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The Roles in Family

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					The roles in a family.



The Husband.

The Father.

The Wife.

The Mother.

The Son.

The Daughter.




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Introduction.

 I wrote this pamphlet out of a sincere desire to see more families revert to the roles that

they are biblically called to play in a family unit. It scares me to see how far we as

professing Christians have come in our mindset concerning how a family is supposed to

be set up. The vast majority of Christians look exactly like their lost counter-parts, as I

heard one preacher say, “We live in a society in which we fit all too well.” What has

happened to the verses in scripture that tell us not to be conformed to this world but to be

transformed by the renewing of our minds? But what else can we expect when current

polls show that less than one percent of all Southern Baptists (and I’m sure that that is

fairly accurate interdenominationally) do not have family devotions even once a year?

How are we to live by a model laid out in scripture, when we have no idea what scripture

says except for a half hour message once a week? Can a half-hour every week overcome

the other 167½ hours of the week that we spend on something else besides looking at the

model in scripture? We are being pounded on all fronts by the world’s idea of how a

family is supposed to operate, and we don’t even realize it most of the time. One of the

fallacies that the world pushes at us concerning the family is the idea that there are no

distinct roles within the family. The wife can be everything the husband is and the

children can have equal say with the parents, however no unit can function without each

member contributing a specific role to the mission of that organization. There is no

organism more fundamental or important than that of the family, it is therefore critical

that we get it right. I do not expect the lost world to act according to the scriptures, the

scriptures themselves tell us that they will not, however I do expect professing Christians

to act different than the world. I know that is an unpopular idea in most of our churches




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today, because it demands a change in the life of the hearer and the majority of the

hearers, even in the pews, are probably lost. But if every true christian would get a firm

grasp in this biblical principle of roles in the family and then begin applying it, it would

cause shock waves to ripple not only through our communities but ultimately throughout

the world.

 Therefore I write this publication, not because I think I am specially experienced or

qualified to do so, but because I think it is a subject that desperately needs to be

broached. I write from the perspective of a young, single man with no children, yet not

without any experience as I come from a family with nine children. I have seen children

raised from infancy to adulthood, I have closely interacted with almost any family role

possible and am firmly convinced that no matter how confused or messed up a situation

may appear it can be biblically sorted out. Ultimately I write with confidence knowing

that it is not experience or education that determines truth, but scripture. With this

confidence I write, attempting to stay as close to scripture as possible and with the prayer

that you, the reader, might be in some way blessed and encouraged to play the role in

your family that God has specifically designed you for.




The Husband

 Let us begin our examination with a look at the one on whom the most responsibility

lays, the one who will give an answer to God not only for himself, but for his wife and

his children. I write to you concerning your role as a husband even before that as a father

because your primary responsibility in this life is to your wife. It is your care for her that




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will illustrate Christ’s love for the church, it is your relationship with her that will have

the most impact on the godly raising of your children, and she comes before your

hobbies, your job, your dreams, your parents, and even your children. If you fail as a

husband you have failed as a man and no success in any other facet of your life will

compensate for your abdication of the one duty that holds more relevance than all others

combined. If my words seem strong or extreme consider what God says about the

husband’s role.

Gen 2:22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and

    brought her unto the man.

Gen 2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall

    be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto

    his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave

himself for it;

Col 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour

unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life;

that your prayers be not hindered.

 Leave your father and mother, cleave to your wife, love your wife as Christ loved the

church, give honour to her… are you getting the picture here? Your wife is to be your

ultimate treasure.




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 Your duty is to love her. Husbands, you have a command on your life that is perhaps

only superseded in difficulty by “Be ye holy even as I am holy.” You are commanded to

love your wife in the same way that Christ loved the church! I find the weight of that to

be staggering. You’ve probably sang this song in church before.

Could we with ink, the oceans fill, and were the skies of parchment made,

Were every stalk on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade,

To write the love of God above, would drain the oceans dry,

Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.

Oh love of God how rich and pure how measureless and strong,

It shall forever more endure, the saints’ and angels’ song.

 The next time you sing that song, pull yourself out of the swell of emotions you feel at

considering that anyone ever loved you that much, and consider that song as job

description. Your emotion will quickly go from a lump in your throat from being loved so

grandly, to a knot in your stomach at the enormity of the task at hand! Those who claim

that the biblical description of roles within the family somehow lessens or degrades the

wife, have no proper concept of what is expected of husbands in such a system. Do not

lose sight of the fact that this is a command, rid your mind of the secular presuppositions

that love is simply an emotion over which you have no control. We do not go into

marriage crossing our fingers and hoping that we picked someone with whom we can

stay in love with for the rest of our lives. We stand at the wedding alter and cement

before God and witnesses our commitment to love our wife, come what may. We say

“For richer or poorer” yet polls show that the leading cause for divorce is finances, we

say “For better or worse”, but then sit across from a marriage counselor and explain that




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we’ve simply “fallen out of love”. You must wake up every morning and remind yourself

that today you are going to love your wife; not loving her is not an option! If your

marriage is to reflect Christ’s love for the church, than divorce is not an option, “falling

out of love” is not an option, forsaking her is not an option, giving up on her is not an

option; there is but one option after you’ve said “I do”, and that is to love her with every

fiber of your being, every second of every day.

