Baby Boomers Mini Field Guide to really bad dates and mates Sally Franz Twenty varieties of really bad dates with which to have a painful relationship (10 for men, ten for women) Whacko women 1. Shopping Sharon - She loves to shop. She loves to take you with her. She wants you to walk around behind her as her shopping sherpa.. Your job is to carry her selections as she prances in and out of the dressing room. You must sit outside and ooh and ah as she appears in each new outfit. Hint: The answer to the question, ―Does this make me look fat, pale or too young?‖, is NO. The answer to, ―Does this make me look sexy?‖, is YES. 2. New Age Nadine – She wants to spend all your time and money at the Ashram following a guy in an orange bathrobe. She never touches alcohol and neither will you. She lights more candles in the bathroom than an alterboy at high mass. Don’t ask her is she wants to go out ask her tarot cards, roans, eightball, horoscope and guru. 3. Mountain-man Mary – This is one sturdy woman from good stock. In other words it would be a good idea not to cross her. She has that Yankee determination and the will of an ox. She doesn’t run with the wolves, she eats them. She lives off the land. Get ready for some hearty stews of skinned critters and vegetables- well at least cellulose- grass, roots and leaves. Bone appetite! 4. Depressed Denise – Everything is a heavy weight for her. Life is hard. She puts the ―P‖ in pessimism. You can dance, sing, bring her flowers and she may muster a slight Mona Lisa smile for a glancing moment. But then it’s back to gloom and sorrow. Get out your big red nose and floppy shoes! Making her happy is a full time job. Lucky you! 5. Passive Pauline – Pauline will do anything you want, go anywhere you like, be anything you want. You get to pick the movie, the restaurant, and the vacation spot. Is she just easy to get along with or is she so stupid she actually has no idea what she likes? The Queen of Chameleon – she lets you make every decision…and then of course you get to be wrong if it doesn’t work out. 6. Raging Rayanne – She was born angry. She came out screaming and enraged and hasn’t stopped. She doesn’t want to be happy and woe to the man who tries. No one is good enough, no meal cooked correctly and no one as smart as she is. Nothing is too small to not fly into a tizzy. Light turned red, lint in the dryer, gas gauge running low. It’s all wrong and guess whose fault it is?
7. Boob-job Babs – She must have seen the Graduate and taken it to heart. Everything on her is plastic. Plastic surgery on the nose, eye lids, and of course implants in the boobs. She has been lipoed, lazered and lifted. Her hair doesn’t remember its original color and her 2 inch finger nails have been covered with so much fiberglass and paint they look like the fenders on an MG. Do you like how she looks? Good for you! It will cost you $10,000 a month to keep up the façade. 8. Southern Suzanne – This Georgia Peach is sticky sweet, but beware! Inside that golden honey flesh is a heart as hard as a pit. She speaks soft and low and drawls and drools all over you until she gets that rock on her finger. Then you had better be ready to be her Sugar Daddy slave. She doesn’t take kindly to being told no. 9. Drama Star Stella – Her car breaks down, she gets fired, her mother is in the hospital, her brother is in jail for robbery, and she just over drew her checking account and it’s only 10 am. What more could go wrong? Don’t ask. She isn’t a muse she’s a mess. If your life is peaceful she’ll have you in a fist fight with her landlord and shot at by her ex-boyfriend within three hours of your first date. Go ahead try to bring order to her life, but first take out a lot of insurance. 10. Punk Penelope – Is she a bad girl trying to be good, or a good girl trying to be bad? Just read the writing on the wall, or better yet on her back. She is tattooed everywhere that shows and pierced in places that the sun doesn’t shine. Only bring her home to mother if you are trying to get out of the will. 11. Call-Girl Karen – She is always so hot; leopard skin stretch pants and big hair. Says she’s in the hospitality field and is sooo tired. But don’t worry about her being on her feet too much, she’s not baking pies for her customers. When it comes to her career, let’s just say., she’s got a lot up in the air. Haven’t you ever noticed how her pager goes off every hour? When she excuses herself to go to the John and is gone for an hour, she didn’t mean the bathroom, you putz. Weird men 12. Alien-boy Benny – When he said he believed in aliens you were open minded. When he showed you the x-rays where they inserted the anal probe it got weird. He says he has a nose chip so ―they‖ can trace his every move and now they have tracked him to your apartment. An open mind is one thing- enough space between the ears to graze a thousand head of cattle is another. Apparently some one has cut off the oxygen supply to what ever is left of his brain. I’d run if I were you! 13. Cowboy Bob – He struts into the bar with a ten gallon hat filled with ten gallons of cute folksy sayings like, ―You’re cuter than a June bug on a rose‖ What he doesn’t tell you is that June bugs eat the heart out of a rose and leave it to die. He hates women and would sooner sleep with his horse. All he needs you for is to go twostepping because his horse can’t get the hang of it.
