Gazelle going totally Twitter by ccf65261

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									  Oh Canada!                                                                            Sister Act
                                                                                        Dribblin nuns aim at national championship, 2A
                                                                                                                                                                                     Brush of 5 toilets replaces
                                                                                                                                                                                     Roto-Rooter of 5 seasons
             After U.S. finally settles                                                                                                                                              2A
           War of 1812, Alaska secedes, 2A




                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           WEDNESDAY
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               April 1, 2009
   From the twisted
     minds at the
  Mount Mercy Times



VOL. 1 NO. 1                                                        A LITERARY MASTERPIECE IN AN ILLITERATE WORLD                                                                                                                                    50 CENTS

                                                                                News                                                                                                                                      News

                                                                                                                                                                                   Gazelle going
                                                                                                                                                                                   totally Twitter
                                                                                                                                                                                          By Karla McIntosh                     move.
                                                                                                                                                                                             Makes-things-pretty Editor              “That’s what she said!” Ryan
                                                                                                                                                                                        “It’s Twitta-time!” Steph Rearly,       Weinermann said.
                                                                                                                                                                                   information content conductor for                 Editors for the Gazelle plan
                                                                                                                                                                                   the Gazelle, proclaimed.                     on having more time to focus on
                                                                                                                                                                                        The man with the plan has some          other important things for the run-
                                                                                                                                                                                   big changes in store for the way you’ll      ning of the paper, including checking
                                                                                                                                                                                   see Gazelle news in the future. Rearly       Facebook and e-mail.
                                                                                                                                                                                   plans to go all-Twitter, all the time.            “Facebook is so important to
                                                                                                                                                                                        He thinks that the printed paper        everyday life,” Weinermann said.
                                                                                                                                                                                   is doomed.                                        “I couldn’t survive a minute with-
                                                                                                                                                                                        “I feel like it’s time to go Twitter,   out it … It’s where all my inspiration
                                                                                                                                                                                   while we’re still ahead of the game,”        comes from.”
                                                                                                                                                                                   he said.                                          Editors will also have more time
                                                                                                                                                                                        Rearly, who is referred by some         to attend charitable community
                                                                                                                                                                                   as a Twitter evangelist, has been on         events like Club Friday.
                                                                                                                                                                                   the Twitting bandwagon for quite                  “Instead of only eating 20 to
                                                                                                                                                                                   some time.                                   30 cheese sticks, now I’m going for
                                                                                                                                                                                        “I’m loving it,” he said after he       about 45,” said Weinermann.
                                                                                                                                                                                   made a post.                                      “It’s going down.”
                                                                                                                                                                                        Although there are some critics,             The Twitter change is scheduled
                                                                                                                                                                                   including Leonardo Zitts, Jr. of the         to occur by next week, so if the paper
                                                                                                                                                                                   Miami Herald, most staff members             isn’t on the doorstep in the morning,
                                                                                                                                                                                   say they are excited for the change.         head on over to the new site, www.
                                                                                                                                                                                        “I hope it’s going to be big,”          twitter.com/thegazellenewspaper, to
                                                                                                                                                                                   Elektra Riggby said about the Twitter        get your daily fill of Gazelle.
                                                                                                                                           Photo Illustration by Ryan Weinermann
  Arnold Schwarzenneger, governor of California, speaks in downtown Cedar Rapids about his plan to rid the world of the menace of floods.

                                                                                                                                                                                      What’s new in today’s Gazelle?
  Schwarzenneger’s plan involves eliminating all water worldwide, which didn’t go over particularly well with the crowd.




