The Blind Detective Black and white, film noir style. EXT. DETECTIVE OFFICE - NIGHT We open on a brick façade office building. A title screen appears “The Blind Detective” with the subtitle “Love is Blind.” It is the office of the Blind Detective. INT. DETECTIVE OFFICE - NIGHT We dolly up through his office, to his desk, where he is not. The dolly continues to his office window. The detective is standing three feet to the right of the window, looking intently at the wall, through binoculars. Blind VO In this town you never know when crime might strike. always gotta keep your guard up. You
Right as he says this he turns and the binoculars smash into a large filing cabinet. He feels his way to the desk, sits down, and picks up the newspaper, upside down. Blind VO Everyday the paper‟s filled with a thousand sob stories. (That‟s why I don‟t read the paper any more.) Sudddenly, a knock at the door. Blind VO A knock A beautiful dame enters the room. She is wearing a form fitting dress that falls just below the knees. She is sultry and walks with a bit of a swaggar. Blind VO She entered. She was a dame. And judging by the lack of crashing sounds, she could see. Lucky broad. Dame I‟m looking for a blind detective. Blind VO Judging by the sound of her voice and the vibration on my floorboards, she was standing in front of me. Somewhere between my desk and the front door. And she weighed
somewhere between 95 and 170 pounds. It‟s amazing how sharp your other senses get (when you cant see) Blind I‟m him. What can I do you for?
Dame Someone‟s murdered my husband. Blind VO She had only one thing on her mind. Her voice practically spelled it out. Bump, two bumps, one bump. Sex. Blind This is a detective agency mam, not an escort service. Dame What? Blind We have to keep this professional. Dame What are you, deaf? At least for now.
I said someone murdered my husband.
Blind No mam, just blind. The deaf detective is down the hall. Don‟t knock. Anyway, you‟ve come to the wrong place. I can‟t bring your husband back to life. I‟m just a detective. Dame I know that. I wanted you to find out who killed him.
Blind Now that I can do. When it comes to blind detectives, I‟m one of the best. Why are you so interested in finding your husband‟s killer? Dame (kinda quickly through this list) I can‟t live not knowing, I‟m afraid they may come after me, some sense of closure, my husband had a rather large insurance policy that is void unless the killer is found. It happened just an hour ago, and time is of the essence. The detective picks up the phone.
Blind Uh huh...uh huh...uh huh. He hangs up. Blind Your story checks out. (He gets up.) Can you drive?
Thanks.
We‟re going to the crime scene.
EXT. DAME‟S HOUSE - NIGHT We are now at the crime scene. We see the exterior of a placid well-kept suburban home. A beautiful garden lines the cement walkway to the front door. She walks ahead of him. He follows behind, stepping with each step all over her flowers. Blind This smells like a beautiful garden. Dame Thank you. I trim it myself. It used to be fully shaved.
Blind I think it‟s nice both ways. (I have in mind back up to this dialogue if you don‟t want it dirty- perfumes) She turns to him suddenly, as the music swells. Dame You‟re such a sweet man. She kisses him passionately on the lips. Blind What was that for? Dame I don‟t know. man around. I guess a girl just gets lonely without her
Blind I know the feeling. Blind VO
I didn‟t know the feeling, but I played along. And I was suddenly less afraid of smashing my face into a wall or a door, as my doorstop was now firmly in place. INT. DAME‟S HOUSE – NIGHT We enter a sparsely lit living room, and now the blind detective is leading the way. DAME This is where it happened. Blind Judging by the temperature, (the angle you have to walk to enter the house,) and the information you have provided, your husband was killed in this room. Dame Your good. Blind Don‟t be modest on my behalf. Dame Be careful. I‟m one of the best.
I don‟t want you to move any of the evidence.
Blind Sweetheart, I know crime scenes like I know the menu at the red dragon. Not very well. I’m blind.on’t order the Mu Shu Pork. It’ll kill ya.and never move the body. This is what I do. As he says this, he immediately trips over something big, making a thud. We reveal that he is now lying on top of the body, and is covered in blood. He feels around, and stumbles upon a gun. and stands, blood on his shirt and hands. He picks it up,
Blind It looks like we’ve found our murder weapon. Dame It looks like we’ve found your murder weapon. Blind (he nods, then) wait, what do you mean?
Right then, she shoots him.
Right in the stomach.
Blind (in pain) Oooh. I didn’t see that coming. He falls dead to the ground. She slowly walks over to him, loosely holding the gun, just to make sure he’s dead. Just at the right moment HE POPS BACK TO LIFE! SHE DROPS THE GUN ON HIS CHEST! HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT IS AND QUICKLY REMOVES IT. SHE PICKS IT UP AND SHOOTS HIM AGAIN IN THE CHEST. AS HE IS DYING... BLIND I have a strange theory dame. DAME (ashamed and emotional and yet ruthless) Yeah. What’s that? BLIND Whoever just shot me is probably the killer. DAME You’re good blind detective. BLIND I‟m one of the best blind detectives there is. Just then, two police officers storm in. DAME They just shot each other, one of „em‟s blind, it was really weird. OFFICER #1 Okay sounds good to me. OFFICER #2 Case closed. I‟m hungry.
THE END Dame Help me. Help me. I just got out of the shower and when I got out this man was standing over my husband‟s body with a 44 revolver. He killed my husband! Officer #1 Get him! They grab him and begin to drag him out. Blind Wait just one second. They all look anxiously at him. Blind If she really was coming out of the shower like she said. She wouldn‟t have on any makeup. They all give a swivel look in expectation. Cuts to dame with obviously no makeup (different from seconds earlier) Officer #1 She doesn‟t Blind If she was really coming out of the shower like she says..she‟d be wearing a bathrobe. They all give a swivel look to her, Cuts to dame wearing a bathrobe for the first time. Officer #2 She is Blind But if she was coming out of the shower, like she said(very excitedly) THEN HER HAIR WOULD BE WET. (IF SHE KILLED HER HUSBAND, SHE WOULD BE WEARING EARRINGS/ I‟M NOT WEARING EARRINGS./ OH, I THOUGHT I HEARD EARRINGS AT ONE POINT./ HOW WOULD THAT HAVE PROVED I KILLED MY HUSBAND?/ WHATEVER, WE‟VE MOVED ON FROM THERE.) Swivel look, they look expectantly…her hair is now soaked. blind
But you did forget one very small detail…. Dramatic Music hits… I‟m blind. Dame I didn‟t forget that, I intentionally went out and found a blind detective cause I thought you‟d have no idea what‟s going on. Blind Don‟t you think I accounted for that? Dame No, I don‟t, you‟re an idiot. Blind An idiot with a tape recorder / Would an idiot have tape recorded you when you were in my office. He dramatically holds up a tape recorder, and when the moment is right, presses play. It plays, “ both officers pivot their heads once again in her direction. She is now sobbin g.
Dame I wanted to collect the insurance money, I saw an ad in the paper for a blind detective, and I just came up with it. it was all so easy. The officers remove the handcuffs from the detective and place them on the dame. They escort her out. The blind detective removes cigarette from his coat pocket, has a lot of trouble lighting it, finally lighting it in the middle. He takes off his coat, swings it over his shoulder, knocking down a coat rack in the process, and walks out. EXT. DAME‟S HOUSE – NIGHT In a not so straight pattern, he walks out of the house.
Blind VO It‟s not easy being a blind detective. days work.
But it‟s all in a
He continues walking right onto the street, as the camera pans up to the nighttime sky. As it pans up, we hear the sound of a truck‟s horn, and the phrase “get off the road. What are you blind” and the music takes us out. THE END