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					                                                                                                                  Monday, December 11 2006




             The Illemonatimes
Ryder, Ryder! He’s our Man!
By: Kallie Bernes

Who is tall, has blonde hair, is dating Awky, AND is one of the nicest people
around? You all know that it is Ryder. No one can match him for his overall amaz-
ingness.

Ryder leads a really neat life. His Mom is in an awesome band called 50 Foot
Wave. He has moved a bunch, he claims SIXTEEN times. Pretty soon he will be
moving again. Right now, he currently lives in Portland, Oregon. He has an amaz-
ing girlfriend and they are very much in love. They are the sweetest and awesom-
est couple on the forums, and they always will be.

What more can you say about Ryder? Lots! You could use a wide variety of posi-
tive adjectives to describe him. He is sensitive, respectful, generally happy, has
an incredible sense of humour, is very handsome, caring, generous, and so much
more. But everyone already knows that! You cannot help but open up to him. He
knows just what to say to make you feel better, whether it be funny or serious. He
has a very unique personality, and he is just a one-of-a-kind person.

And of course, everyone on the forums loves him. And wants to do him.

But what do other people have to say about Ryder? Let’s see.


Testimonials
“Ryder is a grand Illemonatus. All the girls know they want to secks him, AND he makes all the guys question their sexual preferences! He’s
wonderfully sensitive and caring, and in general much awesomer than he gives himself credit for. I hope his family’s perpetual motion brings him
to the northeast at some point so I can... meet him.” - LÆBy cakes
“He’s one of the most selfless of the Illemonati, and has never offended anyone but on the contrary made most of us smile and laugh. His devo-
tion to his girlfriend is one of the things that helps hold the Illemonati together. Aquaryder FTW! Also, he has good taste in TV programmes. All
together now... ‘Go on, go on, go on...’ “ - Feyn
“He is one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met. He cares about everyone before himself.” - E = MC Hammer (Mr. Cutiepænts)
“He is SEX.” - Damn Seduction Stage
“He is an incredibly thoughtful and kind individual. Sexy too.” - TaraFitz
“This person has interesting interests!” - Faerykore
“I’d fuck him.” - Tyrante
“Ryder’s a sensitive person, perhaps even too sensitive for this world. He’s also very smart, and definitely sexy.” - Tran
“He’s a widely known Illemonati. Very shaggable. A great person to know.” - Hakkai
“As Ty said, I’d hit it.” - Blindfolding
“He pwns. That’s all there really is to say. He’s funny, smart, kind, and amazing. <3 Ryder!” - Anya
“He’s compassionate and kind.” - Bran
“Bumsex” - Cam

Well, there you have it. Ryder = sex.


 Review: The Devil                                    Darth Hideous’                                      Cooking with
   Wears Prada                                        Bucket o’ Links                                        Ryder
 By: SaintSmythe                                                                                     By: Ryder
                                                   By: Darth Hideous
 Do you have your finger on the pulse                                                                 Okay, so I’m going to do a foody
                                                   Hey there, and welcome to my bucket. Be-          article... I guess it’ll be about lemons,
 of the fashion industry? Yeah, me nei-
                                                   ing the first edition of The Illemonatimes,        since it’s hard to cook demons (hmm,
 ther. So it was expecting an hour and                                                               roast duck next time).
                                                   I see it fit to tell you what’ll be happening
 48 minutes of catty, stick-thin women             in this spot. Here we go: Each time this
 and preening gay men that I popped The            column is in the paper, you will simply be        Oh, also, most of these will be pastry
 Devil Wears Prada into my DVD player.             introduced to the best links I’ve stumbled        since that’s where my culinary passion
 And I must say, the movie delivered               across on the Internet! That’s how simple it      is.
 exactly what I expected...                        is. Well then, here we go with the links...
                                                                                                     You can use lemon extract...
 Continued on Page 2                               Continued on Page 3
                                                                                                    Continued on Page 4
           Review: The Devil Wears Prada
The Devil Wears Prada
Genre: Chick Flick
Starring: Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway, Stanley Tucci, Emily Blunt
Run time: 108 mins.
Rating: PG-13


Do you have your finger on the pulse of the fashion industry? Yeah, me neither. So it was expecting an hour and 48 minutes of catty, stick-thin wom-
en and preening gay men that I popped The Devil Wears Prada into my DVD player. And I must say, the movie delivered exactly what I expected.

