88th Regional Readiness Command The Emotional Cycle of Re-Deployment

88th Regional Readiness Command The Emotional Cycle of Re-Deployment OBJECTIVES     Discuss the feelings and events that take place around reunions Recognize the stressors that affect homecomings Present suggestions for successful homecoming Identify helpful sources of assistance 88th Regional Readiness Command THINGS HAVE CHANGED…. SO HAVE YOU. BEFORE IRAQ AFTER IRAQ 88th Regional Readiness Command WHY A BRIEFING ON REUNIONS?  History has taught that reunions can be more stressful than separations:   People grow and change Expectations can be dashed 88th Regional Readiness Command TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT CHANGE CRISIS OR THREAT Avoidance or Denial Blame Others HIDDEN OPPORTUNITY Acknowledgement Action DEAD END BEGINNING 88th Regional Readiness Command FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS  Separations are a challenge for every family member.  Spouses are particularly sensitive to change.  Renegotiations and Communication are key.  No definite time period for change to begin to feel NORMAL  Can take weeks or months depending on length of separation  Requires NEW WAYS OF THINKING 88th Regional Readiness Command SPOUSES REESTABLISHING ROLES... CAN BE DIFFICULT  Expect changes in routines  Schedules change as people grow and take on new responsibilities  Changing back to the old ways may not be possible right away – if ever  There are issues about time lost and plans delayed  Goals have evolved  Experiences while not the same, are equally important to each person  Put yourselves in each other’s shoes 88TH Regional Readiness Command SEPARATION DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS COMMUNICATION SOLVES PROBLEMS Renegotiating roles within the family will insure that gains made during the separation are not lost Be prepared to do some heart to heart talking. That might be difficult but is essential to reestablish true intimacy Unresolved issues will re-emerge when you least expect it Using effective communication skills will help S.E.T. Support, Empathy, Truth 88th Regional Readiness Command RENEGOTIATION Soldiers wonder: “Where do I fit in with family and friends?” “Am I still needed?” “Am I still loved?” Spouse wonders: “Do I have to go back to doing things the way they were done before?” “Do I have to keep doing everything by myself?” “How will I fit in back at my job? “I like paying the bills. Do I have Do I want to keep the same job?” to give that up? “What will our intimate relationship be like?” “Do I have to start cooking huge meals again?” “Does my spouse still love me?” “Does my soldier still love me?” 88th Regional Readiness Command WHAT IS INTIMACY and REESTABLISHING IT One of the most common mistakes couples make is to think that sex is the same thing as intimacy. CLOSENESS INTIMACY = TRUST COMMUNICATION Reestablishing intimacy doesn’t happen quickly - you’re both exhausted - everyone is competing for the soldier’s attention 88th Regional Readiness Command BARRIERS TO INTIMATE COMMUNICATIONS  Unrealistic fantasies and expectations lead to resentment  Feeling anxiety about engaging in intimacy and sex  Feeling that your partner is a stranger  Feelings of anger, hostility, stress, or other negative feelings about the separation  Concern about faithfulness to your relationship  Feeling that sexual relations need to be rushed 88th Regional Readiness Command COMMUNICATION ENHANCERS          Get reacquainted Anxiety is normal NO MIND READING ALLOWED Speak your feelings. Ask your partner to do the same Discuss the negative feelings, fears and frustrations you have Listen carefully Don’t assume the worst Go slow and allow time to Readjust LISTEN and then LISTEN some more  The period you and your partner were apart may seem like an eternity to you but is only a small blip in the time-line of your lives together Mobilization Birth Marriage 88th Regional Readiness Command THE KIDS  Your spouse may not discipline the same way you would  New family rules may have evolved  Remember even a few months represents a significant amount of time in the life of a child REACTIONS: Will be consistently predictable overall Will vary by age of the child Will pass if you don’t make a big deal over it Shouldn’t be taken personally 88thRegional Readiness Command REACTIONS BIRTH TO 1-YEAR  Cries, fusses  Pulls away from soldier  Clings to spouse or caregiver  May have bowel/bladder problems  May show