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LAKE COPS

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					                             LAKE COPS

                        “THE „NEW‟ NEW GUY”

FADE IN:

Black screen. The words “Previously… on Lake Cops” appears.

EXT. FOREST – EVENING
Hooker and Dolomite are hiding behind two trees as
explosions go off around them and bullets rip through the
air.

                            DOLOMITE
                    (yelling over the noise)
           We‟re cut off! We‟ll never make it back
           to base!

                            HOOKER
           Don‟t you say that! „Never‟ is not in
           our vocabulary!

                           DOLOMITE
           You‟re right! We can do this. But it‟s
           gonna be dangerous.

                            HOOKER
           I know. Thousands of enemy soldiers,
           all bearing down on us.
                            (beat)
           It‟s what I live for.

                           DOLOMITE
           Right on, brotha.

An explosion rocks the forest nearby.

                              HOOKER
           You ready?

                             DOLOMITE
           Yeah.
                            (beat)
           Hey, Hooker. See ya on the other side.

Hooker nods with a steely face.
                          HOOKER
         Nice working with ya, Officer Dolomite.

They both hold up machine guns.

                          DOLOMITE
         1… 2… 3!

They both charge out from behind the trees, screaming. The
screen freezes and…

TITLE SEQUENCE

EXT. LAKE PONCHERELLO – MORNING
Officers B.J. HOOKER and DIRK DOLOMITE are patrolling the
lake on their jet skis.

                         DOLOMITE
         You know, I could get to like being a
         Lake Cop. This is a pretty easy gig.
         You were right about it being like a
         vacation.

                          HOOKER
         Man, this is the best job ever! Where
         else can you fight crime AND spend all
         day on a beautiful lake like this?

                         DOLOMITE
         That‟s what I‟m saying. This isn‟t so
         bad.

                          HOOKER
         You‟re doing okay for being the new
         guy. Most people take a while to get
         the hang of this job, but you‟ve done
         pretty well for yourself.

                         DOLOMITE
                         (shrugs)
         Maybe I had a good teacher.

                           HOOKER
         No. Partner.

                        HOOKER (V.O.)
         Man, this is going great! Maybe we can
         be partners forever! We could be like,
         like… those two guys on that cop show!

                         DOLOMITE
         Did you say something?

                          HOOKER
         Huh? Oh, no. No, I was just thinking
         about… Designing Women.

                           DOLOMITE
         Designing Women?

                          HOOKER
         Yeah. It‟s a great show. I used to
         watch it all the time. We should go
         check out my Designing Women Season 4
         DVD set at my mom‟s house. It‟s great!

                           DOLOMITE
         I‟d rather not.

                          HOOKER
         Hey. That‟s fine too.

INT. LAKE COPS HQ – MORNING
Hooker, Dolomite, the ROOKIE and few other Lake Cops are
gathered in the meeting room. The CAPTAIN stands in front,
giving the daily meeting.

                          CAPTAIN
         And because of that tragedy, we will no
         longer be patrolling the shores of the
         park areas during duck mating season.
                          (beat)
         Now, on to other matters. I‟d like to
         take this time to introduce a new
         member to our team.

The Captain waves JOHNNY SHAFTSTIEN over.

                          CAPTAIN
         This is Johnny Shaftstein. He‟s a
         recent graduate of West Point‟s Lake
         Cops affiliate in Oklahoma City. He‟ll
         be spending some time with us, learning
         how we do things down here in Texas so
         he can teach those backward Okies the
         right way to be a Lake Cop. So let‟s
         all make him feel welcome here on his
         first day!

                          SHAFTSTEIN
         Thanks.

Everyone claps briefly.

                          CAPTAIN
         Shaftstein will be working with Hooker
         and Dolomite for a few days until we
         can find a regular partner for the
         remainder of his stay. It was going to
         be Officer Simone but unfortunately he
         finally passed away last night from the
         injuries he sustained last week when
         his water vehicle was broadsided by
         what turned out to be the largest bass
         ever found in any North American Lake.
         Ever.

Everyone nods in sad, silent agreement.

                          CAPTAIN
         Ok then. Meeting is adjourned, and be
         sure to get yourself some of those new
         jelly donuts in the break room!