Based on the novel by Lauren Weisberger, the plot revolves around Andrea Sachs (Hathaway), a fresh-out-of-college “ordinary” girl who manages
to land a job that “a million girls would kill for” as the assistant to Miranda Priestly (Streep), the editor-in-chief of the top fashion magazine in the
world. However, this means that the unfashionable, naive, and, most unforgivably, overweight (size 6, “the new fourteen,” as Miranda’s right-hand
man Nigel (Tucci) says), Andrea has to deal with snide remarks from her co-workers, especially the nastily British Emily (Blunt), and the unbeliev-
ably superior, snotty, and impossible-to-please attitude of her boss (at one point in the movie, Andrea’s job rides on acquiring two copies of the as-
yet-unwritten Harry Potter book). Since she apparently can’t get a job anywhere else in New York with a bachelor’s in journalism, Andrea dramati-
cally alters her image and attitude, becoming “one of them,” getting herself down to a size four (still overweight, she’d need “Crisco and some fishing
wire” to fit into anything, according to Nigel) and sacrificing her free time, her friends, and her boyfriend in the process.

Anne Hathaway’s cookie-cutter performance in this film was forgettable and mediocre at best. Not once did I ever truly believe that the very-at-
tractive-despite-her-clearance-cerulean-sweater Hathaway knew nothing of fashion, was truly as naïve as she let on, would really ever put up with
Miranda’s entire attitude, or would ever honestly sleep with that scummy, bearded, longhaired boyfriend. The only changes Andrea ever goes through
are changes in wardrobe.

However, it’s the supporting cast, Emily Blunt as the fantastically caustic, over-the-top, and desperate-to-get-ahead assistant, Stanley Tucci as the
melancholically gay Nigel, and most of all Meryl Streep’s stunning and Oscar-worthy performance as the wonderfully, quietly evil Miranda, that re-
ally make this lame plot and disappointing lead role work. The glamorous Streep makes you believe it when she smirks and tells you, “Don’t be silly.
Everyone wants this. Everyone wants to be us.”

Without any sort of sappy romance story, this is one chick flick that guys will at the very least be able to tolerate. Expect to see this one nominated
several times on Oscar night.

By: SaintSmythe




                                Santa and the Undead
He made his list. He checked it twice. And he sure as hell knew who was naughty or nice. He pulled his red overcoat over his wide frame.

       “Are you ready, Chris?” Chris Kringle nodded.

       “Yes, dear, I am.” He kissed his wife on the cheek and turned into the cold wind. He lowered his hat past his ears when a small voice pierced
the wind.

       “Santa! Santa! SANTA!” He turned and nodded to a short elf in a green suit.

       “The sleigh is loaded, everything is green, and weather reports show everything is good once you get to the ocean,” the elf said.

       “Thank you, Jingle,” said Santa. The elf nodded, bowed, and disappeared into the white.

        Santa took a deep breath. Readying himself to make the run he had made for so long, he walked away from his modest cottage, pulling black
leather gloves over his fingers as he went. When he arrived at the airfield, everything was a buzz. The reindeer anxiously pranced about as the elves
checked the lights and performed last minute tune-ups on the sleigh.

“WHO’S READY TO SPREAD JOY AROUND THE GLOBE?” Santa’s voice boomed over the whistling wind. Everyone turned to him and re-
turned his cheer.

“Good. THEN LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!” Everyone moved off the field disappearing into the control tower, leaving St. Nick alone
with his reindeer. He walked down the two rows, gently patting each one on the head, whispering words of confidence.

Finally, he got to the end, a single one stood at the head of the pack. “Rudolph, will you guide my sleigh tonight?” The deer nodded in the way only a
deer can. Santa moved to the driver’s seat. He slumped into the seat for a moment. He brought the radio to his beard.

“Test 1-2. Test 1-2. This is Red 1. Are we getting link?”

“Yes, sir.” He nodded to himself.

“Good, if we are ready, I’ll be heading out shortly.”

“Roger that, you are clear, Santa.” He placed the radio back on the hook. Slowly, he reached out for the reins. He pulled the leather straps close to his
chest.

                                                                                                                              Continued on next page
 Continued from page 2
“ON RUDOLPH!! ON ROBBIE!! ON OLIVE!! ON BLITZEM!! ON DUNDER!! ON LEEROY!!” He snapped the reins, the deer began to trot, run,
and then finally take off. Chris held his hat on his head as the updraft lifted them higher and higher.

