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					                                    THE
ISSUE # 3
M AY 2 0 0 9       CONSPIRACY
                            EDITION
A MONASH STUDENT
PUBLICATION



                    MYTHCONCEPTIONS
EXSRP
E T A
                     THE GAME OF
                     SUBLIMINAL
STUPID
POWERS
                     ADVERTISING
                        THE OTHER SIDE OF

                        FAIRYTALES
SUPER POWERS
FACT OR FICTION

                          BOBBY PINS
                          & TOO MUCH
                          FREE TIME
                                    1
    EDITORIALS




   So the sex issue has come             Don’t ask me how or why,           We all love conspiracy
and gone but that doesn’t mean      it’s something i’m yet to figure    theories because, among oth-
we can’t have fun right??           out myself, but there is a mov-     er things, they help to explain
   WRONG.                           ie I remember strongly from         the bizarre and provide order
   This issue is all about danger   my childhood. Yes you heard         in the world. But perhaps we
and truth and the things that       me, CHILDHOOD. Mum I hope           look to conspiracy theories
other things didn’t want you        you’re reading this, has forev-     because it is easier to believe
to know about certain things.                                           than the truth. Consider the
Things.                             er changed the way I look at        following story…
                                    conspiracy theories, or maybe           A 17-year-old boy, Sydney
    Anyway, tt was reported re-     just how i look at patrick stew-    Barringer, attempts suicide
cently that Tupac had been seen     art.. scary shit. Yes I’m talking   by jumping off the roof of his
in a nightclub in New Orleans.      about “Conspiracy Theory”           apartment building; this at-
The Tupac theories just won’t       Starring the alcoholic anti-        tempt became a “successful
die (like he did) will they?        semitic, I mean, famous and         homicide” when he was ac-
    Now I have a Tupac theory of    talented... actor Mel Gibson.       cidentally shot by his mother
my own.                                                                 as he fell past his own apart-
    I originally thought he had         To be entirely honest,          ment window. His parents
shot himself because his name       other than the torture scene        regularly argued and threat-
is so goddamn stupid but I’ve       where his eyes are forced to        ened each other with a shot-
since grown wiser. You see he       stay open with sticky tape, I       gun that was normally kept
ran away to a tropical paradise                                         unloaded. Unbeknownst to
in search of a private lifestyle    don’t really remember much          them, Sydney had loaded the
and worked as road crew on          of the movie.                       gun a few days earlier hop-
the reality show ‘Survivor’ for                                         ing they would make good
their 112th series Survivor: One        And Conspiracy theories         on their threats to kill one
room, no internet.                  in general, gotta say not my        another. As a result, he unwit-
                                    forte. However I did like that      tingly became an accomplice
    Missing the musician life-      new movie, about the loch-          in his own murder. The irony
style he became super de-           ness monster, I think it was        is that a newly installed pro-
pressed, put down the camera        called ‘The Waterhorse’, it was     tective netting for window
and picked up a bucket of chick-    so cute! But seriously, come        washers on the building’s ex-
en. One night, a vision came to     on hollywood, come up with a        terior below their apartment
the now gelatinous rapper – he      good movie title, please! May-      would have saved his life if he
converted to pop music and re-      be there is a conspiracy about      had not been hit by the shot-
turned to the scene under the                                           gun blast that he himself had
production moniker of Timbal-       why they never come up with         loaded.
and – very sneaky.                  a good name... I mean really.           We may look to some
                                                                        sort of conspiracy theory to
    I know it’s him because I get      ...Guess you’re all quite        explain what happened to
the same disgusting taste in my     thankful right about now that       Sydney, but the truth is that
mouth every time I hear both        i’m the graphics and not con-       sometimes in life… shit just
‘artists’ and their ‘music’.        tent editor right?                  happens.
   SCOTT TEMPLETON
    2                                      MEG OSBORNE                      ANDREW BLYBERG
                                                            
      CONTENTS
                      CONSPIRACIES EDITION
                             5. The Cult of Harrison Ford
                             6. In Plain Sight - Mythical Creatures in
                                    Sport
                             9. Getting to �now Garry O’Connor
                             10. ESP - Extra Stupid Powers
                             12. The Truth (and the False) About
                                    Swine Flu
                             13. Let Him Be
                             14. The Game of Subliminal Advertising
                             16. Sex it Up Fetish Party
                             19. Goodbye Gibbo
                             20. Album Reviews
                                                                  22. Bobby Pins and Too Much
                                                                         Free Time
                                                                  24. Supernatural - TV Review
                                                                  25. Popular Fiction - It’s a Sci
                                                                         ence
     EDITORS Meg Osborne, Scott Temple-                           26. The Truth is What You
  ton, Andrew Blyberg.                                                   Make of It
       SUB EDITORS Jack Pilven, Jack Can-                         28. It Happened to a Friend of
                                                                         a Friend of Mine
  non, Lucien Armstrong                                           29. Mythconceptions
      CONTRIBUTORS Jack Cannon, Zac                               30. The Frozen Envelope Con
  Martin, Jack Pilven, Krista Renshaw, Cassie                            spiracy
  Antony, Laura Purcell, Rebecca Baker, Lil-                         31. What’s on at Peninsula
  lian Altman, �anika Chopra, Harrison Po-                           32. Las Vegas Party
  lites, Dani Meloney, Laura Rankine, Erika                          34. Super Powers - Fact or
  Geraerts, �ane Hunkin, Rebecca Vukovic,                                Fiction?
  Vanja Bezbradica, Cassandra Edmondson.                             38. The Other Side of Fairy
       PRINTER Blue Star Print Group                                     Tales
                                                                     39. Chain Letters Debunked
       PUBLISHER Emily Greco on behalf of                            40. Blonde’s Behind the
  MONSU Caulfield by monsu caulfield. Views
    The magazine is published
expressed within do not necessarily reflect those of monsu
                                                                         Wheel
caulfield, the ditorial panel, the publisher, the editor or any      42. Artists Spotlight
other person associated with esperanto. Responsibility for
electoral comment is taken by Emily Greco, 2 Princes Ave,
Caulfield East, Vic, 3145
                                                                                                3
                                                                       
            WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME THE PENINSULA
            CAMPUS AS A VALUED CONTRIBUTOR TO
            THE MAGAZINE.
                        COPIES OF THIS AND FUTURE
                        ISSUES WILL NOW BE
                        DISTRIBUTED AT BOTH
                        CAULFIELD AND PENINSULA
                        CAMPUSES.




    We need contributions from both the Caulfield and
  Peninsula Campuses so please send your articles or
  story ideas to Esperanto@monsucaulfield.org.au
    Also we have a facebook... if you can find it.
      4
                         
    THE CULT OF HARRISON FORD
    LAURA PURCELL                           claiming that there were possibly
                                            ‘roofies’* involved.
                                                                                    based around Star Wars which
                                                                                    fights for alien rights in our galaxy
          “Until you have seen a Harrison       “It was awful dark in that cin-     by assuring rich people that aliens
    Ford movie, you cannot live a full      ema but it seemed like George           exist).
    life. Your life will have no meaning;   Lucas and Steven Spielberg were             The Cult of Harrison Ford em-
    no direction- without Harrison,         raping poor Indi” said Trey Parker, a   braces many forms of worship, from
    there is nothing..” –Martin             third year and full time devotee to     practising celibacy (remember Han
          Luther King                       the new cult at Monash
          Star Wars and Indiana Jones       Caulfield.
    have inspired a Harrison Ford cult          “There aren’t meant
    here at Monash Caulfield which is       to be aliens in Indiana
    more f**kable than the sexual ten-      Jones..” Matt Stone, the
    sion between Han Solo and Princess      leader of the Ford Cult,
    Leia.                                   stated today “… look its
                                            just something I try not
        Weekly cult meetings at the         to think about”
    shrine of Harrison Worship (other-
    wise known as the uni bar) discuss          After Harrison Ford’s
    the inner workings of The Ford;         repeated success in
    most notably the sodomization of        movies such as Blade
    Harrison in the recent Indiana Jones    Runner, the Millennium
    which resulted in a mutiny within       Falcon* owner proudly
    the cult. True believers in this new    endorses this Sci-Fi
    age religion insist there are only 3    based cult, which has
    Indiana movies, and that the direc-     close links with Scien-
    tors took advantage of the heroin,      tology (another religion




                                                                                    Solo and Leia don’t get it on till the
                                                                                    6th movie) to whip crackin’ and hat
                                                                                    wearin’. The cult holds Yoga classes
                                                                                    with Yoda Tuesdays, Thursdays and
                                                                                    Sundays.
                                                                                        * roofies: a conspiracy theory
                                                                                    involving Tom Cruise, George Lucas
                                                                                    and the soundtrack from Tropic
                                                                                    Thunder
                                                                                        *say “Millennium Falcon” in a
                                                                                    Darth Vader voice

                                                                                       “I wonder what President Ford
                                                                                    would do??”

