Cup of Joe by efw18411

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									           CUP OF JOE

             PILOT



    REVISED DRAFT 08/10/2009




        By: Joey Milillo




                               1 

 
    CUP OF JOE

                          COLD OPEN

    1. INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY

    (JOE)

    WIDE SHOT OF THE ROOM. A COUNTER STUFFED WITH
    SNACK FOODS, A SINK, A MICROWAVE. SHELVES ABOVE,
    A REFRIGERATOR, AND A STORAGE PANTRY WITH A
    “CHOKING” POSTER.



    GRADUALLY WE COME TO FOCUS ON THE COFFEE POT,
    SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTER. IT’S ONE OF
    THOSE MID-SIZE, COMMUNITY COFFEE MACHINES, SINGLE
    BURNER, WITH A TANK ABOVE AND A RED “ON” LIGHT
    BELOW THE BURNER. SUDDENLY, THE POT HISSES, THEN…
    COUGHS? QUCIKLY, WE CUT TO:



    2. INT. RECEPTION AREA – DAY

      (BEN, CARLI, TAMARA)

    MUSIC: PUNK RIFF.

    MID-AFTERNOON IN THE RECEIVING OFFICES OF SCHWAPP
    INVESTMENTS, A HOUSTON, TX INVESTMENT FIRM.
    BUSTLING ACTIVITY. BEHIND THE RECEPTIONISTS’ DESK
    IS CARLI, A PRETTY, SWEET TWENTY-SOMETHING WITH
    AN ENGLISH DEGREE. SHE IS TRANSFERRING A PHONE
    CALL WHEN BEN FOSTER, ALSO TWENTY-SOMETHING, IN A
    DARK SUIT, ENTERS. BEN’S A LITTLE RED BEHIND THE
    EYES, BUT HE’S HOLDING IT TOGETHER.



                            CARLI

                     (HAPPY TO SEE HIM)

    Ben!    How was the memorial service?

                             BEN

    Could’ve been better.

                            CARLI

    Why? What happened?
                                                        2 

 
                              BEN

    So we’re all there at the funeral home, talking,
    and crying, and laughing as we remember what a
    great guy Joe was, right? And Joe, as you know,
    he wasn’t the most religious guy –

                             CARLI

    He thought the cross around my neck was a vampire
    deterrent.

                              BEN

    Well, it is, isn’t it?

                             CARLI

    Well, yeah, but through the power of, you know,
    Jesus.

                              BEN

    Sure – point is, his mom’s minister was really
    mingling, trying to get an idea of him so he has
    something to say in the eulogy. Of course, most
    Joe stories aren’t really appropriate to tell in
    front of his grieving mother, so this minister’s
    got nothing.

                    CARLI

    So the minister gave a bad eulogy?

                              BEN

    No – he died.

                             CARLI

    Idiot! How was I supposed to get that from your
    set up?



    CARLI SWATS BEN ON THE ARM.



                              BEN

    I was leading up to it!



                                                        3 

 
                            CARLI

    Gah! – go on!

                             BEN

    Anyway, the minister was getting really
    frustrated, so he excused himself to the
    bathroom, where he apparently had a massive heart
    attack. When he didn’t come out after a while, we
    began to think that he’d escaped out the window.
    So Joe’s uncle Martin broke down the door,
    yelling, “Dammit, Father Hodges, you’d better be
    dead or halfway to Mexico!”



    AS THEY’RE TALKING, TAMARA, ANOTHER OF THE FIRM’S
    INVESTMENT WORKERS, JOINS THEM AT THE RECEPTION
    DESK. TAMARA IS IN HER LATE 30’S AND IS,
    GENERALLY SPEAKING, ACERBIC.



                            CARLI

                    (SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER)

    Oh, no!

                             BEN

    Needless to say, Joe’s death was somewhat
    overshadowed.

                            CARLI

    Who gave the eulogy?

                             BEN

    That would be me.

                            CARLI

    Well, I’m glad. I’m sure you did your part to
    liven up the proceedings. (BEAT) That’s a joke.



    FINALLY, BEN SMILES.




                                                        4 

 
                             BEN

    Thanks. What time is it?

                            CARLI

    Almost 1:30.

                             BEN

    Are you serious? Crap, I’ve got my job
    performance review with Fogle at 2:00!