“This is Red 1, takeoff a success and everything is a go, see you all tomorrow.”

“Roger that, be careful, Red 1.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

To be continued

By: Jason Cooper




           Darth Hideous’ Bucket o’ Links
Hey there, and welcome to my bucket. Being the first edition of The Illemonatimes, I see it fit to tell you what’ll be happening in this spot. Here we
go: Each time this column is in the paper, you will simply be introduced to the best links I’ve stumbled across on the Internet! That’s how simple it is.
Well then, here we go with the links:


The +1 Laundry Machine
http://www.dominicwilcox.com/orgasmatron.html
Take a ride and make sure to hang on!
Strength ranges from “oh!” to “oooooooh!”


Marco Tempest - Don’t let him use your umbrella
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/umbrella-trick-p1.php?vid=7251
Bad video quality, bad sound quality, bad accent, awesome tricks!


Sunday, Dubya Sunday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3hMtzZ849E
Seeing George singing “Sunday, Bloody Sunday” by U2 is one of the things that actually make me happy.
Be sure to watch this!


Gingerbread man finally has a good home!
http://pcl.oxblue.com/gingerbread/
This is the world’s largest gingerbread house. They take pictures everyday so go there and get yourself a nice experience and a nice picture!


Human Bread
http://www.ezprezzo.com/crazypics/human_bread.html
Somewhere deep in the jungles of Thailand, a serial killer puts the pieces of her victims away on shelves... No, not really, it is just bread.


List of Unusual Deaths
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_deaths
It seems that not everyone dies quietly in his or her sleep. They might have been crushed by a bull, or even decapitated by his own car’s drive chain.


Bedtime Facts
http://brandon.ikevin.net/cram/
Did you know that horses can’t puke, or that gorillas can’t swim? There are even more bizarre facts on this site.


The Challenge of the Dark Movie Titles
http://us.mms.com/us/dark/index.jsp
Try finding all the movie titles hidden in this painting. Hours of entertainment!
I only found three.

By: Darth Hideous
                                    Cooking with Ryder
Okay, so I’m going to do a foody article... I guess it’ll be about lemons, since it’s hard to cook demons (hmm, roast duck next time).

Oh, also, most of these will be pastry since that’s where my culinary passion is.

You can use lemon extract for most lemon baked goods, but you have to get a good one or else it’ll taste artificial, or like the stuff they clean men’s
rooms with. Lemon zest can be used for a lot of things as well, but that can give a bitter taste, which is I like to use normal lemon juice whenever I
can.

When I was little, I used to get these lemon-poppy seed cookies at health food stores and stuff, those were large and chewy, but the kinds I made
recently were small and buttery instead.

2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
2 tablespoons poppyseeds
1 stick of salted butter
1 cup sugar
2 large egg yolks
1 large egg
1 1/2 teaspoon lemon extract

With a recipe like that, you should roll it into a log and leave it in the fridge for a few hours until it’s really firm, then use a serrated knife and slice off
even, thin slices.

If you want it to be more of a chewy cookie, use more flour and less butter, just go by feel for that.

So a 350 degree oven, y’know, grease a cookie sheet, that basic stuff. Cook them until they’re not squishy to the touch, and have a slight golden
brown color around the edges. It’s hard to tell since they’re yellow. You need to make sure that they don’t get dark on the bottoms...

Have fun with those, they’re really good.

MEATSPORTSBEER.

By: Ryder




     How I Survived A Garlic Overdose
Alright, faithful fronds, I’m going to warn you right now that the following story is pretty gross. REALLY gross even. Nonetheless, it is a true story
of gluttony, suffering and eventual redemption. All the elements of Shakespeare and Steinbeck rolled up into one stinky little ball of toilet humor. If I
haven’t scared you off yet, read on. The funny is coming.

Yesterday afternoon, after some things went unusually well for me, I was feeling pretty good about life in general, and figured I’d treat myself to a
good meal. So, on the way home, I stopped at the Old-School Pizzeria, which makes the best pizza in Olympia, hands down (there are those who
would argue that Vic’s or Brewery City hold that distinction, but those people have not been to NYC and so do not know how pizza is SUPPOSED to
be). I ordered my favorite specialty pizza, which comes with roasted garlic, spinach, and mushrooms. Delicious. I had a drink while I waited for my
pizza, then grabbed my pie and skedaddled on home.

Here begins the adventure.