                                                                                       “Harrison Ford? Isn’t that a car
                                                                                    dealership?”
                                                                                                                    5
                                                                              ÿ                     
IN PLAIN SIGHT
MYTHICAL CREATURES IN SPORTS
JACK CANNON                                   One such creature is Bigfoot. Once
                                          a feared being in the wilderness as a
                                          flesh-eating super-ape, there has been
   It has beenyears since the Loch Ness   continual media coverage on Bigfoot
Monster or ManBearPig have been           right in front of our eyes. After his
front page news, and one has to won-      glory years ‘Biggy’ in fact suffered late-
der why. What is it about now that has    onset partial alopecia, or LOPA. Instead
seen the disappearance of blurry pho-     of living out his life as a hunted lone
tos and crackpot rednecks babbling on     member of a species, he took English
about UFOs? Scientific discovery? No;     literature classes from Yale and gained
Inbreeding and subsequent death of        the most fundamental of ball skills as a
crackpots? No (although there have        means to integrate into society. After a
been some interesting results). The       week at Yale he dropped out and honed
fact is that many of the creatures of     his skills of jumping, throwing and re-
folklore have assimilated into society,   bounding. ‘Biggy’ was subsequently
hiding in plain sight.                    drafted to the NBA with the first pick
                                          overall in 1992 and found home with




   6
                                             
The Orlando Magic. From there he made a name as the biggest, baddest, meanest
player unable to hit a free-throw in the history of the NBA. Bigfoot now goes by his
anglo-ghetto moniker of “Shaquille O’Neal”. Several of his cousins, the Yeti, have
also found a home in sport, playing for the Fremantle Dockers, as well as China in
basketball.

    Going back further into folklore, the ‘myth’ of medusa has been circulating for
thousands of years, this sexy wench had a few shortcomings.
    1. Instead of hair she had snakes.
    2. If you looked directly into her eyes you turned to stone.
    The story supposedly goes that she was decapitated by a hero using a mirror
to avoid become rock-hard (not in the good way). However Medusa has merely
turned her hand to sport, more specifically sports writing. Her vitriolic hatred of
all things male has seen her hone her prose for centuries until she landed the cov-
eted role of a sports writer in the media. Her hair now firmly under control by a
wig forged by Zeus himself. Her eye-rupturing hideousness has been tapered off by
the hammer of Thor, but don’t be fooled, “Caroline Wilson” is nothing more than a
pseudonym for the most savage feminist and mythical man-hater of all time.




                                                                                7
                                                    
Exams are coming up and with all the study and preparation, you turn
up to your exam and realise youÿ ve forgotten your pen, or brought the
wrong calculator. Donÿ t worry! The Campus Bookstore has emergency
supplies for sale at the Exam Help Desk.
We have:




Pens          Pencils         Erasers        Sharpeners   Confectionary




  Rulers            Tissues             University        Bottled
                                         approved         Water
                                        Calculators

 From all the staff at The Campus Bookstore at Caulfield and Peninsula
                we wish you all good luck in your exams.




       8
                               
Getting To Know...
Name?
Garry Oÿ Connor

What you do here?
CEO of MONSU Students Limited

How long have you been working here?
Just over a year.

What are the things that make you tick?
My wife, cat and music.

What was your first job?
Making chocolate at Haighÿ s

What are your hobbies?
Shopping, gadgets, music and thinking I can take photos

If someone wanted to buy you a drink what would it be?
Scotch (Expensive Scotch)

Three things to cure your boredom?
I never get bored.

Three tips for surviving winter?
1. Ugg Boots
2. Soup
3. My blankie

You canʼt leave home without?
My iPhone

Favourite Movie(s)?
Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Casino

Born?
Port Adelaide

Footy Team?
Port Adelaide

                                                          9
                                           
ESP
ESPEXTRA
        STUPID
REBECCA BAKER POWERS
    There are many awesome super powers out there: super
speed, invisibility, and super strength. Not all super individu-
als are as blessed as others though. No, some are plagued
by super crappiness. So readers from here on in we embark
together on an in depth analysis of the world’s most redun-
dant super heroes.

   Ladies and gentlemen the brussel sprouts of the super
hero world:
                              Super Identity: Aqua Man
                              Name: Arthur Curry
                              Super Organisation: Justice
                           League of America
                              Status: Good

                                 Aqua Man, the Ma-Ti of the
                             water world and it is to the water
                             world that he must keep. Arthur
                             Curry can walk with the animals,
                             talk with the animals, squeak and
                             squawk and…wait, did I say walk?
                                 While Mr. Curry can connect
                             with the animals under the sea,
his powers are weakened considerably when he stays on
land for too long. So while all of his Justice League Friends
are fighting evil in far off countries, poor little Aqua Man is
                                                                      Super Identity: Big Bertha
                                                                      Name: Ashley Crawford
                                                                      Super Organisation: Great
                                                                   Lakes Avengers
                                                                      Status: Good

                                                                        While a small part of me
                                                                   sees this as the perfect come-
                                                                   uppance of the air-head model,
                                                                   there’s no denying that this
                                                                   power sucks. One Miss Ashley
                                                                   Crawford can change her usu-
                                                                   ally slim physique to extremely
                                                                   obese instantly and fight off evil
                                                                   as: Morbidly Obese Woman.
                                                                   That’s right, most models try to
                                                                   purge food from their body on
                                                                   the regular, this one relies on a
                                                                   little extra baggage to become
                                                                   super.
                                                                              There are conflicting
                                                                   factors to Big Bertha’s character
                                                                   though. No hint of irony in the
                                                                   fact that to regain her model-
                                                                   esque form she has to regurgi-
                                                                   tate the fatty component of her
                                                                   body. That’s right kiddies do as
                                                                   Bulimia Girl does: binge and
                                                                   purge, binge and purge.
left sitting in the shallows at the beach shouting encourage-
ment. Go, guys, GO!!!

  10                                                
P
    Super Identity: Ant-Man
    Name: Henry Pym
    Super Organisation: The Avengers
    Status: Good

      Ant-Man. Seriously. His superpowers basically
 culminate in being able to shrink himself. Wait folks,
 it gets better, when super small he retains his regu-
 lar, everyday, human strength.
             Holy banana’s everyone; �orvac’s coming
 with his super strength and mechanical capabilities.
 It’s alright Ant-Man will save us, he has the strength
 of an ordinary man and he’s one millionth the size.
             Poor Henry Pym is destined to a mid-life
 breakdown, the type that involves financial bank-
 ruptcy due to buying material goods to compensate
 for his crappy life. Tiny man… tiny everything.


                          Super Identity: Heart
                          Name: Ma-Ti
                          Super Organisation: Planeteers
                          Status: Good

                          Earth manipulates the ground beneath his feet (the token black guy). Fire
                      burns baby, burns (tempestuous American). Wind blows them away (she’s
                      blonde, foreign, eye candy). Water whets your appetite (also hot and for-
                      eign). And heart, he empathises…particularly with animals. Ma-Ti, oh Ma-Ti.
                                I’ve always thought what would be cool is that Ma-Ti could control
                      the animals and sic them on the evil of the world: “Hey tigers, those guys
                      over there killed your uncle and are wearing his skin. Get ‘em!”
                                That would be awesome, but sadly no such luck. Instead when
                      all the action is taking place, Ma-Ti’s sitting in the corner, pandering to a
                      depressed giraffe’s ego. I feel your pain.


    Super Identity: Avalanche
    Name: Dominikos Ioannis Petrakis
    Super Organisation: The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
    Status: Evil

    Now this guy can cause earthquakes, which I have to admit is a
particularly rocking power (no more stupid puns, I promise.) There
is a reason I have mentioned Avalanche on a list of stupid super-
heroes though and that is, Wikipedia listed his super powers as:
“powerful vibration generator.”
    The human vibrator is the world’s most useful super power, ever.

                                                                                             11
                                                                  
THE TRUTH (AND THE FALSE) ABOUT



SWINE
KANIKA CHOPRA
So  here  I  am,  preparing  for 
my  weekly  current  affairs 
journo  quiz;  browsing 
through  the  plethora  of 
                                     mass  destruc4on  a5er  SARS 
                                     and AIDS

                                     FACT: Swine flu symptoms are 
                                     very  common  to  normal  flu 
                                     symptoms: fever, body aches, 
                                                                          Don’t  worry  about  giving  up 
                                                                          bacon  and  eggs  or  Hawaiian 
                                                                          pizza! 
                                                                                           FLU.
                                                                                           FLUE.

