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 News & Views                                                                                          J ANUARY 20 07

                                                                                                     INSIDE THIS ISSUE

A Year in review...                                                                                 •Dads Program
 …from the executive director’s desk                                                                •Homelessness                2
                                                                                                    •Men In Crisis
Over the last year we have     GLBTQ youth. Regular            Family Development. Ron              •Emergency Housing           3
run five different types of    evening meetings for An-        Cantelon, our local Liberal
workshops – Dads Make a        ger       Management and        MLA is arranging a meeting
Difference, Anger Manage-      Dads Make a Difference          with the new Minister, Tom
                                                                                                    •Christmas at NMRC           4
ment, Family Maintenance       are also happening.             Christensen.
                                                                                                    •Parental Alienation         5
Enforcement Program,           We didn’t give any              This past summer there
Triple P Parenting, and        workshops on Parental           was a Coroner’s Inquiry into         •Calming the Anger           6
Breath Workshops. Due to       Alienation Awareness this       the     deaths      of   two
lac k of f un di ng or         year, but we distributed the    individuals related to
resources, we have not         new video we produced to        domestic violence. We sent
offered workshops on           over 1000 organizations         two representatives to
“Family/Divorce Court”,        province wide. Please see       testify at the inquest. The
“Parental Alienation Aware-                                                                        Resource Library
                               the back cover of News &        jury of four women and one
ness”, or “Divorce Survival    Views for details.              man made a recommenda-             We are compiling and
Workshop” this year,                                           tion that the “Nanaimo
                               This fall we started offering                                      indexing all our helpful
though they are still on our                                   Men’s Resource Centre
                               a service to the public for                                        articles at the Nanaimo
radar screen..                                                 should receive permanent
                               Paternity Testing. See our                                         Men’s Resource Centre
We have also given             website for details.            funding from the Province of       and placing them in our
workshops on “Dads Make                                        BC”. We are currently              growing library.
a Difference” to child care    We have met with both           sending out an information
providers and sponsored        local MLA’s on a number         package to every MLA in            If you feel that you have an
Gardner Wiseheart to come      of occasions as well the        the province asking if they        article or resource that
up again to provide            MLA from Port Alberni           have resources for men in          you’d like to contribute,
workshops to the public        specific to a constituent of    their community. Coupled           please submit them to our
health nurses in October.      his who had concerns            with a good look at our            front desk and they will
                               about Parental Alienation. I    programs, we are hoping            forward then to James for
We     still   have    our     have also met with cabinet
Wednesday night support                                        that this will help to create      addition to our library.
                               ministers Wally Oppal, the      more sustainable funding.
group on Separation and        Attorney General, and
Divorce (1st & 3rd Wednes-                                     We shall see!
                               Stan Hagen, who was                                                 List of Contributors
days of the month), as well    Minister of Children and                                   TJB
as the Youth Group for                                                                               TJB...Theo Boere
                                                                                                     Executive Director
Dad’s Make a Difference Program                                                                        nmrc_theo@shaw.ca

                                                                                                  JAL...James A. Latour
Dads Make a Difference is      One of the                                  and        each                Editor
at the forefront of our        dads in our                                 week we saw
conversation in this dad’s     group wasn’t                                him the deep           MB...Michael Beechey
group. We share food, we       allowed     to                              sadness in his           Program Manager
talk about dad stuff and       see his little                              eyes touched               nmrc_michael@shaw.ca
men stuff. It’s not a lot of   girl until the                              us.          He        JV...Jonathon van der goes
idle chit chat but what is     lawyer and                                  missed       his          Client Services &
shared,    mentored     and    court things                                little      girl.        Support Coordinator
witnessed is meaningful        were settled.                               Every      week            nmrc_jonathon@shaw.ca
and heartfelt. This month I    She       was                               he     attended          AO...Angela Olsen
have two things to share: A    only weeks                                  our        dads         Dads Make a Difference
story and an insert from a     old when he                                 group         to             Coordinator
great book.                    saw her last,                              (Continued on page 2)       nmrc_angela@shaw.ca
NEWS & VIEWS                                                                                                            P AG E 2

