Editor Dan Trevarthen
speaks to real life former
FBI agent Joseph Pis-
tone, inspiration for the
ﬁlm Donnie Brasco.
satellite mag 2004
Issue 9, 2004. ISSN: 11735180
editor’s note As I write this, I have just turned 22 years Ah, I ramble a lot. Anyway, back to my
old. Getting old sucks. birthday. I’m going home now. I’m going to go
ice-skating with my friends soon. I can’t wait.
I always liked Peter Pan, how he never It will be awesome, and by awesome, I mean
grew up. I never wanted to grow up. My totally sweet.
parents told me that if I never wanted
to grow up, I never would. Maybe they Send me a birthday email, and include a letter to
meant this in a loose sense, but I like to the editor. Better yet, write for Satellite, that’d
think they were right. One day I decided I make my day: firstname.lastname@example.org
didn’t want to be a kid forever - and look
where I am now - a freaking adult.
Birthdays are so strange. I’m actually not
excited by them anymore. Scared might
be the word. Life is short, is the saying
coined by this generation. Of course, it is Satellite news
the longest thing that you’ll ever do, so
by that measure, that saying is ridiculous.
What they really mean is life is fast.
Way of the Wiseguy
Well, it’s still slower than everything else
you’ll do, but you know what I mean. I
know there’s a lot to go, but I can’t help
but be frightened by how fast the years
go by. Whatever happened to Smokey,
Interview with real life FBI
adventures in the yard, dressing up as
email@example.com Politics: Soapbox
Private Bag 102 904
superheroes? (ok, maybe I still try to do
that sometimes) Finding out a girl likes
you, and thinking about her for weeks
North Shore Mail Centre on end, without actually doing anything
Ph: 09 4439740, Fax: 09 4439745
But growing is hard, as Ben Folds put
it, ya’ll don’t know what it’s like, being
male, middle-class and white. And it’s
10-11Lil’ bits of humour
true, particular the male part. What does Article: Vernon God Little
Editorial policy it mean to be a guy in this world today?
Satellite will aim to provide a forum for the free exchange of ideas,
The lines are blurred, with this whole
- DBC Pierre
opinions and information for all students and inform students of
ASA activities. Editorial staff will attempt to present balanced metrosexual craze and everything. Male
16-17 Student news
coverage of all news and issues covered. While Satellite will work suicide statistics are ridiculously high,
to discourage blatant prejudice and discrimination, Satellite will
although they’re also relatively high for
promote healthy debate.
females in New Zealand. There’s a lot of Hot off the Prez
Pornographic images will not be considered for publication. pressure, and you can’t talk about stuff as
Contributions are encouraged. Contributions may be edited or much. It’s not cool, it’s not done. It’s a
18-19 AIR GUITAR
abridged and will be accepted at the discretion of the editor.
struggle to ﬁght against the independence
Letters of maledom and ﬁnd some accountability.
Letters to the editor are encouraged. Letters are published at the This place is ﬂeeting, you need to ﬁnd
editor’s discretion. All letters should be no more than 200 words and
people to talk to. I digress. Every advert
may be edited, abridged or discarded. Letters will not be published
unless the writer provides contact details and their full name. ASA on television makes guys look like morons Satellite Reviews
staff and members of the executive are entitled to immediate right or just plain silly. I have nothing against
of reply. Letters are considered property of Satellite. Sections not feminism, but is the shoe switching to the Music, Movies, Literature
intended for publication should be clearly labeled as such.
Pseudonyms are acceptable when furnished. Satellite staff will other foot? I sense a feature coming on.
ensure conﬁdentiality from other ASA staff, the executive and I’m sure it’ll be slightly controversial, but
Letters to the Editor
students. yeah, it’s hard being a guy too. Anyone
out there want to be a part of my feature.
Complaints over the appropriateness of material appearing You just have to tell me why it’s hard
in Satellite should be directed in writing to the editor. If the being a guy in today’s world. I’ll let you
complainant is unsatisﬁed with the response, a complaint may be anonymous if you like, so no guys kick
be made to the Press Council c/o the Secretary: PO Box 10-879,
The Terrace, Wellington. Phone 04 473 5220 or view website at your ass. Maybe you disagree totally, I
need to talk to those people too.
Why do we need
Student debt is currently at 7 billion and
rising, this is largely because of the loans
students are forced to take out for living costs.
The current allowance/loan system needs a At the end of the day the Allowance is an
huge overhaul urgently to allow students to integral part of study, not all students have
study without the ﬁnancial pressures they parents that can pay for all expenses. The
may incur while studying. To force students universal allowance would give all NZ
to work and study is not an option, many ﬁnd citizens and permanent residents the chance
this burden reduces the marks. This can work to study. They are not restricted as to where
for the exceptional student but does increase they can study or what they can study.
stress. To miss a day at work could mean you
get ﬁred but to miss a lecture or assignment Peter Knight
means you can still eat.
• Write off parts of loans in a targeted
Universal Student Allowances: A Better
If a student comes from a lower economic way. For example, a chunk for every
background, they have the right to be able year spent working in New Zealand,
to study, but do not have the means without for every year spent working in
ASA continually pushes for a “universal
an allowance. Sure they could get a loan to rural areas, or for each year that
student allowance”, but let’s examine this
live, but that would make it harder to pay off you serve on a Board of Trustees.
idea, and consider a better one:
on the long run. This would hardly be helping The list is as long as the list of work
them. The same applies for students of middle that needs doing, but doesn’t have
Some problems with a universal student
income families and mature students, they people to do it.
also do not always have the means to support • Adjust the repayment rates so that
• Why support those who can get
themselves through the course of their choice. the loan is paid back over a longer
To live at home with your family is deﬁnitely period, so paying it back is less of a
• This barely helps the loan scheme
the cheaper option but restricts where you can strain.
(unless you spend $4B to fully
study and what courses are available. • Increase scholarships (“bursaries” /
“NCEA Awards”) to suitable levels.
• There’s no reward for success, either
What about scholarships, I hear you say? For example, have an A average =
in earlier education, or in tertiary
Well the simple fact is there is simply not a year’s fees, a B average student
studies. There is no penalty for
enough out there to cater for all students. The = half a year’s fees, scholarship
failing, either, unless you manage to
Government would also not be able to cater average students = double a year’s
fail half of your papers.
to all students wishing to study. I could be a fees (the extra goes towards living
• It doesn’t encourage students to
“C” student at school but decide on returning costs).
attach value to their education.
as a mature student for an academic career • Have these scholarships last for
• It will be abused, no matter how
that I happen to excel at. A scholarship would 3 years, not ‘2 years, or, if your
well policed. Everyone knows
be hard to obtain in these circumstances. To birthday just happens to be at the
someone on an allowance with
expect the private sector to invest in this right time of year, 3 years’.
prospect to cover all students would be ideal • Adjust scholarships to tertiary
• It hurts those with high-income
but not very realistic. grades, so that the amount of money
parents who are not willing to
you receive in your second and third
ﬁnancially support their children
Loans, oh yes the loans. This, quite simply is a years reﬂects the previous year’s
(unless you give everyone the same
joke; the unfortunate part is that students past study, not your pre-tertiary study.
amount of money, which has other
and present are the butt of it. The Government problems).
is making large amounts of money from the Costs
• It hurts low-income married
students while crippling them for the future. So about what would this cost? We’d save
It is of no surprise to most that the brightest $413M in allowances, but spend $110M
• There’s only one abatement level for
prospects have left our shores to earn the more in scholarships, earn about $404M
personal income, which discourages
greater dollar. This enables them to have a life less from loan interest, and write about
working, and even means you can
while paying off the loan faster. $275M off loans each year. This means a
end up with less in the hand after a
total increase of spending of about $376M
The big contributing factor here is the interest, – not much in government terms. A universal
if this was a ﬁxed low interest that was written student allowance would be similar or
A better solution:
off while a student was studying and also had more. Importantly, note that most of the
• Get rid of all allowances.
portions of the interest subtracted from the cost difference between this and the current
• Fix loan interest at inﬂation.
total for prompt and continued payment, then system comes from the student loan interest
• Increase the amount available
the loan scheme would be more viable. Even lost; the ﬁx would have an effect on past
for loans. Has anyone looked at
better would be no interest on loans at all, this students as well.
how much it costs to rent a ﬂat in
would give students the opportunity to pay Auckland these days? Or how much
for their education and not hinder their future textbooks cost?
See also: http://tinyurl.com/2a2g9 03
NZ News says Fleur Fitzsimons, Co-President of NZUSA. before investing.”
“With total student debt now over $7 billion, fee
cuts for all students at public tertiary institutions Big Nelson drug haul
Albany mower shop heading back to world are well overdue,” says Fitzsimons. “It this can be A New Zealand-wide blitz on cannabis has seen
stage achieved on the West Coast and in Southland, it Nelson police recover drugs worth hundreds of
Albany’s little shop of mowers is entering can be done in our richer, big cities.” thousands of dollars from the region.
another international invention competition.
