Forgiveness – The Gift
You Give Yourself
Because of human nature, everyone at one time or another may become offended and so will have an opportunity to forgive. It takes a lot of courage to take the first step. However, the benefits are worth the experience. Forgiveness is generally referred to as a willingness to abandon resentment for being treated unfairly. Archbishop Desmond Tutu, stated,… “forgiveness is facing the ghastliness of what has happened…” it allows the other person a chance at redemption. What Forgiveness Is and What It Isn’t Forgiveness is the decision to no longer hold a grudge toward someone who has caused hurt. There may be some confusion about whether forgiveness requires reconciliation. According to many researchers, it does not. While reconciliation happens after forgiveness, it does not have to take place in order to forgive. In fact, reconciliation is impossible in situations such as when the wrongdoer has died. Reconciliation may not be wise in situations where the wrong-doer poses a physical or psychological threat. Forgiving does not condone or excuse an infraction. It does require an acknowledgment that mistreatment has occurred and is wrong. One’s goal is not to forget in order to forgive. Forgetting the incident or wiping it from one’s memory leaves one unable to protect oneself from repeated hurts. With forgiveness, one remembers the incident, but in a different and healthier way. Forgiving is more than saying words. It is a process that changes the emotions of unforgiveness. And, how much time is needed for one to complete the forgiveness process is unique to each individual. Physical, Psychological and Social Benefits of Forgiveness. For many years, forgiveness was strongly related to spirituality. Since the late 1980s forgiveness research expanded beyond the work of theologians. Social scientists have found that those who choose to forgive, experience noticeable results which directly benefit them. These results manifest in physical, psychological and social benefits. Physical benefits
Forgiving reduces hostility, anxiety and depression which are risk factors associated with heart disease and high blood pressure. Forgiving contributes to positive brain functioning characterized by the improvement of one’s ability to make better decisions.
Psychological benefits
Forgiving changes the story so that the energy of bitterness, pain and anger is released. One is able to learn from the situation and move on. Persons who forgive report less depression than do those who choose to not forgive.
Social benefits
Persons who forgive display the characteristics of likeable people. They are less likely to be angry, hostile and bitter. Forgiveness may repair social relationships. Because one is no longer harboring resentment toward the other person, the tension between the parties is reduced. With a different perspective on the situation, one is able to choose how to relate to the wrong-doer. In some cases, it may mean that the relationship is severed. Even when a person has forgiven someone for an offense it may be necessary to remove themselves from the relationship. In abusive or unhealthy relationships, it becomes self-protective to discontinue interacting with someone who continues to harm you.
Barriers to Forgiveness There are times when people find it extremely difficult to forgive or when they are just simply unwilling to forgive someone. These are some of the factors that hinder a person’s ability to forgive:
Fear that forgiving someone for a wrongful act will increase the chance of it happening again. Fear that they will appear to be weak. Fear that justice will not be served; or they lose that “victim” status. Disagreement about the charge of the wrong-doing, Considering it to be unfair, inaccurate, or excessive.
These are some of the reasons wrong-doers fail to ask for forgiveness:
Shame. Fear of punishment or restrictions. Feeling devalued because they did not live up to their ideal self. Can’t believe another will forgive them
2
The Process of Forgiveness Forgiveness is a difficult and complex task. Some suggestions that help facilitate the process of forgiveness include: Accepting strong emotions such as sadness or anger. Deciding to forgive. This often happens when it is recognized that not forgiving does not work. Working on forgiveness. In this phase, one works on developing a different perspective on the situation. Releasing the negative emotions, thus allowing one to discover the personal growth and important meaning in the hurt and forgiveness process. Author and researcher, Fredric Luskin offers additional guidance for the forgiveness process. Keep the focus on you. The process is about you and freeing your energy for constructive purposes. Focus on now. Feelings of hurt and sadness about past events may return. They can be replaced with positive thoughts. Replace the grievance story of how hurtful the offender was with a story that recounts your personal journey from victim to survivor. Start small – choose a relatively minor offense to focus on as you begin learning how to forgive. Forgiveness can be learned. Start small and build your forgiveness muscles. Forgiveness is seldom easy. It requires a conscious choice that holds the potential of many benefits for those who are successful. Consider these questions to prompt further discussion if necessary. These questions do not require answers – you may use them as food for thought: Must one “qualify” in order to be forgiven? Are there any situations that justify not forgiving? How did your parents forgive? References: McCullough, M.E., Pargement, K. I. & Thoreson, C. E. (2000). Forgiveness: Theory, research and practice. New York, NY; Guilford Press. Luskin, F. (2002). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. New York, NY; Harper Collins.
Authors: Giesela Grumbach, Betty Lou Barsley - Marra, and Rachel Schwarzendruber, Family Life Educators Reviewed by: Molly Hofer and Patti Faughn, Family Life Educators
University of Illinois College of Agricultural, Consumer and Environmental Sciences United States Department of 3 Agriculture Local Extension Councils Cooperating University of Illinois Extension provides equal opportunities in programs and employment.