29 by wuxiangyu


									Issue No 29                    Saturday 23rd October 2010                      travisty.co.uk

                                            The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007

  Move over, Miss                 Rob Young:                         Surrey             5
 Advise. our girl hAs             Essex on the                       Sainoko            7
 AlreAdy found love
                                     Beach 6                         Scunthorpe         8

  Elitist Democracy: A Better
     Future or a Return To
                      An Anonymous View On Our Electorate
                       A. Nonymous
                                                                     Enfranchisement does not imply or entail understanding,
Trinitarians know a lot about elitism. As a lowly fresher I have     something tacitly assumed in most Western democracies.
been sucked into the intoxicating hauteur that hangs like a fine     Successive (and embarrassing) attempts by politicians and
mist around the Wren, the Chapel and Great Court. ‘Don’t             others to engage the hoi polloi in serious political debate have
let your identity be defined by your college’, a school friend at    been disingenuous and, therefore, conspicuously unsuccessful.
Sidney told me outside its poky entrance behind Whewell’s.
Hmmm. The other day I walked past a bunch of freshers outside
Christ’s … and shuddered.

‘There’s a marked difference in intelligence,’ a third year told
me on my first night of the difference between Trinity and
those colleges at the other end of the Tomkins table. If such a
severe intellectual disparity exists between students at a single
university (the best in world, apparently), then the differences
in intellectual ability and judiciousness amongst the politically
enfranchised must be shocking. And they are. Loony lefty or
right-wing nuthead, if you can’t distinguish between debt and        Some people just don’t care. Moreover, politicians view a
deficit (or even spell them), if you actually believe that the       politically informed populous as a highly dangerous thing.
coalition is going to ‘cut’ fairly, and if you really think Boris    They take advantage of a dim and docile electorate, free
Johnson is a fluffy teddy bear, and not a shrewd manipulator,        themselves from proper scrutiny and are thus as inefficacious
you really shouldn’t be allowed to get within sight of a ballot      as the stereotype purports them to be, breeding cynicism and
box.                                                                 mistrust. It is a vicious, vicious circle

Historically, in this country, property qualifications constituted   Voting is a privilege, and should be treated as such. Elections
the main restriction of the franchise. This was clearly a bad        should be based on informed decision-making. Elitist
idea – god knows, there are a lot of stupid (and inbred) aristos,    democracy would cut the wheat from the chaff, promote better
but a restriction based on intelligence, or even just political      scrutiny and lead to a better politics.
awareness, whilst not entirely practical, is surely something that
is defensible in principle.

                                                                                                Kindly sponsored by
2 IN BRIef                                                                                            Saturday 23rd October 2010

        >> A college imposter in
       a privileged position has
       been making waves once
       more this term, making this
innappropriate crush belle of the

>>One baby-faced lothario has
been sowing his wild oats far and
wide this term. As if being caught
excercising his digits wasn’t
enough, our Prince Charming went
a few steps further with one blonde

>>A cauldron, a touch of Rus-                                                        Soumaya Keynes
sian magic and a business mind the
Apprentice candidates would be
proud of have come together to
create the shoddiest moonshine
this side of the T   rans-Siberian

        Letter from the Editor
And so, my time has finally come to take control of this much loved publication and I
am absolutely delighted to have had the opportunity to take it on. I’m sure many of you
know who I am but those if you who don’t, do feel free to drop into one of our meetings
of send me an email (je297@cam.ac.uk). We’re always looking for new writers so the
more of you the better!

This last week or so has been really quite hectic in college, not only because of all the
things associated with the new term but all the shenanigans of us Trinitarians! There is
clearly something in the water at the moment and whatever it is, I want some of it.

This edition sees the very welcome return of Soumaya Keynes and her wonderful cartoons
which haven’t graced Travisty’s pages for a while now but are certainly very popular. Rosie
Lintott, both our new Secretary and Home Counties Correspondent is now on board bringing
with her a little slice of Surrey. Our former editor, Chris Deacon is back, this time from Japan
informing you of all the peculiarities which make this country such a fascinating and unique
case study. Back once again is perennial favourite, my wonderful college son Rob Young with
his hilarious look at the sheer unadulterated joy of The Apprentice. This show just gets better
and better/worse and worse. I’m just not quite sure. I won’t bore you with what is effectively
a contents page, but instead suggest you read each and every article.