                            TAMARA

    Today? Fogle wouldn’t reschedule?

                             BEN

                       (SARCASTIC)

    Hey, I got the morning off, didn’t I? (Beat) Do I
    look okay?

                            CARLI

    You look like you’ve been crying.

                            TAMARA

    You should go get a cup of coffee.

                             BEN

    I could really go for a beer.

                            CARLI

    Ben, you’ve got to get Joe out of your mind for
    now and focus.

    (OFF HIS LOOK)

    I know, I know, easier said than done, but look
    at it this way – a part of Joe will be with you
    forever, no matter what happens. And if you’re
    lucky, that part of him will be your guardian
    angel and help keep your ass from getting fired.

                             BEN

    You’re right. Thanks!

                                                        5 

 
    BEN EXITS HASTILY INTO THE BREAK ROOM.



                         TAMARA

    That poor,poor knucklehead. He’s really taking
    this hard.

                          CARLI

    I don’t blame him. Ben and Joe were more than
    friends. They were the inseparable office goof-
    offs. It’s going to be really hard to imagine
    this office without the both of them around here
    making life interesting.



    CUT TO:

    3. INT. BREAK ROOM – Day

    (BEN, JOE)

    BEN ENTERS THE EMPTY BREAK ROOM, AND POURS
    HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE, SITTING DOWN AT THE
    LUNCH TABLE.



                           BEN

    Joe – Joe – Joe- Joe – Joey- Joe. Things are
    gonna be weird now, buddy. Who’s going to stand
    lookout while I superglue Fogle’s window shut?
    Who’s going to tell me I have a chance with
    Carli? What am I going to do now?



    SUDDENLY, FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, A SEEMINGLY
    DISEMBODIED VOICE CHIMES IN.



                           JOE

                  (WITH GHOSTLY REVERB)

    Well, for starters, you could turn off my burner!


                                                        6 

 
    BEN DOES A SPIT TAKE.

                            BEN

    What?!

                            JOE

                     (LOSES REVERB)

    Seriously, dude, the pot’s starting to brown.

                            BEN

    Who the hell is that?

                            JOE

    Look over at the coffee pot, Ben.



    ANGLE ON - POV: OVER JOE’S SHOULDER.



    BEN LOOKS AT THE POT. TO HIS SURPRISE / HORROR,
    IT BLINKS WHEN IT TALKS.



                       JOE (cont.)

    I am Joe Fredericks, your daily source of
    caffeine. So, how was my funeral?




                     END COLD OPEN.




                                                      7 

 
                          ACT I

    4. INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY – CONTINUOUS

    (BEN, JOE, ROD)

    BEN IS VISIBLY FREAKED OUT.



                           BEN

    Joe?

                           JOE

    Benji…

                           BEN

    This is going to sound like a stupid question,
    but why is the voice of my recently deceased best
    friend coming out of the office coffee pot?



                           JOE

    Well, it’s complicated – a lot of it is stuff
    that you as one of the living aren’t allowed to
    know about, and some of it is stuff that I as a
    ghost am not even privy to, so let’s just say for
    the time being that I am the ghost of your friend
    Joe Fredericks, stunningly and improbably
    reincarnated as a Community Coffee brand coffee
    maker and pot.

                           BEN

    Reincarnated?

                           JOE

    Well, not really. I wasn’t re-born as a coffee
    pot, lying in wait to spring this revelation on
    you the day of my funeral. If that were the case,
    don’t you think I would’ve warned me at some
    point to never, ever get wasted before enjoying
    balcony seats at a Skinny Puppy concert, lest I
    decide to ill-advisedly hurl myself a hundred
    feet below to the stage?



                                                        8 

 
                           BEN

    Yeah… probably…

                           JOE

    Course I would. But I’m not really a ghost
    either, being as I am confined to this coffee
    pot, and seeing as how I can feel and smell
    everything that happens to me.

                           BEN

    I’m confused.

                           JOE

    Ben, take it from someone who’s had all morning
    to brew over the situation. (LAUGHS) Sorry. Ghost
    in a coffee pot joke. Come on, who died?

                           BEN

    You did.

                           JOE

    Oh, right. Too soon?

    (OFF BEN’S LOOK)

    Don’t dwell on it. Just accept it. I’m the coffee
    pot now.