                                                                          FICTION:  Swine  flu  is  a 
                                                                          clandes4ne          bio‐terrorist 
online articles on this swine 
                                     sore throat, cough etc.              virus engineered by a special 
flu  outbreak.  The  amount 
                                                                          division  of  Al  Quaeda  called 
of  garbage  on  the  net  is 
                                     FICTION:  the  origins  of  the      OINK‐QUAEDA. In fact, rumour 
utterly  amusing.  But  still,  I 
                                     swine‐flu  virus  are  the  result    has  it  that  Oink‐Quaeda 
read on, as I’m sure there’ll 
                                     of the porn industry catering        worked  in  collabora4on  with 
be  a  question  on  swine  flu 
                                     to  the  fantasies  of  people       An4‐Immigra4on  forces  in 
somewhere  in  the  quiz. 
                                     with an animal fe4sh                 the US, wishing to close their 
Here’s what I learnt…
                                     (What’s next? Mule flu!?)             borders to Mexicans.
FACT:  Obama  is  seeking 
                                     FACT:  There  is  no  vaccine  as    Err…  maybe  I’m  not  such  an 
$1.5billion  to  fight  swine 
                                     of  yet,  but  certain  an4‐viral    oinkin  genius  a5er  all.  The 
flu.  (Does  he  plan  to  find 
                                     drugs are able to combat the         ques4on on the quiz was:
this  money  coming  out  of  a 
                                     virus  
pig’s arse?)
                                                                          Q: What level of threat did the 
                                     FICTION:  The  Swine‐flue             World  Health  Organisa4on 
FICTION:  The  H1N1  virus 
                                     virus is merely another tac4c        assign the swine flu?
was  released  by  a  bunch          employed to boost alterna4ve 
of  greedy  liquid  hand  soap       meat consump4on.                     My ini4al thoughts: code red? 
manufacturers  trying  to            Think  about  it…it  all             Nah.  Code  orange  is  more 
make money amidst a global           makes  sense…  the  pork             appropriate  given  that  it’s 
economic meltdown…                   manufacturers          allegedly     just  one  level  below  being  a 
                                     ‘leaked’  avian  flu  and  we  all    full fledged pandemic.
FACT: The seasonal flu vaccine        stopped  ea4ng  chicken  and          
will  not  provide  immunity         now  the  angry  liNle  chooks 
                                                                          Final  answer:  code  pink  (for 
against the H1N1 virus               are  figh4ng  back!  Wait  4ll 
                                                                          pigs)!!  
                                     the  beef  industry  hits  the 
FICTION:  Swine  Flu  is  just       fishermen  for  ‘leaking’  mad 
                                     cow disease.                         Correct  Answer:  Phase  4  (as 
another  f***ing  (whoops… 
                                                                          of 30 April 2009)
oinkin’)  virus  sent  from 
above to punish humans for           FACT: Ea4ng properly cooked 
their sins ‐ a holy weapon of        pork won’t give you swine flu. 
        12                             
        HIM DEAD?
LETMCCARTNEYBE.
IS PAUL
BY LILLIAN ALTMAN                                  back of the album cover), jaywalking (Blue 
                                                   Jay Walk). He crashed into a lamppost (a 
Paul McCartney is dead. Yeah, you heard me         sound heard in both Revol&'on 3 and ‘A Day 
correctly.                                         in the Life’). He was pronounced dead on a 
                                                   “Wednesday morning at 5 o’ clock as the day 
It is believed that on November 9th, 1966,         begins” (She’s Leaving Home) and nobody 
at 5am McCartney stormed out of a Sgt.             found out because the informa<on was 
Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album             withheld: “Wednesday morning papers didn’t 
recording session a,er arguing with Ringo,         come (“Lady Madonna”).
George and John. He jumped in his car, which 
he then crashed and died in the process.

Fans pieced this informa<on together via 
lyrics from Beatles songs, yet it was the cover 
of the Abbey Road album that started it all.

Paul barefooted and out of step from the 
others; John was dressed in white, possibly 
as a religious symbol; George and Ringo were 
dressed up as a mor<cian and a gravediggers. 
And there was policeman on the street. Was 
the album cover all just a set up?
Several Eastern Michigan university students 
claimed that the Beatles song Revol&'on 
9 contained a message when played 
backwards: ”Turn me on, dead man, turn me 
on, dead man, and turn me on, dead man.”           A funeral procession was held days a,er (as 
To add to this every <me the fab four were         implied by the cover). Some believe that 
asked about the death, they’d laugh it off as       at the end of Strawberry fields forever that 
uKer craziness, allowing audiences to believe      Lennon says in a deep voice: “I buried Paul.”
it was all a hoax to increase record sales.
                                                   It is believed William Shears Campbell who 
From the lyrics of the album fans discovered:      had won a McCartney look‐alike contest 
“He didn’t no<ce that the lights had changed       replaced McCartney. 
(from A Day in the Life) because he was busy 
watching the preKy girl on the pavement (the       Oh by the way, it was all just a rumour. Who 
meter maid from Lovely Rita) a,er narrowly         knows where it began. Was it The Beatles 
missing her dressed in blue (the blur in the       themselves? Or was it their fans?
                                                                                       13
                                                     
You know, I really wanted to write an article
on what is my favourite and perhaps the most
underappreciated conspiracy of all time...

Lovable Nessy as I like to call that sexy beast,
or the Loch Ness Monster from Scotland, but I
suppose I should write this article about a
                                                    THE GAME OF
                                                    SUBLIMINAL
topic I’m not so bias about.

Then Zac thought to himself, it would be rad if
he could write about subliminal advertising,


                                                   ADVERTISING
especially with the help of Wikipedia.

Granted, you have probably heard a little bit
about subliminal advertising, yet don’t know
much in regards to if it actually works. Yet the                     ZAC MARTIN
evidence is out there if you can use Google.




       In 1957 a bro by the name of James Vicary decided to conduct some research into
    subliminal advertising at a movie cinema. Every five seconds throughout a movie he
    would insert a frame that said “Drink Coca-Cola”. On the evenings this experiment
    was conducted, Coke sales increased significantly.

       After publishing his findings, the term subliminal advertising became mainstream.
    Yet for some apparent ethical reason, the practice is not commonly used. Although I
    wouldn’t know anything about that because I’m a marketer.

       With that said, there have been a few attempts at subliminal advertising, some
    of which have been accidental. In 2007 Network 10 got a punch in the dick from the
    ACCC during their broadcast of the ARIA’s. During certain segments, quick flashes of
    sponsoring brands’ logos appeared on screen, which the ACCC claimed was “below
    the average viewer’s threshold”.

        More commonly, designers love creating subliminal messages in logos. It’s hard-
    er than drawing a straight line on a Connex train, but apparently if you squint just
    enough you can see the word “sex” in both Virgin’s and Toohey’s logo. But a way cra-
    zier example is the FedEx logo (Figure 7). Take a look at the negative space between
    the E and the X you might notice something pretty neat. Some people have even
    argued that Pepsi’s new logo (Figure C) was designed to get kids voting for Barack
    Obama (Figure &). The only problem is that kids can’t vote. And we all know Obama
    is a Mountain Dew drinking kinda guy anyway.
      14
                                                                 
                 Speaking of soft drink, is it just me or do Coke bottles re-
              mind you of the curves on a girl too? DRINK COCA-COLA.

                  But here’s the thing. Subliminal advertising doesn’t exist.
              Years after good friend of the magazine James Vicary published
              his results, he came out admitting he’d made the whole thing
              up. And ever since, there have been no proven cases of sub-
              liminal advertising that were actually successful.

                  The closest thing to fall even remotely under that category
              is product placement. Even then it’s certainly not subliminal
              and often has its effectiveness questioned. There is only one
              time in recorded history that a subliminal message actually
              worked. It was in an article written by a very handsome gentle-
              man for a student magazine that ended in the line, “read down
              the left hand side of the first column”.




                                                                       15
                                               
16
FETISH PARTY




               17
MONSU
                                     Opening Hours:
                                         During Semester
                                     Monday - Wednesday


Service                                 8.45am - 6.00pm
                                        Thursday - Friday
                                        8.45am - 5.30pm




Desk                                       Non-Semester
                                         Monday - Friday
                                       10.00am - 3.00pm




      Dry Cleaning now operational!
      Pick up/Drop off on Tuesdays & Fridays.
      SPECIAL! $18.90 for 3 items!




      Need a sugar fix or a pick me up?
      The MONSU Service Desk is now selling
      sweet treats to cure your cravings! Grab a
      Freddo Frog, Chuppa Chup or Chocolate
      bar!




