Volume 6, Issue 9, December 10 – 16
TUBE TALK
The Chinese equivalent of the TV guide is the 每周广播电视报 mĕizhōu guăngbō diànshìbào (TV Weekly). But your faithful Comrade knows that not all foreign friends can read Chinese characters. That's why he's prepared this week's 实际 shíjì (practical) guide to Chinese television. Believe it or not, there are still some laowai out there who don't get Star TV. Funny how the people who do get Star TV are usually also the people getting hardship allowances from their companies. While the 高干子弟 gāogàn zĭdì (children of high officials) are watching CNN and Baywatch, us laobaixing are stuck with Chinese game shows where the big winner takes home a RMB5 bag of prawn crackers. I guess that's a suitable prize for correctly answering questions like "Are bats birds?" and "What does an anteater eat?" First it should be noted that Chinese television 节目 jiémù (programs) have a tendency to begin and end at the most 想不到 xiăng bú dào (unexpected) times. It's not uncommon for a broadcast to start at 7:08 and end at 7:27, and unless you know in advance what time the show ends you'll never be able to guess from the events in the program itself. Programs often end abruptly while someone is in midsentence, or before you've even figured out the 情节 qíngjié (plot). As a matter of fact, most Chinese TV shows consist of little more than 情节发展 qíngjié fāzhăn (plot development). Like sex at the Comrade's age, rarely is there a 高潮 gāocháo (climax). At almost any given time of the day or night, you can be sure of encountering the following programs as you flip through Beijing's TV stations. 1. Sporting Events (运动节目 yùndòng jiémù). In China, these consist mainly of 乒乓球 pīngpāngqiú (ping-pong, or table tennis), 排球 páiqiú (volleyball), 足球 zúqiú (soccer, or football if you're from the Commonwealth) and 篮 球 lánqiú
(basketball), featuring washed-up foreign basketball "stars" who play on the Chinese teams. 2. Soap Operas (肥皂剧 féizàojù). These are good for a laugh, although they're not 故意 gùyì (intentionally) funny. The next time you watch a Chinese 戏剧连续剧 xìjù liánxùjù (drama series) on TV, count the number of times the leading actor turns his/her head (either slowly and thoughtfully or quickly and excitedly) in one episode. Usually not a word can be spoken in those shows without a head being turned. It's a rule or something. Chinese soap operas include 武打片 wǔdăpiàn (kung-fu fighting movies), which also involve a lot of head turning. There's the slow head turn, where the old kung-fu master turns to smirk at his challenger, and the "land-on-the-ground-and-turn-head-quickly-to-look-at-opponent" head turn. The foreign soap operas and drama series chosen for Chinese TV aren't much better. Some popular shows feature a deaf detective who reads lips and a team of fashion models who moonlight as private investigators. 3. Comedy Series (幽默连续剧 yōumò liánxùjù). Not as funny as the soap operas, Chinese sitcoms are hilarious if you like to watch people sneeze and fall down. The only way to tell comedies apart from other types of shows is by the laugh track. 4. Book Reading (说书 shuōshū). This concept started as a 无线电台节目 wúxiàn diàntái jiémù (radio program), until some 天才 tiāncái (genius) figured out that book reading could just as easily be a hit on TV. Meant for those with really short attention spans, book-reading shows are just that: a show where some guy wearing lipstick narrates a whole book while making exaggerated gestures with one hand and fanning himself with the other. 5. 'Cross-talk' (相声 xiāngshēng). The literal translation of this word is "crosstalk," but what it really means is "two guys in dresses talking to each other." The actors are usually Chinese, but on special occasions you can catch a Chinesespeaking Canadian guy shaking his linguistic cakes for cash, cross-talking in Chinese about such absurd topics as what foreigners eat for breakfast.
6. News (新闻 xīnwén). In order to watch and understand the news in Chinese, the first thing you have to get straight is that 我国 wŏ guó means "China." Rule #2: Anything that at any time in Chinese history was considered bad can now be considered good, provided the words "with Chinese characteristics" are added to the name. 7. Chinese Opera (戏剧 xìjù). 刺耳 Cì’ĕr (shrill) about sums it up. Foreigners simply can't 欣赏 xīnshăng (appreciate) something as complex as Chinese opera, which has 5000 years of history and tradition. It's more than just men and women shrieking on a stage - it's men and women shrieking on a stage in colorful outfits. 8. Movies (电影 diànyĭng). The ones you'll see on TV are mostly 革命电影 gémìng diànyĭng (revolutionary flicks). These are the old war movies about how the CCP won World War II single-handedly by defeating the Japanese imperialists with farming tools. Usually the best acting you'll see on Chinese TV is in the 广 告 guănggào (commercials). The music used in Chinese TV commercials can't be topped: the theme song from Star Trek in a bicycle commercial, a saxophone rendition of "My Way" in an ad for chocolates and that song "All That She Wants is Another Baby" in a commercial for planned childbirth. Which brings me to the 宣 传 广 告 xuānchuán guănggào (propaganda commercials), which teach people to be model citizens by explaining how they must learn to be filial from watching the behavior patterns of crows. Another kind of commercial, the 信息广告 xìnxi guănggào (infomercial), is now taking China by storm. Items like automatic potato-peelers or electronic applecorers which never sold in their home countries are now being marketed in China in a desperate attempt by their "inventors" to get rid of them. What these foreign entrepreneurs don't seem to understand is that people won't spend three-quarters of their monthly salary for a tap water purifying device when they don't even have 自来水 zìláishuĭ (running water). One of the few places you can hear pure, unadulterated Mandarin is on television. So if you're not too busy playing golf or sitting in the sauna, try watching Chinese TV to improve your 听力 tīnglì (listening skills).