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H.C.P.O.C.A. Newsletter 2003

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H.C.P.O.C.A. Newsletter 2003 Powered By Docstoc
					                                H.C.P.O.C.A.
                                 Newsletter
                                   2003

       OLD COMS GOES 21st CENTURY
Strange as it may seem to        onto the world wide web       Tony Blair’s theme tune?).
a lot of you out there, it is    (www) but somehow I
a fact that more and more        seem to manage it.            If you’re on the net then
people are tuning in to the                                    please       check     out
world of instant communi-        Sometime ago it seemed        www.hcpoca.co.uk. You
cations. It had to come and      that lots of our comrades     will find a few items of in-
it has.                          were selling up and mov-      terest but we want more.
                                 ing out (is that another      Send us contributions,
Thanks to the commitment         word for escaping?). Jim      photos, ideas, whatever.
of Steve Watson, sup-            Hornsby, Gordon Peam,         You can email anything
ported by Eddy Carlill, our      Denis Kent et al sailed off   appropriate to me at
organisation now has its         to sunnier climes. For        steve@hcpoca.co.uk.
own website. I have to           some reason Mick Kent
confess that, along with a       went to Sweden (Hmmm).        You will also find a list of
lot of you, I don’t really                                     current members. For ob-
know what that means, nor        Some of you sent me e-        vious reasons there is lim-
understand what it took to       mail addresses in order       ited detail but you can con-
get it up and running, so        that Alan Holmes could        tact some by email if you
the best I can do is hand        receive contributions for     wish. If you want your
you over to the aforemen-        this rag and suddenly the     email address adding then
tioned who has prepared          world became a smaller        just let me have the detail
this year’s leading article.     place. Even Alan’s on         and I will add it to the list.
                                 email now!
‘For a number of years                                         In order that we can keep
now I have been drawn            You will recall at last       up to date there is a form
into      the    internet        year’s dinner it was agreed   and a s.a.e. enclosed.
(steady...not what you           that we would look at run-    Please return it to me
think!). With two children       ning a website and a few      ASAP, along with the din-
who seem to have been            of you left me your email     ner form.
into IT since they were in       addresses.
the crib and a wife who                                        It’s YOUR website - I look
loves searching the auction      Well we’re up and running     forward to hearing from
sites      (check      out       now. Maybe not a lot to       you soon.’
www.ebay.co.uk), it is a         look at but things can only
wonder that I can ever get       get better (wasn’t that       Steve Watson
                                                                 bers of the public attended
POLICE DYNASTIES                                                 the funeral service at St.
                                                                 Peters Church, Drypool.
It is quite appropriate to      supported by press cuttings
move from the 21st century      and the occasional photo-        Harrison recorded every
along with its bewildering      graph, which convey fasci-       case in which he was in-
speed and sociology, to the     nating details of life as it     volved and commenced
late nineteenth century and     was then.                        this meticulous chore, be-
at the same time incorpo-                                        lieve it or not, on 2 Janu-
rate a part of the history of   It appears to us that he was     ary 1898, when he re-
the Hull City Police.           a very fastidious and con-       ported a local quarryman
                                scientious man who was           for possessing a rabbit un-
Harrison COCKSWORTH             determined to record the         der the Poaching Preven-
joined the West Riding          events in his career and his     tion Act. As a matter of
Constabulary on 29 No-          life. We do not know the         interest the case was dis-
vember 1897 and resigned        exact purpose he put him-        missed.
on 16 September 1898 to         self to this trouble; maybe
join the Hull City Police.      it was for the benefit of his    We all have to start some-
                                children and grandchildren       where. There follows rou-
He was sworn in to our old      to come, or maybe it was         tine entries regarding
force on 18 October 1900.       because he realised then         drunkenness, prostitution,
It is doubtful if it ever       that there really is no sub-     road traffic offences etc.
crossed his mind in those       stitute in history for the       until his arrival in King-
frugal days that he was to      actual eye witness testi-        ston upon Hull.
start a police dynasty that,    mony. As producers of a
so far, has spanned over        police related newsletter it     Similar recordings of those
100 years and remains un-       is nice to believe the latter,   transgressing the law in
broken.                         though clearly he loved his      this city followed, but a
                                family.                          surprising amount of vari-
His son, of course, was the                                      ety is revealed, e.g. 16
late James, former Assis-       Harrison was promoted to         May 1901 – George
tant Chief Constable of         sergeant on 20 October           BOYES, Hessle Avenue,
Humberside, his grandson        1907, sub inspector on 12        Dansom Lane, arrested for
is a member of our organi-      March 1913, full inspector       attempting to break and
sation Alan, who retired        on 4 October 1916 and Su-        enter the lock up shop on
with the rank of inspector,     perintendent on 30 March         Queens Dock Side.
and Alan’s son, Alan, who       1922. He retired in 1927         BOYES received 3 months
is currently serving as a       and died a few months            hard labour.
sergeant at Bransholme.         later.
                                                                 It is of significance that the
 The reason why we are so       His obituary in the Hull         author, whilst starting the
privileged to share the his-    Daily Mail described him         diaries with the clear in-
toric details of Harrison       as ‘a police officer whose       tention of recording all his
COCKSWORTH’s life               geniality and tact had won       cases, enlarged his com-
and career is the existence     him the great respect of a       mitment by recording im-
of a remarkable set of per-     large number of the popu-        portant events, which af-
sonal diaries, which have       lace’ and reported that a        fected the force. In July
been passed down the gen-       large number of police of-       1903, he recorded the pro-
erations. The diaries are       ficers, civilians and mem-       motion to Inspector of Ser-

                                              2
geants SEWELL and               Such extracts may or may         viewing a young toe-rag. It
BURTON and the promo-           not be of interest to our        gradually dawns on me
tion to sergeant of consta-     members, but extracts            that he is interviewing him
bles KILVINGTON and             from some of our mem-            about a theft and it sounds
GOODRUM. On 1 Octo-             bers’ diaries probably           like the theft of a bicycle.
ber 1903, the Chief Con-        would be.
stable Captain GURNEY                                            I draw him aside, “What
resigned from the force         Of course this presumes          are you doing?”
suffering from health prob-     that some of our members
lems after 17 years service     kept diaries in bygone           Mate, “I’ve locked him up
in that rank.                   years, or if they were not       for pinching a bike”
                                diaries, they were as good
His departure was marked        as diaries, if you know          “What bike?”
with a presentation, reports    what I mean. If anyone has
of which appeared in the        such documents in their          “The one outside”
local press. He was suc-        loft, it may be of interest to
ceeded by Major MAL-            try this. Any offers?            “There’s no bike outside”
COLM.
                                                                 He shoots out of the door,
On family matters, HAR-                                          cranes his neck this way
RISON recorded some of               FUNNIEST                    and that and then his
his outgoings in a separate                                      shoulders sag about a foot.
diary. In particular his note        MEMORY
regarding the purchase of                                        “Hang on” I shout, trying
suits for each of his three      SUMMARY JUSTICE                 to emulate The Loan
sons in July 1919, makes          HULL CITY STYLE                Ranger or something, and
interesting reading i.e..                                        tear back up the street. It
Oliver’s suit – £2.2s.          Picture a dark night, say        has recently stopped rain-
Harry’s suit - £2.2s Jim’s      somewhere in the Win-            ing and I can see two tyre
suit - £2.8s.                   colmlee area, not far from       tracks on the pavement,
                                a police box. I’m walking        side by side, disappearing
Rather than fill this year’s    towards the box, maybe           up the road.
issue with entries from         100 yards away when I
these treasures of history,     notice on the opposite           I gallop for what seems
watch this space in future.     pavement, walking to-            like a mile after the tracks
                                wards me, a man pushing          and come across a woman
EDITORS NOTE: I no-             two bicycles.                    pushing a pram.
ticed an intriguing new
series published in a na-       I’m a very green cop but         Back at the box.
tional magazine recently        even I thought it was a bit
whereby extracts from the       funny. I thought I would         Mate (to toe-rag) “We
diaries of famous people        just nip into the box, see-      have decided you are go-
appeared on the corre-          ing that there was a light       ing to get a formal caution
sponding date in the cur-       on and check with who-           for pinching this bike.
rent year e.g. on 1 June        ever was in there.               Don’t do it again.”
2002 several extracts were
included from the same          I open the box door and          Toe-Rag, “No sir, thank
date in previous years,         there sits my mate from          you Sir.”
such as 1780, 1939 etc.         the next beat closely inter-

