Off Broadway

Off Broadway by Josh Levine & Robby Kushner Robbykushner@hotmail.com WGA Registered EXT. MAIN STREET - NIGHT It’s Saturday night in the small American town of Eufala, Kansas. We see an OLD THEATRE. The Marquee reads: “Waiting for the Death of Our Town” Written by, Produced by, Directed by & Starring: WALLY DELL Co-starring: Joy Dell and Rachel Dell The lights in the lobby of the theater blink on and off. A SMALL CROWD of people head for their seats. INT. STAGE - NIGHT Silence. The curtain opens to reveal Wally. He looks out at the seats, only scattered attendance. He looks disappointed. The small crowd cheers. A secret smile creeps across Wally's goofy face. He stands in front of a cheap-looking cardboard set of a FARM and a cardboard cut out of a COW next to a white picket FENCE. Wally holds a HOE and is dressed as a farmer, unintentionally gay-looking farmer with tight red bandana tied around his neck. His hair is curled. Dirt is perfectly streaked across his He overacts the following monologue: WALLY The crops! What of the crops?! My mouth is dry. There is not enough spittle in this man's mouth to keep an entire field of crop from dying. Wally drops to a knee and sticks a cardboard CORN STOCK in his mouth. He spits, it’s disgusting. WALLY Alas, it's been forty days and forty nights since the good lord has rained down on our town. The crops have withered and seared before our very eyes. Desolate, he walks to the cardboard cow. He pets it. WALLY Poor, Bessie. but as an overalls and a perfectly brow. 2. JOY DELL (38), a pretty Southern Belle, also dressed as a farmer, enters stage left. She’s got charisma, gravitas to go along with her good looks. JOY Hark, my loving husband. It is I. Wally stands. The two embrace. JOY (cont’d) Do not fret, dear husband of mine. I met the Indian, Tree Finger Running Bull, at Eagle's Point Bluff and he taught me the rain dance... the dance that will save the fields. The two dance an obviously well-practiced rain dance. Cardboard rain clouds appear behind the couple. We hear booming THUNDER and the LIGHTS on stage pop on and off like lightning. WALLY (looking up) The rains are coming! RACHEL DELL (17), their pretty model-thin daughter, also dressed as a farmer, enters stage left and joins. Joy Come, child. Help us. WALLY The rains are coming. CUT TO: Up in the rafters, an OLD MAN holds a HOSE. He’s panicking because the hose isn’t working. He yanks on it. CUT BACK TO: WALLY I said the rains are coming! (whispering) Cletus! The hose. CLETUS I’m trying. She’s plugged up. The old man yanks on the hose one last time. Water finally spurts out of the hose, knocking over the cardboard cow. 3. Wally, Joy and Rachel run to the part of the stage where water is pouring. They re-start their dance. Reminiscent of the film Flashdance we see a slow motion shot of Wally, drenched with water, dancing like Jennifer Beals in that famous scene. Wally runs off stage. He immediately reappears, dried off and in a different costume. He is also the narrator of the play. Wally (cont’d) And that is how the Dell family led by my great, great, great grandfather, braved the elements and befriended the restless natives during the 1870s to save the town of Eufala. The small audience erupts with cheers. Wally is alive with emotion. Roses are thrown. He picks them up and holds them tight. The family grabs hands and bows in unison. The curtains close. Wally stands with a peaceful look on his face, soaking the moment in. His family looks up at him, admiringly. EXT. DELL FARM - NIGHT The Dells have a modest farm in the country. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wrap party is in full swing. The PARTYGOERS are regular folk. Wally, however, wears a cream-colored suit with a pink shirt and yellow tie. MR. and MRS. SMITH shake Wally’s hand. The ever-hammy Wally eats it up. MRS. SMITH Old crows like me usually can’t sit for more than ten minutes without having to pee, but I loved your play so much I decided to call my bladder’s bluff. MR. SMITH I saw your play twelve times. Wally is grateful for the compliment. 4. WALLY Thank you. We worked hard. The REVEREND approaches Wally and shakes his hand. REVEREND Great God Almighty that was a heavenly play. It was as if Jesus himself had scribed it. WALLY I wouldn’t go that far, Reverend. He and I collaborated. Wally lives for these compliments. MAYOR JENSON, a fat man with a big white moustache smoking a cigar, approaches Wally. MAYOR JENSON Fine show, Wally. As per usual. WALLY Thank you, Mayor Jenson. What a lovely top hat you have on. MAYOR JENSON Good, good, good. You’re great for Eufala. Very proud. Just wish there were more like you around here. CUT TO: Joy is surrounded by a group of SOUTHERN LADIES. When she laughs they laugh, when she speaks, they listen. Rachel, dressed precisely like her mom, stands by her mom’s side talking to the ladies. LADY #1 Joy, can I ask you a question? JOY Of course, Betty. LADY #1 Do you pray in Church or just look at other people’s clothes? All the ladies lean in to find out. Beat. 5. JOY I pray, of course. The ladies nod in unison. “Of courses” all around. LADY #2 So what does it feel like to be a star? JOY Don’t be silly. I’m not a star. We love to do this as a family. Wally loves to act and write... and direct and... produce, it’s his dream. I’m happy supporting him. LADY #1 So, Rachel, how’s your young man doing? RACHEL (sweetly) Bobby? Oh, he’s darling. I’m teaching him to dance so we can attend the cotillion this fall at school. LADY #2 He can dance? RACHEL Bobby can do a lot of things. They all turn their heads to Bobby, a retarded boy wearing a helmet standing alone next to a fireplace. LADY #1 He’s so special. CUT TO: Wally shakes Mayor Jenson’s hand. As the mayor walks away, BERNIE (50), a tall man with an enormous Adam's apple, approaches. BERNIE Wally, great play. I’ve got some super news. WALLY Really? Oh, fantastic. We made enough to save the theatre? How much did we make? 6. BERNIE No. No, sorry. Attendance was way, way off. The theatre’s dead meat. No, the great news is someone made an offer on the theatre. Wally does not look happy. WALLY (glumly) Oh. Thanks, Bernie. Wally turns to leave. BERNIE (yelling) I’ll have the papers drafted by morning. Wally enters his house. INT. WALLY’S STUDY - NIGHT Wally, alone, rifles through his desk in his study. He finds a TIN BOX clearly marked “Idea Box.” He opens it and sifts through scraps of paper. He reads the following ideas: 1) Lonely man searches for arch rival in Roman bath house. 2) Sad clown rejected from Juilliard, forced to sell cosmetics. 3) Trans-gender Alien escapes Area 51 to search for meaning of life. Wally (defeated) These ideas suck. Wally finds an old PIECE OF PAPER folded into a tiny spec at the bottom of his idea box. He unfolds it. Wally smiles. FLASHBACK: 7. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT A 20-YEAR-OLD Wally and a 20-YEAR-OLD JOY have sex for the first time. Purple Rain by Prince is on the radio. WALLY (hot and heavy) I’m having sex... I can’t believe it... I’m doing it... sex... oh baby... yeah... this is so adult... oh, baby... purple rain... we’re doing it... this is maturity... Wally orgasms. He screams. Wally rolls off Joy, they pant. Joy and Wally lie in bed on their stomachs facing each other, each with their legs up in the air. Wally (cont’d) Didn’t that feel good on your genitals? Beat. Wally Where do you want to be in twenty years? JOY I want to be the best mom ever. (beat) What about you? WALLY (coolly) I want to have a show on Broadway. Wally jumps off the bed. JOY Really? Wow, you’re so creative. You’re the most creative guy in this whole town. I’ve never met anyone like you Wally Dell. Wally picks up one of Joy’s batons. He pretends to have a sword fight, swiveling his feet back and forth, lunging, ducking stabbing an invisible enemy. 8. WALLY I want to be a great performer. JOY How’d you learn to do that. WALLY It’s easy. You have to move your feet and I’m a great dancer, plus, I fenced a little in high school. Wally gets on his knees right in front of Joy. WALLY Hey. I have an idea. Let’s sign contracts with each other swearing that we’ll achieve our goals. JOY Contracts? That’s so cool. Okay. Wally and Joy get out two pieces of paper and start writing. END FLASHBACK: INT. WALLY’S STUDY - NIGHT Joy enters Wally’s study. Wally quickly stuffs the piece of paper in his pocket. JOY We want to make a toast. Come down soon, okay? WALLY Okay. INT. DELL LIVING ROOM - LATER The guests have left. Wally follows Joy around holding a trash bag as Joy dumps trash into it. WALLY I think I’ve lost my creativity. My forty-year-old juices have dried up. 9. JOY Stop. Your juices are fine. Forty’s the new thirty anyway. I think you’re overreacting. Joy drops a jell-o mold into the trash bag. WALLY Where am I supposed to get new ideas if I’m stuck in this rut? JOY This rut, as you call it, just happens to be our life. Everyone loved “Death of Our Town.” WALLY I went online and discovered a term I never heard before called ‘writer’s block.’ Writer’s block, Joy! It’s a block, for writers. Joy looks at Wally. JOY You’ve just come off a really great high. Let’s give it some time and see what happens. You’ll come up with something new, I promise. WALLY You’re probably right. JOY I love you, Wally. Joy takes the trash bag from Wally and sets it down. She puts her arms around his large frame. He bends down to kiss her. FADE TO BLACK: INT. THEATRE - MORNING Wally has a tool belt around his waist. He’s on his knees with a HAMMER dismantling the set. He looks depressed. Wally stands. He paces on stage, thinking. He pulls the contract out of his back pocket. WALLY Wait a minute. Why not do it? 10. He stares at the contract. Wally (cont’d) Wally. What? You’re going to do it. You’re going to lose your theatre anyway, this is a sign freeing you from the burden of Eufala. You’ve been in this town your whole life. Fulfill this contract and take your family to Broadway, darn it. You said in twenty years you wanted to be on Broadway. I did say that. Well, go then. Go out and make it. Steal it. Take it. Or die! It’s as if a huge weight has been lifted, Wally takes in a deep breath. Music from the Broadway show “Man of La Mancha” begins. Wally is not the best singer, but he tries as hard as he can. Wally (cont’d) To dream the impossible dream. To fight the unbeatable foe. To bear with unbearable sorrow. To run where the brave dare not go... Wally jumps off the stage and runs out of the theatre. EXT. MAIN STREET - CONTINUOUS PEOPLE go about their daily routines in the town. Wally throws the hammer high into the air and does a pirouette. WALLY (with vigor) This is my quest. To follow that star. No matter how hopeless. No matter how far... Wally dances through traffic. People stare like he’s crazy Wally pushes a KID off a bike and gets on it himself. Wally rides the bike through a park. He gets off the bike and jumps into a fountain. Wally (cont’d) To fight for the right. Without question or pause. To be willing to march into Hell. For a heavenly cause... 11. Wally exits the fountain all wet. He spots a BOY sitting on a bench. He ruffles the boy’s hair and sits down next to him. Magically, Wally is dry. Wally (cont’d) And the world will be better for this. That one man, scorned and covered with scars. Still strove with his last ounce of courage. To reach the unreachable star. The musical interlude ends. Wally runs down the street. He jumps up and thrusts his openpalmed hand into the air. The hammer he threw up earlier lands back in this hand. Perfect! Wally (cont’d) (yelling) I’m going to Broadway! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Joy and Rachel sit on a couch in the living room. Joy strokes the family cat, NOODLES. Rachel is upset. RACHEL What about Bobby? What about my friends. WALLY Honey, Bobby’s not even going to notice that you’re gone. JOY (snapping) Wally! WALLY Sorry. RACHEL How long do you plan on staying in New York? WALLY A few months. RACHEL A few months! 