MOM by gyvwpsjkko


									     Marriage and Family:
The Blessings of Faithfulness and
      the Pains of Betrayal

            27 April 2010
          Outline of Presentation
   Objectives
   Lest We Forget
   Multiple and Concurrent Sexual Partnerships
   Biblical Mandate for Marriage and Family
   Faithfulness: Blessings and Responsibilities
   Betrayal and the Pains thereof
   Case Studies
   Way Forward
   Conclusion
 Participants will reflect on and adopt effective ways
 and means of:

   Encouraging faithfulness within marriage

   Encouraging positive and responsible sexuality

   Respecting/upholding the rights of women & children

   Reducing MCP within their communities

   Preventing the transmission of HIV

   Enhancing the Church’s response to HIV and AIDS
                  Lest We Forget
   God makes it very clear that the relationship
    between Him and humans is a two-way affair.
   We are called to faithfulness to Him and to each
    other by keeping of His commandments.
   God on His part grants us access to Him through the
    finished work of Christ on the Cross.
   The Holy Spirit is our Enabler, giving us the means
    to be faithful.
                    Perils of MCP
 Mathematical modeling has demonstrated that HIV
 will spread more rapidly in populations where long-
 term MCP are common.

 Moreover, modeling suggests that even small
 reductions in the amount of concurrent sexual
 partnerships could have a large impact on reducing
 HIV transmission.
 [AIDSTAR-One, ‘Secret Lovers Kill’, Case Study Series, Sept 2009]
 Three God-ordained Institutions for the
          Ordering of Society

 The Family

                The Church

                               The State

      The Significance of a Home
 The Home – 1st Institution created by God (Adam & Eve)

 The Home – 1st Miracle performed by Jesus was at a
 wedding, in a home, in The Cana of Galilee (John 2:1-11)

 The Home – Foundation for ‘husband-wife’ relationship

 The Home – Primary institution for training and
 development of values, character, and faithfulness

   See Deuteronomy 6:4-9!
If any term catches the essence of mankind's character at the end of the age, it is "faithlessness." Man is generally faithless to any standard that can b

                              Marriage: Biblical Mandate

      Similarity and difference are both seen in the Hebrew
         words for man and woman.

      English words: man & woman; and male & female.

      Marriage is God’s idea! See Manual (Genesis 2:18-25)
 If any term catches the essence of mankind's character at
  the end of the age, it is "faithlessness."

 Man seems to have a ‘faithless-tropism’! In II Tim. 3:1-5,
  St. Paul describes the spirit of people at the end of the age

 Faithfulness, though, is about commitment. It hinges
  upon what we value as important.

 We have a powerful tendency to be faithful to what we
 think is truly important, be it a family name,
 friendship, employer, school, soccer team!

 Does not marriage require a similar faithfulness
 from each spouse? Without it, is it any wonder that
 there is so much adultery and divorce all around us?

               Defining Faithfulness
 It means "good faith, faithfulness, sincerity"; being faithful,
  sincere"; and "all good fidelity"

 The Hebrew word for "faithfulness" is emunah, which
  Strong's says literally means "firmness," figuratively means
  "security" and morally means "fidelity”.

 Webster's New World Dictionary: Faithful is "maintaining
  allegiance; constant; loyal; marked by a strong sense of duty
  or responsibility; conscientious; accurate; reliable; exact”.
   Faithfulness – Our Responsibility
 God calls upon the church to succeed where Israel failed

 Yet currently the Church of God is badly divided and so
 widely scattered that it can almost be called shattered.

 Faith in God corresponds to God's faithfulness. God's
 faithfulness should awaken faith in us, so we can respond
 in submissive obedience.

 If He is worth trusting, we should trust Him fully.
     ROPES – Journey in Faithfulness
 Paving the way towards blessings
 Rites Of Passage Experiences (ROPES)

   Programme of All Saints Cathedral, Nairobi (K).

   Christian alternative to the traditional ‘rites of passage’

   9-Month curriculum targets 13 Year-olds (girls & boys)

   Graduation Ceremony attended by the parents, church

    leaders, political and community leaders!

          Blessings of Faithfulness
 Individual Level

 Contentment in marriage and in life

 Friendship is enhanced through faithfulness

 Forward movement: holistic growth of each spouse

 Faithfulness in marriage enhances ‘couple power’

 Fellowship with spouse as equal partner, devoid of
 gender biases and related encumbrances.
           Blessings of faithfulness...
 Family and Societal Levels

   Conducive environment is set for parenting

   Faithfulness enhances commitment, which in turn,
    enhances fulfilled lives and productivity – at home/society

   Faithfulness inspires other couples planning to get
    married, and gives hope to marriages that are hurting.