  Schwarzenegger to water: ‘GET DOWN!’ T
                                                                                                                                                                                            oday, you’ll find no local           as a result of the attack, so we don’t
                                                                                                                                                                                            Accent section, nor any              have space anyway.
                                                                                                                                                                                            local entertainment news.                 Sports have been reduced to one
                                                                                                                                                                                      After all, it’s Cedar Rapids–does          story, because really, small town ath-
              By Ryan Weinermann                           I am here to quell the evil that is water. I am here to        He went on to add, “if it bleeds, we can kill it.”          anything really happen here?               letes are too egotistical and nobody



  T
                                                                                                                                                                                           You may also notice that we           outside of the parents of the athletes
                         Da Boss                           terminate all water, starting right here in Iowa!”             The governor seemed confused and irritated
                                                                                                                                                                                      have changed to an efficient two-          actually cares. Plus, it’s not like we
       he city of Cedar Rapids isn’t messing                    The reaction from the crowd was more of a            when a reporter pointed out that water does not, in
                                                                                                                                                                                      page format. Honestly, there’s not         even want to cover this redundant
       around this year. They’ve brought in                stunned silence than expected. Schwarzenegger             fact, bleed, but his eyes lit up as he seemed to come
                                                                                                                                                                                      much out there that is worth cover-        crapola.
       the one thing that could stop another               went on to tell the crowd that water, although a          to some sort of understanding.
                                                                                                                                                                                      ing, and, as you can read above, we             Also, since readers complained
  devastating flood from occurring this year–the           major problem, is “not a tumor,” but is in fact some-          “This is nothing but a true lie!” he said. “I am
                                                                                                                                                                                      are going all-Twitter in a week, so        about so many of our cartoons, we
  Governator.                                              thing worse.                                              programmed to terminate water. My mission is to
                                                                “If this water is not terminated immediately, it     protect you from it. It will be no problemo.”                    why waste our time putting out a           decided to just remove them all.
        Arnold Schwarzenegger arrived in Cedar
                                                           will be the end of days for all of us,” he said. “Any          As those in attendance started laughing                     good newspaper?                                 Change is not easy for anyone,
  Rapids yesterday amidst much rejoicing, as rumors
                                                           water approaching cresting must be totally recalled,      amongst themselves and milled toward their cars,                      What you will no longer find in       especially our readers, who whine
  of him having a master plan to eliminate all poten-
                                                           and I will travel around the world for the next 80        Schwarzenegger got visibly upset, face bright red                the Gazelle is, well, most of every-       about everything, but The Gazelle
  tial future flooding in the world have been running
                                                           days to make sure this problem is taken care of.          from anger.                                                      thing. There will no longer be an          will continue to do what we want
  rampant in recent days. Schwarzenegger held a
                                                                “Water, watch out–I’m coming to erase you!”               He turned to his staff and told them to “get to             Opinion section, because nobody            without regard to your wishes.
  press conference right on the banks of the Cedar
                                                                When asked how he was going to accomplish            da choppa,” then walked off without a word. That                 cares about your or anybody elses               If you have a comment, please
  River, standing mere feet from the water as he
                                                           the preposterous task of eliminating the presence         is, until the helicopter took off, and he leaned out             opinion. You won’t find obituaries,        tell it to somebody who cares and
  revealed his plan to the large gathered crowd.
                                                           of water from the entire planet, Schwarzenneger           and could be heard clearly despite the noise of the              because frankly, people die every          don’t clutter our inbox or voicemail.
        “I’ve come from the great state of California to
                                                           said that he would “tell that water to GET DOWN!          aircraft.                                                        day, and, with the amount of losses        We have better stuff to do. Like
  start my plan right where it needs to,” he said at the
                                                           before I have to terminate it.”                                “Hasta la vista, baby,” he yelled. “I’ll be back!”          our community has recently suffered        blog.
  start of his speech. “I am here to stop the flooding.

