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DAVE AND JOHNNY

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DAVE AND JOHNNY Powered By Docstoc
					 Dave and
  Johnny


A Wyoming Operetta




      Rick Shur
         2006
                       CD Tracks

1    I Can‟t Sleep
2    Wyoming Dawn
3    Who Owns the World?
4    Shepherd‟s Lullaby
5    Breakfast Song
6    Don‟t Take No Texans On
7    Rubber
8    Wyoming Grand
9    Here Comes the Champ
10   Your Peter Cottontail
11   Partners
12   Wyoming Waltz
13   He‟s Your Guy
14   I Will Earn Your Hand
15   My Wyoming
16   His Intentions
17   Amanda, Don‟t
18   Make Way for the New
19   Don‟t Shoot Those Angels Down
20   Patience, Creativity and Time
21   Gettin‟ on the Road
22   When This Madness Ends
23   Turning Into Men
24   The Wake Up Call
25   War
26   Christmas Eve Lullaby
27   I Will Earn Your Hand (reprise)
28   Wyoming Dawn Two-Step
                                 Dave and Johnny



Cast of Characters
(in order of appearance)

Saul‟s five sheep
Saul‟s cow
Saul‟s two horses
Saul‟s rooster
Two birds
Saul Strongman, head of the Sherona County Sheep Shearer‟s Association
Mabel Strongman, Saul‟s older daughter, 26
Michelle Strongman, Saul‟s younger daughter, 23
Johnny Strongman, Saul‟s son, 20
Pierre, the cook on Saul‟s Lazy S‟s Ranch
Dave Jessen, a shepherd boy, 19
Dave‟s four sheep (including Lola)
Homesteaders, Wyoming farmers (men, women and children)
Frankie Steiner, 15, son of Phil Steiner, a cattle baron
Beth Shivers, 24, a friend of Dave‟s
Gil Wyeth, Phil Steiner‟s top cowboy
Wanda, Dave‟s fifth sheep, who wanders
Bill Loewe, a tuba player and singer
Tim Tucker, a fiddler and singer
Ricardo, a sheep herder working for Saul
Phil Steiner, head of the Sherona County Cattlemen‟s Consortium, owner of the Triple U
Ranch
Tige, one of Phil‟s cowboys
Harry, one of Phil‟s cowboys
Old Sam, the town sheriff, pastor, postmaster, saloon and general store owner
Kid One, a Boy
Kid Two, a Girl
An Elderly Lady at the Post Office
Sheep Men
Cowboys
Phil‟s four cows
Chief Running Bull
A Mexican Marimba Trio
Phyllis Steiner, Phil‟s wife
Noma Strongman, Saul‟s deceased wife
Two Saloon Gals
Musical Numbers


Act One

Scene 1
Outside SAUL Strongman’s Lazy S’s Ranch, in Sherona, a mythical county somewhere in
the real state of Wyoming. Not yet dawn, Palm Sunday, April, 1909.
I Can’t Sleep                              Saul

Scene 2
Monday at dawn. A Wyoming hillside
Wyoming Dawn                               Dave, Sheep, Homesteaders
Who Owns the World?                        Beth, Dave, Frankie

Scene 3
Monday afternoon. The Grand Salon of the Lazy S’s Ranch.
Shepherds Lullaby                         Dave

Scene 4
Tuesday morning. The Lazy S’s kitchen.
Breakfast Song                             Mabel, Pierre
Don’t Take No Texans On                    Phil, Gil, Tige, Harry

Scene 5
Tuesday afternoon. We are in Johnny’s room.
Rubber                                    Johnny, Dave

Scene 6
Tuesday afternoon. Sam’s Saloon.
Wyoming Grand                              Michelle, Homesteaders


Scene 7
Wednesday at dawn, at the dueling spot, a grassy area, then Sam’s Saloon.
Here Comes the Champ                        Homesteaders

Scene 8
Wednesday night. The Grand Salon of the Lazy S’s.
Your Peter Cottontail                     Mabel, Pierre
Scene 9
Wednesday night. Johnny’s bedroom.
Partners                                    Dave, Johnny

Scene 10
Wednesday night. The Grand Salon.
Wyoming Waltz                               Mexican Marimba Trio

Scene 11
Thursday morning. Johnny’s room, then the grazing pasture by the dusty river, then in
front of the Lazy S’s ranch house
Partners (reprise)                        Mexican Marimba Trio
He’s Your Guy                             Noma, Michelle

Scene 12
Saturday afternoon. The Sherona Chapel
I Will Earn Your Hand                       Dave, Michelle

Scene 13
Saturday afternoon. A forest area between the chapel and the ranch
Your Peter Cottontail (reprise)             Mexican Marimba Trio

Scene 14
Saturday afternoon. In front of the Lazy S’s Ranch
I Will Earn Your Hand (reprise)               Mexican Marimba Trio




Act Two
Scene 1
Saturday afternoon. In front of the Lazy S’s Ranch, then inside the Grand Salon.
Wyoming Waltz (reprise)                       Mexican Marimba Trio

Scene 2
Saturday evening. Inside the Grand Salon.
My Wyoming                                Michelle, Homesteaders
His Intentions                              Saul, Ricardo, Pierre, Mabel, Johnny, Michelle

Scene 3
Saturday night. Inside Michelle’s room.
My Wyoming (reprise)                        Saul
Scene 4
Saturday night. Outside, in front of the house.
He’s Her Guy                                  Noma, Michelle, Saul

Scene 5
Late Saturday night into Easter Sunday morning. Sam’s Saloon
Amanda Don’t                               Dave, Homesteaders
Make Way for the New                       Chief Running Bull, Saul
Don’t Shoot Those Angels Down              Sam, Dave, Saul, Homesteaders

Scene 6
Sunday at noon. The kitchen at the Lazy S’s
Patience, Creativity and Time               Dave, Michelle, Johnny

Scene 7
Sunday afternoon. The grazing area by the Dusty River
Shepherd’s Lullaby (reprise)               Dave

Scene 8
Sunday night. Frankie’s cabin in the woods.
Gettin’ on the Road                         Dave, Frankie

Scene 9
Tuesday at noon, two days later. In front of the Lazy S’s.
Gettin’ on the Road (reprise)                 The Mexican Marimba Trio

Scene 10
Tuesday at sundown. On Dave’s sheep pasturing hillside
When This Madness Ends                   Dave, Johnny

Scene 11
Wednesday morning. The grand salon of the Lazy S’s, and in front of the Triple U Ranch.
Turning Into Men                          Saul, Johnny, Ricardo
The Wake Up Call                          Phil, Gil, Tige, Harry
War                                        Saul, Johnny, Ricardo, Phil, Gil, Tige, Harry

Scene 12
Wednesday afternoon. Sam’s Saloon.
War (reprise)                              The Mexican Marimba Trio

Scene 13
Wednesday evening. The Triple U living room.
Shepherd’s Lullaby (reprise)              Dave, Johnny, Saul
Turning Into Men (reprise)                Mexican Marimba Trio
Act Three (Epilogue)

Scene 1
Christmas Eve, 1918. Outside Dave and Michelle’s home.
Christmas Eve Lullaby                    The Mexican Marimba Trio

Scene 2
The inside of the house, a little later.
Christmas Eve Lullaby                      Dave, Michelle, Beth, Mabel, Pierre

Scene 3
The Dusty River gorge, hours later.
Patience, Creativity and Time (reprise)    Dave, Johnny, Frankie

Scene 4
The inside of Dave and Michelle’s house, dawn, Christmas day.
I Will Earn Your Hand (reprise)            Homesteaders
Wyoming Dawn Two-Step                      Homesteaders
                                   DAVE AND JOHNNY
                                      by Rick Shur

ACT I

Scene 1

Outside SAUL Strongman’s Lazy S’s Ranch, in Sherona, a mythical county somewhere in
the real state of Wyoming. It’s 6 AM, not yet dawn, Palm Sunday, in April, 1909.

Everything is quiet and dark as the curtain rises. There are five SHEEP and one COW
sleeping in a pen stage right, next to the ranch house and two HORSES snoring in a barn,
stage left. Two BIRDS are asleep in a tree, on a branch that hangs over the roof of the
house. The only animal moving is a ROOSTER, who crosses the stage and jumps up to a
perch on a fence post. The rooster spreads its wings, takes a few deep breaths, ready to
crow for the morning wake up call, but before he can let out a sound, we hear SAUL
scream from inside the house. Every animal wakes up and looks glum rather than
shocked. Apparently, this has happened many times before. The rooster is annoyed,
deprived yet again of his professional duty, but he gets off his perch, and, like the rest of
the animals, looks at the door, waiting for SAUL to come running through it, as he
always does, in his long johns, screaming.

SAUL
Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!! I can‟t take no more of this!

[MABEL, SAUL’s older daughter, a plump woman in her late twenties, wearing a
nightgown, comes running out after him.]

MABEL
Pa! What was in your dream? Tell me your dream!

SAUL
It‟s too awful, Mabel! I can‟t even tell you about it.

[MICHELLE, SAUL’s younger daughter, comes running out next, in jeans and flannel
shirt. She is 18 and gorgeous.]

MICHELLE
Poppa! Dreams are just crazy ideas runnin‟ through your head. When you‟re not
controllin‟ your brain, it goes off on a buggy ride by itself. That‟s all. They‟re not
important.

SAUL
They‟re not no goldang buggy ride! My dreams are predictions. Didn‟t I dream that
Teddy Roosevelt was gonna lose to Taft last November?


Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 1                           Page 8 of 204
[JOHNNY comes to the door. He is the middle child, in his early twenties, the only son,
and he does not come running out of the house. He stands in the doorway.]

JOHNNY
Daddy, everybody knew that Roosevelt couldn‟t win as an independent. Believe me.
Dreams are just a bunch of symbols created by the ego disguising early, repressed sexual
urges of the id, so --

SAUL
I told you I don‟t wanna hear that mumbo jumbo from your dratted German psycho
doctor! I don‟t got no goldangitydarned repressed sexual urges! I got nightmares
predictin‟ hell is what I got!

[PIERRE, a very short, thirty-something Frenchman, the ranch cook, comes out the door,
under JOHNNY’s arm, with a teapot.]

PIERRE
Monsieur Saul. I can make for you the chamomile tea, the one that make you rest
comfortable.

SAUL
Pierre, I don‟t want no fruity flavored tea! I‟m an American!

PIERRE
But the last time I make it for you, you say you like it very much, no?

SAUL
[screaming] I said I liked it to make you happy, Pierre! I don‟t want your froggy French
tea!

PIERRE
Well, actually, it come from Egypt.

SAUL
I don‟t wanna drink nothin‟ foreign! I‟m an American! I drink coffee!

PIERRE
Well, actually, funny thing is coffee, also it come from Africa. There was a sheep herder
in Ethiopia, and he watch his sheep get all frisky when they eat the coffee cherry—

SAUL
I don‟t wanna hear about no dang frisky sheep….I just had a nightmare!

MICHELLE
Poppa, tell us. What was it this time?



Dave and Johnny                          Act I/Scene 1                      Page 9 of 204
SAUL

I HAD A NIGHTMARE
BOUT PHIL STEINER'S COWBOYS
SNEAKIN
INTO OUR RANCH
THEY SET FIRE TO OUR
WHOLE CORRAL AND LIVE STOCK

I HEARD THEM YELL
KIDNAP MICHELLE
AND RAPE MY LITTLE MABEL
AND THAT THEY'D KILL
MY ONE BOY. THAT’S YOU SON, JOHNNY
I CAN'T FACE THE FEAR
THAT COMES FROM THIS MAD SANDMAN
LUCIFER OLD SCRATCH COLD CRUEL DEVIL

I CAN'T SLEEP
NOT ONE WINK
I CANNOT REST
MY WEARY MIND
YOU HEAR ME?
I CAN'T FIND
MY LOST LINK
TO THAT SWEET PLACE THEY CALL CLOUD NINE

AND I'VE TRIED MOST EVERYTHING THAT'S
KNOWN TO HELP
HOT TEA BUTTERED RUM
WARM MILK AND DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE
PILED PILLOWS TO THE CEILING
TRIED EVERY KIND OF HEALIN'
TRIED EVERY TRAIL TO NAIL
DREAMLAND

I CAN'T DOZE
I CAN'T NAP
CAN'T CLOSE MY EYES
CAN'T GET NO SLEEP
WHAT IS THIS VICIOUS SLAP?
I HAVE LOST RELIGION
THIS DEAD END'S MY VISION
WHO WILL FREE ME FROM MY
PRISON



Dave and Johnny          Act I/Scene 1     Page 10 of 204
PRY ME OUT OF THE DEEP
PRAY MY SOUL TO KEEP
CAN'T KEEP COUNTIN' SHEEP
I CRAVE BLESSED SLEEP
WHO WILL HELP ME GET SOME SHUTEYE
'FORE I LOSE MY FRIGHTENED FRIGGIN' MIND?

MABEL
Pa, I was thinkin‟.

SAUL
You were what?

MABEL
[terrified] Thinkin‟?

SAUL
What were you thinkin‟?

MABEL
I was just thinkin‟, well, I know it‟s gonna sound a little dumb, and it‟s an idea I got from
this fairy tale I was readin‟, so maybe it‟s—

SAUL
You got an idea from a fairy tale?

MABEL
Well, kinda.

SAUL
Is this gonna be worth my time to hear?

MABEL
Well, in this story, a king couldn‟t sleep at night, so he ordered his men to find him a
court musician, someone who could play nice, soothing, gentle music at night that would
maybe help make the king sleep better.

SAUL
A court musician? Did it work?

MABEL
Oh, yes. In the story, the king sleeps really well and the handsome musician marries the
princess. It all ends happily ever after.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 1                         Page 11 of 204
SAUL
So you want me to hire a musician so‟s you can get hitched?

MABEL
Oh, no, Pa! That‟s just in the story. What I meant was, maybe you could hire a musician
so you could sleep better.

MICHELLE
So we could all sleep better. It‟s not a bad idea, Poppa.

JOHNNY
Yeah, Daddy. Mabel‟s got something. You‟re an important man in Sherona county
runnin‟ your own ranch and headin‟ up the Sherona Sheep Shearer‟s Association. That‟s
a lot of stress on you, especially since Momma died. You deserve a little help getting‟
some rest. And you sure as hell can afford it.

PIERRE
Yes, Monsieur Saul. A little music at the ranch would make the place more gentille. You
could have parties with music. You could impress the neighbors.

SAUL
Well, it wouldn‟t hurt to add some class to the Lazy S‟s Ranch. How would we find this
here musician?

MABEL
Pa, we could put up a notice at Old Sam‟s General Store. We could hold auditions. And
Johnny can typewrite the notice on his Remington that you gave him for Christmas.

SAUL
But what‟ll we pay someone like that?

JOHNNY
I say you pay him a dollar a day like you pay Pierre.

SAUL
A dollar a day?? For music?

MICHELLE
He can help Pierre in the kitchen and Ricardo with the sheep, too. Let‟s audition for a
musician and handyman. Goodness knows, we could always use a handy man.

SAUL
But we ain‟t got no more rooms. Where would we put him? Petey and Ricardo are
squeezed tight enough as it is.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 1                        Page 12 of 204
JOHNNY
He can bunk with me. I don‟t mind.

SAUL
[disdainfully] No. You wouldn‟t mind. My hospitable boy.

MABEL
It might be just the thing to help you get some sleep, Pa. Some nice soothing music.

SAUL
All right! We‟ll hold the auditions at least. If we find someone who can actually play
something that would relax me, I‟ll pay him a dollar a day. I‟d pay anything to get rid of
these nightmares. But I just don‟t know how, in these parts, we‟re gonna find someone
who can play nice, soothin‟ music, professionally. After all, this ain‟t New York City.

MICHELLE
Don‟t worry Poppa. For a dollar a day, you‟ll find someone.

SAUL
From your lips, Michelle. From your lips.



Scene 2

Monday at dawn. After visiting the stressed out frazzled sheep ranch of SAUL, we now
encounter DAVE, a shepherd boy, 18, not yet a man, enjoying a beautiful, restful sleep on
a Wyoming hillside with his flock of sheep. There is a rather high wooden fence upstage.
The sky beyond it changes from night, to dawn, to morning, through all of its glorious
colors. The lamb, LOLA, is awake, watching the sunrise, and she decides to wake DAVE
up so that he can enjoy it, too. She licks him. He awakes, hugs her, and sits up.

DAVE
Ain‟t this a beautiful morning, kids? Look at that sky! Aren‟t we lucky? What a show!
And it‟s all for free! [LOLA, a sheep, nuzzles a guitar, indicating that she wants DAVE to
play it .]

He sings alone at first, but is later joined in by bleating, harmonizing sheep, and chirping
birds. Then another round of the song is sung by THE HOMESTEADERS, whom we see
at different chores at various points across the stage: milking a cow, waking kids up,
making a breakfast, taking goods to market in horse and carriage, and so on.

DAWN
COMES OUT OF NOWHERE SO BRIGHT
BREAKING THE DARKNESS WITH LIGHT
TILL A SLIGHT



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 1                        Page 13 of 204
BIT OF BLUE
MEETS AN ORANGE HUE
SET OFF BY BURNT SIENNA
THEN
THE BRIGHT RED SUN
MAKES ALL THE COLORS RUN
LIKE A REAL OLD SERAPE

STRIPES FILL UP THE PASTEL SKY
PURPLE-ISH CLOUDS FLOAT ON BY
SWALLOWS FLY
THEY SWOOP
OVER WILD FLOW'RS GROWIN'
AND I CAN HEAR PINE WARBLERS SING
WYOMING'S SONG
IT DOESN'T TAKE ME LONG
TO KNOW THAT NOTHIN'S WRONG
WHEN I RISE
FOR
THIS
SHOW
EV'RY MORN A
NEW
DAY
DAWNS!


[DAVE hasn’t noticed that FRANKIE STEINER, an English teenager, atop his horse on
the road on other side of the fence, has been listening to his song. Lola licks DAVE’s face.
DAVE enjoys it. They lick, cuddle, wrestle, have perhaps too much fun for public display.]

FRANKIE
Havin‟ fun?

DAVE
[startled] Hey, Lola, we got company. Hi, Frankie. I thought you were away at school?

FRANKIE
I was, but I was suspended for what they called “unmanly behavior.” So Pater decided I
should spend time in Wyoming, and guess what he bought me?

DAVE
Another horse?

FRANKIE
No.



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 2                        Page 14 of 204
DAVE
The Wright Brothers‟ aero plane?

FRANKIE
I don‟t think that it‟s for sale. But wouldn‟t that be wonderful?.

DAVE
So what then?

FRANKIE
That old cabin on Lonely Man Hill. The one that used to belong to Dickie Shore.

DAVE
You mean the guy who died in the Blizzard of ‟88? Who got snowed in?

FRANKIE
Yes. His parents got tired of keeping it as a monument, so they sold it to Pater. And Pater gave it to
me so I could have a getaway place for “roughing it” in the wilderness.

DAVE
Aren‟t you afraid Dickie‟s ghost may be around haunting the place?

FRANKIE
I don‟t believe in ghosts, Dave.

DAVE
Well, just make sure you hightail it out of there if it ever starts to snow heavy.

FRANKIE
I‟m not afraid of blizzards. Guess what Pater installed in it, just for me. A working
telephone! So I can be in contact with civilization.

DAVE
Oh, that‟s some getaway, Frankie. Really rough. A telephone in the wilderness!

FRANKIE
Dave, you‟re so old-fashioned. This is the twentieth century. We‟re all connected.

DAVE
And I‟m not sure that‟s a blessing.

FRANKIE
Look what I can do! [He hoists himself onto the fence and tightrope walks it.]



Dave and Johnny                             Act I/Scene 2                              Page 15 of 204
DAVE
Hey, I‟m impressed Frankie. You got nerve.

FRANKIE
I‟m tired of Pater‟s cowboys calling me a sissified little dude.

DAVE
What do you care what those beefheads say?

[BETH SHIVERS arrives on her horse-driven carriage and gets down carrying a basket.]

BETH
Dave Jessen, I rode near ten miles thinkin‟ poor little old Dave don‟t got nobody to talk
to, all by hisself on the hillside, but it seems you got yerself some company.

FRANKIE
Hello, Beth..

DAVE
I ain‟t lonely. But I‟m hungrier than a woodpecker with a headache, Miss Beth.

BETH
Well, if you are, I might could have a few things in this here basket.

DAVE
What all might could you have?

BETH
Jest a few things. [She spreads the item out on the grass as she pulls them out of a basket,
which is like the magic Volkswagen in the circus with a thousand clowns coming out.] A
little roast goose, boiled ham, fried chicken steak. A few meat-loaves and links of
sausage. A couple of loaves of rye bread; and a pound each of butter and jelly for your
bread…a small tub of doughnuts; some coffee-cakes, a few fruitcakes, and some little
cakes with seeds, nuts, and fruit in „em….I was in a bakin‟ mood. These cupcakes have a
thick coat of icing, there are some brown, some white, [sexily] some pink.
[Frankie goes back to walk his fence.]

DAVE
Whoa! Woman! Is this for me or the entire state of Wyoming?

BETH
Well, you said you were hungry.

DAVE
Well, I do appreciate your attention.




Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 2                       Page 16 of 204
BETH
Do you?

DAVE
Of course, I do. I appreciate everybody’s attention.

BETH
But do you appreciate my attention especially? [She draws nearer to him, for a quick kiss.]

DAVE
Especially right now. [He stuffs a cupcake in his mouth before BETH can get a kiss.]

[GIL WYETH appears on the hillside behind Frankie, dragging WANDA, a sheep, on a
rope. Wanda’s cheeks are puffed up, and she is scared.]

GIL
Frankie, what are you doing here with this locust tender? [Frankie is startled and loses
his balance and falls off the fence into Gil’s arms.] Hello Miss Beth? How are you?

BETH
I was fine until you showed up.

DAVE
Gil Wyeth. What brings your beefy head to my hillside?

GIL
[He finally lets go of FRANKIE, who falls on his butt to the ground.] Is this your hoofed
locust?

DAVE
Her name is Wanda.

GIL
Well, Wanda‟s been wanderin‟.

DAVE
Where was Wanda wanderin, Wyeth?

GIL
Past the deadline. She was grazin‟ past the Dusty River deadline which was set by
Frankie‟s father and the Sherona County Cattlemen‟s Consortium just this past October.

DAVE
Well, I wasn‟t at the meetin‟ when your slithery boss drawed that line.

GIL



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 2                       Page 17 of 204
Well, you wasn‟t invited.

DAVE
Well, I wouldn‟t a goed even if I was.

GIL
Well, that line was set by Phil Steiner and the rest of the committee.

DAVE
What committee?

FRANKIE
The line-setting committee.

DAVE
Well, I‟m glad your Pa‟s committee is happy settin‟ lines, Frankie, but for one thing, I
don‟t believe that in the state of Wyoming such lines can be set in open, free land, and for
another thing, anyways, I deeply doubt that Wanda woulda wandered past that deadline
because she don‟t particarly like the stink of your cows.

GIL
She don‟t, huh?

DAVE
No, she don‟t huh. Wanda wouldn‟t touch that stinky ole grass on your side of the
deadline any ole way, would you Wanda?

[Wanda, who has been holding in some grass in her puffed cheeks, starts to lose control
of her evidence, and some blades start seeping out. She wags her head vigorously to
assure DAVE that she hasn’t had any forbidden grass.]

GIL
Well, why don‟t we take a look?

BETH
Gil, what in tarnation do you think you‟re lookin‟ for? Even if Wanda has been eatin‟
grass, how are you gonna know if it‟s grass from your side of the deadline?

GIL
I know my grass.

DAVE
Well, that‟s plumb ridicalous.




Dave and Johnny                          Act I/Scene 2                      Page 18 of 204
[Wanda finds the now empty picnic basket that Beth brought and blows the grass into it
and turns around innocently, with mouth now empty, although quite a lot of grass has
flown every which a way around the basket. She goes to Gil to show her empty mouth.]

WANDA
Baa!

GIL
You all better be careful. We catch any of your dirty animals munchin‟ on our side of the
deadline, they‟re gonna wind up lamb chops on Phil‟s table. You got that?

BETH
What makes you so high and mighty, Gil Wyeth? Grazin‟ land is for everybody. You
can‟t take ownership over something that belongs to the community.

GIL
Honey, what you call a community is just a bunch of cockroaches eatin‟ up land that was
meant for cattle years before you insects even showed your ugly heads. We been bringin‟
our cattle over this rangeland since the days of Davy Crockett.

BETH
Well, I hate to inform you of something that may bust your bubble, but before you were
runnin‟ cattle, there were buffalo and Indians, and they didn‟t make no claim to own the
land. They believed the land owned itself.

DAVE
Well, well, Wyeth, you jest met the school marm and books has begun!

BETH

COWBOYS RIDE THE RANGE ARRANGING
LINES THEY THINK ARE FAIR AND SQUARE
BUT WHO KNOWS WHENCE IS THEIR CLAIM TO ALL THEM FENCES?
WHO OWNS THE WORLD?
WHO OWNS THE WE-E-A-THER?
WHO OWNS THE GLOBE
AND THE ATMOSPHERE THAT SPIN TOGETHER?
WHO OWNS THE RIVERS, AND
WHO OWNS THE LAND?
WHO OWNS THE SEAS AND
THE SHELLS AND THE SAND
AND WHO OWNS
ALL THE SUNSHINE THAT IS SENT THEE?
THEN TELL ME WHO'S GOT
RAIN TO RENT ME?




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 2                       Page 19 of 204
DAVE

WHO OWNS THE FORCE
THAT MAKES FRUIT FALL FROM A TREE?

FRANKIE

WHO OWNS THE TIME
THAT SETS US APART FROM NOW AND HIST'RY?

BETH

WHO OWNS THE FIRST SEED
THAT GAVE LIFE ITS BIRTH?
I CANNOT TELL YOU, BUT
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,

DAVE, FRANKIE, BETH

WE KNOW IT'S NO ONE HERE ON EARTH!
WE KNOW IT'S NO ONE HERE ON EARTH!




GIL
You little lily-livered Leninists may think land belongs to everybody, but this here rope
[he tugs on the rope that is still around Wanda’s neck] belongs to me, and if I catch any
wooly weasels crossin‟ the line that you say don‟t really exist, I‟m gonna use my rope to
make them critters not really exist, except as chops on the table of the Triple U Ranch.
[WANDA feels her neck nervously.] I hope that‟s clear as ice cubes in a crisp, cool, crick.

DAVE
Thanks for happenin‟ by, Gil. It sure does get lonely in these here hills.

GIL
Better watch yerself Dave. [He takes his rope off Wanda’s neck.] Else wise your brains
might get lonely for your head. Frankie, you shouldn‟t be messin‟ around with sheep
molesters. Your pa wouldn‟t like it. Let‟s go.

FRANKIE
Ta ta, Dave. Good-bye Beth. [They exit down the hill on Frankie’s horse.]


BETH
Them cowboys think they own the world.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 2                         Page 20 of 204
DAVE
I don‟t pay them no mind. They‟re all bluster.

BETH
That‟s not true. You know they set fire to Will Ember‟s wagon just last fall. And they
been killin‟ sheep in the worst ways. Phil Steiner‟s men poisoned some of Fred
Goodman‟s sheep that crossed the line, and then they rode Bob Pelletiers sheep off of
Lakota Cliff. You‟ve got to be careful Dave.

DAVE
Don‟t you worry about me. I‟m lucky. I‟m not afraid of no cowboys.

BETH
You know you would be a lot safer if you joined up with the Sherona County Sheep
Shearer‟s Association. That Saul Strongman has put together a formidable organization.

DAVE
I don‟t need Saul Strongman. He‟s kinda crazy, and I don‟t want get mixed up in all this
associatin‟. People associate for power. Don‟t cross our line. We‟re king of this hill.
Associations are just gangs. I‟m happy bein‟ by myself and not involved in all this petty
foolishness.

BETH
You won‟t call it foolishness when Phil Steiner‟s men come after you with a rope
because Wanda or Lola scampers off unattended. Dave Jessen, you have got to be more
careful. It‟s a dangerous world we live in. And you‟re not a child anymore.

DAVE
Uh-oh. The Growin‟ Up speech.

BETH
[speaking even more rapidly than usual, then moving in for a kiss] It‟s just that you have
to think about your future. It wouldn‟t hurt you to get to know some of the powerful folk
around here. You ain‟t living in a wilderness anymore. When you were born, Wyoming
became a state. People are trying to make a community. And if you believe that the sheep
herdin‟ people who have set down stakes have a right to make a life here, then you have
to join up with your fellow citizens so that you can face down those cowboys who want
to run roughshod over everyone. It can‟t be done by a lot of free and go lucky individuals.
Even the Revolutionary forefathers knew that. Hang together or hang separately.

DAVE
[preventing the kiss] An apple for the teacher?

BETH
And it just so happens that I know a way for you to get your foot in the door.



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 2                         Page 21 of 204
DAVE
A foot in whose door?

BETH
Look at this advertisement that Saul Strongman posted outside of Old Sam‟s General
Store. He‟s looking for a musician who can play music in the evening and do handiwork
during the day. And he‟ll take in your sheep alongside his. Don‟t you see what a splendid
opportunity this is? Look. He‟s offering protection plus a dollar a day!

DAVE
A dollar a day?

BETH
That‟s money you could put in a bank to start a future with. [She leans into him dreamily.]
You want a future, dontcha?

DAVE
[He takes another cupcake.] I don‟t need Saul‟s money to have a future. I have a future
right here, with Lola, Wanda, and the rest of my family.

BETH
Well if that‟s all the future you want, I don‟t know what all, Dave Jessen!

DAVE
Is that why you rode up here with the entire contents of your kitchen? To organize my
future? What kind of future did you have in mind for me, Miss Beth Shivers?

BETH
I don‟t know why I rode up here. I musta‟ been plumb out of my mind to make this trip.
There are a lot of men in Sherona County who have more on their mind than playin‟
music on a hillside and rollin‟ around with their wooly playmates. I‟m sorry I disturbed
your marvelous mornin‟. And anyway, I have another care package to deliver.

DAVE
You‟re an angel of mercy! Who‟s the next lucky duck?

BETH
There‟s a Mexican boy named Ricardo Sanchez that Saul took on to tend his sheep.

DAVE
What‟s wrong with Johnny?

BETH
Oh, Johnny don‟t care nothin‟ about sheep. Johnny‟s studying science and readin‟ books,
so he can make somethin‟ of hisself. He gets his books by United States Postal Service.



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 2                           Page 22 of 204
Ain‟t that somethin‟? Now you can learn without actually goin‟ to the school! They call it
distance learning. Isn‟t the twentieth century amazing?


DAVE
It sure is, and all that studyin‟ must make Johnny hungry, Miss Beth. You better hurry on
then, before him and Ricardo starve to death.

BETH
I will leave you to your sheep. Good day, Wanda.

WANDA
Baaa!

BETH
Good morning, Lola.

LOLA
Maaa!

[LOLA and WANDA scamper up to Beth’s wagon to see her off.]

DAVE
Kids, if that woman makes out like she cooks, those boys are gonna be real sore real
quick. So Johnny‟s goin‟ to school by way of the United States postal system. What‟ll
they think of next? [He picks up the advertisement.] A dollar a day? Just to sing and do
chores? Ah, but who wants to live with crazy Saul? Although I hear he‟s got a daughter‟s
not too hard to look at. But livin‟ with him on his ranch? I‟d have to be nuts. I‟d lose my
freedom. And you wouldn‟t wanna be mixed up with a bunch of sheep you’ve never met,
would you? {He doesn’t look, but all his sheep are nodding vigorously.} You all feel safe
and protected with me right here, don‟t you? [Again, he’s not looking as the sheep wag
their heads vigorously in the negative.] What a ridicalous idea, givin‟ up my way of life
to get mixed up with Saul and his crazy family. [Dave finally looks at his sheep to see
where they stand on the issue. He realizes that they want to upgrade their lifestyle as we
hear the final strains of Wyoming Dawn.]



Scene 3

Monday afternoon. We are back outside SAUL’s Lazy S’s Ranch, and there is a small line
of young men with various musical instruments at the door. JOHNNY comes to the door
to usher in the next applicant, BILL LOEWE, who is carrying a tuba. As Bill enters the
house, the front opens up so that we now see the interior of the ranch house. There are
sheep decorations everywhere: sheep rugs, ram heads over a door, fleece lamp shades,
ram horns for coat racks. It is clear that sheep give a lot more than just wool to SAUL’s



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 2                        Page 23 of 204
enterprise. There is a sunken entertaining area, and the dining area is on a rise behind it,
with a kitchen door stage left. SAUL is smoking a pipe.


JOHNNY
Daddy, this is Bill Loewe. He‟s a singer, but he accompanies himself on the tuba.

SAUL
At the same time?

BILL
Oh, no, Mr. Strongman. I blow a little, then sing a little.

SAUL
You sing and you blow?

BILL
Yes, Sir.

SAUL
And you play relaxin‟ music?

BILL
Well, I play for my grandma before bedtime.

SAUL
God bless you boy. You play for your grandma. She must be a lucky old lady. Go ahead.
Play something nice like you play for your grandma.

BILL
[He blows a few notes that sound like an anguished whale.]
MY LOVE IS LIKE A CHERRY CAUSE HER LIPS ARE RED.
[He blows a few more horrendous notes.]
MY LOVE IS LIKE A ROSE CAUSE SHE HAS A FRAGRANT NOSE.
[He blows a few more.]
MY LOVE IS LIKE A CACTUS PEAR BECAUSE SHE’S GOT A CURVY
DERRIERE.
[And his final blows…]
MY LOVE’S A LITTLE BIT LIKE A KUMKWAT BECAUSE SHE HAS—

SAUL
Thank you, Bill! Thank you so much. Your grandma wouldn‟t be deaf by any chance?

BILL
How did you know?




Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 3                       Page 24 of 204
SAUL
God bless her. You keep playin‟ for her and may the Good Lord look after both of you.
Next!

MICHELLE
[Michelle escorts TIM TUCKER into the salon. He is carrying a fiddle.]
Poppa. This is Tim Tucker. He fiddles.

SAUL
And what kinda fiddlin‟ do you do, Tiny Tim?

Tim
Um, my name‟s just Tim, Sir. Tim Tucker.

SAUL
Okay, Little Timmy. What kind of music do you play on that thing?

Tim
Well, I kind of like to think of it as classical.

SAUL
Oh, that‟s excellent. Classical music wrote by who?

Tim
Wrote by me.

SAUL
But if it‟s wrote by you, Itty Bitty Timmy, then how can we classify it as classical?
Wouldn‟t it have to be wrote by somebody really old to be called classical?

Tim
Well, a hundred years from now it‟ll be old and then it‟ll be classical. I like to think I‟m
creating music before its time.