“The Government surplus is huge, student debt In the Nelson Bays area, 5000 plants had been
In 2002 the shop created Black Thunder, a is higher than ever before and young people are found, 40 people arrested and up to 13.6kg of dry
hydraulic vehicle that starred in Britain’s top leaving the country in droves. The time is right for cannabis plant recovered.
rating Full Metal Challenge television series. Government to tackle student debt by scrapping
tuition fees.” Operation Ella, the wider campaign, was focused
Black Thunder, the McCoid unique, beefed up on removing as much cannabis as possible.
lawnmower, snatched cult status as the only She says student numbers and local economies New Zealand police seized an estimated 15,000
entry to be built from the ground up and ﬁnished grow when student fees are dropped. cannabis plants in the entire operation.
at the solid spot of 4th equal.
“Students are hopeful that the no-fees message
This year they are building the Black Dragon, will come further up the country and that International News
an even more powerful V8-powered offroader decision-makers in Wellington will decide against
bound to rip up the Chinese countryside playing more student debt and for a decent future for New
host to the inaugural International Strange Yo-yo comeback? Again?
Vehicle Games in October. A representative from Duncan Yoyos, one of the
biggest yo-yo makers in the US says sales are
Afﬁnity fraud reaps $60 million in last ﬁve
As with Full Metal Challenge, teams from the expected to be up over 100% from 2003.
around the world are invited to build outrageous The last yo-yo craze hit New Zealand seven years
vehicles and race and bash them against each Criminals have cheated trusting New Zealanders ago with thousands of players around the country
other over a series of events. out of more than $60 million over the past ﬁve learning how to “walk the dog”.
years in “afﬁnity fraud” investment scams, says Nina Stevenson, product manager for toy
Their British success earned Team McCoid the Securities Commission. company Hasbro, says retro toys like the yo-yo
automatic entry to the televised Chinese event come back in cycles of about seven years. “The
which organisers plan will be bigger and Afﬁnity scams target members of close-knit Yo-Yo is one of the world’s oldest and most
bouncier than anything permitted under the groups and communities, often church or cultural favourite toys,” she says. “The popularity of retro
safety regulations which governed FMC. groups and work to “exploit our tendency to trust toys peak approximately every seven years as a
people who belong to the same group as we do”, new generation of players emerge.”
The ﬁrst sight of Black Thunder on US says Commission chairman Jane Diplock.
television generated 600 emails in one day. The Space race still alive
Albany store now gets local autograph hunters A US aviation pioneer has been celebrating after
looking for a taste of Kiwi inventiveness. There have been ﬁve serious cases over the past his spaceship became the ﬁrst privately owned
ﬁve years. rocket to ﬂy to the edge of space and back.
“We always happy to invite the kids in for a SpaceShipOne, built by Burt Rutan, went over
look,” says team boss Trevor McCoid. “In each case millions of dollars have been stolen space’s 62 mile boundary, reports the BBC.
from people who belong to church or cultural Pilot Mike Melvill says the view from space
“I worry about how many New Zealanders are groups,” Ms Diplock said in a statement. was “spectacular”, and he was only sad that Mr
losing the talent to do this sort of stuff. It’s all Rutan, his “best friend in the whole world”, could
very well their old dads being able to tinker, but not have been there, too. Mr Melvill is 62 years
The scam worked by convincing members of old. Steve Bennett, chief of the British civilian
your modern man can’t even change the tyre on
close knit groups to put money into an investment space project, Starchaser Industries, says it was
his ride-on mower.”
scheme. Often the crooks will say some proﬁts a “marvellous achievement”, but that he was
will go to a charity or other worthy cause. In slightly envious. “This just proves that you don’t
To meet the harsh demands, Team McCoid have
some cases the victims are paid “interest” from have to be Nasa or a government organisation,”
ﬁtted a monster 6.2L Chevrolet diesel engine to
money obtained from new investors giving the he says. The journey to the edge of space was
the chassis of a Nissan Safari. Once covered by
illusion that the investment is successful. the latest part in a competition known as the
a roll cage and body beaten into a giant metal
dragon, the completed truck will be shipped to Ansari X prize which is being held to encourage
China for its ﬁrst race on October 26. “Eventually, people discover that most – if not all entrepreneurs and aviation specialists to help
– their money is gone.” develop viable commercial space travel. Up to
NZUSA calls for widespread zero-fees 26 teams are vying for prize money of US$10
The zero-fees initiative of Tai Poutini million ($16 million) that will be awarded to the
Ms Diplock said afﬁnity fraud, like most ﬁrst team to send a three-seater aircraft 100km
Polytechnic has the New Zealand University
investment scams, could be avoided by using into the skies and repeat the feat within two
Students’ Association calling on the government
common sense and asking a few questions. weeks. The three-seat requirement demonstrates
to scrap tuition fees for all institutions.
the capacity for paying customers and the
“With more and more tertiary institutions “In particular, people should always ask for an quick turnaround between ﬂights demonstrates
choosing the no fees path, it calls into question investment statement for any investment they are reusability and reliability.
why huge fees are necessary for any students,” offered, and they should seek independent advice 04
Wanted: Tiger sperm at www.cokefridge.co.nz Zagorakis, who made just 45 starts in two-and-a-
London Zoo is creating a sperm bank to save half years with Leicester, was released on a free
the Amur (or Siberian) tiger, Amur leopard and Ice-T to produce Hasselhoff rap album transfer to AEK Athens in June 2000. However,
Sumatran tiger and is putting out a worldwide call Ice-T is to produce David Hasselhoff’s ﬁrst hip- on the day that he equalled the record as his
for donations. hop album. The pair are neighbours in Los Angeles country’s most capped player, the 32-year-old
The intention is to freeze the sperm and have and have struck up a close friendship. Hasselhoff Werder Bremen midﬁelder held aloft the European
it ready for zoos and others to use for artiﬁcial has had some success as a singer, releasing seven Championships trophy after their 1-0 victory.
insemination as the species near extinction. albums. He’s said to be very popular in Germany.
Estimates put the number of Amur leopards in Ice-T, who was one of the ﬁrst real hip-hop stars in Zagorakis, voted the man-of-the-match, declared:
the wild at just 30 and Amur tigers at 400. The the late 1980s, said: “The man is a legend. And we “My mind was completely blank, the only thing
World Wide Fund for Nature puts the number of are going to show a whole new side of him.” that I wanted to do was to lift the cup.
Sumatran Tigers left in the wild at 400 to 500. The rapper is said to be convinced that the 51-year-
In captivity, there are believed to be as many as old former Knight Rider and Baywatch actor can “I have no words to describe how I feel right now.
400 to 500 Amur tigers, about 200 Amur leopards take on the biggest names in rap, reports The Sun.
and 400 to 500 Sumatran tigers. Ice-T added: “He’s gonna come out as Hassle The “We have just proved once again that the Greek
The sperm bank is the ﬁrst of its kind set up by Hoff - I promise you. The Hoff will surprise people soul is, and always will be, our strength. It is the
London Zoo. with his rap skills and humour.” greatest gift that God ever gave us.”
“The situation for big cats is critical and we need
to act now to safeguard them for the future,” says Brunettes new album “Just getting to the ﬁnals was already a great
Sarah Christie, the Zoological Society of London’s Lil’Chief Records have recently released Edmund achievement. What we have done here in Portugal
big-cat bofﬁn. Cake’s (formally of Flying Nun band Bressa was even greater,” added Zagorakis.
“The zoo is working out in the ﬁeld to protect Creeting Cake) great lost masterpiece, “Downtown
these animals in their natural habitat, but given the Puff”. This album was compared to Brian Wilson’s “You can’t imagine what is going on in the
small number of Amur leopards, Amur tigers and legendary “Smile” LP by Matthew Bannister in an dressing-room, with all the joy in there. Of course,
Sumatran tigers left in the world, we need to do all overview of of the Auckland pop scene in Metro we dedicate this cup to Greek people all over the
we can to ensure the continued survival of these two years ago. 95bFM is currently playlisting world.
magniﬁcent animals.” the song “Gunga” from the album. Copies of the
Some samples have already been taken at London popular Tokey Tones albums “Caterpillar” and “I think we have given then something more than
Zoo, which employs a technician to collect sperm. “Butterﬂy” have been repressed after selling out joy. We have given them a great pride, which they
“It’s a job not many people would fancy,” a society their ﬁrst run, and are once again available from will be able to carry with them for the rest of their
spokeswoman conceded. the Lil’Chief Records online store. The label is lives.”
set to release full-lengths from Alec Bathgate and
Imran Khan gets divorced Shaft in the next few months.
Pakistan’s most famous couple, cricket legend Tahu likely to leave Newcastle
Imran Khan and his British socialite wife Jemima, Ramones guitarist losing cancer ﬁght Test winger Timana Tahu admitted last week he
have divorced. Khan has become an extremely Johnny Ramone, real name John Cummings, was leaning towards leaving Newcastle at the end
strong voice in opposition to President Gen. is ﬁghting a losing battle with cancer in a Los of the NRL season.
Pervez Musharraf’s government as a member Angeles hospital. He was diagnosed with prostate
of parliament. His name is often brought up on cancer four years ago and the guitarist is now 55 Tahu has received offers from several clubs
a short list of up and coming future Pakistani years old. including Parramatta and Manly. The Kangaroo
leaders. Jemima Khan had spent more and more “Johnny’s been a champ in confronting this, but ﬂier is one of the most highly-sought players on
of her time in England in recent months, sparking at this point I think the chances are slim,” says the market.
rumours that the couple’s relationship was on the Ramones drummer Marky Ramone in a report on
rocks. www.rollingstone.com He has an offer on the table from the Knights but
The band’s singer, Joey Ramone (Jeff Hyman), is understood to be ready to follow teammate Ben
died in 2001 of lymphatic cancer, while bassist Kennedy out of the club next season. Kennedy will
Dee Dee Ramone (Douglas Colvin) died from a play with Manly in 2005.
drug overdose the following year. The Ramones
rose to fame in New York City, 1974. Their “It’s up to the Knights if they want to keep me or
three chord anthems played at breakneck speed not,” Tahu told ABC Radio.
pioneered punk rock and continue to inﬂuence
bands today. “I want to know by the end of the week. If I do
have to go I have got no problem.”
