June Day

June Day by Robby Kushner & Josh Levine Contact Info: Brandon Stein The Agency Group 1880 Century Park East Suite 711 Los Angeles, CA 90067 Tel -310-385-2800 BrandonStein@theagencygroup.com WGA RegisteredINSERT: BACK IN THE DAY... INT. KOZAK HOUSE -NIGHT MICHAEL KOZAK (12) and JAY MARKS (12) stand nervously in front of a closed bedroom DOOR. A collage of 80s BUMPER STICKERS and BANNERS can be seen. Michael knocks. MICHAEL Dan? Are you in there? DAN (O.S.) You may enter. The boys enter the room. INT. BEDROOM -CONTINUOUS DAN KOZAK (16) sits on a lay-z-boy chair, feet up, smoking a CLOVE CIGARETTE. A light from a ceiling fan spotlights him. The fan swirls the smoke around in the room. Dan looks them over. DAN What do you scrubs want? MICHAEL Jay wants to ask you a question. JAY No, I don’t. MICHAEL Just ask. Michael coughs because of the clove smoke. MICHAEL (cont’d) What’s that smell. DAN It’s a clove. MICHAEL Mom’s gonna kill you. Dan takes a drag, playing it cool.2. DAN Mom’s not home. He puts the cigarette out in an ashtray and purposefully on accident drops his brand new DRIVER’S LICENSE onto the floor. DAN (cont’d) Oh, I’m sorry, what a klutz I am. He picks it up slowly, flaunting it in front of the boys. Their eyes widen with awe. MICHAEL Rad. You got your license. Michael reaches for it. Dan pulls it back. DAN Whoa! I don’t think so, nimrod. What’s your question? Jay shuffles. Michael nudges him. JAY Tell us about Ted Lavender. Dan laughs and leans back in his chair, coolly flipping his driver’s license over and over again with his fingers. DAN The guru of June Day, huh. You wanna know about the guru? On one condition. MICHAEL Anything. DAN You both have to hit each other as hard as you can. The boys look at each other. MICHAEL Aw, Dan. DAN That’s the price. You wants the info I wants the show. Jay’s game. He exposes his arm for Michael. Dan is amused. Michael punches Jay softly. 3. (MORE) DAN (cont’d) You pussy! You call that a hit? Do it harder. Michael punches Jay really hard in the arm. JAY Ow, shit! Dan laughs. Michael exposes his arm. Jay reels back and accidently hits Michael in the neck. DAN Excellent! Michael tumbles over, breathing erratically. DAN (cont’d) Okay, you’ve earned it. Sit down, make yourselves at home. The boys, still rubbing their arm and neck, sit down. Dan fumbles while lighting another clove. DAN (cont’d) I met the guru last summer when I was flipping burgers at Barney’s. He came in everyday... FLASHBACK: INT. BARNEY’S FAST FOOD RESTAURANT -DAY Dan, in a Barney’s uniform, stands at the counter like an idiot. The door to the fast food restaurant opens. The summer wind kicks up the loose napkins and paper plates. In walks TED LAVENDER (21) with TWO BABES wearing bikinis on either arm. He walks up to Dan. TED LAVENDER Hey, Dan, what’s the word on the street? DAN Hey, Ted, not much, just workin’. Staying cool. TED LAVENDER Cool! Ha. You call working cool? I’ve never worked a day in my life and look at me. 4. TED LAVENDER(cont'd) I got babes on my arms, I live at the beach, and I do whatever I want, whenever I want. That’s cool, man. Dan’s eyes are wide open. Someone’s finally spoken the truth. TED LAVENDER (cont’d) I’m living the dream, bro. Every day is a “June Day.” The two babes take off their bikini tops and start making out with Ted Lavender. END FLASHBACK: INT. KOZAK HOUSE -NIGHT Michael and Jay stop Dan’s story. MICHAEL No way. JAY They didn’t take their tops off. DAN Oh, they took off their tops. I was there. I saw it. But that’s not the point. There was an important lesson that I learned that day. You kids wanna know what that lesson was? Michael and Jay nod in unison. DAN (cont’d) The working man is a sucker and the nine to five job blows. FADE TO BLACK: INSERT DICTIONARY DEFINITION: JUNE DAY (JOON DA) N. 1. ANY DAY OF THE YEAR IN WHICH ONE DOES NOT HAVE A JOB. ADJ. 2. THE DESIRE TO POSTPONE THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF LIFE. V. 3. TO MAINTAIN ONE’S LIFESTYLE BY DOING THE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM REQUIRED. FADE TO BLACK: INSERT: PRESENT DAY5. EXT. CITY STREET -DAY Michael and Jay, now in their mid-20s, are in the middle of a conversation as they walk down a city street. Michael carries a BROWN BAG. MICHAEL Can dogs be retarded? JAY What? MICHAEL Like, could a dog get Down’s Syndrome or something? JAY I guess. I’ve never really thought about it. MICHAEL Wouldn’t it be weird if a dog had Turrets? I mean that thing would be barking all the time and no one would know it was a retard. Michael and Jay turn onto a residential street. MICHAEL (cont’d) Anyway... (beat) Tell me something. JAY What? MICHAEL What if she’s really ugly? JAY If she’s ugly then I ask for my money back.MICHAEL You haven’t paid anyone anything. JAY These guys have a lot of money. They do this shit three, six times a year. It’s not good business to smuggle ugly girls.6. INT. SPRING CHICKEN RETIREMENT RESORT -MOMENTS LATER Michael and Jay enter a RETIREMENT HOME. OLD PEOPLE sit in chairs in the lobby. They walk in as if they have been here before, unaffected by their surroundings. MICHAEL ...but this is marriage. JAY This is not just marriage, it’s a free trip to Thailand and guaranteed sex with a chick who doesn’t speak English. MICHAEL (jealous) I wanna have sex with a chick who doesn’t speak English. They approach an obese man, LOUIS (30), behind a desk. MICHAEL (cont’d) Morning, Louis. Michael pulls out an EGG MCMUFFIN from the brown bag and tosses it to Louis. LOUIS Thanks, boys. You sure know how to make a fat man happy. JAY No problem.LOUIS Who’s it going to be today? Michael pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. He looks at a list of names, some of which have been crossed off. MICHAEL Ah... Abe Williams? LOUIS Sorry. He died on Tuesday. Michael crosses a line through Abe Williams. MICHAEL What about Maxwell Mooney? 7. LOUIS Still with us. Room 31. INT. HALLWAY -CONTINUOUS Michael and Jay walk down a hallway, passing by several rooms. Inside one of the rooms an old woman yells: OLD WOMAN (O.S.) For the love of Christ, I want to die! Inside these bleak rooms are catatonic OLD PEOPLE watching TV. Every TV is tuned to M.A.S.H. Michael quickly ducks into one of the rooms. INT. MICHAEL’S GRANDPA’S ROOM -CONTINUOUS Michael’s Grandfather (85) sits in a chair watching M.A.S.H. Michael runs up to him and gives him a hug. MICHAEL Hey, Grandpa. What’s up? Grandpa does not answer. MICHAEL (cont’d) We’ll take you over to the house in a little while. Jay and I are going to hang with Mr. Mooney. Michael takes a BIG MAC out of the brown bag and puts it on Grandpa’s lap. MICHAEL (cont’d) Don’t let them see you with this. Jay pokes his head in the room and waves. JAY Hey, Mr. Kozak, you coming over to the house later? Grandpa is still fixated on the TV. GRANDPA Ah... what do I need with that? I don’t know nothing of nothing. 8. MICHAEL That’s nice. See you soon. Michael exits the room. INT. MAXWELL MOONEY’S ROOM -CONTINUOUS Michael and Jay open the door to room 31 where MAXWELL MOONEY (80) is by the window, trying to escape. Michael runs over to Mr. Mooney and helps him sit on the bed. MR. MOONEY (confused) Are you my wife? MICHAEL No, Mr. Mooney, we’re here to hang out with you. MR. MOONEY What the hell does that mean? MICHAEL We’re here to listen to you talk about life.MR. MOONEY Life can suck my wrinkled ball. Why do you want to hear me talk? JAY We’ve got nothing else to do and it’s cheaper than going to the movies. MR. MOONEY You mean this isn’t one of those community things... you fellas don’t work here? MICHAEL Nope. Michael and Jay sit down in the guest chairs. They hand Mr. Mooney a MILK SHAKE. They take out their own LUNCH and dig in. MICHAEL (cont’d) So, whenever you’re ready.9. MR. MOONEY (apprehensive) Okay then... Mr. Mooney sips on his milk shake. MR. MOONEY (cont’d) ... back in ‘32 I used to court a girl whose mother had the nicest set of china... Mr. Mooney passes the longest, airiest fart. MR. MOONEY (cont’d) Don’t mind me if I pass a few, the old sphincter don’t work the way she used to. (beat) Where was I? Oh yeah, FDR was in the White House but nobody could tell if I was breathing so they kept hitting me. But I was alive, damn them! Back then things were different... Michael and Jay look on riveted. FADE TO BLACK: EXT. SUBURB -DAY Super: Three Months Later It is a warm summer day. In an upper-class, suburban neighborhood is a beautiful street overlooking a city. We see the typical Monday morning grind taking place. We see a LARGE BLUE HOUSE. Michael bursts out of the front door. He jumps over a DOG in the front yard and hops inside his 1989 CHRYSLER FIFTH AVENUE. The car RUMBLES to a start and backs out of the long driveway, but HITS a tree. A few moments pass, Michael gets out of the wrecked car and runs back into the house. A moment later the garage door opens and a DIFFERENT CAR backs down the driveway with Michael driving. Michael passes a MOVING TRUCK parked on the road in front of a BIG YELLOW HOUSE across the street. A COUPLE (40s) gives instructions to the MOVERS. 10. EXT. SCHOOL -LATER Michael’s car pulls up to a school. He hops out of the car. EXT. STAIRS -DAY Michael walks up a flight of stairs. As if by routine, he stops mid-way and looks into an office window. INT. OFFICE -CONTINUOUS JOYCE (25), a cute, redheaded girl, sits at a desk. EXT. STAIRS -CONTINUOUS Hiding, Michael stares at Joyce. From Michael’s POV he sees a little BOY approach her holding out his finger. Joyce takes the boy’s finger and puts it in her mouth. She starts sucking on his finger. Michael can’t believe his eyes. He does a double take and sees that in actuality she is wrapping the boy’s finger in a Band-Aid. He shakes off the day dream and continues upstairs. INT. CLASSROOM -DAY Eight prim and proper KOREAN CHILDREN sit attentively in their seats. Michael enters the classroom. MICHAEL All right, guys. We have a big day in front of us. We’re going to learn about colors. One of the students raises his hand in protest. KOREAN KID #1 (thick accent) But teacher --KOREAN KID #2 No. Please, teacher. MICHAEL Ah! No lip. Just do it or I’ll tell Mr. Yu you misbehaved. 11. Just then MR. YU (40s), a squat, evil-looking Korean man walks by the window. He peers inside the class. The kids gasp with fright. Michael snaps into his “teaching” routine. MICHAEL (cont’d) Very good, Albert. Nebraska is the capitol of Idaho. Who else can name a capitol? Mr. Yu, satisfied, walks away. Michael is relieved. KOREAN KID #1 Teacher, what is a capitol? MICHAEL It’s not important. Michael pulls an industrial-sized trash bag from underneath the desk. MICHAEL (cont’d) Everyone get up and move your desks to the wall. The kids reluctantly do as their told. MICHAEL (cont’d) That’s right, make plenty of room. Michael dumps millions of RAINBOW SPRINKLES onto the classroom floor. MICHAEL (cont’d) (excited) Are you ready to separate the colors! The kids groan. KOREAN KID #1 But, teacher we already know about the colors. Red, blue, orange--MICHAEL Good job. Have at it, I’ll be right back. Michael goes to the door. The coast is clear. He exits. The kids go to work.12. EXT. AIRPORT -DAY Michael’s car zigs and zags through airport traffic and screeches to a halt in front of Jay and MING (18) who wait by a curb. MING is Thai, wide-eyed and beautiful. She looks overwhelmed by her surroundings. Michael gets out of his car to greet his friend. The two men embrace. JAY I’m glad you’re here. (beat) Mike, I want you to meet somebody. Jay puts his arm around Ming. JAY (cont’d) This is Ming. She’s my sugar plum, baby mama. She doesn’t understand a word I’m saying. I don’t know if it’s possible to be in love with someone you can’t talk to, but I think it’s real. MICHAEL (sarcastically) Sure, Jay. JAY No, I’m serious. I just spent fifteen hours on a plane with her. I’ve never spent that much time with a woman before. Once I got a couple of Mai Tais into her... ooh, wait, listen to this. (to Ming) What... makes... Jay... HAPPY? A slight pause as Ming concentrates. MING Blow... job? JAY (excited) I can’t wait to get home. Mike, I think I can spend the rest of my life with her. Michael giggles.13. MICHAEL Let’s get this stuff in the car. Dan wants to see you. JAY How’s old Dan doin’? CUT TO: INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY DAN KOZAK, now in his late-20s, looks disheveled and wears a robe. He stands above an ANSWERING MACHINE erasing messages. VOICE ON MACHINE (O.S.) Hi. This message is for Dan Kozak. This is Butch Griffin with Alliance Communicated Corporate Agencies, I’ve seen your resume and... Dan erases the message. VOICE ON MACHINE #2 (O.S.) Yes, this is Eileen at Registered Alliance Technology Services Incorporated and I have just received your faxed resume and I would just love... Dan erases this message, too. VOICE ON MACHINE #3 (O.S.) Mr. Kozak this is Mr. Jefferies calling you again from the Spring Chicken Retirement Resort. It is important that we set up an appointment to discuss your grandfather. I can be reached at 555-6097. Thank you. In the same message, a VOICE can be heard in the background. BACKGROUND VOICE ON MACHINE (O.S.) For the love of Christ, I want to die! The machine BEEPS indicating the end of the messages. Dan ruffles his hair and mopes to the cabinet where he takes out a bottle of TEQUILA. He sits on the couch and turns on the TV. ANTI-DEPRESSION MEDICATION is lined up on the table. One by one he pops the pills and downs them with the tequila.14. The end of The Breakfast Club is on TV, the part where Molly Ringwald kisses Judd Nelson. Dan watches in disgust. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -CONTINUOUS Michael, Jay, and Ming walk in through the front door. Dan mutes the television, gets up, and staggers over to them. Dan puts his hand on Jay’s shoulder. DAN Jay... There is an awkward pause. DAN (cont’d) Life is not an eighties movie. John Hughes can go fuck himself. (to Ming) It’s very nice to meet you. Dan drinks from the bottle of tequila and walks upstairs. DAN (cont’d) Mike, Grandpa’s up in the den and we have a meeting tomorrow at his home. I think it might be important. I’m going to go be alone now... Dan continues to talk even though he is out of ear shot. Michael and Jay share a confused look. They set the suitcases next to the stairs and walk into the living room. Jay pats his leg and Ming scurries to stand by his side. JAY What’s up with him? MICHAEL Our trust fund is running a little low. Plus the guy’s getting old. He’s actually looking for a job. JAY What about Ted Lavender? What about the June Day dream? MICHAEL I know, it’s kind of scaring me. If I get like that, you shoot me. 15. JAY What’s been going on the last couple of months? MICHAEL Aside from unemployment and nervous stomach cramps I’ve got this temp gig teaching Korean kids English. Cash under the table. Michael remembers he left the kids at school alone. MICHAEL (cont’d) Oh fuck! I forgot to go back. CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM -THAT MOMENT Five huge stacks of sprinkles have been separated out perfectly. The kids are back in their seats waiting patiently for Michael to return. CUT BACK TO: Michael shrugs. MICHAEL Whatever. JAY Nice. Can you hook me up? MICHAEL Hell no, go find your own scam. JAY Not if I have to work for it. Ming, you delicious little kumquat, come over here. Jay gives Ming a squeeze. JAY (cont’d) Michael, don’t be surprised if some Thai officials stop by to check up on things. You know, to make sure we’re feeding her and everything. Mike pats Jay on the arm.16. MICHAEL Cool beans. Go relax, the kitchen is yours. If you need anything just holler. JAY I don’t know what we’d do without you, Mikey.MICHAEL Don’t mention it, bro. I’m glad you’re gonna be around. Jay and Ming grab their bags and head upstairs. Michael takes a bag of chips from the cabinet and walks over to the couch. As he turns the TV on SCREAMS are heard from up stairs. INT. DEN -CONTINUOUS Michael enters the den. Grandpa is hiding behind a chair. GRANDPA Incoming, Incoming! Ming is up against the wall shaking with terror. Michael runs to Grandpa and helps him up. MICHAEL No, Grandpa. This is Ming. Jay’s new wife. GRANDPA What? MICHAEL Jay’s new wife. Jay walks in laughing at the situation. Ming is petrified as he escorts her out of the room. Michael sits Grandpa on the couch. MICHAEL (cont’d) Grandpa, there’s nothing to worry about. You need to relax. You weren’t even in a war. DAN (O.S.) Put on one of his videos.17. MICHAEL Grandpa, how about one of your videos? I’ll put one in for you. Grandpa starts to calm down. Michael goes to the VCR and puts in a worn VIDEO labelled M.A.S.H. Michael KISSES his grandfather on the forehead. MICHAEL (cont’d) I’ll come and check on you later. Michael exits the den. As the movie begins, Grandpa gets giddy and relaxes into a comfortable position. INT. HALLWAY -CONTINUOUS Michael walks down the hallway passing Jay’s room. JAY Hey, Mikey, I forgot to ask how Sarah’s doing? MICHAEL She’s great! Things have never been better. QUICK CUT: INT. RESTAURANT -DAY SARAH (25), a bitchy blonde girl sits opposite Michael in a restaurant. SARAH (angry) You suck! My life has never sucked worse and it’s because of you. MICHAEL (confused) What?!18. SARAH You fuck around all day with your stupid June Day buddies, you don’t have a real job, you don’t have any aspirations and I suddenly realized that you’re not even that cute. MICHAEL Where’s this coming from? SARAH Listen, Michael, I’m twenty five years old. Do you know how many weddings I’ve been to this year? Do you know how many weddings I’ve been in? All my friends are getting married to lawyers and doctors and Rhonda just got engaged to a scientist! MICHAEL Wow. A scientist. Michael is impressed. MICHAEL (cont’d) Wait a minute! You’re telling me that you’re gonna throw away three years because I’m not a scientist? SARAH No, Michael, I’m throwing away three years with you because you’re not anything! Sarah gets up to leave. Michael stares after her, dumbfounded. His cell phone rings. He answer it. MICHAEL What? DAN (O.S.) Hey, dipshit. Stop playing house with your little girlfriend and get back here. We have a meeting with some guy at Grandpa’s home. Michael hangs up. He looks defeated.19. INT. SPRING CHICKEN RETIREMENT HOME -DAY Michael and Dan sit in front of a LARGE OAK DESK. Michael looks like a guy whose girlfriend just broke up with him. Dan doesn’t look much better. MR. JEFFERIES (50s), the retirement home director, sits across from them. He has a snooty demeanor that makes the boys feel uncomfortable. MR. JEFFERIES Thank you for coming to meet with me, gentleman. As I’m sure you know from the letters we have sent you, at the end of the month we will be closing down the Spring Chicken Retirement Home. MICHAEL Letters? CUT TO: INT. KOZAK LIVING ROOM -DAY FOLDED LETTERS are wedged in between a VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE and the CONSOLE, keeping it from slipping out. CUT BACK TO: INT. SPRING CHICKEN RETIREMENT HOME -DAY MICHAEL Grandpa loves it here. You can’t shut it down. Where will he go? MR. JEFFERIES There are many wonderful facilities in the area, or maybe he can live with you? MICHAEL I’m not wiping his ass. And we can’t afford those other places. You guys already took all of his money.20. DAN Why would you close this place down? You’ve got tons of old people here. Mr. Jefferies looks uncomfortable. MR. JEFFERIES Yes... well... CUT TO: INT. INDIAN CASINO -DAY The following montage consists of quick shots of Mr. Jefferies gambling with the retirement home’s money. Mr. Jefferies winning at Craps. Mr. Jefferies winning at blackjack. Mr. Jefferies winning at roulette. Mr. Jefferies losing at roulette. Mr. Jefferies losing at blackjack. Mr. Jefferies playing craps in an alley with GANG MEMBERS and losing. Mr. Jefferies sitting on the curb, crying. CUT BACK TO: INT. SPRING CHICKEN RETIREMENT HOME -DAY Mr. Jeffries adjusts his tie. MR. JEFFERIES Unfortunately, charitable donations are down. People just don’t want to give money to help old people any more. Rare diseases and retarded children are the new fad. DAN Fuckin’ retards. 21. MR. JEFFERIES Yes... so... you’ll have to have Mr. Kozak packed and ready to go by the end of the month. If there’s anything we can do to make this transition easier just let us know. MICHAEL There’s got to be something that can be done. This is Grandpa’s home, and we’ve been coming here for years to hang out with your invalids. MR. JEFFERIES Unfortunately, the money required to maintain the facility is quite substantial. DAN (irritated) Great, Grandpa’s moving in with us. This sucks. MICHAEL He does hang out at the house all the time. I guess it wouldn’t be much different. MR. JEFFERIES Mr. Kozak requires quite a bit of care. You boys have given enemas before? INT. CAR -DAY Michael drives with a catatonic look on his face while Dan cries in the passenger seat. DAN I think I'm going to throw up. MICHAEL You are a seriously depressed individual.DAN What the hell are we going to do? This is the end of the world. He’s totally gonna cramp my style. 22. MICHAEL What style?DAN He’s gonna make the house smell. He’s gonna whine. We’ll have to child proof the kitchen. How are we gonna find a new place for him by the end of the month? Where the hell are we going to get the money? MICHAEL This kind of stuff works itself out. We’ve been creative enough to get by in life this far. DAN My life sucks. Michael stares blankly at the road. He looks sullen. MICHAEL Sarah broke up with me. DAN That makes me feel better, gimme some more stuff like that. MICHAEL Dude, I’m serious. She broke up with me. DAN I’m not surprised. You weren’t very happy with her. MICHAEL I was happy. DAN Bullshit. MICHAEL Like you know anything about it. DAN I’m gonna tell it to you straight. Only because you two are no longer together I can call her a whore. That whore put pressure on you to change your lifestyle for too many years. You weren’t happy. And trust me, Mike, I know lack of happiness.23. MICHAEL My life sucks. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Michael and Dan pull into their driveway. Michael’s wrecked car is wrapped around the tree, still smoking. Across the street, PARTY SUPPLY TRUCKS are parked outside of the big yellow house. The same couple from before now gets ready for some kind of elegant party. The boys give a polite wave to their new neighbors as they enter their house. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Dan, moping, heads upstairs. Michael looks around the house. MICHAEL Jay? EXT. KOZAK BACKYARD -DAY Jay, Ming and Grandpa lounge by the pool. Grandpa is dressed in Bermuda shorts, knee high black socks, and a helmet that holds two beers. However, instead of beer, there are two cans of ENSURE VITAMIN SUPPLEMENT. Ming wears a tiny BIKINI. She has a great body. Three flamboyant men, BRUCE JOHNSON (50s) asian, JEAN CLAUDE JOHNSON (50s) white, and BRUCE JOHNSON (50s) black, who live next door, come in the side gate carrying BBQ SIDE DISHES. They are a married partnership of three. BRUCE (ASIAN) Hey, the party has arrived. JAY Hi Mr., Mr., and Mr. Johnson? What’s up? JEAN CLAUDE Well, Bruce and Bruce were, but I took care of that this morning. The Johnsons giggle. The others do not. 24. JAY No work today? JEAN CLAUDE We sold that nasty little property on the corner today and we’re here to --BRUCE (BLACK) CELEBRATE! BRUCE (ASIAN) (cont’d) And we just knew you boys were hanging out today, it being a Wednesday and all. The three men go over to the BBQ area and within seconds turn it into a lavish buffet with decorations. JAY All right. Thanks, guys. BRUCE (BLACK) Not a prob! Michael enters his backyard. JEAN CLAUDE Hey, Mikey.MICHAEL Ladies. Michael walks passed Jay and says: MICHAEL (cont’d) I need to go to General Cartwright’s. Michael stops in front of the Johnsons. MICHAEL (cont’d) Hey can you guys watch grandpa for a little while? JEAN CLAUDE With pleasure. CUT TO:25. (MORE) INT. DAN’S BEDROOM -CONTINUOUS Dan’s room has not changed since Jr. High. He mopes over to his computer. He brings up a MATCHMAKER website on the Internet. He finds many responses in his in-box. As he opens the attached pictures he is horrified by the hideous FACES of the women looking back at him. Frustrated, he decides to search for Internet porn. Dan takes off his pants. As he looks at pictures of naked girls, POP-UP ADS keep interfering. DAN (annoyed) No. No. No. MARTA (50), their maid, walks in catching Dan sitting with his pants around his ankles at the computer. Dan starts to SCREAM and attempts to lift up his pants. She begins to SCREAM, too. MARTA Ay, Dios mio! DAN Oh, my God! Dan struggles to get his pants on. MARTA Ay, Dios mio! DAN Oh, my God! EXT. KOZAK BACKYARD -DAY Michael and Jay walk to General Cartwright’s house next door. Ming is in tow. MICHAEL Three years. How am I gonna get over her? JAY Dude, that whore, I can call her a whore now that you’re broken up with her, that whore was no good anyway. 26. JAY(cont'd) Now that I’ve found true love I can safely say you were never in love with Sarah. Michael rolls his eyes. JAY (cont’d) Now that you’re single who you gonna waste your babies in next? MICHAEL Damn it, man, she just broke up with me! JAY Okay, so? She just broke up with you. You’re telling me there’s no one else out there you wanna throw your junk in? Michael hesitates. JAY (cont’d) Say it. I know you’re thinking about someone. MICHAEL There is this girl at work. Her name is Joyce. JAY Joyce. Hm. Does she swallow? Michael ignores Jay’s comment. EXT. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT’S GUEST HOUSE -CONTINUOUS Michael, Jay and Ming enter the backyard of General Cartwright’s mother’s house. They walk over to a GUEST HOUSE and knock on the door. MICHAEL You sure about bringing Ming inside? JAY She’s got to learn sometime. I mean this is a part of who I am. It’ll be a good cultural experience. A PRE-RECORDED VOICE is heard coming from a small speaker. A scratchy recording of Taps accompanies. 27. RECORDED VOICE On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the scout law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight. Michael and Jay roll their eyes, they’ve heard this before. The door opens suddenly and standing in the doorway is GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (35) who wears a boy scout uniform and salutes. He has a three-day beard and looks like he hasn’t bathed in a while. There is a psychotically gentle tone to his demeanor. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Comrades. The General looks around for spies that aren’t there. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (cont’d) Come on in. The group enters the guest house. INT. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT’S GUEST HOUSE -DAY The guest house is decorated in an army barrack fashion with a touch of country charm. In the center of the room is a plush floral couch and two foldable canvas chairs. Pictures of horrific war crimes decorate the walls, save two, a picture of a cute family of penguins, and a portrait of his homely Mother. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Please sit down, take a load off. Can I offer anyone an Arnold Palmer? MICHAEL Sure. That sounds great. JAY Thanks, man. General Cartwright walks over to a kitchenette and prepares the drinks. He then walks over to an intercom on the wall and presses the talk button. 28. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (into the intercom) Mom, is it okay if a coupla friends hang out for a bit? MRS. CARTWRIGHT (O.S.) Did you finish the afghan yet? General Cartwright slaps his forehead. CUT TO: Next to a wicker rocking chair is an unfinished afghan blanket. Half of a picture of a dolphin is visible. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Yes. MRS. CARTWRIGHT (O.S.) Okay then, but don’t let them touch anything. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT I wouldn’t dream of it. (Beat) I love you, mom. Mrs. Cartwright does not answer. The sound of the speaker hanging up is heard. A bit embarrassed and hurt by his conversation with his Mom, General Cartwright shakes it off and heads back to the group. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (cont’d) So, then. (to Ming) This must be the famous Mrs. Jay Marks. General Cartwright walks over to Ming and gives her a big hug. She is bothered by his smell and scruffy facial hair that he rubs all over her. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (cont’d) (passionate) You lucky girl, you. Do you know how important these guys are to me? They basically saved my life. If it wasn’t for them I would still be sucking cock for crack and molesting small boys. 29. General Cartwright clenches his eyes shut as his hug becomes tighter. Ming looks like she might pass out. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (cont’d) But these guys... (tearing up) ...these guys came around and showed me Jesus. My life has never been the same. Jay and Michael giggle. MICHAEL Speaking of Jesus, where is he? General Cartwright drops Ming and goes over to a shrine like cabinet. He reveals a BONG in the shape of Jesus. EXT. KOZAK BACKYARD -LATER Bruce, Bruce and Jean Claude lay out next to the pool. Grandpa is asleep in the lounge chair. Michael, Jay, Ming, and General Cartwright sit in the jacuzzi, stoned. No one sits next to General Cartwright because of his excessive body hair floating in the water. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT You guys check out those new neighbors across the street? MICHAEL Looks like they have some pretty nice stuff.JAY I saw a bunch of party things lying around. General Cartwright QUICKLY leans in to tell the group something private. Ming flinches at his motion. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Well I’ve been watching them for the past few days. Do you know that they threw three parties since they moved in last week? MICHAEL Maybe they’re family get-togethers?30. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT That’s exactly what they want us to think. Last night while I was doing my midnight astrological mapping, you know, to get my nature badge for the Dysfunctional Adults Anonymous Scouts, I noticed some ritzy people entering that place. There were even bodyguards at the door with those little ear thingies... FLASHBACK: EXT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -NIGHT A LARGE MAN wears a dark suit and stands at the front door of the big yellow house. He adjusts his earpiece as he greets a distinguished ELDERLY COUPLE who enter the elegant party. The large man hears RUFFLING coming from bushes nearby. As he pushes aside a plant, he sees General Cartwright masturbating while jumping up to get a better vantage point through a window that’s too high for him. LARGE MAN What the... General Cartwright looks over at the large man and SCREAMS in such a high pitch that it sounds like a girl. Without pulling up his pants he runs off into the darkness. END FLASHBACK: EXT. KOZAK BACKYARD -DAY GENERAL CARTWRIGHT I’m telling you, man. Something was going on over there. I don’t trust those people. MICHAEL (goading) They probably work for the Russians and are looking through your garbage, waiting for the moment to strike. Michael and Jay share a smile. 31. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT That’s what I was thinking, too. Out of nowhere Ming begins to speak in Thai. She is stoned out of her mind. MING (subtitled) Where am I? Who are you people? I don’t even know what’s going on. The group has no idea what she is saying. JAY Isn’t that cute? It sounds like poetry. INT. LIVING ROOM -EVENING Marta cleans the kitchen as Dan and Jay sit in the living room. Marta gives Dan a dirty look. Ming is passed out on the couch next to Jay. Michael, frustrated, is on the phone with a PHONE BOOK in his lap. Several Retirement Home listings have been crossed out. MICHAEL (on the phone) ... but that’s so expensive. I can’t believe it costs that much. A couple of thousand maybe. Hello? (to Dan) She hung up on me. DAN How much? MICHAEL They’re all the same. Like twenty grand. I can’t understand how it costs so much to take care of an old person. They just sit there and don’t do anything. JAY Maybe Grandpa should just stay here with us. 32. DAN (sarcastically) Oh sure, we can give him his meds, and wipe his ass, and all that stuff with the fluids, it’ll be just like ER. That’s just what I need in my life. MICHAEL Anyway they told us he needs special care. We need to take care of this right away. DAN The only thing we have of any kind of value is this house. Maybe we can take out a second mortgage. JAY That sounds complicated. MICHAEL Stop right there. We’re not selling our parents house. It’s the only thing mom and dad left us. I’m sure we can find another way. Michael looks back at Marta, then to Dan. Marta notices the boys looking at her. Dan waves. MARTA (to herself, subtitled) Pervert. She continues to clean. MICHAEL Well, we’re going to have to let Marta go. It’s just one of the many things we’re going to have to give up if we’re going to be able to afford to put Grandpa into another home. DAN No, Mike. Our whole lives will go out of whack. Marta’s been with us forever. 33. MICHAEL You think I want to clean this place and wash my clothes? Fuck no. I don’t even know how. JAY Why don’t we have Ming do it? I’m sure she must have experience from back home, I mean with the sweat shops and all. These people have a wonderful work ethic. Ming sleeps quietly next to Jay. MICHAEL That wouldn’t be right. I wouldn’t feel comfortable. JAY It’s the least she can do. You guys are letting us stay here for free. DAN Shouldn’t we ask her if she would want to do it? JAY You have to train ‘em like a puppy. Start them early and they’ll never forget. She doesn’t know how things work around here. She’ll think that’s what she’s supposed to do. Jay looks aside as if remembering something. JAY (cont’d) You should have seen her when we first met. They were lined up, you know, with all of the other potential wives-to-be, and I was having the hardest time choosing... FLASHBACK: INT. BROTHEL -NIGHT There are MANY GIRLS lined up along the wall of a raunchy Thai brothel. SATAY (30), a tiny, Thai pimp who looks like a used car salesman, shows Jay the girls. 34. Satay and Jay approach a horrifically UGLY GIRL. Jay does not notice her yet, he is looking through his So You’re Getting A Mail-Order Bride brochure. SATAY (thick accent) This one is gem. She look like week old dead corpse, but cook like Iron Chef. Jay looks up and is shocked by her appearance. JAY Oh, my God! What else you got? Satay brings Jay over to a girl in a wheelchair. She has no arms or legs, a patch over one eye, and drools. SATAY (thick accent) You take this one and we throw in free trip to Vegas and a monkey. Jay thinks it over for a second. He is distracted by something down the hall. He notices Ming. She moves in SLOW MOTION with her hair cascading through the air. Jay is enamored. A man YELLING in Thai snaps him back to reality, but oddly Ming still moves in slow motion. MAN’S VOICE (O.S.) (subtitled) Slower! Ming is straining to move slower. Jay walks over to get a better look. He sees that Ming is tickling a MAN’S bare ass with her hair. JAY What the hell is this? This is just wrong. Ming looks up at Jay. He is smitten. He picks her up in his arms and runs back to Satay. JAY (cont’d) I want this one. Wrap her up! I’m taking her home! END FLASHBACK:35. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -NIGHT Jay pats Ming’s head. JAY We’ll change the story for the kids. So it’s settled then, Ming will clean up after us? DAN I guess. But it really only solves part of the problem. How the hell are we going to find the rest of the money to put Grandpa into another home? Michael stands up. Something has motivated him. MICHAEL (excited) How about some creativity guys? We’ve figured out how to do nothing to get by this far. Imagine if we put some effort into it. Like Jay, remember that time you were arrested for rubbing yourself against the girls in that night club and we bailed you out by throwing a bake sale? And Dan, when you shit yourself in front of the whole school and then you slipped in the shit and then got shit all over you? DAN What does that have to do with raising money? MICHAEL Nothing, but it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Michael and Jay laugh. Dan does not. JAY Totally. There are a million ways to make some cash. (beat) I’m really stoned. I’m going to sleep.36. MICHAEL Great, first thing in the morning we brainstorm. There is a concerned look on Dan’s face. DAN Hey, Mike, where’s Grandpa? CUT TO: EXT. KOZAK BACKYARD -NIGHT Grandpa is still sleeping in the lounge chair by the pool. A PACK OF COYOTES surrounds him. FADE TO BLACK: INT. LIVING ROOM -MORNING It is the next morning. Dan and Michael are asleep on the sofa. Another 80s teen romance film, Pretty in Pink, is on TV. It is obvious that the film is influencing Dan’s dreams because he is now “making out” with his pillow and mimicking the film’s dialogue verbatim. DAN (sleeptalking) You said you couldn't be with someone who didn't believe in you. Well I believed in you. I just didn't believe in me. I love you. Always. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -MORNING Satay, and his pimp partner BAMBOO (30) stand in front of the Kozak house. The two small men could be twins, except that Bamboo has a HITLER MOUSTACHE. They knock on the front door. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -MORNING The knocking finally wakes Dan up who realizes that he is in the spoon position with Michael, softly pumping him from behind. Michael is still asleep. Completely grossed out, Dan gets up and answers the door. 37. Standing in the doorway are Satay and Bamboo. Dan wipes his eyes. SATAY (thick accent) Hey, my man, how is hanging your shit? DAN What? SATAY (thick accent) How is shit hanging from you? Dan is very confused. DAN What? SATAY (thick accent) The shit... Frustrated, Satay turns to Bamboo and speaks in Thai. SATAY (cont’d) (subtitled) I’m saying this correct aren't I? BAMBOO (subtitled) I’m not sure. What does “shit” mean again? SATAY (subtitled) I’m trying to ask him how he is doing, using American slang. BAMBOO (subtitled) Oh. Dan interrupts the two men. DAN What do you want? SATAY (thick accent) We come for Ming. 38. DAN What do you want with her? SATAY (thick accent) We make sure everything kosher. You not using her as slave or making her sleep in poopoo hut. DAN Oh, gotcha. Dan goes upstairs yelling to Jay. DAN (cont’d) Jay... Ming... wake up! There are some little men to see you. Moments later Jay and Ming walk down the stairs. When Ming sees Satay and Bamboo she runs back up stairs screaming. SATAY (thick accent) Do not worry, every girl do that when we come. Jay greets the men. JAY Satay, how’s your shit hanging? SATAY (thick accent) Yes, how’s your shit hanging? Satay is pleased with himself. JAY So, what can I do for you, man? You here to check up on things? SATAY (thick accent) Routine check. Make sure you treat Ming right.JAY Sure, come on in. Let’s give you the tour. Dan goes back to laying down on the couch. Jay begins to show the two men around.39. JAY (cont’d) So, who’s your little friend here? SATAY (thick accent) This Bamboo. He the head of mailordderbride part of government. JAY You guys have a part of the government devoted to this stuff? SATAY (thick accent) Major country G.N.P. Jay nods and leads the men upstairs. SATAY (cont’d) (thick accent) Has Ming been moving bowels regularly? Jay is surprised by the question. JAY I’m not sure. Why do you ask? SATAY (thick accent) No reason. Just curious. INT. JAY AND MING’S BEDROOM -CONTINUOUS Jay brings Satay and Bamboo into their bedroom. JAY This is it. Not too shabby. Bamboo goes over to a mirror and fiddles with his Hitler moustache. Satay opens a closet door. Ming is inside, shaking. Satay shuts the door, not acknowledging her. SATAY (thick accent) Roomy.40. (MORE) JAY Let’s show you the rest of the place. Jay leads the men out of the room. INT. HALLWAY -CONTINUOUS As Jay leads the two little men down the hall, Ming BURSTS through a door and accidently SLAMS into Satay and Bamboo. The three are about to fall when Satay grabs a door handle. INT. DEN -CONTINUOUS The room is dark as Grandpa watches a war movie. Satay, Bamboo and Ming fall into the room. From his POV all Grandpa can see are their silhouettes as they wrestle to get up and scream in Thai. This scene mimics the scene from Grandpa’s war movie. He panics. INT. LIVING ROOM -MOMENTS LATER Jay leads Satay and Bamboo out of the front door. JAY Sorry about the misunderstanding, guys. I hope it doesn’t reflect poorly on me. Satay and Bamboo don’t look happy. SATAY (thick accent) The insult of old man hurts. It was like when you Americans raped me in ass when I was child. I might have looked like 12 year old girl, but it not my fault we have smooth skin and tight bottom. Satay storms out. Bamboo chases after Satay. Jay shuts the front door. Michael wakes up from the commotion, scratches his ass, and walks into the kitchen. MICHAEL Hey, I got an idea on how to make some cash for Grandpa. 