ASSERTIVENESS One of the most important forms of behaviour therapy is Assertiveness Training (AT). So just what is assertiveness ? What does being assertive entail ? It's about being able to express yourself with confidence without having to resort to passive, aggressive or manipulative behavior. It involves greater self-awareness; getting to know, like and be in charge of the real 'you' It requires listening and responding to the needs of others without neglecting your own interests or compromising your principles. It is abut improving your interpersonal skills; more effective communication; controlling stress through a better handling of problem people and situations. It is about choice - being able to express your needs, opinions or feelings, confident that you will not be dominated, exploited or coerced against your wishes. Assertiveness is about effective communication and this does not just mean choosing the right words to say in a given situation. Tone of voice, intonation, volume, facial expression, gesture and body language all play a part in the message you are sending to the other person, and unless all parts of the equation match, you will be sending a garbled message. Generally, if you are putting yourself or the other person down in some way, your communication style is not assertive. Although there will be times when you choose to be passive, or use more aggressive 'muscle', an assertive response is invariably the preferable one, and leads to win/win situations where both parties feel good about themselves. Assertive skills can be learnt, and later chapters explore the various approaches and techniques which can be applied. Conditioning When you first entered this world, and until you were about six months old, you knew and demonstrated two forms of behavior : passive, dependent behavior and aggressive, demanding behavior. As you grew older, one of the first words you will have learnt and uttered is 'No' This is a way of saying, 'I can now begin to rationalize, to make my own decisions.' It is a way of beginning to establish independence as a unique individual.
For toddlers, being passive sometimes, aggressive at others, freely expressing feelings, and saying 'No' without guilt or malice, is spontaneous and natural. Were you reprimanded for saying 'No' as a small child? Were you told it was not polite …. Might hurt others' feelings …. Make you unpopular ? Might this have a bearing on why you might find it difficult to utter the 'No' word today ? Passive and aggressive behaviors come naturally to us and often seem the easy ( though seldom the most effective) option, whereas assertive behavior requires a cognitive process rather than a gut reaction. It is learnt - we were not born assertive. Depending on our own mood, the situation, the people involved and so on, we frequently respond somewhere along the spectrum of passive - through - aggressive without considering the assertive option which recognizes the needs, feelings and opinions of both you and the other person. Conditioning plays a large part in the way you act and react as an adult. Role expectations come into this too. We may have mentally ingested that it is unladylike to express anger, or that it is a sign of weakness to cry in public, or that men should be aggressively ambitious, enjoy physical contact sports and so on. Subtle conditioning has colored the way we see ourselves and others, but the good news is that conditioning has not fixed your personality for ever. You are constantly developing and changing. Things learnt can be unlearnt, alternative behaviors can be rehearsed and practiced until they become second nature. "You're so caught up in this need for being liked that you sacrifice your own self- respect. You could at least learn to handle put-downs in a way that makes you respect yourself. I have learned to say no to unreasonable requests. You Can Learn to be Normal - Not Neurotic The world contains many people who don't recognize their own strengths or who have learned to act in inferior ways because they believe themselves to be inferior. They find it impossible to express emotions like anger or tenderness; sometimes they don't even feel them.
In psychological terms, we say these people have Inhibitory Personalities. They have a thousand reasons for not acting, ten thousand reasons to fend off closeness. Low on self-sufficiency, they live their lives by the rules and whims of others. They do not know who they are, what they feel, what they want. In contrast, people with Excitatory Personalities do not fear their feelings. Frightened neither of closeness nor combat, they act out of strength. The excitatory man knows who he is, what he wants. He is assertive. You can find the answers to your problems in a new scientific technique known as Assertiveness Training, through which by changing your actions, you change your attitudes and feelings about yourself. Assertiveness Training (which from now on we will call AT) takes as a premise: you have learned unsatisfactory forms of behavior, which have made you an unhappy, inhibited person, fearful of rejections, close relations and standing up to others. Just as you have trained yourself to be neurotic you can teach yourself to be normal.
BEHAVIOR THERAPY AND ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING Psychoanalytically oriented therapists say it is who you are in the unconscious that influences what you do. Your behavior merely reflects your unconscious. BT reversed this traditional stand. While psychoanalysis asks, "Why are you this way?" BT queries, "What can we do to change you now?" BT is not in direct conflict with Freud, Jung, or Horney. It maintains that the past is irrelevant to changing people and holds that people need not be passive and helpless in the face of cosmic unconsciousness.
THE ASSERTIVE PERSONALITY According to Webster's Third International Dictionary, the verb "assert" means "to state or affirm positively, assuredly, plainly, or strongly." In therapeutic terms, this provides only a limited explanation.
He feels free to reveal himself. Through words and actions he makes the statement. "This is me. This is what I feel, think and want." He can communicate with people on all levels - with strangers, friends, family. This communication is always open, direct, honest, and appropriate. He has an active orientation to life. He goes after what he wants. In contrast to the passive person who waits for things to happen, he attempts to make things happen. He acts in a way he himself respects. Aware that he cannot always win, he accepts his limitations. Inappropriate learning may interfere with appropriate assertion. You become conditioned to certain fears. These may be social fears, like the fear or being disliked or rejected. For example, a sixteen-year-old girl, with a temporary case of acne, lacks partners at a high school dance. At seventeen, her complexion clear, she goes off to college, but the pain of the wallflower incident affects her whole life. She remains aloof from any close experience should something like it happen again.
THE THEORETICAL TRAINING
BACKGROUND
OF
ASSERTIVENESS
To understand the theoretical basis of Assertiveness Training, you must comprehend the learning theories of Ivan Pavlov. This new learned reflex is called a conditioned reflex. In his biological formulations, he discovered that the nervous system had two aspects: (1) There is an inherited part of the nervous system. The evolutionary process has caused the nervous system to be structured in such a way that certain stimuli generate certain responses. A person must live in an active relationship with his environment and respond to changes in the outside world with changes in his nervous
(2)
system. As the situation changes, you learn to change. This is what Pavlov meant by a conditioned reflex. Excitation is the brain process, which heightens activity and facilitates the formation of new conditioned responses. Inhibition is a dampening process, which decreases activity and new learning. Dr. Joseph Wolpe, professor of psychiatry and director of the behavior therapy unit at Temple University School of Medicine, defines assertive behavior as "the proper expression of any emotion other than anxiety towards another person" Whatever the theory and individual method of therapy, AT offers two assumptions: 1. What you do serves as the basis for your self-concept. The more you stand up for yourself and act in a manner you respect, the higher will be your self-esteem. 2. Behaviors don't exist in isolation, but interact with each other, forming patterns we call the psychological organization. At different points in our lives, the behaviors have different thrusts:
CASE STUDY - SETH When thirty-seven-year-old, twice-divorced Seth Elwyn, a civil engineer, first came to me, he said, "Help! I'm dating a girl whom I'd like to marry, but I'm afraid I'll fail again." Seth represented the perfect example of the unassertive man. Growing up in a female-dominated household consisting of a strong mother, five sisters and a 'quiet, retiring' father, who played "no role in my life," he had learned a pattern of compliant behavior. As an adult, he rarely asked for anything for himself. In his job, he agreed to whatever unreasonable demands his boss made and there were many. At twenty-two he married "a shrew." Seth recalled: "She picked on me and I just went along with it. After two years she walked out." When he acquired wife number two, she also began to exploit him unmercifully. After working a fifty-hour week at the office, plus overtime at home, Seth vacuumed the floors and did the grocery shopping, even though this wife did not work. She, too, walked out, saying "I've tried to provoke you to get signs of life, but I can't do it. No matter what anyone does to you, you never get angry and fight back." This last taunt was true. Seth had never learned to express anger. As a result, he developed a fear of anger that, as fears do, led to avoidance behavior. His need to avoid anger was so great that he couldn't even allow himself the subjective experience of it. This had the consequence of not allowing him to recognize situations where people exploited or demeaned him. Because he didn't take notice of the situations, he could not assert himself. So people pushed him around and lost respect for him. After seeing Seth for individual sessions of Assertiveness Training, I decided upon group therapy with two treatment goals: (1) to teach him how to express anger; (2) to train him to recognize exploitative and put-down situations and to learn how to stand up for himself in these situations. During the weekly group sessions, Seth role-played the angry man in imagined circumstances as well as in past and present situations from his own life. As he learned the skill, his fear of anger diminished and he no longer needed to inhibit his angry feelings. At every group session, one member would either make an unreasonable request of Seth or put him down. Thus, Seth had the opportunity to learn to handle these situations and as he learned, he carried his new assertive ability over into his life. He stood up to his girl friend, his sisters, his boss.
