The Silent Killer by fjwuxn

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									The Silent Killer
     Cirrhosis Too Young
           …a memoir?…
Probably I write till I die from this shit

             by: Greg Naile
    Dedicated to Alida: My love, my world

If I make it through this…I will get on my knee,
               And we will be “we”!
                            Sober and Drug free since: Nov 25th, 2006
                        Published by: NHD Productions and Freakshow Printing, 2007

                                                Good-Bye Letter
                                                 Jan, 20, 2007

                                             Smirnoff and Affiliates
                                             Smirnoff Headquarters
                                              1968 Drinkers Trail
                                                Gustov, Russia

Dear Mr. Smirnoff and Affiliates,

           This letter is to inform you of my immediate resignation as Chief Corporate Product Tester of
Quality Control. To be a corporate tester seemed to be the dream job for me at the time, because of all the
experimenting and testing I did with your products throughout high school and college. Making me a perfect
fit for the job.
           For years I enjoyed hosting personal parties for our clients and friends alike to test and enjoy your
variety of quality products. The work seemed very attractive and exciting at first, but for my own health and
survival, I have to cut you out of my life and start a new resume.
           After years of hard work and play, my mind and body have suffered from excessive use, abuse, and
strain from work.
           I also regret that I had to break off my longtime affair with your beautiful secretary Mary Jane, but
it just had to be. “MJ” has been there through many rough times for me, but yet after years of confidence
building or stress relieving, MJ did a great job at making me believe the work I was doing, and has always
been a fun friend to confide in.
She had said that she took to me immediately because I was that fun, out-going, easy-going person she could
share and laugh with.
           Even though Mary Jane remains beautiful throughout the years, I think she will understand why I
have to remove her from my life to pursue other interests at this crucial time of change and growth.
           But, Mr. Smirnoff, you have repeatedly made promises that you have failed to keep. This is not to
imply that you are solely at fault, but I just feel let down and abused in the long run. Please down get me
wrong Mr. Smirnoff, you have been a great boss for many years and even though I took my work home with
me many of times, and worked diligently after-hours with friends and people I barely knew to get my work
and research done, I feel you also had a hidden agenda within the promotion of your product.
           I don‟t feel that you necessarily lied to me about all the possible health risks that can be associated
with working for so long in an intense toxic environment. But I do feel in the future that your potential
employees and product users should be warned of the risks that come with a seemingly fun and playful
           But please don‟t worry about finding a gung-ho replacement; probably right out of college, that will
accept the job with great enthusiasm and go-getter skills
           I was damn good at my job, but the years of wear and tear on my body have made me decide to seek
out a safer occupation where I can be myself and learn and grow with the support of my family and core loved
ones. I think this is the best decision for me, and that I need to leave and forget about all the bottles that have
floated and gone under the bridge, and not gotten stuck in the dam directly before it, and move on.
           Now don‟t get me wrong, I am not blaming you personally, Mr. Smirnoff, I know you are only doing
your job, which you do very well I might add. But long-term exposure to your products eventually put me in a
life threatening risk that has drastically changed my ways.
           I do not blame anyone but myself for staying at Smirnoff Headquarters for so long, but sometimes
you have to let go of the things you thought you once loved and move on. And please tell your lovely assistant
Mary Jane that I apologize for such short notice, but I am sure she will understand and respectfully support
my decision to move on.
           But as far as you Mr. Smirnoff, I know your business is to make money and not worry about
healthcare. I am just a drop in your overflowing bottle of consumers, so I am sure I will not be sorely missed
and easily replaceable.
           Please don‟t be offended if you see me somewhere and I walk in a different direction, because in the
end, life is really about choices, and MINE come first!
       Your, Chief Corporate Product Tester and Quality Control

       First off; I am not here to preach and bitch and wine about my situation. I,
in no way want to criminalize or name names, and definitely won‟t be seeking any
kind of retribution from there of.

       If I mention names in full, partial, or nickname status, just be stoked
enough that I remembered enough to put your name in this book. There will be
under VERY few circumstances that I will have to use a partial or fake name.
       Other than that, the shit I have written is true to my best mental knowledge
and memory. And if anyone‟s feelings get hurt, don‟t get all pissy on me, and I
have serious doubts that any of you prior fools and friends will be running for
some kind of Congress position, or God forbid the President himself….who would
even want to? But that is another story.

      This book is meant to be a living and possibly dying memoir of my life that
was cut too short at an early age by Cirrhosis of the Liver and having way too
much fun.

       I am not here to preach, and some of the text will hopefully be helpful,
fearful, and inspiring. Again, I blame no one for my misfortune but myself, BUT I
would not take a moment of my life back.

       Fuck up, do wrong, make mistakes, regret things…..but DON‟T hold on to
them, because they are the past evil that will ruin your life!

       Learn from your experiences and let them go!

       If one person learns anything from this story, then I will not have failed!
And if anyone gets a few laughs, it will show you, life is only as serious as you
make it!

       Enjoy, because:

             “We are all fallible, fucked up human beings” Albert Ellis
                             An Overview of Cirrhosis

                           By Howard J. Worman, M. D.
                               What is Cirrhosis?
Cirrhosis is characterized anatomically by widespread nodules in the liver combined
with fibrosis. The fibrosis and nodule formation causes distortion of the normal liver
architecture which interferes with blood flow through the liver. Cirrhosis can also lead
to an inability of the liver to perform its biochemical functions. To understand the
pathophysiology of cirrhosis, the normal anatomy and physiology of the liver must first
be briefly reviewed.
                                   Liver Blood Flow
Oxygenated blood that has returned from the lungs to the left ventricle of the heart is
pumped to all of the tissues of the body. This is called the systemic circulation. After
reaching the tissues, blood is returned to the right side of the heart, from where it is
pumped to the lungs and then returned to the left side of the heart after taking up
oxygen and giving off carbon dioxide. This is called the pulmonary circulation. Blood
from the gut and spleen flow to and through the liver before returning to the right side
of the heart. This is called the portal circulation and the large vein through which blood
is brought to the liver is called the portal vein. After passing through the liver, blood
flows into the hepatic vein, which leads into the inferior vena cava to the right side of
the heart. The liver also receives some blood directly from the heart via the hepatic
artery. In the esophagus, stomach, small intestine and rectum, the portal circulation and
veins of the systemic circulation are connected. Under normal conditions, there is little
to no back flow from the portal circulation into the systemic circulation.
                                  Bilirubin Secretion
The liver is the site of bile formation. Bile contains bile salts, fatty acids, cholesterol,
bilirubin and other compounds. The components of bile are synthesized and modified in
hepatocytes (the predominant cell type in the liver) and secreted into small bile ducts
within the liver itself. These small bile ducts form a branching network of progressively
larger ducts that ultimately become the common bile duct that takes bile to the small
intestine. Bilirubin is a yellow pigment that derives primarily from old red blood cells.
Bilirubin is taken up by hepatocytes from the blood, modified in the hepatocytes to a
water soluble form and secreted into the bile.
                               Biochemical Functions
The liver performs many biochemical functions. Blood clotting factors are synthesized
in the liver. Albumin, the major protein in the blood, is also synthesized in and secreted
from the liver. The modification and/or synthesis of bile components also takes place in
the liver. Many of the body's metabolic functions occur primarily in the liver including
the metabolism of cholesterol and the conversion of proteins and fats into glucose. The
liver is also where most drugs and toxins, including alcohol, are metabolized.
                          What Goes Wrong in Cirrhosis?
Cirrhosis results from damage to liver cells from toxins, inflammation, metabolic
derangements and other causes. Damaged and dead liver cells are replaced by fibrous
tissue which leads to fibrosis (scarring). Liver cells regenerate in an abnormal pattern
primarily forming nodules that are surrounded by fibrous tissue. Grossly abnormal liver
architecture eventually ensues that can lead to decreased blood flow to and through the
Decreased blood flow to the liver and blood back up in the portal vein and portal circulation
leads to some of the serious complications of cirrhosis. Blood can back up in the spleen
causing it to enlarge and sequester blood cells. Most often, the platelet count falls because of
splenic sequestration leading to abnormal bleeding. If the pressure in the portal circulation
increases because of cirrhosis and blood back up (note: this can also sometimes occur in
severe cases of acute hepatitis and liver damage), blood can flow backwards from the portal
circulation to the systemic circulation where they are connected. This can lead to varicose veins
in the stomach and esophagus (gastric and esophageal varices) and rectum (hemorrhoids).
Gastric and esophageal varices can rupture, bleed massively and even cause death.
Hypertension in the portal circulation, along with other hormonal, metabolic and kidney
abnormalities in cirrhosis, can also lead to fluid accumulation in the abdomen (ascites) and the
peripheral tissue (peripheral edema).
Decreased bilirubin secretion from hepatocytes in cirrhosis leads to the back up of bilirubin in
the blood. This leads to jaundice, the yellow discoloration of the skin and eyes. As the water-
soluble form of bilirubin also backs up in the blood, bilirubin can also spill into the urine giving it
a bright yellow to dark brown color.
Abnormal biochemical function of the liver in cirrhosis can lead to several complications. The
serum albumin concentration falls which can lead to aggravation of ascites and edema. The
metabolism of drugs can change requiring dose adjustments. In men, breast enlargement
(gynecomastia) sometimes occurs because metabolism of estrogen in the liver is decreased.
Decreased production of blood clotting factors can lead to bleeding complications.
Derangements in the metabolism of triglycerides, cholesterol and sugar can occur. In earlier
stages, cirrhosis frequently can cause insulin resistance and diabetes mellitus. In later stages
or in severe liver failure, blood glucose may be low because it cannot be synthesized from fats
or proteins.
Cirrhosis, especially in advanced cases, can cause profound abnormalities in the brain. In
cirrhosis, some blood leaving the gut bypasses the liver as blood flow through the liver is
decreased. Metabolism of components absorbed in the gut can also be decreased as liver cell
function deteriorates. Both of these derangements can lead to hepatic encephalopathy as toxic
metabolites, normally removed from the blood by the liver, can reach the brain. In its early
stages, subtle mental changes such as poor concentration or the inability to construct simple
objects occurs. In severe cases, hepatic encephalopathy can lead to stupor, coma, brain
swelling and death.
Cirrhosis of the liver can also cause abnormalities in other organ systems. Cirrhosis can lead to
immune system dysfunction causing an increased risk of infection. Ascites fluid in the abdomen
often becomes infected with bacteria normally present in the gut (spontaneous bacterial
peritonitis). Cirrhosis can also lead to kidney dysfunction and failure. In end-stage cirrhosis, a
type of kidney dysfunction called hepatorenal syndrome can occur. Hepatorenal syndrome is
almost always fatal unless liver transplantation is performed.
                   Clinical Symptoms and Diagnosis of Cirrhosis
Cirrhosis is usually an easy diagnosis to make when any or all of the above
abnormalities and complications are present. This is especially true when the
underlying liver disease can be identified. The underlying liver disease (see below) is
identified in most patients, however, sometimes it will not be discovered. Such cases
are called "cryptogenic" cirrhosis. Sometimes, other conditions such as metastatic
cancer, hepatic or portal vein thrombosis, severe acute hepatitis or acute bile duct
obstruction can cause some of the abnormalities seen in cirrhosis. A careful history
combined with special diagnostic tests will usually identify these conditions.
Some patients with cirrhosis, especially early in the course of the disease, will have no overt
clinical signs or symptoms. Some may have only subtle physical changes such as red palms,
red spots that blanch on their upper body (spider angiomata), hypertrophy of the parotid glands,
gynecomastia or fibrosis of tendons in the palms. Some patients may only have subtle
abnormalities on blood tests, and in some cases, all blood tests may be normal. Radiological
and nuclear medicine tests may give clues as to the presence of cirrhosis, but the diagnosis of
cirrhosis must often be made by liver biopsy.
                                    Causes of Cirrhosis
Although most often associated with alcohol abuse, cirrhosis of the liver can result
from many causes. Almost any chronic liver disease can lead to cirrhosis. This list
gives some of the many causes:

       Alcoholic liver disease - most common cause in the U. S. A.
       Chronic viral hepatitis B, C and D
       Chronic autoimmune hepatitis
       Inherited metabolic diseases (e. g. hemochromatosis, Wilson disease)
       Chronic bile duct diseases (e. g. primary biliary cirrhosis)
       Chronic congestive heart failure
       Parasitic infections (e. g. schistosomiasis)
       Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis (liver inflammation that can be caused by fatty
       Long term exposure to toxins or drugs

Cirrhosis of the liver is irreversible but treatment of the underlying liver disease may
slow or stop the progression. Such treatment depends upon the underlying etiology.
Termination of alcohol intake will stop the progression in alcoholic cirrhosis and for
this reason, it is important to make the diagnosis early in a chronic alcohol abuser.
Similarly, discontinuation of a hepatotoxic drug or removal of an environmental toxin
will stop progression. Treatment of metabolic diseases, such as treatment of iron
overload in hemochromatosis or copper overload in Wilson disease, are also effective
therapies. Chronic viral hepatitis B and C may respond to treatment with interferon and
autoimmune hepatitis may improve with prednisone and azathioprine (Imuran). Drugs
such as ursodiol (Actigall) may slow the progression of primary biliary cirrhosis and
possibly sclerosing cholangitis.
In patients with cirrhosis of the liver, treatment must also be directed at the complications.
Bleeding esophageal varices can be treated with endoscopic sclerotherapy or rubber band
ligation. Ascites and edema are often responsive to a low sodium diet and such a diet must be
emphasized in patients with these symptoms. More advanced ascites and edema can respond
to diuretic therapy. A low protein diet and agents such as lactulose may help hepatic
encephalopathy. Infections such as spontaneous bacterial peritonitis must be rapidly treated
with appropriate antibiotics. Drugs metabolized in the liver must be given with caution.
Coagulation disorders will sometimes respond to vitamin K.
Liver transplantation is highly effective for the treatment of end-stage cirrhosis. Transplantation
is usually needed when complications such as encephalopathy, ascites or bleeding varices are
uncontrollable or when biochemical function is severely depressed. In patients with primary
biliary cirrhosis, a rising bilirubin indicates a poor prognosis and such patients should be
considered for transplantation as the serum bilirubin concentration begins to rise. Active drug or
alcohol abuse are contraindications to liver transplantation. However, alcoholics who have
abstained from drinking for an extended period of time (usually more than six months), and
have participated in rehabilitation programs and support groups such as Alcoholics
Anonymous, can be considered as candidates and will often have a good prognosis. Liver
cancer is usually a contraindication to transplantation, except in experimental protocols. Liver
transplantation is usually not performed in patients more than 70 years old.

                                       My Drugs:
I have to take all of these daily to combat the evil forces and symptoms of Cirrhosis. I
             don’t even know what it feels like to “feel” normal anymore.

1. K-Dur ( Potassium Chloride ) This medication is used to treat and prevent low
potassium levels (hypokalemia). Potassium is a natural mineral found in the body and in
various foods. Normal potassium levels are necessary for proper functioning of the
muscles, heart, kidneys, and nerves. This medication is a potassium supplement that
works by increasing or maintaining normal levels of potassium in your body.

 Side effects: Nausea, vomiting, gas, abdominal pain/discomfort, and diarrhea may occur.
If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly

2. Xifaxan: This medication is used to treat diarrhea caused by the common bacteria
known as E. coli ("traveler's diarrhea"). Rifaximin should not be used if you have a fever
or bloody diarrhea. This medication stays in the digestive system and is not absorbed into
the blood. It works by stopping the growth of bacteria.

Side effects: This medication may rarely cause a severe intestinal condition
(pseudomembranous colitis) due to resistant bacteria. This condition may occur
weeks after treatment has stopped. Do not use anti-diarrhea products or
narcotic pain medications if you have the following symptoms because these
products may make them worse. Tell your doctor immediately if you develop:
persistent diarrhea, abdominal or stomach pain/cramping, or blood/mucus in
your stool.

A very serious allergic reaction to this drug is unlikely, but seek immediate
medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of a serious allergic reaction may
include: rash, itching, swelling, severe dizziness, trouble breathing.

3. Mephyton: Vitamin K is used to treat and prevent low levels of certain
substances (blood clotting factors) that your body naturally produces. These
substances help your blood to thicken and stop bleeding normally (e.g., after an
accidental cut or injury). Low levels of blood clotting factors increase the risk for
unusual bleeding. Low levels may be caused by certain medications (e.g.,
warfarin) or medical conditions (e.g., obstructive jaundice). Vitamin K helps to
treat and prevent unusual bleeding by increasing the body's production of blood
clotting factors.
Side effects: A very serious allergic reaction to this drug is rare. However, seek
immediate medical attention if you notice any symptoms of a serious allergic
reaction, including: rash, itching, swelling, severe dizziness, trouble breathing.

4. Megestrol: This medication is used to treat cancer of the breast or uterus. It
may be used alone or with other treatments, including surgery and radiation, to
stop the growth of your tumor.

It may also be used to increase your appetite and to prevent or reverse
significant weight loss (e.g., muscle wasting in cancer or AIDS). This can result
in an increase in your sense of well-being and your physical ability

Side effects: This medication can cause weight gain, changes in appetite,
stomach upset, diarrhea, gas, trouble sleeping, decreased sexual ability/desire,
or fever. Seek immediate medical attention if any of these rare but very serious
side effects occur: chest pain, confusion, mental/mood changes,
weakness/numbness on one side of the body, pain/redness/swelling of arms or
legs, slurred speech, trouble breathing, severe or sudden vision changes.

5. Nadolol: is used alone or with other medications to treat high blood pressure
(hypertension) and to prevent chest pain (angina). Lowering high blood pressure
helps prevent strokes, heart attacks, and kidney problems. In the management
of chest pain, nadolol may also help to reduce the frequency of chest pain
episodes and improve your ability to exercise.

Side effects: Dizziness, drowsiness, weakness, and cough may occur. If any of
these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly. This
drug may reduce blood flow to your hands and feet, causing them to feel cold.
Smoking may worsen this effect. Dress warmly and avoid tobacco use.

6. Aldactone: Spironolactone is used to treat high blood pressure. Lowering
high blood pressure helps prevent strokes, heart attacks, and kidney problems.
It is also used to treat swelling (edema) caused by certain conditions (e.g.,
congestive heart failure) by removing excess fluid and improving symptoms
such as breathing problems.

Side effects: Drowsiness, lightheadedness, stomach upset, diarrhea, nausea,
vomiting, or headache may occur. Tell your doctor immediately if any of these
unlikely but serious side effects occur: dizziness, increased thirst, change in the
amount of urine, mental/mood changes, unusual fatigue/weakness, muscle
spasms, menstrual period changes, breast enlargement (gynecomastia) in men,
sexual function problems.

7. Protonix: Pantoprazole works by blocking acid production in the stomach.
This medication is known as a proton pump inhibitor (PPI). It is used to treat
acid-related stomach and throat (esophagus) problems (e.g., acid reflux or
GERD, erosive esophagitis, Zollinger-Ellison syndrome). Decreasing excess
stomach acid can help relieve symptoms such as heartburn, difficulty
swallowing, persistent cough, and trouble sleeping. It can also prevent serious
acid damage to your digestive system (e.g., ulcers, cancer of the esophagus).
Side effects: Headache, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting or stomach/abdominal pain
may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or
pharmacist promptly. Tell your doctor immediately if any of these unlikely but
serious side effects occur: signs of increased blood sugar levels (e.g., increased
thirst, increased urination, confusion).

8. Zinc Sulfate: This medication is a mineral used to treat or prevent low levels of
zinc. OTHER USES: This medication may also be used to promote wound

Side effects: Nausea, stomach upset, heartburn may occur. If any of these
effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly. Tell your
doctor immediately if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: fever,
chills, sore throat, sores in mouth, unusual tiredness, weakness.

9. Ambien CR: Zolpidem is used to treat sleep problems (insomnia). It may help
you fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer, and reduce the number of times you
awaken during the night. Zolpidem belongs to a class of drugs called
sedative/hypnotics. It acts on your brain to produce a calming effect.

Side effects: Dizziness, lightheadedness, headache, upset stomach, diarrhea,
and dry mouth may occur. Tell your doctor immediately if any of these unlikely
but serious side effects occur: fast/pounding heartbeat, unusual tiredness,
mental/mood changes (e.g., new or worsening depression, rare thoughts of
suicide, hallucinations, aggressive behavior, anxiety), memory loss,

10. Vitamin B-1: good for me?

                               1:The Early Years

                             2: The Middle Years

               3: High School 101, Intro to Alcohol and Pot
                         and the Punk Rock Era
          4: The 7 Year Binge in California
       Sex, Drugs, Surfing, Punk Rock and Roll

         5: 5 Year Art School Test of Saninty
               Years of the Silverback

            6: A short stint back to P‟Cola

     7: I‟m goin back to Cali, cali…yep I Know so

      8: Meeting Serendipity and the Dream Job

                 9: A Very Bad Day
                     May, 2006

           10: The start of the decline..well

                  11. Mayo was fun!

       12: Almost 2 Months of hell for nothing!

              13: My Stay at Hotel Mayo

             14: Back to unknown re-hab hell!
                          3 weeks

                15: “The Letter of Decline”

    16: The next few months: A blur and another story

          17: Checking in, Almost Checking out

                 18: 4th Floor Lockdown

        19: Alida comes to Check in and Check out!

  20: A look Back at some Good Times & Some Good Life

21: Surf adventures: Puert Rico, Panama, Costa Rica, BALI!
                             22: The Cali boys cometh!

                                  Chapter 1:
                                The Early Years
      My name is Gregory Joseph Naile, but I usually only heard the full name
when I was in trouble. I was born in Newport, Rhode Island in 1968, but I don‟t
remember any of that because we always seemed to be moving somewhere else.