 We have seen that she is to be your priority and you are to love her as Christ loved the

church, let us now focus on our responsibility to dwell with her according to knowledge.

What this means is that the day you met your wife you entered (insert your wife’s name

here) elementary school, when you began courting her you graduated to the more intense

study of high school, day one of your marriage was Wife Study 101, and you never get to

graduate. Your life is to be a constant study of every intricacy of your wife. On a very

surface level it is a good practice to use a sheet of questions like Appendix A and see how

many of her favorites you know, but it must be so much more than that. Pay attention to

the way she thinks, why she thinks that way, how she forms her opinions, etc… The

better you know your wife, the better equipped you are to love her as Christ loved the

church, you will be able to know what it is you need to sacrifice for her, you will become

tuned in to how and when you can best help her grow in grace. If you think you know

enough about your wife, or if you are of the opinion that now that you’ve been hitched

you can go on about your life without putting the effort into her that was required while

you were wooing her, you are sorely mistaken and your marriage is not only in danger

practically, but you are operating unbiblically and smearing the picture of Christ and his




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church. Until you know your wife as well as Christ knows his church, you are a work in

progress.

 1Co 14:35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is

a shame for women to speak in the church.

Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave

   himself for it;

Eph 5:26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

Eph 5:27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or

   wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

 The last obligation we will speak of in this role is that of teaching your wives. You have

been given to your wife as part of her sanctifying process, it is explicitly commanded that

a women should not publicly voice questions or comments in the church services, but that

they would ask their husbands at home. This presupposes that the husbands will be so

immersed in scripture and learning that they would be able to teach their wives. Paul says

that Christ’s reason for giving himself for the church was that he might wash it in the

water of the word and sanctify it. The immediate and implied context is that husbands

would have this same view towards their wives, the families in which the mother is the

spiritual leader and dad just comes along for the ride, is a reversal of God-ordained

positions in the family.

The Father.

 The central role in the home should be the father; he is the one that has both the

authority as well as the responsibility in the household, as we will shortly see. Let us start




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by looking at a few bible verses and examining what the practical application in today’s

world would be.

Luke 11:11 If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a

stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?

Luke 11:12 Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?

Luke 11:13 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how

much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

 The first principle I want to look at is the most basic duty of a father, that of providing

and caring for those of your household. It is and always has been the responsibility of the

father to provide for the physical necessities of the house. In this passage Jesus calls his

own disciples “evil”, yet the assumption is that even the evil men take care of their

households. As it is written in I Tim. 5:8, “But if any provide not for his own, and

specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an

infidel.” It is not the responsibility of the wife or the children or the state to care for your

family, it is yours and you need to do everything in your power to fulfill that obligation.

The scriptures do not say that it is your responsibility to make sure they are provided for,

but rather it is your responsibility to provide for them. It has always been Satan’s goal to

reverse the decrees of God, he calls good evil and evil good, and he is attempting to

reverse the roles in our families as well. Fathers, provide for your families and if you turn

even a part of that over to another party, you are letting the proverbial camel’s nose into

the tent.

 Many ask, “What about the families that need the wife to work?” The situations where

that is actually a necessity are few and far between, if the father is willing to work hard




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there will be no reason for anyone else to have to care for that man’s family. I’m not

promising that they will have the same standard of living as the Jones, but no one else

needs to work in the vast and overwhelming majority of American families in order for

them to survive. The only exceptions I can think of might be if the father has a physical

handicap that keeps him from working. I can say this with a fair amount of assurance,

because I grew up in a family of eleven, my father was the only one in the family that

worked until I, as the oldest boy, got old enough to get a job. Even then my father

continued to provide me with all the things he had always provided me with until I

moved out of his house, all I had to take care of were the extra things such as my car and

cell phone. My father didn’t have a high paying job, yet somehow I always had food in

my belly and a dry place to sleep, we had gas in our cars and our house was heated and

air-conditioned. Now admittedly we lived in a trailer, our cars were at least ten years old

most of the time, and we didn’t have the newest gadgets, but that was a conscious

decision my parents made in order to properly fulfill their biblical roles as much as

possible. The idea that there has to be two incomes to support a family is a myth that is

being propagated by the devil through our modern culture, and thousands of Christians

have bought it hook, line and sinker and now go so far as to mock those who refute it.

The scriptures always refer to the father as the one who cares for the physical provision

of the family, and calls those who abandon it deniers of the faith and worse than infidels,

or unbelievers. Fathers, husbands, it is time for us to reclaim our biblical role in our

houses and that has to start with the most basic of duties, that of caring for our family’s

needs.