      Lockers are now available in the T-Building.
      You can hire one till the end of June for
      $10.00. Speak to the staff at the MONSU
      Service Desk for more information.




 18          
Farewell to...
Jack ÿ Gibboÿ Gibson




                       19
JACK PILVEN
   Drown in Colour                  ments this with melodic wail-      bums out there
                                    ing on numbers like “Feels like    at the moment,
    If the members of Red Rid-      Grace”. Like the vocals, the       it is refreshing
ers were artists, they would        rest of the band contorts the      to hear the guitar
paint in more colours than          sound of their instruments to      reverberate in the
their scarlet name suggests.        fit each individual track. The     studio space and vocals
Indeed, Drown in Colour sees        listener is exposed to chorus      that have not been overly
the band swirl a palette of di-     soaked guitar riffs, humming       tweaked with voice correc-
verse musical shades to create      bass and simple drumming on        tion software.
an album rich in texture and        one track that steadily builds,
emotion.                            dissipates, and gives way to           Drown in Col-
                                    more post-punk inspired ter-       or is a humble
     Sounding like an amalga-       ritory on the next track. Red      release    that
mation between Mercy Arms           Riders narrate their record        provides plen-
and the Cure, Red Riders draw       with songs that each deviate in    ty of infec-
influence from their contem-        mood and sound, which adds         tious indie-
porary musical peers whilst         to the album’s charm as the        rock tunes.
still acknowledging the blue-       listener is gently guided along    It’s stripped
print left behind by certain old-   the aural scenery that makes       back sound
er acts. Their indie-rock tunes     up Drown in Colour.                and emotion-
fluctuate between dreamy and                                           ally laden at-
intensely moody numbers like            One of the real strengths      mosphere will be
the haunting “All Mine” and         of the album is its honest pro-    enough to encour-
the more poppy “You’ve Got          duction. Recorded in Sydney        age many listeners to
A Lot Of Nerve”. Singer Alex-       and mixed in Melbourne, the        drown in Red Riders’ pool
ander Grigg gives an emotive        album has an open sounding         of noise.
moan throughout the verses          quality that is not too slick or
of most tracks but comple-          over produced. Unlike some al-




RED RIDERS
   20
                 MASTODON
            JACK PILVEN                   Lurching straight in, Crack        However, let’s not forget
             Crack the Skye
                                     the Skye presents a much more      this is a Mastodon album,
                                     prog-rock inspired affair than     and these lads are renowned
       Crack the Skye? Is that a
                                     previous Mastodon records.         for their fascination with all
       typo in Mastodon’s al-
                                     The guys have boiled down          things big (they are of course
          bum title? Shouldn’t
                                     their collective genius and in-    named after a gigantic prehis-
             it be “sky”? Ap-
                                     stilled it into seven sprawling    toric wooly thing). This quota is
               parently not. So
                                     tracks that demonstrate more       filled in the form of two enor-
                 before you go
                                     variety than they have previ-      mous tunes named “The Czar”
                  apprehending
                                     ously shown. Opener “Oblivi-       and “The Last Baron”. Both run
                   these scruffy
                                     on” sees drummer Brann Dai-        over 10 minutes and demon-
                   heavy metal
                                     lor contribute some soothing       strate Mastodon’s affection for
                   guys and giv-
                                     vocals before singers Troy and     the work of King Crimson and
                  ing them a
                                     Brent introduce one of their       Pink Floyd. They each combine
                 lecture on their
                                     most infectious choruses to        a plethora of different influ-
                terrible spell-
                                     date. It’s a bold move to see      ences, as we hear Mastodon
              ing, it would pay
                                     the band drop their trademark      get funky for the first time mid
           off to look a little
                                     thrash-n-growl approach in         way through “The Czar”. It feels
         deeper into the mean-
                                     favour of a more melodic and       like a truly natural progression
     ing of their record. It turns
                                     classic rock inspired sound.       from their previous albums
out “Skye” is the name of the
                                     This focus on greater harmony      and works superbly.
 drummer’s deceased sister,
                                     is carried throughout the rest
       and this very personal
                                     of the album and is aided by           Evolution may have wiped
          reference leads to an
                                     other more adventurous mu-         out the prehistoric beast they
             album that is more
                                     sical elements like the surf-      are named after, but “Crack the
               heartfelt, harmo-
                                     guitar solo in the thumping        Skye” marks a progressive new
                nious and epic
                                     track “Divinations” or the me-     saga in the monolithic tale that
                 than any previ-
                                     andering keyboard sounds that      is Mastodon.
                  ous Mastodon
                                     spring up momentarily.
                   record.
                                                                                                   21
                                             
                                                                   AND TOO MUCH
                                                                   FREE TIME
HARRISON POLITES                   once the location for a partic-          3)     The Waste Deposal
   A guide to find-                ular facility, but in its current   plant (Ground Floor, S Build-
                                   state it’s creepy. The fact that    ing)
ing mysterious places              it was completely abandoned              You can only access this
around Caulfield. (Not to          only enhanced its mysterious        area through a mysterious
be used for shooting up            allure. Well it wasn’t com-         lift in the S Building near the
                                   pletely abandoned…. There           MONSU service desk. You
location purposes)                 was one lone IT office at the       can tell that an elevator leads
                                   end of the corridor. But I          somewhere ominous when it
    If there is one thing that I   wouldn’t envy his job.              doesn’t have any up or down
have learned by researching            2)      The Cooling tower       buttons. It’s dark, dank and
this piece, it would be that       (11th Floor, H Building)            smells like strong cleaning
there are a lot of locked doors        The elusive 11th floor of       products. So don’t stay in
around Monash. This made it        the menacing H building. We         there too long or you might
particularly hard to access        all know their hiding some-         pass out or mutate or some-
some of the more eerie plac-       thing in that business build-       thing.
es around campus. But I per-       ing. This floor can only be ac-          4)     The Rooms be-
severed. Armed with a couple       cessed by a fire escape- which      neath the Lecture Theatres
of first year friends, some        means exercise. The door to         (3rd Floor, � Building)
bobby pins, a lack of com-         the tower is triple locked, so           There are a couple of mys-
mon sense and way too much         there has to be something of        terious rooms underneath
free time (lectures), I set out    interest up there. Although         these two heavily used lec-
to find areas around Monash        we were chased by some se-          ture theatres. You can peek
Caulfield that you would not       curity before we could find         into them from the air grates
want to be alone in.               out what. Be careful on the         on the stairs of the theatre.
    1)     The       abandoned     way down as most of the fire        We couldn’t get into these
corridor (Ground floor, F          escape doors are locked from        rooms because they were
building)                          the other side, and it’s a long     behind a locked door with a
    This area was obviously        way down!                           special key. Bobbie pins didn’t




   22
cut it on this occasion, and I wasn’t going to try and fit into any of
those tiny grates.
     5)      An Abandoned Gallery (Ground Floor, D Building)
     A bleach white incomplete gallery with a metallic humanoid
statue hanging from the roof. There was only one door out of the
gallery. This led to a dead end room. In the room there was a Mac
computer on a knee high pedestal with steps leading up onto the
platform. The computer was labeled, “Do not touch”. This tops my
list about mysterious locations as this room has no purpose, and
yet it still has a Mac in it!?! It’s not so much creepy as it is confus-
ing… Why not just give me a Mac instead of putting it in a dead
end, pointless room!




                                                                  23
SUPERNATURAL ÿ A TALE OF
TWO BROTHERS
DANI MELONEY
Ghosts, demons, monsters, angels and two         society’. Haunted by the violent murder of 
of the most gorgeous men you will ever see.      their mother, the brothers only have one 
Mix these together and what do you get?          thing on their mind – to find this thing and 
A recipe for the completely ass‐kicking and      kill it, and in the meanJme waste every single 
genuinely freaky television show otherwise       evil thing that gets in their way.
known as Supernatural.
                                                 Unlike other shows of the same genre such 
When this show first premiered it began with      as Charmed and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 
two brothers, Sam (played by Jared Padalecki)    Supernatural has an overall grim, creepy tone 
and Dean (Jenson Ackles) who were on a           that allows the show to be legiJmately scary 
quest to find their missing father. Now, four     at Jmes. Ackles and Padalecki are decent 
years down the track the two brothers have       actors who are able to bring humor (and eye 
baEled evil spirits and demons, in stories       candy) to what is a dark concept. They make 
inspired by some of the most famous urban        an unbelievable concept appear believable.
legends and magical folklore.
                                                 So if you ever wondered what Bloody Mary 
‘Dad wants us to pick up where he leG oH…        actually looked like, check this show out, you 
saving people, hunJng things, the family         won’t be disappointed. Just be careful… she 
business.’ – Dean Winchester                     may scratch your eyes out! 

