Starbuck Macintyre’s Guide to 21st Century Man
Women Want To know: The Truth About Guys & Dating
Believe it or not, men spend more time each day thinking about the best route home from work at rush-hour than they do contemplating the nature of their relationship with women. For what reason you ask? Because that's where the fridge and television are located and you just happen to be one of the amenities in our cave, that's why. In short, it's all about food, entertainment and sex - that's what real men crave. The sooner you accept this genetic truth about men, the easier your life will become. What's that you ask? He was never like this when you were dating? Why did he suddenly change? Ahhh the "c" word. He changed so much after I had sex with him. He changed once we got married. He changed once we had kids. Everyone say it with meaning now change. The sad truth, ladies, is that men don't change. We're incapable of it. Sure we manifested behaviors when we were dating you that no longer exist, but you have to understand that it had nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with acquiring you. Actually, it's all about acquisition: whether it's a new wide-screen TV, a motor home or a promotion at work, men alter their behaviors to acquire the things they don't yet possess. It's what motivates us. The primary reason we're not the same guy you met at the Starbucks in the mall is because we already have you, and we've moved onto something else we want to obtain: it might be a bigger house, a higher income or a new car. Still not sure? Here are the questions I've received. The answers are in italics - glean away ladies. Dear Starbuck MacIntyre, I have a crush on my co-worker. He's really the drive behind out sales department and he's unbelievably competitive to the point of being obnoxious if we don't meet our targets. This bugs me because he's not my boss, he's just a co-worker and he makes me feel like he's my boss. It's starting to impact how I am performing and sometimes I think he wants me to fail, as if he is trying to prove a point. At the same time, he is really hot. I mean he dresses to kill, he's got a sexy voice that makes me melt whenever I hear him making a deal on the phone and I'll admit it: I made a pass at him at lunch the other day. Now here's my problem. I gave him a clear indication that I was interested and I totally flirted with him. He flirted back and there was a definite air of sexual anticipation between us. Actually it's two questions. Am I wrong to be attracted to him and should I ask him out? Lianne Dear Lianne: I hate to do this, but I'm going to answer your questions with my own question. What do you want from this guy? The reason I am asking is because your questions relate to whatever the heck you believe the end game of a prospective dalliance with your coworker might be. If you're like most women, you're probably interested in dating him because you want a relationship, marriage, kids and a white picket fence. That he flirted
with you means that he'd like to screw your brains out, so don't read too much into it because he wants to screw all the women in your sales department. Why? Because he can. Why is he competitive to the point of being obnoxious? Two reasons: because he can and to establish that he's got a bigger dick than every male on in your company. Hell, if he's driving your sales department and he's as successful as you imply, he is likely using his charm, good looks and overbearing personality to remain on top of the corporate totem pole. If you are looking for a quality man who will give you the white picket fence, then you'll probably want to look over his cubicle at the slightly obese and balding man in the cubicle beside your hot co-worker. You know the one - he's the guy with the Star Trek figures on his desk and who wears a Lord of the Rings T-Shirt to your company Christmas party. That guy never gets laid and will marry the first woman who puts out for him. He will place that lucky girl on a pedestal, work one hundred hours a week and devote his entire essence just to make her happy. He's not sexy, but he's a nice guy with a little dick who will make you the center of his universe. In short, you have a choice that speaks to your own values as a woman. Are you openminded enough to date the fat ugly guy who will give you stability and unconditional love or do you want to date the hottie with a big pecker who will cheat on you throughout your marriage? One final thing: how exactly can your co-worker "make" you feel like he's your boss, moreover; how can he "make" you feel like anything? Aren't our feelings of our own design? Dear Starbuck MacIntyre: I've been reading your blog for a couple of months and I think it's refreshing to hear a man's opinion that isn't watered down with jingoism and catch-phrases. I am writing because I'm wondering what your take is on what's happening inside my boyfriend's brain because I just don't understand him sometimes. First off, he's a great guy. He never looks at other women (at least not when I'm around) and when we're hanging out at his place, he's pretty good about watching stuff I want to watch or renting DVD's that he wouldn't be caught dead seeing in the theaters. Anyway, the thing is that whenever we are together we just hang out and there aren't any deep discussions about our relationship or a possible future. Now when I go home, I might call him and then we'll talk for hours about how we are doing as a couple, you know; deep discussions that are actually pretty good because I know that a lot of guys would never drop their guard like that. The thing that is bothering me is that we never have these talks in person. It's always over the phone. I tried to start a talk when we were watching a movie, but he was pretty unresponsive. Why can't he talk to me in person? Is there something wrong with me that would make him uncomfortable because I've always gone out of my way to help him feel like he can tell me anything. Cynthia.