12. WALLY At least until school starts again in the fall. JOY You know, Wally, there’s a lot going on this summer. I’m running the county barbecue and Rachel starts work at The Gap over in Springfield County in a week. RACHEL It took me forever to find a job. Wally stomps on the ground in disgust. WALLY Family meeting. Everyone sit down. JOY We’re already sitting. Wally paces in front of them. WALLY Joy. I signed a contract with you twenty years ago. I know you know what I’m talking about. Joy nods. Wally (cont’d) Well, it’s time to collect. You’re the best mom in the world. But I never got to fulfill my end of it. It’s not fair. I want a shot. JOY You have a family, Wally. WALLY Duh! I’m taking you guys with me. JOY But, what about Eufala? What about-WALLY I can’t believe I have to convince you guys. I’m talking about New York for the summer! Rachel shakes her head. 13. RACHEL Don’t I get a vote? I say we stay here. WALLY Okay. I didn’t want to do this, but you’ve given me no choice. Rachel, do you remember that time you backed-up over the real Noodles and we had to replace him with this new Noodles and we never told your mom? Joy stares at Noodles. She looks horrified at Rachel who averts her eyes. JOY (sadly) Noodles? WALLY And we’re going to lose the theatre. JOY What? WALLY I didn’t want to have to tell you, but you had to have noticed that attendance is way down. JOY Oh, no, Wally, I’m so sorry. WALLY If I can just make it on Broadway I can make enough money to buy the lease on the theatre forever. Wally’s pumped up about his idea. WALLY But most of all you should do this for me because I’m your father, and your husband and this is my dream. And I got this number off the Internet. This is an agent in New York City. His name is William Morris. This number is my golden ticket. I’m like Charlie. (MORE) 14. WALLY(cont'd) And this agent...William Morris, he’s like my own private Willy Wonka and he’s gonna make my chocolatey dreams come true. His family smiles, starting to turn around. Wally (cont’d) And finally because we’re the Dells. And the Dells aim high. Come on, family. I’ve been there for you. Will you do this for me? Joy and Rachel gauge each other. JOY How do you even know this agent will talk to you? WALLY If I know anything about agents it’s that they’re helpful and honest and once they find talent they’ll work hard for you no matter where you scale on the totem pole of life. Let’s call him first thing in the morning and we’ll leave the decision up to Mr. Morris. JOY I guess that sounds fair, doesn’t it Rachel? There is a pause while Rachel stares at her dad. She smiles at him. RACHEL Okay fine. We’ll do it for you. INT. WILLIAM MORRIS AGENCY, NEW YORK - DAY We see the bustling office of the WILLIAM MORRIS AGENCY in New York. LOU GLUTZ (45), a bald agent dressed as an urban cowboy, shows off his BUSINESS CARDS to two JUNIOR AGENTS. LOU GLUTZ Check that out. They call it white tympantium. Bet you never saw anything as sweet as that. 15. JUNIOR AGENT #1 (brown nosing) Wow. That sounds exotic. LOU GLUTZ It’s Albanian. (to Agent #2) What about you? You like it? JUNIOR AGENT #2 (fearful) Yes. I do. It’s amazing. LOU GLUTZ Ha! You two are idiots. I made that up. There’s no such thing as white tympantium. It’s off white, you jack-offs! Lou Glutz moves and talks a mile a minute. He stands up and stares out the window. LOU GLUTZ (cont’d) I'll bet you a dollar I can fire my assistant right now. AGENT #1 No way. AGENT #2 I bet you don’t. Lou Glutz presses a button on an intercom. LOU GLUTZ Honey, be a lamb and get your sweet tush in here? ASSISTANT (O.S.) Coming. A female OFFICE ASSISTANT enters. The junior agents snicker. ASSISTANT (cont’d) What can I get for you? LOU GLUTZ You’re fired! (to the other Agents) Just like The Donald. 16. ASSISTANT (upset) I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong? Why? LOU GLUTZ (honestly) Because I can. It’s liberating. The junior agents are frightened at his power and arrogance. The assistant leaves, crying LOU GLUTZ (cont’d) Tympantium. You guys crack me up. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Wally stares at a phone. He dials. RECEPTIONIST (ON PHONE) William Morris. Wally is nervous. WALLY Mr. Morris, please. My name is Wally Dell. RECEPTIONIST (ON PHONE) Uh, Mr. Morris is unavailable, sir. I’ll patch you through to Mr. Glutz, his associate. Hold please. INT. LOU GLUTZ’S OFFICE - DAY Lou’s phone starts to ring and ring. But because Lou just fired his assistant, he's forced to answer the phone himself. LOU GLUTZ What!? WALLY (nervous) Hello. My name is Wally Dell. First off, let me tell you a little about myself. I started acting at the Liberty County summerstock of ‘69 and graduated from Arnie Salsberg’s acting seminary where I mastered the art of method and improv-- 17. LOU GLUTZ (ON PHONE) What the hell is this? WALLY Mr. Glutz I’m bringing my family to New York. You gotta help me get my show on Broadway. LOU GLUTZ (ON PHONE) Is this a joke? Lou is amused. He puts Wally on speaker phone so the junior agents can hear. LOU GLUTZ (cont’d) (to the agents) You can’t fake naivete like this. This guy’s golden. (to Wally) You were saying, sir... WALLY (ON PHONE) I have the talent, the ambition. I want it so bad. Put my show on Broadway, Mr. Glutz. I’m talent personified! What do you think? Lou Glutz and the junior agents muffle their laughter. LOU GLUTZ Sounds like a plan. Wally nods to his awaiting family. WALLY Oh, my god! Lou Glutz whispers to the junior agents. LOU GLUTZ I’m such an ass. (to Wally) What color would you like your name to be on the billboard? Wally isn’t sure. He puts Lou on hold. WALLY (to his family) Guys, he wants to know what color my name should be on the billboard? 18. RACHEL Red! JOY Blue! WALLY (into the phone) Red. Wait. Make it blue! It highlights my complexion. The junior agents give each other high-fives and laugh. LOU GLUTZ Well, Wally. We’ll sign you up to have your own Broadway show. WALLY Thank you, Lou Glutz. You angel. Wally can't believe it. He hangs up the phone. Wally (cont’d) (to his family) Jumpin’ tree frogs, I can’t believe it! CUT TO: LOU GLUTZ What a shmuck. Where’s the coke? Let’s go for sushi. The junior agents follow Lou out of the office like puppies. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Like a rocket blasting off, Wally jumps into the air with glee and clicks his heels together. WALLY Yipee!!! We’re going to New York! FADE TO BLACK: EXT. NEW YORK - MORNING Series of establishing shots of New York City. A cab pulls up to Central Park. Wally gets out and runs off into the park like a kid at a candy store. 19. EXT. CENTRAL PARK - MOMENTS LATER Wally comes across a SHAKESPEARE-IN-THE-PARK-TROUPE. Rachel and Joy appear holding all the luggage. JAMES LIPTON, from Inside the Actor's Studio, leads the troupe in its performance of “As You Like It” by Shakespeare. JAMES LIPTON Act two, scene seven. I am the character Jaques. ‘All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...’ Wally, giddy at the spontaneous creativity, approaches. WALLY Wow! James Lipton! James Lipton, annoyed, shushes Wally. Wally (cont’d) This town is oozing with theater. I can’t wait to see more. Wally is distracted by the next interesting sight. He spots a BIKE RENTAL HUT across the park. Wally checks his watch. Wally (cont’d) Hey, it’s early. Why don’t we do some sight seeing before we head over to Mr. Glutz? Joy and Rachel nod in agreement. Wally (cont’d) I’ll be right back. INT. CENTRAL PARK - MOMENTS LATER The Dells ride a THREE-PERSON BIKE with their luggage strapped to a dinghy in tow. WALLY Hey, guys, I feel an urge coming on. You pedal for a few minutes. Ideas are rushing to my head. I gotta write them down. Wally pulls out a pad of paper and pen. He writes. 20. Not caring or perhaps not realizing how odd they look, the Dells ride down the boulevards and past the best attractions of New York. Busses HONK, cabs swerve, PEOPLE yell. EXT. CENTRAL PARK - LATER The Dells eat hot dogs from a cart in front of the William Morris Agency building. They’re dressed in their Sunday finest, very out of place, even in New York. Wally holds a large TOTE BAG. Wally (to the vendor) One more dog please. VENDOR One more dirty water dog comin’ up. Wally swallows down the dog. He pats down his curly hair. WALLY William Morris, here I come. The family is excited. They enter the William Morris Agency. INT. LOU GLUTZ’S OFFICE - DAY Lou Glutz opens a window in his office. City sounds fill the room. He takes out BIRD FEED from his desk and places some on the ledge of the window. A few PIGEONS land on the sill and start to eat. LOU GLUTZ Nice birdies. There you go. Eat it all up. Chirp, chirp. Lou Glutz reaches for his TENNIS RACKET from behind his desk. He creeps up on the birds and swings at full strength. We hear a screeching CHIRP. LOU GLUTZ (cont’d) Gotcha! Stupid birds. Ah crap, there’s blood on my racket. We see ruffled feathers stuck to the racket. 21. INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY A WOMAN from human resources at William Morris enters the reception area, followed by BRENT (23), who tries to keep up. Brent is handsome and friendly and not yet jaded. He’s got a messenger bag wrapped around his torso. HUMAN RESOURCES WOMAN (curt) This is your desk. That’s Mr. Glutz’s office. There’s the window if you can’t handle it. Good luck. BRENT Thank-She exits the room, abruptly. Before Brent even sits down, the elevator doors open to reveal Wally, Joy and Rachel. Wally holds his tote bag. He approaches Brent. Joy and Rachel wait by the elevator timidly. WALLY Mr. Glutz. I’m super excited to meet you. I’m Wally Dell. That’s my family. Wally points to his family. Wally (cont’d) That’s Rachel and my Joy, wife. Uh, wife Joy. I’m a bit nervous. BRENT No, no, no I’m not... my name is Brent. It’s my first day. I’m Mr. Glutz’s assistant. WALLY Oh. Rachel smiles at Brent, he smiles back, she looks away, embarrassed. BRENT Um, let me ask Mr. Glutz, if-Brent walks towards Lou Glutz’s office. 22. Wally rushes past him and opens Lou’s door. He enters. BRENT (cont’d) But-INT. LOU GLUTZ’S OFFICE - THAT MOMENT Lou Glutz plucks feathers from the tennis racket. Wally enters his office. Lou Glutz has a confused look on his face. LOU GLUTZ What’s this? WALLY (nervous) Mr. Glutz. I’m Wally Dell...um, we spoke on the phone a few days ago. As my representation... or agent, whichever you prefer, I feel it best if I show you my work before I sign with you. Um, you know, to prove myself to you. I wouldn’t want you adding me, registering me, or whatever, willy-nilly style. Wally sets his tote bag down on Lou’s desk. He opens it and pulls out several PHOTOGRAPHS of Wally at different stages of his life. He spills them across Lou’s desk. Wally (cont’d) Just, just, just some photos. They’re not much. Um... Not knowing what else to do, Lou peruses the photos, sees Wally in a few ridiculous costumes acting and modeling. Wally (cont’d) These aren’t that good, these are pretty old, in fact-LOU GLUTZ Did Bill put you up to this? Wally grabs a photo away from Lou before he looks at it. Wally (cont’d) Ignore this one! I was feeling awkward that day. 23. Wally reaches back in to the bag. He pulls out a CRYSTAL ORB. He points to an engraving. Wally (cont’d) Best Actor. Mr. Wilf’s drama class. Hamilton Junior High. Very proud of that, by the way. Lou sets the tennis racket down. He’s absolutely confused. He slowly sits in his chair. Wally (cont’d) So, Mr. Glutz, I’m a writer, an actor, and a director. I’m an all around thespian. I’m my own one man show. There isn’t anything I won’t do to fulfill my dream. Where do I sign to be on Broadway? Lou Glutz remains calm. He stands up and walks to the door. LOU GLUTZ (friendly) Would you, would you excuse me for just one second? WALLY (smiling) Of course. Lou exits his office. INT. RECEPTION AREA - THAT MOMENT Wally's family waves to Lou. Lou stares angrily at Brent. BRENT Mr. Glutz! LOU GLUTZ Are you my new assistant? BRENT Yes, sir. I’m Brent. Brent extends his hand. Lou picks up a stapler. LOU GLUTZ (angry, yelling) Let me lay down some ground rules for you, Brent. (MORE) 24. LOU GLUTZ(cont'd) Never let anyone into my office unless I tell you to let them in my office! BRENT But-LOU GLUTZ Never speak until spoken to. Get that yokel idiot the fuck out of my office. Now! Lou throws the stapler at the wall. Joy and Rachel jump with fright. Brent is frozen. LOU GLUTZ (cont’d) Now! Go! Now! BRENT (scared) Yes, sir. Brent jumps up and runs into Lou’s office. Lou pushes the button for the elevator. LOU GLUTZ I want them all gone when I get back. I’m going to go get a blowjob from Bill’s new secretary. It’s the only thing that’ll calm me at this point. She’s got an amazing mouth. Wally appears at the door. His family looks worried. LOU GLUTZ (cont’d) (sweetly to Brent) Oh, and welcome to William Morris. Lou Glutz enters the elevator. The doors close. Wally looks at Brent. WALLY What does this mean? 25. BRENT (hesitantly) Um, Mr. Glutz is busy at the moment but he’d like me to let you know that he really liked your material but feels that you might not be the best fit for us at this moment in time. But you’re really great. WALLY (sadly) But he asked me to come. I came all the way from Kansas to be here. I’m supposed to be on Broadway. Joy approaches Wally and puts her hand on his shoulder. Wally (cont’d) No, this isn’t right. Joy leads Wally to the elevator. Brent follows Rachel. BRENT I’m really sorry, Mr. Dell. Brent and Rachel make eye contact again. BRENT (cont’d) (to Rachel) Sorry. RACHEL It’s okay. He’ll be fine. BRENT If there’s anything I can do. Brent gives Rachel his business card. RACHEL (nervous) Thanks. Rachel takes the card. She smiles at Brent. The Dells get in the elevator. The doors close. INT. STAGE DELI - DAY The Dells sit at a table at STAGE DELI. Wally bawls his eyes out. He orders food from a WAITRESS. 