So You Want To Fake Your Own Death…
But Why Would I Want to Fake My Own Death?
The faking of one’s own death can provide solutions to many everyday problems, such as:
• Crippling Financial Debt
• Psychotic Ex-lovers
• Annoying Family Gatherings • Work • The Boring Monotony of Everyday Life
•By following these few simple steps, you can help to ensure that your new, “post-mortem” life will be happy and free of any cumbersome past.
Step 1: Establish a Motive for Someone to Murder You
Murder happens every day, so why shouldn’t you be a victim? In order to convince your friends, creditors, and loved ones that you’ve been murdered, you’ll have to first establish a believable motive:
• Develop an intense drug habit, and talk about your newfound drug use frequently. •During casual discussions, mention the fact that you owe a drug dealer a large amount of money, but that it’s not a big deal, because “he probably won’t come after you for it”. • Look incredibly distressed and nervous when meeting with people, but then tell them that nothing is wrong.
Step 2: Plant Evidence
After you’ve disappeared, the police are going to search through you home and workplace looking for clues, so be meticulous:
•Leave post-it notes around your house with large monetary numbers and days of the week on them (ex: “$38k by Friday”).
• Ransack your house, leaving signs of a struggle.
• Drip some of your own blood (but not too much) on the carpets and floors.
• Leave some carefully smudged fingerprints that could seem to belong to someone else.
•Don’t feed your gerbil.
Step 3: The Red Herring
This is the most important element of faking your own death:
• In the dead of night, roll your car off of a cliff in a deserted location. Your goal is to make it look like someone else tried to make it look like an accident.
• Buy a bus ticket using a fake name, and wear a disguise to the bus station. Change buses several times on the way to your final destination, and take an illogical route.
The police will realize that you didn’t actually die in the car accident, because they won’t find a body, but they will think that someone else set up the fake death, perhaps the “drug dealer” that you’ve been talking about frequently. This will work to your favor.
Step 4: Commit To Your Own Death
After faking your own death, you can never have any contact with your previous world again. NONE. So think carefully before going through with this plan:
• No phone calls, letters, or emails to friends or family. • No updating your facebook and/or twitter pages
Conclusion
Faking your own death is not a decision that should come easily. It involves complete abandonment of your current life and everyone and everything you love…but if you can pull it off, it’s totally awesome! You can start a new life anywhere you want:
• Tahiti
• Canada • Transylvania • Argentina
The opportunities are endless! Good luck!