                                                                                                                              News
Mount Mercy College takes unique step in preparation of another flood
          By Ryan Weinermann                        said Mount Mercy President Crisp Lake. “We           Lake explained. “We knew that we could                   back from spring break, so our legs should be         may have moved to a location quite far away by
                       Da Boss                      went ahead with the campaign regardless, but         not afford to lose precious days of education            fresh and we should be able to move quickly.”         that time, Mount Mercy has planned ahead to
     The flood of 2008 left much in its wake–       invested the money in an area we felt more nec-      due to weather or flooding if we want to gain                 Among the chief concerns of the new plan         avoid getting stuck. New staff has been hired
destruction, despair, anger, confusion. Much        essary to ensure the safety of our institution.”     University status, so we will monitor river              is the question of where the boats will go once       with the sole purpose of monitoring water
has been made of the government’s and the           The houseboats, which are expected to take           levels on a daily basis and move classes to the          they are loaded up with people and classes.           levels, and technicians are in place to calculate
state’s poor recovery efforts.                      up an inordinate amount of space on the small        boats if we deem it necessary.”                          Lake said that the college plans to anchor the        precisely how much time it will take for waters
     One local institution has taken it upon        campus, will be used in an effort to keep classes         Lake said the college plans to use the first        boats on campus to avoid any motion sickness          to recede and make travel by boat impossible.
itself to take steps toward decreasing the impact   going in case of another flood. When students        Wednesday of each month as a practice for                during classes, but added that if waters get high          “We will know exactly how much time
of any potential future floods, choosing not to     register for their Fall 2009 classes, their sched-   efficiently relocating faculty, staff and students       enough, there is a route in place to get the boats    we have to get back to campus,” said Lake.
rely on the government or the state any longer.     ule will now include two locations for each          to the boats. As the city runs a test of the emer-       out of the area.                                      “These people have complex formulas that
     Mount Mercy College announced yester-          class.                                               gency sirens on those days, the school figured it             “We don’t want students getting sick and         will determine our precise departure time, so
day that they have purchased a “significant              One example, which Lake presented in a          could use that as a sort of “flood drill” alarm.         missing classes, so we don’t want to move the         getting stuck away from Cedar Rapids will be
amount” of boats, which will be stored in vari-     PowerPoint presentation, showed a class called            The first of those tests is set to occur April      boats while we are in session,” he said. “After       impossible.”
ous spots around campus in anticipation of the      “Introduction to Religion.” The class meets          8. The college said it hopes to get everything           all, that’s the entire reason we bought these              The boats are set to arrive on campus next
next big flood.                                     Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 10 to 11           transferred over to the boats in a matter of five        boats; to keep students in class and not affect       week. The college expedited the purchase and
     “We decided that running a campaign to         a.m., and was listed as being located in both        minutes.                                                 their education.”                                     delivery process in a precautionary move in
obtain gifts to go toward our master plan and       310 Warde Hall and MC7.                                   “Five minutes does not seem unreasonable                 Another concern is what will happen once         case a flood hits in the coming weeks.
improving the campus was no longer prudent,”             “The ‘MC’ stands for mobile classroom,”         to me,” said professor Jon Shelfer. “We just got         waters recede. Lake said that, while the boats




            EE           Get More NewsallOnline                                                                                                                  v Nun ghost in Warde Hall renounces vows, runs off with Elvis

       F  R              Why buy a dead tree when it’s free?
                                                                                                                                                                 v MMC offers all on-line degree ... for your computer
                                                                                                                                                                 v Loch Ness monstor spotted in Our Lady of Sorrows Grotto
2A       The Gazette, Wednesday, April 1, 2009

