egg by primusboy


									Craccum21               10/7/03           9:29 PM          Page 14

  s t o r y
  c o v e r

                     What Would
                     Arnold Do?
                                                                        have always found the old adage ‘Only in
                                                                        America’ a trifle trite. Every nation under the
                                                                        sun has its own idiosyncrasies and bizarre
                                                                     practices that other nations find at best quirky,
                                                                     and at worst, despicably abhorrent. I used to find
                                                                     it unfair that America was constantly singled-out
                                                                     and heckled for their nation-wide
                                                                     weirdness...and then I thought about it some
                                                                     more. Arnold Schwarznegger fledgling political
                                                                     career in California is a prime example of the
                                                                     ‘Only in America’ phenomena. Moreover, it goes
                                                                     some way to show the strange forces that garner
                                                                     support in the political circus that is the left coast
                                                                     of the US ...
                                                                        Here’s John Marshall with an eyewitness report
                                                                     on the swelling tide of Arnold...
              14 ) Craccum Magazine, Issue 21 - September 29, 2003
Craccum21     10/7/03         9:29 PM        Page 15

                                                                                                                       WHAT WOULD ARNOLD DO?

             N EGG is a versatile religious and political        the Marriott Hotel just to check it out, I chanced upon   without saying a word.
             symbol. To the ancient Greeks, it represented       the biggest Republican political event of the year that        Dreadlocks, by comparison, are not an asset at a
             fertility in honor of the Greek God Eostre.         was just about to start – the California Republican       Conservative convention. Within seconds, I am
     Centuries later it was adopted by the Christian faith       Party Convention Luncheon Celebration of                  swamped and interrogated by a swarm of suits and
     to represent new life and the resurrection of Jesus         Republican Women’s Leadership. You would be               promptly escorted from the room. Apparently I
     Christ. In recent decades it has morphed into the icon      correct to question the size of such a meeting, given     needed a press identification pass to stay there.
     of a great annual chocolate marketing scheme.               that the only Republican candidates for Governor are           Media accreditation is a relatively smaller hurdle
          But when tossed by a heckler and splattered on         male, but it would seem that the organizers of the        when you are a foreigner. At the pre-registration desk
     the left shoulder of ex-actor, ex-bodybuilder and first-    event only considered this a technicality.                they told me that accreditation had to be organized
     time candidate running for Governor of California, it           Walking through the doors of the Marriott Hotel       in advance, and so I was unable to see Arnold
     holds quite a different meaning - a visual insult           was like walking into a parallel universe. Inside,        speak. But like a Jedi knight, I bent them to my will. I
     expressing fundamental disagreement on political            everybody was wearing business suits. There was a         explained that I was a high-profile journalist from a
     issues or an impulsive disapproval of candidacy             guy selling framed photos of George Bush for              political student magazine in New Zealand and had
     based on suspicion of political naiveté.                    US$450, “Join Arnold” badges were a bargain at $1,        come all the way over here to cover this event, but
          To Arnold, it means breakfast.                         and a pensioner was peddling his lunch ticket for         sorry, no, I must’ve left my business card in the hotel
     “This guy owes me some bacon,” he said to the               $200. The atmosphere was building as Arnold was           suite... I have my New Zealand passport on me
     assailant during a public appearance at California          about to deliver a speech to the Republican               though. This display rewarded me with full, all-access
     State University a week ago.                                delegates. I asked the old man whether there was any      press accreditation and a chance to see Arnold… on
          One week later a dozen police cars, twenty anti-       way to hear Arnold without spending $200. “Not            TV.
     abortion activists and a guy in a chicken-suit              really,” he said. “There are cracks in the doors, but          Film stars are more popular than politicians, and
     converge on West Century Boulevard only minutes             you couldn’t hear through them without an amplifier.”     so the Imperial Room where the main proceedings
     away from Los Angeles International Airport. Arnold’s       A skilled salesman even at 72.                            were taking place was full. I settled for the overflow
     script-writers would have never guessed that their              I approached a “Join Arnold” stall nearby and         room, where latecomers were watching the
     witty one-liners would one day find their way into an       asked them the same question. They concurred with         proceedings on a life-size TV screen. Ironic to go to
     abortion campaign run by Christian Conservative             the old man on the difficulty of eavesdropping, and       all this effort just to see the proceedings on television,
     zealots. “Don’t let Arnold terminate the unborn,”           so I enquired about the speech that I just missed.        but given the likelihood that they would never be
     screams a Christian protestor wearing a “Jesus loves        “Well, like, basically he talked about what’s wrong       broadcast it unedited to the public, I felt privileged.
     you” t-shirt. “Hasta la vista babies, you have just         with California now and how he’s gonna fix things              Mary Bono introduced Arnold Schwarzenegger as
     been erased,” screams another.                              and stuff,” said the stall holder. And how does Arnold    the Gubernational Republican candidate for

