How to Escape the Morning After a Regrettable One-Night Stand
Step 1: Create a Non-Sexual Environment
Get Dressed
Immediately covering your genitals says to your partner “I will not be using my penis or vagina in a sexual capacity anymore, so another round of disgusting intercourse is not an option.”
Open the Blinds
Allow light into the room. Although increasing the light level allows you to better see the details of the previous night’s horrible mistake (including all back hair, scars, and physical disabilities), it alerts the subject that you are ready for the day to begin and, therefore, for your horrible, nightmarish evening together to end.
Defecate in the Nearest Toilet Promptly
For most people, the smell of human feces works as an immediate anti-aphrodisiac. If you sense that your one-night stand will prove stubborn in vacating, consider not flushing. This attacks both the visual and olefactory senses simultaneously.
Step 2: Create a Sense of Urgency
Mind the Ticking Clock One-night stands can tend to move slowly, due to the major effects of alcohol consumption. Therefore, you must create a concrete reasoning for their immediate departure. Think of reasons that not only require you to leave, but that make you less desirable at the same time. Here are some examples:
• “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go because I’m late for a meeting with my parole officer. If I don’t make it in time, they’ll reinstate the murder charges, and this time they’ll have more than enough evidence.”
• “I have an appointment to get tested for the HIV virus, and it is imperative that I not miss it, because I recently partook in unprotected sexual intercourse with a transient.”
• “The meth labs I built in my parents’ basement exploded. They’re both dead. I’m not emotionally affected by it, but I do have to clean up a lot of evidence.”
Put On a Tie Even if there’s no real need for you to wear a tie, ties are synonymous with having important matters to attend to in a timely fashion. Putting on a tie lets your unwelcome visitor know that there will be no dilly-dallying around, even though the dried semen encrustified on your genitals may suggest otherwise.
Step 3: Have Breakfast Ready to Go
Breakfast is commonly used as an excuse to extend the stay of a one-night stand. To combat this, have an array of breakfast foods prepared ahead of time, to ensure that they have no excuse to stick around. It is important to remember that, because not all people are the same, different sized breakfasts are required. Use the following ratio:
Lbs. Overweight
0-15
Breakfast Item
Gogurt
Details
Gogurt provides nourishment and has the word “Go” in its title, which helps to preserve your message. Bagels are considered a breakfast for most people. Someone in this weight range will be sensitive about their weight, and therefore will not ask for a larger meal. Nobody can deny that waffles are a meal. There are houses dedicated to them. They’re also fattening and delicious, which is clearly a prerequisite for someone in this category.
15-40
Bagel w/ Cream Cheese
40+
Frozen Waffles
Step 4: Walk Out the Door and Leave Your House or Apartment
Walking outside of your apartment lets your one-night stand know that it is no longer okay for them to remain within the confines of your home:
• Exit your house or apartment with your one-night stand.
• While exiting, flash your roommate a knowing glance that suggests that this person is a one-night stand, and that you’re trying to get rid of them. Your roommate should recognize the glance. It’s the same look you would have if you were forced to attend a Cuba Gooding Jr. film retrospective.
•Say goodbye and walk away quickly. Head around the block to the back entrance of your house or apartment, go back inside, and begin sanitizing your room and linens.