       My dad was in the Navy, and we seemed to move somewhere else about
every 2 years. But I didn‟t care, I was in my own little world, and thing just
seemed fine to me.

       I remember my Mom being very caring, loving and nurturing at that time
in my life, so I guess I took it for granted that she was a “Navy Mom” raising 3
kids while my Dad was off to sea “concurring the world”…and for some reason I
didn‟t ask . I knew he was in the Navy and had to be gone at times to conquer the
world…so I was like cool, “Can I ride my trike-bike that dad had given to me…?

       My Dad was awesome! I remember him as being gone or away a lot
working, but when he did come home he was a good caring father. He was mellow
and laid back and only disciplined us when we really fucked up. Like when Chris,
my older brother by 16 months decided it was a good idea to pick up the backyard
playground loveseat up over his head and smash it directly into mine…( while I
was off in my own little world ) Chris got a good beatin after they said I would be
“oK” at the hospital a few stitches later.

       I remember my dad back in those days as a hard working and well liked
good guy among his other friends and seamates. They would have a few canned
adult beverages after work a lot of times and seemed to get along great.

       My Dad was and is a very likeable and well respected guy!

        I was very young but I remember my Mom and Dad always seemed to get
along and never seemed to fight. He was always respectful and never violent with
her. I was the “baby”, the youngest, so I always remember being with my Mom a
lot. Going shopping, getting groceries, doing errands and stuff like that. I was the
mellow, shy, artistic one and very easy going, so from what I remember, me and
Mom got along great.

       Dad was gone a lot being in the Navy and such and going to Vietnam. I
didn‟t quite understand why he wasn‟t there like Mom was. But she said he was
working hard to make our lives better for us. So when he was home, we got along
great and he would take us on family vacations like Disneyworld, Seaworld,
ballgames, and trips around the country. He was born and stuck in Arkansas for
most of his young life picking cotton with his 8 brothers and sisisters, so when he
got almost old enough he lied about his age and joined the Navy a year early and
literally got the hell out of Dodge to go see the world.
        I always respected him for that very much!
        I have and older brother and older sister, so I was the “baby”. My sister
was 4 years older than me, but we got along pretty well from what I remember,
she was always more of the babysitter figure to/for me and my brother. My
brother is only 16 months older than me , but he is very intelligent, but was
definitely a real troublemaker, and he liked to fight and torment me. But if anyone
would ever mess with me, he would always beat them up. His motto was “Nobody
gets to beat up my brother except for ME!” But when we went anywhere I was
always right ther with him like his little cohort or sidekick. Even though he
tormented me, I always looked up to him and respected him for the ways he dealt
with things and his thoughts on life…even at such a young age!

         I was a pretty mellow and happy go lucky kid, but had some reading and
writing and math comprehension problems in school. I was more in my little
artistic imaginary world. I loved comics, cartoons, and going to the movies and
stuff like that. As a child I was also a good athlete early on and very artistic as
long as I can remember. I was always doodleing in school. I wasn‟t really a brat
or a handful like my brother and sister were. I was always more shy and mellow
and go with the flow.
         My weaknesses as a child usually stemmed from my brother. He was like
the little gang leader and always into some sort of mischief. But I was always right
there with him. I was always a little slow and school seememd to come really easy
to my brother, so I always seememd to look up to him.

        Overall a feel like I had a great upbringing and my parents instilled some
basic virtues that stuck with me throughout life.
        Respect Mom and Dad.
        Do my best at whatever was at hand.
        And most importantly being an honest person. Because getting caught in a
lie was way worse than being honest and fessing up to a mistake.
        Dad taught me that if I wanted to be a good person early on that I should
know how to spot a liar or someone who was dishonest. And said that I didn‟t
want to turn into one of them. He said honest people didn‟t lie or cheat or steal.
My dad grew up hardlivin on a farm in Arkansas with 8 other siblings, and they
were very poor and mostly picked cotton for a living. But he said I would make it
if I worked hard and gained the respect of others. That statement never really
dawned on me till later in life, but I‟m glad it did , because my father is a good
man and well respected in our community. And I am very proud of him for that.
        My dad was a hard worker, and I remember him coming home and having
3-4 beers after work, but would rarely hit the hard stuff. And my Mom was a
VERY occasional drinker and would maybe have 2 small cocktails at the most or
nothing at all. And neither parents did any drugs to my knowledge at all. Mom
barely drank, and Dad drank mostly beer moderately after work with an
occasional cocktail here and there, but it never seemed to be a problem.
        I really didn‟t think about it much because I was pretty young and didn‟t
really know anything of it. And I really didn‟t know what drugs were, because
they were never really users.
        Alcohol and Drugs wernt a part of my life when I was a young kid. It just
wasn‟t part of my thought process. I was to young to understand or comprehend
what drugs or alcohol even were. Fuck, I was like 5 years old! Mommy didn‟t
smoke crack and Dad sure wasn‟t any kind of junkie. So fuck (this question was
addressed to me at my treatment center) and I was like…what the fuck is you
getting at? Were my parent‟s druggies and Alcoholics? I was way too young to
even thing about that shit….

       The “treatment center” seemed to love to delve into your personal background
and childhood (And a lot of the shit I cant even remember…)

         In Elementary School I learned how to be away from my Mom, and I
unknowingly learned that I had an artistic part of me and that I like to draw,
paint sculpt, and build things like pop sickle houses and shit. I was pretty shy in
elementary school but I started getting used to the other kids and started to come
out of my little imaginary world. I used the things my Dad had told me, so I didn‟t
lie, I respected other kids stuff, I asked before taking anything, and tried to be
honest and polite to others.
         And I sure loved “nap time”.

       (During living in Florida it seemed to be always hot, but during nap-time I
was always the kid closest to that 5.00$ Box fan from K-Mart they had in every
room…sleeping away like a baby till I had to get up and resume Elementary
activates for the rest of the day until the next wonderful nap in front of that 5.00$
Kmart Box fan…. man I loved that thing.)

       From Rehab: What did you learn about yourself in elementary school that
were different than what your parents taught yourself?

       That I was ARTISTIC!

       (This shit gets kind of monotonous, but these are mostly questions they
have you fill out on “in-take” to the fucking rehab program, like some of the
stupid shit below) So bear with me!

                                   The Middle Years
        I remember getting drunk for my first time while my parents were in
Spain, I think, and it was New Years Eve, and my sister made my brother and
me a few Screwdrivers. They tasted really good so we had a few more and my
sister and her friends laughed at how cute we were all drunk. For me this was
probably the 6th grade and I was so wasted and felt great …until the next
morning. My first hangover…. WOW that sucked…I didn‟t drink again until
about 8th grade. I was mostly into soccer and baseball at that age and really
didn‟t think much about drinking. I got my first surfboard for my 10th birthday
by my babysitter, and that really changed my life. She was so cool and always
gave me surf mages to read and look at…I just wish I could remember her name
so I could thank her today for changing my life.

          Chapter 3: High School 101, Intro to Alcohol and Pot
                        and the Punk Rock Era
        Girls and puberty were kicking in strong in 8th and 9th grade ( you know,
those times when you would just get a boner for no reason?) You know stuff like
that…and zits really sucked…but that was high school right? Me and my friends
were really getting into surfing and started getting pretty good, but one of my
friends almost quit surfing because everytime he would take his wetsuit off, he
would lose some pubic hairs, and it really freaked him out. He thought he was
gonna lose all his pubes just from surfing, so he almost quit, because at that age
pubes were a big thing for us youngsters to be loosin! It was pretty damn funny

        Drugs didn‟t really come into the game until 9th or 10th grade. I was getting
really good at surfing, and was the only kid in my town, or almost literally the
Gulf Coast that got sponsored by a few surfing companies. It was great! I was
sponsored by Gotcha, Rip Curl wetsuits, and Islander Surfboards…then I nailed a
deal with Town and Country Surfboards from Hawaii.

        All along I was still playing baseball as a pitcher and 1st baseman, but was
really good at soccer and made the all-star team almost every year since learning
to play in Korea when I was in about 4th grade. But in 9th grade soccer tryouts,
our coach who really hated surfers gave me an ultimatum one day at practice..he
was like “ you wanna play soccer or surf?” That was it for me…I walked
right off that field.

        About 2 months later I got some bad news. My left femur had really been
hurting on and off, but I shook it off as growing pains, until one day I just couldn‟t
bear it anymore and my parents awoke to me screaming in agony. So the next day
they took me to the hospital, took a few X-Rays of my femur and immediately put
me in a wheelchair and said don‟t move. Turns out that I had a bone tumor
growing inside my femur and was eating the marrow and bone from the inside
out. So I was pretty fucked. They had to reconstruct my femur and atttactch and
18” Titanium plate along my leg and screw 18 1/ ½ inch screws through my bone
to keep it all together…

        So in a quick smack in the face, my professional driven surfing carreer was
over for at least 3-4 years until everything healed and I could do normal activities
again LIKE SURFING! The funny thing was that I was pissed and took up
Bodybording because my Doc said it shouldn‟t stress my femur out too much, and
I went on to win the Gulf Coast Championships and got invited to Cocoa Beach
for the East Coast Champtionships…..

        2-11-07: I was in a pretty good mood today, got to sleep in and didn’t really
have a whole lot on my mind to do. I went to the beach as part of my therapy and
rebuilt and created a few more rock schulptures. It is my release, just me and the
beach and some rubble stones from Hurricane Ivan that I have been making into
sculptures with. And the beach community seems to be taking to them nicely. I get a
lot of nice comments from them, and people are saying that they are adding art to the
beach from the reminders of Ivan. It makes me feel good.

       I am having a real hard time dealing with the parents and their constant,
“Are you going to an AA meeting tonight?” “When is your next AA meeting?” “You
know to get a new liver all of the hospitals want to see AA meetings or some kind of
“other” therapy listed to make your chances look better if they accept you!”

        First of all, I already completed the 30 day rehab hell that was required by the
“hospitals”, and Second I FUCKING HATE AA MEETINGS!! I don’t believe in
them or what they preach. So last week I took it upon myself to join an out=patient
program for substance abuse, coping, anxiety, stresses, urges, etc.
        I will be starting that program tomarrow. But after dinner the topic came up
AGAIN, “When is your next AA meeting? The hospitals wont accept you if you are
not going to AA meetings!” I was SOOO pissed and said, “SO me going to a 5 day a
week outpatient program for substance abuse isn’t gonna be good enough for the
hospitals to give me a new liver, EVEN after a 30 day in-patient treatment program?”
Then FUCK them, I will die before any of the fucks make up their minds…I just
don’t care anymore…my quality of life sucks really bad and I don’t care about living
this so-called life anymore.

        The only good thing I was looking forward to was sending off the love of my
lifes Valentine present in the mail tomorrow. I am very proud of it because it is an
original picture of the two of us at the beach, and I put my heart and soul into it,
which I don’t have much of anymore.