                                                                 But when tossed by a heckler and splattered on the left shoulder
                                                                 of ex-actor, ex-bodybuilder and first-time candidate running for
                                                                 Governor of California, it holds quite a different meaning - a
                                                                 visual insult expressing fundamental disagreement on political
                                                                 issues or an impulsive disapproval of candidacy based on
                                                                 suspicion of political naiveté.
                                                                    To Arnold, it means breakfast.

          The guy in a chicken suit is wearing a banner
     advertising the slogan “Arnold is a debate chicken.”        hope to achieve this? “Well, car tax has been tripled     Governor of California, her inclusion a celebration of
     With overt symbolism he expresses his disapproval at        in the last year and he’s gonna to repeal it.”            women in politics in the Republican Party. She was
     Arnold’s elusiveness in public debates and the actor’s           Cars and money - two things very dear the            the only female speaker I saw.
     inability to say anything in a public forum that hasn’t     Republican philosophy. I argued for the merits of car
     been scripted and rehearsed in advance. In this             tax on the basis that it punishes people for driving,
     sense, the Join Arnold campaign forms a seemingless         thus decreasing the number of drivers, decongesting
                                                                                                                             Mary approaches the podium.
     progression from Schwarzenegger’s previous motion           roads, making public transport more feasible, and
                                                                                                                             Close up on Mary, her expression genuine
     pictures.                                                   reducing the environmental burden of carbon
                                                                                                                             and passionate.
          The scene is from the aftermath of the                 monoxide emissions being spewed out into the
     Schwarzenegger for Governor rally held an hour              atmosphere and leading to environmental
     earlier in the Marriott Hotel Parking Lot. Initially, my    catastrophe? But this political blasphemy was not
                                                                                                                               This is the most exciting convention I
     goal had been to cover the actual rally itself, except      welcomed by the stall holder. “Please leave,” he said
                                                                                                                               have attended in my political career. The
     having missed it, I had to settle for the aftermath. For    with a condescending smile.
                                                                                                                               problems we are in are complicated and
     this, I blame cars. Los Angeles may be world famous              If there is one thing that we can learn from the
                                                                                                                               are due to a lack of common sense,
     for its plastic surgery, pornography and trashy films,      Dali Lama, it’s that a smile can get you a long way in
                                                                                                                               largely due to the Davis administration,
     but it ain’t famous for its public transportation system.   the political arena. My smile was not one of
                                                                                                                               but Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to
     The trip from Westwood to LAX takes about 12                happiness, but rather the remnant of a brave attempt
                                                                                                                               bring common sense back to Sacramento.
     minutes by car. The same trip by bus takes 180              not to burst out in laughter at the pure ridiculousness
                                                                                                                               Please welcome the next Governor of the
     minutes, which is a simple consequence of the fact          of the Republican event. Luckily an exaggerated smirk
                                                                                                                               State of California.
     that everybody here drives, public transport is             can appear like a flirtatious smile in a politically
     considered superfluous, and the resulting smog is an        charged environment where power is an
                                                                                                                             Deafening applause.
     acceptable compromise.                                      overabundant aphrodisiac, and I negotiate a re-entry
                                                                                                                             Arnold approaches the podium.
          But luck was on my side this day, and as I entered     ticket to the room where Arnold was about to speak

                                                                                                                                        Craccum Magazine, Issue 21 - September 29, 2003 (15
Craccum21               10/7/03           9:29 PM          Page 16

                Close up on Arnold, smug grin, nod.                                                                         rest of the delegates in the room.
                                                                      ARNOLD                                                Exit Arnold.
                ARNOLD                                                  I am a Republican because free
                  Thank you. Thank you very much.                       enterprise is good and communism is evil
  s t o r y

