We Die So You Dont Have To

We Die So You Don't Have To by Josh Levine & Robby Kushner 6/3/07 Contact Info: Brandon Stein The Agency Group 1880 Century Park East Suite 711 Los Angeles, CA 90067 Tel -310-385-2800 BrandonStein@theagencygroup.com WGA Registered(MORE) INT. ELEVATOR -DAY MILO (30) is dressed in black. He’s not too skinny, fat, tall short, hairy or bald. There is nothing distinguishing about him at all. He’s the guy you least expect when a serial killer is terrorizing your neighborhood. Milo carries dry cleaned shirts over his shoulder and bobs his head to some cheesy elevator music. The elevator door opens. He exits. INT. RECEPTION AREA -CONTINUOUS A RECEPTIONIST with a boil on her nose and a hunchback stands as Milo enters the dark room. RECEPTIONIST Good morning, sir. MILO Gladys. Milo walks to a set of huge oak doors and enters. INT. WAREHOUSE -CONTINUOUS Inside a dark, menacing, stainless steel warehouse we see the hustle and bustle of men at work. Every kind of LACKEY, HENCHMAN, MERCENARY, SOLDIER and GUARD (lowlifes and scumsuckers every one) greets Milo as he passes. Milo speaks directly to the camera. MILO I chose to be evil for very specific reasons. Milo passes by a cubicle. Several LACKEYS fuss over a map laid out on a large table. They stand erect as he walks by. MILO (to the Lackeys) Dismissed. The Lackeys go back to their map. MILO Sure, I could have sold insurance or cut timber or worked at a bank. 2. MILO(cont'd) But I ask you, where’s the fun in that? Milo walks to another set of large doors. He opens and enters. INT. STUDY -CONTINUOUS Milo enters a study filled with maps, charts, graphs, globes, encyclopedias and books piled from floor to ceiling. Guns and knives are strewn about. In the center of the study is a huge golden throne bejeweled with brilliant diamonds, rubies and sapphires. MILO It’s not like I have a death wish or anything like that, but death does not bother me. I know my chances of dying are high in this line of work. But the rewards... sheesh, I don’t have to tell you there’s more money in crime then there is in stopping it. Milo walks to a desk and sets the dry cleaning down. MILO If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life it’s this--Milo sits on the golden throne. He breathes on a diamond and shines it with his shirt. We hear the door open. Someone with very heavy limp has entered the room. Milo QUICKLY gets up from the throne. He runs to a cabinet and grabs a PROSTHETIC LEFT FOOT. He runs back to the throne and stands behind it. The man sits in the golden throne. We don’t see his face, but he sticks out his hand in front of Milo. Milo places the foot in the man’s hand. MILO (V.O.) ...it's safer to be the guy behind the guy, than the guy out front leading the charge. All I’ve ever wanted to be was number two. 3. Milo gives a secret smile to the camera. FADE TO BLACK: EXT. MR. SLAUGHTER'S EVIL COMPOUND -NIGHT ARMED TROOPERS patrol a heavily fortified military compound somewhere in the mountains. A CAMOUFLAGED MAN approaches a huge wall on the outside of the compound. He moves through the moonlight and sneaks up on an ARMED HENCHMAN. He puts in almost no effort as he grabs the henchman and snaps his neck. The Camouflaged Man speaks into his WATCH. CAMOUFLAGED MAN (whispering) Jungle bird is go. Call in blue squad. Out. INT. LARGE DORMITORY -THAT MOMENT Rows and rows of bunk beds fill a large dormitory. It's midnight and most of the LACKEYS are asleep. Milo, on a top bunk, wears a perfectly ironed white t-shirt, green parachute pants and sleeps over the covers. He opens his eyes and turns to the bunk next to him. Z (unknown age) looks like Animal from The Muppets. He's wide awake and staring at Milo. He removes his long scraggy hair from his face. Milo opens his eyes. Z Hello Milo. MILO (startled) Z. What time is it? Z Haywood time. MILO Come on, Z, I don't want to get in trouble.4. Z peers over his head over to the bunk below Milo. HAYWOOD (30) unfortunately has the soft body of a 60-year-old woman and wheezes while he sleeps. Z He's out, he is. Z slips out of his bunk. He kneels next to Haywood’s cot. Z Look at little Haywood. The little baby all tucked in a rug with a bug. He looks like a little lamb doesn't he? Z pats Haywood's head. Haywood wheezes. CUT TO: EXT. WAREHOUSE -NIGHT The Camouflaged Man takes out a BLOW DART and shoots an arrow into the night. Twenty paces away a GUARD grabs his neck. He falls to the ground, dead. CUT BACK TO: INT. LARGE DORMITORY -MOMENTS LATER On Haywood's forehead, the word "EXPENDABLE" is written in red lipstick. He’s still sleeping and he has MAKEUP painted thick like a whore on his face. Milo and Z stand over Haywood's bed laughing. Suddenly, ear splitting ALARMS go off. Lights pop on and within seconds the whole dorm moves to action. All of the lackeys jump out of bed. A DRILL SERGEANT bursts into their dorm barking orders. SERGEANT The facility has been breached. Get out there and sacrifice yourselves for Mr. Slaughter. Milo, Haywood and Z quickly get their UNIFORMS and HELMETS on and grab their GUNS. 5. The Drill Sergeant stops Haywood. DRILL SERGEANT Expendable!? That's the spirit, son. HAYWOOD Huh? The Drill Sergeant pushes Haywood out of the dorm and into the hallway followed by Milo and Z. INT. HALLWAY -THAT MOMENT Z starts firing his weapon at nothing in particular. Z I love this gun! Haywood becomes panicky. Milo Takes control. MILO Z, stop firing until you know what you're firing at. Come on! Milo leads Haywood and Z down a corridor. He flattens himself against a wall. They turn down another corridor and freeze. In front of them are several POLICE OFFICERS. Milo is scared shitless. MILO Run Away! Milo, Haywood and Z charge down a metallic hallway for dear life. An EXPLOSION blasts behind them. Milo hurts his shoulder trying to open a locked door. Z lowers his head and rams his helmet into the door which bursts open. They slam the door shut behind them. INT. LARGE STORAGE ROOM -THAT MOMENT In a large storage room they find safety behind a JEEP. They slump to the floor, breathing heavily. They flip open the visors on their helmets. 6. The dust in the air affects Haywood's allergies. He sneezes. His visor slams shut. Snot rolls down the inside of his helmet. He removes it. Z You're disgusting. HAYWOOD I have allergies. Haywood's makeup has smeared, he looks like a cheap French whore. MILO You guys okay? Haywood smears make-up off his face, he looks ridiculous. HAYWOOD What is this, make-up?! CUT TO: MR. SLAUGHTER, the epitome of an evil villain, BURSTS through the door firing his gun behind him. He takes cover behind a large barrel and continues to fire at the door. Milo, Haywood and Z freeze. MILO (whispering) That's Mr. Slaughter. The Camouflaged Man appears at the door. CAMOUFLAGED MAN Drop it, Slaughter. The gig is up. Mr. Slaughter fires his weapon. The Camouflaged Man dodges bullets with ease. He goes right into a summersault and jumps through the air on the other side of the barrel. Mr. Slaughter has to reload. The Camouflaged Man knocks the barrel out of the way and stands over the cowering Mr. Slaughter.7. CAMOUFLAGED MAN I've been after you now for weeks. I foiled your plan to blow up the White House, I seduced one of your female spies, and I killed hundreds of your pathetic lackeys. Party's over. Mr. Slaughter reloads his weapon. MR. SLAUGHTER Eat lead, Steele. In one motion The Camouflaged Man kicks the gun out of Mr. Slaughter's hand, pulls out a stunningly beautiful PEARLHANNDLE REVOLVER from a harness underneath his vest and unloads forty-fives into the chest of Mr. Slaughter. CUT TO: Z is pumped. He's ready to charge but Haywood holds him back. HAYWOOD Wait a minute. That's a Peacemaker single action revolver. I know that gun. CUT BACK TO: The Camouflaged Man stands over his enemy. He removes his hood to reveal perfectly smooth blond hair, an amazing tan and the whitest teeth behind the biggest smile you've ever seen. HAYWOOD That's Steve Steele. Z's eyes widen. Milo stares in disbelief. Milo, Haywood and Z stand up and fire their weapons. Steve Steele is finally caught off guard. Hundreds of empty cartridges spray onto the floor. Of course they miss every shot. Steele looks down at himself, he's not hit. He smiles at the lackeys and easily escapes as Z continues to fire. MILO You can stop now Wild Bill, he's gone. 8. Haywood runs over to check on Mr. Slaughter. HAYWOOD He's dead. MILO Damn it! We missed every shot. How is that possible? HAYWOOD And Steve Steele always wins. Z I hate that guy. This is the fourth job he's cost me this year. HAYWOOD Shit! I just got out of credit card debt. MILO We let him come right in here and kill our boss. We broke lackey rule number one. HAYWOOD "A lackey may not injure his Villain, or, through inaction, allow his villain to come to harm." MILO Inaction. It's written very clearly. I inacted. HAYWOOD You're not using that word correctly. MILO Yes I am. HAYWOOD No you're not. Z, back me up. Z belches, shrugs his shoulders. 9. HAYWOOD Let's just say you were quiescent, you paused, or could it be said that you simply lay dormant while your sole source of income, your paycheck as it were, was shot six times in the chest by the same man who a year ago sliced off Colonel Montecito's head--Z And electrocuted Diamondo last spring. HAYWOOD And if I recall there was no physical evidence whatsoever found after Steve Steele blew up the entire Billy Bulldozer Clan. MILO Damn that Steve Steele! FADE TO BLACK: EXT. MR. SLAUGHTER'S EVIL COMPOUND -MORNING At the main gate of the compound a HUMAN RESOURCES REPRESENTATIVE hands out SEVERANCE PACKAGES. HENCHMEN hand her their ID cards as they leave the facility. HR REP Be sure to sign your exit papers. We owe you a debt of gratitude. Please contact your union at your earliest convenience for instructions. Milo, Haywood and Z look depressed. They take the envelopes and walk over to a SCHOOL BUS packed with other lackeys. A group of POLICE OFFICERS stand by the bus. One of them sneers at Milo. He steps forward as if to start some trouble. A second OFFICER holds him back. OFFICER #1 Man, we can't do anything to these guys. They're untouchable, remember? 10. OFFICER #2 Stupid legislature! What kind of world do we live in where we can't arrest these lowlifes? OFFICER #1 Damn unions. Z sticks out his tongue and taunts them. Haywood holds him back. HAYWOOD Come on, it's not worth it. They can't do anything to us. Milo opens his envelope and takes out a PAMPHLET entitled: THE LACKEY PLACEMENT AGENCY -WE DIE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO! MILO I feel like an idiot. HAYWOOD What are we gonna do, Milo? MILO (unconvincing) Don't worry, Hay. We always land on our feet. HAYWOOD Sure, when the economy didn't suck. Back in the day villain's had something to work towards. These days it's all about “take over the world,” “hold a president hostage,” “threaten the future of humanity.” Where's the originality? MILO It used to be exciting to be a lackey. We thought we were going to change the world... or at least be there when someone smarter and more evil did. Z pulls out his final paycheck. Z Eighty four dollars! 11. HAYWOOD That's it? Z What do you mean that's it? This is amazing. Let’s go to the city and blow it. EXT. THE CITY -DAY Milo, Haywood and Z exit the school bus. They stand on the corner of a busy intersection in the city. They look around and see a STRIP CLUB.Z Fellas, it's fate. The three cross the street and enter the strip club. INT. STRIP CLUB -LATER Milo, Haywood and Z are drunk at a table, empty bottles and cans are all over. A STRIPPER gives Z a lap dance. The Bartender comes over with the bill and hands it to Milo. MILO Two hundred and fifty bucks? Wait a second. This can't be right! BARTENDER Three drinks, entertainment, entry fee, yeah, that's right. Are we gonna have a problem? HAYWOOD What's the problem, Milo? MILO This guy's trying to hustle us. Z throws the stripper off of him, she lands on the floor. Z walks up to the Bartender who wastes no time and SLAMS his fist straight into Z's face. Haywood and Milo jump up but before they can do anything four SECURITY GUARDS are on top of them. We see a good old fashioned bar room brawl, but very one-sided. In the middle of the punching and kicking, Milo, bloody, says to one of the security guards:12. MILO Hurley, is that you? HURLEY Milo? Milo that is you. I wasn't gonna say anything cause I was really enjoying kicking your ass. How are you, good buddy? Hurley, a muscular man with a bowl haircut, lifts Milo up off the floor and bear hugs him. Two security guards stop slamming Z's head into the bar. The third has Haywood in a headlock. HURLEY Tom. Ace. Jake. This is Milo. The men in the bar stop fighting. HURLEY Man, it's good to see you. MILO Yeah, it's been what, five or six years. Hey, these are my buddies Haywood and Z. Haywood and Z, bruised and bloody, shake hands with the security guards. ACE (to Z) Sorry about kicking your ass, man. Any friend of Hurley's... HURLEY Come on, let's grab a table in the back. INT. STRIP CLUB -BACK ROOM -LATER Milo, Haywood and Z sit with Hurley and the other security guards at a table in the back room. Several empty bottles of liquor and shot glasses are on the table. Milo stands up and impersonates Hurley.13. MILO (drunk off his ass) ...and so Hurley's like 'Not if I have something to say about it' and charges Steve Steele. But what he didn't realize was Steele already poured the glue on the floor of the warehouse so Hurley here falls forward and gets stuck. (to Hurley) How long did it take them to unstick you? HURLEY (pissed off) A day and a half. MILO So Steele is long gone and we all take turns throwing shit at Hurley. By the time the medic arrives he's covered in everything, I mean feathers and dirt and these guys were mean, I think someone even threw a scorpion on him. The others, all drunk, laugh uproariously at Hurley. HURLEY Yeah well at least I stood face to face with that puss bucket, Steve Steele. At least I had the balls! Z Too bad they were glued to the floor. More laughter. HAYWOOD Look, we can all agree on one thing. Fuck Steve Steele! ALL THE MEN IN UNISON Fuck Steve Steele! The whole group spits on the bar room floor. EXT. STRIP CLUB -EARLY MORNING Milo, Haywood and Z exit the strip club. The sun is just rising.14. Z I’m hungry. MILO Let's go over to the placement agency. Z Perfect. EXT. 7-ELEVEN -MORNING Milo, Haywood and Z enter a 7-Eleven. A 7-ELEVEN EMPLOYEE stands behind a counter. Next to him is a ROTISSERIE cooking a gaggle of burger-hot-dog-meat stick things. EMPLOYEE How may I help you today? MILO (winking) We’ll have three bacon-wrapped burger dogs. EMPLOYEE But nobody ever orders the baconwraappe burger dogs. MILO Yes, we know. We’ll have them with JALAPENOS and PUMP CHEESE. EMPLOYEE (nodding) Ahh, very good. The Employee presses a BUTTON underneath the counter. Milo opens the door to a FREEZER and walks in. Haywood and Z walk in after Milo. INT. THE LACKEY PLACEMENT AGENCY -CONTINUOUS Milo, Haywood and Z enter into a reception area. A sign on a wall reads: THE LACKEY PLACEMENT AGENCY -WE DIE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!15. (MORE) They stare at a row of framed photos on the wall of FAMOUS LACKEYS. We see JAWS from “James Bond,” DESTRO from “G.I. Joe,” and PAULIE WALNUTS from “Sopranos.” A LACKEY PLACEMENT AGENT enters the room. PLACEMENT AGENT Sorry to see you three back here so soon. May Mr. Slaughter rest in peace. Please recite the three lackey laws. MILO, HAYWOOD AND Z (in unison) A lackey may not injure his Villain, or, through inaction, allow his Villain to come to harm. A lackey must obey orders given to him by his Villain except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. A lackey must protect his own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. PLACEMENT AGENT Damn Steve Steele! I spit on his grave. The placement agent hocks up a phlegmy one and spits it on the ground. Milo, Haywood and Z do the same. PLACEMENT AGENT Follow me. INT. OFFICE -LATER Milo, Haywood and Z sit in front of a VIDEO SCREEN opposite the placement agent. PLACEMENT AGENT The following are our best clients, some real evil guys looking to do some real heinous damage on the world. You'll have to fill out another W-2, I believe. 