                           BEN

    That’s easy for you to say. It isn’t like you got
    transferred to the break room. You don’t have a
    human body anymore.

                           JOE

    Okay, sure, that sucks a little. We can’t go out
    for a beer anymore, or scare people with our
    homemade Muppets in the park, but we still get to
    hang out at the office now, right?

                           BEN

    Yeah, listen… Joe. I’m not sure how much of this
    is all in my head, so I’m going to go now. You
    understand, right?



                                                        9 

 
                              JOE

    Aw, come on, Ben! I don’t see what’s so hard
    about this, other than the fact that it defies
    all reason and logic!



    ENTER ROD FRANCO, MID-FORTIES, GOOD-LOOKING, THE
    INVESTMENT FIRM’S HOT-SHOT BROKER.

                              ROD

    Foster! How ya –



    ROD SEES BEN’S FACE, WHICH IS STILL REGISTERING A
    HIGH LEVEL OF BEWILDERMENT.



                          ROD (cont.)

    Whoa! What’s the matter? Coffee too strong?

                              BEN

    You might say that.

                              JOE

    Get lost, Franco!



    ROD CLEARLY DOES NOT HEAR JOE.



                              ROD

    Did it finally arouse you from your permanent
    slumber?

                              BEN

    It’s, um – it’s talking to me.

                              ROD

                        (FAKE LAUGH)

    Ha-ha! I hear that!

                                                        10 

 
                           BEN

                  (MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)

    Um, no you don’t, apparently.

                           JOE

    Rod, can’t you see Ben and I are having a
    conversation? I wish I were a poltergeist.



    ROD POURS HIMSELF A CUP AND IS GONE. BEN TURNS TO
    JOE.



                           BEN

    He can’t hear you.

                           JOE

    Nope. Only you can.

                           BEN

    Okay, now I know I’m hallucinating. Probably that
    Valium your cousin Sophie gave me at the service.

                           JOE

    You let Sophie give you a Valium?! Oh, man, maybe
    I am a hallucination.

                           BEN

    I gotta go.



    BEN EXITS QUICKLY.



                           JOE

    Ben! Hey, Ben! Come back here!



    BIANCA, AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE OFFICE WORKER COMES
    IN.

                                                        11 

 
                       JOE (cont.)

    Oh, well. He’ll be back. They always come back.
    Hey, Bianca. Come over here and give Joe some
    sugar.



    CUT TO:

    5. FOGLE’S OFFICE – DAY

    (FOGLE, BEN)

    LYNDON FOGLE, MID-FORTIES, IS BEN’S TOOL-ISH
    SUPERVISOR. HUMORLESS, UPTIGHT, YOU KNOW THE
    DEAL. FOGLE IS SITTING ON THE EDGE OF HIS DESK
    GIVING HIS PERFORMANCE REVIEW TO BEN, WHO SITS IN
    A CHAIR OPPOSITE, ALREADY LOOKING DEJECTED.



                          FOGLE

    … add up your chronic tardiness, your generally
    sloppy appearance, and the now-predictable
    disappearance of office supplies to your
    seemingly non-existent level of interest in this
    job, I just don’t see how I can recommend you for
    a pay raise this year.

                              BEN

    Thanks for the words of encouragement.

                          FOGLE

    You know, Foster, I don’t know why you still work
    here at all. If it weren’t for the fact that you
    manage to meet your quarterly quotas, I’d have
    been able to bounce you from this office a long
    time ago.

                              BEN

    So what’s my grade, then? “Disappointingly
    satisfactory?”



    FOGLE SOFTENS, FORCES A SMILE.

                                                        12 

 
                          FOGLE

    Foster, a guy with your talents should be
    climbing the ladder, but it’s going to take more
    than a good golf game and a knack for charming
    clients to impress old man Schwapp, believe you
    me. You have to learn to play the game. Sadly, I
    just don’t think you have it in you.

                           BEN

    What game are we talking about here, Fogle? The
    one where you stay at work until nine at night?
    The one where you have monthly birthday parties
    that turn into policy meetings? I’ve got a game
    that works by my rules, and I play it pretty
    well.

                          FOGLE

    I know your game, Foster. It’s the game   that
    substitutes spackle for cream cheese on   my Monday
    morning bagel, or the one that sends me   automated
    wake-up calls from Hannah Montana. Your   game is
    not conducive to an office environment,   it
    breeds…

                           BEN

    Happiness?