                                                                                                                                    News

U.S to annex Canada, Alaska newly independent
         By Rob Rayason                          Thutmosis IV from Egypt’s XVIII               Congress fully and unanimously sup-         if we weren’t really Americans to start
        Nome, Alaska Correspondent               dynasty, but which was in fact reporter       ported the move.                            with, eh? I mean, we all lived close to
     REUTERS – Declaring in a folksy,            Helen Thomas.                                       From their fortified bunker in        the border, ate McDonalds and didn’t
metaphor-filled speech today that                     Alaska’s unprecedented secession         Nome, Alaska Congressional repre-           have any culture to speak of. I guess
Alaska had had “just about enough of             has left the Obama administration             sentatives from the formerly existing       we were just in denial. Get it? Eh? In
Washington’s broken politics,” Alaskan           reeling. President Obama’s poll num-          Republican Party cheered Alaskan            da Nile!” said former Prime Minister
Governor Sarah Palin told a crowd                bers have dipped slightly since the           independence. “At last,” said former        Stephen Harper.
of well-wishers that Alaska would                annexation of Canada last month, and          Senator and war hero Don McLean,                 Canadian soldiers were due to the
“find our own way, don’tcha know.”               sources close to the Oval Office have         “we can pump all the oil and cut down       Alaskan front in an effort to recover at
Palin’s speech came on the heels of              reported that Palin’s actions were likely     all the trees we want!” Deported from       least a portion of the North Slope oil
Alaska’s declaration of independence,            in response to the conquest of Canada,        American soil after being deemed “not       fields before the Obama administra-
announced yesterday to the Anchorage             Alaska having more in common with             sufficiently hopeful,” these individuals    tion realized that, as an oxymoron,
Daily News.                                      that nation than the United States.           had lingered in Canada before seeking       the Canadian military did not, in fact,
     White House spokesman Robert                “Solidarity with Canada” is their ral-        this latest refuge.                         exist.
Fibbs seemed stunned as he attempted             lying cry.                                          It seems President Obama will be           Finally, tensions from the 2008
to answer the flurry of questions direct-             The breach between Alaska and            able to indulge his fetish for all things   presidential election seem to be
ed at him by members of the White                America is likely to cost the U.S. dear-      Lincoln, as he too is now Commander-        resurfacing in this conflict. Asked to
House press pool. “At this time, no,             ly. U.S. public debt is now approxi-          in-Chief during a civil war. It remains     comment on her attitude toward war
we cannot confirm Governor Palin’s               mately $150 trillion, according to the        to be seen, though, whether, after pas-     against Obama’s America, Palin yelled
actions. Yes, we are certain that mili-          Congressional Budget Office. China’s          sage of his third $18 trillion spending     “Lipstick on a pig? I’m putting some
tary installations are under control,”           refusal to loan any more money to             bill, he will be able to afford to defend   lipstick on an ICBM,” before bran-
Fibbs stated. Fibbs was momentarily              America had triggered President               the Union.                                  dishing a hunting rifle and donning a                                                          Photo illustration by Ryan Weinermann
caught off guard by what appeared to             Obama’s bid to make Canada the 51st                 And through all of the fuss, the      bright orange jacket.                      A now inaccurate illustration of the new United States, which is down to 50
be the mummified body of Pharaoh                 state, in order to seize its oil and natu-    Canadians appear to be taking things                                                   states again after Sarah Palin announced Alaska’s secession. When asked if
                                                 ral resources to stimulate the economy.       in stride. “Well, you know, it’s not as                                                Alaska would fight if it came down to it, Palin responded, “You betcha!”

                                                                                                                                                                               News
                 Brush of the                                                                  Nuns occupy Mount Mercy College gym
                 Five Seasons                                                                       By Katrina Navratilova
                                                                                                            Nun Correspondent
                                                                                                    The recent success of the wom-
                                                                                               en’s basketball team at Mount Mercy
                                                                                                                                                “Just basketball exists right now,”
                                                                                                                                           said Mary. “Everything else goes to ly!”
                                                                                                                                           the side. We must work hard to be the
                                                                                                                                           best!”
                                                                                                                                                                                         We should share the space, sure-