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 Now that we have dealt with the most basic duty of caring for your family’s physical

needs, let us discuss our most important duty, providing for our family’s spiritual needs.

Eph. 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the

nurture and admonition of the Lord.

 While the first part of that verse is very good and has a lot of practical applications, I

want us to focus more on the second part of that verse where it commands us to bring our

children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We live in a day and age in which

the fathers play little to no role in the teaching of their children. The words nurture and

admonition are not often used in today’s English so let me define them so that we might

have a clearer understanding of what Paul is commanding here. Below are the definitions

of the words according to Webster’s 1828 Dictionary of the English Language.

 Nurture - To educate; to bring or train up.

 Admonition - Gentle reproof; counseling against a fault; instruction in duties; caution;

direction.

 So we see then, that what Paul is saying is “Fathers bring up your children in the

education and training of the Lord, gently reprove them when they have made a mistake

so that they might more clearly understand their duties.” Yet today a father involved with

his children’s education, spiritual or secular, is virtually non-existent. We turn our

children over to the school system (whether public, private or Christian, they all handle

our children outside of our direct oversight) for their secular education, then on Sundays

we turn them over to their Sunday school teachers and youth ministers for their training

in godliness. The problem is that the bible does not say to make sure your children are

raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, it says for us, as fathers, to do it. Do not




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think that just because the end result is achieved, that God will look over our rebellion,

sin, and the shirking of our duties. He has given you, as the father, a direct command to

raise your children and educate your children, and to do it with God at the center of it all.

It is your biblical duty to be the direct overseer of your children’s education, not a

general overseer that simply “okays” which school they attend. God has given you a

helper fit for you and your tasks, this is one of the most important tasks you will

undertake your entire life; she should be helping you with all of this.

 It is also your duty to raise your children in godliness. The first step you take in this is

making sure your walk with God is as it ought to be. If you are not having a secret time

for study, meditation and prayer each day, there will be no way for you to adequately lead

your family spiritually. The second step is establishing a time of daily, family worship in

the home; every member of your family should participate. It does not have to be long or

elaborate, but it should not be hard for you to carve a half hour slot out of your evening to

read a couple of chapters of scripture, discuss the main theme or some significant truths,

pray and sing a hymn. Make this a time that is mandatory for everyone to attend and take

part, make it strictly a daily thing, and do not let other excuses or activities pull you

away. Satan does not like a family alter and he will make it hard for you to be consistent,

but work through it and make it a priority in your life. Thirdly, make sure your children

are under sound preaching each week, they do not need activities and fun events on the

Lord’s Day, they can have those all throughout the week. Their primary need is to hear

the preaching of the gospel, for outside of that there is no salvation (Rom. 10:13-15).

Even if they are too young to fully understand everything that is being said, it will be a

good exercise in obedience and self control on their part. After the services you can




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explain the gist of the message and discuss any questions or comments they might have,

you will be surprised how much they pick up on. Do not give in to the temptation to

simply hand them over to a nursery attendant or Sunday school teacher, let me say again,

God has given you a once in a lifetime opportunity, that of raising your own children and

instructing them in righteousness.

 If forsaking the provision of your family’s physical needs, makes you worse than an

infidel, than failing to provide for their spiritual needs makes you the same as the infidels,

who gladly sacrifice their children’s souls for their own gain.

 Next let’s look at the father’s duty to meet each child where they are at. Your children

are not all the same and you cannot expect them to be, nor can you treat them as if they

are. Look at the example of the father of the prodigal (as well as the faithful) son.

Luke 15:20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off,

his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

Luke 15:28 And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and

intreated him.

 Another role the father plays is to care for all of his children and meet them where they

are individually. We are all familiar with the story of the prodigal son, demanding his

inheritance, leaving home to blow it, and then returning in utter humility only to be

welcomed joyfully by the father. We all look at this and wonder at the love of the father

to take back a son as quickly as he did and with as much forgiveness as the he showed;

but let us not miss his interaction with his other son as well. Here is a father that loves

both of his sons with fervor; we see this in all of his actions toward his sons. From all we

can tell he raised them right, when the first son demanded his inheritance the father gave




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it to him early. Although we are not told of all his motives we might read between the

lines here and guess that the father was still hoping against hope that he could do

something to retain a correct relationship with his son. Then when the son did leave to

spend his inheritance on riotous living, the father waited anxiously for his return, and

while the son was yet afar off he ran to his son and hugged and kissed him and forgave

all and rejoiced in having his son back. I probably just repeated everything you already

knew about this story, but so often we tend to read right over verse 28, where the father

shows immense amounts of love, caring, and understanding toward his second son. The

father went out and entreated his son, to entreat means to make an earnest petition or

request, he was earnestly requesting that his son would be a part of the celebrations over

his brother’s return. Does it strike you that in the midst of all the reveling and rejoicing

that the father not only noticed the absence of his second son, but went and found him

and right then and there talked to him about what he was feeling and then discussed the

proper biblical response to what was going on? The father did not have a favorite son,

even at a time when he had every right to be focusing on this his son who had so

unexpectedly returned home, he took time for his other son.