                                              3
   WHERE ARE                   BLIND OBEDIENCE               “So it is possible that the
                                                             patient was alive when
   THEY NOW?                                                 you began the autopsy?”
                             Witness nods his head.
They are obviously some-                                     “No”
                             “Gary, all your responses
where where we don’t
                             must be oral. OK. What
know about because we                                        “How can you be so
                             school did you go to?”
have nothing to write                                        sure?”
about in this column this
                             “Oral”
year. Sorry.                                                 “Because his brain was in
                              ...AND NOTHING BUT             a jar on my desk.”
                                   THE TRUTH
                                                             “But could the patient
 PROSECUTORS                 “What did your husband          have been alive neverthe-
    TALES                    do before you divorced          less?”
                             him?”
   ADDRESSING THE                                            “It is possible that he
       COURT                 “A lot of things I didn’t       could have been alive and
                             know about”                     practicing law some-
“What gear were you in a                                     where”
the moment of the               …IS THE LOWEST
crash?”                          FORM OF WIT,                        GIVING THE
                                                                    COURT A LIFT
“Tracksuit bottoms and       “Do you recall the time
Reeboks”                     you examined the body?”         “All rise” court usher an-
                                                             nouncing the arrival of
    A ROSE BY ANY            “The autopsy started at         the judge in the court
     OTHER NAME              8.30 p.m.”                      hearing a civil claim
                                                             against the impotence
“What was the first thing    “And Mr DENNINGTON              d r u g      V i a g r a .
your husband said to you     was dead?”
when he woke up?”
                             “No, he was sitting up
“He said, ‘Where am I        wondering why I was do-                THE WAR
Kathy?’ ”                    ing an autopsy”                         YEARS
“And why did that upset        AND THE HIGHEST
                                                              We continue with extracts
you?”                         FORM OF VULGARITY
                                                             from the wartime maga-
                                                             zine Out of the Blue which
“My     name’s     Susan.”   “Doctor, before you per-
                                                             was sent to all members of
                             formed the autopsy, did
                                                             the Hull City Police serv-
PASSIVE ACCEPTANCE           you check for a pulse?”
                                                             ing abroad with the armed
                                                             forces.
“Are you sexually ac-        “No”
tive?”                                                        The following is an ex-
                             “Did you          check   for
                                                             tract from the issue of Sep-
“No. I just lie there.”      breathing?”
                                                             tember 1944.
                             “No”

                                           4
Under the heading,            casts when their short          Minutes have to be the
‘General Topics’:-            wave wireless set was not       most boring publication
                              wanted for other pur-           ever attempted, especially
“The annual report of the     poses.”                         when those who are in-
Hull City Joint Branch                                        volved use initials and ac-
Board of the Police Fed-      “B.S.M. WOOLVEN (A              ronyms all the time. Such
eration contains a mine of    Division) is now serving        as:- JP proposed that EN
information (sic) as to en-   with the India Command.         represent the JCP at the
deavour and achievement.                                      finance meeting of the
                              ‘Out here’ he declares,         combined ERGB at CH.
Increases in special duty     ‘one cannot step straight       FR suggested that IS
pay and permission for        into a bath of cold water.      would be better placed as
station sergeants to wear a   It’s a case of waiting for it   she also had knowledge of
crown above their stripes     to cool off. In spite of the    JRC and CMM policy in
to distinguish them from      heat and the various aro-       addition to JCP. TTFN.
section sergeants have        mas which every Indian
been among the conces-        town or village possess, we     What the bl…………
sions but pressure for the    are fit.
abolition of one shilling a                                   Bets are that 90% of read-
day stoppage during sick-     We play football in about       ers not directly involved
ness and for other altera-    100 degrees in the shade        would never read another
tions of existing practices   (there is no shade) and it      word and probably 100%
has not met with the same     makes me wonder why,            of those that were in-
measure of success.”          but it’s good exercise.”        volved.

Under the heading,            “Mrs ROBINSON of De             Nevertheless, sad though it
‘Parade Room Whispers’:-      La Pole Avenue informs          may be, committees do
                              us that her son, ex T.O.        have a role to play in the
“Fresh from the French        Leonard ROBINSON is             running and organisation
battlefront, PC 69            now a prisoner of war in        of many things. Imagine
D.WILSON (Western)            German hands at Stalag          attempting to run the Hull
popped in for a short chat    Luft 6. He had to bale out      City Police Old Comrades
the other day while he was    of his aircraft but appar-      Association (HCPOCA)
at home on compassionate      ently landed safely.”           on decisions reached at the
leave.                                                        annual dinner? (AGM)
                                                              Even the secretary Steve
Now serving with the                                          WATSON (SW) would go
Royal Artillery, he has             THE                       grey. Well maybe not.
been in the thick of the                                      (MN)
fighting around Gace and         COMMITTEE
Caen since D Day plus 23.                                     The point of this rambling
                              If you are remotely like        soliloquy is approaching.
They have been travelling     most of us, you became
so fast that none of their    mesmerised by minutes           It is the opinion of many
mail has been able to         and reports from this com-      that committee members
catch up with them and        mittee or the other whilst      should stand down after a
their only link with the      we are serving police offi-     given period, thus ensuring
outside world has been        cers.                           that fresh ideas and a fresh
occasional BBC broad-                                         overview is maintained.

                                           5
There is little argument
against this, because there
                                     RETIREMENT 1959 STYLE
is no doubt that people be-
come comfortable in their
own environment, which is
not always a good thing
for the organisation.

Consider that 75% of our
committee have served for
at least 3 years and some a
lot longer. As a general
rule that is bad news and
all members have indi-
cated that they are willing
to step down to create va-
cancies.
                                The above photograph shows the retirement presenta-
Of course there are prob-       tion to PS 33 John Anderson at the Hull City Police
lems associated with            Headquarters, Queens Gardens in November 1959.
change. Our secretary, for
instance, has skills which,     Standing left to right:          Seated left to right:
when taken with other
matters, is just about indis-   PS John Dobson                   PS Frank Denton
pensable. There are others      PS John Grant                    PS John Anderson
who would need to be re-        PS Dave Wilson                   Supt. Jack Hallett
placed by people with ex-       Insp. Jack Etherington
perience in certain roles.      Insp. Alf Foster
                                PS Albert Hall
Whilst it is a standing joke    PS Walt Jennison
at the Annual General           PS Gordon Whitworth
Meeting to hear slurred         Insp Joe Bessant
chants of ‘re-election’ you
have been warned that this
year the matter must be           OGGY’S SLOT                 troops and special police
approached seriously.                                         units guard our airports.
                                 WAR, TERRORISM
STOP PRESS: At the time          AND POLICING 2003            What has this to do with
of going to print, confir-                                    policing but more impor-
mation has been received        By the time that this news-   tantly this newsletter
that at least one member of     letter is published Britain   whose readers are now
the committee will be           and America may be or         mainly retired officers?
standing down. There are        may have been at war with
likely to be others. Volun-     Iraq.                         I hope that it makes us all
teers are urgently re-                                        think of the demands on
quested.                        At the same time the threat   the police service today
                                from international terror-    that were not perhaps as
                                ists linked to Al-Queda is    great as when we were
                                high as tanks, armed          serving.