Dad’s Make a Difference Program                                                         continued

                                              needed to survive. We believe that        growth carefully yet firmly, using
(Continued from page 1)                       in our wounded world, we can no           appropriate fencing. We must be
                                              longer afford to live by archetypes       confident, in the face of their fiercest
receive         encouragement,         and    that    embody     the   tenets   of      storms     and     most     aggressive
amazingly to encourage us. He kept            domination by the might of the spear      outbursts that deep roots are
his spirits raised high so that               or the sword.                             forming. By following the gardener
depression and despair would not              Perhaps the archetype of the              archetype, we can watch our sons
seep in creating bitterness and anger.        technological age must be the             take root, flourish, and bloom into
I often heard him say, “I’m going to          gardener – the one who follows the        their own lives.”
keep fighting for my little girl, so I can    seasons: weathers frightful storms;       It takes a conscious choice to be the
give her the best dad I can be.”         It   uses the elements of fire, earth, air     best parent you can be in the best
took eight long weeks before he got           and water; cultivates; sows; weeds;       interest of your children. Our Dad’s
to look into the eyes of his baby             prunes; stakes; and reaps.                Group is all about learning how to
daughter, but it finally happened. The
                                              As mothers and fathers we must be         do this.
look of pure joy and happiness on the
face of this young dad is a day I will        clear about our individual responsi-      There are two lasting bequests
never forget. I hope one day that I           bilities as the gardeners for our         we can hope to give our
will have the opportunity to share with       sons. We must be in tune with the         children…one of these roots: the
this little girl how wonderful her dad        seasons of their lives. We must           other, wings.
is. He never forgot how important             know how to aim the sun’s ferocious                --- Hodding Carter, Jr.
she was to him or how important he            light to help them find their inner
was to her.                                   guidance system of feeling, thinking,
                                              and self direction. We must learn
One of our “Dad Guides” shared this           the gentle art of cultivating their
insert from a book called Real Boys           souls. We must be explicit and
by William Pollack, Ph.D. in the              united concerning the ideals and
chapter called Raising a Son. At our          values we sow in their imaginations.            Are you a member of
Dads Make a Difference Group we
feel this way about our children.
                                              We must be free to water and                       NMRC yet???
                                              nurture them well with love, and
“As we have seen, certain ancient             weed out our own frustrations and              •    $10 Individual (1 Year)
peoples “used” the hunter archetype           anger. We must be strong and kind,             •    $100 Corporate (1 Year)
to shape their sons into men they             committed to staying connected with
needed for their world. Others used           our sons, no matter what conditions
the warrior archetype to form their           their wild growth might create. We
sons into fierce fighters their society       must prune and stake their fragile

Why homelessness May
            be easier to solve than to manage

In the nineteen-eighties, when                 the people he had recently spent         that someone is homeless is one
homelessness first surfaced as a               so much time with. “It made me           day. And the second most common
national issue, the assumption was             realize that most of these people        length is two days. And they never
that the problem fit a normal                  were getting on with their own           come back. Anyone who ever has
distribution: that the vast majority of        lives,” he said.                         to stay in a shelter involuntarily
the homeless were in the same state            Culhane then put together a              knows that all you think about is
of semi-permanent distress. It was an          database—the first of its kind—to        how to make sure you never come
assumption that bred despair: if there         track who was coming in and out of       back.”                        JVG
were so many homeless, with so                 the shelter system. What he              For more information visit: http://
many problems, what could be done              discovered profoundly changed the        www.newyorker.com/fact/content/
to help them? Then, fifteen years ago,                                                  articles/060213fa_fact
                                               way homelessness is understood.
a young Boston College graduate                Homelessness doesn’t have a
student named Dennis Culhane lived             normal distribution, it turned out. It
in a shelter in Philadelphia for seven         has a power-law distribution. “We
weeks as part of the research for his          found that eighty per cent of the
dissertation. A few months later he            homeless were in and out really
went back, and was surprised to                quickly,” he said. “In Philadelphia,
discover that he couldn’t find any of          the most common length of time
             P AG E 3                                                                                  NEWS & VIEWS