                                                                        and because Milton Friedman is right and
                                                                                                                          Next, in nothing short of a reverse of the Last Action
                Deafening applause continues for three                  Karl Marx is wrong. And when I hear
                                                                                                                          Hero plot synopsis, Arnold walked out of the TV
                minutes.                                                about the Davis illegal immigrant driver’s
                                                                                                                          screen and (through the doorway) into the overflow
                Arnold gives ‘thumbs up’ to the crowd and               license bill, I am a Republican because I
                                                                                                                          room where I was taking notes and watching from.
                nods twice                                              believe in the rules of the law and not
                                                                                                                          Another imaginative chant followed, “Ar-nold, Ar-
                                                                        political pandering.
                                                                                                                          nold, Ar-nold...”
  c o v e r

                                                                                                                               “I heard about this extra room,” he said. “Hi… I
                  Thank you to Mary Bono. This convention             Applause.
                                                                                                                          know that we can turn this around. I’m an activistic
                  is a celebration of Republican women in
                                                                                                                          person. We have to start with deregulation, bring the
                  leadership, and I think Mary Bono is a              ARNOLD
                                                                                                                          revenues back, and pay off the debt. Don’t spend
                  terrific embodiment of that. I believe that           Here is what I will do. I will terminate
                                                                                                                          more than you’ve got.” Perhaps this last comment
                  very soon we will have a female                       Davis’ illegal immigrant driver’s license
                                                                                                                          was to point out his aptitude for common sense that
                  Governor of California… and she will be               bill. I will go to the legislators, and if they
                                                                                                                          Mary Bono had previously pointed out.
                  a Republican.                                         do not repeal it, I will go to the people
                                                                                                                               Schwarzenegger’s inspiration (Nixon) and role
                                                                        and we will overturn it ourselves.
                                                                                                                          model (Dubya) are serious reasons for concern, but
                                                                                                                          despite his capitalist tendencies and outright rejection
                                                                         I will repeal the Democrats 300%
                                                                                                                          of communism and Karl Marx, Arnold is a socially
                ARNOLD                                                   increase in car tax. I will decentralise
                                                                                                                          moderate Republican who, if elected, will do more to
                  You know, a lot of people have asked me                education. I will return money to the
                                                                                                                          liberalize the Republican Party than anyone else in the
                  over the past few weeks, “Arnold, why are              schoolyards. And I will make sure that
                                                                                                                          last ten years.
                  you a Republican?” So I will tell you why I            our environmental regulations will serve
                                                                                                                               The delegates refer to him as a RINO (Republican
                  am a Republican. I am a Republican                     the environment and make common
                                                                                                                          In Name Only) because of his liberal stance on social
                  because I didn’t like the impact of                    sense.
                                                                                                                          issues. Arnold is in favor of stricter gun control, gay
                  Communism in Austria. I wanted hope
                                                                                                                          marriages and a women’s right to choose whether or
                  and freedom, and when I was 22 my                      Like President Bush brought leadership to
                                                                                                                          not she has an abortion. He is also in support of a
                  dream came true and I came to America.                 Washington DC, I can guarantee, I will
                                                                                                                          proposition that would make it illegal for institutions
                                                                         bring leadership to Sacramento.
                                                                                                                          to request racial data, which seems nice at face
                    When I came to America, and I

                                                                     Next, in nothing short of a reverse of the Last Action Hero plot
                                                                     synopsis, Arnold walked out of the TV screen and (through the
                                                                     doorway) into the overflow room where I was taking notes and
                                                                     watching from. Another imaginative chant followed, “Ar-nold, Ar-
                                                                     nold, Ar-nold...”

                    remember in 1968 they had the
                                                                                                                          value, but is seen by some as a thinly veiled attempt
                    presidential elections, and it was
                                                                                                                          to make it more difficult to demonstrate affirmative
                    Humphrey against Nixon. I listened to the         Applause and standing ovation tending
                                                                                                                          action in schools and the workplace.
                    news coverage and what they stood for             towards ecstasy.
                                                                                                                              Along with cars and money, guns are very dear to
                    and what their policies were, and every
                                                                                                                          the Republican philosophy so it was diplomatic of
                    time I listened to Nixon and he talked            ARNOLD
                                                                                                                          Arnold not to mention his views on gun control to the
                    about opening up international trade,               Let us unite for victory. Let us unite for
                                                                                                                          two rooms of delegates at the Republican conference.
                    lowering taxes and strengthening the                victory. Let us unite for victory.
                                                                                                                          But when interviewed by Californian Family magazine,
                    military – it sounded like to music to my
                                                                                                                          Arnold was much more open with the stark
                    ears.                                             DELEGATES
                                                                                                                          contradiction between his acting and political
                                                                         Ar-nold, Ar-nold, Ar-nold, Ar-nold.
                                                                                                                          careers. “I don’t run around every day with a gun in
                    I asked my friend, “What party is this guy           [abridged]
                                                                                                                          my hand. I want kids to understand the difference;
                    from?” “Republican,” he responded. “Well
                                                                                                                          one is make-believe, like we do in the movies. But in
                    then I am a republican,” I said.                  A dozen simultaneous orgasms.
                                                                                                                          reality I’m for gun control. I’m a peace loving guy.”
                                                                                                                          Cheesy, pandering and maybe just a little naïve of
                Applause.                                             ARNOLD
                                                                                                                          the relationship between fiction and reality in a
                                                                        Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If you
                                                                                                                          media-obsessed society such as California, but at
                ARNOLD                                                  want the Davis administration out, then
                                                                                                                          least it’s a step forwards to the political agenda
                  I couldn’t wait to become a citizen so that           please join me. I love the Republican
                                                                                                                          espoused by Bowling for Columbine.
                  I could vote republican.                              Party.
                                                                                                                              And the editors of Californian Family magazine
                                                                                                                          love Arnie, drawing parallels to his previous
                Applause.                                             Pan out. Capture the tireless applause of the