                                             6
Let us look at the city we      Iceland with significant        tive’ a day coming out of
all served in. 13 wards are     loss of life. All the fisher-   government, the interna-
amongst the most deprived       men were from the city.         tional situation and high
areas in the North of Eng-      Everybody knew some-            number of probationers be-
land. As a consequence of       body who had lost their         cause of retirements, then
that, linked again to the       lives in those disasters.       our 21st Century colleagues
international situation, the                                    have quite a job on.
supply and availability of      In 2003 there is not an es-
Class A drugs is causing        tate or street in the city      We all reflect on how it was
intense misery despite the      where somebody does not         for us because we were
efforts of our serving col-     of someone who died as a        proud of our service. I hope
leagues.                        result of drugs. The cause      that the young officers serv-
                                is not as noble and as a        ing today are as proud, but
I will be retiring at the end   statistic it is never pub-      the next time we want to be
of April from my post as        lished but one appreciates      critical just pause for a sec-
Senior Drug Action Team         perhaps the demands on          ond and reflect.
Co-ordinator for the East       the police and others in
Riding and Hull. One of         trying to deal with it.         Geoff Ogden
the sadder responsibilities
I have had has been to          Most of the heroin causing
carefully review all drug       the deaths originated from
related deaths.                 Afghanistan where we
                                fought another war less            OBITUARIES
I have completed about          than a year ago.
180 reviews since autumn                                        We deeply regret to an-
1997. The average age of        In the previous gulf war in     nounce the deaths of the
those who died is 24 but        1991 thousands of Kurds         following ex members of
when reviewing when they        from Iraq were displaced.       the Hull City Police and
first became involved in        Many became asylum              extend our sincere sympa-
drugs and I refer to class      seekers and now live in         thies to surviving friends
‘A’ substances it was in        Hull alongside Kosovans         and relatives.
early adolescence when          from the continuing trou-
some other social issue in      bles and ethnic cleansing       Once again we must
their young life triggered      policies in the Balkans.        apologise if we have
it. Heroin is a pain killer                                     missed the demise of any
for physical and mental         Some 3000-asylum seek-          other ex members.
pain.                           ers now live in the city we
                                policed, but unlike the set-    John SHAW
Think about it. Many read-      tlement of refugees from        David DALRYMPLE
ers joined the police well      previous wars closer to our     Roy HANNAM
before me but even when I       time, they have not been        Lawrence HARVEY
joined in 1962 despite be-      welcomed, placing another       Leonard BARKER (ACC)
ing 21/22 years after the       burden on Humberside Po-        David McLEAN
blitz everybody in Hull         lice.                           Jack KETLEY
knew somebody who had                                           Peter SMITH
died in the German attacks      Add to that increases in        Tony WELDON
on the city. In the early       crime, paperwork to process     Charles(Chuck) ALLMAN
1970’s three trawlers sank      offenders (not the fault of     David WARD
in appalling weather off        the police) a ‘crime initia-    Brian SERGEANT

                                             7
  RETIREMENTS                sage that lives are de-       lowing the acquittal of
                             stroyed by addiction”         Harold BROWN, butler to
Steve SOUTHARD               Estelle MORRIS, former        Prince Charles.
Lyndis JOHNS                 Education Secretary an-
Gordon CLARK                 nouncing that a brutal film   “Members of the legal
                             showing the emaciated         profession use loop-
                             dead body of a young girl     holes to delay justice,
       QUOTES                will be shown to school-      increase the chances
                             children.
                                                           of guilty criminals be-
“The trouble with the                                      ing unfairly acquitted
world today is that all      “Then I remembered
                             how I got myself into         and in the process line
the stupid people are                                      their own pockets at
cocksure and all the         this mess in the first
                             place and quickly put         the public’s expense”
intelligent people are                                      – amazing revelation by
full of doubt.”              them down again”              the Audit Commission in
Bertrand RUSSELL               - young lady describing     June 2002.
                             relaxation exercises at an
                             ante-natal clinic during
“When I was 15, I                                          “We will look back in
                             which she was advised to
bought five oranges          lie down and put her legs     ten or twenty years
for a shilling and sold      over her head.                time and remember
them for two shillings.                                    that this was the day
I took the two shil-         “Sometimes          the       we got it wrong”
lings and bought six         ‘majority’ means that          - Kate HOOEY, Labour
apples and sold them         all the fools are on the      MP commenting on the
                                                           reclassification of canna-
for four shillings. I        same side”
                                                           bis.
spent ten years doing        anon
this and at the end of                                     “I will not dance with
that time I was still        “August”
                              – The Duke of Edinburgh      you for three reasons.
skint. Then my wife’s                                      One – you are drunk.
                             when asked what he was
father died and left         looking forward to most       Two – the music you
her ten million quid.”       about the Jubilee celebra-    can hear is the Peru-
 - a multi millionaire re-   tions in June and July        vian National An-
plying to a question on      2002.
how he made his money.                                     them. Three – I am
                             “THE BUTLER DID-              the Archbishop of the
“Smiles are to human-        N’T DO IT”                    Peruvian Church”
ity what sunshine is to                                     – alleged response to an
                             - Tabloid headline follow-
                                                           invitation from the late
flowers”                     ing the acquittal of Paul
                                                           Lord George BROWN
anon                         BURRELL, butler to the
                             late Princess Diana.
                                                           “The only time this
“Pupils are receiving
factual information          “THE OTHER BUT-               navigator is certain of
                             LER DIDN’T DO IT”             where he is going is
about drugs without
also getting the mes-        – Tabloid headline fol-       when he has just

                                         8
taken a laxative”                          JUST ANOTHER DAY
 - exert from Royal Navy                  AT THE OFFICE DEAR
appraisal report.
                               The above photograph shows a record of a Hull City Po-
“Lord WOOLF is ob-             lice CID day out at the Carlsberg Brewery at Goole some-
sessed with the mean-          time in the early 1960’s. It is another photograph over
                               which you can spend an hour trying to put names to the
ing of the word rights         faces. Picture courtesy of Mick FOWLER, which might
and has no conception          give you a clue as to who one of them is.
of the meaning of the
word RIGHT”                       LETTERS                    Dear Steve
Simon HEFFER, Mail col-
umnist                         TO THE EDITOR                 Regarding last year’s
                                                             Newsletter. I thought Jeff
“The two most signifi-         Readers who still retain      MELHUISH’s letter was
                               the power of memory, may      very interesting. I do think
cant legacies left to the      remember that in the last
world by the British                                         that he misses one of the
                               Newsletter we published a     points of the annual din-
Empire are Associa-            letter from Jeff MELHU-       ner. Maybe he took too
tion Football and the          ISH.                          many punches to the head
expression **** Off.”                                        during his boxing days, not
Quote from the Channel         More advanced memory          that I landed many when I
Four TV series EMPIRE.         students, who may remem-      was his cadet in M.O. and
                               ber some detail of it, will   Stats, when he beat me up
“A SPACE OF WASTE”             recall that Jeff expressed    regularly.
Unusually witty headline in    his shyness at attending
the Hull Daily Mail describ-   the annual dinner because     I am not into my sixties
ing how an unused site near    he is an old man and didn’t   yet, as quite a lot of us
Pocklington was being util-    want anybody else to          aren’t, but most impor-
ised as a recycling plant.     know about it. Something      tantly, it’s interesting to
                               along those lines anyway.     find out what people are
                               We have some responses.

