English Proverbs and Oneliners
Proverbs and oneliners in the English Language . WHY ARE THERE A LOT OF AD ADVERTISEMENT ON THE SITE BECAUSE ADVERTISEMENT IS SO IMPORTANT IN MARKETING IF THEY ARE INTERESTED TO US ( This is just a truth of business do not misapprehend )
English proverbs and oneliners. • 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. 2B or not 2B? I think it's a grade of pencil. 3 nails + 1 cross = 4 given. 43% of all statistics are worthless. 668: The Neighbour of the Beast. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. 90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife. A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired. A bird does not sing because it has an answer -- it sings because it has a song. A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet." A brook would lose its song if God removed the rocks. A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. A budget is something we go without to stay within. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor. (African proverb) A camel is a horse designed by a committee. A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. A candle brightens the world around it. Unfortunately, it creates a shadow of its own. It still serves the purpose it is meant for. A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. A loving word may heal and bless. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?". "I didn't think I needed to," Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse." A child will perform from their mind for their coach/teacher, but for a parent they perform from their heart. A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark. (Chinese Proverb) A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A clergyman had just enjoyed a hearty chicken dinner at the home of a rural parishioner. Gazing out the window, he remarked: "That rooster seems a mighty proud and happy bird." "He should," the host replied. "His oldest son just entered the ministry." A closed mind is a good thing to lose. A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. (Chinese proverb) A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I. One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.." The Professor said "you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts." A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done. A compliment is a statement of an agreeable truth; flattery is the statement of an agreeable untruth. (Sir John A. MacDonald) A computer beat me at chess once. But, it was no match for me at kick boxing. A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A conference is a gathering of important people who individually can't do anything but together can decide that nothing can be done. A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago. A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals. A crisis is when you can't say: "let's forget the whole thing". • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A crumb from a winner's table is better than a feast from a loser's table! A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin." A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," … At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name." A dancer goes quick on her beautiful legs; a duck goes quack on her beautiful eggs. A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?" A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything. A dog inside a kennel barks at his fleas. A dog hunting does not notice them. A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show. A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. (Harvey Mackay) A drop of ink may make a million think. A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts. A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!" A face without freckles is like a sky without stars. A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience. (Elbert Hubbard) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A fair face may fade, but a beautiful soul last forever. A fall will always make a wise man wiser. (ancient Chinese) A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve. The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs. She asked what he was doing. He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Ma ! I think I'm having a wife." A farmer learns more from a bad harvest than a good one. A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be. A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President." A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked: "What happened to the flea?" A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. A five year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before. A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail." A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea "let us fly" said the fly" let us flee" so they flew through a flaw in the flue. A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked. "No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only." A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second. "And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third. Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!" A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you become, and still gently invites you to grow. A friend is someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room. A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight and walks beside you in the shadows. A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have. (Abraham Lincoln) A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked. A friend to all is a friend to none. A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." A gentle word, like summer rain, may soothe some heart and banish pain. What joy or sadness often springs, from just the simple little things! A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home! A giving church is a living church. A goal properly set is halfway reached. A goal without a plan is just a wish. A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble. (Charles H. Spurgeon) A good conscience is a soft pillow. A good example is the best sermon. A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up. A good friend sees the first tear, catches the second and stops the third. A good marriage is like a casserole: only those involved actually know what goes into it. A good school is a community where children learn to live first and foremost as children and not as future adults. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. (George Burns) A good way to change somebody's attitude is to change your own. A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. (William James) A guilty conscience needs no accuser. A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. (Hugh Downs) A happy person is one whose arithmetic is at its best when they is counting their blessings. A hard thing about business is minding your own. A heavy burden does not kill on the day it is carried. (Kenyan Proverb) A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow." A helping hand is no farther than at the end of your sleeve. A helping word to one in trouble is like a switch in a railroad track … an inch between wreck and smooth, rolling prosperity. (Henry Ward Beecher) A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it. A honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?, " gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." A house divided against itself cannot stand; I believe this government cannot endure permanently half-slave and half-free. (Abraham Lincoln, June 17, 1858) A HOUSE is built of logs and stone, of piles and post and piers; A HOME is built of loving deeds, that stand a thousand years. (Victor Hugo) A hug is a great gift... one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange. (Natasha Isabelle) A husband is the medicine that cures all the ills of girlhood. A journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step. (ancient Egyptian proverb) A judge is a law student who marks their own examination papers. (H.L. Mencken) A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer. A kid's idea of a balanced diet is a hamburger in each hand. • • • • • • • • • • • • • A king's castle is his home. A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way. (John C. Maxwell) A leading authority is anyone who has guessed right more than once. A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. (Edgar J. Mohn) A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses. A little boy asked his mother why the minister got a month's vacation while his dad only got two weeks. The mother answered, "Well, son, if he's a good minister, he needs it. If he isn't, the congregation needs it." A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine. "And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward. The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there." A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother: "Lord, bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!" Mom: "God's not deaf, son. Boy: "I know, Mom, but Grandma's in the next room, and she's hard of hearing! A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess." A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear; "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed honey," he said, "God made you • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?" A little lie is like a little pregnancy it doesn't take long before everyone knows. (C.S. Lewis) A long dispute means that both parties are wrong. A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough. (Benjamin Franklin) A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing. A luxury once enjoyed becomes a necessity. A man convinced against his will is still of the same opinion. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing." A man is at his tallest when he stoops to help a child. A man is never astonished that he doesn't know what another does; but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. (John Barrymore 1943) A man is not where he lives, but where he loves. (Latin Proverb) A man listens to his son yelling at his mother. After they finish fighting and make up the man calls his son and says: "Take this hammer and drive this nail into that piece of wood". Afterwards the father tells him to pull out the nail. Than the father said: "When you fight with your mother, you drive a nail through her heart. But look at how when you are forgiven and you take out the nail, the hole stays." A man prayed, and at first he thought that prayer was talking. But he became more and more quiet until in the end he realised that prayer is listening. (Soren Kierkegaard) A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life. A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?" A man who is attracted by your mental appearance loves you more than a man who is attracted by your physical appearance. A man who lives in a glass house should change in basement. A man who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones. A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife, has a very smart wife! A man who throws dirt loses ground. A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. A man's reach should exceed its grasp. (Browning) A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension. (Oliver Wendell Holmes) A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner, so if one's life is cold and bare he can blame none but himself. (louis L'Amour) A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." A minister was talking to similar group of young children. "Who can tell me what we must do before we can expect forgiveness of sin?" There was a moment's pause, then Tommy made a logical contribution: "Well, sir, first we have got to sin." A moment on the lips, an eternity on the hips. A more expensive tennis racket will not make you a better player. A mother holds her childrens hands for a while, their hearts forever. A mother was asked: "Do you do any literary work?" "Yes," she replied, "I am writing two books." "What are their titles?" "'John' and 'Mary,' " she answered. "My business is to write upon the minds and hearts of my children the lessons they will never forget." A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the sky. Phychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist collects the rent. A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation. "I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one. "That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly. "Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all." A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!" A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? A note left for a pianist from his wife: "Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet." A parishioner had undergone a serious operation and was still under the influence of the sedative when the vicar came, so the vicar just said a prayer and left. The next day he returned and asked the patient if he had been aware of his visit. "I vaguely remember your visit yesterday. I remember opening my eyes and thinking 'I can't be in Heaven because there is the vicar'." A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." "What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time." A penny saved is a penny earned, and a penny spent, is a penny enjoyed. A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye. A perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home. A person can fail many times, but they are not really a failure until they start to blame someone else. A person is getting along the road to wisdom when they begin to realize that their opinion is just another opinion. A person is grown up not when they can take care of themselves, but when they can take care of others. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A person is only as big as the things that make them angry. (Confucius) A person lives, to be loved. A person loves, to have lived. (Michael Crowgey) A person of words and not deeds is like a garden full of weeds. A person who can speak many languages is not necessarily more valuable than a person who can listen in one. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. A person who makes no mistakes, generally makes nothing. A person without knowledge of his history is like a tree without roots. A person's character and their garden both reflect the amount of weeding that was done during the growing season. A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. (Harry Truman) A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol. A Physician can bury his mistakes, an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. (Frank Lloyd Wright) A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think they are the only one who can save the ship. A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office. A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for. (Anon) A poor person isn't he who has little, but he who needs a lot. (German proverb) A poor report card has one good thing in its favor: at least you know the student is not cheating. A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. " Mind if I have a few?" he asks. " No not at all," the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to just have a few." "Oh that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them!" A proud father phoned the newspaper and reported the birth of twins. The girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message. "Will you repeat that?" she asked. "Not if I can help it," he replied. A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. (Miguel de Cervantes) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. (Slick's Second Universe Law) A real friend is someone who takes a winter vacation on a sundrenched beach and does not send a card. (Farmer's Almanac) A real patriot is someone who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. A relationship is like sand in your hand. If held loosely in the palm of your hand it stays there, but as soon as you close your hand tightly it slips through your fingers. A religion that is small enough for us to understand would not be large enough for our needs. A retired husband is a wife's full time job. A rich person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least. A rookie cop was asked the following question on an examination: "How would you go about dispersing a crowd?" He answered: "Take up an offering. That does it every time." A rose can say I Love You. . . orchids can enthrall ... but a weed bouquet in a chubby fist ... OH MY that says it all! A rumor is as hard to unspread as butter. A sad Texan once prayed, "Lord, I wish you would make it rain - not so much for me, I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old." A scientist knows more & more about less & less till he knows everything about nothing while a philosopher knows less & less about more & more till he knows nothing about everything. A seafood diet is the best: whenever you see food, eat it. A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head. A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. (John A. Shedd) A signature always reveals a man's character... and sometimes even his name. A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. A single reason why you can do something is worth 100 reasons why you can't. A sinning man will stop praying. A praying man will stop sinning. A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it. A smile is a curve that sets things straight. A smile is a fortune, but you can't sell it, you can't buy it and you can't steal it, but it isn't good to anyone until it is given away. A smile is the cheapest way to improve your looks, even if your teeth are crooked. A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling system of the head and the heating system of the heart. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A smile on your face can be felt on anothers heart. (Rhonda Marlow) A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner. (English Proverb A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. (Benjamin Franklin) A stand can be made against invasion of an army; no stand can be made against invasion of an idea. A statesman shears the sheep. A politician skins them. A status symbol is a symbol, not status. A stone thrown at the right time is better than gold given at the wrong time. (Persian proverb) A student writes a letter via telegram to his Dad ... It goes ... no fun, send mon, your Son! Dad write back saying ... so sad, too bad, your Dad! A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." A sweater is usually put on a child when the parent feels chilly. A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell. A talent is formed in stillness, a character in the world's torrent. A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops. (Henry Adams) A teacher asked her students if they could use the words 'defeat, defense, and detail' in a sentence. Little Johnny was a smartly, so he answered with, " De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail." A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?" With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it." • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity. Teacher: "Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?" Child: "In the Garden of Eden?" A tear shed can say more than a hundred words spoken. A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number..." replied the girl. A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said: "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said:"Don't kid me, Mom. I know they're my feet." A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense. A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart. A true friend walks in when the world walks out. A truth spoken before its time is dangerous. A twofold national problem is how to preserve the wilderness in the country and get rid of the jungle in the cities. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go. A vicar was preparing to leave his parish. In order to avoid a particular parishioner being sad, he said "Don't worry, you'll probably get a better man." "Not necessarily," replied the parishioner, "that's what the last one said before he left." A weird thing about humans is we work till we're sick to get a fortune, then pay a fortune to get well again. A wife is a person who can look in the top drawer of a dresser and find a man's handkerchief that isn't there. A winner says, "There must be a better way to do it". A loser says, "This is the way it has always been done here". A wise enemy is still safer than a fool friend. A wise man among the ignorant is as a beautiful girl in the company of blind men. (Saadi, Persian poet) A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. (Baltasar Gracian) A wise man may look ridiculous in the company of fools. (Thomas Fuller) A wise man sees as much as he should, not as much as he can. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • A wise old owl sat on an oak, the more he saw the less he spoke; the less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird? (Edward H. Richards) A wise person escapes temptation and leaves no forwarding address. A wise person has something to say, a fool has to say something. A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home." A 'wish' changes nothing. A 'decision' changes everything! A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes. A woman's greatest power is her vulnerability. A woman's heart is like a campfire; if you don't tend it often the flame will go out. (Willie M. Lawrence) A word gets its meaning by the person who speaks it. A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success. A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. A young boy about five or six years was talking on the telephone. As his dad listened on, the youngster told his grandparents dejectedly, "Mom is in the hospital, so the twins and Roxie, Billy, Sally, the dog, and me and Dad are all home alone." A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury. "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box." A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from countless refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously. "It seems to me that we've blessed all this stuff before." A young minister was helping his wife with the dishes meanwhile complaining: "This is not a man's job!" "Oh, yes, it is!" she said, as she quoted from 2 Kings 21:13, "I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down!" A young person knows the rules but the old person knows the exceptions Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there. Ability is what you're capable of doing... Motivation determines what you do... Attitude determines how well you do it. Abraham Lincoln was once talking with a woman about how the North must treat the South. She disagreed with him, and said that she • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • felt that we must destroy our enemies. Lincoln replied, "What, madam? Do I not destroy them when I make them my friends?" Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. (William James) Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Action may not always be happiness, but there is no happiness without action. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. (Kimberley Broyles) Adam and Eve were the first people on earth............Did they have belly buttons? Adolescence and snow are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Adversity doesnt build character, it reveals it. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. (Erica Jong) Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. (C.S. Lewis) After all is said and done, more is said than done. After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history. After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. (Thoreau's First Theory of Adaptation) After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine." After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. (Satchel Paige) Aim at heaven and you get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. (C. S. Lewis) Alcohol preserves everything but not dignity. Algebra was easy for the Romans because "X" was always 10. Alimony is having an ex-husband you can bank on. Alimony: funds which allow a woman who lived unhappily married to live happily unmarried. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. (Samuel Butler) All bicycles weigh 50 pounds, except that a 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock, a 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock, and a 50 pound bicycle does not need a lock. All fingers are not alike. If you cut bigger ones to make all equal it is communism. If you stretch smaller ones to make all equal it is socialism. If you do nothing to make all equal it is capitalism. All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move. (Benjamin Franklin) All men can fly, but sadly, only in one direction -- down. All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner. All mothers are working mothers. All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness. (Mark Kennedy) All of us are God's creatures... just some are more creature than others. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. All sunshine makes a desert. All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win in this world is for enough good men to do nothing. (Edmund Burke) All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today and yesterday. All the so-called "secrets of success" will not work unless you do. All the treasure in the world is worthless, unless you have someone to share it with. All your dreams come true, if you have the courage to pursue them. (Walt Disney) Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. (Helen Keller) Although they had no first aid class, Egyptians were not dummies. They knew the art of bandaging. They learned it from their Mummies. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. (Wendell Johnson) Always buy good shoes, and a good bed. Because if you aren't in one, you're in the other. Always forgive your enemies but never forget their names. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Always give without remembering and always receive without forgetting. (Brian Tracy) Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Am I indecisive? Can I get back to you on that? America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. America is a land where citizens vote for Democrats but hope to live like Republicans. America is the only country in the world where the poor have a parking problem. Amidst the mists and coldest frosts he thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts. Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart. (Zig Ziglar) An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it." An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult. An agnostic lay dying. He called his weeping child to his bedside and asked her to read to him the one text that hung on his wall. It contained a summary of his life's philosophy: GOD IS NOWHERE. The little girl began to read: "G-O-D: God; I-S: is; N-O-W: now; HE-R-E: here. God is now here," she repeated. The mistake of the child led to her father's conversion. An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry. An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But ... an onion a day keeps everyone away. