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Being Assertive is Good For Marriage

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					Being Assertive is Good For Marriage
Being assertive is a good thing for marriage because it lets our spouse
know how we are feeling and that means productive communication. Anytime
we express ourselves to our spouse in a good way we are being confident
in what we are saying and that is what assertiveness is.
Don't confuse assertive behavior with being bossy, pushy, controlling,
demanding, or aggressive because those behaviors will not help you in
your communications with your spouse or with any others y ou are in a
relationship with. These behaviors are inappropriate actions and will
result in unproductive expression of self.
When we assert ourselves, such as the way we feel, to our spouse, it
helps them to understand us better, and that way they can meet our needs
in a much better way, which is beneficial for the marriage. Being
assertive is useful for marriage, especially during a misunderstanding or
argument.
Assertive expression is a good way to communicate if we want to improve
the openness and intimacy of our marriage. Most of us married people need
and want a spouse who is going to be open and assertive with their
feelings, need, and wants. But sometimes we can come across as naggy,
bossy, or complaining, so we need to be careful how we assert ourselves.
Discernment is the key here.
Be Assertive When...
1. Be assertive when you need your spouse to know how you feel
2. Be assertive when you need to assert self-confidence in your ability
about something
3. Be assertive when you feel that your spouse does not understand how
you feel
4. Be assertive when you have children that need to obey your house rules
5. Be assertive when you want to show more self-assurance in certain
areas of your life
6. Be assertive when you need to be open and honest
7. Be assertive when you find yourself people-pleasing
Don't Be Assertive If...
1. Don't be assertive if it is going to hurt someone emotionally,
mentally, or spiritually
2. Don't be assertive if it does not let someone know how you feel about
something
3. Don't be assertive if you are being pushy, controlling, or
aggressively assertive
4. Don't be assertive if you are annoying or invalidating
5. Don't be assertive if it makes you selfish
The best way to tell your spouse how you feel about something without
them overthrowing your feelings is to first validate them and their
opinion. Be positive first and then assert your own feelings and
thoughts. Never put down, deny, or invalidate the way a person feels.
Everyone thinks and feels differently and we should never deny another
persons feelings, even if it differs from our own.
If you are having an argument with your spouse, it is perfectly ok to
assert your feelings and express yourself productively, meaning, if it is
going to help the argument get to a resolve, than by all means tell it
like it is. Be politely assertive and it will help the outcome of the
argument.
How To Be Politely Assertive
1. Be respectful at all times
2. Say how you feel, but don't say how someone else feels
3. Stay positive about the feelings of another
4. Be open and honest about how you feel
People-pleasing spouses usually do not assert themselves and they end up
feeling resentful and disappointed with the marriage. This is very
detrimental to the marriage. Not only does your spouse not know how you
feel but also they will not be able to assist in the recovery of your
feelings through a resolution because they do not know what you want or
need.
What is people-pleasing? People-pleaser's want everyone to be happy. They
work hard to make sure to please everyone but themselves. Resentment
settles in causing animosity and other negative feelings. Ironically
neither spouse is happy in this kind of marriage because the receiving
spouse feels the resentment and bitterness of the people-pleaser spouse
from their emotions and behaviors.
Unfortunately, I have seen it happen over and over again, when a spouse
does not speak up about what they want and need they become like a
punching bag. They take in lots of taunting, rejection, and disrespect.
But the minute they begin to assert themselves with self-confidence to
their spouse they start getting the respect they deserve.
The truth is we can still please our spouse and get what we want too, by
being assertive about our wants and needs. We need to find balance that
brings joy and happiness to the marriage. We shouldn't become selfish to
be assertive, but we should become assertive to bring more happiness into
the marriage.
We can only please ourselves by letting others know how we feel. And when
we do assert ourselves we feel more loving. Love will flow freely from
our heart and this is real love. We assert ourselves so we can be more
loving! Now, what spouse does not want to be genuinely loved by the man
or woman they married? Strangely enough, the more we please ourselves,
the better marriage partner we become. With our own needs fulfilled, we
will have so much more to give.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man
hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us,
and his love is perfected in us. ( 1 John 4:11,12)
Angie Lewis is the author of five marriage books offering marriage tips
and wisdom filled answers tackling such issues as addiction, adultery,
pornography, emotions, beliefs, forgiveness, communication and much, much
more.
"Adultery Pandemic" is Angie's latest book. Turn Your Marriage Into A
Success! If you want to restore your marriage from the demoralizing
effects of adultery, then look no further - this is the book for you!
To preview these books go here: http://www.lulu.com/AngieLewis/
Marriage Resources - http://www.heavenministries.com/

				
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posted:10/21/2010
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