                                           9
doing now and meeting up        Maybe the second writer        Dear Editor
with old friends.               has a point – just consider
                                this age old proverb………        I found the story of the
I agree that past memories      “There is one disadvan-        power cuts and fog in last
are remembered (as hap-         tage that the thinker suf-     year’s issue very interest-
pens when you meet old          fers. Whilst he is taking an   ing and memory jerking.
friends) but wouldn’t Jeff      enlarged and rational view
like to know what I am          of the matter before him,      Though I could not match
doing now? I’d certainly        he lets opportunity slip       the dramatic story set out,
like to see him again and       through his fingers.” And      I can confirm that such
find out how he is doing.       there the matter rests……..     nights did exist. I was
                                until the next annual din-     never afraid of the dark but
Yours sincerely                 ner/Newsletter.                I have to say that the unre-
                                                               ality and eerie world cre-
George Hodges                   Dear Alan                      ated by that damned fog
                                                               certainly had me jumping
And one in similar mode,        Just a little postscript to    about a bit.
though perhaps more di-         the story of the nine halves
rect, from a well wisher        in Little Neppy. After the     I also remember them with
who prefers anonymity. (I       ten halves, I staggered out    a particularly malicious
know who it is though be-       of the pub and caught a        glee, for those were the
cause I recognised the          trolley bus into the town.     times when I got my own
writing)                                                       back on a rather nasty sec-
                                The conductress awakened       tion sergeant.
                                me when we reached City
Melhuish, you prat.             Square who asked me            Yours (Name and address
                                where I was going. I got       supplied)
Get you’re a*** to the an-      off.
nual dinner. What’s matter
with you, you daft old s**.     I remember bumping into                SPORT
                                several shop windows as I
If you are short of a couple    made my unsteady way           We ran out of sports sto-
of quid we will have a          across the gardens. I got      ries about a couple of
whip round for you. If its      my cycle from the station      years ago, thanks to the
too much thinking that’s        and rode it to my lodgings     deteriorating memories of
stopping you, and you al-       on Spring Bank West.           participants in some activi-
ways were too much of a                                        ties, which we won’t go
thinker, take a pill or         About 6.o p.m. my land-        into again. (But it is an ap-
something.                      lady woke me and asked         propriate slot to send
                                what time I was back at        Frank STOREY our fond-
Regards                         work. I remember little of     est regards and hopes that
                                the rest of the day, but I     his health recovers
                                did complete my duty. I
A N Other                       think.
                                                               quickly)

                                                               Thankfully, because sport
                                Yours sincerely                is an important part of life,
There’s not a lot you can
say after that is there Jeff?                                  it has been raised again.
                                Ron Withell

                                            10
                                                                We chatted before going
         ANNUAL INSPECTION                                      out and he told me that last
                                                                time he had played he had
                                                                shot an eagle at the 16th. I
                                                                was about to tell him that
                                                                they were an endangered
                                                                species when something
                                                                told me to keep quiet.

                                                                Mind you, anything was an
                                                                endangered species within
                                                                200 yards of the course
                                                                when I started. I found the
                                                                ornithological terminology
                                                                particularly appropriate
                                                                considering the number of
                                                                birdies I disturbed in the
                                                                treesies. I did manage a
Arthur Robinson star of H.M. Inspection, Corporation            two over par at one hole.
                 Field, early 1960s                             The word for it sounds like
                                                                someone with a heavy
                                                                cold.
We are grateful to our cor-       PAR FOR THE
respondent for sending us                                       My partner was a golf
the following short story,          COURSE                      snob. He quickly realised
which will be instantly                                         that he was not going to
recognisable, especially by     As a self confessed failure     get much help from me,
those of you who took up        at jogging and swimming,        and as the two constables
golf in your later years,       it was suggested I take up      who were opposing us
becoming perplexed by the       golf. Relaxation, exercise      were not in the least career
language, terminology,          and improve my promo-           minded, defeat stared him
rules and customs of the        tion chances. Hmmmmm.           in the face from the first
sport.                                                          tee. He told me that I was
                                 I certainly exercised, but     disgrace and not fit to be
(In some golf circles the       how can anyone suggest          on a golf course. I retorted
latter activities are collec-   that golf is relaxing. As for   that it was his fault as he
tively referred to as           my        promotion             shouldn’t have parked his
‘etiquette’.                    chances………….                    car so close to the tee.

This a French word              It was not my intention to      I soon learned the meaning
roughly meaning ‘how to         enter the competition, but      of the word ‘fore’ when
behave in the company of        my friend thought he was        the other three shouted it
royalty ’ – enough said)        doing me a favour. I found      just before my ball hit me
                                myself shaking hands with       in the teeth as it came back
Apologies are due to the        a Chief Superintendent,         from a tree. As time went
original author because         famous for his ample sense      on I got into the habit of
we have had to cut it           of humour and narrow            shouting it every time I
down a bit.                     girth. I think it was that      swung my club.
                                way round.

                                             11
Golf is a terrible temptress.    dies tee. Somehow I man-        cers probably the main
Because one of your 140          aged to keep the ball on        thing our members have in
shots is OK, you convince        the fairway for two holes       common is that a fair per-
yourself that the ability is     in succession. I thought        centage of us are grandpar-
there. I tried to ingratiate     my partner was going to         ents.
myself with my senior col-       actually speak to me but
league by consulting him         then the ball rolled into a     With that in mind we
on club selection. ‘Let me       bunker.                         thought you might be inter-
see’ he pondered, ‘160                                           ested in this little collection
yards, slight uphill, trees to   Golf is hard work. Your         of gems that we are told are
the right, bunkers to the        card may show a hole as         all true.
left – try a five iron’          400 yards, but it is well
                                 over a mile in zig-zags.              PERCEPTION
Whack.                           And Buggies are no use.
                                 They cannot be used as          “I’ve been to see Father
In the ensuing silence I         submarines, nor can they        Christmas, Grandma.”
considered which was the         climb trees. Equipment too
best club to hit the ball 170    is expensive.                   “That’s nice, which one
yards out of a gorse bush                                        did you go to see?”
to the green. At the fourth,     My wife bought me a
it dawned on me that trees       glove, obviously recognis-       (Meaning Hammonds,
and water have a magnetic        ing my lack of commit-          Alders etc – what a stupid
property on a golf course.       ment by failing to pur-         question to ask a three
Balls dive lemming like          chase the pair. And despite     years old?)
into the nearest brook,          carrying my bag all those
river or lake.                   miles, it really contained      Grimace followed by a
                                 no useful equipment, like a     sigh.
If they fail to find water       spade, scythe, chainsaw or      “The red one”
they hurl themselves into a      SCUBA equipment.
tree. One intriguing slice        ‘Keep your bloody head               CONSIDERED
took me into a small             still’ my partner kept                 AMBITION
copse. I gave it everything      shouting. Not likely. Not
I had and the result was         when there’s a tree near        “Grandad. I think I am
spectacular. In an action        by.                             going to be a doctor or a
packed 10 seconds, it hit                                        nurse when I grow up”
seven trees and a squirrel       Anyway, how can you tell
before coming to rest at         where your ball leaves the      “That’s nice”
my feet.                         course if you don’t lift
                                 your head to watch it?          Pause.
Part of my problem was
that I hate people watching      I prefer gardening.             “But I might be a teacher”
me. They stand there and
six air shots and three re-                                      “That’s very nice”
placed pieces of turf later,
they maintain deadpan               THE THINGS                   Far away look for two
faces whilst you advance                                         minutes.
15 yards and attempt to              KIDS SAY
play your next shot out of                                       “Grandad, do teachers
a litter bin near to the la-     Next to being ex police offi-   have to know everything?”

