Yoghurt Weaving - The New Alchemy by dfsiopmhy6


									                 SHE                                            HE
Keep hair long to please daddy but has to     Suck on the breast to satisfy mummy.
be cut short once you hit middle age,         But don't bite and make sure you be-         Free                                                                     June 2005
you’d look ridiculous otherwise; attract      have. Don’t play in dirt or get your
the boys but not too much; wear a short       clothes muddy. Or make a mess with
skirt to keep in fashion but not too short,   your toys coz that will make her go              Yoghurt Weaving - The New Alchemy
too long and you’re boring, too short and     funny. Eat your dinner even when
people will talk; study hard but don’t        you’re full and then allow yourself to be    For centuries now, thousands have
bury your head in the books, how will         manipulated by listening to her droll.       searched to unravel the secrets that form
you expect to get married that way; be        Don't fly the nest because that will cause   the foundation to the art (or science) of
sure to hide any intelligence in front of     a shake up, but by now your old enough       alchemy.
him, don’t want to intimidate; excellent      to see beneath her make-up. She puts                  The quest for The Philosopher’s
mark in exam but more importantly have        you through the blender to disguise her      Stone, The Elixir of Life and the ability to
you put on a few pounds, enjoy your           agenda but there’s no hiding a latent bit-   transform base metals into gold have moti-
food but not too much; don’t want to          terness about her god given gender. Re-      vated individuals into the outwardly strange
look greedy, don’t be a fussy eater, re-      member to say ‘you’re pretty’ when her       behavior employed to unlock the deepest
member a moment on the lips is an inch        skirt is polka dots and sickly. Because      mysteries of our existence.
on the hips; always be sure to smile and      when asked for an opinion don’t tell her              People commonly mistake alchemy                Yoghurt weaving is effectively a
laugh but not too loudly, don’t want to       the truth! She don’t want to hear as it      for a half-baked, superstitious attempt at      form of magic. It begins with a search for
seem vulgar; don’t be too easy but don’t      might stir up the fear that a whisker has    science, totally overlooking the allegorical    the constituent elements that form the in-
play too hard to get; never show him up,      sprouted an her chin. But what is to be      nature of the work. Alchemists themselves       tricately woven substance of this real-
have some respect for he knows best,          expected when a female emulates mas-         have often made extraordinary claims to         ity. Once equipped with this knowledge,
Adam and Eve and all that; build a ca-        culine. Encourage her to be her true fe-     hide the serious intent behind their studies.   practitioners can begin to weave the dispa-
reer but only until you meet your man;        male self. Don’t plague her for ruining               The world of alchemy has recently      rate threads that form their own realities
have kids and lose your identity, you’re      your razor and she’s right - don’t hit       been stirred by the arrival of a new Holy       into parallel alternatives they can inhabit.
‘so and so’s’ mum not you anymore;            her - ever! Even if she has you at your      Grail, a product of our culture that throws             Some of the leading lights of the
keep your man happy even if it means          wits, just take a break and scamper giv-     this ancient art into a more modern per-        alchemical community happen to reside in
turning a blind eye, boys will be boys;       ing her time for folly and pamper, until     spective. Yoghurt weaving has been              Brighton and some of these form the back-
don’t annoy him because if he hits you        the mood fleets on by and a flood falls      slowly seeping into our collective subcon-      bone of The Mad Hatter’s very own team
its your fault you know, not his; be at-      from her eye. Being bold and strong are      scious since the arrival of hippy culture in    of researchers dedicated to this sub-
tractive but not too much, you’re a           no longer enough. Show her your              the 1960’s, setting waves in motion that are    ject. Drawing on their vast experience in
mother for gods sake; keep him happy,         ‘feminine side’ to please her self image.    now beginning to engulf our modern              alternative therapies, our experts appear to
keep them happy, never mind if you are        Become her mirror and tease her visage.      “New-Agers” with a force that approaches        be nearing the end of their investigation,
happy.                                        Be responsible, father, make her happy.      that of a social tsunami, one that threatens    proficient now with all basic yoghurt
                                                                                           to drown out the desperate cries of their       weaving techniques.
‘SHE’ by Monica Perdoni                       ‘HE’ by ‘who go’ boss?                       own inner voices. In an attempt to find fu-             The focus group convenes once a
                                                                                           tile alternatives for man’s most dangerous      week and those seeking to contribute
                                                                                           preoccupations, a small band of visionaries,    should trace the Sign of the Rose upon the
                                                                                           fuelled by the juice of cosmic fungi, stum-     entering the Mad Hatter and by doing so
                                                                                           bled upon this modern form of alchemy –         make your presence known to established
                                                                                           yoghurt weaving, now increasingly popu-         group members.