changes in eating and sleeping patterns  May not recognize soldier 88thRegional Readiness Command REACTIONS 1 TO 3-YEARS  Shyness and clinging to other spouse  Doesn’t recognize soldier  Cries without a reason  May have temper tantrums  Regresses (no-longer toilet trained, etc.) 88th Regional Readiness Command REACTIONS 3 to 5-YEARS  Demonstrates anger  Acts out to get attention  Hangs on soldier: physical contact proves they’re real  Becomes whiney and demanding  Feels personally responsible for making parent “go away”  Talks a lot to bring soldier up to date 88th Regional Readiness Command REACTIONS 5 to 12-YEARS  Can be angry about soldier being gone  May act out  May be anxious because afraid soldier will discipline them for things they did while they were gone  May compete with you for soldiers attention  Shows pride in soldiers accomplishments  Actively seeks out soldiers attention  Wants to show soldier everything they have done while the soldier was away 88th Regional Readiness Command REACTIONS 13 to 18-YEARS  Excited but may act indifferent to soldier  May worry they have not lived up to soldiers standards  Concerned about changes in rules and responsibilities  Don’t want to be babied. May be angry and rebellious  May have picked up some new habits soldier may not appreciate  May have a hard time giving up any authority they have acquired 88th Regional Readiness Command THE KIDS IN GENERAL:  Any initial response from a child can be considered normal (anger, shyness, fear.)  It is when there is NO response that we worry  Negative behaviors that last longer than 2-3 weeks may need professional help.  Remember you’re all readjusting 88th Regional Readiness Command SINGLE PARENTS  Involve the children’s care-giver in the transition whenever you can  Reassure the kids that the soldier is back and will make a home that includes them and they are a family again  Inform the soldier of how things were done while they were away 88th Regional Readiness Command A WORD ABOUT SSNK (Single Soldier No Kids)  You, the family, will feel overprotective of them They’ll always be just a kid to you  Assist them in reestablishing a relationship with a love interest one day at a time  Get them to take time to recharge their batteries  Help them to not over-commit: everyone wants a piece of them  They may need help to take responsibility for consolidating the gains they’ve made  They’ll try to go out and burn their candle at both ends 88th Regional Readiness Command Points of Contact  Uniformed Service Employment and Reemployment Rights Act (USERRA)   Points of Contact 9th Legal Support Organization (LSO) - Ohio and Michigan Act (USERRA) n POC: Mr. Paul Long - 614-693-9727 Uniformed Service Employment and Reemployment Rights   9th LSO - Ohio Indiana and the 91st LSO - Illinois, and Michigan Milwaukee Metropolitan area n POC: Michele Chambers - 847-266-2525 n POC: Ms.Mr. Paul Long - 614-693-9727 91st LSO Illinois, Indiana and the Milwaukee Metropolitian 214th LSO - -Minnesota, Wisconsin and Upper Peninsula of Michigan area SSG Loveless - 612-713-3968 n POC: n    National Committee for Employer Support of the Guard and Reserve  214th (NCESGR) LSO - Minnesota, Wisconsin and Upper Peninsula of Michigan n 1-800-336-4590 Department of Labor - Veterans Employment and Training Service n 1-866-4-USA-DOL 88th Regional Readiness Command n POC: Ms. Michele Chambers - 847-266-2525  POC: SSG Loveless - 612-713-3234 ODDS AND ENDS Their personal habits may need adjustment  Alcohol and reunions don’t mix  They may be making less money: Help them resist the urge to splurge!  Don’t be surprised if they think driving a car feels strange  You, their family, likely do not want to hear vulgarity, they may need reminding 88thRegional Readiness Command SPIRITUAL CONCERNS  Your soldier may have found new personal spiritual growth during their deployment, help them maintain it  Or, they may need help reestablishing their spiritual connections that were neglected during deployment 88th Regional Readiness Command RESOURCES 88th Regional Readiness Command SO, WHERE DO WE GO FOR HELP? VETERAN’S CENTERS OF THE VA CHAPLAIN JAG FAMILY READINESS GROUP COMMUNITY RESOURCES OPERATIONAL STRESS CONTROL TEAM RESOURCE NUMBERS • • • • • • • 88th RSC - 1-800-THE ARMY (843-2769) Extension numbers are 1+4 digit extension Chaplains Office - 1-3021 Surgeons Office - Stress - 1-3255 or 3254 Staff Judge Advocate - 1-3404 Staff Duty Officer - 1-3522 Non Duty Hours SDO - 612-490-6959