Greek heart and soul was the matchwinner
“I think it’s turning towards me leaving the
Greece captain Theo Zagorakis declared that the Knights at the moment.”
heart and soul which had carried his side, who were
80-1 pre-tournament outsiders, to success were the Tahu’s decision is likely to have implications for
Entertainment News “greatest gifts that God ever gave us”. The Euro several other players on the market.
Launchpad Round 1 2004 underdogs won a shock ﬁnal victory against
The ﬁrst round of the Coke Launchpad competition hosts Portugal. Having defended for all their worth If he elects to join Manly, the Sea Eagles are likely
was due to close on July 16. Mumsdollar, Beatrootz against a Portugal side devoid of inspiration, to drop Canberra’s Joel Monaghan - apparently
and The Rabble were selected as ﬁnalists for the Greece completed one of the competition’s considering leaving the capital.
ﬁrst round and have been subject to a round of greatest ever shocks as Angelos Charisteas headed
public voting. the winner from their only corner. If Tahu stays in Newcastle, Manly try harder to
The act with the most votes will have a music video sign Monaghan, also been linked with the Sydney
produced, make a live appearance on Top Of The Greece had not previously won a game at a major Roosters.
Pops, get a day in a recording studio to re-record tournament before their 2-1 win against Portugal
the track for radio, feature on the Edge Playlist and in the opening match set them on an amazing path
appear at Edgefest 2005, as well as featuring in to success, via further victories against France and
Rip It Up magazine. The competition promises to the Czech Republic.
change the future of some bands. Readers can vote 05
Johnny Depp played
him in the blockbuster
ﬁlm Donnie Brasco, he’s
a former FBI undercover Real life former FBI AGENT
agent and a best selling
author. Dan Trevarthen Speaks to Satellite
speaks to Joseph D. Pistone. - like a piece of furniture. Brasco was one of them. The obvious
dramatic quality of the story saw
Donnie Brasco, AKA Joseph Pistone. But wasn’t life in the mob exciting? Johnny Depp play Joseph Pistone in the
The man is world famous; he’s one Day to day, the answer is no, although 1997 Mike Newell ﬁlm Donnie Brasco,
of the most well-known FBI agents it does sound somewhat fascinating which also starred Al Pacino. And the
ever. You can bet he’s had an array in some respects. He’s written a book big screen portrayal is something the
of interesting experiences. Enough about it, called Way of the Wiseguy. mobsters really enjoyed.
to ﬁll two books, in fact. Born in
a tough part of New York, Pistone Pistone says in Way of the Wiseguy that “I noted [in Way of the Wiseguy] that
joined Naval Intelligence before taking for the most part, the life of the wiseguy they enjoy watching gangster movies
the FBI entrance exam. He made it is routine. Albeit a routine of petty about the mob because it’s like ‘oh
through, and went on to spend six crime, racketeering and discussing that’s my character’, in some perverse
years undercover in Maﬁa circles. At the like, but a routine nonetheless. way that character was patterned after
its conclusion, the operation was the The Sopranos, with its depiction of me,” says Pistone.
largest Maﬁa bust in history. No other mobsters sitting around talking a lot of
undercover FBI agent has ever been the time is close to the mark, he says. “The ﬁrst time I saw it I got a weird
proposed for membership in the Mob. feeling because there are a lot of things
As a result the Maﬁa changed their “In some aspects, as far as the violence you did in your life in front of tonnes of
initiation rules. New recruits now need and the petty crime and the petty people. [You are] baring your soul, so
two members to vouch for them before jealousies it s pretty much the way it
they can become a “mad man. is. They don’t get everything right.
They’re pretty much on the money It’s been more than 20 years since the
But on the phone, he’s unremarkable. though. They hang around all day undercover operation ended. And he’s
Boring, perhaps. U Understandably, discussing pretty much nothing and feeling a bit more relaxed. Is he still a
he can’t give away a lot of detail, discussing the petty jealousies and little scared? “Nah, you can’t live your
considering the half-mil llion US$ open their crime, that’s pretty much what it’s life like that.” “If I go out I just wear a
bounty placed on his hea by the Maﬁa, all about.” pair of sunglasses.”
but you’d expect speak king to an FBI
super-agent to be more exciting. He Despite the routine, the general idea But after his ﬁrst book, Donnie Brasco:
sounds blasé about the bounty and he of Pistone’s story is one that sparks My Undercover Life in the Maﬁa, you
has such a freaking All-American vibe the imagination. The FBI sends an have to question whether Way of
about himself. He doesn’t crack jokes; agent from a tough neighbourhood the Wiseguy offers anything new, or
he’s a serious FBI agent. Or maybe he’s undercover to inﬁltrate the freaking whether it is an attempt to cash in
a robot? But one thing that is instantly Mob. He befriends them, gains their on the popularity of The Sopranos.
recognisable in this part of the world, trust and then, as they’re about to make Pistone disagrees.
of course, is a thick New York accent. him a member, he disappears, only to
In terms of pure tone, he sounds every testify against the mobsters in court. “It basically answers a lot of questions
bit a wiseguy. But vocal aesthetics Up until the minute Pistone testiﬁes, from all the lectures and speeches that
aside, maybe all undercover agents the Mobsters are telling their attorneys I’ve given. I ﬁgured that it might be a
are like this. Agreeable, unremarkable, the threatened testimony is a bluff - good idea to put the questions in the
and slightly forgettable - he’s just there they continued to believe that Donnie book for people that can’t attend the
lectures,” Pistone says. the neighbourhood. It wasn’t like you the Wiseguy and decide to become a
knew they were involved in murders, mobster?
“[I wanted] to give the public a real you didn’t get to know their inner “I don’t think so. If I read it for the
inside look on what the Maﬁa’s about workings so you really had no feelings ﬁrst time, no. They’re not nice guys.
and how the FBI was able to conduct about them one way or the other.” I suppose it would be for some people
an undercover operation.” but I don’t think any normal person
“I kept my own personality and just would read it and say, ‘that’s a good
“It dispelled some myths that they were stayed who I was and I think that was life, how do I get into it?’”
upstanding citizens.” why I was successful, because I didn’t
try to be something I wasn’t.” Did the experience change Joseph
But delve into Way of the Wiseguy Pistone, law-abiding citizen and
and readers of Donnie Brasco: My The biggest lesson learnt from the former undercover FBI agent? “I don’t
Undercover Life in the Maﬁa, will not book appears to be that wiseguys aren’t think so. It just made more aware of
ﬁnd much more value. Chapters are nice guys. But Pistone writes with a how things are done in that world.
as short as a few pages, and there’s certain fondness of his memories. You There’s asset of rules and if you don’t
a lot of repetition in them. Still, for can’t help but get the feeling that he’s abide by them they handle things
the uninitiated, Wiseguy is a decent trying to convince himself as much themselves, they don’t go to the local
read. Pistone says he isn’t particularly as others. Although he’s admitted police station.”
surprised by the success of the books. to an emotional attachment in other
interviews, today he’s adamant he had But he admits he did learn a thing
“People are fascinated with the mob. no trouble testifying against people he or two from the wiseguy approach
I think anything that’s well-written befriended for years. to problems. He says a wiseguy will
with the Mob as the topic is going to never back down to anyone, no matter
do well. “It wasn’t that hard at all. That was the situation. No way, no how.
my job to put them in jail. That was
Where the book is most fascinating is my job, they chose their job being “Not in my lifetime, even if they’re
when Pistone is close to danger. One gangsters, and I chose my job, being wrong they’re wiseguys, so in their
incident, which is related repetitively an FBI agent, so it doesn’t bother me mind they’re never wrong… that
throughout the book, sees Pistone taken at all.” same attitude of don’t back down from
to a room and grilled by the Maﬁa stuff.”
over his credentials. A “sit down” as “These guys are gangsters. They rob,
such a meeting is called, often results they cheat, they steal, they kill, so “You’ll get more stuff accomplished if
in a bloody end. It’s tense reading. whatever person, I don’t think that you hit it head on.”
If Pistone had failed to convince his anyone can be sympathetic. They
interrogators they would have killed chose to live in this world and they Check back for a review of Way
him. have to deal with the consequences.” of the Wiseguy in the next issue of
“You have to keep your cool and He roughly deﬁnes the “way of the
stick to your cover story and have wiseguy” in the ﬁrst chapter by relating
conﬁdence that you can convince them a conversation with his mentor in the
of your story. You have to be conﬁdent Maﬁa. A man called Lefty.
that you can outwit them.”