Shaftstein walks over to Dolomite and Hooker.

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         Hey, you‟re Dirk Dolomite, right?

                          DOLOMITE
         Yeah.

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         I heard about you! You‟re the guy who
         busted Jackie Velarde and blew up that
         boat a few weeks ago, right?

                         DOLOMITE
         Yeah, that was me.
                        SHAFTSTEIN
         And you were the guy who worked Vice
         back in the 41st precinct. You found
         that half-ton of heroin for, uh… who
         was it… „El Luchador‟?

                         DOLOMITE
                         (smiles)
         Yeah… Yeah, I was pretty proud of that.

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         Man, I‟ve heard all about you! You‟re
         like a legend, man.

                         DOLOMITE
         Umm, thanks. Never been called a legend
         before.

                          HOOKER
         Hey, I‟m B.J. Hooker. I‟m his partner.

                         SHAFTSTEIN
         Hey.
                       (to DOLOMITE)
         So hey, can I buy you a beer after work
         or something? I‟d love to hear about
         how you pulled off all those big busts.

                         DOLOMITE
         Sure thing. We can hit up the
         restaurant here at the marina.

                          HOOKER
         You know I‟ve got a pretty solid arrest
         record myself. Did you know the
         misdemeanor fines collected by the
         county for the tickets I‟ve written is
         the largest for any law officer in the
         state over a ten-year period?

Dolomite and Shaftstein stare blankly at Hooker.

                      HOOKER (Cont‟d)
         Yeah, I know. Shocking and impressive.

                          DOLOMITE
                      (to Shaftstein)
         So hey, let me show you around the
         place.

                         SHAFTSTEIN
         Sounds good.

                         DOLOMITE
         I can go over the procedures we have
         here real quick, then I can show you
         your „ride‟.

                         SHAFTSTEIN
         Awesome!

Dolomite and Shaftstein walk off together, leaving Hooker
behind.

                          HOOKER
                  (calls out after them)
         So uh… you two go ahead. I‟m just gonna
         head on out and start my patrol early.
                          (beat)
         Oh, and be sure to show him which stall
         in the bathroom to avoid. You know,
         because of the messed up toilet seat…
         and all that…

Hooker returns from his patrol to find Shaftstein talking
to the Rookie about Poker.

                        SHAFTSTEIN
            [brings up some jargon-heavy poker
                          terms]

                          ROOKIE
         Oh, ok. So even though the Ace is kind
         of a One, it‟s really higher than the
         other cards?

                         SHAFTSTEIN
                           (beat)
         Right.

                          HOOKER
         So, Shaftstein, you say you went to
         school in Oklahoma?
                         SHAFTSTEIN
         Yeah.

                          HOOKER
         Weeeeelllllll, did they teach you about
         Regulation 3 Section A subsection 22 in
         Oklahoma school?

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         Regulation 3 Section A subsection 22?
         Oh yeah, that‟s the, uh… you know, the
         uh…

                          HOOKER
         HA! You don‟t know it! Are you sure
         you‟re even a Lake Cop?

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         What? No, I‟m a Lake Cop, really!

                          ROOKIE
         Umm, Hooker, I don‟t know that one
         either.

                          HOOKER
         You‟re just a Rookie.

                           ROOKIE
                       (indignantly)
         So is he!

                          HOOKER
         Hmmm. Ok, what about Regulation 2
         Section F subsection 17?

Shaftstein and the Rookie look at Hooker with blank stares.

                          HOOKER
         Oh come on! “Large and Smallmouth Bass
         Fishing Season shall begin on the third
         Saturday in May and end on the 30th of
         November with a Daily Maximum Limit of
         5”.
                          (beat)
         What is wrong with our Lake Cop
         training system in this country when
         you don‟t even know what Regulation 2
         Section F subsection 17 of the Lake
         Code is?

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         Oh okay, I remember that one now.

                           ROOKIE
         Yeah, me too!

                           HOOKER
         No you don‟t. You remember because I
         just told you.
                    (points his finger)
         You two haven‟t heard the last about
         this.

Shaftstein and the Rookie look at each other ominously as
Hooker walks away.