16. PLACEMENT AGENT(cont'd) Mr. Slaughter did hire you out as independent contractors for tax purposes, and I've taken the liberty of negating those contracts. Don't tell the IRS. Now let's get down to it. Milo, Haywood and Z stare at the video screen. PLACEMENT AGENT Our first villain is The Incinerator. Flame is his forte. He's based out of Chicago and I believe he plans on burning down the city, but to what end... The agent shuffles through papers. PLACEMENT AGENT ...I am not sure. HAYWOOD I burn easily. MILO We're not really into the killing and torture stuff. Z We're lackeys, not monsters. PLACEMENT AGENT Okay. Let's move on. Here is The Puzzler. I'm not sure what he does but it has something to do with puzzles. He's European, based out of France. Z I don't do puzzles so good. MILO Fuck the French. The placement agent nods his head. PLACEMENT AGENT Okay, next... A picture of BILL GATES pops up. PLACEMENT AGENT Microsoft is looking for security guards. Interested? 17. MILO, HAYWOOD AND Z (in unison) No! To evil. MILO (changing the subject) I think we're looking for someone like Diamondo. Or The Bulldozer Gang. You know, someone with some old school flair. With a real plan, not any of these fly-by-night villains. You got anyone like that? PLACEMENT AGENT Okay... here we go. A SCENIC ISLAND pops up on screen. In the foreground is a strange and maniacal looking man. PLACEMENT AGENT This is Professor Cesar Leftfoot. He's a classic evil scientist and his compound is located on a beautiful island off the Ivory Coast. (not sure if they're going to like it) Says here he's interested in... destroying the world's art? Milo, Haywood and Z exchange intrigued glances. HAYWOOD (pondering) Destroying art? MILO (excited) Killing culture? Z (determined) Let's play his video. BEGIN VIDEO: (The following video looks like a propaganda film shot on scratchy 16mm.) EXT. ARGENTINA COASTAL VILLAGE -DAY Establishing shots of a beautiful fishing village in Argentina. 18. NARRATOR (V.O.) Julio Cesar Chavez y Chavez Carlos Huerta Domingo was born in a little village in Argentina from peasants who could not afford him so they left him at the doorsteps of the local church. FATHER DOMINGO opens the church doors to find a basket containing a BABY BOY. NARRATOR (V.O.) During one particular sermon, Cesar finally learned of what would soon become the bane of his existence; for you see young Cesar was a sickly child and in church that Sunday he discovered that he was a leper and his left foot fell off. Young Cesar hops around the church holding his left foot. Like the bone in the film 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY a left foot flies through the air in slow motion. NARRATOR (V.O.) This marked the end of Cesar, and the beginning of the ambitious, philanthropic and entrepreneurial Professor Leftfoot. Happy WORKERS slave away in a factory making all types of prosthetic limbs. NARRATOR (V.O.) He moved to America and made a fortune creating, patenting, licensing and distributing prosthetics for unfortunate people in need of limbs. Generitech Prosthesis Corporation is bigger than Nike, Addidas, Reebok and Champion combined. Professor Leftfoot made hundreds of millions of dollars in licensing and marketing with the NBA, Nike, the Olympics and Wheaties. END VIDEO: Milo, Haywood and Z look excited. 19. Z I love Wheaties! MILO AND HAYWOOD (in unison) We'll take it! INT. MILO'S APARTMENT -DAY Milo's apartment is a dump. He and Z are on the couch watching TV. An episode of the reality show “Steve Steele: World Saver” is on. (Picture a James Bond version of Cops, but super cheesy.) Haywood enters eating a bowl of cereal. HAYWOOD I can't believe you guys are watching this douchebag. Z What can I say, it's addictive? MILO I want to know our enemy. If we can understand Steve Steele's methods maybe we can bring him down. Haywood and Z laugh at Milo. ON TV: the show opens with a quick montage of events that are baffling police and investigators: Insert: Florence, Italy -Three Months Ago. Yellow police tape surrounds the spot where the STATUE OF DAVID used to be. The local POLICE ponder graffiti on the wall of what looks like a LEFT FOOT. POLICE CHIEF (thick Italian accent) The Statue of David! She is gone. CUT TO: Insert: Paris, France -Two Months Ago. The CURATOR of the Louvre Museum screams at the top of his lungs at a POLICE CHIEF. 20. (MORE) STEVE STEELE (V.O.) The Mona Lisa is missing. In its place is the LEFT FOOT of a mannequin nailed to the wall. We see the mannequin foot. CUT TO: Insert: Madrid, Spain -One Month Ago. STEVE STEELE (V.O.) A 33-piece Dali collection has been ripped off and all that remains in the museum room is a six foot tall left foot made of clay. We see the giant left foot. CUT TO: Insert: New York City -Present Day The handsome, well-groomed hero, Steve Steele, stands erect in front of a camera in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York. He wears his pearl-handled revolver strapped to a holster around his chest. STEVE STEELE An entire collection of original paintings, from Cezanne to Picasso, is missing. Steve paces the museum room navigating his way through hundreds of miniature dangling feet. STEVE STEELE As you can see our villain has left a clue. Tiny left feet dangle from fishing line all over the museum. There must be hundreds of feetless... footless dolls somewhere, poor little guys. Steve flashes his patented smile to the camera. STEVE STEELE Until now the authorities have not communicated with each other on these crimes. Calls have started to come in from Florence, Paris, Moscow, London, all over the world. 21. STEVE STEELE(cont'd) It looks like a mastermind criminal is stealing the world's art and culture, and yours truly knows who our culprit is. Until next time, America. Steve signs off with a smile and leaves his audience wondering. We see the super cheesy “Steve Steele: World Saver” end credits. Haywood turns off the TV. HAYWOOD Douchebag. MILO (excited) Guys. Do you know what this means? Z shakes his head. HAYWOOD It means Professor Leftfoot is for real. MILO It also means the three of us are on a crash course headed straight for Steve Steele. And this time, we're going to kick some hero ass. Milo goes to give Z a high five, but his gesture is not met. Z So, Milo, um, I was thinking. What if I didn't go with you guys on this one? MILO (surprised) You're kidding. Z Well, I mean, I don't know how much I like the idea of working for the man. I thought maybe, I'd, dunno, open up a hot dog stand or something. Z looks at Haywood. Milo looks at Haywood too.22. HAYWOOD Hey, I'm just eating cereal. MILO Et tu, Haywood? Haywood finally breaks down. HAYWOOD It's not a financially beneficial gig working for these villains. They always lose to the good guys. We've got this apartment, we've got a beat up jalopy outside, but what do we have to show for anything since high school? Z I don't know how much I like the thought of hurting people. Milo gets emotional. He stands. MILO (to Haywood) Have you ever shot anyone? HAYWOOD No. MILO (to Z) You? Z No, you know we always miss. MILO Right. You guys know me, I'd never hurt a fly, except maybe that douchebag Steve Steele, but that's besides the point. Ever since high school we stuck together against the popular kids, the football players, those fuckheads with their nice cars whose parents lived on the north side of Ventura Blvd. We're from Van Nuys, fellas, we root for the underdog. Don't you remember that first time we signed up to be lackeys...? FLASHBACK: 23. INT. GYMNASIUM -DAY INSERT: Spring, 1995 A BANNER on the wall reads: MARSHAL HIGH SCHOOL JOB FAIR. A huge gymnasium is filled with different booths where EMPLOYERS talk to high school SENIORS. A young Milo, Haywood and Z stand at a MICROSOFT BOOTH. A nerdy MICROSOFT RECRUITER hands them a brochure. MICROSOFT RECRUITER (magical-like) It's called the World Wide Web. Z looks thoroughly confused. Milo and Haywood look interested. CUT TO: TED LAVENDER (18) is Mr. Cool. He’s also the biggest bully in school. He wears a leather jacket, has slicked back hair and a cigarette in his mouth. He approaches with two HOT CHEERLEADERS. He makes out with both of them, then dismisses them. He grabs Milo, Haywood and Z by the shirt collars. TED LAVENDER I need you. The three are dragged away from the Microsoft booth. MICROSOFT RECRUITER (calling after them) Did I mention the stock options and benefits packages? INT. UNDERNEATH THE BLEACHERS -MOMENTS LATER Milo, Haywood and Z have THREE NERDS in headlocks. NERD #1 Hey, what do you think you’re doing? TED LAVENDER Shut up.24. Ted Lavender grabs the nerd’s wallets. He takes their cash. The nerds run away. TED LAVENDER Jackpot! I’m gonna go feed my python some mice. Ted Lavender exits the bleachers. Milo, Haywood and Z follow like puppies. MILO Hey, what about our cut, Ted? TED LAVENDER That's Mr. Lavender to you. MILO Sorry, Mr. Lavender. He looks the three of them over, he’s not impressed. He walks away. Milo, Haywood and Z watch him go. MILO That guy is so fucking cool. Z sees a HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL on the ground. He bends down to pick it up. It moves. It’s attached to a FISHING LINE. Frustrated, Z grabs at it again, but again it moves. MILO What are you doing? Z I’m trying to pick up this hundred dollar bill but I think it’s possessed. Curious, Haywood and Milo join Z. HAYWOOD It’s attached to a fishing line, you idiot. The hundred dollar bill is reeled out of the gym and into the parking lot.25. EXT. PARKING LOT -CONTINUOUS Z continues to grab for the money. Milo and Haywood see a beige-colored rather old looking MOBILE BOOK DONATION VEHICLE parked in a vast empty parking lot. A very tall, skinny white-haired MAN stands in the lot holding a fishing rod. Standing next to him is a gorgeous MODEL in a bikini. The tall Man reels in the hundred and picks it up off the ground. TALL MAN (yelling) Hey fellas. This hundred dollars is yours if you give me just five minutes of your time. Come on over. Milo, Haywood and Z stare at the model. They walk towards the odd couple. TALL MAN Kelly, why don’t you show these young men a seat inside our mobile book center. KELLY Hi boys. Why don’t you come in? MILO, HAYWOOD AND Z (enamored) Okay. Yeah sure. Totally. INT. MOBILE BOOK DONATION VEHICLE -LATER The boys enter to find that the inside of this vehicle is completely decked out in all sorts of cool technological gear: plasma TVs, radar screens, maps, a futuristic mobile kitchen. MILO Wow. This is unbelievable. A sign on the wall of the bus reads: THE LACKEY PLACEMENT AGENCY -WE DIE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO! 26. The tall Man walks over to a flat panel PLASMA TV built into the wall of the vehicle. TALL MAN Please, have a seat Milo, Haywood and Z sit down next to Kelly on a leather couch. TALL MAN Boys, I want you watch this video--They’re not paying attention. All eyes are on Kelly. The tall Man snaps his fingers. TALL MAN Boys, over here. Milo and Haywood stare at the man. Z salivates over Kelly. TALL MAN Two out of three ain’t bad. Okay. So if the message I’m about to play for you on this video doesn’t grab you out of your boxers and shake you up, I’ll give you this money like I promised and we’ll call it a day. But, on the other hand, if this video speaks to you, there’s literally no limit to the amount of money you could make. The tall Man has their attention now. TALL MAN You want me to play this video? The boys are excited.MILO Yeah. Let’s play it. The tall Man hits play on the DVD player. He backs away from the screen and sits next to Kelly. A PROMOTIONAL VIDEO plays on the television. It’s loud and awesome. ON SCREEN: 27. EXT. GRASS FIELD -DAY The tall Man stands in the center of a huge grass field. STUDENTS surround him. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) Do you like women? Milo, Haywood and Z nod their heads. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) Do you like adventure? Z nudges Haywood. Z I do. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) Do you like money? MILO I love it. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) I thought you’d say that. Have we got an opportunity for you! Come on. CUT TO: INT. THE FIRE ROOM -CONTINUOUS The tall Man walks down a hallway. He stops in front of a window looking into a padded room. A “VOLUNTEER” stands in the center of the room wearing a fire retardant suit. MEN with FLAME THROWERS enter and try to light him on fire as he runs from them. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) You’ll learn how to outmaneuver the toughest of obstacles and be the master of your domain! CUT TO: 28. INT. THE PIT BULL ROOM -CONTINUOUS The tall Man passes by another window looking into a room filled with a gang of angry PIT BULLS. A LACKEY clings for dear life to a ceiling fan as the pack of rabid PIT BULLS try to latch on to his legs. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) While we put you to the test, you’ll learn to test yourself in compromising situations. Tame that beast! CUT TO: INT. BASKETBALL COURT -CONTINUOUS The tall Man passes a BASKETBALL COURT. A group of LACKEYS play in a basketball game. They all wear ELECTRONIC COLLARS around their necks. One team scores, the other team is shocked and falls to the floor. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) Discipline wins the game! Along with a strong defense you can achieve the highest of scores and rise through the ranks on your way to ultimate success beyond your wildest dreams. CUT BACK TO: EXT. GRASS FIELD -DAY The tall Man has a STUDENT in a headlock. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) (screaming) Are you prepared for a life of luxury, son? STUDENT (ON SCREEN) Yes, but your hurting my neck. The tall Man swings the student over his shoulders and throws him on the ground. TALL MAN (ON SCREEN) Come join the Lackey Union today!!! 29. LACKEY ANNOUNCER (ON SCREEN) (said quickly, you almost miss it) Paid for by the lackey union. Joining the lackey union may cause serious injury, death or terminal paralysis. INT. SUPER BUS -CONTINUOUS The tall Man and Kelly stand up in front of the screen. Again, their attention goes to the hot model. TALL MAN Boys, what do you say? You want to come be a part of history? Milo, Haywood and Z smile and stare at each other. End Flashback. INT. MILO'S APARTMENT -DAY Milo walks over to Haywood, he grabs his shoulders and rubs. MILO Buddy, you're telling me you're not going to help balance the scales of good and evil? Haywood's not quite ready to commit an answer. Milo goes over to Z and touches his head, but wipes his hand on his shirt because Z's got some insanely dirty hair. MILO You're Storm Shadow to my Destro. (to Haywood) And you're the Baroness to my Major Blood. HAYWOOD Why can't I be Storm Shadow? Z Hey, he called me Storm Shadow. HAYWOOD You better watch out or I'll Snake Eyes your ass in the face.30. MILO We're a team, damn it! And we hate the good guys, right? It's just easier to be bad. Z You're right, Milo. What the fuck? I really do hate Steve Steele. MILO (to Haywood) Hay? HAYWOOD (beat) It's not like you've ever steered us wrong before. Milo, Haywood and Z group hug, then realize how gay they're being and back off. FADE TO BLACK: EXT. IVORY COAST -DAY Insert: The coast of the Ivory Coast, Africa Milo, Haywood and Z ride on a boat through choppy ocean waves to an island off the Ivory Coast. Men with GUNS and Left Foot symbols on their uniforms are also on the boat. Milo reads through the "Professor Leftfoot's New Recruit Manual," trying to absorb as much as possible. EXT. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT'S ISLAND -DAY The island is a strange and wonderful place. From the dock to the compound the new lackeys are brought along a PEOPLE MOVER. Suddenly there is an EARTHQUAKE. They look up to see a giant VOLCANO spewing ash and fire into the sky, very menacing. Z thinks he sees a NATIVE ISLANDER, but dismisses it. INT. WAREHOUSE -DAY A rag tag group of MORONS and DOLTS stand before a mean DRILL SERGEANT inside a large warehouse. Milo, Haywood and Z are at the center of the line.31. The Drill Sergeant looks them over, not impressed. DRILL SERGEANT If you work with me over the next few months I will mold you into a cohesive and efficient security machine for the Leftfoot organization. The Drill Sergeant looks at Z. DRILL SERGEANT Suck in that gut. Z sucks it in. DRILL SERGEANT You may not taste the fruit of Professor Leftfoot's conquests. You may never reap the benefits from the wealth acquired through his evil acts. But I can assure you one thing: the pay is okay, the hours are even better and if the shit ever hits the fan, it won't be your asses spending 25-to-life in Sing Sing next to some blubber butt named Earl. The recruits laugh. DRILL SERGEANT I remind you that we are in a heavily fortified cage. Steve Steele himself could not penetrate these walls. The recruits hiss and boo at the mention of Steve Steele's name. DRILL SERGEANT I challenge you to be the guy behind the guy. The guy in the uniform firing wildly into the night hoping your magic bullet somehow pierces the skin of some pansy do-gooder hero. You will fall, you will be forgotten, but you will be there every step of the way! The new lackeys erupt with cheer. 32. DRILL SERGEANT Dismissed! Milo puts his arms around Haywood and Z. MILO I’m going to love this job. I can feel it. I gotta find a way to meet Professor Leftfoot. INT. HUMAN RESOURCES BOARD ROOM -MORNING At the "New Lackey Orientation" there are other NONDESCRIPT MORONS around. We meet the HUMAN RESOURCES WOMAN. HR WOMAN You are here to get indoctrinated into the island and to receive your new posts. But first we must bow to the bureaucratic gods and fill out some paper work. You must report all income, regardless of whether you've filled out a 1099 or W-2. Get in touch with an accountant if... I mean when you return to the mainland, and I always recommend keeping a running tab of your expenses. Z looks confused. HR WOMAN If you have lived at the same address then you can feel confident that you will receive everything that is reported to the government no matter how many times you've switched allegiances. If something additional comes up, the government will let you know. The new lackeys stare at each. They look confused. HR WOMAN (CONT'D) Alternatively, much later in the year you can contact the IRS and get a transcript which notes all income that was reported to them. Please fill everything out and pass it forward along with the confidentiality agreement in your welcome packets.33. Z (to Milo) I never know how to fill these things out. How many dependants do I have? Milo grabs the form and fills it out for Z. Haywood reads over the confidentiality agreement carefully. He raises his hand. HR WOMAN (annoyed) Yes? HAYWOOD Typo. It says here that we will be killed then tortured if we commit treason. Isn't it the other way around? HR WOMAN (matter-of-factly) No. Haywood shrugs his shoulders and signs the document. HR WOMAN Now pass those forward. The men pass the forms forward. The HR woman passes out another packet which looks like a SCANTRON. HR WOMAN You should all now be receiving your basic reasoning skills test. Take these carefully, mind you, it will help to determine whether you are qualified for the 403B and the other benefits packages we offer on the island. LACKEY #4 What's a 403B? LACKEY #5 (yelling, from the back) I think it’s a droid!34. HR WOMAN It's like a 401K but for nonprofit organizations. Just fill it out. Z What's a 401K? Every cadet scrambles to fill it out correctly. Milo fills out his scantron. Haywood tries to look at Milo's answers but is unable to. He shrugs his shoulders and fills out "A-B-A-C-A-B" on his scantron. Z sits next to Haywood and copies with ease. HR WOMAN Now pass those forward and do not pocket those pens, we need those back. The men pass forward their tests and pens. HR WOMAN Follow me. You are now going to get a tour of the facilities. INT. LABORATORY -DAY The lackeys are in a huge laboratory filled with original, beautifully sculpted Professor Leftfoot prostheses: LEGS, ARMS and FEET are on display. The men are in awe. HR WOMAN And you are entitled to any limb you want... on the house. Z Word. MILO (excited) When do we get to meet the great Professor Leftfoot? INT. HALLWAY -THAT MOMENT PROFESSOR CAESAR LEFTFOOT paces down a long hallway. He is a deeply tanned, scarred and strange looking man. And due to his Leprosy, he is almost a complete prosthesis himself. 35. Following him is a LACKEY with a bucket of ice and another LACKEY who holds a duffle bag filled with an assortment of ergonomically fit super-human prosthesis, just in case Professor Leftfoot requires one. INT. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT'S OFFICE -CONTINUOUS Professor Leftfoot hobbles on to a golden throne befit with an assortment of beautiful diamonds, rubies and sapphires. He pulls out a POCKET MIRROR and some blemish concealer. He grotesquely applies thick makeup to cover his decrepit face. A MERCENARY enters with a large case. Professor Leftfoot quickly pockets the mirror. MERCENARY Sir... I deliver to you the grandest of all beauties. May I unveil... the Pablo Picasso collection! The Mercenary unloads the paintings from his case revealing original Picasso's: “Nude on a Black Armchair,” “Les Demoiselles d'Avignon,” “Guernica” and on and on. Professor Leftfoot looks pleased. He rises and walks over to the treasure. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Ah... now this is beauty. Deformity with a little madness thrown in for good measure. He picks up Picasso's “Self-portrait with Cloak.” He holds it up as he looks into the mirror. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I'll show the world what beauty is. When my collection is complete I will destroy all that the world considers beautiful and give them a taste of what it's like to suffer like I have suffered. MERCENARY Sir, there is still the matter of my fee. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Certainly. How rude of me. I forgot I wasn't the most important person in the room. Man wants to get paid. 36. Professor Leftfoot takes out his wallet and sifts through a few dollars. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT What was it again? My memory isn't so good. The Mercenary looks confused. Professor Leftfoot grabs the Mercenary. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Nothing can unfasten my resolve faster than trivial annoyances. He drop kicks the Mercenary using his BIONIC LEFT FOOT. The Mercenary FLIES out the window like a football through a goal posts to the deadly bluffs below. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Where is my wife? Where is Marigold! Professor Leftfoot's EAR falls off. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Someone get me a new ear, this one's fallen off. EXT. GOON VILLAGE -NIGHT We enter GOON VILLAGE where all the Lackeys reside and socialize. We see dorms, convenience stores, restaurants and a crowded pub called "The Villain's Lackey." INT. THE VILLAIN'S LACKEY PUB -CONTINUOUS Milo, Haywood and Z are at the bar. They take in their surroundings -lowlifes, deviants, basically the bottom the social and intelligence chain -they feel right at home. MILO Nice place. (beat) Let's toast to our new jobs. HAYWOOD I can't drink too much, it doesn't mix well with my allergy medicine. This island climate is reeking havoc on my asthma. 37. Z (to the bartender) Three "Adios Motherfuckers." The bartender slides over three neon blue drinks. They hold their drinks high... MILO Praise Professor Leftfoot. HAYWOOD & Z Praise Professor Leftfoot. Suddenly the whole bar responds. THE WHOLE BAR Praise Professor Leftfoot. Milo, Haywood and Z smile. They feel a real camaraderie with their new coworkers. As they enjoy their drinks they can't help but overhear a GROUP OF LACKEYS sharing stories next to them. OAF, the largest of the bunch, has the others captivated. OAF There must have been a thousand of 'em. HENCHMAN #1 No way, I've never seen any. OAF It's true, crazy wild native people live on this island. I saw them when I was on patrol in Sector Seven. HENCHMAN #1 Sector Seven?! GOON #1 Yeah Sector Seven. I heard about that. That area is messed up. I would never go there... alone. HENCHMAN #1 You can't go there as a Souslieuttenan Henchman anyway. 38. OAF I was ordered to investigate Sector Seven after three other guys disappeared. The tone gets serious. HENCHMAN #2 Yeah I heard about that. A henchmen was on post, disappeared, never to be heard from again. Henchman #1 leans in to Milo, Haywood and Z. HENCHMAN #1 Maybe it's the natives. HENCHMAN #2 Maybe it's the volcano. GOON #1 Maybe it's the FBI. MILO Maybe it's Steve Steele. OAF Fuck Steve Steele. Oaf spits on the bar floor. Everyone else in the bar spits on the floor. Milo, Haywood and Z smile at each other. This is exactly what they've been looking for. INT. THE VILLAIN'S LACKEY PUB -LATER Arm in arm the lackeys dance to a jumbo jukebox playing the 70’s war ballad “I Just Want To Celebrate” by Rare Earth. The men smoke, drink and bond. LACKEYS (singing) I just want to celebrate another day of living... Milo, Haywood and Z pound shots at the bar.39. INT. THE VILLAIN'S LACKEY PUB -EVEN LATER The pub has emptied. Milo and Haywood finish their sixth "Audios Motherfucker" while Z sleeps in the fetal position on the bar. Milo passes out. He falls face first into a bowl of nuts. Haywood, drunk off his ass, peruses the bar. Sitting at the corner table is an absolute vision. Haywood sobers just enough to see her. An amazing, perfectly shaped, beautiful AMAZON WOMAN, with a perfectly shaved head. She seductively drinks a martini. Haywood is infatuated. HAYWOOD (to passed out Milo) I have immediate feelings for her. Haywood stands, balances himself, and becomes confident. He smiles as he walks straight for the beautiful goddess. He approaches her table. She turns slowly and faces him, her luscious black skin on the top of her head reflecting the dim bar light. HAYWOOD I love your head. The woman becomes self-conscious, she touches her bald head. Haywood leans in, inches from her glimmering black skin. HAYWOOD May I? WOMAN Why not. She has an intriguing accent, French, Portuguese, we can't place it. Haywood sticks his tongue out and licks her head from her nose to the back of her neck. The woman gets shivers, as if she almost orgasms. HAYWOOD When I was seventeen I realized woman don't always want relationships in the traditional sense of the word. 40. The woman is infatuated, and a bit drunk. WOMAN Then what do women want? Haywood