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ACT ONE Int. pnn newsroom

The Puppet News Network is bustling with activity, minutes before broadcast. Produce frantically run around with stories "hot off the presses". Our anchor, BROCK WORTHINGTON (the white male puppet - "Skip Washington" from the old show) get finishing make-up and hair touches. Note: we'll later insert "back-story" - behind-the-scenes humor to enhance the actual newscast. For now, you'll just have to use your imagination. Finally, everyone takes their places. Our executive producer, AARON ROSENSTEINENBERG (a human), counts down... Rosensteinenberg And we're live in 5, 4, 3 ...

ROLL OPENING GRAPHICS: Bombastic theme music over images of explosions, tsunamis, Barry Bonds hitting a home run, Pandas humping, the Pope waving, satanic cult rituals, etc. Through all this, we see WORTHINGTON walking around the newsroom, trying to look busy while really getting in everyone's way. End package wi giant graphic of "NATIONAL WORLD NEWS" smashing to the front of the screen. Worthington Good evening, and welcome to the National World News. I'm Brock Worthington, and tonight, the news is fucking huge. (pause) An unnamed senior official in the Bush Administration has leaked information that the President plans to launch another war, this time against Iran, sometime in the near future. This comes in the wake North Korea's formal announcement of its nuclear weapons program and its withdrawal from the multi-nation talks. For more on this shocking story, we go to PNN's man in Washington, Phil Reporterman. Phil?

Reporterman is standing in front of the White House, surrounded by other puppets doin their mindless blather. Reporterman Thank you, Brock. In an "official leak" today, an unnamed senior official in the Bush Administration

said that the President plans to launch a war against Iran, sometime in the near... worthington Uh, Phil, I just reported that. REPORTERMAN I know Brock, but people have short attention spans, and we have to fill 22 minutes here. Worthington Riveting. We go back now to PNN's man in Washington, Phil Reporterman, Phil? REPORTERMAN Thank you Brock. In an "official leak" today, an unnamed senior official in the Bush Administration said that the President plans to launch a war against Iran, sometime in the near future. This of course comes in the wake of North Korea's formal announcement of its nuclear weapons program and its withdrawal from the multi-nation talks. Why has Iran been chosen as as our next messy target despite an unfinished nuclear weapons program, while nations like North Korea remain out of harms way? Only an expert analyst could speculate. But, instead a lot of speculation took place on Capitol Hill today, as to when this war will begin, and how much of a fuss the Congress will put up, before letting the President do what he wants. This is Phil Reporterman, live from the White House. Worthington Thank you Phil. We turn now to PNN's expert analyst Stan Stanson for his expert analysis. Stan, in your expert analytical opinion, what explains this surprising development that you are about to analyze? Stanson is live in the studio. Stanson Well, from the best I can tell, given our current information, a source in the Bush Administration today said that the President plans to launch a war against Iran, sometime in the near future. Brock? Worthington

Fascinating. What else can you tell us? Stanson Well, in my expert analysis, Iran, and not North Korea, is the planned target for our next major war, because the North Korea story just hits a little too close to home. Plus, the North Korean people are not Arabs. And thus seem less threatening. WORTHINGTON Very provocative stuff there, Stan. Let's get some expert legal analysis from our expert legal analyst, Toupee Lawdegree. Mr. Lawdegree, thank you for joining us.

Lawdegree pulls up a chair next to Stanson and Worthington. He's wearing an obvious horrible toupee and a cheap suit, and speaks in an overdone Southern accent. LAWDEGREE Thank you Brock. You can call me Toupee. I think Mr. Stanson's arguments are pre-posterous! To claim those things are pre-posterous! STANSON What things are you referring to? LAWDEgREE All those things you was referring to, what with North Koreans not being Arabs and whatnot. STANSON Are you claiming that North Koreans are Arabs? LAWDEGREE I am claiming no such thing, and I wish... STANSON (cutting him off) Than what are you claiming? LAWDEGREE (louder) And I wish... STANSON What are you trying to claim? LAWDEGREE

(now shouting) AND I WISH YOU WOULD LET ME FINISH! STANSON Go right ahead. LAWDEgrEE Well now I forgot what I was saying! WORTHINGTON Toupee, clearly you have a rebuttal... LAWDEGREE Now I remember! To claim that we are attacking Iran because they are Arabs is pre-posterous! We are clearly planning to attack Iran because Saddam Hussein tried to kill Mr. Bush's dad, and he is clearly still mad at that part of the world. This is a revenge thing! STANSON That is pretty much what I said. LAWDEGREE That is pre-posterous. STANSON I also said that it is because North Korea having nukes hits too close to home. LAWDEGREE That too is pre-posterous! Korean people look nothing like Americans! STANSON (angry) When did I mention the physical appearance -LAWDEGREE You was sayin' about Arabs bein' dark skinned and whatnot -STANSON I never mentioned skin color! LAWDEGREE Mentioning skin color is pre-posterous!