During treatment, Seth remarried and subsequently proudly reported, "We had a terrible fight and I felt very angry." Some sessions later he said triumphantly, "This marriage is different. I'm a participant." In his last session Seth brought in two specific assertion problems, one involving his wife and the other his boss. The group wanted to work on the former, but in a firm voice Seth announced, "I'm more concerned about the job problem. Let's attack that." So natural and firm was his statement that the group readily complied. When I pointed out how Seth had stood up for himself, there was a moment of silence before the group members broke into applause. In analytic therapy, this kind of detached person usually makes slow progress. Analysis places a lot of emphasis on feeling and if there are no feelings to work with, progress is slow. With Seth, it would have been easy to formulate his problems in terms of deep-down sexual stimulation of growing up in a household of women and perhaps in terms of unconscious conflicts concerning his sexual identity. However, I felt the problem was to remedy the behavioral deficit and to teach him how to feel, not by verbal discussion, but through deliberate training and action. When he did stand up for himself in small situations, he felt himself a stronger person. This made Seth aware that when he didn't stand up for himself, he felt depressed and empty. The feeling change followed the change in behavior. In the course of eight months, Seth's relations with people, his emotional awareness and self-concept changed. Since then, he has gotten raises and a promotion and has become able to supervise others. His third marriage is working. Seth still has some way to go, but he is learning in a life situation rather than a therapeutic one.
CASE A successful securities analyst who traveled a great deal in the course of his work frequently lay awake through the night, thinking obsessively about what would happen if after a morning conference in some strange city, he had to go to lunch with fellow businessmen and make conversation. This worry affected his work performance. Therapy showed he barely knew the meaning of the words 'small talk,' much less the art of telling a story. Through Assertiveness Training, I taught him the art of storytelling. Just as
he studied statistics and reports to prepare for a meeting, he learned to make ready a repertoire of anecdotes for lunchtime sessions. With the stories available for use, he became spontaneous instead of anxious, and rarely had to use them. He stopped feeling depressed and became able to sleep through the night. "My wife says I'm like the man she married twenty years ago," he told me happily. The first level concerns such elementary behaviors as making eye contact, standing straight, speaking in a voice loud enough to be heard by others. Deficits in these areas can have far-reaching consequences. For instance, if you do not look at the other person while you talk to him, you will find you quickly lose contact. Your voice becomes more monotonous, and your communication, rambling and indirect. The other person has trouble following you, gets bored, or annoyed. While patients with this difficulty often have many other assertive problems, the simple act of training yourself to make eye contact can, by itself, bring about major changes. The second level involves the basic skills of assertion: the ability to say no when you want to say no and yes when you want to say yes, to ask favors and make requests, to communicate feelings and thoughts in an open, direct way, handle put-downs, to be in control of such situations as diet and good work habits. The third level pertains to your behavior in more complex interactions with other people; adaptive behavior in job situations, your ability to form and maintain a social network, the achievement of close personal relationships. Changing these specific behaviors can change the way people react to you, the way you feel about yourself and your very life-style. Does getting "at the roots" really change people? The scientific data show that with the psychoanalytic methods some people get better, some remain the same, and some actually get worse, roughly in equal proportion. From an experimental point of view, little evidence exists (or, at best, doubtful evidence) that getting to the inner psychic conflicts changes people. There is accumulating experimental evidence that directly changing behavior does change people and their lives.
If you get rid of one symptom, won't another develop ? Psychoanalysis says yes. However, the careful experimental data gathered by behavior therapists show that if you get rid of a distressing symptom, the odds are you end up a happier, healthier person. This does not mean you won't have any more problems. Eliminating one problem may produce a series of other difficulties because you now have the ability to meet more and different challenges. Take the person who has such a fear of the opposite sex that he can't even ask a girl for a date. Remove this fear to the point where he dates, forms a close relationship with a woman, and marries her. Now he faces a new set of problems he never would have encountered had he remained isolated. I treated one young man whose stutter was so severe he avoided social situations. When forced into them, he backed off into a corner and kept quiet. When I cured his stutter, I learned he had nothing to say, and a course of AT was necessary. Something like this is not a symptom substitution, but a new problem that comes from an expanding life.
Q : Doesn't AT train a person to be manipulative ? A : AT tries to teach you to control yourself, not to let others control you. Q: Can you become too assertive ?
To this frequently asked question the answer is "No" Part of the definition of assertion is that the behavior be appropriate. If it is that, it does not give the impression of being "too assertive" During AT what frequently happens is that the former timid soul goes overboard and becomes inappropriate. However, he soon readjusts his behavior. ASSERTIVE PROBLEM TYPES (1) The timid soul : You allow yourself to be pushed around, cannot speak up, and remain passive in all situations. If someone steps on your foot, you say "I'm sorry." You may be Caspar Milquetoast, but you are not an assertive zero. No matter how great your timidity and irresolution, there is always a point from which you can start to change.
(2) The person with communication difficulties : I reiterate that assertion possesses four behavioral. Characteristics: openness and directness, honesty and appropriateness. You may be deficient in any or all three of these areas, but often you lack assertion in just one: Indirect communication : You tend to be wordy, a characteristic often accompanied by shallowness of feeling, lack of clear-cut desires, and difficulty with close relationships. Instead of asking your husband, "Would you mind picking up two lamb chops for dinner, since you'll be passing right by the supermarket?" you say, "I know you're getting a haircut today. By any chance will you be on |Thirty Eight Street?" You don't make the direct request; your husband doesn't know what you want, and you don't get what you want. Practice in making simple, direct statements, without qualifications or elaboration's, can often change your entire pattern. Dishonest or pseudoassertive communication : You seem to be open and honest, generally appropriate, often extroverted, but this seeming assertiveness hides a basic lack of honesty. You say, "It's so good to see you - I've been thinking about you for days," when you couldn't care less, and the other person knows it. In this classification fall the stereotyped versions of the hail-fellow-well-met salesman and baby-kissing politicians. Others within this category have problems with closeness and a general lack of satisfaction in life ("nothing turns me on") Inappropriate communication : Unknowledgeable about the realities of social relations, you say what you think is the right thing at the wrong time. For example, your husband tells you of his "terrible day at the office," and in response, you offer a list of the things he did wrong. You may be open and honest, but the naïve and immature way in which you speak up usually leads to numerous interpersonal difficulties, creating a distance from people rather than closeness. At work, your inappropriateness produces dissension and disruption. Because you say the wrong thing at the wrong time, you leave yourself open to exploitation ormhurt. This insensitivity to others often leads to self-centered behavior and a disregard for the needs of co-workers, friends, family. (3) The person with behavioral deficits : You can't make eye contact or small talk, handle a Confrontation, start a conversation. These assertive skills can be learned.
(4) The person with specific blocks : You know what you should do, and have the skill to accomplish it, but your fears of rejection, anger, scrutiny, criticism, closeness, tenderness, inhibit you from carrying out the action. You possess incorrect ideas. You don't comprehend the difference between aggression and assertion. You know the what and how of what has to be done, but question your right to do it. You have a wrong concept of social realty. You don't understand that different kinds of relationships exists with different people. You think you're supposed to treat a stranger as a friend. It never occurs to you to treat the stranger as a stranger and the friend as a friend.. For example, a new patient announced, "I don't trust anybody" Exploration showed she trusted some people with money, others with personal secrets, and still others for business advice. Her misconception: she thought because she couldn't trust everybody with everything that she couldn't trust anybody. (5) The person with interfering habits. Because you have learned to do things in the wrong way, you may have trouble doing what you want to do. I call these interfering habits the "peanut butter sandwich syndrome" I tell patients with this syndrome the story of the two workmen eating lunch together. One opened his lunchbox, took out his sandwich, bit into it, and say, "Oh, peanut butter sandwiches again, I hate peanut butter sandwiches. His friend spoke up, "Why don't you tell your wife to stop making them for lunch ?" The first man answered. "Wife! I make my own lunches" If you know what the unwanted behavior Is, it may be within your power to simply change it, or you may know what it is, but never think of changing it. You keep eating peanut butter sandwiches.
Mistaken Traditional Assumptions Your Legitimate Rights _______________________________________________________________________ 1. It is selfish to put your needs before others‟ need. 2. It is shameful to make mistakes. You Should have an appropriate response for every occasion. 3. If you can‟t convince others that your feelings are reasonable, then they must be wrong, or may be you are going crazy. 4. You should respect the views of others, especially if they are in a position of authority. Keep your differences of opinion to yourself. Listen and learn. 5. You should always try to be logical and consistent. 6. You should be flexible and adjust. Others have good reasons for their actions and It‟s not polite to question them. 7. You should never interrupt people. Asking questions reveals your stupidity to others. 8. Things could get even worse, don‟t rock the boat. 9. You shouldn‟t take up others‟ valuable time with your problems. 10. People don‟t want to hear that you feel bad, so keep it to yourself. 11. When someone takes the time to give you advice, you should take it very seriously. They are often right. You have a right to put yourself first sometimes. You have a right to make mistakes.
You have a right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate. You have a right to have your own opinions and convictions.
You have a right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action. You have a right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
You have a right to interrupt in order to ask for clarification. You have a right to negotiate for change You have a right to ask for help or emotional support. You have a right to feel and express pain. You have a right to ignore the advice of others.
Mistaken Traditional Assumptions 11. When someone takes the time to give you advice, you should take it very seriously. They are often right. 12. Knowing that you did something well is its own reward. People don‟t like show-off. Successful people are Secretly disliked and envied. Be Modest when complimented. 13. You should always try to accommodate others. If you don‟t, they won‟t be there when you need them. 14. Don‟t be anti-social. People are going to think you don‟t like them if you say You‟d rather be alone instead of with Them. 15. You should always have a good reason for what you feel and do. 16. When someone is in trouble, you should help them.