14. Tortured Artist Arnold – Be he a painter, a musician, a writer or a rock star—you just don’t understand. He must go deep to come up with all his brilliant ideas. Usually that means deep into your pocketbook. He is just minutes away from his ship coming, but meanwhile he is always in hot water. Who can save him? Who can make the world understand his tortured mind? No one but that won’t stop you from trying. 15. Banker Bruce – He is gifted at creating huge sums of interest for his clients. For you he has little interest. Yet you know that behind that pin stripped suit is a man full of passion. Well at least you think so. Maybe you should just cover yourself in tickertape and see if he can read the fine print. 16. Sugar Daddy Dave – He has the newest car, the biggest house, the shortest attention span. He keeps forgetting he’s not supposed to be sleeping with other women. He buys you diamonds and furs. He buys in bulk. He gives diamonds for the first month, furs for the second, a trip for the third. He doesn’t have anything planned for month four, no one has ever stayed that long. Remember to keep the jewelry, give back the boyfriend. 17. Trustafarin Freddie – Look at him in his B Brothers monogrammed shirt, expensive Italian leather shoes and BMW. He has very upper class tastes. But alas, mumsy only left him enough to survive on. It’s hard to join the yacht club, play backgammon and mix with the right people for that possible big deal on a limited income. That’s why he needs yours. You work, he’ll play and one day somehow you’ll both be rich. That’s of course when he will leave you for something younger and not so worn out. 17. Bad-cop Ken.- He is a real man’s man. Ken likes to rough people up. He likes to wave his gun around. He is passionate and intense. He likes to catch the bad guys and beat them into submission. He is big into submission. Unfortunately all that gun smoke has gone to his brain. He doesn’t know the difference between stroking and choking. Touch, tap, slap, crack. Come on baby you know I didn’t mean it. Baby? 18. Mafia King Carlos – Nobody is sure what Carlos does. If you ask him he just says, ―stuff‖. And that’s true. He stuffs body’s into cars, into closets and into elevator shafts for a living. He doesn’t have a bank account because he doesn’t trust bankers. I guess he doesn’t trust jewelers or Sears because he has 200 diamonds in his car and a warehouse full of TV’s, tires and stereos. He loves to please the ladies, but don’t get him mad or the next dress you wear maybe Chez Cement. 19. Moody Mark – Mark has a thousand moods and none of them are pleasant. If it rains, it ruined his picnic, if it is sunny it gave him a sun burn. If you forget his Birthday you’re insensitive, if you remember his Birthday you’re cruel for reminding
him he’s older. He delights in misery. But you know, if you were just cuter, smarter, skinner, younger or richer he wouldn’t be so moody and don’t forget that! 20. Addicted Al – He is a diabetic who eats sugar, an alcoholic who drinks and a gambler who will bet you five to one he can stop. He has been to so many anonymous groups in town, everybody knows him. His problem is he is addicted to addiction. If he gives up alcohol, he starts pot, if he gives up pot he starts eating whole cheesecakes between meals. He wants to love you but you are too, well, too normal. You on the other hand may be addicted to bad dates. . 21. Detroit Dick – He knows the difference between an overhead cam and a piston rod, a four wheel drive and rack and pinion steering. But he’s not too sure he knows the difference between an orgasm and gasket. He can fix your shocks and rotate your tires, but he’s read more car manuals than sex manuals. What to do? Just tell him you want four on the floor, a stick shift and it’s a new engine so baby it under 40 miles per hour for the first 100 hours.
Call of the wild: If you have a really bad date or mate you have heard one or more of these: 1. You never say you love me any more, you never take me anywhere, you never buy me anything- usually spoken by the mate who doesn’t work, doesn’t pay the bills and sits on the couch all day watching reruns. I can’t believe you picked the only highway with a traffic jam and an over turned semi-truck, why do you do this to me all the time? You make me feel horrible. You are so thoughtless – (After receiving 36 long stem coral pink roses, when she asked for salmon pink and he’s color blind.) The reason you lost that important account is because Mercury is in retrograde and Uranus in is a sling. No. nothing’s wrong. I’m fine. I just have to cry for a while (repeated every day). Anyway, you wouldn’t understand and if you really cared you’d know, so I’m not going to tell you. You’re so insensitive. I didn’t sleep very well. I think I was abducted by aliens sometime after midnight in the middle of that thunderstorm. Probably the usual—sexual experimentation. So I watch a little TV, it relaxes me, no big deal – Spoken by the only person who watch all of the OJ trial live and all the reruns. Who also has watched every Seinfeld episode and knows all of the Superman references from each episode.
