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22 • Spring 2005 www.capdhhe.org
Apologies “All I Want is for Him to Apologize to Me!”
By Marsha L. Wagner, Columbia University
eople who have been hurt or humiliated often remarks about Judge Ito. My remarks were totally
P hope for an apology. They may hope that an
apology from the offender will restore trust, dignity,
wrong and inappropriate. I know better. What I did
was a poor attempt at humor. I am deeply sorry for
and, perhaps, a sense of justice. A thoughtful apolo- the pain that I have caused Judge Ito and others. I
gy is a powerful means of indicating self-awareness offer my sincere apologies.” (The New York Times, April
and of showing respect for the person who was 7, 1995, p. A1)
offended. But a facile and unreflective “I’m sorry”
It is instructive to compare the two statements of
may exacerbate the situation and be perceived as
regret. The first was a casual statement released to
rubbing salt in the wound. A successful apology
the press by the Senator’s office, stating his regret if
achieves closure; an apology that backfires escalates
he offended anyone, followed by a reiteration of his
a conflict.
criticism of the judge. The Senator personally read
The ombuds may help the offended party consider the second statement, in a low, nervous voice, into
what it means to want an apology, e.g., as a step the public record of the U.S. Senate. The full apology
toward reconciliation; as a confirmation that the 1) acknowledged what he did, 2) stated that it was
other party was to blame; as an assurance that repe- wrong and that he knew better, 3) recognized his
tition of the offence will be avoided; or as a humilia- responsibility to avoid ethnic stereotypes, 4) recog-
tion to the alleged offender. A public apology may nized that people had been hurt, and 5) apologized
help restore the reputation of the person who was for having caused pain. All six of these ingredients,
hurt; a private apology may open a path toward dis- except the facile words “I’m sorry,” were missing from
cussion, improved mutual understanding, and inter- the first poor attempt at an “apology.”
personal trust. Apologies can take many different
In order for an apology to be received as complete
forms, and it is part of the role of the ombuds to
and sincere, it may need to include the following ele-
help the parties identify their underlying interests in
ments:
the process of facilitating either one-way or recipro-
cal apologies. A specific statement of what was done. It is impor-
tant to clarify the exact nature of the offence, both
The following public snafu provides an excellent
for the accountability of the offender and also to
example of an apology that plunged the perceived
avoid misunderstandings. The need for an apology
offender deeper into the political mire:
usually occurs when two individuals or groups do
On April 4, 1995, New York Senator Alfonse M. not share the same perspective — or when inadver-
D’Amato, on Don Imus’ radio talk show, used an tently or intentionally — they did not do so at the
exaggeratedly heavy accent associated with Japanese time of the hurtful event. The first step is to seek
movie stereotypes of the 1940’s to mock Japanese- common understanding of what action or omission
American Judge Lance Ito, who was presiding at the was rude or wrongful. In some situations, a prelimi-
O.J. Simpson trial. Senator D’Amato said, “Judge Ito nary discussion or communication, or shuttle diplo-
loves the limelight. He’s making a disgrace of the macy by a third party — such as the ombuds — can
judicial system,” and he went on to refer to him as help identify and, if necessary, make adjustments to
“Little Judge Ito.” The following day, after consider- the definition of the offence.
able criticism from colleagues, citizens, and the
Recognition of responsibility and accountability on
media, the Senator issued a brief statement that cre-
the part of the one who offended. This admission is
ated more controversy: “If I offended anyone, I’m
perhaps the most important but also the most fre-
sorry. I was making fun of the pomposity of the judge
quently overlooked element of an apology. This is the
and the manner in which he’s dragging the trial out.”
“I-statement,” the recognition by the offending party
Journalists and Asian-American groups objected
that he or she had a choice to act (or speak, or not
even more vehemently to D’Amato’s dismissive and
take action) in that particular way. “I knew better,”
inadequate “apology.”