                                              12
“Well, I suppose so dar-      “Tom would lend me his         another thing though
ling”                         bicycle”                       which occurred to me
                                                             when I was thinking about
Long pause.                                                  the forthcoming night du-
                               MEMORIES OF                   ties. Unusually, there was
“Grandad. I think I am                                       a series of housebreaking
going to be a lollipop           POLICE                      offences being committed
lady”                           STATIONS                     in The Dukeries area. Most
                                                             were almost certainly com-
                               GORDON STREET                 mitted during the night and
        WISDOM                                               were therefore, even then,
                                A NASTY TWIST IN             regarded as burglaries.
“How many spiders can               THE TAIL
you see on the shed win-                                     You will all know this
dow?”                         My fortnight nights was        quite pleasant area of Hull,
                              looming next week. Not a       with its rows of two up
Intense concentration re-     happy thought. I wonder        two down little terrace
vealed by furrowed            which sadist dreamed up        houses, which were decep-
brow……….. long pause.         the system of working two      tively spacious inside, and
                              successive weeks on nights     were all linked by a series
“One…….two……er…….a            simply to change your su-      of alleyways running along
ll of them”                   pervision. Why not two         the backs. You can’t call
                              weeks early turn for good-     them tenfoots as they only
                              ness sake?                     measured about 48 inches,
 EDUCATED PALETTE                                            just about enough room for
                              Maybe not, thinking about      the dustmen, as they were
Offered curry for the first   it.                            then known, to manoeuvre
time.                         It didn’t help that I was      the bins in and out. The
Sour pulled face….            currently serving my time      housebreakings (about 15
                              on the graveyard patch,        so far in the Belvoir, Blen-
“That’s congusting”           literally. Chanterlands        heim, Thoresby Street ar-
                              Avenue, Spring Bank            eas) were being achieved
                              West, Princes Avenue and,      by forcing the rear sash
 LATERAL THINKING             I think, Victoria Avenue       type windows to gain entry
                              bordered seventeen and         and then and climbing
“If wheels were square,       eighteen beats on nights.      through.
what would happen?”
                              Nothing moved after mid-       It didn’t take a genius to
Quick as a flash,             night except taxis and the     work out that the villain
                              odd student falling down       knew his way round and
“We could use them as         on a Saturday night. There     was either travelling on
windows”                      were no late night restau-     foot or with a bicycle. It
                              rants in student land that’s   was equally obvious that
“No, I meant what would       for sure.                      the burglar only briefly
happen to your bicycle?”                                     touched the streets, being
                              Still I had my long week-      able to utilise the alleys to
 Long pause……….. sev-         end still to come and, at      criss cross the whole patch
eral grimaces………              least, I had two nights off    at will.
                              in the middle. There was

                                          13
He was only taking cash       ther burglaries, all com-      car, with its blue light
from the houses, which        mitted during Tuesday          flashing, screaming round
made it even more diffi-      night/Wednesday morning,       the corner into Welbeck
cult. Oddly though, on at     two in Blenheim Street         Street.
least two occasions, he had   and one in Belvoir. We’re
dropped some of his haul      still in business then. I      Pedalling furiously I came
and it was noted that the     spent virtually the whole      across it parked half way
currency notes had been       night riding up and down       up. Man disturbed – de-
folded by the burglar in      the streets, walking my        scription obtained – pedal
quite a distinctive manner.   bike or just standing in a     off again to search the
Something to think about      shop doorway. I saw the        area. When I make my
during a stop and search.     scabby dog again. Unbe-        ring I am told by the sta-
                              lievably there were two        tion sergeant, Gordon
Quite good the intelligence   more jobs done that night.     PEAM to remember that
system in Hull City wasn’t                                   he usually does more than
it?                           Right. It’s Thursday night     one in a night.
                              and I’m going to give it a
I have to be honest. By the   good go. A word with Len       Adrenaline flowing, I re-
time I reached the old P.A.   SEIGE, my sergeant, a          assess my plan and now
box, rats and all, at 9.45    good old stick in my opin-     ride my bike down the al-
p.m. on the Monday fol-       ion and I’m off to spend       leys, turning my lights off.
lowing I had almost for-      the complete night camp-       All is going reasonably
gotten all about it. Settle   ing in The Dukeries. We        well and I am covering
down to the old grind lad,    had not quite reached the      quite a lot of ground
pedal your bike round, try    stage of putting civvy         quickly. Good. I’ll just
up the property, once be-     jackets or coats on whilst     whip down this one off
fore grub, once after, keep   working our beats in those     Thoresby Street because I
your eyes and ears open…      days, but at least he knew     know I can get through to
that sort of thing.           and approved that I would      Welbeck. Of course, there
                              not be making my points.       are junctions in these al-
Of course, it did come to     Full of enthusiasm, I set      leys and it is very dark.
mind that a housebreaker      off like Dick BARTON. I
was active, but I noted       planned to leave my bike       I was just passing the junc-
from the DCI that there       somewhere and walk the         tion when I caught move-
had been no more offences     alleys.                        ment in my eye corner. I
over the weekend.                                            was so startled that I tried
                              When I reached the patch,      to turn towards the move-
After the pubs closed at      I couldn’t find anywhere       ment without braking first
10.0 p.m. I think I saw one   safe to leave it, so I began   and collided with a shed
scabby dog, two milkmen       walking with it. Not a         wall on the corner. As I
and the baker who made        good idea. Too narrow. I       scrambled around, looking
me a cup of tea about 4.30    kept bumping into things.      very undignified, my hel-
a.m. And it was raining.      Younger members may not        met askew, I shone my
                              appreciate this, but of        torch at the spot.
Come Tuesday night, still     course, I did not have a
no further burglaries.        radio and, whilst clumsily     There stood a young cou-
                              bashing my way out of an       ple and the lady was hast-
When I came on Wednes-        alley in Hardwick Street I     ily pulling up her knickers.
day there were three fur-     was stunned by a police        She looked even more un-

                                          14
dignified than I did. I         folded in a particular way.     A wretch of shock went
mumbled something and           We had got him.                 through me, but I didn’t
staggered away dragging                                         move an inch, or should I
my bloody bike behind           I was about five yards from     say that my body didn’t
me. It did not occur to me      him in the half light pro-      move an inch. My heart
until I was half way down       vided by the street lamps. I    was beating ten to the
the next street that it was a   saw his face when he was        dozen and I felt hellishly
perfect cover for a burglar,    handcuffed and he looked        nervous. In fact, for the
but I comforted myself          straight at me. He was an off   first time in my detective
with the thought that they      duty serving police officer     career I felt damned fright-
had hardly had any time to      from my division.               ened.
assume the position in
which I came across them.       CENTRAL DIVISION                It was early on a wet and
Cold comfort really.                                            dreary November evening
                                  IN LOVING MEMORY              and the pub had yet to get
By the next night of course                                     busy. In fact, apart from
I couldn’t get anywhere         It is quite the British pas-    the not to trusted barman
near the area for plain-        time to engage in recording     and the villain threatening
clothes cops so my nose         within memory where you         me, there was no-one else
was pushed out. In any          were and what you were do-      in the place.
event, there were no fur-       ing at the time of momen-
ther burglaries for the next    tous National or Interna-       Now I had before me a
four or five nights, which      tional events; the outbreak     professional criminal in his
included my two rest days.      of World War II, England        entire wild and threatening
Plainclothes observations       winning the world cup, the      mood with his unshaven
continued in a somewhat         coronation of Queen Eliza-      chin jutting out within
reduced fashion.                beth II and more recently,      inches of my face and his
 However, by late in the        the tragic death of Princess    hardened crew cut head
second week, more of-           Diana and the infamous          directly in front of me. My
fences were committed           September 11th. Ron SA-         common sense told me to
and the whole thing started     GAR sent us this little gem.    move back but I was just
again. Come my last night                                       inside the pub door with
and I am on the fringes of      I was looking into a hard-      my back pressed against
the area, not wishing to        ened, brutally hostile face     the closed door. I would
obstruct the operation          and I was wishing to God        need to move forwards in
when a flying police vehi-      that when I left Central I      order to open it.
cle once again passed me.       had taken some one with me
This time it was the dog        instead of choosing to visit    My limited experience told
van.                            the Earl De Grey alone. I       me that fear attacks people
                                had no particular need to go    in different ways. Some
I followed it down Belvoir      and now, immediately upon       become very quiet. Some
Street and about five min-      my arrival, I was in deep       chatter incessantly. Some
utes later I was present        trouble.                        just tremble.
when the dog man brought
a man out of an alley. De-      “Get out. You’ll get no fur-    That evening I became
tectives immediately sur-       ther. I know who you are,”      very quiet. I became
rounded him and I heard a       he said in his menacing         briefly very excited too,
triumphant shout when a         Scottish tongue.                and I trembled, especially
currency note was found                                         when I caught sight of the