              16 ) Craccum Magazine, Issue 21 - September 29, 2003
Craccum21     10/7/03         9:29 PM        Page 17

                                                                                                                        WHAT WOULD ARNOLD DO?

     sponsorship of the After School Education and Safety        McClintock, leaving Arnold in a close second place         pass that Tony Strickland, Senator of Bush,
     Initiative and to his affectionate role in Kindergarten     to Gray Davis’ lieutenant. This is the reason behind       came to speak in praise of Tom. And he
     Cop. Going back to 1989, they mention that he was           the “Let us unite for victory” statement repeated at the   approached the altar so that the Republican
     appointed by President Bush to head the Council on          end of Arnold’s speech – a subtle request for Tom to       people might hear. And he informed the
     Physical Fitness and “stumped in all 50 states at his       drop out as well.                                          sinful masses, “I think this recall is a
     own expense.”                                                     Tom McClintock, a traditional Christian family       wonderful thing.
          But as the chicken and the egg pointed out             man in his 40’s and slightly goober-like in
     earlier, not everybody loves Arnie. After the delegates     appearance, is the absolute antithesis of a RINO. He       “Tom was the first person to talk about
     departed, I walked back through the portal into the         is a Conservative Republican who “plays a straight         repealing the car tax. I believe that Tom is
     parallel universe outside the Marriott Hotel. This time     course” and is author of California’s lethal injection     our best candidate. I see a lot of similarities
     I bumped into the Code Pink activist group who were         death penalty law. He takes great pride in being the       between Ronald Reagan and Tom
     protesting against Arnold’s proclivity to womanizing.       first Californian senator to suggest completely doing      McClintock. You always know where he
     They sported a “sexual misconduct is not a family           away with car tax, the same car tax that was               stands, from car tax to pretty much
     value” banner that had apparently been held within          increased threefold by the Californian Democrats in        everything we believe in.”
     Arnold’s view during his speech until the solo covert       the 12 months. So enthused by car tax is he that it
     activist had been ushered out by the suits.                 has formed the basis of his campaign slogan: “Tom          And Tony’s praises were well received and
          There were six of them in total and one of them        McClintock: Stop the Car Tax.”            the people rejoiced. “Go Tom Go, Go Tom
     male - I couldn’t be completely sure whether or not               Tom’s views on social issues are well-captured in    Go” they cheered.
     they comprised more than a single family. They              a brochure put out by the California Republican Party
     handed out a brochure of sexist quotes mouthed by           Platform entitled “Where is Arnold on Republican           Now there was a certain man of the
     Arnold over the last three decades. Recently, they          Party Principles?” which is worth quoting at length.       Republican Party of California and his name
     caught Arnold red-handed by quoting: “As much as                  “Arnold supports the woman’s right to choose, the    was Tom McClintock, the son of Mr and Mrs
     when you see a blonde with great tits and a great           state’s current family planning programs and               McClintock, and married heterosexual father
     ass, you say to yourself, ‘Hey, she must be stupid or       domestic partnerships. Tom OPPOSES abortion,               of two. And it came to be that he accepted
     have nothing else to offer’, which may be the case          abortion funding and domestic partnerships and has         this invitation to preach to the sinful masses.
     many times, but…”                                           consistently voted this way… Recognizing the
          They had fished something up from the 70’s             traditional model of monogamous heterosexual               And Tom said, “Five years ago I started
     referring to a gang bang with a female bodybuilder          marriage as the only stable relationship upon which        talking about abolishing car tax, and I asked
     who walked naked into an outdoor gym full of                to build a society, we believe that homosexuality          voters ‘What kind of politician would do
     poseurs at Venice Beach. Arnold told the LA Times           should not be presented as an acceptable                   this?’ And do you know what the response
     this week that this had only been a joke and a              ‘alternative’ lifestyle in public education and policy.    was? ‘A democrat of course, because
                                                                                                                            abolishing car tax helps the working family to