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie) An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer. An educational system isn't worth a great deal if it teaches young people how to make a living but doesn't teach them how to make a life. An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead". An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications. An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool." From the back of the room a voice called out, "....... so, what are the words?" An error doesn't become a mistake until you choose to ignore it. An inch of time cannot be bought by an inch of gold. (Chinese proverb) An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?" The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will." An obstacle is something you see when you take your eyes off the goal. An obstinate man does not hold opinions, they hold him. (Samuel Butler) An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person. An open mind does not always require an open mouth. An optimist believes we live in the best of all worlds. A pessimist fears this is true. An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh. An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. - Nolan's / Peter's Placebo Anger is costly on the soul, be carefull with what you choose to spend it on. (Bohdan Chreptak) Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind. Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it. (Seneca) Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys at auction at amazing prices. Any car will last a lifetime - if you are careless enough. Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them. Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. (Mitchell's Law of Committees) Anybody who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop. Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way. That is not easy. (Aristotles) Anyone can make a mountain out of a molehill by throwing on more dirt. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein) Anyone who has time to look for a 4- leaf clover needs to find one. Anyone who is not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind. (Woodrow Wilson). Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. (Henry Ford) Anyone who thinks that they are too small to make a difference, has never been in bed with a mosquito. Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" is not: the label means the price went up. Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. (Mignon McLaughin) Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins. Are unripened oranges called greens? Are you fuel for your job or is your job fuel for you. (Prof. Preston Bottger) Are you living for the things you are praying for? (Austin Phelps) Are you wrinkled with burden? Come onto Church for a FAITH LIFT! Art is work, to sell it is art. Artichokes are like humans: you have to go through so much to get to the heart. (Kathy Good) As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As a man begins to live more seriously within; he begins to live more simply without. As a rule, man's a fool. When it's hot, he wants it cool. And when it's cool, he wants it hot. Always wanting what is not. As I said before, I never repeat myself. As intelligence increases speach decreases. (Ali bin Abi Talib) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind. (Isabelle Holland) As long as you put in the work, you can own the dream. When the work stops, the dream disappears. (Jim Dietz) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life. (Chinese proverb) Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow. Asking the boss for a rise may not be patriotic, but it will help the government with the extra tax if it comes off. Aspire to inspire before you expire. At a party, a woman walked up to Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States, and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you." Coolidge replied, "You lose." At age 20 we worry about what others think of us. At 40 we don't care what they think of us. At 60 we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all. (Ann Landers) At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. (Ann Landers) At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard." At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Attend Church weekly NOT weakly. Attitude might not catch fish, but it helps when you don't. Attitude must be an art because it draws, and not a science because it can't be measured. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. Autopsy is a dying practice. B positive is not my blood group, still its in my blood. B(est) I(nformation) B(efore) L(eaving) E(arth). Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Bacteria: the only culture some people have. Bad planing on your part does not necessarily constitute an automatic emergency on my part. Be as friendly to the janitor as you are to the chairman of the board. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Be at peace with yourself first and then you will be able to bring peace to others. (Thomas A. Kempis) Be beautiful if you can, wise if you want to... But be respected, that is essential. (Anna Gould) Be bold in what you stand for; and careful what you fall for. Be careful of the words you say. And keep them soft and sweet. For you never know from day to day. Which ones you'll have to eat. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. Be good or be good at it! Be grateful for the gifts you have rather than lament those you have not. Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you. Be nice to everyone on your way to the top because you pass them all on the way down. (Fred A. Hufnagel Sr.) Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. (Chinese proverb) Be of use, but don't be used. Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. (Benjamin Franklin) Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these. Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. Be who you are and say what you feel: because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. (Dr. Suess) Be yourself- who else is better qualified? (Frank J. Giblin II) Beat me with the truth, don't torture me with lies. Beautiful faces are those that wear whole-souled honesty printed there. (Ellen Palmer Allerton) Beautiful hands are those that do deeds that are noble, good, and true. Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm not one to judge. Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone! Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you. Because you are someone special I send jou my love today for you are very wonderful in each and every way Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Before a man can stand he must learn to kneel. Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories. (John Wilmot) Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy they are who already possess it. (Francois de La Rochefoucauld) Before you can break out of prison, you must realize that you are locked up. Before you point your fingers be sure your hands are clean. Behaviour is a mirror in which everyone shows his image. (Goethe) Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (Mr Sim York Soo) Being cool, is not trying to be cool. Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. (Richard Carlson) Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are - you aren't. (Margaret Thatcher) Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Being yourself is being the person everyone else wants you to be. Believe in miracles, but don't depend on them. Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts. (F.F. Bosworth) Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money. (Earl Wilson) Best friends don't ask you: "Is something wrong?" Best friends ask you: "Whats wrong?" Better a good heart than a fair face. (Japanese proverb) Better an end with pain, than pain with no end. Better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. (Abraham Lincoln) Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot. Better untaught than ill-taught. Big doesn't necessarily mean better..sunflowers aren't better than violets. Big Ideas are so hard to recognize, so fragile, so easy to kill. Don't forget that, all of you who don't have them. (John Elliot, Jr.) BIRTHDAY BELIEF SYSTEMS. Idealism: Happy Birthday. Capitalism: I shopped all day for your birthday. Atheism: I can't believe it's your birthday. Hinduism: Holy Cow! Is it your birthday? Taoism: It's everybody's birthday. Buddhism: If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came... would it make a sound? Existentialism: Your birthday means nothing to me. Sarcasm: You don't look half bad for someone twice your age. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. (Rev. Larry Lorenzoni) Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. (Michael McGriff, M.D.) Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. (Herbert Hoover) Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused. Blessed is he who doesn't show hatefulness over what is lost, but instead, shows gratefulness over what is left. Blessed is he who, having nothing to say, refrained from giving wordy evidence of the fact. Blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter. Bones; there are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Boredom is a sign of unused potential. Boredom sets into boring minds. Born twice, die once. Born once, die twice. Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Buses stop at bus stations, trains at train stations, my desk has a workstation. But the lies we live will always be confessed in the stories that we tell. (Orson Scott Card) Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs. By learning to obey, you will know how to command. (Italian Proverb) By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game. By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. (Mark Twain) Can it be a mistake that "desserts" gives "stressed" spelled backwards? Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep. (Paula Poundstone) Cancer is so limited, it cannot corrode faith, it cannot shatter hope, it cannot kill friendships, it cannot cripple love, it cannot destroy peace, it cannot silence courage, it cannot suppress memories, it cannot conquer the spirit. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Can't never could do anything. Till could came along and whipped Can't butt ... now can't can do a lot. Can't never did anything but fail (Mr. Eaton) Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic. Challenges can be stepping stones or stumbling blocks. It's just a matter of how you view them. Change your thoughts and you change your world. (Norman Vincent Peale) Changing one thing for the better is worth more than proving a thousand things are wrong. Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. (Abraham Lincoln) Character is made by what you stand for; reputation, by what you fall for. (Robert Quillen) Character is what a person is in the dark. (Dwight Moody) Charity begins at home. Success begins at work. Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. (Albert Camus) Cheerfulness is contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a "carrier". Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath. Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners. Children go through four life stages with dads: 1) They call you dada. 2) They call you daddy. 3) They call you dad. 4) They call you collect. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. (Harold S. Hulbert) Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life.(Confucius) Choose well. Your choice is brief, and yet endless. (Goethe) Choose your love, love your choice. Christians aren't perfect, they're just forgiven! Church is the only place I know, where I can arrive late and get the best seats in the house! • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Church is the only society on earth that exists for the benefit of nonmembers. (William Temple) Church members are either pillars or caterpillars ... the pillars hold up the church, and the caterpillars just crawl in and out. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing. Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Mark Twain) Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Coins are made by mint of metal. Character is made by dint of mettle. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. College is that bright interlude of freedom a young man has between subjection to his mother and submission to his wife. Come, work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world. Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, working together is success. (Henry Ford) Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Common sense is genius dressed up in work clothes. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) Communication by empathy is a talent that few possess. Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece. Conditions are never just right. People who delay action until all factors are favorable do nothing. (William Feather) Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions. (Earl Gray Stevens) Confrontation doesn't always bring a solution to the problem, but until you confront the problem, there will be no solution. (James Baldwin) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Consider how hard it is to change yourself; and you will understand what little chance you have trying to change others. Constant use will wear out anything ... especially friends. Consumers are statistics, customers are people. Contentment is not to be found in having what you want, but rather wanting what you have Conviction is worthless unless it is converted into conduct. (Thomas Carlyle) Copy from one its plagiarism. Copy from two its research. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Could your eyes be called an academy, because there are pupils there? Count your blessings instead of your crosses, count you gains instead of your losses, count your joys instead of your woes, count your friends instead of your foes. Count your courage instead of your fears, count your laughs instead of your tears. Count your full years instead of your lean, count your kind deeds instead of your mean. Count your health instead of your wealth, count on God instead of yourself. (Irish Blessing) Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms. Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says ... I'll try again tommorrow. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. (Ambrose Redmoon) Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the precence of fear with the capacity to manage and overcome it. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. (Winston Churchill) Creation of woman from the rib of Man: She was not made from his head to top him; nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him; but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved. Crime doesn't pay. . .does that mean that my job is a crime? Crime has already been organised. Now it's up to the police. Criticism should always leave people with the feeling that they have been helped. Cultivate money and you grow rich. Cultivate mind and you raise culture. Dad: Someone who hopes his sons will turn out to be just like him, and who is afraid his daughters will meet someone who did. Dance as if no one's watching, love as if it's never going to hurt. (Stuart Appleby) Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire. Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only life can do that. Dear God, help me to guard my tongue and learn to say the right thing at the right time for the right reason in the right way. Help me, too, to know when to keep my mouth shut. Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Death is not totally extinguishing the light but turning off the lamp because the dawn has come. Deciding not to choose is still making a choice. Dedication is not what others expect of you; it is what you can give to others. Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this Bull before! Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried. (Winston Churchill) Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper. Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular. Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. (William Jennings Bryan) Did Noah include termites on the ark? Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. (Sue Murphy) Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all right now Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. Dieting is wishful shrinking. Digital Wisdom: Affirm brain on-line before opening mouth.com. Diplomacy -- the art of letting someone have your own way. DisAppointments are often His Appointments. Disappointments should be cremated, not embalmed. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Freedom without discipline is chaos. (Cullen Hightower) Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice. Do all you should, not all you could. Do bad and remember, do good and forget. (Algerian proverb) Do fish get thirsty? Do for others with no desire of returned favor. We all should plant some trees we'll never sit under. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. (Mary Smich) Do one thing at time, with supreme excellence. (NASA proverb) Do penguins have knees? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Do what you love and love what you're doing, and you'll never work another day in your life. Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched. Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me? Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in? Certainly - how about a paper bag? Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do? Well, for a start, don't point him at me. Doctor: "Ever had an accident?" Rancher: "No." Doctor: "Never had an accident in your whole life?" Rancher: "Well, last spring I was out in the pasture and a bull tossed me over the fence." Doctor: "And you don't call that an accident?" Rancher: "No. I think the bull did it on purpose." Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water." Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?" Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water." Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. Doing a thing wrong for a long period of time gives it the superficial appearance of being right. Don't ask what your community can do for you. Ask what you can do for your community. (Steve Andres) Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always behind you. Don't be afraid of opposition; Remember a kite rises against, not with the wind. Don't be afraid of the dark, be afraid of what it hides... Don't be afraid of tomorrow, for God has already been there. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily. Don't be angry at a friend who told your secret, for neither could you keep it to yourself. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Don't be concerned others not appreciating you. Be concerned about your not appreciating others. (Confucius) Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted. Don't be so Heavenly minded that you do no earthly good. Don't be so humble, you're not that great. (Golda Meir) Don't believe them who say that they will follow you like your shadow; because shadows disappear in darkness. Don't borrow sorrow from tomorrow! Don't control, be in control. (Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu, The Legend Continues) Don't count the days, make the days count. (Mohammed Ali) Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Don't ever slam a door- you may want to go back. Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have. (Louis E. Boone) Don't find fault, find a remedy. (Henry Ford) Don't get good at doing something if you don't like doing it. Don't get married only because of the money. You can borrow it cheaper. (Z. Z. Gabor) Don't grieve that your roses have thorns. Rejoice instead that your thorns have roses. Don't gripe about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't be a member. Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. (Robert Louis Stevenson) Don't just get something out of church, put something into it. Don't kill the dream - execute it! Don't learn the tricks of the trade, learn the trade. Don't let anybody walk trough your mind with dirty feet. (Gandhi) Don't let people drive you crazy when it is within walking distance. Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you. Don't let time take control of your destiny. Let your destiny take control of your time. (Ulrick Ricardo Milord) Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. (John Wooden) Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. Don't limit your challenges - challenge your limits. Don't listen to what I say; listen to what I mean. Don't love the things you own, lest they own you. Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Don't measure your life by how many breaths you take, measure it by how many times you get your breath taken away. Don't pray for easy lives; pray to be stronger people. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be a miracle. Every day you shall wonder at yourself, at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God. (Phillips Brooks) Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been but also where you're going. Don't save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead; do not write them on their tombstones, speak them rather now instead. (Anna Cummins) Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Louis Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo DaVinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. Don't say" if I could, I would". Say instead "If I can, I will". Don't seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise: seek what they sought. (Basho) Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings. Don't speak of secret matters in a field that is full of little hills. (Hebrew proverb) Don't spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for. (The Vatican Sayings, Epicurus) Don't stand in a place of danger trusting in miracles. (Arabic Proverb) Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. (Elbert Hubbard) Don't take me for what I should be. Take me for what I want to be. Yours friendly and faithfully! (Margarethe Strnad) Don't take people for what they are! Most people do not deserve this. Take them rather for what they should be. Don't tell a man how to do a thing. Tell him what you want done, and he'll surprise you with his ingenuity. (General George S. Patton) Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm. (Malayan proverb) Don't think you're on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path. Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church. Don't wait for your ship to come in. Row out to meet it. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. (Albert Camus) Don't wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly. (St. Francis De Sales) Don't work for recognition, but do work worthy of recognition. Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. (Robert Fulghum) Don't worry that there won't be a tomorrow, it's already tomorrow in Australia. Do's and don'ts influence wills and won'ts. Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. (James Dean) Dream but always with your eyes wide open. Dreams come true, without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them. (John Updike) Drink wet cement and get really stoned. Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker. Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get. Drive-In banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. (E. Joseph Cossman) Due to financial difficulties the light at the end of the tunnel has temporarily been switched off. During a carnival, men put masks over their masks. (Xavier Forneret) During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle. . . And He just then did!" Dusty bibles lead to dirty lives. Duty over desire - may that inspire. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Earlier people used to switch on TV's after getting bored with their routine work. Now they switch on to routine work after getting bored with TV. Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. (Anamaniacs) Eat and drink with your relatives; do business with strangers. (Greek Proverb) Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye. You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may diet. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Education and intelligence aren't the same thing! Eighty percent of life's satisfaction comes from meaningful relationships. (Brian Tracy) Engineer: a person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. (Robert Brault) Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is a balanced diet. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, but you wouldn't go scheduling your day by it would you? Then by the same token don't put too much faith in science. Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until he starts to work. Even a short pencil is more reliable then the longest memory. Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there! (Will Rogers) Even in a pile of manure, a flower will grow. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to. Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth! Events are less important than our response to them. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Every closed eye is not sleeping; and every open eye is not seeing. Every crown is made for a head, but every head is not made for a crown. Every day there's sad news and bad news, but each day itself is glad news. Every fool knows that he cannot reach the stars but it never keeps a wise man from trying. (Ronnie B. Woods) Every girl should use what mother nature gives her before father time takes it away. Every good friend once was a stranger. Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Every man dies; not every man really lives.(Braveheart) Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener. Every person is a fool in somebody's opinion. (Spanish Proverb) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Every successful man I have heard of has done the best he could with conditions as he found them, and not waited until the next year for better. (Edgar Watson Howe) Every ten seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. Every truth has two sides; it is well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either. (Aesop) Everybody has a photographic memory.... Some don't have film. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everyone hears what you say, friends listen to what you say, best friends listen to what you don't say. Everyone leaves footprints in you memory, but the ones that leave footprints in your heart are the ones you will truely remember. (Nicholas Sperling) Everyone needs to be loved . . . especially when they do not deserve it. Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him, and then choose that way with all his strength. (Hasidic saying) Everyone wants to go to Heaven, yet no one wants to die. Everything is possible; just not too probable. Everything that can be counted doesn't necessarily count; everything that counts can't necessarily be counted. (Einstein) Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. (Carl Gustav Jung) Everywhere children are schooled to become masters at answering questions and to remain novices at asking them. (Dillon, 1988) Examine what is said, not who speaks. (Arabian Proverb) Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell. Expect people to do better than they are … it helps them to become better; but, don't be disappointed when they are not- it helps them to keep trying. Expectations are for the unsure. (Peter Walstrom) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. Extraordinary: it is the "extra" that make us more than ordinary. Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. (Aldous Huxley) Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Failure comes in two ways: Those who do it without giving a thought. Those who thought about it but do nothing. Failure is nature's plan to prepare you for great responsibilities. (Napolean Hill) Failure is no more fatal than success is permanent. Failure is opportunity in disguise. Failure is the only opportunity to begin more intelligently. (Henry Ford) Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations. (Elton Trueblood) Faith is not believing that God can, but that God will! Faith is not faith until it's all you're holding on to. Faith is not the holding of correct doctrine, but personal fellowship with the living God. (William Temple 1881-1944) Faith makes all things possible. Love makes all things easy. Hope makes all things work. Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Faithless is he who quits when the road darkens.(J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings) Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awfull. Fanatics are the first to betray their beliefs in order to defend them. Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet. Fat people are harder to kidnap. Faults are thick when love is thin. Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free. Fear doesn't overwhelm you; you let fear overwhelm you. Fear grows from what we don't know, faith comes from what we do. Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and no one was there. Feed you faith and your doubts will starve to death! Few men have the virtue to withstand the highest bidder. (George Washington) First old man: "You want to go for a walk?" Second old man: "Isn't it windy?" First old man: "No, it's Thursday." Second old man: "Me, too. Let's go get a soda." First things first! But not necessarily in that order. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. (William Arthur Ward) Flattery is telling others exactly what they think of themselves. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Flirtation...Attention without intention. Flowers will not grow but die if they don't get rained on every once in a while. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Fools look to tomorrow, wise men use tonight. Fools rush in - and get all the best seats. Foot: A device for finding furniture in the dark. For God is not against us because of our sin. He is with us; against our sin. For good or ill, your conversation is your advertisement. Every time you open your mouth you let the people look into your mind. (Bruce Barton) For people who like peace and quiet: a phone less cord. For the child of God, death is when the earth recedes and heaven opens up. For the want of a nail, the horseshoe was lost; for the want of a horseshoe a horse was lost; for the want of a horse, the rider was lost; for the want of a rider, the message was lost; for the want of a message, the battle was lost; for the want of a battle, the war was lost; for the want of a war, the kingdom was lost; and all for the want of a horseshoe's nail. Forbidden fruit creates many jams. Forget yourself when with others and others will not forget you. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. (Paul Boese) Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on. Forgiveness is the best remedy for any injury. Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realising you were the prisoner! (Max Lucado) Four things come not back: the spoken word, the spent arrow, the past, and the neglected opportunity. (Omar Idn Al-Halif) Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired. Freedom is doing what you know is right without fear. Freedom is not the right to do as you please, but the liberty to do as you ought. Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life! Friends are like puzzle pieces. If one goes away, that special piece can never be replaced and that puzzle will never be whole again. Friends are like stars. You may not always see them but you know they are always there Friends forever; never apart, maybe by distance, but not by heart. Friendship is a golden chain, the links are friends so dear, and like a rare and precious jewel It's treasured more each year. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Friendship: a building contract you sign with laughter and break with tears. Fun is a good thing, but only when it spoils nothing better. (George Santayana) Funny how a dollar can look so big when you take it to church, and so small when you take it to the store. Funny thing about humility. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it. Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need. (Kahlil Gibran, poet) Getting older, everything gets worse; except forgetfulness... That gets better. Give a man a fish and he won't starve for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he won't starve for his entire life. (African proverb) Give according to your income, lest God will make your income like your giving. Give God what's right, not what's left! Give me a stout heart to bear my own burdens. Give me a willing heart to bear the burdens of others. Give me a believing heart to cast all burdens upon Thee, O Lord. (John Baillie) Give plenty of what is given to you, and listen to pity's call; don't think the little you give is great and the much you get is small. (Phoebe Cary 1824-1871) Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bid child. (Danish Proverb) Give us clear vision that we may know where to stand and what to stand for, because unless we stand for something, we shall fall for anything. (Peter Marshall) Goals are dreams with deadlines. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Golden Rule: Those who have the gold rule. Good intentions are like seed pods that blow away in the wind, but good acts are like the seed planted in fertile soil. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Good leaders are like baseball umpires; they go practically unnoticed when doing their jobs right. (Byrd Baggett) Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. (Plato) Good taste is boundless, while bad taste knows no bounds. Good, better, best. Never rest until good be better and better best. (Mother Goose) Goodness is the only investment that never fails. (Thoreau) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Grace is the divine ability to cope with every circumstance. Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. Great men may die, but there ideas won't. (Kelly Nelson) Great minds ... discuss ideas. Average minds ... discuss events. Small minds ... discuss people. Greed is a lasting slavery. (Ali bin Abi Talib) Growing old is like watching a great river erode your property and knowing you are helpless to stop it. (Robert G. Easterling) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Guests and fish start to stink after two days. (Spanish Proverb) Habit is a cable; we spin a thread of it every day and at last we can not break it. Habit never goes, because if you remove H abit remains, if you remove A bit remains, if you remove B it still remains Half of the world's misery comes from ignorance. The other half comes from intelligence. (Bonar Thompson) Handicapped is not helpless. Handle yourself using your brain but handle others with your heart. Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics. Happiness depends on happenings but joy depends on Christ. Happiness is a path, not a destination. Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but no one feels the warmth as you do. (J.Tilse) Happiness is not something you have in your hands; it is something you carry in you heart. Happiness is what happens to us when we try to make someone else happy. Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. Happy laughter and family voices in the home will keep more kids off the streets at night than the strictest curfew. Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take chances. Hard work has future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all! (Sam Ewing) Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that. (Martin Luther King Jr) Hate is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. Hating hate does not mean you love love. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them. (Rita Rudner) Have less. Do less. Be more. (Aboodi Shaby) Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. Having someplace to go to is home. Having someone to love is family. Having both is a blessing. Having the right to do it, doesn't mean it is right to do it. Having your lawyer pay for lunch will be very expensive in the end. He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help. (Abraham Lincoln) He has Van Gogh's ear for music. He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. (Jim Elliot) He is not afraid of work, you can tell by the way he fights it. He is not ready to lose a minute of his life, but he's ready to lose his life in a minute. He that communicates his secret to another makes himself that other's slaves. (Baltasar Gracian) He that is discontented in one place will seldom be happy in another. (Aesop) He that lets the small things bind him, leaves the great undone behind him. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. (Indira Gandhi) He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes... He who angers you controls you! He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. (Chinese proverb) He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived. (Chinese proverb) He who breaks a thing to find out what it is, has left the path of wisdom. (J.R.R. Tolkien) He who builds to every man's advice will have a crooked house. (Danish proverb) He who buys what he does not need steals from himself. He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed. (Albert Einstein) He who can take no interest in what is small, will take false interest in what is great. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass. (George Herbert) He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. He who fails to prepare, prepares to fail. He who has a thing to sell and goes and whispers in a well is not as apt to get the dollars as he who climbs a tree and hollers. He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. He who is not grateful for the good things he has would not be happy with what he wishes he had. He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child. Teach him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. He who knows and knows that he knows is a wise man. Follow him. (Arab Proverb) He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise. (Lao Tse 604-531 BC) He who laughs last thinks slowest! He who receives a good turn should never forget it; he who does one should never remember it. He who sees the calamity of other people finds his own calamity light. (Arabian Proverb) He who slings mud looses ground. He who stands for nothing, falls for anything. Heaven is where the police are British, the mechanics German, the cooks are French, the lovers Italian, and all is organized by the Swiss. (Eliane Kirchner) Hell has no exits. Heaven needs none. Hell has no fire escapes. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (C. S. Woodbridge) Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. (Richard Bach) Here's to you and here's to me and may we never disagree, but if we do I'll still love you. Heroes and winners aren't the same thing. History is a selective interpretation of events designed to justify those currently in power. History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victors. History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Hoffer's law: When people are free to do what they want they usually imitate one another. Holding on to a hurt creates more hurt. Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. (Marilyn Monroe) Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. (Franklin P. Jones) Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. (Vaclav Havel) Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home -- even when you wish they were. Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything. Housework is something you do that nobody notices until you don't do it. How come wrong numbers are never busy? How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I've only been driving for 10 minutes? How do you dial a pushbutton phone? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you start your days? Good morning Lord or Good Lord, morning. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world. (Shakespeare) How far you go in life is determined by how tender you are with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with those striving, and tolerant with the weak and strong, because some day in life you will have been all of them. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand! How would you like to spend eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking? Hugs are not measured by quantity; they are measured by quality. Human things must be known to be loved: but Divine things must be loved to be known. Humans are interesting creatures, when given everything they need, they can't live through hardships. But when given very little they surpass every hardship. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Humans are like tea bags. They never realize their strength until they are put in hot water. Humor to a man is like a feather pillow. It is filled with what is easy to get but gives great comfort. Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost(Terry Brooks) Hurt people hurt people. Whole people heal people. Hymns appropriate to the occasion. Dentist's Hymn -- "Crown Him with Many Crowns" TV Weatherman's Hymn -- "Showers of Blessing" Contractor's Hymn -- "The Church's One Foundation" Tailor's Hymn -- "Holy, Holy, Holy" Golfer's Hymn -- "There Is a Green Hill Far Away" Politician's Hymn -- "Standing on the Promises" IRS Hymn -- "All to Thee" Gossiper's Hymn -- "Pass it On" Electrician's Hymn -- "Send the Light" Shopper's Hymn -"Sweet By and By" If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly: at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me" at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah" at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee" at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer" at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home" at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home" at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories" I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. I always knew that looking back on my tears would someday make me laugh, but I never knew that looking back on my laughter would someday make me cry. I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it. I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. (Thomas Jefferson) I am a poet and did not know it. I make a rhyme every time. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 96% how I react to it. I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. (Louisa May Alcott) I am not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army. I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job, and I don't want it. (Bill Cosby) I am on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days. I am sorry I offended you - I should have lied. I am the master of my unspoken words, and a slave to those that should have remained unspoken. (Anon) I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. (Dave Barry) I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty. (John D. Rockefeller Jr.) I believe the time we really look big in a child's eyes is when we go to them and apologize for our mistakes and we say, 'I was wrong. Will you forgive me?' (Kevin Leman) I can calculate trajectories, I can analyze chemical compositions so why can't I figure out where the other sock is after using the dryer? (Karl Reinhard pyrotechnician) I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. I can lead you to the water but I can't let you drink. I can not and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. (Lillian Hellman) I can not dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone. I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do! I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do. That is character! - (Theodore Roosevelt) I climbed up the door. Opened the stairs. I said my pajamas and put on my prayers. I switched off the bed and climbed in the light. All because he kissed me goodnight. I close my eyes in order to see. I could drown in a frown and swim in a smile. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. I dialled one of those 900 numbers to get some financial advice. They advised me not to dial 900 numbers. I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them. One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?" Another student and I devoured every delicious crumb! Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?" I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. (Voltaire) I don't believe you can do today's job with yesterday's methods and be in business tomorrow. (Nelson Jackson) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. (Bill Cosby) I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow. I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilettissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.(Erma Bombeck) I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. I don't need music, lobster or wine.Whenever your eyes look into mine; the things I long for are simple and few: a cup of coffee, a sandwich and you! I don't need your attitude I have one of my own. I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains. (Anne Frank) I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not. (Alan Smithee) I don't understand Christianity, nor do I understand electricity, but I don't intend to sit in the dark until I do! I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. (Diane Ackerman) I find it fascinating that most people plan their vacations with better care than they plan their lives. Perhaps that is because escape is easier than change. (Jim Rohn) I had dreams and I've had nightmares. I overcame the nightmares because of my dreams. I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4 today. (Henny Youngman) I have changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now. I have discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week, and the government spends 7. I have faith in fools, my friends call it self-confidence. I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses. I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams. (Dr. Jonas Salk) I have learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. (James Rhinehart) I have learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. (James Rhinehart) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • I have learned that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I have learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. (James Rhinehart) I have lived through the sixties, seventies, eighties and nineties. Am I now about to live through the noughties? I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. I have no particular talent, I am merely extremely inquisitive. (Albert Einstein) I have no problem keeping secrets. It's the people I tell... I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it. I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand. (Chinese proverb) I just got lost in thought. . . . It was unfamiliar territory. I just want to turn on the light and have it work...I don't want to know where the electricity comes from. I know Karate! ...and several other Japanese words. I know UNIX, PASCAL, C, FORTRAN, COBOL, and nineteen other high-tech words. I know you know what I think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. I laugh just like you, I cry and feel pain. When you touch my skin, we feel just the same. But you were born black and I was born white, our prejudice formed because of our sight. But if you were blind and I couldn't see, just think of how nice our friendship could be! (Poem by Forrest Campbell) I like pigs better than cat and dogs. Dogs are subservient and look up to man. Cats are aloof and look down on man. A pig, however, will look you in the eye, and see his equal. (Winston Churchill) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. (August Strindberg) I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble. (Helen Keller) I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time. I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting system through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in. (George Washington Carver) I love you 2 day, I love you 2 morrow, I love you 4 ever. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. (Groucho Marx) I never spit in your drink; why do you smoke in my air? I no longer worry about being a brilliant conversationalist. I simply try to be a good listener. I notice that people who do that are usually welcome wherever they go. (Frank Bettger) I once saw this sign on a diner wall: "I have an agreement with the bank: they don't fry hamburgers, and I don't cash checks." I only work to enjoy when I am not working. I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas, put on my prayers, turned off the bed, jumped in my light, all because you kissed me goodnight. I rather lose a second in my life, than my life in a second. I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this? the dog? I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I "had" any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! I think if I have a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day. I think that until about lunchtime. I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt, than there are to get out of it. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. I used to be Snow White ... but I drifted. (Mae West) I used to cry for I had no shoes to wear until I saw a man with no feet. I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed.... I used to want to pack as much as I could into my life, but now I realize it's more about quality of life than quantity. (Sharon Stone) I value all things only by the price they shall gain in eternity. (John Wesley) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ... I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said, "Yes." She asked me, "Single click or double click?" I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. (Woody Allen) I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way. (Jayson Feinburg) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and never his prescription? (Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936) I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that." I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in? I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it. I'd rather do something and fail than do nothing and succeed! Ideas are funny little things, they won't work unless you do. If a bird is flying for pleasure, it flies with the wind, but if it meets danger it turns and faces the wind, in order that it may rise higher. (Corrie Ten Boom) If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If a brown cow eats green grass why is it's milk white? If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has. (Rev. Robert E. Harris) If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better? If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut. (Albert Einstein) If a man does not make new acquaintance as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair. (Samuel Johnson 1709-1784) If a man is called to be a street-sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, "Here lived a great street-sweeper who did his job well." (Martin Luther King Jr.) If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky? (S. J. Lec) If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation? If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them? If a turtle does not have a shell on, is he homeless or naked? If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian? If absence makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church. If all else fails, read the directions. If all the misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart. (Socrates) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If beef comes from a cow and ham from a pig, why do they put beef in hamburgers? If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilisation. If corn oil comes from corn....where does baby oil come from? (Richard Lederer) If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? If danger's a step away, safety's step away. If evolution was true, mothers would have more than two hands. If he was any slower, he'd be going in reverse. If helium existed in a solid form, and you ate it would you get heavier or lighter? If I am not free to fail, I'm not free to take risks, and everything in life that's worth doing involves a willingness to risk failure. (Mrs. Hugh Franklin) If I can only be with you in my dreams, then I want to sleep forever. If I could grasp a hint of innocence ,or exude some of the purity, that so freely flows from my little girls eyes, then I would have learned something about being her father. (Brandon for Kyla) If I did not laugh, I should die. (Abraham Lincoln) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. (Erma Bombeck) If I had my life to live over I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life. (Erma Bombeck) If I had my life to live over I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace. (Erma Bombeck) If I had my life to live over I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day. (Erma Bombeck) If I had my life to live over I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. (Erma Bombeck) If I had my life to live over I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains. (Erma Bombeck) If I had my life to live over I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. (Erma Bombeck) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • If I had my life to live over I would have talked less and listened more. (Erma Bombeck) If I had my life to live over I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. (Erma Bombeck) If I had never met you, I wouldn't like you; if I didn't like you I wouldn't love you; if I didn't love you I wouldn't miss you. .. But I did, I do and I will. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. If innocence can leave guilt can come. If it is to be, it is up to me! (10 most important 2 letter words) If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them? If it is worth doing, it is worth overdoing! (Stacey Brown) If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought. (Dennis Roch) If life deals you a lemon, make lemonade. If life were a novel, then dead would mark the end of the first chapter...