sits across from her. Being drunk has made him into an entirely different person. HAYWOOD Sometimes a woman has needs. Needs more powerful than even a man. WOMAN I have needs. HAYWOOD I know you do. WOMAN And how do you know that? HAYWOOD You ask a lot of questions. WOMAN You're so small but you carry yourself as if you are a man of substance. HAYWOOD Tell me a secret about you that would make you more interesting to me. WOMAN What's your name? HAYWOOD Haywood. Haywood belches. He's very drunk. HAYWOOD Excuse me. Sorry. I had too much--WOMAN A secret. The strange white man wants a secret. Let me see... even though I'm not wearing a ring, I am a married woman. HAYWOOD Is that supposed to frighten me? 41. WOMAN Are you frightened? HAYWOOD Not merely. WOMAN My husband is a loathesome offensive brute. HAYWOOD I didn't ask about your husband. I am not interested in the man who would let such a beautiful woman out of his sights for even an instant. WOMAN He does not treat me with respect. HAYWOOD He treats you like property. WOMAN Yes. HAYWOOD And he abuses you. WOMAN Yes, yes. HAYWOOD And you wish you had the strength to stand up to this man. WOMAN Yes, yes, yes. HAYWOOD You must teach this man a swift and harsh lesson. WOMAN Okay, I will. HAYWOOD Would you like to kiss me? WOMAN (surprised) I would.42. The woman grabs the back of Haywood's head and rams her tongue down his throat. She finishes with him and Haywood leans back in his chair, too cool for school. He smiles and passes right out, slamming his forehead into the table in between them. The woman stands up, she must be at least six feet tall if an inch. She grabs little Haywood by the pants and yanks him up over her shoulder. They exit the bar. INT. BEDROOM -NIGHT The Amazon woman stands in front of a large sound system. She wears a tiny white robe. She pops in a CD. The Ennio Morricone song “Navajo Joe Main Title” comes on. Haywood's legs and arms are tied to posts at the four corners of a large leopard-print bed. He wakes up to the strange jungle chants blasting from the cd player. He sees a plethora of stuffed rare ANIMAL HEADS, large BAYONETS, and other hunting gear mounted to the walls. From Haywood's POV we see the six-foot tall, muscular Amazon Woman. She disrobes and is now completely nude. HAYWOOD (like an innocent little lamb) Be gentle with me. I bruise easily. She growls like a tiger and pounces onto Haywood. EXT. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT'S COMPOUND -THAT MOMENT A brilliant full moon shines down on the little island. A FIGURE emerges from the calm water and walks towards shore removing scuba gear as he goes. The figure approaches a lone HENCHMAN. The Henchman wears a Professor Leftfoot uniform. The man in the scuba gear removes his mask. It's Steve Steele. Again, no effort, Steele's almost bored as he snaps the Henchman’s neck. 43. Steele has just breached Professor Leftfoot's island. FADE TO BLACK: EXT. TRAINING FIELD -MORNING In a large valley down below, we see LACKEYS in an EXTREME CAPTURE THE FLAG exercise. EXPLOSIONS rattle the earth, guns are FIRED into the air, orders are being barked out by true leaders. Milo and Z are exhausted. They sit on the ground, leaning up against a metallic trailer. Haywood strolls by, not a care in the world. MILO Dude. Haywood, hello? Haywood stops and smiles at his friends. HAYWOOD Boys. Long time no see. How are you? MILO Where have you been? HAYWOOD You know that feeling you get after you have sex for hours and you wake up the next morning and you're a little bit sore but totally in love? MILO No Z Not really. HAYWOOD Huh. That's a pity. I'm oozing with that feeling right now. (beat) I also think I had sex last night. My penis smells like chlorine and eggs. Z How did you smell you're own penis? 44. MILO Who'd you have sex with? You didn't have sex. HAYWOOD (sarcastic) Oh, Milo. Simple little Milo. It's okay. I'll introduce you to her. I just have to find her. I woke up near a swamp and I have no idea how I got there. Z Okay, buddy. Whatever you say. HAYWOOD No it really--The Drill Sergeant comes running over to them. He looks pissed. DRILL SERGEANT Does this look like a vacation to you! Get your pansy asses out there and show me what you're made of! Milo, Haywood and Z jump up. MILO Yes, drill sergeant, on our way. EXT. OBSTACLE COURSE -LATER A new round of Extreme Capture the Flag is about to begin. Two teams are at opposite sides of the obstacle course. They’re snarling at each other, raring to go. Z looks at LACKEY #6 on the other team. Lackey #6 wears a tshhir and loose fitting short shorts. Z (yelling) Nice outfit, Sally. Z’s team laughs. LACKEY #6 (yelling back) You’re mine, hair boy. The whistle blows. 45. Chaos ensues as MEN on opposite ends of the field either run for cover or head for the FLAG in the center. Haywood can't even tell what's going on. Smoke, explosions, yelling, it's like a Vietnam movie. In fact, out of no where, THREE VIETNAMESE SOLDIERS run by yelling in a foreign tongue. They disappear into the smoke. Z could care less about the game. He runs right at LACKEY #6. Z I’m gonna eat your face! Lackey #6 jumps in the air towards the flag. Z reaches for him, extending his index finger. On purpose, Z distracts Lackey #6 by sticking his finger up his short shorts and right into his ASS. Lackey #6 screams at the top of his lungs. He curls up into a ball and starts to cry on the field. Z turns to a TEAMMATE. Z That’s how you play defense. The Teammate looks afraid of Z. Milo freezes as he watches one particularly ATHLETIC HENCHMAN dodge opponents, jump over land mines and perform somersaults while in the air. Milo notices the Drill Sergeant watching from the side lines and decides to step it up. Milo outruns TWO LACKEYS. He side steps a third and runs extra hard towards the flag. The Athletic Henchman keeps up with Milo. The two notice each other, then look at the flag. They both go for it at the same time in all the madness. Explosions, bullets, smoke, at the last second the Athletic Henchman knocks Milo out of the way. Milo falls to the ground. MILO Hey! That’s a foul. The Athletic Henchman grabs the flag. He celebrates like a quarter back who just won the Super Bowl. 46. ATHLETIC HENCHMAN Yeah! Yeah! Milo sits there like a loser. His team lifts the Athletic Henchman over their shoulders and carries him off the field. Haywood and Z walk over to Milo. HAYWOOD It’s okay, Milo. At least you tried. Haywood helps him up.MILO I don't recognize that guy. Was he at orientation? HAYWOOD I don't know but he's sure raising the bar for the rest of us. I can't do a somersault to save my life. Z He's really well built too, I mean massive shoulders. I’m really--Z shuts up when he sees Milo giving him a look. Z Hey, Haywood. Come here and smell my finger. EXT. TRAINING FIELD -LATER The field is clear. The Athletic Henchman walks behind the trailer and speaks into his watch. ATHLETIC HENCHMAN Assimilation complete. Commencing next faze of infiltration. The Athletic Henchman takes off his helmet. To the audience, it's obviously Steve Steele, however, he wears a prosthetic nose and his blond hair is parted differently, but he still has the same amazing tan. CUT TO: Milo yells back to Haywood: 47. MILO I think I left my helmet next to the trailer... Milo grabs his helmet and looks up to see Steve Steele quickly cover his watch. Milo looks at him suspiciously. MILO I'm Milo, have we met? Steele quickly looks around. On the bottom of the metallic trailer an emblem reads "John Deere." STEVE STEELE Ha! I mean, uh, John. MILO That was some pretty impressive capture-the-flag today. Where did you learn those moves? Steele puts his arm around Milo. STEVE STEELE Man, the shit I've been through... Just as Steele is about to snap Milo's neck and rid himself of this suspicious nuisance a group of HENCHMEN approach led by Oaf. Steele quickly retracts his arm. OAF Come on, man. Lemme buy you a drink. Those were some kick ass moves out there. STEVE STEELE A drink. Excellent! Let's go. Steele grabs the Henchmen and leads them off the field. Milo follows but isn't over his suspicions. INT. THE VILLAIN'S LACKEY PUB -NIGHT Milo, Haywood and Z are at the bar getting beers. Milo stares angrily at Steele who sits in a booth telling stories to a group of MORONS. He seems bigger than life, true gravitas. MILO (to Haywood and Z) I don't like that guy.48. Z Who? John Deere? He's okay. You just can't stand that he's a better lackey than you. MILO Something's not right. I'm going over there. Milo, Haywood and Z join Steele and the other lackeys. STEVE STEELE (to Milo) Buddy! MILO It's Milo. Steele turns his attention back to the group. STEVE STEELE So anyway, any you guys been inside the Professor's lair? MILO Yeah, we got a tour of the prosthetic facilities. How come you weren't there? STEVE STEELE Settle down, buddy. I was the last lackey hired. Came in on the last boat, didn't make that tour. Haywood nudges Milo. MILO Oh. HAYWOOD See, he has an explanation. Milo, dejected, gets up and leaves the table. INT. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT'S OFFICE -NIGHT Professor Leftfoot is in his office pacing. He stops to press a button on an intercom on the wall. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Send in my wife!49. (MORE) The large doors to his office open. In walks, MARIGOLD, the six-foot tall Amazon Woman from the bar. Haywood's one night stand is Professor Leftfoot's wife. MARIGOLD (mocking) You've summoned, sire. Professor Leftfoot slowly approaches his wife. He sniffs her. She looks disgusted by him. He tries to kiss her as she wiggles around avoiding his lips. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Damn it woman, am I that disgusting? MARIGOLD Disgusting is harsh. She looks him over. MARIGOLD I'd say repulsive. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT You're insane. I can't deal with you. Guards! Marigold looks at her watch. MARIGOLD Well that's gotta be some kind of record. I've been banished in under a minute. Two GUARDS come running in, weapons drawn. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT (flustered) I could... I could do more than banish you. MARIGOLD What could you do to me that you haven’t already done? PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT (angry) You don't love me... fine. I'm not attractive... fine. But you listen to me. I'm the one with power. 50. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT(cont'd) There are things on this island underway that you couldn’t even fathom. (to the guards) Get my in-laws. The guards exit the office. They return with an OLDER NATIVE COUPLE. Both the man and the woman have metallic prosthetic arms. Marigold gasps. MARIGOLD (to her parents) Walla ana tay!!! (to Professor Leftfoot) What are you going to do to my parents?! The older couple begins to cry. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Insolence! Intolerable, impudent insolence. You have rejected me for the last time. Marigold runs for her parents. The guards grab her. MARIGOLD No! Professor Leftfoot stands behind the older native couple. He cracks his prosthetic fingers. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Daaaad. He kisses his father-in-law on each cheek and gives him a big hug. Professor Leftfoot is so pleased with himself he prances over to his mother-in-law.PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Mom. You've always made me feel so... very unwelcome on your island. Professor Leftfoot kisses her on the mouth. He walks to his desk where he flips up a box to reveal a button. He presses the button. 51. Marigold’s parents stare at their arms. They’re afraid. The metallic prosthetic limbs come alive. They begin to CHOKE themselves. MARIGOLD Stop it! Don’t do this. Her parents choke themselves to death. They fall to the floor. Professor Leftfoot puts his arm around Marigold. Marigold sobs. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT There, there now. How about tomorrow, we spend the day on the little boat? Wouldn't that be nice? Let's just forget all about this nasty business. He gives her a huge smile. She is a complete mess. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT That's good. Let it out. Let it out. It's hard to grow up and leave the nest. As Professor Leftfoot exits his office he tells the guards: PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Put her in the tower for safe keeping. FADE TO BLACK: INT. HALLWAY -MORNING Milo stands with other LACKEYS at a posting. They’re all clamoring for position to find out their permanent assignments. MILO Where’s my name? Milo pushes a guy out of the way. MILO Move it, man.52. He notices that Haywood and Z are at the top of the list with the highest scores possible. Milo looks over at Z who picks his belly button and shows his findings to Haywood. Milo continues down the list to his name and over to his assignment that reads "Special Lackey Unit." He looks intrigued. The Drill Sergeant approaches pushing lackeys out of the way. DRILL SERGEANT Where are Haywood and Z! The Sergeant spots them off to the side and grabs them by the arm. They look afraid. DRILL SERGEANT Damn it, boys! We've never had anyone score as high as the two of you! You two are fucking geniuses! Haywood and Z smile. DRILL SERGEANT I've got something special planned for the two of you! Milo comes running over. MILO (to the sergeant) Sir, what is the special lackey unit? DRILL SERGEANT You should be proud. Sit tight, you'll be briefed at 0800. Right now I'm taking these two with me. Milo shakes hands with Haywood and Z. MILO Congratulations, guys. Haywood pulls Milo aside. HAYWOOD Dude, remember in high school we had no idea what was going on and we filled in ABACAB on every multiple choice test because of that Genesis song? 53. MILO Yeah? HAYWOOD I filled in ABACAB on the intelligence test. Z runs over to them. Z Yeah, and I cheated off him. Milo looks worried. The Drill Sergeant approaches. DRILL SERGEANT Come on, you two. We’ve got some humpin’ to do. Z looks grossed out. Z I like you and all, drill sergeant but I’m as straight as they come. DRILL SERGEANT (annoyed) Walking you idiot! For a smart guy you sure are stupid. Milo looks at his friends. MILO Good luck, guys. Haywood and Z follow the Drill Sergeant. Steele arrives and peruses the list. He walks over and hits Milo on the arm. It hurts. STEVE STEELE Looks like we're going to be working together, buddy. Milo fakes a smile. Out of no where Oaf tackles Milo to the ground and gives him a big noogie.54. OAF Get excited! Special lackey unit. Either of you guys know what that is? MILO Get off me, Oaf. Three other LACKEYS approach. This six-unit squad comprises the special lackey unit. An OFFICER approaches and addresses them. OFFICER Men. You have been assigned to the Special Lackeys Unit, Professor Leftfoot's private guards. The men look honored. Steele looks like he expected it. OFFICER You will be assigned to his daily routine. He looks at an assignment sheet. OFFICER It looks here that Milo and John Deere are assigned to shadow the good Professor this morning on his boat. Milo and Steele look excited. Both for different reasons. OFFICER You two are to report to the docks immediately. Go! Go! Go! Milo and Steele run off. EXT. JUNGLE -DAY The Drill Sergeant wears BINOCULARS around his neck. He leads Haywood and Z through the jungle. Haywood is terrified of the thousands of bugs and creepy crawlies in the jungle. EXT. JUNGLE -LATER Haywood and Z drag their feet behind the Drill Sergeant. The Sergeant comes to a ramshackle post near a steep cliff. 