                          FOGLE

    Disrespect. And as soon as I can prove that
    you’re the one responsible for these pranks,
    along with Fredericks, before… well, let’s just
    say I’m glad to have my workload cut in half,
    shall we?

                           BEN

    Are we done here?

                          FOGLE

    Far from it. But you can go.



    BEN RISES AND EXITS FOGLE’S OFFICE.



    CUT TO:
                                                          13 

 
    6. RECEPTION AREA – DAY, CONTINUOUS

    (BEN, CARLI, FOGLE, TAMARA)

    BEN EXITS FOGLE’S OFFICE. CARLI IS SITTING AT HER
    DESK, AND TAMARA STANDS BESIDE IT, READING A
    MAGAZINE. AS BEN COMES IN, CARLI LOOKS UP,
    ANXIOUSLY.



                            CARLI

    So? How’d it –



    BEN DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HER AS STORMS INTO THE
    CUBICLE FARM ON THE WAY TO HIS DESK.



                            TAMARA

    Better than expected.



    FOGLE ENTERS FROM HIS OFFICE, BARELY CONCEALING
    HOW PLEASED HE IS WITH HIMSELF.



                            FOGLE

    Carli, I’m going to the break room. Send all
    calls to my voice mail.

                            CARLI

    Sure thing.



    FOGLE STARTS FOR THE BREAK ROOM. WITHOUT BREAKING
    HIS STRIDE:



                            FOGLE

    Mrs. Matthews, although I’m not sure I would
    recognize you without Carli’s desk growing out of
    your mid-section, I should remind you that her
    desk is not yours.
                                                        14 

 
    AND FOGLE IS GONE.



                           TAMARA

    I would say something to him right now, but
    that’s not what Jesus wants.

                             CARLI

    What does Jesus want, Tamara?

                           TAMARA

    Jesus wants me to keep my job.

                             CARLI

    He’s probably not so keen on crushed windpipes,
    either.

                           TAMARA

    Damn, you sound just like Revered Lawson.



    CUT TO:

    7. INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY

    (FOGLE, BIANCA, JOE)

    FOGLE ENTERS AS BIANCA, THE OFFICE WORKER FROM
    BEFORE, IS FISHING AROUND IN THE CABINET ABOVE
    THE COFFEE MAKER.



                              JOE

    That’s right… reach WAAAY up there…

                             FOGLE

    Looking for something?

                           BIANCA

    Just the non-dairy creamer, sir.



                                                      15 

 
                           FOGLE

    We keep it at Carli’s desk now. Too many people
    were… abusing the privilege.



    CUT TO:

    8. FLASHBACK – FOGLE’S OFFICE, DAY

    (FOGLE)

    FOGLE ENTERS THE OFFICE WITH HIS BRIEFCASE AND
    HIS BAGEL, BLEARY-EYED. HE PULLS BACK HIS CHAIR,
    AND SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK. SQUISH. OFF FOGLE’S
    REACTION –



    CUT TO:

    9. BREAK ROOM – PRESENT DAY

    (FOGLE, BIANCA, JOE)

                           FOGLE

    Got your coffee? Good, then get out of here. I
    need to use this room.



    BIANCA EXITS, A LITTLE PUT OUT. FOGLE TAKES OUT
    HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS.



                            JOE

    Bianca, wait! Hm. Just as well. I’m not quite
    sure where things were supposed to fit in that
    scenario.

                           FOGLE

    Hello, Mr. Schwapp? Lyndon Fogle here; I just
    wanted to let you know that I’ve asked one of our
    brokers, Ben Foster, to spearhead that
    presentation tomorrow morning on how we can reach
    out to our disposable income demographic. Yes
    sir. Well, you know me – I love to delegate
    responsibility as a way of testing our up and
    comers here at Schwapp Invest – what? Well, sir,
                                                        16 

 
                      FOGLE (cont.)

    my knowledge of livestock is fairly limited, but
    under those circumstances, I think you have to
    buy that cow. You know, the you break it, you
    bought it principle. Of course. See you tomorrow.
    (HANGS UP THE PHONE, REDIALS.) Carli? I’m in the
    break room. No, my outgoing calls are still being
    redirected to an establishment called The Smokin’
    Pole for some reason, so I have to use my cell
    phone.