Enjoy, and I hope to see you all soon folks!

                                                       Jason x
Saturday 23rd October 2010
travisty.co.uk                                                                                                                                  3
                    TCSU: A Guide for Freshers
Vicky Spence
walKINg fIlOfax

So yes, you’ve seen us running around in our cranberry hoodies              The college bar is home to a brand new condom machine for
all week, but what do we actually do other than serve free drinks           anyone who doesn’t want (or hasn’t got time) to ask Josh or
to freshers?                                                                Kate for supplies.
Not that much, if we’re honest. At least, not much you will want            Katie revived the hibernating Access bus and took it on an outing
to read about. (Health and Safety meeting anyone? Budget                    down to Southampton visiting local schools to spread the word
proposals? Yes, that’s how Saulty’s life works.)                            about Trinity and explain that not everyone here is a complete
College ents are certainly the most exciting part of our job,               geek. We have fun too. Speaking of fun, we’ve also been busy
and probably the only part most of you will have anything                   expanding the roles of WOT and MOT this year, making them
to do with. We would like to think that we’ve put on a pretty               a more useful part of college life. That is, making sure MOT
good show for you this freshers’ week. If you disagree, please              actually does something for once. They have been bringing you
do it quietly somewhere you won’t hurt our feelings. It’s not the           ever more frequent parties and brunches full of free food and
end of course; we will be back in action in a few weeks for the             super cheap drinks, and there’s bound to be another on the near
Halloween WPR. A more predictable costume theme perhaps,                    horizon.
but we do love it so.                                                       Other than that, we’ve mainly been carrying on with our
As for what our committee has already achieved this year, we’ve             standard attempts to make sure that college gives you what
seen a huge shakeup in how the WPR is run, with an even bigger              you want from it. Better food? Almost here. Working washing
bar, nice chalk-friendly walls, and some awesome bar stools. It’s           machines? On their way. Bread plates at formal? Already done!
still as hot down there as ever, but we can’t fix everything.

New Kids On The Block
will lawrenson
He’S StIll StaNdINg

I first had an inkling that the Trinity Fresher experience was going to be somewhat different to those of other universities when I had to buy
a ticket to a ‘hog roast’ (insert generic ‘spit roast’ joke here) from someone in a palatial sixteenth-century set roughly the size of Peterhouse. I
had heard tales from friends at Manchester and Bristol of slaggy blondes, beer bongs, ‘digital stimulation’ of aforementioned slaggy blondes
behind bike sheds, and raucous lad banter about something called ‘clunge’. It was almost (read: not at all) upsetting to think that I would be
deprived of a typical, albeit exceptionally disgusting, Freshers’ Week. What I have found, however, is that the ‘Cambridge experience’ follows
essentially the same structure as ever other Freshers’ Week, only with a few subtle differences.

For instance, the wine-fuelled Freshers who participate in a kissing frenzy (Oral orgy?) of Bacchic proportions one night will be sipping port
with the Astronomer Royal (such a babe) and discussing Kantian ethics in Balinese the next. That rugby lad you saw down 8 pints of lager
and 2 pints of his own vomit in fifteen minutes may well have spent his day solving polynomial equations and practising the ‘cello (unless
he’s at St. John’s, in which case he probably does Land Economy and can barely tie his own shoelaces). That drug-addled, topless maniac
daubed with war-paint at the Wild West ent who threw up on your shoes is actually a postgraduate student with a passion for collecting
fertility vases of the Ndebele tribe and growing orchids. So in short, Cambridge, and Trinity in particular, is full of essentially normal people
(Trinity mathmos aside – sorry guys) who merely happen to be blessed with exceptional talent.

Anyway, I’ve got to go – I need to write an essay on the significance of the Tale of Heike in relation to the Genpei War before doing a few shots
of sambuca through my eye, passing out on Trinity Street wearing only a metaphorical shroud of dignity, increasingly shredded.
4 featuReS                                                                                                                Saturday 23rd October 2010

What’s Hot                                   Sorry, I’m Taken
>> Blue Boar C & e
 With D flooding/collapsing/a disaster
zone, Blue Boar C & E are the ultimate       Notes from an attached fresher...
in smug addresses.