   Faithfulness builds trust in the institution of marriage.
   Note: “The ruin of a nation begins in the homes of its people”
    (Ghanaian proverb)                                               15
           Betrayal – The pathway
   Betrayal is an initial silent path...

   Familiarity with each other a possible cause of betrayal

   Then , a subtle, progressive "emotional infidelity"
       A partner progressively engages in an intimate (non-
        sexual) friendship with another person. This will lead
        to growing dissatisfaction with his/her partner.

   Then it may end in a sexual infidelity and betrayal.
 Betrayal undermines Three basic human needs
 which are at the core of our individual being:

   Security – need to be loved

   Significance – need to make an impact in society

   Self-worth – need to be valued

 All are compromised, even destroyed by betrayal!

                          hate
 Betrayal is the         desire to revenge
 opposite force to        mistrust
                          defensiveness
                          hostility
 Betrayal generates
                          adversarial spirit
 many destructive
 emotions such as        rivalry
                          loneliness
                          powerlessness!
            Consequences of Betrayal
 Impact on the Children
    E.g. The Medical Student that I met on April 16

   o Tears, Tension, Torment! Pain; Lack of peace!

   o Yet she is thankful to God, for His grace & provisions!

 Effects on the Wider Family

 List the effects at Congregation level...!

 List the effects at the Wider Societal level...!

             Dealing with Betrayal
 What we need to work through

   Reality: - Research findings on MCP; Follow up?

   Responses: – By and through Churches, Government,
    Human Rights Bodies, Community Leaders, Youth

   Resources: – Body of Christ, the Word, The H/Spirit

   Results: – Individual, Family, Community, Nation

   Unfulfilled sexuality & multiple sexual partners
    are at the root of most generalized HIV epidemics.

   Behaviour change for adults is possible, though hard!

   So, begin with behaviour formation - mould children
    towards a deeper understanding of the beauty of
    sexuality - develop knowledge, right attitudes,
    skills, and power to fully appreciate their sexuality.
  Helping Spouses Deal with Betrayal
1. Facing Own Feelings

   Do not ignore feelings. Feeling angry is normal. Write down

    your thoughts and feelings in a private journal. Seek
    professional counseling.

2. Take Care of One-self

   Encourage eating of healthy meals, drinking water

    throughout the day, exercise in the fresh air. Get regular sleep.
    Laughter is medicine to the bones.
  Helping spouses Deal with Betrayal
3. Communication is Key!

   Communicate! Express feelings. Verbalize thoughts and

    feelings. Don't hold anything back. Get it all out.

4. Don’t be Mistrustful of Everyone

   It is natural to be wary and cautious, but one should try

    not to push others away from oneself. Just because one
    person violated your trust, it doesn't mean others will.

            Dealing with Betrayal...
5. Trust Yourself
   It is important that you not lose confidence in yourself
    or in your decisions.

6. Make a Decision
   If you've decided to work on your marriage, then you will
    need to make a decision to trust again. Work on
    building mutual trust. Marriage can't be sustained if
    there is no trust between husband and wife.
                Dealing with Betrayal...
7.    Let Go off the Anger
      This isn't easy, but carrying anger and hostility in the heart is

       physically and emotionally draining. Deciding to hold a grudge,
       truly hurts the one habouring such a feeling than it hurts the
       other spouse.

8. Dent get into a self-blaming game

      Be honest in asking yourself questions about what you possibly

       could have done differently. However, don't get into a self-
       blaming game.
             Dealing with Betrayal...
9. Grieve

   Recognize that it is ok, even necessary, to go through the

    process of grief over the loss of trust and the sense of being
    betrayed. Mourning these losses will help you bring closure to
    this painful time in your life.

10. Forgive
   Be willing to let go of the bad feelings, and to start a clean,

    new sheet in your relationship. We know that just as Jesus has
    forgiven us, so we too must forgive each other.
     Sticking Together – What it Takes (1)
1.    FORGIVENESS: If we do not forgive others, God will not
      forgive us our trespasses (Matthew 6:14-15)!

2.    FIREPROOF Your Marriage! Do whatever it takes to keep
      away marriage breakers!

3.    FAITH: “It is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence
      of things not seen”! “Without faith, it is impossible to please
      God” (Hebrews 11:1, 6).

