Teaching Children & Teens to be Emotionally Healthy

Teaching Children & Teens to be Emotionally Healthy Presented by Avril Z Daley JTA Conference 2008 Multiple Intelligence • 1. 2. In 1983 by Dr. Howard Gardner reported that Instead of having one intelligence we have several different intelligences. Linguistic intelligence ("word smart"): Logical-mathematical intelligence ("number/reasoning smart") Spatial intelligence ("picture smart") Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence ("body smart") Musical intelligence ("music smart") Interpersonal intelligence ("people smart") Intrapersonal intelligence ("self smart") Naturalist intelligence ("nature smart") 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. Emotional Intelligence This one of the newest type of intelligence Emotional Intelligence (EI) • Author Daniel Goleman popularized the term "emotional intelligence" in his landmark 1995 bestselling book of the same name. What is Emotional Intelligence? Emotional Intelligence (EQ/EI) “The capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.” Emotional Intelligence • The teacher's level of EQ is by far the single most important variable in creating a classroom where EI can be developed healthily. • And the single most important variable in the teacher's EQ is how they handle their own emotions, especially their negative emotions. • An effective, successful teacher is largely one who can handle his or her negative feelings in an authentic, real and healthy way. EI in Schools • Is school the right place to teach EI? • The formation of emotional skills is much easier in the "formative" years from birth to the late teens. • School is the major activity in that age group. • However, teaching emotions rarely have a place in schools. Beyond infants school and early primary school, almost all efforts are concentrated on cognitive skills (reading, writing, mathematics,...). • What's more, there is little or nothing in the standard training of teachers that prepares them from such a task. Yet there is no subject where the quality and ability of teachers would be more crucial. • All Teachers have the opportunity to teach EI! • EI is part of the formal and informal curriculum. Benefits of Emotional Smarts • • • • • • • Manage emotions Learn better Pay attention Take in information Remember more Better self image, and Sense of integrity • Teachers have to be emotionally intelligent to be able to assist their students to be become emotionally intelligent. Emotional Intelligence - the five domains • 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. • Goleman identified the five 'domains' of EI as: Self-awareness. Mood management. Self-motivation. Empathy. Managing relationships. These skills are critical for emotional wellbeing and life success. 1. Self-Awareness • Is being able to recognize feelings and put a name on them. • It is also important to be aware of the relationship between thoughts, feelings and actions. CYLCE OF COGNITION What thought sparked off that feeling? THOUGHTS FEELINGS What feeling was behind that action? ACTIONS What action did we take? Developing Self awareness • Labeling feelings: How am I feelings? • Help them label their feelings. • Introduce with their language then give more choices for feelings: “dissed”; “red”, “feel a way”, and “bringle” • Teach them a wide range of feeling words Embarrassed, angry, ashamed, disgusted, misunderstood … • Start expressing your feelings - Start talking about feelings • Start using simple, three word sentences such as these: • I feel sad. I feel motivated. I feel offended. I feel appreciated. I feel hurt. I feel disrespected. I feel ecstatic. How To foster Self-Awareness • Spending time explaining to students the effects of their behaviour on others and to model the appropriate behaviour; • Teach children to express their emotions and to identify such emotions in others so as to be able to build good emotional rapport. • Use stories or song to identify the feelings • Label your feelings rather than your students • “I am feeling disgusted” not “You are disgusting” • Respect their feelings • Ask them how they feel • Ask them how they would feel before taking action • Think about how you want them to feel • Key aptitude: identifying feelings in self and others 2. Managing emotions • Managing your own emotions, handling feelings so they're relevant to the current situation and you react appropriately. • It is important to realise what is behind feelings. • Beliefs have a fundamental effect on the ability to act and on how things are done. (thoughts feelings action) • Many people continually give themselves negative messages. Managing emotions • In addition, finding ways to deal with anger, fear, anxiety and sadness; • It is essential: learning how to soothe oneself when upset, for example is crucial. • Understanding what happens when emotions get the upper hand and how to gain time to judge if what is about to be said or done in the heat of the moment is really the best thing to do. • Key aptitude: Being able to channel emotions to a positive end. • Learn to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than blame them on your students. • I felt embarrassed when the principal was here," rather than "You embarrassed me in front of the principal." • But remember that the children are not there to meet your needs, you are there to meet theirs. • Thus, you must either get your needs met somewhere else, or you must "let go" of some of your needs, such as your need to have so much control, or to feel obeyed. • REMEMBER that respect is something you earn, not demand. • The easiest way to do this is to show respect for each individual child’s feelings, and remember his negative feelings are indications of unmet emotional needs. • The more you help the child identify and meet the needs, the happier everyone will be. Managing emotions 1. State the feeling/emotion that is being expressed. 2. Then give the student permission to have the feeling and state the limits (safety limits). 