>> The BBC
Who needs academic work when you can         The wonder of being a fresher! Boys, bops, orgies… school uniform parties (apparently thigh-high skirts and
concentrate on Spooks, QI, new Have          heels are standard at schools these days)…the magic/unholy necromancy of Cindy’s…preliminary sweeps of
I Got News for You, re-runs of Doctor        Newnham by the boys…a sponsored, approved, alcohol-fuelled fest. Released from the shark tank of female single-
Who and all that stuff about medieval        sex education, it is now the time to bond with the unknown world of testosterone, beer and truelad.com.
churches? They call it time-wasting, I
call it intertextualisation                  Except I have a boyfriend. The stigma! The huge limitation of possibilities and fancy dress! The awkward moment
                                             where you have to start dancing as violently as possible to fend off unwanted (rapey?) attention! When I saw my
                                             friends going to university paired up, I thought they must be crazy. The only preparation my beloved and I made
                                             was my reluctant concession to change my relationship status from ‘Married’ (to my best, and female, friend), to ‘In
                                             a Relationship’, with him, so ‘people at university would know he actually had a girlfriend’. Fuss, fuss.

>> The Bar
Do shots with the bar staff and you may
find that the bar is now open for supper.
Good times for those of us who don’t like

>> Career Talks
 Am excuse to get through pints of beer
and wine as well as a plethora of free
samples simply by pretedning to want a       So how has it been? Thus far, fairly uncomplicated. And luckily, through the age-old, honourable investigative
career in Molecular Biology.                 method of Facebook stalking, I’ve found his flatmates aren’t overly attractive - so that’s okay. There’s just the vague
                                             worry that if – when? – a wonderfully attractive lord arrives on a silver bicycle, offering to sweep me away from
>> lara sTone                                Cindy’s to the heady heights of Soultree’s upper rooms, I won’t be able to accept. In a college that is seventy per cent
Marrying a gay-stright funnyman,             male and one hundred per cent good prospects, it’s difficult to believe I’m sticking with a boy who still tries to teach
excelling as a model and becoming a          me how to skateboard and is only just beginning to appreciate tea.
fashion icon is making the entire Travisty
team wish they were Belgian.                 Yet even though Cambridge has thousands of new things and people to see and…do?, I believe it is possible – and
                                             indeed necessary – to keep links to other people and other places too. Otherwise how will you scab money off your
>>TCsu enTs                                  parents, or visit friends to go to clubs that aren’t Cindy’s? It is hard to combine work, extra-curricular activities
No, I dont remember them either. This        and drinking with time to Skype, text, and tell one another how much you love/miss them in as non-sickly phrases
must be a good sign. More to come at         as possible. However, much more positively, it is nice to have someone who’ll visit you (as if you have time to go to
Hallowe’en. Rejoice!                         them!), who isn’t part of the exceedingly fertile Trinity grapevine, and most of all, knew you before you became the
                                             cool university kid you are now. Grounding is important, people. So to all those non-single people out there: please
                                             don’t put your hands up, stay away from the leotards, but above all remember that if it’s meant to work out then it
                                             will. And if not, there will always be someone more handsome, rich, or Nobel prize-eligible to take their place.
Saturday 23rd October 2010
travisty.co.uk                                                                                   featuReS 5
   Somewhere Over What’s Not
    The Rainbow?                                                                              >> s&M
                                                                                              Prince Saud bin Abdulaziz bin Nasir
rosie lintott                                                                                 al Saud admits causing the death
HOme cOuNtIeS cORReSpONdaNt
                                                the story that, when he was playing           of his manservant after beating and
                                                university rugby, the blindside flanker was   strangling with an alleged “sexual
Anyone who’s seen Another Country, the          gay and took a starred first. The frequency   element.” I had my suspicions that
1984 film of the Julian Mitchell play, will     with which this story is told has increased   Secretary wasn’t telling the whole
admit that the gay characters are better        since I matriculated, as if Daddy is trying