26. WALLY (crying) I’ll have a knish-(he pronounces it nish) --and some, what’s this soup, matzo ball? WAITRESS What? Can you stop crying, sir? WALLY Matzo ball. WAITRESS (to Joy) He wants matzo ball? JOY Yes. And I’ll have the kreplach and apple sauce. WAITRESS Anything else? JOY Rachel? RACHEL I’ll have a bowl of fruit please with no melon, no strawberry, no kiwi and no grapes. The waitress is confused. WAITRESS What do you want? RACHEL Oranges, please. Wally wipes his eyes on his sleeve. JOY You know, Wally, sometimes life throws curve balls. I’ve never known you to react like this. Rachel goes over to her dad and gives him a big hug. WALLY Daddy’s little girl. I’m sorry for crying in front of you guys. 27. RACHEL It’s going to be okay, dad. I have faith in you. WALLY When a man’s got his gorgeous daughter and his beautiful wife what else does he need, right? I guess we should probably head back to the airport. JOY I have a better idea. WALLY What? JOY Let’s hit the pavement tomorrow and see if we can’t go about this another way. Let’s not let Lou Glutz get us down. RACHEL Yeah. Baby steps, dad. Wally smiles at Rachel. JOY You came here to follow your dreams. Are you gonna let that crummy agent stop you? RACHEL Dad, you’re acting like a total geek. The show must go on, right? WALLY (motivated) You guys are the best. Family hug. Wally hugs his family. WALLY Twist my arm. We’ll give it a shot. INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - NIGHT The Dells enter an old, medieval-themed hotel called THE WINDMILL ARMS. There are SWORDS, CROSSBOWS, KNIGHTS IN ARMOR and other medieval decorations scattered around the lobby. 28. RACHEL Wow. Dad, this is great. WALLY It got two stars in the Lonely Planet. Come on, let’s check in. Wally approaches the front desk. He rings the BELL. A tall, lanky, SPANIARD with a long mustache and a gray bouffant appears from behind curtains. He stands erect. THE SPANIARD (thick accent) Modesty becomes the fair, and moreover laughter that has little cause is great silliness. WALLY (in awe) Cool. THE SPANIARD Welcome to The Windmill Arms Hotel. Wally smiles. The Spaniard takes Joy’s hand and kisses it. THE SPANIARD (cont’d) Hunger is the best sauce in the world. Joy is flattered. WALLY You’re great. Say some more. THE SPANIARD This, however, I say not to pain or anger you, sir, for my desire is none other than to serve you. WALLY We’d like to check in. THE SPANIARD Do you have a reservation? WALLY Yes. Last name is Dell. 29. The Spaniard checks the computer, not quite sure how to work it, he seems a little antiquated. He presses a button. THE SPANIARD Ah! Yes. I will put you in the writer’s suite. WALLY The writer’s suite! Wally turns to Joy. Wally (cont’d) Honey, did you hear that? The writer’s suite. (to the Spaniard) I’m a writer. THE SPANIARD Ahhh, diligence is the mother of good fortune, and idleness, its opposite, never led to good intention’s goal. WALLY Ha. I love you. He hands Wally keys. INT. HOTEL ELEVATOR - LATER Rachel and Joy enter an elevator. Wally spends the next minute trying to get his whole family and the a luggage cart in the elevator. JOY Wally, come on, make two trips. WALLY Nope, nope, I got it, here we go. Wally shoves it in. He enters after it. INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS Cheesy music plays. Wally is pinned to a wall, Rachel and Joy are smushed together. WALLY Wow, this is really not that comfy. 30. INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - LATER They stop at a room. Rachel opens the door. JOY Good night, sweetie. WALLY See you in the morning. RACHEL Love you guys. She enters. Wally and Joy enter the next room. INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS Wally, excited about the hotel room, checks it out. WALLY Let’s see what kind of view we got. He goes to the window, opens the blinds to find the apartment building next door literally five inches away. A GUY in a bathrobe with BINOCULARS stares into their room. WALLY (freaked out) Oh. Sorry. Wally closes the window. INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - THAT MOMENT Rachel flips through People Magazine. She averts her attention to Brent’s card, hanging out of her purse. She picks it up. She takes out her cell phone and dials. INT. LOU GLUTZ’S OFFICE - THAT MOMENT The William Morris office is empty. Brent sits at his desk organizing colored paper clips. His cell phone rings. BRENT Hello? RACHEL (ON PHONE) Hi. Brent? This is Rachel Dell, I met you today at-- 31. BRENT Hi, how are you? How’s your dad? RACHEL (ON PHONE) He’s okay. I’m okay. BRENT Great. Beat. BRENT How can I help you? RACHEL (ON PHONE) Well, I kind of don’t really know why I called... BRENT Hey listen, you want to meet me or something? Rachel is pacing the room, nervous. RACHEL (excited) Definitely. But I shouldn’t, my parents are-BRENT (ON PHONE) Oh. Okay, well, maybe tomorrow-RACHEL No. Okay. Let’s meet. BRENT (ON PHONE) Jungle Bar in an hour? You think you can find it? RACHEL Yes. BRENT (ON PHONE) Excellent. I promise I’ll be a perfect gentleman. RACHEL I know you will. BRENT (ON PHONE) Oh yeah, how do you know that? 32. RACHEL (laughs) I know where you work. I’ll have my dad come kick your butt. BRENT (ON PHONE) Your dad is a pretty big dude. Okay, Jungle Bar. One hour. INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - THAT MOMENT Joy, in sexy pajamas, exits the bathroom. Wally does push-ups in a bathrobe. WALLY Trying to stay fit. JOY That’s my tiger. Wally jumps on to the bed. He bounces, gains his balance. WALLY I love the way terry cloth feels on my naked body. Speaking of naked bodies, come over here my hot wife. Joy accommodates. She jumps on top of Wally. They make-out. Joy stops kissing and looks at Wally. JOY You think Rachel’s okay? WALLY She’s fine. She’s right next door. Wally flips the light off. EXT. JUNGLE BAR - NIGHT Rachel is in a line filled with trendy NEW YORKERS. Brent approaches. BRENT Hey. RACHEL Hey. 33. BRENT (trying not to ogle) You look amazing, different. RACHEL You too. BRENT (cont’d) So, come on, I know the bouncer, he’ll let us in. They enter the LOUD club. INT. JUNGLE BAR - LATER Rachel and Brent sit at a table, drinks in front of them. Brent takes out his cell phone. BRENT (yelling) Mind if I snap a picture of you? RACHEL (yelling) Go ahead. Rachel poses. Brent takes the picture. He stares at it, BRENT You’re hot. I can’t get over it. Brent shows her the picture. RACHEL There are so many beautiful people in New York, it’s not like back home. BRENT What’s Kansas like? RACHEL (shrugging) Nothing. BRENT New York’s a really hard place. I really admire your dad. This is a very hard industry. He’s got guts. 34. RACHEL You should have seen him. His poor little heart was broken in two. I feel bad for him. This is his dream, you know. BRENT Tell me about it. It seems like it’s everyone’s dream. Not everyone goes after it though. RACHEL You’re really ambitious. BRENT You have to be. What about you? What do you want to do? RACHEL I don’t know yet, I kind of want to be a model, but my dad wants me to go into theatre. I’m just so super excited to be in New York. Rachel takes a sip from her drink. Brent smiles, downs his beer. BRENT Hey, you want another? RACHEL Sure. BRENT One more Shirley Temple coming up. Rachel smiles at Brent. He walks to the bar. MILAN SHERATON, the ultra famous and sexy Sheraton Hotel heiress brushes past Rachel. She’s got a MARTINI in one hand and a LAP DOG in the other. Two sexy FEMALE FRIENDS are with her. They are all surrounded by a mob of greasy CLUB GUYS. MILAN SHERATON I’m constipated! (yelling to her friend) You have any dried fruit? 35. FRIEND #1 (yelling) No. But I have one last cigarette. FRIEND #2 (yelling) I am so more constipated than you are. I’m taking that cigarette. Rachel can’t believe she’s witnessing this. FRIEND #1 No you’re not, it’s mine. FRIEND #2 Yes, I am. MILAN SHERATON I am the most constipated and I want that cigarette. The three push and pull over the cigarette. Sexy Friend #1 sneaks off and reaches into her pocket and pulls out a handful of RAISINS. She stuffs them into her mouth. FRIEND #1 She’s eating! MILAN SHERATON Ugh! You make me sick. Rachel notices the lap dog eat an OLIVE out of Milan’s martini glass. The dog starts to choke. Milan doesn’t notice. RACHEL (yelling to Milan) Your dog! MILAN Huh? RACHEL Your dog is choking. Rachel stands up and grabs Milan’s dog. She performs the Heimlich Manoeuver on it. The olive pops out of the dogs mouth. The dog licks Rachel’s face. Rachel hands the dog back to Milan, who’s amazed. Milan looks at her sexy friends and says: 36. MILAN You’re both fired as my friends. Milan turns around and stares at Rachel. Milan Sheraton (cont’d) You’re pretty. Oh, my God, you’re totally adopted. You’re my new best friend. RACHEL Cool. FADE TO BLACK: INT. CHINA TOWN RESTAURANT - MORNING The Dells eat dim sum in a crowded, noisy Chinese Restaurant. A CHINESE WOMAN rolls a cart full of dumplings over to their table. She sets a plate down. Wally bows to her. WALLY I love your food. Thank you. The Chinese woman bows and rolls her cart away. RACHEL So, dad, I think you should talk to Brent. WALLY Who’s Brent? RACHEL You know, that cute guy who was so nice at the office we’re not allowed to talk about. WALLY Oh, that Brent. He’s cute. RACHEL Dad. Be serious. I’m trying to help. WALLY Sorry. 