        Suicide has really been creeping on my mind lately and it is really hard to not
just DO-IT. But I am leaving to go to California to see my girlfriend on March 22
and to surf in a benefit surf contest up in Ventura AND I am 1 of the honorary
beneficiaries out of 3 people because of my liver situation. So I will get to spend some
quality time with my girlfriend and also a bunch of great supportive friends…and the
whole trip and hotel room is already paid for by said great friends that made it
happen! So the S-word will have to wait.
        I am really vehemently mad at my back stabbing Counselor up in
Thoumasville wher I went to 30-day rehab hell! I knew he was a backstabbing snake,
but I tried to put my fake suit on just to get through the program…because I
REALLY need a liver transplant. There was a bunch of shady shit that went there
that I will get to later..maybe, but for now..he really crossed my line and lit my short
fuse. 2 days after I graduated one of the other cool counselors named Rhonda asked
him how I had done, and did he give me a good report? These were his exact
words,”Oh that son of a bitch was an asshole and pissed me off and I think HE

        So pretty much after I get back from California, I am going to drive there to
rehab, tell the night person not to come in, and I am going to shoot him in the head
many times and then burn the whole fucking place down! THAT’S how much I don’t
give a fuck anymore. And I wont go to jail so I guess I will have to save a few of those
bullets for myself.

       So I guess I should probably try to finish this book sooner than later!

       Anyway, back to high school. I was a bit shy at first in High School
because we had just moved there from Va Beach, Virginia. But I started making
friends quickly, but really school wasn‟t coming as easy to me as my straight A
brother who seem to barely even have to try.

      “So I just sat in that shed a lot looking at the walls, because there wasn’t
much else to do..just thinking about things” Billy Bob Thornton, Sling Blade

        But Mom and Dad always just said, “Do your best and try and give it an
honst effort. Don‟t worry about makings A‟s like your brother. Learning and
comprhention were a little rough for me. But Daddy always said he knew I was
the sharpest tool in the shed, but that I was good at other things like art and

        In Junior High I think I tried pot fotr the first time, but then was to
paranoid that my dad would catch me, so I didn‟t drink or smoke any more pot
till about 9th grade. I was so into school, sports, and surfing that drugs and
drinking were not too involved in my schedule. And when I did start “using” it
was only a few times out of curiousity or peer-pressure. And “Using” sounds like
a daily thing that we needed. We were young and experimenting and could take
it or leave it! And I remember being so paranoid that dad would find out, so I
guess the benefits of not using were promoting abstinence and I didn‟t even
know it! Haha.
      I was starting to become pretty popular in the 9th and 10th grade, and the
puberty and good looks were kickin in and I was accepted by a lot of higher up
classmates. Partyly due to my brother‟s popularity, smarts, and likeableness.

       Zits sucked and unreasonable Boners in class or at lunch, or in the
hallway were real fun. Half the guys were walking around with their books in
front of their crotches. By 10th and 11th grade I learned how to manage the

        My parents were always pretty cool and never overbearing…especially
Dad who was in the Navy, cause you would have thought he „d be a real hardass,
but they always just taught us to do our best, and study hard,and that was
mainly all they asked of us. Schoool was easy for Chris , that bastard, and Susan
was about 4 grades ahead of me, so was in college most of my High Schol
years….oe WAS she? It seememed like everyday me and my brother would get
home from school, she would be with a few of her hot pot head friends rolling
joints and saying “Arnt they gonna be lady-killers?” Wanna hit?”

        Drugs and Alcohol were never usually in the equation as a child, but in
High Schoolis when we really started partying and experimenting with different
things. But as long as we didn‟t overdo it, the parents were pretty cool about it.
Alcohol at least.

        I was in a punk rock band called The No Class Surfers and we practiced
in my garage after the parents would go to work. We would skip class and
practice all day. My dad always had a case of Busch beer in the fridge i9n the
garage, and we would drink the whole thing while practicing. But then after
practice, a few hours before mom and dad would get home, we would pull our
allowance and go have our Bass player, Bob Noxious, go buy another case to
replace the one we didn‟t drink. He wasn‟t a real good bass player then, but was
22 so he could go buy the beer. He got real good later on and started a band
called Blount in Pensacola and eventually moved to LA where they did pretty
well in the punk rock scene…I still listen to there CD‟s today!

       We mostly just drank and smoked a little pot when it was around, but
then one of my brothers friends introduced me to cocaine in about the 11th
grade, and MAN what a rush…at first! Catching a buzz and partying with
friends started out as more of a social thing to get loose at parties and just to
have a god time. No-one ever thought of the consequences till a few of our
friends died in car wrecks and shit like that…but to be honest EVERYONE still
kept partying. It didn‟t really make me stop from doing anything I did. I did
tend to use pot and alcohol more often after my extensive leg/femur operation.
Because I was bummed that I couldn‟t surf or skate with all my friends
anymore, so I just had to watch. But my brother was into photography at the
time se he lent me one of his cmerera‟s and I saved up for a 200mm lens and
started tking surf picstures.
        During high school, parties were the social scene on the weekends and I
was getting pretty popular by the 11th and 12th grade and had a lot of different
girlfriends, and had fun with experimenting with sex, drinking ,pot, coke,
whatever. I was really into music back then too, and was always going to punk
rock shows and some 80‟s bullshit shows too, until one of my brothers friends
Billy Davidson turned me onto Metallica, “Kill‟em All, and it was all over after
then…Ride the Lightning, and Master of Puppets were the Metal albums of the
century for all I was concerned. Don‟t get me wrong…I was still punk rock, but
now had a solid metal grounding also!

       My brother‟s friend told me, “If you think you like Punk and don‟t
LOVE this then you‟re a pussy. I loved it though, Metallica changed my life until
they started becoming pussies themselves…I mean PLEASE, “Load”and Re-
Load were JUST that…a load of crap. That is when the decline of Metallica
started, then got worse with St. Anger…but this book isn‟t about that.

        But of all things, hangovers wernt fun, and I did a lot of stupid things
that I should have been arrested for, or gotten many DUI‟s but didn‟t., cause we
were stupid growing up high school kids, and all the cops knew we partied, and
it was a small town, so when you fucked up EVERYBODY and their parents
knew about it. But high school was a great lerning experience and I really don‟t
regret a thing.

        Side note: The whole family is sitting down to eat dinner after we watched
M.A.S.H. ( we grew up on that show) andDad steps out for a minute, we thought to
use the bathroom , and comes back with an ounce of weed split up into 4 quarter
bags, and drops it on the table…all our mouths drop to the floor (Susan, Chris and
Me) thinking “Oohh shit is that mine?” And Dad says to Mom, “Look Doris, look
what I found in one of Chris’s drawers…all this Marijuana 9 now heres the funny
part, my Mom is so nieve , like June Cleaver) that she looks at it all puzzled, then
looks at it again and says innocently, “ Wow, I always thout that Pot was that little
white powdery stuff!” We almost all fell out of our chairs inclusing Dad, who was
trying to be serious and make a point, but just couldn’t control his laughter along
with the rest of us except for Mom who was dead serious and still confused…after
we contained ourselves, my Dad said all sternly, “Chris, we will talk about this
later!”, still not believing my Mom didn’t even know what Pot was…..I don’t think
Chris got to go on senior trip to the Bahamas that year though….but man, that was
some funny shit!

        I pretty much cruised through 12th grade AND I had just had my second
operation to remove the metal plate from my femur, so I missed a lot of school,
but I really don‟t remember having to make up any of the work. I guess my
teachers felt sorry for what I was going through and let a lot of stuff slide. AND
my brother and sister had been in so much trouble prior to me that when I
fucked up, it wasn‟t so bad, because they had already done it. And since I
couldn‟t surf yet, I was still in my punk rock band raging and drinking and
partying with my best friends Scrotty our singer, Bob Noxious, Bass, and Glenno
who was the craziest groupie/friend we ever knew! This fucker would do

        Glenno moved from Hawaii with his family and moved to the bumfuck
town of Milton ( we called it Mildew), and was a really good, stylish surfer. Me
and Crazy Scrott met him in the middle of a hurricane while looking for a
bridge we could get over. We were gassing up my 73 Celica GT, when this dude
pulls up in this old ragtop, leaking 57 VW Bug, with a board in the front seat. He
saw our boards and was like, “Hey, how the fuck do you get to the beach from
here, I just moved here from Hawaii?” So we said, “Park it and jump in with us,
we are going to Perdido Key..we think the bridge is still open. So he say‟s
“Aight” and jumps in. We become instant friends and he ripped that day! But
to break him in, me and Scrott were like, “Hey, got grab a case of Busch so we
can celebrate!” We were thinking, no way is he gonna pull this off at the Winn
Dixie, but sure enough, 5 minutes later he comes struttin out with a case of beer!
We were like NoWay, “How did you do that ( we were like 16 ) , and Glenno says
something like “Its what Glenn-otis does…I pull shit off! Insta friends!

         Side note: A girl we knew from High School, Kelly Phelan, moved to Hawaii
that year and met Glenno, and he said he had to move to Fl, and she asked where,
and when he told her (even though he was moving to Mildew ), she said , “Wow, I
bet you will meetthese 2 guys named Nailehead and Scrott, they are in a Punk Rock
band called the No Class Surfers, and are really cool guys…” Me and Scrott were
the fist people he met in FL while chasing down hurricane surf! Trippy? Or
Serendipity? That has always freaked me out how things work like that sometimes!

        It was the wildest thing Glenno‟s family shipped over about 20 different
VW‟s that they had collected through the years. All kinds of V-Dubs, from old
Beetle classics, Fastbacks, 21 Window busses, Things, 67‟s, 57‟s, all kinds of cool
shit..and most of them worked, but if one didn‟t start in the morning, his mom
Ginny would pull a starter or generator from another one and be on her way!
Glenno drove the 56 Ragtop I think it was…man that thing was awesome!

                     4: The 7 Year Binge in California
                  Sex, Drugs, Surfing, Punk Rock and Roll

        After graduating high school in 86, I went to a year of Junior College at
PJC in Pensacola, mostly to give my leg/femur time to heal before I shot out to
San Diego the next year. I took painting and graphic design classes and got some
of my “required” classes out of the way like College Algebra ( dee-de-dee ), but
at least my boy Scott was with me for that! But we didn‟t get much out of
Algebra because we would do bong hits and slam 3 beers apiece while we went
over the 3 mile bridge before school ( that was our thing, like a challenge…you
done yet? Yep..and off we went.
       I did do good in the Art program there, and the instructors said I might
be able to make a career at it. At that time, I was like cool, but whatever…I just
wanted to get to California.