                                                to say “I know you have an awful lot of
looking, better dressed and generally
more interesting than their rugger-             gay friends, but some of them are pretty
playing classmates. The fact that the über-     decent.”                                      >>Being a finalisT
gay protagonist Guy Bennett is based on                   There are plenty of names for       The UL extends borrowing rights to
the Cambridge spy Guy Burgess, and is           girls like me. Sadly, none of them is         first and second year students. The
played by an exquisite twenty-something         particularly nice. But having recently read
                                                a cutting-edge piece in Grazia (“Other
                                                                                              Recall button has never seemed so
Rupert Everett, only increases his appeal.
I never like cricket so much as when I’m        women hate me because I’m gorgeous,”          friendly.
watching this film. In fact, I hate cricket     or, “I must be gorgeous because other
unless I’m watching this film (a bad thing      women hate me,” or something like that)       >> sainsBury’s BasiCs
for a Surrey girl to admit).                    I realised that “fag hag” sounds mildly       ChoColaTe
My parents find this all rather odd. They are   better than “slag.”
                                                          The gay stereotype, though
                                                                                              A victim of renewed financial austerity?
not opposed to homosexuality – they’re
actually quite liberal, for them. They          exaggerated, is honestly pretty funny:        Or a mix-up with the price tags?
just believe strongly in representation         Sassy Gay Friend was my Part I
by the company one keeps. Many of my            Shakespeare revision (which goes some
conversations with my mother go a little        way to explaining my Part I Shakespeare
like this:                                      mark). The image of mincing and back-
M: Who was that on the phone?                   chatting is on par with the idea that all
R: Oh, just X.                                  Japanese people mix their Rs and Ls, that
M: And is he..?
R: He’s gay.
She doesn’t mean to be backwards or
spiteful, but I can tell that she worries
that I will never get married. We have
some remarkably Dutch neighbours who,                                                         >> individual PorTering
after asking my older sister all about her                                                    I’m all for a bit of conservation work,
boyfriend, turned to me and said “Do                                                          but Burrell’s on a Saturday night
you have a boyfriend, or girlfriend?” It                                                      might not be the ideal time to explore
was sweet of them to ask, but we’d cleared      all Frenchmen wear stripes or that all
                                                Glaswegians are obese. As Guy Bennett’s
                                                                                              the *ahem* bushes.
up the lesbian suspicion years ago, when
Mummy sent the older sister to find             mother says in the car on the way to her
out. I said, no, to which she replied “Ok,      wedding, “I’ve known some of those, and       >> drunken sign-uPs
because Mummy was wondering.”                   they’re never terribly happy. They’re very    Ahh yes, the drunken reverly of
           My father, on the other hand,        amusing.” We still, unfairly, expect that     freshers’ formal followed by the
is more amused than concerned. He               homosexual men should be relentlessly         mish-mash of Chaplain’s Squash...
still uses risqué seventies phrases like        bitchy and entertaining. But I don’t think
“wuffter,” “shirt-lifter” and his favourite,    that the committee of 1TQ is really a         Oh the memories... But hang on,
“pillow-biter,” but likes to regale us with     secret spy ring.                              who are all these emails from? I’m
                                                                                              not transgendered and I’m certainly
The Travisty Committee                          This Issue’s Contributors                     not interested in women’s basketball.
Editor.....................Jason Ehrhart        Alex Sault              Vicky Spence          Blackout.
Deputy Editor.............Ben Weisz             Jenni Heeks             Rosie Lintott
Webmaster.......................Bo Tian         Chris Deacon            Ben Weisz
                                                Will Lawrenson          Soumaya Keynes
Secretary..................Rosie Lintott
                                                Rob Young               Freya Berry
Overseas Editor.....Chris Deacon
6         cOmmeNt
                                                                                                             Saturday 23rd October 2010

