An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven.
But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter,
who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then
told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal
could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his
words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would
be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney
was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in
Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
Bad advice 2
Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend
of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried
in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your
lawyer give you bad advice ..?"
"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold
it to me..."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their
ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do
you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the
There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.
One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what
he is, because he can't see.
The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long
fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit was happy to know what he was.
He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you
The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy
and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."
A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"
The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do
anything to win a case!"
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this
case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Buried in sand
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never
sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
12 Feet Deep
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six?
Because deep down they really are good people.
A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and
neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of
me, do you?"
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and
hit the door, ripping it off completely.<
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly
about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice
that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder
where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!"
Heart Transplant 2
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options
with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you
want to use.
One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. T
he second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who
died in his private plane.
The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had
chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been