“Hey Lefty, what’s the advantage for
“If I didn’t convince them I was going me in being a wiseguy?”
out of there one way, and that was Lefty looks at me like I’m the world’s
death. I didn’t want that to happen.” biggest moron. He gets excited and
jumps out of his chair and starts yelling
He says he was able to get by being and waving his arms. “What are you,
himself. Pistone grew up in a tough fucking crazy?” he says, “are you
neighbourhood where wiseguys fucking nuts? When you’re a wiseguy
resided. Although he says he didn’t you can steal, you can cheat, you can
know much about the mobsters in his lie, you can kill people – and it’s all
“Not much, they were just guys in So nobody’s going to pick up Way of 07
STUDENT LEARNING CENTRE SUPPORT CLASSES FOR SEMESTER 2
These classes are held every Wednesday in QB5
TOPIC DATE TIME
12:00 – 12:50pm
Understanding Assignment Questions 14th July
1:00 – 1:50pm
Reading – Skimming & Scanning 14th July
12:00 – 12:50pm
How to Reference 21st July
1:00 – 1:50pm
Referencing from Electron Sources 21st July
Taking Notes in Lectures and from 12 – 12:50pm
e tboo s
1:00 – 1:50pm
Paraphrasing 28th July
12:00 – 12:50pm
Writing a Paragraph 4th August
1:00 – 1:50pm
Essay Writing 4th August
12:00 – 12:50pm
Organising Essays and Transitions 11th August
1:00 – 1:50pm
How to Write a Report 11th August
12 – 12:50pm
Analysing a Case Study 18th August
1:00 – 1:50pm
Writing a Critique 18th August
12:00 – 12:50pm
Editing and Proofreading 25th August
1:00 – 1:50pm
Giving a Presentation 25th August
How to Design PowerPoint 12:00 – 12:50pm
12:00 – 12:50pm
Memory Skills for Exams 15th September
12 – 12:50pm
Exam Preparation 22nd September
12:00 – 12:50pm
Answering Exam Questions 29th September
The ultimate student
work and travel program!
... HAVE YOU BEEN YET?
www.iep.co.nz or 0800 443 769
Brain Teasers One was wearing a red baseball cap. The other was
wearing a blue baseball cap. The police didn’t know
which one was the criminal. Luckily, Jake saw the
Here are three series of letters. Each letter in each
series is the ﬁrst letter of a word. The words in each
series are related.
robbery and could tell the police what color hat the
robber was wearing. Jake’s brother Joe later told their
sister, Jenny, what happened. “Jake said the robber
was wearing a red hat,” he said.
What are the next three letters in each series?
O, T, T, F, F, . . .
S, M, T, W, . . . Here is a set of letters that makes no sense:
D, N, O, S, A, . . .
The rope ladder of a boat hangs over the side of the
boat and just reaches the water. Its rungs are 8 inches
If you insert a j at the beginning of the set and then
insert a word space and another j within the set,
you will get a two-word phrase that is an English
expression: jumbo jet
How many rungs will be under the water when the Figure out the letter that, used twice (once after
tide rises 4 feet? a word space), will make a two-word English
expression out of each of the following sets of letters.
Read this story. Then ﬁgure out what color hat the
bank robber was wearing. But remember one thing:
one of the brothers always tells the truth, and the other
always lies — and we don’t know which is which.
After a bank robbery, two guys ran out of the bank.
See answers on page 14
U U H O K O W H I T U Z P Y F
V T L E H R W R C M U E L P S
E I T E T N U E E F G I L R W AIR GUITAR LIFESTYLES
ASA FORUM MUSIC
R L B T H O B M I I D R I E E
S L G R M G I U L V A I H S N CYPRESS HILL OPINIONS
I E D U U N N L T T E M S I O DEBATE OTEHA
T T H E I N E I I L U R S D I DONNIE BRASCO PRESIDENT
EVOLUTION PRIME MINISTER
Y A N S B T S U S S E S E E T
FUNKY RAISING HELEN
W S T G N A G W I I V R R N U HOKOWHITU RECREATION
L E N I B R T C I Y A M P T L HUMOUR REVIEWS
R I N O I T A E R C E R Y B O INTELLIGENT SATELLITE
JOHN BUTLER UNIVERSITY
K A S A F O R U M Q K F C Z V
L I F E S T Y L E S Z Z A Z E
Staked out in the Irish mountains, Vernon
God Little author DBC Pierre was living in
a house with no number, on a street with
no name, working on his second book. Life
was peaceful for the guy. Then his book
won the 2003 man Booker Prize for the best
some way, paying off some of the money, he
remains remorseful. “You can’t replace the
past, some people got burnt, and you can’t
really redeem that in a way.”
“I’ll always have regrets from that time and
“I used up all my youth with all types of
distractions, got into every type of drug and
all sorts of problems. And didn’t really come
out of it, I had to sit quietly for ten years to
English novel of the year. maybe that’s what drives the writing, maybe One of the things that make it so easy to write
I’m trying to write it out of me, but I’m not about his fascinating past is his willingness to
The media turned up in freaking there yet.” talk about it. He addresses his indiscretions
helicopters. as matter of fact. You can imagine it would
DBC Pierre be painful to speak of some of the incidents,
“Now people stop on the road and take but Pierre acknowledges the need to set
pictures of my house which is very weird the scene for the reader, whether that be in
for a writer. I wake up and wonder if a novel or an interview. The author spent
I’ve turned into Britney Spears. It’s very much of his early days living in Mexico.
strange.” His Father was diagnosed with brain cancer
when Pierre was 16, and travelled to New
“I’ve been numb all year. That kind of York with Pierre’s mother for treatment. He
thing doesn’t just sink in. It’s unreal.” died three years later.
And quite deserving of all the hype is “He basically left the house and the servants,
Vernon God Little. It’s a hilarious, clever left all of that to me. Within a week, as a
and tellingly realistic tale of a 15 year old 16 year old, within a week of him leaving,
boy caught up in a high school shooting all my mates had moved in and we started
he wasn’t responsible for. In a quiet Texas a party that lasted for probably 12 years.”
town, he ﬁnds himself suddenly surrounded
by ravenous media eager for a scapegoat. “One of my friends, his dad was the president
It’s ironic then, that DBC Pierre is now of a pharmaceutical company and he brought
in amidst a ﬂurry of media. “My writing his physicians desk reference, which is sort of
about an idiot who suddenly ﬁnds himself like the yellow pages of drugs.”
in the centre of a media vortex has taken
me to the centre of a media vortex.” “We’d just order prescription things by
phone and he’d show up with a box of
The debut novel had sold 16,000 copies dexedrine and a carton of Marlboro and
leading up to making the Booker Prize we’d stay awake for days and went crazy.
shortlist. By the month after the shortlist, He’s got a varied CV that screams for feature We had very powerful cars and we’d go on
it had sold 200,000, he told Paul Holmes writers to spin all the clichés of rags to riches, adventures and do mad shit.”
on the Holmes show. Amongst all the redemption, and a man not quite ready for
attention, his real name, Peter Finlay, all this exposure. Of course, as a writer, he “I had a circle of seven mates that I grew
emerged, along with the fact he’s been a has a nice way with words. This man, decked up with and only two of them are alive
gambler, cocaine addict, car smuggler, out in a “Rehab is for quitters” t-shirt under now. Most of them didn’t make 24 years old
conman and cartoonist. He’s also hundreds a jacket, is an addictive listen. “It was my because there was nothing we couldn’t do
of thousands of dollars in debt, although last throw of the dice, artistically and as a and because it was Mexico you could buy the
he can now begin to make amends in person.” law.” “We were literally untouchable. And as
Speaks to Dan Trevarthen 12
a sixteen year old that’s very, very potent stuff document what they do, it’s very strange.” comedy it’s only because the boy himself is
to get a grip on and it doesn’t give you a sense kind of dark and ironic and has humour himself.
of reality,” Pierre says. “In the end I couldn’t really drive [Vernon], I I thought it was quite a sad and bitter and dark
could just put obstacles ahead of him and see work myself.”
The nationalisation of Mexico’s economy saw how he’d respond to them.”
his parents lose all their money stored in the “They’ve called it a satire and I even argue with
bank. Cue many years of illegal activities. The title character in the book, Vernon Little, that because there’s some true facts about the
He owed $70,000 to American painter Robert comes across as a rare individual of sanity in setting which Vernon lives in which if I had
Lenton, whose Spanish house Pierre sold a world of crazy people. He’s cast in a similar included them in the novel they would have
without informing him, before pocketing - or, mould to JD Sallinger’s Catcher in the Rye been too ridiculous and too implausible.”
to be precise, snorting - the proceeds. Pierre is protagonist Holden Caulﬁeld, a disaffected
reported to have mailed the ﬁrst cheque. youth amazed at the stupidity of those around One incident he calls to mind concerns a man
him. Vernon also features an almost unreachable named Larry White, who was on death row
Despite his background, he’s refreshingly love interest, with the beautiful Taylor Figueroa during the 90s. He was famously refused a
normal. Charming, even. He asks if I mind taking the place of Catcher’s Jane Gallagher. cigarette on the grounds that it was bad for
him smoking. I say no. “I should also let you But Vernon Little’s approach to the love interest his health. And just last year, he tells me,
know I’m a chronic masturbator too,” he jibes. sums up his skewed outlook. In contrast to the prosecutors were ﬁnally stopped from wearing
How polite. Although he’s Australian-born, his complex, almost erotophobic Holden Caulﬁeld, joke ties to death sentence trials. They were
parents, originally from England, appear to he’s complex to a point, but far more immediate. showing up with ties featuring images of
have passed down very English self-effacing He wants to jump Taylor’s bones. He didn’t swinging nooses or grim reapers.
humour that helps make him extraordinarily write Vernon’s character with himself in mind,
good company for the 45 minutes I have. DBC but he’s seen some similarities between himself “That is such a lurid, caricature thing to do, but
Pierre, the initials standing for “dirty but clean”, and his creation. if I put it in the novel people would think it’s
is an interviewer’s delight. over the top.”