        When the time finally came to go, I was pretty much all packed to the hilt
in my badd-ass 78 Mazda RX7 ( it was looking pretty damn good for that year )
and leaving the next day, when my friend Paul Barrett calls me up and says him
and his dad had a bad fight about college and asked me if I had room for him to
come also. I said, not really, but fuck it! So we both left the next day, Mom
crying, and Pauls dad ready to kill him, but we split anyway! I had planned this
for too long to turn back now. So We both left with a gas card and about
1800.00$ bucks between us, with not a clue what we were gonna do, we just
went! We didn‟t really have money to waste on Hotels , so we pretty much drove
that whole way switching off sleeping until Paul almost killed us when he fell
asleep and hit the gravel, did a 180 on a two laner and a Mack truck was coming
right at us! Good thing we still had enough speed and momentum to get us to the
other shoulder or we would have been history in the middle of Texas. I drove
the rest of the way. After that, we hit the California border and it was ON! We
found an old friend that we went to high school with that moved out there in
about 10th grade, and he was living with his girlfriend and her parents who
graciously took us in for about a week, then co-signed an apartment agreement ,
a small 2 beroom that 3 of us shared, but it was heaven after that!

        We lived in Carlsbad in a cool town about 2 miles from the beach and we
surfed Oceanside harbor almost every morning. It was the best most consistent
waves we had surfed all our lives. THIS is why we moved out here. We both took
a year off to work and get residency and then Jr. College was dirt cheap, so I
started taking classes and homing in on my Niche of what I wanted to major in..I
knew it was Art, but I didn‟t know what yet. I took Graphic Desighn, Type
Layout, Screenprinting, Commmercial Design….but THEN computer art was
starting to get big, and I loved movies and animation, so I sooon knew I wanted
to be a Computer Animator.

       Inbetween there were lots of surfing, partying, and drugs involved. That‟s
when we were introduced by one of our apartment friends to Crystal Meth. It
was a blast at first, but then started to become a big problem. We would do it
before surfing, before work, at parties, at home, wherever.

       Side note: The guy who introduced it to us Billy-Boy. He had a room mate
that would just stay home all day like an office and JUST sell 20$ bags of cheap
seedy Mexican shit, and made a bundle. It was kinda funny, he was a really nice
guy but when when it came to cutting you a break, he would be like “You know the
“program” 20 a piece, no breaks, that’s it! He made a fortune and never got
busted…I don’t even think to this day…same program.Oh yeah, he would give you
1 bong hit to try it out, and then be…how many you want?

       Lets do some math: He got quarter pounds for prob about 120 $
       4 oz. to a QP= 30$ oz. and 8 8ths ( 20$ bags )
       So: So he made 640$selling 20 bags-120$he put in, so he made a profit of
520$ out of 120$ (not bad)….I never thought of it this way until just now!
       And he wouldn’t flinch…a 20 was a 20 no matter how you broke it down.
That’s some pretty funny shit, and shrewd.

     “Watchu want essay?” Alll I got are twenny-twen-twens, And you know this
MAN!” Chris Tucker “Friday”

        We grew up a lot, and also experienced and did A LOT of shit in
California. We had many different crazy friends. Glenno and Scott had both
moved out there. My young buddy who was an aspiring pro, Greg R. moved out
there, and we just surfed, skated ramps, snowboarded and tried to pay the bills
for the bills but also the drinking and drugging. It was actually a blast. We all
worked and partied and had fun…AND actually went to a little college here and
there. But this stage of California was really about growing into who we were
and were living our California Dream! We had some crazy girlfriends, and even
crazier friends! I guess it took us awhile to get “assimilated” into the So-Cal
culture, but once we proved we could surf, skate, and party like the rest of em,
we were in, accepted as being Florida-boys. When I would do a bottom turn on
an overheadwave, ad then gouge the hell out of the top….didn‟t matter where
you were from…RESPECT!

        Side note: We used to have a things for Fosters “Oil Cans” back in the day
when they were still making them out of the thick aluminum. We would call them
our “Foster Children” ( Glenno’s idea) and everytime we would finish one, we
would sign its Foster Papers and when it was adopted….then chugged. We had a
wall of Fosters cans ( all signed) in our Garfield, Oceanside home of about 500
cans. We thought it was pretty cool back then, but now it doesn’t seem so amusing.

       When we moved to a cool party house in Carlsbad, we were raging
partiers! We pretty much had the YMCA for partiers. We had a pool table in
the garage, a fooze-ball table, and ping-pong table, and 2 dart boards.

       So after getting off work…you know where most of the YMCA went…to
party at my house. I would disappear a lot and do some meth usually then do
some art work. I really did do some fucked up expressive artwork during those
years. My friends all thought I was nuts, but my art was pretty cool.

        We lived in that house for about 2 years before I had had it with
roommates, bills, the parties, drugs, and just going nowhwere in life. And I
really knew I wanted to get a job in the art field. A friend of mine was going to
this school in Florida, and said that I should really apply. So I did, and I luckily
got accepted into the Computer Animation Program there…and WOW, what a
change I needed from California. I moved there with my girlfriend, Shelly who I
had been dating on and off for about 4 years in San Diego.

       “Things didn’t quite work out much, and that’s about all I have to say about
that!” Forrest Gump

      She was a great girl though, but we just didn‟t seem to work out like peas
and carrots.

                     5: 5 Year Art School Test of Saninty
                           Years of the Silverback
        It was hard and overwhelming and it took everything I had to do well in
“REAL” college, Ringling Schol of Art and Design. I went to a very well
ackknwoled and accepted art school. It was probably rated 5th in the U.S. It was
very hard and very serious, no bullshit. And it was a huge responsibility to keep
up with the course work. It was definitely a big challenge and change for me,
and if you missed class or fucked up…you were outta there.

       Again, my parents told me to work hard and do the best I could do, and
that was all they expected from me. Learn from your mistakes and get over it.

        Things I leaned from college were that I could “kinda” survive by myself
and being on my own really started teaching me about life and respect for
others. And I was coming into my “being” and learning about myself as an
artist. AND that I WAS and artist and I could be myself.

        Being away from home and having my own rental house was great in
College. Me and my buddies partied quite a bit, but it was mostly just alcohol
and pot then. No other heavier stuff.. I probably drank daily and smoked pot 3-4
times a week. I was a waiter and a bartender all through college, so that
probably caused me to drink more because it was accessible, and it just seemed
like everybody partied…..during and after work. College was so fuckin hard
that alcohol and pot seeemed to work for me as a relaxer and stress-reducer. The
stress of school and the responsibility that came with it was very hard. But I
enjoyed the buzz and the high that came with it, and it didn‟t seem to be a

       I had so many different jobs during my college days, from delivering
pizza, waiting tables, bartending, you name it! I was usually pretty straight
during the pizza jobs, but during the waiting and bartending jobs, alcohol was
always around, and most of the employees partied during and after work. It was
kind of our social scene. We would get off work and go meet at one of our local‟s
bars. It helped seem to ease the tension of the job and make it more fun and
bearable. That‟s where the term “Silverback” came from. I was about 28 and
about 230 lbs and my hair was turning grey from the tension from
school…hence, “The Silverback”.

         Drinking seemed to ease the stress and tension of school and just the job
itself. (I pretty much put myself through college, working almost full time AND
having a grueling school class schedule.) Most of my art classes were 3 hours
each. So after attending 3-4 classes a day, I usually enjoyed myself a few
cocktails and bong hits after school and or work. I partied at most of my jobs
during college, but it was tended to be accepted, unless you got way out of
control. If you could hold your shit…do it…and many did. But I never lost a job
because of drinking. Nice excuse huh?

                        6: A short stint back to P‟Cola

       After graduating Ringling School of Art and Design, in Sarasota FL, in
May of 1998, I spent about half the summer back in Pensacola waiting tables
and bartending at cool place called Capt Fun‟s. I was trying to save money to get
back out to San Diego and was sending out demo-reels and resumes to every
company in California. After getting about 100 of the cordial business reply
letters…you know the ones.. I had had enough!

        “Mr. Naile, we appreciate your interest in our company, but at this time, we
have no positions that fit our needs or your expertise. We will be happy to keep your
resume and demo-reel on file, and if some position becomes available with your
qualifications, we will be sure to get into touch with you as soon as possible.
        Thank you for your interest in our company, and we wish you the best of
luck in your job search.

       Human Resources Asshole!

       After TOO many responses like those, I decided to just go ahead and
make the move back out to San Diego, so I would at least be closer to the
“action” and could start surfing again.

              7: I‟m goin back to Cali, cali…yep I Know so
       So I went back to San Diego after Art School and unintentionally hooked
up with a friend I had only met a few times in Sarasota. We both found out that
we were moving to San Diego at the same time, so we found a small condo in
Leaucadia. I was surfing, but I was miserable though, because I was still
working bar and waiter jobs, then couldn‟t deal with that and got another pizza
job. I was dating a great girl named Tracy, but things were really just starting to
fall apart, because I was so depressed and was stating to feel hopeless.

       I had a BFA Degree in Computer Animation from a very well respected
school, but I just still couldn‟t seem to find a job. I was starting to do a lot of
drugs, and felt I was falling deeper into a hole, and my relationship was
suffering because of it. I was smoking a lot of pot, drinking almost a 1/5 a day,
and dabbling into Meth, Crack, and Cocaine. I was really depressed and fucked
up at the time…and didn‟t really give much of a hell about anything anymore.

       But then, one day everything changed!

                   8: Meeting Serendipity and the Dream Job

        While delivering pizza on any other given miserable day…I met HER,
“serendipity”. I delivered a pizza to a normal household, but the husband who
answered the door was wearing a “Sony 989 Sports” t-shirt. And I was like wow,
so you work at Sony? And he said, “How‟d you know?” and I said….”Ummmm
your shirt!” Bad he was like ohh yeah right…hahaha” So I tell him that I had
applied there a few times and couldn‟t even get in the door. He said, yeah, it‟s
really hard to get in there. He asked me what kind of position I was looking for,
and I said I had a BFA in Computer Animation! ( Now get this, this is where
serendipity happened ) He was like, “Huh, that‟s interesting because I think my
wife‟s company is looking for some artistes and animators! So he shouts up the
stairs, “Honey? Isn‟t your company looking to hire right now? And she says
yeah, why? And the husbands says, “Well the pizza guy‟s gotta degree, and
looking for a job. (This was my chance of a lifetime, so I said fuckit it and
stepped in the door and said “How about an interview. She asked if I had a
demo-reel, cover letter. I said yes! She said come on in on Weds…..she hired me
on the spot! And that‟s how I got my dream jog making video-games for Sony.

        Getting my real job with Sony as a Computer Animator was a great job
that I loved and took very seriously. I didn‟t drink at work and was very happy
with my job and the experience I was gaining from such a high tech job. And it
was fun!.

        I was there almost 6 years, and was making good money, but then Sony
decided to down-size a few divisions and fired my whole company…all fuckin 66
of us. That‟s when things started going down hill with finances, my relationship,
my drinking, and my health.. I was diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the liver in May
2006. Alida was great and did as much as she could, but I couldn‟t find another
job, was out of money, and my health was deteriorating quickly. So we made the
decision that is was best that I moved home to seek medical help!

                               9: A Very Bad Day
                                   May, 2006
That day had to be one of the worst days of my life! I was devastated, but also in
denial too! The Doctors had warned me that I needed to cut down on my
drinking, and I just didn‟t heed there warning. I thought Cirrhosis was something
that old 70 year old drunks got. Not a seemingly healthy 38 year old. I was just in
shock and denial, ESPECIALLY after the Doctors told me how bad my condition
actually was: 4th Stage/End Stage Liver Cirrhosis.. With out a liver transplant,
they said I could be dead within 1-2 years.