55. (MORE) EXT. RAMSHACKLE POST -CONTINUOUS A rusty sign on the post reads: SECTOR SEVEN. Haywood, wheezing now, gives Z a worried look. HAYWOOD Sir, I heard sector seven was off limits. DRILL SERGEANT You two scored so well on the skills and aptitude test this post is right up your alley. You see, in this corporation the smarter you are the farther away from the action we put you. This here is a thinking man's post. Haywood and Z exchange worried looks. The sergeant walks to the back of the post near the cliff. The ocean is far, far below. He turns on an old generator. HAYWOOD And what if, for instance, the test was a fluke? DRILL SERGEANT Hey, look, I'm not gonna lie. Some nasty shit has happened in sector seven but it's up to you two to observe and take notes. The Sergeant enters the post. Haywood and Z follow. INT. RAMSHACKLE POST -CONTINUOUS The post is empty save for a desk with an old, dusty computer on it. The Sergeant flips on the computer. It still works. Z Nasty shit, sir? DRILL SERGEANT Some lackeys have disappeared. We presume they deserted, went AWOL, you know a little too much whiskey, cabin fever sets in. 56. DRILL SERGEANT(cont'd) But you two don't have to worry about that, okay? You're smart. Haywood and Z laugh nervously. HAYWOOD Are there natives on this island, sir? DRILL SERGEANT That old rumor circulating again? Hell no, there are no natives and anyone who tells you otherwise is just busting balls! Now shut the fuck up about natives and come here! Haywood and Z stare at the computer. DRILL SERGEANT You're only job is to keep track of commercial ships that sail too close to the island. Perimeter security. That's all. You enter any information into this Excel spreadsheet and it automatically gets fed back to the base. Make sure you save the information every hour. The Sergeant points to the computer screen. DRILL SERGEANT If you don't save every hour, the base will know. It's not that we don't trust you, it's just that we've lost many men out here, and we don't trust you. Haywood and Z nod. The Sergeant takes the binoculars off from around his neck and places them next to the computer. DRILL SERGEANT You use these binoculars if you have to locate ships. It's a very important position. Food will be delivered to you in the morning. You'll have enough rations for one week and then you'll be supplied with more. 57. The Drill Sergeant walks towards the door. He turns around and says: DRILL SERGEANT And do not, under any circumstances, leave your post! If you do, you'll face dire consequences! The last two who deserted got their nuts ripped off and were forced to eat 'em. And with no salt, just balls. Haywood looks worried. Z laughs, then looks worried. INT. CABIN -LATER Insert: Five minutes later. Haywood panics. HAYWOOD I can't stay here. I can't do this. I'm going crazy isolated out here. What if they forget about our food? What if the natives get us? What if I crack! Z Calm down. They're not going to forget us. Haywood takes in a deep breath. The two men hear RATTLING on the roof of the cabin. Z It's the natives. They're going to kill us. Haywood drops to the ground and covers his head. HAYWOOD Shhh.. A MONKEY appears at the window. It stares at Z and Haywood. Z It's just a monkey. 58. HAYWOOD What do we do? Z stands up. The monkey screams and grabs the binoculars. It exits the cabin. Z Hey, get back here! Z chases after it. HAYWOOD Dude, we're not allowed to leave. Haywood follows Z. Z runs into the jungle after the monkey. HAYWOOD Z! Where are you going? What about our post? Haywood stares back at the isolated, ramshackle cabin. He runs inside and clicks save on the Excel spreadsheet. He shakes his head and follows Z and the monkey into the jungle. EXT. JUNGLE -DAY Marigold sits atop a beautiful white HORSE. The horse is being led by Milo. Her hands are tied behind her back. Steele is a few paces behind. MARIGOLD This is completely unnecessary. Can you please untie me? MILO Just following orders, Mrs. Leftfoot. MARIGOLD The Nazis were just following orders too. STEVE STEELE Listen, princess, we're taking you to the good Professor's boat. How's about zipping that lip? 59. Milo stares at Steele, how could he talk to Professor Leftfoot's wife like that? MARIGOLD I am not a princess. I am a native of this island, my island, and if I feel like talking I will. STEVE STEELE I don't think--MILO (interrupting) I think we're here. EXT. PORT OF LEFTFOOT -THAT MOMENT Tied to a tiny little wooden port is the most beautiful, luxurious YACHT Milo has ever seen called EL PIE IZQUIERDO (The Left Foot). Professor Leftfoot appears in a captain's outfit. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT All aboard! Load her up, boys. Leave the horse be, she'll wander back home eventually. EXT. PORT OF LEFTFOOT -DAY A LACKEY unties the yacht from the port. Motors come to life and the spectacular-looking yacht heads to sea. INT. EL PIE IZQUIERDO -LATER Professor Leftfoot stands at the wheel of his yacht inside the cabin. Milo and Steele stand behind him. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I am going to reminisce now. You will be patient and listen. I was brought up a devout Catholic in the Church of Santo Maria--MILO (excited) That's the church where you learned you were a leper! He shoots Milo a look.60. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Yes, it’s true. I was under the guise and protection of Father Chavez, Father Julio, Father Carlos, Father Huerta, Father Domingo and a second Father Chavez. I loved them all so much I took each of their names and it was an honor to do so. Professor Leftfoot steers the wheel of the yacht and continues to stare out to sea. Milo beams with pride. There he is standing next to one of the greatest and most influential of the world's villains. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I now sell limbs. And on the side, I terrorize the world for kicks. STEVE STEELE I hear you're worth billions. Marigold enters the cabin wearing a bikini. All the men stare. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT My wife. Professor Leftfoot approaches her to give her a little kiss. She allows it. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT If I didn't know any better I'd guess you were about to kill me. MARIGOLD Why? PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I just nixed your parents and you haven't let me so much as touch you in over a month, but I see from what you have on you couldn't be hiding anything. (to the Captain) We will be dining now. Send out the servants. The Captain tips his hat.61. CAPTAIN Yes, sir. EXT. DECK -LATER Fine foods and wines overflow from a table. Professor Leftfoot sits at one end, and Marigold the other. Milo and Steele stand behind Professor Leftfoot who eats with reckless abandon. Marigold takes out a cigarette. Steele pulls out a LIGHTER and flashes her a smile. He leaves the LIGHTER by her side. MARIGOLD (to Professor Leftfoot) You have no interest in giving your help some food? PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT (chewing) Go on, boys, help yourself. MILO No thank you, sir. Steele joins them at the table and grabs a piece of chicken. Milo stares at him, what does he think he's doing? STEVE STEELE So, doc, what kind of stuff are you doing on this island? Professor Leftfoot stops chewing. A smile turns in to full blown laughter. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Ha. Ha. Hahahahahahahahha. Excellent question. I will bless you with a response right now. Nobody notices Marigold slide the lighter into her bathing suit bottom. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I'm going to kill the world's culture. Simple. Straightforward. And surprisingly easy.62. STEVE STEELE And how are you going to do that? Marigold stands up. MARIGOLD Haven't you noticed all the boxes coming in? He's collecting art, stupid. He's going to destroy the world's greatest art and thus, kill culture. (to Professor Leftfoot) But your fatal flaw, my dear, is that you can't destroy physical pieces of art and expect it to have any great impact on anything. I think you're doing it because you’re bored and isolated. Milo interjects. He's defensive. MILO He's doing it because it's never been done before. It doesn't take much for a villain to hatch a plan where he takes hostages or threatens the world with a nuclear device or holds the president hostage. Professor Leftfoot is impressed with Milo. MILO It's brilliant. It doesn't matter what the outcome is, it's not about money. It's about having a dream and fulfilling it. He hates beautiful things, aside from you, so he's going to destroy them for the pure sake of destroying them. It's a cut above genius. Milo suddenly realizes his place. He looks at Professor Leftfoot. MILO Sorry, sir, I spoke out of turn. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT No, no that was good.63. MARIGOLD Well I think you're all insane people! Marigold storms off. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT (to Milo and Steele) It appears as though I finally got two lackeys by my side who are not as stupid as they look. Steele smirks. MILO Thank you, sir. INT. ENGINE ROOM -THAT MOMENT Marigold walks down a flight of stairs into the engine room. She searches for something. She finds a long RUBBER TUBE connecting a pipe to a wall. She yanks it out. She goes to a GASKET on the wall marked GASOLINE. She unscrews the gasket and sticks the pipe into it. She starts to suck the opposite end of the pipe, siphoning the gas out of the tank. She chokes as gas pours all over the floor of the engine room. She takes out the lighter and stands near the stairs. She flicks on the light and leaves it by the foot of the stairs. She runs out of the room. The gasoline snakes its way towards the lighter. EXT. DECK -THAT MOMENT Marigold runs right into Milo. MILO I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I came to check on--He sniffs the air. MILO Is that gasoline? Marigold looks frightened. She runs past Milo who runs down the stairs to investigate. CUT TO: 64. Professor Leftfoot and Steele talk at the table. They both watch Marigold jump right off the boat and into the water. The two men looks confused. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Are you done with lunch then? Milo runs out of the engine room. MILO Save Professor Leftfoot! Gas! Engine room! Steele quickly grabs Professor Leftfoot and they both jump into the water. Milo jumps on to the table full of food and jumps over the side of the boat when it EXPLODES to pieces behind him. Milo flies end over end into the ocean. EXT. JUNGLE -DAY Back in the jungle, Z is a wild man on a mission chasing the monkey. Haywood, tired, reluctantly follows. HAYWOOD Z, wait up. Deeper and deeper into the jungle they go. Haywood stops. HAYWOOD I have to rest. Z comes back. HAYWOOD (wheezing) We... can't... keep... running... we're... gonna... get... in... trouble. A REFLECTION hits Z in the eyes. He moves his head and through the trees sees a huge rock formation. At the top of the rocks something metallic is shining. Z What’s that? Haywood strains his eyes. He’s blinded by the reflection.65. HAYWOOD It looks like metal on top of those rocks. Z That’s weird. Suddenly, Haywood and Z hear a terrible SCREAM from up ahead. Haywood freaks out. HAYWOOD I’m out of here! He goes crying into the jungle. Z goes in the opposite direction to find the source of the screaming. He continues down the path and comes upon the monkey caught in a trap. Z What's the matter, little guy. Z undoes the trap and frees the monkey who jumps into his arms. Z picks up the binoculars and puts them around his neck. Z You sure are friendly. What's your name, huh? I'm going to call you Gonzo. The monkey purses his lips and kisses Z on the head. The monkey jumps and runs into the jungle. Z follows. INT. JUNGLE -THAT MOMENT Haywood comes to a fork in the road. He’s crying like a twoyeea old. He has no idea which way to go. Out of nowhere, Marigold's white horse appears and cautiously approaches Haywood. The horse licks his face. Haywood stops crying and smiles at the horse. INT. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT'S OFFICE -DAY Professor Leftfoot is in his quarters. A trio of scantily clad UGLY WOMEN dance for him. The Professor is more annoyed than entertained; he is no worse for wear from the explosion. 66. Steve and Milo stand by his side grossed out by the women. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Why do I have no luck with women? I finally capture a good one and she tries to kill me. (to Milo and Steele) I keep these around to make me feel better about myself. You know, because of the leprosy and all. Milo gives a compassionate nod. A LIEUTENANT enters abruptly. LIEUTENANT Sir, it seems that the two lackeys stationed at sector seven have left their post. It's been over an hour since they last saved the Excel spreadsheet. Milo looks worried. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Send out a squadron of men to find them. My last painting is about to arrive. I will have no screw ups now! I want them thrown into the dungeon. I will make examples out of them in front of all of my minions. MILO Sir, maybe I should go out there to check on things. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT No, No, you are a good underling. The grand moment is coming and I need to have men I can trust by my side. Now take these horrible looking specimens back to their cage. STEVE STEELE Yes sir, right away. Steele begins to herd the ugly women. He seems eager about something and Milo can sense it. 67. INT. HALLWAY -LATER Milo and Steele escort the ugly women out of Professor Leftfoot's office. Steele looks antsy. STEVE STEELE Hey buddy, you mind taking this one, I've got to check on... something. Milo looks confused. STEVE STEELE Yeah, the Professor asked me to work overtime. Thanks, dude. Steele takes off. Milo is suspicious. Milo snaps his fingers for a SUBORDINATE to come over. SUBORDINATE Yes, sir. MILO Take these women back to their quarters. The women are herded away. Milo goes after Steele. EXT. JUNGLE -LATER Milo stays hidden in the shadows of the jungle as he watches Steele. Steele is in a big hurry. He uses a MACHETE to hack his way through the jungle. Milo sneaks closer to Steele. He hides behind a large rock formation. Steele speaks into his watch. Milo only hears bits and pieces. STEVE STEELE (unintelligible) Check that... maniac... big hurry... submarine...68. We hear rumbling. A volcanic EARTHQUAKE rips through the jungle. Both men brace themselves. Birds CHIRP and SCREECH as they fly off trees high above them. The earthquake stops, but the loud rumbling is replaced by a strange metallic, PINGING sound. Like rocks hitting a metal surface. Milo protects his head as a cluster of rocks falls on the jungle floor next to him with a THUD. Milo looks at the ROCK FORMATION. He presses his ear up against the rock. He looks up. The rock formation extends high up into the air above the trees. Steele SUDDENLY appears. STEVE STEELE Hi Milo. Milo is scared shitless. MILO (out of breath) Oh mama. Steele has his machete. Milo smiles at Steele. MILO (meekly) Hi John. STEVE STEELE (intimidating) What’s going on? What are you doing out here? MILO I, uh, did you hear that... metal sound? STEVE STEELE I did. Sounds like it’s coming from here. Steele stares up to check out the size of the huge rock. He takes a step closer to Milo. Milo takes a step back. 69. STEVE STEELE What do you suppose it is? MILO Could be a trap... by the natives. STEVE STEELE It could be--Without further hesitation, Milo RUNS in the opposite direction into the jungle. Steele chases after him, but stares at his watch. He lets Milo run away into the jungle. Steele looks up at the rock formation. He contemplates his next move. Like a true, hero, he climbs the rock. EXT. ROCK FORMATION -MOMENTS LATER We see a view of the island from a mile above it. We see the volcano, the coast, Professor Leftfoot’s compound, the goon village and we also see the huge rock formation in the center of the island. The middle of the rock formation is carved out. A laboratory has been built into the rock formation. The laboratory has no roof which allows us to see a giant BOMB held in check by four MECHANICAL ARMS extending from the laboratory floor. Steele reaches the top of the rock formation. As the camera moves in closer to the rock formation, the bomb gets larger and larger and larger until we are right on top of it. It has a huge LEFT FOOT symbol on it. Steele has a shocked and horrified look on his face. EXT. BEACH -MOMENTS LATER Steele appears at a clearing in the jungle. He walks along the beach towards the water. He walks right up to the edge of the water. He checks to make sure the coast is clear. He enters the water. CUT TO: Milo is watching from down the beach. He sees bubbles rise from the water. He quickly runs back to the compound. 70. EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE -NIGHT The monkey leads Z through the jungle. Z has his shirt wrapped around his head. They come upon what looks like a DESERTED VILLAGE. MONKEY Boom boom, click, walla nugu nu. Z Is that German, Gonzo? MONKEY Click, walla nugu nu. The monkey motions to the little huts in the village. MONKEY Boom boom, click. Z Is this your village? The monkey nods his head. Z enters the empty village. Z Hey, where is everyone? MONKEY Walla nugu nu. The monkey act out the following: he shows Z handcuffed hands, blindfolds and dragged into the jungle. Z Boom, boom click! Well, we gotta do something about this. That ain't right. You can't just come up on a village and drag people away. I wonder if Professor Leftfoot knows anything about this? MONKEY Oooooohhhhhhhoooooohhhhhaaaaahhhh! The monkey freaks out. He starts to attack Z, who defends himself. He finally grabs hold of him. Z Dude, hold up a second. What's up? 71. The monkey scowls and spits on the ground. Z Did Professor Leftfoot do this to your village? The monkey nods. Z motions to the jungle. Z Show me where your people are. Suddenly, a LOBSTER NET is thrown over their heads. Z Hey. What the--Z tries to break free. A group of LACKEYS drag them off into the jungle. LACKEY CAPTAIN You damn natives! How do you keep getting out of your cages? Z decides to keep quiet. He motions for the monkey to do the same. EXT. OCEAN -SUBMARINE -DAY Steele swims to a tank of oxygen weighted down by a rock. He puts it on and begins to breathe. In front of him, about twenty feet under water, is a huge submarine. The side of the submarine reads: STEVE STEELE: WORLD SAVER. He opens a hatch and enters. Inside the sub, Steele closes the hatch. Like a vacuum, the water is sucked from the room. He sets down the oxygen tank and enters the next chamber. EXT. JUNGLE -SUNSET Haywood approaches the white horse. It's calm. He pets the horse and grabs its lead. Haywood hears the sounds of MEN in the jungle. HAYWOOD Oh, thank god. Haywood sees a DOZEN LACKEYS with guns drawn led by Oaf. 72. OAF (to the men) Hold up a minute. Oaf stares into the black jungle. OAF Haywood is that you? Come out come out where ever you are. You're in big trouble, man. Oaf fires his weapon and it grazes a tree near Haywood. The horse is freaked out. Its lead gets caught around Haywood's arm. The horse runs into the jungle dragging Haywood behind it. OAF There he is! This way, boys. Oaf and the other lackeys charge through the jungle after Haywood. INT. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT'S OFFICE -LATER Milo stands before Professor Leftfoot. He acts authoritative and confident. MILO John Deere is a spy and he is trying to hurt the corporation. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Impossible. MILO I followed him into the jungle. I tracked him through the jungle and he’s got this watch. I think he’s reporting to someone. He might have a submarine. Milo now has Professor Leftfoot's attention. Professor Leftfoot paces. He’s mad. He stops in front of Milo and CHOKES him. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I won’t allow anything to get in the way of my plans do you understand? Milo, turning red, nods. 73. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I can not have that goody two shoes on my island. Not now. Professor Leftfoot let’s go of Milo. He BITCH SLAPS Milo. Milo let’s out a yelp. A trickle of blood down the side of his mouth. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I apologize. I didn’t mean to do that. I just get so angry. Milo, hurt, stares hard at Professor Leftfoot. MILO It’s okay, sir. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT A spy, you say. Here's what you do. You find John Deere. You bring him here. Is that clear? MILO Yes, sir. Professor Leftfoot stands, removes his prosthetic arm and touches his prosthetic hand to each of Milo's shoulders. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I hearby pronounce you Ultimate Lackey Leader. Arrest John Deere and throw him in jail. Milo is fearful of the Professor. He’s hesitant. Professor Leftfoot picks something from his teeth. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Is that all? MILO Yes, sir. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Nothing else to say? You look like you’ve got something else on your mind. MILO Nothing, sir. I’ll go find John Deere. 74. Milo exits. Professor Leftfoot, suspicious, stares after him. INT. SUBMARINE -THAT MOMENT In the submarine we meet RORY ST. CLAIRE (30s) the fast talking, balls out executive producer for the STEVE STEELE: WORLD SAVER reality show. Steele stands in front of a white screen, a bright light shines on him. Rory clips a microphone to Steele's shirt. A SEXY FEMALE INTERN primps his hair, but it's already perfect. She takes off his prosthetic nose to touch it up. A CAMERAMAN preps a camera for broadcast. RORY Chop, chop folks we go live to the world in one minute. You're beautiful, Stevie, babe-a-rino. STEVE STEELE Let's do this. The cameraman is set to go. RORY And five... four... three... two... Rory backs away. Steve flashes his patented smile; his teeth dazzle in the light. STEVE STEELE Hi, America! Steve Steele here to give you the update of a lifetime. I'm on a remote island off the Ivory Coast in Africa. Professor Leftfoot is an evil-doer extraordinaire. I haven’t even told you the biggest news! This island is rigged with a giant, humongous, scary-looking b.o.m.b. bomb! I saw it with my own two eyes. It’s a megaton bomb if I’ve ever seen one. If I don’t stop this maniac we’ll all be blown to kingdom come. 75. Rory and his crew are freaked out. The cameraman lowers his camera. Rory motions for the cameraman to continue to shoot Steele. RORY ST. CLAIR Steve, is this true? STEVE STEELE I have to get back to the island to save... well everyone. (to Rory) Is the nose ready? Steele takes the nose and the sexy female intern puts it back on his face. FEMALE INTERN There’s a camera in the right nostril. It’ll capture everything as he experiences it. Steele, with his blond hair, tan, and rugged good looks, now wears his fake nose. Steele lays a huge kiss on the sexy female intern who swoons. STEVE STEELE I’m off to save the world! EXT. JUNGLE -NIGHT Haywood clings to the horse for dear life. The horse speeds through the jungle and jumps over a fallen tree. Haywood is bounced up into the air and lands on the horse midstrrid crushing Haywood's balls. Shots ring out in the night and whizz by him. The horse comes to a cliff. HAYWOOD What the--Haywood is confronted by all the options anyone in his situation could want. But none of the options provide a clear path to safety. There are VINES that he could use as a zip line. There is a rickety old BRIDGE. And there is also a HANG GLIDER leaning against a tree. 76. Haywood reluctantly chooses the old bridge. It's rickety and old and hundreds of feet above a raging river. The horse steps onto the bridge. The lackeys arrive at the cliff and fire their guns at Haywood (more crying). Several lackeys use the bridge to chase after him. OAF Come on, Haywood, just give it up. We don't want to hurt you, do we boys? LACKEYS (in unison) Hell no! Other lackeys use the zip line and fly by Haywood's head and land on the other side. One lackey jumps onto the hang glider. Haywood's still crying. He's frozen with fear. The horse knocks Haywood off and runs to the other side of the bridge. The bridge gives. Five lackeys fall to their death. Amazingly, Haywood, because he's so small and frail, is flung upwards to the zip line. He grabs hold and just hangs there. The lackey on the hang glider jumps off the cliff and is flying towards him. Haywood, not strong enough, lets go and lands directly on the hang glider, knocking unconscious the lackey flying it. HAYWOOD Oh my god! Haywood shuts his eyes as he glides to the other side of the cliff. HAYWOOD Ahhhh!!!! He smashes through trees in the jungle. Haywood opens his eyes, realizes he is alive. 77. (MORE) Haywood turns back to see Oaf and a few surviving lackeys on the other side of the cliff. His cries turn to laughter. He gets back on the horse and rides into the jungle. EXT. JUNLGE -THAT MOMENT Milo is upset as he walks through the jungle. MILO I can’t believe he hit me. I shouldn’t have to put up with that. Milo stops. He sees a GLOW shining in the jungle. Curious, he approaches. Suddenly, the SPIRIT of TED LAVENDER, the bully from high school, appears wearing a long brown and white robe. A brilliant glow surrounds him. Ted has gained some serious weight. SPIRIT OF TED (haunting) Milo. Milo. Milo is freaked out, but then recognizes Ted Lavender. MILO (surprised) Ted? Ted is that you? SPIRIT OF TED It’s me. MILO What happened to you? You used to be good looking and cool. SPIRIT OF TED Yeah, well. High schools over, man. When I died I had thirty-three bucks to my name, I lived on the couch at my mom’s place and I worked at Costco in the frozen foods department. MILO That sounds terrible. SPIRIT OF TED You bet it was terrible. But I was happy. 