“There’s certain wisdom, I’ve brought a lot of
These 45 minutes are part of the last leg of trouble on others in my life so the dynamic of “Satire is wrongly attributed… it’s only
the promotional tour. He’s looking forward to the book is a sense of running and guilt. I have comic because there’s tragedy running in the
getting home. The novelist has been to the UK, been able to give him some of the wisdoms that background.”
Norway, Germany, Mexico, the US, Australia he comes up with.”
and, ﬁnally, New Zealand, to promote his book. And one can imagine Pierre’s debtors being in a
The tour has everything to do with selling books And just like in Vernon God Little, DBC Pierre state of disbelief when he informs them that he
and nothing to do with art and he’s obviously has had some trouble convincing the media of can ﬁnally begin to repay age-old debts. Pierre
quite tired. He manages to quietly scoff down a the truth. himself is incredulous towards his astonishing
plate of eggs in between questions. change in fortunes. “I’m sure there was some
The BBC thought the setting of the book, Texas wishful thinking there when I was writing it.
“You get so knackered that you don’t have any and Mexico, was exaggerated, so the British TV Because in the act of writing it I was trying to
original ideas.” channel ﬂew him back to Mexico for the ﬁrst come out of the darkness and into the light.”
time since his Father had died. After hearing that
“I haven’t had a month to sit and savour the he used to smuggle cars across the border, they
year, but I’ll get that. New Zealand is sort of the went to the extent of buying a classic American Competition
cherry on the cake and after this I’ll go home car so that they could ﬁlm Pierre back up to his
and think about the year.” old tricks. Pierre describes the experience as
“a real buzz” and shows me some snapshots Satellite has three copies of DBC
“It certainly changed the landscape of my of the car and his mansion. They’re both very Pierre’s excellent award-winning
future.” nice and very, very expensive looking. The little
house on the beachfront looks just like you’d
novel Vernon God Little to give
And he’s already churning out another book. imagine. away. To go into the draw to
“I’d broken its back going into September of win a copy, just tell us the name
last year. I’m hoping when I get back I’ll knock And with a book that begs comparison to other
it off and start work on the next one.” works, reviewers have had a categorisation ﬁeld
of Vernon Little’s love interest
day. But where a foot may often have been put in the book. All correct answers
With 21 books he would like to do, he’s going to wrong is in the deﬁnition of the approach. Many received before July 23 will go in
have to do better than 18 months each. But he’s have labelled Vernon God Little a work of satire.
happy to be doing it. After all the jobs that he’s The back of the book bears the words “A twenty-
done, writing books is what he was meant for. ﬁrst century comedy in the presence of death”.
It’s obviously quite a humorous book, but from
“It’s such an extraordinary odyssey to write a its commentary can be gleaned a large portion
book, you get so lost in it. I deﬁnitely want to of truth. It’s full of caricatures, admittedly, but
do it again and again and again. It’s like putting these characters convey accurately a country
out to sea, you just don’t know necessarily that spawns these kinds of people. That they’re
where you’ve headed but you’re going to reach all congregated in one place at the same time is
somewhere. It’s very mysterious. You take the what’s slightly unbelievable, although anything
journey yourself internally and just describe is possible in America. Pierre is quick to agree.
it.” He calls it a portrait of the way America tells its
story through television.
“I thought it would be a very intellectual job but
in fact it’s very emotional, the characters tend to “When I was writing it I thought it was a photo-
drive the story themselves and you just have to realistic account of where we live and if it has
brain teaser reation
S, S, E (for six, seven, eight)
Snack Attack Or if you want to be really indulgent snack on
The timing of meals and snacks is important for these low-fat Peanut Brownies any time of the
T, F, S (for Thursday, Friday, those of you who regularly exercise and/or are day!
involved in sport.
Before Training ¾ cup plain ﬂour ¾ cup self raising
J, J, M (for July, June, May) Around 45 to 60 minutes before training aim to ﬂour
eat foods rich in carbohydrates. Foods containing ⅔ cup cocoa ⅓ cup
When the tide rises 4 feet, the boat and less protein, fat, and only moderate amounts of peanuts, crushed
its ladder will also rise. So no rungs ﬁbre decrease the risk of stomach upsets during 1½ cups castor sugar 1 cup
exercise. Also try to include 300-600mL of ﬂuid natural yoghurt
will be under the water. with your pre-training meal. 1 tsp olive oil 4 egg
During Training whites
The bank robber was wearing a blue Aim to keep up your ﬂuid intake. Water is ideal 2½ tsp vanilla essence
hat. Say Jake is the liar and Joe is the for exercise of less than 60 minutes duration.
truth-teller. That means Jake actually A sports drink is a good option for exercise of Pre-heat oven to 180˚C. Line a shallow 20 x
greater than 60 minutes, as sports drinks provide 30cm baking pan with tin foil.
did say that the robber was wearing a carbohydrates and electrolytes as well as ﬂuid.
red hat. But whatever Jake says is false, After Training Sift ﬂours and cocoa into a large bowl, add
so the robber’s hat was blue. Within approximately 30 to 60 minutes following sugar and peanuts, and mix with a wooden
Now let’s say that Joe is the liar and training, aim to eat a meal or snack providing spoon. Make a well in the centre. In a separate
Jake is the truth-teller. That means that high carbohydrate (50-100g) and moderate bowl, beat together egg whites, yoghurt, oil, and
protein levels. Your post-training meal or snack vanilla essence, and then add to dry ingredients.
Jake really told his friends that the is required to restore muscle glycogen, increase Stir until just combined.
robber was wearing a blue hat. And muscle protein synthesis and repair, and decrease
since Jake always tells the truth, the muscle protein breakdown. Also ensure you Spread into baking pan with a spatula, and
robber’s hat was, indeed blue. drink enough ﬂuid to adequately rehydrate your smooth surface. Bake for 30 minutes or until
body after exercising. inserted skewer comes out clean.
The answer is blue — either way.
Try low fat creamed Keep up your Try 2-3 muesli or For a little more
rice as your pre- ﬂuid intake while breakfast bars as protein, try a
terrible twos training snack. exercising. your post-training fruit and yoghurt
study skills snack. smoothie as your
fast food post-training snack.
Book now to participate in a study
group reading The Purpose Driven
Life by Rick Warren.
Cost is $15 & includes book &
refreshments. Meetings will be in SC2,
Wednesdays 12-1pm, Aug 4, 11, 18,
25, Sept 8, 15, 22, & 29.
Open to entire Massey community!
Register your interest by emailing alb
firstname.lastname@example.org or phoning
Sponsored by Massey Chaplaincy Services.
Clubs on Campus
Wh ’ on
Campus MAPISA - (Massey Albany Paciﬁc Island Students’ Assn)
girlssoccer101 - email@example.com
Massey Uni. Badminton Club
All public are welcome to attend the following firstname.lastname@example.org Student Assistance
events. Unless stated otherwise Admission is
FREE Massey Meat Club - email@example.com Program
14th Te Roopu Kapa Haka o Oteha
July CHANCELLOR’S SEMINAR
SERIES If you are struggling
Fight Club - firstname.lastname@example.org
14th July: Phil Broadhurst – Against
All Odds – The Life & Music of French Student Life - email@example.com
with funds while stud-
jazz pianist – Michel Petrucciani.
Alpine Adventure club - firstname.lastname@example.org
ying at Massey. SAP
An illustrated talk on the French
jazz pianist and composer with an
Korean Students Association - email@example.com provides a hardship
international following whose keyboard
virtuosity earned him comparisons to
MICF - (Massey International Christian Fellowship) - popedic fund for you.
Art Tatum and Bill Evans. Study Centre
Staff Lounge from 12noon to 1pm. Free MADSODS
entry. (Massey @ Albany Drama, Singing, Operatic and Dance
For more information
Society) - firstname.lastname@example.org
To Register ph Wilna on 09 4140800 contact :
Extn 9228 Classiﬁeds
14th Conservation Volunteers Needed
July e-centre Innovation Open Day Join “Friends of Three Streams & Kauri Grove Inc” to
participate in conservation of native bush in Albany.
An exhibition of e-centre tenant
innovation & Massey University
Only $5 for a year. Check out www.threestreams.org.nz
Product Dev, Robotics &
Book now to participate in a study group reading The
2pm – 6pm, e-centre, Gate 5, Oaklands
Rd, Old Albany H’way.
Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Cost is $15 &
includes book & refreshments. Meetings will be in SC2,
Register on-line at www.e-
Wednesdays 12-1pm, Aug 4, 11, 18, 25, Sept 8, 15, 22,
& 29. Open to entire Massey community! Register your
centremassey.org.nz, or contact interest by emailing email@example.com or
Suzanne Newson (09) 4439791 phoning ext. 9224. Sponsored by Massey Chaplaincy
COMING EVENTS WINTER MUSIC 2004
or visit www.asa.ac.nz
The Masters & Their Music IV
New foneﬁll service
Fill up your Vodafone mobile at the Atrium ofﬁce.