Senator D’Amato said succinctly. The offender who is
Finally, on April 6, in an attempt to quell the rising a public official, a senior manager, a parent, a
storm of criticism, Senator D’Amato recovered with a teacher, or another role model might also acknowl-
better prepared statement — this time presented in edge how he or she is entrusted with this particular
more formal surroundings: “I’m here on the Senate responsibility. Some offences, of course, are uninten-
floor to give a statement as it relates to that episode. tional; therefore, it may be helpful, if it is true, for the
It was a sorry episode. As an Italian-American, I have offender to explain if there was no way that he or she
a special responsibility to be sensitive to ethnic could have predicted the impact of his or her action
stereotypes. I fully recognize the insensitivity of my (or inaction) on the recipient. But, in any case, most
Continued on Page 23
Association canadienne pour la prévention de la discrimination et du harcèlement en milieu d’enseignement supérieur
www.capdhhe.org Spring 2005 • 23
Continued from Page 22 the other may have decreased the tension. Except in
offended people will appreciate any efforts made by relationships with a history of shared understanding
and deep trust, simply saying “I’m sorry” is rarely suf-
Apologies
the offender to explore how he or she might have
anticipated the outcome — both as an indication of ficient. But an attitude of contrition and a statement
the sincerity of the regret and as an implied sugges- of regret are basic elements of an apology that will
tion of how a recurrence might be avoided. build future trust.
Acknowledgment of the pain or embarrassment An explanation of why the offender acted in this
that the offended party experienced. A non-judg- way. This component is often not the first priority of
mental expression of empathy is a basic step toward the offended party, but it may be very important both
restoring trust. The offender may be able to identify to the offender and also to the future relationship of
with the offended person, e.g., “If someone had mutual respect between the two parties. An explana-
made a joke about my religion, I wouldn’t have tion may be the most risky element to include within
found it funny, either,” or even if the offender would an apology because it can so easily appear as a flip-
have personally reacted differently, he or she might pant excuse; as a defensive justification; or as a reit-
intellectually empathize: “It’s understandable that eration of what was already felt as offensive. Senator
hearing the bad news through the grapevine was D’Amato’s first explanation exacerbated the contro-
upsetting.” The acknowledgment does not necessari- versy and the outrage: “I was making fun of the pom-
ly imply that the recipient’s response is typical, posity of the judge,” but his second presented a
mature, or appropriate. It may be expressed only as point of view that everyone could share: “What I did
a fact: “I now know that receiving a prompt reply is was a poor attempt at humour.” An explanation that
very important to you.” But it undercuts sincerity includes a recognition of the offence; the pain it
when the offender seems to question the recipient’s caused; and/or a clear statement of wrong as per-
claims of hurt or injury (“I’m sorry if anyone was ceived by the offended party, can be a means of
upset...”. And it subverts the purpose of the apology showing more respect for the recipient by making
to dwell on a judgmental “you-statement”: “I’m sorry the apology a more reciprocal process of increased
you’re so impatient,” or, “It’s too bad you have no understanding.
sense of humor.” An apology is not a suitable occa-
Future intentions. These details are often an impor-
sion for self-congratulation on the part of the per-
tant aspect of an apology. In some situations, the
ceived offender with regard to his or her honesty or
apology is requested when no future interaction is
opinions. In Edward Albee’s play, A Delicate Balance,
expected, but even then the offended party is often
Claire says to Agnes, “I apologize that my nature is
relieved to hear if steps have been taken to prevent a
such to bring out in you the full force of your brutali-
recurrence of the offence. When the two parties are
ty,” and Agnes soon responds, “. . . I apologize for
likely to interact in the future, it is helpful to discuss
being articulate.” (New York: Atheneum, 1966, p. 13)
the offender’s intended self-restraint; improved
A judgment about the offence. When the offender behaviour in the future; how the offender would like
agrees that what he or she did was wrong, saying so attention brought to a possible subsequent misun-
is an important part of making amends. The story of derstanding; or other means of preventing recur-
George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, rence. Sometimes the offender will wish to ask the
though perhaps lacking in historical veracity, has had recipient for forgiveness; for an acceptance of the
enduring appeal in United States culture because of apology; or for another chance to gain that individ-
its insistence on the honor of acknowledging one’s ual’s respect. An apology may offer an opportunity
own wrongdoing. Many world religions emphasize not only to restore trust but also to achieve a better
confession. But status differences, cultural patterns, relationship.
and advice of legal counsel may present obstacles to
Finally, it is important not to overlook the means of
formal confirmation of having made mistakes.
communication of the apology. Because the recipi-
Nevertheless, a direct self-judgment (“I was insensi-
ent’s response emphasizes sincerity, any form of
tive.” “What I did was wrong.”) is often a way to
communication that appears offhand or trivializing
establish common ground with the offended party.