                           JOE

    Ah, the router. Best hundred bucks I ever spent.

                          FOGLE

    Listen, I want you to notify Mr. Foster for me
    that I’ve decided to give him tomorrow off.
    Bereavement leave, you know. Well, Fredericks and
    he were very close as I understand it. What? Yes,
    this is really Lyndon Fogle! Look, I’ll come out
    there and prove it to you.



    FOGLE EXITS. TIGHT CLOSE UP ON JOE.

                           JOE

    Well, well! That was halfway human of Fogle
    there. Not only does Ben get the day off to
    grieve me tomorrow, but he’s going to get to give
    a really important presentation to Mr. Schwapp…
    tomorrow. Oh, no! I’ve got to warn Ben!



    PULL BACK TO REVEAL JOE, STILL FIRMLY EMBEDDED ON
    THE BREAK ROOM COUNTER, AS WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF
    HIM GRUNTING AND STRAINING TO MOVE. FINALLY, HE
    SCOOTS – MAYBE AN INCH.



                       JOE(cont.)

    Hm. This could be tougher than it looks.



                        END ACT I

                                                        17 

 
                           Act II



    10. INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY

    (TAMARA, JOE)

    TAMARA ENTERS THE BREAK ROOM, GOES TO THE FRIDGE,
    AND GETS HERSELF A PUDDING CUP.



                            JOE

    Tamara! Thank God, Tamara, you’ve got to help me!
    (NO AVAIL) Stupid ghost-in-a-coffee-pot rules!
    Got to think: how can I get a message to Ben when
    he’s the only one who can hear me? I’ve got to
    get him into the break room, somehow.



    11. INT. RECEPTION AREA – DAY

    (TAMARA, CARLI, BEN)

    CARLI IS SITTING AT HER DESK WHEN WE HEAR TAMARA
    SCREAM FROM INSIDE THE BREAK ROOM.



                           CARLI

    Tamara?



    TAMARA EXITS FROM THE BREAK ROOM, HER BLOUSE
    SOAKED IN COFFEE.



                      CARLI(cont.)

    Oh my God! What happened?

                           TAMARA

    Girl, I was just trying to enjoy my pudding cup,
    that’s all. I just wanted some pudding. Then the
    damn coffee pot attacked me. Where I grew up,
    you’d call that a sign that today is not meant
    for you. I’m going home for the day.

                                                        18 

 
                          CARLI

    What will I tell Fogle?

                         TAMARA

    Give him this!



    SHE PULLS OFF HER BLOUSE, LEAVING HER IN HER BRA
    AND HER WORK PANTS. SHE THROWS IT ON CARLI’S DESK
    BEFORE GRABBING HER COAT AND PURSE, AND EXITING
    THE BUILDING.

    SFX: FROM OUTSIDE, WE HEAR CARS SCREECHING TO A
    HALT AND HONKING.

    CARLI, STUNNED, PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS AN
    EXTENSION.



                          CARLI

    Ben, can you do me a favor? Could you come up and
    watch the phones for me? I have to look at the
    coffee machine. Hello? Ben?



    BEN RUSHES IN FRANTICALLY FROM THE CUBICLE FARM.



                              BEN

    Something’s wrong with the coffee machine?

                          CARLI

    Apparently. It soaked Tamara’s blouse.

                              BEN

    Carli! Whatever you do, you cannot replace that
    machine.

                          CARLI

    Relax! I’m just going to look at it. You need to
    cut back on your caffeine.



                                                        19 

 
    SHE EXITS INTO THE BREAK ROOM.

                           BEN

    Relax, Ben. It’s not your friend. It’s just a
    coffee machine and its spraying women in the
    chest… oh, man! Carli! Joe!



    CUT TO:

    12. INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY

    (JOE, CARLI, BEN)

    CARLI IS APPROACHING THE COFFEE MACHINE.



                           JOE

    That’s right, come closer… every soaked blouse is
    a clue for Ben…



    BEN FRANTICALLY BURSTS IN.



                           BEN

    Carli, stop!

                          CARLI

    Ben, what is it? You scared me!

                           BEN

    It’s just that… you know, you shouldn’t have to
    do that. Fixing the coffee machine isn’t your
    job. It’s what we have a maintenance crew for.

