abbas_party_jokes

Document Sample
abbas_party_jokes Powered By Docstoc
					Party Jokes from Abbas

The Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing
that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in
proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be
the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As
a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following
inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the
undertaker-postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it
became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could
fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small
piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal
worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate
solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"



WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE ... LET ME !
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for
her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some
family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and
stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,then tied a
pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,Grandma, you're looking
good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
They won't let me fart."


LETTER TO A MOTHER
A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst
premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I am telling you that I have eloped with my new
boyfriend; I know how upset you will be but I am truly happy. I have found real passion
and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it’s not
only that Mum, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan
in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my
dreams. I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll pray for the science to
find the AIDS cure for Ahmed to get better – he deserves it.

Don’t worry Mum, I am 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I will visit for I know you will want to get to know your grandchildren. Your
daughter, Judith. PS: Mum, it’s not true. I’m over at Sarah’s house. I just wanted to
show you that there are worse things in life than the school report that is in my desk
drawer…

I love you x

Harvey Davidson Motorcycle
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since
you've been such a
good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,
you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to
the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made
the motorcycles, eh?nArthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Yes, that would be me."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the
front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; Most of the
rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; The intake is placed way too
close to the exhaust; And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than
yours !!"

 An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.
>>While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
>>aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
>>He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed,
>>leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the
>>bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both
>>hands, he crawled downstairs.
>>With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
>>kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have
>>thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed
>>paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.
>>Was it heaven?? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
>>Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
>>man.?
>>
>>Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table
>>landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips
>>parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his
>>mouth.
>>
>>The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at
>>the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
>>spatula by his wife.
>>
>>"Fuck off!!" she said "they're for the funeral!"

Subject: An irish Daughter
>>
> >An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
>>
> >Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this
> >time,
> >you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how
> >you
> >were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what
you
> >put your Mum through??!!"
>>
> >The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
> >prostitute..."
>>
> >"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
this
> >family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
>>
> >"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur
coat,
> >title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account
certificate
>>
> >for #5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you
Daddy
> >the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside
>>
> >plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club... (takes a breath)...an
> >invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in
the
>>
> >Riviera, and...."
>>
> >"Now what was it you said you had become?
>>
> >"Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff,
sniff"
>>
> >"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said
"a
> >Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
>>
>
Victoria Beckham
Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo by
her driver. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in
time, the limo hits the cow. Slightly shaken up, the driver goes to see if
the cow is alright. "Is it alright?" said Victoria Beckham. The driver
prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. "No ma'm, it's dead."
"Well you were driving, you go tell the farmer what happened!" So the
driver goes off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later the driver came
back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up. "Oh my
god, what happened to you?" Victoria exclaimed as she saw the driver.
"Well ma'm, the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave
a kiss and their daughter made love to me" "What the hell did you say?"
"I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I just killed the cow."
>Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
>
> They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking
deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world," Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking
confused and simply stated, "Who the f**k is Camilla Parker Bowles

25) A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. If she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer
a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into
his temple Further studies are expected.
_______________________________

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that
they wanted to have s*x without letting their children in on it. They
decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five
year
old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's
a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father
what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell
daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and
then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with
the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
______________________________

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again." The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead said, "I love
getting
flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I
just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my
legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
____________________________
A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a
compliment?" The husband replies....." Well your eyesight's spot
on...."

26) Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
> morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant
> and say 'Happy Birthday dear!', ..... and probably have a present for
> me.
>
> As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone happy
> birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you,...... the children
> will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a
> word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and
> despondent.
>
> As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, 'Good morning,
> Boss, Happy Birthday.' And I felt a little better that someone had
> remembered.
>
> I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, 'You
> know,
> it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday,
>
> let's go to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'By George, that's the
> greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
> go!
>
> ' We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
>
> out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
> tremendously.
>
> On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a
> beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said,
> 'No, I guess not.'
> She said, 'Let's go to my apartment.'
>
> After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I
> think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
> comfortable.' 'Sure!'
> I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,.... in about six
> minutes,she came out
> carrying
> a huge birthday cake
>
> ...followed by my wife, ... and children,...........and dozens of our
friends,
>
> ...all singing Happy Birthday......
> And I just sat there . . . .
>
> on the couch . . .
>
>
> naked.

Essex Girl
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
 "10" replies the Essex girl
 "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
 "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"
 "Doesn't that get confusing?"
 "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S
READY,
 or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
 "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
 "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"



 An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment
on
 the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."
she
 says.
 "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
 "No" she replies.
 "This time it's mayonnaise."


  Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
  The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
  She says "I'll take the red one."
  The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
 An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.
 The paramedics soon arrive on site.
 Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"
 Girl: "OK"
 Medic: "What's your name?"
 Girl: "Sharon."
 Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
 Sharon: "Yes."
 Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
 Sharon: "Romford, mate."


  An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!"
  "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of
them!"