SAUL
Well why don‟t you play it before it‟s time for me to hear somebody else.

Tim
Oh, okay.

MY BELOVED WHY HAST THOU SCORNED ME?
MY BETROTHED WHAT HAST THOU BORNE ME?
MY BETRAYER WHY HAST THOU ADORNED ME
WITH THESE HORNS THAT MAKE ME YOUR GOAT?
OH, FA DIDDLE LA FA DIDDLE LA FA DIDDLE LA DO LEE
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE MY TRUE LOVE AND HOLY



Dave and Johnny                           Act I/Scene 3                       Page 25 of 204
FA DIDDLE LA FA DIDDLE LA FA DIDDLE LA DO LEE
NOW I AM HEART BROKEN, FAT AND ROLY POLY
FA DIDDLE LA FA DIDDLE LA FA DIDDLE LA DO LEE
I’M A LONE COWBOY AND YOU’RE ANNIE OAKLEY.

SAUL
Well, my goodness, Little Tom Thumb! That was heart-rending. Gut-wrenching.
Stomach-turning.

Tim
Thanks?

SAUL
We have a tellyphone. Do you have a tellyphone?

Tim
I do, Sir.

SAUL
Well, if I decide that you‟re the man for the job, I might will just call you on my
tellyphone. But don‟t you call me on your tellyphone. I’ll call you.

Tim
Thank you, Mr. Strongman.

SAUL
Don‟t thank me. Just go home now.

[He slumps in his armchair.]

This is the most asinine waste of my time that you three have ever corralled me into!

JOHNNY
Now Daddy, don‟t give up. You can‟t expect Caruso to land on your doorstep the first
day of auditions.

SAUL
First day? You want me to go through another day of this torture?

MABEL
Pa! Pa! The next boy has a guitar. Ought I let him in?

SAUL
Something so mundane as a guitar? I was hoping for a bagpipe or a buzz saw.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 3                         Page 26 of 204
MABEL
He‟s awful purty, too.

SAUL
Well, if he‟s purty, by all means let him in!

[MABEL pulls DAVE into the room. Everything goes silent. MABEL looks on DAVE with
adoration. JOHNNY looks at him with delight. MICHELLE looks at him with guilty
longing. SAUL looks at all three of his children and realizes that DAVE is not going to be
just another handyman.]

So, Mr. Purty Boy with a guitar. What kinda noise do you make?

DAVE
Sir, I just have a few songs that I sing to my sheep.

SAUL
Sheep songs?

DAVE
Well, they seem to calm down when I play. Cows do too. In fact, my music seems to
soothe most any beast.

SAUL
Well, I get these beastly nightmares comin‟ straight from hell. It‟s gonna take some real
angelic music to give me any rest.

DAVE
Well, I ain‟t no angel, you can be certain of that. But my sheep like this lullaby.

SAUL
Aren‟t you afraid I‟m a tad too old to be sung a lullaby?

DAVE
Nobody‟s ever too old to be sung a lullaby. My momma sung it to me. And I‟ll sing it to
you.

LOVE IS MY GUIDE
LOVE GIVES ME HOPE
AND LOVE TAKES CARE OF ME
LOVE LEADS ME TO PLAY
IN SWEET GREEN PASTURES
NEATH THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY
NEAR CLEAR COOL CREEKS.
LOVE SAVES ME FROM FIGHTS
SENDS FRIENDS AT NIGHT



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 3                          Page 27 of 204
SO I NEVER FEAR
ANYTHING
CAUSE I CAN FLY HIGH
ON LOVE'S WUH-I-INGS.

SAUL
Why that‟s a song for babies! That‟s a song for infants! Sing it again.

DAVE and eventually JOHNNY, MABEL, MICHELLE, PIERRE

LOVE IS MY GUIDE
LOVE GIVES ME HOPE
AND LOVE TAKES CARE OF ME
LOVE LEADS ME TO PLAY
IN SWEET GREEN PASTURES
NEATH THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY
NEAR CLEAR COOL CREEKS.
LOVE SAVES ME FROM FIGHTS
SENDS FRIENDS AT NIGHT
SO I NEVER FEAR
ANYTHING
CAUSE I CAN FLY HIGH
ON LOVE'S WUH-I-INGS.

[SAUL is fast asleep in his armchair. The music continues to play. PIERRE, MABEL,
MICHELLE, and JOHNNY are all taking turns dancing with DAVE in a step dance that
is hypnotically romantic.]



Scene 4

Tuesday morning. We now see the large kitchen of SAUL’s Lazy S’s Ranch. It has all the
modern conveniences of the turn of the century—gas stove, ice box, carpet sweeper,
electric iron, and vacuum cleaner. MABEL and PIERRE are making breakfast. PIERRE
is flipping crêpes while MABEL is attending to the toast. PIERRE and MABEL do a toast
and eggs ballet as toast pops up and crêpes get flipped.


PIERRE
Mademoiselle Mabel. Please taste this to see if my [said with a somewhat open vowel
sound, close to the a in hat] crepe make pleasure to you. [He lovingly feeds Mabel a bite
of crepe]

MABEL
Pierre, you are an artiste.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 3                       Page 28 of 204
PIERRE
Because you are my inspiration.


MABEL
Oh, Pierre, you say that to anybody who likes your cooking.

PIERRE
No, Mademoiselle Mabel. Nobody make me cook the way you make me cook. When you
eat my crepe, I know that my life have meaning.

MABEL
Oh, Pierre. You Frenchmen sure know how to flirt.

PIERRE
Maybe one day, Mademoiselle Mabel, I will make the money to go home and open a
restaurant so I can make crepe for all of France. You will join me and watch Pierre make
beautiful crepe for high society.

MABEL
I don‟t think I would fit in with all those fancy French ladies and their fluffy ways.

PIERRE
Oh, Mademoiselle Mabel, you are fluffy enough for France.

MABEL
[They almost kiss.] Do you think it‟s time to call to mess?

PIERRE
Yes, call your family to this marvelous mess with your dainty break fast song.

MABEL

YOU SLEPT TOO LONG
LISTEN TO THE MORNING SONG
GET YOUR LAZY ASSES OUT OF BED
YOU GOOD FOR NOTHINGS
THERE'S LOTS TO DO
WE COOKED FOR YOU
AND IF YOU DON'T COME DOWN PRETTY SOON
YOUR BISCUITS WILL
TASTE LIKE A ROTTEN OLD COW CHIP
AND YOU'LL BE MAD THE COFFEE'S COLD
AND
THE CREPES ARE BLAND OR DISGUSTING



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 4                         Page 29 of 204
AND THE HARD BACON TOO
WILL FEEL LIKE IT'S BEEN PULLED
OUT OF A SHOO-OO-OE
SO GET UP REAL SOON!

[MICHELLE comes into the kitchen as the music continues, followed by JOHNNY,
followed by DAVE, and they join MABEL and PIERRE in a sextet of the Morning Song,
all the while acrobatically preparing the table. At song’s end, SAUL enters, and they all
seven sit for breakfast.]

MICHELLE
Poppa, how did you sleep?

SAUL
I slept like a lamb in a cotton loft. I slept like a baby in billowy blanket. I slept like a
kitten wrapped in the warmth of its mama‟s fine fur. I slept okay.

JOHNNY
No nightmares?

SAUL
Not a one.

MABEL
Then do you reckon this here boy can stay?

SAUL
[sees Dave for the first time in the morning light]
Oh, so you was the one what played that guitar last night?

DAVE
That were me.

MICHELLE
That were I.

JOHNNY
That was I.

SAUL
Boy, it‟s too early in the morning for grammar.

JOHNNY
Sorry, Daddy. I‟m just trying to elevate the discourse.




Dave and Johnny                          Act I/Scene 4                           Page 30 of 204
SAUL
Well, you‟d serve a better purpose if you‟d elevate a few fields of radishes and tended to
feedin‟ our sheep.

JOHNNY
That‟s what you hired Ricardo for, right? There‟s no reason why a ranch family can‟t be
educated. You are the head of the Sherona County Sheep Shearer‟s Association.

MABEL
So Dave, was your bed all right? Did Johnny make you comfortable?

DAVE
Oh, yeah. My bed was fine. And Johnny made me real comfortable. He gave me some
wonderful pillows.

MICHELLE
That‟s so sweet. You ain‟t seed fancy pillows before, I‟ll bet.

DAVE
I felt like I was in France.

PIERRE
Yes, we French make the nice fluffy things.

DAVE
Then Johnny and me had us a drag-down, duck and deck „em, no holds, high-fallutin‟
pillow fight!

SAUL
[taken aback just a bit] A pillow fight, huh? [JOHNNY and DAVE grin at each other.]
Well, I hope nobody got hurt.

MABEL
Does that mean you wanna stay?

DAVE
I would love to stay.

SAUL
Think you can get along with my three idiot children?

DAVE
[still grinning at JOHNNY] Oh, I think I can.

SAUL
Their mother died of the typhoid in 1900.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 4                        Page 31 of 204
DAVE
As did mine, right after my pa.

MABEL
So many died.

SAUL
God rest their souls. So many lost to the fever. But we carry on. Don‟t we boy?

DAVE
Yes, Sir. We do.

SAUL
I dedicate everything I do to my wife‟s memory. Noma was a good woman. She raised
these three nitwits up to puberty and then dropped dead. But I raised „em the rest of the
way.

JOHNNY
And you did a good job, Daddy.

SAUL
Well, I ain‟t so sure. You see, boy…what‟s your name?

DAVE
Dave.

SAUL
You see, Dave, I got one daughter who likes to eat so much that I gotta go to the general
store practically every day just to keep the larder filled. Then I got another bossy
daughter that thinks she‟s tougher than any man, so they all run for cover as soon as she
starts shoutin‟ orders like a Rough Rider. And my only son likes to sleep with a
dictionary so‟s he can elevate the linguistic level of the ranch. Meanwhile, I‟m tryin‟ to
keep Phil Steiner and his cowboys from killin‟ my sheep. It ain‟t easy raisin‟ both
livestock and kids.

DAVE
No, Sir, I imagine it‟s not. But I might could be able to he‟p you out with a few things.
For starters, aside from Phil Steiner, I can keep coyotes from killin‟ your sheep..

SAUL
That so? You have a special skill at keepin‟ varmints away from a flock?

DAVE
Sure do. I just make like a coyote myself and they tend to stay away. [He howls like a
coyote.]



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 4                        Page 32 of 204
[Everybody laughs at this display of theater when suddenly RICARDO comes into the
kitchen with a dead lamb in his arms.]

SAUL
I guess we hired you a might late. What happened Ricardo? Did a coyote get past you?

RICARDO
Mr. Saul. I‟m so sorry. I wasn‟t watching. I wasn‟t watching. The lamb crossed Phil
Steiner‟s deadline and the cowboys roped him, and dragged him, and broke his neck. It is
my fault. I was not watching. The cowboys killed the lamb and the whole time they were
laughing.

SAUL
Those gol-danged-darned-dratted-dastardly dung-diseased beef headed cowboys! Who is
gonna free me from this menace?

MICHELLE
Poppa, calm down.

SAUL
How can I calm down when every time I turn around, Phil Steiner‟s bucket boys stab me
in the back? Steiner don‟t even speak American and he thinks he owns Wyoming!

JOHNNY
Daddy, American is actually just a degraded version of the English that Phil Steiner—

SAUL
You may stop talking now!

JOHNNY
Yes, Sir.

SAUL
There must be some way that we can be rid of Phil and his deadline once and for all!

[PHIL STEINER enters the back door of the kitchen.]

PHIL
There is a way.

SAUL
Well, ain‟t this an obnoxious bit of serendipitousness. A visit by Mr. Phil Steiner hisself.

PHIL
Himself, if I might correct you. I‟m sure your son Johnny would prefer that you speak
with proper grammar.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 4                         Page 33 of 204
SAUL
I‟m tired of you killin‟ my sheep.

PHIL
I‟m tired of their crossing my line.

SAUL
That line is a figment of your dagnabbified European imagination.

PHIL
Perhaps. But the continual demise of members of your flock is not a figment of yours, is
it? Listen, Saul. I know you keep a few head of cattle on your ranch, and as I‟ve told you
many times, I don‟t have a problem with them. They can share grass with my cows at any
time. But you know that once sheep have grazed on a plot of land, cows refuse to eat
there [he says this while we see one of Saul’s sheep and one of his cows eating grass
together on the side of the stage]. Cows detest the stink of sheep.

JOHNNY
That‟s just an old superstition. Mr. Steiner, you shouldn‟t listen to your cowboys.

SAUL
What do we have to do to be rid of your stink, Phil Steiner? You come over here from
your lah-di-dah England with your Queen‟s face on every dang thing you own, and you
drive your cattle up and down our state, where we live, where we call home, and your
cows eat everything in sight. Then you sell the beef to your fat friends in New York City
and Chicago and London, while our sheep are starved.

PHIL
I think you have it quite wrong, Sir. We have been pasturing our cattle on this land since
long before you ever invaded with your little homesteader plots. The beef that you
Americans enjoy comes from the descendants of English cattle, and in America, Steiner
family beef goes back generations, to my grandfather. The annoyance is to us, not to you,
that your wooly locusts rape the land so that our cows can scarcely maintain a decent
weight. Your little grangy farm enterprises are threatening an industry that has been
feeding the elite of two continents for millennia.

SAUL
What would it take to get you to leave the Dusty River Valley? I‟m ready to pay a ransom
to have my home left in peace.

PHIL
Oh, no, Sir. There‟s not any amount of money that would entice me away from this fertile
paradise. But I am a sporting man, and a man of honor, and so I have come to make you
an offer.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 4                        Page 34 of 204
SAUL
What sort of offer?

PHIL
I propose that we settle the dispute over the land with a joust.

SAUL
A what?

JOHNNY
A duel.

SAUL
Wyoming‟s a state now. Duels are illegal.

PHIL
Well, we don‟t have to advertise it, do we? I suggest a duel that won‟t get us entangled
with the local authorities.

SAUL
A dog fight? Fist and skull?

PHIL
Well, that wouldn‟t be terribly exciting, would it? No, I should think that we can allow
weapons as long as they don‟t use gunpowder. We wouldn‟t want explosions to alert
witnesses. So we‟ll allow any weapons that don‟t explode. No rifles. No pistols. No guns
of any kind. That said, everything else goes.

SAUL
And you have a competitor already in mind for such a duel?

PHIL
Oh, yes. I do, indeed. I will leave the Dusty River Valley, surrender the Phil Steiner
Family Ranch over to you, if you can find a man to take down my cowboy [GIL WYETH
enters the kitchen], Gil Wyeth, in a duel to the death.

MICHELLE
To the death?

PHIL
My dear little lady, the stakes are rather high. Your way of life is in the balance.

MABEL
“To the death” is an awful nasty way to preserve a way of life..

JOHNNY
Mr. Steiner, why should we take your word that you will abide by the result?


Dave and Johnny                            Act I/Scene 4                      Page 35 of 204
PHIL
Because Master Johnny, I am English.

JOHNNY
And like King Henry the Eighth, you‟ll love, honor and obey.

SAUL
You‟re on.

JOHNNY
What?

SAUL
I accept your challenge.

PHIL
Well done. Tomorrow at dawn, then. And where shall the dance take place?

SAUL
Where the Union Pacific track meets the Dusty River. We‟ll have privacy there.

GIL
Who‟ve you got dumb enough to go agin‟ me, Saul?

SAUL
That‟s my little secret, beef head.

GIL
Ain‟t nobody can whip me.

SAUL
You‟re pretty sure of yourself, ain‟t you cowboy?

GIL
I‟m from Texas.

PIERRE
Texans. How I love them. They are a breed apart from other Americans. Giants among
Lilliputians.

GIL, PHIL

TEXANS FIGHT
AIN'T NO SIN
DAY OR NIGHT



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 4                      Page 36 of 204
TEXANS WIN
TEXANS KNOW
HOW TO RODEO
THEY'RE DYNAMITE
WITH A GRIN
LEATHER HIDE
FOR THEIR SKIN
JUST REMEMBER
I TOLD YOU THERE'S NO HOPE
IN A SHOW DOWN
WITH ANY TEXAN
THAT TOTES A ROPE
DON'T TAKE NO TEXANS ON
IN ANY DUEL
NO DON'T FOOL
WITH A SALOON GOIN
OR LASSO THROWIN
COWBOY
DON'T TAKE NO TEXANS ON
YOU WON'T LIVE TOO LONG
IT'S WRONG
TO TAKE ANY TEXAN O O ON!

[PHIL and TIGE have entered the kitchen and joined Gil in his two step. The
choreography turns into a rodeo display in which cowboys use ropes to lasso different
members of Saul’s family, in various ways, always ending with the introduction of a
lethal weapon to playact finishing the job, such as a knife, hatchet, machete, and
branding iron, for good measure. The idea is to show Saul’s family that cowboys can
catch and kill anything or anyone they care to. GIL’s play victim is MICHELLE. By the
end of the dance, MABEL, JOHNNY, and PIERRE are also all tied up.]

PHIL
So the duel is on?

SAUL
You just be there where the Union Pacific tracks meet the Dusty River. Tomorrow. At
dawn.

PHIL
Well, I like your confidence, Sheep Man. Come boys. Let the Strongmans enjoy their last
breakfast in the Dusty River Valley. [PHIL and GIL and the COWBOYS dance off.]

SAUL
Well, finally, we can be rid of these gol-dangety-darned cowboys and their chew-
mungous cows. Finally, we can have some peace to let our sheep breathe free and thrive.




Dave and Johnny                      Act I/Scene 4                       Page 37 of 204
Finally, we can make this our home, where we can live a decent, respectable, unsullied
lifestyle fit for families where the future brings forth promise, abundance, and prosperity.



JOHNNY
Daddy, who‟s gonna fight and beat Gil Wyeth?

SAUL
I haven‟t got the vaguest idea.

MICHELLE
Poppa!


JOHNNY
Daddy, this isn‟t a game. You placed everything we have at stake. If we don‟t find
somebody to duel with and beat Gil Wyeth we will have to forfeit our property.

SAUL
I know that.

MABEL
So where are we gonna find such a man, Pa?

SAUL
Well, you young folks are so smart, why don‟t you tell me?

[Everybody looks at each for a long time.]

MICHELLE
We might could find someone hangin‟ around Old Sam‟s Saloon. There are lots of sheep
men go there who wouldn‟t mind fightin‟ a cowboy.

JOHNNY
But what would the inspiration be? What could we offer the man for takin‟ up the fight?

MICHELLE
Me.

SAUL
You would make that sacrifice for the family?

MICHELLE
Heck, Poppa. Any man who can beat Gil Wyeth is worth a lifetime of bunkin‟ with.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 4                         Page 38 of 204
JOHNNY
Michelle, a lot of men have got their hearts set on you, but do you really think they want
you badly enough to risk death?

SAUL
Johnny, considerin‟ their other options, most Sherona County men would sit on a scorpion and
put a rattler down their pants for the chance to marry Michelle. Don‟t you doubt your sister‟s
charms!

MABEL
Pa. Michelle and I can drive the buggy over to Sam‟s Saloon and Grocery. There‟ll be
lots of men hangin‟ around there. We‟ll find someone who can beat Gil.

SAUL
God bless you gals. You go and find that man.

JOHNNY
And I‟ll type write the surrender document for Phil to sign when he loses the duel.

SAUL
Make it say, “I Phil Steiner, do hereby cede my Sherona County property to Saul
Strongman and agree never to bring cattle to graze in the Dusty River Valley.”

JOHNNY
Come on, Dave. Let me show you how to work a Remington type writer. It‟s a blast.
Technology makes it possible to create documents that heretofore only a professional
printer could make. But now, anybody, right in his own home, can make a document that
looks like it came from a printing press.

DAVE
Isn‟t technology wonderful!


Scene 5

Tuesday afternoon. We are in Johnny’s room. It looks like a laboratory. There are two
beds, with lots of foam rubber pillows, but everything else is tubing, flasks, pipes, and
burners. Johnny seats Dave at his Remington.

JOHNNY
Let me show you how this works. You have to press pretty hard. Watch. [He bangs out
letters.] D-A-V-E. See? There‟s your name! Dave!

DAVE
Well, ain‟t that the most ripsniptitious thing I ever did see.




Dave and Johnny                          Act I/Scene 4                           Page 39 of 204
JOHNNY
And then you start a new line of type simply by pulling on this bar here—

DAVE
Johnny?

JOHNNY
Yes, Dave?

DAVE
What‟s all them tubes fer?

JOHNNY
You like my chemistry set?

DAVE
Your bedroom looks like a hospital.

JOHNNY
I‟m studying the properties of rubber.

DAVE
Rubber? Ain‟t that Amazon Indian stuff?

JOHNNY
Dave, you have no idea. Rubber is just the most important substance that‟s going to bring
technology to a whole new level. Since Charles Goodyear figured out how to galvanize
rubber, it is a substance that has the potential to change civilization. Rubber is going to
change the way we dress, the way we travel. It‟s going to solve problems

DAVE
Solve problems? Rubber?

JOHNNY
Those pillows you enjoyed so much last night. I made „em myself. They‟re stuffed with a
rubber foam. Now they‟ve started usin‟ rubber to soften the feel of the wheel of those
new automobiles. They put rubber on those wheels and people don‟t feel the bumps in the
road so much. That‟s gonna make the automobiles more enjoyable, and more people are
gonna buy „em. Those horseless carriages are soon gonna sell faster than hares with their
tails on fire.

DAVE
Automobiles? They‟re just toys for rich folks with nothin‟ to do. Automobiles can‟t keep
up with a horse.




Dave and Johnny                          Act I/Scene 5                      Page 40 of 204
JOHNNY
Just you wait. And there‟s millions of other ways rubber can make life better. For
example, now that Dusty River is getting to be a bigger town, you have congestion on the
sidewalks. Ladies with babies in their buggies keep crashin‟ into each other. Babies cry
and it‟s a nuisance. But if you could cushion the baby buggies with rubber bumpers, then
it wouldn‟t matter if occasionally one baby buggy bumped into another baby buggy.

DAVE
Installin‟ rubber baby buggy bumpers! That‟s a great idea!

JOHNNY
And cushioning isn‟t the only function rubber can perform. Another miraculous property
of rubber is that it can sheathe things. It can create form fitting impermeable membranes
to prevent objects from being touched by substances that might be deleterious to them.

DAVE
Was you just speaking English?

JOHNNY
For example, rubber sheets called latex can be made into protective coveralls that fit to
form over John Willywanger, so that if Mr. Willywanger goes on maiden voyages, he
won‟t catch any French diseases on his forays into unknown turf.

DAVE
Johnny, you‟re going to have to speak slowly. I ain‟t had no book learning like you.

JOHNNY
This, Dave, [he holds up a condom], is called a con dome. It puts a flexible dome over
your Willywanger so that you can feel everything you need to feel without coming into
contact with foreign territory so that you can explore the banks of the canal without
leaving a deposit, and without picking up any unwanted debris on the way home. It lets
you investigate the real estate without committing to it. It will revolutionize the way
people get to know each other. It‟ll bring intimacy to a whole new level.

DAVE
You talk really strange, Johnny Strongman, but I enjoy listening to you.

JOHNNY
Look at this. It‟s called a book strap. It can hold all your books together on the way to
school. And then when you get to school and fail to pay attention, the teacher can use it to
whip your behind. Hurts more than a switch, but it doesn‟t break.

DAVE
How economical!




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 5                        Page 41 of 204
JOHNNY
And have a look at this! [pulls a jockstrap out of a drawer]

DAVE
What‟s that? A bonnet?


JOHNNY
No, it‟s called a bicycle jockey strap. If you‟re riding on a rough road on your bicycle, it
protects your family jewels from slapping all around and getting hurt.

DAVE
Who would carry jewels on a bicycle?

JOHNNY
No. Your prairie oysters. You know. Your twins.

DAVE
Oh! Dad gum! This would come in handy shearin‟ ornery sheep.

JOHNNY
It‟s got a million uses, no question. It‟s made with revolutionary stretchable rubber called
e-lastic.

DAVE
E-lastic! What an invention! Ain‟t technology somethin‟!

JOHNNY
Oh, Dave! I want my daddy to invest his money in a rubber plantation, but all he cares
about is those goldang sheep. But someday, I‟m going to find an investor and I‟m going
to make a fortune.

DAVE
I believe you will. I feel like I‟m at a revival meetin‟! Preacher John! Tell me all about it!

JOHNNY

LET'S TALK ABOUT RUBBER
GREATEST STUFF TO BE DEVISED
REMARKABLE RUBBER
GOODYEAR'S FRIENDS WERE ALL SURPRISED
INCREDIBLE RUBBER
NOW IT'S COME TO BE SO PRIZED…OH
TAP IT FROM A TREE TRUNK
SAPPY GUM'LL BE GUNK
TILL YOU GET IT VULCANIZED.



Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 5                         Page 42 of 204
JUST HEAR ABOUT RUBBER
IT'S THE PRODUCT OF THE FUTURE
JUST THINK ABOUT RUBBER
AND HOW IT WILL OBVIATE FUR
PUT ON RUBBER
IT'LL BE IN THINGS WE WEAR LIKE
RUBBER MOCCASINS AND
RUBBER PANTALOONS AND
RUBBER CAPS FOR COVERIN' HAIR

RUBBER TUBES AND HOSES
RUBBER DUCKS AND NOSES
RUBBER GLOVES TO HELP PROTECT OUR HANDS
RUBBER BALLOONS, RUBBER WALLED ROOMS
RUBBER STAMPS AND GASKETS
AUTOMOBILE TIRES
AND DENTAL DAMS

STOPPERS STOPPIN' WATER
CONDOMS KEEPIN' DAUGHTERS
SAFER AND NOT HAVING TODDLERS
RUBBER HEELS FOR HIKERS
JOCKEY STRAPS FOR BIKERS
RUBBER STRAPS TO WHIP THE DAWDLERS!

RUBBER
IT'LL BE A MUST FOR ME AND U-
BIQUITOUS RUBBER
TWILL BUILD THE STATES LIKE METAL BUILT ROM-
ANTIC RUBBER
IT'LL BE IN GREAT DEMAND, OH
RUBBER ROPE FOR BUNGEE JUMPERS
RUBBER BABY BUGGY BUMPERS
RUBBER FOR A BRAVE NEW LAND.

DAVE and JOHNNY

RUBBER ROPE FOR BUNGEE JUMPERS
RUBBER BABY BUGGY BUMPERS
RUBBER FOR A BRAVE NEW LAND.


DAVE
Johnny.




Dave and Johnny           Act I/Scene 5        Page 43 of 204
JOHNNY
Yes, Dave.

DAVE
If we take over Phil Steiner‟s ranch tomorrow, you‟ll have more „an enough money for
your rubber plantation. Weren‟t you usin‟ the Remington to make out his surrender
statement?

JOHNNY
You‟re right! But the problem is Michelle and Mabel have to round up some sheep man
in shining armor to take on Gil Wyeth. And that is not a small problem.

DAVE
My momma used to say, there ain‟t no problem so big that it can‟t be solved with a little
patience, creativity, and time!

JOHNNY
That‟s nice. I think our mommas would have liked each other.

DAVE
Oh. I‟m sure they would have.


Scene 6
Tuesday afternoon. Sam’s Saloon. It is a one-stop shopping spot, as a sign on the wall
stage right indicates that it’s Sam’s General Store, with mostly empty grocery bins and
shelves, a sign on the middle wall says U.S. Postal Service and Notary Public and the
sign stage left says Sam’s Saloon/Room and Bored . There are four rooms and a balcony
on the upper level. There are two entrances: stage right for the store, and stage left for
the saloon. Basically, Sam runs the town and takes care of its necessities. He is also
Marshall and Justice of the Peace. While the counter for the general store and the bar of
the saloon are at opposite ends of the stage, we see in the middle of the stage a candy jar,
a box marked “Stamps” and a keg of beer with a tap. In other words, even though the
counters are spaced miles apart, the goods are all in one central spot. We see two KIDS
eyeing the candy from the general store area, an ELDERLY LADY in the middle of the
stage waiting for stamps, and three SHEEP MEN and two COYBOYS at the bar stage left.
OLD SAM is attending them. MICHELLE and MABEL walk up to OLD SAM.

MICHELLE
Howdy, Sam.

SAUL
Michelle. Mabel. Nice to see you. How‟s your pa?

MABEL
Oh, he‟s just the same as ever, Sam.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 5                        Page 44 of 204
SAM
Oh, sorry to hear it. Great boy, that Saul. Too bad he ain‟t slept since he started the Dusty
River Sheep Shearer‟s Association. Best thing that happened to Dusty River. Good old
Saul. Man among men. Yes, sir, there‟s a man gonna make things happen in this town.
What can I do for you young ladies?

MICHELLE
Well, Sam, my poppa did get one night of good sleep but now we have a small problem.
Poppa just accepted a proposal by Phil Steiner in which Mr. Steiner will agree to keep his
cows out of Dusty River if somebody can beat his man Gil Wyeth in a duel.

SAM
Gil Wyeth? The crazy cowboy?

MABEL
Yes.

SAM
That‟s a mean, nasty, bad man that Gil Wyeth. Ain‟t nobody as nasty and as mean as that
nasty old Gil Wyeth, Lord have mercy! Nasty! Mean! Bad!

MICHELLE
Yes, so we need to find somebody—

[The KIDS, tired of waiting at the general store counter, wander over to Sam at the
saloon.]

SAUL
Hold on, there, ladies. What are you two young „uns doin‟ in the saloon. This ain‟t no
place for little tykes.

KID ONE
[point at the jar center stage] We want some lick‟rish sticks.

SAUL
Well, you can‟t get no lick‟rish sticks in a saloon, young „uns. You go on over to the
general store an‟ I‟ll be right with yeh.

KID TWO
Okay.

SAUL
Hold on jest a minute ladies while I take care of these two rascals.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 6                         Page 45 of 204
MABEL
Take your time Sam.

[The KIDS scamper back to the general store. SAM moseys to that end of the stage as fast
as his old legs will take him, which isn’t very fast. All eyes are on him as he makes his
cross.]

SAUL
Yes, children, what can I do fer you?

KID ONE
We was just at the saloon.

SAM
A saloon ain‟t no place for young folks like you.

KID TWO
No, Sir. We want lickrish sticks.

SAM
Well, let me get „em. Hold on there.

KID ONE
Thank you.

[SAM moseys center stage for the lickrish sticks.]

SAM
Here you go. That‟ll be a penny.

KID ONE
My mama gave us this here nickel.

SAM
All right then. I‟ll have to make change. I believe I have change over to the saloon. [The
KIDS follow him over.] You kids don‟t belong in no saloon. That ain‟t a right place for
little boys.

KID TWO
I‟m a girl.

SAM
Never mind. You wait for your change in the store.

LADY AT THE POST OFFICE
Sam, I have some pennies. I can make change for you.



Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 6                       Page 46 of 204
SAM
I can‟t conduct private store business on federal property, Ma‟am, though I appreciate the
offer. I‟ll just be a minute.
[He continues to the saloon, carrying the lickrish with him, which he leaves on the bar.]
You ladies need somethin‟?

MICHELLE
We can wait, Sam. You were makin‟ change.

SAM
For who?

MABEL
For those two young folks over to the general store.

SAM
Oh, yes, so I was. I‟ll be right with you. [He grabs some pennies and moseys back to the
general store without the lickrish.]

What would you kids like?

KID TWO
Our change.

SAM
Well, you gotta buy somethin‟ first.

KID ONE
We wanted some lick‟rish sticks.

SAM
I‟ll be right back. [He moseys to the lickrish jar, which is now empty.] I‟m plumb out of
lickrish..

LADY AT THE POST OFFICE
Sam, I think I saw some lickrish over at the saloon. And when you have a chance, Sam, I
need a penny stamp.

SAM
Hold your horses sweet woman, I‟m mighty busy right now with customers at the general
store. But first I got to rustle up some lickrish. I hear there may could be some at the
saloon.

LADY
You take your time Sam. Sundown‟s not for another few hours yet.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 6                        Page 47 of 204
[Another cross and SAM makes it back to the general store.]


KID TWO
And my Mama wants two penny stamps.


SAM
Well, you might coulda‟ told me while I was over by the post office. I coulda‟ picked
some up on the way.

KID TWO
Sorry.

SAM
I‟ll be right back.

MICHELLE
Mabel, I don‟t think there are very many men here who are either willing, sober or
capable of taking on Gil Wyeth.

MABEL
[pointing to the two cowboys] Those two look young and fit.

MICHELLE
Those are cowboys, friends of Gil‟s, And these three don‟t look fit enough to shear sheep.
And Mabel, as for Sam helpin‟ us find someone, I‟m not so sure that Sam is the same
sharp tack he used to be when we were kids and he was only eighty.

MABEL
Don‟t say that. He‟s runnin‟ the store, the saloon, the post office, and the court house all
by hisself. He‟s got the energy of ten young men. [She says this as SAM is making his
way back from the post office to the general store. He counts out two penny stamps from
his envelope, which he leaves on the counter]

KID ONE
Thank you, Sam.

KID TWO
Bye, bye Sam.

SAUL
You two run along and tell your Mama if she needs anything notarized I got my new
notary public rubber stamp ready to go. Or also if she‟s fixin‟ to get married again, I can
find someone and put my rubber stamp on that too.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 6                         Page 48 of 204
KID ONE
Okay. Thank you.


[SAM moseys over to the LADY at the post office.]

SAM
Weren‟t you here earlier today?

LADY
No, I‟m the same one who‟s been here Sam. I need a penny stamp.

SAM
[He turns to the stamp box, which is now empty because the stamps are in the general
store.]
Oh, I‟m sorry. We‟re plumb out of stamps.

MICHELLE
No, you got stamps, [She runs over to the general store counter and back to Sam at the
post office before he can turn his neck to follow her completely.] Look, see. They were
here all the time!

SAM
Well, land sakes, I must need new glasses. Here they were all the time, wouldn‟t you
know?

LADY
Thank you, Sam. [She takes her own stamps and leaves two pennies on the counter and
exits.]

SAM
That woman just walked off with United States postage stamps! That‟s a federal crime!
Somebody call the Marshall!

MABEL
[walking over to the post office]
You‟re the Marshall, Sam.

MICHELLE
But she paid for them. See? She left the pennies right here.

SAM
Why so she did. That‟s what I love about Wyoming folks. They‟re so honest. You can
trust „em. Trust „em with your life. Didn‟t I see you young gals at the saloon?




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 6                       Page 49 of 204
MICHELLE
Yes Sam. We were there but we knew you were here at the post office, so we decided to
come mosey on by to you where you was at.



SAUL
Well, that‟s nice. That‟s what I love about Wyoming folk.. So neighborly. Always have
time for a visit. How‟s your pa?