78. SPIRIT OF TED(cont'd) Free room and board at my mom’s and all the mini-tacos I could eat at work. MILO It doesn’t sound like you made anything of yourself. SPIRIT OF TED I just told you I worked at Costco. That place is amazing. MILO How’d you die anyway? SPIRIT OF TED Look at me. I’m 400 pounds. I died of a massive coronary on the toilet at a Lakers game. MILO Jesus. SPIRIT OF TED Don’t you end up like me, Milo. Don’t fuck this thing up. You’ve got a nice gig here working for this Leftfoot guy. MILO I’m having this total crisis of consciousness. Professor Leftfoot might not be the glorious leader I thought he was. SPIRIT OF TED Let me fill you in on a little secret. Out of all the number twos I had, you were number one. You always went above and beyond. You always did as I asked, when I asked. And not once did I ever get in trouble. You were always there to clean up my messes. Milo contemplates this. MILO Hmm. I guess you’re right. I was pretty good at being a lackey, even back then. SPIRIT OF TED Fuckin ‘A. 79. There is an awkward silence. Nothing happens. MILO Okay, then. I’ll see you. The Spirit of Ted looks around for something, someone. SPIRIT OF TED Right. Okay. Good luck, Milo. MILO Thanks. Milo leaves the Spirit of Ted, but, he turns around. Ted is sitll there. MILO Aren’t you supposed to disappear or something? The Spirit of Ted looks up into the trees. SPIRIT OF TED Yeah. Go on. I’ll be fine. MILO (hesitant) Okay. Milo enters the jungle. The Spirit of Ted takes a deep breath and waits. EXT. BEACH -LATER We hear the sounds of crashing waves. Haywood makes his way to the beach. A beautiful full moon, as large as the sky, hangs low over the ocean. Haywood sees a figure in the sand. He jumps off the horse and approaches. It's Marigold. She's unconscious, her slender body exposed in a tiny white bikini. Haywood falls to the ground and puts her head on his lap. Marigold wakes. She stares into Haywood's eyes. She sits up. MARIGOLD It's you. 80. HAYWOOD I thought I'd never see you again. MARIGOLD I need to show you something. Marigold stands. She sees her horse. MARIGOLD You even brought my horse. HAYWOOD It was no big deal. MARIGOLD I've got to show you what your so called boss, my despicable husband, is doing on this island. Marigold drags Haywood back into the jungle. HAYWOOD Wait, can we have sex first? EXT. JUNGLE -LATER Marigold takes Haywood to an ancient temple in the jungle. Statues adorn the temple in between long and twisting vines. Marigold pushes and twists a knob on the statue and a door pops open. Marigold and Haywood enter. INT. LABORATORY -CONTINUOUS Marigold leads Haywood to a laboratory. HAYWOOD What is this place? Marigold motions for Haywood to follow her. We hear muted screams and cries of pain. Marigold and Haywood peer into a window to find the NATIVES of the Island getting limbs ripped off, others with poorly attached limbs struggling to move and others tied to beds. MARIGOLD (whispering) This is not right. 81. Haywood is disgusted at this terrible display. HAYWOOD We can't just go in there. We have to have a plan. Haywood and Marigold stand behind a boulder and watch several LACKEYS unload newly captured natives into the lab. Z is amongst the captives.HAYWOOD Look. It's Z. I gotta go find Milo. As Haywood and Marigold turn around, Oaf and the remaining lackeys appear, weapons drawn. Oaf smiles. OAF Party's over said the man with the big gun. INT. JUNGLE -NIGHT Steele walks through the jungle trying to not move his fake nose. STEVE STEELE Maybe sticking this camera into my nose wasn't such a good idea. Steele hears something and turns around. The last thing he sees is Milo SMASH the butt of a gun into this face. FADE TO BLACK: INT. DUNGEON -NIGHT Inside a PIT, Steele is strapped to a table. An intravenous drip attached to his arm. A tray of scary looking medical equipment, SAWS, SCALPELS, NEEDLES, next to his head. JARS filled with EMBALMING FLUID and other liquids are scattered around Steele’s body. Two DOCTORS prep themselves for some kind of surgery on Steele. Professor Leftfoot stands with Milo on a BEAM twenty feet above the operation room overlooking Steele and the Doctors. There are several CELLS in the DUNGEON above the operation room where Professor Leftfoot and Milo stand. 82. (MORE) PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I’m very proud of you, Milo. This is good work. MILO Thank you, sir. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT (to Steele down below) Traitor. Hey, stupid. Up here. MILO His name is John Deere, sir. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I don’t care what his name is, he’s a dead man. Steele, tied down, is angry. He locates Professor Leftfoot and Milo standing above him. STEVE STEELE You think this is gonna stop me, you maniac? I’ve seen worse. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Do you know what these doctor’s are going to do to you? STEVE STEELE I’m going to escape before they have the chance. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I really don’t think so. Let me let you in on a little secret. Professor Leftfoot paces, he’s hunched over, very menacing. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Right now, these doctors are prepping you for something really special. You see I’m working on many different things on this island, not least of which is the human body and what it’s limits and boundaries are. I’m interested to find out what it would be like to kill someone, detach them, piece by piece, then try to rebuild them. Please don’t think of me as some kind of Dr. Frankenstein freak or anything like that. 83. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT(cont'd) I’m a scientist with a lot of money and a penchant for torture. Your deceased body will be embalmed with a formalin injection straight into your arteries. The doctors will cut your organs out of your carcass and immerse them in one of the many formalin fluids you see scattered all around you. After dissection, all of your bodily fluids and soluble fats will be extracted and replaced through a vacuum-forced impregnation system with reactive resins and elastomers. We will attach electrons to each extracted piece and pump approximately one kilowatt of power into them to keep your body parts stimulated. Then, if all goes well, after a few weeks of frozen captivity we will remove your body parts and try to reassemble you. I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s interesting. Well, it’s interesting to me to say the least. Steele is not phased.STEVE STEELE Screw you, professor. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Ha. Excellent retort coming from a moron. (to Milo) I trust you can oversee this little experiment of mine. I have business to attend to on the other side of the island. MILO Of course, sir. Professor Leftfoot exits the dungeon. CUT TO: Haywood has been sitting in one of the cells listening. Once the professor leaves the room, Haywood jumps up and runs over to the cell bars. HAYWOOD Milo! 84. Milo turns around. MILO (surprised) Haywood? Why did you guys leave your post? HAYWOOD (mile a minute) You should have seen me. I was like a super hero. I rode on a hang glider and swung from a zip line. I've never felt so alive. But dude, this guy we're working for is evil, but I mean like real evil. He's torturing innocent people--MILO Whoa, hold on. Slow down. What are you talking about? HAYWOOD Marigold took me to a secret laboratory where her people are being tortured. MILO Marigold? Marigold Leftfoot Marigold? HAYWOOD Yes. Just listen. She showed me horrible things. We're not working for who you think you're working for. We've been duped. We have to save these people. They got Z, they think he's one of them. Professor Leftfoot took Marigold. We have to help her. Milo is so confused. STEVE STEELE (O.S.) There’s even more than that going on here, Milo. Milo looks down at Steele on the table. MILO You shut up, John! STEVE STEELE My name's not John Deere.85. MILO You just shut up. Doctors, are you almost ready with that stuff. DOCTOR #1 Just a minute or two more. CUT TO: Steele starts to wiggle free of the clamps holding down his arms. STEVE STEELE You don't get it, man! Leftfoot's not just steeling art. That's the ruse, it's for kicks. This island is a bomb. Remember that metallic sound we heard in the jungle? When you ran away I climbed that rock formation. There’s a bomb in the center of it and if you don’t let me out of this cage the whole island is going to blow. HAYWOOD I think he’s right, Milo. Something bad his happening on this island. STEVE STEELE Damn it, you stupid lackey. Listen to your friend. Just then Steele BREAKS free of his restraints. The Doctors freak out and try to subdue him, but Steele uses his strength and knocks them both out with one swing of his mighty fist. Milo pulls out his gun. MILO Stop right there. HAYWOOD Milo, don’t shoot him. Steele pushes a table to the wall of the pit. He climbs on. STEVE STEELE I’m making my escape whether you help me or not. 86. Milo unloads his weapon, but of course misses every shot. Milo checks his gun, he has one bullet left. Steele jumps up and clings to the top of the pit wall. He lifts himself up and is about to escape when BANG! Milo SHOOTS Steele in the shoulder. Steele falls to the ground, bleeding. Milo looks surprised. He has never shot anyone before, especially not a hero. HAYWOOD You shot him. Steele props himself up. He takes off his prosthetic nose. He parts his blonde hair in the patented Steve Steele way. Now, all of a sudden, Milo recognizes him. STEVE STEELE (struggling) I have to save... everyone. I have to be the hero--Steele passes out, blood pouring from his shoulder. HAYWOOD You shot Steve Steele. MILO World saver? Milo is overwhelmed. Z's been captured, he just shot the world saver, Haywood's in jail and he now realizes he has to go against Professor Leftfoot's orders. MILO I've got to go against the three lackey rules. HAYWOOD Fuck the rules, Milo. Get me out of here or we’re all dead. MILO Fuck the rules? Haywood, what’s gotten into you, man? HAYWOOD You’re wasting time. We should be out there helping those poor people.87. MILO I have to think. Haywood looks impatiently at Milo. MILO Do you realize we’re about to give up everything we’ve worked so hard for? Everything we’ve wanted since high school is right here. I’m in the position I’ve always wanted. I’m the villain’s lackey. HAYWOOD Reality check, Milo. Our “boss” had a calvary on my ass, and he’s going to torture Z! MILO They’re gonna kick us out of the union. HAYWOOD Fuck the union. Milo struggles with this decision. Finally he knows just what he has to do. MILO You’re my best friend, Haywood. I believe you. Milo tosses the cell keys to Haywood. HAYWOOD You’re my best friend too. Milo and Haywood drag Steele out of the dungeon. They have no plan, no hope and Steele is bleeding. MILO We'll have to stop Professor Leftfoot ourselves! INT. SEALED CAVE -THAT MOMENT Z is trapped in a cell with other NATIVES. The Natives stare at Z. They come up to him, touch him, bow to him, kiss his feet. Z puts his hand up like a Native American. 88. Z How. The Natives bow to Z. They must think he is a reincarnation of some ancestor. The group of natives part like the red sea. An EXTREMELY ANCIENT NATIVE MAN appears holding a cane. The ancient native approaches Z and looks him up and down. He pokes, prods and sniffs him. The other natives watch attentively. The old man turns around and slowly gives the thumbs up. ANCIENT NATIVE Solid! GOSPEL MUSIC starts up. The natives erupt with cheers. They go nuts for Z, like they just met Jesus, clapping and hollering. One native woman cries and sings and fans herself. Another passes out altogether. The natives all drop to the ground and pray. Z likes the show, but his attention brings him to the top of the cave. He sees a DOOR, their only way out. He gets an idea. INT. JUNGLE -NIGHT Milo and Haywood drag Steele through the jungle, but he's too heavy for the two weaklings. MILO It's no use. This guy's all muscle. HAYWOOD (our of breath) Remind me to use the gym if we ever get--MILO When! HAYWOOD ...when we get home. I think I saw a coupon for Gold's on the counter before we left. MILO I think it was 24-hour Fitness.89. HAYWOOD Oh. You might be right. MILO Yeah, I signed up for some stupid online survey. They kept sending me junk mail. Milo looks around. He spots a WHEELBARROW. MILO Give me a hand. They load Steele into the wheelbarrow. It's a tight fit. HAYWOOD It's not junk mail if it gets us a free membership. MILO Touche. Plus, the chicks are hot at the gym. They push the wheelbarrow with an unconscious Steele inside it. HAYWOOD I told you already, I met someone. MILO Oh. You're right. You did. HAYWOOD You still don't believe me? MILO Marigold is hot. And married to an evil genius. HAYWOOD Tell me about it. MILO Just keep pushing. They push the wheelbarrow through the jungle. Haywood struggles to keep Steele's arms from flailing to the side. His body is too big for the wheelbarrow. They hit a bump and Steele falls out of the wheelbarrow and falls flat on his face. 90. Milo and Haywood struggle to place him back in, but Milo slips and he drops Steele who starts to slide down a decline. MILO Holy shit! HAYWOOD Catch him! Steele's body continues to slide down the hill. Milo and Haywood can't believe it. They chase after him. A PANTHER jumps out of the bush and chomps down on Steele and has every intention of dragging him off, but Milo takes out his gun and fires at the panther. Of course he misses every shot. But it does enough to scare the panther away. Milo and Haywood shake hands. MILO Good job. HAYWOOD Why thank you. Milo realizes he just used all of his bullets. MILO Of fuck, I'm out of ammo. HAYWOOD Dude, we're running out of time. MILO Shit, ok, help me get Steele back in the wheelbarrow. The two put Steele back in the wheelbarrow no worse for wear. INT. JUNGLE -SECRET DOOR -NIGHT Milo and Haywood drag a worn and torn Steele through the jungle. They come upon a SECRET DOOR built into a tree hidden behind several strands of long vines. HAYWOOD What do you plan on doing once we get to the other side of that door. 91. MILO What would Steele do? The two men stare at Steele who looks lifeless and pale. HAYWOOD Um, charge through and take out the leader. MILO Okay, okay. You're thinking that if you take out the head the body will die right? HAYWOOD Sure. MILO Okay. We need weapons. Milo and Haywood search the jungle ground for a weapon. HAYWOOD Here. I got it. Haywood finds the handle of a broken SWORD. The blade is missing but there's a slight wedge still left. MILO All right. Not bad. Milo yanks on a vine. He yanks again. MILO Some help. Haywood and Milo yank on the vine and it finally rips from the a tree. Milo uses the broken sword to cut the vine. Milo now has a whip. They both get excited. MILO Yes! Nice job, man. You ready. HAYWOOD As I'll ever be.92. INT. SEALED CAVE -THAT MOMENT Z has organized the largest human pyramid using the natives. One by one, they climb on to each other as Z takes control, judging how many he will need to reach the top. Z sneaks a peak at the large amount of topless native women in suggestive positions. He smiles. Z That's right, everyone. Keep climbing up, keep that balance now. There you go, Tuk Tuk. Z helps young TUK TUK on to the back of another native. There are no more natives left that are not part of the pyramid except Z. He begins to climb up the human pyramid. They can almost reach the latch at the top. Z gets the monkey on his shoulders. His fingers can barely reach the latch. Z Stretch everybody. Stretch. The natives stretch and morph their bodies and the monkey is able to open the latch. The latch is now open but no one moves, what do you do when you're part of a hundred person pyramid? You can't just start moving. Z All right. Um, first step is done. Give me a second, everyone. I'll get you out of here. INT. CAVE -THAT MOMENT Famous pieces of art: from paintings, sculptures, busts, photographs, to Marigold tied to the Statue of David are scattered throughout the cave. We focus on a prosthetic hand holding a DEVICE with a red button on it. Professor Leftfoot stands tall overlooking his masterpiece. Hundreds of lackeys are present holding weapons, scattered throughout the cave for effect.93. It is also revealed that Rory St. Clair, the producer of Steve Steele: World Saver, and the cameraman and beautiful intern have been kidnapped to film the destruction of the world's art and broadcast it to the world. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Point the camera at me, little man. A lackey points a gun at Rory St. Clair, who nods to the Cameraman to point the camera at Professor Leftfoot. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Are we live to the world? RORY ST. CLAIR We're live. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT And how fortuitous it was for me that this camera crew showed up on my little island and saved this great event from obscurity. As soon as it is over I will be posting the video on YouTube for the whole world to see over and over again. RORY ST. CLAIR Just a quick little, um, sir, if I may. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Go ahead. RORY ST. CLAIR Speak from the diaphragm, your eminence. The gut. Your voice will bellow. Professor Leftfoot rubs his belly. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT (to Rory) From here? RORY ST. CLAIR Yeah. Right there. Bellow. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT (to the cameraman, bellowing) Okay, back on me now. Professor Leftfoot holds the device up.94. The Cameraman focuses on it. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT This is the device that controls a one-mega ton bomb in the center of this island. If my calculations are correct, and I know they are, the explosion will trigger a chain of events that starts with the sinking of this ugly little island, killing all it’s stupid inhabitants and destroying all that the world considers beautiful. Then, and this is the best part, take the entire eastern seaboard from South Africa to New York and put it under water with the greatest TSUNAMI the world has ever seen. Hundreds of millions of people will die! He snaps his fingers.PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Just like that. Professor Leftfoot holds out a REMOTE DEVICE. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT When I am safely away, I will detonate and I will free this world of its so called beauty thus making the world just a little bit uglier. This is my video diary. CUT TO: Milo and Haywood appear at the entrance of the cave. MILO Stop right there, Professor Leftfoot. The Cameraman points his camera at Milo. All the Lackeys point their guns. Milo quickly realizes there is more to being a hero than just showing up. A group of lackeys restrain Milo and Haywood. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Milo, how very disappointed I am in you.95. MILO I'm more disappointed in you. The Cameraman catches their conversation. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT You were to be my right hand man. Were it not for you I would never have found this camera crew on my island. I would never have captured Steve Steele. Professor Leftfoot spits on the ground. The hundred lackeys in the cave also spit on the ground. Rory St. Clair looks disgusted at all the spitting. MILO I regret some of the decisions I've made and I'm sure I'm out of the union, but if there's one thing I could never stand about what you evil villain's do it's hurting the innocent. Milo sounds and looks like a real hero. MILO Do with me what you will, but I'm at peace in my heart. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT I guess I'll have you shot. Lackeys... at your will... Oaf approaches Milo with a gun in his hand. Suddenly, hundreds of Natives with Leftfoot Prosthetics led by Z and the Monkey enter the cave. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT What's this!? The Natives overwhelm the Lackeys. MILO That's all I can stand, and I can't stand no more! Milo PUNCHES Oaf in the face. He leaps up on to a rock and jumps on to the perch to face Professor Leftfoot.96. The Cameraman catches it all. Haywood and Z kick some Lackey ass. This time, Z has two Lackeys in a headlock. He butts their heads together. Gonzo the Monkey leaps on to Professor Leftfoot’s face. He drops the DEVICE controlling the bomb. CUT TO: Agile Haywood is a little too quick for a group of Lackeys. Z climbs up on to a rock and dives into another group of Lackeys, knocking them over like bowling pins. Milo rushes towards Professor Leftfoot. He spots the device and tries to grab it. Professor Leftfoot kicks Milo in the gut. MILO Argh! Professor Leftfoot pulls out a prosthetic arm with a SWORD at the end of it. He rips off his arm and sticks the prosthetic on. He lunges at Milo. Milo grabs a SWORD from the ground. Like a true hero and a true villain the two men finally duke it out. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT You move well. MILO I have my own feet. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Inappropriate. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOMS AROUND THE WORLD -THAT MOMENT We see several shots of PEOPLE at home watching “Steve Steele: World Saver.” Everyone is glued to their TV sets. This makes for excellent reality television. CUT BACK TO: 97. INT. CAVE -THAT MOMENT Professor Leftfoot fences Milo into a corner. Milo manages to escape. Professor Leftfoot detaches his leg at the knee. He shoots DARTS out of his stump. Milo jumps out of the way, but a dart hits him in the leg. He hops up and down on his good leg. MILO That burns. You asshole! PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT There is no other way of guarding oneself from flatterers. MILO (to Haywood) He shot me with a dart, from his stump. There is a loud rumbling. Everyone in the cave stops fighting. The ground starts to shake. HAYWOOD It’s an earthquake! Rock and debris fall from the cave roof hitting Lackeys and Natives. Everyone rushes out of the cave. Haywood runs over to Marigold and tries to untie her. He can’t undo the knot. Z rushes over to help his friend. Just as a giant rock crashes down on the Statue of David, Haywood and Z pull Marigold to safety. EXT. JUNGLE -CONTINUOUS Lackeys, Natives, the camera crew, Professor Leftfoot, Milo, Haywood, Z and Marigold all escape from the cave as it collapses in on itself. Everyone is frozen with fear as they all look at the tallest, most ominous looking mountain. Huge spurts of fire and lava burst from the top of the mountain. We see the glow of the lava oozing from its peak.98. Everyone stares dumbfounded as fire-ridden lava lands all around them. Nobody moves until a LACKEY is burned alive. Everyone starts to scatter. CUT TO: Milo spots Professor Leftfoot run into the jungle. He follows. Fire and lava fall in the jungle contrasting beautifully against the green jungle backdrop. Professor Leftfoot makes his way to a helicopter in a clearing. Milo tackles him to the ground. The two roll around in the bush. Milo yanks on Professor Leftfoot’s ear. It rips right off with no reaction. Milo pulls on Professor Leftfoot’s arm. It comes off too. No reaction. Milo stares strangely at Professor Leftfoot. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT What? Come on! You wanna a fight? Let’s finish this. Milo kicks Professor Leftfoot in the leg, which snaps in two. Professor Leftfoot falls. Milo stands over Professor Leftfoot. The cameraman runs over to the dismantling of Professor Leftfoot. We see the hero shot of Milo. Haywood and Z approach Milo. Professor Leftfoot still struggles to fight. Z walks up to him and kicks him in the face, knocking him out. Z Bitch! Milo takes the device controlling the bomb out of his prosthetic hand. Marigold runs up to Haywood and hugs him. 99. HAYWOOD (bragging) Milo, this is Marigold. Milo is impressed. Shocked, but impressed. MILO Hello again. Marigold kisses Milo on the cheek. MARIGOLD Thank you, Milo. What you did here today, what you all did, will never be forgotten on this island. Rory St. Clair walks over with the Cameraman and the Intern. RORY ST. CLAIR Not just this island. Milo, the whole world saw what you guys did today. You’re all heroes. Milo, Haywood and Z smile awkwardly. Nobody has ever called them heroes before. Haywood pulls Milo aside. HAYWOOD Dude, I’ve decided something. I’m staying on the island. MILO Where? Here? No way. Haywood points at Marigold. HAYWOOD Look at that girl? Milo and Haywood stare at the luscious Marigold. HAYWOOD Look at me. I’m a battle axe and a bridge away from being a troll. There’s no way I get anything that hot back home. Milo looks at Haywood. He gets it.100. MILO I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but you’re right, man. You should stay. CUT TO: Steele missed his opportunity to be the hero. He stammers out of the jungle and approaches Rory St. Clair. Steele is a little out of it because of all the blood he's lost. STEVE STEELE What happened? What'd I miss? Did I save the world? RORY ST. CLAIR No, but you just missed the best TV I've ever seen. (to Milo) Looks like the lackey here is the new world saver. STEVE STEELE What? No? We'll re-edit. We're not live, are we? This can't happen. RORY ST. CLAIR It’s already happened, man. STEVE STEELE But I'm the hero, I'm supposed to save the day. MILO Sorry, buddy. As Steele throws a tantrum we hear the screams of Gonzo the Monkey. A big glob of shit hits Steele in the face. He turns around and sees the Monkey laughing off to the side. CUT TO: The natives surround Professor Leftfoot. They begin to pull him apart, artificial piece by artificial piece. His head is still connected to his torso. Somehow he’s still alive. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Aw, come on now. Is this really necessary? I'm sure we can work something out. 101. It seems like every native has a piece of the Professor. Milo, Haywood and Z watch as the natives carry him off. Z Where are they taking him? EXT. VOLCANO -DAY Everyone stands at the top of the volcano. Each native holding a piece of the Professor edges next to the fiery pit. Professor Leftfoot looks worried. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT How about a Ferrari, you guys want a Ferrari? The natives begin to chant. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT A Rolex. Forty five year-old scotch. Come on, let me down! The natives are so festive that it's hard not to feel the joy. Milo feels a sense of accomplishment, something he's never felt before. MILO (to Rory) Should I feel bad for Professor Leftfoot? RORY A hero with emotion. You’re a natural, I love it. Z (to Milo) Makes you wonder how we could be so naive. HAYWOOD The times they are a changin'. MILO What are we going to do now? 102. The natives reach the top of the volcano. Fire bursts from the mouth and the natives begin to throw the pieces of Professor Leftfoot in to the fiery pit. We focus on Professor Leftfoot’s final words before he’s thrown into the fiery pit. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Society is crumbling all around you. There is no difference between good and evil. The evil surrounds us all. Humankind holds material possessions and beauty in too high a regard. It does not matter what we look on the outside, it’s what we feel on in the inside that counts. That’s all I was trying to show. I’m a leper, damn you. Pity me!!! They throw his head into the fiery pit. PROFESSOR LEFTFOOT Ahhh... I’ll avenge myself. Professor Leftfoot is dead. Gonzo holds the left foot of the Professor. He throws it a little too far and misses the fiery pit of the volcano. The foot rolls down a hill, but the natives do not notice. Milo puts his arm around Haywood as several UNITED STATES AIR FORCE PLANES circle overhead. MILO All I want to do is go home, sit on the couch and play video games. Being the villain's lackey sure isn't what it used to be. The natives of the island start to sing a song. As they sing, we cut to the left foot that the Monkey dropped; it has landed behind some shrubbery in the jungle. We stay with the limp dead limb. As the song ends, the big toe on the left foot twitches. EXT. SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD -DAY Insert: Los Angeles, California, Present. Nothing but blue skies, beautiful women and palm trees. 103. (MORE) INT. OLD JALOPY -MOVING Milo drives a beat up jalopy down the street. Z sits shotgun, looking at a newspaper. They listen to a Tom Petty song, both guys singing along. Milo turns a corner somewhere in Hollywood. He sets the car in park. Z Huh, how do you like that? MILO What's up? Z That security job at Microsoft is still available. MILO Yeah, enough evil corporations for me thank you very much. Z Is this it? MILO We’re here. Z and Milo stare at what we assume to be their destination. MILO You ready for this? Z I think I am. You? MILO No doubt in my mind. Besides, if we don't like it, we can always go save Haywood from married life. Z laughs at the thought of Haywood living on that island. They are interrupted by a loud OBNOXIOUS GUY walking down the street, talking on a cell phone. OBNOXIOUS GUY Trust me, Maxine, the actor will show. 104. OBNOXIOUS GUY(cont'd) You gotta guarantee me that the fucking EP provides the funds or the whole production is shut down! Z gives Milo a look. Z Please? For old time’s sake? Milo gives in. MILO Go ahead. Z Nice! Z immediately jumps out of the car. He chases after the Obnoxious Guy, grabs his shirt and flips him around. Z Old habits die hard. OBNOXIOUS GUY Huh? Z knocks the guy out! He rifles through his pockets, pulls out his wallet and takes the cash. Milo approaches. MILO Now that that’s out of the way are you ready? Z stuffs the cash in his pocket. He bows to Milo. Z After you. They walk towards a building. A sign above the entrance reads: HERO ACADEMY: WELCOME NEW RECRUITS. The End