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					                                  Bits of the Brits
      Bits and pieces of British humour we (could) have seen on Serbian TV
              By Marija Kovač, Grammar and Economics School, Kovin


At first, my idea was to give a review of all British sitcoms and films we have enjoyed in
the last 15 years or so. It a matter of seconds I realised it was more of a material for an
  encyclopaedia than an ELTA Newsletter article, but since I was keen on the idea, I
decided to give you my top list and a few pictures and quotes that might interest you to
    surf the net or get a video/DVD yourselves to discover the shows or refresh your
           memory. For more, visit www.youtube.com , www.wikipedia.org and
http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/shows/index.shtml . And of course, most of these shows
                           have their own sites. Check them out.

                                 Only Fools and Horses




      (Del doesn't want to hear Uncle Albert's war stories.)

      Albert During the...
      Del If you say during the war, I'll pour this cup of tea over your head!
      Albert I wasn't going to say during the war!
      Del Alright then.
      Albert Bloody little know all!
      Del Sorry
      Albert That's alright. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...

      (Del hits out at Boycie's comments on making him a cup of coffee by referring to his
      car. )

      Del Here, Boyce. You know this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the number plates then
      you got yourself a personalised number plate!

      (Trigger is at the Trotter flat, Rodney is listening to classical music and Del walks in. )

      Trigger Ain't there any words to this, Dave?
      Rodney Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.
      Del What's this?!
      Trigger It's Mozart's Concerto in D Major. It's the karaoke version.

      Del Boy: Don't worry, Rodney. This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
      Rodney: This time last WEEK we were millionaires!
                           Monty Python‟s Flying Circus




The Funniest Joke in the World
Voiceover: This man is Ernest Scribbler (Michael Palin), writer of jokes. In a few
moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world… and, as a consequence,
he will die… laughing. (Scribbler writes his joke and dies laughing. His mother (Eric
Idle) then enters the room. She is shocked by the death of her son, and seeing the
paper in Scribbler's hands, she reads it, dying of laughter as well.)

It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired
and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in
peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. Its
metabolic processes are now of interest only to historians! He's off the twig! He's
kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the
choir invisible! This is an ex-parrot!- John Cleese's rant to Michael Palin during the
dead parrot sketch.

Wife: Have you got anything without SPAM?
Waitress: Well, there's SPAM egg sausage and SPAM, that's not got much SPAM in it.
Wife: I don't want any SPAM!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon SPAM and sausage?
Wife: That's got SPAM in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much SPAM in it as SPAM egg sausage and SPAM, has it?
Vikings: SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM... Lovely SPAM! Wonderful SPAM! -The infamous
Monty Python SPAM skit
                               As Time Goes Bye




Jean is looking at Judy's (her daughter’s) empty wardrobe

       Jean: I was just seeing what she'd left behind.
       Lionel: And I've taken up kickboxing.

Judy: It's all in the mind, age.
Jean: What, dying brain cells?



Jean : You don't like babies, don't you?
Lionel : Not when they're young, no.



Jean walks Lionel through the first time they met, trying to get him to write a second
book.

    Lionel: I saw you, and I stopped breathing. I really did.
    Jean: Aww
    Lionel: I started again, of course, or I would have died...
                              Men Behaving Badly




Gary: Let's face it Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is that if you're both
marooned on a deserted island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her
temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.



Deborah: Oh look Tony I'm really sorry if I've hurt you.
Tony: How do you mean?
Deborah: Oh, y'know, me going out with Ray.
Tony: Hardly even noticed to be honest.
Deborah: So why did you open the window and shout "get lost smug estate agent bastard"
at him?
Tony: No, you see that wasn't him, that was this other estate agent on the other side of the
road.
Deborah: And he says he caught you pushing potato peelings through his car window.
Tony: Oh yeah, I did do that. What, so you want me to stop?


Tony: [Tony has been trying to tattoo himself with a darning needle]
It was going to read "Deborah, I love you", but now I'm just going for "Deb".
                                                   „Allo „Allo!




[repeated line]
René: You stupid woman!