 If you have more than one child remember several things, they all need your attention

and affection and they all need it in different ways and on different levels. It is your God-

given responsibility to find out the nuances of your children and treat them accordingly;

of course discernment must be used, you will have selfish children that want all of your

attention and they must learn to be patient and to share you. Something else we can take

from this passage is the way the father showed such patience and understanding with this

second son. It is so tempting to get caught up in whatever we are doing and think to




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ourselves or even say to our children, that we will deal with this later and then later never

comes. When you are faced with such a decision ask yourself this, “If I finish this project

without interruption, but in the process crush my child’s spirit or breed contempt in their

heart, have I really gained anything?” I’m sure the father in his flesh would much rather

have just continued with all of his oversight of the feast and spending time with his long

lost son and just dealt with his second son’s issues at a later time. But he dropped

everything and didn’t just go out there and fix all his son’s problems, but lovingly

entreated him, listened to the son’s point of view and then responded logically and

biblically. Fathers, we have no greater chore or task than raising our children aright and

one of the quickest ways to gain their hearts, admiration and trust is to treat them as

individuals. As individuals their needs and situations will change and therefore the way

we interact with them must change as well, you will treat your son different than your

daughter and your five year old different than your sixteen year old. Part of being a father

is knowing where your children are at and interacting with them on that level, when you

fail at that you can do irreparable harm.

 Next let us look at the father’s responsibility to chasten and correct his children.

Heb. 12:7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he

whom the father chasteneth not?

 It has become the trend of our day to cease correcting, or at least change the way in

which we correct our children, the psychologists tell us that it does much more harm than

good to punish our children when they do wrong. They tell us that punishment hurts our

child’s self-esteem and ability to function with self-assurance, besides all this the vast

majority of people in our culture (including so-called “christians”) no longer believe in




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absolute truth. If truth is relative, then who are we to try to enforce our beliefs on our

children? I have heard this very argument from the mouth of a mother, she never taught

her child right from wrong, because according to her there was no such thing and the

child just had to figure out what was right for him. What absurdity have we bought into?

How has America survived the past two hundred years, when all our leaders believed in

absolutes in morality? (I write that tongue in cheek) The truth is that our country has

survived this long because we did hold to absolute right and absolute wrong, the only

thing we have yet to see is if America can last with a generation of leaders that claim not

to believe in such absolutes. If history is our guide, it cannot, for every civilization that

has taken the road of subjectivism has soon fallen. Therefore, as was stated at the

beginning of this work, it is imperative that the fathers raise their children in the nurture

and admonition of the Lord, part of doing this is discipline. When your children are doing

something that is wrong, your approach is to be twofold, you are to punish them for doing

that which is wrong and you are to teach them why you punished them and what

specifically about what they were doing is wrong. It is so easy to punish our children for

a wrongdoing or even just because they made us angry and never explain to them why

they were punished. Do not ever assume that your children know all right from wrong,

just because you do. It is tempting after punishing a child, as fathers to say, “They knew

what they were doing was wrong” when in fact they have no idea why they have just

been punished. Someone (probably your parents) taught you what was right and what was

wrong; it is your duty to do that for your children in turn. This passage in Hebrews uses

two words frequently, “chastening” and “correcting”, chastening has to do with

punishment, but correction in and of itself has nothing to do with punishment. If you find




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a problem in your car you correct it, you don’t chasten or punish it. So as you find

problems in your children, punishment is often necessary, but only if it is for the greater

good of correcting the problem so that it is no longer a recurring one. Chastening by itself

may suppress wrong actions, but it will never correct them, only loving guidance and

council coupled with that chastening will permanently correct a problem, which is what

we are trying to do.


The wife.


 Now let us move on to the second in the line of command in the household, the one who

is made to be the right arm of the father, his wife. I write of your role in relation to your

husband first, because he is to be your main priority! A mother’s love for her children is

the stuff of which legends are made, still your love for your husband must supersede even

that. The picture we are given for a proper marriage is the union between Christ and his

church (Eph. 5:32) and there can be no denial that the church’s greatest loyalty is to be to

Christ, even above that of their physical families. The first point I want to look at is that

of submission, not because I’m a chauvinist and sexist, but because it is the one trait

spoken of more than any other in scripture. Look at these verses.


1Pe 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not

the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;


Col 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.


Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own

husbands in every thing.



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Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.


 Why is it so widely accepted that there must be a chain of command in every

organization, from a business to the government to the military, but when it comes to the

family, we fight tooth and nail against the husband being the final authority and the wife

being in submission to him? The reason is found in God’s word.


Gen 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception;

in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he

shall rule over thee.