                                                                                                  By Valerie Pelissero, MSW. RSW

Focusing on mental health illness           b e t we e n m a l e s u i c i d e a n d
and specifically male depression            depression provides considerable
that is unidentified, undiagnosed           support for the hidden epidemic of
and ultimately untreated, can assist        depression in men.
many men who now find themselves            Incorporating gender specific
in crisis.     There are gender             aspects into the assessment of male
differences with respect to                 depression is vital to an accurate
depression. Generally, women are            diagnosis because it can result in
over-represented in diagnosis and           the identification of such symptom-
treatment, while men are                                                                                    Presents
                                            ology with men. Defenses such as
under-diagnosed and subsequently            masking, submerging, camouflaging                The New Warrior Training Adventure
untreated.                                  and externalizing behaviours                     What it is: A weekend of adventure
Authors studying male depression            contribute to the complexities of                and transformation for men.
believe that the reason for the low         such assessments. However, there                 Where it is: Camp Pringle, Shawni-
prevalence of Major Depressive              are masculine specific assessment                gan Lake, Vancouver Island, B. C.
Disorder diagnoses among men is             criteria available.      Using both
that male depression is not                 traditional criteria for depressive              What it offers: A life changing experi-
identified and therefore is ultimately      disorder (DSM-IV-TR) and gender                  ence that will accelerate your personal
untreated for many men.              Men    specific assessment tools, the                   journey as a man of integrity.
generally believe they have to be           accurate diagnosis of male                       The initiation of men will begin on
strong, successful, in control,             depression can lead to and support               March 9, 2007. Camp Pringle is about
capable of handling problems                appropriate treatment and                        one hour from Victoria, BC, on
without help and should not show            interventions.                                   Vancouver Island. Vancouver Island
emotions, except for anger.                 It is this perspective that can                  can be reached by one of several Fer-
However, because of the developing          usefully guide mental health                     ries or via Airplane into the Victoria
crisis for men and their                    treatment toward becoming more                   Int er nat i o na l Ai rp ort ( YYJ) o r
psychological well-being termed “the        effective in the detection of men                Nanaimo's Cassidy Airport (YCD).
silent crisis”, it is critical to examine   suffering from depression.
depression form a masculine                 Developing more relevant,
perspective.                                appropriate and efficacious                      For further information contact:
Depression in men is serious, and if        treatment strategies will lead to a                            Phil Gardner
untreated, potentially fatal condition.     reduction in the burden of this                           pjgardner1@shaw.ca
For example, there are 4.2 male             illness for both the individual and
completions of suicide for each             society in general.                                          (250) 756-2565
female completion and young white           Valerie is a clinical social worker with                           OR
males (age 15 – 24) are five to eight       Waterman & Associates. Her “passion” is
times more likely to complete               working with men with depression.       She                 Nelson Sacristan
                                            volunteers at NMRC one afternoon a week on
suicide than females. Older males           Wednesdays. If you would like to see Valerie,         nelson.sacristan@gmail.com
(age 85 and over) are ten times             you may see her at NMRC (716.1551) or                        (250) 468-5613
more likely to commit suicide than          through her private practice at Waterman &
elderly females.     The correlation        Associates (754.8559).

Family Crisis Emergency housing services

In the spring of 2006, we received          parent and is visiting from outside of
funding from The United Way—                Nanaimo and doesn’t have the
Nanaimo to start a fund that would          resources available to stay here for
house people on a temporary basis           a visit with their children. A third
while they were in crisis.                  opportunity for this fund is for                       Are you a member of
This fund has been set up for men           GLBTQ Youth who need to stay
                                            somewhere because they have                               NMRC yet???
who are having to leave their homes
due to a domestic situation. Also,          been evicted by their families during                 •    $10 Individual (1 Year)
the fund can be used by a man or            the “coming out” process.
                                                                                                  •    $100 Corporate (1 Year)
woman who is a non-custodial
                                                                     (Continued on page 5)
NEWS & VIEWS                                                                                                   P AG E 4