                                            15
villain’s cap, particularly    but I recognised him at        with a quick turn of his
the peak, for there, in-       once. DC Dick SMITH, of        head or give me a vicious
serted into the edge of the    the Modus Operandi De-         head butt at the slightest
peak were three razor          partment had warned me         provocation.
blades, each one protrud-      about his violence several
ing about half an inch and     times in the past.             I had seen the result of
directly into my face.                                        such action once before
                               Now I was confronted by        when a man from Hull Fair
I was facing, for the first    the villain himself and for    was slashed and lost part
time, the dreaded Billy        several seconds I was at a     his nose by a razor wound-
KEOGH, a hard nut with         loss to know what to do        ing. Now without having
the reputation for extreme     about my predicament. My       time to think, I decided on
violence and hatred of         enthusiasm had taken me        the spur of the moment
coppers of a kind I had        to the pub just to see what    that absolute passivity was
never before encountered.      clientele was there and        the only positive response.
                               KEOGH was not someone
Some said that the ravages     I expected to see. I’d heard   KEOGH, drunk with
of puberty, when he was        that he was back in Glas-      power and his ability to
subjected to a particularly    gow but I was mistaken.        slash my face gave me no
wicked indecent assault,                                      alternative, but there I
had attacked his mind and      It bemuses me to this day      stood, passive in body but
never left him. Over the       how and why I chose to go      not in mind.
years, in and out of prison,   to the Earl De Grey alone
he had cultivated a con-       to be at risk of any threat    Oh, how I wished that the
scious air of menace about     of violence, let alone         door behind me opened
him.                           someone as tough and as        outwards, then I could
                               bad tempered as KEOGH.         have pushed backwards
I was just about prepared      I glared at him, trying my     and give myself more
for the confrontation men-     utmost not to show the         space. The pub seemed
tally but certainly not        slightest sign of nerves,      airless and I could feel my
physically. He was much        but my throat was now          mind being drawn into a
tougher than me and            bone dry. The strong smell     sudden rush of violence.
plainly wanted me to push      of whisky on his breath
him out of the way.            was gushing into my nos-       ‘If you ever get the chance
                               trils and I was so close I     and you have no alterna-
I could see the foolish bar-   could see the hairs of his     tives, kick the bastards in
man smiling in the back-       nose and the pores of his      the privates’ was one piece
ground as he stood behind      temples. I noticed a slight    of advice I was given dur-
the bar and I could hear       twitch around his left eye     ing my two years as a pro-
the macaw that always          too and his bloodshot eyes     bationary constable.
perched on the bar,            were full of blind fury.
squawking excitedly. I                                        Dare I risk it?
don’t know if it was the       The razor blades glistened
macaw called Chi Chi or        against the light in the       I was well within range to
her mate Ringo.                glass panel in the door be-    do just that but really I was
                               hind me and I could not        too close to KEOGH and,
My mind was spinning. I        help but believe that KE-      with my back to the door, I
knew of KEOGH. I had           OGH was ready to either        was unable to get my leg
not set eyes on him before     slash me across the face       back enough to get a good

                                           16
swing at him. My knee up       The barman slyly made it a       I went to the door.
at him was a possibility       double but, unheeded, I
but I doubted I would be       only paid for a single. KE-      Moments later I was
quick enough.                  OGH gulped the double            breathing the cool evening
                               down in one go as if to          air and getting soaked by
I was scared, really scared,   show his tough man im-           the unremitting drizzle in
but, unintended, I suddenly    age. I bought a half shandy      Castle Street, my face in-
started laughing, a deep       but I could have done with       tact.
unnatural laugh, which         something much stronger.
burst out unconsciously,       I certainly needed it be-        I did not know it then but I
right from the pit of my       cause my mouth was still         was to see a lot of KE-
stomach. A gut reaction if     parched.                         OGH in the years ahead
ever there was one. I also                                      and he was to become a
felt as if I was about to      I had an odd feeling of stu-     good friend, professionally
vomit, but I didn’t. My        pendous relief and the           speaking, as Alan
laughter lasted only about     remnants of fear about me,       CROSHER, will verify.
two or three uncontrolled      compounded by KEOGH’s
seconds but KEOGH              unpredictable mood and            When I returned to Cen-
stepped several paces          the cold, tense atmosphere       tral I learned the shattering
back, perhaps dumbstruck.      in the Earl de Grey that         news that President John F
                               evening. No-one else came        KENNEDY had been as-
“Got you scared didn’t         in.                              sassinated in Dallas,
I?” he said with a crooked                                      Texas.
smile.                         KEOGH stood at the bar,
                               brooding in silence, staring     It was 22 November 1963.
“Bloody got you scared.        at himself in the mirror
See you might be a cop but     behind the bar, his eyes         FOOTNOTE
you must give me respect.      completely expressionless.
My reputation is all about                                      Ringo, the macaw, was
respect. Don’t ever forget     The barman lit a cigarette,      brutally murdered after
that. Respect: do you under-   then rinsed some glasses         this incident by burglars
stand?”                        and dropped one, but apart       who ripped his head off.
                               from the clatter of break-       Apparently Chi Chi was
Relieved beyond belief,        ing glass, the place was         never the same again.
but now in danger of being     silent. I drank just enough      Ringo was buried under
eaten up with tension, I       of my drink to moisten my        the new Castle Street.
said,                          mouth. I felt that KEOGH
                               would soon return to his
“Come on KEOGH, have a         vile mood so I decided to              CULTURE
drink.”                        leave.
                                                                      CORNER
“Whisky” he mumbled as         “See you sometime, KE-
he move to prop himself        OGH,” said I, trying to          Thank you for your contin-
up against the bar. Much       show some confidence and         ued interest in this section
to my surprise I sensed I      good cheer, and left. He         and the kind remarks ad-
had the better of him so,      ignored me, his eyes still       dressed to the contributors.
with just a touch of reluc-    gazing at himself in the         As a matter of interest, no
tance, I bought him a          m i r r or . T h e p a r r o t   one admitted to recognis-
whisky.                        squawked long and loud as        ing the sitter in the Rem-

                                            17
brandt painting published in
last year’s issue. The lengths
some people go to keep their
age secret.

The next book promised by
Ron SAGAR is still on the
stocks. We wait with bated
breath – I think that’s the
expression. You may or may
not know that this project
was held up by Ron’s illness
during the year. I am sure
you will all join us in hop-
ing that his recent improve-
ment continues apace.