I have a great set of friends and a great support system from my girlfriend and
family. But many of my friends are in California or scattered all over the U.S., It
has been hard to keep positive with my condition, when I feel VERY alone and
stranded her in Pensacola. My physical activity is limited, I cant work and have
been considered disabled, and going through multiple bullshit with Hospitals and
insurance…. its just really hard to deal with this and stay positive.

My Hepatic Encephelopothy ( which is a build up of ammonia and toxins in your
brain, and can make you have depressive, anxiety mood disorder, among other
things…doesn‟t help anything right now either.)

 The “silent killer” cirrhosis, attacks your whole body without you even knowing it
for years sometimes. Your thinking abilities start to decrease and slow down, your
muscles start to waste away and get weak, your appetite goes, and just your
normal will of functioning starts to deplete and you just don‟t care as much about
the things you once loved so dearly.

UNLESS you have been through this shit, people cannot possibly even know what
it feels like or what your body goes through with Cirrhosis. I have so many people
tell me daily that I am strong and be positive, but THEY are not living the hell
that I am right now. I can feel my body slowly dying and deteriorating to the
disease, and without a new liver, there is not a lot I can do to stop it. I can try and
exercise to a limit, I can try and eat the best I can, and I can take all 10 of my
medications daily, but all of that isn‟t going to make me susceptible for some
fuckin Hospitals Liver List. Its all a period of waiting. We shall see how much I
can wait. What I cant do is make my beautiful girlfriend wait for me through all
this shit in California, when my future is totally up in the air, if I can even get on a
list, and if I will even have time to wait for a new liver before I expire.

So she is seeing someone else. She still says I am the love of her life, but
realistically she can‟t wait for me, and I don‟t blame her for that! I cant expect her
to wait for me to get better, get a new job and move back out to California while
she wait for me ( although I have done the same….waited, unlike her) It hurts so
bad to know she is with and intimate with someone else, but what really piises me
off if that she wasn‟t going to tell me unless I asked. And that hurts soo bad. I miss
her greatly but I DO understand. I hope he treats her right, or I will Kill him.
I actually had a mad, impulsive epidode where I suspected that she was spending
the weekend with this guy in Mexico. I had suspected she had been seeing
someone, and I was very angry about a lot of things,INCLUDING RE-HAB and
my Counselor. I was just very angry and felt invalidated about some things that
had happened in Re-hab, and I fucking lost it!

I packed up my car with some essentials of not really planning on returning. 2 3
gallon tanks of gasoline, my Ipod, Credit Card with still 7,000 to use, some
pictures of my girlfriend (??) and also my new Bulgarian Makarov 9mm semi
automatic, and I drove all the way back to Thomasville Georgiia to re-hab, to kill
my Counselor Tom who said “I should be dead.” And to burn the whole place

I was in such a distraught mental mode that I am glad a just checked into a cheap
motel and got stoned as hell! I was serious as hell too though! I am so glad I
thought about what I was really about to do, and just didn‟t! I didn‟t blow my
head off that night either which had occurred to me!

This kind of gives you an idea of my mind-set, disease, hepatic encepholopathy,
and just pure depression and anxiety! This is what the basics of the rehab
program I was in were teaching!
Hope that helps…….

                     The impact of addiction on my intimate life?
        Earlier on, I might have been a bit more confident with women and sex
when not sober, but it wasn‟t always a factor. I mean gimme a break, sometimes
I was a “2 pump chump” and on other occasions “I was THE MAN! Baby”
        But any guy that has ever told you he you he was always fly with the
ladies, than he‟s lying or a virgin.

        A lot of the time, when I had a serious girlfriend, I would use alcohol as
an excuse for not wanting to talk about serious relationship descisions, like
marriage and kids. I would use partying as an excuse to NOT grow up yet.
        But now I have found my love, and am ready for those things if she will
still have me after all this, or live long enough to actually make the commitment!
        I Love You Alida! You are my world!

                       10: The start of the decline..well

       My relationship with Alida didn‟t seem to get seriously impacted until I
was diagnosed with Cirrhosis. I mean, we had had our ups and downs and
break-ups, but this news just devastated me and our relationship. I was out of
my mind in disbelief that a person of my age coud actually get this life
threatening illness at 38 years old! My girlfriend partied, my friends all partied,
but we were all active too with surfing, snowboarding, music, art, life, and just
being stoked to be living in Southern California. I just couldn‟t fuckin believe
it…especially when my doctor told me I had Stage-4 End Stage Cirrhosis!
(Pretty much the worst stage of all) And that I might only have a year to live!
       So my life and my relationship, and job situation changed dramatically
very quickly. Now I live at home with my parents, who are very caring and
taking care of me the best they can. I am lucky to have them, they cant imagine
to understand everything that is going on with me, but they are being pretty
supportive and cool.

                 This is a really stupid question from my “book”!

What did alcohol or drugs allow you to do or be with your friends that you could not
do or be sober?
       Umm, it was fun and were of age then and college, and parties and girls!
Give me a brake it was the thing to todo, experimenting with drugs, sex, art,
guitar! Geees…..
        We had a great time! Me and most of my friends were pretty hard
working professsionsals by now and could finally enjoy our lifestyle. I knew a
lot of bands and we were always booking bands for our huge birthday paties or
other parties, and we just had a crew of friends that all had a good time. And
most of my friends and aquaintences had good professional jobs, and we enjoyed

        One time at one of my huge B-day bashes (2 bands, kegs, NHD famous
hunch punch, and soon to be famous pot-brownies. Everybody was SOO ready
for the brownies to be done that I cut them up and said “just have 1 sqaure at
first” and come see me in an hour….everyone had 2-3 and were so fucked up in
an hour that they thought I‟d put LSD in the brownies…..i just said “I told you
they were good! Watch out”! I was the devil to some people for a few days!

       But THAT‟S how much fun we had partying.
       Hell, I quit Prozac because of Mushrooms, and laughing and being with
good friends one night!. We laughed so hard ( me, Hamster, Jeremy, Jake,
Antonio, Hotta, and Jules.) I had bruises on my arms from Antonio grabbing me
so hard and laughing. Then Hamster jumped up and started chasing a truck
that he had 10 years ago! What a great night! The next morning I threw away
my Prozac and decided to be happy “myself”

        Getting my job at Sony as an Animator really changed my life, but after
getting fired, my self esteem seemed to plummet. The drinking and drugs were a
part of many of our activities in many ways. We liked good foood, good
restaraunts, partys, rock shows, etc. We all enjoyed having good jobs and
started to enjoy some of the good life we couldn‟t afford before. I also had a fun
crazy bunch of friends . And it all seemed fun and normal. Then my life turned
into a dailey bottle of cheap vodka!

       It was so hard to cover up my pain physically and mentally, while putting
on my fake suit everyday, and feeling terrible that my loving girlfriend was
going to work everyday to pay the bills. I just couldn‟t handle it anymore and
my health was deteriorating fast.

      I HAD to move home to P‟cola , FL.
      If I had stayed I would have surely died out there in some way or

      My Dad said of course I could move home, and we would start to figure
out my health issues from there. He pretty much flew out to San Diego, loaded
all my shit into a rental truck, sent it on its way, then jumped in my car and was
on his way.

       I only had a few days with Alida after that. And those days were so hard
and emotional. I didn‟t want to leave, but I knew if I didn‟t I was a quick
deadman with out proper treatment.
       She was very supportive but it kills me what I put her through leaving the
way I did. She is the love of my life, and the best thing that has happened to me,
and If I fuck this up, well then “I” fucked this up.

        My parents always knew I could be an artist and a good athlete, and still
feel I could be if I make it through all of this. They knew I wasn‟t the straight A
type like my brother, but my brother did always give me some wisdom that
always stuck,” Don‟t ever talk shit or start a fight, but do your best to end it
quickly while the motherfucker is trying to tell you what a badd-ass he is. And I
have watched him do it on many occasions, with ill results for the other guy. I
was really proud of him for that! “Never start it, but do your damndest to finish
        My parents pretty much let me grow into my own person, making my
own descisions and letting me be me. With my Dad in the Navy, we were always
traveling the US and moving to different cities and I think that experience has
made me more rounded and helped me enjoy the beauty of race and color all
over the world. My parents always seemed to support me and kinda just let me
grow into my own skin. They never forced me to become someone I didn‟t want
to be. They where skeptical at first that I could make a living as an artist, but it
was a great job and am hoping to go back into a similar field, but not until I am
deemed healthy enough to work, and not be considered such a risk.

        Drugs made me better informed in my life, and I am glad I experienced
and experimented with them, and figured out which ones were “good” in my
book or bad. Pot and Alcohol always seemed to be my drugs of choice. They
made me feel like I could handle them responsibly and not adversely affect my
daily tasks of just living, working, friends, relationships. And I felt at the time
that I was personally in control. I had a great job, my car was paid off, I had my
own apartment with no roommates, a great girlfriend, and great friends in

         The things that I used to belive alcohol or drugs could help me cope from
were my daily everyday life, emotional stresses, having fun with friends. Real
life, being on my own, paying all my own bills, and finally feel I was doing in real
life. Taking trips across the world surfing and snowboarding, and seeing my life
in different ways, perspectives, cultures, races,and cultural ways and differences.

       I guess I am using this twice since it is such a hard issue to deal with, and
I am fucked up in the head now because of the disease and just being me and
who I am. It is hard to relate to people that just don‟t understand what I am
going though! They say, “ Just stay positive and strong, and you can make it
through this. I don‟t think ANY of them have done any research on “End Stage
Cirrhossis” and they really don‟t know what the fuck I am going through. They
are all “healthy” in many ways, but I am not, so do some fuckin research before
you give me advice on how I should feel or live! That shit really pisses me off,
because I know I am loved by many friends, but they don‟t know shit about the
disease, and even call me when they are all fucked up on booze, coke,or
whatever, and try to tell me that I am gonna make it!……that shit just doesn‟t
help! …Thanks “My Friends”.

                                  11: Mayo was fun!

       So after I get back to Pcola a get a new Doc who has fun sticking
camera‟s with directional appartatuses up my ass and down my throat. He
figures I have mild internal hemmoraging and that my esphophageal varices are
about to burst ( meaning drowning in my own blood) so he does a few espogeal
bandings to control the blood flow and they seem to work OK. But he also
recommends that I see a transplant center immediately to try and get my on the
“transplant list” ASAP.

         That‟s where Mayo Cliic of Jacksonville comes in. Through a few pulled
strings, I am set up with a barrage of internal and external tests….AND the first
day they took blood, they took 25 tubes! I had cat scans, MRI‟s, Nuclear bone
scanning, endoscopies, colonoscopys, you name it. And after 10 days they telll me
I really need a new liver ( duhhhh). But the first step is to get me into a 30
treatmet plan, and then upon completing that I had a great chance of getting in
the list. So I talk to some people at Mayo, and they recommend a place called
“New Opportunities”, a treatmet center that Mayo would be more inclined to

       That‟s another story!