37. JOY When did you talk to him? RACHEL (lying) I called him last night. He knows so much about this stuff. You should give him a call. Wally perks up. WALLY You think so? Rachel hands Wally Brent’s card. Wally takes it. Wally This is priceless! An inside link. Good job, little girl. Rachel smiles. WALLY (CONT’D) So Brent’s a wise guy huh? I’m gonna call him now. Gimme your phone. RACHEL Dad, no. Not here. WALLY Come on, gimme your phone. Rachel reluctantly hands Wally her cell. Wally dials. INT. LOU GLUTZ’S OFFICE - THAT MOMENT Brent sits on the floor surrounded by a plethora of Lou Glutz’s shoes. He shines them, it looks like he’s been there a while. BRENT Rachel? WALLY (ON PHONE) It’s Rachel’s dad. 38. BRENT Oh, Mr. Dell. Hi. CUT TO: WALLY My daughter tells me you know a lot of showbiz stuff. BRENT (ON PHONE) I know a thing or two. WALLY I need to find some actors. What should I do? Beat. BRENT (ON PHONE) Um, I guess you can hold an open casting call. Get a bunch of flyers made, tell people when and where and all that. There are a million actors, you’ll get tons of people. WALLY Incredible. I love New York. Everything’s so easy. BRENT (ON PHONE) Just be persistent, Mr. Dell. WALLY I’m gonna do it. Hey, you’re all right, Brent. BRENT (ON PHONE) Any time, Mr. Dell. WALLY Call me Wally. Wally hangs up. He claps his hands together. WALLY Family. I’ve got a plan. EXT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - DAY Wally, Joy and Rachel hand out cheap, hand-written flyers on Windmill Arms stationary that read: OPEN AUDITION - WINDMILL ARMS - Noon to 5 pm - ROOM 31 - POSITIVE VIBES ONLY!!! 39. WALLY Get your flyers. Open casting calls. All you actors. Come on, get your flyers. PEDESTRIANS grab the flyers. Joy gives away her last flyer. JOY I’m out of flyers. WALLY Yes! INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - LATER Wally tidies up the room. He opens the windows. He sets a chair opposite a couch. He takes donuts out of a box and sets them on a plate on a table, rearranging them a few times. The room is ready. He looks at the clock. It’s 11:59. The following is a montage: Wally sits in bed. He jumps up and runs to the door. He opens the door. No one is there. It’s 1:09. Wally moves the chair to the door. He sits facing the door like a puppy waiting for its master to come back. It’s 2:33. Wally does push-ups, switches to jumping jacks, then runs in place really fast and checks his heart rate. It’s 3:49. Wally watches a Russian soap opera on television. He’s tearing. It’s 4:58. Wally is asleep on the bed. It’s 6:09. EXT. SOHO - EVENING Joy and Rachel window shop in SoHo (Lower Manhattan). They walk right up to a HUGE SPREAD OF FOOD on a long table. They look around, confused. JOY (cont’d) What is this? RACHEL New York is awesome. Free food. 40. Joy and Rachel eat. Joy bites into a strawberry. JOY This fruit is amazing. CUT TO: An angry IRISH NEW YORK COP spots Joy and Rachel eating. IRISH COP (Irish accent) Hey! You can’t eat that. A bell RINGS. DIRECTOR (O.S.) Cut! What the hell is going on? Joy and Rachel realize they have interrupted a film in production. They’re on a movie set and an angry security guard walks towards them. IRISH COP You can’t be here, ladies. JOY Oh, my god. We’re so sorry. RACHEL Hey, what movie is this? IRISH COP It’s an Umberto Pekerino adaptation of Old Man and the Sea except they replaced the sea with the city and it’s all in Spanish. Joy looks up. Walking towards her is the handsome, mustachioed actor, STEVE STEELE and the famous Italian director, UMBERTO PEKERINO. JOY (in awe) It’s Steve Steele. IRISH COP Stop busting my balls, lady, you gotta go. CUT TO: 41. UMBERTO PEKERINO (to Steve Steele) We have to get rid of that extra. She’s too exotic. I need someone... wholesome. Steve Steele spots Joy. Joy stares in awe at Steve Steele who shoots her a smile with those damn adorable dimples. STEVE STEELE (referring to Joy) What about her? Umberto looks Joy over. UMBERTO PEKERINO She’s perfect. Wholesome and luscious. I love it. Steve walks up to Joy who is absolutely enamored. STEVE STEELE Hi. I’m Steve Steele. You want to be in my movie? JOY Uh-huh. RACHEL Mom! JOY It’s okay, dear. I’m going with Steve Steele now. Steve leads Joy on the set. Joy is surrounded by a MAKE-UP ARTIST who paints her face and a COSTUME ARTIST who puts a jacket on her. UMBERTO PEKERINO (to Joy) We’ve replaced the fishing pole with a woman, that’s you. The fish is a Columbian drug lord named Santiago taking over Manhattan. Joy stares into dreamy Steve Steele’s eyes. JOY (swooning) Got it. 42. The lights come on. The camera rolls. UMBERTO PEKERINO Quiet. And action! Steve Steele grabs Joy’s shoulders. He looks deep into her eyes. She looks back. STEVE STEELE (in Spanish) Santiago must die! But first, I must fish. Fish for your love. Steve and Joy open mouth kiss. Rachel gasps. INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - EVENING Wally is still asleep on the bed. There’s a knock at the door. Excited, he jumps up and runs to open the door. He is disappointed to find a PUERTO RICAN HOUSEKEEPER holding folded towels. He suddenly gets an idea. CUT TO: Wally stands opposite the housekeeper as she reads. HOUSEKEEPER (Puerto Rican accent) Tree Finger, I implore you to consider that there will be plenty of time for the white man and the red man to live in harmony. Wally grabs the script and throws it on the ground. WALLY It's all wrong. This won’t work. HOUSEKEEPER Ay, papi. I go now. WALLY I need some air. Wally leaves the hotel room. The housekeeper looks confused. 43. EXT. NEW YORK STREET - SUNSET Wally walks down Broadway staring enviously at the billboards of the current shows. He walks past a sign next to a kiosk that reads: "Broadway Information." Wally gets excited. A FAT MAN in the small kiosk greets him. MAN IN KIOSK Hi there, partner. WALLY Excuse me, sir, I’d like to get some information on how I can get my play on Broadway? TOUR GUIDE You mean you? You want to know about how you can get your play on Broadway? The man starts to laugh. Wally is nervous. TOUR GUIDE Good Luck, Buddy. You have about as much chance as getting that old couple next to you to have a threesome. Wally looks over at an OLD COUPLE walking by. They start to laugh at Wally. The fat man laughs at Wally. EVERYONE in Times Square laughs at Wally. Wally runs from the laughter echoing all around him. EXT. SOHO - NIGHT The FILM CREW dismantles the set. Joy stands in the same spot, mesmerized. Rachel stands next to her. RACHEL Mom. Hello, is anybody in there? Joy snaps out of it. 44. JOY What? Oh. Hi. RACHEL Are you okay? JOY Honey, what just happened? RACHEL You made out with Steve Steele. And I think you were just in a movie. Steve Steele approaches. STEVE STEELE Hey there. JOY Uh. STEVE STEELE That was great. You an actress? JOY (humble) I do a little bit back home. STEVE STEELE Back home? Where’s that? JOY Kansas. STEVE STEELE Give me your number. I want to call you. Purely professional, of course. You married? Steve smiles. JOY Yes. STEVE STEELE Great, I got a girlfriend. I’d love to talk over dinner, maybe I can get you another role, you interested? RACHEL She’s interested. 45. JOY I am? RACHEL Yes. JOY I guess I am. STEVE STEELE Great. Joy beams. Steve has a pen. He searches his pockets. Steve Steele (cont’d) I’ve got nothing to write on. Do you have a card or a-Without hesitation, Joy rips her sleeve off and hands it to Steve to write on. Steve Steele smiles. EXT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - NIGHT Wally, Joy and Rachel arrive at The Windmill Arms at the same time. Rachel is ready to burst. RACHEL Dad! You’ll never guess what happened. Joy looks at Wally who doesn’t look happy. WALLY What’s that, honey? RACHEL I met Milan Sheraton. I’m hanging out with her tonight, in fact, I gotta go. WALLY Really? RACHEL Can I have money for a cab, oh and a cab back. Oh and some money in case I need to eat or something. 46. Wally reluctantly hands her cash. RACHEL (cont’d) Thanks, dad. Rachel kisses Wally on the cheek. RACHEL (cont’d) Bye, dad. I love you. Hey, mom, tell dad what happened to you today. Rachel hops in a cab. Joy gauges Wally. She’s reluctant to say anything. WALLY What happened? JOY Oh, it was nothing. I guess, I was kind of in a movie today. WALLY What!? JOY Yeah, it was just this, thing. Wally can’t believe it. JOY It was nothing. WALLY It doesn’t sound like nothing. JOY What about you, Wally? How did the auditions go? How was your day? WALLY (sullen) Well, not as good as you guys. Wally yawns and stretches. WALLY I’m okay. I may go for a walk before I hit the hay. I’ll be back. Wally kisses Joy on the cheek. He turns to leave. 47. Joy, concerned, watches Wally walk away. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Wally walks the empty streets near the hotel. He sees a neon sign that reads: New York Bar. WALLY I need a drink. Wally enters. INT. NEW YORK BAR - NIGHT A lively bar scene. PEOPLE drink, talk, KARAOKE. Wally, bobbing his head, trying to fit in, sits at the bar. He orders a drink from a BARTENDER. WALLY I’ll have a Midori Sour. Up. BARTENDER You got it. Wally swivels in his bar stool. He sips. His face puckers, it’s a bit strong. The bartender wipes down the bar. Wally looks low. WALLY (to himself) Good drink. BARTENDER Thanks. Wally turns around, not realizing the bartender was there. WALLY Oh, hi there. BARTENDER Why the long face? Wally takes a bigger sip. WALLY Things are not going my way. 48. BARTENDER Hey, when the world gets me down I put myself in a happy place and try to have a little fun. WALLY You’re right. Wally downs his drink. BARTENDER Next one’s on me. The bartender hands Wally another Midori Sour. WALLY Why thank you. Wally downs it. Wally (cont’d) I usually don’t have a third but why don’t you make that one more. The bartender hands Wally a third. He downs it. Wally turns around and sees a group of GUYS drinking, obviously a bachelor party. Wally approaches JEFF. Wally (cont’d) Hi there. Jeff hands Wally a shot. JEFF What’s your name, man? WALLY I’m Wally. What’s yours? JEFF Jeff. Cheers, Wally. WALLY To the queen, Jeff. They clink and shoot. More GUYS from the Bachelor party approach. BUDDY (to Jeff) Who’s your friend? 49. JEFF Wally, I’d like you to meet Buddy. Wally shakes Buddy’s hand. JEFF (cont’d) This is Tim, that’s Frank. Over there is Oliver and that’s Dan. The guys wave at Wally. Wally, drunk, waves at the guys. WALLY So which one of you fine fellas is getting married? Dan, handsome, clean-cut, wearing a suit, approaches and hands Wally a shot of tequila. DAN I’m Dan. Glad to meet you. Wally sits down. He eyes the Karaoke machine and gets excited. WALLY Do you think I could try that? I could really blow off some steam. DAN Blow away. Wally enters the code for “Rocket Man” by Elton John. Everyone at the bar loses all inhibitions and sings along. The music starts: WALLY (singing) She packed my bags last night preflight. Zero hour nine a.m. And I’m gonna be high-Wally hits the note perfectly. Wally (cont’d) ...as a kite by then. Wally does an aside, like a true lounge lizard. Wally (cont’d) I don’t really do drugs. (singing) (MORE) 50. Wally(cont'd) I miss the earth so much I miss my wife. The bachelor party loves it. They love Wally. Jeff hands Wally another shot. Wally is sloppy drunk. The whole bar sings: EVERYONE (singing) Rocket Man! DAN Who wants to do body shots!? Wally swan dives into the crowd of bachelors who catch him. They carry Wally to their table. Wally takes his shirt off. WALLY I’ve never done body shots before. It’s all blur. Someone pours tequila on Wally's stomach. Someone sucks it up. Dazed and glazed, Wally looks around at the guys having fun. He’s helpless, but having a great time. DAN Wally, I want you to meet my future wife. A big, BLACK GUY looks down at Wally. The song “It’s Raining Men” comes on. BLACK GUY Hey there. The black guy does a body shot off of his stomach before Wally can react. Wally screams! This is a gay bar. Not a girl in sight. INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - HALLWAY - LATER Wally, in a sailor suit, leads a DONKEY ridden by a DRUNK MIDGET with a passed out MONKEY to his hotel room. He knocks. Joy opens the door. WALLY We have a new family... They're such nice... people. 51. Joy is appalled. Wally puts his finger to her mouth. He’s outrageously drunk. Wally (cont’d) Shhhhhh, I love them. Monkey, meet your new mommy. The monkey drops out of the midgets arms and hits the floor. DRUNKEN MIDGET Sorry, monkey. Hello, lady. FADE TO BLACK: INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - MORNING Wally belches while he’s asleep. He’s passed out in the bed, sheets tattered and torn around him. Joy wakes up from an uncomfortable night on a chair. She looks at Wally with disgust. The telephone RINGS. Joy picks it up. JOY Hello? STEVE STEELE (ON PHONE) Is this Joy? JOY Speaking. STEVE STEELE (ON PHONE) It’s Steve Steele. Instinctively, Joy primps her hair. She sneaks into the bathroom to talk to Steve. Joy paces. She peaks her head into the bedroom at Wally, who’s awake and sticking his finger in his ear. JOY (whispering) Hi. STEVE STEELE (ON PHONE) So, I couldn’t stop thinking about our scene? I really want to work with you again. 52. We hear pounding on the front door. RACHEL Mom? Dad? Are you guys awake? WALLY Joy. What’s going on? My face feels like an alligator. JOY (to Steve) Um, I don’t know. STEVE STEELE (ON PHONE) Meet me. I want you to give me the chance to convince you. Zach’s restaurant in Times Square. More pounding on the door. Joy is flustered. JOY Okay. I’ll find it. STEVE STEELE (ON PHONE) One hour? JOY Okay. Joy hangs up the phone and lets Rachel in the room. Wally is still in bed. WALLY Who was on the phone? JOY (angry) No one. Go back to bed. WALLY I heard the phone ring. RACHEL Hey, dad can I have some more money? I’m not working at the Gap because of you and I need money to go shopping with Milan today. Wally reluctantly takes out his wallet. He’s hung over. Wally hands Rachel cash. 53. WALLY You’re welcome. Rachel ignores Wally and walks over to a mirror. Joy is primping her hair in the bathroom. WALLY Hello! Family! Nobody pays attention to Wally. WALLY (screaming) Family! Rachel freezes. Joy enters the room. JOY What? WALLY Thank you. I just want to let you two know that we’ll be dining together tonight. A nice family dinner. JOY Fine. Joy quickly heads for the door. JOY Bye, Wally. WALLY Well, where are you going in such a hurry? JOY Um, shopping. I’ll be back later. Joy exits. Rachel still stares into the mirror, fixing her lipstick. RACHEL So did Steve Steele call yet? WALLY What? RACHEL Steve Steele got mom’s number. 