                                                                                                                                                                                         The students already wrote a let-
                                                                                                                                                                                    ter of complaint to the president of
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  basketball team.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Mary said the team has made big
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  progress since they started to practice.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  She has already contacted the women’s
                                                                                               College has inspired the Sisters of              The nuns are excited by their the college, Dr. Crisp Lake. McCard                 basketball teams in the surrounding
                                                                                               Mercy to create their own basketball        new activity and goals and take it said that if the letter doesn’t change              area, who Mount Mercy nuns can
                                                                                               team. Fifteen nuns put together a team      very seriously, practicing day and anything, they will organize a noisy                scrimmage with.
                                                                                               with high ambitions: to play in the         night. They have practically occupied demonstration.                                        “The only problem we really have
                                                                                               national tournament next year.              the      Hennessey                                                  “When the          to solve is the clothing,” said Sister
                                                                                                    Sister Mary, 78, took the lead and
                                                                                               became the head coach of the team
                                                                                                                                           Recreation Center.
                                                                                                                                                Students of       “ Just basketball exists
                                                                                                                                                                                                          girls are not on
                                                                                                                                                                                                          the court, they
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Mary.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       “The ordinary long dresses are
                                                                                               due to, well, age.                          Mount Mercy don’t right now. Everything else work out in the                           very uncomfortable and unpractical
                                                                                                    “I’m the coach, because I’m the        have a chance to get goes to the side. We must fitness room,”                          for a game. They aren’t breezy at all
                                                                                               oldest,” said Mary. “I’m not going to
                                                                                               run back and forth on the court like
                                                                                                                                           in there ever since
                                                                                                                                           the nuns infiltrated
                                                                                                                                                                                                       ”
                                                                                                                                                                  work hard to be the best! said Sister Mary.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          “There        isn’t
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  and the girls step on them constantly.”
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       According to Sister Mary, the
                                                                                               crazy. Some of the girls are young.         and are planning to                          Sister Mary space for any-                nuns’ team will receive a set of jerseys
                                                                                               They can do that, but I won’t.”             protest.                                                 Nun body else in the          soon. They will forgo the colors of the
                                                                                                    Just several months younger, Sister            “We used                                               building.”              college, however, and be a fitting black
                                                                                               Patty, 77, said she didn’t want to run      to play soccer every other day in             Furthermore, the head coach              and white color scheme.
                                                                                               either and said she would apply for the     Hennessey,” said Redd McCard. doesn’t want anybody to know the
                                                                                               job of assistant coach.                     “Where should we go now?                 tactics and game strategies of the nuns’


                                                                                                                                                          News                                                                                          The
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Post-Literate
                                                                                               MMC enacts no-flush toilet policy                                                                                                                 Bookstore

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Grand
                                                                                                     By Regan Slottalacek                  to even use the restrooms on campus             There will be one toilet that
                                                                                                            Selling-stuff Manager          anymore. I might just drive to the         remains flushable throughout the
                                                                                                    “In tough economic times we all        nearest store if I have to go. It might    week, but the only people allowed



