A Guide To Avoiding Stalkers

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					A Guide To Avoiding Stalkers
Posted by admin On April 29, 2010 6:40 AM

Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the greatest show that ever was, and ever will be! What are we talking
about? We?re talking about A Guide to Responsible Living, of course?your number one source of domestic
advice! I?m your new hard, Carla Mackey, and I?m here to show you why your home isn?t living up to its full
potential.

I?m replacing our older host. We won?t speak of him, or what he did. What we will do, though, is wish him plenty of luck. He?s
taking a ?vacation? for at least twenty five years, but he might be gone for the rest of his life! That?s how good our benefits are
around here! I?m not lying!


But, no. Seriously? We wish him well.


At any rate, we?ve got a packed show today, so we?d better get straight to the questions. Call number one, you?re on the air!


?Oh, hi Carla. I was just wondering what I should do with all of my old home furnishings . I was thinking about rent a space to keep
them in, but I thought that you might have a better idea of how I could put them to use. Thanks!?


That?s an excellent question, caller number one. Have you ever heard of a rock garden before? I bet that you have. You know
what?s terrible about them? They?re so uninviting! You can?t find a place to sit; it gets so hot in the summer; it gives your stalker a
perfectly easy way to break your living room window! Well, you know what you can do to freshen them up? You can stick all of your
old furniture out there! Just stick it out there, right in the middle of the rocks. It looks great, and it?ll keep the stalkers at bay.


Next caller!


?Yeah. I was wondering if you had any advice on how I can get the most use out of my kitchen . What in the world can I do to liven
that place up??


Fruits! Lots of nice, ripe fruits! Sure, they?re going to come with a healthy dose of fruit flies, but that?s the price you pay for a
beautiful culinary space. And if you?re like me, you know that your stalker hates the smell of ripe and rotting fruit. He just won?t
come near my window when I stuff the place full of fruit. What a bizarre phobia, right audience?


Next caller!


?Carla, I just can?t figure out how to liven up my driveway. It?s so dreadful out there. I tried cutting down all of the trees and
covering my back yard in blacktop, but it?s still ugly as sin! What can I do to fix it??


Well, caller, if you?re even the slightest bit like me, you?re going to cover your driveway in pet supplies and building supplies . Pet
foods and toys imply that you?ve got a big, scary attack dog inside of your house, and sheet wood and nails imply that you own a
hammer! That?s all you need to keep those stalkers out of your chimney!


And on that note, viewers, I think that we?re just about out of time. Feel free to join us next week for another exciting topic: home
security! That?s right. We?re going to guide you through the process of installing security cameras, electric fences, and laser
cannons around your home?and all on a budget!


We?ll also discuss the importance of welding your windows shut and installing ten locks on your front door! And we?ll show you how
to install a trap door in your car, so it?ll only look like you?re leaving for work.


We?ll see you next time!


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