Sam and Dean have been trained as ‘hunters’.     Season’s 1‐3 of Supernatural are now 
Like most horror‐movie protagonists, the boys    available to buy on DVD. Prepare yourself for 
are defined by violence and loss, and appear      a li:le show of horrors!
to be desJned to living a life that is dark, 
nomadic, and forever estranged from ‘normal 




     24                                      
POPULAR FICTION.
ITÿ S A SCIENCE.
LILLIAN ALTMAN
The Matrix, Men in Black, Star Wars and Star Trek and 
Alien‐ What do they all have in common? 

They’re all very popular science fiction movies.

French pioneer George Melies produced the first ever 
science fiction fantasy film, Le Voyage dans la lune (Trip 
to the Moon). This movie’s iconic image (a moon with a 
face; a spaceship stuck in it’s eye) has been quoted “as 
iconic  in  cinema  as  Marilyn’s  billowing  skirt,  Chaplin’s 
little  tramp  and  King  Kong  swatting  planes  atop  the 
Empire State Building!”
The  Mighty  Boosh,  Futurama  and  The  Smashing 
Pumpkins have all paid homage to this iconic image.

What is it that makes these films so popular, even more 
popular then The Beatles when typed into Google?

Is it the fact that in the 60s and 70s science fiction films 
depicted computers would take over the world, a reality 
now with the birth of the Internet? Now that technology 
has  become  a  prevalent  aspect  of  life,  science  fiction 
has become more relevant to pop culture.

In  the  21st  century  science  fiction  has  become  more 
than a genre, to some a way of life (think “Trekkies”). 
With the box office set to explode with the impending 
release  of  the  new  Star  Trek  film,  X‐men  Origins: 
Wolverine,  Terminator  4  and  Transformers  2  it  shows 
no signs of slowing down. 




                                                                   25
                                                  
JACK PILVEN
     Take care next time you
go to buy the groceries.
Although you may not know
it, lurking around the base
of your potential purchases
is something that sends
shivers down the spine of
certain people. They may
appear somewhat innocent
and inconspicuous in nature,
but some believe they hide a
deep dark secret. The culprit:
barcodes. Whilst you and I
may take little notice of that
stripy little square, others
believe that a secret world
government uses barcodes
to control people. Yet these
people seem somewhat sane
compared to those who drop
the shopping altogether with
the belief that barcodes have
an encrypted connection to
Satan. Whether or not the
number of the beast clings to
                                           The Truth
                                            You Make
your Weeties packet, these
people constitute a minority
whose beliefs digress from
the mainstream. They are
the conspiracy theorists.

                                 induce somewhat discern-         somewhere). More recently,
   We all like to believe in     ing looks from the rest of us.   there was a theory circulat-
certain things. Holding onto     At the risk of being labeled     ing in America that the US
the belief of karma helps        crazy, they come forth and       government orchestrated
certain people get through       question our collective views.   the September 11 terror-
their daily routine. How-        For many years, conspiracy       ist attacks. Some may scoff
ever, a few of us have the       theorists have babbled that      at these accusations, but
tendency to stray quite far      the Apollo 11 moon landing       these theories that concern
away from somewhat con-          was a hoax established by        significant events do shed
ventional beliefs like karma.    NASA and the CIA (the whole      light on the ways we each
Indeed, these people wrap        thing was apparently staged      interpret the world around
themselves up in ideas that      in some Hollywood studio         us. Call them bizarre or

  26
                                                 
                                                                     Travolta and their religious
                                                                     beliefs. I might rustle some
                                                                     feathers when I state this,
                                                                     but if you believe in scien-
                                                                     tology then you are insane.
                                                                     Although it’s not a conven-
                                                                     tional conspiracy theory it
                                                                     might as well be one. Any
                                                                     “religion” that was coined
                                                                     by a science fiction writer
                                                                     who claims that we are
                                                                     all beings that have lived
                                                                     on other planets before
                                                                     migrating to Earth should
                                                                     be treated with a degree of
                                                                     scrutiny. Although Tom and
                                                                     John may have made some
                                                                     incredible movies (every-
                                                                     one loves Pulp Fiction ey?),
                                                                     they still believe in little
                                                                     men from outer space.
                                                                     It just goes to show you
                                                                     don’t have to be one of the
                                                                     proletariats to be classed
                                                                     as a nutter.


h is What                                                                 The truth appears to
                                                                      be what you make of it.
                                                                      Everyone interprets the



e Of It
                                                                      events and objects around
                                                                      them in different ways,
                                                                      some in more bizarre
                                                                      ways than others do. It’s
                                                                      always good to have your
                                                                      own opinion on a matter,
  whatever you may, it’s these     Royal Family were Reptilian      but if you want to appear as
  theories that a minority of us   aliens who had the ability to    a sane member of society
  hold true. Yet, there are also   alter their appearance. I sup-   then maybe it’s best to avoid
  individuals quite high up who    pose this theory may explain     that upcoming camping trip
  have presented some rather       those crazy looking ears that    where you head out into the
  interesting claims.              hang from the head of Prince     wilderness looking for Big-
                                   Charles, but apart from that     foot and ET having coffee and
                                   most of us would probably        scones with Tom and John.
     Christine Fitzgerald, an      have a good chuckle at old
  associate of the late Princess   Christine’s expense. Another
  Diana, claims that Diana         case in point involves actors
  personally told her that the     such as Tom Cruise and John

                                                                                           27
                                              
IT HAPPENED TO A FRIEND
OF A FRIEND OF MINEÿ
LAURA RANKINE
I love Urban Legends. Now          coming from INSIDE THE            woman who ended up with 
I’ve never said ‘Candyman’         HOUSE. It’s a wonder that         a cockroach growing and 
or ‘Bloody Mary’ in front of a     Babysi>ers Club series lasted     living inside her tongue. 
mirror and I don’t pass along      as long as it did. Those sick     Yeah. Spiders and other bugs 
chain emails in fear of the        bitches must have had a           will invariably find a way 
vengeful soul of a teenage         deathwish.                        to nest beneath your skin 
girl killing me whilst I sleep.                                      and escape in a graphic and 


                                   2.
Though, I am wai-ng for the                Clowns are evil.          painful bug explosion. 
body of a man wearing scuba                Clowns will kill you 


                                                                     5.
diving a5re to be uncovered                and eat children.                 Always check the 
from the Bushfires and I            If there is a clown in your               backseat. Knife or axe 
believe that a kid really did      house, it is either                       wielding psycho’s will 
steal a penguin from the           a. a demon possessed doll         oEen get into the backseat 
Melbourne Zoo.                     out to claim children’s souls     of empty cars wai-ng for 
I have read The Amityville         or b. a midget/psycho-c           their driver to return, and 
Horror and I am afraid of          neighbor who is just dressed      then your only chance 
waking up in a bathtub             as a doll in an a>empt to kill    for survival is a friendly 
full of ice with my kidneys        children or eat your food         petrol sta-on a>endant or 
removed.                           when you aren’t home.             concerned trucker. 



                                   3.                                6.
Everyone has their favourite              Look aEer your hair.              If you are an old 
Urban Legend. Everyone                    If your hair is ma>ed,            lady who likes to do 
differs on if they are true                unkempt, “beehived”               puzzles, close the 
or not, or the exact details       or worst of all, dreadlocked,     curtains.
of the story. But regardless,      poisonous spiders will make 


                                                                     7.
Urban Legends have some            your scalp their nest and               Apparently, you 
pre>y crucial lessons to           when the -me comes for a                shouldn’t tell Urban 
teach us. Here are just a few:     haircut, they will bite you to          Legends. If you do, a 
                                   death as you run screaming        murderer will come and kill 


1.
       The Golden Rule             from the hairdressers and         you and turn you into your 
       of Urban Legends‐           promptly drop dead.               own Urban Legend. 
       NEVER EVER BABYSIT. 
Babysi>ers are the automa-c                                          If I’m not at the COM lecture 


                                   4.
targets for murderers,                    Don’t lick envelopes!      on Monday morning, you 
escaped mental pa-ents                    These urban legends        know what happened to me.
and other psycho-c killers.               vary from dead rats 
If you babysit, you will be        found decomposing at the 
decapitated, receive a phone       bo>om of glue barrels, 
       28
call with heavy breathing          to cockroach eggs, to a 

                                                
ÿ MYTHCONCEPTIONS.ÿ
BY ERIKA GERAERTS




Monday night at Blessington street is not        Have you ever felt an itch, an undesired 
what you would call ‘happening’. The red         burning, Dizziness or constant fa.gue? Maybe 
wine and doonas are out and the mac is           you have tapeworms? 
being passed from one housemate to another       Never mind the tradi.onal or modern 
while Facebook statuses are updated and          remedies of an.bio.cs and oral medica.ons. 
emails checked.                                  No, there is a much simpler way to eliminate 
                                                 this problem.
!ut on this one par.cular Monday, something 
different was occurring. Four friends were        Starve yourself for three days.
engaging in a verbal compe..on as to             Place a small piece of meat at the end of 
who could produce the most ludicrous and         your… (cough) anus.
outlandish urban myth. Pet snakes eyeing         The tapeworm, having been starved for 
their owners off as dinner, to holding your       days, will eventually crawl out of your anus, 
breath to cure hiccups, carrots making your      searching for food.
eyes stronger, and urine providing a lemon       When the tapeworm reaches the meat, grab 
tree with nutrients, it seemed as if the list    it, and pull. (Warning adult tape worms have 
could go on forever.                             been recorded at 12 feet.)