Rob young
             What I’ve Been Watching...
SellS SweetS aNd eggS
                                                                     little pig face up, Stuart likes to crunch imaginary numbers into
                                                                     his imaginary calculator and raise his eyebrows like The Rock’s
‘Everything I touch turns to sold.’ – Stuart Baggs, October          slower, more rotund cousin. He is so awful that during next
2010                                                                 week’s task of making beach accessories (it will have aired by
 No, King Midas hasn’t got caught up in some wheelin’ and            the time you read this) his team mates should build him a raft,
dealin’, but the bloody Apprentice is back. For those of you         paint a face on a volleyball and push him across the Atlantic
who prefer your Reality TV with a bit of business acumen...          with it.
Wait. Let me rephrase. For those of you that are still trying to     Venom aside, there are some good’uns. Ludicrously named
pretend that The Apprentice isn’t just The X Factor with more        Raleigh Addington was the star of the first show, primarily
power dressing and fewer malaria outbreaks, a new batch of           because he said nothing until an incongruous boardroom rant
doofuses have just been beamed to your telly box from the            where he shook a lot, looked like he was about to burst into tears,
planet Thanksfortheopportunity for your viewing delight. The         and shouted ‘IT WAS SHAMEFUL!’, like a Shakespearean
above quote is an unfortunately frequent example of how low          ghost. Reports that he then shook his gory locks at the nearest
the Pinstripe Parade are willing to sink to get an unspecified job   Scottish king are unfounded.
(probably feeding the now-absent Margaret) with the galactic
emperor formally known as S’Ralan, currently known as Lord
Sugar of Clapton.
As every up and coming business person knows, you don’t get
anywhere in this world unless you know how to make and sell
sausages. So, the freshly trouser pressed boys and girls were
split into teams for the challenge and forced to shove phallic
foodstuffs in people’s faces until they bought some. Feisty pixie
Melissa Cohen nearly got off to a horrendous start when she          Also started last week was ITV2’s The Only Way Is Essex,
thought she was selling ‘sauce-ARGES’ instead of the more            which can only be described as a dramatic opera cum love letter
commonly accepted ‘sausage’, and luckily she didn’t embarrass        to my home county and towns of Buckhurst Hill, Loughton
herself later in front of Lord Sucre in the Salle du Conseil.        and Chigwell. We call it ‘The ‘Oly Trini’y’, and so will you
It may be very difficult to tell from the first episode who          soon enough. Having not seen the show at the time of press,
is going to be a potential winner of the show, but it’s far too      I can only assume that it will be full of fake tan, blonde hair
easy to tell who the idiots are. Eliminated Dan Harris spent         extensions and white Mini Coopers for the girls, and slicked
his time swearing at his team mates and putting his feet up on       back hair, polo shirts and Top Golf for the boys. Expect drinks
Lord Sugar’s table, but was beaten on the scale of one to fool       at Nu Bar followed by clubbing at Faces, with cameos from
of a took by Pugsley Addams with sideburns, or Stuart Baggs.         Jermaine Defoe, Jack Tweed, and hopefully Dick Turpin, the
When he’s not raping people until they buy meat or puffing his       greatest Essex boy of all.

                               Welcome to Trinity!
Jason ehrhart
SOcIal ButteRfly                                                     we’d already formed a steadfast opinion of before we’ve even
                                                                     met many of them. Actually, sometimes an introduction is not
Freshers week over, now is the time to sit back and reflect upon     even necessary - nay inconvenient - as it may involve a change in
the triumph and new found adoration for some of the freshers,        opinion that my brain currently is too busy to process.
whilst finding humour in the failings of others. A mere 5 minute      That said, meeting new people in person is somewhat a
conversation can overcome the previous dislike harboured for         necessity for Trinity students with TCSU ever present with a
some based on bile-tinged anecdotes from a friend or equally         spit-roast here, a wine induced social there and the constant
destroy the superficial fondness towards another based on            need for social interaction. These first few weeks at Trinity has
(in my case) one’s level of attractiveness or ability to carry off   seen winners and losers in the social stakes with freshers jostling
tweed. It is a rite of passage for Second and Third years (as for    for position like menopausal women fighting over Mulberry
many of the keen newbies) to enact a ‘casual’ Facebook stalk         bags the in Harvey Nichols sale. Based on three years of Fresher
through the freshers’ groups, taking note of the schooling,          Week research, I have compiled a shortlist of the of necessary
mutual friends and the fitness level of all the fresh meat soon      things to do (or not to do) in order to make an excellent first
to be incarcerated within these great walls. That old axiom that     impression as a fresher
states that first impressions are made within the first 15 seconds   •	       Do look stylish at all times, which means standardly
of meeting is never less true than for the freshers, many of whom    wear decent clothes all week; if you’re a man, tweed is a
                                                                                                                cOmmeNt 7
Saturday 23rd October 2010