                           JOE

    Nah, fool – they wear jumpsuits. Coffee stains
    don’t show up as well on jump suits!

                          CARLI

    I guess you’re right. I do way too much around
    here that isn’t technically my job, anyway.

                                                        20 

 
                           BEN

    Right on.

                          CARLI

    Between you and me, I’ve been thinking about
    quitting.

                           BEN

                   (VISIBLY SADDENED)

    Really? Why?

                          CARLI

    Well, my career isn’t really going anywhere, and
    I’ve almost saved up enough that I can go back
    for my master’s degree.

                           BEN

    Grad school, huh? What are you going to study?

                          CARLI

            (HER EXCITEMENT BARELY CONTAINED)

    Library sciences.

                           BEN

    You don’t say. I never would have figured you for
    an… organizer?

                          CARLI

    That’s ‘cause you haven’t seen my underwear
    drawer.

                           JOE

    Oh, man. I hope everyone likes their coffee with
    cream.

                           BEN

    Well, we sure would miss you around here.

                          CARLI

    Yeah, and I’d miss some of the people around
    here… more than they know.

                                                        21 

 
    THEY’RE TOO CLOSE TO A MOMENT, AND CARLI SENSES
    IT.

                        CARLI(cont.)

    Who’s watching the phone?

                              BEN

    Oh, I called Bianca up to do it.



    CUT TO:

    13. INT. RECEPTION AREA – DAY

    (BIANCA)

    BIANCA IS ON THE PHONE, EMPTYING THE BOWL OF NON-
    DAIRY CREAMER INTO HER PURSE.



                           BIANCA

    Schwapp investments…



    CUT TO:

    14. BREAK ROOM – DAY

    (BEN, JOE, CARLI)

                             CARLI

    I’d better get back there.

                              BEN

    Sure. I’ll call someone to take a look at the
    coffee machine.

                             CARLI

    Thanks. See you later.



    CARLI EXITS.


                                                        22 

 
                           JOE

    Dude. Dude. Do I have to say it?

                           BEN

    You’d better not. What are you trying to do?

                           JOE

    I’m trying to get your attention!

                           BEN

    Well, mission accomplished, but they’re going to
    haul your ass out of here if you keep
    malfunctioning like that!

                           JOE

    Point taken, only this is really important, bro.

                           BEN

    What? What could be so important?

                           JOE

                  (NOTICING SOMETHING)

    Hey, are you wearing my watch?

                           BEN

    Focus…

                           JOE

    Yeah, yeah. You know how you got the day off
    tomorrow?

                           BEN

    Yeah?

                           JOE

    Well, it’s bad mojo! Fogle told Mr. Schwapp
    you’re due to give a big presentation to the
    board tomorrow! If you aren’t there to give it…

                           BEN

    Then Fogle’s got a reason to fire me. Oh, wow.
    This is not good.
                                                       23 

 
                           JOE

    No, man, it’s a piece of cake. Now that you know
    that you’re supposed to be at that meeting
    tomorrow, all you have to do is be there to give
    that presentation!

                           BEN

    But I haven’t written a presentation! I don’t
    even know what it’s supposed to be about.

                           JOE

    I got you covered, hoss! The disposable income
    demographic. Namely, how does Schwapp come to be
    thought of as their waste basket.

                           BEN

    So I’ve got to stay up all night putting together
    a presentation?

                           JOE

    Looks like it. Good thing I’m a coffee pot and
    not the worm at the bottom of a mescal bottle,
    right?

                           BEN

    I guess so. Let’s get to work!

                           JOE

    Wait, wait, wait. Tonight’s Wednesday, right?

                           BEN

    Chill out, Joe.

                           JOE

    Look who you’re talking to.

                           BEN

    No, I mean, take it easy. The DVR will take care
    of America’s Next Top Model.

                           JOE

    Man, we’re such a great team!


                                                        24 

 
    MUSIC. DISSOLVE TO:



    15. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – THE NEXT DAY.

    (CARLI, SCHWAPP, FOGLE, BEN, BOARD MEMBERS)

    SITTING AT A BOARD TABLE ARE SOME BOARD MEMBERS.
    FOGLE STANDS AT THE END OF THE ROOM. THE DOOR
    OPENS, AND WE HEAR CARLI’S VOICE:

                           CARLI

    Right this way, Mr. Schwapp.