54. WALLY Oh he did, did he? RACHEL Catch up, dad. Are you okay? Rachel kisses Wally on the cheek, stuffs the money in her purse and exits. Wally looks dumbfounded. Wally Is Joy meeting Steve Steele? Wally quickly throws wrinkled clothes on over his wrinkled clothes and exits. EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY Wally trails his wife down the streets of New York. EXT. ZACH’S RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY Wally hides as he watches Joy enter a restaurant. To Wally's astonishment Joy is there to meet Steve Steele. They hug. INT. PET RESORT - DAY Rachel and Milan Sheraton enter an upscale pet resort. They are dressed to the nines. Milan holds a BLACK BAG. They approach the GUY at the counter. Milan tosses the bag in front of him. MILAN My dog’s dead. I want a new one. INT. SALON - MORNING Rachel and Milan get their hair done at a highfalutin salon. Each have an identical dog sitting on their lap. Several KOREAN women work their hair and nails. MILAN (to Rachel) What’s Scotland? Rachel, confused, is about to answer but Milan says: 55. MILAN (cont’d) Whatever. I don’t care. Milan looks at the KOREAN women in front of her and says: MILAN (cont’d) You look the same. Are you related? The Korean women cuss her out in Korean. Milan looks down at her dog. Then, over at Rachel’s. MILAN (cont’d) This dog’s stupid. I want yours. She switches dogs with Rachel. EXT. ZACH’S RESTAURANT PATIO - THAT MOMENT Wally needs a better view. He runs across the street and dives behind a fake tree next to the patio. A CUSTOMER exits, tossing his doggie bag to Wally. CUSTOMER You need this more than I do. Wally takes the bag and starts to eat, as he unsuccessfully tries to listen to Joy and Steve Steele. CUT TO: Joy and Steve Steele sit opposite one another. JOY About yesterday, I feel really guilty. I’m a married woman. STEVE STEELE Oh, please. We were acting. It’s fake kissing. And if it makes you feel any better, bring your husband along. I’d love to meet him. JOY (relieved) I’m so glad you said that. That makes me feel so much better. I have no idea how any of this works. Steve puts his hand on Joy’s leg. 56. STEVE STEELE Joy, I can make this happen. I really feel like you’re special. Joy thinks for a moment. JOY Um, I just don’t think it’s me. The way I see it, I’m in New York to support my husband. The scene we had yesterday, that kiss, they were great, but, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, I think I have to turn you down, Steve. I have to support my Wally. STEVE STEELE (disappointed) That’s too bad. But I understand. Wally’s a lucky guy. Joy reaches over and hugs Steve. JOY Thank you so much for understanding. CUT TO: Wally is devastated as he sees his wife hug Steve Steele. He sets the doggie bag down, gets up, and walks away with a hang dog expression on his face. CUT BACK TO: Joy stands up. STEVE STEELE Wait. Where are you going? You’re still going to ride the Steele train right? Steve stands up. JOY What? STEVE STEELE You still want to fuck me right? 57. JOY (yelling) As if I would ever cheat on my husband with you. Steve looks around the restaurant, embarrassed. Joy storms off. STEVE STEELE (trying to recover) Good one. Bye sis. See you at mom’s house. (pointing at Joy, speaking to a WAITRESS) My sister. EXT. CAFE - DAY Rachel and Milan exit a Cafe. They are swarmed by PAPARAZZI, snapping photos. Rachel, not used to the attention, shies away. RACHEL How did they find us? Milan starts to pose, loving the attention. MILAN (half hearted) No. Stop. Don’t do that. At that moment, Milan turns to Rachel and says: MILAN (cont’d) They always find me. The paparazzi notice Rachel. They snap pictures of her. Rachel is swarmed by cameras. But, a natural at it, Rachel starts to pose. Milan is ignored. INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT Wally, showered and cleaned up, sits in an Italian restaurant in Little Italy at a table by himself waiting for his family. Rachel shows up but she’s on her cell. 58. RACHEL Brent. Hi. It’s me. Yeah, you want to meet me? Cool. Rachel sees Wally. RACHEL (cont’d) Daddy, Brent says hi. Wally waves. WALLY (disappointed) You’re not staying are you? RACHEL Gotta run. Love you. Wally feels dejected. Joy arrives. Wally, obviously upset at Joy, decides to play it cool. He moves a seat back for her. Joy sits. She picks up a menu. JOY How was your day today? What about your play? How’s it coming along? WALLY (lying) It’s fine. JOY (sensing something) Did you see Rachel? WALLY Yeah. JOY She’s really taking to New York. WALLY And what about you? What did you do today in the big apple? JOY (lying) Um, I got a new jacket. WALLY Oh. A new jacket. Where is it? 59. JOY It’s... up in the room. WALLY You’re not wearing it? You know this is just too much. If you buy a new jacket, you should wear it. JOY Wally? What’s going on? WALLY I know you’re cheating on me. Joy is taken aback. JOY Are you nuts? WALLY I saw you with that big fat stupid actor Steve Steele. JOY You were spying on me? WALLY No. Yes. So? JOY How dare you! WALLY How dare I? You’re the one cheating. How dare you? JOY Wally, I am not cheating. WALLY Yeah. Whatever. JOY You know what, I’m not dealing with you. You’re acting crazy. I’m sleeping in Rachel’s room tonight. Joy is upset as she leaves the restaurant. Wally is alone. He pulls out his CELL PHONE and dials a number. 60. INT. LOU GLUTZ’S OFFICE - THAT MOMENT Brent separates jelly bean colors for Mr. Glutz. His phone rings. BRENT Mr. Glutz’s office. WALLY (ON PHONE) Brent. It’s Wally Dell. Please, please, please, please, meet me for lunch tomorrow. I need to talk to you. I’m having the worst day. Brent is frustrated by his menial task at hand. BRENT Wally? I only get twenty minutes and I can’t go more than a block away. I’ll meet you downstairs at noon. WALLY Great. He hangs up the phone. FADE TO BLACK: EXT. WILLIAM MORRIS AGENCY - NOON Wally and Brent eat hot dogs outside William Morris. WALLY (rambling) Nothing I’ve done since coming here has worked. But my family is doing just fine, so how can I really complain? Except this is my dream, not theirs. BRENT Maybe you’re aiming too high, Wally. I mean, no one just comes to New York and puts on a show. It takes years to become great. WALLY I’ve been doing this for years. 61. BRENT Maybe what you need to do is focus on baby steps. Go get some new head shots. Find open casting calls. WALLY Ok. Ok. Head shots. Sure. Um, I need to work. I need a lead. Do you have anything for me? Brent thinks for a moment. He reaches into his messenger bag. BRENT I think I do. Hold on a second. Brent hands Wally a piece of paper. BRENT (cont’d) This is what’s known as a hot list. All the out of work actors get it. Just, be yourself, stay loose. See what you can do with it. Wally is grateful, he’s smiling. WALLY Come here you big lug. Wally bear hugs Brent, who’s a little uncomfortable. BRENT Okay. Brent straightens his hair, clothes. WALLY Hey, wait a minute. Where does one get head shots anyway? BRENT Well we usually send our clients to Jean Jaques uptown but that’s pretty expensive and you don’t get ‘em for a few weeks. WALLY Well, where can I go to get some cheap head shots really quickly? CUT TO: 62. EXT. CHEQUES CASHED STORE - LATER Wally happily exits a cheques cashed store holding his new PASSPORT-SIZED HEAD SHOTS. INT. BATHROOM - LATER Wally changes clothes behind a bathroom stall. He opens the door. He awkwardly wears a tight leotard and ballet shoes. INT. DANCE HALL - LATER Wally, in leotard, tries to dance alongside PROFESSIONAL DANCERS to the theme song from the movie Fame. He's not good enough, but damn him if he isn’t trying his hardest. INT. OFFICE - LATER Wally looks like a writer (whatever that means). Behind him, hanging on a wall, is a banner for the Vagina Monologues. A room filled with ANGRY WOMEN are not impressed by either Wally or his silly head shot. Wally takes out a pack of cigarillos. He offers them to the women. WALLY Ladies. Cigarillo? One of them grunts. Wally lights it and takes a puff, tries to act cool but he’s not. He’s not being himself. Wally (cont’d) Boy, you know, that writing game, sure is hard stuff. I don’t know how I do it. The pen is mightier than the sword, hey? ANGRY WOMAN Why don’t you just get to it? Wally, nervous, clears his throat. Wally (pondering) My vagina is like... 63. Wally looks at his wrist. Written in ink is VAGINA = FLOWER. Wally (cont’d) ...a flower. The angry women roll their eyes. INT. OFFICE - LATER Wally sits on a casting couch. He looks very innocent. A scuzzy “PRODUCER” sits opposite Wally. He sucks a lollipop. SCUZZY PRODUCER So, uh, this is Macbeth. I need a lead, to uh, play Macbeth. He takes the lollipop out of his mouth. SCUZZY PRODUCER (cont’d) And, uh, why don’t you take off that top. Wally looks confused. WALLY I don't remember this play having nudity. SCUZZY PRODUCER Yeah, it’s an updated version. Macbeth 2.0 or whatever. The scuzzy producer shifts in his seat. SCUZZY PRODUCER (cont’d) Let’s go. Let’s go. I ain’t got all day. Wally is desperate. He cries and reluctantly begins to take off his top. Wally stands topless, arms crossed, embarrassed. The scuzzy producer clears his throat, points to Wally's pants. Wally shakes his head. Again, the scuzzy producer points to Wally's pants. Wally grabs his shirt and runs out of the office, hysterical. 64. INT. DINER - NIGHT Wally sits at a counter in a diner, posed like Rodin’s “The Thinker.” A milk shake and his note pad in front of him, pen in hand. An OLD WAITRESS watches. She’s got a small goiter and liver spots on her face. Curious, she limps over. WAITRESS Watcha doin’? Wally startled, looks up. Wally Oh, nothing. (beat) Just thinking of ideas. Wally changes the subject. Wally Can I ask you a question? WAITRESS You just did. The waitress laughs, but it gives way to a horrible cough. Wally looks disgusted. WAITRESS (cont’d) Sorry about that. Got the old bronchitis actin’ up. WALLY What are your dreams? She thinks hard. WAITRESS (remembering) I had this one reoccurring dream. Me and Lyndon Johnson riding in the back of rickshaw, strangest damn thing you ever seen. That’s it. Just me and the former president. Wally is disturbed. 65. WALLY What I meant was, what are your goals, your aspirations? WAITRESS Oh. I guess I’ve always wanted to go to Paris and study something. When I was much younger, much, much younger, I just loved being in school. I don’t know how I ended up in this rat hole. WALLY I don’t know how I ended up here either. Nothing has gone right for me. I’ve tried so hard to chase what seems like this really unattainable goal. I’ve dreamt big and dragged my family across country to put a show on Broadway and that hasn’t happened. I think I might take my family and go back home to Kansas. We don’t belong here. I aimed too high. How can you live in a world where there is no justice? No fairness? No decency? And your family are a bunch of ingrates and they leave you hapless and hopeless to fend for yourself while they go gallivanting around town with Steve Steele and Milan Sheraton. It’s just not fair. The waitress looks around the diner, same old place. Wally sucks down his milk shake. She unwraps her apron and sets it down on the counter. WAITRESS Thank you for showing me the light. WALLY How’s that? WAITRESS I don’t want to end up like you. (beat) I’m going to Paris and I’m going to take some classes and damn anybody who tries to stop me. 66. The waitress limps over to a walker. She takes it and slowly makes her way out of the restaurant leaving Wally all alone. INT. POSH CLUB - NIGHT Rachel and Milan Sheraton dance in a ritzy club. CLUB GUYS are all over them. Brent and a few of his BUDDIES drink at a nearby table watching the girls dance. Milan looks Rachel up and down. MILAN SHERATON (yelling) What number pink is that? RACHEL (yelling) It’s number 24. MILAN SHERATON But I told you to wear number 31. RACHEL Whatever. Milan is not pleased. MILAN SHERATON (on a whim) You’re fired! RACHEL Huh? MILAN SHERATON I said you’re fired! You’re not my friend any more. Rachel can’t believe it. RACHEL You’re conceited! MILAN SHERATON (confused) That’s not a word. RACHEL Yes it is. It means, it means you’re not nice. 67. Brent approaches the two girls. He puts his hand on Rachel. BRENT Are you all right? MILAN SHERATON Sure, have your dorky boyfriend come to the rescue. RACHEL Hey, he may be a dork... Brent takes that as a compliment. RACHEL ...but he’s the nicest, most special person in the whole city. He’s a real person, unlike you. Milan blinks, vacuous. She lunges at Rachel. A struggle ensues. Milan yanks on Rachel’s top and it comes off revealing Rachel in her bra. A PAPARAZZI appears out of no where and snaps a picture. Brent helps Rachel cover herself. They exit the club into an alleyway. EXT. ALLEY BEHIND THE POSH CLUB - NIGHT Rachel cries and freaks out. Brent tries to calm her down. He hugs her tight. BRENT Sweetie, relax. It’s okay. RACHEL I hate that girl. BRENT I know. Nobody in this town likes her, but she’s rich. I’m surprised you lasted this long. She usually chews people up much faster. I think you reminded her about what it means to be a real person. She couldn’t take it. RACHEL Really? You think I’m a real person. 