INT. LAKE COPS HQ – DAY
The Captain is sitting at his desk doing paperwork. Hooker
walks up and sits down at the chair in front of his desk
without saying anything. A long pause, then…

                          CAPTAIN
         Do you need something?

                          HOOKER
         Who? Me? No… I‟m ok.

The Captain goes back to his paperwork.

                          CAPTAIN
         So you‟re just here to keep that seat
         warm?

                          HOOKER
         You know me, Cap. Always here to help.

                          CAPTAIN
                          (beat)
         Did you just call me „Cap‟?

                          HOOKER
         Do you, uh… not like to be called
         „Cap‟?
                          CAPTAIN
         When have I ever liked to be called
         „Cap‟?

                          HOOKER
                         (pauses)
         You know, we don‟t talk as much as we
         used to.

                          CAPTAIN
         Imagine my chagrin.

                          HOOKER
         No, really. Remember back in the old
         days, when it was just you, me and
         McGarrett, back before he got
         transferred to Hawaii?

                          CAPTAIN
         Don‟t you have Dolomite to go bug now?

                          HOOKER
         Yeah…

Another pause.

                      HOOKER (Cont‟d)
         So, what do you think about this
         Shaftstein guy?

                          CAPTAIN
         He seems like an OK guy to me. For a
         guy from Oklahoma.

                          HOOKER
         I get a bad feeling about him.

                          CAPTAIN
         Shaftstein? No way.

                          HOOKER
         There‟s something about him that I
         don‟t like. I‟m gonna get to the bottom
         of it.

                          CAPTAIN
         I‟d be shocked if you didn‟t.
                          HOOKER
         Hey, you know what Regulation 2 Section
         F subsection 17 is, right?

                          CAPTAIN
         Yeah. It‟s that one about Bass fishing
         season or something.

                          HOOKER
         See! I knew it. There is something
         fundamentally wrong with our training
         program these days.

                          CAPTAIN
         Look, I don‟t have time for this. I
         have to go to the charity basketball
         tournament for the Confederacy Reborn
         Foundation.

The Captain stands up and takes off his shirt to reveal a
70‟s style basketball jersey.

                          CAPTAIN
         You can scoreboard Shaftstein on Laws
         and Regulations all you want, but don‟t
         let him see your… you know… weird side.

Captain walks off.

                          HOOKER
         My what? I‟m perfectly normal.

INT. LAKE COPS HQ - DAY
Hooker, Dolomite, Rookie and Shaftstein are in the office.

                         DOLOMITE
         Hey Shaftstein, you want to go patrol
         by Starksy‟s Cove?

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         Sure man. Let me finish sharpening this
         knife.

                       HOOKER (V.O.)
         Hey, he never asks me to go patrol
         Starsky‟s Cove.
Shaftstein puts away his knife and walks off with
Dolomite.

                           HOOKER
         There‟s something not right about this.
                        (stands up)
         Lake Cops mobilize!

The Rookie looks up, then looks around, seeing no one else.

                          ROOKIE
         It‟s just me, Hooker.

                          HOOKER
                         (quietly)
         Damnit. He‟s taken that away from me
         too.
                          (beat)
         Ok, Rookie. You‟ll do. Come on!

Rookie stands up, beaming.

EXT. LAKE
Hooker and Rookie are sharing a jet ski. Hooker stops and
pulls out his binoculars.

                          ROOKIE
         Hey, Hooker, when am I going to get my
         own jet ski?

                          HOOKER
         When you pass your Water Vehicle
         Operation Hazard Course.
                          (beat)
         And don‟t tell the Captain I took you
         out here before you passed all of your
         swimming lessons, either.

                          ROOKIE
         Only four more to go.

Hooker scans the horizon, before finally seeing Dolomite
and Shaftstein riding away toward Starsky‟s Cove.

                          HOOKER
         There they are. Let‟s roll!
EXT. LAKE – DAY
Dolomite and Shaftstein are sitting on their jet skis,
looking around. Suddenly, Dolomite ducks.

                         DOLOMITE
         Watch out, there‟s a giant yellowjacket
         flying around us.

                         SHAFTSTEIN
                           (ducks)
         Whoa.