                                                                                                MADHATTER CAFÉ 35 MONTPELIER ROAD BRIGHTON 01273 722279
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     Check out Pulse                                                                                                                                    MHM review
If you haven’t yet discovered this local       other organic food                                                                               Casba, Western Road, Brighton.
alternative to the faceless supermar-          stores, the onus is
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the Open Market. A holistic haven of           yet healthy grub.                                                                                after the pubs kick everyone out, and
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exchange ranges, sells locally sourced         ever use a shopping                                                                              quality donner and tasty chicken. The
fruit and veg, popular salad bags and          trolley again.                                                                                   falafel is succulent with a pleasing
dried and tinned goods. You really won’t       Pulse, Unit 3, The                                                                               texture. As well as the good old ke-
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than this centre of nutritional goodness.      don Road. Tues-Sat. Tel: 01273 693355.                                                           tion of rice's, curries and burgers.
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                                               ‘light master’, who will show me how to use
                                               the stone for some purpose.                     'Coffee is balm to the heart and spirit' - Giuseppe Verdi
                                                       Before I go to my next lesson want to   ‘Some people feel the rain, others just get wet.’ - Bob Dylan
                                               tell you about one of the most beautiful        ‘Follow your bliss and doors will open when there were no
                                               things I have ever seen. A surfer took me to    doors.’ - Joseph Campbell
                                               one side recently and opened up a nanosec-      ‘Whatever you can do, or dream you can do- begin it. Boldness
                                               ond time warp. When space is viewed             has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.’ - Goethe
Two month’s ago, Norris, the Hatter’s          through the warp I saw a wonderful golden       ‘Mad: 1 suffering from mental disease. 2. wildly foolish 3. very
pet spider set off on a spiderdelic jour-      web reaching far across deep space and          enthusiastic 4. excited’ - Collins Shorter Dictionary
ney to space and beyond. He’s now un-          sending thousands of rays of sparkling life
der the guide of the extreme surfers ...       in all directions – Marvellous!!
Dear all, I have travelled far – yet where             Bye for now, Norris x x                    Coffee Trivia
I am I have no comprehension!? After                                                           • In December 2001 Brazil produced a scented postage stamp to promote its cof-
exhausting lessons from the extreme             Catch up with Norris’ travels next month.
                                                                                                 fee - the smell should last between 3 and 5 years.
surfers in what they call ‘web control’ I                                                      • Vincent Van Gogh was a big frequenter of the café society and famously said “I
am now officially a ‘space-wind’ rider.                                 Crystal                  have tried to show the café as a place where one can go mad.”
        This place is certainly very beauti-                                                   • Revolutions have been planned in coffee houses, namely the French and the
ful and I feel safe but it seems too big                                                         American Revolutions.
and vast to me. The surfers say I have         HOWLITE : Gemini                                • At the end of the 16th century records show there were at least 500 cafes in Istan-
much to learn and have given me a silver       Howlite is a calming stone that can be            bul alone. The first European cafes were opened by immigrants from Asia around
pouch containing a small stone. Although       placed under the pillow to help insomnia          1650.
I am not allowed to look at it yet, I’m        or can be held during the day. Increases        • Last year in Britain, £738 million was spent on coffee.
told it contains one atom of every kind of     calm awareness and emotional expression.        • In the UK we drink approximately 70 million cups of coffee per day.
mineral known (and unknown) in the uni-        It balances calcium in the body and is
verse. Apparently it has special powers                                                        • It takes 42 coffee beans to make an espresso.
                                               good for teeth, bone structure and soft tis-    • Over half the espresso consumed in the UK is drunk in the South East of the
and if my training stays on course I will      sue. Howlite helps eliminate rage, pain and
be taken to a being known only as the                                                            country.
                                               stress when it is held. It is said to combine                                             (courtesy of the British Coffee Association)

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