    Christmas at NMRC
    On December 20, 2006, we held our    at Christos Restaurant. The food         the bookings, and the special gifts of
    Annual Christmas celebration for     was delicious. The group was fun.        home-made wine. Below are some
    staff, volunteers and members of     We had a great time!                     of the pictures that were taken.
    the Board of Directors.              Many thanks to Angela who went                                            JAL
    This year we held our get together   that “extra mile” and took care of all
P AG E 5                                                                                                            NEWS & VIEWS

(Please note that the reading lists referred to are   alienation, a child may exhibit all or    changes around our family structure
on our site at http://www.nanaimomen.com/pages/
nmrc_pa_info.htm)                                     only some of the following                that have taken place in the last
Parental Alienation, also referred to                 behaviours. It is the cluster of these    number of decades. The major
as Parental Alienation Syndrome or                    symptoms that prompted Gardner to         victims in all of this are our children.
PAS, is a syndrome first identified in                consider them as a syndrome.              They are being placed at risk and
the mid to late eighties. Parental                    1) The child is aligned with the          deprived of two parents, not only by
Alienation is a distinctive family                    alienating parent in a campaign of        alienating parents, but also by a
response to divorce in which the                      denigration against the target            legal system which fails to under-
child becomes aligned with one par-                   parent, with the child making active      stand the implication of Parental
ent and preoccupied with unjustified                  contributions;                            Alienation and is ill equipped to deal
and/or exaggerated denigration of                                                               with it. Parental Alienation is
                                                      2) Rationalizations for deprecating       destructive irrespective of the gen-
the other, target parent. In severe                   the target parent are often weak,
cases, the child's once love-bonded                                                             der of the alienating parent and is
                                                      frivolous or absurd;                      considered to be a form of child
relationship with the rejected/target
parent is destroyed. Since first being                3) Animosity toward the rejected          abuse. Children are growing up
identified by Dr. Richard Gardner                     parent lacks the ambivalence              without one parent and are being
much controversy has surrounded                       normal to human relationships;            psychologically damaged in the
PAS, as to whether it is really an                                                              process. These children are acting
                                                      4) The child asserts that the             out their confusion, anger, and
identifiable syndrome. Debate                         decision to reject the target parent is
continues to rage as to its legitimacy                                                          frustrations in many ways. For
                                                      his or her own, also referred to as       example, boys, in the teenage
as a real syndrome, but it is not our                 the "independent thinker" phenome-
intention to enter into that debate.                                                            years, are often prone to violent, self
                                                      non;                                      destructive behaviours related to
Whether it is identified as Parental
Alienation Syndrome, or simply as                     5) The child reflexively supports the     drugs, car thefts, robbery, gang
parental alienation, or a multitude of                parent with whom he or she is             behaviour, and suicide. Girls, in the
other related psychiatric disorders, it               aligned;                                  teenage years, are prone to similar
is simply our intention to address                    6) The child expresses guiltless          kinds of self destructive behaviours,
the problem. Whether or not one                       disregard for the feelings of the         including drugs, gang behaviour,
chooses to use Gardner's terminol-                    target or hated parent;                   and sexual promiscuity.
ogy, the problems posed by these                      7) Borrowed scenarios are present,        According to Statistics Canada there
cases to families, professionals and                  i.e., the child's statements reflect      were 69,088 divorces in Canada in
the courts are very real.       Reluc-                themes and terminology of the             1998. In the 1996 census the aver-
tance to c onsider Parental                           alienating parent;                        age persons per family was 3.1
Alienation by name, along with the                                                              people. This would equate to 1.1
diagnostic and interventions it                       8) Animosity is spread to the             children per family. This would
entails, may however contribute to                    extended family and others                indicate that approximately 75,000
the perpetuation of the problem in a                  associated with the hated parent.         children were affected by divorce in
variety of ways.                                      Parental Alienation or a similar type     1998, not including children of
Depending on the severity of the                      of behavioural acting out by              common law marriages. If Parental
                                                      divorcing parents has become a            Alienation was in effect in only 20%
                                                      pervasive aspect of divorce in our        of these divorces, 15,000 children
(Continued from page 3)
                                                      society. Clawar and Rivlin (Reading       are affected annually. If we used
                                                      List #7) found that parental              even higher percentages, as some
This has been a great success. We                     alienation was practiced to varying       studies suggest that some degree of
are delighted to have the services of                 degrees by 80% of divorcing               Parental Alienation is active in
The Painted Turtle to help us with                    parents, with 20 percent engaging in      80-90% of divorce cases, then we
this services. If you or someone                      such behaviours with their children       are speaking of over 60,000 children
you know fits the above criteria, you                 at least once a day. According to         annually. That is 600,000 children
must contact NMRC by phone or                         Johnston (Reading List #8,9,39),          each decade and that’s just in
email and go through an in-take                       43% of children they examined were        Canada. According to Statistics
interview.                                            in strong alignments with an              Canada, in 1998, approximately one
We have had several clients who                       alienating parent and 29% in mild         third of divorce cases involved child
have used this new service and by                     alignments. These figures approach        custody orders. These orders
connecting them with other                            Gardner's estimate that 90% of the        concerned 37,851 children. Child
community resources, have started                     children he has assessed in custody       custody orders are an indication of
the transition to their new lives.                    evaluations exhibit varying degrees       high conflict divorce. We believe
Thank you to The United Way—                          of PAS.                                   that we can safely draw the conclu-
Nanaimo!                                                                                        sion that thousands of children in
                                                      Current research is just beginning to     Canada are affected by Parental
                                             JAL      identify and catch up to the social       Alienation annually.             TJB
      Nanaimo Men’s Resource Centre

