So You’ve Decided to Fart in a Public Place…
The Composition of a Fart
A fart is comprised of two potentially damning elements: Smell, and Sound. Let us assume that both the Sound and Smell of a fart can be rated between 0 and 100, based on severity. Simply add the scores of both elements, and if the total is greater than 150, you’ve reached a level at which it will become socially acceptable for the people around you to make mention of the fart without others objecting.
Level Where It’s Socially Acceptable to Call Someone Out for Farting
As you can see by this chart, in this instance, neither the smell nor the sound of the fart were rated high enough on their own to reach the level where another’s mentioning of the fart is socially acceptable. When combined however, the sound and smell exceed the level of social acceptance, and you will promptly be called out on the fart.
Fart Sound
Fart Smell + Sound
Fart Smell
Step 1: Who Is Your Company?
It is important to assess the people around you, as there are a few factors that could weigh in on your decision to deploy your fart, or to re-strategize your game plan: 1. Is there a member of the opposite sex present that you wish to have sexual intercourse with at any time in the future? 2. Is there a person(s) who have, in the past, made a large to-do over someone farting? 3. Is there anyone near you that is known for farting, and thus could provide a reliable shelter from accusations, should such a situation arise?
Step 2: Preliminary Prediction
It’s important to have as much knowledge as possible about the fart prior to its release, because once it has been unleashed, quick action may become necessary. Here are some factors that will help you to determine what type of fart it’s going to be:
1. Do you have to Defecate? Pre-defecatory farts normally prove to be quite malodorous. The exact reasons are unknown, but some scientists speculate that it’s due to their passing over your poops before exiting the anus. Have you Eaten Spicy Foods/Red Meat Recently? Both tend to provide a more breathy, malodorous fart. Are You Gonna Have to Work This One Out? When distending your anus muscles, are there large amounts of resistance that may require a more-forceful-than-normal push from your sphincter? This is a good indicator that your fart will reach a high decibel level.
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Step 3: Plan the Alibi
If your fart draws attention upon its release, you must be prepared to quickly and confidently pass blame to other parties, be they animate or inanimate. Here are some factors to keep in mind:
1. Is there a fat person near you? If there is, simply react to the fart just as everyone else does, then quietly gesture toward the fat person nearby.
2. Are you near an ocean or pond? If so, you
may be able to lay blame on the body of water, and any natural bacteria it produces, as they are known to create powerful stenches.
3. Can you replicate the sound? If a situation
arises where the smell quotient is low, but the sound rate is high, it is possible to recreate the sound in another way. However, if accusations should persist, try saying “I swear, dude. It wasn’t me. I would say if it were me, you know that.”
Step 4: Deploy the Test Fart
As in most matters, if you can test something before releasing it, you will obtain better results. The Public Fart is no exception:
1. If seated or leaning against a wall, push one butt cheek against the surface, while raising the other slightly. This opens up your anus, so that a fart may pass through silently.
2. Once the test fart has been released, analyze the stench to decide whether or not it has reached an unsafe level (refer to chart on slide 1).
Step 5: Full Deployment of Fart
If the fart passes the test phase, the time has come to deploy the fart in full:
1. Push with as little force as necessary to pass the fart through your butthole.
2. Once passed, if you’re able to walk around, and it’s appropriate to the surroundings, do so immediately. Attempt to make eye contact with those you pass, as an inability to make eye contact is always a sure sign that you’ve either recently farted, or recently murdered someone.
Step 6: Assessment of Reaction
It’s important at this point to not completely disavow ownership of the fart, as doing so could leave you completely unprepared for reactions. Follow these steps to ensure that you will escape free from blame:
Watch the reactions of others. Are they making stink faces? Is someone giggling? Is anyone making an expression that reminds you of Keanu Reeves during a tense scene in one of his films?
If there are no noticeable reactions, then you have successfully farted in a public place! Congratulations! Well done! You may now continue with your normal night as planned, or repeat this process, if necessary.