68. BRENT Sure, you’ve changed a lot since I first met you. You got caught up in the fake New York socialite scene, but-RACHEL Ugh. Rachel playfully hits Brent in the arm. BRENT (laughing) ...but I knew it would pass. I knew the real you would come out eventually. He wipes the tears of her face. She calms down. RACHEL You really are awfully sweet. Brent and Rachel hug each other in the alleyway. FADE TO BLACK: INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - MORNING The early morning sunlight shines through the drapes in Wally’s hotel room. There are balled up script pages everywhere. He grabs a bag of potato chips and pours them down his gullet. He turns on the television. An E! Entertainment PERSONALITY shoves a microphone at James Lipton. TV PERSONALITY Who would you have lunch with if you could have lunch with anyone in the world living or dead? JAMES LIPTON Hmm... let me see... Shakespeare, of course! James Lipton takes the mic. 69. JAMES LIPTON Which is why I’m here in New York until August 27th performing various Shakespeare masterpieces in the park, for the love of the craft, the love of words. I have to keep my skills finely honed-The phone rings. Wally picks it up. WALLY (gruff) What? INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE - EUFALA, KANSAS - THAT MOMENT Mayor Jenson speaks into the phone behind his huge desk. MAYOR JENSON Wally? It’s Mayor Jenson. CUT TO: Wally jumps up. WALLY Oh. Uh, Mayor. Uh. Wally stammers, gets out of bed. WALLY What, uh, time is it? Wally opens the drapes, he cringes like Dracula from the bright lights. MAYOR JENSON (ON PHONE) It’s mid-morning. I trust things are well in the big city. WALLY Oh, well, yes. They’re well. MAYOR JENSON (ON PHONE) Good news. My daughter tells me Rachel is on the cover of The Inquirer. How reputable. That’s on newsstands all over the country if I recall correctly. You’ve done Eufala proud. 70. WALLY (surprised) The Inquirer? I mean, yes, on the cover. MAYOR JENSON (ON PHONE) And your wife. What is she doing? WALLY She... she is um, in a movie. With Steve Steele. MAYOR JENSON (ON PHONE) Steve Steele! Didn’t he play rugged hero Jack Bruans in the action scifi film On Moral Grounds? WALLY Why yes, he did. MAYOR JENSON (ON PHONE) How is your production fairing? WALLY (lying) Never better. Just, uh, casting. MAYOR JENSON (ON PHONE) You mean you’re not to star in it? Wally slips his shoes on. WALLY Oh, heaven’s yes, I am. Just bit parts, I mean, background, for... ambience, or whatever. MAYOR JENSON (ON PHONE) Good. Good. WALLY Okay, well. Gotta get going. Got lots of work to do. MAYOR JENSON (ON PHONE) You’ve done very well for Eufala, Wally. We are pleased. WALLY Perfect. Gotta go! Wally slams down the phone. 71. INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The Mayor stands up. He walks to his window. The ENTIRE POPULATION of Eufala, Kansas is in the courtyard. MAYOR JENSON (yells) As we predicted... the Dells have taken over Broadway. The townsfolk in the courtyard raise their arms and cheer. INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - LOBBY - LATER Wally runs into a magazine kiosk in the lobby. He picks up The Inquirer. Rachel is on the cover with her bra exposed. Wally freaks. He rips the magazine rack down. In a frenzy he collects the magazines. The Spaniard runs into kiosk. THE SPANIARD What is this? Sir, you may not behave in this manner. Wally growls at him. The Spaniard approaches Wally and SLAPS him across the face. THE SPANIARD Sir, pull yourself together. Wally drops the magazines. There is a hand print on Wally’s face, a trickle of blood from his lip. Wally touches the blood and looks at the Spaniard, crazed. A crowd has gathered. WALLY Oh. No. You did not. Wally slaps the Spaniard. The Spaniard broadens his shoulders. Takes a deep breath. THE SPANIARD In my country, this is an act of war. We will duel. 72. WALLY Well in my country, America!, we kick ass and take names later. The two men charge, but it is broken up by the crowd. Wally is thrown out onto the street. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - LATER Wally, panicky and heavy-footed, walks down Times Square. WALLY What am I going to do? This can’t be happening. I’m a total fraud. The whole town is going to know Wally's a fraud. Wally’ll be a laughing stock. Wally looks up on the TRINITRON and sees Joy on E! Entertainment News making out with Steve Steele. Wally (cont’d) And there’s Wally's wife. And she’s making out with Steve flipping Steele. A van SCREECHES to a halt in front of Wally. The slide door opens and a MAN throws a bundle of DIRTY TABLOID MAGAZINES right in front of Wally. Wally looks down and sees Rachel on the cover with her shirt wide open revealing her bra. Wally (cont’d) Ahhhhhh, of course, Wally’s daughter made the trades. And her breasts are right there with her. The neon lights, the PEOPLE on the street, everything is taunting him. WALLY Everyone’s making out here but me! Something deep inside Wally snaps at that moment. He runs down the street SCREAMING like a madman with his hands in the air. Wally, huffing and puffing, stops to catch his breath. 73. He sees the moon shining down from the heavens on a tiny, abandoned theatre right off Broadway, on a lesser known street called Broadway Avenue. Wally is mesmerized. INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - LATER Wally re-enters the Windmill Arms. He sees the CROSSBOW and ARROWS that adorn the wall. The Spaniard watches Wally. Wally, crazed, yanks the crossbow and arrows off the wall. THE SPANIARD Of what nonsense does this derive? The Spaniard blocks Wally from exiting the hotel. WALLY Out of my way, Spaniard. THE SPANIARD Remiss I am not, I accept your challenge in the name of the Windmill Arms. The Spaniard eyes a pair of CROSSED SWORDS latched to a shield on the wall. He rips them down, throws one to Wally. THE SPANIARD You shall not pass this day, sir. Wally puts down the crossbow. He lifts his sword. WALLY Have it your way. I accept your challenge. The Spaniard raises his sword. THE SPANIARD En guard. TOURISTS gather to watch, thinking its part of a show. The two men size each other, circling the lobby of the hotel. 74. WALLY I warn you, I’m a footwork master. THE SPANIARD Part three of the Ides of March. Do you know it? WALLY Ah, Zen and caffeine. The ides is an excellent fencing strategy. Neither calmness nor wild energy will defeat it. I know it well. THE SPANIARD Touche. The Spaniard wields his sword and takes three leaps towards Wally who defends each blow with precise blocks and footwork. The tourists applaud. Wally lunges. The Spaniard retreats. Wally takes advantage of his position and jumps onto a table. The Spaniard jumps on a luggage cart. Like a knight on a steed he charges Wally on the table. The Spaniard swings his sword at Wally who jumps and flips over onto the ground. Again, the tourists applaud. WALLY I have you now, Spaniard. Wally charges. The Spaniard retreats up a curved set of stairs, metal upon metal, sparks flying. Wally thrusts upward knocking The Spaniard’s sword from his grip. It CRASHES down to the lobby. Wally, sweaty, stares at The Spaniard. WALLY Surrender and I’ll spare you. THE SPANIARD Never. The Spaniard jumps onto the rail and jumps again through the air onto a CHANDELIER. Wally looks at him confused. 75. The Spaniard dangles in the air above the tourists. to jump down. Too high Wally walks back down the steps, leaving his foe in the air. THE SPANIARD (realizing his mistake) A brass fiddledeedee for the first man, woman or child who extracts me from this grave folly. Wally picks up his crossbow and arrows and takes a bow. The tourists applaud. Wally exits. EXT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - LATER Wally runs out onto the street with the crossbow and scares a COUPLE walking by. Wally sees a LAUNDRY TRUCK. A CHINESE MAN unloads laundry from the back door. CHINESE MUSIC plays in the background. Wally walks up to the Chinese man and screams, still holding the crossbow. The Chinese man runs for dear life. Wally jumps in the laundry truck. Clothes scatter down the street as the doors to the laundry truck finally slam shut. EXT. STREET - LATER Wally weaves in and out of traffic. CHINESE MUSIC blasting. The van approaches Central Park. It slams into a curb and up onto the sidewalk heading into the park. Sparks fly. Wally maneuvres in and out of PEDESTRIAN traffic. EXT. CENTRAL PARK - THAT MOMENT James Lipton and the other ACTORS, in full Shakespearean costumes, pack up for the night. ORLANDO Who’s up for a spot of tea? NIGEL I am. I am. The Champs-Elysées cafe? 76. JERICHO (disappointed) Not again. JAMES LIPTON Not another tiff. I have the perfect idea. Why not stop by Edgar’s on the east side and have a cup of his wicked raspberry Earl Gray tea? ORLANDO Toot sweet, old man. You’ve hit the nail on the head. James Lipton hears CHINESE MUSIC rapidly approaching. He whirls around and sees a laundry truck barreling towards him. It skids to a halt inches from his face. Wally jumps out of the van with his crossbow. WALLY Hello, Mr. Lipton. All right! Everyone in the back of the van. Move, move, move. Nigel screams. Orlando and Jericho embrace. Wally shoves Nigel in the van. Not wanting to get hurt, James Lipton, Jericho and Orlando jump in. Wally slams the door shut and jumps back in the van. INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - CONTINUOUS After a long day, a tired Joy and Rachel arrive at the hotel at the same time. They walk passed the front desk and see a COP talking with the Spaniard. The Spaniard eyes Joy. THE SPANIARD There. That is the wife. Joy looks worried as the cop approaches. COP Ma’am, I’m Officer Leroy. Apparently your husband came here and ripped a crossbow off the wall and stole a laundry truck. Joy and Rachel stare at each other. Joy’s cell phone rings. 77. JOY (cont’d) Wally? INT. VAN - MOVING - THAT MOMENT Wally drives the van. James Lipton and the actors are in the back. They slip and slide all over. Nigel cries. WALLY (nervous) Hi, honey. It’s me. Um, I’m not really sure what I did, but I kind of did something bad. INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - THAT MOMENT Joy is on the phone with Wally. JOY Wally. What’s happened? WALLY (ON PHONE) I kind of kidnapped some people. JOY You did what!? INT. VAN - MOVING - THAT MOMENT Wally makes a hard left turn while talking on the phone. WALLY Yeah, uh, I have a plan though. I know what I’m doing. I have James Lipton with me. Wally hands the phone to James Lipton. Wally (cont’d) Here, say hello to my wife. James Lipton takes the phone. Wally (cont’d) Be nice. JAMES LIPTON Hello? 