Part of the curse that was put on the woman as a result of her sin was that she would

desire to have her husband’s position! The chain of command was not part of the curse,

(the scriptures tell us that is derived from the order of creation, I Cor. 11:8) but before the

fall Eve rightly rejoiced in her role of submission to her husband and now she desires to

have it for herself. You would think the clear and multiple commands for the wife to

submit to her husband would be enough, however there is a single scripture verse that

many women love to quote as though it erases all of the others.


Eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.


 This verse they triumphantly trumpet as proof that the husband is to submit himself to

his wife in the same manner that she is to submit to him. There are two problems with

this, neither the English word submit nor the Greek word used here , can ever

be used in a bilateral way. To submit is always a one way street, to claim that two parties

must equally submit to each other is to redefine the term. The second problem is that it is



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inconsistent with the immediate context as the very next verse commands wives to

submit to their husbands without mention being made of the husband’s duty to submit to

his wife. What then is the meaning of this verse? The answer is found in the contextual

reading of the passage. Verse 18 commands us to be filled with the Spirit; we are then

given three graces with which the Spirit fills us. One comes through learning doctrine by

Psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Another is in giving thanks to all things. The third is

found in our submission to our authorities. This verse is an umbrella covering all the

ways in which we submit to each other, children to their parents, wives to their husbands,

congregations to their pastors, and all to civil authority. This verse is not operating within

the strict confines of a marital relationship, but of Christianity as a whole. So the next

time a feminist proclaims this verse as evidence for her claim that the wife is on an equal

authoritative level with her husband, you can have her read the verses in context and

show her the foolishness of that argument.


Gen 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will

make him an help meet for him.


 As God gave Eve to Adam with specific traits to help him in all his duties - from caring

for the garden to multiplying the earth- so you have been given to your husband by God

with a particular view in mind; that of helping him in all his duties and visions. We have

bought into a cultural idea that husbands and wives should have their separate careers,

separate visions and plans, separate bank accounts and bills to pay, and it’s a good thing

that each has the other for support after a hard day, but we certainly wouldn’t expect the

wife to “sacrifice” all her goals and ambitions “just to be a housewife”! Our culture

mocks, scorns, and pities the woman who proudly takes up her mantle of a help meet for


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her husband. However, it is part of your job description as a wife to study your husband’s

job, goals, and dreams and become the wheels that move them forward. Wives, it is not

an abandonment of your identity, but a embracing of it. This man is to be flesh of your

flesh and bone of your bone, his triumphs, successes and mountain-tops are equally your

own and his failures, disappointments, and valleys are yours to bear as well. Again, we

consider a man successful if he plays a critical part in the success of his company, a

soldier is a hero because he fulfilled his role to a T, a football player is a champion

because he didn’t hog the ball but played his role to the best of his abilities, but a wife

who throws herself entirely behind her husband’s vision for the family is deemed a

failure because she helped her husband. How successful Satan has been in getting us to

buy his twisted logic, to such an extent that even within the church, a woman whose

supreme goal in life is to help her husband, is looked down upon for “furthering the old-

fashioned stereotype of an oppressed woman”. Women, this is the reason for which you

were created, to help your husbands, when that becomes despicable in your eyes, you are

telling God he didn’t know what he was doing in creation. Everything God created up to

that point was in God’s estimation, very good, only one thing was not good; that man did

not have a helper, so God fixed that and gave man a helper, and he called her woman.



The Mother.

 The wife and the mother are the same person, yet you carry two distinct roles. While

they overlap in many places (part of being a help right for your husband, is being a godly

mother to his children and one of the best gifts you can give your children is to show

them what a godly wife looks like), yet in many places they differ. The role of the mother




                                              19
in a household is a critical one, so often she is the one that keeps everything running

smoothly, that keeps all the gears clicking. Her role, alongside her husband, is one of

authority over the children, as clearly evidenced in scripture.

(Eph 6:1) Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

(Pro 1:8) My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy

mother:

 Her role is first and foremost to her husband; he comes even before the children. It is

extremely damaging to the structure of a household when the mother openly sides with

the children against the father. This is not to say that the father is always right or to say

that the mother will never side with the children; but the children must always see the

parents as a unified force. If the mother happens to disagree with her husband on an issue,

the wisest and most biblical action is for her to uphold the father’s decision in public, in

submission to him, and discuss it with him in private at a convenient time. Make it clear

to your children that the father’s decision goes for the mother and vice versa, never

tolerate a child going first to one parent then to the other, looking for the answer he

desires. If dad says no, the child cannot then go and ask mom looking for a yes, it divides

the parents and undermines their unified authority. Such actions must be punished

quickly and severely, so as to emphasize the importance of the mother’s submission to

the father and the father’s support of the mother.