     They had fished something up from the 70’s referring to a gang
     bang with a female bodybuilder who walked naked into an
     outdoor gym full of poseurs at Venice Beach. Arnold told the LA
     Times this week that this had only been a joke and a publicity
     stunt from his earlier bodybuilding days.

                                                                                                                            get to work in the morning.’ Gray Davis has
     publicity stunt from his earlier bodybuilding days.         We oppose granting to homosexuals special                  reconnected these voters to reality.
          But sex is too easy a tactic to degrade and            privileges, including marriage, domestic partner
     trivialize politicians and detract attention away from      benefits, and child custody or adoption.”                  “Someone once told me, ‘A conservative is a
     their policies. Two of the three main left-wing                 While Arnold has gone out of his way in the            liberal who has been mugged.’ Well, I can
     candidates for Governor were criticized by                  campaign so far not to say anything, good or bad,          tell you now, the conservatives have been
     Republicans on sexual terms - Arianna Huffington for        about Tom, Tom has accused Arnold of being                 mugged, and they have been mugged by
     “marrying a republican congressman, turning that            primarily an actor and only an amateur politician.         their state government.”
     republican gay and then divorcing him while                 This is a common point of criticism and has also
     retaining his surname for recognition,” and Larry Flynt     been made by none other than Sylvester Stallone and        And the people cheered, “That’s right.” “Yes
     for “starting his political career giving cash rewards to   the Dixie Chicks, but as assemblyman Ray Hanes, a          Tom,” they cried.
     anyone who could produce photographs of                     Conservative stalwart, said in an NBC interview last
     Republican legislators having affairs, going to the         week, “Government’s no rocket science, to be blunt.        And Tom said, “I will rescind the car tax, void
     Supreme Court to defend his right to sell                   It doesn’t take a whole lot of time to figure out what     electricity contracts, bring workers’ costs
     pornography, and then marrying a sixteen year old           is going on.”                                              down, and all this before lunch on the first
     stripper.” Cruz Bustamante comes out unscathed but              I watched Tom’s speech in the Imperial Ballroom        day.
     then he isn’t exactly a babe-magnet.                        and the dinner function was true to its conservative
          Larry Flynt pulled out of the race a few weeks ago     roots. It began with a prayer to God and George            “I will decongest highways by removing the
     and Arianna Huffington is polling like she did too,         Dubya Bush.                                                diamond lanes, make sure the highway tax is
     leaving the left united behind Democrat Cruz                                                                           actually spent on the highways, and remove
     Bustamante if the Recall is to be successful in ousting                                                                the driver’s license bill for illegal aliens.”
     Gray Davis. However, the Republican vote is divided
                                                                   And following the Lord’s Prayer it came to
     between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom                                                                                  And the people cried, “Yes. Thank you Tom.

                                                                                                                                     Craccum Magazine, Issue 21 - September 29, 2003 (17
Craccum21               10/7/03           9:29 PM          Page 18

              WHAT WOULD ARNOLD DO?

                Yes!”                                                 suit trousers. Panels begin to be named after              people with a free mug. Next door, the California
                                                                      Democrats and political rivals. Ironically, last week a    Grass Roots Leadership Committee offered cash
                And Tom said, “One of my most vivid                   dozen SUVs were vandalized in Downtown LA by ELF           prizes and free battered mushrooms to all who
                childhood memories is of when I came home             (Earth Liberation Front) in an act that any Republican     attended.
                to my parents’ Thousand Oaks suburban                 would consider terrorism, yet now the Republicans               But the biggest party consisted of about forty
                house to find my mother sitting at the dinner         themselves are destroying the very cars they are trying    uncoordinated politicos wrestling with outdated beats
                table in tears. ‘Why are you crying?’ I asked         to protect from the dreaded car tax.                       from AC/DC to Grease Lightning and even some
                her. She told me that she was crying because               It is madness in its very essence. Removing car       mid-90s hard house. Its slogan was “Who said
                her taxes were so high that she was losing            taxes will not solve anybody’s problems. If more           Republicans can’t dance?” I observed but said
  s t o r y