[repeated line]
Michelle Dubois: Listen very carefully; I shall say this only once.

Edith: Tonight I will sing as I have never sung before.
René: What, in tune?

Herr Flick: You put your right boot in, you take your right boot out, you do a lot of shouting and you
shake your fists about. You light a little smokie and you burn down ze town, zat's vot it's all about. Ah,
Himmler, Himmler, Himmler..


[in order to save René from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, the colonel intends to have a military
practice at the site and kill him in the crossfire]
René: I don't know, is it possible to just wound him?
Capt. Hans Geering: With a 22mm shell, "just wounding" may be difficult.


[Maria has disguised the airmen as waitresses, so René mimes to them that they must not go upstairs
with the Germans]
Flying Officer Carstairs: [turning to Fairfax] What was all that about?
Flying Officer Fairfax: I think he means that if Hitler comes in and wants us to go upstairs with him,
we're not to go.
Flying Officer Carstairs: Is he like "that," then?
Flying Officer Fairfax: Oh, yes.
René: [to the others] And they must not speak.
[Rene turns to the airmen and mimes that they must be silent]
Flying Officer Carstairs: What does that mean?
Flying Officer Fairfax: Well, if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone.
Flying Officer Carstairs: Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it.
                              The Benny Hill Show




Blanche: Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle - drink and sex!
Harry: Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.

Nicholas Parsons: Are Thames executives against attractive nude women?
Fred Scuttle: Not as often as they'd like to be!

Traveller: I say, is this Platt's Bottom?
Toddy: No, it's not, it's mine!
Traveller: Well, where do I find Platt's Bottom?
Toddy: Well, you don't start from there!
Traveller: Well, which direction is it?
Toddy: I don't know.
Paddy: Me neither.
Traveller: You're not very bright, are you?
Chirpy Chuckles: No, but we ain't lost!

Mervyn Cruddy: I don't care what anybody says, you know, about these common-market
Romeos, for my money the greatest lover in the world is the Englishman.
Andree Melly: Well, surely it's the Frenchman who has that reputation, the way he'll kiss a girls
hand, and then her cheek, her neck, and then here ears...
Mervyn Cruddy: By that time, the Englishman's coming home from his honeymoon, I'd say!

Sheriff Bill Jardine: Hey, do we know Ace Dickey?
Deputy Leroy: Yeah. Did five years for statutory rape.
Sheriff Bill Jardine: Why now, anybody who rapes a statue deserves what he gets!
                                      Blackadder




   [Edmund congratulates himself on 'his' cunning plan.]
   Edmund: After all, who has the fastest brain in the land?
   Baldrick: Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!
   Edmund: Who is the boldest horseman in the land?
   Baldrick: Prince Edmund…
   [Edmund stares angrily at Percy.]
   Baldrick, Percy: … Duke of Edinburgh!
   Edmund: Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?
   Percy: Oh, don't tell me! It's that… oh… from Norfolk…
   Edmund: PRINCE…
   Baldrick, Percy: … Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!
   Edmund: Precisely! Or… as I shall be known from now on… 'The Black… Vegetable'.
   Baldrick: My Lord, wouldn't something like 'The Black Adder' sound better?
   Edmund: No! Wait. I think I have a better idea. What about… 'The Black… Adder'!


   Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as a hole in the head - an
   affliction with which you must be very familiar, having never had a brain.

   Edmund: [weakly] Harry... what are my chances?
Harry: Oh, very good.
Queen: He will live?
Harry: Living? Oh, I thought you meant of going to heaven.
Edmund: [weakly] Damn.

   Queen Elizabeth: And me, Blackadder. Did you miss me?
   Edmund: Ma'am... life without you is like a broken pencil.
   Queen Elizabeth: Explain?
   Edmund: Pointless.
Marija Kovač is an English teacher from Pančevo. She works at Grammar and Economics School “Branko
Radičević” in Kovin. You might have met her at ELTA and BC seminars and workshops, because she is a
regular goer. In addition to attending workshops, she enjoys faciliating them ever since she did her first in
2006, jointly with two other YETI grant teachers.