    T. D. SCHWAPP ENTERS, A MAN IN HIS LATE 50’S OR
    EARLY 60’S, BUT STILL VERY VITAL. HE WEARS A SUIT
    AND A COWBOY HAT. SCHWAPP ENTERS THE ROOM, AND
    SITS IN HIS SEAT AT THE HEAD OF THE CONFERENCE
    TABLE.



                          SCHWAPP

    Well, Fogle, where’s this big presentation I’m
    supposed to see? It hasn’t even started yet and
    I’m already bored.

                           FOGLE

    Hard to say, sir. Foster knows the presentation
    was supposed to start at nine…



    BEN SWEEPS INTO THE OFFICE WITH A REMOTE, AND A
    POWER POINT SLIDESHOW BEGINS ON THE SCREEN IN
    FRONT OF THEM AS THE LIGHTS IN THE ROOM GO DOWN.

                            BEN

    But the graphics department didn’t get me this on
    a flash drive until 8:50. Don’t be too hard on
    them sir, it slipped Fogle’s mind to tell them to
    whip these up for me.



    THE LOOK OF SHOCK ON FOGLE’S FACE IS EVIDENT.


                                                        25 

 
                          FOGLE

    Sir, I… that is, I didn’t intend for…

    OFF FOGLE’S WOODY ALLEN-ESQUE STAMMERING:



                         SCHWAPP

                     (BARELY CARES)

    Yeah, whatever, Fogle. Okay, kid – show us what
    you got.



    CUT TO:

    16. RECEPTION AREA – DAY

    (CARLI, ROD, BIANCA, TAMARA, SCHWAPP, FOGLE, BEN,
    JOE, BOARD MEMBERS)

    CARLI IS AT HER DESK, CHATTING WITH TAMARA AND
    BIANCA. ROD ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND ON CARLI’S
    DESK.



                           ROD

    Has anyone seen the non-dairy creamer?

                         BIANCA

    Hi, Rod. Nice tie!

                           ROD

    Thanks. Listen, Carli, is Fogle out of that
    meeting yet?

                          CARLI

    No, I think this meeting is going to take a
    little longer than Fogle anticipated.

                           ROD

    Hm. Okay, would you give him this for me?




                                                        26 

 
                          CARLI

    What’s is it?

                           ROD

    It’s a list of clients that make me sad. I want
    to see if he’ll pawn them off on Foster for me.

                         TAMARA

    I’ll take them, Rod. I could use a few more
    clients.

                           ROD

    Tamara, don’t take this the wrong way, but we
    want these clients to stay with Schwapp, and
    frankly… you’re scary.

                         TAMARA

    How do I not take that the wrong way?

                           ROD

    Not hitting me in the face would be a start.

                         BIANCA

    Look! The meeting’s breaking up.



    EVERYONE DOES THEIR BEST TO LOOK BUSY. THEIR
    SUCCESS IN THIS ENDEAVOR IS MIXED. THE CONFERENCE
    ROOM OPENS, AND THE BOARD MEMBERS FILE OUT,
    FOLLOWED BY FOGLE, LOOKING SHELL-SHOCKED AND
    HIGHLY FURIOUS, AND FINALLY, SCHWAPP, WITH HIS
    ARM AROUND BEN.



                         SCHWAPP

    Son, that was the best… well, I don’t know –
    thing I ever saw on whatever it was we were
    talking about.

                          FOGLE

    Yes, the animation of the talking cow was a nice
    touch.


                                                        27 

 
                           SCHWAPP

    Yeah, it was! (IMITATING THE COW) “You’ve got to
    –“

                        BEN & SCHWAPP

    “ – moo-ve your money around!”



    SCHWAPP LAUGHS HEARTILY.



                             BEN

    Well, I just wanted us to get into a way of
    thinking that brought our clients into terms we
    could understand. Our dem-moo-graphic, if you
    will.

                           SCHWAPP

                       (LAUGHING AGAIN)

    You betcha!

                            FOGLE

                      (EAGER TO JOIN IN)

    And I’m gonna get our clients in the “mooo-d” to
    do it!



    SFX: CRICKETS. FINALLY, ROD LAUGHS, BUT IT IS TOO
    LATE AND FOGLE KNOWS IT.