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Geez, lighten up I’m having one little beer. Pass the marmalade and cereal I’m late for work.
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Gosh, how embarrassing my credit card was declined, must be maxed out from that charity donation I made. Said by the person who invited you to dinner just after they consumed the lobster and steak and vintage bottle of Mumms. Of course I didn’t cheat on you. I am virtually monogamous. If I did have sex it wasn’t anything spiritual, it was just biological, you’re the one I love. I love everyone, just like God. Until you, I never had a reason to live. If you leave me I will die, kill myself, kill you. I love you more than life itself-yours to be exact. Look what you made me do. You make me so angry. You’ve ruined my life You never ask me how I feel. You are always late. You can’t say you’re sorry It’s not you. It’s me. I have to find myself – Your girl friend is cheating on you It’s not me. It’s you. You’re imagining things – Your boyfriend is cheating on you. Don’t blame me for throwing your Grandmother’s vase across the room and breaking it onto a thousand pieces. I’m not the one who folded the bathroom towels in half instead of the proper way which everyone know is in thirds. I love to write him letters, usually 14 hand-written pages to explain my feelings About our 5 minute conversation. When he says, ―I want dining out to be a joyous occasion‖ (don’t think RitzCarlton, think Happy Meal). When I said I wanted to marry you, I didn’t mean married, married, I meant act like we’re married. You know like where you helped me fix up my house. You don’t believe that a silly piece of paper means anything, do you? I can’t believe you’re throwing me out for a silly thing like money. What about love? You call yourself a good person and you let a simple $10,000 come between us?
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Bad dates and mates in history – 1. Anne Boline- Some women are not worth hanging around or sticking your neck out for. Not now, not in a thousand days. 2. Henry the Eight – (see above) Don’t confuse an appetite with lasting passion. The man who can eat an entire cow is usually full of bull. 3. The Unsinkable Molly Brown- When she says you give her a lift she might be eyeing your life jacket. 4. Einstein- Never date a man who thinks everything is relative. He’ll get what he wants and then he’ll be history faster than the speed of light. Put that in your Fig, Newton. 5. Annie Oakely – Never date a woman who thinks protection in bed means wearing a two gun holster. She’s only happy when you hit the target after she does. 6. Shogun- Never date an Asian man who starts off the first conversation with, ―What size feet do you have?‖ 7. Aieta – Never date a woman who has a basement apartment. She’ll cut off your circulation and take your breath away. 8. Alexander the Great. History tells us that all great male leaders were usually not great in one important area. All the rest who noticed were hung. 9. Mary Queen of Scotts- Never date a woman who has ships or tomato drinks named after her. She’ll tower over you.
10. Moses – Never date a man who wanders around for forty years without asking directions. He may thin he knows where he is going but your relationship will be plagued with monotony not to mention sand and dust.
Dear Aunt Sassy, I am dating a football player, offensive end who likes to wear my clothes, especially my undergarments. He says it makes him get in touch with his feminine side. What do you think? Diane in Tennessee Square Dear DITS, If he wants to get in touch with something feminine he should be touching you, not himself. If he likes silky underwear let him go to the Mediterranean and wear a Speedo. Here’s a hot tip. Victoria’s Secret is that lace is for women. My advice is to drop him and date a man your own size, at least he won’t ruin your clothes when you are out of the house. Delicately yours, Aunt Sassy ______________________________________ Dear Aunt Sassy, Whenever I ask my new girl friend out for dinner she says she has to check her daytimer and she’ll call me back Then about 5 minutes later she’ll call and agree to dinner. I am afraid she is just too corporate for me. Please advise. A reflective soul with intended pursuing endeavors Dear ARSWIPE, Your special lady isn’t checking her daytimer. She’s checking her refrigerator. If there aren’t any leftovers from the last time she got a date to pay for her and nothing is in the freezer then you are good to go. You think I am making this up? Ask her out for an expensive dinner and then call at the last minute and say you changed your mind, to a cup of tea and a nice walk around the park. Just watch and see how quickly her daytimer fills up. She’ll be busier than a metermaid at a Parking lot convention.