MICHELLE
He was hopin‟ you‟d help us find somebody who could kill Gil Wyeth in a duel.

SAM
Duelin‟ ain‟t legal no more, Missy! Wyoming is a state with rules and regulations. You
just proposed incitin‟ me to aid and abet in a capital offense while you been standin‟ right
here on federal postal property.

MABEL
See that Michelle? Sharp as a tack.

MICHELLE
No, we didn‟t tell you that in the post office. That‟s somethin‟ you musta‟ heard in
private at the saloon.

SAM
Oh, yeah. People tell me lots of things at the saloon. I‟d better get back there. I had two
young lady customers waitin‟ on me.

[MICHELLE and MABEL walk back over and wait for Sam.]

For two bits, I can help you gals find a man to get hitched to. I‟m not as spry as I used to
be, but I‟m adept with assignations.

MICHELLE
Come to mention it, I‟m ready to marry the man who can win my poppa‟s duel.

[The SHEEP MEN and COWBOYS all look at Michelle.]

MABEL
Sam. We can‟t talk about this in front of just anybody. Any way we can get those
cowboys to leave?

SAM
I wouldn‟t wanna marry no good-for-nothin‟ cowboys neither, Missy. I know how to get
rid of „em. [He turns toward the bar customers.] Excuse me, ev‟ybody. I want to make a



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 6                          Page 50 of 204
toast to the good people of Wyoming, a state where decent folks lay down roots and
make their homes in the Equality State where men folks and women folks have the same
right to determine the laws of the future.
[TIGE spits and exits.]
A state where sheep can run free and frisky over shared community grassland.


MABEL
Sam, you are a poet!

[HARRY spits out his beer and makes his exit.]

SAM
Where mother nature runs the show, [while SAM continues, a huge TARANTULA climbs
up the side of the bar], where wildlife in all its beauty graces the landscape [the
TARANTULA is now on the bar crawling toward the SHEEP MEN], and people and
animals live together in blessed harmony. [As a tarantula starts to climb onto the arm of
SHEEP MAN ONE, who pays no attention, SAM pulls out a Colt revolver from under the
bar and shoots the TARANTULA, who pops up into the air and falls dead behind the bar.
Nobody shows any emotion, as this is apparently commonplace activity. Now
MICHELLE AND MABEL take over bar duties and start serving drinks to everybody who
comes in.]

MICHELLE
That is so heartfelt a sentiment Sam. [A tremendous THUNDER CLAP is heard.] To
Wyoming, [We hear a lightning bolt.] Where the weather is full of wonder. [SHEEP
MAN FOUR enters the bar, completely drenched from the rain.] …where, in the month
of April, you can experience all the seasons of the year. [A COUPLE, a MAN and
WOMAN, enter the bar, completely covered in snow.] Howdy.

COUPLE
[as SAM comes over to them to brush them off.] Howdy. [We hear a gale of wind and
glasses and furniture blow in the direction of the general store until SAM closes a
window. Then SHEEP MAN FIVE blows in, covered in balls of hail and a load of tumble
weeds attached to him so that he looks like a Christmas tree. EVERYBODY in the bar
helps to uncover him.]

SHEEP MAN FIVE
Howdy, neighbors. It‟s a might bit rough out there.

[The wind stops and SAM opens the window again. Now the sun comes pouring into the
room and we hear happy birds chirping. One alights on the window sill.]

MABEL
How can you say that, Sir? It‟s a beautiful spring day.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 6                      Page 51 of 204
SAUL
Another lovely day in Dusty River. I been proud to call myself a member of this fine state
since before we stole it from its native inhabitants back in ‟37.

[CHIEF RUNNING BULL enters the bar.]


CHIEF RUNNING BULL
How!

SAM
How? With the help of President Van Buren‟s soldiers, that‟s how. And a little pluck.
And a lot of whiskey. What a grand history. What a grand legacy. To Wyoming!

MICHELLE and ALL

To Wyoming!

WYOMING GRAND
MOUNTAINS AND PRAIRIES
SUNSETS ROSE AND PURPLE
PAINT THE SKY

IF YOU ASK WHY
WE LOVE THIS LAND
OUR ANSWER WON'T VARY
WE LIKE INTENSE FEELINGS
LOW AND HIGH!

FLOODS AND DROUGHTS
AND BLIZZARDS
SPIDERS SNAKES AND LIZARDS
FUN SURPRISES
WHEN THEY'RE CLIMBIN UP THE WALL

HERDS OF COWS STAMPEDIN
WOLVES AND COYOTES EAT IN
CHICKS AND DUCKS AND GEESE
WE OFTEN LOSE EM ALL

WE LOVE THIS LAND WYOMING
HELL AND HEAVEN IN A SQUARE!
WYOMING GRAND!
RICH SOIL IRRIGATION
FOR ONE HUNDRED BUCKS




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 6                       Page 52 of 204
YOU BUY YOUR DREAM
HOMESTEAD A PLOT

GROW RYE AND OATS
BEST LAND IN THE NATION
COWS CAN GRAZE FOR FREE
AND EAT A LOT

OCCASSIONALLY HUSTLERS
TAKE YOUR STOCK LIKE RUSTLERS
BURNING NEW BRANDS
INTO YOUR BRAND
SLIGHT OF HAND
LEGALLY BANNED

BUT DON'T BOTHER SUIN'
JUDGES ARE ALL DOIN'
EV 'RY THING THE CATTLE BARONS DO DEMAND

WE LOVE THIS LAND WYOMING
HELL AND HEAVEN IN A SQUARE

WYOMING GRAND
HAVE PICNICS AND DANCES
ICE SKATE ON A CREEK
AND BUILD A FIRE
SPARK YOUR DESIRE

WOMEN CAN VOTE
AND START NEW ROMANCES
OUR MEN AREN'T MEEK AND DO NOT TIRE

OF HAIL AND WIND AND SANDSTORMS
NATURE IN HER GRAND FORMS
LIGHTNING BOLTS TORRENTIAL RAINS
AND FROSTBIT HANDS

BARBED WIRE, CACTUS, GRAVEL
ALL CAN MAKE YOUR TRAVEL
INTERESTING
WHEN THEY GET INSIDE YOUR PANTS
WE LOVE THIS LAND WYOMING
HELL AND HEAVEN IN A SQUARE

SHEEP MAN THREE
[spoken] Actually it's a rectangle.



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 6   Page 53 of 204
ALL

STILL WE THINK IT'S INTENSE
AND IT MAKES COMMON SENSE
WE LOVE WYOMING GRAND
OUR STATELY SQUARE!

SAM
Lady and gentlemen, as patriots of this young state, as people trying to protect our way of
life from Texans and other foreigners who try to monopolize and devour the sacred
resources of this brave land, I know that you will want to hear an announcement from the
lovely daughter of none other than Mr. Saul Strongarm—

MICHELLE
Strongman.

SAM
Founder of the Sherona County Sheep Shearer‟s Association, the beautiful, and eligible,
Michelle Armstrong.

MICHELLE
Howdy everybody. To put it plain and simple, Phil Steiner

EVERYBODY
Boo!

MICHELLE
Has offered to put up his meanest cowboy, Gil Wyeth, in a competition—

SAM
Wait a minute. This ain‟t somethin‟ she can talk about on federal property. Everybody
out of the post office. [The few people who are a bit too far center stage move closer to
stage left, into the saloon

MICHELLE
A competition that is to be a duel to the death with any and all weapons permitted except
those that explode with gunpowder

SHEEP MAN TWO
Like guns?

MICHELLE
Yeah, like guns, because we don‟t want witnesses to hear anything since technically
duels are illegal now that we‟re a state.




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 6                         Page 54 of 204
[The THREE COWBOYS re-enter the saloon. As Michelle continues to talk, she cannot
see the cowboys behind her, but the PEOPLE in the saloon become uncomfortable and
file out singly or in pairs until nobody is left but the cowboys.]

As you all know, Phil Steiner is a no good rat who runs the Cattlemen‟s Consortium and
who has created the illegal deadline to keep our sheep from grazing peacefully on public
land. He has killed our sheep, and his despicable cowboys have run roughshod over our
town like they own it, shootin‟ up the place, and leavin‟ a bad smell wherever they slither.
Therefore and thus, my Poppa is offerin‟ my hand in marriage to the hero who can take
Gil Wyeth down tomorrow at dawn where the Union Pacific tracks meet the…[realizing
that nobody is left to hear her, she finally turns to see the reason why, the cowboys who
are looking menacingly at her] Dusty River.

TIGE
Looks like you‟re gonna have to look somewhere‟s else for your hero, Ma‟am.

HARRY
Maybe you can ask Buffalo Bill Cody. Ain‟t he in town with his Wild West Show?

TIGE
Of course, he‟s about as old as Old Sam now and the most fightinest thing he ever does is
to argue with Annie Oakley over her salary.

HARRY
Maybe you could get Annie Oakley to fight your duel. Of course, I doubt she‟d wanna
marry you.

TIGE
Maybe you could fight the duel yourself. Then you wouldn‟t have to get married. You
could spare one poor sumnabitch a life of hell.

HARRY
Maybe your sister could fight the duel. She could just kinda sit on old Gil Wyeth and
crush him to death.

SAM
They ain‟t no account to talk like that, gentlemen.

MABEL
Sam, they ain‟t gentle.

MICHELLE
They ain‟t even men.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 6                        Page 55 of 204
SAM
Well, I wished I coulda‟ helped you gals a little better. But you come back here tomorrow
after the duel is won against that cowboy, and the drinks‟ll be on the house.

MABEL
Thank you Sam. We‟ll be back tomorrow [to Tige and Harry] to celebrate.

[TIGE and HARRY block MICHELLE and MABEL’s path as they try to exit. MICHELLE
sneezes several times all over the cowboys.]

(MABEL)
And Sam, thanks for getting‟ Michelle her typhoid medicine.

[MICHELLE sneezes one more time and TIGE and HARRY stand back as MICHELLE
and MABEL exit]



Scene 7
Wednesday at dawn, at the dueling spot, a grassy area with trees, behind which there’s a
river, behind which there are train tracks, a billboard, and a switch house with a metal
barrel. There is a folding table, a large sack, and two chairs. PHIL STEINER is seated on
one of them and GIL on the other. HOMESTEADERS and COWBOYS are gathered, all
chattering nervously, expectantly, excitedly, waiting for Saul and his family to arrive.
CHILDREN are jumping rope and playing with a ball. Apparently, the whole town has
heard about the duel.

PHIL
Gil, my boy, today you will not only make me proud, and the Triple U Ranch richer, you
will bring honor to the state of Texas, which your forebears so honorably rescued from
the hapless Mexican people.

GIL
I ain‟t gonna make you proud if Saul Strongman don‟t show up with his challenger.

PHIL
If he doesn‟t, we‟ll simply wrest his ranch in a default, leaving you unscathed, unscarred,
and unsullied so that you can carry on—

[SAUL, JOHNNY, MICHELLE, MABEL, PIERRE, and RICARDO arrive.]

SAUL
Phil Steiner.

PHIL
Ah, let the games begin.



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 6                         Page 56 of 204
SAUL
I‟d like to have a word with you.

PHIL
Oh, dear. I hope this doesn‟t mean you have failed to find a challenger and that, in front
of the good people of Dusty River, you are going to sign over your ranch to me having
defaulted on your bet.

SAUL
You have no right to intimidate the good people of Sherona County. You are an outsider,
an imposer, and a foreigner.

PHIL
I wasn‟t thinking of intimidating the good people of Sherona County. And we can spend
hours and hours talking about who is foreign to a piece of land inhabited by Lakota and
Sioux for thousands of years, not to mention bison who inhabited it for tens or even
hundreds of thousands of years before them. I‟m interested in your bet, your gentleman‟s
agreement to cede your particular cut of the cake to me if you can‟t find a kid with the
cojones to conquer my cowboy in a contest.
[DAVE enters.]

DAVE
Did I hear a call for cojones?

SAUL
Dave? I told you to stay with the sheep.

DAVE
The sheep are all fine. Lola and Wanda are watchin‟ „em. I hope I‟m not too late for my
dance with Gil Wyeth.

GIL
You?

SAUL
You?

MICHELLE and MABEL
You?

EVERYBODY
You?

JOHNNY
Dave!



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 7                        Page 57 of 204
DAVE
I‟m ready to take on this bull brained banana. [Gasps from the crowd.] This beef-beatin‟
donkey. [More gasps.] This liquor-loaded lard-assed pickle-nosed twinkle-toed pink-eyed
flop-eared flabby-lipped knock-kneed nitwit. [Silence.]

SAUL
Are you insane, boy? That‟s Gil Wyeth. He killed ten men with a machete while he was
sittin‟ on the can with diarrhea. This is a very dangerous cowboy.

DAVE
Jest let me get myself a drink from the river and I‟ll be ready to tangle.

PHIL
Then the duel is on! As per our agreement, no explosive weapons. No guns. No rifles. No
assistance from the audience. Absolutely no telephoning friends. The fight is to the finish
and the stakes are my ranch or Saul‟s. When this red bandanna hits the ground, the joust
begins.

[During this speech, DAVE looks for, and finds, a smooth stone. Strains of DON’T TAKE NO
COWBOYS ON are heard during the action. DAVE returns with the stone in his pocket. He faces
Gil from across the stage as PHIL drops the bandanna. As soon as the bandanna hits the ground
GIL grabs the sack and empties its contents. Crashing to the ground we see a machete, an axe, a
knife, and a branding iron. GIL takes the rope from his belt and creates a threatening lasso out of
it. He stares Dave down while twirling his rope. Dave looks scared and hops from one side to the
next, trying to make a difficult target for Gil to lasso.]


JOHNNY
Dave! Grab something!

MABEL
Get his axe!

MICHELLE
His machete!

SAUL
Do something! Don‟t just stand there like a scared rat!

[Finally GIL lassos DAVE around the legs. With glee he pulls on the rope, dragging
DAVE toward him, across the stage. As DAVE is being pulled, he pulls a slingshot out of
his pocket, made with a twig and pieces of the book strap that Johnny had shown him the
night before.]



Dave and Johnny                           Act I/Scene 7                           Page 58 of 204
DAVE
Hey, Gil. Can you hear the birds singin‟ in the switch house?

[GIL and ALL turn to look at the switch house. DAVE pulls the slingshot and aims it at
the metal barrel. As if it were a pinball machine, we hear the stone ricocheting off of, and
maybe see pieces flying off of: the metal barrel, a tree, the switch house, another tree, a
chair, which falls over, the billboard and finally GIL jerks back in a huge motion
indicating the moment that the stone has finally reached his head. GIL lands on the
ground with a thud. ALL are stunned]

GIL
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dave calmly unties himself, walks over to the unconscious Gil, and places the axe on his
neck.

DAVE
Hear those birds singin‟ now, Gil? Your head would look nice over the settee in Saul‟s
salon. Course, it‟s a bit ugly and might scare the guests. Maybe we could hang it in the
privy. Over the crapper.

PHIL
What did you just do?

DAVE
Just a bit of technology. A rubber book strap tied to a twig. I think I‟ll call it a rubber
shooter.

HOMESTEADER ONE
It‟s like a sling!

DAVE
A rubber sling shooter! Quiet and practical. Now, Mr. Phil Steiner, I believe my friend
Johnny over here has a piece of paper that would look a lot better with your fancy
signature on it.

[Aghast, but undone, and under the eye of the entire community, PHIL stumbles over to
one chair. SAUL and PHIL recreate the Grant and Lee surrender scene as the RUBBER
song strains on a banjo are heard.]

JOHNNY
Dave, you‟re a hero. You‟re my hero.

DAVE
Just needed a little patience, creativity and time. And your technology made it possible.




Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 7                           Page 59 of 204
[MICHELLE walks off confused. She can’t imagine herself marrying this youngster.]


SHEEPMAN TWO
Dave, you have saved this town from Phil and his menace.

SHEEPMAN THREE
We are indebted to you, son.

BETH
Dave. You‟re wonderful!

RICARDO
Caballero! Felicitaciones!

DAVE
Well, you can thank Johnny for the inspiration. It was his rubber. I just got good aim is
all.

SHEEPMAN ONE
This is a day that will go down in history.

HOMESTEADER ONE
This is a day to celebrate.

THE KIDS
We love you Dave!

ALL

[The scene changes gradually through the song from the grassy dueling spot to Sam’s
Saloon. The scenery changes as if the HOMESTEADERS are marching from the river
into town.]

HE'S GOT THE BRAIN
HE'S GOT THE HEART
HERE COMES THE BRAVE
WE'RE SHOWERING WITH PRAISES

HE'S GOT THE WHOLE GAME
SEWN UP IN HIS HAND
THAT'S RIGHT
HE BEAT THE COWBOY
CAUSE HE'S MORE BRIGHT

WE LIFT A GLASS TO OUR LAD



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 7                        Page 60 of 204
LIGHT OF OUR LAMP
HERE'S TO A WINNER
GIVE THREE CHEERS
FOR THE FRONT RUNNING CHAMP

SO LET THE BAND PLAY
AS WE CELEBRATE THIS DAY

SUCH A LONG WAIT
FOR A NEW START
WE THOUGHT OUR WORLD
WAS GOING ALL TO BLAZES

BUT WE WERE WRONG
TO BE DOWN IN THE MOUTH
YES SIR
WE GOT OUR ANSWER
IN A SHEPHERD

WE'VE GOT A REAL LIVE ANGEL
RIGHT HERE ON EARTH
OUR PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED
GIVE THREE CHEERS FOR THE DAY OF HIS BIRTH

AND LET THE FOLKS SAY
THAT THE LEADER'S ON HIS WAY.

The scene is now at Sam’s Saloon. The music becomes ebullient and everybody is
dancing. DAVE starts showing off some steps and the people are loving it. He is joined by
MABEL and JOHNNY and TWO HOMESTEADER GALS. Mugs of beer are being passed
to DAVE continually, who gets drunker and wilder in his steps. Now he is so hot that he
has to unbutton his shirt and the HOMESTEADERS roar their approval, with the
exception of Saul and Michelle, who are a bit nervous about this drunken go-go boy
becoming an heir to the family fortune. The dance gets rowdier and rowdier until DAVE
is out of his shirt, now joined by other shirtless HOMESTEADERS. Finally, a beer being
passed to DAVE is spilled on his jeans, so, in his current condition, he decides that the
best thing to do is to let TWO HOMESTEADER GALS help him off with them. Now he is
in Johnny’s Jockey Bicycle Strap as the dance becomes wilder, with DAVE doing
something like a cowboy can can dance. The music volume lowers and the lights switch
to the bar so that the dancing goes on silently as the following dialog occurs.

SAM
That boy sure can kick! Reminds me of Andy Jackson. He liked to dance, too.

SAUL
That boy is not Andy Jackson.



Dave and Johnny                      Act I/Scene 7                        Page 61 of 204
SAM
Of course, Andy Jackson normally kept his clothes on. But he liked to dance just the same.
Specially after any time he killed a few Indians. [Sam sees that CHIEF RUNNING BULL has
overheard him.] No disrespect, Chief Running Bull.

CHIEF RUNNING BULL
[sarcastically] Ugh!

MABEL
Michelle, that is your future husband. You‟re gonna have a lot of fun with him.

MICHELLE
Poppa, I can‟t marry that boy. He hasn‟t quite growed up yet.

SAUL
No. You ain‟t gonna have to marry that boy.

MABEL
If Michelle don‟t want him, can I marry him pa? I‟ll take good care of him.

MICHELLE
Mabel, he ain‟t a pet.

MABEL
Well you promised him your hand if he saved Pa‟s ranch, and he did, so if you don‟t want
him, I‟m older than you anyway…I‟ll take him.

MICHELLE
He ain‟t a piece of livestock for us to barter over, Mabel. He‟s a kid. A nice, dumb, lucky
little hillbilly kid…who likes to sing! And nobody is gonna marry him, not you nor me!
He‟s just a kid!

SAUL
He‟s just a gol dang dab nab it doggedy ding dong doodly little boy. You said it Michelle.

MICHELLE
What are we gonna‟ do?

SAUL
Don‟t you worry about a thing. I got everything under control.

SAM
Saul, you sleepin‟ better these days?



Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 7                         Page 62 of 204
SAUL
I got me a house musician who plays sweet songs and wins me the title to Phil Steiner‟s
Ranch. How could I not be sleepin‟ well these days, Sam?

SAM
Well, it‟s always nice when the youngsters bring you good luck. If it weren‟t for the
young „uns, we wouldn‟t be nowhere. It‟s the young „uns got the spirit. The drive. The
ingenuity. [He is saying these things as DAVE’s dance gets lewder and lewder.]

SAUL
Well, this young „un‟s got the spirit all right, and he‟s gonna have a dilly of a hangover
before suppertime. Gals, we best get home. You can help Pierre prepare for tonight‟s
victory party, and I‟ll think of something to tell the boy that won‟t hurt his feelings.

SAM
Saul, that boy is mighty popular right about now. He may be young, but he‟s mighty
popular. You ought take that into account before you dismiss him. And you did make a
promise.

SAUL
Thank you, Sam. Your words of counsel always make a heap of sense. A heap of sense.
[turning toward the crowd] Hey, everybody. Let‟s get this champion home for a well
deserved rest. Then I invite all you and your kin to a victory celebration party tonight
after supper.

The HOMESTEADERS cheer and carry DAVE off as the music swells.



Scene 8

Wednesday night. Saul’s ranch house is now decorated for a fancy celebration. A
Mexican marimba TRIO is playing the WYOMING WALTZ, practicing for the upcoming
event. RICARDO, PIERRE, MICHELLE, and MABEL are setting a supper table.
JOHNNY is reading Freud on the sofa with DAVE stretched out sleeping beside him.

SAUL
If music be the love of food, play on!

JOHNNY
The food of love, Daddy.

SAUL
That‟s purty music boys. Muy goodo. Muy goodo. What‟s it called? Ricardo, ask „em the
name of that tune.




Dave and Johnny                          Act I/Scene 7                       Page 63 of 204
RICARDO
Gusta al Senor Saul su canción. Cómo se llama?


FIRST MUSICIAN
Se llama Wyoming Waltz.

JOHNNY
Wyoming Waltz, Daddy.

SAUL
I got that much. Why don‟t you boys take a break while me and my family have supper?

RICARDO
Ustedes pueden descansar mientras la familia cena.

SECOND MUSICIAN
Gracias. [The TRIO exits.]

PIERRE
[He’s holding a mixing bowl and wooden spoon.] Monsieur Saul, I make so much food
for the guests, We need more place to put the plate (“plot”).

SAUL
How many “plots” you got?

PIERRE
Oh. So many “plot.” I make the duck a l‟orange, the chicken framboise, the eagle flambé

SAUL
What?

PIERRE
Just a joke. It is hawk flambé.

SAUL
Ricardo, go out to the shed with Johnny. We‟re gonna need an extra table to set grub on.

JOHNNY
Okay, Daddy. Vamonos, Ricardo. [RICARDO and JOHNNY exit.]

PIERRE
I never have cook so many foods delicieuse like this. I make this a party for remember
always. People will say that never before Pierre make so much pleasure to the guest of
the Lazy S‟s. Especially, they will speak for years of the wonderful crepe of Pierre.




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 8                       Page 64 of 204
SAUL
Speaking of which, I think I hear Mother Nature calling.
[Just as Saul opens the door to go outside, BETH SHIVERS is at the door.]
Well, hello Beth, come on in. Ricardo‟s with Johnny getting a table.

BETH
Thank you Mr. Saul. Something smells delicious!

SAUL
You might be smelling Pierre‟s crepe. Excuse me. [SAUL exits.]

PIERRE
No, Mademoiselle Beth. I am not making crepe now. You are smelling the mousse.

BETH
You‟re serving moose tonight?

PIERRE
Yes, Mademoiselle. It is the most sweet mousse you ever try.

BETH
I never ate sweet moose meat before. Salted once.

PIERRE
No, no. Not meat. Mousse au chocolat. You wish to try?

[He holds out the spoon temptingly. BETH takes a taste as MABEL walks in to observe.]

BETH
Oh, Pierre. You are a magician.

PIERRE
Does my cooking give you pleasure?

BETH
Oh, yes. Real pleasure!

PIERRE
Maybe you want more little taste?

BETH
I don‟t think I should.

PIERRE
Why, Mademoiselle? My mousse do not bite.

[BETH takes another erotic taste of the spoon as RICARDO and JOHNNY enter.]


Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 8                       Page 65 of 204
JOHNNY
Hoo-eey! Pierre, looks like you have seduced another young lady with your magic spoon.

RICARDO
Que es esto?

MABEL
Yeah, Pierre. Que es esto?

PIERRE
Mademoiselle Beth is only probing my mousse.

MABEL
I can see that.

JOHNNY
If she probes anymore, you‟re gonna need a license.

BETH
Don‟t be ridiculous. I was tasting Pierre‟s cooking to see if he was sweet enough. If IT
was sweet enough.

MABEL
Pierre‟s cooking is very sweet, Beth. You don‟t have to probe it any futther.

RICARDO
Senorita Beth. Can we have a conversation outside?

BETH
Why, Ricardo. I‟d love to have a conversation outside.

[RICARDO and BETH open the door as SAUL is entering.]

SAUL
Aren‟t you two staying for supper? Johnny, you‟d better wake up the hero.
Goldaggitynabbit, somethin‟ smells good in the kitchen! [SAUL goes into the kitchen.]

[JOHNNY nudges Dave to waken him.]

JOHNNY
Hey, partner. It‟s time to wake up.

DAVE
[hung over and queasy] Why is the house turning?




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 8                         Page 66 of 204
JOHNNY
I think you celebrated a might much.

DAVE
I had this dream that I decked Gil Wyeth.

JOHNNY
You did. Partner. We‟re about to celebrate that very fact. But first I got something in my
room I want to show you.

DAVE
You do?

JOHNNY
I do.

DAVE
Well, prop me up and lead the way.

[JOHNNY helps DAVE up and they exit to his bedroom. We are left with MABEL and
PIERRE.]

PIERRE
Mademoiselle Mabel. You do not think that I have special feeling for Mademoiselle Beth
only because I let her probe my mousse.

MABEL
You‟re always doing that, Pierre. You stick food in a girl‟s mouth and make her feel like
she‟s the queen of France.

PIERRE
For me, Mademoiselle Mabel, you are the only Queen. You are the Queen of Wyoming.
You are the only one who truly appreciate my cooking.

MABEL
Is that all you want from a woman, Pierre? Someone who will fall for your food?

PIERRE
Mademoiselle Mabel. You think I am like a little rabbit, hopping from one bunny to the
next bunny only to let them taste my carrot. But I want to be your rabbit. Who is the one
the children are reading now? The Peter Cottonmouth?

MABEL
Peter Cottontail.




Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 8                        Page 67 of 204
PIERRE
Yes. I am your Pierre Cottontail. [romantically] Your Peter Cottontail

MABEL
You‟re always hopping from one girl to the next to impress her with your cuisine.

PIERRE
I am „opping the most for you. And if I „op around a lot, it don‟t mean that I don‟t „op
back „ome „ere to the „appy „ut. I‟m smart enough to know who have the most fluffy fur.

MABEL
So I‟ve got the fluffiest fur?

PIERRE
By far! Everybody know you are the most elegant bunny in the garden.

MABEL
I suppose I could get used to you and your erratic European ways even though I did not
exactly intend to end up with a Jacques rabbit for a beau.

PIERRE
Not a Jacques rabbit.

I AM YOUR PETER COTTONTAIL
I BRING YOU GOODS
FROM MACGREGOR’S FARM

MABEL
AND YOU’LL BE CAUGHT

PIERRE
NO I ‘OP BENEATH THE GATE
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT
I MAKE IT BACK IN TIME UN’ARMED

MABEL
YOU’LL LOSE YOUR TROUSERS

PIERRE
BUT I ‘AVE A BUNCH
OF CARROTS FOR LUNCH
AND MAYBE A BEET
OR TWO

MABEL
I LIKE TURNIPS



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 8                       Page 68 of 204
PIERRE
YOU WILL ‘AVE A PILE
I WILL ‘OP A MILE
TO BRING ZEM TO YOU

MABEL
YOU’LL BE MY PETER COTTONTAIL
I’LL BE AT HOME WITH SUPPER FOR TWO

PIERRE
I WILL GET THERE EARLY

MABEL
YOU’LL BE THERE ONLY AFTER EV’RY BUNNY
HAS BEEN HOPPING FOR A LITTLE FEAST WITH YOU

PIERRE
WHEN I’M AT THE ‘UTCH
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
SO PUT ON A POT
OF TEA
FOR ME
AND ZEN WHEN I’VE ‘AD ENOUGH
OF YOUR LOVELY FLUFF
MAKE A POT FOR THREE.

MABEL                                                  PIERRE
WHEN YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH                                 WHEN I’VE ‘AD ENOUGH
OF MY LOVELY FLUFF                                     OF YOUR LOVELY FLUFF
I'LL MAKE TEA FOR THREE.                               MAKE A POT FOR THREE.
They kiss.


Scene 9
Wednesday night. Johnny’s bedroom. JOHNNY is at his armoire and DAVE is seated on
the bed.

DAVE
So what you got to show me?

JOHNNY
If you‟re going to be part of this household, then you‟re gonna have to look like you‟re
part of this household. [JOHNNY opens the armoire to reveal his fancy clothes. He pulls
out a pair of matching cowboy duds.]
I‟ve got way too many clothes. Now I can put some of them to good use. Here. Try these
on.



Dave and Johnny                      Act I/Scene 8                        Page 69 of 204
DAVE
Well I‟ll be a heifer in heat in a herd. You‟re givin‟ me your clothes?

JOHNNY
Well, if we‟re gonna be partners, you gotta look as good as me.

DAVE
Partners?

JOHNNY
Sure. With my book learning and your daring, we can go places together. Don‟t you think?

DAVE
Yes, I do think. Not as good as you. But I‟d be proud to be called your partner.

JOHNNY
The way I see it, when two people complement each other‟s abilities, they were meant to
be a unit. That way, they can each be better than they would be alone.

DAVE
I like that idea. Partners! I ain‟t never had no partner!

JOHNNY
Me neither.

DAVE
Put „er there partner!

JOHNNY
Partner!

[This song is sung while the boys get into their spiffy cowboy duds. By the end of the song,
they look like a pair.]

WILL YOU BE MY PARTNER?
RIDING HIGHWAYS INTO THE SUN
WILL YOU BE MY BEST FRIEND
BY MY SIDE, TILL DAY IS DONE?
TO CHEER ME ON
WHEN I'VE HAD A DAY THAT'S GONE ALL WRONG.
WILL YOU BE MY MAIN ADVISOR, ORGANIZER
FOREMOST ENERGIZER, BOUNCING BOARD..
ALL THIS AND MORE?
PLEASE BE MY PARTNER.
IF YOU'LL BE MY PARTNER,



Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 9                       Page 70 of 204
I'LL BE YOURS.
JOIN ME.
WE'LL SAIL THE SKY AND LOOK FOR STARS.
WE'LL LAND ON PLANETS--VENUS, MARS.
WE'LL LASSO COMETS.
IF YOU'LL BE MY MEILLEUR AMI,
WE’LL GO FAR!

DAVE

I WILL BE YOUR PARTNER
RUSTLIN’ HEIFERS, HAVIN’ SOME FUN
I WILL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND
BY YOUR SIDE, TILL DAY IS DONE
TO CHEER YOU ON
WHEN YOU'VE HAD A DAY THAT'S GONE ALL WRONG.
I WILL BE YOUR MAIN ADVISOR, ORGANIZER
FOREMOST ENERGIZER, BOUNCING BOARD..
ALL THIS AND MORE.
I'LL BE YOUR PARTNER.
YES, I'LL BE YOUR PARTNER,
WE'LL BE YOU AND ME.
TO SAIL THE SKY AND LOOK FOR STARS.
TO LAND ON PLANETS--VENUS, MARS.
WE'LL LASSO COMETS.
NOW THAT I'M YOUR AMIGO, SI!
WE’LL GO FAR!


Scene 10

Wednesday night. Back to the living room. The mariachi band is playing the PARTNER
music in the background as RICARDO and BETH return from outside. and go to the
table together. Then MABEL and PIERRE come in from the kitchen together and take
their seats. SAUL and MICHELLE arrive separately, but at the same time, from their
bedrooms. The six are seated as DAVE and JOHNNY make their entrance in their fancy
duds. ALL stare. DAVE and JOHNNY take their seats opposite each other.]

SAUL
Before we set down to our meal, I think it would be appropriate to say a few words about
Miranda. Miranda was gentle and sweet, never hot tempered, never angry. Miranda left
behind three young „uns, three lambs who will always miss their mama. Miranda
provided us with such beautiful things, like pretty sweaters and scarves, and I just wanna
apologize to Miranda for knockin‟ her on the head, slittin‟ her throat, and hangin‟ her
upside down to bleed to death so that she could become this delicious dinner which is set
before us now, so delicately prepared by Pierre‟s professional hands. So thank you Lord



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 9                        Page 71 of 204
for lettin‟ Miranda be a part of our lives, and thank you Miranda for your sacrifice. You
can be sure that we‟re gonna enjoy every juicy bite of you. Amen.

JOHNNY [to Dave]
Daddy kinda mixes a European prayer and an Indian prayer. He thanks God for the
dinner, and then he thanks the dinner.

DAVE
Well, I‟m sure I woulda‟ loved Miranda as much as you all did. But if you don‟t mind,
now that my flock is mixed in with yours, Saul, I‟d kinda like to keep my sheep for
shearin‟ and not for dinin‟. I prefer not to eat anybody I cuddle with.

SAUL
We‟ll respect your wishes, then. Uh, what do you mean--cuddle?

DAVE
I don‟t know how Michelle feels about it, but since I‟m gonna be her husband, I thought I
would make it plain that I prefer to eat animals that I don‟t know very well. Like fish.
You can‟t really get to know a fish.

JOHNNY
What about birds?

DAVE
I don‟t have many bird acquaintances, but there‟s this one who comes to my window sill
of my cabin and sings. I wouldn‟t eat her. On the other hand, there‟s this dad gammit
rooster who never shuts up and I‟d be glad to put him in a fryer.

MICHELLE
Dave, there‟s a whole lot of animals out there that would eat you if they had the chance.

JOHNNY
Yeah. And little critters wanna eat you too, like teeny tiny viruses. It‟s a dog eat dog
world out there, Dave.

DAVE
Oh, I know that the big fish eat the little fish. But I just don‟t think friends should eat
each other.

MABEL
Well, that‟s a philosophy that‟s hard to argue with, ain‟t it Poppa.

SAUL
Dave, about you bein‟ Michelle‟s husband.




Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 10                          Page 72 of 204
DAVE
What about it?

SAUL
Oh, I was just thinkin‟ that this whole idea of you and her getting‟ hitched without any
courtin‟ would be a mistake.