WORTHINGTON Gentlemen, we are out of time, Mr. Lawdegree, Ill give you the last word. LAWDEGREE Pre-posterous! WORTHINGTON Gentlemen, thank you. That was a PNN "in-depth" 2 full minutes discussion on possible causes for this planned attack against more dark skinned Arabs, in lieu of protecting against the existing nuclear threat posed by the short, slanty-eyed Asians, and their crazy dictator. More on this story as it unfolds. (pause) Turning now to domestic news - while a recent AP poll shows that more people believe in dragons than think Michael Jackson is innocent, the King of Pop's child molestation trial drags on to its 57th day. For more on the story we go to Brian Feltzer from the courthouse in Santa Barbara, California. Brian? The opening of Feltzer's report runs over stock footage -- a 3-second clip, running on repeat, of Michael Jackson getting out of a car. (recreate ontop FELTZER (v.O.) Here on the 57th day of the trial, the prosecution has had a very busy day in court calling to the stand a little boy who was molested -- I mean claims to be molested -- while meeting Michael through the Make a Wish Foundation. INSERT VFX: Court sketch of courtroom that has a little boy on a defibrillator in the witness box. In the court drawing you can see all of the puppet's strings and the puppeteers below the defendants table. Feltzer (V.O.) (cont'd) (CONT'D) Today, the prosecution's star witness described meeting Michael. The boy said that Michael was very concerned for his health and asked a lot of questions about how long he had to live. Cut to Feltzer live, in front of a court house, walking towards the camera. Feltzer (cont'd) (CONT'D) Now those same questions seem like the beginnings of a calculated plan of a child molesting superstar

with charitable access to dying boys. And as they always say, a dead witness is no witness at all. And while Michael Jackson adamantly maintains his innocence, it seems odd that every one of the 626 boys who have testified to date have all identified the same odd Mickey Mouse shaped birthmark on the defendant's ball sac. The defense of course had a different take on the day's events.

Cut to footage JIMMY COCKRING (the black puppet) dressed as a greasy looking bu slick talking Don King/Johnny Cochran type on the court steps with many mics in his face. Jimmy cockring Just because my client let these silly little children sleep in his bed, and just because he played silly little improv games with these children, and just because he would dress them up in silly little costumes, give them silly little improv names, and would use lotion on their dry little silly skin, does not make him a child molester. It just so happens that some dry skinned silly little boys was playing improv games in bed with the king of pop. Sometimes that happens. It just happens. Now what's so silly about that? Just remember, "touching a sick little boy's sick little willy, is not always bad, sometimes it's just silly." Feltzer (V.O.) After the day in court, the District Attorney shared her thoughts as well.

Cut to a mean looking woman dressed in a power business suit and her hair in a bun. S is a hard-core bitch DA. DISTRICT ATTORNEY I'm sure you are all aware that EITHER six hundred and twenty six little boys are lying OR one forty five year old blotchy skinned, make up and blouse wearing, high-pitched voiced, monkey loving freak is. REPORTER #1 (over other reporters) Which one is it? There is noise of many reporters clamoring to ask questions as it cuts back to Brian

Feltzer in front of the pack of reporters on the court steps. FelTZER As you can see, just like on day 56 of the trial, and every day before that, a lot more questions were asked here than were answered. He turns to the crowd of reporters asking lots of questions. FelTZER (CONT'D) What they still have questions about on day 57 is beyond me. What else do you need to know other than Michael Jackson touches little boys in very creepy ways and is going to jail for a long time? It seems that in this case, the King of Pop may have been betrayed by his bishop. This is Brian Feltzer trying to report something interesting from day 57 of the freak show. Back to Worthington at the anchor desk. Worthington That was our four minute double-in-depth Celebrity trial coverage. And now for our "Other World News in Eight Seconds Update," Canada has blown up. We'll be right back. (or maybe put the hilarious pope thing someplace else. i like ending our first act with a good short, almost accurate pointed parody of the news.) From the Vatican today, reporters say the Pope who just turned 152 years old - may be sick. Sources close to his Holiness say that he has a mild case of heartburn and diarrhea. It seems that against the advice of his top advisors - The Pope had the orange chicken at the local mall food court. Within minutes, he appeared burpy and had loose stools. He is now under observation at a local hospital. We'll be right back. ROSENSTEINENBERG And... We're clear. WorTHINGTON Seems to me that if the guy really talks to God, that

god would have told him not to eat Panda Express. ROSENSTEINENBERG Brock, we need to do a better job of getting people intrigued here. People really need to feel the urgency. The Pope didn't have Orange Chicken - he had Orange Chicken "allegedly" laced with high doses of PCP and rat poison. And he's not burpy -he's in unholy pain. worthINGTON Right. Sweeps week. I keep forgetting. End of act one

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