Dear Cynthia: Be glad that he's talking for crying out loud! Most guys limit their discussions on relationships to the occasional grunt or fart and to be honest, whenever women want to have an in-depth assessment of "how things are going" a lot of men equate this to, "cripes, am I in shit again?" That he talks to you on the phone as opposed to in person doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you at all - you have to look at it this way: the phone represents a security blanket for a guy because while you're both discussing your feelings, at least he can scratch his privates without your knowledge while you pontificate on what's making you happy or unhappy. I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts that you are the party who initiates the phone calls. Men don't initiate phone calls unless it's for Pizza or they're asking a chick out for a date which placates man's fundamental need for food and sex, in that order. Even if the woman says that she doesn't want to go out on a date, he can still call Domino's thereby fulfilling at least one of his two desires. Pizza isn't as good as sex, but it's a damned close second! My suggestion is that you count your blessings and enjoy what you've got because once both of you shack up, those candid little conversations will likely go the way of the Dodo bird. Dear Starbuck MacIntyre: What's the best way to get conversation going with a man of few words, who's very work-orientated and only sees talking as a means of exchanging vital information (like where/when we're going to meet etc)? We've been seeing each other for a few months and it's hard to pinpoint if this is a relationship or just glorified dating with a dash of torrid sex. I'd love to get a bit of enthusiasm going and how else am I to know if he really wants what I want? I appreciate any suggestions you might have. Sally Dear Sally: Ugh I hate questions like this because I'm generally accused of being an insensitive jerk when I respond. I have a question for you: what the hell do you want to talk about? Maybe you should think about the reasons behind your desire to strike up a conversation with the man of your dreams because a question like this contains all the earmarks of a woman who wants to have "the talk". You know, the one where you wish to broach the topic of taking your relationship "to the next level", whatever the hell that is. Before you rush off to Pottery Barn because you want to spend quality time planning the interior design a yet to be purchased condo, have you considered the possibility that he isn't communicating because he's quite content with the existing arrangement? Very simply, if he wanted to "take you higher" you'd have probably heard about it by
now. A word of caution about "the talk" and men: we aren't into the whole examination of our feelings, where do you see "us" in three years kind of thing. We don't even know where we see ourselves in three years -now you want us to add another person to the equation? As a rule, I recommend that men avoid "the talk" all together. Why? Because if you knew what we were really thinking, you'd flee while pulling your hair out in large clumps. Relationships lead to marriage and marriage leads to kids, divorce and ultimately child support/spousal support until you die. More on that later. What you need to remember is that if you want to create a more long-term relationship that includes cohabitation and the prospect of a wedding, you can't. It either happens or it doesn't. If you're six months into a dalliance with your fella and he isn't talking about a more formal arrangement without your prompting him, then he's content with the existing arrangement because he can get laid and go home without having to wake up to your pretty little face every morning. Dear Starbuck MacIntyre: Is my guy afraid to commit? I am asking this because I've tried to discuss marriage with him and he shuts right down. What does that mean? We've been together for two years although we don't live together yet. Erin Dear Erin: I recommend that guys avoid marriage because the risk of divorce and the associated years of litigation, misery and impoverishment that follow receiving a certificate of divorce in the mail. Your guy is shutting his trap on the issue because he's not an idiot and he knows that after two years with you, he can still get laid and fed on a regular basis. If you really want to get married, are you willing to sign an iron-clad prenuptial agreement that waives any entitlement you might have to alimony and one in which any offspring are guaranteed the right to equal time with their father? Listen, we might have a lucid appearance when we're watching football with our buds, but chances are that two of the four guys we're watching football with are living in their mother's basement and are paying alimony/child support to a former wife AND fatherhood for both of them begins every second Friday at McDonald's. Every guy out there knows that marriage is fraught with the prospect of failure and given that statistics show women cheating on men just as much as we cheat on women, why risk a lifetime of debt to any woman based on a greater than 50% chance that she'll cheat and he'll have to pay, she'll wake up five years from now and question her place in the universe thereby filing for a divorce and he'll pay? I know this sounds terribly selfish, but that's life in the 21st century honey. Marriage is the disposable coffee-cup of our time. Men aren't afforded the right to stay home with the kids, hell; we aren't even allowed to define fatherhood for ourselves without a
woman telling us that we're doing it wrong. It's just not worth the risk thank you very much. If you want marriage, I don't know become a Mormon or something.
GOT QUESTIONS: E-MAIL STARBUCK MACINTYRE AT: starbuck@bloorstreetbooks.com