may be resented. In contrast, any gesture of serious-
A statement of regret. If the offender has fully taken ness and personal investment will reinforce the gen-
responsibility for how he or she acted wrongly or at uine conviction behind the message. The above ele-
least for having hurt the recipient, a simple state- ments may help the offended person “accept” the
ment of “I’m sorry” sometimes may be sufficient. The apology, move on, and put the offensive incident
impact of an apology on its audience generally behind. An additional aspect of the communication
depends on the context — not on the words them- might also help the offended party have increased
selves. Senator D’Amato’s two statements each con- understanding and respect for the offender.
tained those words, but one created more anger and Continued on Page 24
Canadian Association for the Prevention of Discrimination and Harassment in Higher Education
24 • Spring 2005 www.capdhhe.org
Continued from Page 23 ally misunderstand each other, the offence that is
Apologies When people who have been offended say, “I demand
an apology,” it is helpful to probe which aspects of an
first identified is frequently embedded in a history of
other perceived offences.
apology they are seeking. Compelling an apology is
usually counter-productive, and the suggestion, “just The elements of reciprocal apologies — perhaps
apologize and it will blow over,” is generally mislead- accompanied by explanations and requests for rec-
ing. Anyone considering offering an apology should onciliation or resolution — are the same as those for
consider the potential damaging results of an inade- isolated apologies. But the coordination of a pair or
quate “apology.” Sometimes the relationship is too a series of apologies, between two individuals or
adversarial; the differences are too great; and/or, the among several groups, offers all parties a model of
legal liability too profound for an apology to be peacemaking and enhancing respect for each other
offered or received as sincere. In many situations, a and for resolution of differences.
future apology would be possible, but only after a End Notes
process of conflict resolution — such as mediation 1. A useful discussion of the process of taking
— that involved increased mutual understanding of responsibility for conflicts rather than blaming oth-
both parties’ needs, interests, and emotions. ers is found in Jeffrey Kottler’s Beyond Blame: A New
Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships (San Francisco:
Cultural, gender, and age differences are often fac-
Jossey-Bass, 1994).
tors to consider in requesting an apology. In some
contexts it is highly unlikely that a person in authori- 2. Deborah Tannen, “I’m Sorry, I Won’t Apologize,”
ty would apologize to a subordinate, that a parent The New York Times Magazine, July 21, 1996.
would apologize to a child, or a man apologize to a
3. The role of the mediator in facilitating an
woman. Deborah Tannen has cited the differences
exchange of reciprocal apologies — ranging from
around the world in drivers’ responses to minor car
agreeing, to disagreeing, to forgiving, and to moving
accidents — in Japan and England the drivers are
forward — is outlined by Karl A. Slaikeu, in “When
more likely to express regret and show contrition,
Interpersonal Peacemaking is Needed,” in When Push
whereas in the U.S. each driver may be more eager to
Comes to Shove: A Practical Guide to Mediating
accuse the other in order to protect his or her own
Disputes, (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1996),
insurance or driving record. Similarly, women are
Chapter 16, pp. 195-207.
socialized to assume an apologetic stance to the
point that they often open a conversation with “I’m NB: The author wishes to thank Howard Gadlin, Mary Rowe,
sorry,” while men may have been taught that apolo- and Linda Wilcox for their comments that contributed to the
gizing is a sign of weakness. revisions of this article. The shortcomings remain the author’s
responsibility.
A rich opportunity for an ombuds to facilitate an ele-
gant resolution is presented when both parties can Dr. Wagner is the ombuds officer at Columbia University.
move to the point where they are ready to exchange
From: www.ombuds.uci.edu/JOURNALS/1996/apolo-
apologies. It is common for offences to occur in the
gies.html.
contexts of other offences: whether two or more indi-
viduals or groups hurt each others’ feelings by Reprinted with permission of the author.
speech, actions, or omissions, or whether they mutu-
An apology involves acknowledgement of injury
with an acceptance of responsibility, affect, and
vulnerablity – the risking of an acknowledgement
without excuses.
- Carl Schneider, mediator
Association canadienne pour la prévention de la discrimination et du harcèlement en milieu d’enseignement supérieur