3. Discuss the feelings later after the student has calmed down. FEEL WHAT YOU WANT, CONTROL WHAT YOU DO • One of the most valuable skills you can teach your students is how to express strong emotions without hurting themselves, others, or damaging property. • Students learn to feel what they want, but control what they do. • Encourage your students to say his/her feelings out loud and to tell the other person how he/she feels. Managing Emotions • Teach children to "control" their anger and refrain from taking "revenge" and to learn assertive behaviour e.g. when they're hit, refrain from "throwing punches" but tell the other person to stop because you don't like being hit. • Validation - Accept their feelings - Show understanding, empathy, caring and concern Whenever there is a problem remember to always first validate the feelings • I realize that you are upset. I would be upset too if that had happened to me. • Don’t Invalidate. • Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. Anger Management 3. Self-motivation • Motivating yourself , "gathering up" your feelings and • directing yourself towards a goal, • despite self-doubt, inertia, and impulsiveness. • When you feel good about yourself you are more: • accepting • tolerant • patient – • understanding • predictable • ====> This helps your students feel: • • • • • Accepted Approved of Secure Relaxed Good about themselves ====> These contribute to healthy self-esteem, openness to learn and willingness to cooperate Set Self Goals • • • • Give them real choices Honour their decisions Don't issue orders in disguise as requests Ask them to help you meet your needs; don't demand it • Key aptitude: to be able to pick up yourself after disappointment • Set self goals and accomplish them These goals don't have to be major one. Achieving goals builds confidence and improves mood. • Goals should be clear, specific, positive and broken down into manageable steps. Pass test Next grade Self-motivation Do Homework Attend all classes 4. Empathy • Empathy means recognizing emotions in others. • It is the capacity to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand how they view their reality and how they feel about things. • Empathy is more than just listening; it is also responding • Recognizing and understanding other people's emotions and tuning into their verbal and nonverbal cues • Being able to size up a situation and then acting appropriately. Empathy • “Empathy" could be learned through reaching out to those who are in need, share experiences of hurt and bad times, help children put themselves in other "people's shoes" to increase feelings of sensitivity. • Pay attention to your own feelings as you observe the other person. • Put these feelings into words, keeping the focus on the other person. • An empathic response concentrates on describing the other person’s feelings. Validation • - Accept their feelings - Show understanding, empathy, caring and concern - Whenever there is a problem remember to always first validate the feelings Empathy • Empower them - Ask them how they feel and "What would help you feel better" Teach them to solve their own problems using empathy, compassion and mutual respect for each other's feelings • Key aptitude: putting yourself in the other person’s place 5. Managing relationships• • • • Handling interpersonal interaction, Conflict resolution, Managing the emotions of others, and Negotiations. Avoid Labels and Judgment • Avoid "shoulds" • Avoid subjective labels (good/bad; nice/rude, etc.) Managing relationships• Resolving conflicts • People in conflict are generally locked into a self-perpetuating emotional spiral in which the declared subject of conflict is rarely the key issue. • Much of the resolution of conflicts calls on using the other emotional skills mentioned before. Managing relationships• Communicating • Developing quality relationships has a very positive effect on all involved. • What feelings are being communicated to others? • Enthusiasm and optimism are contagious as are pessimism and negativity. • Being able to express personal concerns without anger or passivity is a key asset. Managing relationships• Co-operation • Knowing how and when to take the lead and when to follow is essential for effective co-operation. • Effective leadership is not built on domination but the art of helping people work together on common goals. • Recognising the value of the contribution of others and encouraging their participation can often do more good than giving orders or complaining. • At the same time, there is a need to take responsibilities and recognise the consequences of decisions and acts and follow through on commitments. • Key aptitude: Being able to agree to disagree, and express yourself in without aggression and condescension “Assertiveness” • Assertiveness is standing up for your rights and not being taken advantage of. • It is an honest and appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and needs. • Being assertive allow us to express negative emotion without violating our rights or the rights of others. React assertively and not passively or aggressively. Simple Assertiveness • We use "I statements" - This allows us to learn to communicate our needs, conflicts or problems rather that act them out. • A statement would sound like " I feel___________ when you ____________ because _______ and I want________." 3-Step Problem Solving • 1. Stop and think of how you feel. 2. Decide what it is you are feeling. 3. Think about your choices • a. Say “Stop” in your mind or aloud, then think what am I feeling, • b. then say to the person, " I feel". c. Act out your best choice: Walk away for now is also a choice. 2 qualities for Emotionally Healthy 1. Self-love, the quiet, inner sense that a person has about herself that she is a competent, valuable person who is worthy of giving and receiving love. • Self-love is absolutely essential for mental health and the best insurance against mental illness. • With it, a person can face and handle most, if not all, of the shocks and setbacks she will receive in life. Without it, she may have emotional problems with both herself and others. 2 qualities for Emotionally Healthy 2. A sense of responsibility for one's own behaviour. • Although we start out using external rewards and punishments to raise children, we want them eventually to develop their own internal controls. • We want them as adults to be aware of how their actions can infringe on the rights of others, and so be able to prevent themselves from behaving in ways that would hurt others. Remember • Enthusiasm and optimism are contagious as are pessimism and negativity. • Emotions are Contagious, Manage them wisely! • Emotional Intelligence = • Good emotional health WHAT IT MEANS TO BE EMOTIONALLY SMART • You are Emotionally Smart when you are able to: • 1. accurately identify feelings 2. use feelings to help you think 3. understand what causes feelings , and 4 stay in tune of your feelings in order to make wise choice for your life. The End • “Emotionally Smart Children Become Healthy and Responsible Adults!”