78. JOY (ON PHONE) Hi there. JAMES LIPTON This man is your husband? JOY (ON PHONE) He’s not going to hurt you. He’s gentle. He’s an actor, he’s always wanted to be on your show. He’s a big fan. JAMES LIPTON Yes, I can see that. Wally takes the phone from James Lipton. WALLY Honey, I found this great little theatre off Broadway. You’re gonna love it. I’ll call when we’re ready. I’m gonna put on my show. JOY (ON PHONE) Wally? WALLY I love you. Remember the contract, Joy. Everything’s gonna be okay. Wally notices Nigel in the midst of a panic attack. Wally (to James Lipton) Is he going to be okay? James Lipton rubs Nigel’s shoulder. JAMES LIPTON Nigel, the man with the crossbow wants to know if you’re okay. NIGEL I’m okay. WALLY (to Joy on phone) Gotta go. I’ll call you soon. JOY (ON PHONE) Wait-Wally hangs up his cell. 79. WALLY (to the actors) I’m Wally Dell. I’m from Eufala, Kansas. Nice to meet you guys. INT. THE WINDMILL ARMS - LATER Joy talks to Officer Leroy. JOY My husband wants to put on a play. Joy nervously chuckles. OFFICER LEROY Excuse me? Rachel’s cell phone rings. RACHEL (shocked) Brent. My dad’s in trouble. The cops are looking for him. BRENT (ON PHONE) Where are you? RACHEL At the hotel. BRENT (ON PHONE) I’m on my way. INT. VAN - MOVING - NIGHT The van SCREECHES to a halt. James Lipton and the actors fly forward. The crossbow goes off. An ARROW flies through the air and pins Jericho’s cape to the side of the van. James Lipton, Nigel and Orlando scream. Jericho, crying, tries to get up but can’t, he’s pinned. WALLY Sorry. Stop crying. Oh jeez. JAMES LIPTON Wally, why don’t you put the crossbow down? WALLY You’re right. 80. Wally lowers the crossbow. Wally (cont’d) (breathing heavily) Well. We’re here! EXT. VAN - CONTINUOUS Wally opens the back of the van. The actors see the Old Theatre and the moon shining down on it. WALLY That’s where we’re going. James Lipton looks at the theatre, he’s not necessarily scared, he’s curious. JAMES LIPTON What is this Wally? WALLY Come on, guys. Let’s go. Wally forces the actors to an entrance. Wally lifts up a trash can and BASHES it into the door knob. The door creaks open. They enter. INT. OLD THEATRE - CONTINUOUS It's dark. Bumping into things, knocking things over, Wally leads the actors onto a stage in this old abandoned theatre. NIGEL Jericho. Are you there? ORLANDO It’s me, Orlando. JAMES LIPTON Where’s Jericho. JERICHO I’m here. Wally finds a lever. He flips it up. An electronic hum fills the air, lights flicker on and off. 81. EXT. OLD THEATRE - THAT MOMENT What Wally doesn’t realize is, he just switched on the master light control. All the lights on the outside of the theatre blast on. Lights on the marquee sparkle, spotlights shoot up into the sky, the theatre is lit up like a Christmas tree. INT. OLD THEATRE - THAT MOMENT Wally, James Lipton and the actors stare at the empty theatre. It’s dusty, dank and past its prime, but it’s also beautiful and spectacular in its old world Broadway charm. It’s exactly what Wally hoped for. WALLY Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I can’t believe it. It’s perfect. Wally jumps up and down. He can’t contain himself. The actors are in awe of the breathtaking theatre. INT. WINDMILL ARMS - THAT MOMENT Officer Leroy stands in front of Joy. JOY (nervous) Okay. My husband’s had a really rough time of it lately. But, believe me, he’s a dear, sweet man. Really, gentle as a fly. OFFICER LEROY What’s happening? JOY Rachel? Come here. Rachel approaches. JOY (cont’d) Tell the officer you love your father. RACHEL Mom, what’s that got to do with anything. 82. JOY (frantic) Tell him! RACHEL I mean, I love him. He’s a little goofy, but he’d never hurt anyone. OFFICIAL Ma’am please I-Officer Leroy’s walkie-talkie erupts with the following message: OFFICER (O.S.) Hostage situation suspect believed to have broken into an abandoned theatre on Broadway Avenue. JOY (blurts it out) That’s my husband. Office Leroy ponders this. He gets on his walkie-talkie and reports back to his precinct. Rachel’s got a look of horror and embarrassment on her face. It’s quickly erased when she sees Brent enter the hotel. Emotional, she runs over to him. They have an awkward embrace/kiss thing. BRENT What’s happened? RACHEL Promise you’ll still like me. BRENT I promise. RACHEL No really. Look me right in the eyes and tell me you won’t think I’m a freak. Brent stares right into Rachel’s eyes. BRENT I won’t think you’re a freak. 83. RACHEL My dad kidnapped James Lipton and is holding him hostage. Brent can’t believe it. INT. OLD THEATRE - THAT MOMENT Inside the theatre, Wally and the actors sit in a circle on stage. Wally tells the actors about his dream. WALLY (passionate) When I was nine years old my aunt took me to my first musical. It was Man from La Mancha and it was a treasure. Later that night, I snuck into my parents bedroom. I told them I wanted to be on stage. My father got up in bed, he looked at my mother and said “Doris, the kid’s a fruit.’ Wally jumps up and paces around the actors. Wally (cont’d) I thought to myself, how great! A fruit. I like fruit. I asked my dad what kind of fruit I was, thinking it was a game, but he didn’t answer. He told me to go to my room. For the next three nights all my parents talked about was sending me to military academy. ‘That’d straighten me out,’ my father said. Orlando sniffles. ORLANDO When I told my dad I was gay he threatened to send me to military academy too. WALLY So there you go, Orlando. You know how it feels to have your dreams suppressed. To have your whole life become a misunderstanding. Nigel nods his head. 84. Wally (cont’d) I wrote my first musical at age ten. It was about a frustrated traffic control officer. It all started with this line, ‘Left turn. Right turn. When’s it my turn?’ James Lipton smiles. JAMES LIPTON It’s not bad. WALLY I wanted to perform on stage from the very beginning. Every free moment I had I practiced all the great songs, all the great soliloquies and diatribes and speeches and on and on and on. But I had to hide it from my parents. I kept it secret. Well, I’m not keeping it a secret any more. I moved to New York with big dreams. If I go home now, it’ll be like a sword through the heart. Wally's really into it now. JERICHO Tell it, Wally. He sets the crossbow down. James Lipton can grab it and run, but decides not to. Wally (cont’d) So, maybe I went a little batty. JAMES LIPTON You went very batty if you ask me. WALLY I know. And I really do apologize for involving you guys, but I just have to put on my own show. I have to show the world I can do it. I want to ask you guys a question. NIGEL It’s okay, Wally. Orlando and I are gay too. Wally looks confused. 85. WALLY What? No, I’m not gay. Nigel’s saddened. Wally (cont’d) No. What I mean is, I want you guys to help me put on my play. The actors stare at each other. They’ve listened to Wally. One by one they stand up and shake Wally's hand. JAMES LIPTON Bravo, Wally. NIGEL We’ll do it. JERICHO You’ve moved me. ORLANDO Let’s get going. EXT. STREET - THAT MOMENT Joy, Rachel and Brent ride in a cab after a slew of cop cars with sirens blazing. Rachel sees the old theatre is lit up. She points. RACHEL Look! Did dad do that? EXT. OLD THEATRE - CONTINUOUS A team of cop cars surround the old theatre. Officer Leroy gets out and talks to the CAPTAIN in charge. OFFICER LEROY We have a hostage situation with an armed man. CAPTAIN It’s a crossbow. OFFICER LEROY Yes, sir. Well, we don’t know what else is in there. They could have the placed rigged. 86. CAPTAIN Call in SWAT! OFFICER LEROY Yes, sir. (beat) Oh, and sir? CAPTAIN Yes, Officer Leroy. OFFICER LEROY They’ve got James Lipton in there. The Captain looks worried. EXT. OLD THEATRE - LATER A SWAT VAN screeches to a stop. SWAT MEMBERS jump out. They surround the theatre, guns pointing. SNIPERS are positioned in the opposite buildings. Orlando runs back to the stage from the front door. ORLANDO The place is surrounded, Wally. Wally knows what must be done. INT. OLD THEATRE - LATER Wally climbs up a flight of stairs. He walks down a hallway. He comes to a door, through the slit he sees lights flashing. Wally looks worried. He hears the action outside. Wally opens up the door and sees the madness down below. Cops, dogs, cars, sirens, a HELICOPTER flies by. Wally stands there, a superhero pose, and yells: WALLY Hello! May I have your attention please. No one can hear him. Wally (cont’d) I said HELLO! A light shines on Wally. 87. THE CAPTAIN down below is on a megaphone. CAPTAIN Quiet. Quiet. The commotion outside calms down. Joy looks up and sees Wally. JOY (yelling) Wally, what are you doing? WALLY Hi, Joy. It’s okay. CAPTAIN What are your demands? Beat. WALLY I want ten large pizzas and two twenty-four ounce bottles of diet coke. We’re hungry in here. Secondly, when I give you the signal, I would like this theatre filled. You’re all invited inside for a special surprise. Oh, and some chicken wings. CAPTAIN We can’t let anyone in the theatre. WALLY Well, you’re just going to have to figure something out. And I promise, when this is all over, nobody will be hurt and we can all go back to normal. The Captain turns to Officer Leroy and says: Captain Did he just invite us into the theatre? OFFICER LEROY He isn’t like any criminal I’ve ever seen, sir. Joy overhears. 88. JOY Captain, hi. I’m Joy Dell. Wally's my husband. I just want to tell you Wally's not a maniac, he’s only acting like one. CAPTAIN Thank you, ma’am. I’ll take that under consideration. (to Officer Leroy) You wanna get rid of her? Officer Leroy moves Joy back behind police tape. A small CROWD has gathered to watch the commotion. A POLICE OFFICER approaches the Captain. POLICE OFFICER Excuse me, Captain. Uh, the perps name is Wally Dell. White male, six foot two, buck eighty pounds. From Eufala, Kansas. No priors. Doesn’t even have a parking ticket, sir. Guy’s as clean as a whistle. The Captain contemplates the door Wally appeared at. EXT. OLD THEATRE - THAT MOMENT We can see Nigel off stage sewing COSTUMES together. Wally helps the actors rehearse. He takes Jericho and stands him in a particular spot on stage. WALLY Is this okay? JERICHO This feels right. When the Indian approaches I’m not afraid am I? WALLY No, no. You’re a proud woman. You must ask him for his help. No timidity in this scene, mister. Jericho smiles. Orlando steps forward. 89. ORLANDO What about my character? Where is he? WALLY Well the daughter is off stage. She’s actually, uh... Wally flips through a copy of his script. Wally (cont’d) ...actually helping save the wench from the well. ORLANDO Oh yes, yes. From the previous scene. Where’s my head? WALLY Okay, James. Speak the line. James Lipton slips into character. He plays the Indian. JAMES LIPTON I am Tree Finger Running Bull. What you want majestic white goddess? WALLY Great. JAMES LIPTON Is it? I feel like it’s a bit cliché. WALLY We’re talking about the 1870s. There was no formal education taking place among the Indian tribes in the mid-west. The fact that this guy speaks any English at all is quite remarkable for his day. I did some research online and found that this guy, this Tree Finger, actually existed and was some sort of liaison between his tribe and my great, great, great grandfather. JAMES LIPTON Oh, this is based on real events? WALLY Yes. 90. James Lipton looks intrigued. EXT. OLD THEATRE - LATER The scene outside becomes increasingly hectic. Nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd. Brent walks down the alleyway holding a tray of coffee. He passes by a news van and stops to watch a reporter. A CAMERA MAN and a JOURNALIST are stationed in front of the restless crowd. JAQUILINE FONTAINE This is Jaquiline Fontaine reporting to you live from an alleyway right off Broadway. A man has barricaded himself inside an abandoned theatre with a loaded crossbow. The man has kidnapped a local theatre group, among them celebrity interviewer James Lipton. The kidnapper is from a small town in Kansas, so small, in fact, that no one at channel thirteen has heard of it. It’s a place called Eufala, Kansas. The kidnapper’s name is Wally Dell and he’s believed to be a homosexual. Brent overhears this and approaches the reporter. BRENT Actually, he’s a family man. He’s not gay, not even a little. Well, maybe just, never mind. The reporter shoves her microphone in Brent’s face. The camera focuses on him. JAQUILINE FONTAINE Do you know the assailant? BRENT Well, yeah. CUT TO: 91. INT. LOU GLUTZ’S APARTMENT - THAT MOMENT Lou Glutz is on a stationary bike