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
  Sharon: "Ok."
  Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
  Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

High School
High school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a freak weather, or a serious personal injury, or illness,
or extenuating circumstance in your family - but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter
and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."
***************************************************
Headaches
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.
After a
> thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:
"Jerry, the good
> news
> is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it
will require
> castration.
> "You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press on
> your spine, and the pressure creates these serious
headaches you've
> been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the
> testicles."
> Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to
> live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer,
but decided he had
> no choice but to go under the knife.
> When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly
surprised at
> how good it felt not to have a headache for the first
time in 20 years,
> but he also knew that he was missing an important part of
himself.
> As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a
> different person. He could make a fresh start and live a
new life. He saw a
> men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit
would be the
> perfect
> thing to mark this new beginning.
> He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a
new suit."
> The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's
see... size 44 long?"
> "That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
> "I've been in the business 40 years!" replied the tailor.
> Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As
Jerry admired
> himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a
new shirt?"
> Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
> The salesman eyed Jerry again.
> "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
> Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did
you know?"
> "Like I said, I've been in the business 40 years!"
> So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.
> As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
asked: "How
> about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why
not? So the
> salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you
must be a size
> nine-and-a-half?"Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how
did you know?"
> "Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough
to know
> these things!"
> Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable
fit. Jerry
> walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman
asked: "So that only
> leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
> Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
> The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said:
"Let's see...size
> 36."
> Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since
I was 18 years
> old."
>
> The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never
wrong on this
> subject.
> You can't wear a size 34."
> "Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my
life.
>
>
> "I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a
34 underwear
> would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you
> one hell of a headache."
>
Italian joke
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in
Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to
begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and
watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without.
George Bush in Hell
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you,
but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people
here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."


George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of
water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think
I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on
the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I
can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"
Man in Hospital with Oxygen Mask
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I wouldn't know, I'm only here to
wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in
one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them, and they're not black."

With an effort, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says, "That was very
nice but, .are... my... test... results... back? "

Blonde Joke
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess
how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally
amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal.
Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a
proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog
back?"
Hypnotist
 A WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband: Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,they're gone.

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of
a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a
headache."I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the
bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can
do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, the husband comes home,
rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her
on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom
and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love
to his wife like never before.

His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the
bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.The wife
sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back
in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
Hell for Kenya
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they
put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another
hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA
hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or
less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Kenyan hell and finds that there is a very long line of people
waiting to get in.Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you
in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Kenyan devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. But that is exactly
the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in here?"

Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole
all the nails, and the devil used to be a public servant, so he comes in, punches his time-
card and then goes back home..."




Paddy Drunk
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating
Ireland's draw with Germany.
Mick, the bartender, says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and
steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite," he says, and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some
fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes
a step out on to the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawled to the door and shimmies up the
door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door ! and says, "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. "Fock it," he says and falls into
bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,
"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Love dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She
>rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
>lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma
of
>perfume filled the room."
>
> """What are you doing?"" she asked. ""I'm waiting for my husband to come
>home from work,"" the daughter-in-law answered."""
>
> "But you're naked!"" the mother-in-law exclaimed."
>
> """This is my LOVE dress,"" the daughter-in-law explained."
>
> """LOVE dress? But you're naked!"""
>
> """My husband LOVES me to wear this dress,"" she explained. ""It excites
>him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
>romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."""
>
> "The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put
>on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on
>the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came
home."
>
> He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> """What are you doing?"" he asked."
>
>
>"""This is my LOVE dress,"" she whispered, sensually."
>
> """Needs ironing,"" he said. ""What's for dinner?"""
>
Tiger Woods
 On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
>in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously
knows
>nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware
>of the identity of the golfing pro.
>
>"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
>hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees
fall
>out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
>
>"What are those?" asks the attendant.
>
>"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
>
>"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
>
>"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
>
>"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"


Gujerati Donor
 An Arab needed heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed
>to store his blood in case need arises.
>
>Because the gentleman had rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally.
>So the call went out to a number of countries.
>
>Finally a Gujarati like Kanjibhai was located who had similar type of blood.
>The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
>
>After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving
>his blood, a new Rolls, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million
US
>dollars.
>
>Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor
telephoned
>the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his is blood again. After
>the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar
>of Almond halwa sweets.
>
>The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate
>the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.
>
>He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation
in
>not so generous manner.
>
>The Arab replied " Sahib - now I have Gujarati blood in my veins ! "

42) A man had a bad case of stammering. He went to many doctors over the years,
>but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe
>I found the reason for your stammering".
>
>The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro..pro.. problem."
>
>The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your
penis
>is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stammering.
>The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
>
>The man was really tired of his stammering, so he agreed to a transplant.
>Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they
>have found a suitable donor.
>
>The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak
>without any stutter.
>
>At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis,
>and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and
>said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak
>without a stammer, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant
donor
>and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."
>
>The doctor shook his head and replied, "That's im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible."
>

Lesbian
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
>
> As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She
>turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "Well,
>I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos,
>fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,doctoring calves, cleaning my
>barn, fixing flats,
> working on tractors,and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.
>
> "She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.As
>soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think
>about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
>when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two
sat
>sipping in silence.
>
> A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
>and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "I always thought I was,
but
>I just found out I'm a lesbian."


Marriage proposal
 A Lonely older lady,aged 75,decided it was time to get married.so she put
>an ad in the local paper that read:
>
>"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group,must not beat me,must not run
around
>me,and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."
>
>On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring,Much to her dismay,when
>she opened the door,there sat a man in a wheelchair.He had no arms or legs.
>
>She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you,are you?
>just look at you----you have no legs!"
>
>The old man smiled,"Therefore no chance to run around you!"
>
>She snorted,"You have no arms either!"
>
>Again the old man smiled."Nor can i beat you!"
>
>The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensly.
>
>"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.The old man smirked and said,"I
rang
>the doorbell didn'tI?"
Lawyer
 A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside
eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children
with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too
kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot
high!"

>

				
DOCUMENT INFO
Shared By:
Categories:
Tags:
Stats:
views:20
posted:11/22/2010
language:English
pages:20