Your Legitimate Rights You have a right to ignore the advice of others.
You have a right to receive formal recognition for your work and achievements.
You have a right to say “No”
You have a right to be alone, even if others would prefer your company.
You have a right not to have to justify yourself to others. You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else‟s problem. You have a right not to have to anticipate others‟ needs and wishes.
17. You should be sensitive to the needs and wishes of others, even when they are Unable to tell you what they want. 18. It‟s always a good policy to stay on people‟s good side. 19. It‟s not nice to put people off. If questioned, give an answer.
You have a right not to always worry about the goodwill of others. You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.
THE ASSERTIVENESS QUESTIONNAIRE Label your responses as falling primarily in the aggressive, passive or assertive style. This is a start in objectively analyzing your own behavior and finding out where assertiveness training can most help you. To further refine your assessment of the situations in which you need to be more assertive, complete the following questionnaire. Put a check mark in column A by the items that are applicable to you and then rate those items in column B : as: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Comfortable Mildly uncomfortable Moderately uncomfortable Very uncomfortable Unbearably threatening
(Note that the varying degrees of discomfort can be expressed whether your inappropriate reactions are hostile or passive)
A Click here if the Item applied to you WHEN do you behave non-assertively ?
B Rate from 1 – 5 for discomfort
Asking for help Stating a difference of opinion
__________ __________
________ __ __________ __________ __________
Receiving and expressing negative feelings_________ Receiving and expressing positive feeling __________ Dealing with someone who refuses to
Cooperate
__________
__________ ___________ ___________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ _____________ _____________
Speaking up about something that annoys you__________ Talking when all eyes are on you Protesting a rip-off Saying “no” Responding to undeserved criticism Making requests of authority figures Negotiating for something you want Having to take charge Asking for cooperation Proposing an idea Taking charge Asking questions ___________ ___________ ___________ ___________ ___________ ___________ ___________ ___________ ___________ ___________ ___________
A Click here if the Item applied to you
B Rate from 1 – 5 for discomfort
Dealing with attempts to make you feel Guilty ___________ Asking for service Asking for a date or appointment Asking for favors Other _______________ ____________
_____________ _____________
_____________ ______________ _____________ _____________
WHO are the people with whom you are non assertive ? Parents Fellow workers, classmates Strangers Old friends Spouse or mate Employer Relatives Children Acquaintances Sales people, clerks, hired help _____________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________
More than two or three people in a group __________ Other ____________________
______________
A Click here if the Item applied to you
B Rate from 1 – 5 for discomfort
WHAT do you want that you have been unable to achieve with non assertive styles ? Approval for things you have done well ____________ ______________ To get help with certain tasks _____________ _____________
More attention, or time with your make ______________ _____________ To be listened to and understood Your script for Change _______________ _____________
CASE A discuss Rick Shulman, a recent Ph.D. came to me with a career problem. He used to enjoy teaching his college classes, but recently he found the work burdensome and depressing. Our discussion revealed that the change started while he was working on his doctoral thesis. Because he was so busy, he stopped preparing his lectures and depended on off-the-cuff remarks. After completing his thesis, he continued his newly acquired habit of giving the unprepared lectures. Rick realized these lectures were disorganized and superficial; it was this knowledge that brought about his depression and dissatisfaction. The thought never occurred to him to do something about it. I told Rick the peanut butter sandwich story. He agreed that it was completely within his power to start preparing his classroom lectures again. And it was in the middle of the next semester, he telephoned to tell me "the fun of teaching is back"
CASE - JANE Jane waits her turn in line at a department store stocking sale. The clerk is just about to finish up with the customer in front of her when a third woman comes by and edges in. Clerk asks, "Who's next?" and this woman says, "I am".
CASE- JOHN A year ago John borrowed two hundred dollars from Ken. At the time, John had debts, a sick mother and no job. Now his mother has regained her health and John earns a good salary at a government job. Ken wants his money back for a skiing trip, but has done nothing about it. Each day he resents the situation more.
RESPONSE TO JANE : Jane in the stocking line. Unassertive : Jane says nothing, waits her turn, and decides she'll never go back to "that store" Aggressive : Jane berates both the pushy woman and the clerk. Assertive : Jane says simply, "Sorry, I was next," and tells the clerk she wants black bikini, Size small. RESPONSE TO JOHN Ken, who lent two hundred dollars to John. Unassertive : Every time Ken sees John, he talks vaguely about things that cost money. He hopes John will take the hint. Aggressive : He berates John with cracks like "How do you dare wear a new suit when you've owed me two hundred dollars for a year ?" Assertive : Ken says "I'd like you to repay the money you owe me, "and they discuss how the money might be paid. Ken suggests, "If you can't do it in one lump, why not give me ten dollars a week.
Exercise Tick the response which best represents how you would react to each situation, not what you consider to be the correct response; then check with the comments below. 1. You work for an organization which has a strong equal opportunities policy. One of your staff has already been warned about racist remarks. You overhear him telling a racist joke to a colleague. (a) I've explained why jokes such as these are offensive. It's also company policy not to use sexist or racist language in the workplace. Do you have a problem with this which you would like to discuss ? (b) I know you think that racist jokes are just a bit of fun. If it were down to me …. But it's the rules you know and if the boss heard, it would be my neck on the line. (c)| You've been told about expressing racist views before. This is your final warning. Disobey company rules again and you're looking at dismissal. 2. You have had complaints about the offhand manner of one of your staff. You call her into your office to talk about the problem. Before you can open the discussion, tearfully she says, 'I know what this is about, and yes, I have been short tempered - even rude - to some customers recently, but I am so worried about my husband; he's having test for blood disorder. (a) That's all very well, but our business is suffering because of your attitude. You'll have to learn to leave your problems at home and give 100 percent to the company while you're here. (b) I'm so sorry; I'd no idea he was ill. Is there any way we can help you – would a chat with the welfare section help ? (c) I thought there must be some explanation. I'm sorry that you have problems at home. However, we expect a certain standard from our staff, and complaints have been made which must be followed up.
3. One of your staff has made a minor error, unnoticed by you, but picked up by your boss who storms into the office and says to you, 'these are the wrong widgets. You're so careless - call yourself a supervisor ? (a) You're right, I'm really sorry… I should have checked it won't happen again. I'll get it sorted out right away. (b) Who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning then ? I'll ignore your remarks - you are obviously not yourself today. (c) I'm sorry that we made a mistake with this order. However, you're wrong to say that I'm careless, and I resent your remarks about my supervisory skills. My standards and those of my team are high. Mistakes sometimes happen.
COMMENTS– TO DISCUSS
1. Option (a) is assertive, but this member of staff knows the rules and has already been given a warning. An approach further along the aggressive scale would be more effective. Option (b) is not only passive, but shows poor management style, colluding with the 'offenders' rather than defending company policy. Option (c), although blunt to the point of being aggressive, has about the right amount of muscle to be effective, leaving the offender in no doubt as to where he stands.
2. Option (a) is not only aggressive, but insensitive and inappropriate in the circumstances. Option (b), although passive, would be the most appropriate and effective way of dealing with this situation at present. Option (c) is assertive, but is assertiveness really an appropriate behavior choice in this situation? a response further along the passive scale is called for.
THE ASSERTION LABORATORY
(A) Goal Program Through ignorance or fear, many people do not create any action plans for their own lives. As the late Abraham H. Maslow, Chairman of the department of psychology at Brandeis University, wrote, "Let us think of life as a process of choices, one after another. At each point, there is a progression choice and a regression choice. There may be a movement toward defense, toward safety, toward being afraid; but over on the other side, there is the growth choice. To make the growth choice, instead of the
fear choice, a dozen times a day, is to move a dozen times a day toward selfactualisation" When you don't plan a direction in life, you make a choice that of no choice. This has dull, and sometimes sad, consequences. To be assertive you must develop goals. Goals direct. Without them, you lack a sense of purpose in life. Goals motivate. When test animals run through a maze, the closer they get to a goal, the faster they hasten toward it. When you take a trip, you become more impatient as you near your destination. If you set a goal, as you approach it, you gain greater motivation to succeed. Goals reinforce self-esteem. Achievement of goals strengthens your desire to achieve other goals. As result, you attain a feeling of movement through life and a higher sense of self-worth. How to set goals (1) Set your long-term goals. Ask yourself, "What kind of life do I want to lead? What would you like your life to be like ten year from now ? Consider family and social life, professional aims, avocational interests. Don't; ignore your fantasies. Often they can put you in touch with what you really want.
(2) Set up a series of sub-goals. If you select a very distant goal without sub-goals, you fail to see progress and become discouraged. With them, not only do you see progress but the achievement of each sub-goal provides a sense of accomplishment. (3) Conjure up an idealized self-image of yourself. Ask yourself, "What kind of person would I like to be ? According to Dr. Dorothy J. Susskind, associate professor of educational psychology at Hunter College of the City University of New York, "Goals are the creation of a more positive identity and an enhanced self-esteem." Close your eyes and imagine your idealized self "with all the traits and qualities you would like to possess.