                all of her savings to the government, and she         people can afford to buy cars, then there will be          nothing.
                couldn’t live the life that she wanted to. Her        more congestion, slower traffic, more pollution and             Next door, a Schwarzenegger tribute party
                hopes and dreams had been stolen by the               more smog. Similarly, removing diamond lanes               screened a marathon of action flicks. Arnold had to
                taxing system. Ever since that day, I have            previously reserved for car pooling and public             cancel acting in a sequel to Collateral Damage in
                been committed to reducing taxes for                  transport will reduce the incentives for using public      order to fulfill his strenuous campaign schedule. But
                America’s working families, to help them              transport and lead to even more congestion and             somehow I think he will be providing us with more
  c o v e r

                reach their goals.”                                   further pollution.                                         entertainment this way.
                                                                           Now these crazy Republicans are smashing a car             As a foreigner, one of the most disturbing aspects
                And the people cried, “Yeah!”                         that could’ve delivered a working family to work,          of the convention was the Californians Republicans’
                                                                      wasting resources, displaying their inner destructive      nightmarish obsession with cars. As Vote No First
                And Tom continued, “Now is the time to roll           character (earlier they were praising the Iraq war),       candidate William Tsangares said, “with Arnold
                back the taxes that are choking the working           and making anti-French claims whilst simultaneously        driving a Hummer, Arianna in a hybrid and
                class. I recall a brighter past – a California        promoting international business and globalization.        McClintock smashing an Audi, California are
                where housing was cheap, jobs were                         And now for a commercial break. The following         defining their campaigns by vehicular styles.” From
                plentiful, and it took 40 minutes to get to           is an actual flyer distributed by Tom McClintock:          car tax to driver’s licensing, the Republican campaign
                Downtown LA from Thousand Oaks. Now it                                                                           trail shows no promise that Los Angeles will ever be
                takes two hours. That California was the                                                                         anything other than a dirty fish tank.
                                                                  – Tom McClintock Million
                place where I grew up, and I want it back.”                                                                           But the Democrats have fumbled. The Californian
                                                                                           Dollar Clubs
                                                                                                                                 budget has dived from a $15 billion surplus to a $38
                                                                         Send at least $1,000 and become a million
                And the people chanted, “Yeah. Go Tom Go.                                                                        billion dollar deficit during their term, taxes and
                                                                                 dollar club member [Go figure.]
                Go Tom Go.”                                                                                                      unemployment rates are at an all-time high and
                                                                          Send at least $100 and become a member
                                                                                                                                 education funding is dwindling. As with most
                                                                        of the 10 million dollar club [Go figure again.]
                And it came to be that Tom concluded his                                                                         elections, voters are faced with a decision to make
                                                                          Send at least $20 to become a member of
                sermon by extending an offer to the sinful                                                                       the best of a bad ballot list.
                                                                         the 20 million dollar club [Seems like the best
                masses to spend $2 of their fortune and take                                                                          While Schwarzenegger faces criticism on the basis
                                                                         value for money. Maybe it’s some witty comment
                out their frustration at the Davis                                                                               of womanizing, abortion support, comparatively few
                                                                        that rich people tend to be more miserly with their
                administration by stoning an Audi car with a                                                                     debating appearances, and political naiveté, his
                sledgehammer. In jest, Tom claimed to have                                                                       name recognition has given him the power to force
                                                                            Make checks payable to McClintock for
                sought a French car, but without luck. And so                                                                    many Republicans to abandon their backward and
                Tom’s sermon was heard, forever and ever.                                                                        traditional social party lines. But like his unexpected
                                                                                   Send your Investment now.
                Amen.                                                                                                            candidacy, there’s no guarantee his campaign will
                                                                                                                                 have a Hollywood ending.
                                                                      The convention ended with a series of parties, which
                                                                      led to endless political ‘party’ jokes. Tom invited             —Dr John Marshall is now residing in California.
              It’s now 9pm and a Republican hits an Audi
                                                                      delegates to “swing back to the Golden Era of
              hatchback with a sledgehammer, slipping over in the
                                                                      California” with him, blatantly confirming he is living
              process, smashed glass lodging firmly into his dinner
                                                                      firmly in the past. On the flyer he bribed the first 300

              18 ) Craccum Magazine, Issue 21 - September 29, 2003

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