winner; if you’re female, DO NOT start off by wearing Ugg                             the Bar reception, Tutor meetings, college family meetings or
Boots.                                                                                WPR/Burrells Ents. Time is too precious at this point not to be
•	        Do	quickly	assess	those	around	you	to	ensure	that	the	                      bothering to be seen to make an effort with others.
company you keep is of acceptable and equal standard of your                          •	       Do get Facebook. Who doesn’t have Facebook?
own. Sitting in hall in awkward silence with the people who live                      It may come to ruin your degree, but right now that isn’t
next door to you for the next three years is going to get very                        something that needs to be of concern. No Facebook means
painful, very quickly.                                                                there may be ‘something of the night’ about you. Also,
•	        Put effort into your fancy dress. You’ll be seeing it                       carefully select your initial Uni profile picture as this is how
these pictures for the next 3 years after all.                                        you will be judged from the off.
•	        Unequivocally	do	not	get	in	a	relationship	in	the	first	
few weeks: you risk ostracising yourself from others and will                         Jokes aside, the most important thing to remember in your first
probably be resented by the rest of your year group.                                  term is that you must invest your time wisely, it’s highly likley
•	        Do not put yourself in social situations that are for                       you’ll meet some of your best friends here and a little effort is
the more socially adept whilst not being receptive enough                             always appreciated!
to notice that people find your presence awkward at best .
•	        Do	 turn	 up	 for	 communal	 college	 activities	 such	 as	

       Lessons From The Land of The
chris deacon
a.w.O.l.        Rising Sun
 Herro Trinity! I may be on the other side of the world and Miss Advise may
 be dead (what will you all do without her?!) but as long as I have a laptop
 and the internet, Travisty will never get rid of me. So, given my location for
 this year, I thought it fitting that I should write for you all a little about the
 wonderful country that is Japan.

 This week: Fashion

 Fashion in Japan, as with most things in this country, is bloody weird. The
 sheer wealth (I use this term loosely) of style in this country makes it seem
 as if everyone is Gok Wan. And that’s not just because he’s Asian and I
 find it hard to tell them all apart. Even in Kyoto, the sleepy city where I’m         PETA does Japan - epic fail
 currently residing, one can see young men and women making utter tits out
 of themselves in the name of “fashion”.                                               Japanese fashion habits do result in an amusing game sometimes, though:
 The latest craze for guys seems to be leggings. By this, I don’t mean ‘jeggings’      guess the gender. This is a game which can keep me occupied for hours. Boys
 or ‘treggings’ or any other horrific bastardisation of that word, but actual          who look like girls who look like boys - or something like that. This confusion
 leggings. During the final throes of summer I constantly saw these being worn         can be hard for us foreigners, and, in an extreme example, resulted in one
 underneath shorts. That’s right, leggings underneath shorts. Indeed, one guy          teacher at my university announcing in front of 300 exchange students “by
 I saw outside the “International Centre” (where they put the foreigners so we         the way, I’m a woman” - I shit you not. She did it again when we had her
 don’t get in the pure-blood Japanese people’s way) was wearing (F)Uggs,               for a lesson. In all honesty, she is butcher than an East German shot putter
 leggings, shorts and a shirt and blazer on the top. I said at that moment             circa 1980 and wearing a lumberjack shirt so perhaps it was good that she
 what I’ve said many times in my few weeks in this country: What the fuck,             cleared it up.
 Japan?!                                                                               Despite this, it’s kind of cool that every day is like ‘dress up day’ in Japan.
 Girls seemingly have a craze at the moment too. Weirdly enough, despite               Who am I to tell people that maybe they shouldn’t go to the party costume
 hundred degree heat in the summer not being uncommon, this is fur. Or                 shop to buy their casual clothes? What’s more, I have been known to be a bit
 more accurately, wearing an animal somewhere inappropriate. I can’t count             of a fan of androgyny. But my sexual perversion aside, it’s nice to see men
 the number of times I’ve seen a girl wearing ear muffs which look more like           and women not feel too constrained by their gender.
 she’s picked two hamsters up and taped them to her ears. IT’S NOT EVEN                So what have we learned today Trinity? Truth be told, I don’t know myself,
 COLD! Some of them go so overboard it just looks like a bear is wondering             but if anyone wants a post class review session, you know where to find me.
 around the city. A bear with slitty eyes (I’m very much aware this piece is
 becoming too much like Glee and will stop with the casual racism now).                Sayonara for now!
8 muSIc                                                                                                                  Saturday 23rd October 2010