‘A Tribute to Duke Ellington’
Saturday 24th July
Top ups available in $20, $25, $30, $35, $40 and $50
Jazz Workshop Sessions: 10am & 1pm Reading this?
Concert Dinner: 6.30pm
So are others, Satellite classiﬁeds are a free service
provided for students. Email firstname.lastname@example.org
with your student ID number to place your ad today.
For information about Winter Music 2004 and costs, Other interested parties can also place classiﬁeds at a
contact June Clewett nominal charge.
09 4140800 Extn 9553
Wanted: Tiger sperm
The London Zoo needs submissions from any of these
VETERINARY, EQUINE, MEDICAL
big cats: Amur (or Siberian) tiger, Amur leopard and
Sumatran tiger. If you happen to be one of these animals,
Not getting student
Information Evening – Thurs 29th July Study
contact the London Zoo. Email: email@example.com
Centre Auditorium, Gate 1, Albany Expressway.
Attention all Year 11, 12 & 13 students, parents Write for Satellite you dirty pirate!
and teachers. People that write for Satellite are awesome, and
by awesome, I mean totally sweet. We want your S.A.P is for you!!
If you are interested in careers working with contributions. Get in touch with the editor, Dan. He’s
animals then this information evening is for super friendly and promises to be nice: satellite@satel
you! Academic staff will tell you all you need to lite.ac.nz or 09 443 9740. If you don’t, robot tigers will
know about studying any of the animal sciences maul you!
including the equine studies degree and the
veterinary science degree from a NZ university. Social scene reporter
No need to register – just come along! Do you want to report on the Massey social scene?
Satellite is looking for someone to attend the parties
Contact Jo Ramsay (College of Sciences) here at Massey and write biting, sharp critique of the
(09) 4140800 extn 9522, social scene. Kind of like an About Town for Massey
email J.Ramsay@massey.ac.nz University. Party gossip is fun. firstname.lastname@example.org
student news Little Man (a name give to him by
Jennet McDonald at the Graduation
and lots of other cool stuff happening,
so look out for us (The Albany Students’
Dinner). Well he is the new Deputy Association - ASA) during reorientation.
Vice Chancellor, and he is in charge of Also the bar would be open every night
the Albany Campus. And I must say I during reorientation, so sit back, kick off
am pleased with his ambition for the your shoes and enjoy the ride. See you in
Stu campus. He wants to see Albany grow,
and he recognises that to do that we
the next issue, for now, signing off.
need to invest in infrastructure such as Your Administration VP,
new lecture space, new library space, Ranjeeta Bhavnani
on site student accommodation, and
best of all a student services centre.
The discussion forum on the ASA
Pete r Kni fare VP
website (www.asa.ac.nz/forum) is Wel
active and alive; and it’s not just Rev ti on &
and his friends who are posting. One Educa
of the topics that I would love to hear
Welcome back for another semester of Hey Peoples, how did
everyone’s opinions on is the Massey
politics, religion, and study. For those of the exams go? All ready
ID cards. Should they have ASA and
you who are new students, welcome to for another semester?
TWONAM on them or should they
Massey - run now while you still have a What! I can’t hear
stay the way they are. Another topic
chance. And for those returning students you. Well I hope you’ll
just for BBS students is whether
I hope you did well in your exams and had fun over the break and didn’t over
your major should be put on your
enjoyed your break. indulge. And for those that are here for
graduation scroll. So let us know
the ﬁrst time, welcome in, you may
what you think so we can lobby the
Our new campaigns website never leave. Just joking. Any problems,
university on your behalf.
(www.revolt.ac.nz) is up and running. If just ask someone that’s standing around,
ni no one bites or at the ASA ofﬁce in the
you want any information on anything to
Atrium Building. Well just to get you
do with the student allowance campaign
why not visit the site. Even if we don’t Ranje stration VP in the mood we have got more fun stuff
i with Re-Orientation, for more check out
have the information on the site put your
question on the discussion forum on the site the website www.asa.ac.nz or it will be
and see if anyone else knows. The site also somewhere in this issue.
has standard letters which you can e-mail to
politicians to let them know your thoughts You can buy tickets at the ASA Atrium
on current policy. Hi Massey, Welcome ofﬁce or at the bar on the night. The bar
back, hope everyone is that building with the fence around
ASA is currently reviewing our policy. If had a great break and it over at Oteha Roe. If you’re near a
you have anything you should be in our are now ready for Reorientation. computer check out www.revolt.ac.nz
policy in terms of political policy or maybe For all those new comers, welcome for what we’re doing on this whole mess
even an organisational policy why not drop to Massey University, feel free to the Govt calls the Student Allowance.
me an e-mail and let me know. My e-mail contact your students’ association if We have some big ideas on what we can
address is email@example.com If you want you need any help or information, we do about changing the minds of Aunty
to read current policy you can view it on are located in the Atrium Building on Helen and Co to give us a better go at
our main website (www.asa.ac.nz) in the level one, A1.27, on the main campus studying.
archives. and in building 90 on the Oteha Rohe
campus, or you can email me on As always if you have any problem,
Some of you may have noticed the new guy firstname.lastname@example.org We have free diaries, and I mean any, email me at
working out of the old principal’s ofﬁce pamphlets and other give a ways to email@example.com Let the fun and
in the Study Centre. The short dark haired hand out, various day time and night games begin.
guy who has earned the nickname the Cute time events being held on campus,
Healthy Lifestyles Week
Don’t miss out on the combined Health &
nor Counselling & Recreations Centre’s Annual Event &
e i - An Officer
Joe Os reation
once in a lifetime offers!!
Sports & R Stalls & Giveaways & Static Displays
Hey all semester two is upon us. Hope Check out all your CPR skills on the Mannequins
you had a great break.
ASA has so much for you to get involved
in especially for ﬁrst year students now Competitions
that you know what the academic side Fat Kit & Nutrition Advice
is all about. Resolve to do your best Soup Kitchen
academically ﬁrst then take the time to
add a bit of fun to the mix. Start with
reorientation events at evolution. Auckland Sexual Health
The new rec centre is now open and Free Food
pumping. I have been using it over the
holidays and I think it’s a great asset
for the campus. Go for a workout or get
don‘t miss out
NZ Blood Service
into the sports. Go for it. Its Olympic
year after all so get in the olympic citius, (See what your Blood Group is)
altius, fortius, spirit. On that note healthy Quit Smoking
lifestyle week is next week with a range Drugs & Alcohol Information
of thing for you to get involved with like
competitions free food, blood pressure
Peak Flow Reading
checks, rec centre have a go vouchers. As Blood Pressure Checks
well as information to help you take care
of yourself like drug and alcohol advice, Albany Pharmacy will provide:
sexual health, nutritional advice. Did I say Zinc Testing, Vitamin C Tests, Protein Bars Testing
& Vitamin Testing
Make the most of this semester. You only
get one chance at it. Make it a semester to Recreation Centre – Have-A-Go Vouchers!!
remember. See you.
Ceroc Dance Demo with FREE class!!
Noon – 2.00pm
about to air rock...
we salute you
By Kelly Schischka
Satellite special reporter Kelly Schischka impromptu performances from people in the crowd
for $10 bar tabs; Nick and Rog from radio station
checks out the New Zealand air guitar
championship and ﬁnds there’s more to The Rock were co-MCs, and Jono even came on
half-way through to have a passport, an English guy
rock and roll than meets the eye.
and a packet of chips stapled to his ass (I’ve never
seen this done before, and was amazed at how well
The ancient art of air-guitar was being English guys stay on asses when stapled).
showcased at the dirty old Poenamu, so me and
some friends from Wellington decided to go for The ﬁrst round was an open round, contestants had
a laugh, but it turns out it was the best time I’ve chosen their own song and performed for about 45
had since the mighty Retro Night. There were seconds to a minute, and there was a very memorable
eight contestants from all over New Zealand; show from ‘Bradley Boy Holmes’, wearing nothing
all vying for but a long, well-
the chance placed sock. He
to represent “I really recommend going to the ﬁnals next was very much
our ﬁne from Hamiltron,
year, it’s as rock and roll as throwing a TV out
country in and is probably
Finland of a hotel window.”
responsible for the
(maybe the STD problem there.
air-guitar capital?), all hoping to go on from All the tricks were pulled out, air guitars being
there to command the respect of the world. played upside down, on the ground, with teeth and
Bradley Boy Holmes
feet and behind the head. The second round was a
The contestants, ‘Young Davo’ compulsory song round, a piece from ‘Motherfucker
(Auckland), ‘Bradley Boy Holmes’ (H-Town), from Hell’ by Kiwi boys The Datsuns was chosen,
‘The Tarkness’ (Tauranga), ‘International and the contestants were told this about ten minutes
Terrorist’ (The ‘Naki), ‘Ivor Biggun’ (Welly), before they went on for another minute show. The
‘Furious Fingers’ (Invercargill), Andrew ‘The guys were hot, the girl was hot, but there must be
Axe’ Gouldie from Christchurch and a lovely only one to take the prestigious title and the plane
lady from South Auckland called ‘Daizy ticket to Finland, and in the end ‘The Tarkness’
Vicious’ all possessed world-class talent and (AKA Tarquin Keys or The Tarkinator) took home
performed their little hearts out. They were the trophy.
judged on showmanship (charisma, originality,
artistic impression) and technique (chord and This was such a rad night. It had all the mania of
strum syncronisation); air roadies were allowed NZ idol, but with more talent and beer and less
and were used to their full potential. ﬂaming dickheads. I’m not sure if the Air Guitar
World Champs are being broadcast over here, but
It was a really wicked rumbling loud night; they’re on in August so keep an ear out for how
there was heaps of excitement buzzing through ‘The Tarkness’ does. I really recommend going to
the medium-sized audience, some of who came the ﬁnals next year, it’s as rock and roll as throwing
from as far away as Invercargill. There were a TV out of a hotel window.