Sit down and write out a description of the kind of person you want to be. Be concrete. Include the way you'd like to dress, things you would like to talk about, whether you'd prefer to be an introvert or extrovert. (4) Know your limitations. Make your goal realization of your essential abilities. Do not set goals that are impossible for you to achieve. Many people do this and wind up doing nothing., knowing aims are out of range. Kurt Goldstein, the late noted neuropsychiatrist, theorized that it is only by recognizing your real limits that you can fulfill yourself. He wrote, "A person ……. Is healthy when there is a state of adequacy between the demands and capacities of the individual."
Behavior Assignments Impersonal Situations In the course of a week go into two stores and ask for change of twenty rupees Don't buy anything. The second week ask for change of ten rupees, and the third week for change of five rupees . Visit only stores where you are not known. Remember you do not have to get the change. Just ask. If the proprietor gives it to you, thank him. If he doesn't say a polite, "Thanks, anyway" (1) Vary the "demand" technique. Go to a newsstand where you are not known, take out a five hundred rupee note, and ask for a ten rupee newspaper. Do this twice the first week. The second week try it with tousand rupee note. Make your request matter of fact. Do not apologize. The point; to do the exercise. Remember, you are not forcing the newsstand vendor or storekeeper to do anything, and he or she has the right to say no. I have asked many more proprietors if they resent people coming into ask for change and in 90 percent of the cases the answer was, "If they come in, they might buy something" (2) Go into a luncheonette where you are not known. Do not pick a time when the countermen are frantic with work. Ask, "May I have a glass of water, please?" If you get it, drink down the water and express your thanks. If you don't get it, say "Thanks, anyway," and leave. (3) Go into three stores. In each, try on an article of clothing - jacket, coat, or dress - but buy nothing. This gives you the freedom to say No. If you see something you really want to purchase, go back later. (5) Stop three people on the street and ask for directions. (6) In a store, ask for a specific item that is not on display. (6) Buy something at a store with the deliberate intention of returning it with no apology or explanation. Just say "I would like to return this" to the sales person. The intent of this task is to be able to return things, not to practice being a apologetic. In carrying out these assignments :
Set a deadline. Share the assignment with a spouse or friend so you know you will have to report to someone. If you don't do an assignment for two consecutive weeks, make the assumption that it was too anxiety-provoking and substitute another. Go back and repeat the assignment again and again. This gives you the feeling of being in control. In the performance of these behavior assignments, people almost always react in the same way. Before starting the task, they feel increased anxiety. In actually doing the task, they experience little tenseness. If they don't get the change or the glass of water, they usually feel the worst has happened, but "I can do it again" When they successfully complete the assignment, they feel good with themselves and that they have made a start on the assertive road. Behavior Assignments : Social Interaction (1) Practice the expression of feeling. Look for opportunities to pay a compliment to a waitress, store clerk, co-worker. Count the number of times you accomplish this in one week and double the amount in the next week. (2) If you live in an apartment building, try saying "Good Morning" and “Good Evening" to fellow residents. (3) Say "Good Morning" to people at work. Don't expect a response. Any response you get is pure plus. (4) Tell your spouse or close friend something personal about yourself that you have never told anyone before.
CASE TO DISCUSS Jay Wilkins, a young business executive, originally came to me because he feared speaking in public. But probing showed he had a far deeper difficulty; he lacked emotional closeness. On the surface, he seemed to have good relationships with co-workers, but they rarely developed into close friendships. He had been living with a girl friend for two years, but when I asked how he truly felt about her, he answered, "I'm not sure I really like her" Jay lacked an involvement in his own feelings. He expressed what he felt, but not strongly enough. Through coaching, modeling, and roleplaying in our sessions, I was able to get Jay to increase the intensity and aliveness of his expression. Instead of merely telling his secretary, "Nice job," he said, "You did a really fine piece of work here. I'm truly grateful" and suddenly a new warmth sprang up between them. In discussing a new project with his boss, Jay deliberately accentuated his enthusiasm with gestures and facial expressions. And his superior responded with "You are excited about this - that makes me feel good" This deliberate stress on his own feelings with his secretary and boss made Jay's own feelings about his girl friend much clearer to him. He realized he had been exploiting her and that he didn't like himself for doing it. Jay had the first frank talk he had ever had with her, and admitted, "Look, I'm starting to come alive now, and I see there just isn't that chemistry between us. I like you, but without love. I'm taking advantage of you." Her answer "I love you but I felt something missing. I'm glad you brought it out in the open" They split. Three months after the discontinuance of treatment, Jay fell in love for the first time in his life. Sadly, there are many people for whom such an approach is too difficult and advanced. Uncertain of what they feel, they may not even understand the basic concepts of feelings and expressions of it. In AT, we approach such emotionally handicapped individuals by stressing the content of their communication. By concentrating the content, you become more aware that you are trying to express, and so you train yourself to be more sensitive in that area; Ensure to some extent that the other person knows what feeling you are trying to express.
As you become more able to say directly what you feel, you often spontaneously develop the other aspects of feeling talk (voice, posture, facial and body expressions) For a first step in this educational process, I often find it necessary to teach what feeling talk is not. Many people believe they express themselves when, in reality, they do no such thing. They may also have an incorrect concept of what feeling expression really is. You concentrate on saying what you think. On many occasions, it is important to say what you think, but don't confuse this with spontaneously saying what you feel. Thinking can often get in the way of feeling expression. As soon as you use the phrase "I think" you are not involved with feeling. Your talk largely concerns facts. Statements about facts reveal nothing of you - neither what you think or feel. Even if the fact happens to be about you, you are talking of yourself as a thing, not a person. You say what you think you should feel, or what you believe the other person expects you to feel. Again, your own identity is submerged in this process. You become a mirror of the world around you or what you believe the world is like. You think you express true inner feelings when you explode with rage or hostility. Such lack of control usually stems from the lace of true feeling expression. However, some people incorrectly believe that feeling talk must be extreme. As nobody really wants to act in this way, this false conception frightens them away from any emotional communication. You substitute rationalizations for feelings. Because you don't know how to express yourself, you tell yourself, "I'll hurt him" or "He wont' like me if I say what I feel" or simply, "It isn't important" These aren't feelings. They're excuses. Recognize them as such. True feeling talk is the continuous appropriate communication of your constantly changing state of emotional being. When you use content to improve your feeling talk, what you say should have certain characteristics :
It is specific, either directed toward a specific person or a specific object or act : "I like your pin"…… "I want to go to the film at the Rivoli" ………. "I despise Congressman - and all he represents" ….. "I admire the way you spoke up to Mrs. Jones" It stresses the deliberate use of the word "I" followed by a verb of feeling "I like this" ….. "I feel terrible about what I did to you unintentionally"……. "I'd love a blind date with him - he sounds so nice" …. "I want to do that" ……… Darling, I love you"
It is simple. Too many people being to qualify statements by adding adjectives, offering so much gratuitous explanation that in the end, the other person doesn't know what they feel - nor do they. For instance, the sentence "I like the way you spoke up at the meeting" is commendatory, clear, concise. Many people are not that clear. They say something like : "When you spoke up at the meeting, I noticed a lot of people were listening intently. Some looked as if they agreed with you. But Joe Blow had a funny look on his face. However, all in all, I think you made your point." With this kind of statement, neither sender nor receiver knows the person liked the way the other spoke up at the meeting. People who use a lot of qualifying words not only fail to communicate feeling but become boring. It is honest. When you express your emotion dishonestly, you continue to train yourself to hide, to make your emotional mask stronger, to do as T. S. Eliot's J. Alfred Prufrock did when he felt the need to "prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." It is appropriate. Many people with difficulties in this area equate expression of emotion with loss of control. They can conceive only of the most extreme expression of emotions. In AT, we concern ourselves with the appropriate expression of emotion by which we mean not just the feeling you want to express, but how you want you express it. A simple criterion : If you saw somebody else expressing the feeling in a similar situation in the way you plan to or did, would you think it peculiar or bizarre ? Feeling talk can be used to express almost any emotion; dislike, liking, love, hat, approval, criticism, complaint, respect. Obviously, in AT the aim is to use feeling talk exercise until it becomes a natural part of you. Some people
find this too general a prescription. For these patients, I have a special exercise.
LABORATORY EXERCISE IN FEELLING TALK Purpose : to increase deliberately expression of feeling by use of feeling-talk phrases. Step one : Plan to use the following three pairs of phrases as often as you can : "I like what you said" …….. "I don't like what you said" "I like what you did" …….. "I don't like what you did" "I want you to " ……… "I don't want you to "
CASE Chris Perkins, a thirty-three-year-old accountant, had no difficulty telling his wife everything he didn't like about her. But when he said something as simple as "I like your new dress" his anxiety level zoomed up 30 percent. Somehow , Chris had acquired the peculiar idea that the angry part of him was the only "real part" and when he expressed tender feelings, he was "being a phony" Chris had never learned to express tender feelings. When he began to practice feeling talk, these feelings quickly became part of him. He had also thought of himself as an "angry man" Now he saw he could be tender, too, and this affected his entire psychological organization. He suddenly found he liked to say "I like….." Once you begin to express your feelings with any consistency, expand into the other aspects of feeling talk. Get your feeling messages across with face and body talk, Frequently, people lack facial expression and keep their bodies immobile, or they give vent to inappropriate facial or body expression. For example, the man who breathes "I love you darling" and keeps his body rigid does not communicate feeling to the utmost.