       Side note: On a Sunday after a week of tests and appointments, I hooked up
with my buddy Noz, and he offered to pay for me/us to go skydiving! I really needed
a break, and hadn’t skydived in a looong time, so I was like “Hell Yeah!”
       So I met him about an hour away in Paltka,Fl and we took the dive! I
wasn’t even scared at all, I was so stoked! I went tandem, but the guy let me pull
the cord and navigate us to the ground. Noz jumped by himself, but went out of the
plane with us, IT WAS AWESOME! I really needed that!
                     12: Almost 2 Months of hell for nothing!
       So me and Mom got home from Mayo with plans of starting treatment
almost right away, to get it over with. But on about November 27th I fell off the
wagon only a few days before treatment. Which was pretty normal for people
going into rehab…one last binge. So whoops!

       New Opportunities is a treatment center based on the leanings and
teachings of Albert Ellis. He invented the SMART ( self motivational and
recovery training) also known as REBT ( Rational Emotive Behavioral Theory)
which were very unlike the practices of AA and NA, where you feel powerless
over your addiction and put it in God‟s hands to fix it. In this training we are all
taught that “ We are fallible , fucked up human beings, who make mistakes” But
those mistakes don‟t mean that we are bad people.

                                     11-29-06 (Weds)
                                Day 1: Trip to Thomasville

      We left P‟cola at about 9:ooam to drive to re-hab. I had only gotten about
3 hours of sleep, so I grabbed a blanket and pillow and slept in the back of the
Tahoe while the parents delivered me to jail. I threw on my Ipod headphones
and was lulled off to sleep with some “Slightly Stoopid.

        Side note: I woke up and had to pee reeaallly bad, and I was like “dad, can
you pull over quick?, I really need to pee?” ( I meant on the side of the road) but
dad pulled into a Burger King parking lot, but it was too late, I was already pissing
on mysef and just jumped out and pee’d in front of everybody in the BK lot while
they were enjoying their breakfast sandwiches. I couldn’t hold it anymore, and it
felt soooo good to pee. I never would have made it through the restaurant to the
bathroom, no way! So I peed all over the parking lot in my parents terror. Actually
I thought Dad thought it was a little humorous. He was like”Couldn’t you have
asked me to stop earlier?”…and I was like yeah, but I was totally passed out from
my nap.” Sorry!

        Fucking Aldactone and Lasix: One minute I’m fine and the other I have to
pee like a race horse.

       I changed in the back and we arrived at rehab around 12 or so…..

        When I got to new opportunities, the place was small, nice and clean, so
they could cover up the evil that ran the place. I checked in, then checked in all
my shit, like in jail. Then we went to my little room and everything was checked
like jail also. While my main therapist talked to my family and told them the
scoop. She told them to remove ALL alcohol from the house and to get rid of the
dogs…cause if they scratched me, I could get a scratch from them and get a
vermin infection that could fuck up my liver.

        Side note: Pensacola Beach02/?/07 I have so much anger and angst built up
by now that I really feel I can seriously fuck up or kill someone. I was at my
favoriteplace to play the other night “The Break” at Pensacola Beach, and this guy
and his girlfriend, obvious not local were taking forever to shoot their fucking
game of pool. So I grab a stick and roll it on the table to checked if it is straight and
the girl starts bitchin at me that “their not done yet!’ And I just say, sorry, I was
checking the stick. So the Navy/marine looking boyfriend comes over and says, “I
suggest you move and let us finish our game.” And I said “Well if you would quit
kissin on your girlfriend, maybe you would finish the game.” And he gets all in my
face and says, “Don’t make me take you outta here!!” And I said , “I know the
owners of this bar and we can all beat the shit of you out back!” So Finish your
fucking game and get out of here or that big 6’7” son of bitch will have a field day
before I get to you!”

       The prick left bichen, with his girlfriend bithen. And they were out!
       The girl HoneyBunnny that was playin at the table sais she thought I was
       gonna kill the guy!. I thought I was too! I was THAT fucking mad!

       My fuse has been getting shorter and shorter each day!.
       I bought a used Bulgarian Makarov 9mm Pistol, and have no fears of using
       it these days! That is scary! But it is where I am right now!

       Day 1 Cont: Mom was not very happy about the pet situation, and I;m
       sure Dad was not reall happy about getting rid of all the alcohol in the
       house. So after the paents left, the good doctor Chandler ( Hitlers Wife)
       extracted my whole history of drugs and alcohol, and everything
       inbetween, like my jobs, relationships, hobbies, goals, penis size…you
       name it. That was fun.!

       Then we had lunch!

       At around 8:pm after more Smart training classes, me and Allen and
       Tom ( hippie, freak, backstabbing counselor ) went to an NA meeting in
       downtown Kairo. Allen is the only other guy there with me now…just 2 of

       There were some funny quotes colorfully sharee at the NA meeting.
       (Let me see if I can remember a few!)

       (Big Black Guy): I finally said fuckit and started pulling the cottinout of
       my ears, and putting in my mouth so I could listen and shut the fuck up!”
     (Redneck White Guy ):”Shit man! Rehab damn sureisnt like it used to be
     where Momma would bring you ciggarrete and beer to my bed till I was
     “rehabbed”, shit man, this shit is all technological and shit now!”

                                       Day 2: Thurs
        Had some SMART training and watched a DR. Ellis film, which was
      cool, then I had to fill out a 130 answer questionire of how fucked up my
                                      life was………
     Rehab is “great”. Around 8:00 pm Tom took us off premesis to one of
     there SMART meetings/discussions…which was total Chaos, in which
     “uncle Jimmmy filled us in that he had gotten a DUI over the weekend
     and 3 days in jail . Jimmy is about 60 and had about 6 DUI‟s .

     He said he got pulled over for about 4 beers cuz he was crossin the line (
     and you know how those can get, if yer dragging a boat) so a State
     Tropper stopped him…and I guess he filed the test..

     He was in jail for 3 dyas ans had some funny stories about rock hard
     pancakes and cold butter, and no silverware to eat it with. And also said
     while trying to go to bed a big black guy offered him a pill that would
     help him sleep.
     (We all know what that means)
     He also said his wife is gonna he said he is pretty sure he is
     fucked. He‟s facing jailtime and a divorce.

     Then you have Boomhauer (From King of the Hill), he is a recovering
     addict, but also with a brain injury, stemmerin and utterin his words, but
     is I real nice guy, kept sayin “ Jimmmmy, mamamn, ya,ya,your going to
     the Big House thid time.!” You fucked up!

     Then you have Bob who is a really nice guy, but with a problem with
     painkillers. Bob has been charged with 96 felonies for every pill he took,
     and faces up to 500 years in prison! At lest he‟s got a good attitude about
     it. Bob‟s a nice guy!

     Side note” I love and Miss you so much Alida!”

     This sucks!

Side note: March1,2007, I went to seee me Doctor today, and since my little
Thomasville escape where is was going to murder the counselor and then burn
the place down, he found Marijuana and Alcohol elelvations in my system…so
now my 6 months of sobriety went down the drain and I have to start again on
Feb 7th.
I am soo stupid! My parents want to kill me, Alida probably wants to kill me and I
AND I have to make a choice or kill my seft!
What sucks is I don’t care anymore. I am going to have to start going to a
physchiatrist. And my doctor is checking on a drug called “Anabuse” where if I
drink I will become violently ill…but he is not sure my liver can handle it!
I’m having a real hard time with this.

                            Day 3; Friday 12-1-06
                            LACTULOSE SUCKS!
                                 Today sucked
Ispent half the day on my frretime SHITTING blood out my ass like a girl
would pee. Somethings not right,

AND my cabin mate Matt bailed out on mt today after just 7 days, and had
Daddy come pick him up. Now I am the only freakin patientherein this whole
fuckin place. Allen was pretty cool, but must be pretty spoiled if Daddy will
come bail him out of here and afford to wastee 14,00$$.

I am really just pissed, depressed, and emotional. And I am pissing blood out
my asss alont with having to take a regimen of 10 other pills aday, is really
starting to fuck me up. When in fact these pills are supposed to help me…I
don‟t even know what is up and dowm anymore.
Today just sucks..period..I feel like shit!

                                   Day 4 Sat:

Had too go to a DUI (Risk Management) all day from 8-4
1st break we were outside: Some homeless person and comes up to me and says,
“ Hey friend, I‟m a Katrina Victem, can you spare a buck?”
I say “ Wow, I‟m sorry, from the Hurricane?”
And he says, “ No, my wife Katrina just kicked me out!”
Man, I wanted to beat hs ass if that shit wasn‟t so funyy!

The DUI class was long, but informatative, but again the Lactulose was
making me beed like a pig eveytime I went to the bathroom. I spent almost
every break in the bathroom, just trying to get through class.

I shit 13 times bloody on Frisay, and about 12 on Saturday. So my body was
just worn out and getting ill.

So the good counselors let me sleep in and rest. ( They wernt sure what was
going on with me yet.)
I called Alida and left her a message saying I loved and missed her dearly and
apologizes for being an assshole, and that I wasn‟t feeling well, and was
stresses and hope she could understand.

                                  Day 5 Sunday:

Went to the 2nd part of the DUI class again from 8-4. What sucks is I am not
even here for a DUI but still have to go to the 30 hour class anyway, while I am
pissing blood out of my ass everytime I go to the bathroom.

We did learn a lot in conjunction with the SMART and REBT Therapy we
were already learning.

Later on that night we went off prmisis to an AA meeting, and it was one of the
most excruciating hours I have had to deal with. 12 Step is not for me! They
place too many of their problems in Gods hands which I think is a cop-out and
feel they are cheating themselves of “real” scientific therapy.

I came up with a new slogan for AADrones:
AA: Gods Doormats
AA: 12 Steps to Gods Doormat

I couldn‟t wait to get out of there!

We came home, and lights out at 11:pm

                                  Day6: Monday

I finally got ahold of Alida tonight on the goddamn jail phone! It was so great
to hear her voice. I Love Her soo much!

Today after breakfast we went over the 8 Major classes of drugs, their street
names, physical symptoms, look fors, and dangers! ( I passed this section with
flying colors!)

Population of the USA: 280 Million
140 Million use drugs or alcohol regularely
70 Million abuse drugs or alcohol
28 million are dependent or addicted

8 Major Classes of Drugs:

1: Alcohol: booze, beer liquor, wine
 (Dangers: addiction, accidents, overdose when mixed with other drugs or
 depressants, heart damge, Liver Cirrhosis )

 2: Cocaine: coke, rock, crack, blow, base
 ( Dangers: heart attack, addiction, lung damge, seizures, paranoia)

 3: Marijuana: pot, weed, chronic, mexi, bullrider, blueberries, Maui Wowie,
 tia, bubblegum, hahahahaha…and the list goes on!
 (Dangers: getting too stoned, impaired short term memory, feeling good…)

 4:Hallucinegens: acid, schrooms, peyote, X, mesculine, PCP..weeeeeeeeee

 5: Inhalilents: gasoline, aerosols, glue, paint, ether.
 Sounds like “Fear and Loathing in Las Veges……weeeeeee

 6: Narcotics: opium, herion, demoral, dilladuds, morphine, codien, percoset,

 7:Stimulents: speed, uppers, cranck, ice, bam, dexi‟s, caffien, nicotine, cocaine,
 crack, or meth.