DAVE
Courtin‟?

SAUL
You know. Gettin‟ to know one another.

DAVE
Ain‟t that what marriage is for? Gettin‟ to know one another? It‟s right there in the Bible.
First they get married. Then they get to know each other.

SAUL
And for all you know, after you get to know her, you might decide you might not like her.

DAVE
What‟s not to like? She‟s beautiful. Like me. [DAVE smiles lovingly at her.]

SAUL
Don‟t you wanna get to know a lot of other women before you make your choice?

DAVE
Not right now, thanks. At this point, I‟m happy with Michelle.

SAUL
You can‟t marry Michelle!

DAVE
Why not?

SAUL
You‟re too young.

DAVE
Too young for what? Too young to risk my life in a duel for you so that you can have
control over more land and grow your business?

JOHNNY
Whoa! Daddy, irony mixed with logic! Nice goin‟, partner.




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 10                         Page 73 of 204
SAUL
You want to be a man? I‟ll tell you how you can prove to me and Michelle that you‟re a
man. How you can be worthy of her beauty and my riches. I know you concocted a neat
contraption to knock over a stupid cowboy, but I wanna know that you have what it takes
to run a real operation, to be a real hombre if you marry my daughter. I want you to
perform a mission to prove your manhood.

DAVE
What sort of mission?

SAUL
Well, how about rustlin‟ up twenty head of cattle?

DAVE
Twenty head of cattle?

SAUL
Ain‟t you up to the task? I could use a few more head of cattle on this ranch.

DAVE
How do you suppose I‟m gonna rustle you up twenty head of cattle?

JOHNNY
Daddy, this is ridiculous.

SAUL
Didn‟t you say you could solve any problem with patience, creativity, and time? There
are plenty of mavericks out there if you look hard enough. It‟s springtime. Cows are
droppin‟ unbranded calves every which a way. You just gotta look for „em.

DAVE
There ain‟t no way I‟m gonna find twenty mavericks bouncin‟ around the Dusty River
Valley.

SAUL
Well, you figure it out. I just want you to rustle me up twenty head of cattle to prove that
you can provide for my precious daughter. That ain‟t too much to ask.

JOHNNY
Daddy, this is outrageous. This is—

The HOMESTEADERS open Saul’s door.

HOMESTEADER ONE
Are we early?




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 10                         Page 74 of 204
SAUL
Hell, no, you ain‟t early. You arrived just at the right time.

The HOMESTEADERS and the MARIACHI TRIO fill up the house. Suddenly there is a
party with colorful western hoe down dress. The WYOMING WALTZ is played and
couples start to dance. MABEL, PIERRE and RICARDO clear the table and set out party
food in place of the dinners that were barely eaten.

BETH
Dave, can I have a dance?

DAVE
[a bit flustered by the previous dinner discussion, he quickly regains himself] Why, I‟d be
delighted.

DAVE and BETH dance.

PIERRE
Mabel, you have tried my petit fours? I make them the way you like them.

MABEL
[Pierre lovingly feeds them to Mabel.] Pierre, I love you!

RICARDO asks MICHELLE to dance. MICHELLE dances with him but eyes Dave with
Beth the whole time. She is beginning to realize that he is not the empty vessel she had
thought he was, but that he is, behind that innocent face, complicated and mysterious.

Other couples are dancing until the room fills up with people doing the waltz. A circle is
created in which men are on the outside and women on the inside and DAVE initiates a
switch clockwise so that everybody changes partner and MICHELLE and DAVE are now
a couple. For the first time, dancing with him, she realizes that he is quite possibly
someone with potential and she gradually holds him closer. As soon as she does, DAVE
initiates another switch so that he is dancing with MABEL. Finally, DAVE initiates one
more switch that takes JOHNNY away from a HOMESTEADER WOMAN. DAVE dances
with JOHNNY, and MABEL, without hesitation, takes the HOMESTEADER WOMAN.

As this configuration is dancing, with SAUL and MICHELLE scowling from their various
positions, PHIL STEINER enters with his wife and son, PHYLLIS and FRANKIE.
Everything comes to a dead stop. SAUL walks over to the Steiners.

SAUL
My Goodness. If this isn‟t the act of graciousness! The Steiners paying their respects
after losing their ranch. I am flabbergasted to the point of breathlessness.

PHIL
Saul, you know my wife, Phyllis.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 10                       Page 75 of 204
SAUL
Phyllis Steiner, welcome to my ranch.

PHIL
My son, Frankie.

SAUL
Little Frankie Steiner. How you have growed so!

PHIL
We have not come to pay our respects.

SAUL
Oh, you have not?

PHIL
We have come to serve you notice that after due consideration the Sherona County
Cattlemen‟s Consortium have agreed that today‟s little gathering does not, in fact,
constitute anything that could be construed to mean that titles of property have
legitimately transferred from one party to another.

SAUL
What are you sayin‟ you Limey Lizard. Speak in a language a normal person can
understand.

PHIL
That your boy cheated in today‟s duel, so it doesn‟t count and I am not giving you my
ranch. I am staying put, and you will continue to keep your sheep on your side of the
deadline or there will be the usual consequences.

DAVE and JOHNNY
What?

SAUL
Why of all the dagnacious ding dawdly doodle dashin dad gam blasted blow bustin--

PHIL
Don‟t have a heart attack in front of your guests.

SAUL
Cheated? How?

PHIL
That rubber sling shooter your boy used hurled a projectile at so horrific a speed as to fell a man
like Gil Wyeth that it technically can be considered a gun.


Dave and Johnny                           Act I/Scene 10                            Page 76 of 204
JOHNNY
A gun??

PHIL
A rudimentary gun to be sure. But it had the effect of a pistol.

SAUL
We agreed that nothing with gun powder could be used. That was rubber and a stick.

PHIL
We said no guns! And that shooter was, albeit quite primitive, a bona fide gun.

SAUL
You skunk! You weasel! You lizard!You snake! You worm! You cockroach!

PHIL
I am impressed by your knowledge of the animal kingdom taxonomy, but I must be off.
My family and I were just passing by and I thought I should clarify any misapprehensions
you may have had about the import of this morning‟s frivolities.

DAVE
I shoulda taken Gil‟s head off! And yours too!

PHIL
Well, maybe Saul will let you marry his little girl anyway, although the cowboys tell me
that anybody itching to know her ends up itching after knowing her, if you know what I
mean. Shall we go?

[The STEINERS start to exit but FRANKIE runs up to DAVE quickly .]

FRANKIE
Dave, could I possibly have your autograph?

PHIL
Frankie!

FRANKIE
Yes, Pater!

[The STEINERS exit.]

DAVE
He is sleazier than a slug slidin‟ in slime.




Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 10                     Page 77 of 204
SAUL
Europeans! It makes me sick to think that we are in some way related to them!

JOHNNY
Well, that‟s life in Wyoming. Everybody‟s Sisyphus rolling a rock up and down a hill.

SAUL
Must you flaunt your fairy book learnin‟ in front of company?

HOMESTEADER TWO
Saul, you was robbed!

HOMESTEADER THREE
What you gonna do about that Saul?

DAVE
I‟ll tell you what he‟s gonna do about that! He‟s gonna get even!

HOMESTEADER ONE
You got another trick up your sleeve boy?

DAVE
Maybe. But now‟s not the time for business. We got a party to put on. [grabs MICHELLE]
Música, muchachos!

The TRIO resumes the Waltz. DAVE assertively leads MICHELLE, who submits, and
everybody else joins the waltz as SAUL looks on in trepidation. It is clear that Dave is
starting to make himself at home. The music crescendos while there is a slow blackout.


Scene 11
Thursday morning. Johnny’s room. This time JOHNNY is asleep while DAVE is up,
working at an easel with sheets of paper. He draws the three U’s of Phil’s Triple U
Ranch with a fat Crayola crayon. Then he tears off a sheet and does the same thing again.
JOHNNY wakes up.

JOHNNY
Is that some kind of Art Nouveau?

DAVE
No, it ain‟t art. And who ever thought that you could draw lines this deep and colorful
with a candle?

JOHNNY
That isn‟t a candle. That‟s a new thing they came out with called a Crayola crayon. Isn‟t
it terrific? They make them with eight different colors and they‟re promisin‟ more.



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 10                       Page 78 of 204
DAVE
It is ripsniptitious. And it‟s drawin‟ the ticket to my wedding.

JOHNNY
Tickets are usually smaller and more finely crafted.

DAVE
Your pa wants me to rustle up some cattle, and I just figured out how we‟re gonna do it.

JOHNNY
We? Dave, I‟m not much of a cowboy, and I‟m certainly not a rustler.

DAVE
It‟s a trick I learned from my brothers. You see this? You recognize it?

JOHNNY
Three cups? A cow‟s udder?

DAVE
This is the brand of Phil‟s Triple U Ranch.

JOHNNY
Oh, sure. I recognize it. So what of it?

DAVE
And your pa‟s brand is this. [He displays a previously drawn page of the three Lazy S’s.]

JOHNNY
That‟s us. The three lazy S‟s.

DAVE
Well, don‟t you see? All you gotta do is take Phil‟s Triple U brand, turn it upside down,
and move it just a bit to the right, and you got three lazy S‟s!

JOHNNY
Well, I‟ll be a skunk, if that isn‟t the most ingenious thing I‟ve ever seen! You‟re right!
You can change Phil‟s brand into our brand using his own gol darned branding iron!

DAVE
All we‟s got to do is to put out the lights of those dumb beef heads who tend to Phil‟s
cattle, borrow his brand, and get to work!

JOHNNY
And we know how to do that with your ingenious [holds up the sling shot that felled Gil
Wyeth] lights-putter-outer!



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 11                         Page 79 of 204
DAVE
Ain‟t technology wonderful?

Thursday afternoon. The scene changes to the grazing pasture by the Dusty River which
was previously the site of Dave and Gil’s duel. TIGE AND HARRY are rolling cigarettes
while four COWS graze. The PARTNER music is heard, with the boys whistling it, as
DAVE and JOHNNY, from a distance, use their respective sling shots on the two cowboys.
DAVE zaps TIGE, who goes unconscious. As soon as HARRY moves over to see why his
partner has gone to sleep, JOHNNY zaps him so that HARRY is straddled across TIGE’s
lap with his butt up. DAVE and JOHNNY shake hands.

They find a branding iron from the Triple U ranch and DAVE converts each of Phil’s
cows into SAUL’s cows by giving the cow a lump of sugar and then inverting the
branding iron and creating a Lazy S’s brand, surprising the cow a little but not hurting it
much. JOHNNY pushes each rustled cow off stage right. The same four cows can act as
twenty by returning stage left to be branded, one after the other. The cows have slightly
different personalities and reactions to the branding, and some may need an extra lump
of sugar to keep them from complaining.

Once all but the last cow is herded off, DAVE holds the branding iron menacingly over
HARRY’s butt, but JOHNNY signals his disapproval and DAVE puts down the iron and
pats Harry’s fanny tenderly. He finds the fanny fun to play with and JOHNNY has to urge
him away. DAVE laughingly rejoins JOHNNY, who pats Dave’s butt a few times as they
sashay off with the last cow, the music swelling, and a beautiful sunset crowning their
feat.

The scenery changes until they get to the Lazy S’s ranch. The pen stage right is filled
with five sheep and a cow and from stage left, DAVE and JOHNNY usher in the new cows.
Again, the same four cows will represent the twenty by circling back behind the curtain.

SAUL comes out the front door with MICHELLE and RICARDO.

SAUL
Where in the name of Jumpin‟ Jack Rabbit Jemima did you get them cattle?

DAVE
They‟re your cattle, Dad-in-law!

SAUL
My cattle?

DAVE
See the brand! Lazy S‟s brand on each and everyone of the dear little dogies. Your cattle,
signed, sealed and delivered. How‟s about that?




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 11                        Page 80 of 204
Saul goes over to the cows to check the brand.

SAUL
That is our brand. Although it seems a might larger than usual.

JOHNNY
Well, you know how brands stretch as cows get bigger. They‟re your cattle.

MICHELLE
Where‟d you get them from? They‟re too big to be mavericks.

DAVE
Well, darlin‟, these cows like my sugar. So they decided to come home with me. Do you
like my sugar? [He grabs her for a kiss and she pushes him away.]

MICHELLE
You rustled those cows!

DAVE
What do you mean rustled?

MABEL
But Michelle, they got our brand on „em. Look right here! Except this one‟s a little
crookedy.

DAVE
That‟s our brand all right, Mabel. Cow prob‟ly fidgeted a bit when the brand hit.

RICARDO
Señor Johnny, cómo ganaron tanto ganado?

JOHNNY
Un truco de marcar con hierro candente. [Johnny acts out the reverse branding scheme.]

RICARDO
Qué maravilloso! [he laughs loudly] Dave, you are a genius!

DAVE
Well, I ain‟t had no book learnin‟.

RICARDO
Cabellero! Qué tan gallo este hombre!

SAUL
Well, I‟ll be a sow suckin‟ slop after Sunday supper!

PHIL STEINER enters in a tizzy, with FRANKIE sauntering behind.


Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 11                        Page 81 of 204
PHIL
Saul Strongman, you are a cow thief!

SAUL
Who‟s callin‟ me a thief?

PHIL
I‟m missing twenty head of cattle.

SAUL
Well, why don‟t you pass by more often? I ain‟t seen you and your ugly kid since last
night!

FRANKIE
Hi, Dave!

DAVE
Hello, Frankie. I like your tie. Did they make that in England?

FRANKIE
It‟s French silk. Feel it. Really. Feel it.

PHIL
Don‟t touch that tie! Gil, check the brands on those cows! [Gil does so.]

JOHNNY
Our cows are our cows with our brand!

DAVE
Take a look for yourself, Gil. Them cows all have the Lazy S‟s brand.

PHIL
Saul, you never had so many cows. You‟re a sheep man.

SAUL (with a Mexican accent)
Oh, I not so sheep. Sontines I willing to pay a high price--for the good beef.


PHIL looks over the brands of the stolen cows suspiciously.

PHIL
You are going to be very sorry for toying with me.

SAUL
You‟re gonna be sorry for being a wearisome, welching weasel.



Dave and Johnny                          Act I/Scene 11                      Page 82 of 204
PHIL
You think you‟re very lucky. But your luck is going to run out sooner than you think.

SAUL
Oh, I don‟t think so. In fact, I‟m so lucky, my daughter‟s engaged to be married. You‟re
invited to the wedding.

MICHELLE
The wedding?

SAUL
Of course. You wouldn‟t wanna wed Dave without the Steiners bein‟ there, would you
honey?

DAVE
Of course they‟re invited. We‟d love to have you.

FRANKIE
Oh, goodie! A wedding!

DAVE
That‟s right, Frankie, and you can bear the ring.

PHIL
You think you‟re adorable, don‟t you?

DAVE
Well, that‟s the rumor.

PHIL
You have a lovely smile. It would be a shame if someday it were missing some teeth.

DAVE
We‟ll see you at the wedding then?

FRANKIE
Bye, Dave.

DAVE
Bye Frankie. [Flirting with the adoring Frankie.] You know, that really is a nice tie, did
your Pa buy that for you?

PHIL
Frankie. We‟re going!




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 11                        Page 83 of 204
[PHIL and FRANKIE exit.]

DAVE
[Smiling to Saul] Daddy!

SAUL
I guess so.

MICHELLE
Pa?

SAUL
Well, Michelle. We made a promise. I know he‟s a bit childlike, but I‟m guessin‟ he‟ll
grow on you.

DAVE
Oh, I will, Michelle. I grow up a little every day.

JOHNNY
Congratulations, partner!

DAVE
And you‟re my best man!

JOHNNY
You bet I am!

[They eye each other adoringly and MICHELLE looks at the boys uneasily.]

SAUL
Come on boys, let‟s leave these two lovebirds alone so they can talk about….about…

DAVE
The wedding.


SAUL
The wedding.

SAUL, JOHNNY and RICARDO exit.

MICHELLE
I guess we did make you a promise.

DAVE
I just guess you did.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 11                     Page 84 of 204
MICHELLE
But you are a bit childish.

DAVE
Childlike.

MICHELLE
I wish my Ma was alive to see me get married.

DAVE
Me, too.

MICHELLE
You think our Ma‟s are still around in some way, able to sense what we‟re doin‟?

DAVE
My Pa used to say that he could see my Ma and talk to her whenever he really needed to.
He said that when you loved a person a whole heap, then they could come back to you if
you needed them. Course, my Ma died when I was young, so I barely remember her.

MICHELLE
Oh, I remember Mama.

DAVE
If you really loved your Ma, I‟m sure she‟ll come visit you when you need her.

MICHELLE
You are kinda sweet. I guess I coulda‟ done worse.

DAVE
Much worse! I‟m gonna help Johnny make out wedding invitations on his Remington.

MICHELLE
You really like my brother, don‟t you?

DAVE
I love your brother! [DAVE exits with a long, loving look at Michelle.]

MICHELLE
Mama. I wish you was here to help me through this. This kid is a lovable character, but
he is a character. I wish you was here so I could talk to you about him.

Noma
[appearing in a radiant light stage right]
But I am here. I‟m always here. You know that.



Dave and Johnny                      Act I/Scene 11                       Page 85 of 204
MICHELLE
Oh, Mama. Life is so hard to understand. I thought I was gonna marry somebody strong,
steady and serious, with a nice piece of land, making a good living. Someone I could
have kids with knowin‟ they‟d be provided for.

Noma
Don‟t you think your father will make sure that his grandchildren are provided for?

MICHELLE
Mama. Daddy‟s kinda crazy. I‟m not sure I can depend solely on him.

Noma
I guess you‟re right.

MICHELLE
That he‟s crazy?

Noma
No. That you‟re not sure. You can‟t be sure about anything.

MICHELLE
Mama, should I really marry this boy?

Noma
You should give him the desert island test.

MICHELLE
Desert island?


NOMA

IF YOU LANDED
JUST YOU BOTH
ON A BEACH
WITH NO MORE BOAT
FOR ALL TIME

JUST YOUR ISLAND
AND THE OCEAN
AND HIS SMILE

COULD YOU BE THERE
FOREVER MORE
UPON YOUR DESERT ISLE



Dave and Johnny                      Act I/Scene 11                       Page 86 of 204
AND BE GLAD YOU HAD TO

IF YOU COULD STAND
TO BE ON THAT STRAND

HE’S YOUR GUY.

MICHELLE

IF WE LANDED
JUST US BOTH
ON A BEACH
WITH NO MORE BOAT

FOR ALL TIME

JUST OUR ISLAND
AND THE OCEAN
AND HIS SMILE

COULD I BE THERE
FOREVER MORE
UPON OUR DESERT ISLE
AND BE GLAD I HAD TO

YES, I COULD STAND
TO BE ON THAT STRAND

HE’S MY GUY.

NOMA and MICHELLE

HE’S MY/YOUR GUY.

[NOMA blows Michelle a kiss, which she returns.]


Scene 12

Saturday afternoon. The Sherona Chapel. The Desert Island music continues. SAM is the
pastor, upstage, facing the audience. Everybody is present: stage right are seated some
HOMESTEADERS, the COWBOYS, the STEINERS, and stage left are some other
HOMESTEADERS, the STRONGMANS minus Michelle, PIERRE, RICARDO, and BETH,
all with their backs to the audience.




Dave and Johnny                     Act I/Scene 11                     Page 87 of 204
SAM
Welcome, dearly beloved citizens of Sherona County. Today is a special day in the great
young state of Wyoming because we are going to unite some lovely young people from
some lovely families. The Jessen family gives us the groom and the Strongarm family
gives us the lovely bride.

MABEL
Strongman!

SAM
I‟m sorry?

SAUL
We‟re the Strongmans, Sam. But that‟s okay. We got strong arms, too. [laughter]

SAM
Well, there shouldn‟t be no arms in a church. This is a wedding, not a duel.

MABEL
Go on, Sam! You‟re doin‟ fine.

SAM
And the groom should now step forward. Who gives away the groom?

DAVE
[entering from behind Sam in the clothes Johnny gave him]
I give away myself.

SAM
Then stand here young man and await your destiny. Whoa, boy. You look mighty fine in
those duds. Are you with Buffalo Bill‟s rodeo?

DAVE
No, Sam. Johnny gave me these duds. He‟s gonna be my brother-in-law and partner.

SAM
Oh. Then come up here young Johnny and stand beside your partner.

DAVE
No, Sam. I‟m marryin‟ Michelle, Johnny‟s sister.

SAM
Oh, Michelle. I know Michelle. Nice girl. Is she here?

DAVE
Yes, Sam. You‟re gonna marry us.



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 12                       Page 88 of 204
SAM
I‟m gonna marry you? I can‟t marry you. That‟d be a threesome. I couldn‟t do that. This
ain‟t Utah, you know.

DAVE
You‟re gonna marry me to Michelle. You‟re the pastor today. And this is the church.

SAM
Oh, that‟s right. Well, then. Let‟s get on with the hitchin‟.

[The music of I Will Earn Your Hand comes up and MICHELLE walks down the aisle of
the theater and onto the stage in a beautiful wedding dress followed by the two KIDS
holding her train.]

Well, don‟t you look like an angel! You‟re a mighty lucky boy!

DAVE
I can‟t argue with that.

SAM
And Missy, you didn‟t do too bad, either. He ain‟t hard to look at.

MICHELLE
No. He ain‟t.

[DAVE whispers to Sam.]

SAM
The ring? Oh, yes. Who has the ring?

FRANKIE
[standing] I do!

SAM
Then come on up here young fellow.

[FRANKIE rushes up to Dave but instead of giving him the ring, he gives him a long,
lingering look, as though he were about to propose to Dave.]

DAVE
Thank you, Frankie. And thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Steiner, for being a part of this happy
occasion.

PHIL
We wouldn‟t have missed it for all the sheep in Wyoming.



Dave and Johnny                        Act I/Scene 12                    Page 89 of 204
FRANKIE
[as if he were proposing] Here‟s your ring, Dave!

SAM
You can sit down now young man. Sit down. [FRANKIE wistfully sits.]
Now this is the part where I ask you young lady if you promise to…promise to…[He
pulls out a piece of paper from his vest pocket.] …love, honor and obey this boy till death
parts you.

MICHELLE
I promise.

SAM
And what about you, young man? Same question goes to you.

DAVE
Here‟s what I promise.

THIS I CAN TELL YOU
THAT THE DEED TO MY HEART
IS LOCKED UP AND YOU'LL SEE
YOU ALONE HAVE THE KEY
I'M YOURS AND IT WOULD BE GRAND
IF YOU'LL ONLY HAVE ME
AS YOUR HUSBAND.

[DAVE sings this, then repeats it in a duet with MICHELLE.]

I WILL ALWAYS MAKE THE DATE WHEN YOU DEMAND ME.
I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR WORDS AND DO WHAT YOU WILL,
AND I WILL DO THE CHORES WHEN EVER YOU COMMAND ME,
AND I PROMISE TO COME HOME EACH NIGHT.
NO BLIZZARD OR SANDSTORM CAN DEFEAT ME.
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU ALWAYS,
AND I'LL WASH REAL WELL,
SO YOU WON'T BE SUFFRIN’ MY SMELL,
AND I WILL HOLD YOU WHEN IT'S COLD AT NIGHT.
WE'LL BE LIKE PEAS IN A POD,
AND THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU--
I WON'T CRACK OR BREAK IF YOU SQUEEZE ON MY HARD (SOFT) BODY.
I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOURS,
AND I WILL MAKE SURE OUR REVENUE ENDURES.
I WILL KEEP YOU SAFE,
AND I WILL LEARN
EACH DAY TO EARN
YOUR HAND.



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 12                       Page 90 of 204
SAM
That‟s good enough for me. By the powers vested in me by the magnificent, sovereign
people of the state of Wyoming, and with the approval, I have no doubt, of the ringmaster
above, I declare you young‟uns hitched. Now you two can…you can…I know there‟s
something you can do.

[DAVE and MICHELLE kiss.]

[The song plays again in the background as JOHNNY goes up and gives his sister a hug,
and then a very heartfelt one to Dave. FRANKIE runs up eagerly to hug DAVE. Then
MABEL hugs the newlyweds.]

MABEL
Pierre‟s been cookin‟ up a storm all morning. I‟m gonna run on home and help him set up
the reception buffet. It‟s gonna be fabulous.

MICHELLE
Great. We‟ll see you in just a bit.

[MABEL runs off as SAUL comes up to hug Michelle. He looks at DAVE and decides a
handshake will do for DAVE.]

SAUL
Where‟d your sister run off to?

MICHELLE
She‟s gonna help Pierre set up the victuals.

DAVE
From the looks of things, those two‟s gonna be standin‟ up here next. Then who‟s gonna
do the cookin‟?

SAUL
Oh, there‟s some Chinese cooks I know in Salt Lake City who can do the caterin‟. I love
that greasy Chinky food—even more‟n I love Pierre‟s flaky craps.

[The HOMESTEADERS go up to the wedding platform to congratulate the two, all the
while singing. Meanwhile, TIGE and HARRY quietly enter the church from the audience
and whisper something to PHIL STEINER, who gives a contented look and waves them
off.

DAVE and MICHELLE now come down the aisle as EVERYONE sings the wedding song
again while throwing rice. MICHELLE throws the bouquet, which FRANKIE catches.
PHIL, annoyed, grabs it out of FRANKIE’s hand and gives it to a LITTLE GIRL.]




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 12                      Page 91 of 204
SAUL
You‟re all invited back to the Lazy S‟s to have some fancy grub. Pierre and Mabel are
settin‟ it up right now, so let‟s all take the slow, scenic route and give „em a little extra
time.

[The music continues to play as people chatter enthusiastically about the shindig that
awaits them, congratulating SAUL and MICHELLE and DAVE. Lights dim, as we fade
over to the other side of the stage for…]


Scene 13

Saturday afternoon. A forest area between the chapel and the ranch. MABEL is walking
alone down a path through the trees when TIGE and HARRY pop out to surprise her.
They have bandannas covering their faces.

TIGE
Well, howdy Miss Mabel. Ain‟t you supposed to be at your sister‟s wedding?

MABEL
I‟m comin‟ from there. Now I‟m goin‟ home to he‟p set up the reception. Why are you
wearin‟ bandannas that way? You expectin‟ a dust storm.

HARRY
Nah. We just heared that the Hong Kong flu hit the area, and we don‟t wanna catch it.

TIGE
It‟s a deadly virus.

MABEL
I‟ll be sure to watch out for it though this is the first time I heard mention of it. Now if
you gentleman will pardon me…

TIGE
Pardon you? What for, honey? Have you done somethin‟ you need pardnin‟ for?

HARRY
Been a bad girl, have you?

MABEL
That‟s very funny.

TIGE
We‟re awful funny. But you ain‟t laughin‟.




Dave and Johnny                         Act I/Scene 12                          Page 92 of 204
MABEL
No, I ain‟t.

[HARRY grabs MABEL.]

HARRY
Well, maybe we can make you laugh. Would you like to laugh with us? I heard that the
Eskimos up in Canada like to laugh a lot. You heard about the laughin‟ Eskimos, honey?

TIGE
Yeah, honey. Laugh with us. This is such a happy day. Let‟s rub noses.

MABEL
Y‟all better leave me alone, now.

HARRY
Or what?

MABEL
I‟ll make noise.

TIGE
Oh, we know you can make noise. We heard you sloppin‟ the hogs once.

HARRY
No, she weren‟t sloppin‟ no hogs. She was the hog. Gettin‟ slopped herself.

MABEL
Leave me be! I‟ll scream!

TIGE
[Helping HARRY control MABEL as she fights to get free, he covers her mouth.]
We‟ll leave you be when we‟re dang tootin‟ ready, sweetheart. But first we wanna know
why such a sorry sow like you is walkin‟ the woods solita! Y‟oughta be ashameda‟
yerself. A real lady wouldn‟t be sashayin‟ about so. Why anythin‟ could happen. And
that‟s a lesson you need to learn!
HARRY
[pulling out a knife]
And don‟t squeal like the pig you are honey, or we‟ll turn you into bacon.


[A nightmarish rendition of I Will Earn Your Hand plays as MABEL struggles with the
COWBOYS, who begin to tear at her gown. We fade to…]




Dave and Johnny                      Act I/Scene 13                       Page 93 of 204
Scene 14

Saturday afternoon. In front of the Lazy S’s Ranch. WANDA is sprawled out motionless
on the doorstep. The WEDDING PARTY is happily approaching the house with DAVE in
the lead. He first notices WANDA.

Wanda! What in tarnation are you doing sleepin‟ on the day of my wedding? Get up ya‟
lazy head! [WANDA doesn’t move.] Wanda? [DAVE tries to rouse Wanda. He turns her
over, and she is covered with blood, dead.] Wanda!

SAUL
My, God. What happened?

JOHNNY
Somebody‟s been here, Daddy.

DAVE
Wanda!!

MICHELLE
Oh, my God! What happened?

SAUL
Where‟s Pierre? Pierre!

[SAUL opens the door and PIERRE, battered and bruised, hobbles to meet him.]

PIERRE
I am so sorry, Monsieur Saul. I could not fight them. They were two. And very big. I
cannot fight two American cowboy. They come to mess up the party. I cannot stop them.
So many beautiful crepe I make for the guest. There is nothing now. Everything is on the
floor.

JOHNNY
Phil Steiner! Pierre, was Mabel with you?

PIERRE
I do not see Miss Mabel. She is not with you?

MICHELLE
She left the church early to come help you. Ain‟t she ain‟t back yet?

[MABEL enters, battered, her face bruised, her clothes ripped so that she has to hold her
dress up to keep herself covered.]




Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 14                      Page 94 of 204
JOHNNY
My, God!

MABEL
Daddy!

SAUL
Who did this to you?

MABEL
Two men with their face covered. I tried to get away. I tried… [MABEL sobs and
MICHELLE runs to her to comfort her.]

SAUL
[looking at Dave] You!

DAVE
Me?

SAUL
You! You caused this. I shoulda‟ knowed you were bad news the moment you darkened
my ranch. You been makin‟ Steiner so mad that now he‟s bent on destroyin‟ me. My
dream, my nightmare…it‟s comin‟ true. You and your cute, dev‟lish ways. You are
gonna destroy my family! Dreams don‟t lie!

MICHELLE
Daddy! Calm down! We don‟t know who did this.

SAUL
I know! And I knowed you was bad luck. I knowed the minute you put me to sleep with
that damn lullaby!

JOHNNY
Daddy, you‟re upset now, so you‟re talking crazy! We‟ll deal with this. Just stop talkin‟
crazy!

[SAUL slaps Johnny in the face, hard.]


SAUL
Don‟t you dare disrespect me one more time. Don‟t you get a schoolgirl‟s crush on this
boy! Look what he‟s done to our family! He stole one sister. Caused the other one to get
ruined. Turned you into a ravin‟ I-don‟t-know-what. Don‟t you see what he‟s all about?

DAVE
Saul…



Dave and Johnny                       Act I/Scene 14                       Page 95 of 204
SAUL
You get yourself behind me! I don‟t wanna‟ see your face near my property.

DAVE
We just came from church. Old Sam made Michelle my wife, and by so doin‟ he made
me your son!

SAUL
Yeah, I got you as a son-in-law twice! The jumpin‟ gigolo after my daughter and the
slimy seducer of my son! Well, you ain‟t gonna get your raggedy paws on my family.
Everybody, this wedding didn‟t happen. Johnny, Mabel, Michelle, get inside! And get
this damn dead sheep offa‟ my porch! [to the Homesteaders, then to the audience]
Everybody, get the hell out of here! You heard me. Party‟s over! Get the hell out!

[EVERYBODY is frozen in disbelief. The strains of I Will Earn Your Hand crescendo as
the curtain falls and house lights come up.]

End of Act I




Dave and Johnny                     Act I/Scene 14                      Page 96 of 204
DAVE AND JOHNNY


ACT 2

Scene 1


Saturday afternoon. In front of the Lazy S’s Ranch. WANDA is still sprawled out
motionless on the doorstep. The WEDDING PARTY is in a frozen tableau, just as we left
them with their horrified faces in Act One.

SAUL
I said to get the hell outa‟ here, and I meant it. Why ain‟t you listenin‟ to me?

MICHELLE
Pa, nobody‟s goin‟ nowhere. I have a few things to say. First of all, I‟m a married woman,
and that boy, for better or worse, is my husband. Second of all, my husband saved this
ranch from bein‟ took over by Phil Steiner when he stood up against Gil Wyeth when
nobody else would. Third of all, it was you who set him to the task of russlin‟ up some
cattle in order to marry me. That weren‟t nobody else‟s idea, and he did what you told
him to do even though it was the dumbest dad-blame directive you ever devised. Now
you‟ve made a few bad decisions in your life, but lettin‟ me marry Dave was not one of
them. So I‟m gonna stay married, and we‟re gonna clean up the ranch, and we‟re gonna
take care of Mabel, and Pierre‟s gonna put together some more grub, and we‟re gonna
celebrate the happiest darned day of my soon to be dazzlin‟ and delightful life!

[EVERYONE is in stunned silence for a moment.]

DAVE
That‟s my wife. I think I‟ll keep her.

SAUL
This is what you really want?

MICHELLE
Poppa, it is what we all want.

JOHNNY
Partner, you just wed one wonderfully willful Wyoming woman!

PIERRE
I will help clean you up, Miss Mabel. Then you and I will remake some crepe for the
celebration.



Dave and Johnny                          Act I/Scene 14                       Page 97 of 204
MABEL
Okay. I‟m gonna get cleaned up, Pa…and celebrate my sister‟s wedding.

[The Wyoming Waltz plays as TWO HOMESTEADERS remove WANDA from the
doorstep, and PIERRE and MABEL exit into the house, followed by MICHELLE, DAVE,
JOHNNY, and the other HOMESTEADERS. SAM and SAUL stand alone outside the
house after everybody has gone inside. SAUL looks nervously at the door.]

SAM
Ain‟t you goin‟ inside young man? Seems like there‟s goin‟ to be a party after all.

SAUL
Sam, whose party is it? Whose party is it?

SAM
Why, it‟s young Dave‟s party. He married that nice girl.

SAUL
But I paid for it.

SAM
Then by all means, you should go, shouldn‟t you? I‟d love to go myself, but someone‟s
gotta mind the saloon. Go have yourself some fun. You don‟t wanna miss out.

[SAM exits as SAUL enters the house as the strains of the Wyoming Waltz grow louder.]


Scene 2

Saturday evening. Inside the salon. Some HOMESTEADERS are helping Pierre and
Mabel set up the buffet. DAVE, JOHNNY, and MICHELLE are setting up the furniture,
which has been thrown around the room, but mostly left undamaged with the exception of
a small table which crumbles when Michelle tries to put a large vase back on top of it.
SAUL and RICARDO are picking up some broken china. PIERRE takes MABEL aside.