Watch for : Tone of voice : A firm, confident, appropriately loud tone marks assertive behavior. Eye contact : Look straight at the person to whom you are speaking. Body expression : Copy the French, who use a lot of gestures as they talk. Facial expression : Suit your expression to what you feel and say. Don't smile if you are criticizing someone or expressing anger. Conversely, don't look hostile or moody if you express praise or love. Show your inner emotion and put that mask away.
ACHIEVING A SOCIAL NETWORK "I'm lonely" …. "I have no friends" ……. "I don't know how to meet new people"……. "I meet new people, but I can't ever get close to them. Every day unhappy and depressed patients make statements like these to me. Often they credit their non existent social life to some event, buried deep in their unconscious, that occurred during pre school years. Perhaps it did. However, for these patients, suffering from a cut off feeling of participation in life. I see the solution not as a remembrance of things past but in giving them the help necessary to achieve a social network in the present. Complete isolation satisfies only the rare individual. Every one needs varying kinds of relationships with other people. However, the exact kind of social network best for any one person depends very much on his own requirements and goals. What is best for you may prove wrong for someone else.
THE SATISFACTORY SOCIAL NETWORK Whatever the different specifics, all satisfactory networks trend to possess certain common characteristics. Yours social network serves as a security base. You feel you belong. The members know you and accept you. You realize what you can and cannot except from one another. You know who will come when you are sick, who will send flowers, who will telephone, and who will disappear until you are healthy, again. Your social network includes varying kinds of relationship, ranging from the superficial to the intensely close. There is the friend with whom you like to fish but with whom you would never talk shop - and vice versa. There is the friend whom you like to see twice a year and the friend with whom you share your problems and feelings twice-weekly. Hopefully your network includes two to three people with whom you can and want to share what is most personal and close to you. Your social network suits your own specific needs. If you are by temperament an extrovert, you may require a constantly active network, composed of many people. You would be bored with the few friends and quiet evenings that satisfy the introvert. Be careful not to stereotype though. The greatest extrovert still needs peaceful moments with close friends. The most confirmed introvert may love attending an occasional gala party. Your network constantly changes, because in the course of living you change; other people change; relationship themselves change. The business acquaintance may turn into a close friend or become a pompous bore to be avoided. You may lose your interest in fishing or bowling and become a bridge buff. You may become richer or poorer, switch professions, marry, become divorced or widowed, have children, move to a different town, or experience other changes so common in life. Each of these may bring about different needs and opportunities, and you must readjust your social network.
You have a whole series of social fears, you fear ; People will think you are stupid, so you avoid talking. Looking foolish. You don't say anything that is different or individual, so your conversation becomes stuffy and conventional. Often you bore yourself. rejection. You tend to stick to people you know and with whom you feel relatively safe. Then you complain you are in a rut.
EXERCISE IN COVERT REINFORCEMENT Purpose : To reduce social anxiety Step 1 - Take the specific behavior you are afraid to perform. It may be asking a girl to dance, starting a conversation with a stranger, saying no to an unreasonable request. Concentrate on the act, not the fear. Step 2 - Break down the act into small parts. For example, you want to ask a girl for a date. (a) At home, calmly think "I will call Jill now" (b) In a relaxed way, walk toward the phone and sit down. (c) Reach for the phone in a calm, relaxed way. (d) Dial the number in a calm, relaxed way. (e) Calmly listen to the number ring. (f) Hear Jill answer "Hello" and notice that you are still calm and relaxed. (g) Say hello and ask for the date. Again, you are calm and relaxed. It is best to write down the parts of the act. Step 3 - Select a reinforcer. You can use anything that evokes a feeling of pleasure. It does not have to be connected with the act you are trying to reinforce. It can be the image of swimming in Lake Como, eating strawberry ice cream, hearing people praise you, winning the Nobel Prize. One patient used a favorite piece of music, the Brahms Double Concerto. Another enlisted the feeling of skiing. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. As long as your reinforce gives you a good feeling, it will work. Step 4 - Read the first item on your list and imagine it. When your image is clear, say to yourself, "Reinforce" and immediately switch to your reinforcing image. Do this ten times and go on to the next item. Do this exercise everyday until you can perform the behavior in actual life with minimal anxiety. If you do this ten times a day, seven days a week, this will give you seventy conditioning trials a week, three hundred a month. It may take hundreds of these trials before the conditioning works. Don't expect magic and get discouraged.
Step 5 - When you have the opportunity, perform the act step by step, just as you did in your imagination. In the life situation, you can even use your reinforcing image (i.e. you're at a dance and see a girl. You walk toward her in a relaxed way, just as you did in your imagination. As you do this you say to yourself, "Reinforce" and think of your reinforcing image)
Appropriate behavior choice Before moving onto look at various aspects of assertiveness training, it should be stressed that passive and aggressive behaviors are not necessarily bad. They can both be appropriate at times - righteous indignation at social injustices, for example. The assertive option might not always be the best behavior choice. To test how effective your present behavior is, try the following :-
Prepare to assert yourself In the same way that it is impossible to become assertive just by reading a book on the subject - you have to practice assertion skills - it is also impossible to appear assertive with the tensed muscles and pounding heart associated with stress. Your body language will give you away. Whatever words you choose to say, however 'assertive' they might be, if delivered with the wrong tone of choice, too much or too little volume, or accompanied by inappropriate facial expression and posture, your assertiveness will be ineffective. You will be perceived as apprehensive, emotional, hostile or aggressive by the other person. Tension control Here we will look at what I consider to be an essential precursor to assertiveness training; tension control. However good you become at mastering the theory of assertiveness, if anxiety produces observable signs of your apprehension, this will convey itself to the other person - even at a subconscious level - and communication will suffer as a result. There are a number of coping strategies. For example, you could have a stiff drink before an important encounter, go into a meditative trance, or practice deep-breathing exercises. However, unless you carry a hip flask, a stiff drink is seldom available just when you need one (and it's bad for your health) Transcendental meditation can be difficult to achieve in a crowded department store, and deep breathing is impossible with stomach muscles in a knot. For these reasons, I suggest you try these alternative methods. The beauty of them is that they can be practiced at any time, anywhere, at short
notice. They are an unobtrusive and effective way to control nervousness and reduce negative feelings such as anger and stress. Exercise do complete PMR Clench everything you can as tightly as you can : toes and feet, buttocks, leg and arm muscles, fists and, if no one is looking, screw up your face as well. Hold for a second or two, then quickly release all the tension from the muscles. Go as limp as you can or your environment will allow! Repeat it if you can. You should now be able to take one or two deep breaths and be ready to take on the world. Inner calm Be kind to yourself and allow a few minutes each day to relax your body by whatever method you are comfortable with. Listen to calming music; meditate; soak in a hot bath - or do all three simultaneously ! When your body is at ease, imagine yourself in a place of beauty and calm, where you feel peace with the world.
Positive thinking Assertiveness training has been around for a good many years now and has had a checkered press, some seeing it as training in how to get your own way - which it isn't how to become as aggressive as the next person - which it isn't or training for the wimps of this world on how to say 'boo' to geese ! Assertiveness training can be of immense benefit as a means of selfdevelopment. People with good assertiveness skills will also have enhanced self-awareness, greater confidence and self-esteem, and honest, powerful and effective communication skills. They will have respect for themselves and for others. |Central to all this is positive thinking. Assertive people have a positive selfimage; they will use positive language; they will look for positive outcomes to interactions; they will work with the other person to provide positive solutions to problems by which both sides 'win'.
Exercise 1. Take a sheet of paper (you may need a large one) and list all the things you don't like about yourself. You can include negative qualities identified by others if you wish - how others see you. Allow yourself at least ten minutes. Be brutally honest – only you have to see the list. Now consider each item carefully, and underline any negative quality about which you feel you can do absolutely nothing. For example, you may hate being short, but that's how nature made you, so there's no use fretting over it or bemoaning the fact - it's something you have to live with. You may have problems in your life over which you have had little control, such as bereavement or illness. These are things you have to accept - and like yourself in spite of them. We will return to how you can begin to do that a moment.
2 .Next, put a tick against any negative quality you are prepared to accept about yourself. For example, friends may 'accuse' you of over-reacting to some situations, but you may feel that being highly sensitive to some issues actually motivates you to do something about them. Consider where this is a positive force for you, and stick with it. However, where it is not productive, but a source of anxiety which stifles action or development, you will need to find ways of doing something about this tendency to over-react.
3 Which brings us to the third part of the exercise. Circle all the faults, failings and negative behavior traits which you would like to change. You know you have a 'short fuse' for example, and can explode with anger, hurting yourself and others in the process, or you find it difficult to give or take criticism.