                Sticking Together...
4.   FAITHFULNESS: It is required of stewards that they are
     found faithful. As spouses, we „steward‟ each other.

5.   FIDELITY: This is one way to keep trust alive.

6.   FATHERHOOD: Just as our heavenly father loves us, so we
     ought to love our spouses and children.

7.   FRIENDSHIP: Is your spouse your closest friend?

     Sticking Together What it takes (2)
1.   COVENANT: Biblical Marriage is A COVENANT, not

2.   COMITMENT: We need to commit to working on
     improving our marriages. Success in marriage = hard work!

3.   CHILDREN: They are a gift from God. Bring them up in the
     fear and admonition of the Lord (Proverbs 22:6).

                   Sticking Together
4. COHESION: Families are building blocks of society.
     Strong and stable families will produce strong and stable
     societies. The converse is also true!

5.   CHARACTER: Allow Christ to be formed in us. Mirror
     Him to others.

6. COMPLEMENT each other! Do not compete! (Gen 2:18).

7.   CHERISH each other! A a pathway to mutual happiness.

   Apply the Five Love Languages
 Love Language #1: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

 Love Language #2: QUALITY TIME

 Love Language #3: RECEIVING GIFTS

 Love Language #4: ACTS OF SERVICE

 Love Language #5: PHYSICAL TOUCH

 [Source: Gary Chapman,]
        Two Case Studies

 Family Jonathan Edwards

 Family Max Jukes

[*Tim & Bev LaHaye, The Christian Family, 1978:20]

         The Family of Max Jukes
       1026 Descendants studied
       300 “Premature” deaths
       100 Sent to prison – 13 years each
       190 Became public prostitutes
       100 Became drunkards and Alcoholics
       336 Not much reported about them
 Altogether, The family cost the New York State six
      (6) million US Dollars!
  The Family of Jonathan Edwards
   729 Descendants studied
   300 Became Preachers of the Gospel
   65 College Professors
   13 University Presidents
   60 Authors of ‘good’ books
   3 U.S. Congressmen
   1 Vice - President of the U.S.A.
   217 – Not much said about them

 No record of any cost to the NY State!   34
   Way Forward: Marriage is for Love!
                 (Richard Strauss)
 Can love be recaptured ... once lost?

 Yes! But, it’ll take human effort and divine enabling

 The Three dimensions of love in marriage:

  1.   Eros

  2.   Philia

  3.   Agape
                    Eros love
 Sexual love

 Need love

 Love that seeks sensual expression

   The lingering touch

   The deep kiss

   Candles and music

 Eros diminishes with time. Hence Philia & Agape!
                   Philia love
 Friendship love

 Companionship love

 Showing concern and care for the other person

   Enjoying each others company

   Reminiscing of past struggles

   Going shopping together

   Sharing breakfast without the morning paper

                    Agape love
 God’s love for us – It’s Love un-limited!

 The highest form of love

 It is self-giving love, no matter what; who!

 Three aspects of Agape Love (Andres Nygren)

  1.   Agape is spontaneous and unmotivated

  2.   Agape is indifferent to value

  3.   Agape is creative
EMOTIONAL                                                 PASSION
                                            Romantic & Sexual love
Affection (Storge)                          encompassing heart, soul,
Friendship (Phileo)                         mind, and body (Eros)‫‏‬

             Christ-like, self-sacrificial love (Agape)
 An ideal marriage is one in which both partners allow
 the Lord to meet their basic personal needs – i.e.
 security, significance, and self-worth - and are free to
 live not for themselves but for the Lord and for each
 other. Until that goal is reached, marriage problems can
 never be fully and finally resolved!

               (Selwyn Hughes, 2005:134)
 AIDSTAR-One, ‘Secret Lovers Kill’, Case Study Series, Sept 2009]

 Garry Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt
  Commitment to Your Mate (Northfield Publishing, Chicago, 2004)

 John Edmund Haggai, Lead On, (Haggai Institute, Atlanta, GA, 1983)

 Selwyn Hughes, Marriage as God Intended (Life Journey, Kingsway
  Communication Ltd, Eastbourne, UK, 1983; Revised Ed. 2005)

 Spiros Zodhiates, in Complete Word Study Dictionary of the New
  Testament, p. 1162.

 Tim & Bev LaHaye, The Christian Family, 1978:20


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