How could one hypothesis take the glory of       There you go‐ instant and affordable 
most cynical, most unbelievable? Not un.l        treatment. Does it work? There are 
this one par.cular Monday.                       an.bio.cs, but for the brave hearted, we’ll 
“What about tapeworms?” asked Louis.             leave this for you to get back to us. 
“Tapeworms?” Stevie Replied.
“The cure for tapeworms; everyone knows it, 
and its true.” said Louis. 
                                                                                  29
THE FROZEN
ENVELOPE
                                    S PIR ACY
    CON
KANE HUNKIN
                                    envelope is pulled out and Com-
                                    missioner David Stern reads out
                                    The �nicks. Open and shut case.
                                                                        letters Stern pulls out, all are
                                                                        picked individually and with-
                                                                        out any calculated or lingering
                                                                        thought.
    Inherently     controversial,       However, not everyone be-
conspiracy theories are a pola-     lieved in the legitimacy of this        The �nicks land the first pick
rising concept. Are they nothing    event. Was the number one           and as a result take the 6’11”
more than unproven hearsay or       pick pre-determined? For years,     Patrick Ewing. CBS commenta-
do they give REAL accounts to       this speculation could only be      tor Pat O’Brien boldly declares
real life events?                   viewed as unsubstantiated gos-      ‘basketball is back in New York
                                    sip…until recently. Thanks to       City’.
   Whilst the former seems
more likely, the intrigue lies in     “We are not suggesting these claims
the examination of the latter.
                                    to be explicitly true but rather, like the
    Today, proving a conspiracy     budding conspiracy theorists out there,
theory real is perhaps, in the
words of Leslie Nielsen from the    merely speculating”
Naked Gun, like sex – ‘a pains-
taking arduous task that seems      Youtube we may finally have             Perhaps, we are reading
to go on and on forever and just    a conspiracy theory that is not     too much into this. It must be
when you think things are going     just the silly figment of a bored   stressed that we are not sug-
your way nothing happens’.          fiction writer’s imagination.       gesting these claims to be ex-
                                                                        plicitly true but rather, like the
   A national past-time sport            The envelopes are all placed   budding conspiracy theorists
has not been immune when it         and positioned in the ballot in     out there, merely speculating.
comes to conspiracy theories.       the same gentle manner – ex-
                                    cept one, which is forcefully           Maybe it was just a rich tap-
    Let us back track to 1985       shoved into the corner creat-       estry of unrelated coincidences
and the NBA national draft. The     ing a firm imprint. Moreover,       and the draft was genuine. Con-
New York Knicks, residing in the    it is alleged this one envelope     sidering that Ewing would go
media capital of the world, are     was frozen thus giving Stern an     on to be a future hall of famer
coming off a season that yield-     identifiable way of differentiat-   rival fans would like to think so.
ed only 24 wins from a possible     ing the letters, which would        Either way it is always fun to
82 matches. In order to decide      not be detected by the average      speculate.
which team will get the number      armchair viewer.
one draft pick, teams that did                                             All things considered how-
not make the finals are entered         The ballot opens, Stern         ever, I cannot help but feel Big-
into a ballot.                      pauses. Three envelopes are         foot was somehow involved…
    Seems plausible and, in the     pulled out before the commis-
interest of sportsmanship, the      sioner carefully selects one,          Decide    for   yourself:
fairest possible method. The        conveniently the one with the       <http://www.youtube.com/
                                    indent. For the subsequent          watch?v=0TgJE7C5wiU>
   30                                              
WHAT’S ON AT
PENINSULA?
                SEMESTER ONE                Biggest Morning Tea
                                             Thursday 28th of May pop into
                                          the Seahorse Tavern between 8.30-
                                          10.30am for a cuppa. All money raised
  Stress Less Week 25th-                  will go directly to the Cancer Council.
29th May
   Feeling a little bit overwhelmed and
bogged down by all of the academic
demands of uni life? Don’t worry your             SEMESTER TWO
not alone! Come and unwind during our
Stress Less Week, designed to relax and
reenergize you before the upcoming          Disorientation               Week
                                          20th-24th July
                                             Celebrate the return to uni life with
                                          our fun packed week and kick of the
                                          semester with a bang at our “Parma &
                                          Pot Comedy Night” on the 23rd of July!




Stay up to date with what’s going on add MONSU Peninsula to your
Facebook and MySpace.


If you have any questions feel free to contact �rista or Cassie
�rista Renshaw ( Activities & Sports Chair)
activities.chair@monsupeninsula.org.au
Cassie Antony (Marketing & Publications Officer)
marketing@monsupeninsula.org.au


                                                                 31
32
   Las Vegas Party

  The Seahorse Tavern was transformed into the Fabulous Las Vegas for
MONSU Peninsula’s 2009 Mid-Semester Party.



   An eccentric assortment of Elvis’s, Brides to be, High rolling gamers,
Tourist and several Casino Robbers enjoyed hours of gambling their ‘funny
money’ away. The games room included a Money Wheel, Roulette and Black
Jack all run by professional Casino croupiers whom primed the crowed and
turned a blind eye to some sly thief’s. Unfortunately some had to go to great
lengths to try and salvage their losses by singing to the crowd, or begging for
more funny money from some of the affluent MONSU reps!



   Congratulations to the 60 couples who were wedded by Elvis at the Little
White Chapel during the course of the night! We hope you all enjoyed your
honeymoon!



   Thank-you to all the wonderful MONSU Peninsula Reps that worked so
hard to create such a fun night!



   �rista Renshaw (Activities & Sports Chair)

   Sam Gales (Activities Deputy)
                                                                                  33
                     
SUPER POWERS
                                                                        fulfill this prophecy. Why she
                                                                        didn’t use her abilities to at
                                                                        least get tomorrow’s Tatslotto     T
                                                                                                           Y
                                                                        numbers is beyond me.

FA C T O R F I C T I O N ?                                                  It seems that my research

HARRISON POLITES                    on my already less than mini-
                                                                        has only given me more ques-
                                                                        tions than answers; which
                                    mum wage pay, I would only          is pointless, because I really



                                                                                                           T
    Don’t lie to yourself. I’m
sure everyone at one point          be able to afford a failing law     wanted to conclude this ar-
or another has wished they          student for my defense. This        ticle with an absolute answer
could fly, breath underwater,       defense would constitute of         to my initial question. So I put
walk through walls, shoot la-       one phrase- “freedom of the         the question to some friends,
sers from their eyes or even        press”.                             because when in doubt, that’s
move objects with their                                                 what all good researchers do!
mind. So for the sake of ‘in-           Shattered by the potential      After a forced and awkward
tegral’ journalism (Esperanto)      failure of my previous idea,        conversation that lasted
, I have decided to research        I turned to Wikipedia the           about two minutes, I was
such phenomena, in a ‘me-           source of all knowledge and         able to conclude that none
thodical’ and ‘empirical’ fash-     Uni bibliographies. I first tried   of my friends found the idea
ion.                                Facebook; the other source          plausible. In fact, one par-
                                    of ‘quality’ news stories for       ticular friend claimed that the
    So my first idea was well       the modern media, but then          slim chance that Dumbledore
to ‘empirically’ test such abili-   I realized that only a loony        would tumble to her house
ties. This would involve, well;     would write such things for         and label her a wizard, more
pushing unsuspecting people         thousands to see. So back           possible than the existence of
off the � building balcony to       to Wikipedia. I was amazed          superhuman powers. Perhaps
test human flight, locking          that I found something other        we only want such a concept
students in tute classrooms         than articles on Marvel com-        to exist because they appeal
to test my theory on people         ics, and weirdo’s with long         to our desires to be beyond
walking through walls and           foreign names. According to         normality, to stand out from
blocking people’s cars in with      the free encyclopedia, there        the crowd.
my atrocious parking skills to      are actually numerous indi-
see if they could use telekine-     viduals who were recorded to            So what’s the bloody an-
sis to move my car – or their       be able to move objects with        swer… There really isn’t one.
mobiles to call security. Final-    their minds. Such an example        People need to make up their
ly for kicks, and as a tribute      is Nina �ulagina, the first re-     own mind about this pretty
to yet another X Men feature        corded Soviet psychic who           pointless issue. You can’t
film recycling job, I would         moved small objects with her        deny the freaky superhu-
take my dad’s steak knife set       mind. Chizuko Mifune is an-         man phenomena within our
and some duct tape to the           other human being deemed            world, but a lack of empirical
Sex it up party, find someone       to have harbored some sort          evidence really makes a de-
who is blind drunk and make         of paranormal abilities. She        finitive answer for this issue
my own ‘Wolverine’. My only         could apparently perceive           hazy. But whatever you do,
concern about doing such ac-        the future and other aberra-        don’t go throwing yourself off
tions would be… the student         tions while in deep medita-         buildings, running into walls
fatality rate… but more im-         tion. One urban legend is that      or giving yourself a migraine
portantly my own reputation         she foresaw a headline of           and hoping for the best.
among the student body. Not         her own death and therefore
to mention the lawsuits, and        ingested poison in order to