Positive self-image Have you ever been the only one at a party wearing jeans ? Or have you realized, too late, that there is a coffee stain down the front of your blouse / shirt while attending an important meeting ? Things like this knock your confidence because you are aware that you are not presenting the best image to other people. Undermined confidence equals a lowering of self-esteem which can in turn produce non-assertive behavior. The image you present to others, whether by your physical appearance, the clothes or hairstyles you choose or the body language you use, has a lot to do with whether or not they perceive you as an assertive. You can choose all the right words and deliver them with the correct emphasis and column, but if your body language doesn't match your verbal communication, the message you are sending will be garbled. The receiver will take more notice of what is seen than what is heard - a hard truth, but a statistically proven fact. Comments Things like clenched fists, arms folded tightly across the chest, or standing with hands on hips and a jutting stance are as much a give-away to your angry feelings as are the clenched jaw, frown and fixed gaze which accompany aggressive feelings and behavior. Anxiety or embarrassment can produce nervous mannerisms, a downcast gaze with a reluctance to look the other person in the eye, and so on. However, assertive body language reflects a person at ease with him/herself: an open stance, relaxed posture, arms held loosely at sides or resting in lap. There should be no apparent tension in the face muscles, and you should maintain regular eye contact with the other person, neither staring nor averting your gaze.
Positive language Clear, concise, constructive vocabulary is an all important aspect of assertiveness. So is the ability to phrase things in a positive rather than negative way; it will help your cause and make the other person feel less threatened and more responsive. For instance, there is a subtle difference between saying to a child 'Don't play with that in here' and 'would you play with that outside, please' or 'why can't you clear up after you ?
and 'would you put the cat food away once you've fed him, please. Positive phrasing helps to keep conversation on an adult/adult basis and minimizes the risk of it escalating into an argument. Positive thinking also requires positive language to translate 'if only' into positive action.
Exercise It is important that you hear yourself say them. You are beginning to retrain your brain to think positively. If you speak your affirmations on to an audio tape, make this your bedtime listening, or when you awake in the morning, switch off your alarm clock and tune into your personal pep talk. Have faith. It will work.
Now and then We have established that assertiveness is a choice of behavior and that there are occasions when it is appropriate not to assert yourself. We have examined basic rights, and from this you will have deduced areas for selfdevelopment. In order to devise your own personal program for selfimprovement, you also need to consider areas of your life where, at present, you find it difficult to assert yourself. For example, it may be that you always react badly to criticism - getting defensive or aggressive or counter-attacking. It could be that you always feel upset or hurt by criticism and spend endless hours fretting over comments made by others. Or, more likely, it will depend on the particular situation, the person who is criticizing you and your relationship with them, your current mood, state of health, and so on. The following exercise asks you to consider how assertive you feel you are - right now - in certain situations. From this you should be able to devise your own training program - areas where you need. To gain self-confidence and improve your assertiveness skills.
Exercise How assertive are you in the following situations ? Do you : A - avoid or repress ? B - find being assertive difficult most of the time ? C - find it difficult on occasion ? D - find it easy to be assertive ? It is unlikely that you will have had exact experience of the scenarios listed, but no doubt you will be able to recall similar situations in your own life. How do you respond when : At work You have to give an honest appraisal which involves negative feed back ; You have to discipline a subordinate for lateness ; There is a personality clash between you and a colleague; she or he always manages to make you extremely angry ; Your boss criticizes you (a) justly (b) unjustly ; You have to talk to a subordinate about a sensitive issue, such as making sexual or racial innuendoes ; One of your subordinates has a personal hygiene problem; other members of your team have asked you to say something to her / him. Your boss asks you to do something which you would prefer not to do - such as give a presentation; You are hurt by a rumor that has been circulated about you; You need to talk to your boss about better pay or conditions for (a) yourself (b) your staff
General Your friends are discussing a subject about which you have strong personal views which are contrary to theirs; The person sitting in front of you at the theatre sits forward in his chair, obliterating your view of the stage. You have to return some faulty merchandise to a crowded departmental store. Your car is still stalling a lot though you have returned it twice to the same garage for repair. Professionals hide behind 'technical jargon' when you try to pin them down to a straightforward answer to your questions; After examination, your doctor fails to explain what he considers to be wrong with you - just silently reaches for his prescription pad; You are really angry with someone who you feel has taken advantage of your friendship. A friend has been verbally abused and is too frightened to confront her 'attacker' At home You need to say 'No' to the proposed visit of a relative; Constant sniping by a partner, parent or child is threatening your self worth ; Your sexual needs are not matched by your partner's You are infuriated by a persistent habit in someone you love. Your partner / parent insists on making decisions for you. Your partner / parent is too dependent on you.
Comments Draw up your own list of situations where you would like to be more assertive. Priorities them, One work of warning though. Tackle small issues first (where if things should go wrong, it matters little) until you are practiced and confident with your assertive skills. Don't think that just by reading books on the subject you are equipped to take on the world and his wife! Now see here There is no point in talking, however assertively, if no one is listening and, conversely, no point in listening if we are not truly attentive to the other person, analyzing the content of their communication and assessing how their tone of voice, mannerisms, facial expressions and so on, add meaning to the words they use. Think back to everyone's basic rights discussed earlier. How can you show respect for another person, if you do not give them your full attention actively listen to them - hearing them out rather than impatiently waiting for your turn to talk. Don't you expect the same of others - to be listened to and taken seriously ? Yet, I am sure you'll agree that few people have good listening skills. It's all too easy to switch off and become distracted by our own concerns or thoughts about what we are going to do or say next. One reason for including a chapter on listening here is because of concerns expressed by people attending assertiveness courses, many of which are helped by improved listening skills. For example, non-assertive people who are shy or lacking in confidence often find it difficult to begin conversations with others, especially on social occasions where they feel they have no aptitude for small talk. Many people find it relatively easy to communicate on a professional level, when the content of conversation is technical, technological or business orientated but flounder when they have to step from behind their proverbial desks and chat with superiors, co-workers, clients and customers on a more personal level. On training courses participants previously unknown to each other will soon talk together about work related issues - common
objectives - but some flounder during refreshment breaks where social chitchat is required. Concentrating on the other person - finding out about their experiences, beliefs and attitudes - is the way forward. Active listening can really help you tune into the other person and establish a basis for solid communication. At the other end of the spectrum are the 'short fuse brigade' who find that too often differences of opinion escalate into aggressive outbursts. If this is your tendency, you too will benefit from paying more attention to the other person. Here too, listening is of paramount importance. Then there are the non-assertive individuals whose self confidence plummets when others don't listen to them. Well, admit it, haven't you ever been made to feel inadequate or boring when another cuts you short in order to express their own views, or changes the subject before you've finished speaking ? How do you cope with people who continually interrupt, or whose topichopping makes it virtually impossible for you to maintain a dialogue ? How do you stop your boss when he's in full flow, to explain that you are unsure of something he has said, before he disappears for his next meeting believing that he's been heard and fully understood. ? There are just some of the issues which need to be addressed by improving your own listening skills and helping others to pay you the attention you deserve. First, let's examine the plight of the person with a communication block because of a lack of social assertiveness.
The art of small talk Rule number one : far better to be a good listener than a person who talks a lot but has nothing to say! Second rule : by watching carefully, listening attentively and questioning skillfully, your attention will be drawn away from your self consciousness. The other person will be prompted to do most of the talking. At least until you feel more relaxed, confident and able to participate fully in a dialogue. If the person with whom you wish to start a conversation is unknown to you, you could always begin with a non-threatening statement to 'test the water' something like, 'There are more people here than I expected' The other's response and general attitude will show whether they wish to open communication with you. If you are given the green light, continue by asking questions to establish common ground. Let me give you an example. Anxious party goers : I work with Mike. Are you a friend of his ? Stranger : Yes, we play badminton together. Still anxious party goers : That's interesting; I used to play a lot. Which courts do you use ? Now casual acquaintance : The ones at the Pickstaff Leisure Center at Bratford. More relaxed party-goers : What do you think of the Leisure Center? Acquaintance : I think it's gone downhill since the latest takeover. We used to be able to book courts a week in advance, have a drink afterwards - a good evening out. Relaxed party goers : What's it like now then ? Potential new friend : Well, take what happened last week. We had our game as usual and then…… If only it were as easy as that, I hear you cry ! Well it can be. Generally, people like to talk about themselves and their experiences. Listen attentively and you will realize that they also offer free information on which you can build.