Soulfully yours, Aunt Sassy
Dear Aunt Sassy, I think my boyfriend is stealing from me. Whenever we go out I seem to be missing things the next day. My watch, a cell phone and some CD’s. When I asked him he said it was probably just the magic of love like, ferries or elves. Have you ever heard of that? Caught in love with unicorns and elves- Lesley DEAR CLUE-Les, Aunt Sassy would like you to walk through some logic steps with me. Do ferries care about time, have anyone to call or own CD players? Okay, let me make this easier for you. All ferries only take money, they are never seen in pawn shops they think they are nasty. This boyfriend however is most likely waltzing your things around the corner to said pawn shop. If you notice the street people wearing jewelry identical to the things you used to have, it may not mean you’re a trend setter. Please don’t see him any more and don’t have children with him or anyone else for that matter. Someone as precious as you should be a one of a kind. Enchantingly yours, Aunt Sassy
Dear Aunt Sassy, My girl friend says she is carrying my baby. But I had a vasectomy after my divorce. She wants me to marry her, what should I say? Sam Nevers in Peoria Dear SNIP, You have a delicate choice here. Either God in his wisdom has miraculously allowed you a second chance at fatherhood or your girl friend is a slut. Most men search their hearts and decide what really matters to them. They have to choose: To wait for a woman of virtue and honesty who will always be by your side or to stay with the promiscuous hussy
who is trying to con you into marriage and will sleep with your best friend if given the chance-- if she hasn’t already. The choice is yours and it is easy to see which choice most decent fellows make. (Did we mention the floozy has really big knockers, long legs and big flowing blond hair and the virtuous one will probably be fat with stringy gray hair?) I am sure you will come to the right decision. Duplicitously, Aunt Sassy
Dear Aunt Sassy, I met a wonderful man the other evening at a local pub. We Hit it off right away and ended going back to my apartment near the subway. Well, one thing led to another. he spent the night. He said he would call me, but it’s been three weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I think he said he was recently separated? Should I call him? Sleepless in Newark Near the Elevated Ramp Dear SINNER, Sure you should call him. Call him whatever any woman calls a man who used her for sexual favors without paying. A cad, a womanizer, a cheapskate. If I were you I’d send him an invoice. Maybe for time and materials and a flat hourly rate- I am assuming you were lying down? But Aunt Sassy thinks perhaps we should learn a little lesson here also. Never take home what another woman has thrown out with the garbage. Most woman have a very good eye for what is still useful and for what is taking up too much room for the trouble of dusting it. Tired, used and broken furniture like a man is neither functional nor pretty. It is best not to pick them up, especially when your judgement and sight are impaired from imbibing. Soberly yours, Aunt Sassy.
Guidelines for avoiding bad dates and mates: 1. Never date a man you have met at traffic court, small claims court or the food court at the mall. 2. It’s nice to feel wanted. Just stop dating folks that are wanted by the FBI or Scotland Yard. 3. Silence is golden. It is also platinum. Here’s how you can tell if a woman is a gold digger. She will never criticize you or have an opinion that crosses yours—until you are married. 4. Never date a woman you met at ―group‖, at a pyramid sales meeting or a motivational rally--anybody can seem normal around a fringe element. 5. He says he’s going to take care of you forever, but you notice that his cat is suffering from the mange, his gold fish is belly up and he’s misplaced his mother again. Not a good choice. 6. She says her hobby is collecting things. That means she hasn’t thrown out a single thing in thirty years. Every newspaper, pizza box and fishbone. Feel free to move in there’s a spot above the fridge to put your clothes. Right on top of the used kitty litter. 7. Why is it the men who can’t commit and women who can’t commit, are actually the ones who are most in need of being committed? 8. Read every title in his library. You are what you read. No he is not a history buff if he is reading tomes titled- Popular War, Hand-guns for you and me, Fashion fatigues for you or your whole militia. 9. Ask her what some of her past boyfriends were named. There might be a red flag if names such as Bubba, Killer, Pretty boy, Big Daddy, Knuckles or any series of numbers show up--either prison numbers, secret agent numbers or robot numbers. 10. Never date a woman who sells make-up unless you are ready to drive a pink car and walk a pink poodle named something in faux French.. The ones with the 1 inch of make-up foundation, 2 inch lashes and 3 inch nails- the woman and the dog. The first time she hits the light of day she’ll melt all over the lawn..