                         DOLOMITE
         They‟re nasty around here. But they
         hate water. Start splashing it when you
         see it. Maybe it‟ll go away.

Dolomite and Shaftstein start splashing water around.

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         Yeah, this doesn‟t look gay.

EXT. SHORELINE – DAY
Hooker and the Rookie are laying on the ground looking
through the binoculars. Hooker sees Dolomite and Shaftstein
splashing each other and laughing.

                          HOOKER
         I can‟t watch this anymore. Rookie, you
         look.

Hooker passes the binoculars to the Rookie.

                          HOOKER
         What are they doing, now?

                          ROOKIE
         They‟re still splashing each other.

                          HOOKER
         Can you read lips?

                           ROOKIE
         Yeah.

                           HOOKER
What are they saying?

                 ROOKIE
Ummm… something with an „O‟ in it.
Maybe an „M‟. Yeah, definitely an „O‟.

                 HOOKER
Can‟t you tell what they‟re saying?

                 ROOKIE
Shaftstein just said „Elephant Shoe‟.
And I think Dolomite just said „I want
a Fig Newton‟.

                 HOOKER
That doesn‟t make any sense.

                 ROOKIE
Wait a minute. They‟re stopping
someone.

                  HOOKER
                (excited)
Really? For what?

                 ROOKIE
It looks like they‟re busting someone
for having an open beer can.

                 HOOKER
                 (nods)
That‟s right. No one gets away.

                 ROOKIE
Now, they‟re letting him go.

                 HOOKER
What!?

                 ROOKIE
Now they‟re laughing again.

                 HOOKER
Wait a minute. They let him go?!
         (grabs the binoculars)
That‟s it. This Shaftstein has got to
be stopped.
INT. LAKE COPS HQ – AFTERNOON
Hooker is sitting at a desk in the HQ when Dolomite enters.

                         DOLOMITE
         Hey, I just got back from sparring with
         Shaftstein. Did you know he‟s studied
         Akido?

                           HOOKER
                        (scornfully)
         Oh, really?

                         DOLOMITE
         Yeah, he‟s a surprising guy.

                          HOOKER
         You two really seem to be hitting it
         off.

                         DOLOMITE
         Did you know Shaftstein knows the
         Flying Monkey Squawking Eagle move? Man
         that Shaftstein is a bad mother-

                            HOOKER
         Hush your mouth!

                         DOLOMITE
         Hey, I‟m just talking about Shaftstein.

                          HOOKER
         Oh, that seems to be all you talk about
         these days.

                         DOLOMITE
         What‟s wrong with you?

                            HOOKER
         Oh nothing.
                       (long pause)
         It‟s just ever since your new „friend‟
         has shown up, you don‟t care about the
         Lake Code anymore.

                         DOLOMITE
         Have you been drinking?
                          HOOKER
         Well if I was, you and Shaftstein
         probably wouldn‟t do anything about it.

                         DOLOMITE
         What is that supposed to mean?

                          HOOKER
         Oh I think you know. About Mr. Open
         Container at Starsky‟s Cove?

                         DOLOMITE
                          (pause)
         Have you been spying on us?

                          HOOKER
         Maybe I was, maybe I wasn‟t.

                         DOLOMITE
         For your information, that guy was in
         knee-deep water, with one beer, in a
         part of the lake where no else was. He
         wasn‟t teaching kids to swim, or
         driving the Bangboat or anything like
         that. Sometimes you can let people go.

                          HOOKER
         Well I think ever since Shaftstein has
         shown up, you‟ve spent more time
         learning your Spanking Monkey Choking
         Chicken moves and less time enforcing
         the Lake Code that you‟ve sworn to
         uphold.

                         DOLOMITE
         Well, you think what you want. I like
         the guy, and I‟m gonna go hang out with
         him right now. You can just sit here
         and pout.
                          (beat)
         It‟s not always about regulations, man.
         Sometimes you gotta worry about the
         people, too.

Dolomite walks away leaving Hooker by himself.
                           HOOKER
            (shouting to Dolomite as he leaves)
         And I thought you were allergic to Fig
         Newtons?

Hooker sits down at his desk dejectedly.