Exercise : Consider the three basic behavior types : aggressive, passive and assertive. Write what would be typical body language posture, movement etc. under the following categories. Aggressive Posture Facial expression Movement Passive Posture Facial expression Movement Assertive Posture Facial expression Movement Gestures Eye contact Tone of voice Gestures Eye contact Tone of voice Gestures Eye contact Tone of voice
Comments Aggressive body language
In many ways we follow other members of the animal kingdom when we act instinctively - as we do with body language. A typical aggressive stance is an erect posture (drawing yourself up to your full height) with hands on hips, elbows pointing out. In this way we are making ourselves look as large and intimidating as possible - rather like cats with fur on end and tails like brushes, or roads that puff themselves up when challenged. Facially, all the muscles become tight. There is a taut look about the mouth and often an ambiguous smile that doesn't reach the eyes, which remain stony. In some, a tell-tale sign will be muscles working along the jaw as teeth are gritted. Eyes may be narrowed and there may be a frown or scowl. Any behavior which puts the other person down is aggressive so, on another level, patronizing 'simpers' can also be seen as aggressive. There may well be a raising of color - aggressive behavior can raise the blood pressure ! Movement will be tense and jerky. There may be signs of impatience such as rubbing thighs or tapping feet. The aggressive person may invade your space, standing uncomfortably close. Typically aggressive behavior is turning or walking away before the other person has had a chance to finish speaking. Regarding gestures, like members of the cat family, we too show our teeth and claws, not perhaps literally, but by jutting our heads forward, pointing or wagging fingers and clenching fists. A dismissive, throw-away gesture of the hand is also aggressive. There may be patronizing touching or patting. There can be short, quick nods of impatience. Eye contract is usually more intense. Looks will be hard and blinking is reduced. An aggressive person will usually try to outstare the other person. The tone of voice is likely to be either louder and harsher than usual, or sometimes threateningly quiet. Some people talk more slowly, deliberately
emphasizing each word. This, of course, is typical of patronizing behavior. With others, volume and speed of delivery escalate with the level of aggressive behavior shown. There can also be implied threat or sarcasm. Passive body language Research has shown that if people are asked which of two people of the same gender, similar age and identical attire - one with an upright stance; the other round-shouldered -is the boss and which the subordinate, most will assume that the upright figure is in charge. This should tell us something about the posture of assertion and success compared with passivity and submission. A slumped appearance is typical of a passive, unassertive person. When seated there is a tendency for the body to curl in on itself. A tight crossing of arms and twining of legs is also characteristic. - another 'animal' defense - protecting the soft underside. Well, hedgehogs do it to good effect!. A person's passivity is often shown facially by a gloomy expression, an over apologetic or pleading look, or the obvious signs of stress, tension and anxiety, like chewing the lower lip. The chin is drooped towards the chest, shoulders hunched. A raising of color or actual blushing may occur. Movement may well be tense and agitated, fidgeting and changing position. Tension may make them clumsy, spilling things, dropping papers. There can be a desire to maintain a physical distance or even to back away from the other person. When seated, they may consciously pull elbows and knees towards the body in a hugging position. Gestures include clenched hands or a clenching and unclenching nervous mannerism. There can be fiddling with hair, clothes, pens and so on. Often the mouth is covered by the hand while speaking and there will be a lot of face touching. Conversely, in a person who has very low self-esteem, there may be very little movement or gesture - the ultimate in passivity. Passive people often find it hard to maintain eye contact. Their gaze will often be lowered. They may blink more often than is customary. Their eyes may dart about nervously. Again, the converse is sometimes true; the eye contact is almost constant as the passive person hangs on the other person's every word. There is also the disconcerting phenomenon of closing the eyes
for long period of time, literally shutting out the other person. Ostrich like ? 'If I can't see him he's less of a threat' perhaps. The tone of voice will usually be quiet - in extreme cases there will be a nervous tremor. Speech may be tentative or hesitant with lots of 'umm' 'uh' or mumbling. There may be an apologetic whining tone. Assertive body language The assertive person has an upright, calm, open posture with hands handing loosely at the sides or in the lap. There will be little crossing of arms and legs, unless in an obviously relaxed manner. Facial muscles too, will be relaxed, showing sincerity, confidence and responsiveness. The assertive person greets the other with a genuine smile again, the analogy with the animal kingdom; all primates 'smile' in greeting. Primates also raise and lower their 'eyebrows' almost imperceptibly as a sign of friendly greeting. Try saying 'Hello' to someone keeping your brows absolutely still. You can only do this if you dislike the person you are greeting. These body language messages are usually only registered on a subconscious level, but are very meaningful in interpersonal relationships. Movement will be steady, regulated and relaxed. An assertive person will tend to lean towards the other person, but will keep the head erect in a responsive rather than a threatening way. They will be comfortable with closer proximity than would a non-assertive person without invading the other's space. Gestures will be appropriate to the conversation with no excessive or intrusive mannerisms. There is usually much showing of palms - indicating that there is nothing to hide, perhaps ? Eye contact will be direct and regular, showing attention and interest. The tone of voice will be appropriate to the situation; evenly pitched and steady but easily heard Try watching a television program with the sound turned off. See whether you can understand what's happening, or assess the relationship between interacting people just by watching expression, movement and gesture. You
will be surprised how much can be deduced. Actions really do speak louder than words. Exercise When you use your voice you are displaying several different qualities. Two have been mentioned above; volume and speed of delivery. Can you think of at least three more qualities you can listen for an match when talking with someone. List them as follows :Comments The more of the following you can match, the greater and more effective will be the rapport created. 1. Volume - is their voice soft and quiet or resonant and loud ? 2. Speed - how fast or slowly do they speak ? 2. Tone - what is conveyed by their tone; do they whine or bluster ? Do they sound confident or fearful ? Does their tone convey anger or apathy ? 3. Rhythm - is their speech punctuated by pauses ? Have they got a staccato way of talking ? Is their intonation ''melodic'' or on a monotone ? 5. Pitch - what is their range; is their voice high or low in pitch ? 4. Special characteristics - have they got a 'throaty' or husky voice? Be 5. careful with this one because if you match this too obviously - or mimic an accent - it is likely to offend the other person and rapport will be broken.
mirroring Have you noticed that people who get on well together tend to adopt the same body posture when communicating ? Watch two people who you know to be friends as they talk with each other. See how they mirror each other's movements as they change position. They often also mirror gestures and mannerisms. This is happening quite unconsciously and naturally. If you want to create rapport with someone, you can use mirroring to good effect.
Remember that everything you do it to help build empathy. Overcook it and you will achieve the opposite of your desired effect. You must have respect for yourself and for the other person and use these techniques to aid constructive and positive communication that will benefit you both - never to manipulate or control. For this reason, mirroring must be subtle and within boundaries with which you are comfortable. Alter your position slightly, slowly and gradually to be more in tune with the other person's posture. You can also consider mirroring facial expressions. We have said that an assertive person will have an open, approachable and pleasant demeanor and this should be the case for much of the time. Of course, there will be occasions when your face needs to express specific emotions; sympathy, annoyance, determination and so on, but when establishing a rapport with someone it is helpful sometimes to go part-way towards mirroring that person's own preferred style. For example, if they have a somber and rather Static face, they may find your mobile expressions distracting, and vice versa. Remember that people like people who are like themselves. Modify your expressions slightly to be more in tune with theirs and communication will become easier. Don't · Use inflammatory phrases like 'I don't think you heard me, 'Let me repeat…' or 'If you 'll. let me finish ………. · Get hung up on what you feel they should have done. · Feel and act superior. · Use blaming or judgmental language: It was wrong for you to …. 'Why on earth did you…. ? It's all your fault' · Criticize without offering a solution · Patronize or conversely revert to child-like behavior. Words and phrases By now you will have realized that assertive behavior is a way of life - a complete philosophy which involves the way you think and feel about yourself an others; the image you portray through non-verbal communication and body language; being able to 'read' others and respond appropriately at different times, with different people in different situations.
Until you think positively, the mirror that thinking with posture, gesture and so on, the best of carefully chosen words will be open to misinterpretation, so having explored those other aspects of assertiveness it's time to look at vocabulary and the construction of assertive statement, questions, requests and directives. Be direct State exactly what you feel or think; don't rely on your actions to tell the story. We often assume - especially when the interaction is with someone to whom we are close - that they will know instinctively what we want, feel or need. For example, don't presume because you are slamming around in an obvious 'mood' that other people will know why you are put out or angry. They may have some idea, but unless you state clearly 'I am annoyed because ….' Or 'I feel let down because ….' You can't be sure that they know why you are annoyed, disappointed or whatever. If they don't know exactly what the problem is, how can they begin to fix it ? Tackle the problem not the person There's a difference between 'Why can't you clear up after yourself and 'Please tidy this workbench' The former implies a character defect; the latter requires a solution to a problem. You can imagine for yourself the impact each statement might have on the recipient.
Deal with specifics, not generalizations Compare 'You're always late' with 'Why were you late again this morning? It's unlikely that someone is always anything! Be specific about the problem, don't accuse, state facts.
Don't over-apologize Honestly, I can't apologize enough - I'm most dreadfully sorry ………. Yes, you can apologize enough. Once is enough if sincerely said and in an assertive manner. However, we tend to apologize for everything and to anything let alone anyone. We bump into a door and apologize to it ! How often do we say things like 'Sorry, but I can't work late tonight' when we are not sorry at all? No, I‟ve another appointment; I can't work late tonight' is far more direct, accurate and secure from further debate. Be selective and sparing with your 'sorrier'
Don't give excessive explanations You may feel that a brief reason for a request or refusal, or a short explanation of a statement softens what could otherwise be a blunt message. This is fine if you don't go over the top with justifications, or become defensive. However, often we do all the wrong things for the right reasons. We assume that we are protecting the other person's feelings when in reality we could be confusing or upsetting them. Example : A friend asks whether you could look after her dog for the weekend. You reply : 'Well, I'd love to help, and if there was anything else… but Pong ! It's not that I don't like him but his fur upsets me. I mean, he's a lovely dog - as dogs go - but I can't get on with them you see. They make me itch and after a while my breathing gets affected. Do you begin to get the picture ? By now the poor dog owner feels responsible for your asthmatic suffering; is wondering how often you have suffered in silence before; is recalling with dismay the occasions she has let Pong jump all over you; is wondering if she is bathing Pong enough… and so on. I've got an allergy to dog hair so no, I can't look after Pong for you should suffice. As with every aspect of effective inter personal communication, the situation and the individual concerned will dictate how much or little needs to be added to your direct assertive statement.