PIERRE
Mademoiselle Mabel. Your father say you are ruined. To me you are not ruined. You will
always be perfect in my eyes. You know Venus de Milo?

MABEL
Does she live in these parts?

PIERRE
No. She is in Europe. She have no arms.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 1                       Page 98 of 204
MABEL
Poor girl. Did she lose them in a farming accident?

PIERRE
No, she is, how you say, sculpture. Very famous sculpture. She have no arms, but
everybody in Europe say that she is still the most beautiful sculpture in all Europe.

MABEL
Oh, I see. Well, I still got my arms.

PIERRE
Yes, you do.

MABEL
But I lost something far more precious. [She starts to cry.]

PIERRE
No, this is not true. It is only true if you believe foolish people. You have not lost your,
how you say, ame?

MABEL
My Ahm?

PIERRE
Your inside esprit.

MABEL
My soul?

PIERRE
Your soul. You have not lost your soul. I love your soul, Mademoiselle Mabel, and
nothing have change that.

MABEL
Oh, Pierre! [They hug.]

PIERRE
But now I must tell you something. I have the fear that I am not enough the man for to
make you happy. The cowboys from me that thing they take from you. I feel so little, so
like nothing. They make me a woman. Do you understand? They make me their woman
and I can do nothing. [He starts to cry.]




Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 2                         Page 99 of 204
MABEL
Oh, I understand, Pierre. I understand. And that will be our secret. You are not a woman.
Those cowboys is monsters is all, and someday they‟ll have to face that fact. You are my
gentle, decent, loving, Pierre, and I feel about your soul the way you feel about mine.
Nothing will change that.

PIERRE
Oh, Mabel. [THEY embrace. The focus is now on JOHNNY, MICHELLE and DAVE.]

DAVE
Looks like my sister-in-law is gonna survive her ordeal. Look at them two.

MICHELLE
Yeah, Mabel‟s a survivor. And a saint. She knows how to handle Poppa better than I do.

JOHNNY
Let‟s face it. We‟re all survivors. Life with father is something of a tragi-comedy..

DAVE
Well, let‟s face it. Livin‟ in Wyoming, is somethin‟ of a tragi-comedy. But that‟s what
makes bein‟ here so much fun. Imagine livin‟ in New York City where life is so easy and
everything is handed to you on a silver platter, where there ain‟t no varmints or
desperados to worry about, and there‟s no weather to speak of. What fun would that be?

MICHELLE
Oh, you like to think of yourself livin‟ in the wild, my man, but Wyoming ain‟t exactly
the wild place it used to be. Heck, we got roads, and schools, and stores. And a
government. Just you wait. One of these days we‟re gonna be exactly like New York City.

JOHNNY
Well, that‟s a stretch.

MICHELLE
Of course, no place will ever be as beautiful. No matter if we get tall buildings and motor
cars, there ain‟t gonna be no place like Wyoming.

JOHNNY
That‟s for sure. New York City people don‟t even have an idea what natural beauty is.
They may have buildings with twenty or more floors. But they don‟t have what we have.


MICHELLE
[dancing with everybody as she sings--soon everybody is singing and dancing.]

ANTELOPE, MOOSE
AND ELK ALL RUN LOOSE



Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 2                        Page 100 of 204
ON TUNDRAS BENEATH
THE RANGE
AND THE TRUMPETER
SWANS JOIN BLUE
HERONS ON PONDS
LARKSPUR, PENSTEMONS AND PAINTBRUSH
BLOOM
TALL
IN THE MOST STATELY OF ALL. IT’S

MY WYOMING
BIG HORN,
BLACK HILLS,
YELLOW STONE
JACKSON HOLE

MY WYOMING
FOOTHILLS, RANGES AND PLAINS
IT’S THE LARGE PRAIRIE PLACE
WHERE THE PRONG
HORN ANTELOPE RACE
WITH
MUSKRATS
RACCOONS
MARMOTS
RABBITS

MY WYOMING
DEVILS TOW’R, FOSSIL BUTTE RISE
ONLY IN MY WYOMING
IT’S THE LAND WHERE THE BALD EAGLE FLIES
WHERE THE BUFFALO HERDS ARE ALL GRAZING
WHERE THE SCENERY IS ALL AMAZING
THAT’S WHY I AM ALWAYS PRAISING
THE STATE THAT NATURE HERSELF CELEBRATES.

[All the while dancing, DAVE has been drinking a toast every time the word Wyoming is
mentioned, so the entire party is getting inebriated. DAVE is becoming the center of the
party as he dances with everybody, men and women. SAUL is watching with RICARDO,
getting angrier and angrier as he watches Dave dominate the salon.]

SAUL
Look at that boy!

RICARDO
Yes. He is wonderful Don Saul.



Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 2                      Page 101 of 204
SAUL
He thinks he‟s in his own house.

SAM
I am sure he knows that this is your house, Don Saul.

SAUL
I built this house. I built the ranch. I created the Sheep Shearers Association. This boy
waltzes in here with a few scraggly sheep and thinks he‟s Lord of the Livestock.
Well, I am not ready to have a snot-nosed nitwit noodle-brained brat inheritin‟ everything
I worked to build and establish. Wyoming was made a state because of responsible
people like me. It was established by men who knew how to manage a mule and plow a
field and shear a sheep and brand a cow and put up a fence and slop the hogs and chop
the wood and it wasn‟t established on the dreams of dewy-eyed diddly deer dancin‟ and
prancin‟ and thinkin‟ of newfangled widgemegibbets runnin‟ on rubber wheels with
electromagnetized motormegidgets.

RICARDO
[terrorized] Don Saul, someday, when my English is a little better, I will understand what
you just said.

JOHNNY
Daddy, this is Michelle‟s wedding. What are you goin‟ on about?

SAUL
What I‟m goin‟ on about is how you kids think that you are gonna have it easy cause of
all these gadgets and wiggamabobs they keep inventin‟. But you don‟t know what is real.
When I was your age, I didn‟t wander down to Sam‟s store to get me a tin of ready to eat
soups and delicacies. I raised my own livestock and slaughtered it with my own hands.
And there were times when there weren‟t no livestock cause of the blizzard or the
drought. And then if we didn‟t wanna starve we had to go huntin‟. [He picks up a bow
and arrow.] Yeah, huntin‟ like the Indians. We‟d use a shotgun, sometimes, but
sometimes it was smarter to use a bow and arrow and not scare the animal off with the
blast of powder. [He starts to draw an arrow onto the bow.]

MICHELLE
Poppa, now we all been drinkin‟ just a bit, so it might not be such a good idea to be
playin‟ with Indian gear.

JOHNNY
Daddy, why don‟t you put down the bow. It‟s making the guests nervous.


SAUL
We used to have to be real quiet and stalk our prey so as not to scare „em off.



Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 2                       Page 102 of 204
HOMESTEADER ONE
Saul, perhaps this ain‟t the time for huntin‟ lessons.

SAUL
And then when we found ourselves a jackrabbit, we‟d be still like a tree, and only move
just as much [pulling the arrow, aiming it at Dave’s right] as we had to draw the arrow
tight…

MICHELLE
Poppa.

SAUL
Till we knew we had our prey in our sight.

JOHNNY
Daddy.

SAUL
And then zing! [He releases the arrow, which lands in a painting of a deer just to the
right of Dave’s head.]

MABEL
Pa! What in blazes are you doin‟ on my sister‟s weddin‟ night?

[EVERYBODY remains still, afraid to move or speak.]

SAUL
I‟m just remindin‟ your sister‟s husband that life ain‟t gonna‟ be as easy as takin‟ candy
from a baby.

DAVE
Sir. You do not have to remind me that life is not going to be easy for me.

SAUL
Good.

DAVE
But I will do my best to make your daughter happy. As happy as you have made her. And
dare I say, maybe even moreso.

JOHNNY
Well, that‟s wonderful! A toast to the bride and groom!

EVERYBODY
To the bride and groom!




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 2                      Page 103 of 204
[The music picks up again with strains of “My Intentions” and people start dancing
again.]

DAVE
Partners, I think I probably done enough celebratin‟ tonight. I think I might like to go to
bed. I guess tonight, I‟ll be bunkin‟ with you, Michelle, if that‟s not a problem.

MICHELLE
Well, I guess it shouldn‟t be a problem. Do you snore?

DAVE
[looking at Johnny] I‟ve been told I sometimes do.

MICHELLE
Well, I‟ll smother you with a pillow.

JOHNNY
That‟ll work.

DAVE
Good night then.

MICHELLE, JOHNNY
Good night.

MICHELLE
I‟ll see you in a bit. [to Johnny] You‟d better keep an eye on Poppa.

JOHNNY
I will. Listen. You‟re a lucky girl. Dave is a lot of fun.

[The focus shifts to SAUL, who is now with RICARDO.]

SAUL
Ricardo. We don‟t know that Phil‟s cowboys ain‟t gonna come back tonight. We‟d better
be ready for „em if they do. I want you to load up my pistol and bring it to me in my
room. I‟m goin‟ to bed.

RICARDO
Do you really think that they will make more trouble? You don‟t think that they are
finished making their trouble?


SAUL
I prefer bein‟ safe to bein‟ sorry, Ricardo. Be a good little caballero, and get my Colt
1900 ready and bring it to me.



Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 2                      Page 104 of 204
RICARDO
Yes, Don Saul. A sus ordenes.

SAUL

HIS INTENTIONS
EV’RYTHING SEEMS TO BE CLEAR
HE WANTS TO KIDNAP MY DAUGH TER
AND MAKE MY ONE SON A QUEER
HE WANTS TO RUIN ME
START RUNNIN’ MY RANCH LIKE HE'S CROWNED
MAKIN’ ME FEEL LIKE THE VILLAIN
TURNIN’ MY LIFE UPSIDE DOWN
ALL OF THE WORK I HAVE DONE
MY WHOLE LIFE LIVED IN PAIN
I CAN'T LET THIS SIMPLETON IMP
SUCK ALL MY SUCCESS DOWN THE DRAIN
BECAUSE OF THIS DEMON A DAUGHTER IS RUINED
AND MY SON'S A FLITTIN’ FAIR Y FEY
I WILL PUT THIS DAVE A WAY

RICARDO
[to Beth]

HIS INTENTIONS
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY CAN BE
BUT HE TOLD ME TO LOAD UP HIS GUN
SO IT LOOKS BAD TO ME
HE MAKES ME NERVOUS
WHEN HE GETS DRUNK HE GETS MEAN
DON SAUL IS LOCO BORRACHO
AND I THINK YOU KNOW THAT MEANS

BETH
[to Pierre]

DAVE ISN'T SAFE IN THIS HOUSE
WHILE SAUL HAS GOT HIS GUN


PIERRE
[to Mabel]

YOU BETTER TELL YOUR LITTLE SISTER
THAT IT'S TIME FOR DAVE TO RUN



Dave and Johnny                 Act II/Scene 2   Page 105 of 204
MABEL
[to Johnny]

BEFORE THE COCK CROWS
AND BEFORE THE SUN'S ROSE

JOHNNY and MABEL
[to Michelle]

HE MUST NOT HESITATE.

JOHNNY

DAVE MUST BE GONE AND NOT TEMPT FATE!

MICHELLE
This is not what a little girl dreams about for her weddin‟ night. I thought it would be a
beautiful and grand experience like that big ole Ferris Wheel at the St. Louis World‟s Fair.

JOHNNY
It‟s still a ride, except it‟s more like the Scenic Railway rolling coaster, remember that
one?

MICHELLE
Oh, yes. I remember I lost my lunch.

JOHNNY
You lost a lunch, but it was the thrill of a lifetime. [They hug and MICHELLE exits to her
room.] Let‟s just hope the groom lives to see breakfast.

Scene 3

Saturday night. Inside Michelle’s room. It is the first feminine room we see after we’ve
seen Johnny’s cluttered room filled with science equipment and books, and Saul’s salon,
filled with animal heads. There is a canopy bed, ornate secretary’s desk, and there are
dolls and stuffed animals, including a Teddy bear, which DAVE is clutching as he snores
on the right side of the bed. MICHELLE enters and taps Dave on the shoulder to wake
him. Then she shakes it a little harder. Suddenly DAVE springs to life as a roaring grizzly
bear holding the Teddy up to Michelle’s face, threateningly. He has been lying in wait to
play this scary trick on his bride.

DAVE
Roooaaaarrrr! [MICHELLE screams, startled.] Gotcha! Scared ya‟ didn‟t I?




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 2                       Page 106 of 204
MICHELLE
Is this your idea of how we should start our life together?

DAVE
I was just playin‟. I‟m playful.

MICHELLE
I know. You‟re playful. And you‟re also drunk.

DAVE
Just a little. Can‟t a man celebrate the happiest day of his life?

MICHELLE
You‟d better sober up quick if you don‟t want it to be the last day of your life.

DAVE
Oh, now you‟re getting bossy. I like that. Wanna have a pillow fight? [He picks up a
pillow.]

MICHELLE
Dave! Listen to me! Poppa‟s loadin‟ up his gun.

DAVE
[That sobers DAVE up.] Why? Is he expecting more trouble from Phil?

MICHELLE
Maybe. But maybe he ain‟t totally comfortable with the idea of us bunkin‟ together
tonight.

DAVE
Ain‟t that what married couples supposed to do? Bunk together?

MICHELLE
Usually. But the way things are goin‟ tonight… [JOHNNY enters.]

JOHNNY
Dave, you gotta get out of here. Daddy‟s nuts. He‟s drunk and he told Ricardo to bring
him his Colt 1900. And he‟s been rantin‟ somethin‟ about a demon destroying his family.

DAVE
He‟s doesn‟t adore me yet. Is that what you‟re sayin‟?

JOHNNY
Not yet. Not yet.




Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 3                      Page 107 of 204
MICHELLE
The best thing right now is for you to lay low. I think you should spend the night at
Sam‟s. I‟m sure he‟s got a room free.

DAVE
Oh, my goodness. I am not exactly feelin‟ like makin‟ a nighttime ride into town.

JOHNNY
I‟ll go with you. I‟ll saddle up old Stew Pot. She likes to go for night rides.

MICHELLE
Hurry up and get your clothes on! You gotta get out of here!

DAVE
Can‟t you come, too?

MICHELLE
No. I gotta stay here with Poppa. You two hurry!

[DAVE gets out of bed and gets dressed. We hear SAUL approaching, singing a drunken
version of My Wyoming.]

SAUL
[offstage]

ANTELOPE, MOOSE
AND ELK ALL RUN LOOSE
ON TUNDRAS BENEATH
THE RANGE

MICHELLE
Go out the window! Hurry! [JOHNNY goes out the window. DAVE starts to exit then
quickly turns back to kiss MICHELLE.]

DAVE
Good night, Mrs. Jessen.

MICHELLE
Go!

DAVE
I love the way you give orders! [DAVE exits out the window. MICHELLE arranges the pillows
under the covers to make it look like Dave is sleeping beside her under a blanket. She pretends to
sleep as SAUL enters.]




Dave and Johnny                          Act II/Scene 3                         Page 108 of 204
SAUL
[softly] I just wanted to wish you two love birds a good night. [SAUL shoots the pillows which he
thinks are Dave. MICHELLE screams. MABEL and PIERRE run into the room.]

MABEL
My God! Pa! What happened?

SAUL
[seeing that he shot only pillows, he thinks quickly] It was a tarantula! Thank God I got
here when I did! I came to wish Michelle a good night, and I saw a tarantula on her bed! I
got it though! I plugged it in one clean shot! Thank God for my new Colt 1900!

MABEL
Are you all right Michelle?

MICHELLE
Yes. I‟m…I‟m okay. I‟m okay.

MABEL
You‟re sure?

MICHELLE
It‟s okay. Y‟all go on back to the guests now. Tell „em Poppa killed a spider. I‟m okay.

SAUL
She‟s okay.

PIERRE
It‟s okay?

SAUL
[angrily] It‟s okay!! Get back to the damn party! [MABEL and PIERRE leave hesitantly.]
[now alone with Michelle, he looks at her menacingly] Where is your sneaky little
husband?

MICHELLE
Poppa, you‟ve got to calm down now.

SAUL
Where is he? What are you two trying to do to me?
MICHELLE
Do to you??

SAUL
You are plottin‟ with that boy against me, you little whore!




Dave and Johnny                          Act II/Scene 3                         Page 109 of 204
MICHELLE
Poppa! Listen to me! You are not in your right mind! So I sent Dave away till you get
better!

SAUL
I don‟t need to get better! I‟m fine! And I am completely, thoroughly, totally, wholly,
fully, entirely, in every respect in my good god damned right mind! That boy is a curse
on this family!

MICHELLE
No, you are a curse on this family. [SAUL slaps her hard.]

SAUL
Oh, my God. I didn‟t mean to do that. Oh, my God. My daughter. I didn‟t mean to do that!
[He cries in her lap.]

MICHELLE
Poppa, I know you didn‟t. You‟re just ailin‟, that‟s all. Ever since Momma died, you‟ve
been ailin‟. I know how hard it‟s been for you. First you lose her, and now you‟re afraid
to lose me. But you‟re not losin‟ me. I‟m always gonna be your daughter. You don‟t have
to worry about that. I‟ve always taken care of you, and I‟m always gonna take care of
you. Nothing is gonna change that.

SAUL
I don‟t deserve you.

MICHELLE
Yes, you do. I am grateful to you for so much. Look what you‟ve given me. I live on the
most beautiful ranch in the most beautiful state in the country because of you and the
work you‟ve done. But now I can be even happier if you‟ll let me. Poppa, I talked to
Momma, and she helped me decide that Dave is right for me.

SAUL
What do you mean, you talked to Momma?

MICHELLE
When you love someone, your memory of them is strong enough that they can appear to
you when you need them. And you can have a conversation with them. Why don‟t you do
that? You loved Momma so much. Remember when you and she were happy before she
got sick? She inspired you to do so many wonderful things. Just think about her real hard
and she‟ll come back to you. And you can ask her if I‟m doing the right thing. I know
that she‟ll reassure you. I know it.

SAUL
You really believe my Noma will appear to me?




Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 3                      Page 110 of 204
MICHELLE
I know it for a fact.

[SAUL rises and shakily leaves the room. The spot stays on Michelle.]

Momma. I need your help.


Scene 4
Saturday night. Outside, in front of the house. SAUL comes out through the front door
and we hear strains of the Wyoming Dawn Fox Trot as the door is open, which fades as
he closes the door behind him. A few sheep are sleeping stage right.

SAUL
Noma. Our daughter is married. Not the older one, the younger one. She seems to think
that if I loved you enough, you would appear to me.

[NOMA appears stage left.]

NOMA
And did you love me enough?

SAUL
I hope so.

NOMA
Then here I am.

SAUL
Oh, Noma. I don‟t feel like I‟m in control anymore.

NOMA
Of yourself? Or the world?

SAUL
Of anything.

NOMA
Maybe being in control isn‟t the most important thing.

SAUL
Then what is?

NOMA
I think you know.




Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 3                     Page 111 of 204
SAUL
I did love you.

NOMA
Did?

SAUL
Do!

NOMA
And I too, love you. Despite all your quirks, and ups and downs, and near mythological
mood swings, I love you.

SAUL
Why?

NOMA
Because you care so deeply about things. That‟s a lovely quality.

SAUL
And you were always so patient.

NOMA
Life is too short not to be.

SAUL
Why am I so afraid of this boy?

NOMA
Because you‟re afraid that he will replace you some day. But he must. We are not
permanent on this earth. All living things are replaced by newer living things. That‟s
nature‟s way. It‟s nothing to be afraid of.

SAUL
You left me too soon. And you were not replaced.

NOMA
I know. But if I were to be, I‟d be happy, not jealous. I just want you to be happy.

SAUL
Do you really?


NOMA
Completely, thoroughly, totally, wholly, fully, entirely, in every respect happy.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 4                       Page 112 of 204
WHEN I MET YOU
YOU WERE BRASH
LIKE A BULL
BUT WITH MORE FLASH
YOU WERE GRAND

AND DETERMINED
TO MAKE SOMETHING
OF THIS LAND

I WAS PROUD TO
BE CALLED YOUR WIFE
FOR LIFE
I AM YOUR BRIDE
AND I’M GLAD TO TELL YOU

YOUR DAUGHTER’S JOY
IS TO KNOW THAT BOY

HE’S HER GUY.

[MICHELLE comes out of the house and joins NOMA in a duet.]

MICHELLE                     NOMA                             SAUL

IF WE LANDED                 WHEN I MET YOU                   WHEN I MET YOU
JUST US BOTH                 YOU WERE BRASH                   I WAS BRASH
ON A BEACH                   LIKE A BULL                      LIKE A BULL
WITH NO MORE BOAT            BUT WITH MORE                    BUT WITH MORE
FOR ALL TIME                 FLASH                            FLASH
                             YOU WERE GRAND                   I WAS GRAND
JUST OUR ISLAND
AND THE OCEAN                AND DETERMINED                   AND DETERMINED
AND HIS SMILE                TO MAKE SOMETHING                TO MAKE SOMETHING
                             OF THIS LAND                     OF THIS LAND

I COULD BE THERE             I WAS PROUD TO                   I WAS PROUD TO
FOREVER MORE                 BE CALLED YOUR WIFE              CALL YOU MY WIFE
UPON OUR DESERT              FOR LIFE I AM YOUR               FOR LIFE I AM YOUR
ISLE                         BRIDE                            GUY
AND BE GLAD I HAD TO         AND I’M GLAD TO TELL             AND I’M GLAD TO TELL
YOUR DAUGHTER’S              YOU                              YOU
JOY
IS TO KNOW THAT BOY          YOUR DAUGHTER’S                  IF MICHELLE’S
                             JOY                              JOY
HE’S MY GUY.                 IS TO KNOW THAT BOY              IS TO KNOW THAT BOY
                             HE’S HER GUY.                    HE’S HER GUY.

[NOMA and MICHELLE both kiss SAUL, one on each cheek. NOMA exits.]




Dave and Johnny                   Act II/Scene 4                     Page 113 of 204
MICHELLE
Poppa, I want Dave to be my husband.

SAUL
I understand. I understand. I‟m better now. The craziness is gone. I‟m okay.

MICHELLE
Johnny took Dave to Sam‟s. Why don‟t you ride over there and bring „em back home.

SAUL
Yes. I‟ll bring „em back home. I‟ll bring my boys back home. Tell Ricardo to saddle up
Frying Pan.

MICHELLE
Yes, Poppa. [SAUL goes back into the house.] Thank you, Momma.



Scene 5

Late Saturday night. Sam’s Saloon. The general store and post office are closed, so the
space is now used for a tavern. Sam is behind the bar. A few COWBOYS are drinking at a
table. SALOON GALS wander over as JOHNNY and DAVE enter.

SAM
Evening, young gentlemen. [to Dave] Ain‟t I seen you somewhere before?

DAVE
Yeah, Sam you married me today.

SAM
Oh, no. I didn‟t marry you. If I married anyone, I‟m sure it was a woman.

DAVE
No, Sam. You married me to a woman. You were the justice of the peace.

SAM
Oh, yes. I remember now. Sweet girl.

DAVE
Yes, she is.

SAM
Why ain‟t you with her? You ain‟t tired of her already, are you?

DAVE
No, Sam. She kinda threw me out.


Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 5                       Page 114 of 204
TIGE
What‟s wrong, boy? Couldn‟t you tame the little filly?

HARRY
Too wild for you? Couldn‟t you break her?

GAL ONE
Oh, shet yer mouth.

JOHNNY
No, it wasn‟t that.

DAVE
I had a bit too much to drink.

GAL TWO
Gotta learn to hold your liquor.

TIGE
If you wanna break a filly, you gotta hold your liquor, or you can‟t lick her.

GAL ONE
My, ain‟t you the poet!

DAVE
Yeah, too much celebratin‟ I guess. That‟s the story of my life. I like to celebrate and
then people get mad.

GAL TWO
Poor baby, I wouldn‟t mind celebratin‟ with you.

JOHNNY
Hey, darling, you‟re talking to a married man.

GAL ONE
He sure ain‟t doin‟ a very good job at it.

DAVE
Yeah, that‟s me. I make a mess of things. Before this gal, I had another sweetheart who
threw me out.

JOHNNY
You did?




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 5                       Page 115 of 204
DAVE
Oh, sure I did. Her name was Amanda.

GAL ONE
That‟s a nice name.

DAVE
It means love.

HARRY
Aw, that‟s so sweet.

GAL TWO
And she couldn‟t take your drinkin‟ neither?

DAVE
I begged her to keep me. I got down on my knees and begged.

GAL ONE
What did you say to her?

[DAVE sings his song, and the place starts filling up so that by the end of the number, the
house is packed.]

DAVE

I KNOW
I'M LOW
BUT THAT DON'T MEAN I'M BAD
I GET BLUE
BECAUSE OF YOU AND
I'M REALLY SAD
CAUSE YOU MAKE THE SUN SHINE
YOU MAKE FLOWERS GROW
BUT I’M NOT THE MAN
WHO CAN TILL YOUR LAND
AND BRING HOME
MUCHO DOUGH


AMANDA DON'T
THROW ME OUT IN THE STREET
I KNOW YOU LOVE
ME
THOUGH I LOOK REALLY BEAT
AND MY FACE IS A



Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 5                      Page 116 of 204
LITTLE PALE I KNOW
ONCE I HAVE DRUNK SOME FI-RE WATER AND LET
LOTS OF LAGER FLOW

AMANDA DON’T
REFUSE
TO MAKE ME THINE
JUST CAUSE I’VE HAD ONE CUP
OF SOME SONOMA WINE
CAN’T YOU KEEP ON UNDERSTANDING ME
IN YOUR HEART
THAT I DON'T MEAN ANY HARM
I JUST HATE TO FARM
AND I’M NOT TOO SMART

OH, SOMETIMES I WANDER
AND DON'T KNOW WHERE I BEEN
I JUST GO UP AND DOWN
THIS DUSTY TOWN
AFTER I HAD MY GIN
AND I CANNOT UNDERSTAND

MUCH OF WHAT I DO
BUT I KNOW ONE THING
THAT I BOUGHT A RING
TO GIVE TO YOU

AMANDA DON'T
KICK ME OUT OF YOUR HOME
AMANDA DONT HATE ME CAUSE
I SOMETIMES ROAM
I KNOW I CAN SEEM
SOMEWHAT A SORT OF BUM
WHEN I'VE SPENT SOME TIME
WITH A SHOT OF RUM
OR WHISKEY GLASS
OKAY, I’M AN ASS
BUT I STILL LOVE YO-OU

[DAVE has been drinking throughout this drinking song, along with everybody else, so he
is a bit tipsy again. JOHNNY grabs him and brings him over to Sam.]


JOHNNY
Sam, this boy is gonna need a room for the night.




Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 5                    Page 117 of 204
SAM
Well, he certainly ain‟t in no shape to go ridin‟, I can see that. Room three is free. Or is it
four? No, someone‟s in four. Or was it two?

JOHNNY
Don‟t you have it written down somewhere?

SAM
Why would I need to write it down? We only got four rooms! Maybe if this was some big
city hotel I‟d need to write it down, but they‟s just four rooms. I can remember who‟s in
four rooms.

JOHNNY
Okay, okay. So three is free?

SAM
That‟s what I said. Three is free. You take him on up to three.

[JOHNNY and DAVE go upstairs to room three. When they get inside, the saloon darkens
and we see them through the scrim.]

JOHNNY
[while walking the stairs]
Now, partner, you‟re gonna stay with Sam for a while until things calm down at the ranch.
I‟ll come and get you when Daddy‟s a little bit calmer.

DAVE
Your Daddy is not likely to be elected a delegate to the calmness convention.

JOHNNY
Wow. You‟re eloquent after a few drinks.

DAVE
Thank you.

JOHNNY
You‟re welcome!


[DAVE and JOHNNY enter Room Three. It has a cot, a chair, and a table. JOHNNY
starts undressing DAVE.]


JOHNNY
Now, you get some rest, and promise me you won‟t go back downstairs and sing for
everybody. I know you love to entertain, but you tend to celebrate just a tad too much.



Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 5                        Page 118 of 204
DAVE
That‟s what I love about you. You‟re so responsible.

JOHNNY
And I love you. But we gotta keep our heads on straight for a while if we‟re gonna
manage Daddy. We‟re gonna be a great team, the three of us, but we gotta manage Daddy.

DAVE
Daddy is not gonna let us be a team.

JOHNNY
Don‟t say that. It‟s just gonna take him time to get used to the idea of extending his
family.

DAVE
So I‟m an extension. But your Daddy don‟t want an extension. He wants an
extermination. He wants to cut me out like a weed. Don‟t you see? We‟re never gonna be
happy livin‟ on your Daddy‟s ranch. We can only be a team if we take tail outa here and
find us a new life. Wyoming is a big state. We can find somewhere to start a new life of
our own.

JOHNNY
Don‟t be ridiculous. We can‟t leave Mabel to take care of my father all by herself. And
look at what Phil‟s cowboys have done to Mabel. We can‟t abandon her now. We‟re a
family. We have to take care of each other. It‟ll be tough, but we can do it. If we stay
smart and sober. You get some rest and just sit tight. I‟m going back to the ranch now.

DAVE
Okay, Partner. I‟ll try to stay smart and sober while you tend to the ranch. [JOHNNY
exits down the stairs and out the stage right door to the saloon as Saul enters the stage
left door.]


SAM
Why it seems like that gal is throwin‟ everybody out of her house! Saul, did you get to
drinkin‟ too much too?

SAUL
No, I‟m as sober as a saint, Sam. Why do you ask?


SAM
Young Dave was throwed out of bed by his new wife for drinkin‟. You know those
Carrie Nation types. Once they start throwin‟ somebody out for drinkin‟, they can‟t stop
themselves. They throw everybody out. Even their own father.



Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 5                       Page 119 of 204
TIGE
Good thing women back east don‟t have the vote. They‟d plumb stop whiskey from even
bein‟ sold if they had their way.

SAUL
Don‟t be ridiculous. Nobody‟s gonna stop whiskey from bein‟ sold. Not in this country.
This is America, where a man is free to make his own decisions about his life.

HARRY
I‟ll drink to that. A free country where men can do as they please so long as they don‟t
hurt nobody.

GAL ONE
Yeah, where men can do as they please.

TIGE
What you complainin‟ about girl? You got equal rights here in Wyoming.

GAL ONE
But I still can‟t vote for President. I ain‟t equal till I can have equal say in who‟s runnin‟
the country.

HARRY
You have equal say. Tell me who to vote for and I‟ll vote for him cause I know you‟re
smarter „an me. [He grabs Gal One.] And prettier!

SAUL
Sam. I come here to get Dave. My daughter wants me to bring him back home.

SAM
Well, he‟s sleepin‟ off a few shots of fire water. He took hisself a room upstairs. Maybe
you should let him sober up so he can be perky for his bride. I know most women like
their men perky.

Saul
I suppose you‟re right. I might jest as well take a room myself so we can ride home
together in the morning.

SAM
That‟s a fine idea. I know I got one free.

SAUL
Good. But lemme have a drink first. I hear your beds ain‟t too comfortable.




Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 5                        Page 120 of 204
SAM
Sure thing. A little nightcap‟ll help you sleep tight. [SAM pours Saul a drink. SAUL takes
it to a table. RUNNING BULL rises from another table and sits with Saul.]

RUNNING BULL
I hear congratulations are in order.

SAUL
Well, I guess so. My daughter seems to like this boy.

RUNNING BULL
You don‟t sound terribly joyous yourself however.

SAUL
Well, he‟s a little bit…I don‟t know…a little…

RUNNING BULL
The people seem to like him.

HOMESTEADER ONE
Saul, that boy is a hoot and a holler. He‟s gonna bring a lotta life to your ranch.
Congratulations.

HOMESTEADER TWO
Congratulations, Saul. Your daughter got herself a real sweetheart.

RUNNING BULL
See?

SAUL
Everybody likes him. Even my boy likes him.

RUNNING BULL
So what‟s wrong with that?

SAUL
My boy ain‟t turnin‟ out the way I hoped he would. He cares more about books and
psycho-ologists and all this fiddle faddle from ivory tower citified dandelions, and he
ain‟t interested in buildin‟ up the ranch or takin‟ on the Sheep Shearin‟ Association duties
that I‟m gonna pass on to him. He likes rubber. He wants to put money into auto-mobile
tires. He thinks these auto-mobiles are gonna catch on with the general public.

RUNNING BULL
Maybe he‟s right.




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 5                        Page 121 of 204
SAUL
Oh, come on Running Bull. Those contraptions are never gonna replace horses. For one
thing, you can‟t take „em to a saloon. You drive one of these contraptions to a tavern, you
get a little toasted, and then what‟re you gonna do? With a horse, you‟ve got someone
sober to take you home, but try to maneuver these thingamobobbies while you‟re soused
and you‟ll run „em into a tree or a ditch. Nobody‟s gonna want that.

RUNNING BULL
You may have a point. People will still need horses for when they go out drinking.

SAUL
But my Johnny thinks these gizmos are gonna be the thing of the future. He‟s got no
interest in the ranch. I was hopin‟ Michelle would marry a solid man who would turn
Johnny around by settin‟ a good example. But this kid is… is a…

RUNNING BULL
Is a what?

SAUL
He‟s different. He just likes havin‟ a good time. With everybody.

RUNNING BULL
Saul. You‟re not telling the whole truth. This kid outsmarted Gil Wyeth. Everybody loves
him. Maybe you‟re just a little bit jealous.

SAUL
Oh, no, it‟s not that. It‟s that he‟s…

RUNNING BULL
Young?

SAUL
Young?

RUNNING BULL
Face it, Saul. Every father hates to lose his daughter to a younger man. He‟s going to
replace you in her life. You can‟t hold onto her forever.

SAUL
Why can‟t we hold onto what‟s good and decent in life? Why do the young think they
know everything?

RUNNING BULL
You‟re talking to me about holding onto something good and decent? White people who
thought their way of life was new and marvelous ran like a herd of buffalo over our older
way of life. The American society thinks the thousand year old societies of the Lakota,



Dave and Johnny                          Act II/Scene 5                   Page 122 of 204
the Shoshone, the Arapaho are insignificant. New things push out old things, Saul. That‟s
nature‟s way. It‟s one of the sad truths of nature.