peddling his ass off. He’s watching the local news on mute. He wipes sweat from his brow. He reaches over and grabs a mirror with lines of coke on it. He snorts the hell out of the coke. He feels the rush and screams while he peddles faster. He stares up at his television and sees Brent. In the corner of the tv is a picture of Wally’s face. LOU GLUTZ What the shit?! He reaches for his remote and turns it up. CUT TO: Brent sees an opportunity to help. BRENT (ON TV) Wally Dell is an actor. This is all a ruse, a brilliant ploy to fill seats. JAQUILINE FONTAINE (ON TV) What do you mean? This is a farce? Wally Dell is not kidnapping anyone? BRENT (ON TV) No. Everyone should come on down and check out the show. It’s a genius marketing manoeuver. JAQUILINE FONTAINE (ON TV) You don’t find this a little risky? BRENT (ON TV) Wally knows what he’s doing. JAQUILINE FONTAINE (ON TV) What’s your relationship with Mr. Dell? BRENT (ON TV) I’m a friend. Lou Glutz is steaming mad. 92. LOU GLUTZ That rat fuck! He throws the remote at the tv and jumps off the bike and heads out the door. EXT. OLD THEATRE - NIGHT Joy, nervous, walks over to the Captain. JOY Any news? CAPTAIN Not a peep. Joy looks at the old theatre and says: JOY I wonder what’s going on in there. A SPECIAL OPERATIONS OFFICER approaches the Captain. SPECIAL OPS OFFICER Captain. Perimeter secure. Inside secure. If this place is rigged, this guy’s eluded our best equipment. CAPTAIN Damn it man! What’s this nut job have in store? INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Jericho walks back and forth rehearsing his lines. His costume brushes past an OLD ELECTRICAL OUTLET with frayed wires sticking out of it. His costume catches. He tries to yank it off and is ELECTROCUTED. EXT. THEATRE - THAT MOMENT The lights outside the theatre flicker on and off. The crowd gets excited, thinking the show is about to start. The Captain gets on his WALKIE-TALKIE. Captain (cont’d) A-Team enter. Repeat. A-Team go. 93. A squadron of COPS with guns enter the old theatre. One by one they are swallowed up by the darkness. Captain (cont’d) It’s too quiet. INT. OLD THEATRE - STAGE - CONTINUOUS Jericho is on the floor backstage. Smoke emanates from his head. Nigel stands over him freaking out. Wally remains calm. Jericho tries to get up. WALLY No, brave Jericho. Rest. NIGEL What do we do? I can’t leave him alone. WALLY The show must go on. Nigel, you stay with Jericho. I’ll have to play all three characters. Wally turns to exit. Wally peaks his head through the curtains and sees the cops walk slowly down the aisles. He freaks out. WALLY Oh, my god! They’re entering. I’m not ready, we’re not ready. James Lipton puts his hand on Wally's shoulder. JAMES LIPTON This is your bright and shiny moment. You’re prepared for this. Cherish this moment always. Wally looks at James Lipton like he’s magical. Wally peers through the curtains. More COPS fill the theatre. WALLY You’re right. I can do this. The show must go on. Inspired, James Lipton takes a breath and walks on stage. 94. INT. STAGE - THAT MOMENT James Lipton enters stage right. The cops point their guns at him. SQUADRON LEADER (ON WALKIE-TALKIE) Hold your fire. It’s James Lipton. JAMES LIPTON Welcome to the Death of Our Town. EXT. OLD THEATRE - THAT MOMENT Joy, Rachel and Brent stand next to the Captain. RACHEL Dad is nuts. JOY You’re father’s going away for a while when this is all done. The captain gets a call on his walkie-talkie. OFFICER (ON WALKIE-TALKIE) Uh, sir, you better come in here and take a look at this. CAPTAIN What is it? OFFICER (ON WALKIE-TALKIE) I can’t explain it. Just come in here and look at it. The Captain enters the theatre. Joy, Rachel and Brent walk towards the entrance. RACHEL Should we go in, mom. BRENT Come, on. Let’s go in. Joy reluctantly follows Rachel and Brent. The Camera Man and Jaquiline Fontaine walk towards the entrance. 95. JAQUILINE FONTAINE Let’s go. They enter. The crowd steps forward. They enter the theatre as well. INT. STAGE - THAT MOMENT Wally is about to perform the roles of all the characters in his play. WALLY AS THE WIFE I beg of you. We must have rain. You must teach us your Indian rain dance. Wally runs to the other side of the stage, switches his voice. WALLY AS TREE FINGER RUNNING BULL I worry that white man steal rain dance, not give nothing in stead. Wally runs back to his original spot, he’s sweating and struggling. WALLY AS THE WIFE Tree Finger, I implore you to consider that there will be plenty of time for the white man and the red man to live in harmony. The future is bright for your people. Wally as Tree Finger Running Bull considers this. WALLY AS TREE FINGER RUNNING BULL White lady right. The cops are restless. Not even Wally is sure what he’s doing on stage. Joy enters the theatre. She sees the cops reaching for their weapons. She looks up on stage at realizes that Wally is trying to perform two different roles. WALLY AS TREE FINGER RUNNING BULL I will go to council. We will consider this request. Wally runs to the opposite end of the stage, but before he can speak the line Joy yells it out from the audience. 96. JOY AS THE WIFE Thank you Tree Finger Running Bull. Everyone in the theatre turns to look at Joy who walks down the aisle towards the stage. Wally looks at his wife, he mouths the words “thank you.” Joy smiles at Wally. JOY AS THE WIFE You will go down in history as a godsend to the town of Eufala. Rachel gets the hint and follows her mom. RACHEL AS THE DAUGHTER This land is big enough for all of our people. There is plenty of room for the red and white man to live together in harmony. CUT TO: The crowd laughs. One COP turns to another and says: COP Oh, the bitter irony of the Native American. Joy and Rachel walk on stage and help Wally finish the scene. INT. STAGE - LATER Rachel rests her head on a pillow in a bed. She coughs. RACHEL AS THE DAUGHTER Mama, mama. I want water. This cough is wicked. JOY AS THE WIFE No water today, dear. Maybe tomorrow. CUT TO: There isn’t a dry eye in the house. A huge BLACK COP shuffles in his seat, not wanting to be seen crying. Wally runs on stage. 97. WALLY AS THE HUSBAND Come quick. Tree Finger Running Bull has returned from his council. He’s agreed to teach us the rain dance. INT. STAGE - LATER Wally, Joy and Rachel dance the rain dance on stage. Wally, intense, dances as if he actually expects rain. James Lipton is off stage wobbling a large piece of METAL and turns the LIGHTS on and off. He’s also holding a HOSE. WALLY It is working, my wife. Keep dancing. We've got to keep dancing. Our town depends upon it. James Lipton turns on the hose. Water pours down on the actors on stage. Everyone runs off stage. Wally immediately reappears. Wally (cont’d) And that is how the Dell family charged by my great, great, great grandfather, braved the elements and befriended the restless natives in the 1870s to save the town of Eufala. Wally takes a bow. The audience applauds. Two giant COPS immediately tackle Wally to the ground. They pin his arms back and shove a boot in his face. Wally's got that goofy grin spread across his face. All he cares about is that the audience loves him. EXT. OLD THEATRE - LATER Wally is handcuffed and lead towards a squad car. Joy and Rachel run up to him and hug him. JOY I’m so proud of you, Wally. 98. WALLY I couldn’t have done it without you two. When you saved me up there I really felt like we were a team. It made me realize that I shouldn’t have tried to do this by myself. We’re a family, and soon as I get out of jail, I want to start acting like one again. RACHEL I love you, dad. JOY I love you, Wally. Wally puts his handcuffed arms around Joy. WALLY And of course you weren’t cheating on me with Steve Steele... He looks right at Joy. WALLY Right? JOY Of course not. They kiss. The Captain grabs Wally and puts him into a squad car. James Lipton and the actors approach the Captain. JAMES LIPTON We do not want to press charges against this man. JERICHO You’re so brave, Wally. The Captain slams the door in Wally’s face. Wally’s smile from inside the cop car is a mile long. CUT TO: Lou Glutz enters the alleyway. He sees PEOPLE laughing, talking about how “great” and “funny” Wally Dell was in the show. 99. Frantic, he makes his way through the crowd. LOU GLUTZ Hold it. Hold it. I’m this man’s agent. Lou points a finger at Brent. LOU GLUTZ I’ll deal with you in a second. Lou cuts in front of Rachel and Joy and talks to the Captain. LOU GLUTZ You can’t arrest this man. CAPTAIN Who are you? LOU GLUTZ I’m his agent. Lou faces Wally in the squad car. LOU GLUTZ I’m going to sign you, we’re going to make each other rich. Joy and Rachel stare at each other, confused. CAPTAIN Mr. Dell, you know this man? Lou Glutz stares hard at the Captain, then at Wally. He smiles at Wally. From inside the squad car Wally says: WALLY Never seen him before, Captain. My agent is right over there. Wally, still handcuffed, points to Brent. The Captain pushes Lou out of the way. CAPTAIN All right move it. All you people back. The sirens sound off. The crowd backs away as the squad car carrying Wally drives off. 100. Joy approaches the Captain. JOY What’s going to happen to my husband? CAPTAIN He’ll get about three months. The Captain smiles at Joy. CAPTAIN (cont’d) I’ll put in a good word with the judge. Lou stares angrily at Brent. He starts to walk towards him when a flock of pigeons fly overhead and crap all over Lou’s face and head. FADE TO BLACK: EXT. HIGHWAY 12 - CAR - MOVING - DAY Super: Three Months Later Joy drives down Highway 12. Wally rides shotgun. He still wears his orange prison jumpsuit. Rachel’s in the back seat. INT. CAR - MOVING - DAY Wally, with his head out of the window, breathes in the Kansas air. WALLY Oh, it’s good to be home. He’s excited to be out of jail. He bounces up and down, can’t contain himself he’s so happy. WALLY ...so I joined the Harlem Crips and I got this cool tatoo. Wally opens the jumpsuit to reveal a tatoo of a long-legged woman with her legs spread. RACHEL Cool. Joy is not pleased. 101. WALLY They let me keep my jumpsuit. I love it against my naked skin. Jail’s not so bad. Actually, I shouldn’t say jail, it’s prison. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I was someone’s bitch for a few weeks but that kind of just took care of itself. Wally shifts in his seat. WALLY You got my new script pages? JOY I got ‘em. I like the new play, Wally. It’s good. Beat. Wally (cont’d) (pumped up) Yes! (reflecting) I am so sorry I put everyone through this whole mess. RACHEL It’s okay, dad. Wally You’re the best family a guy could ever have. EXT. CAR - MOVING - DAY Joy’s car exits the freeway. The car passes a sign: WELCOME TO EUFALA, KANSAS. EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY The town of Eufala has completely changed. Where there were once boarded up windows and empty streets, a booming town filled with PEOPLE and cars hog up the roadway. Wally can’t believe this either. WALLY Look at that. 102. A sign reads: WELCOME TO EUFALA, HOME OF WALLY DELL. WALLY That’s me. Joy parks the car in front of Wally’s old theatre. Wally’s face lights up. They all get out of the car. The marquee on Wally’s theatre reads: OFF BROADWAY. WALLY Off Broadway, that’s my new play. Rachel’s cell phone rings. She answers it. RACHEL (on phone) Hi. We just drove by. He loves it. WALLY Who is that? RACHEL It’s Brent, daddy. He wants to know if you like the theatre? Wally and Joy stare at each other and smile. WALLY Tell ‘em I love it. RACHEL (on phone) He loves it. I gotta go. I’ll call you back. Bye. Rachel hangs up the phone. The Reverend, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Mayor Jenson and the whole town are out to greet Wally. MAYOR JENSON Welcome home, son. WALLY (to Joy) What is all this? MAYOR JENSON You put the town of Eufala on the map. Because of your antics we’re all famous. 103. Wally lets the moment soak in. WALLY (super cheesy) I guess if you don’t stop believing in your dreams, and you have such wonderful people in your life like all of you guys here, anything in life is possible. Wally spins to the camera. He looks right at us. He shoots us his patented secret smile. He, the whole town of Eufala, and all the background TOURISTS start to sing “Don’t Stop Believing” by super-group Journey. We see a ridiculous dance number over the credits. The End