First, check the rules
The Air Guitar World Championships any way he/she desires. The citizens of countries where no ofﬁcial
qualifying competitions are arranged
and all the qualifying competitions An Air Guitar player may use a real pick or
can enter the qualifying competition
organised within its authority will play by strumming or ﬁnger picking.
arranged in Oulu by sending in an entry
comply with the following rules: form and paying an annually determined
The jury of the Air Guitar World participation fee by an announced deadline
1. The instrument of an Air Guitar player date. On the basis of the qualifying
must be invisible, i.e. air. Championships is selected by the Board
of the Oulu Music Video Festival. The competition in Oulu, 12-20 best Air Guitar
organizers give the following directions to players get to participate in the ﬁnal of the
2. An Air Guitarist may play an electric World Championships.
guitar or an acoustic one - or both. the judges before they begin their work:
Criteria for evaluation: originality, the
ability to be taken over by the music, stage The competitors take part in the
3. Each competitor must participate in a
qualifying round (excluding the Champion charisma, technique, artistic impression and competition at their own risk.
of the previous year and the winners of airness. The performances are scored with
the ﬁgure skating scoring method, i.e. the 9. National qualifying competitions
ofﬁcial qualifying countries, who have
judges give points on a scale from 4.0 to There can only be one ofﬁcial national
direct access to the ﬁnal) to compete for a
6.0. The scores from the judges are added qualifying competition per country. This
place in the ﬁnal.
together and the person with the most points status is granted by the Oulu Music Video
wins. If two or more competitors reach the Festival through an agreement with the
4. The winner of the previous year has direct
same points, these competitors will take organiser. The national competitions may
access to the ﬁnal, should he/she wish to
part in a replay round for which they will include qualifying rounds for example in
defend the Championship title.
receive a new score. different states. The winners of national
In the qualifying competition the competitors
The jury evaluates the competitors competitions are guaranteed direct
perform a one-minute-long song of their
according to their own judgment and taste. access to the ﬁnal of the Air Guitar World
own choice. The judges select the best
The decisions of the jury are ﬁnal. Championships without qualifying. The
competitors from the qualifying competition
body organising the national competition
into the ﬁnal, so that a total of 12-20 Air
commits to honouring the ideology of
Guitar players play in the ﬁnal (including 8. Participation
the Air 21. Guitar World Championships
the previous Champion and winners of Participation in the Air Guitar World
Championships is open to the citizens of all along with this declaration as well as
national qualifying competitions).
countries. If an ofﬁcial national qualifying spreading it in its own competitions.
5. In the ﬁnal the competitors perform two competition is arranged in the Air Guitar
player’s home country, the competitor must 10. Prizes
The main prize of the Air Guitar World
- Compulsory song (1 minute), which is the participate in it.
Championships is a genuine electric
same for all the competitors and which the The organisers of the ofﬁcial national
competitors will not hear until right before qualifying competitions will pay for the
the ﬁnal. winner of the competition to travel to
11. The obligations of the World
- Song of own choice (1 minute). The Oulu and represent his/her country in the
Champion The Air Guitar World
competitors must bring their personally Air Guitar World Championships. The
Champion selected annually in Oulu must
selected song with them on a CD. The winners of the ofﬁcial national qualifying
carry the joyful tidings of the Air Guitar
competitor may edit the song beforehand so competitions have direct access to the ﬁnal
forward and thus promote world peace.
that it lasts one minute, or alternatively let of the Air Guitar World Championships,
the organisers know the point from which to i.e. they do not participate in the qualifying
start playing the song. arranged in Oulu. Rules from www.omvf.net/2004/
6. Personal Air
Backing groups -
real or Air Groups
- are not allowed.
The dress code
for an Air Guitar
player is free and
he/she may use
additional props in 19
Elephant will hit you with a shotgun slug
to the heart.
touch your emotions on many levels, and
leaves you thinking outside the square of
Director: Gus Van Sant your normal perimeters. I suggest you put
Reviewer: Dan Trevarthen aside a box of tissues and a whole day
before you get comfortable; you won’t be
A Beggar At The Gate able to put it down!
Starring: Eric Deulen, Alex Frost,
Author: Thalassa Ali
John Robinson, Timothy Bottoms, Elias
Reviewer: CJ Clarke
McConnell and Matt Malloy Raising Helen
Rating: 4/5 Rating: 4.5/5 Director: Garry Marshall
Reviewer: Vanessa Evetts
Superbly written, easy to read novel laden
with 19th Century history spreading from
Cast: Kate Hudson, John Corbett, Joan
Calcutta in East India, across to Lahore
within the border of Pakistan and up to
Kabul, in Afghanistan. To imagine the
courage and strength of character to tackle
this journey on foot, with camels, horses
For starters Kate Hudson looks absolutely
and unknown foes sets an exhilarating
stunning! Her character Helen is an up
Haunting and poignant, Elephant is a scene. Ali’s writing style manages to
and coming assistant in a very high proﬁle
true cinema experience. The setting is a tantalize your senses and emotions with
modelling agency. Her wild lifestyle, love
peaceful looking school, underlined by a vitality and culture. Courtyard proprieties
affairs and career are put on hold after
melancholy score and slow narrative. The and overwhelming indecencies offer a
she loses her sister and brother in law in
viewer is there as an observer, sometimes diverse view of two religions and multi-
a horriﬁc car accident. (Being that I am a
to agonising lengths. Activities such as culture in another era.
self confessed sook I was choking back
walking from the ﬁeld into a classroom
the tears here!) But the biggest shock is
sometimes occur in real time. Inspirational, heartwrenching, and soul
yet to come. Her sister’s three children
searching! This is the story of a young
aged 15, 10, and 5 have been left in her
But there’s a method to this slow madness. English woman who lost her heart ﬁrst
It serves to build huge anticipation, to the Muslim three old son of a monarch
particularly since most viewers will of Lahore, and then to his father. She
This is a beautiful ﬁlm. From the
bout to married in haste, followed by a two-year
beginnings of a new romance - not too
happen to this serene setting. You will st
struggle between her English family
illicit being that her new beau (John
ng whe ell
sit there wondering when hell is going to nd
and Christian mores, and the pull of her
Corbett) is a pastor and principal at the
se, me e
break loose, meanwhile the edge of your hear to all things Eastern. Gossip makes
kids new Lutheran school (who in his own
seat is getting a good workout. Echoing h
her an outcast with her own people and
words is a “sexy man of God and knows
footsteps are false alarms and the ﬁrst differences of culture make her a foreigner
it”), to the semi-realistic transformation
shot of the killers is interrupted by a in a land she continually felt drawn to.
from successful funky aunt to a mother of
witch viewpoint of several other
switch to the viewp
three not afraid to hear ‘I hate you’ from
characters. T multiple plot lines are put A refreshing look at the ethnicity of
her new 15 year old ‘daughter’.
together slightly obliquely at times, and Muslims that portrays an informative
the result is more challenging than the and receptive view of a culture that is not
This ﬁlm is undeniably a chick ﬂick, and
slightly more conventional multiple plot widely accepted by the West. Well worth
I admit it is probably a love it/hate it ﬁlm,
devices of Pulp Fiction, for example. a read to get a more balanced perspective
but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Well worth
The camera work is beautiful, with a lot and a heart for a completely different way
a viewing, but probably on video… big
of stylistic focus changes and interesting of life. Ali has done well showing insight
screen is not a necessity.
cuts. The actors, mostly inexperienced, into the emotions of cultural diversity
have a delightfully untarnished air about without diminishing any of the characters
them – this is America’s youth. in the story.
When the shooters begin their rampage, There was only one reason this novel
it’s hard not to feel somehow sorry has not been given 5/5...and you will no
for them. They’re so screwed up, yet doubt ﬁnd that out! A real page-turner,
painfully normal for kids their age. especially for women, Ali is well able to
Chapter and Verse
Author: Colin Bateman
slams the American way for what it really
is, and yes, we have this in New Zealand
too. Read it and feel the fear.