 Your role as a mother often leaves you with the care of the children while your husband

is at work, it is then incumbent upon you to be both gentle and firm, showing your love

both through compliments and discipline. I know of households to where the discipline

was always left up to the father, I disagree with this method for a couple of different




                                              20
reasons. One, it tends to portray the father as the bad guy, contrasting him to mom who

never has to deal with that “dirty work”. Secondly, there are many situations that almost

demand immediate discipline, and when dad cannot correct the child until he gets home

from work, it cuts down on the effectiveness and impact of the punishment. The timing of

discipline is so important and demands a very precise balance; on the one hand it must

never be carried out when you are in the heat of your anger. As I stated earlier, we must

keep in mind that we are correcting this child not simply punishing them; it is not

something we do to vent our anger or frustration. With this in mind it is wise to take a

few seconds to catch your breath, put the situation in perspective and pray, before

proceeding to discipline the child. On the other hand it is rarely wise to send the child to

their room until you have time to punish them; this makes the punishment less effective

for several reasons. Especially for young children, even if they consciously understand

what they are being punished for, it still does not have the subconscious impact applied in

immediate punishment. Another reason I do not recommend delaying punishment until it

is convenient for you, is because you are sending a message that the discipline is not as

important whatever project you are engaged with at the moment. A third and more

perceivable element to delayed punishment is the possibility that you will become

distracted and completely forget about them. I remember more than one occasion , where

if I would just lay low for a few hours I could slip out of my room and the ensuing

punishment. Now I admit that that was probably easier for me with eight siblings, than

for a single child or a child with only a couple of siblings, but the fact remains that we are

human and it is very easy for us to forget something when we procrastinate. So I




                                             21
encourage mothers to correct and discipline their children as the situations warrant

throughout the day.

(Pro 31:15) She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a

portion to her maidens.

(Pro 31:27) She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of

idleness.

 These verses are talking about your role in caring for the entire household. She rises

early enough to give her family sustenance before they have to go out and begin their

daily routine. I know of families where the father is the first to rise and others where the

mother rises first, I will not say that one is wrong or even better than the other is.

However, I do have a problem with households where the mother is up so late that either

she is not able to feed her family in the morning or she inconveniences them because of

how late she is in preparing it. The virtuous woman rises while it is still dark in order to

ensure that her family is well fed before the day began, the entire chapter sings of this

woman’s diligence, a lazy mother is lacking virtue.

(Pro 31:26) She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of

kindness.

 Mothers, learn to hold your tongue and control your temper; the virtuous woman has a

tongue that speaks the beautiful law of kindness! How quick we are to cut and burn our

children with our tongues, yet it is with our family that our true character is shown. What

good is it if you are known as a kind and compassionate person to everyone except those

of your own house? I do not disagree that it is those of your own house that will try your

temper the worst, they will bring out the worst in you, and they will know all the buttons




                                              22
to push. But again I ask what good is it if we are only able to be kind when it is easy to be

kind? Christ is seen clearest in us when we persevere against sin even to the shedding of

blood; when we are kind even though that is last thing we want to be, God is glorified.

Lead by example mothers, show your children the worth and value of kindness by

practicing it yourself on a regular basis.


 Another danger that mothers are subject to is favoritism among children, while fathers

are risk her also, I write to mothers because of their emotional nature as well as their

closer interaction day-in and day-out with the children. In Genesis 27 we read of

Rebekah’s act of favoritism between her sons, in the end it divided the family for the rest

of their lives and while Jacob and Esau eventually restored, their relationship was never

the same. I know it is easy and even natural to favor one child over the others, either

because of their disposition or some other reason we tend to feel closer to one in

particular. We read of it happening in a few places in the scripture, the problem is that

every time it did more harm than good, (speaking of course outside of God’s providential

working). You need to take special notice and care to make sure that such feelings are

never outwardly shown; it can cause rifts between the siblings, between the other

child(ren) and yourself, and even between you and your husband. You will never be able

to give every child every thing and opportunity you gave every other child, but there must

be a careful balance meted out, Jacob giving Joseph an obvious distinction of a colorful

coat was probably not a wise parenting choice. Nor would I say was Rebekah’s choice to

steal Esau’s blessing for Jacob (obviously this was recurring problem in this family’s

lineage). Ultimately what I am saying is watch and guard yourself against allowing

prejudice and favoritism to divide your household.



                                             23
(Pro 31:16) She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she

planteth a vineyard.

(Pro 31:18) She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by

night.

(Pro 31:19) She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

(Pro 31:21) She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are

clothed with scarlet.


 As it is the father’s role to be the breadwinner in the family, so the mother has an equal

role in caring for the family’s physical needs. I strongly believe that the mother has a

domain in caring for both the feeding and clothing of her household. This is not a

usurpation of her husband’s authority, but an area where he has given her the liberty to

use her experience and discretion to care for the physical needs of the family.

Unfortunately, I am afraid that many mothers have bought into the lie that the cooking,

baking, cleaning, shopping, gardening, laundry, etc. are demeaning tasks placed on

women. I find such tasks no more demeaning to a woman than going out and making the

money to provide for his family to be a demeaning task for a man! They are the proper

roles carried out respectively by the wife and husband and when carried out in this

manner there is beautiful unity and a proper flow to the care of the household.