            417D Fitzwilliam Street
           Nanaimo, British Columbia
               Canada V9R 3A7                  Are you a member of
                                                  NMRC yet???                            We’re on the Web!
             Phone: 250.716.1551              •   $10 Individual (1 Year)              www.nanaimomen.com
              Fax: 250.716.1557               •   $100 Corporate (1 Year)
            E-mail: nmrc@shaw.ca

Calming the Anger

Calming the Anger is all about            anger and was glad to also learn what    them, it’s me, it’s all inside my own
processing anger in a healthy way so      a kind and beautiful person he was.      thinking and my thoughts. It’s my
that you do not hurt yourself or          His determination and will to figure     feelings and my stuff, oh, that’s
others. And processing anger is all       out why anger controlled him was         creepy. I get it now!” We hugged
about self expression in the moment.      admirable.      Trevor consciously       and I thanked him for being so
I arrived early that Friday evening to    searched deep inside himself and         amazing.
set up for the one evening and two        looked for the wounded places of his     Transformation of a human being is
full day work shop Calming the Anger.     past that he connected to his present    the greatest gift we give each other.
I met the facilitator before; a great     situations. It was a gift to watch as
                                          he eagerly worked fitting the concepts                                    AO
man who knew a lot about helping
people through their anger. I admired     into reality.
and respected him deeply and tonight      What I saw next was a miracle. His
I would also meet his wife who would      hard etched face became soft and
be working with him this weekend. I       caring. Who he really was began to
was excited yet a little apprehensive     shine through. The angry aggressive
about being in a room with so many        young man was no longer in the
angry and acting out people. But I        room. The greatest words I ever
was up for the challenge and was          heard was, “So it’s not out there or
encouraged by past successes.
Thirteen people showed up that first      Parental Alienation Awareness Video
night, ready to learn what they didn’t
know about anger and why it
somehow affected their lives so
                                                    NOW AVAILABLE!!!
profoundly. As the evening and the
days     that    followed    unfolded,              DVD or VHS $24.95
breakthroughs and understandings
occurred in many, yet none so
profoundly as the angriest of them all.
His name was Trevor, and his face
wore years of pain. The lines on his
forehead and around his lips were
deep for such a young man. My heart
ached as I remembered my own son
and hoped that he would never feel
this much turmoil.
On the last day I had an opportunity
to share one-on-one time with Trevor.
I learned things about him that I knew
were the cause of such aggressive

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