Take ownership of your message Have the confidence to use 'I' statements. Rather than, 'don‟t‟ you think it would be a good idea to research this further ? take ownership of the idea: I think more research should be put into this. The first statement could be seen as condescending or patronizing and, as such, aggressive. It might be met with a curt No, I don't and you can see how that conversation might escalate. The 'I' statement, while giving the other person the opportunity to accept or reject the suggestion, takes responsibility for individual opinion and comes across as more direct and confident. Opinions stated as facts can also be taken as aggressive: 'As I‟m sure you'll agree, the only sensible thing to do is to amalgamate' The first part of the statement, 'As I‟m sure you'll agree, makes an assumption, which, if not the case, requires an 'As you know….' Prefixes to statements. It takes a confident person to say, 'Well, actually, no - I don't know. To return to the example above, ……. The only sensible thing to do is to amalgamate is an opinion but stated as a fact. What does the word 'sensible' imply about the person who dares to disagree with the speaker ? An assertive person would take responsibility for his opinion, 'I think the best option would be to amalgamate.' Implicit in this is respect for your own opinion and respect for others who may hold different views.
Another reason for using 'I' rather than 'you' statements is to assert that you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and needs. For example, if you were to ask 'Do you like this design? On the one hand it gives the other person the opportunity to give an unbiased opinion, but it could also suggest that you are not confident enough in your own judgement to come out and say 'I like this design' or conversely, 'I feel that this design needs reworking'
A direct assertive message means that we speak for ourselves - 'I need …. |I feel hurt when ….. I am not going to ….. I will but only if ….. By using 'I' statements to express feelings and emotions, you give the other person very little ground for debate. They might argue with tangibles, but no one can argue with how you actually feel.
Spontaneity Perhaps the most difficult aspect of assertiveness to master is spontaneity because, as we have discussed, most often our gut reaction is either avoidance and repression, or confrontation and aggression. Many people, unskilled in assertiveness, are accommodating and passive up to a point, and then, when the situation requires more pro-active behavior, begin to function on a more aggressive level. The assertive option seldom enters the equation. This is because assertiveness isn't instinctive behavior, it doesn't come naturally - it's a skill which has to be learnt, then practiced until it becomes as second nature as the other options.
In fact, we should aim for spontaneous assertive reaction in most circumstances. As a Manager, you may feel that either accommodating or aggressive behavior has suited your purposes because it matches your Organization's style of operating. As we have seen, there will be times in the workplace where non-assertive behavior is an appropriate response. However, effective communication and strong interpersonal relationships, are essential to good leadership, and there are areas of work, especially when dealing with problem people or situations, where the assertive option will obtain better results. Assertiveness is a choice of behavior and one which should be added to every manager's repertoire. It will benefit you both inside and outside the workplace. Confident delivery Why is that some people have a seemingly natural ability to command attention and respect when they speak ? What is it that makes others listen and pay attention to their words ? Is isn't necessarily a question of status, or the content of what they say. Such people often don't speak 'Oxford' English
express themselves using perfect grammatical constructions or even have perfect diction. What they do have is resonance. Such people tend to have melodious, rich voices and to use the lower end of their voice range. Observe and listen to others. People who speak quickly and breathy in a high pitched voice do not appear as assertive as those who speak more slowly using deeper voice tones. The lower pitch conveys control and confidence.
Exercise discuss Replace the following non-assertive statements with assertive requests : 1. How can I study with you hovering around ? Give me some space ! 2. 'Would you mind working overtime on Tuesday? 3. If only Andrew would check his work before handing it in it would save us all a lot of time. 4. I'm telling this story. 5. I'm not very happy with the arrangements.
Comments Try something like : 1. 'I need some quiet time, alone, to study' 2. 'Will you please work overtime on Tuesday ?' 3. 'Andrew, will you please check your work for errors before passing it on to me.' 4. 'Let me finish…..' 5. 'I'd prefer to be met at the airport terminal' You have a basic right to ask for what you want but remember, the other person also has the right to refuse. The bonus is that by making an assertive expression of need or feelings, at least you have had the strength of character positively to state your position, and others will know how you feel and where they stand with you. It will serve you well in future communication with them.
Broken record technique Besides refusing your request outright, there are other options which are open to the other person which you need to consider. They could agree immediately (and you've rehearsed all your persuasive follow-up lines and now won't be able to use them! They could prevaricate, argue, become aggressive, or offer excuses why they can't agree to your request. You have several options. You could shelve the issue (the non-assertive response) If the situation demands it, you could use more verbal and nonverbal force as discussed in the last chapter, or you could adopt the 'Broken Record' technique whereby you keep repeating your message until the other person accepts your point of view. This, too, may need more 'muscle' as you progress in the dialogue, but in theory you should be able to maintain assertive, relaxed tone and volume as you persistently keep to your point. The irate When people get angry they get an adrenaline rush. A situation occurs that provokes a 'fight or flight' response and if the person affected trends towards the aggressive, the 'fight' reaction will win. The adrenaline produces energy, and that energy has to expand itself. If your action or words happen to be the cause of the anger, or you just happen to be in the wrong placer at the wrong time, it will be up to you to defuse the situation. Meet aggression with aggression and the situation will escalate and achieve little except raised blood pressure and bad feeling. If your natural reaction is to rise to the bait, you need to recognize this and deal with it. Remind yourself that the anger is not directed at your personality - the heart of your being - however personal it may sound. The anger may be about something you've done or not done, or a stance you have taken, but you as a person are still responsible individual with right. Try to distance yourself from the immediacy of the outburst - step outside the situation and observe and listen objectively. Don't fuel the anger by adding your own 'two penn' orth!
EXERCISE This is similar to the exercise you did before. Only there you were asked to list things you didn't like about yourself and work on those. That was far easier than what you will now be asked to do to list your professional skills, your other talents and your personal qualities. Most people can think of plenty of negative attributes, but are coy about acknowledging their worth. However, it's amazing how gifted and wonderful you are when you stop and think about it. List under at least 10 of your professional skills - things like office procedures you have mastered, technical skills , keyboard skills, foreign languages spoken and so on (Think back to school and college days and also to previous jobs you've had)
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Giving criticism Let's go through the stages of giving negative feedback, step by step. 1. Choose the time and the place carefully. Usually it is best to offer the feedback immediately, so that the other person knows exactly to what you are referring and doesn't have to dredge his memory for the occasion in question. However, if other people are present, make sure you go somewhere quiet and private for the communication. Ensure that you have enough time to talk things through. Don't call him into your office five minutes before his allocated lunch break, for example. His attention will be on his hunger and the injustice of being criticized in his leisure time. 2. Take care about the environment. Are you both standing or sitting ? Are you sending out non-verbal messages appropriate to the situation ? 3. Do you want to 'soften the blow' or does the criticism demand straight talking ? If the former, can you preface your communication with something like 'I appreciate that you've got a lot on your mind at present; however ' Either this, or first remark on something good about other person's work record or attitude, eg. I'm very pleased with the way you relate to the clients. However, I feel that you are having trouble with the paperwork - am I right ? Make sure that positive prefaces to criticism are truthful, not invented 'spoonfuls of sugar to help the medicine go down' 4. Use ‘I’ statements : remember that it is you who wants some sort of change from the other person, not the other way around. „You; (blaming) messages label the other person in a negative way, eg. „You need to brush up on your paperwork,‟ „I‟ (rational) messages show that you take responsibility for requiring a change of behavior, eg. „I would like you to take more care with your paperwork‟ 5. Specify exactly what the person has done which bothers you. Don‟t generalize. Talk about facts not opinions. Comment on behavior, not personality.
6. Don’t’ be afraid to express your own emotions if this helps give the other person an idea of the force of your feeling on the subject. This could range from, I‟m embarrassed at having to talk to you about this‟ to „I‟ was furious when …..‟ 7. Use silences. After delivering your initial critical statement, which of course should be honest, clear and concise, allow the other person to respond. They may well require thinking time. Don‟t be afraid of an ensuing silence or be tempted to fill it by asking another question which will just confuse the issue and dilute the force of your original critical statement. 8. Be persistent, using Broken Record (see page 89) if necessary. Explain what you want in the way of alternative behavior. If appropriate, explain the positive aspects of change and/or the consequences of not agreeing to your request. 9. Try always to end on a positive note. Once you are sure that you have been heard and understood, and any agreements to change have been agreed , say something like I‟m really glad that we both understand each other. Now tell me about that contract with Hustings & Co – I hear it‟s going well.‟
Being interviewed If a panel member asks a discriminatory question which you would prefer not to answer (such as asking a woman what provision she would make should her children become ill – men aren‟t usually asked similar questions) say something like, „I don‟t understand; could you explain the relevance of the question please.‟
Presentations Deliver your presentation with energy. Enthuse. Vary the pace and method of delivery to maintain interest. (Sparingly) sprinkle your talk with analogies and anecdotes; they will bring the presentation alive. If a member of the audience goes on and on without actually putting a question, you could say something like, “Forgive me for interrupting, but because of time constraints I‟m going to have to ask you to tighten up your questions.