 I have heard women make the argument that because they work a 9-5 job plus

everything else a housewife needs to do that they are better mothers than the stay at home

mom. That makes about as much sense as the man who claims to be more athletic

because he spent 12 minutes running the same mile that the other man only ran in six!



                                             24
The logic is twisted and roles are being skewered, when the father does his part and

leaves the mother free to do hers, they both have the time and mental stamina (as a rule)

to sit down in the evening and cognizantly participate in the family devotions, because

neither one has been trying to fulfill both roles by oneself. I’m all for husbands pitching

in and helping lighten the wife’s load by grilling out, loading the dishwasher, folding

clothes, etc. as situations dictate, but this is primarily the mother’s duty and her proper

way of helping the household run smoothly.



The son

 The son is a father and husband in training. It is his role to learn first to submit to his

father and mother, as a man and leader one day he must be fully cognizant that there is

always authority to which he will be submitted, be it God, pastors, or civil authorities.

This training begins as an infant as he learns that he is not the center of the universe and

there are rules and laws that are absolute. As he grows and matures, it is of the utmost

importance that he is taught why rules and decisions are made the way they are, for in the

not-too-distant future he will be making the laws and decisions and he will need a firm

foundation of biblical reasoning on which to build them. That being said, I am tired of

watching parents sit and reason with their four year old as to why he should put the toy

down and come get in the car. As much danger as there is in a young man who has only

followed orders his whole life without ever hearing the process that went into the orders,

there is equal if not greater danger in a young man who has never learned to immediately

and unquestioningly obey orders from his superiors. As men, we are regularly required to

follow standards (whether at work, by the government or in scripture) that we do not




                                              25
understand at the moment, and until a child has learned to obey immediately and without

question on a consistent basis, I would not begin explaining said commands as a rule.

 Along with the most basic obedience training, the role of a son is to operate within the

family structure, helping as he is able to further the goals and visions of his parents.

When I was a child most of my friends got some kind of allowance if they did their basic

chores, my parents always told me that those chores were just part of pulling my weight

in the family and that if I wanted to make extra money I would have to do something

above and beyond the regular upkeep of the house. Now that I am grown, I can see the

wisdom in that, what message are we sending our children when there is no contribution

demanded but for which they get paid? I’m all for teaching your children money

management skills and principle of a workman being worthy of his wages, but being a

father isn’t a paid position, nor is husband, mother, or wife, yet we are raising a

generation of men who have no concept of pulling their weight in a family structure, to

the glory of God alone. For thousands of years, it has been an accepted practice that a

young man would work under a tradesman as an apprentice for several years without pay,

so that he might learn the trade for himself . That concept has become foreign to us and

we are offended that we might be asked to get out of bed in the morning without being

paid. Teach your sons to work hard within the family unit without any other motivation

than that in doing so they are contributing to the picture of a godly family operating out

love for each other and the glory of God.

 So the son’s role consists of obedience to his parents and hard work contributing to the

family’s upkeep, it also involves learning to be a man. We are raising a generation of

boys that never grow out of childhood, it is now stereotypical for a male to be in his mid




                                              26
to late twenties with no idea of what he wants to do with his life, working a dead-end job

that pays enough to maintain his party lifestyle and gaming addiction. We have a dearth

of real men in this country because they were never taught the necessity or even the way

to grow up. We put our sons in an education system that instructs them cookie-cutter

style, we place more importance on getting into a good college than we do on what they

have been gifted by the Lord to do with their life, we’re so thankful they’re not in a gang

or doing drugs that we’ve convinced ourselves that it’s a good thing that they spend the

vast majority of their life in front of a monitor, we’ve told them marriage is best put off

until they’ve experienced some single life for themselves and we wonder out loud when

they are going to grow up. I encourage you to begin examining with your sons early on

what their interests are, what specific talents, gifts, and traits they have, how their

experiences might prepare them for a God-honoring career. There can be no doubt that all

of those will change as they grow and change, but you will be developing in them a

mindset that is constantly looking toward a long term goal for their life. One of the great

blessings of educating your sons yourself is that you can build a curriculum around their

strengths and eventual career plans. Instead of every child getting exactly the same

amount of every subject, the son who wants to be a doctor can focus on biology and

chemistry, the one who wants to be an accountant can work extra on math, and the one

who wants to be a plumber can incorporate that into his school workload. Don’t

misunderstand me, the world in which we live requires that at least an eighth-grade

education be achieved in all subjects by all children. But why are we forcing our son who

wants to be plumber and the one who wants to be an accountant to take the same calculus

course? Or why should the accountant-in-training have to take the science as the Doctor-




                                              27
in-training? As you raise your sons develop in them a view toward growing up, being a

man, starting a family and educating their sons. A son who is operating in obedience to

his parents, working hard to further his parents’ vision for the family, and actively

preparing to be a man, is well on his way to fulfilling his role within a biblical family.