LONG LONG BEFORE THE WHITE MAN
THE INDIAN ROAMED
WYOMING
THE PRAIRIE WAS OPEN LAND
FOR THE SHOSHONE
THEN WHITE MEN SAW THE GRASSLAND
AND MOVED US AWAY
THEY DROVE IN THEIR CATTLE
NO MORE ANTELOPE PLAYED
ON THE WIDE RANGE
THEY LAID THE RAILROAD TRACKS DOWN
CREATED COWBOY BOOM TOWNS
THEN THEY CARVED FARMS USING SHARP BARB-ED WIRE

SAUL [standing up] and RUNNING BULL

MAKE WAY FOR THE NEW
THE TRAIN'S COMING THROUGH
MOVE OVER
IT'S OVER
FOR THE FUTURE IS UNSTOPPABLE NOW
MAKE WAY FOR THE NEW
CAUSE WE HAVE A STATE TO RAISE
FOR MODERN DAYS

RUNNING BULL

YOU DON'T KNOW ONE HALF WHAT WE DO
WE'RE GONNA THROW OUT YOUR COLORS
AND PAINT RED WHITE AND BLUE
AMERICA’S NEW
IT’S A WAY OF LIFE
THAT WE GIVE TO YOU!

SAUL
[Thoroughly depressed, he stands up.] I am not gonna let that crazy boy change my way of life.

RUNNING BULL
Saul. The best advice I can give you is to learn from young people because they have new ideas
and energy, but also be available to tell them stories about your experiences. Your experiences
are true, and they can learn from them. New cultures and old cultures must learn from each other
in order to live in peace. Don‟t be rigid. The rigid bough snaps. The flexible bough bends with the
wind.




Dave and Johnny                          Act II/Scene 5                          Page 123 of 204
SAUL
Running Bull, I am gonna sleep on your words. Cause I think you are wise.

RUNNING BULL
And so are you, Saul. Sleep well tonight, and wake up happy.

SAUL
[gets up and goes to Sam’s counter] Sam, I need a room for the night. I‟m gonna ride
back home with my new son-in-law in the morning, when we‟re both fresh and sober.

SAM
That‟s wonderful to hear. You can take Room…take Room…

SAUL
You gotta free room, don‟t ya‟?

SAM
I got plenty of free rooms; I‟m just tryin‟ to remember which one ain‟t free. I think it‟s
three.

SAUL
Three ain‟t free?

SAM
Or is it two?

SAUL
Didn‟t you write it down?

SAM
Now, why would I have to write somethin‟ like that down? I only got four rooms. It‟s
two that‟s free. No, three. Three‟s the one. I reckon.

SAUL
Well, good then. I‟ll take three.

[SAUL goes up the stairs, stage left, and Room Three lights up again, with DAVE sitting
up in bed.]

DAVE
Dang. I‟m hungry. I ain‟t eaten all day!

[DAVE throws on some clothes as SAUL is walking up the stairs. He leaves Room Three
and goes down the stairs, stage right, so that SAUL doesn’t see him. SAUL enters Room
Three when DAVE is downstairs in the saloon.]




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 5                       Page 124 of 204
SAUL
Well, Sam was right after all. Room Three is empty. But he might coulda‟ had the gal
make up the bed. What am I payin‟ two bits for? Ain‟t no gol dang service anymore.
[SAUL undresses to his long johns and gets into bed. The lights show the saloon again,
and DAVE is at Sam’s counter.]

DAVE
Sam. I‟m hungrier than a grizzly bear. You got any grub?

SAM
Well, it‟s your lucky night. Abigail just put up her famous son of a gun stew. It‟s made in
a sauce thickened with flour, spiced with onions and chilies, and it‟s got stomachs,
kidneys, heart, liver, tongue, brains and prairie oysters. It‟s Western cuisine at its finest.

DAVE
You got any biscuits?

SAM
Sure do! [He drops what seem like rocks on the counter.]

DAVE
These look just fine.

[He takes them up the stairs to Room Three, munching them with difficulty as he goes. He
opens the door to discover SAUL sleeping in his bed, with his pistol on the table.]

Well, ain‟t this a scum-diddly-serendipitous surprise. Saul sleepin‟ in my bed. [He eyes
the pistol and picks it up.] My goodness. All I would have to do is pull this trigger and
say that I thought it was a rattle snake in my bed. And I would cry and cry about what a
horrible accident and everybody would believe me. And I‟d be rid of the one man who
stands in the way of my bein‟ happily settled down with my partner and my wife.

[SAUL wakes up and is aghast at the sight of DAVE pointing a pistol at him.]

SAUL
Ahhhh!

DAVE
Pretty scary sight, ain‟t I?

SAUL
Why are you pointin‟ that at me? And what are you doin‟ in my room?




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 5                        Page 125 of 204
DAVE
Well, I might ask the same question to you, Dad in law. Why you been pointin‟ things at
me all night, and why are you in my room?

SAUL
I never meant to hurt you.

DAVE
It‟s getting‟ hard to believe that.

SAUL
I sometimes get a little confused when I been drinkin‟. Certainly you can understand that,
bein‟ somethin‟ of a drinker yourself.

DAVE
But I don‟t get confused when I drink. I just get happy. [He aims the gun menacingly.]

SAUL
Please forgive me. I didn‟t mean you any harm.

DAVE
And I don‟t mean you any harm. Why don‟t you believe that?

SAUL
I believe you. Let‟s make a truce.

DAVE
It‟s almost dawn. A new day.

SAUL
Yes, a new day.

DAVE
That makes it Sunday morning. In fact, Easter Sunday morning. I suppose I shouldn‟t
shoot you on a Easter Sunday.

[The saloon is now being converted into a church. The COWBOYS and GALS are leaving
as the HOMESTEADERS are entering in their Sunday clothes. The counter that serves as
the bar is now a long pulpit, and Sam is wearing a collar.]

SAM
Welcome, everybody. It‟s wonderful to see you all lookin‟ so well. Please come in and
take your seats. I know you wanna get started with today‟s sermon as much as I do
because when it‟s over I can finally get some sleep. I know a lot of you probably didn‟t
get much sleep last night due to the fact that there was a heap of celebratin‟ goin‟ on after
the wedding of them two young people. That‟s a beautiful thing when two young people



Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 5                       Page 126 of 204
fall in love and promise to treat each other nice for as long as they both shall live. But
you know, there‟s another thing we got to remember on this Easter Sunday. It‟s not
enough to treat the people you love nice. When life is so filled with difficult
circumstances that we cannot control, we gotta be nice to each other in order to survive
the tempests and torments that Mother Nature can dole out. We gotta be nice to each
other even when we don‟t particularly care for one another. We gotta be nice to the
people who get on our nerves. We gotta be nice to the people who borrow money from us
and don‟t pay us back. We gotta be nice to the people that sometimes make us mad, and
pick on us, and call us names, and steal from us, and look at us funny, and even the
people who tell you they‟re gonna return your favorite fishin‟ pole, and you lend it to
them, and they keep it and keep it, and you wanna go fishin‟ but you can‟t because the
gol danged somebody or other don‟t have the decency to get it back to you even though
you asked for it about a hundred times…

HOMESTEADER ONE
Sam, I got your pole. I‟ll bring it back after church.

SAM
Thank you. You gotta be nice even to those people. Cause you never know when you‟re
gonna need that person to be nice to you. You see, we‟re all angels on this earth, only
sometimes we forget. And you mustn‟t forget. Even angels sometimes make mistakes and
sometimes don‟t have any sense of responsibility or decent common courtesy to return
things…

HOMESTEADER ONE
I got your pole, Sam. I‟ll bring it back this afternoon.

SAM
You never know about people. Sometimes they seem like miserable miscreants, but in the
flash of an eye, they can change and be the most magnificent, moral human beings you
ever seed. So you should worry about being decent yourself and never do no harm to
nobody cause you never know when they might be someone you need. You just don‟t
know.

SAM

YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET OUT THE DEVIL
WHEN THE DEVIL GETS IN YOU
MY FRIEND
BUT WHEN YOU SEE PEOPLE
YOU THINK ARE EVIL
BETTER NOT GET TEMPTED TO
TAKE ANY MEASURES YOU MIGHT REGRET.
GET RID OF DELUSIONS
THAT YOU CAN RID THE WORLD OF YOUR ENEMIES
CAUSE HALF THE TIME THE ONES YOU HATE



Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 5                    Page 127 of 204
ARE ON THE EARTH TO MAKE IT GREAT.
SO MANY ANGELS
AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHO

[SAUL and DAVE walk down the stairs together to join the service.]

CHOIR, SAUL, DAVE

SO DON'T YOU SHOOT THOSE ANGELS DOWN
SONNY.
BEST YOU DO NOT
CLIP NO ONE'S WINGS.
IF YOU SHOOT AN ANGEL
YOUR GOOD HOME ON THE RANGE 'LL
BE UNHAPPY QUICK AS ANYTHING.

YOU MAY THINK YOU HAVE GOT THE RIGHT
TO FIGHT FOR GOODNESS SAKE,
BUT FIGHTING NEVER WON NO ONE
NO WEDDING CAKE,
SO DON'T YOU SHOOT DOWN THOSE ANGELS
HONEY
THAT'S A RISK
THAT YOU DON'T WANNA TAKE.

SAM
So I hope that makes sense to you young „uns and old folks alike.

SAUL
Let‟s go home, Son. Let‟s go home. I‟m tired. I need to get some rest.

DAVE
I would love to get some rest, too.

[THEY exit together.]



Scene 6

Sunday at noon. The kitchen at the Lazy S’s. PIERRE is making lunch, humming My
Wyoming, when MABEL enters.

MABEL
Pierre, have you spoken to Pa this morning?




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 5                     Page 128 of 204
PIERRE
When I wake up, I see Monsieur Saul‟s door is closed. I assume he is in the bed sleeping.

MABEL
I hope he‟s in a decent mood. Decent moods are harder and harder to come by for Pa.

PIERRE
We all have been a little bit, how you say, agitee?

MABEL
Is that the French way of saying “put through hell”?

PIERRE
Plus ou mois.

[MICHELLE enters the kitchen.]

MICHELLE
I saw Poppa‟s door closed. That must mean he‟s back from Sam‟s.

MABEL
Pa went to Sam‟s?

MICHELLE
We had a talk last night. He agreed to go fetch Dave and bring him back. He took off on
Frying Pan.

MABEL
And did he bring back Dave?

MICHELLE
Well, I don‟t know.

[JOHNNY enters.]

JOHNNY
Well, I do.

MICHELLE
Where‟s Dave? Is he here?

[DAVE enters.]

DAVE
Yes, he‟s here. A little bleary eyed and bushed, but he‟s here.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 6                     Page 129 of 204
MICHELLE
When did you get back?

DAVE
Well, Saul and I did church together and we came back together after the sunrise Easter
sermon. Then we both hit the sack for some long needed shut-eye.

MICHELLE
Where‟d you sleep?

DAVE
I bunked with Johnny. I didn‟t want to wake you up and ruin your beauty sleep.

MICHELLE
Well, that was nice of you. I reckon.

DAVE
I‟m nothin‟ if I‟m not nice.

MABEL
So you and Pa are okay?

DAVE
Well, so far. But you know your Daddy‟s moods kinda‟ turn on a dime.

JOHNNY
Yes, it‟s something we‟ve noticed about him.

DAVE
Well, I wanna set things right. This marriage ain‟t gonna work until I can settle a truce
between Saul and Phil.

PIERRE
It would be easier to make peace in the Philippines.

DAVE
Yeah, well…

PIERRE
Or make peace between the Tsar and the Russian people.

DAVE
Well…

PIERRE
Or make peace between Teddy Roosevelt and Howard Taft.



Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 6                     Page 130 of 204
DAVE
Boy, Pierre, you sure are on top of things.

MABEL
Pierre reads newspapers.

JOHNNY
Good for you Pierre.

DAVE
Well, I don‟t read the papers much, but I do think I have an idea as to how I can make
Phil and the Cattlemen‟s Consortium calm down.

MICHELLE
Maybe it‟s best to keep a proper distance from Phil and his cowboys.

JOHNNY
You got some kind of plan?

DAVE
I do. And I don‟t wanna make Saul get nervous, so it‟s best not to tell him what I‟m about.
But I think I know how to make peace with the Triple U‟s and if you‟ll just trust me, I
think everything will come out all right.

MICHELLE
I don‟t know, Dave. You are sometimes a little more creative than judicious.

JOHNNY
I trust you.

DAVE
You just tell Saul that I‟ve gone to visit my old Aunt Sadie. Say that I was so moved by
this morning‟s Easter sermon, that I decided to pay that crusty old battleaxe a visit to tell
her the good news about my marriage. He‟ll understand that.

JOHNNY
You have an Aunt Sadie?

DAVE
Probably.

MICHELLE
When will you be back?




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 6                        Page 131 of 204
DAVE
By nightfall, I hope. Believe me, this is gonna work. And just like my momma used to say, there
ain‟t no problem…

JOHNNY
We know. Patience, creativity and time.

DAVE

NEVER SAY
THERE'S NO WAY
THERE IS A WAY IF YOU JUST MAKE THE PLAN
EV’RY PROBLEM HAS ITS OWN SOLUTION
SO YOU'VE GOTTA TAKE CHARGE AND SHOUT OUT YES I CAN
YOU'VE GOT A MIND, SO FIND OUT HOW TO USE IT
AND YOU'LL BE AMAZED AT HOW IT WORKS
THEY SAY THAT PEOPLE ALL HAVE BRAINS, YES, EVEN JERKS
SO START DIGGIN' DEEP
DON'T STAND THEIR BLEATIN' LIKE A SHEEP
TURN ON A LIGHT
DON'T GO TO SLEEP
AND YOU'LL FIND THAT PATIENCE CREATIVITY
YES PATIENCE CREATIVITY AND TIME
CAN MAKE THE MOUNTAIN YOURS TO CLIMB
YOU'LL MAKE IT RIGHT UP TO THE CREST
WITH SOME PATIENCE CREATIVITY IN JEST
A LITTLE TI-IME

DAVE
[looks lovingly in Johnny’s eyes] And I‟ll be back as quick as I can. [looks lovingly in
Michelle’s eyes] See you later, Mrs. Dave Jessen. [He gives her a good, long kiss.] Ain‟t
you glad we‟re married? [He doesn’t wait for an answer and exits.]

JOHNNY
[to Michelle] Well, aren‟t you? [She is still too stunned to respond.] Well, I am.

[SAUL enters.]

MICHELLE
Poppa!

MABEL
Pa!

PIERRE
Monsieur Saul!


Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 6                         Page 132 of 204
JOHNNY
Hello, Daddy! Did you sleep well?

SAUL
Like a lamb. I‟m finally at peace with your husband, Michelle. Where is he, honey?

JOHNNY
He‟s gone.

MICHELLE
To see his aunt.

SAUL
To see his aunt?

PIERRE
She is a crusty battleaxe.

SAUL
A what?

MABEL
Pa, he said he was inspired by Sam‟s Easter sermon this morning, so he‟s gonna visit his
old aunt…

JOHNNY
His estranged aunt.

SAUL
He has a strange aunt?

JOHNNY
No, Daddy. She‟s estranged. She doesn‟t get along with the rest of the family, and Dave
is feelin‟ so happy and blessed that you‟ve accepted him into our family, that he wants to
make his unpopular aunt feel accepted too. It‟s what the Chinese people call karma.

SAUL
Who?

JOHNNY
It‟s not a who. It‟s an idea. That if somebody makes you feel happy, then you should
make somebody else feel happy in turn. And that makes the whole world nicer.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 6                      Page 133 of 204
SAUL
I don‟t trust them foreign philosophies. And the only thing I trust about the Chinese is
their cookin‟. Somethin‟ smells fishy about what you‟re tellin‟ me. No sooner do I bring
him back into the house than he‟s gone again to see some distant relative. That‟s one hell
of a way to show gratitude.

MICHELLE
Poppa, you mustn‟t be so suspicious of people all the time. I think it‟s wonderful what
Dave‟s doin‟. I‟m proud of my husband. He just loves people, that‟s all.


SAUL
People who love everybody don‟t really love nobody. You can spread love a little too
thin, you know. I‟m always wary of people who don‟t hate nobody.

JOHNNY
Daddy, a world where everybody‟s always mistrusting is a world hardly worth living in.

SAUL
Get your head out of the clouds, boy. This is the real world we‟re talkin‟ about. You gotta
mistrust. Everybody and everything. That‟s what keeps you on top. Wake up, make some
coffee, and smell the manure.



Scene 7

Sunday afternoon. The grazing area by the Dusty River. PHIL, TIGE, HARRY and DAVE
are standing by cows munching on some grass.

PHIL
So let me see if I understand this properly. Saul has refused to let you marry his little
jezebel.

DAVE
I can‟t talk to him anymore. He‟s just gone loco. He don‟t trust nobody, and he‟s tried to
kill me twice. You see, he believes that I‟m responsible for Mabel getting‟ raped.

PHIL
You?

DAVE
On account of maybe I made you mad by rustlin‟ your herd, so you took revenge.

PHIL
Me?



Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 6                        Page 134 of 204
TIGE
What give you that idea?

HARRY
Yeah, what?

DAVE
Well, Saul thinks that because you think that I rustled your herd you mighta had some of
your men do harm to Miss Mabel as a sort of act of revenge. But that‟s a ridickalous
notion, ain‟t it.

HARRY
Totally ridickalous, right Tige?

TIGE
I ain‟t never heared of somethin‟ so outlandish.

PHIL
Revenge? Why that would be illegal, and Wyoming is a state. Why would I take an act of
revenge when I could simply avail myself of the legal remedies that this newly civilized
society affords me?

DAVE
Well, that‟s what Saul thinks. So now I‟m in somethin‟ of a pickle. But I wanna set things
right by comin‟ clean out with the truth. After all, we can‟t fix things if we ain‟t gonna be
totally honest with each other.

PHIL
And what truth do you wish to divulge?

DAVE
Well, I‟d like to divulge that I did, more or less, in a manner of speakin‟, if you wanna
get totally specific…

PHIL
What?

DAVE
I did rustle your herd. And I wanna make things up to you so that in case you were
thinkin‟ of maybe one day in the future foregoin‟ the statutory route through the judicial
system that the great state of Wyoming affords you, and maybe makin‟ a muck heap of
Saul‟s ranch, or shootin‟ any more of his sheep, or havin‟ your boys molest his offspring,
that I would effect something of a truce by rustlin‟ you back the cattle that I may have
accidentally, in an injudicious moment of unanticipated stupor, took from you.

TIGE
Was that English you just spoke?


Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 7                       Page 135 of 204
DAVE
Ain‟t it purty? Language spoke proper can be so beautiful, can it not be?

PHIL
And so you want to make things up to me? Why should I believe you or trust you?

DAVE
I‟ll do what it takes to make things up to you just so‟s you‟ll lay off of Saul and his ranch
so we can finally have some peace. This back and forth of petty vengeance is more
annoyin‟ than a gnats‟ nest.

PHIL
So you think that giving me back my cows will solve everything. That is a splendidly
naïve little notion you have.

DAVE
Well, what else can I do? I‟m willing to do practically anything.

[FRANKIE enters from behind Dave so that he doesn’t realize at first who he is.]

FRANKIE
Father, mummy‟s got the tickets. But I‟m so disappointed. You promised one of your
cowboys would take me camping out at the cabin, and in two days, mummy and I are off
to see the world and I shall never have roughed it in the Wyoming wilderness. [FRANKIE
sees Dave.] Dave! Oh, Daddy, it‟s Dave!

DAVE
Hello, Frankie.

PHIL
I‟m sorry, Frankie, all my boys have been busy making necessary repairs to the ranch. I
simply can‟t spare them as much as I desire that you be continually entertained here.
Perhaps when you return from your voyage.

DAVE
You‟re goin‟ on a voyage, Frankie?

FRANKIE
Yes, there‟s a ship from Galveston to Havana, and then a big ocean liner from Havana to
India by way of that big canal President Roosevelt built.

PHIL
Yes, he finally built his canal thanks to those revolting Panamanians. Americans are so
clever at helping people find freedom whenever there‟s a business opportunity.




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 7                       Page 136 of 204
DAVE
Yes, we are a helpful bunch.

FRANKIE
Pater, I so wanted to go camping at the wilderness cabin that you bought me.

PHIL
Frankie, I think I may know somebody who could be available to you in this regard.

FRANKIE
[staring at Dave] Oh, do you Father? Do you really?

PHIL
Dave has a small task to perform for me today, but afterwards, I have the feeling that
he‟d be perfectly delighted to act as your camping mentor. As he says, the Americans are
such a helpful bunch. And Wyomingites most especially epitomize that munificent
character.

FRANKIE
Oh, how jolly! Oh, how thrilling! We can be camping partners!

PHIL
Well, good then. Frankie. Let‟s go back to the house, and after Dave performs his duty
with Tige and Harry, he‟ll take you camping at your little cabin.

FRANKIE
Oh, Dave, this is so sporting of you!

DAVE
Well, gosh Frankie, I‟m nothin‟ if I ain‟t a good sport.

[FRANKIE and PHIL exit.]

TIGE
Well, well, well.

DAVE
Well.

HARRY
Lucky little nursemaid.

DAVE
Jack of all trades.




Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 7                   Page 137 of 204
TIGE
Okay, partner. Getting‟ down to today‟s dung, do you expect us to believe that you are
gonna steal Saul‟s cattle after you married his daughter? Mebbe a foreigner like Phil will
fall for that malarkey, but we we‟re Americans, and we know a pile a bull pie when we
smell it.

DAVE
You ain‟t thinkin‟ then. I have to make my peace with your boss if I‟m ever gonna have
peace with my father-in-law. It‟s just common sense.

HARRY
What makes you think you can jest waltz up to Saul‟s herd and walk away with half of it?

DAVE
Well, I know a trick or two.

TIGE
Well, we ain‟t gonna help you. Saul‟s an addle-brained idiot, but we don‟t wanna get shot
at by none of his men. Sorry to disappoint you.

DAVE
What makes you think that I need to subject us to acts of violence in order to effectuate
this surreptition?

HARRY
Say that slower.

DAVE
There are other ways to get around Saul‟s men without getting‟ shot at.

TIGE
You gonna sweet talk his men into handin‟ over their steers?

DAVE
Well, you‟re close. I‟m gonna sweet sing „em into it.

HARRY
Sing „em?

DAVE
I got this secret weapon. I know how to sing so sweet, that it puts a growed man to sleep
just as if I hit „em with a jack hammer.

TIGE
That‟s plumb ridicaliss.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 7                       Page 138 of 204
HARRY
What kinda song can you sing that would put a growed man to sleep?

DAVE
A lullaby.

HARRY
A lullaby?

TIGE
A song for babies?

DAVE
You don‟t believe me?

TIGE
No, we don‟t believe you. You can‟t just sing a song and put a growed man to sleep.

DAVE

LOVE IS MY GUIDE
LOVE GIVES ME HOPE
AND LOVE TAKES CARE OF ME
LOVE LEADS ME TO PLAY
IN SWEET GREEN PASTURES
NEATH THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY
NEAR CLEAR COOL CREEKS.
LOVE SAVES ME FROM FIGHTS
SENDS FRIENDS AT NIGHT
SO I NEVER FEAR
ANYTHING
CAUSE I CAN FLY HIGH
ON LOVE'S WUH-I-INGS.

HARRY
[drowsily] Well, that‟s a purty song, but it didn‟t put us to sleep, did it? That ain‟t gonna
work.

TIGE
But sing it again.

DAVE

[TIGE and HARRY find it harder and harder to stay awake through the second round.]
LOVE IS MY GUIDE
LOVE GIVES ME HOPE



Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 7                        Page 139 of 204
AND LOVE TAKES CARE OF ME
LOVE LEADS ME TO PLAY
IN SWEET GREEN PASTURES
NEATH THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY
NEAR CLEAR COOL CREEKS.
LOVE SAVES ME FROM FIGHTS
SENDS FRIENDS AT NIGHT
SO I NEVER FEAR
ANYTHING
CAUSE I CAN FLY HIGH
ON LOVE'S WUH-I-INGS.

[TIGE and HARRY are fast asleep.]

This is just like takin‟ cattle from a baby. Where is that branding iron? Oh, here it is.
[DAVE picks up the Triple U branding iron. He sings the song a third time while
branding the cows in exactly the same fashion that he and Johnny branded them in Act
One, turning the brands into Lazy S’s brands. The twelve cows moo in indignation as he
brands them. ]

LOVE IS MY GUIDE [Moo!]
LOVE GIVES ME HOPE [Moo!]
AND LOVE TAKES CARE OF ME[Moo!]
LOVE LEADS ME TO PLAY [Moo!]
IN SWEET GREEN PASTURES [Moo!]
NEATH THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY [Moo!]
NEAR CLEAR COOL CREEKS. [Moo!]
LOVE SAVES ME FROM FIGHTS [Moo!]
SENDS FRIENDS AT NIGHT [Moo!]
SO I NEVER FEAR
ANYTHING [Moo!]
CAUSE I CAN FLY HIGH [Moo!]
ON LOVE'S WUH-I-INGS. [Moo!]

Wake up pardners!

TIGE
What?

HARRY
What time is it?

DAVE
Time to hit the hay! That was a good day‟s work! I told you we could do it!

HARRY
Do what?


Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 7                      Page 140 of 204
DAVE
What do you mean, what? Why, we went over to Saul‟s herd, and I put those boys to
sleep with my song! Then we rustled ourselves these steers. Look! Saul‟s cattle. We sure
pulled a fast one on those dumb old boys.

TIGE
We did?

DAVE
We sure did! We tricked „em good.

HARRY
Well, how about that. We did!

TIGE
We got Saul‟s cows without any shootin‟.

DAVE
I told you we could do it.

HARRY
But these cows have his brand. He‟s gonna find out.

TIGE
No problem. We just have to take the Triple U branding iron and place it on the brand
like so [TIGE brands a cow]

COW
Moo!

TIGE
And it makes the brand look like a lot of zeroes.

HARRY
Or we can put it this a way [he brands the cow again]

COW
Moo!

HARRY
And it will look like a lot of eights.

TIGE
Or maybe if we mark it slanty ways, it‟ll look a lot of curly cues.




Dave and Johnny                          Act II/Scene 7                 Page 141 of 204
COW
Moo! [The cow runs off stage.]

HARRY
Come back here little doggie. We ain‟t gonna hurt ya‟! [He chases after it.]

TIGE
I don‟t know what makes these heifers so skiddish.

DAVE
I guess they‟re just thin-skinned.

Scene 8

Sunday night. Frankie’s cabin in the woods.

FRANKIE
Oh, Dave, this is so exciting being out here in the wilderness, just you and I.

DAVE
Well, I‟m glad you‟re delirious, Frankie.

FRANKIE
It feels so dangerous.

DAVE
Frankly, Frankie, it ain‟t like we‟re cut off from civilization. Your daddy installed this
here telephone, so if we was to get into trouble, we could just make a phone call.

FRANKIE
Isn‟t technology wonderful?

DAVE
Of course, the telephone wouldn‟t do us a heap of good if a huge grizzly bear jumped
through the window and started to maul us.

FRANKIE
A grizzly bear? Are there grizzly bears around here?

DAVE
Only when they‟re hungry.

FRANKIE
Thank goodness this cabin is equipped with weaponry. Look! Pater gave me this gun for
protection. [HE points it at Dave, who points Frankie’s arm in another direction.]




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 7                       Page 142 of 204
DAVE
Well, then, I guess we have nothing to worry about. The only danger out here would be if
we got snowed in.

FRANKIE
In April?

DAVE
Well, this is Wyoming. The weather can be fickle.

FRANKIE
Oh, you‟re being silly.

DAVE
No, it‟s been known to snow almost up to May. Mother Nature is a lady of many moods
and mysterious ways. Of course, it would be a lot more likely in the winter.

FRANKIE
Well, fortunately, the weather is marvelous now. And we‟re going to have such a peachy
time together. I love America. It‟s so real!

DAVE
Ain‟t England real?

FRANKIE
No, it‟s stuffy and pretentious. And so boring. When I‟m in London, I can‟t have any
wild fun like I can have here.

DAVE
Oh, what kind of wild fun can you have here?

FRANKIE
Well, for one thing, look what I found in father‟s liquor cabinet! [He pulls a bottle of
whiskey out of a cupboard.]

DAVE
Well, ain‟t you a hoot and half, little scout. You been explorin‟!

FRANKIE
You won‟t tell, will you?

DAVE
Why would I do a thing like that? This will be our little secret! [He takes a swig.]

FRANKIE
Oh, we‟re going to have such a jolly time! [He swigs and coughs.]



Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 8                       Page 143 of 204
DAVE
Easy there partner!

FRANKIE
Let me try that again. [He swigs again and coughs again.] Oh what fun! We‟re really
roughing it now, aren‟t we?

DAVE
I know I am.

FRANKIE
Oh, Dave, sing me a cowboy song. I remember when I first saw you, it was at Sam‟s
saloon and you sang a song about two cowboys beating the trail together.

DAVE
Hitting the trail.

FRANKIE
I love American. It‟s such a feisty language.

DAVE
Yeah, that‟s a great song. It‟s about two partners startin‟ off together, far from the crazy
world of snarlin‟ and fightin‟, just the two of them findin‟ a peaceful life away from it all.

FRANKIE
Like you and me now!

DAVE
Yeah, like you and me now.

FRANKIE
Sing it! It starts with packing up the carriage, doesn‟t it?

DAVE
[THE] WAGON'S PACKED
THE RIFLE'S RACKED
HARNESS THE HORSE.
PICK UP THE GEAR
THE TIME IS NEAR
CLEAR IS OUR COURSE.
EVERYTHING IS TIED UP TIGHT
AND SETTIN' RIGHT
JUST WHERE IT SHOULD STAY.
WE ARE GONNA HIT THE ROAD TODAY.




Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 8                       Page 144 of 204
FRANKIE

OUR FUTURE LIES NEATH OTHER SKIES.
THERE IS A LAND
WITH NO MORE WAR, SO FAR
FAR FROM THE FRAY.
BY MORNING LIGHT
WE MAKE OUR FLIGHT
TO A GOOD PLACE TO STAY
KNOWIN' WE WON'T FAIL TO FIND A BETTER DAY.

BOTH

GETTING ON THE ROAD
PACKIN' UP A LOAD
LEAVIN' FIELDS WE HOED
FOR OUR NEW LIFE.

GETTING ON OUR WAY
TO FIND THE LAND OF
DREAMS WITH NO MORE STRIFE.

DAVE

FINDING A NEW PATH
LEAVIN' OUT THE WRATH
DOIN' A NEW MATH FOR SOULS ABOVE
TO ADD THE FUN, SUBTRACT THE GUN
AND MULTIPLY THE LOVE.

FRANKIE

OUR WHEELS ARE OILED
WE'VE PLANNED AND TOILED
TO TAKE A LITTLE JOURNEY.
IT'S NOW OR NEVER LET'S GET GETTIN' ON TODAY...

BOTH

GETTIN' ON THE ROAD
PUTTIN' INTO PLAY
EVERY PLAN WE SOWED
HAPPY COME WHAT MAY
READY TO EXPLODE
SO MAKE WAY!




Dave and Johnny           Act II/Scene 8          Page 145 of 204
FRANKIE
Oh, Dave! I‟m so happy that we‟re here together.

DAVE
I‟m feelin‟ happy too, Frankie. A lot happier than I thought I‟d be. I like you Frankie.
More than I thought I did. Of course, the whiskey helps to accentuate the feeling.

FRANKIE
Yes, and the powder I added to the bottle.

DAVE
Powder?

FRANKIE
Oh, Dave, don‟t think me naughty. I know I should have told you. But another thing that
I appropriated from Daddy‟s desk drawer was his therapeutic powder.

DAVE
Special powder?

FRANKIE
Yes, it‟s something they‟ve been developing at a chemical company in Germany and
Daddy thinks he‟ll invest in it. It makes you feel extra happy. Extra, extra happy. Even
ecstatic, actually. They‟re going to sell it to the German psychologists. And you know
those Germans!

DAVE
Not really. What about „em?

FRANKIE
They‟re always so unhappy. Daddy‟s going to make a fortune!

DAVE
So you slipped me some of this happy powder?

FRANKIE
I hope you don‟t mind.

DAVE
Huh. Well, I feel okay, Frankie, but maybe you oughta tell people before you put happy
powder into their whiskey. That might be more ethical.

FRANKIE
Oh, I‟m sorry. I just wanted us to be happy together. Don‟t hate me.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 8                       Page 146 of 204
DAVE
How could I hate you? In fact, I think I really like you. Of course, I also like this chair.
[He rubs up against a wooden chair.]

FRANKIE
And I like you. Another thing about this powder is that it helps people tell their true
feelings to each other. And I want to tell you my true feelings.

DAVE
Let me guess. You love me.

FRANKIE
How did you know?

DAVE
Frankly, Frankie, I‟m adorable. It‟s a blessing and a curse.

FRANKIE
Now you tell me something totally honest. Then we‟ll have shared secrets with one
another and we‟ll be partners for life.

DAVE
Oh, I can‟t think of anything offhand.

FRANKIE
Oh, try. Please try. Tell me a secret about something naughty you‟ve done with cowboys!

DAVE
Well, this afternoon I…

FRANKIE
Yes? Yes?

DAVE
Now, you‟re not going to tell your daddy this…

FRANKIE
Oh, of course not! We‟re partners.

DAVE
Well, I fooled dumb ole Tige and Harry into thinkin‟ I rustled some of Saul‟s cattle but
what I really did was sing Tige and Harry to sleep, and then I changed the brand of your
daddy‟s cattle to make it look like the Lazy S‟s brand, just like Johnny and me done the
first time, and when dumb old Tige and Harry woke up, they thunk we had all rustled
Saul‟s herd together. Ain‟t that somethin‟? Sometimes I amaze myself.




Dave and Johnny                          Act II/Scene 8                       Page 147 of 204
FRANKIE
Oh, Dave, you are marvelous!

DAVE
And sometimes I talk a whole lot.

FRANKIE
Oh, don‟t worry. We‟re just having fun.

DAVE
Yeah, ain‟t we. Now you and I are gonna keep this just between you and I, right partner?

FRANKIE
I‟ll keep everything between you and me on one condition.

DAVE
What‟s that?

FRANKIE
[He puts his arm around Dave.] That you‟ll stay close, close by me tonight because I am
so terrified of grizzly bears. I need to feel…protected…partner! [snuggling] My
American partner! You Americans are such a helpful bunch!

DAVE
Ain‟t we just?
[Dave smiles nervously as the lights dim.]


Scene 9

Tuesday at noon, two days later. In front of the Lazy S’s. JOHNNY is tying up some
rubber soled shoes. MICHELLE comes out the front door.

MICHELLE
Johnny, Pierre‟s got some kinda gooey lunch ready. He worked all morning on it, so
you‟d better come in and pretend you like it.

JOHNNY
I‟ll be in shortly.

MICHELLE
What are you investigating now?




Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 8                     Page 148 of 204
JOHNNY
These are some rubber soled shoes that the US Rubber company is putting out. They‟re amazing.
They‟re light and the rubber bottoms cling to the ground, so they‟re perfect for running really fast
on any kind of terrain.