We have two items this
year, firstly Bob CARMI-
CHAEL’s continuing story
of his adventures into the
world of art, and secondly, a    gold leaf. It is the work of   during the summer and
different kind of art – satyr.   a German artist named          made a point of visiting St.
                                 Henry IMMENKAMP,               Charles Church, where
Over to Bob.                     who studied at the Royal       some of the elders very
                                 Academy, Munich, and           kindly showed us their
       FROM THE                  eventually arrived at the      treasures and the work of
       SUBLIME…                  city of Hull in 1899 where     IMMENKAMP. A very
                                 he remained until 1913.        welcoming church with
Rose and I sometimes view                                       some beautiful art work.
a Sunday auction, which is       He specialised as a portrait   Well worth a visit.
held bi-monthly in the vil-      painter, and is best known
lage hall at Woodmansey,         for the mural paintings he           ….. TO THE
and it was there a few years     executed in St. Charles             RIDICULOUS
ago that we bought the           Church, Jarratt Street. He
painting illustrated below.      stayed in Hull until the       Quite recently I was glanc-
                                 clouds of war began to         ing through an auction
  THE ANNUNCIATION               gather and then, with oth-     catalogue specialising in
                                 ers of his Nationality hav-    architectural antiques and
When this picture (produced      ing business in the city,      fittings and was reminded
on this page) came up for        departed to his homeland       of a story related to me by
sale and was displayed by        where he died in 1936.         an old time constable. This
the porter, it caught the        The painting mentioned is      was when I was an inspec-
sunlight and there were          dated 1909 and is a very       tor at Central in the early
murmurs and gasps of ap-         interesting acquisition for    1970’s. The old copper
preciation from the crowded      us.                            was telling me how he had
audience. The picture is                                        served his time as a cabi-
very beautiful yet simplistic    We often visit the city cen-   net-maker and had contin-
involving the use of much        tre on Sunday mornings         ued to do odd jobs for

                                             18
friends, relatives and           So our craftsman set about     particularly ex police offi-
neighbours in his spare time.    this project and discovered    cers are self-taught politi-
                                 that the flap of the toilet    cians with strongly held
Apparently one day he was        seat he had rescued from       views we thought there
dispatched to the old Palace     the Palace would, after        would be no harm in pub-
Theatre in Carr Lane, which      suitable preparation, meet     lishing this cynical and
was being demolished by          every possible requirement     satirical view of the
Sam ALLON. As usual, the         as a base for the standard     world’s ideologies. And
metal thieves and aspiring       lamp. Then, proudly, hav-      we have added one of our
antique dealers had been         ing completed and French       own.
having a field day. Whilst       polished the two articles,
the site foremen was show-       he installed them in the       FASCISM : You have
ing him round and extolling      lady’s newly decorated         two cows. The government
his tale of woe, the officer’s   sitting room, took his pay-    takes both, hires you to
gaze fell upon a large Victo-    ment and departed with         take care of them and then
rian toilet seat with covering   her grateful thanks ringing    sells you the milk.
flap in the finest Honduras      in his ears.
mahogany, which was al-                                         PURE COMMUNISM :
most concealed beneath a         A few days later the lady      You have two cows. Your
pile of salvaged timber.         telephoned him rather ur-      neighbours take care of
                                 gently to say ‘The two arti-   them and you all share the
The seat was somewhat di-        cles are really most beauti-   milk.
shevelled and had obviously      fully done and fit in won-
seen a lot of service from       derfully with my décor.        DICTATORSHIP : You
generations of bad aimers.       But I can’t understand why     have two cows. The gov-
However, this did not deter      every time my poodle Ben       ernment takes both and
our craftsman, who, over-        goes into the room he          shoots you.
whelmed by the potential of      cocks his leg on the stan-
this piece of exotic timber,     dard lamp’ Well done Ben.      MILITARISM : You
promised the foreman his         What a wonderful sense of      have two cows. The gov-
undivided attention and fin-     purpose.                       ernment takes both and
ished up with the toilet seat                                   drafts you.
in the boot of his panda car.    Not particularly cultural I
                                 suppose, but true.             PURE DEMOCRACY :
The officer’s wife was not                                      You have 2 cows. Your
very much taken at all with      All for now, best wishes to    neighbours decide who
this acquisition, particularly   all.                           gets the milk.
in the summertime when the
heat got into his attic work-    Rose & Bob                     REPRESENTATIVE
shop and the smell which         Carmichael                     DEMOCRACY : You
drifted down the stairs sent                                    have 2 cows. Your
her scurrying for the laven-                                    neighbours pick someone
der. However, one day an                                        to tell you who gets the
elderly lady widow called            POLITICAL                  milk.
upon the officer and asked          IDEOLOGIES
him to make for her, a book-                                    AMERICAN DEMOC-
case and standard lamp in        As there is absolutely no      RACY : The government
the best mahogany he could       doubt at all that the major-   promises to give you 2
find.                            ity of police officers, and

                                             19
cows if you vote for them.    aged (but no less value to      broker instead.
After the election, the       society) bovines of un-
President is impeached for    specified gender.
speculating in cow futures.                                          BED REST
The Press dubs the affair     SURREALISM :           You
‘Cowgate’. The cow sues       have two giraffes. The          The patient says she has
for breach of contract.       government requires you         chest pains if she lays on
                              to take harmonica lessons.      her left side for over a
BRI TI SH     D EM OC-                                        year.
RACY : You have 2cows.        POLICE POLICY : You
You feed them sheep’s         have two cows producing
brains and they go mad.       milk on a steady basis.             DEAD CERTAIN
The government doesn’t        One is offered more
do anything.                  money and fringe benefits        The patient refused an au-
                              including a warm, safe in-      topsy.
EUROPEAN DEMOC-               side existence and makes it
RACY :        You have 2      responsible for equal op-
cows. At first the govern-    portunities and race rela-       PARTING COMPANY
ment regulates what you       tions. An official denies
can feed them and when        that milk production has         She claims that she has
you can milk them. Then it    suffered and claims that        had constipation most of
pays you not to milk them.    milk was far too difficult      her life until she got a di-
After that it takes both      to produce any way, and in      vorce.
shoots one and milks the      any case who cares?                    STRICT DIET
other, pouring the milk
down the drain. Then it                                        She had waffles for break-
requires you to fill in                                       fast and anorexia for
forms regarding the miss-                                     lunch.
ing cows.                             SMILE
                              Sadly, many of us are as-          WHAT’S NORMAL
CAPITALISM : You
                              sociated with the medical            ANYHOW?
have 2 cows. You sell one
                              aspects of life. It’s part of
and buy a bull.
                              growing old. Nevertheless,       She has two teenaged
                              judging from some com-          children but no other ab-
TOTALITARIANISM :
                              ments we received about         normalities.
You have 2 cows. The
                              medical quotes published
government takes both and
                              last year, we think most of
denies they ever existed.
                              you managed to raise a
Milk is banned.
                              smile.
                                                                  BOYS CLUB
                              Here are some more.                 OMISSION
POLITICAL           CO R -
RECTNESS:         You are                                     I am afraid the editor, the
associated with (the con-       MARKET ACTIVITY               committee and all those
cept of ownership is a                                        involved with the publica-
symbol of the phallocen-      He was supposed to attend       tion of the Newsletter
tric, warmongering, intol-    to have a bowel re-section      stand accused, convicted
erant past) two differently   but he got a job as a stock-    and condemned for the