Roasted garlic, as most of you probably know, is soft and brown, caramelized, sweet, and much less pungent than the raw variety. When I lifted the
lid on my pizza box, I noticed that the garlic was still pretty pale. In fact, it was white. The first bite confirmed my suspicion--while the garlic had in
fact been baked with the pizza, it had not been roasted first. It was, in point of fact, nearly raw. Hmm. This was a predicament. It still tasted pretty
good, albeit a bit strong, but the texture was all wrong. “Fuck it”, I said to myself, and skarfed down about two-thirds of the pizza (a medium). Even-
tually I ended up eating what I later estimated to be about one full head of nearly-raw garlic. Full, I went in the other room to watch a couple of mov-
ies. Around 11 PM was when the gas started. Oh, boy, did it ever start.

When I went to bed, one-ish, I was nearly gagging from the smell coming out of me. I tried to sleep, but about every five or ten minutes one of two
things would wake me: pain from gas bloating, or gagging from the smell. I can’t begin to describe the smell. It was such a richly disgusting smell
that it singed the nose-hairs. Still, the gas kept coming. Every minute or so brought another blast of the malodorous miasma. You know the “Dutch
Oven”, where you fart in bed and pull the covers over your bedmate’s head so they have to smell it too? Well, I did the opposite. I tried in vain to seal
the covers around my neck so that I couldn’t smell it. It didn’t work really at all. The bloating and pain and stink continued through the night.

I was miserable.

Morning dawned, bleary and stinky, and still I lay there helpless against my own self-barrage. I had not eaten in twelve or more hours, but the nausea
prevented me from having any kind of appetite. Sometime between eight and nine, I went to the bathroom and relieved myself of what must have
been five pounds of pure evil. I flushed it away, and over the next half hour or so, the gas pains began to subside, and by about ten I had fallen asleep-
-real sleep, not the feverish gas-bloated hallucinatory misery of the night before--whereupon I slept until three in the afternoon. When I awoke, most
of the day was gone, but I had weathered my garlic overdose. I finally felt almost human.

The moral of this story is that the human body can only handle so much raw garlic at once. Never, never, never, should one test their constitution by
exceeding that amount. Needless to say, I’ll be picking the garlic cloves off of the leftovers before I eat them.

By: Nathan S. Waldren
                             Figs according to Feyn
                    This week: MAAAAAARRRRS, it be a mighty planet
                                                             Going to the Moon, BRB
Until last week, scientists were pretty sure they had the history of Mars all plotted out: Mars once had a molten core of iron. Its molten core drove
volcanoes that erupted all over the surface, and spewed out a thick carbon dioxide atmosphere which trapped the sun’s heat and kept the planet warm.
The sloshing around of molten iron inside Mars gave the planet a strong magnetic field, protecting the planet from solar radiation. As the young
planet cooled, steam in the atmosphere cooled down and water flowed all over the surface in lakes, rivers and maybe even oceans. This water could
have supported life, and for a billion years the Red Planet was blue. Then as the core cooled, it solidified. The magnetic field shielding Mars disap-
peared and the planet was bombarded by the Sun’s deadly rays, which stripped away its atmosphere. With only a very thin blanket, Mars cooled to
below freezing point. All the water on its surface either evaporated due to the thin atmospheric pressure or froze into ice. Ice has been seen on Mars
in craters and on the polar caps, and the planet is believed to have an underground ocean of frozen ice. All this was taken as gospel truth.
Until last week.

NASA’s probe Mars Global Surveyor has been in orbit around the Red Planet since 1997, taking photographs. It photographed the same area in 1999
and in 2005... and last week, scientists spotted a gulley on the 2005 photos that weren’t there six years earlier.
Many people believe that the gulley was carved by running liquid water. If this is true, it’s the first evidence liquid water still flows on Mars and could
turn our whole idea of Mars upside down. Perhaps... perhaps it means we are one step closer to finding Martian life.
Or perhaps the gulley was carved by wind or liquid CO2? We don’t yet know. The photos give us about as much information as HC’s photos do, but
at least it’s a start.

Have a look at this photo and judge for yourself!




NASA have announced plans to make a Moonbase for 2024. The base will be the first structure to permanently house human beings on another
world. It will also act as a service station for the first people to go to Mars. Mind you, NASA did also say we’d be on Mars by 1997 when the Apollo
Moon landings happened so I’m sceptical, but at least this announcement gives us hope.... right? Anyone?




By: FeynmanMH42

				
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