MICHELLE
Why would you wanna run on any terrain? What‟s wrong with a horse?

JOHNNY
For exercise! For fun! This is the twentieth century, girl. People are gonna have more and
more free time to do things for fun.

MICHELLE
Well, I suppose if you‟re bein‟ chased by a bobcat they might come in handy.

JOHNNY
I‟m planning to invest in these things. They‟re gonna take the nation by storm. They just
need a good name for marketing.

MICHELLE
How about All Terrain Running Shoes?

JOHNNY
No. Something catchy. One thing I like about them is they‟re quiet like Indian moccasins.
So you can sneak up on somebody without their hearing your footsteps.

MICHELLE
Call „em stealthy shoes.

JOHNNY
No. Sounds too British. These are an American invention.

MICHELLE
American? How about sneaky shoes?

JOHNNY
That‟s not bad. Sneaky shoes. I like that.

MICHELLE
Come in for lunch.

JOHNNY
But first look at what I‟ve been working on. These are boots with rubber soles.

MICHELLE
Why would anybody want rubber soles on a boot? How‟re you gonna make a horse pay
attention if you kick its sides with rubber?


Dave and Johnny                           Act II/Scene 9                          Page 149 of 204
JOHNNY
No, no! They‟re not for riding. They‟re for hiking.

MICHELLE
Hiking?

JOHNNY
For walking up steep grades and on slippery rocks. Like for walking down an icy road.

MICHELLE
What fool kind of person would walk down an icy road?

JOHNNY
Well, if you had to, these would hold better than leather. I‟m telling you, rubber is the
wave of the future. People are getting health conscious. Livestock isn‟t the future. In a
hundred years, people won‟t even be eating meat.

MICHELLE
Why not?

JOHNNY
Because machines will be doing the hard work. So they won‟t need to eat meat. They‟ll
just eat high-protein vegetables and they‟ll be having lots of leisure time, playing and
running and hiking, and they‟ll need rubber soles to do it.

MICHELLE
You are a dreamer.

[DAVE enters.]

DAVE
And that‟s why we love him so, ain‟t it?

JOHNNY
Dave!

DAVE
I‟m back.

JOHNNY
You‟re back.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 9                        Page 150 of 204
DAVE
Hello, spouse.

MICHELLE
How did things go with the enemy?

DAVE
He‟s not our enemy no more. I made everything peachy with Phil and his spawn.

JOHNNY
Frankie?

DAVE
I apologized for rustlin‟ his herd and I returned his cows.

JOHNNY
What do you mean? His cows are still here.

DAVE
I made him think I returned his cows. So he‟s happy as a horse in a hayloft.

MICHELLE
I‟m not sure I wanna hear this story.

DAVE
Don‟t worry. He‟s not gonna be any trouble anymore. Not only does he think his cows
are back, I did a good turn by taking Frankie camping out at his little wilderness cabin.
That was a big favor and he was most obliged to me for doin‟ it. Frankie‟s now off sailin‟
the seven seas with his mama, and he‟s a happy little camper.

JOHNNY
Well, that‟s wonderful. Now things will quiet down around here and we can finally live
in peace without Daddy dreaming nutty nightmares about how you‟re bad luck.

DAVE
I‟m anything but bad luck. I have the bestest partner in the world, the most wonderfulest
wife, and I live in the most beautifulest state in the nation.

[RICARDO enters.]

RICARDO
Johnny, I got a problem. I told Beth I will take her into town this afternoon, but I forgot is
my turn to watch the sheep. Ya me lo regué. Que desmadre.

DAVE
Hey, Ricardo. Don‟t you worry about a thing. I can tend to the sheep. I‟m back!



Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 9                       Page 151 of 204
RICARDO
Oh, that is so kind of you, Dave!

DAVE
Well, I like to be helpful.

JOHNNY
Why things are working out just fine. We‟re gonna have some of Pierre‟s latest
concoction, and then we‟ll mosey on by with a basket.

DAVE
Thanks. That‟s ripticious-tacular! The three of us picnicking…like a family. Hasta luego,
mujer y hermano. [He exits.]

RICARDO
Thank you, Dave. Hasta luego, compadres. [He exits.]

JOHNNY
A la comida, mi hermana?

MICHELLE
Aprez vous, mon frere.

[SAUL comes out the front door with a dour look.]

JOHNNY
Daddy, we were just coming in for lunch. And guess what! Dave‟s back from his Aunt
Sadie. They had a fine time. She‟s very happy about the marriage. They have totally
patched up their family squabbles.

SAUL
Is that right? Aunt Sadie‟s a happy gal, then, is she?

JOHNNY
Happier than a cat caught in a kettle of cream.

SAUL
Well, I‟m glad she‟s so happy. Because I just got a telephone call from Phil. He said
Dave was over to his ranch these past few days. He says Dave and our family have made
a fool of him for the last time. He says Dave did a dastardly trick that he won‟t forgive
and worse than that, Dave got little Frankie drunk and took advantage of him. Phil says
that his phone call was the last piece of civilized communication we are gonna receive
from him. That we are gonna pay in no uncertain terms for the humiliation that he and his
family have had to endure on account of your little husband.




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 9                    Page 152 of 204
MICHELLE
Poppa…

SAUL
I swear to you here and now, that this little nightmare is gonna get gone from our life, and
he‟s never gonna beleaguer this family again! Now get inside for Pierre‟s goddamn grub!


Scene 10

Tuesday at sundown. On Dave’s sheep pasturing hillside. Dave is grazing Saul’s sheep,
which are more numerous than the herd he was grazing on his own. They are bleating
more and more loudly.

DAVE
Tarnation, kids. You all are making a racket this evening. Why don‟t you watch the sun
go down quietly. It‟s a beautiful show.

[LOLA starts to wander off down the hill.]

Lola, don‟t wander off. We don‟t want anybody goin‟ near the deadline and causin‟
trouble. I spent a whole lot of energy makin‟ peace with the Cattlemen‟s Consortium, so
don‟t go ruinin‟ my good work by getting‟ greedy for greener grass. Our side of the line
is just fine, so stay here.

[LOLA nods her assent.]

Good girl.

[DAVE pulls out a harmonica and starts to play the Shepherd’s Lullaby. We see a
beautiful sunset starting to form. JOHNNY enters with a duffel bag.]

Hey, Partner!

JOHNNY
Dave.

DAVE
What you got there? That‟s an awful big sack if it‟s dinner.

JOHNNY
It isn‟t dinner.

DAVE
Are we gonna camp out here with tonight? Where‟s Michelle?




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 9                       Page 153 of 204
JOHNNY
Dave. I brought your clothes.

DAVE
My clothes?

JOHNNY
You‟ve got to make yourself scarce.

LOLA
Baaa!

DAVE
But I just got back.

JOHNNY
Phil called Daddy on the telephone. He was sayin‟ that you tricked him. And that you got
Frankie drunk and molested him in some way.

DAVE
Phil said that?

JOHNNY
Dave, what happened? What was it you did?

DAVE
What I did was…I told Phil I‟d return the cows we rustled…

JOHNNY
And what did you do, actually?

DAVE
I actually rebranded his cows to make them look like ours so he‟d think I‟d given him
cows from Saul‟s stock.

JOHNNY
Well, he seems to have gotten wise to your trick.

DAVE
Frankie!

JOHNNY
And did you really do something with him?




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 10                   Page 154 of 204
DAVE
That little slitherer slipped me some happy powder and had himself a party slidin‟ and
slobberin‟ all over me.

JOHNNY
Oh, Dave. Things have gotten terribly out of hand.

DAVE
Oh, Johnny. I was hopin‟ I could make peace with Phil and solve all our problems.

JOHNNY
Well, now Daddy wants to kill you in earnest, so you‟re gonna have to get out of Sherona
County.

LOLA
Baa!

DAVE
Oh, Johnny…Oh, Johnny.

JOHNNY
I know. I know.

DAVE
I got high on my horse thinkin‟ I was Ulysses S. Grant and now I end up as Audie Custer.

JOHNNY
It was a dance that Daddy and Phil started, Dave. It just got out of hand.

DAVE
Your Daddy wants to kill me because he and Phil are fightin‟ over livestock. Over who
owns the grass. And over who drives the most cows to slaughter.

JOHNNY
Fighting over meat that in the future probably nobody will be eating.

DAVE
Why…How…What…

JOHNNY
It‟s society, Dave. It‟s just crazy, that‟s all. It‟s the human condition. But now you have
to get far away from here.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 10                        Page 155 of 204
DAVE
My Mama once read me somethin‟ from Shakespeare about us bein‟ characters in a show
to amuse the people in heaven. Well, I sure hope the angels are getting‟ their full dose of
entertainment because I‟m feeling awful low. In fact, I‟m hurtin‟, Johnny. I‟m really
hurtin‟.

JOHNNY

THIS IS MADNESS.
THIS IS WRONG.
THIS IS SICK.
BUT
NOW YOU MUST
BE REAL SMART.
GET OUT QUICK.
GET AWAY
REAL FAST.
DON'T WAIT.
YOU'LL RETURN
WHEN IT'S SAFE
TO COME BACK
AND JOIN US

DAVE

I DON’T WANT TO WAKE UP
EVERY MORNING
NEXT TO AIR




JOHNNY

PLEASE LISTEN.
IT’S NOT SMART TO TARRY.
THOUGH WE LOVE YOU,
IT’S NOT WISE
TO SIT TIGHT,
AND THOUGH WE CAN’T BEAR IT
THAT YOU’RE FAR
AWAY
PROMISE ME YOU’LL BE



Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 10                       Page 156 of 204
CAREFUL 'CAUSE
WE NEED TO SEE
YOU KEEP ALIVE
SO DO NOT STAY.

DAVE

HOW LONG WILL THIS BE?

JOHNNY

DON’T KNOW.
BUT WE'LL POST
NEWS WITH SAM
AND HE’LL
TELL YOU TO
COME HOME
WHEN THIS MADNESS ENDS.

DAVE

YOU’LL LET ME PLEASE COME HOME…

BOTH

WHEN THIS MADNESS ENDS.

[They hug. DAVE starts crying. The music resumes and they dance a two step together as
the sun sets. They end up kissing.]




Scene 11

Wednesday morning. In the grand salon of the Lazy S’s. MABEL is frantic, as she runs to
the front door and calls out.

MABEL
Michelle! Michelle, Pierre‟s got breakfast. Johnny, breakfast.

[MABEL turns to the hallway as RICARDO enters through the door.]
Ricardo. Have you seen Johnny or Michelle?



Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 10                   Page 157 of 204
RICARDO
No. I have been with Beth. I was with her all night, but please Senorita Mabel, you won‟t
tell nobody.

MABEL
Of course not, Ricardo.

RICARDO
That was nice of Dave to watch the sheep for me. Is he back yet?

MABEL
He‟s not coming back, Ricardo. There‟s been some trouble.

RICARDO
Again trouble?

MABEL
It seems to follow us around.

Ricardo
I‟m so sorry. I hope it will pass.

MABEL
Johnny went to tell Dave to leave Sherona County for a while.

RICARDO
This is serious trouble.

[JOHNNY enters the front door.]

JOHNNY
Yes, Ricardo. I‟m afraid this is really serious trouble.

MABEL
Is Dave gone?

Johnny
I sent him packing.

MABEL
I can‟t find Michelle. I haven‟t seen her since she went out to milk the cow.

[SAUL enters the salon.]




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 11                     Page 158 of 204
SAUL
Where have you been all night?

JOHNNY
Carousing.

SAUL
You don‟t carouse. Where were you?

MABEL
Pa, we can‟t find Michelle.

SAUL
She‟d better not be with that boy. If she is, she‟s not coming back to this house.

JOHNNY
No, she‟s not with that boy.

SAUL
What makes you so sure?

JOHNNY
Believe me, I‟m sure.

SAUL
And just where the hell were you?

[The phone rings. SAUL answers it. PHIL is at the other end, and we see him in a
spotlight at the other side of the stage, phone in hand.]

Michelle, is that you?

PHIL
Good morning, Saul. Are you looking for your whore of a daughter?

SAUL
What have you done?

PHIL
Why, I haven‟t done anything. But imagine my surprise when Tige and Harry told me
that your little trollope came to visit. Apparently she‟s courting my boys.

SAUL
What have you done you little Limey lizard?




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 11                       Page 159 of 204
PHIL
I haven‟t done anything. But your little darling seems to have locked herself up with my
two cowboys. Apparently her nymphomaniacal reputation is completely deserved.

SAUL
If you touch one hair of her head…

PHIL
What are you going to do, Saul? Call the sheriff? Sam will grab his cane and his mule
and hop along to see what‟s up?

SAUL
I‟ll get a posse.

Paul
Your sheep herding homesteaders? Oh, Saul, has your addled brain deteriorated so
completely that reality has totally left you? I am the posse. I am the head of the
Cattlemen‟s Consortium. This is Sherona County. I keep most of this lackluster bunch
from starving.

SAUL
What do you want?

PHIL
It‟s very simple. I want you and your enterprise to be no longer part of the landscape. I
will guarantee that Tige and Harry behave themselves and resist your little prostitute‟s
importunings…

SAUL
If what, you snake?

PHIL
If you pack your trunks and burn down your ranch. When I see the smoke rise, I will let
her… I will ask her to leave.

SAUL
You can‟t be serious.

PHIL
Oh, but I‟m completely serious. I want you out of Sherona County.

SAUL
If anything happens to my girl, I will see justice done, do you hear me?

[PIERRE enters. EVERYBODY watches Saul’s face as PHIL talks.]




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 11                      Page 160 of 204
PHIL
Oh, poor, poor Saul. Your sheep people are cowards and a Wyoming court would never
support you. You forget that everybody knows you are crazy. You allowed an irritating
little cattle thief to marry your daughter. You had him rustle my herd, this boy, whose
strangely perverse behavior makes Oscar Wilde seem sedate by comparison. Then, on his
wedding night, you apparently try to hunt him down with a bow and arrow. and then a
Colt 1900. And everybody knows these things because in this modern age, people have
telephones so that nothing remains a secret. Now be a good man, do as I say, and your
little family will be on its way. You can go to Utah, where crazy families are accepted as
normal.

SAUL
I will slaughter you.

PHIL
I‟ll be watching the horizon. And I‟d better see smoke soon. [He hangs up.]

MABEL
Pa?

SAUL
He wants me to burn down the ranch or Tige and Harry will do to your sister what they
did to you.

Mabel
Oh, no!

JOHNNY
He‟s crazy!

SAUL
Your darling little partner made him crazy. You encouraged that little lunatic. And now
look at where we are.

RICARDO
What can we do?

JOHNNY
Can‟t we tell Sam? Can‟t he form a posse?

SAUL
Don‟t make me laugh. Why don‟t you just go over there with one of your rubber sling
shooters? Maybe that would free your sister.

JOHNNY
I‟ll go over there. But it won‟t be with any rubber sling shooter.



Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 11                     Page 161 of 204
SAUL
Do I hear a man talking?

JOHNNY
I‟ll get her back. Ricardo, will you come with me?

RICARDO
You and me? Against Phil and his cowboys?

SAUL
You‟ll have the element of surprise. He doesn‟t think we have it in us to confront him.

JOHNNY
We can do this.

MABEL
Oh, God!

RICARDO
I don‟t want harm to come to Michelle. I will do this with you.

PIERRE
I want to help you.

SAUL
You and I will stay with the ranch in case Phil sends his boys here.

MABEL
Can‟t we at least go into town for help?

SAUL
I‟ve suffered enough humiliation in front of the neighbors. But if my son can prove
himself to be made of something more than high fallutin‟ German psychology and fancy
pantsed Greek philosophy and show that he‟s got some good old fashioned American
cojones, it may remedy the reputation of this family. Are you capable of making me
proud of you boy?

JOHNNY
We‟ll make you proud, Daddy. Just let me have one of your Colt 1900s

[SAUL gets out his pistols and hands them to JOHNNY and RICARDO.]

SAUL/JOHNNY, RICARDO

NOW YOU/WE BOYS HAVE GROWN.
YOU/WE'LL PUT OUR GUNS IN PLAY.



Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 11                      Page 162 of 204
SLIPPIN' ON EACH BOOT
WE'LL PLAN Y/OUR SHOOT
TO MAKE IT END OUR WAY.

NO MORE TIME TO MOAN
THE COWBOYS CANNOT STAY.
AS YOU/WE PUT ON SUITS
THE HORNED OWL HOOTS
SHEEP MEN ARE HUNTING PREY.

'CAUSE JOHNNY'S GOT HIS GUN.
IT'S TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN
MAKIN' COWHANDS RUN LIKE HELL
UNTIL THEY SEE WHO'S WON.

SO THE TIME IS RIGHT
IT'S PLAIN AS OLD BIG BEN.
WATCH THE TABLES TURN.
COWBOYS WILL BURN
WHILE
YOU/WE TURN INTO MEN

[The spot turns onto PHIL and TIGE and HARRY.]

PHIL
If Saul hasn‟t burned down his ranch by sunset, then later tonight I think it would be
appropriate for him to wake up and smell the tea. That is, the TNT. Get it out of the shed,
boys. Then you can offer a little predawn housewarming surprise for our neighbors at the
Lazy S‟s.




Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 11                       Page 163 of 204
PHIL, GIL, TIGE and HARRY

THE WAKE UP CALL
THE WAKE UP CALL
WE'LL TAKE THEM BY SURPRISE
SHEEPMEN OUGHTA KNOW
THEY REALLY HAVE TO GO.
THE ONLY WAY TO SHOW
THEM IS TO BLOW THEM

INTO THE NIGHT
WITH DYNAMITE.
WE'LL MAKE THEM SCATTERED PIECES
AND THEY'LL SEE
THEIR SHEEPCARTS ALL DEBRIS
THEIR FINGERS IN A TREE
THEIR ARMS DISARMED.

WE KNOW IT'S TOUGH
BUT THEY HAD THEIR CHANCE
AND WE FIGHT REAL ROUGH
AND WE SURE LIKE TO DANCE
CEPTIN' THIS IS MORE FUN
GON NA LAUGH WHEN IT’S ALL DONE
WE KNOWED IT HAD TO COME TO BLOWS. LET'S GO.
THE WAKE UP CALL
IS LONG PAST DUE.
WE'LL TAKE THEM BY SURPRISE
AND WHEN THEY RISE
THEIR SORRY LITTLE EYES
WILL SEE A SIGHT OF WOE!

SAUL/JOHNNY, RICARDO
                                                PHIL, GIL, TIGE and HARRY
NOW YOU/WE BOYS HAVE GROWN.
YOU/WE'LL PUT OUR GUNS IN PLAY.                 THE WAKE UP CALL
SLIPPIN' ON EACH BOOT                           THE WAKE UP CALL
WE'LL PLAN Y/OUR SHOOT                          WE'LL TAKE THEM BY SURPRISE
TO MAKE IT END Y/OUR WAY.                       SHEEPMEN OUGHTA KNOW
                                                THEY REALLY HAVE TO GO.
                                                THE ONLY WAY TO SHOW
                                                THEM IS TO BLOW THEM
NO MORE TIME TO MOAN
THE COWBOYS CANNOT STAY.                        INTO THE NIGHT
AS WE PUT ON SUITS                              WITH DYNAMITE.
THE HORNED OWL HOOTS                            WE'LL MAKE THEM SCATTERED PIECES
SHEEP MEN ARE HUNTING PREY.                     AND THEY'LL SEE
                                                THEIR SHEEPCARTS ALL DEBRIS
                                                THEIR FINGERS IN A TREE
                                                THEIR ARMS DISARMED.

'CAUSE JOHNNY'S GOT HIS GUN.                    WE KNOW IT'S TOUGH
IT'S TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN                      BUT THEY HAD THEIR CHANCE
MAKIN' COWHANDS RUN LIKE HELL                   AND WE FIGHT REAL ROUGH
UNTIL THEY SEE WHO'S WON.                       AND WE SURE LIKE TO DANCE
                                                CEPTIN' THIS IS MORE FUN
                                                GON NA LAUGH WHEN IT’S ALL DONE
                                                WE KNOWED IT HAD TO COME TO BLOWS. LET'S
                                                GO.
SO THE TIME IS RIGHT                            THE WAKE UP CALL
IT'S PLAIN AS OLD BIG BEN.                      IS LONG PAST DUE.
WATCH THE TABLES TURN.                          WE'LL TAKE THEM BY SURPRISE
COWBOYS WILL BURN                               AND WHEN THEY RISE
WHILE                                           THEIR SORRY LITTLE EYES
YOU/WE TURN INTO MEN                            WILL SEE A SIGHT OF WOE!




Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 11                        Page 164 of 204
Scene 12
Wednesday afternoon. Sam’s Saloon. DAVE is at the bar with a drink. SAM is behind the
bar. There are some HOMESTEADERS at tables.

DAVE
Sam. Why do you think it is it that most people are born to behave normal, but I was
born to behave like a jackass?

SAM
You, a jackass? But people like you, Dave. I ain‟t heared nobody callin‟ you a jackass.

DAVE
If people knew me better they‟d call me worse than that.

SAM
Why, ain‟t you bein‟ a little hard on yourself? People think you got spirit, boy. Why I
heared people compare you to a young Buffalo Bill.

DAVE
But look at him now. He‟s just a big showman. He‟s all show.

SAM
But it‟s a mighty fine show.

DAVE
Why do I keep makin‟ so many diddly danged mistakes all my life?

SAM
Oh, we all make mistakes. Why even Abraham Lincoln made mistakes. He told me so
himself.

DAVE
Besides goin‟ to that play, what mistake did he make?

SAM
Oh, he told me he regretted getting‟ mixed up with that Todd woman. They never hit if
off, you know. But that gal you married seems to like you a lot. And ain‟t her brother
fond of you, too? That‟s what everybody says.

DAVE
That and a nickel will get me a ride on that underground railroad in New York City.

SAM
There ain‟t no more underground railroad. Lincoln freed the slaves.




Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 12                      Page 165 of 204
DAVE
No. It‟s a trolley train that rides under the street. They got amazin‟ technology in New
York City.

[The phone rings. SAM hears it but doesn’t quite know what it is.]

SAM
I been hittin‟ the tonic a might too much. I got this ringin‟ in my head.

DAVE
No, Sam. That‟s your telephone.

SAM
Oh, yes. The telephone. [He answers it.] Hello! Who‟s out there?

[The spot goes on MABEL on the other side of the stage.]

MABEL
Sam. This is Mabel Strongman over at the Lazy S‟s. I need you to get some men over to
Phil‟s ranch.

SAM
Why? Is there another weddin‟?

Mabel
No. Sam. There‟s trouble.

SAM
Trouble? You should call the sheriff.

MABEL
Sam, you are the sheriff.

SAM
Oh, yeah. That‟s right.

MABEL
You need to form a posse and right quick because Phil and his boys have took my sister
captive.

SAM
Captive?

DAVE
Who‟s captive?




Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 12                     Page 166 of 204
SAM
Some girl‟s sister.

DAVE
Who is that?

SAM
[into the phone] Who are you?

MABEL
Is that Dave?

SAM
No, I‟m Sam.

MABEL
Sam, is Dave with you?

SAM
Yes, how did you know that? Can you see though the telephone?

Mabel
Sam, give the telephone to Dave, please.

[SAM hands the phone to DAVE.]

SAM
Some girl wants you to have the telephone. You see? You are popular.

DAVE
Hello?

MABEL
Dave! It‟s Mabel! Phil‟s got Michelle.

DAVE
What do you mean he‟s got Michelle?

MABEL
His boys kidnapped her right off the ranch this morning. He told Pa to burn down the
Lazy S‟s if he wants to get Michelle back. Johnny and Ricardo are ridin‟ over there.
With guns.

DAVE
The whole world‟s gone completely crazy.




Dave and Johnny                     Act II/Scene 12                     Page 167 of 204
MABEL
You‟d better get over there. Pa‟s comin‟. I gotta get off the phone. [SHE hangs up.]

DAVE
Mabel? Mabel? [HE hands the phone back to SAM.]

SAM
The world hasn‟t gone crazy. It seems, as far back as I can remember, the world always
was crazy, and it just sorta‟ stays that way.

DAVE
[to the room] Phil and his cowboys have kidnapped my wife. My partner is goin‟ over
there with a gun. Will anybody come with me to try to deter a developin‟ disaster?

HOMESTEADER ONE
Why, Dave, we‟d love to help, but Phil‟s cowboys got guns that they like to use.

HOMESTEADER TWO
We‟re just farmers. All I ever shot was a coyote. And I missed.

DAVE
But if we just show ourselves as peace-loving neighbors, maybe we can prevent violence.

HOMESTEADER ONE
You can‟t just talk to cowboys.

DAVE
Well, if we don‟t try, what are we? Is Wyoming a state with a civilized society, or is it
still just a wild wilderness with a bunch of bullies knockin‟ each other senseless?

HOMESTEADER THREE
I‟ll go with you, Dave.

DAVE
Thanks.

HOMESTEADER TWO
Well, I guess I won‟t be able to live with myself if I don‟t go too.

HOMESTEADER ONE
Let‟s go then.

[The War music swells as DAVE and the HOMESTEADERS exit.]




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 12                       Page 168 of 204
Scene 13

Wednesday evening. The Triple U living room. PHIL and GIL are standing over
MICHELLE, who is seated in an armchair.

PHIL
It seems that your father isn‟t taking my threat seriously.

MICHELLE
My poppa ain‟t gonna burn down his ranch.

PHIL
Not even to save you?

MICHELLE
He loves that ranch more than me. You should know that.

PHIL
I doubt that very much. He‟s a father like I am. He doesn‟t want to see his child viciously
degraded anymore than I did.

MICHELLE
Do you really believe that your little Frankie was degraded? Are you completely stupid?
Your little boy was infatuated with my husband the minute he laid eyes on him.
Everybody is infatuated with my husband.

GIL
Gal, you‟re as loony as your father. Your dirty Dave got Frankie drunk and took
advantage of him. And he tried to make a fool of Phil.

MICHELLE
That‟s what this is really about. Phil, you and poppa have been trying to make a fool of
each other all these years over an imaginary line in a patch of grass. You two have been
making the whole county crazy. Do you even know what you‟re fighting about?

PHIL
About a way of life.

MICHELLE
A way of life. You wouldn‟t know what a way of life was if it bit your butt.

PHIL
Such talk from a lady. Of course, you‟re not really a lady, are you?




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 13                     Page 169 of 204
MICHELLE
I‟m a Wyoming woman, and you‟re an English cow.

[JOHNNY and RICARDO bust through the door.]

JOHNNY
And we‟re here for the round up. [JOHNNY draws his gun on PHIL. RICARDO draws
his gun on GIL.]

GIL
Well, look what the wind blew in. Some pansy weeds.

JOHNNY
That‟s hardly an appropriate way to speak to a man with a Colt 1900 pointed at your head.

[GIL and PHIL draw their guns. GIL aims at Johnny. PHIL aims at Michelle.]

PHIL
Well, isn‟t this an interesting situation. Young Johnny Strongman wants to be a hero. If
only his boyish stomach were up to the task.

JOHNNY
Oh, I‟m up to it all right. You‟ve got no idea how up to it I am.

GIL
What do you think you‟re gonna do? You wouldn‟t pull that trigger. If you did, Phil
would blast your sister‟s head open.

JOHNNY
Not if I pull it fast enough. This technology is amazing. You can‟t even blink after the
trigger is pulled. It all happens so fast.

GIL
But then I‟d blast your head open.

JOHNNY
And Ricardo would blast your head open.

[PHIL changes his target to RICARDO.]

PHIL
Then I‟d blast him.

JOHNNY
No, you‟d be dead.




Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 13                      Page 170 of 204
PHIL
Oh, you‟ve got this all figured out, have you, with a neat little diagram in your head?

JOHNNY
I‟m thinkin‟ faster than you are.

MICHELLE
Please. Everybody. Let‟s calm down. Let‟s pretend that we‟re people and not animals.
Let‟s pretend that this is a civilized society where not everybody‟s brains have to end up
on the floor.

RICARDO
Johnny, I think maybe we should listen to your sister. Maybe everybody should listen to
your sister.

[DAVE and the HOMESTEADERS charge in through the front door.]

MICHELLE
Dave!

[GIL, startled, shoots JOHNNY in the stomach. JOHNNY shoots PHIL in the arm. PHIL
shoots RICARDO in the leg. RICARDO shoots GIL in the head. GIL drops down dead.
RICARDO falls down grabbing his leg. PHIL falls down in a chair grabbing his arm.
JOHNNY falls into DAVE’s arms holding his stomach.]

DAVE
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

[MICHELLE runs over to DAVE and JOHNNY.]

MICHELLE
Johnny!

JOHNNY
Hello, Partner. You‟re back.

DAVE
Michelle, Phil‟s got a telephone. Call Sam. Tell him to find a doctor.

[MICHELLE runs out.]

JOHNNY
Things just got out of hand.

DAVE
Oh, I‟m so sorry.



Dave and Johnny                       Act II/Scene 13                      Page 171 of 204
JOHNNY
This isn‟t your mess. You just walked into it. I’m sorry. [HE starts to fade.]

DAVE
Let‟s not talk about bein‟ sorry. You just hold on till the doc comes. Phil‟s got a phone,
so we can send for one in a split second.

JOHNNY
Isn‟t technology wonderful?

DAVE
Yeah. We‟re all connected.

JOHNNY
If only we weren‟t all so stupid.

DAVE
[HE starts to cry.] Yeah, if only.

[SAUL, PIERRE and MABEL charge through the door.]

PHIL
Hello, Saul. If it‟s any consolation, your daughter is fine. Untouched and unsullied.

SAUL
What have you done to my son?

PHIL
As he so eloquently expressed it himself, things got out of hand.

JOHNNY
Who‟s that?

DAVE
Your family. Your whole family is with you.

JOHNNY
I‟m feelin‟ dizzy.

DAVE
It‟ll pass. Just keep talkin‟ to me. Just stay with me.

JOHNNY
Sing me a song. I like it when you sing.




Dave and Johnny                        Act II/Scene 13                      Page 172 of 204
DAVE
Yeah, let‟s sing a song. We‟ll sing a song together.

JOHNNY
I like the one you sang to Daddy when you auditioned for him.

DAVE
The lullaby?

JOHNNY
It‟s pretty. How does it go?

DAVE and JOHNNY

LOVE IS MY GUIDE
LOVE GIVES ME HOPE
AND LOVE TAKES CARE OF ME
LOVE LEADS ME TO PLAY
IN SWEET GREEN PASTURES
NEATH THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY
NEAR CLEAR COOL CREEKS.

DAVE and SAUL

LOVE SAVES ME FROM FIGHTS
SENDS FRIENDS AT NIGHT
SO I NEVER FEAR
ANYTHING
CAUSE I CAN FLY HIGH
ON LOVE'S WUH-I-INGS.

[JOHNNY dies with a smile, on love’s wings. MICHELLE enters and falls to her knees.]

DAVE
Oh, no! Oh, Johnny! Oh, Johnny! I loved you partner. I think…more than anybody on
earth. More than anybody. [HE cries in agony. MICHELLE faints.]

SAUL
Ohhh! [SAUL drops to his knees.] Ohhh! Somebody please kill me! Somebody, please!
[He gets up and goes over to RICARDO and shoves his Colt into RICARDO’s hands.]
Ricardo, shoot me with this gun. Please, pull the trigger.

RICARDO
I cannot Senor Saul.

SAUL
I‟m your boss. I‟m giving you an order.


Dave and Johnny                           Act II/Scene 13             Page 173 of 204
RICARDO
Please, Don Saul. I cannot.

SAUL
[shoving the gun into PIERRE’s hands.] Pierre, you do it. Please, Pierre. If you love me.

PIERRE
Monsieur Saul, please. Please.

SAUL
I don‟t wanna live anymore. Can‟t you do me this one little favor, Pierre.

PIERRE
Please don‟t talk like this to me.

SAUL
Are you afraid. Is that what it is? Aren‟t you man enough? Or is makin‟ fluffy things in
sauce pans all you‟re good for?

PIERRE
Monsieur Saul, please.

MABEL
[moaning] Pa! Pa!

PIERRE
You‟re not a man, you‟re just a fruity Frenchie is all you are. You‟re not man enough to
marry my Mabel. Why I know what happened to you when the cowboys broke into our
house. They broke into you, too, and made you their little filly. Their little fruity, French
filly that they rode like their little French tart. Look at you, just a sad, silly, saucy little
French tart! [PIERRE shoots SAUL in the chest.] Thank you, Pierre. You take care of
Mabel. And Mabel, take care of Michelle. [HE dies.]

DAVE
Well, Phil. Now your grass is safe from Saul‟s sheep. You must feel very proud.

[The strains of We Turn Into Men swell and we hear an explosion in the distance.]

MABEL
What was that?

PHIL
My dear, that was your ranch.




Dave and Johnny                         Act II/Scene 13                        Page 174 of 204
[The music of We Turn Into Men crescendos as the Act II curtain falls.]




ACT 3

Scene 1


Christmas Eve, 1918. The spot used to be the Lazy S’s Ranch, but now it is the home and
business of Dave and Michelle. Instead of the pen that held animals, there is a small lot
filled with piles of automobile tires and bicycle tires. There is a sign that says “Dave’s
Automobile and Bicycle Tires.” Another sign says “Christmas Special: 4 Tires for $20,
Sale ends Jan. 1, 1919!” Another one says “Beware of the Ewe.” There is a large “dog”
house with the name LOLA painted over the entrance. The house is smaller and plainer
than the grand ranch house of the Lazy S’s. It is snowing, and an eight-year-old boy,
SOLOMON, a blond boy, is making a snowman in front of the house. BETH opens the
front door and comes out in a shawl.

BETH
Solly, haven‟t you finished makin‟ your snowman? It‟s nearly bedtime, and Pierre wants
you to help decorate the cookies before you hit the hay.

SOLLY
I‟m not tired, Mama, and I still have to make the face. Look. Pierre gave me a carrot for
the nose and Mabel found me two pieces of coal for the eyes [he makes the face] and
Dave said he had something for the mouth.
[DAVE comes out the door. His hairline has receded in nine years.]

DAVE
Hey, Solly, here‟s a pipe for your snowman. It‟s something Michelle‟s dad used to smoke.

SOLLY
Oh, thanks Dave. That‟ll look swell. [He inserts the pipe. LOLA comes out of her house
and bleats her approval of the snowman. SOLLY pets her.]

DAVE
You‟re right, Lola. That is one fine looking snowman, partner. Now he can watch out for
Santa Claus.

SOLLY
Dave, I‟ve been thinking, and I don‟t believe there is any Santa Claus.


Dave and Johnny                      Act II/Scene 13                      Page 175 of 204
DAVE
What? What makes you say such a thing? I thought you did pretty well by him last
Christmas.