John Butler Trio
Sunrise over Sea
Reviewer: Dan Trevarthen Reviewer: Sean Dillon
Author: Kevin Lewis
Chapter and Verse is a novel about a Genre: Autobiography
struggling novelist faced with the changing Reviewer: Michelle Vollemaere
times and tastes of readers. Main character
Ivan Conner is a good writer, but his books Rating: 4/5
sell tiny amounts compared to those of
marketable romance writer Francesca This book bothered me. Deeply. It raised
Brady. Thankfully Colin Bateman’s story more questions than it answered and
is neither boring nor overly lightweight. left me with lingering feelings of guilt
Admittedly, publishing sounds like a boring and sadness about a futile world where
subject, but Bateman’s wit and plot twists children, and their parents, are abandoned
make this entertaining stuff. This isn’t the in an inescapable cycle of poverty,
deep literary work of the protagonist, this is ignorance and violence. Rating: 3.75/5
a fun ﬂing of romance and humour, closer Kevin Lewis’ frank recollection of his
to the description of Francesca Brady’s brutal childhood on a London council- Armed with an 11-string guitar, a group of
books. Twists and turns abound and it’s estate in the 1970s, and his lonely double bass, djembe, darambukka, conga,
hard to put this down. Despite all the good adolescent struggle to succeed despite and tikky tak electric guitar wielding
laughs and accessible writing, Chapter and the odds makes for compelling and musicians, and a brain full of hippy earth-
loving lyrics, John Butler has released the
Verse is but a ﬂing, and won’t stick in your
mind past nex week.
xt Living in squalor and chaos; openly hated
cha ultimate winter girlfriend album.
by his mother; regularl and viciously
beaten from an early age; verbally abused;
age The album’s sound screams Ben Harper in
Kingdom of F starved; unloved; unwashed and unhealthy. my book but his lyrics are far more focused
Home life is intolerably stressful and on respect, especially towards yourself,
Hunter S Thompson friends, family and mother earth. Oh
school offers no respite.
Reviewer: Peter Knight Some life-saving time spent in the care of yeah, did I mention mother earth? These
Social Services gives him some experience guys give the words “dirty hippy” new
Rating 4/5 meaning, and with basically every song
of normality and the inspiration to achieve
a better life. on this album somehow relating to saving
Once again Hunter gives us a book that the planet (that’s what I think anyway) this
The story is full of gaps in detail and
is living on the edge, with a dialogue that puppy will have you hugging trees in no
chronology and is, of course, a one-sided
pulls you into a world like no other, Hunter time. I especially dig the song Old Man,
version of events. It’s worth remembering
S Thompson’s mind. Sex, drugs and rock and with its powerful guitar solos I could
this is an autobiographical account written
n roll is an understatement - add bikes, imagine dancing in front of the ﬁre with a
from the memory of an abused child and
crazed trips and the law and we’re getting winter girlfriend for hours of happiness to
not a ﬁnely crafted tale by an experienced
close. “It may be that every culture needs an that one.
novelist. Despite all this, Lewis writes
Outlaw god of some kind, and maybe this
well. The text and imagery are tight and
time around I’m it”. A man that has taken Overall it’s a pretty solid effort from Mr
compelling. So realistically are the scenes
more LSD-25 than Timothy Leroy knew Butler and his posse. The diversity in his
drawn that many times I wanted to reach
existed knows the kingdom of fear. This is songs show some extreme talent but I
into the pages and pluck this small boy to
the life story of an insane hedonist, which guess it’s the type of album that you love or
leaves many in awe. Not because they are safety.
hate so if you’re into the lyrical violence of
jealous, they just don’t know how he has Eminem or the images of Marilyn Manson
survived, let alone remained so precise of on stilts, getting this album ain’t gonna be
mind. Anyone that has ingested acid knows doing you no favours. But if you’re into
the risk of never coming back and yet HST Ben Harper, Donavon Frankenreiter or
seems never to have gone in the ﬁrst place. simply the freedom of growing armpit hair,
With a viewpoint on life that is so clear, this my friend - is an album for you. Power
HST tells us of the injustice that befalls to the peaceful.
many and how nothing is done about it. He
letters the editor
letters toto theeditor
Anti Protesting the ﬁfty that turned up at the protest although I was certainly not a saint I
they had the time or made the time to have seen his many blessings, hence
Dear editor, make their stand. why I believe.
Yeah I agree with that guy that wrote
The demands of the current system Back to the point though... Nick
last time, kinda. I do however, think
means that more students have to Mayne. I am not proud that I do not
that he’s wrong to say that students
work as well as study which puts more talk about God... how many seeds have
think that a universal allowance is a
pressure on quality education and I planted for the Kingdom? Probably
silly thing, because it’s not. It would
time. I have been approached by many not too many. I love helping people, I
be cool. Is it going to happen? Not
students since that want to attend the love having fun, and I love living life,
a chance. I think that’s why students
next protest. I fear you have made an but evangelism is just not for me.
don’t protest, just because it’s not a
very good use of time. assumption based on your own beliefs. But in saying that I don’t believe that
Is it a silly idea to have an Allowance Nick has been pushing his faith on
I do have way better things to do then available to all domestic students anybody. He is just being honest about
protest for something that’s never regardless of age? who he is. We need that in our society.
going to happen. The exec should set We need people (especially politicians
a realistic goal and then maybe people Peter Knight, Education & Welfare - however big or small) to stand up for
would come. Vice President what they believe in. Too many people
sit back and just let things happen
Ben thinking they could not possibly make
Proud of Faith
Response to Issue 8 Almost every issue I have been sitting
back reading the frequent arguments Well I am glad that people of our
about whether Nick Mayne (AKA generation are not afraid to face a bit of
Student President) should be telling rejection to be strong and honest about
people of his faith or not. And it has their faith. Good on you Nick.
In response to your letter “Not
interested in Protesting” and your caused me to think of my own faith.
People like me don’t come out of the
misconstrued logic, I know for a I guess you could say I am also a
woodwork very often but we are here
fact that a vast majority of domestic ‘Christian’, although I don’t put much
and we do appreciate your honesty.
students agree with “A Living weight on labels. I absolutely believe
Allowance for All”. I have spent huge in God and Jesus as his son, and have I guarantee if the student president
amounts of time talking to the students faith that he is guiding me through this was advocating sex or alcohol in his
about what concerns them the most and life. columns it would not even be an issue.
one of these is the increasing number
I also believe that I have a purpose. I VIE
of students forced to get a loan to cover
am not just here on this earth to wander
rent and food costs. Of the International
around aimlessly just living day to day
Students they know little of the issue,
with no idea of what I am here for. I am Harrassed over beliefs
but once the time has been taken to
here for a reason; I was created for a
explain the issues to those interested,
reason. I refuse to believe that there is Dear members of the Albany Students’
once again they agree.
no purpose to life, it is far too precious. Association Inc
But in saying that, I am certainly not an
I have spent a year and a half now in
evangelist. As much as I believe in God As many of you will be aware, there
the ASA and have been the one that
in my own life I ﬁnd it really difﬁcult to have been many discussions recently
collects most of the signatures for the
talk about him to other people. about my Christianity and whether I
petitions and protest cards. Of all the
students I have spoken to only about have acted appropriately as President
I guess there is an underlying fear of
ﬁve (that’s right ﬁve) domestic students of the ASA. These comments have
rejection. People often have negative
have disagreed with the concept. That’s been ﬁelded in this magazine and on
reactions to hearing about God, I was
ﬁve out of thousands that disagree, of the ASA website forum. They were
brought up in a Christian home and
started by one student going by the Cheers,
pseudonym “the Disappointed Atheist” Piratecore LETTER OF
but have since included comments
from several other students. No, girls don’t actually talk to me,
perhaps you could ask the exec for
Personally, I feel none of this advice. Or your Mum. Or the guy at Editor pushing buttons
discussion has been conducted in a the dairy. Optimus Prime has given
constructive manner; however I have advice before but he doesn’t appear Hey Danny Boy,
done nothing to stop it as I feel you to be in the ofﬁce this week. No
I’ve been getting your magazine
should be entitled to publicly criticise seriously, here’s some advice. Grow
me as an elected ofﬁcial. However, a Magnum PI-styled moustache.
through work, and you’re doing
now things have gone too far. Many Seriously, that would be totally sweet. a really good job! It’s SO much
of the recent comments have been in a If you have a sweet mo, you don’t better than stupid Debate (AUT
form that is both harassment and libel. need women, the whole freaking mag). And your photo always
In addition I have received testimony world is at your feet - Dan looks so hot!
from Islamic students who have been Nic
coerced into signing a petition for a
motion of no-conﬁdence in me based You rule - Dan
on the allegation that I oppose an WINnext issueWIN
Islamic prayer space.
I am highly disappointed with the
action of the students who have
conducted themselves in this manner,
and I would like to plead with them
to stop. Your actions are not helping
anyone. Please, by all means, go ahead
with your motion of no-conﬁdence in
me, but keep your comments truthful. Congratulations, you have
In fact, I look forward to your motion won yourself the His ‘n’ Hers
as we will ﬁnally be able to resolve this book promotion including:
issue one way or another. I would also
ask that you stop harassing me about
Kyle Millls - Storming Heaven
this on the ASA forum.
Fiona Walker - Lots of Love
Finally I would like to make a public
declaration that although I have Please collect from:
been hurt by the comments of these
students; I do not want to hold any Satellite Ofﬁce
animosity towards these students. I Best letter to the editor next Building 90, Gate 5
forgive you for your actions but ask issue wins: Old Campus
you to please stop.
A Million Little Pieces Or if you are not on campus
Nicholas Mayne by James Frey. ﬂick us a line and we will send
them out to you.
Advice: How do I get a girl? Satellite has two copies to give
away. 09 443 9750
I’m hoping to get some mack at This book was reviewed last is-
orientation. 48May are a “pretty- sue. Well worth a read, so get Have your say, email
boy” band so there should be some
hot mamas there. You seem to obsess
about girls a lot. Can you give me any
advice? (aside from growing an afro For a chance to win another
like yourself, ya bloody gollywog) great book see page 12-13. 23