            Tinie’s My Only Weisz
Ben weisz
tHe eaRS Of tRINIty

tinie tempah

He “came up out the dirt like a vegetable.” Fact. Well, at least according
to the frenetically-cheesy, dubiously Scooter-esque opener Intro. Tinie
Tempah has come a long way since being plucked ripe from the soil of
the London grime scene by the green fingers at Parlophone. Four huge
summer anthems later, his album is a striking debut.
It’s certainly full of witty biographical insight (‘Yeh, simples. I’m
a fine boy – no pimples’ and ‘I like the taste of alcohol; I got wine
gums’ being two favourites from the masterclass in shameless rhyme-
chasing that is second track Simply Unstoppable.) Seriously, though,
an album this lyrically diabolical ought to evoke loathing, rejection
and even a little light genuflection to purify oneself after listening. But
it doesn’t.                                                                   written so much for Tinie, he finally gets behind the mic on deliciously
Disc-Overy is like a musical microcosm of a night out at Cindies.             debauched Frisky. This softer, darker number captures perfectly that
It’s hilarious, occasionally embarrassing, and above all ridiculously         moment when the lecherous rugby LAD from John’s leans over your
danceable. And while the lyrics might be lacking, the music is nearly         cleavage and attempts to grind whilst spilling all seven of his VKs
always bang on form.                                                          everywaaah, thinking all the while that commending your choice of
Ubiquitous Pass Out is as ‘Ballare’ as it gets. Unless you’ve just got        conditioner will make up for matters.
back from your gap yah, you’ll already be familiar with its barrage           With albums like this, produced by an entire cirkus of collaborators,
of classic lines – it gains extra credit for the only known reference         it’s difficult to know to whom the credit is due. Miami 2 Ibiza is huge,
to Scunthorpe in musical history. ‘Sunny Scunneh’ has never been              both for its stratospheric synth line and for referencing Fifa. However,
prouder. Once you’ve squelched your way over the VK-stained dance             you can’t help but wonder whether Tinie could have pulled it off
floor of a rap, you get onto the solid ground by the DJ booth for the         without the Swedish House Mafia.
now legendary dubstep break and you’re away.                                  You can’t help but feel that Kelly Rowland has been used
The lads from the Mahal will be clutching their breasts and wailing           unimaginatively, her cameo on Invincible reducing her to a pleasantly
along to heartfelt belter Just A Little. Whether they can even approach       vacuous Eurovision entry rather than the belting diva we know and
the occasionally-cheesy soulfulness of guest star Range is another            love. Thankfully, the same can’t be said for Ellie Goulding, whose
matter. Recent number one single Written In The Stars is a stormily           idiosyncratically charming warble flirts innocently with Tinie’s
powerful anthem of epic proportions that will turn the heads of even          swagger on modestly-titled Wonderman.
those too up-themselves to enjoy the rest of the album ironically.            It’s easy to be snooty when dealing with Tinie Tempah, but to do so
Nobody is perfect, not even someone whose wardrobe overspills into            would be to miss the point. Yes, his lyrics are vacuous bordering on
their aunt’s house. Snap is tedious, Illusion not so much flummoxing          inane, but they mask a powerfully rhythmic delivery and cheeky
as forgettable. An over-eager delivery on ‘Obsession’ leaves you              personality which shine through the cracks. Musically, bar one or two
wondering what “a Nub-Session” would involve. Given the way that              bum notes, this is a huge success, thanks to formidable production,
most of the album reads like an unashamedly horny teenager’s wet              sophisticated grimey undertones and crowd-pleasing danceability.
dream, you’d imagine it involves a delve into Tinie’s famous CK               This striking debut will leave you in the club but never walk you
briefs.                                                                       home.
Someone who deserves a place at the table of ‘next big things in
British music’ is jack-of-all-trades Labyrinth. Having produced and

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