The daughter

  We now come to the last, but certainly not the least of the family members. Her role is

very similar to that of the son in the early stages of her life. She is to be taught obedience

to her parents and as she matures and learns quick and unquestioning obedience she too

must be taught the whys behind rules and regulations. She too must learn that being part

of a family unit requires work that is not necessarily compensated except in the food she

eats and bed she sleeps in. However, she is being raised with a view of one day becoming

a wife and mother, therefore the way we approach her education must differ in many

ways from the way we educate our sons. With the popularization of feminism, we no

longer even give it a second thought, but much like the carelessness that is shown when

we attempt to educate our sons all exactly the same through 12th grade regardless of their

visions for life, is it not equally preposterous to claim that we are raising our daughters

for a role and position in life that will be entirely different than that of our sons and yet

educate them exactly the same way? Again, I can already hear the claims, “He thinks

girls shouldn’t have equal opportunity in education as boys do.” That is not what I am

recommending at all, if your daughter has an obvious talent to write, give her the tools

and education to use that to its fullest potential to God’s glory, and if she’s a whiz at math

find ways to allow her to continue to study and apply those gifts, perhaps she is being




                                               28
prepared to be a help fit for a computer programmer. But would it be more to our

daughter’s benefit to demand they finish pre-trigonometry or to allow them to pursue and

hone those traits that will best equip them to help their husbands and teach their children

one day? There is a no denying that real men are becoming scarcer by the day in our

culture, and I’ve heard several sermons and read several books on why that is and how to

reverse it. But as a single young man, I can tell you there is an equal dearth of godly

young women, who are willing to follow their husband and fulfill their role as keepers at

home, and educators of their children.

Conclusion

I close this with a prayer that I have not come about as harsh, condemning or uncaring,

but rather that you would see how much trash we have allowed our culture to push down

our throats and to what extent Satan has succeeded in twisting our worldview. If anything

written here causes you to become angry or bitter because of the way in which it was

presented I beg you and God to forgive me. But if the source of your anger stems from a

refusal to let go of your fleshly desires, conveniences, and pride, I remind you that our

Lord has said that following him does not come without a cost, and I call you to repent

and allow his word to shape every facet of your life, starting with your biblical role

within your family.




                                             29
                                   Appendix A

                           Questions to ask your wife

1. What are your five favorite foods, with the most favorite first?

2. What are your five favorite kinds of meals, with the most favorite first?

3. What are your five favorite desserts, with the most favorite first?

4. What are your five favorite restaurants, with the most favorite first?

5. What is your favorite color?

6. What are your five favorite hobbies, with the most favorite first?

7. What are your five favorite recreations, with the most favorite first?

8. What are your five favorite sources of reading with the most favorite first?

9. What gifts do you like?

10. What is your favorite book(s) of the Bible? Why?

11. What is your favorite verse(s) of the Bible? Why?

12. What is your favorite song?

13. What makes you feel the most fulfilled or happiest as a woman?

14. What makes you feel the most fulfilled or happiest as a wife?

15. What makes you feel the most fulfilled or happiest as a mother?

16. What makes you saddest as a woman?

17. What makes you saddest as a wife?

18. What makes you saddest as a mother?




                                         30
19. What do you fear the most?

20. What other fears do you have?

21. What do you look forward to the most?

22. How much sleep do you need?

23. What are your skills?

24. What are your spiritual gifts?

25. What are your weaknesses?

26. What things (personal, home, car, etc…) need repairing?

27. With what chores and responsibilities do you like my help?

28. What caresses do you enjoy the most?

29. What caresses do you enjoy the least?

30. What action of mine provides you the greatest sexual pleasure?

31. What other things stimulate you sexually?

32. At what times do you need assurance of my love the most?

33. How can that love be shown?

34. Are there any interests, hobbies, studies, etc… that you wish I was more

   involved/learned in?

35. What can I do that will make it easier to discuss and work on areas or problems

   that are uncomfortable to you?

36. What concerns do you have that I do not seem to be interested in?

37. What things do I do that irritate you?

38. What desires do you have that we haven’t discussed?

39. What do you enjoy doing with me, with the most enjoyable first?




                                         31
40. What things can I do to show my appreciation for you?

41. What varying desires (spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual, social,

   recreational, etc.) would you like me to provide?

42. In what ways would you like me to protect you (physically, spiritually, socially,

   emotionally, etc.)?

43. In what ways would you like me to sacrifice for you?

44. What things are first in my life? As you look at me, what do you see? What is

   your perception of me?

45. What concerns and interests of yours would you like me to support?

46. How much time would be good for us to spend together each day?

47. In helping family members to use their skills and develop their abilities, what

   motivating factors would be helpful for me to use?

48. What can I do that provides the greatest comfort and encouragement for you when

   you are hurt, fearful, anxious, or worried?

49. What personal habits do I have that you would like changed?

50. What ways demonstrate to you that you are a very important person who is as

   important or more important than I am?




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Description: A few of my humble thoughts on the biblical positions each family member holds.