                             ROD

    Ha-ha! Fogle, you totally bombed!

                            FOGLE

    Thank you, Rod.

                           SCHWAPP

    Fogle, take care of this boy. He’s going places.
    I’m heading back out to the ranch for a long
    weekend. If you need me, don’t.


                                                        28 

 
    AND HE’S GONE.



                           FOGLE

    Well, I must say, Foster, that was… some
    presentation. (SOTTO VOCE) How did you find out
    about it? To what lengths does that infernal spy
    network you and Fredericks created reach?

                            BEN

    Well, sir, you know, we’ve always got something
    percolating.



    JOE YELLS FROM THE BREAKROOM:

                         JOE (O.S.)

    That’s a joke!

                           FOGLE

    Fine. I want you to spend the rest of the day in
    my office, Foster. You and I are going to expand
    your presentation, together, for a meeting with
    some of our stockholders.

                            BEN

    Sir, you know I’d love to, but I believe you gave
    me the rest of the day off. Bereavement, you
    know.

    BEN HANDS FOGLE THE MEMORY STICK.

    However, my files are right here, so if you want
    to, you know, do it yourself…



    FOGLE, FRUSTRATED, STORMS OFF.



                           TAMARA

    Well, look at you.




                                                        29 

 
                           BEN

    Yeah, I know. Don’t stand too close to me. I am
    radiant.

                         TAMARA

    I thought you were just greasy.

                           BEN

    Easy now. I come from Sicilian stock.



    THE ASSEMBLED CO-WORKERS BEGIN TO BREAK APART,
    HEADING BACK TO THEIR VARIOUS WORK STATIONS.



                           ROD

    Well, I’ve got work to do.

                         BIANCA

    Me, too.

                         TAMARA

    Whatever.

                          CARLI

    I think we’re all pretty busy, except you, Ben.

                           BEN

    What about you? You want to take a sick day,
    maybe join me for a victory lunch?

                          CARLI

    Thanks, but I can’t. I’m saving my PTO days for
    the summer recruiting seminars at the colleges.

                           BEN

    Right, right. Okay, well, I’ll see you later,
    okay?

                          CARLI

    I promise. You going home now?

                                                      30 

 
                           BEN

    In a minute. I just need to get a cup of coffee
    first.



    BEN EXITS INTO THE BREAK ROOM. FROM INSIDE, WE
    HEAR HIM CHEERING:



                        BEN(O.S.)

    We did it, buddy!

                        JOE (O.S.)

    Yeah, way to go Ben! – now give me my watch back.

                          TAMARA

    Ooh, child. That young man loves his coffee.



                        END ACT II




                                                        31 

 
                        EPILOGUE

    17. INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY

    (BEN, JOE)

    BEN SITS, TALKING WITH JOE.



                           BEN

    So, did you get to see heaven?

                           JOE

    Yeah, for a little bit. They told me I could come
    back someday, if I behaved myself.

                           BEN

    Any surprises?

                           JOE

    A couple. For instance, I didn’t know that when
    TV shows were cancelled, they either get assigned
    to heaven or hell.

                           BEN

    Really? What’s in heaven?

                           JOE

    Oh, you know, the good ones, like you’d expect.
    I Love Lucy, M*A*S*H, The Honeymooners, Cheers…

                           BEN

    And hell?

                           JOE

    Homeboys in Outer Space, According to Jim, Two
    and a Half Men…

                           BEN

    Two and a Half Men isn’t off the air yet.

                           JOE

    I know. It got special dispensation.

                                                        32 

 
                           BEN

    From who?

                           JOE

    The Pope.

                           BEN

    Ohhhh…

                           JOE

    Seriously, give it back.

                           BEN

    You are a ghost. Why do you need to tell time?

                           JOE

    So that I’ll know when it’s beatdown-thirty. Now
    give me my watch, or I swear to God I will find a
    way to start tasting like Rod’s hair gel.

                           BEN

                       (DISGUSTED)

    Goon!

                           JOE

    Yeah, you remember the time I made you drink that
    stuff, don’t you?

                           BEN

    It tasted like condom-flavored jello.

                           JOE

    That’s nasty.

                           BEN

    You brought it up. (BEAT) Its good to have you
    back, Joseph.




                        THE END.

                                                        33 

 

								
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