   34                                           
THINGS
YOU NEED
TO KNOW
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW

Result Disputes

Concerns about assessment are not uncommon. Issues may range from confusion about how a
mark was derived or what went wrong in an assignment or exam to more complicated matters
regarding procedural fairness or the specific conduct of the assessment. Generally you should start
by discussing any concern over assessment with the lecturer or tutor. You can ask the lecturer or
tutor to go over your work with you and assist you in understanding what you could do to improve
your result next time. Work worth more than 30% that receives a fail grade should be marked by
two people.

Special Consideration for exams

Sometimes things happen just before an exam that interferes with your study. You may be very sick
or a family member may pass away. If this happens you can apply for Special Consideration. If this is
granted, you will be given a deferred exam. Under no circumstances will you be given a mark
adjustment.

You must lodge your application and supporting documentation and evidence with your Faculty
office no later than 48hours after your FINAL exam for the semester.

If youÿ re applying for Special Consideration due to illness you need a doctor to verify that you were
totally unable to sit the exam.

Mobile Phones in Exams

Possession of a mobile phone in an examination is an offence under the University Discipline
Regulations.

What does this mean?

It means that if you have a mobile phone on you (including in your pocket) during an examination
you may receive a fine of up to $300.

To avoid getting a fine make sure that you turn your mobile phone OFF, and place it with your bag
on the floor.

                                                                                            35
If you get a fine for a mobile that you wish to dispute, or if you may have issues paying it then
contact a Student Rights Officer on 9903 2596 or email studentrights@monsu.org
STUDENT
RIGHTS &
SUPPORT
 STUDENT RIGHTS & SUPPORT
 Student Rights & Support is a free, confidential service provided by MONSU.
 We are employed by the student body and are independent of the University.
 We provide information, advice, referral and advocacy to students experiencing difficulties whilst
 studying at Monash University.

 Our staff specialise in providing assistance in relation to:

 •         Academic progress
 •         Administration questions
 •         Grievances (complaints)
 •         Discipline (misconduct)
 •         Result disputes
 •         Special Consideration (extensions & deferred exams)

 If you would like advice or have questions about your rights as students, please don’t hesitate in
 either emailing us or coming in to see us.

 MONSU Student Rights & Support

     CAULFIELD                                PENINSULA                          BERWICK

     Level 3, Building S, 2 Princes Avenue,   Building U, McMahons Road          Building 930, Clyde Road
     Caulfield East, Vic, Australia, 3145      Frankston, Vic, Australia, 3199    Berwick, Vic, Australia, 3806
     P: +61 3 9903 2596                       P: +61 3 9904 4217                 P: +61 3 9904 7019
     F: +61 3 9572 3971                       F: +61 3 9783 3664                 studentrights@monsu.org
     studentrights@monsu.org                  studentrights@monsu.org            www.monsu.org/studentrights
     www.monsu.org/studentrights              www.monsu.org/studentrights




        36
                                                               
  EXAM
  HELP
T DESK
 MONSU EXAM HELP DESK

 At the end of every semester Monash conducts approximately 85, 000
 exams at the Caulfield Racecourse. This can be a difficult and stressful
 experience, especially if you’re doing exams for the first time. To help you
 MONSU provides the EXAM HELP DESK.

 We are open at the start of every exam session to assist you, by providing:
 •    Directions to exam venues       
 •    Exam seat numbers
 •    The purchase of last minute stationary supplies
 •    Assistance with general queries
 •    Advice and referral to University support services

 We also have a Student Rights Officer available for students to discuss
 special consideration applications, as well as any other issues that may be
 affecting you.

 We are located opposite the Main Grandstand and open 45 minutes before
 the start of each exam.




                                                                        37
                           
                THE OTHERSIDE OF
REBECCA VUKOVIC                      FAIRYTALES
   Imagine what your parents would think if
you started actually dressing a banana in py-
jamas. I can only think of two possible reac-
tions they’d have: they’d either be impressed
that you had found pyjamas that would fit a
banana, or they’d think they were going to
have to get you some professional help.

                                    As chil-
                                dren we are
                                being        fed
                                conspira-
                                cies.        We
                                are taught
                                values, and
                                then         ex-
                                posed to a se-           Captain Planet didn’t really save the world
                                ries of lies that    from destruction. Sorry to be the bearer of
                                contradict           bad news. The world is in fact more screwed
                                such       ideas.    now than it ever has been. Birds are not nearly
                                Dressing your        as big as Big Bird, Johnson didn’t really have
                                banana in py-        friends, nor did his walking and talking hot
                                jamas is very        water bottle friend lie under the bed. Bar-
                                strange. Yet,        ney never had a happy family. Scooby never
                                our parents          solved any mysteries or kill any ghosts. And
                                saw no trou-         Humphrey was a giant bear wearing tartan?
                                ble in sitting       Please! Do not insult my intelligence.
                                us in front of
                                the television,          Then there is the Easter bunny. What a
                                watching two         ridiculous concept! I’m actually surprised I
                                 oversized           didn’t work it out for myself a whole lot earli-
                                 fruit charac-       er. Bunnies do not lay eggs. The Easter chicken
                                 ters dressed        at least a lot more plausible.
                                 in bedclothes
                                 when          we         When I have
                                 were        only    kids I’m going to
                                 mere        chil-   expose them to the
                                 dren.               real world. There
                                                     will be no bunnies
                                     S a n t a       or fat men hand-
                                  Claus is per-      ing out presents.
                                  haps       the     Instead they’ll be
                                                     questioning        the
                                  greatest lie       hard news- has Gre-
                                  ever told. We      tel really gone bald?
                                  are taught to      Did Pratt’s mistress
                                  never accept       really deserve the
presents from strange men. In fact we’re told        $125 million? And is
to avoid all strangers in general. What’s worse      this goddamn swine
though, is the idea of an old man creeping into      flu really going to kill
our bedrooms at night to deliver gifts. Old Sir      us all?
Nicholas really has broken a lot of hearts out
there.
  38
                            
CHAIN LETTERS DEBUNKED
VANJA BEZBRADICA
    Do you believe emailing X amount of people in your contact list can make an image or video
appear on your screen or that reposting a bulletin on MySpace will find you a soul mate? If you
answered yes, than you may be suffering from a serious case of chain - letteritus.
    It continues to fascinate me that individuals still have the need to repost bulletins and clut-
ter my inbox with superstitious junk simply because some sad bastard told them if they don’t
repost in Y amount of seconds to X amount of people they will be haunted with an eternity of
bad luck and misfortune. They entice the recipient with such phrases as “you will have the best
day of your life tomorrow, if you repost this” or the more common, “if you don’t repost this you
will die”. I am certain that none of us will die as the result of ignoring one of these preposterous
demands.
    Chain letters thrive on fear, feeding of venerable and naïve souls that fall victim to its mysti-
cal façade. They are the leader of implementing guilt with stories about a child in Africa with
no food, who has been living in inhumane conditions his whole life and whose only salvation is
$1 per letter he will receive if you forward this email. It takes no myth buster to figure out that
chain letters were created by a fool with the genius idea of making money by means of taking
advantage of people’s superstitions. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but chain letters DO NOT
WORK, because by now:
    1.      I should have been murdered by a ghost hiding under my bed
    2.      My parents, friends, siblings, basically anyone I know should be dead
    3.      My hotmail account should no longer exist
    4.      I should currently be serving a ten year sentence of bad luck
    5.      All the money in my bank account should have mysteriously dissapeared.
    6.      Oh and yes I should be dead
    So please next time you receive one of these obnoxious letters do us all a favour and press
delete.
    *
    *
    *
    Please continue reading
    *
    *
    *
    *
    Make a wish
    *
    *
    *
    *
    [If you don’t continue reading Esperanto your wish will not come true and you will be at-
tacked by a crazed mad man on a pogo stick] This one is true! Really!!!