                                           20
glaring omission from          as the Humberside Police          30 YEARS AGO
these columns of perhaps       Youth and Community
the most worthwhile off        Centre.                           COMMON ERROR?
duty interest in the history
of the Hull City Police.       Apart from being a highly         Britain joins the EEC.
And all of you out there       acclaimed base for boxing,
who have been involved in      its boasts a youth club,
this laudable objective        First Aid training, Com-           END OF HORROR
over the years must accept     munity Meetings, Keep Fit
collective responsibility      and many other commu-                Cease fire signed
for not reminding us of the    nity activities. It is cur-            in Vietnam.
fact.                          rently managed by Police
                               Constable David HOW-
In 1943, when the whole        ARTH, who is well known            ETERNAL STRIFE
population was reeling         for his selfless commit-
from the horrors of pro-       ment to the cause of young      Israeli fighters bring down
longed war, young boys         people’s well being.             a Libyan airliner with the
were ‘running wild due to                                           loss of 104 lives.
the absence of their fathers   Those of you who have
on war duty and the subse-     worked it out will realise      SPECIAL OCCASION?
quent break up of their        that this year is the Dia-
families’ according to a       mond anniversary of its           There were 27 sectarian
quote from a book written      origin and the golden anni-      murders in Belfast in the
by a famous Hull sports-       versary of its move to Elm       first two months of 1973.
man, Johnny WHITELEY.          Avenue. On Friday 2 May
It was then that the HULL      2003 the Chief Constable
CITY POLICE BOYS               of Humberside, Mr David                MAJORITY
CLUB was established in        WESTWOOD will open a                   DECISION?
East Hull. Ten years later     re-union evening at the
the club moved to its pre-     club, which will include a         A referendum held in
sent location in Elm Ave-      free buffet.                    Northern Ireland results in
nue, Garden Village,                                           591,820 people opting for
thanks to the philan-          There is also a possibility      links with Great Britain
thropism of the James          that the event may have a        and 6,463 for links with
Reckitt Charitable Trust.      royal guest. Past and cur-             the Republic.
                               rent members are expected
We are indebted to John        to attend and John
McNALLY, a serving             McNALLY is appealing               EXPLOSIVE COD
Chief Inspector with the       for anyone with old photo-
Humberside force for           graphs or anecdotes to          Icelandic patrol vessel fires
bringing this serious omis-    contact Dave HOWARTH             live shells across the bows
sion to our attention and      at the club.                        of a British Trawler.
also to promote an event
planned for the year 2003.     We record our sincere
John, who admits to hav-       apologies to John and              REVENUE TOOL
ing his features re-           Dave and anyone involved
arranged at the club in his    with the running of the         VAT introduced in Britain.
formative years, tells us      club for not featuring its
that the club is now known     activities in earlier issues.

                                            21
    IT WASN’T ME              old force disappeared in       Which member, taken to
                              the amalgamations. This        the venue by taxi and ac-
 President NIXON denies       means that only a handful      companied by a friend, had
 all knowledge of Water-      of serving police officers,    absolutely no idea where
           gate.              if that, will share the dis-   he was all evening? And
                              tinction of having served      who comes on a bike?
   SUBTERRANEAN               in the HULL CITY PO-
     ACCIDENT                 LICE.                          Is all the above down to
                                                             age or is it down to some-
18 miners killed in acci-     It is a very significant an-   thing they put in the
dent in Markham, Derby-       niversary because, let’s       gravy?
         shire.               face it, there is every pos-
                              sibility that it will be the   And talking of gravy, what
 HOLIDAY TRAGEDY              last.                          percentage of diners put
                                                             the correct sauce on their
50 holidaymakers killed in    The event will be held at      choice of main course?
fire at Summerland, Isle of   the Willerby Manor Hotel
           Man.               and is open to wives, hus-     Do the staff get used to us?
                              bands and partners. Ar-
  LONDON BOMBED               rangements are underway        Why do Chief Constables
                              to subsidise the event as      who write their memoirs
Bombs in London stations      much as our finances will      recall events differently
injure 13. IRA suspected.     allow.                         from the rest of us?

SHORTAGE OF JUICE              COME ON MAKE IT A             If today’s police service
                                HAPPY MEMORY                 got as many laughs out of
50 mph speed limit intro-                                    the green goddess crews as
 duced in Britain to pre-                                    we did in the nineteen sev-
serve oil stocks following    WHAT YOU ARE                   enties?
oil producers withdrawal
 of supplies as a result of    WONDERING                     How many ex drug squad
     Arab/Israeli war.                                       officers are there out there
                              If your committee should       who conscientiously trav-
 LONGER HOLIDAYS              consider employing a lost      elled to schools in the area
                              and found officer at the       in the 1970’s and 1980’s
Three day week in Britain     annual dinner considering      carrying the danger warn-
   during above crisis.       the amount of property         ing of drug misuse? Do
                              which required re-uniting      they remember being
                              with its owners the day        treated with contempt and
                              after the celebration?         scorn by some teachers,
ANNIVERSARY
                                                             intelligentsia and liberal
DINNER DANCE                  Which drunken old fool         elite for the wrong ap-
                              left home on the evening       proach? What would they
Please make an early entry    in question with one pen       say now about the govern-
in your diary for 3 April     and one pair of spectacles     ment’s new approach?
2004.                         and when he emptied his
                              suit the next morning had      When you read those ex-
You may remember that it      three pens and two pair of     tracts from ‘Out of the
will be 30 years since our    specs?                         Blue’ what exactly are you

                                          22
wondering? Who the hell       GOOD WISHES….                    epitomises the city of Hull,
wants another war?                                             its traditions and its char-
                              It occurred to us that on two    acter. The city is indebted
Which ill mannered, ill       occasions during the prepa-      to Pete for his work in
informed plebeian had the     ration of this issue, we         committing that sentiment
temerity to take the p***     seized the opportunity of        to music.
out of the royal game of      wishing members of our or-
golf? Is this Newsletter      ganisation a speedy recov-       He will be very sadly
becoming the mouthpiece       ery from illness.                missed and we send our
of the lower end of soci-                                      deepest sympathies to
ety?                          Of course, these two people      friends and family.
                              are reasonably regular con-
Can I afford to buy her a     tributors to this Newsletter
new dress for 3 April         and for that reason; their
2004?                         illnesses were brought to the       VISUAL
Was it wise to advertise      fore. We hope that you are
that new committee mem-                                        DEGENERATION
                              aware that we send our good
bers will be sought at the    wishes, and those of all our
next AGM?                                                      We have some very good
                              members, to those members        news for you lot out there.
                              and their families who are
How many members will         sick and/or in need of com-
resist going to the bar for                                    You may have thought for
                              fort.                            the last few years that your
drinks in case they get
elected in their absence?                                      eyesight has been deterio-
                              ........... AND SAD              rating at a faster than ac-
And who said that the         GOODBYES                         ceptable rate as you reach
above tactic will not                                          your dotage. Well in some
change the permanent hab-     It also occurred to us that      cases it might be, in fact in
its of members of his table   the editor tends not to com-     one or two it definitely is,
at the Willerby Manor?        ment on obituaries unless        judging by some pathetic
                              there is a direct and active     putting we have witnessed
How the launching of our      link to the Old Comrades         on various greens over the
very own website will af-     Association; Gerry SLA-          last two or three years.
fect the organisation?        TER for instance.       As a     (editor eat your heart out)
                              general rule, it is thought
How many of our mem-          that if obituaries are written   Well for most of you,
bers will be logging on and   up for one, then all should      things are not quite as bad
conversing with long for-     receive one.                     as you may have consid-
gotten beat bobbies living                                     ered because we have to
in foreign parts.             However there is always an       admit that the quality of
                              exception.                       reproductions of photo-
That perhaps the next time                                     graphs in our Newsletter
we are tempted to criticise   Pete SMITH was almost            has not been that brilliant.
today’s police service we     unique for a police officer.
all should reflect on         You may remember that he         We are trying to improve
Geoff’s advice?               achieved almost cult status      the situation and hope that
                              locally for his folk songs       by the time this issue is
                              about Hessle Road, the area      printed things may have
                              of his birth. Hessle Road        been resolved.

                                           23
                    ANNUAL
                    RE-UNION
                     DINNER
      TUESDAY 24 SEPTEMBER 2003
           (7.30PM FOR 8PM)
         WILLERBY MANOR HOTEL
          WELL LANE, WILLERBY

                SUPERB DINNER

              TWO FREE DRINKS

COMPLETE THE ENCLOSED FORMSAND RETURN IN THE
S.A.E. WITH YOUR CHEQUE (PAYABLE TO ‘HCPOCA’) FOR
                     £15 TO -

                    MR S WATSON
                      HCPOCA
                 1A REDLAND DRIVE
                     KIRK ELLA
                        HULL
                      HU10 7UE

               TELEPHONE 01482 653480


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                           24

				
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