                      HOOKER (CONT‟D)
                        (to himself)
         Pfffft… Not about regulations.
                           (beat)
         What else is there?
                           (beat)
         And I worry about people all the time.
         I love people. And they love me!
                        (long pause)
         Not about regulations… What kind of
         crazy talk is that?

Hooker sighs and look around the empty room sadly.

INT. DOLOMITE‟S LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Dolomite and Shaftstein are sitting in Dolomite‟s living
room, watching TV.

                        SHAFTSTEIN
                         (laughs)
         Man, you tell some good stories.

                         DOLOMITE
         Yeah. I do tell good stories.

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         Hey, I‟m gonna get another beer. You
         want one?

                          DOLOMITE
         Sure.

Shaftstein walks into the kitchen, but instead of grabbing
a drink, he grabs a knife and gives a wicked smile. He
walks back into the living room and stands behind Dolomite
with the knife.

                                                     CUT TO:
Hooker arrives at Dolomite‟s house and stands at the door,
deciding if he should knock.

                           HOOKER
                       (to himself)
         Dirk, I‟m sorry.
                           (beat)
         No.
                           (beat)
         I‟m, sorry. Dirk.
                           (nods)
         Yeah, that‟s it.

                                                     CUT TO:

Dolomite sees Shaftstein‟s reflection on a giant sword
hanging on the wall, which allows him to dodge the knife at
the last second. He grabs shaftstein‟s arm and knocks the
knife from his hand. A scuffle ensues.

                                                     CUT TO:

Hooker holds his hand up to the door, about to knock, then
changes his mind and starts to walk away. He stops, then
walks back up to the door, struggling to decide if he
should knock or not.

                                                     CUT TO:

Shaftstein and Dolomite trade punches when Shaftstein
finally breaks free and lunges for the knife, which has
fallen by the door. He grabs it and stands up, holding it
menacingly.

                        SHAFTSTEIN
         El Luchador says „Hola‟, Dolomite, and
         „Donde esta la piscina‟.
                          (beat)
         Pendejo.

                                                     CUT TO:

Hooker finally decides to just open the door and walk in.
As he does, the door hits Shaftstein on the back of his
head, knocking him out.
Dolomite rushes over and grabs the knife, while Hooker
stands over Shaftstein, looking confused.

                         DOLOMITE
         Good save… partner.

                          HOOKER
         Ummm, yeah… Yeah, it was!

INT. LAKE COPS HQ – DAY
Hooker, Dolomite, the Rookie and the Captain are in the
Lake Cops HQ congratulating Hooker on saving the day.

                          CAPTAIN
         Good call on Shaftstein, Hooker. You
         really nailed that one.

                          ROOKIE
         Yeah, I had no idea he was here to kill
         us.

                          HOOKER
         Hey, it‟s all just part of the job. If
         anyone can sniff out a fake Lake Cop,
         it‟s me.

                         DOLOMITE
         You saved my ass, too. I never would
         have suspected him to be an assassin,
         and I‟m usually pretty good at that.

                          HOOKER
         Hey, you were blinded by his charms.

                          CAPTAIN
         And his lies.

                           ROOKIE
         And his looks.

Hooker, Dolomite and the Captain all stare at the Rookie.

                          ROOKIE
         Hey, don‟t act like I‟m the only one
         who noticed.

                          CAPTAIN
            So, is everyone ready to go?

                             HOOKER
            Go where?

                            CAPTAIN
            The prison.

                             HOOKER
            What for?

                            DOLOMITE
            It‟s visiting hours. We‟re gonna go see
            Shaftstein. You know, try to cheer him
            up.

                             HOOKER
            But… he tried to kill you! He works for
            „El Luchador‟! He was a fake Lake Cop!

                            DOLOMITE
            Yeah, but he‟s still a really cool guy.

They all leave, with Hooker standing in the office
dumbstruck.

The screen fades to black and the words “NEXT… on Lake
Cops” appears.

INT. LAKE COPS HQ - DAY
Hooker and Dolomite are standing in the office staring at
each other. Dolomite turns to walk away, but Hooker grabs
his shoulder and turns him around.

                             HOOKER
            But, Dolomite. The baby is yours!

Dolomite‟s jaw drops as soap opera music plays.

FADE OUT:

				
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