                                                                                               39
                                            
 Blonde’s Behind the Wheel
CASSANDRA EDMONDSON                 blonde has been a disease, of            Coles car park, and surrounding
    Recently everywhere you         the stupid kind. Jokes aside, too        streets.)
look, everyone has swine flu fe-    often does life imitate comedy,
ver. Every one seems to be con-     more often than not in a dan-                 Symptom number one: take
sumed by this so-called world-      gerous way. Science has proven           this night out for example- I, a
wide pandemic. BUT just like        that the blonde population is on         blonde am driving home sober
the hype over a new born child,     the way out and in the decades           after a uni party when suddenly
this new born disease is a mere     to come all natural blondes will         I look over to my left and have an
distraction from the multiple       be eliminated...desperate times          affirmation: Charman Rd in Chel-
other diseases out there, slowing   have come to desperate mea-              tenham is really really wide! I was
plotting away at their very own     sures and as us girls flock to the       so overcome with shock and ex-
destruction of the world whilst     salon for out monthly peroxide           citement that I quickly exclaimed
our eyes are temporarily occu-      we forget the damage we are re-          to my very drunken passenger
pied by the exercise of             ally doing to ourselves and soci-        “OMG have you every noticed
scanning any one who                                                                    how wide this road
coughs or sneezes for                                                                   is, I can’t believe how
any signs of a curly tail.                                                              different it is driving
So lets not forget the                                                                  down here is when its
bigger picture here,                                                                    not peak hour, this is
we think swine flu is                                                                   so exciting.” Only to be
the biggest danger to                                                                   told that I was driving
population      growth                                                                  on the wrong side of
right now? Before you                                                                   the road.
say yes - wait! Don’t
forget the blondes!!!                                                                          Symptom number
                                                                                          two: Not only do I no
   Since as long as I                                                                     longer have the capac-
can remember being                                                                        ity to know what side
                                                                                          of the road to drive on,
                                                                                          by my blonde disease
                                                                                          has meant that when
                                                                                          I first got my drivers li-
                                                                                          cense, I was under the
                                                                                          impression that having
                                    ety. Being blonde will kill us all....   reverse sensors in the car meant
                                                                             that I didn’t have to look behind
                                       I for one have caught this            when reversing. Two cars later
                                    dangerous disease. After eight           (yes it took two cars, not just one)
                                    years of peroxiding I thought I          I finally learnt my lesson.
                                                   was immune,
                                                   until I caught, a             My final symptom is probably
                                                   rather common             the most distressing for most
                                                   strain of this            of my friends. Panic mode. Any
                                                   disease (found            time I get stressed or panic while
                                                   mainly in Caul-           driving (this happens often) there
                                                   field residents           is always this quick fix solution:
                                                   and      Monash           take my hands of the wheel, start
                                                   Caulfield stu-            screaming and flail my arms in
                                                   dents,) the Very          the air.
                                                   Dangerous                     So watch out everyone,
                                                   Driver      strain        somewhere near you there is a
                                                   of blondeness.            blonde behind the wheel, wait-
                                                   (Please      note         ing for the opportunity to reap
                                                   this particular           havoc on the population with the
                                                   strain of the             only two brain cells they have.
                                                   disease has mu-           So how did the chicken cross the
                                                   tated and is no           road you ask? It didn’t, a blonde
                                                   longer affecting          was driving.
                                                   blondes only;
                                                   for proof, please
                                                   observe        the

   40                                                                                
THE MOON LANDING
WAS RUBBISH.
DISCUSS.
                  ZAC MARTIN

    F*** writing an article on
the moon landing conspiracy,
the Hungry Jack’s 2-4-1 deal
is where it’s at. Not only is it
way more interesting but it’s
totes relevant because you’re
probably on the same student
budget I am. I imagine you’re
all alcoholics too so this piece
of knowledge might just come
in handy next time you’re in
need of a dirty feed after four
Jägerbombs, thirteen beers
and for some strange reason
one Cruiser.

    Word on the street is the         Or at least it does some-
2-4-1 deal started as a pro-       times. As an avid user and
motion a few years back. Ap-       abuser of the 2-4-1 deal, I’ve   where the burgers are bet-
parently Hungry Jack’s ran a       learnt over the years that it    ter, head to Hungry Jack’s and
campaign where you could           depends on the store and         ask for the 2-4-1 deal so you
present a coupon and get two       the time. But in an exclusive,   can regret it the next morning
burgers for the price of one.      completely fabricated inter-     when you realise how many
At one point it got so popu-       view, this Esperanto jour-       calories you consumed. Ac-
lar people could simply walk       nalist was able to uncover       tually, f*** the calories. And
into a store without a coupon      the truth. The Hungry Jack’s     f*** Neil Armstrong. Also a
and get the deal anyway. Af-       employee, who wished to          nice big cup of go f*** your-
ter a few weeks the campaign       remain anonymous, said it        self to Buzz Aldrin. My hero
came to an end until some          really depended if the per-      is Michael Collins, the third
guy, who probably had a law        son behind the counter was       guy no one remembers who
degree downloaded from the         PMSing or not.                   orbited the moon while the
internet, discovered a loop                                         other two wenches stole his
hole; Hungry Jack’s had for-          So next time you decide       glory. Also Whoppers are
gotten to put an expiry date       you want some grub from          awesome.
on the coupons.

    Thus was born the Hungry
Jack’s 2-4-1 conspiracy. Of
course, this is a complete load
of rubbish and is probably the
reason your lecturers don’t
let you use the Internets as an
academic reference. So while
I have no idea how the 2-4-1
deal actually came about, I
                                                                     EXPIRY DATE: SEE PAGE 14
can tell you it does exist and
                                                                     FOR FURTHER INFORMATION
it does work.

                                                                         41
      ARTISTS                                                                  R: Was that a question?


      SPOTLIGHT                                                                S: No more a question
                                                                            than this is I guess.
                                         VIA SMS

                                                                               R: I’ll Slap your sunburn.

      Ryan De Remer           is      coal pics of Zacs mum. As for             Alas, in this exchange,
  an elusive human being. He          the lack if artists I think its cos   Ryan did not “sext” me once.
  is harder to get hold of than       Esperanto is 2 lazy to walk               If you think you have the
  the boogie man after an af-         further than 3 metres down            talent to add to our piece to
  fair with BigFoot. It seems         the hall to find one, probs the       the right, plus the tolerance
  the only way I could get hold       reason why im doing this in-          to put up with an interview
  of the man is through the           terview via sms as well. And          with me – email us at Espe-
  abridged and grammatically          thanks for noticing my post-          ranto@monsucaulfield.org.
  challenged vernacular of the        ers… I rate them. Lmao lol :O         au with subject title “Artist
  SMS world.                                                                Spotlight”
                                         S: Poor Zac. This is the
     S: Ryan De Remer, we r do-       conspiracy issue anyway – did            anyway, “G2G”
  ing ur interview via sms, well      you know the govt is proba-
  because we can. First ques-         bly reading this exchange rite
  tion is do you have enough          now? And Major league base-
  credit to continue?                 ball, the same group plaguing
                                      One HD, is spying
      R: yes I do, im on a cap. Lol   on us from space.
  rofl :)                             The       Simpsons
                                      taught me that.
     S: Schweeet. Ur a designer       Those little yel-
  – this is artist spotlight. WTF.    low bastards ever
  Our uni has a whole fine arts       teach u anything?
  faculty – how did we not find
  a real artist. Can you even             R:    Nobody
  draw without the aid of like        likes    sunburn
  90 rulers :S I like your MONSU      slappers, and I
  events posters tho. :P              don’t have diplo-
                                      matic immunity.
      R: I never have and never
  will be able to draw, the ex-          S: Yeah sun-
  tent of my drawing is char-         burn sucks.

      42
                                                                                   
            43
        
                                    RESTORE SIGHT
                                     FOR JUST $25
Photo:michaelamendolia.com




                             We need to perform 12,000 operations each month
                             Three out of four people who are blind       only 20 minutes and cost just $25.
                             can have their sight saved or restored.      Each month, our goal is to restore sight
                             In some developing countries the operation   to 12,000 people. Donate now to help
                             to overcome cataract blindness can take      us continue Fred’s work.



                             DONATE NOW
                                44
                             1800 352 352
                             www.hollows.org.au
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