41. MICHAEL(cont'd) We should totally have a garage sale. We’ve got tons of shit around here we don’t need. JAY A garage sale. Now that’s a good idea. INT. DAN’S BEDROOM -MORNING Dan shuffles into his room and sits down at the computer. Once again he checks his in-box at the matchmaker website. He is surprised when he opens a message containing a blurred picture of an attractive, older woman. He writes back. DAN (e-mail) Would love to meet in person. I have attached a photo of myself. Write back if you are interested. Dan opens a folder on his computer containing photographs of himself. He decides between a few pictures. One is a souvenir photo of Michael and himself dressed in “old west” wardrobes in sepia tone. Another is of him dressed as Michael Jackson for Halloween. Michael is dressed as one of the guys from Flock of Seagulls. The last one is Dan’s high school prom picture. In it he wears BRACES and has an AFRO. The girl by his side does not look happy to be with him. Dan chooses the prom picture. But before he sends it, he uses PHOTOSHOP to alter it. He erases the girl by his side and blurs his face leaving an awkward picture of a blurry Dan standing with his arms extended around nothing. He sits back satisfied and sends the e-mail. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -MORNING Michael and Jay carry an old chair out of the house. They place it on the lawn next to a ton of other “for sale” items. Michael’s wrecked car is still wrapped around the tree. Smoke continues to come from the hood. Bruce, Bruce and Jean Claude are in their car with REAL ESTATE signs in the back. They pull up to the curb. Michael and Jay approach.42. MICHAEL What are you guys doing? BRUCE (ASIAN) We have a showing at a house a few blocks away. MICHAEL So the houses around here are selling pretty well? JEAN CLAUDE Like hot cakes. BRUCE (BLACK) Yeah, like hot cakes with syrup. Syrup dripping all over the place. Bruce (black) and Jean Claude stare at each other intensely. JEAN CLAUDE With hot butter. They get the shivers and come back down to reality. BRUCE (ASIAN) Are you thinking about moving? MICHAEL No. Not at all. Just wanted to know my options.BRUCE (ASIAN) Well, we’d just hate to lose you as neighbors. Good luck with the garage sale. The Johnsons drive off. Michael and Jay look at the items on their lawn. JAY Don’t we need to put up signs? MICHAEL I guess. A loud SCREECH is heard. The boys look up and see that an OLD BUS has stopped in front of the house. 43. (MORE) The boys stand there for a bit wondering what is going on. Suddenly, the door opens and a SWARM OF MEXICANS pour out. CUT TO: The bus pulls away revealing an empty front lawn and Michael and Jay standing there, confused. Michael holds ten dollars in his hand. MICHAEL (cont’d) Oh, they’re good. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Ming stands in the living room holding a bottle of window cleaner and a rag. She doesn’t know what to do with them. She sniffs the window cleaner, then the rag. She looks very confused. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Michael and Jay stand on the front lawn. They see the new neighbors across the street come out of the big yellow house. MARGIE (50) is plump and elegant. Her husband RICHARD (50) is the same. They notice Michael and Jay standing on the lawn and decide to come over to say hi. MARGIE Ooooh, look how cute these two are. I could just eat them up. RICHARD Yes, just adorable. Absolutely adorable. The boys look at each other apprehensively. Richard shakes their hands. RICHARD (cont’d) I’m Richard and this is my wife, Margie. MICHAEL Nice to meet you. MARGIE Ooooh, yes. I love meeting new neighbors. It’s my favorite. 44. MARGIE(cont'd) And you two look like such nice young boys. Do you live here all alone? MICHAEL Yup. RICHARD Why this is such a large house for such young boys. (to Margie) Just adorable. MICHAEL My brother and I inherited it from our parents. MARGIE Oh, my, what in heavens happened to them? MICHAEL They went missing about a year ago in a freak para-sailing accident. FLASHBACK: EXT. OCEAN -DAY Michael and Dan sit on the back of a speed boat in the ocean. They watch their PARENTS (50s) para-sailing off the end of the boat. Everyone looks like they are having a great time. Michael reaches into a cooler and grabs the last beer. Dan sees, gives Michael a dead-arm, and takes the beer. Michael and Dan start fighting and wrestle to the ground. Dan throws Michael into the WINCH where the para-sail rope is attached to the boat. The rope SNAPS and while the boys fight, their parents float off into the distance. END FLASHBACK: EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Margie and Richard look horrified. MARGIE Oh, my. That’s terrible.45. RICHARD Did you ever find them? MICHAEL (emotional) No, but I like to think that they’re still up there somewhere floating around, just waiting for a breeze to take them home. JAY (to Michael) Fag. RICHARD Yes... well... we have to be going. It was a pleasure to meet you two. Don’t, and I mean DO NOT, be strangers. Margie and Richard waddle back to their house with their hands on each others large asses. JAY Have a good day. MICHAEL (to Jay, sarcastically) Those two aren’t strange at all. JAY No. Not at all. The boys head into the house. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Michael and Jay walk into the kitchen. Ming holds window cleaner and sprays appliances apprehensively. JAY What a good girl. Michael checks his watch. MICHAEL Shit. I’m going to be late for the Korean kids. Today is the Tar Pits field trip. He grabs his keys off of the counter. 46. MICHAEL (cont’d) You guys have enough stuff to keep you busy? JAY Hey, it’s a June Day. Why don’t we come along on the field trip? Ming can help with the kids. MICHAEL She doesn’t speak Korean. JAY Those Asians have a spiritual connection. All that Buddha stuff and green tea. MICHAEL You’re a fucking moron. EXT. MCDONALD’S -DAY Satay and Bamboo sit outside in the play area of MCDONALD’S. SATAY (subtitled) We need a new plan. My first assessment of Jay was wrong. His lack of intelligence may actually hurt our mission. Satay shakes his head. SATAY (cont’d) (subtitled) I don’t know if this is the best situation. Getting the drugs is going to be difficult. Ming is glued to that guy like... glue. BAMBOO (subtitled) I agree. It is going to be tricky. SATAY (subtitled) If we don’t take care of this soon Master Lee will kill our families and worst of all dishonor our reputation.47. BAMBOO (subtitled) I will not allow myself to be dishonored. (beat) I need more BBQ sauce. SATAY (subtitled) Bamboo, you get your BBQ sauce, and then we will figure out a strategy to kidnap Ming. EXT. SCHOOL -DAY A YELLOW BUS idles in the school parking lot. Michael, Jay and Ming load the last of the Korean kids onto the bus. MICHAEL (to Jay) Jay, watch the kids, it’s payday. I’ll be right back. Michael walks to the office. INT. OFFICE -DAY Michael approaches Joyce sitting at her desk. He just stands there admiring her. JOYCE Hi. Michael. Michael doesn’t speak right away. MICHAEL (nervous) Hi. JOYCE Are you here to pick up your money? MICHAEL Oh. Yeah. Joyce searches through envelopes in her desk. Jay bursts into the office. 48. JAY Dude, how do we punish a kid who just pissed on another kid? He’s doing push-ups right now, but that’s all I could think of. Jay notices Joyce. JAY (cont’d) Hi. (to Michael pointing at Joyce) Is this the one you want to ask out? She’s hot. Michael is embarrassed. MICHAEL What the hell are you doing? Joyce smiles and hands Michael the envelope. JOYCE Here. Michael takes it and exits the office embarrassed and angry with Jay. Jay faces Joyce. JAY My friend’s a pussy. His whore girlfriend just broke up with him. Jay exits. EXT. SCHOOL -DAY Michael and Jay walk towards the bus. JAY What was that? What happened to your balls, man? MICHAEL I can’t go back in there now. You fucked it up for me. JAY Pussy! Just go back in and tell her I’m retarded or something. Michael shakes his head and goes back into the office49. INT. OFFICE -DAY Michael enters the office. Joyce looks at him expectantly. MICHAEL Sorry about that. I’m gonna go out and get some new friends right away. Joyce smiles. JOYCE It’s fine. He seems harmless. Michael prepares himself for what he’s about to say. He clears his throat. MICHAEL You want to, uh, get some ice cream later on--(beat) --with me? JOYCE Sure. I’d love to. Michael is happy. MICHAEL Great! Then I’ll see you. JOYCE Bye, Michael. Michael exits. Joyce smiles to herself. INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM -DAY In the Natural History Museum, EMPLOYEES sit behind a glass wall dusting off BONES. Eight KOREAN KIDS run up to the window and make funny faces at them. Michael runs up behind them and presses his face up against the window too. The employees look annoyed. Michael leaves the kids there to watch the employees and walks over to Jay and Ming. JAY What a cool job. I wish someone paid me to dust my bone.50. Michael and Jay laugh. Ming abruptly runs off and into a bathroom. JAY (cont’d) She’s been doing that a lot. I don’t think she’s taken to our food. MICHAEL I’m sure she’ll get used to it in a few days. One of the Korean kids points to a WOOLLY MAMMOTH SKELETON. KOREAN KID #1 (thick accent) Teacher. What that? MICHAEL What? KOREAN KID #1 (thick accent) What... that? Michael doesn’t understand what he’s trying to say. MICHAEL (to Jay) See what I mean? If I can’t understand these kids how am I supposed to teach them English? The kid frowns. Ming returns, bowing as if she’s sorry, and stands by Jay’s side like a puppy. JAY That was fast. Everything good? Ming smiles at Jay not understanding him. JAY (cont’d) (too Michael) Watch this. Jay turns to Ming, and with his hands tells her to take care of the Korean kids. 51. First, he makes a cradle out of his arms to express “take care of.” He then puts his hand low to express “kids.” He then pulls back his eyes with his fingers to express “Korean.” Ming nods and trots over to where the children are. MICHAEL Nice. Ming takes the kids outside to see the tar pits. JAY Let’s go watch that really bad movie with the clay dinosaurs. MICHAEL What about the kids? JAY Don’t worry. Let Ming take care of them. It’s good practice for when we have a family. Michael laughs. As they are about to enter the museum’s screening room, Sarah, arm in arm with RICK FOX, exit. Michael and Jay look stunned. MICHAEL Sarah? SARAH Michael. It’s so good to see you. Michael stares up at Rick Fox. SARAH (cont’d) Michael, I’d like you to meet my fiancee, Rick Fox, the small forward from the Los Angeles Lakers. MICHAEL But we just broke up two days ago. RICK FOX Hey, baby, was this the June Day loser you were talking about? Sarah laughs. SARAH Oh, Rick Fox you’re so witty. 52. RICK FOX No hard feelings, bro, huh? Gimme a call sometime, maybe I can get you a job with the Lakers. I think there’s an opening for someone to wipe the sweat from my balls. Rick Fox and Sarah laugh and walk off together. Michael and Jay stare after them for a beat. JAY There’s nothing I can say that would make this better. INT. MUSEUM SCREENING ROOM -CONTINUOUS Michael and Jay find a space in the back of the room. The lights go out. A cheesy dinosaur documentary begins. On the screen, Dinosaur EGGS lay in a nest. The film is really bad. You can even see a hand holding the clay dinosaur figures. MICHAEL (sighing) Man. JAY What? MICHAEL Nothing. JAY No. What? MICHAEL All this shit going on with Sarah and Grandpa makes me so stressed out about where my life is going. JAY I know what you mean? MICHAEL This whole June Day stuff, I mean, what kind of a decision is that? To live life being selfish, doing what you want to do, not really caring about the future. 53. On screen, the baby dinosaur eggs hatch. Jay turns to Michael and speaks from the heart. JAY Michael, the seasons they go round and round. And the painted ponies go up and down. We’re captive on the carousel of time. We can’t return we can only look behind from where we came. And go round and round and round in the circle game. MICHAEL Did you just quote Joni Mitchell? JAY Yes. Michael hesitates, searching for the perfect thing to say. MICHAEL Fag. On screen, the baby dinosaur leaves the nest and runs off into the Jurassic landscape. EXT. TAR PITS -DAY TWO GROUND’S KEEPERS rake leaves outside of the Museum. They look over to the TAR PITS and notice that Ming and the Korean kids are stuck in the tar. One of the kids reaches down and gets his face stuck. The two ground’s keepers look at each other. GROUNDSKEEPER #1 (nonchalant) Get the stick. EXT. COMMUNITY CENTER -DAY Dan drives up to a COMMUNITY CENTER where Grandpa sits alone in a wheelchair next to the curb. Dan pulls, drags, tosses, anything to get Grandpa in the car. BEGIN MONTAGE:54. EXT. RESTAURANT -DAY Dan and Grandpa sit on a restaurant patio eating lunch. Grandpa tries to eat a sandwich but the contents fall out when he picks it up. Dan is not paying attention. At the table next to them are TWO BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. Dan tries to flirt. As the girls show interest, Grandpa spits up all over himself. Dan is embarrassed. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM -DAY Dan rinses off Grandpa’s DENTURES in a bathroom sink. He applies Polygrip and then helps Grandpa put them back in, however, he messes up and puts the bottom teeth on the top. (Note: Grandpa looks like a bulldog for the rest of the film.) CUT TO: INT. SUPERMARKET -DAY Dan walks through the market pushing a cart filled with food. He stops in front of the “adult diaper” section. There are many selections. Dan has a hard time choosing. Grandpa is on a motorized shopping cart. He loses control and goes through the plastic curtain leading to the back of the market. Dan does not notice. CUT TO: INT. CAR -EVENING Dan drives as Grandpa sleeps in the passenger seat. Grandpa begins to snore and drool. Dan cries. DAN (sarcastically) I can’t wait to do this every day. END MONTAGE:55. EXT. PARK -NIGHT Michael and Joyce enjoy ice cream cones as they walk through a park at night. Joyce fusses over the PISTACHIOS in hers. MICHAEL ...and so that’s why we’ve been taking care of grandpa. I just want him to be happy. JOYCE That’s so sweet. MICHAEL Well, you know, I’m a nice guy. JOYCE (cute) Oh you think so? Joyce picks a pistachio out of her ice cream and throws it away. MICHAEL I happen to be a very nice guy. JOYCE How do you know? MICHAEL I’ve been told. JOYCE You’ve got a big ego. MICHAEL I’ve been told that people like me. JOYCE People? You mean girls. MICHAEL All of my exes have told me, uh, that I’m a good guy. JOYCE Even the whore? Joyce spits out another pistachio. MICHAEL What? 56. JOYCE You’re friend said you were dating a whore. MICHAEL She wasn’t literally a whore. She was my whore for a while, but now she’s going out with Rick Fox. JOYCE Wasn’t he the starting small forward for the Los Angeles Lakers? MICHAEL (curt) Yes. Michael points to a bench. MICHAEL (cont’d) You wanna sit for a while? Joyce and Michael continue eating their ice cream cones as they sit on the bench. MICHAEL (cont’d) So what do you wanna be when you grow up? Joyce laughs at Michael’s question. JOYCE Grow up? I’m in the middle of my quarter life crisis. I don’t know? MICHAEL Just a question. JOYCE I guess right now I’m just hanging out with my friends, you know, trying to get by. I suppose we’ll see is my answer. MICHAEL How do you do it? How do you remain so calm about it all? Don’t you feel pressure to choose a path? JOYCE It’s all about balance. You have to know when to have fun and you have to know when to work. 57. MICHAEL What if you don’t know? JOYCE Come on, you can’t tell me that you don’t know. You might still be a kid at heart but you can’t tell me you’re not old enough to know how life works. Procrastinators lie to themselves. They live in this false reality where they think if they put everything off they’ll have more time to play. When in actuality they spend all of their time worrying about their responsibilities. If they just did their work in the first place they’d still have time to play in the end without any of the stress. MICHAEL Wow, you’re really smart. JOYCE I’m very practiced at doing nothing in life and getting by. Michael smiles. MICHAEL That sounds familiar. Joyce flicks a pistachio off her finger. MICHAEL (cont’d) Why did you get pistachio ice cream if you don’t like the pistachios? JOYCE I love the taste. But I don’t like it when the nuts get caught in my teeth. A LAUGH is heard off screen. The two look around. There is an awkward moment between Michael and Joyce. It looks like Michael is searching for something else to say. Suddenly, General Cartwright pops out of the bushes.58. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (laughing) “Nuts get caught in my teeth.” This is too awkward. I gotta get out of here. General Cartwright zips up his pants and walks away. Michael and Joyce stare at each other confused and violated. INT. JAY AND MING’S BEDROOM -NIGHT Jay is in the bathroom talking to Ming who is in the adjacent bedroom. We only see Jay at this point. JAY I’m so excited. I knew the moment we met that we would experience new things together. I have so many ideas. For years I’ve been thinking of all of the different ways that this could go. Oh, and if there’s anything you want to incorporate. Jay laughs as he lathers himself with BABY OIL. JAY (CONT’D) (cont’d) Silly me. I keep forgetting that you don’t understand what I’m saying. (to himself) That is so fucking sexy. Jay goes into the bedroom where Ming HANGS from a SWING attached to the ceiling. She is hog-tied, blindfolded, and gagged. As sick as this seems she looks really sexy. JAY (cont’d) Okay, so remember the safe word is “pattycake.” MING (muffled) Patty... cake. A wicked smile comes across Jay’s face. JAY Rock and roll. 59. INT. DAN’S ROOM -NIGHT Dan finishes an e-mail to the older woman from the matchmaker website. DAN (e-mail) That’s so amazing, I’m into eastern tapestries, too. I can’t wait for your next e-mail. Write soon. Dan presses send. He looks like he might be smiling. FADE TO BLACK: INT. LIVING ROOM -MORNING Michael and Jay play Nintendo in the living room. JAY Mike, I think I may have the answer to your money issue. MICHAEL Let’s have it. JAY Eric. MICHAEL No way. You know how weird that guy is. I can’t even be in the same room with him. JAY But he has an MBA from Yale. If anyone can help with money it’s that guy. MICHAEL What is he doing these days anyway? Last I heard he was still looking for a job. JAY It’s such a pathetic story. He graduates top of his class and now spends most of his day jerking off and looking for jobs on the Internet. And that hand. Thank the lord I have all of my extremities.60. MICHAEL It’s so hard to avoid shaking his hand. Jay laughs. MICHAEL (cont’d) Do you think he could help us? JAY He’s the smartest guy we know. MICHAEL Let’s give him a call. JAY Done. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -LATER Dan walks into the living room and sees Michael and Jay holding TWO LARGE BOXES for no reason. He looks over and sees ERIC (26), a nerdy guy with only THREE FINGERS on his right hand, in the kitchen getting a soda. Dan quickly tries to occupy his hands before Eric sees him. He runs over to the closet but slips and falls. Eric sees Dan and runs over to help him up. His threefinggere hand is all over Dan. DAN Oh, God no.ERIC Are you okay? Michael and Jay giggle. INT. LIVING ROOM -LATER Eric has set up a TRIPOD and PRESENTATION BOARD in the living room. Michael, Dan, Jay and General Cartwirght sit on the couch attentively. 61. ERIC The key word is “strategy.” I’ve run a few numbers and put together a few business theories that I think would be appropriate for your current situation. Eric picks up a marker with his three fingers. ERIC (cont’d) You guys need to come up with approximately twenty thousand dollars to be able to afford to put your grandfather into another home for the rest of his life. Dan and Michael look worried. ERIC (cont’d) But, I think that if we get a good idea, write up a decent business plan, and get a few investors, this thing might just work. MICHAEL (annoyed) Don’t you have any ideas, or are you just spitting out all of that theoretical crap from school? ERIC Hey, I didn’t need to come here and help you guys! JAY What the fuck else would you be doing? You don’t have a job. ERIC Fuck you! DAN Alright, come on, we have a group of somewhat educated people here. MICHAEL Definitely. Let’s just start throwing out ideas. Eric takes the marker and puts it up to the board. 62. ERIC Shoot. BEGIN MONTAGE: EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY A sign on the Kozak house reads: Special Education Day Care. A line of GUYS wait to get in to the house. They hand Eric money as they enter. INT. KOZAK LIVING ROOM -DAY Michael, Jay and a group of their FRIENDS sit on the couch. A big MAT is on the floor in front of them. JAY All right, guys, we need to really encourage them. Their simple minds feed off stuff like that. TWO RETARDED KIDS enter the room wearing HELMETS and PADS. JAY (cont’d) Hey, kids, no biting. The guys on the couch start to cheer. The two retarded kids LUNGE at each other. CUT TO: EXT. BLOOD BANK -DAY Dan, Michael and Jay walk out of the blood bank with gauze on their arms and cash in their hands. CUT TO: EXT. SPERM BANK -DAY Dan, Michael and Jay walk out of the sperm bank with cash in their hands and smiles on their faces. CUT TO:63. EXT. CORNER -DAY In a seedy part of town, General Cartwright, dressed provocatively, stands on the corner with TWO HOOKERS. A PIMP runs down the street with a BAT in his hands. He chases the General off his corner. CUT TO: INT. DISNEYLAND -DAY Jay rides the MATTERHORN at Disneyland. Just as the coaster train comes out of a tunnel, Jay jumps out and tumbles down the mountain. CUT TO: INT. DISNEY CORPORATE OFFICES -DAY Michael and Jay sit in front of desk in a Disney Corporate Office. Jay has a bandage on his head and his arm in a sling. MICKEY MOUSE and a team of LAWYERS are there. LAWYER #1 We’ll offer you a lifetime pass and some free mouse ears. Jay jumps up excitedly. JAY Sold! He shakes Mickey’s hand. Michael looks at Jay like he’s an idiot. END MONTAGE: INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Eric sits at the kitchen table counting the money. Michael, Jay, and Dan can’t wait to hear the final tally. ERIC After the extravagant lunch at the Olive Garden. Minus the fifty the Pimp took from General Cartwright. We have one hundred and seventeen dollars, a life time pass at Disneyland and these mouse ears. 64. He drops the ears on the table. They are all disappointed. DAN We might as well prepare ourselves to become man nurses. Frustrated, he grabs a beer and exits the house. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -SUNSET Dan sits on the front porch of the house. Michael, Jay and Eric come out holding beers. DAN It’s hopeless, guys. We have to sell the house. Tomorrow I’ll go talk to the neighbors about putting it up for sale. They all look sullen, defeated. CUT TO: Across the street the neighbors throw another party. The boys notice General Cartwright jump out of a tree in front of the big yellow house. He runs over to them. He has binoculars around his neck. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You won’t believe this. I was just studying the neighborhood foliage, you know, and as I was looking over at their gardenias... General Cartwright points across the street. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (cont’d) ...I saw couple after couple going into the party and handing the guy at the door hundred dollar bills. The guy must be holding thousands of dollars. You guys should go over there and kill that guy for the money. That should solve your problems, right? Cuz, you know, I could help you with that. The boys are dumbfounded.65. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (cont’d) Okay... well... could I have a beer then? Jay tosses him a beer. General Cartwright sits on the porch step. He looks down and notices that his fly is unzipped. He quickly zips it up and looks to see if anyone noticed. No one has. EXT. KOZAK BACKYARD -EVENING Satay and Bamboo wear CAMOUFLAGE and hide in a bush in the backyard of the Kozak house. They scope the yard to see if the coast is clear. SATAY (subtitled) Stay close. Once we get inside, I will try and get the drugs from Ming, you make sure we don’t get caught. BAMBOO (subtitled) On the honor of my ancestors, we will succeed. SATAY (subtitled) You are so last century. Okay, let’s go. The two small men scurry across the lawn and press themselves against the side of the house so they won’t be noticed. Satay points to a window on the second story. SATAY (cont’d) (subtitled) That’s the one. Boost me up so I can reach the terrace. Satay awkwardly climbs onto Bamboo’s shoulders. Even doubled in height the two men are not even close to reaching the ten foot high terrace. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -NIGHT Dan, Jay, Eric and General Cartwright are on the front porch. 66. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT What are you guys up to tonight? DAN I think I’m going to stay in. I need some time to think things over. Hey, do you have any more of those shrooms? GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Not much, but enough. Why? You want it? I don’t think that’s such a hot idea. DAN What are you worried about? You know I can handle it. General Cartwright has a worried look on his face. Dan waits for his answer. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Sure, I guess it couldn’t hurt. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -NIGHT Satay and Bamboo have piled POOL FURNITURE next to the house. They climb up to the terrace. They open the window and climb inside. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -NIGHT Satay and Bamboo are inside a room. Satay closes the window. The room is dark and they are unable to find the light. SATAY (subtitled) Bamboo, I can’t see you. Try and find the light switch. A VIBRATING noise is heard. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -NIGHT Michael, upset at his situation, goes upstairs to be alone. On his way up, he notices a few childhood pictures of his parents, Dan and himself. He thinks fondly of the way things used to be. 67. (MORE) He enters his bedroom. INT. HALLWAY -NIGHT Ming runs out of Jay’s bedroom, screaming. Satay chases after her with a LARGE BLACK VIBRATING DILDO. Bamboo follows. Dan walks down the hallway looking at his bag of shrooms. Satay and Bamboo see him and run in the other direction. Dan looks up from his bag confused. Satay and Bamboo run into the bathroom and shut the door. INT. BATHROOM -CONTINUOUS Bamboo turns the light on to find Grandpa asleep on the toilet. They are startled. Satay still holds the vibrating dildo. Grandpa wakes up and slips off the toilet. Bamboo quickly opens the little window of the bathroom and they jump out. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -CONTINUOUS Satay and Bamboo fall two stories to the ground, but because they do not weigh much they get up and run away. INT. DAN’S BEDROOM WINDOW -CONTINUOUS Dan momentarily stops chopping up his shrooms to look out the window. He sees Bamboo and Satay running across the backyard. He shrugs his shoulders and goes back to his shrooms. INT. MICHAEL’S BEDROOM -NIGHT Jay enters Michael’s bedroom. Michael is on his bed. JAY (nonchalantly) Don’t worry, Mike. Everything is under control. It was just those two little Thai guys again. They ran away. I think they’re trying to kidnap Ming or something. 68. JAY(cont'd) (MORE) They kept asking if she moved her bowels. Those are some sick people. Good night and God bless America. Jay closes the door. Michael doesn’t care. INT. JAY AND MING’S BEDROOM -NIGHT Jay walks Ming into the bedroom. Again, she holds her stomach as if it hurts. JAY (comforting) You okay, baby? Did they hurt you? Are you too shook up to have sex? FADE TO BLACK: EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY It’s another beautiful morning outside, as the neighbors from the big yellow house, Richard and Margie, come over to the boy’s house and knock on the door. It takes a while, but eventually Michael answers the door. He obviously just woke up. RICHARD Good morning, sunshine. MICHAEL Uh... okay.MARGIE It’s a beautiful day isn’t it? MICHAEL I... guess.RICHARD Our visit isn’t just a social one, however, we have been known to be social butterflies in our day. Richard and Margie smile at each other. RICHARD (cont’d) We have an ulterior motive. We have a favor to ask of you. If you would be so kind, of course you should feel no obligation. (to Margie)69. RICHARD(cont'd) Oh, I feel bad asking. Maybe we should just have your sister come out here. MARGIE You know she can’t travel with “the bag.” RICHARD Oh, yes, the poor thing. Has to empty it after every meal. Oh, and the stench. I’d rather be put to sleep. MARGIE I know, remember our deal, honey, if one of us becomes a vegetable... RICHARD Pull the plug. MARGIE Pull the plug. The couple shares a moment. Michael watches in disbelief. MICHAEL Did you guys need a favor? MARGIE We are going to be going out of town for a week and we need someone to feed our dog and water the gardenias. Our regular sitter just canceled last minute and we’re leaving right away. RICHARD It’s our yearly convergence on Vegas, you know. Got to go to Vegas at least once a year. MARGIE Oooh, I’m so excited. I just can’t wait to see our old friends. RICHARD And meet some new ones, too, I hope. The couple giggles at each other. MICHAEL Ya, sure, I’ll help you guys out. 70. RICHARD And of course we’ll pay you for your inconvenience. Will $100 suffice? Michael’s face lights up. MICHAEL Totally. I could really use it right now. RICHARD Great! MARGIE (to Richard) Oh, he’s so adorable. Richard and Margie walk back to their house. RICHARD (to Margie) Just adorable. Michael scratches his head and closes the door. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Ming feeds Grandpa oatmeal. He dribbles the food down his chin. Ming uses the spoon to catch it. Grandpa enjoys watching her do this, so he dribbles more. INT. DAN’S ROOM -DAY Dan’s room looks like a tornado had it’s way with it. He is under the covers crying. He pokes his head out and checks his hands to see if the trip is over. He gets out of bed and sits at his desk trying to remember his evening. Quick flashes of memory enter his head. FLASHBACK: Dan tries to leave his room but forgets how to use the door knob. CUT TO:71. He looks through his kindergarten yearbook, reading what the kids in his class signed, crying. CUT TO: He has his ear to the floor listening for something. CUT TO: He watches static on the TV, laughing. CUT TO: He is under his covers crying. END FLASHBACK: Dan rubs his face and turns his computer on. He sees a VOICE RECORDER next to the keyboard. He presses play. DAN’S VOICE (ON RECORDER) La la la... cuckoo... cuckoo... why don’t crazy people get told by the voices in their head to do nice things like start a charity or teach retarded kids to read? Instead they’re only told to kill their family and start religions. And what’s up with braille on drivethhr ATM’s? How do blind people find the little bumps to read it? Dan watches the recorder, attentively. DAN’S VOICE (ON RECORDER) (cont’d) But, babies think. No one will doubt that, but in what language? (beat) Cuticles must be the devil, girls are always cutting them off like they’re evil or something... Can you die from athlete’s foot? (beat) I’m going to go now. Don’t be afraid. I think I need to go cry for a little bit... All of the sudden a BLACK MAN’S voice is heard on the recorder. 72. BLACK MAN’S VOICE (ON RECORDER) That’s okay, man. I’ll just sit here and watch you for a while... (static) From the look on Dan’s face he has no idea who this guy is. He looks disturbed. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -NIGHT Michael enters the big yellow house. A little dog greets him at the door. He pets the dog. Michael walks to the living room and sees a SIXTY INCH PLASMA TV. He freezes at the beautiful sight. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -LATER It is now evening and Michael is standing in the same spot still smiling at the TV. There is a knock at the door. Michael opens the door to see Jay, Ming, Dan, General Cartwright, and Grandpa. CUT TO: Michael, Dan, Jay, Ming, and General Cartwright sit on the couch, stoned out of their minds. Grandpa is passed out in a big leather chair. They watch the HIGH DEFINITION version of the Discovery Channel. The kind you see on the floor model TV’s in the electronic stores. DAN (amazed) It’s so real. Everyone is captivated by the images on the TV. MICHAEL You know what’s great about this? Doing the same thing we do every night, but in a different place. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT What a novelty. Jay gets up and goes to the fridge. He grabs a whole salami.73. JAY Hey, Mike. Do you think they would mind if I ate this? MICHAEL Go ahead. They said to make myself at home. General Cartwright lets out a huge fart and puts his feet up on the table. He picks the dog up off the floor and cuddles with him. The dog`looks afraid. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Is there a salami in there for me? JAY No, just this one. Sorry. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Oh... any cheese? Jay grabs a large hunk of Gouda and tosses it to General Cartwright. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (cont’d) All right. As Jay walks back to the couch he BUMPS into a BIG LEATHER BOOK, knocking it to the floor. He picks it up and looks through it. The pages are filled with names and phone numbers. As he looks through the pages a PIECE OF PAPER falls out. He picks it up and reads it. Jay runs over to the guys. JAY Hey, get this. It’s one of their invitations. It says that each guest is supposed to bring five hundred bucks. MICHAEL Let me see that. Michael looks at the book and the invitation. MICHAEL (cont’d) This must be for one of their parties. 74. JAY That’s what I just said. MICHAEL But why would people spend so much money to come here? Jay grabs the invitation out of Michael’s hand. JAY It says right here. “An elite club party where your privacy is guaranteed.” It must be for famous people or something. General Cartwright stands up. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Are you all thinking what I’m thinking? DAN Probably not. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Maybe, though. We do hang out a lot. You do know me pretty well. DAN Well, I’ll bet my left nut that Mike, Jay and I are, at this moment, probably thinking the same thing, and that what you’re thinking is as far from what we’re thinking as is humanly possible. General Cartwright falls into the couch, defeated. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT I have to admit that I am a bit hurt. I always felt like we all had a connection, but now I see that you guys just view me as an outsider. You guys don’t know me at all. MICHAEL Well, General, what were you thinking? The group listens as General Cartwright states the obvious. 75. Nobody notices as Grandpa gets up from his chair and goes upstairs. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Just that we could throw a party using the names in the book. Make it look like it’s being thrown by the people that live here. Pull it all off without them finding out. Make enough money to help your grandfather. And possibly learn a valuable life lesson in the process. (beat) Oh, and do you guys think they have a bidet in this place. I love the way it feels on my balls. General Cartwright gets up. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT (cont’d) I’m going to go look through their underwear. Anyone want to join? A loud BANG is heard coming from upstairs. DAN (worried) Where’s Grandpa? Dan and Michael run to where the noise came from. INT. UPSTAIRS -CONTINUOUS Dan and Michael enter a room to find Grandpa lying on the floor unconscious. MICHAEL He must have gotten confused and thought he was at our house. The boys look worried. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -LATER Michael paces in the living room of the their house. Dan leads a DOCTOR down the stairs.76. MICHAEL (concerned) Is he okay?DOCTOR He’ll be fine. He was just dehydrated, not getting enough fluids. Just make sure he drinks enough water throughout the day. I gave him an I.V. He sucked it right up. But I would look into getting a full time nurse in here to keep him taking his medication and make sure he’s eating balanced meals. FLASHBACK: INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Dan walks by Grandpa sitting on the couch. He takes a FLINTSTONE VITAMIN and smushes it into a TWINKIE and tosses it on Grandpa’s lap. END FLASHBACK: INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Dan opens the front door for the doctor. DAN Thanks for coming by, Doctor. DOCTOR This is serious, Mr. Kozak. Although he’s fine now he is quite old. His health might not be on his side for much longer. The doctor exits leaving Michael and Dan standing in the doorway. The boys look concerned. INT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Eric stands in front of the gang in mid-PowerPoint presentation on their TV. It looks like he spent more time on the effects then he did on the content. Michael, Dan, and Jay sit on the couch. 77. MICHAEL Eric, thanks a lot for setting this up with such short notice. I’m really worried about Grandpa. ERIC My pleasure. He wipes his nose with his three fingered hand. The group is unsettled. ERIC (cont’d) So, with the data you guys gave me and including the factors of time, risk and exposure, I assess that this might not be such a bad idea. MICHAEL Yeah, I know. It’s actually not too risky if you think about it. They throw parties all the time so it’s not like any of the neighbors saying anything will tip them off. And after Grandpa’s accident I’m down to try anything. DAN Listen, guys this sounds like a lot of work. This just isn’t June Day material. And besides I don’t wanna go to jail. The front door opens. The Johnsons enter. JEAN CLAUDE Hi boys. Sorry for interrupting but we have a very rich client here to show him your house. BRUCE (ASIAN) He’s only here for the day then he has to fly back to Brunei. Michael stares at his friends. They all shrug. MICHAEL I guess so. A fast-talking SHEIK, wearing sunglasses and full regalia followed by his two ARAB WIVES enter the house. The Shiek is on his cell phone. 78. SHEIK (into the phone) This is outrageous! Four million for a goat. You are a shrewd negotiator, Amed, but since I cut off your hand last week I will make your deal. The boys stare at the Sheik. The Sheik, still on the phone, kicks a wall to check its sturdiness. He then grabs his two wives and leads them to the backyard. He locks them outside. SHEIK (cont’d) (into the phone) Amed, hold on a second. The boys watch with amazement. SHEIK (cont’d) (screaming) Whores! Fuck fuck fuck! Cocksuckers! I bleed you from your rectum! The Sheik starts slamming his hands together while screaming. He stops and opens the door. SHEIK (cont’d) (to his wives) Could you hear me? His wives shake their heads “no” in unison. The Sheik turns to the Johnsons. SHEIK (cont’d) I’ll take it. The Sheik and his wives storm out the front door. JEAN CLAUDE Sorry, boys. It looks like you have a buyer. The Johnsons leave the house. The boys just stare at each other. DAN Okay, fine. Let’s throw this party, there is no way I’m letting a guy like that buy this house.79. Eric presses a button and the screen switches to a colorful graphic chart detailing the checklist for the party. ERIC Now I’ve broken down the responsibilities. But I have to say that if we are going to pull this off we need to use all of our resources. INT. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT'S GUEST HOUSE -DAY Michael and Jay stand next to General Cartwright who speaks into the intercom. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Mom, is it okay if I borrow the folding chairs and bridge table for a little while? MRS. CARTWRIGHT (O.S.) (abruptly) No! GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Oh, okay, I guess I understand. But, I promise not to damage them. I will take full responsibility. MRS. CARTWRIGHT (O.S.) Who is this? GENERAL CARTWRIGHT It’s me, Mom. (beat) I love you. Again the sound of the speaker hanging up is heard. General Cartwright wipes a tear from his eye. EXT. BRUCE, BRUCE AND JEAN CLAUDE’S HOUSE -DAY Michael and Jay stand in front of Bruce, Bruce and Jean Claude’s house. The flamboyant partners stand at the door. BRUCE (ASIAN) Of course we’ll help you boys. We don’t want you to move and you know we know how to throw a good party.80. JEAN CLAUDE True that! BRUCE (BLACK) Ya! JEAN CLAUDE Ooh, this sounds like so much fun. We’ll make posters and streamers and Jello and... The three men are giddy. They float back inside to start preparing. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET -DAY Dan walks down the street holding a stack of INVITATIONS. His hair is messy and he wears a robe. He enjoys the sunny day. He stops in front of a MAIL BOX. He looks up to the sky and takes a therapeutic breath, but begins to cough. He can’t even enjoy that. He puts the invitations into the mail box and heads home. EXT. COSTCO -DAY We see a huge, crowded parking lot in front of a COSCTO. The boys find a nice spot a quarter of a mile away from the store. INT. COSTCO -DAY Michael, Jay and Dan push a shopping cart filled with party supplies down the large aisles of COSTCO. Jay nonchalantly grabs a jumbo-sized carton of CONDOMS off one of the shelves. MICHAEL What do you want to do for lunch? JAY Costco buffet? MICHAEL Nice. 81. The boys take out their SPORKS and a FOLDABLE PLATES from their pockets. CUT TO: SUPER: Appetizer Michael, Jay and Dan sample different appetizer samplers. They nod in agreement at the good taste. CUT TO: SUPER: Entre They try different Hot Pockets, Bagel Bites and Taquitos. They contemplate their satisfaction. It looks as if they are food critics. CUT TO: SUPER: Dessert A Costco taste test EMPLOYEE hands the boys brownies. Dan takes a brownie and looks up at the employee. It’s Ted Lavender, Mr. June Day himself. A light shines down on Ted’s head, illuminating his body like a deity. FLASHBACK: INT. BARNEY’S -DAY In the same clip from the opening scene, Ted Lavender, holding the babes at Barney’s Burgers, says: TED LAVENDER I do what I want, whenever I want. I’m living the dream, bro. Every day is a June Day. The babes take off their tops and start making out with Ted. END FLASHBACK: INT. COSTCO -DAY Dan looks down and sees the “Hi my name is... Ted Lavender” sticker on Ted’s red Costco uniform.82. DAN Oh, my God. It’s Ted Lavender. What are you doing here? Michael and Jay look up and see the guru of June Day. They’re shocked to hear his name. TED LAVENDER Hello, Dan. Yes, I work at Costco. Yeah, I said work. Don’t judge me. Listen, you try living on the beach picking ticks out of your ass and crabs outta your crotch. I cried myself to sleep every night for years. And do I regret it? A little. Did I have fun? I had some. But this is my life now, here at Costco, and damn it if I play my cards right I could be driving that tiny forklift that beeps come fall. Dan is deflated. He starts to sway, about to pass out. Michael and Jay hold him up. DAN But, I’ve based my life on you. On June Day. You’re the reason I am the way I am now. TED LAVENDER I’d offer you another brownie as a way of recompense but it’s against policy. Ted Lavender walks away with his tray. Dan looks into Michael’s eyes. A solitary tear rolls down his face. DAN My life has no meaning. Jay looks at Michael holding Dan. JAY (worried) Mike, I don’t want to work at Costco. MICHAEL (with conviction) I don’t either.83. (MORE) INT. DAN’S ROOM -DAY Dan stares at his computer monitor blankly. An e-mail from the older woman pops up, stirring Dan awake. On screen is a photograph of her. The picture looks like it has been altered with a blurry filter so that you can hardly see what she looks like. Dan looks at the monitor with googly eyes. He writes back. DAN (e-mail) I’m so happy you want to meet me, too. You’re beautiful. I’m not sure what you meant about swinging in your last e-mail. If you were talking about mood swings then we should definitely talk. I have some good techniques to help stabilize. E-mail me back when it’s best for you to get together. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -EVENING Michael, Jay and Dan sit on the porch of their house drinking beer. They stare at the “For Sale” sign on their front lawn. This gets them down. JAY You think the party’s going to work? DAN It has to or we’re moving. Dan finishes his beer. He chucks it at the “for sale” sign. MICHAEL I don’t know what it is, but I feel really optimistic about this party. This might be, in some way, the most responsible thing we’ve ever done. I mean we are kind of accomplishing a lot. Dan feels inspired. DAN You’re right! Fuck Ted Lavender! We’re gonna pull this shit off. 84. DAN(cont'd) Listen, little bro. I might not have the best game with chicks. I may not go on that many dates. But I do know a thing or two about happiness, or the lack thereof. And damn it, lately you’ve been more like me then the happy Mike we all know. Don’t end up like me, man. Twenty nine, no job, no girl, not many friends... Dan comes back down to reality. DAN (cont’d) ...I think my hair is starting to fall out... I’m going gray... Dan gets up and slowly walks inside, still talking. DAN (cont’d) ...I haven’t been pooing regularly. Fuck, I have this weird lump on my back... Michael and Jay shake their heads and finish their beers. MICHAEL So I’m gonna invite Joyce to the party. JAY Yeah? MICHAEL It’ll be a good time to get to her know her better. JAY What about Sarah? MICHAEL I haven’t thought about her since Rick Fox. Jay smiles. JAY Good boy. FADE TO BLACK:85. (MORE) INT. CLASSROOM -DAY The Korean kids sit attentively in their seats waiting for Michael to arrive. Michael walks in and stands at the head of the class feeling pretty good about himself. MICHAEL How is everyone? CLASS Good. One kid raises his hand. MICHAEL What is it?KOREAN KID #1 (thick accent) How many vocabulary word today? MICHAEL How many vocabulary words today? KOREAN KID #1 (thick accent) Oh, thank you. MICHAEL Let’s not worry about that. The kids are confused. Joyce walks by an open window and stops to listen to Michael. Michael does not notice her. MICHAEL (cont’d) When I was growing up I thought life was about pussy, beer and hanging out with friends. My older brother used to tell me that nothing else mattered. But sometimes with the experiences that you have growing up you start to realize that responsibility can be kind of cool. 86. MICHAEL(cont'd) And before you know it you’re throwing illegal parties at your neighbors house and you’re not worried about a thing because it’s the process. If you learn one thing from me, or if you learn anything at all, remember this: hard work and adulthood doesn’t suck that bad. One of the kids raises his hand. KOREAN KID #1 (thick accent) Teacher that’s a plural, don’t you mean they “DON’T suck that bad?” Michael smiles at the kid. Joyce finds Michael’s interaction with the kids endearing. He puts his hand on the kid’s shoulder. MICHAEL You’ve learned much, my child. (to the class) Today, we play hangman! The students ROAR with excitement. Michael stands proud. He notices Joyce who quickly walks away. Michael exits the classroom after her. EXT. CLASSROOM -CONTINUOUS Michael chases after Joyce. MICHAEL Hey, hold up a second. Joyce turns around, hopeful. We see the Korean kids peer out the window behind Michael. JOYCE Yes? MICHAEL What are you doing tonight?87. (MORE) JOYCE (expectant) Nothing. Why? What’d you have in mind? MICHAEL I organized a party, actually it’s a fundraiser, and I’d love for you to come by.JOYCE I’d love to. MICHAEL Awesome. Joyce smiles and walks away. Michael watches her walk away for a moment then turns around smiling. The kids cheer for him. He runs back to the class and gives them all high fives. INT. CAR -DAY Michael drives in his car. He is on the cell phone making sure the preparations are going smoothly. He has really gotten his act together. MICHAEL ...no, Dan. Listen, I need you to snap out of your funk, brother. Go across the street, help Jay and the Johnsons. Be part of the flow don’t go against it, and also I need you to go pick up some ice. Can you handle that? Hold on, I got another call. Hello? EXT. COMMUNITY CENTER -CONTINUOUS Michael pulls up in front of a community center. Grandpa stands with a few ELDERLY PEOPLE at the curb. It looks like they are all waiting to be picked up like school children. MICHAEL Hey, General, how are you? What do you need to borrow butter for? Forget it. I don’t want to know. But hey, when you’re there I need you to do me a solid. 88. MICHAEL(cont'd) I need you go to my house and make sure Dan goes to the store for ice. Michael is focused on his conversation and we don’t see Grandpa getting into the car. The door shuts and he continues driving. OLD BLACK MAN’S VOICE May I have some juice. Michael grabs a JUICEBOX. A black hand takes it from him. OLD BLACK MAN’S VOICE (cont’d) Thanks, Antawn. Michael hangs up the cell phone and looks over at Grandpa. But, sitting in the passenger seat is an ELDERLY BLACK MAN. CUT TO: INT. CAR -DAY Grandpa is with a BLACK FAMILY in the backseat of their car. EXT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -DAY Michael and the correct Grandpa pull up to the big yellow house. General Cartwright sweeps the front porch. Grandpa gets out of the car and heads inside. Michael’s cell phone rings. He stops to answer it. MICHAEL Hello? JOYCE (O.S.) Hey, Michael, how are you? MICHAEL (excited) Joyce. Hey. What’s up? JOYCE (O.S.) Well, Mr. Yu gave me the rest of the day off, I thought you might want some help with your fundraiser?89. Michael gets giddy. MICHAEL Yeah. Of course. Come on over. JOYCE (O.S.) Great. See you soon. Michael hangs up the phone, he’s happy. General Cartwright approaches carrying the broom. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT I’m done around here, you wanna go smoke a bowl before we have to get ready for the party? MICHAEL You know, General, I think I’m gonna sit this one out. Joyce is coming over and I need to finish setting things up. General Cartwright is astonished. He can’t believe it. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT You know I was talking about pot? Michael pats the General on the shoulder. MICHAEL I’ll catch you next time, I have some shit to take care of. He walks inside the house. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -DAY The house is fully decorated. An ICE SCULPTURE of a dolphin is on a long buffet table next to A PUNCH WATERFALL. Streamers and glittery things are everywhere. The three partners approach Michael. BRUCE (BLACK) Phew. Am I exhausted. JEAN CLAUD Hey, Mikey, we’re about done here. We’re going to go take a shower together, suck each other off, take a shit and shave, and we’ll be back later for the festivities.90. BRUCE (ASIAN) It’s so great to be gay! The three partners float out of the house. Michael is amazed at how everything looks. Grandpa stands at the ice sculpture just staring at it. MICHAEL Grandpa, this place looks great. GRANDPA Fagalas, what do I need with it? Jay enters with Ming. He carries a CASE OF ALCOHOL. JAY Daaaamn! This party is gonna be sweet! MICHAEL Ya, not bad, huh? JAY Fuck, no. This will do just fine. Hey, Ming. Go take Grandpa for a walk or something. Michael and I need to take care of some business. Jay points to a wheelchair next to the front door and then points to Grandpa. Ming quickly escorts Grandpa outside. GRANDPA I need this like I need a hole. JAY Let’s go, Mike. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -MOMENTS LATER Michael and Jay stand behind the WET BAR. A big empty VAT is in front of them. JAY Remember the recipe? MICHAEL For “Skip and Go Naked.” Fuck yeah! Into the vat goes an entire case of COORS LIGHT, THREE CONCENTRATED LEMONADES and a whole bottle of VODKA.91. JAY Nice. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET -DAY Ming pushes Grandpa in his wheelchair down the residential streets of the neighborhood. GRANDPA Go over the gravel again. I like the way it feels on my ‘roids. Ming sings along with Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham on her head phones. CUT TO: Satay and Bamboo pop their heads up from out of the bushes. Bamboo opens a black bag and takes out a GYNECOLOGICAL SPREADER. SATAY (subtitled) Put that away. We will use it later, but first we need to get Ming alone. CUT TO: Ming continues to push Grandpa. A BOY on a RAZOR SCOOTER rides by the bush where Satay and Bamboo hide. Satay Jumps out and knocks the boy off his scooter. The boy, however, is slightly larger and puts up a good fight. Bamboo comes to Satay’s aid, but even together they aren't quite capable of taking the scooter from the boy. Ming looks back and sees the commotion. She begins to run while pushing Grandpa who enjoys the feel of the bumpy road. GRANDPA Oh, yeah. That’s it. Finally, after a lot of biting and scratching, the boy runs away. Satay and Bamboo hop on the single person scooter and the chase begins. Ming hustles to push the wheelchair as fast as she can. Satay and Bamboo are close behind.92. Ming turns onto a busy street. The commotion adds to the tension. They swerve in and out of pedestrians, kids on bikes and traffic. Ming turns again and heads back into the residential neighborhood. Satay and Bamboo gain on them. EXT. STREET -CONTINUOUS A sign reads: ROAD CONSTRUCTION AHEAD. Ming maneuvers over and around the construction barely missing man holes and heavy equipment. Grandpa holds on for dear life. Satay and Bamboo are so small that they have no trouble dodging the dangers. Ming heads for the Kozak house. Satay and Bamboo kick harder to gain speed. Just as they are about to reach the house Ming skids to a halt. Satay and Bamboo fly by. They skid into an intersection and just miss being hit by a BUS. After it seems like they are safe, a huge EIGHTEEN WHEELER slams into them causing them to stick to the front grill. Once again their light weight saves them as they are taken away by the truck. EXT. KOZAK HOUSE -DAY Michael walks outside just as Ming and Grandpa reach the front door. MICHAEL Come on Grandpa, we need to get you ready for tonight. Michael looks up and sees Joyce pull into the driveway. Michael ditches Grandpa and skips over to Joyce. She gets out of her car. There is an awkward moment where they don’t know if they should hug or not. MICHAEL (cont’d) Hi. JOYCE Hi. They both giggle. 93. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -EVENING The following montage is of the gang getting ready for the big party: Dan helps Grandpa get into his tuxedo. He picks up a water bottle and squirts it in Grandpa’s mouth like a boxer in the corner of a ring. CUT TO: Michael and Joyce are in the living room putting up STREAMERS. They’re having a great time. CUT TO: The three partners take a bubble bath together. CUT TO: General Cartwright, wearing a dark suit, adjusts an earpiece for a walkie-talkie. The other end of the earpiece is not attached to anything. He puts it in his pocket. CUT TO: Ming sits on the toilet, straining, as Jay shaves. CUT TO: Dan is half dressed sitting at his computer playing SNOOD. EXT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -NIGHT TWO ELDERLY GUESTS arrive at the big yellow house. Eric greets them and takes their money. General Cartwright stands next to him trying to look important. Even cleaned up he is still a scary person. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -NIGHT The party is now in full swing. There are elegant ELDERLY COUPLES everywhere. Grandpa stands behind the bar dressed as a bartender. Ming, dressed as a cocktail waitress, holds a tray of champagne.94. Jean Claude plays the piano, while Bruce and Bruce are dressed in DRAG and sing a lounge version of Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N’ Roses. Joyce helps bring dirty glasses and plates into the kitchen. She walks by Michael and smiles at him. Michael and Jay stand off to the side looking at Joyce. JAY Joyce seems like a nice chick. MICHAEL Yeah I really like her. She’s kind of helped me realize that I can balance fucking around with being serious. It just takes a little self discipline. JAY Mike, I got to say, I’m really proud of you. You took the reins, and pulled this off in no time. Maybe that “responsible” problem is coming to an end. MICHAEL Thanks, man. That makes me feel really good. JAY Fag. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -LATER The party is still rocking. Michael takes a moment to find Joyce. He enters the kitchen. INT. KITCHEN -CONTINUOUS Joyce cleans dishes at the sink. Michael approaches her. MICHAEL I sure hope we make enough money. JOYCE There seems to be a lot of people here. 95. MICHAEL Hey, you don’t need to do that. You’re my date. JOYCE I know I don’t need to do it. I don’t mind helping out. Michael takes the dish from her and leaves it in the sink. He takes her sudsy hands. MICHAEL Come here. He leans in for a kiss. She meets him half way. INT. DAN’S ROOM -NIGHT Dan is still half dressed at his computer playing Snood. He gets an e-mail. He opens it and begins to read. OLDER WOMAN (E-MAIL) You’re so cute. What I meant by swinging, honey, is that there is a party tonight and I want you to be my partner. It’s at 525 Kings Road in a big yellow house. Bring condoms and an open mind. Dan’s eyes widen. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -NIGHT Michael, Joyce, and Jay stand in the corner contemplating the success of the party. All of the guests have a good time. Eric approaches Michael. He looks concerned. ERIC We haven’t made enough money at the door and I don’t know if anyone else is coming. Michael is disappointed but is distracted by an OLDER WOMAN who gives him a wink. He innocently smiles back. JAY Everyone here is old. 96. (MORE) A COUPLE standing in front of them begins to kiss. The guys are a little turned off. JAY (cont’d) Geez, get a room. All of the sudden the elderly couple starts to strip. MICHAEL (confused) What the hell is going on? ERIC This is grotesque. The guests begin to GROPE each other. JOYCE What is going on? Michael and Eric look horrified. Jay looks to his right and sees two OLD MEN high five each other and swap PARTNERS. To his left, he sees an OLD WOMAN struggle to put on a STRAP-ON. Another WOMAN comes over to help her. Jay suddenly puts the pieces together. JAY It all makes sense now. MICHAEL You knew this was going to happen? JAY Well, I’m not surprised. I thought I smelled something weird and familiar on Margie and Richard after the garage sale and my suspicions were confirmed when I was looking in their medicine cabinet earlier and found this --He pulls out a bottle of ASTROGLIDE ANAL LUBRICANT. JAY (cont’d) --and then I remember when they were talking about her sister’s colostomy bag and anyone who knows anything about colostomy bags would probably stay as far away from the anus as possible, sexually speaking of course. 97. JAY(cont'd) So then you might ask might they be using it for normal intercourse? But as a student of the taboo arts, it is well known that the swinging culture chooses Astroglide over other name brands. Michael considers this. Joyce is disturbed by Jay. JAY (cont’d) Plus, everyone here smells like Astroglide. Before too long there are old naked people everywhere. An OLD LADY chases an OLD MAN around with a leather whip. MICHAEL This is out of control. It’s a fucking swingers convention! JAY For old people! The boys scream. CUT TO: Dan BURSTS through the front door still half dressed. He looks around and realizes he is too late to warn Michael and Jay. A GROUP OF OLD LADIES rush over to him. He starts to scream. They drag him to the floor. EXT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -NIGHT Satay and Bamboo, torn and tattered from the collision with the eighteen wheeler, hide in the bushes outside the big yellow house. Bamboo plays with the gynecological spreader. BAMBOO (subtitled) You know, it’s not so bad in the bushes. I kind of like being close to nature. Satay slaps the back of Bamboo’s head. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -NIGHT There are old people having sex everywhere. Bruce, Bruce and Jean Claude have joined in the sex.98. Grandpa is still behind the bar smiling. Then, an OLD WOMAN rises up from behind the bar. She wipes the side of her mouth and walks away. Michael, Joyce, and Jay are frantic. The dog hides behind Michael, frightened. JAY This is fucking nasty! MICHAEL What should we do? Should we just stand here and let this happen? CUT TO: General Cartwright walks in from outside and looks around the room. He stands there for a moment without expression. Then, he looks down at his arm and pinches it. He looks up and smiles. He rips his cloths off as fast as he can. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT Thank you, Jesus! He runs off into the crowd. CUT BACK TO: MICHAEL Oh, this is too much. I’m going to fucking puke. A naked KOREAN WOMAN approaches Michael. NAKED KOREAN WOMAN (thick accent) Isn’t your name Michael? Michael doesn’t know where to look. Jay looks her up and down. Joyce looks uncomfortable. MICHAEL Yeah. NAKED KOREAN WOMAN (thick accent) My son, Howie, is in your English class. I cannot thank you enough for teaching him to learn proper English. I don’t know where he would be without you. 99. MICHAEL Thank you. I don’t know what to say. Michael looks to Joyce. MICHAEL (cont’d) Uh, this is Joyce. She also works at the school. The woman extends her hand. Joyce has no other choice but to take it. NAKED KOREAN WOMAN (to Joyce) I thought you looked familiar. Are you two an item? JOYCE Um, I guess. NAKED KOREAN WOMAN (thick accent) Isn’t that wonderful. The naked Korean woman taps her HUSBAND on the shoulder who is in the middle of some heavy petting with another COUPLE. NAKED KOREAN WOMAN (cont’d) (thick accent) Honey. The man turns around. NAKED KOREAN WOMAN (cont’d) (thick accent) This is Michael and Joyce. They work at Howie’s school. The man extends his hand. NAKED KOREAN MAN Oh, so please to meet you. He goes back to his heavy petting. Michael glares at Jay. JAY Where’s Ming!? 100. INT. BATHROOM -NIGHT Ming strains on the toilet. The little window in the bathroom opens and Satay and Bamboo quickly slip inside. INT. KOZAK HALLWAY -CONTINUOUS Jay knocks on the bathroom door. JAY Ming? You in there? You okay? He hears commotion inside. Then, he hears Ming scream. JAY (cont’d) Hey, what’s going on in there!? He slams his body into the door causing it to fly open. Ming sits on the toilet. Satay and Bamboo stand next to her holding the gynecological spreader and a LARGE BAG OF COCAINE. They’re terrified when Jay enters. Jay lunges at them but they are able to slip through his grasp. INT. HALLWAY -CONTINUOUS They run down the hall and into the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM -CONTINUOUS Satay and Bamboo are stunned and disgusted by what they see. The swingers see Satay and Bamboo holding the coke and rush over to them. They pull out their wallets as fast as they can. SWINGER #1 The party has arrived. The group swarms them. Money flies everywhere. Eric starts to grab the money. Satay and Bamboo give up the coke and run through the party. Michael and Jay chase them. 101. JAY (screaming) Help! Stop those guys! Satay and Bamboo are about to reach the front door when Michael and Jay tackle them. CUT TO: Dan, still half dressed, paces by the piano in the midst of a panic attack. He mumbles to himself. All of the sudden he looks up and standing on the other side of the room is the OLDER WOMAN from the matchmaker website. She’s actually not that bad looking. They stare at each other for a few moments. Then, just like out of an 80s teen romance movie, they slowly walk through the party towards each other and stare into each other’s eyes. DAN You’re beautiful. OLDER WOMAN So are you. Dan begins to tear up. DAN I’ve been waiting for you my whole life. OLDER WOMAN I don’t care what other people think. I love you. And that’s all that matters. She grabs him passionately and kisses him. Dan swoons like a sixteen year old girl. FADE TO BLACK: INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE -NIGHT The party has ended and the place is a mess. Bruce, Bruce and Jean Claude clean up. Grandpa still stands behind the bar as if nothing has happened. 102. Jay and Joyce comfort Ming who lays on the couch, still in a bit of pain. General Cartwright stands over them. He has remnants of coke all over his nose. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT All that coke up her ass. Wow. JAY She’ll be okay. I just hope we can have anal sex after she heals. GENERAL CARTWRIGHT What happened to the little Thai guys? JAY I gave them to one of the guests who owns a sweat shop downtown. We don’t have to worry about them anymore. INT. BIG YELLOW HOUSE KITCHEN -CONTINUOUS Eric sits at the kitchen table calculating the nights proceeds. Michael stands over his shoulder. ERIC Holy, shit! With all the money we made at the door, including the extra we got from selling that coke to the old people, we not only have enough money to put your grandfather in a home, we can freakin’ buy one! Michael is so happy he doesn't know what to say. He falls into one of the chairs, contemplating. FADE TO BLACK: EXT. SPRING CHICKEN RETIREMENT RESORT -DAY Super: One Year Later Joyce walks into the retirement home carrying a picnic basket. She is with Dan’s “older woman” who pushes a baby stroller. They pass Grandpa who sits on the front patio with other OLD PEOPLE. Joyce pats him on the head and he gives her an acknowledging nod, busy with his game. 103. INT. SPRING CHICKEN RETIREMENT RESORT -CONTINUOUS We follow Joyce and the “older woman” as they pass Ming who sits at the reception desk reading English for Dummies. OLDER WOMAN Good morning, Ming. MING (slowly) Good happy fun day for you to enjoy and experience. They smile and continue down the hall. They pass a recreational room where Jay leads exercises for OLD LADIES. The ladies seem to love him. He waves to them as they continue by. They pass an open bathroom door and see Ted Lavender in a custodian uniform with his arm up to his shoulder in a dirty toilet. He waves with a big, proud smile on his face. They enter an office where Michael and Dan sit at two desks facing each other. Joyce walks over to Michael. The “older woman” walks over to Dan. DAN Hi, Honey. Dan kisses his wife, then picks up his BABY and gives him a big kiss. Michael is on the phone. MICHAEL That sounds great. I’ll check it out right now. Later, man. Michael hangs up and opens the web browser on his computer. DAN Who was that? MICHAEL General Cartwright. He finished his website. DAN Good for him. CUT TO:104. A website loads on Michael’s computer screen. There is a big heading at the top that says “General Cartwright’s Old People Porn.” The poorly designed page is covered with nude pictures of the old people from the party. Michael is taken aback at first, but then gives a little smile. MICHAEL I can’t believe he already made six million dollars and it’s only been up for a week. DAN Mike, as we have definitely learned, there are some sick fucks out there. Dan snuggles with his baby. CUT TO: Above their desks, on the wall, is the picture of their parents. The one from earlier of them para-sailing. Michael looks up at the photograph. MICHAEL Hey, wouldn’t it be great if Mom and Dad finally came home and saw what we made of ourselves? Michael and Dan gaze at the picture. The camera zooms in slowly onto the picture until it fills the screen. We see their parents smiling and having a great time. It slowly dissolves into real time, however, their parents are now two years dead, still floating away on the para-sail. They float off into the sunset. The End INT. SWEAT SHOP -DAY Over the end credits Satay and Bamboo make LEATHER WALLETS in a huge SWEAT SHOP.