SOLLY
The presents I get are always similar to things I see in stores here in Sherona, and if they
were made by the elves at the North Pole, they would look different.

BETH
Well, Solly, maybe the elves get their inspiration from styles in America. Americans set
the trends for everybody. Why shouldn‟t elves copy American styles? Everybody else
does.

SOLLY
No. Last year, I got a baseball, and it actually said “Made in the USA.” If the elves had
really made it, wouldn‟t it have said “made at the North Pole”?

DAVE
Solly, sometimes I think you are too smart for my own good.

BETH
Maybe Santa Claus has expanded his operations, and some of his elves are working in the
United States.

DAVE
Yeah, maybe American elves work cheaper.

BETH
So how about you come inside now and finish the cookies with Pierre and Mabel?

SOLLY
Okay. Just in case there is a Santa Claus, we oughta‟ leave him some cookies.

DAVE
Now that is smart thinkin‟ partner.




Scene 2

The inside of the house. PIERRE and MABEL are making cookies in the kitchen area,
stage left. MICHELLE is in the living room, center stage, decorating a Christmas tree.
There is a separate bedroom, stage right. BETH, SOLLY, and DAVE enter the living
room from outside, and the wind and snow pick up as they open the door.



Dave and Johnny                       Act III/Scene 1                       Page 176 of 204
MICHELLE
Close that door before the tree blows down!

BETH
Michelle, that tree is looking gorgeous! I know Santa is gonna love it.

MICHELLE
I hope he loves it. I had one dicky of a time stringin‟ up all this popcorn.

DAVE
Well, if Santa ain‟t pleased, at least the birds will be ecstatic when we throw this thing
out.

MICHELLE
After the work I put into this tree, it‟s not getting throwed out till I‟m good and ready.

DAVE
You‟re the boss.

SOLLY
I don‟t see why you have to throw it out at all. Why not have a Christmas tree all year? It
looks so pretty.

BETH
But honey, it takes up so much room. And trees don‟t live forever.

SOLLY
Well, they‟d live a lot longer if we didn‟t cut them down. Why don‟t we just decorate
Christmas trees where they are in the forest? That way they‟d keep living.

BETH
But then we‟d have to go out in the blizzards to enjoy them.

MICHELLE
Solomon, you are the most thoughtful young man I‟ve ever knowed.

SOLLY
Known.

MICHELLE
Known. Thank you, Solly.

BETH
It‟s really not polite to be correcting people all the time, Solly.




Dave and Johnny                         Act III/Scene 2                        Page 177 of 204
SOLLY
Sorry.

[MABEL comes in from the kitchen.]

MABEL
Solly, come in and help Pierre and me decorate these cookies.

SOLLY
Okay! [HE and MABEL join PIERRE in the kitchen.]

MICHELLE
I‟m so glad you could spend Christmas with us, Beth.

BETH
Thank you so much for having us. I didn‟t think I‟d make it through this Christmas with
Ricardo…not…

MICHELLE
We know. We know. [SHE goes over to the sofa to hug BETH, who starts crying.] We‟ll
get through this. You have to be strong for your boy. We‟ll get through this together.

[DAVE joins them and hugs Beth from the other side.]

DAVE
Michelle and I have been talking. We were thinking that, for a while at least, maybe you
and Solly would like to stay here with us.

BETH
Oh, Dave, that‟s so sweet of you too, but I couldn‟t. We‟d be crowding you.

MICHELLE
We wouldn‟t feel crowded. That office can be your room, and Solly can sleep with you or
in the living room. It wouldn‟t be too much, really.

BETH
Oh, you two are so wonderful. What would I have done without you? That horrible war.
What was it for, anyway?

DAVE
It was a war to make an end to all wars. After this one, nobody‟s going to be foolish
enough to even think of starting another one.

BETH
Oh, Dave, I think you are naïve. Do you really think that this war will be the end of men‟s
foolishness? As long as the men run the world, they will strut and preen to show who‟s the
biggest cock in the barnyard. It‟s men‟s nature.


Dave and Johnny                         Act III/Scene 2                         Page 178 of 204
DAVE
I don‟t think that‟s true of all men.

BETH
Enough of them. Enough of them to call up a draft and tell my Ricardo, even with his bad
leg, that if he didn‟t fight for his country, they‟d put him in jail. I told him we should go
to Mexico, but he wouldn‟t listen. In fact, he said you convinced him that runnin‟ from
the draft was a bad idea.

DAVE
I just said that if he served, he‟d be entitled to a lot of benefits after the war. And you
know how tough it was for him finding work.

BETH
[SHE looks at Dave like they share an unpleasant secret.]
I know. What‟s done is done.

MICHELLE
Just think about our offer. It can‟t be easy for you bein‟ alone in that house with Solly.
And we think it would be nice to have a kid around the place. Especially since I haven‟t
been able to…you know

BETH
I know. I should stop feelin‟ sorry for myself. At least I have Solly. Isn‟t life a bunch of
tricks, though? Just like Wild Bill‟s rodeo show.

MICHELLE
Johnny likened life to the rolling coaster ride at the fair.

BETH
I will think about your offer. Maybe I should help Solly with the cookies. {SHE goes to
the kitchen.]

MICHELLE
Solly is growing up so fast, isn‟t he?

DAVE
He sure is. And he‟s so smart. Johnny woulda‟ loved this boy so much.

MICHELLE
Funny how Solly don‟t look a thing like Ricardo.

DAVE
No. He looks more like Beth.




Dave and Johnny                          Act III/Scene 2                      Page 179 of 204
MICHELLE
No, he doesn‟t. I think he looks like his father.

DAVE
What do you mean? Didn‟t you just say…

MICHELLE
I‟m not totally stupid, you know. I pretend to be, for your sake, but I‟m not, really.

DAVE
What are you goin‟ on about?

MICHELLE
Dave, I know that you and Beth were sweethearts even before you met me.

DAVE
But I married you.

MICHELLE
And I married you. But I always knew who I was marrying.

DAVE
Who were you marrying?

MICHELLE
A lovable guy who loved everybody and everybody loved him. I wasn‟t blind. I liked you
because you were a free spirit. We don‟t have to keep secrets from each other. After this
horrible war, I‟ve come to realize that life is too short to be playing foolish games.

DAVE
Oh, Michelle. [HE buries his face in her lap.]

MICHELLE
I still love you. And I love your son. And even his mother, poor gal.

DAVE
Oh, Michelle. I don‟t deserve you.

MICHELLE
I know. We can all be happy, can‟t we? Let‟s be whatever kind of family we need to be.

DAVE
I am so ridiculously lucky. [THEY hug.]

[SOLLY, MABEL, PIERRE, and BETH come into the living room. PIERRE is carrying a
tray of cookies.]



Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 2                      Page 180 of 204
PIERRE
Look how beautiful young Master Solly make the Christmas cookies. They have stars and
stripes like the American flag.

MICHELLE
They are gorgeous.

DAVE
Can we have one, Pierre?

MABEL
Well, that‟s why we made „em. Just leave a few for Santa and his reindeer.

BETH
Solly, it really is past your bedtime.

SOLLY
Okay, Mama. Dave, will you tuck me in?

DAVE
It would be a privilege and an honor to tuck you in, Sir.

SOLLY
And would you sing me a song?

DAVE
Hop into bed, partner, and I‟ll be right there as soon as I fetch my guitar.

SOLLY
Okay, partner! [HE goes into the office, which is serving as a bedroom, with two cots.]

MICHELLE
Mabel, Dave and I were telling Beth that maybe she and Solly could stay with us for a
while.

MABEL
Oh, what a wonderful idea. Beth, you should do that. That would make things so much
easier for Solly, don‟t you think.

BETH
I don‟t know if it would make things easier for me.

MICHELLE
Don‟t worry about it. Really.




Dave and Johnny                          Act III/Scene 2                       Page 181 of 204
BETH
Really?

MICHELLE
Really. We‟re fine. We‟re fine.

BETH
I don‟t deserve you.

MICHELLE
I hear that a lot.

PIERRE
This I think is excellent. I will pour some wine.

DAVE
I‟ve got a partner to tuck in.

[DAVE goes into the office, where SOLLY is now in bed. The focus is on stage right.]

SOLLY
I may not believe in Santa Claus, but I‟m still too excited to get to sleep. I have a feeling
there are going to be a lot of presents this Christmas.

DAVE
What makes you so sure?

SOLLY
Because everybody‟s so sad about my daddy being killed in the war. They‟re going to try
to feel better by making me extra happy. So they‟re either going to buy me a lot of
presents, or, if there is a Santa, ask him to pony up a bigger supply than usual.

DAVE
Are you sure you‟re only eight?

SOLLY
I‟m sure.

DAVE
You‟re bein‟ really brave for your mama, aren‟t you?

SOLLY
Yes. She‟s hurtin‟ real bad.




Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 2                       Page 182 of 204
DAVE
We all are. We all are. [HE hugs SOLLY.]

SOLLY
You know any Christmas songs?

DAVE
I know this one my mama sang to me on Christmas Eves when I was little. It goes…

SHEPHERD
WORK IS DONE
SLEEP TIGHT
TILL MORNING COMES.

COUNTING
ALL YOUR LITTLE SHEEP
YOU MAY
HEAR A LITTLE SLEIGH
FLYING ON ITS WAY
TO YOUR HOUSE TOP
PROBABLY
FULL OF TOYS THAT LITTLE MEN HAVE MADE.

SO DREAM
SWEET SHEPHERD
OF GIFTS BEFORE YOUR EYES
SANTA IS COMING
HE'LL LEAVE BEFORE YOU RISE
THEN YOU'LL WAKE FOR YOUR
SURPRISE.

SOLLY
I‟m still not asleep.

[BETH and MICHELLE enter. They sing with DAVE.]

DAVE, MICHELLE, BETH

SHEPHERD
WORK IS DONE
SLEEP TIGHT
TILL MORNING COMES.

COUNTING
ALL YOUR LITTLE SHEEP
YOU MAY



Dave and Johnny                    Act III/Scene 2                   Page 183 of 204
HEAR A LITTLE SLEIGH
FLYING ON ITS WAY
TO YOUR HOUSE TOP
PROBABLY
FULL OF TOYS THAT LITTLE MEN HAVE MADE.

[PIERRE and MABEL enter and join in.]

All

SO DREAM
SWEET SHEPHERD
OF GIFTS BEFORE YOUR EYES
SANTA IS COMING
HE'LL LEAVE BEFORE YOU RISE
THEN YOU'LL WAKE FOR YOUR
SURPRISE.

[SOLLY is asleep. As strains of the music continue to be heard, the five ADULTS enter
the living room, which gets the focus. They sit down for wine.]

DAVE
Here‟s to a happy 1919, and a world at peace. To peace.

All
To peace.

[The telephone rings in the kitchen.]

DAVE
Well, who could that be? Anybody who ever calls us is sitting right here.

[DAVE goes into the kitchen, which gets the focus. He answers the phone.]

Hello. Merry Christmas.

[At far stage right, there is a spot on FRANKIE, holding a telephone.]

FRANKIE
Is this Dave?

DAVE
Yeah, Who‟s calling?

FRANKIE
Don‟t you recognize my voice?



Dave and Johnny                         Act III/Scene 2                     Page 184 of 204
DAVE
I recognize the accent. [HE realizes who it is and is shocked.] Frankie??

FRANKIE
Yes, Dave. It‟s me. Frankie. Remember me?

DAVE
Frankie, I‟ve spent the past decade trying to forget you. I had almost succeeded.

FRANKIE
I‟ve never forgotten you, Dave.

DAVE
Well, frankly, Frankie, I wish you would. No offense, this bein‟ Christmas and all.

FRANKIE
Dave. I‟ve got myself into a predicament.

DAVE
Well, I‟m sorry to hear that Frankie, but I‟m not sure after what we have been through
together that I‟m the absolute bestest person to call with your personal problems.

[MICHELLE enters the kitchen.]

MICHELLE
Who are you talking to?

DAVE
It‟s Frankie.

MICHELLE
Frankie Steiner?

DAVE
Can you believe it?

MICHELLE
What could he possibly be calling us for?

DAVE
Help, I think.

Michelle
Help? From us?




Dave and Johnny                      Act III/Scene 2                        Page 185 of 204
DAVE
Frankie, what kind of predicament?

MICHELLE
Hang up the phone. You don‟t have to talk to Frankie Steiner.

DAVE
I should hear what he has to say. It is Christmas after all.

MICHELLE
Does he want to wish us glad tidings for the season? What is he, crazy?

DAVE
Frankie, what kind of predicament?

FRANKIE
I‟m not calling from father‟s ranch house. I had an argument with him so I came out to
the cabin.

DAVE
To the cabin? In this weather? Are you crazy?

FRANKIE
I was upset. I wasn‟t thinking. So I came out here to be alone.

DAVE
Didn‟t you notice a blizzard coming in? Why would you go out by yourself into the
wilderness with the biggest storm since ‟88 coming right for us?

FRANKIE
I made a mistake, Dave. So now I‟m out here all alone, and I‟m afraid of being snowed in
like Dickie Shore. Remember you told me what happened to him? Don‟t think me crazy,
but I think I feel his presence. He wants me to die here so that I can haunt the cabin
instead of him.

DAVE
Don‟t you have provisions? Do you have firewood at least?

FRANKIE
Very little. I‟m completely unprepared, Dave. There‟s barely any food here. All I have
really is a bottle of whiskey.

DAVE
Well, take care of it cause after they shut down the saloons in January, it may be hard to
get your hands on another bottle.




Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 2                     Page 186 of 204
FRANKIE
I‟ve already had a few swigs.

DAVE
Good. It‟ll make you feel better when you‟re starvin‟ and freezin‟ to death.

FRANKIE
Dave, you were the only person I could think of to call.

DAVE
Call for exactly what, Frankie? To tell you that you‟re an idiot?

FRANKIE
To come get me and help me navigate back to civilization. Your place can‟t be more than
a mile or two from the cabin.

DAVE
In this weather? Frankie, not only would a person have to be crazy to go anywhere in this
weather, but between my place and your cabin, there are narrow trails through steep hills,
and a bridge over the Dusty River gorge which ain‟t none too stable even in good weather.

FRANKIE
Dave, I‟m scared. I‟m afraid I‟ll perish out here. Can‟t you please come and bring me
back to your place. I‟ll reward you. I‟ll you pay anything. I have money. And I know
your tire business is not exactly booming.

DAVE
Frankie, all the gold in Fort Knox couldn‟t make me go out and risk my neck in this
weather. I have people who count on me, including a kid who recently became an orphan.

FRANKIE
It‟s Christmas. Dave. I‟m afraid.

DAVE
Well, you damn well should be. You really made one big mess of a mistake here old chap.

FRANKIE
Have you ever made a big mess of a mistake?

DAVE
Oh, that‟s not a fair question to ask somebody on a telephone. Hello?

FRANKIE
Hello?

DAVE
Hello? Frankie, are you there?


Dave and Johnny                       Act III/Scene 2                     Page 187 of 204
MICHELLE
What happened?

DAVE
The line‟s dead. The storm must have blowed down some wires.

FRANKIE
Dave? Dave? [crying] Dave?

[MICHELLE and DAVE go into the living room to join the others.]

BETH
Did I hear somebody say Frankie Steiner‟s name?

DAVE
You did.

MABEL
Why in the name of heaven would he suddenly be calling you?

DAVE
Cause he needs me.

MABEL
Well, that family has gotten pretty much everything out of us already. And if Phil Steiner
didn‟t own everybody in this county, he‟d be in jail instead of callin‟ us at Christmas.

DAVE
It wasn‟t Phil who called. It was Frankie.

MABEL
Well, that‟s just as bad. Frankie is the reason our family was destroyed, ain‟t he?

DAVE
Well, that‟s not quite fair. A whole lotta people were prancin‟ in that dance of doom. A
whole lotta people.

MICHELLE
You‟re not seriously considering going out in this weather for Frankie‟s sake, are you?

DAVE
If he gets snowbound out there in his cabin, he‟s a goner. He don‟t have neither food nor
firewood, and the bears‟ll have him for breakfast as soon as they find that out.




Dave and Johnny                       Act III/Scene 2                      Page 188 of 204
MABEL
Oh, God, Dave. He made his own bed to lie in.

[SOLLY enters.]

SOLLY
I can‟t sleep with everybody jammering. And it doesn‟t sound like happy jammering.

DAVE
No, it ain‟t, partner. I just got a call from Frankie Steiner.

SOLLY
The boy who drugged you and spilled your secret to his father so everybody got killed?

DAVE
That‟s our Frankie.

SOLLY
What does he want?

DAVE
He wants me to save him from a stupid mistake.

MICHELLE
Frankie went to his cabin in the wilderness completely unprepared for this snow storm.

SOLLY
I knew the English were dumb, but not that dumb!

BETH
It‟s not polite to generalize about a whole group of people.

SOLLY
Dave, are you going to save him?

DAVE
What do you think I should do?

SOLLY
Well, if there‟s really a Santa Claus, we can leave a note for him with the cookies and ask
him to pick up Frankie in his sleigh, and bring him somewhere to safety.

MICHELLE
I think Santa‟s awfully tonight busy delivering toys.

SOLLY
Well, that‟s a waste of a lot of magic. He could use it for something more important, like saving people.


Dave and Johnny                            Act III/Scene 2                            Page 189 of 204
DAVE
Savin‟ snowbound tenderfoot fools. Boy, you oughta put that in a letter.

SOLLY
If you don‟t try to save him, and he dies out there, will you hate yourself?

DAVE
You mean more than I generally do?

SOLLY
You always said that Wyomingites were the most helpful people in the world.

DAVE
Did I also tell you they were the craziest?

SOLLY
Well, they live in Wyoming.

BETH
Those trails are treacherous.

SOLLY
Remember those special boots you showed me? The ones Michelle‟s brother Johnny
made with the rubber bottoms.

MICHELLE
Do we still have those?

DAVE
Yeah. I found them in the rubble. There were a few things of Johnny‟s that weren‟t
destroyed in the explosion.

MICHELLE
You saved them all these years?

DAVE
I thought they‟d come in handy.

SOLLY
Maybe they survived the explosion for a reason.

[DAVE looks at Michelle intently.]




Dave and Johnny                       Act III/Scene 2                          Page 190 of 204
DAVE
Those are great boots. Your brother really believed in the magic of rubber. But you‟re the
boss. What should I do?

[MICHELLE looks at Dave intently. She realizes his mind is made up.]

MICHELLE
I love you. This has to be your decision. I can‟t send you out there.

DAVE
Solly?

SOLLY
I remember you told me that people on earth were put there to entertain the angels. I think
they‟d love watching you be a hero. And they might even help.

MABEL
You‟re not really going out there.

DAVE
Honey. Like Solly says, it‟s my turn to entertain the angels. Anyway. I don‟t have a
choice. It‟s Christmas. And I got a call.

BETH
[in a desultory tone] You got a call. Isn‟t technology wonderful?




Scene 3

The Dusty River gorge. There is a cliff with a narrow ledge running the length of upstage.
It is on an incline, higher stage left. There is a rickety wooden bridge center stage,
connecting the cliff to a flatter piece of terrain which is downstage. In between, there is a
gorge. Everything is snow-covered, and the snow is falling heavily, and the wind is
blowing. DAVE and FRANKIE are at the high end of the cliff upstage left, dressed in
winter coats and rubber-soled boots. DAVE has a backpack. FRANKIE is crying.

FRANKIE
Dave, I can‟t do this! I‟m afraid! I can‟t!

DAVE
Frankie, we‟ve come this far! Don‟t give up now.

FRANKIE
Oh, I‟m so sorry I made you come for me! I had no idea how impossible this would be.



Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 2                      Page 191 of 204
DAVE
It‟s not impossible, Frankie. You just have to make an educated risk assessment. Am I
more likely to die by slippin‟ and fallin‟ into the gorge or by sittin‟ here in the snow and
freezin‟ to death?

FRANKIE
I can‟t move. I can‟t move.

DAVE
Okay. Okay. We‟ll sit a spell. But we can‟t sit long because I‟m beginnin‟ to not feel my
toes.

FRANKIE
Oh, what have I done to you? I‟m such a horrible person.

DAVE
Yes, you are Frankie. But that‟s not important now.

FRANKIE
I‟m going to die here. I‟m going to die in this horrible country.

DAVE
You don‟t mean that.

FRANKIE
No, it‟s a lovely country.

DAVE
What am I going to have to do to make you trust me? These boots have gotten us this far.
Johnny made these boots. They‟re magic.

FRANKIE
I‟m not moving, Dave. I‟m too scared. You go home. Leave me here. I deserve to die.
But you don‟t.

DAVE
Frankie, I‟m not going to leave you out here to die.

FRANKIE
Why not?

DAVE
I don‟t know.

[JOHNNY enters stage right, at the bottom of the cliff.]



Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 3                      Page 192 of 204
JOHNNY
I do.

DAVE
Johnny!

Frankie
What?

DAVE
I‟m just hallucinatin‟ Frankie.

FRANKIE
You‟re delusional? Oh, we‟re going to die! We‟re going to die!

JOHNNY
You‟d better give that boy a drink.

DAVE
Frankie. Why don‟t you take a swig from that bottle in your pack.

FRANKIE
You told me it wasn‟t wise to drink now.

DAVE
I changed my mind. It‟ll warm you up. And maybe give you courage.

[FRANKIE takes out the bottle and drinks from it.]

[to Johnny] It‟s nice to see you.

FRANKIE
And it‟s nice to see you.

JOHNNY
It‟s wonderful seein‟ you.

DAVE
How are you?

FRANKIE
I‟m feeling warm just being beside you again.

JOHNNY
I‟m feeling warm just being beside you again.



Dave and Johnny                       Act III/Scene 3               Page 193 of 204
DAVE
How‟s heaven?

FRANKIE
I don‟t know if I believe in heaven.

JOHNNY
It‟s wonderful. There are so many great people here.

DAVE
No kidding. Who have you met?

FRANKIE
Practically nobody. Americans don‟t tend to like me.

JOHNNY
Well, Good old Charles Goodyear for one. And he sends you his regards. He‟s glad to see
you‟re makin‟ a living off of rubber. And just hang in there. The „20s are going to roar.

DAVE
Give me some heavenly business advice.

JOHNNY
Get into the stock market. Then sell everything at the end of the last summer of the „20s.
You‟ll be so glad you did.

FRANKIE
Dave, I‟m not really in the mood to talk about finance.

DAVE
I‟m talking to my hallucination. Thanks for the tip. So what do you do for fun?

JOHNNY
All kinds of things. Shakespeare was right. We watch the world for entertainment.

DAVE
I‟ll bet we‟re more fun than the moving pictures.

JOHNNY
As far as we’re concerned, you are the moving pictures.

DAVE
What else do you do?

JOHNNY
Well, Charles and I play tennis. His balls have a lot of bounce.



Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 3                    Page 194 of 204
DAVE
Go on! Tennis?

JOHNNY
Sometimes we play doubles. We just played Buddha and Aristotle.

DAVE
Buddha and Aristotle?

JOHNNY
They‟re tough to beat. They hit that ball right down the middle.

DAVE
Do you really know the whole future?

JOHNNY
Where I am, there isn‟t any time. Everything kind of happens all at once.

DAVE
Tell me something amazing!

JOHNNY
You‟re not gonna believe this, but both Texas and Wyoming are gonna have women
governors in a couple of years.

DAVE
Get off the donkey!

JOHNNY
No, it‟s true. And women are gonna get their vote.

DAVE
Suffrage is gonna pass?

JOHNNY
You bet.

DAVE
Finally! With women voting, we‟ll have an end to all wars, won‟t we? That‟s wonderful
news.

JOHNNY
Well, I hate to disappoint you. Not only are women not gonna stop wars, they‟re gonna
become soldiers.




Dave and Johnny                      Act III/Scene 3                        Page 195 of 204
DAVE
Now you‟re just joking. Or you‟ve been drinkin‟ Frankie‟s whiskey.

FRANKIE
Who has?

JOHNNY
No, I‟m dead serious.

DAVE
The world sure is crazy.

JOHNNY and FRANKIE
It certainly is.

JOHNNY
It‟s so crazy that our friend Frankie is gonna be able to negotiate this cliff even though
he‟s hammered. Alcohol has made him less fearful.

DAVE
Frankie, how are you feelin‟?

FRANKIE
Not bad. Not bad.

DAVE
This cliff is nothing. We‟ve got Johnny‟s boots with rubber soles on them. We can handle
this cliff. Use your imagination. Pretend you‟re a Wyomingite!

FRANKIE
I‟m a Wyomingite! I‟m fearless!

DAVE
Come on, Fearless Frankie. Hold my hand. And don‟t look down. Just look at the rocks.

FRANKIE
Okay, okay. I‟m holding your hand.

JOHNNY
Like a walk in the park.

DAVE
Look at you! You‟re a mountaineer.

FRANKIE
I‟m a mountaineer.



Dave and Johnny                       Act III/Scene 3                       Page 196 of 204
JOHNNY
My boots are terrific, aren‟t they?

DAVE
Terrific.

FRANKIE
Yes. I‟m terrific.

JOHNNY
You‟re gonna make it down that cliff.

DAVE
We‟re gonna make it down this cliff!

NEVER SAY
THERE'S NO WAY
THERE IS A WAY IF YOU JUST MAKE THE PLAN
EV’RY PROBLEM HAS ITS OWN SOLUTION
SO YOU'VE GOT TA TAKE CHARGE AND SHOUT OUT YES I CAN

DAVE and JOHNNY

YOU'VE GOT A MIND SO FIND OUT HOW TO USE IT
AND YOU'LL BE AMAZED AT HOW IT WORKS
THEY SAY THAT PEOPLE ALL HAVE BRAINS YES EVEN JERKS
SO START DIGGIN' DEEP
DON'T STAND THEIR BLEATIN' LIKE A SHEEP
TURN ON A LIGHT
DON'T GO TO SLEEP

DAVE, FRANKIE, JOHNNY

AND YOU'LL FIND THAT PATIENCE CREATIVITY
YES PATIENCE CREATIVITY AND TIME
CAN MAKE THE MOUNTAIN YOURS TO CLIMB
YOU'LL GET DOWN SAFELY FROM THE CREST
WITH SOME PATIENCE CREATIVITY IN JEST
A LITTLE TI-IME

FRANKIE
I did it, Dave! I did it!

DAVE
Yes, you did, Frankie. In less time than a mountain goat!



Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 3      Page 197 of 204
JOHNNY
Unfortunately, not in time to cross the Dusty River bridge before it collapses.

[FRANKIE and DAVE look in horror as the bridge, under the strain of snow, falls noisily
into the gorge.]

DAVE
Oh, no!

FRANKIE
The bridge broke.

DAVE
It always was a rickety bridge. I can‟t remember the number of times I said that
somebody oughta fix it.

FRANKIE
There‟s no way across the gorge.

DAVE
It appears that way.

FRANKIE
We‟re doomed.

DAVE
It appears that way.

FRANKIE
Oh, Dave. We‟re going to die out here.

DAVE
It appears that way. Got any advice?

JOHNNY
You‟re the country boy.

FRANKIE
How could I possibly advise you? You‟re the expert in the wilderness.

DAVE
I‟m just talkin‟ to my hallucination again.

FRANKIE
[frantically] What does your hallucination say?



Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 3                     Page 198 of 204
JOHNNY
It happens that I have connections where I am. I‟m in pretty good with Santa Claus.

DAVE
Santa Claus?

FRANKIE
Santa Claus? Where?

JOHNNY
Yes. He‟s a great guy. And he just gave you a snow bridge for Christmas.

DAVE
A snow bridge?

JOHNNY
Yes. Look over there. The snow is packed dense enough that you can cross the gorge on
it.

DAVE
It‟s a miracle. Frankie, Santa Claus gave us a snow bridge for Christmas!

JOHNNY
Merry Christmas.

FRANKIE
Santa Claus gave us a what?

DAVE
A snow bridge. Look Frankie, there‟s a snow bridge. The snow is caught in the crevice,
and it‟s packed densely enough that we can cross it.

FRANKIE
How do you know it‟s packed densely enough that we can cross it?

DAVE
How do I know?

JOHNNY
Cause Santa Claus doesn‟t make junk. He‟s magic.

DAVE
It‟s a gift from Santa Claus, Frankie. You believe in Santa, don‟t you?

FRANKIE
We‟re going to walk across that snow? What if it caves in?


Dave and Johnny                         Act III/Scene 3                     Page 199 of 204
DAVE
Well, it won‟t because we‟re gonna walk delicately. Like fairies.

FRANKIE
Like fairies?

DAVE
Like fairy elves.

FRANKIE
I‟m scared. I can‟t do it. I‟m sorry, Dave.

JOHNNY
Remind him of the time he did the dare-devil walk on the pasture gate.

DAVE
Frankie, remember how you tightrope-walked that pasture gate like an acrobat? You
showed real nerve because you got tired of the cowboys calling you a sissified dude!

FRANKIE
But I am a sissified dude. I‟m not an American! I‟m English!

DAVE
But that‟s okay. You‟re an acrobat. You‟ve got balance and nerves of steel like a trap.
You‟re King Richard the Second.

FRANKIE
He died of starvation in prison!

DAVE
Oh, right! You‟re the other King Richard! The one with the heart of a lion.

FRANKIE
The Crusader!

DAVE
Yes, you‟re King Richard the Crusader, and you‟re gonna walk that snow bridge like a
light little fairy on a magical crusade. Cause it‟s Christmas and we‟ve got Santa‟s magic
behind us.

FRANKIE
I always loved Santa Claus.

DAVE
We are magic, Frankie.



Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 3                    Page 200 of 204
[THEY start walking across a patch of snow stage right.]

JOHNNY
One step at a time.

DAVE
One step at a time.

FRANKIE
One step at a time.

JOHNNY
That‟s wonderful. Look at our Frankie. This is going to be a life changing experience for
him.

DAVE
We‟re walkin‟ in Johnny‟s magic boots, Frankie. We are incredible.

FRANKIE
Yes, we are.

JOHNNY
Yeah, my boots are terrific, aren‟t they? But Frankie‟s right. You‟re not kids anymore, so
you have less than twenty seconds before your snow bridge caves in.

DAVE
Frankie, if you run real, real fast to the other end, I‟ll let you kiss me like the French
people do.

FRANKIE
Oh, Dave!

[FRANKIE runs like a rabbit to the downstage side of the gorge, with DAVE after him.
The snow caves in the moment they reach the other side. FRANKIE grabs DAVE for a big
kiss. DAVE looks at JOHNNY over Frankie’s shoulder.]

DAVE
I love you.

FRANKIE
And I love you!

JOHNNY
Merry Christmas.




Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 3                        Page 201 of 204
DAVE
I missed you.

FRANKIE
And I missed you!

JOHNNY
I‟m around whenever you need me, partner. You know that.

DAVE
Thanks, partner.

FRANKIE and JOHNNY
You‟re welcome, partner.


Scene 4
The inside of the house. The living room has the focus. MABEL and PIERRE are placing
presents under the tree. BETH and MICHELLE are sitting, waiting. The Christmas Eve
song is heard beneath the dialog.

MABEL
Dave knows his way through these parts. He‟s miraculous. He‟ll make it.

MICHELLE
It‟s nearly dawn. Look at the snow, Mabel. I just know something horrible has happened.

MABEL
No, you don‟t.

PIERRE
Maybe they are taking rests along the way.

MICHELLE
They‟ve frozen to death.

BETH
Michelle, don‟t talk like that.

MICHELLE
And that trail by the gorge. There‟s no way Frankie can get down that hill even if Dave
can. I just know something horrible has happened.

BETH
You‟re not going to talk like that. I won‟t let you.




Dave and Johnny                        Act III/Scene 3                    Page 202 of 204
MICHELLE
I‟m sorry. It‟s just that after all we‟ve been through…

MABEL
Stop. Keep yourself together, girl. Have some faith.

MICHELLE
Faith. In miracles?

MABEL
This is a miraculous state. And it‟s a miraculous time. Dave‟ll come home. Just be patient.

MICHELLE
Ain‟t no problem can‟t be solved with patience, creativity and time.

[DAVE and FRANKIE come in through the door, to strains of I Will Earn Your Hand. ]

DAVE
Ain‟t that the truth.

MICHELLE
Dave!

[THEY hug. MABEL and PIERRE attend to FRANKIE, who is tottering. SOLLY runs in
from his room.]

DAVE
The bridge gave out over the gorge.

SOLLY
Dave! You‟re back! You made it back! [THEY hug.]

DAVE
Merry Christmas, Solly.

SOLLY
Look! Santa came!

DAVE
Yeah. Santa came. Our little Wyoming blizzard made Santa feel right at home.

PIERRE
The bridge give out? But how did you cross over?

FRANKIE
Didn‟t you hear? Santa Claus came.



Dave and Johnny                       Act III/Scene 4                     Page 203 of 204
SOLLY
Really? [SOLLY cranks up the victrola to play I Will Earn Your Hand.]

DAVE
Of course, Santa came, Solly. Wyoming‟s one of Santa‟s favorite places. [It is still
snowing. DAVE looks out the office window from his vantage point in the living room. He
can see JOHNNY sitting in a pile of tires, smiling in his direction. SOLLY starts to dance
with FRANKIE. PIERRE dances with MABEL. BETH dances with MICHELLE. JOHNNY,
who has been sitting on a pile of tires, gets up, and starts dancing with LOLA. DAVE sees
this and joins them, from inside the house. The Christmas star twinkles brightly over the
house as the snow and curtain begin to fall.] Santa Claus came, all right, Solly. [looking
at Michelle] With an angel. [MICHELLE smiles, and the curtain falls.]


[Curtain Call] [the colors of sunrise form over the house]

HOMESTEADERS

DAWN
COMES OUT OF SOMEWHERE BRIGHT
BREAKING THE DARKNESS WITH LIGHT
TILL A SLIGHT BIT OF BLUE
MEETS A DEEP ORANGE HUE
WHICH IS SET OFF BY BURNT SIENNA
THEN THE BRIGHT RED SUN
MAKES ALL THE COLORS RUN
THE SKY IS LOTS OF FUN
STRIPES FILL UP THE PASTEL SKY
PURPLE ISH CLOUDS FLOAT ON BY
AIRPLANES FLY [a plane floats across the sky]
THEY SWOOP WAY OVER THE WILD FLOW'RS GROWIN'
AND WE CAN HEAR WYOMING SING
TOMORROW'S SONG
IT DOESN'T TAKE US LONG
TO KNOW THAT NOTHIN'S WRONG
WITH THIS LAND
CAUSE THE STATE'S GRAND
CAUSE IT AIN'T BLAND
SO WE DON'T ROAM
BECAUSE WYOMING'S
A REAL GRAND HOME!




Dave and Johnny                      Act III/Scene 4                     Page 204 of 204

				
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