(Kelly Nelson) If life were easy, then it would be boring. (Charles Beck) If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille? If money could talk, it would say goodbye. If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town. If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they stick Teflon to the pan? If our gifts are not surrendered to God, we tend to beat people over the head with them. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? (Richard Lederer) If raindrops were kisses, I would send you a storm. (Natasha Isabelle) If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give. If someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. If someone were to pay you ten cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect five cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor? If stores claim to be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why do they have locks on the doors? If success attend me, grant me humility; If failure, resignation to Thy will. (David Livingstone) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • If suffering brings wisdom, I would wish to be less wise. (W.B. Yeats) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent? If the desire to need is measured by the value of something, then you my darling are quite simply priceless. (Derek Breslin) If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, maybe yours needs a little more tending. If the grass on the other side of the fence appears greener...it must be all the fertiliser they are using! (Kevin Rodowicz) If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand. If the road you travel, has no obstacles, It leads nowhere. If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space? If the wind stops, row! (Polish proverb) If the world is spinning so quickly why don't we all get dizzy? If there are no tears in the eyes, there will be no rainbow in the soul. If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world. (Chinese Proverb) If there is no enemy within, the enemy out side can do us no harm. (African proverb) If there was any justice in this world, oil company executive bathrooms would smell like the ones in their gas stations. (Johnny Carson) If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't I have more free time? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent! If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of? If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday? If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? If we don't control our money, it will control us. If we don't know our own history, we are doomed to live it. (Hannah Arendt) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • If we preach what we live....We don't ever have to worry about practicing what we preach! If we weren't meant to keep starting over, would God have granted us monday? If weak in prayer we are weak everywhere. (Leonard Ravenhill) If wealth is lost nothing is lost. If health is lost something is lost If character/reputation is lost everything is lost. If we'd confess our sins to one another we'd all laugh at the lack of originality. If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time. If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got. If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances. If you are not big enough to lose you are too small to win. If you are not enjoying your work, you should either change your attitude, or change your job. (Leo Tolstoy) If you are not fired with enthusiasm, then you will be fired with enthusiasm. (Vince Lombardi) If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate. If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. (Chinese Proverb) If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, you are all right. If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation. (Jiddu Krishnamurti 1895-1986) If you believe everything you read, don't read (Chinese proverb) If you came and you found a strange man teaching your kids to punch each other, or trying to sell them all kinds of products, you'd kick him right out of the house, but here you are; you come in and the TV is on, and you don't think twice about it. (Jerome Singer) If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world. If you can keep your head while all about are losing theirs and blaming it on you - perhaps you have underestimated the seriousness of the situation. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying? (Shantideva) If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped. If you can't control the wind, adjust your sail. If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman) If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century. If you can't say something nice, become a reporter. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd. If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep. (Dale Carnegie) If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles in the backside, you wouldn't be able to sit down for two weeks. If you decide not to choose then you've already made the wrong choice! If you depend on others to make you happy, you will be endlessly disappointed. If you do your best, don't mind the rest. (Irish Proverb) If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you had done it. (Ashleigh Brilliant) If you don't have time to do it right, you must have time to do it over. If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere. (Henry Kissinger) If you don't know where you're going how do you expect to get there. If you don't like something about yourself, change it. If you can't change it, accept it. (Ted Shackelford) If you don't like the road you're walking, pave another one. (Dolly Parton) If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. If you don't love, you can't live; if you don't live, you can't love. (Jason Benson) If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. If you don't want your children to hear what you're saying, pretend you're speaking directly to them. If you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy but the mud will never get glovey. If you ever need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm. If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail. If you find a four-leaf clover, it means you have entirely too much time on your hands. If you follow in others footsteps you will never leave yours behind. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • If you gave me something I need more than you do, you've given me a gift; If you've given me something you need more than I do, you've gifted me with love. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere. (Zig Zigler) If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. (George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950) If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead, and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart. (Arab proverb) If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. (Bette Davis) If you have the desire, you are halfway there. (E. Crique) If you have time to worry, you have time to pray. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. If you haven't all the things that you want, be thankful for all the things that you don't have that you didn't want. If you haven't much education you must use your brain. If you judge people, you will have no time to love them. If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places. (Andrew Mason) If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius? If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you. (Winnie the Pooh) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. If you love something set it free....If it comes back to you it is yours, if it doesn't than it was never meant to be. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. If you receive something that says "Send this to all your friends", please consider me not your friend. If you set the example, you won't need to set many rules. (Mama Zigler) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. (Andrew A. Rooney) If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record? If you step in a puddle, don't blame the puddle. If you still have the courage after loosing all , you can be rest assured that you have not lost everything. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. (Mark Twain) If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. ( Red Adair, when asked what his fee was for extinguishing oil well fires after the Gulf war.) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. If you think you are getting too much government these days, just be happy that you're not getting all you are paying for. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito. (Bette Reeves) If you treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is; if you treat him as he ought to be and could be, he will become as he ought to be and could be. (Goethe) If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times. If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. If you wait to have kids until you can afford them, you probably never will. If you want a thing well done, do it yourself. (Charles Haddon Spurgeon) If you want breakfast in bed, then start sleeping in the kitchen. If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. (Abigail Van Buren) If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody. (Chinese proverb) If you want something done, ask someone who is busy! If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road. (Charles Farr) If you want to be well liked never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others. If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy. (Robert Marlowe) If you want to play, practice. If you want to win, practice harder. If you want your lips would keep from slips, five things observe with care: of whom you speak, to whom you speak, and how and when and where. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are your waiting? (Stephen Levine) If you will always insist that you are right, people will think that there is something wrong with you. (Melchor F. Cichon) If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of other people. (Oriental Proverb) If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. If your vision doesn't scare you, then both your vision and your God are too small. (Brother Andrew) If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet? (Robin Alumbaugh) Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. (Euripides) I'm a lawyer. Honest? No, the usual kind. I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it? I'm old enough to know better but I'm still to young to care. I'm serious; it was a joke. Imagination is intelligence having fun. Imagination is more important than knowledge. (Albert Einstein) Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't; and a sense of humour to console him for what he is. (Horace Walpole) Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth: "In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty." Freeman's Extension: "...but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean." Immature love: I love you because I need you. Mature love; I need you because I love you. In a completely rational society, the best of us would be teachers and the rest of us would have to settle for something less, because passing civilisation along from one generation to the next ought to be the highest honour and the highest responsibility anyone could have.(Lee Iacocca) In cities no one is quiet but many are lonely. In the country, people are quiet but few are lonely. (Geoffrey F. Fisher) In communism, man oppresses man. In capitalism, it's the other way around. In essentials, unity; in nonessentials, liberty; in all things, charity. (Melanchthon) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • In life, what happens to you isn't as important as what happens in you. (Anon) In many cases stress is caused, not by the event itself, but rather by our response to the event. In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. (Thomas Jefferson) In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. (Dereke Bruce) In our search for truth let us not be influenced by what is easiest to believe. In places of delight, there are no clocks. In spite of the cost of living, it's still quite popular. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal. In the dark dreary nights when the storm is at its most fierce the lighthouse burns bright so the sailors can find their way home again. In life the same light burns. This light is fuelled with love, faith, and hope. And through lifes most fierce storms these three burn their brightest so we also can find our way home again. In the long run we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving. (Sheldon Kopp) In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; it goes on. In your life you will love someone so much you could eat them, then you will get married and wish you had. Inch by inch life's a cinch. Yard by yard life is hard. Incontinence Hot line...Can you hold please. Indian build small fire stand real close, White man build BIG fire stand way back.... Information is giving out. Communication is getting through. Initiative is the ability to do the right thing. Efficiency is the ability to do the thing right. Effectiveness is doing the right things. Ink drys, paper burns, but what is written in the soul will last an eternity. Instead of singing the Doxology phrase "Praise all creatures here below," a little girl sang instead, "Praise all preachers, here we go." It made sense to her because everybody sang it at the end of the service, just as they were leaving. Integrity is the cornerstone of trust. Integrity is when what you say, what you do, what you think, and who you are all come from the same place. (Madelyn GriffithHaynie) Intelligence is like underwear, everyone has it but you don't have to show it off. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Intercessory prayer might be defined as loving our neighbour on our knees. (Charles Brent) Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem with the world today? I don't know and I don't care. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice. (Deng Xiaoping) It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always roomtemperature. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. It is a good thing God chose me before I was born, because he surely would not have afterwards. (C.H. Spurgeon) It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, and normal to ignore it. (Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.) It is a poor workman who blames his tools. It is a small world, but I wouldn't like to have to paint it. It is always the ones who talk loudest who do the least. It is amazing how many people want to live a long life, and yet so few want to grow old. It is amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. (Michael Arlen) It is better to be 5 minutes late than dead for 5 minutes. (John Leighton) It is better to be hated for what you are, then to be loved for what you're not! It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. (Mark Twain) It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation. (Herman Melville) It is better to forget and smile, than to remember and be sad. It is better to have bad breath than to have no breath at all. It is better to have enough ideas for some of them to be wrong, than to be always right by having no ideas at all. (Edward de Bono) It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness. It is better to live day by day for you might not be here tomorrow. It is better to regret something you did, rather than to regret something you didn't do. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over what you've done. It is better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot. (Anatole France) It is difficult but not impossible to conduct strictly honest business. What is true is that honesty is incompatible with the amassing of a large fortune. (Mahatma Gandhi) It is difficult to "go with the flow" when you are swimming upstream. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless! It is easy to have a balanced personality. Just forget your troubles as easily as you do your blessings. It is far better to be alone, than to wish you were. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. It is funny how we can see this outside world using our eyes; and we can see someone's inside world looking into their eyes. It is good to be a Christian and you know it, but it is better to be a Christian and show it! It is hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face. It is hard to read a cartoon aloud. It is hard to stumble when you're on your knees. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living. It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite. It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. (Epictetus) It is impossible to overestimate the immense need that humans have to be listened to, understood, and taken seriously. It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. (Benjamin Disraeli) It is my hearts desire that I must be no more, that He be known more. (Saheed B. Olalekan) It is never easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. It is not a war on drugs; it's a war on people. It is not against the law to be stupid, but it is stupid to be against the law. It is not always easy to ... apologize, begin over, take advise, be unselfish, keep trying, be considerate, think and then act, profit by mistakes, forgive and forget ... but it usually pays. (Richard Hamilton) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • It is not always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. It is not how busy you are, but why you are busy- the bee is praised, the mosquito is swatted. It is not how much we do, but how much love we put into doing it. It is not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving. (Mother Teresa) It is not raining. The sky leaks. It is not 'seeing' the light that impacts one's life; it is never 'ceasing' to see the light that impresses one's life, spirit, heart and soul. (Diane Lahaie) It is not talking but walking that will bring us to heaven. (Matthew Henry) It is not that I disagree with you, it is just that I'm not in full accord. It is not that we don't know the right answers, it is just that we don't ask the right questions. (Tony Robbins) It is not the difference between people that is the difficulty; it is the indifference. It is not the employer who pays wages- he only handles the money ... It is the product that pays wages. It is not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it. (Lena Horne) It is not the lofty sails but the unseen wind that moves the ship. It is not the moutain ahead that's wearing me out, it's the grain of sand in my shoe. It is not the people who tell all they know that cause most of the trouble in the world- it's the ones who tell more. It is not the relation which is important, but the relationship that is important! It is not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog. It is not the speaker who controls communication, but the listener. It is not the years in your life, but the life in your years that count. (Adlai Stevenson) It is not what a teenager knows that worries his parents. It's how he found out. It is not what they say about you, it's what they whisper. It is not what you are that holds you back, it is what you think you are not. (Denis Waitley) It is not what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about. (Dale Carnegie) It is not what you would do with your millions should riches ness be your lot. It is what you are doing at present with the dollar and quarter you've got. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • It is not what's right about war, it's about what's left. It is not your position that makes you happy or unhappy, it's your disposition. It is not, how much you know ... It is making the best use of what you know! It is OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound. It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) It is one's attitude at the beginning of a task which will, more than anything else, determine its outcome. It is our responsibility, not ourselves that we should take seriously. It is seldom easy to do what's right or right to do what's easy. It is strange how an earthquake 4,000 miles away seems less of a catastrophe than the first scratch on your new car. It is taken me all my life to understand that it is not necessary to understand everything. (Rene Coty) It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with the pearl. It is time to quit playing church and start being the church. (Keith Green) It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered. It is wonderful what God can do with a broken heart, if He gets all the pieces. (Samuel Chadwick) It is your attitude and not your aptitude that determines your altitude. (Zig Zigler) It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It takes less time to do the thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong. It takes more money to amuse todays children than it took to educate their parents. It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. It was all so different before everything changed. I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?" I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is a temporary situation. I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened. (Mark Twain) I've to say NO to the good so I can say YES to the best. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should not put up such misleading notices", said Joe. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE." Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Just as children bring their broken toys for us to mend, I brought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend. Instead of leaving him in peace to work alone, I stuck around and tried to help with ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried "how could you be so slow?" "My child", he said, "What could I do, you never did let go". Just as war is more the absence of love than the presence of hate, and darkness is the absence of light, a negative attitude is the absence of a positive one. Just because a person grows older, it doesn't mean he necessarily grows up. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. Just think, children, said the missionary, "in Africa there are six million square miles where little boys and girls have no Sunday School. Now, what should we all strive to save money for?" "To go to Africa!" Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today. Justice without force is powerless. Force without justice is tyrannical. (Blaise Pascal) Karl Marx's Mother: If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great. (Mark Twain) Keep eye on many, but thoughts on one. Shake hands with many, but give your heart to one. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin) Keep your head and your heart in the right direction and you will not have to worry about your feet. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Keep your head in the clouds … you're the first to know when it rains, and it's easier to see the silver lining. Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable. (Erma Bombeck) Killing time murders opportunities. Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. (Mother Teresa) Kindness has converted more sinners, than zeal, eloquence or learning. (F. W. Faber) Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the mute can speak. Kisses are like tears, the only real ones are the ones you can't hold back. Knowing is not enough; we must Apply. Willing is not enough; we must Do. (Goethe) Knowing what to say is not always necessary; just the presence of a caring friend can make a world of difference. (Sheri Curry) Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing. Knowledge is of two kinds: we know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information upon it. (Samuel Johnson) Knowledge is that which is acquired by learning. Wisdom is knowing what to do with it? Knowledge of God can be fully given to man only in a Person, never in a doctrine. Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens. Language is the dress of thought. (Johnson) Last night I dreamed my life was done, and heaven's gates flung wide. And with kindly grace, an angel ushered me inside. And there stood those I'd shunned or judged unworthy or unclean. Indignant words rose to my lips, but never were set free, on every face showed stunned surprise: no one expected me. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it! Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes thing more acceptable for awhile. Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart. Laughter is the jam on the toast of life; it adds flavour, keeps it from becoming too dry, and makes it easier to swallow. Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. (Otto von Bismarck 1815-1898 German chancellor) Lawyer (n): Larval stage of Politician. Lazy ness is the only luxury that not even a millionaire can afford. Leaders help others to succeed. (Erin Templet) Leadership is an opportunity to serve. It is not a trumpet call to self importance. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Leadership is the ability to get men to do what they don't want to do and like it. (Harry S. Truman) Learn from other people's mistakes, life isn't long enough to make them all yourself. Learn from the past. Live for today. Look for tomorrow. Take a nap this afternoon Learn to listen, opportunity often knocks softly. Learn to say no. It will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin. (Charles Haddon Spurgeon) Learning history is easy. Learning its lessons is almost impossible. Learning is forging a head. Thinking is foraging a head. Leave loved ones always with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. Let me give so much time to the improvement of myself that I shall have no time to criticize others. (Dean Cresham) Let nature take its course and hope it passes. Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning. (Sir Winston Churchill) Let perseverance be your engine and hope your fuel. (H. Jackson Brown Jr.) Let us realize that the privilege to work is a gift, that power to work is a blessing, that love of work is success. (David O. McKay) Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry. (Mark Twain) Lets face it, the world would be a boring place without oppressive governments. If we were free to do or say whatever we wanted, it wouldn't be exciting to do or say anything. (James Maverick Cook) Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. (Soren Kierkegaard 1813-1855) Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to it. Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up, depends upon what you're made of. Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life. Life is an echo. What you send out - you get back. What you give you get. Life is fragile ... handle with prayer. Life is full of surprises. Just say "never" and you'll see. Life is hard, no one makes it out alive. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know when you'll find a nut. Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will. (Jawaharlal Nehru) Life is like a game of tennis; the player who serves well seldom loses. Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense. Life is like a ladder, the higher you climb, the more expansive your view is. (Taimi Megivern) Life is like a mirror, if you frown at it, it frowns back; if you smile, it returns the greeting. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes. Life is like an onion. You peel it off layer by layer and sometimes you cry. Life is mostly froth and bubble; two things stand like stone: kindness in another's trouble, courage in our own. Life is much like writing in ink : All you can do is read over your past and look forward to a blank page for your future that will soon be filled with words that can never be erased. (Gabe Suico) Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone. That makes life fair. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Life is really a bed of roses, others are just lucky to have friends to help them pick the thorns off. Life is so much simpler when you tell the truth. Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third. Life is too short to long for money. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. (John Lennon) Life is what you have while you are waiting to have one. Life itself cannot give you joy unless you really will it. Life just gives you time and space. Its up to you to fill it. Life without you would be like a broken pencil... Pointless. (Rowan Atkinson) Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember; and I remember more than I have seen. Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf. (American Indian Proverb) Listening and hearing are two different senses. Little birdie in the sky, dropped a poopie in my eye, I didn't scream, I didn't cry, but I thanked the Lord cows can't fly! Little differences - like a letter in a word - make all the difference in the world. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Little Johnny's new baby brother was crying and screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd baby brother come from?" His mother replied, "Heaven, Johnny. He came from heaven." After listening to his baby brother's wailing for another few seconds Johnny shot back, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out" Live by what you trust, not by what you fear. Live each day as if it were your last, but learn from each day as if you will live forever. Live so that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. (Will Rogers) Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending, give without ending, build without rending. (Nina Roberta Baker) Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls. (Melody Beattie) Live your own life, for you will die your own death. (Latin proverb) Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror. Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so. (David Grayson) Looking back, may I be filled with gratitude; looking forward, may I be filled with hope; looking upward, may I be aware of strength; looking inward, may I find peace ... Lord give me an answer, or give me the patience to wait for one, just do it now please! Lord grant me the courage to do the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. Lord, be merciful, shut me up when my life speaks so much louder than my words. Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish. (Michelangelo) Lord, make my words soft and tender for tomorrow I may have to eat them. Lord, may others treat me tomorrow as I have treated them today. Lord, so far today I've not been grumpy, selfish, greedy, envious, proud, or angry. I'm really pleased about that. But in a few minutes now, I'm going to get up and from then on, I'll probably need a lot more help. Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with. (Rev. Peter Marshall) Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. (Oprah Winfrey) Love and Time: the only two things in all of life and all the world that cannot be bought, but spent. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of. Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination. Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener. Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Love is not a game, so don't be a player. Love is not about who you live with ... It's about who you can't live without. Love is not blind; it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon) Love is not finding a perfect person, it is seeing an imperfect person perfectly. Love is not just gazing at each other but looking together in the same direction. Love is not paid back only passed on. (Nancy Pettit) Love is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity. (Helen Hayes) Love is that condition in which the happiness of another is essential to your own. (Robert Heinlein) Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly. Love is the one word that we use every day, and the one word that words cannot define. (Anna K. Schwartz) Love is the only capable force of transforming an enemy into a friend. Love is the only fire hot enough to melt the iron obstinacy of a creature's will. Love is the unity of two hearts beating together as one. Love is when you don't want to go to sleep because reality is better than a dream. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship, and find out you still care for that person. Love makes a house a home. Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe. Love reckons hours for months, and days for years; and every little absence is an age. (John Dryden) Love sees no colour. Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. (William Shakespeare) Love the sinner but hate the sin. (Mahatma Gandhi) Love was not put in your heart to stay. Love is not love until you give it away. Love, like paint, can make things beautiful when you spread it, but it simply dries up when you don't use it. Love: the only game that two can play and both can win. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • LSD melts your mind, not in your hand. Luck is a loser's excuse for a winner's position! Lust is pure passion. Love tempers passion with reason. (John W. Kennedy) Mae: I've been asked to get married lots of times. Rae: Who asked you? Mae: Mom and Dad. Lots of times. Make crime pay, become a lawyer. (Will Rogers) Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Make no judgments where you have no compassion. (Anne McCaffrey) Make your life a mission, not an intermission. (Arnold Glasgow) Man and the turtle are very much alike. Neither makes any progress without sticking his neck out. Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one! Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has courage to lose sight of the shore. Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best. Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard. Man's way leads to a hopeless end! Gods way leads to an endless hope! Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it. (Maurice Chevalier) Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. (Jim Backus) Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure, when he is really selling himself to it. (Benjamin Franklin) Many folks know how to say nothing. Few know when. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers. Many people lose their tempers merely by seeing you keep yours. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Many people spend their health for wealth, and then try to spend their wealth for health. (Mikey) Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said, "No business here . . . natives don't wear shoes." The second one said, "Great opportunity here . . . natives don't wear shoes!" (John M. Capozzi) Marital problems? You don't need a new wife, you need a new life! • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Marriage - is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. (Erma Bombeck) Materialism is buying things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people who don't matter. Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even. (Ann Flanders) Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes, when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE! May there always be work for your hands to do; may your purse always hold a coin or two; may the sun always shine on your windowpane; may a rainbow be certain to follow each rain; may the hand of a friend always be near you; may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you. (An Irish friendship wish) May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you are dead. (Irish proverb) May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy and enough money to buy gifts. May your life be long and useful like a roll of toilet paper. May your love be filled with life and may your life be filled with love. (old wedding toast) May your trouble be like the old man's teeth...few and far between. Memory is the same thing on an individual scale. Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct; what they like to be is a man's last romance. Men tell you the facts, but God will tell you the truth! Men will spend their health getting wealth. Then, gladly pay all they have earned to get health back. (Mike Murdock) Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how all womens problems begin with men? Methods are many, principles are few. Methods change often, principles never do. MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers. Middle age starts when you have been warned to slow down, not by a motorcycle cop, but by your doctor. Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open. Money comes and goes, but people last for a lifetime. (Rob Shan) Money glitters, beauty sparkles, and intelligence shines. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Money is an excellent servant, but a horrible master. Money is like unspreadable butter, you try and spread it but it all lumps together at one end of the bread. Money is nice, yet nice is worth more. Money talks. I'll not deny. I heard it once. It said good-bye. Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. Money: a businessman earns it, an economist learns it, a banker turns it, a politician burns it, and a wise man spurns it. Moral rules are directions for running the human machine. Every moral rule is there to prevent a breakdown, or a strain, or a friction, in the running of that machine. (C.S. Lewis) More doors are opened with "please" than with keys. Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter." Mosquitoes are a great moral force; it forces mankind to wear more clothes that modesty. Most accidents happen at home - maybe we should move. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Most great men and women are not perfectly rounded in their personalities, but are instead people whose one driving enthusiasm is so great it makes their faults seem insignificant. (Charles A. Cerami) Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. (T.S. Elliot) Most of us are pretty good at keeping promises to others and pretty bad at keeping promises to ourselves. (Lawrence LeShan) Most of us spend our lives as if we had another one in the bank. (Ben Irwin) Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. (Abraham Lincoln) Most would rather be ruined by praise than saved by critisism. Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?" Mrs. Squiffy decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Squiffy. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry." • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Much of the stress that people feel doesn't come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they started. (David Allen) Murphy's Law isn't recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence. (Robert Fripp) My "check engine" light came on the other day. I popped the hood, and looked, the engine is STILL there! Silly light ... My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates) My aim is that when my hands will work no longer, that the works of my hands will still continue to keep on working. My best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself. My children need love the most when they deserve it the least. (Erma Bombeck) My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already. My dog is very obedient, he does what he is bid. A sign said 'wet paint', and that's just what he did. My eyes may be closed, but my mind is not asleep. My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on. My five-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to." My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am. My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it. My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. (Charles F. Keetering) My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. (Erma Bombeck) My love is like a cabbage, divided into two, the leaves I give to others but the heart I give to you. My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Ashleigh Brilliant) My parents worked hard to give us everything money could not buy. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • My pastor-husband has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands. To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "'Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Cor. 6:12. When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" - Prov. 13:25. My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? (Erma Bombeck) My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" My worst day of vacation has always been better than my best day at work. Nature's laws are the invisible government of the earth. (Alfred Armand Montapert) Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. (Abraham Lincoln) Need some time to be alone, try washing the dishes! Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. (Benjamin Disraeli) Never argue with a stupid person. First they'll drag you down to their level, then they will beat you with experience. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. Never confuse having a career with having a life. Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby. Never interrupt your opponent while he is making a mistake (Napoleon Bonaparte) Never let a problem become an excuse! Never mistake motion with action. (Albert Einstein) Never overlook wallflower at dance; may be dandelion in grass. (Confucious) Never run from your fears. Because when they catch up to you you're too tired to fight. Never say anything unless it is kind, necessary and true. Never seek the wind in the field. It is useless to try and find what is gone. (Polish proverb) Never stand between a dog and a tree. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Never take counsel of your fears. (Andrew Jackson) Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. (General George S. Patton, Jr) Never try to make anyone like yourself. You know, and God knows, that one of you is enough. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. New and improved: if it's new it's not improved; if it's improved it's not new. New friends are silver, old friends are gold. Always make new friends but don't forget the old. Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first quoter of it. (Emerson) No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. (Fables Aesop) No answer is also an answer. No happy time is really gone, if it leaves a special memory. No horse goes as fast as the money you bet on him. No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood. No life without the sun, no Life without the Son. No man ever injured his eyesight by looking on the bright side of things. No man ever repented on his deathbed of being a Christian. (Hannah Moore) No man is a failure who has friends. (Clarence) No man is rich enough to buy back his past. (Oscar Wilde) No man is too big to be kind ... but many men are too little. (Matt Maguire) No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions. No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back. (Turkish proverb) No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. No matter what happens Today. You must remember that ... Today will be Tomorrow's past, and Tomorrow will be Today. (Patty Satjapot) No matter what you want to do, there's always something else that has to be done first. No moving parts, no batteries. No monthly payments and no fees. Inflation proof, non-taxable, in fact it's quite reliable. It can't be stolen, won't pollute, one size fits all, do not dilute. It uses little energy, but yields results enormously. Relieves your tension and your stress, invigorates your happiness. Combats depression, makes you beam and elevates your self esteem. Your circulation it corrects • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • without complicated side effects. It is, I think, the perfect drug. May I prescribe, my friend ... the hug! No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt) No one is listening until you make a mistake. No one is responsible for all the things that happen to him, but he is responsible for the way he acts when they do happen. No one plans to fail but people can fail to plan. No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm. No one would remember the good Samaritan if he had only good intentions. He had money as well. (Margaret Thatcher) No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. (Tallulah Bankhead) Nobody is perfect ... I am Nobody!!! Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan. Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Not being beautiful was the true blessing. Not being beautiful forced me to develop my inner resources. The pretty girl has a handicap to overcome. (Golda Meir) Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. (Sign hanging in Albert Einstein's office at Princeton) Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. (James Baldwin) Not our activity for Him but our captivity to Him! Note on a door: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner also. Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. (Rodin) Nothing is as soft as water, yet who can withstand the raging flood? (Lao Ma) Nothing is as strong as gentleness: nothing so gentle as real strength. (Ralph W. Sockman) Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. Nothing seems expensive on credit. (Czech Proverb) Nothing seems impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Nothing seems to bring on an emergency as quickly as putting money aside in case of one. Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at. (Goethe) Nothing tastes as good as slim feels. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Notice: The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with what there is. (Ernest Hemingway) Nowadays we are consumed by desires to buy things we do not need, with money we do not have, to impress people we do not like. (Patrick M. Morley) Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal. (Hannah More) Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest of these is: "It might have been". Of all the music that reached farthest into heaven, it is the beating of a loving heart. (Henry Ward Beecher) Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Of course, there's now a higher percentage of seat belt users. The non-users are slowly being killed off. Often, the only way to comfort the suffering is to understand that you can't understand and just be there. Oh Lord, help me to keep my big mouth shut until I know what I'm talking about. Oh, the worst of all tragedies is not to die young, but to live until I am seventy-five and yet not ever truly to have lived. (Martin Luther King Jr.) Old hippies never die, they just surrender to society. (Stephe) Old love letters are like souvenirs from the past. Don't just throw them away. (Natasha Isabelle) On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. On a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heavens!, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." On anniversaries the wise husband may forget the past ... but better never forget the present. On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers. A little voice from the back of the room asked: "How will that help?" On the other hand, you have different fingers. Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box. (Italian Proverb) One afternoon after a rainstorm, I noticed one of the most beautiful rainbows I had ever seen. I called my 3-year-old daughter, Ashley, to the door so we could go outside and look at it together. With wide • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • eyes she carefully studied it until finally she looked at me and said, "But, Mommy, where is the ark?" One can resist an intrusion of armies but not an idea whose time has come. (Victor Hugo) One day a lady criticized D. L. Moody for his methods of evangelism in attempting to win people to the Lord. Moody's reply was "I agree with you. I don't like the way I do it either. Tell me, how do you do it?" The lady replied, "I don't do it." Moody responded "I like my way of doing it better than your way of not doing it." One day, your life will flash in front of your eyes ... Make it worth watching. One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. One good thing about forgetting is that you can no longer worry about what ever it was you forgot. One half of the world will never understand the other half, and it doesn't matter which half you're in. One man with courage is a majority. (Thomas Jefferson 1743-1826) One must learn how to lose before learning how to play. (Mexican Proverb) One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds. One of the ceaseless wonders of the world is the power of a smile. (Malcolm S. Forbes) One of the most important things a father can do for his children is to love their mother. One of the most important things in communication is to hear what is not being said. (Peter Drucker) One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. (Stephen R. Covey) One of the most lasting pleasures you can experience is the feeling that comes over you when you genuinely forgive an enemy whether he knows it or not. (O. A. Battista) One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. (Plato) One of the surest hindrances to the recovery of the sick is the centring of attention upon themselves. (Ellen White) One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment. (Merle Shain) One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. One thing you can give and still keep, is your word. One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it is holding a parking ticket. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • One unable to dance blames the unevenness of the floor. (Malaysian proverb) One who looks for a friend without faults will have none. One will never reach distant shores, if he chooses to remain upon the dock, in fear his little ship of dreams may be dashed against the rocks. (F.Bolen) One Youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant. "It's like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk," he said. Only boring people get bored. (Robin Beyer) Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, a large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage. Only one life, it will soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last. (C. T. Studd) Only the winners decide what were war crimes. (Gary Willis) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Opportunities are like sunrises. If you wait too long, you miss them. (William Arthur Ward) Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. (Thomas Edison) Opportunity is often inconvenient. Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Originality is the art of concealing your source. (Franklin P. Jones) Others may argue your beliefs, but they can't refuse your love. Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children. Our backgrounds and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. Our character is shaped as much by our failures as it is by our successes. (John Gray) Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than look back. Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth - a sense of humor. Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me. He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and." After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?" "Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'." Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. (Oliver Goldsmith) Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he • • • • • • • • • • • • • said, "the price will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?" Our toaster works on either AC or DC, but not on bread. It has two settings: too soon or too late. (Sam Levenson) Our vision is more obstructed by what we think we know than by our lack of knowledge. (Kristen Stendahl) Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time." I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly… For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa!! Outer agitation reveals inner instability. Overheard during a particular long sermon, "If we give him the money now, Mommy, will he let us go?" PARENTAL OBSERVATIONS: a baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning; a child will not spill on a dirty floor; a young child is a noise with dirt on it; an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. Parents are so excited about the first steps and words of their children, but then they spend the next 17 years telling them to sit down and shut up. Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible, and Darwin's "Origin of Species". Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?" The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother." Passion: A feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you've never felt before. (Andrew Edgerton) Passion: there are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those. Patience accomplishes its object, while hurry speeds to its ruin. (Saadi, Persian poet) Patience is how you act while you're waiting. (Joyce Meyer) Patience is the silken cord on which are strung the pearls of virtue. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes. (Antisthenes) People and their managers are working so hard to be sure things are done right, that they hardly have time to decide if they are doing the right things. (Stephen R. Covey) People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church. People are like tea bags - You have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are! People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges (J. F. Newton) People are never too busy to tell you all that they have to do. People do not care how much you know, till they know how much you care! (Brett Watson) People do not plan to fail, they just fail to plan. People do not quit playing because they grow old. They grow old because they quit playing. (Oliver Wendell Holmes) People forget how fast you did a job- but they remember how well you did it. People forget what you said. People forget what you did. But people never forget how you made them feel. People in power need the power of prayer. People love flowers but they hate the rain. The things that bring joy come from that which brings pain. So this should leave a stain on your brain, the reason why you have fields of grain, is because its got to rain. People may not always believe what you say, but they will believe what you do. People never say, "It's only a game", when they're winning. People pick bad things from bad company very quickly but good company takes a good time to gift good things to them. People say walking on water is a miracle, but to me walking peacefully on earth is the real miracle. (Thich Nhat Hanh) People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around. People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars.... and they pass by themselves without wondering. (St. Augustine) People want the front of the bus; back of the church and centre of attention. People who are often in a hurry imagine they are energetic, when in most cases they are simply inefficient. (Sydney J. Harris) People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties. People who have heard me sing, say I don't. (Mark Twain) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. People who think they're out of this world always make you wish they were. People who value their privileges above their principles, soon lose both. People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot ! People will believe most anything that is whispered to another. People with true character show it when nobody else is present. People would enjoy life more if, once they got what they wanted, they could remember how much they wanted it. People would worry less about what others think of them if they only realised how seldom they do. Perhaps the dominant force in the average life is possessions. Life becomes a scramble for gain instead of a mission for God. We are so busy making a living that we forget to make a life. (A. P. Gouthey) Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. Personal ad from newspaper: Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write POB 74 Pet owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner. Veterinarian: That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer. Philosophy can not be attained from text on a page... it comes from with the soul. (Russ Kolibas) Plan ahead: It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark! Please do not complain about the coffee. You'll be old and weak someday, too! Plenty of love, Tons of kisses. Hope some day, To be your Mrs. Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance. (Carl Sandburg) Politics: Poly (many) + ticks (bloodsucking parasites) Positive anything is better than negative nothing. Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot. Poverty never spoils a good man, but prosperity often does. Poverty within is as dangerous as poverty without. (Rowan Swan) Power works best in the hands of those who don't want it. Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself. Praise your children openly, reprove them secretly. (W. Cecil) Pray as if everything depended on God, act as if everything depended on yourself! Prayer does not cause faith to work, faith causes prayer to work. (Gloria Copeland) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Prayer is the key to Heaven, but faith unlocks the door. (Mosie Lister) Praying is hard; living without it is harder. Precious is the parrot who is trained by a clean tongue. Presence is more than just being there. If your absence doesn't make any difference, your presence won't either. Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children. (Oliver Wendell Holmes) Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have. Problems are only opportunities in work clothes. (Henry J. Kaiser) Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark. Professor to noisey students: "Every time I open my mouth some fool speaks." Promises are like babies.... Mostly easy to make bit hard to deliver. Promises are meant to be kept, for they are like precious pearls in an ocean, their value is high and quality genuine and true, and once they are made they can never be broken. Proverbs are short sentences drawn from long experience. Proverbs contain within one or two lines the lessons of lifetime. Public transportation notice: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you." Put your creed in your deed. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. (Frank Frye) Quality is presence of value and not absence of mistake. Quieting the chattering mind promotes directed action. Quotations are sometimes valuable pearls, but original thoughts can be priceless treasure. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. Raise your voice and your dignity is lowered. (Melchor F. Cichon) Rather than trying to find the right person, try being the right person. Reach for the moon. If you miss, you may fall on a star. (Marvin the Martian) Reading the Bible without meditating on it is like trying to eat without swallowing. Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out. Recipe; a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Refusing to have an opinion is a way of having one. Relationships can be boring - not people! • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Remember boys, flies spread disease so keep yours closed. (General Taylor) Remember that failure is an event - not a person. Remember the golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rules. Remember, don't put it off... Go ahead and do it... If you get to it... And don't do it... You may never get to it.. To do it... Again. Remember, worth and value are not wrapped up in what you do. You are not a human doing. You are a human being. Remember, your relatives had no choice in the matter either. Repentance is never something to be ashamed of. Repentance is sorrow for the deed..not for getting caught. Reputation is made in a moment: character is built in a lifetime. Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us. (Thomas Paine) Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. (Cindy Clabough) Respect cannot be learned, purchased or acquired- it can only be earned. Respect is mutual, if you don't respect others viewpoints, chances are they won't acknowledge yours. Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions, than salt water has on thirst. Rich earn; smart learn. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Roses are red, violets are blue, most poems rhyme, this one doesn't Rules without relationship equals rebellion. Save time ... see it my way. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. Saying remain meaningless until they are embodied in actions. (Kahlil Gibran) Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind. (Albert Einstein) Second place is the first loser. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Seen on a T shirt in Australia:"My wife says that I don't listen (and then in smaller print below) At least I think that's what she said." Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off. Sentences that begin with "all women" are never, never true. (Margaret Banning) Seven sins of life: Politics without principle. Commerce without morality. Wealth without work. Education without character. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Science without humanity. Pleasure without conscience. Worship without sacrifice. (Mahatma Gandhi) Sex is like nose picking. It's fine as long as you practice it yourself, but it's disgusting watching someone else doing it. (Roald Dahl) Share love and it grows; share sorrow and it lessens. Share your smile with everyone, but save your kiss for only one. Shared suffering brings people together faster than anything else does. She is an expert housekeeper: every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent." Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars. (Les Brown) Show a little bit of your anger everyday instead of showing a lot of it on one day. Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things, and I'll show you a man who cannot be trusted to do big things. (Bill Cosby) Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants. Sign at a crematorium: Urn more. Pay less. Sign at animal shelter, Children left unattended will be given a puppy or a kitten. Sign at the Pavlov Institute: Knock: Please don't ring bell. Sign on a church bulletin board: Planning to go to Heaven? Get your flight training here. Sign on a church bulletin board: You aren't too bad to come in, You aren't good enough to stay out. Sign on restaurant window: Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong) Silence is frequently misinterpreted, but it is never miss quoted. Silence is golden but shouting is fun. Silence is golden, and example is the best teacher, so is a silent example a golden teacher ... or is a silent teacher a golden example? Silence is the only thing that can't be misquoted! Silence is the ultimate weapon of power. (Charles de Gaulle) Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise. Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Since thou art not sure of a minute, throw not away an hour. (Benjamin Franklin) Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special regard to those who, by the accidents of time, or place, or circumstances, are brought into closer connection with you. (Saint Augustine of Hippo) Sing like you know the words; dance like no one's watching; and love like it's never going to hurt. Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. That's relativity. (A. Einstein) Skier; one who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Slight not what's near, while aiming at what's far. (Euripides 480406 B.C.) Smile! It increases your face value. Smile.... it makes others wonder what you're thinking. Snowflakes are one of natures most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together. (Vista M. Kelly) So many people will walk in and out of your life, but those who leave foot prints are true friends. Some books have table of contents; others have no contents. (Melchor F. Cichon) Some cause happiness wherever they go; Others whenever they go. Some goals are so worthy, it's glorious even to fail. Some have the wisdom of old age and the energy of youth. Most have the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. Some minds are like concrete... all mixed up and permanently set. Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. (Doug Larson) Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. Some open minds should be closed for repairs. Some people are about as helpful as a porcupine in a balloon factory. (Donna Early) Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. Some people are bitter, some sour, others are sweet. Who you hang out with depends on your taste. Some people are wise, and some are otherwise. (Mark Twain) Some people attend church three times in their lives: when they're hatched, when they're matched, and when they're dispatched. Some people change when they see the light, others when they feel the heat. (Caroline Schoeder) Some people complain because the roses have thorns. Others give thanks because the thorns have roses. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Some people drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge, while some others only gargle. Some people grin and bear it. Others smile and change it. Some people grumble because roses have thorns. Be thankful instead that thorns have roses. Some people hate waking up and getting out of bed. I enjoy it. I do it three or four times a day. Some people just don't take advice, they have to hit their own head off the wall to believe it will hurt!! Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall. Some people take too much of vitamin "I". Some people think holding on makes them strong, sometimes its letting go. Some persons don't know the difference between thinking for yourself, and thinking of yourself. Some succeed because they are destined to. But most succeed because they are determined to. Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair. Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. Sometimes I know that there is intelligent life on other planets because they haven't tried to contact us. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." (Charlie Brown) Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep. Sometimes it costs more to do nothing than to do something. Sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Sometimes life can be as bitter as dragon tears. But whether dragon tears are bitter or sweat depends entirely on how each man perceives them. (Chinese proverb) Sometimes providences, like Hebrew letters, must be read backward. (John Flavel) Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. (Joann Thomas) Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. Sometimes to be headstrong, is to be brain-weak. (Bob Faravoni) Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds it in your presence that life is worth while, so when your lonely.... remember it's true, somebody somewhere is thinking of you. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Space is a dangerous place...especially if it's between your ears! Speak softly. If you really want to be heard, lower your voice. (Terri Levine) Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speach you'll ever regret. (Lawrence J Peter) Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by traffic from both sides. (Margaret Thatcher) Start by doing the necessary, then the possible and suddenly you are doing the impossible. (St. Francis of Assisi) Statistics is like a Bikini; what is revealed is suggestive, but what is concealed is vital. Sterilise: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can shatter my soul. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Stride and strut goeth before a fall; tried and true goeth before a raise. Strip us of our skin and we are all the same within. Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralising. (Harriet Braiker) Strong expressions create deep impressions. (Skip Ernst) Student: "How long do you want this report to be?" Teacher: "I would like you to think of this paper much like a lady's dress - long enough to cover the subject, yet short enough to keep it interesting." Stupidity is NOT a handicap! PARK ELSEWHERE! Suburbia is where the bulldozers have knocked down all the trees and the planners rename the roads after them. (Anon, US TV) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. Success comes in cans, not can't s. Success hinges on a passion for excellence. (John F. Kennedy) Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It's becoming the right person. Success is a ladder that can not be climbed with your hands in your pockets. Success is getting up just one more time than you fall down. Success is not forever, and failure is not fatal. (Coach Don Scula) Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You have got to set your self on fire for it. (Anon) Success is relative - the more success, the more relatives. Success occurs when opportunity meets preparation. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Success of today resulted from the failure of yesterday. Success: its an never ending improvement in what you do. Suffering well borne is better than suffering removed. Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety. (Euripides) Sympathy sees and says, "I'm sorry." Compassion sees and says, "I'll help." Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Tact is the ability to tell your boss that he is open-minded when you know he has a hole in his head. Take care of your character and your reputation will take care of itself. Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go for it. (Andrew Jackson) Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it. (Sydney J Harris) Talk is cheap, barbers give it away free with haircuts. Teacher to a third grade student: "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?" Billy: "It depends." Teacher: "It depends on what?" Billy: "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother." Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself. (Chinese proverb) Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you results. Teenager with nose rings, baggy clothing and spiked hair to a friend: "I don't really like dressing this way, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go." Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike. Television is bubble gum for the eyes. (Frank Lloyd Wright) Television is the single greatest threat to communication and intimacy within a family. You may as well be fifty miles away from the person sitting next to you if you're both watching television. Television ruins more minds than drugs. Tell me...I will forget. Show me...I might remember. Involve me...I will understand. (chinese proverb) Telling the boss what a good worker you are is worth 1% ... showing him is worth 96%. Telling the truth and making someone cry is just as bad as telling a lie and making someone smile! Temptation resisted is the true measure of character. (Louis Dega) Thank God for dirty dishes, they have a tale to tell. While others may go hungry, we've eaten very well. With home, health & • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • happiness; I shouldn't want to fuss. By the stack of evidence. God's been very good to us. That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore. (Yogi Berra) That which is acquired without difficulty is dispersed with equal facility. That which was hard to endure is sweet to remember. That which you cannot give away, you don't possess; it possesses you. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. The act of giving is more important than the merit of the receiver. (Glenn Kittler) The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. (Yakov Smirnoff) The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress. (Joseph Joubert) The answer to having a better life is not about getting a better life, it's just about changing how we see the one we have right now. (Angel Kyodo Williams) The attitude within is more important than the circumstances without. The axe soon forgets, but the tree always remembers. (Shona saying) The balding middle-aged man asked his barber: "Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair,there's so little of it." "Well, "said the barber, "actually I make little charge for cutting it. What you're paying for is my searching for it!" The bank of friendship cannot exist for long without deposits. The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith. The beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety. The beloved of the Almighty are the rich who have the humility of the poor, and the poor who have the magnanimity of the rich. (Saadi, Persian poet) The best bridge between hope and despair is often a good night's sleep. The best leader is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it. (Theodore Roosevelt) The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given The best of battles are won on our knees... The best revenge is a vow to never be like the one who hurt you. The best things in life aren't things. (Art Buchwald) The best time to plant an oak tree is 20 years ago, the next best time is right now! The best way to beat your enemy is to beat him at politeness. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. The best way to have the last word is to apologize. The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it. The best way to overcome temptation is to avoid the tempting situation. The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably generally they are the same people. (G. K. Chesterton) The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. The biggest man you ever did see once was a baby. The block of granite that was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak became a stepping stone in the pathway of the strong. The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis. The burdens of the world on my back lightens the world not one whit, while removing them greatly decreases my specific gravity. The business of preaching is to comfort the disturbed and to disturb the comfortable. The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. (Rabindranath Tagore) The cheapest gift I have to give is kindness, and it is the best. (Bob Kerry) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys wrote a note: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples." The Chinese word for "crisis" contains two characters. One of them means "opportunity". The cold absolute truth is much more preferred than a kind and uncertain lie. (Gabe Suico) The collapse of character begins with compromise. The Congress is a strange place where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs. The contented person is never poor. The discontented is never rich. The deepest waters make the least noise. (Guatemalan Proverb) The definition of a recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you loose yours. (US President Truman) The definition of luck is when opportunity meets preparation. The definition of virtue: Insufficient temptation. (George Bernard Shaw) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • The degree of panic is the degree of the lack of personal spiritual experience with God. (Oswald Chambers) The desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever with the acquisition of it. (Laurence Sterne) The desire of love is to give. The desire of lust is to get. The devil has four chief servants: there's no danger, only this once, everybody does it, and By and by. (Sherman A. Nagel) The difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is about a week. The difference between a rebel and a patriot is wether who is in power. The difference between men and boys ... is the price of their toys. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. (Einstein) The distinction between a manager and a leader is as broad as the distance between control and inspiration. The doctor is not able to operate the notable, because he has no table! The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position. (Leo Buscaglia) The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. The easiest way to grow up is to surround yourself with people who are smarter than you. The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters. The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you love them. The eyes of men speak words the tongue cannot pronounce. (Native American proverb) The farther backwards you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see. (Winston Churchill) The fastest way to find something you've lost is to replace it. The fellow who has no money is poor; the fellow who has nothing but money is poorer still. The fellow who is fired with enthusiasm for his work is seldom fired by his boss. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. The first duty of love is to listen. (Tillich) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • The first time we kissed, I closed my eyes, You closed your eyes and ... We missed! The foundation of relationships is based on the premise of mutual purpose. The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose. (Hadia Bejar) The funny thing about common sense, it ain't all that common. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. (Eleanor Roosevelt) The gap between advice and help is very wide. The girl with a future avoids a man with a past. (Evan Esar) The glass is not half-empty, it’s just twice as big as it needs to be. The graduate with a Science degree asks: "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?" The great lie of the news media: "I am the public". The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. (Holmes) The greatest actions of love often got unnoticed. The greatest fool of all is the man who fools himself. The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own. (Benjamin Disraeli) The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot. (Walter Bagehut) The greatest strength a champion can hold is humility. (Vince Lombardi) The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. The greatest tragedy is when man gives up what he wants most for what he wants now! The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The heart has reasons which reason does not understand. The heart that loves is always young. (Greek proverb) The height of your accomplishments will equal the depth of your convictions. (William F. Scolavino) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • The heights by great men reached and kept were not obtained by sudden flight. But they, while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night. (Thomas S. Monson) The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly. (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche) The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in traffic! The idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. The insane create worlds, the sane live in them... the sane create cages, the insane live in them. (Kappa Maki) The Iron Rule: Don't do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn't do for themselves. The key to happiness is not fixing your problems but changing your attitude towards your problems. The label "All new" or "Completely new" means the price went way up. The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population. The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise. The lesson is what you read in the fine print. The experience is what you get when you don't. The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else. (George Bernard Shaw) The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again." The longer you wait, the better the date. (Myriad Sky) The Lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. The love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. Love isn't love till you give it away. The love of parents for their child is measured by the length they will go to compete with the world for the love of that child. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on. (Robert Bloch) The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. (Edward Phelps) The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. (Wilhelm Steckel) The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • and 44?" Johnny quickly replied: "CBS, NBC, HBO and the Cartoon Network." The meaning of life is not a question to be answered, but an event to be experienced. The measure of a man is not the number of servants he has, but the number of people he serves. The memory of bad quality lasts longer than the shock of high prices. The mind can only stand what the butt can endure. The mind is like a parachute, it's no good unless it's open! The mind of a poet begins with an H and ends with a T, listening with an EAR in between. (Lori Herber) The minister selected a 50-cent item at a convenience store, but then discovered he didn't have any money with him. "I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the clerk, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons." "Perhaps," suggested the clerk, "I could come twice." The minute you start talking about what you are going to do if you lose, you have lost. (George Schultz) The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. The moral test of any society is how is treats its weakest: children, elderly, sick, needy and handicapped. (Senator Hubert Humphrey) The more I know the more I know I don't know. The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. The most beautiful discovery two friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position. (Leo Buscaglia) The most important thing in the application development is the name. An application will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable application. The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management. (Scott Adams) The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future. The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from. The noblest revenge is to forgive. (Thomas Fuller) The obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, but the illusion of knowledge. The old rule of an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind.(Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr) The older I get, the older old is. The one thing you can give and still keep is your word. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • The one who makes it, sells it. The one who buys it, never uses it. The one that uses it, never knows that he's using it. What is it? A coffin. The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe. (Rob Kalnitsky) The only justification for ever looking down on someone is to lift them up. (Jesse Jackson) The only man who is a bigger fool than the one who knows it all is the one who will argue with him. The only new thing in this world, is the history you did not know. (Harry Truman) The only place you can win a football game is on the field. The only place you can lose it is in your head. (Darrell Royal) The only routine with me is no routine at all. (Jackie Kennedy) The only stupid question is the question you don't ask. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. The only thing I like about the stones that come in my way is, once I pass across them, they automatically become my milestones! The only thing worse than an ignorant man is an ignorant man with a bible. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional. The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. The only way to be free is to limit yourself. (Jason Benson) The only way to make a dream come true is to wake up and live it. The opinion of the intelligent is better than the certainty of the ignorant. (Egyptian proverb) The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. The optimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a blessing." The pessimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a mess." The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity. (Sir. Winston Churchill) The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true. The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." The palest ink is better than the strongest memory. (Chinese Proverb) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • The past is history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. The Pastor said, "Today I've prepared a $10 sermon on fire and brimstone that will take me about an hour and half to deliver, and I've prepared a $50 sermon on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to give, and I've got a 10 minute $100 sermon on love and generosity. We'll take the collection at this time to see which one y'all vote for." The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you. (Nancy Astor) The people who holler "All power to the people!" want power to be handed to the people who holler "All power to the people!". The person who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. The person who says he trusts no one should include himself. The pessimist complains about the direction of the wind, the optimist expects the direction to change, but the leader simply adjusts the sails! The preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he published the following message in the church bulletin: This...is...the...way...the...church...sometimes...looks...to...the...preac her...when…he...goes...into...the...pulpit. Itwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch. The price of greatness is responsibility. (Winston Churchill) The price of liberty is eternal vigilance. (Thomas Jefferson) The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while. The priest asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?" "No, I'm just waiting." "Waiting for what?" "Wanna know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer." The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat. The purpose of education is to replace an empty mind with an open one. The quality of expectations determines the quality of our action. The quest for beauty is a quest for love. The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly; In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings. The real act of discovery is not in finding new lands, but in seeing with new eyes. (Marcel Proust) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time. But also to leave the wrong thing unsaid at the most tempting moment. The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money. (Bernard Meltzer) The real problem concerning your leisure is how to keep other people from using it. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy". The reason why people do not obtain success is because it is disguised as hard work. The rich invest; the smart investigate. The richest person in the world is not the one who still has the first dollar they ever earned. It's the person who still has their first friend. (Martha Mason 1864 - 1949) The road to success is always under construction. The safest way to cross life's streets is to hold hands. The same sun that melts butter hardens clay. (Donald Meyer) The secret of happiness is to admire without desire. The secret of true greatness is simplicity. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. (Albert Einstein) The ship is safer in the harbour, but it is not meant for that. The shortest books: 1) A guide to arab democracies 2) Everything men know about women 3) The Amish phonebook The silence of one man can be louder than the screaming of 10 boys! The small print takes away what the big print grants! The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears. The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease..sometimes it gets replaced. The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving, and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and yet remain so prosperous. One day a friend said: "We can't understand it. You give far more than any of the rest of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give." "That's easy to explain," the farmer said. "I keep shoveling into God's bin, and God keeps shoveling back into mine, and God has the bigger shovel." The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home. (Confucius) The sum of human knowledge is not contained in any one language. The sun, reflecting upon the mud of strands and shores, is unpolluted in his beam. (J.Taylor) The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy interrupted. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • "My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!" The taste of low quality lingers long after the satisfaction of low price. The teacher smiled at her Sunday school group and exclaimed, "All right, class, all those who want to go to Heaven raise your hands." Everybody in the class had a hand raised, except one boy. "Don't you want to go to Heaven?" asked the teacher. "I can't ma'am. My mom wants me to come straight home." The teenage daughter, Cathy, had just been given family car privileges. One Friday night she returned home from a party late. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM Cathy sleepily walked into the kitchen to face the question "What time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car," commented her straight-faced father! The tip you leave now for lunch would have bought you one twenty years ago. The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. (Benjamin Mays) The tragedy of life is what dies in the hearts and souls of people while they live. (Albert Einstein) The trouble is, by the time you have money to burn, the fire has gone out. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. The trouble with man is two-fold; he cannot learn truths which are too complicated.. he forgets truths which are too simple. The trouble with work is - it's so daily. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it. The truth will set you free...but first, it will make you miserable. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. (Martin Luther King Jr.) The vulgar only laugh, but never smile; whereas well-bred people often smile, but seldom laugh. (Lord Chesterfield) The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. (Dolly Parton) The way to make the cold winter go fast is to sign a note in October that becomes due in six months. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • The way you see people is the way you treat them. And the way you treat them is what they become. (Johann W. Von Goethe) The weak can never Forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the Strong. (Mahatma Gandhi) The whisper of a pretty girl can be heard further than the roar of a lion. (Arab proverb) The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital. The willow knows what the storm does not; the power to endure harm outlives the power to inflict it. The woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right.... But she is more often left. The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million meteorologists. The woods are always empty if you're a poor hunter. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. The world is a great big book, of which those who never travel read only one page. (Augustine) The world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. (Sean O'Casey) The world is composed of givers and takers..the takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better. The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. (Robert Frost) The world is like a beehive: We all enter by the same door but we live in different cells. The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it. The world may be your oyster, but it doesn't mean you'll get its pearl. The world was not given to us by our parents, it was lent to us by our children! The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance. The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. The zoo is a place for animals to study the behaviour of human beings. There are 10 types of people in the country, those who understand binary and those who don't. There are 2 fools in every market: one asks too little, one asks too much. (Russian proverb) There are 4 Santa Claus stages: 1) When you believe in Santa. 2) When you don't believe in Santa. 3) When you are Santa. 4) When you look like Santa. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers. (Robert Orben) There are four types of people in this world. There are people that make things happen. There are people that watch things happen. There are people that wonder what happened. And there are people that don't know anything happened. There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. There are no hopeless situations -- only people who are hopeless about them. (Dinah Shore) There are no passengers on spaceship Earth- we are all the crew. There are no strangers in this world, just friends we've never met. There are no substitutes for fresh air, sunshine and exercise. There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't." There are some days I practice positive thinking. And other days I'm not positive, I am thinking. There are three billion women who don't look like super models and ONLY eight who do. There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt. There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't. There are three secrets to success: The first is "Keep your eyes and ears open." The second is "Don't tell everything you know." There are three sides to any story, my side, his side and the truth. There are three things extremely hard; steel, a diamond and to know ones self. There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself; hire someone; or forbid your kids to do it. There are three ways to obtain wealth: inheritance, luck, and hard work. None is guaranteed, but you have no influence over the first two. There are times when forgetting can be just as important as remembering- and even more difficult. There are too many mediocre things to deal with. Love shouldn't be one of them. There are too many people praying for mountains of difficulty to be removed, when what they really need is courage to climb them. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works. There are two types of pain in this life; that of discipline, which lasts a short while ... and that of regret, which can last a life time. There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark, and others who just leave a stain. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • There are two types of people who can tell you the truth about yourself: an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly. There are two ways to be contented: one is liking what you do, and the other is doing what you like. There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. (Albert Einstein) There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. (Ashley Brilliant) There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path! (Morpheous) There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first. When you learn to live for others, they will live for you. (Paramahansa Yogananda) There is a pill for every ill, and a bill for every pill. There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called a "Monday." There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.(E.C. McKenzie) There is an “exception to every rule” - and most people think they are it. There is no "I" in team, but there is a "ME". There is no future in spending the present worrying about the past. There is no future in time travel. There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience. (French proverb) There is no such thing as a hole on your side of the canoe. (native Indian saying) There is no such thing as a 'self-made' person. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success. (George Matthew Adams) There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money. (William Weld) There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of even one small candle. (Robert Alden) There is nothing as strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength. (Ralph W. Cockman) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it with reluctance. There is nothing wrong in having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it. There is nothing wrong with people possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches possess people. ( Billy Graham) There is only one real failure in life that is possible, and that is not to be true to the best we know. (Frederick Farrar) There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from experience. (Archibald McLeish) There is only one thing that feels better than to be loved... to love! (Derek Prince in 'Caring for widows and orphans') There is so much bad in the best of us and so much good in the worst of us that it doesn't behoove any of us to talk about the rest of us. There is some consolation in the fact that even if your dreams haven't come true- neither have your nightmares. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." There is truth in humor, but not humor in truth. There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. (Elie Wiesel) There was a break at the prison yesterday. An ex-fortune teller, described as being short with dark hair, broke out of prison. The public is advised to be on the lookout for a small medium at large. There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'" There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!" • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • There you go, tracking mud all over the house. Didn't I tell you to wipe your feet before you came in! Oh, nobody's blaming you, Mom. You did all you could. They are happiest who have power to gather wisdom from a flower. (Mary Howitt) They have all sorts of new services today. Now they've got a dial-aprayer service for atheists. You call a number and nobody answers. They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keillor) They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em! Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least. (Goethe) Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought. Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it. (Henry Ford) Those we hurt the most are often those we love the most. Those who admire the freedom of birds have never built a nest. Those who are at war with others are seldom at peace with themselves. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. Those who do not find time for exercise will have to find time for illness. Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either. (Golda Meir) Those who do not plan for the future have to live through it anyway. Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim. Those who jump to conclusions often land in ignorance. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it. Those who talk don't know, those who know don't talk ... Those who want to learn listen; those who know it all interrupt. Those with the best advice usually offer no advice. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. (Carl Bard) Thoughts lead to acts. Acts lead to habits. Habits lead to character. And our character will determine our eternal destiny. Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire themselves to learn if it's really hot. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond. Time heals nothing, it merely re-arranges our memory. (Gary Numan) Time is a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Time is like money: you can either spend, waste, or invest! Time is relative... The mind makes it slow, the heart makes it fast, our friends make it worth while, and words... make it timeless. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students! Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. To accomplish something, the first person you have to defeat is yourself. To be or not to be... I think its a trick question. To belittle is to be little. To cool a hot attitude, apply nice. To melt a cold attitude, address warmly. To do is to be -- Marx. Do be do be do -- Sinatra. To do two things at once is to do neither. To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are. (Sholem Asch) To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human. To every complex problem there is an easy answer; and it is wrong! To find the person you can truly trust, look no further than the nearest mirror. To foretell the destiny of a nation, one has to open the book of her past. (Dr. Jose P. Rizal) To forgive calls upon our love-- to forget calls upon our strength. To get profit without risk, experience without danger, and reward without work is as impossible as it is to live without being born. (A.P. Gouthey) To give counsel as well as to take it is a feature of true friendship. (Marcus Tullius Cicero) To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know. To let a fool kiss you is stupid. To let a kiss fool you is worse. To light a candle is to cast a shadow. To live your life to the fullest, you've got to be a master of economics...after all, time's demand is always far exceeding it's supply. (Andy McIntosh) To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten. (Garborg) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • To love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best. To love for the sake of being loved is human; to love for the sake of loving is angelic. To love is to risk getting hurt. Not to risk loving is the greatest risk of all. To overcome evil with good is good, to resist evil by evil is evil. (Prophet Mohammed) To realize the value of ONE YEAR. Ask a student who has failed his final exam. To realize the value of ONE MONTH. Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK. Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE DAY. Ask a daily wage labourer who has ten kids to feed. To realize the value of ONE HOUR. Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet or … To realize the value of ONE MINUTE. Ask a person who has missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND. Ask a person who has survived an accident. To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND. Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you share it with someone special ... special enough to have your time... To reform a man, you must begin with his grandmother. (Victor Hugo) To say that a man can not love one woman at a time is ridiculous. It is like saying a musician needs more than one violin to play the same piece of music. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world. To think too long about doing a thing, often becomes its undoing. To truly hear you must quiet the mind. To walk only on sunny days is to never reach ones destination. (chinese proverb) Today's beautiful moments are tomorrow's beautiful memories. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, and honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. (Buscaglia) Tough times gets you real friends and others get you tough times. Tradition is a guide not a jailer. (W. Somerset Maugham) Traveler there is no trail you blaze the trail as you travel. (Xochitl Garza) Treat anger like gold. Spend it wisely or not at all. (Grandfather) Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you, not because they are nice, but because you are. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Treat people as if they were what they should be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming. (Johann Goethe) Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some. Treat your friends as you do your pictures, place them in their best light. Triumph is "umph" added to try. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar. Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough. (Dinah Shore) True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like autumn leaves, scattered everywhere. True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost. True happiness may be sought, thought, or caught -- but never bought. True love can not be found where it does not truly exist, nor can it be hidden where it does. True love is not based on what you have, but it is based on who you really are. True power is when what you say is only the tip of the iceberg of what you really know. Trust but verify. (Russian proverb) Trust enables you to put your deepest feelings and fears in the palm of your partner’s hand, knowing they will be handled with care. (Carl S. Avery) Trust in God, but tie your camel. (old Moslem proverb) Trust is like money; you spend it, you save it, you lend it, and sometimes you get robbed. Truth is not determined by majority vote. (Doug Gwyn) Truth is the most powerful force on earth because it cannot be changed. (Mike Murdock) Truth needs no flower of speech. Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value. Trying to squash a rumour is like trying to unring a bell. (Shana Alexander) T-shirt: My heart belongs to Daddy. . .and so do my credit cards! Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. (Maori proverb) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Two brothers were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?" And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit." Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one. The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game." Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and ... Two men looked out of prison bars. One saw mud and the other saw stars. Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained. The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches. Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. Ulcers are caused not so much by what we eat as what's eating us. Ulcers are something you get from mountain climbing over molehills. Under capitalism man exploits man. Under socialism it's just the opposite. (Anon) Units of prayer combined, like drops of water, make an ocean which defies resistance. (E. M. Bounds) Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow. (Ronald E. Osborn) Use what talents you possess; The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer. Vacation spots that are out of the way, are much in favor with travelers today; some find them by planning trips at great cost, and others just by getting lost. Veni, Vidi, Visa: I Came. I Saw. I Shopped. Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano. His friend was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate. He pounded out a crashing march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill voice screamed: "Stop that noise. Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?" • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Never let your morals stop you from doing what is right. (Isaac Asimov) Vision is not seeing things as they are, but as they will be. Vision that looks inward becomes duty. Vision that looks outward becomes aspiration. Vision that looks upward becomes faith Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. (Japanese proverb) Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Walk the words you talk and talk the words you walk. War never decides who is right, only who is left. Was it a rich or a smart person who said: "Money can't buy happiness."? Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny!!! We all get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads. (Vlade Divac) We all live under the same sky, but we don't see the same horizon. We are never nowhere. We are always now here. We are, each of us, angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other. (Luciano DeCrescenzo) We blame fate for other accidents, but we feel personally responsible when we make a hole in one. We buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't know. (Dr. Larry Lea) We can admire what we see, but we can only love what we truly know. We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom. (Michel de Montaigne) We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys. We can only create what we can imagine. (Robert B. Mackay) We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails. We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. We confess to little faults only to persuade ourselves that we have no great ones. (La Rochefoucauld) We could accomplish a lot more if we'd get rid of our ifs and and's; and get off our butts. We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours. But they all have to learn to live in the same box. We crucify ourselves between two thieves- regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow. We do three kinds of jobs, cheap, quick, and good. You can have any two: A good, quick job-won't be cheap. A good job, cheap-won't be quick. A cheap job, quick-won't be good. We don't have the right to ask when sorrow comes: Why did this happen to me?, unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. We don't want a thing because we have found a reason for it- we find a reason for it because we want it. We have a strange and wonderful relationship: He's strange and I'm wonderful. (Mike Ditka, on Jim McMahon) We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. (University of Cambridge Professor Robert Silensky) We have all heard that there are two sides to every story, but after listening to many husband and wife arguments I have come to realize there are three sides to every story, her side, his side, and the truth. We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children. (Ancient Proverb) We have stopped being fishers of men and we are now the keepers of the aquarium. We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints, we spend more but have less, we buy more but enjoy it less. We judge others by their actions; we judge ourselves by our intentions. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. We may not be what we want to be, but thank God we are not what we used to be. (Tim Storey) We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. (Martin Luther King) We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang separately. (Benjamin Franklin, 1776) We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • We must wake ourselves up! Or somebody else will take our place, and bear our cross, and thereby rob us of our crown. (William Booth) We never know the worth of water till the well is dry. (French proverb) We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (Bryan White) We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened. We often fear being rejected so very much that we reject ourselves first before anyone else has the chance. We often see further through a tear, than through a telescope. We only grow when we step outside our comfort zone. We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean, but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. (Mother Teresa) We see things not as they are, but as we are. We should keep so close to the facts that we never have to remember the second time what we said the first time. (F. Marion Smith) We shouldn't deny the pain of what happens in our lives. We should just refuse to focus only on the valleys. (Charles Swindoll) We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth. We take risks not to escape life but to prevent that live escapes us. We treat this world of ours as though we had a spare in the trunk. We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate. We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, have been asked to do so much with so little for so long that we are now capable of doing anything with nothing. Wealth buys leisure, but not wisdom. Well done is better than well said. (Benjamin Franklin) What a dog I got. His favourite bone is in my arm! What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call. (Liz Carpenter) What are you doing? a man asked of three laborers beside a building under construction. The first man replied, "Stone-cuttin." The second smiled, "Putting in time until a better job comes along." The third man waited a moment and then said simply, "I m building a cathedral." What boys say to girls. Did it hurt? ("Did what hurt?") When you fell out of heaven. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together. Can I borrow that quarter? Because my mom told me to call home when I fell in love. What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALL day long. Are you lost? Because it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle. Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven. Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips. What do birdies see when they faint? What do butterflies feel when they're in love? What do they use to ship styrofoam? What do Windows and a handgun have in common? Both are harmless while not loaded. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? What does an atheist do when he drives up behind a car with a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker and that car doesn't move when the traffic light turns green? What exactly is "Unsweetened" iced Tea? Did they take the sugar back out? (W. Lanza) What flowers grow between your nose and your chin? Tulips. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it. (Hugh Mulligan) What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What is done now, is influenced by what you did then, and will determine what you do when now is then. What is listed as the hair colour on a drivers license of a bald headed man? What is right is often forgotten by what is convenient. What is the difference between a Peeping Tom and someone who's just got out of the bath? One is rude and nosy, and the other's nude and rosy. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon. What lies behind ourselves and what lies ahead of ourselves are small matters compared to what lies within ourselves. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) What now is proved was once only imagined. (William Blake) What passes as a woman's intuition, is usually nothing more than a mans transparency. What really matters is what happens in us- not to us. What sees a blind man when he's dreaming? What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. What some people mistake for the high cost of living, is really the cost of living high. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • What sunshine is to flowers...smiles are to humanity. What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls the beginning. What we do in life, echoes in eternity. (Russell Crowe, Gladiator) What we fight against defines us as clearly as all we embrace. What we see is mainly what we look for. What would the world be like without hypothetical situations? What you do when you don't have to do it will determine what you are when it's too late to do anything about it! What you possess in the world will be found at the day of your death to belong to someone else. But what you are will be yours forever. What, giving again? I asked in dismay. And must I keep giving and giving away? Oh, no, said the angel, piercing me through, Just give till the Father stops giving to you. Whatever you do, or dream, begin it now.. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now. (Goethe) When a bishop visited one of his remoter parishes, he was surprised to find only five people in the congregation. He said to the vicar "Did you tell the people I was coming?." The vicar replied "No, but Heaven help the person who did!" When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they expect the pastor to live on the food of a canary. When a friend asked his six-year-old brother why babies are spanked when they are born, the youngster replied, "To get them used to it. (Doug Belknap & Chad Goodwin) When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen. (Pauline Frederick) When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!" When a person wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince them. When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. (Corrie Ten Boom, author and Holocaust survivor) When a woman is speaking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes. (Victor Hugo) When an old man dies, a library burns down. (African proverb) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • When asked by his Boss why he only worked 4 days a week the employee replied because I can't manage on 3 days a week. When asking a question of someone your not sure of, only ask if you know half the answer. When confronted with a Goliath-sized problem, which way do you respond: "He's too big to hit" or like David, "He's to big to miss"? When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed. (Alisha Everett) When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. (Henry Ford) When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there. When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't pray, they don't. (William Temple) When I walk backwards, it feels like I'm helping everyone else move forward faster. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. (Mark Twain) When I was a child I could remember anything …Whether it happened or not. (Mark Twain) When I'm right no-one remembers, when I'm wrong no-one forgets. When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain) When in doubt. . . mumble. When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. (John Ruskin) When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four." When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied . . . "I remember." When no one is watching, live as if someone is. When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. (Helen Keller) When seeking a companion, become the type of person you would like to attract! When signing a contract, it helps to remember "the big-type gives, and the small-type takes away". • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • When someone asks me what I think, I tell them: "I think all of the meat around a pig's ass is pork." (Tim Early) When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. When someone says, "do you want my opinion"?- it's always a negative one. When speaking to your children: say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it. When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion. (Ethiopian proverb) When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place. "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad." When the mouth stumbles, it is worse than the foot. (West African Proverb) When the tide of life turns against you, and the current upsets your boat. Don't waste time on what might have been, just lie on your back and float. When there's a will, there's a way..when there's a won't, there isn't. When there's nothing on TV, most people will watch it anyway. When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When they say Doctors are practicing, they aren't kidding. When things go wrong as they sometimes will, when the road your trudging seems all uphill, when the funds are low and the debts are high, and you want to smile but you have to sigh, when care is pressing you down a bit rest if you must, but don't you quit. Success is failure turned inside out, the silver tint on the clouds of doubt, and you can never tell how close you are, it may be near when it seems afar. So, stick to the fight when your hardest hit, it's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit. When was the last time you did something new for the first time? (Emirates) When we die we leave behind us all that we have and take with us all that we are. When we learn all the answers, they change the questions. When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves. (William Arthur Ward) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • When written in Chinese, the word "crisis" is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity. When you aim for perfection you discover it is a moving target. When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing. When you are born you are crying and everyone around you is smiling. Live your life so that when you die you are smiling and everyone around you is crying. When you are standing on the edge of a cliff a step forward is not progress. (Grandfather) When you are trying to convince yourself something is right, it is usually wrong. When you ask someone to go somewhere with you, and they say no and then start explaining why, you say, "Just tell me the time, don't tell me how the watch works." When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. When you forgive it takes you from the place of the victim to that of a victor. When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this - you haven't. (Thomas Edison) When you hear a kind word spoken about a friend, tell her so. When you live in the past, it costs you the present. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. (Chinese proverb) When you put somebody down, you have to be down there to hold him down. You could soar high otherwise. When you reach the end of light in your life and you find yourself standing before a dark abyss, faith is knowing that when you take the next step there will be something solid to walk on or you will be taught to fly. When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey. (An old Arab proverb) When your heart speaks, take good notes. When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. When your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall. When your parents get finished spanking you they say " you better dry it up or I'll give you something to cry for." What do they think that a whipping is. When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. (Henry J. Kaiser) Whenever an armed forces pilot is involved in an aircraft accident, he is required to make a statement of the cause. One young pilot summed up his mishap thus: "I believe the cause of the accident was administrative. I should never have graduated from flight school." • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. (A. Lincoln) Where does the white go when the snow melts? Where there are friends; there is wealth. (Titus Maccius Plautus 250184 BC) Where there are love and generosity, there is joy. Where there are sincerity and sacrifice, there is friendship. Where there are harmony and simplicity, there is beauty. Where there are prayer and forgiveness, there is peace. Where there are moderation and patience, there is wisdom. Where there are conflicts and crises, there is opportunity. Where there are wonder and adventure, there is growth. Where there are adoration and confession, there is worship. Where there are compassion and concern, there is God. Where there are faith and hope, there is spring. (Larry Reed) Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts. (Oliver Wendell Holmes) Where will you be sitting in eternity--smoking or non-smoking? Where you're going is more important than where you stand. Wherever you are - be all there. (Jim Elliot) Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream. (William Shakespeare, Hamlet) Which Eternity do you prefer? Smoking or Non-Smoking. While men talk of killing time, slowly time kills men. While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. Who gossips to you will gossip of you. (Turkish proverb) Who got it, did get it; and who left it, did regret it. (Algerian proverb) Who puts the thin ice sign in the middle of the thin ice? Who says nothing is impossible, I have been doing nothing for years. Who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one. (Japanese Proverb.) Whoever acquires knowledge and does not practice it resembles him who ploughs his land and leaves it unsown. (Gulistan 1258) Whoever follows a crowd will never be followed by a crowd. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there so many songs for Christmas but barely any for all the other holidays? Why are they called apartments when they are together. Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposites? • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior. (Rita Rudner) Why call it a building if it's already been built? Why can't life's problems hit us when we're 17 and know everything? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why do men have nipples? Why do people have "hot water heaters"? If your water is hot, why heat it? Why do people keep junks in their garage, while put things that worth thousands of dollars out on the driveway? Why do people point at their wrists when they ask what time it is? I know where my watch is! Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? Why do people say the alarm went "off" when it actually sounded like it was "on"? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Why do some displays of "I love you only" Valentine cards sell them in multi-packs? Why do some displays of "I love you only" Valentine cards sell them in multi-packs? Why do the hours at work drag on endlessly when the years seem to fly past? Why do the sick people have to walk all the way to the back of the pharmacy for medicine when cigarettes can be purchased at the front door? Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot? Why do they call it research, when looking for something new? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right? Why do they have ear piercing while you wait? Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later? Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? Why do we act like we know what someones talking about when we have no idea? Why do we always want to grow up when we're young and be younger when we're old? Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon? • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? (Richard Lederer) Why do we have so much enthusiasm for criticism and so much criticism for enthusiasm? Why do we look in our handkerchiefs after blowing our nose? Why do we say there is nothing on TV tonight when there obviously is something on? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why does Queen Elizabeth, who has people to put on her make-up, do her hair, and needs no cash or identification carry a purse? Why does the sun on the Raisan Bran cereal box wear sunglasses? Why doesn't the fellow who says "I'm no speech maker" let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? (Kin Hubbard) Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom? Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it new and improved? If it's new how can it be an improvement of something and if it's improved how can it be something new? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Why is it that the uneducated minds always criticize the brilliant minds? (Kelly Nelson) Why is it that when one man kills another, he is hanged as a murderer, but when one man kills millions, he is hailed as a conqueror? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it that you sit in front of your TV and behind your computer? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? (Richard Lederer) Why is lemonade made with artificial flavoring, while dishwasher soap is made with real lemons? Why is the practice called "fasting" when time passes so slowly when you're doing it? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food? Why lightens the sun our hair, but darkens our skin? Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business", always be followed by, but? Why? is the query of a skeptic; How? is the question of a person who wants to believe. (J Tilse) Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" Wife: "In the pool." Win with humility; lose with grace. WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System. Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it. Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald. (Irish proverb) Wisdom whispers - foolishness shouts. Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. (Plato) Wise sayings often fall on barren ground; but a kind word is never thrown away. (Sir Arthur Helps) Wit is educated insolence. (Aristotles) With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. (Ransom K. Ferm) With money I can buy things; with thinking I can understand things. With righteousness in the heart there will be beauty in the character. With beauty in the character there will be harmony in the home.With harmony in the home there will be order in the nation. With order in the nation there will be peace in the world. With wealth you can live in comfort. With drive you can make a comfortable living. With peace of mind, you can be comfortable in living. Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER: "Well, the air bag works." Women like silent men. They think they're listening. (Marcel Archard) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Women's faults are many, men have just two! Everything they say and everything they do!!! Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you. (Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751-1816) Work like you don't need the money, love like your heart has never been broken, and dance as if no one is watching. (Satchel Paige) Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. (Corrie Ten Boom) Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe. Worry is the darkroom in which 'negatives' are developed. Worry pulls tomorrow's cloud over today's sunshine. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Wouldn't it be strange if the God who made His people free and happy should then give them commands that enslaved them again? Doesn't it seem more likely that what He gave them were rules for remaining free and happy? (Mark Finley) Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. (Mark Twain) Write injuries in the sand, kindnesses in marble. Yesterday is a cancelled cheque. Tomorrow is a promised note. Today is ready cash, use it! Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present. (Bill Keane) You always find something in the last place you look. You are getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. You are getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile. You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven. You are what you think about all day long. (Dr. Robert Schuller) You are young only once, but you can be immature all your life. You better think about the future, for it's where you will spend the rest of your life. You can blow out a candle, but you can't blow out a fire, once the flame begins to catch, the wind will blow it higher. (Peter Gabriel) You can bomb the world into pieces, you can't bomb te world into peace..... You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. (Malcolm Forbes) You can employ men and hire hands to work for you, but you must win their hearts to have them work with you. (Tiorio) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. (Dale Carnegie) You can never understand the true value of something until you don't have it anymore. You can outdistance that which is running after you but not what is running inside you. (Rwandan Proverb) You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips. You can send a message around the world in 1/7 of a second; yet it may take several years to move a simple idea through a 1/4 inch of human skull. You can survive on charm for about 5 minutes...after that, you'd better know something! You can take a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him. (Leo Aikman) You can turn dollars into cents, and sense into dollars, though not dollars into sense. You can win more friends with your ears than you can with your mouth! You cannot hate someone you don't care about. You can't be in two places at once, they say. Then how is it that you are there and in my heart at the same time? You can't be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. You can't build character & courage by taking away men's initiative & independence. You can't do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) You can't do anything, if you believe you can't. You can't get to the top by sitting on your bottom. You can't have everything...where would you put it? You can't help the poor man by destroying the rich. You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's. You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but can prevent them from building their nest on it. You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. (Indira Gandhi) You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. You can't test courage cautiously. You can't train a horse with shouts, and expect it to obey a whisper. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • You could better start giving me mouth to mouth, because you just took my breath away! You could hit someone over the head with a hammer and they would say, "gee, thanks, it feels so much better now that you stopped"... Their glass is a keg, and over flowing with the values of true life. If we all acted a little bit more like him, the world would truely be a better place. (Peter Walstrom) You don't become a missionary by crossing the sea but by seeing the cross. You don't get old, you just become a classic. You don't have to blow out anothers candle to make yours shine bright. You don't look at a picture of a Chevy when you drive a Cadillac. You don't lose if you get knocked down, you lose if you stay down. You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her You don't marry someone you can live with; you marry the person with whom you cannot live without. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. (Michael Pritchard) You either have to be first, best, or different. (Loretta Lynn) You have reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you pray it isn't for you. You have three choices in any situation; the sooner you choose, the less stress you’ll feel: change, accept or leave. You have to protect the privacy of the advice you get, or you'll never get the advice you need. (Richard Nixon) You know it's love when you can't fall asleep because reality is better than dreams. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. (Bob Hope) You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. (P. J. O-Rourke) You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because your all the same. You may be born with a silver spoon in your mouth, but you need gold-hearted people to make your life more tasty. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down. (Mary Pickford) You may not be able to turn back the clock; but you can always wind it up again. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • You may only be one person in the world, but to one person you may be the world. You may pass violets looking for roses and contentment looking for victory. You must be the change you wish to see in the world. (Gandhi) You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day! You must have long range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short range failures. (Charles Noble) You never lose by loving, you only lose by holding back. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view. You only have one chance to make a first impression. You should not confuse your career with your life. You will come across hope and despair in almost every situation. Only one of them wins each time. You will face many defeats in your life, but never let yourself be defeated. (Maya Angelou) You will find that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that's hardly worth the effort. (Norton Juster) You will never "win" an argument concerning religion. You will never be promoted until you become over-qualified for your present position. You wouldn't care what people thought of you if you realised how seldom they do. Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable. (Henry Ward Beecher) Your actions speak so loud that I can't hear what you're saying. Your attitude is the librarian of your past, the speaker of your present, and the prophet of your future! Your brain is that bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office. Your children know you love them by your presence, not your presents. Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. (Samuel Johnson) Your neighbour is the man who needs you. Your problem is never really your problem, your reaction to your problem is your problem. (Brian Kinsey) Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends. Your smile lights up a room like a candle in the dark. I can still hear the song of your laughter. • • • • • • Your temper is the only thing you can lose and still have. Your thoughts can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak. Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment. (Karen Crockett) You're in middle age when you realize you have more on your mind and less on your head. Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got. Youth wastes away, but immaturity can last a lifetime.