                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Opening!
                                                                                               have to make sacrifices,” said President    not be as nice, but at least I can flush   to use these are those with a doctor’s
                                                                                               of Mount Mercy College Crisp Lake,          the toilet.”                               excuse. If you have a doctor’s excuse
                                                                                               during a recent press conference. “This           The amount of money that will        facilities will let you check out keys on
                                                                                               is a sacrifice that students, faculty and   be saved by only flushing toilets once     a per use basis. Keys will be kept at the
                                                                                               staff can make together to make a dif-      a week is enough to send five stu-         switchboard.
                                                                                               ference.”                                   dents to school for all four years of             “Although this isn’t a traditional
                                                                                                    The sacrifice that students, faculty   their education. The school is looking     way to make cuts, I hope that every-
                                                                                               and staff will be forced to make start-     into other radical cutbacks that will      one understands that desperate times         In de ol’ Publick Liebrary
                                                                                               ing today is the loss of flushing privi-    allow the school to save money. Some       call for desperate measures,” said SGA       billding, the Past-Literr8
                                                                                               leges on campus. All toilet handles         ideas being tossed around are reusing      President, Seth Payback. “Maybe we           Boockstore es hoolding a Gran
                                                                                               and other means to flush the toilets        discarded food in the cafeteria, only      can start a trend and other colleges will    Opening ths weekend, frum
                                                                                               will be removed, and facilities will be     washing cafeteria dishes once a week       follow our lead.”                            9 ay.m. until 9 pee.m. both
                                                                                               in charge of flushing the toilets once a    and removing all sinks from campus.             Mount Mercy has received mixed          Satuday and Sinday. Everting is
                                                                                               week on Sunday evenings.                         “What is next, students are going     reviews on the matter but plans to           half-pryced during teh event, so
                                                                                                    “I can’t believe that more people      to be forced to defecate in bags and       move forward. If students have any           down’t mess out!
                                                       Photo illustration by Ryan Weinermann   aren’t getting upset about this,” said      take it home with them?” said Mount        questions, comments, or complaints
                                                                                                                                           Mercy alumnus Carl Spackler. “They         they are to be directed to Lundy Desk.       Itims freatured at the bukstore
     The newly-constructed Cedar Rapids city logo towers trium-                                freshman Juniper Frost. “I don’t want                                                                                               enclude:
                                                                                                                                           are treating the students like dogs.”
     phantly. The Brush of the Five Seasons replaced the Tree of the                                                                                                                                                                   v  Plces to sit!
     Five Seasons in an effort to give C.R. a new identity.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       v  Home bruwed coffee!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       v  A wide range of patries!
     Cedar Rapids unveils new logo aimed                                                                                                                                                                                               v  Rulls!
     at changing perceptions of the city
                                                                                                                         This week:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       v  Brownees!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       v  VDVs!
        By Ryan Weinermann                           This is a new publicity effort                                                                                                                                                    v  SeeDs!
                   Da Boss                       to get things moving and flush                                                                                                                                                        v  Candey!
        The city logo of Cedar                   away the problems the city has                                                                                                                                                        v  Gift cords!
     Rapids has been changed to
     what it has resembled for oh-so-
                                                 faced in the past. Callahan said
                                                 he wants to clear away block-
                                                                                                                         Do you have to be stoned to appreciate                                                                        v  Shurts!
     long–a toilet brush.                        ages caused by the flood of                                             the new Gazelle?                                                                                              v  Poosters!
         Choosing to embrace the
                                                 2008, and hopes to get the gov-                                                                                                                                                       v  Watery boottles!
     well-documented smell of the
                                                 ernment to speed up their flood
                                                                                                                         Our roundtable panel of illegal                                                                               v  Soft drunks!
     city, and recognizing how the
                                                 relief by putting the city back in
                                                 the national spotlight.                                                                                                                                                               v  Suft surv eye scream!
     tree symbol really looked like a
                                                    “This city has really gone
                                                                                                                         substance users weighs in.                                                                                    v  Small gooft items!
     toilet brush anyway, the city has
     spent $950, 80 percent of which             down the tubes since the                                                                                                                                                              v  Harts!
     came from FEMA money, to                    floods,” said Smug Oldmann,                                             Watch “Methical Perspectives on the                                                                           v  Gooft cards!
     update its image.                           president and CEO of the Cedar
                                                                                                                         News” every Sunday morning at                                                                                 v  Vido games!
        “It’s a heck of a bargain,”
                                                 Rapids Downtown District.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       v  Bored games!
     said Cedar Rapids Mayor Ray
                                                 “We need the government to
                                                 just plug its nose and plunge
                                                                                                                         9 a.m. on Channel IX.                                                                                         v  Flashlites!
     Callahan, shortly after waking
                                                 right in to helping restore the                                                                                                                                                       v  Meents!
     up from a nap during his intro-
     duction. “We’ve been called the
                                                 great city of Cedar Rapids.”                                                                                                                                                          v  Goom!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       v  Pocket knaves!

                                                                                                          Methical Perspectives on the News
     number one place not to visit in               City officials wouldn’t com-
     America because of the smell,               ment on what other changes                                                                                                                                                        Wee poot the “stoore” in
     so we figured we’d cling to                 might be coming down the                                                                                                                                                          bookstoore--everthing u want
     that and run with the publicity             pipeline, only saying that the                                                                                                                                                    en ur cozy lettle bookship,
     of being number one at some-                next change is “gonna be a big                                                                                                                                                    weethout de anoying boks.
     thing.”                                     one.”

								
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