 8: Depressants: sedatives, hypnotics, sleeping pills, barbiturate, tranqualizers,
 ludes, valium, Librium, alcohol, muscle relaxers…..

 side note: this chart or list is for the uninformed drug addict!

 Rebuilding a Dream by Doctor Kenneth Moses
 ( This was a nice little viedeo we watched the day before I almost bled to death,
 but we‟ll get back to that!)

         Greivous Loss: Learn how to deal with grievousness and anxiety!
         Grieving is part of growth
         Grieving: denial, anxiety, guilt, depression, anger

      You cant grow unless you grieve!
      Grieving is the process whereby an individual separates from a lost
dream from the future.

         The only thing we can lose in this life is a dream.

       Acceppting the legitimacy of denial so you can move on to anxiety so you
can start dealing with with it.

         FEEL the anxiety, then accecpt the event can be changed!
       Learn: Unconditional Self Acceptance: USA
       Learn: Unconditional Others Acceptance: UOA

       Now back to the fun stuff!

                                        Day 7: Tues

      Got up feeling a bit ill and weak, and irritated because of all the
Lactulose and all the shitting of blood!

       After class, where I supposedly went off on my fucked up counselor Tom
who likes to read you songs he‟s written and tell you about his days in the 60‟s,
and his childhood, over and over again. I told him, “ I don‟t feel welll, I am sick
of hearing yours songs and your stories, and would rather stick to the rehab
“learning” plan.” (That pissed him off, so I got a bad write up for that.)

        So after lunch I went to my room to lie down, and of course “piss blood”.
I bled a lot this time and was getting concerned, so I told Tom and Shirley (
another backstabbing counselor ) that I was shitting a lot of blood and felt I
needed to go to the hospital.

       So we went to the ER where I waited for two hours to see anyone, and
once I did, they took blood and realized I had lost almost half my blood and
could have died.!!!!!!
       The Docs said my Hemoglobin was dangerously low and that I needed
immediate transfusions. So I finally got sent up to a room around 12 or 1 ( we
had gotten there about 4pm ). And they immediately started pumping me with
Fresh Frozen Plazma ( FFP )
                                       Day 8 Night

        They started the transfusions, and each pint of blood or plazma, slowly
took 3 hours apiece to empty.. And I had to have 4 pints transfused that night.
So overall it took about 14 hours to get the transfusions. So I didn‟t sleep that
night at all, because every 15 minutes someone was coming in to take my blood
pressure and temp, and every hour someone was comin to take/check my blood
levels. So by about 2 in the afternoon, they said I would be released, as soon as
the last pint went in! GREAT!

       When I got out of the hospital, I was very tired and frustrated and sore (
from an IV and about 14 blood tests ) and nauseeus and had a headache, so I
just wanted to get out of there. I basically spent 26 awake in the hospital AND
missed a day and a half of rehab/jail. I felt like hell so they said I could rest and
wouldn‟t have to go to class or NA that night…( Oh, how fucking nice of them.!)
       The Doctors said if I didn‟t go to the hospital I could have bled to death!

        At the hospital I had 4 pints of blood, 4 units of FFP, A VitaminK booster
in the stomach, and IV, multiple blood drawings, a Flu shot, and a Pnumonia
shot….and TERRIBLE low sodium food ( because of my disease ) It was real
fun! It was nice to go back to my little dorm room and get a good nap in with my
fan and relax, and not have anybody fucking with me. I got up for a while and
watched “Born on the Forth of July. I met the other Amanda who seemed real
nice too, but didn‟t realize it was her last day…so never saw her again. She was
smart leaving. So I grabbed some herb chamomile tea, took my pill ( Ambien
CR) and went back to bed…I was still wiped out.

                                       Day 9: Thurs

       Today was an OK day, but my body still feel like shit. I am still soar from
the hospital, and just feel ill and havnt had an appetite. ( Still shitting blood )

       Mayo fucked up today. I hadn‟t called or told my Mom that I was in the
hospital cause I didn‟t want to freak her out, cause they probably would have
jumped in the car and come right up. But Tita from Mayo didn‟t know that I
didntwant my parents to know I was in the hospital and “slipped” and told my
Mom while they were talking about other Mayo stuff. Mom freaked, but by then
I was already out and back at re-hell!

        Went through a little of the book, took a break, shit blood, napped a little,
had my next class, then finished, shit blood, napped……all my freeetime is spent
shitting blood or napping. I am in pain, my body is in pain, and its really hard to
keep a positive attitude or outlook when I feel like I am slowly dying here in re-
hab! And If I keep bleeding they are going to have to put me back in the hospital
while I am TRYING to get through re-hab…this sucks!

        IF I don‟t get a positive report, Mayo will DEF not put me on the list, and
I will die. And even if I do get a good report, it still doesn‟t guarantee that I get
on the list. So I die. And if I DO get on the list, there is no guarantee that I would
live long enough to get a liver…and die!

      I know that doesn‟t sound positive or sound like a good attitude, BUT IT
IS REALITY I must face. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

                                      Day 10: Friday

      Had a bit of French Toast fot breakfast then classes till lunch. I still don‟t
have much of an appetite and my insides have been hurting. My organs just arnt
working right. I am in some sort of pain everyday it seems. I really need a new
liver ASAP or I feel I might not make it another 6 months. And I still have to
make it through 20 more days of re-hab, then just HOPE to get on the transplant
list….then wait for who knows how long just to get a liver.

       I am scared, but not really scared of dying, but just being able to make it
through the daily pains. My quality of life has deteriorated very quickly and I
don‟t know if I am going to be strong enough to pull this off!

        I am doing the best I can, but the Doc‟s say my liver is shot, with no hope
of getting better or regenerating. They say a transplant is the only option I have,
or I will die within about a year.

       There are sooo many things I still want to do with my life, but I fucked
up, didn‟t listen, and now I am paying the price.

       “But there is nothing you can do about the past” Albert Ellis

                                    Day 11: Saturday

         Had breakfast, then morning classes, then went to the bathroom and shit
so much blood that I almost passed out on the toilet. I was waek and felt fever
chills, and just felt ill in general.

       Shirley asked me if I had bled again ( because I was pale and didn‟t look
so good) , And I said “ Yes, A LOT, I almost passed ou in the bathroom!

       So we went back to the ER and checked back into the hospital. It only
took me about 9 hours to get arooom this time. That night they gave me 4 bags of
FFP ( which take about 1 ½ hours to go in while they checked my my vitals and
blood levels.) So AGAIN I got zero sleep because every half hour a nurse was
checking something…and I had a SPLITTTING headache for about 12 hours
and that they said they couldn‟t give me anything for because of my Liver…
no pain medication at all..FUCK!

                                     Day 12: Sunday

       After all the blood and plazma, the Doc‟s said my hemaglobinwas still too
low, so they were gonna give me 2 more pints of blood. Which took 6 more
hours, and this time my parents were planning to come up and see my in re-hab
anyway, but they got to see me all fucked up in the hospital. I had almost no
sleep and still the splitting head ache. And the docs said they were keeping me
overnight to monitor my levels, and if they were OK they would release me in
the morning.
       Funny thing is…I was attatched to this IV pump to pump the blood and
plasma in me, and everytime I would go to the bathroom it was like, “Well there
goes half that pint in the toilet!”

        What a nightmare the 5th floor was! That night 2 people died and other
patients were yelling and screaming for nurses or help or people who wernt even
there. It was like a fucking psycho-ward. They finally took me off all the
machines and “unplugged” me after the final blood and plazma went in and I
slipped an Ambien CR that I had brought, and finally got about 4 hours of sleep,
after not sleeping for about 24 hours…..

        Before that though, I called my Dad because re-hab said I couldn‟t come
back until I was “fixed” because of liability, and he called Mayo and told them
what was up ( because I was STILL bleeding) but stable now enough to make the
trip. So they said bring him into Mayo ASAP! So in the morning they let me out
of the psych ward and my Dad picked me up and took me straight to Mayo. I
was feeling OK, but a little weak and exhausted from lack of sleep, but overall,
was so happy to get out of that fuckin hospital and into Mayo, who I felt I could
        Again that‟s another story……
Chapter 13: My Stay at Hotel Mayo
                                     Day 13: Monday

        I was released and Mayo said to get over there ASAP for my bleeding
problem. So Dad had to jump back in the car after driving up on Sun. and
scooped me up and took me to Mayo. So we headed right to Mayo and went
directly to the ER to check in since it was late. They took some blood and vitals,
did a workup and checked my levels, which I guess were still safe enough, so
they released me and made me appointmentsfor the next day and released me.
So I finally got to a hotel with my Dad and chill, watch a little TV and then went
to bed and finally got some REAL sleep for once in 3 days.

                                     Day 14: Tuesday

        Tita called at 8:30 and had a full appointment schedule already for me.
Went in and did blood-work at 9:30am, then met with Tita again after looking at
my bloodwork and said that my MELD score was dangererously high at about
21-23 and that I was in pretty bad shape and knew I wasn‟t on the list yet and
was supposed to be in re-hab! They scheduled me for a colonoscopy and
endoscopy the next day. So I had to flush my system, so spent about 3-4 hours on
and off the toilet that night, then went to bed. I couldn‟t eat anything either until
after the procedure. So I was feeling pretty weak, and still mildly bleeding. But
again, at least I got to sleep in a nice bed in peace, with no-one fucking with me.

                                    Day 15: Wedsnday

        Wedsnday morning I went in early and got prepped with 4 bags of FFP
before my procedure, that took about 4 hours. After sticking the tube up my
butt and down my throat ( which was no big deal, cause this was only 5th or 6th
time I‟ve had a colonospcopy and endosocopy, fun!) After the procedure I was
all looped but only had about a 3 hour window to eat after fasting all night
because they wanted me to “fast” again for more lab-work tommorrow, but I
was tooo whacked to eat so I went to bed.

                                    Day 16: Thursday.

       Went in early to re-look at labs and the Doc said my numbers were still
whacked and that I required more blood and assessment. So off to the ER I went
again and they gave me some more plazma, and then was finally admitted, got a
room and bed, then they started pumping more Fresh Frozen Plama and blood
into me. The Doctors were still clueless why I was still bleeding so much out of
my ass. I just kept bleeding, not clotting, and pretty much wasting blood shitting
it out everytime I went. ( I‟m not talking a few drops here, I am talking blood
squirting out of my ass like I was peeing!) It was crazy!

        So here I sit in another hospital bed again with the Doc‟s not sure what to
do with me. It was really frustrating, and now I was laid up in another hospital,
MAYO, I felt a lot better being here than the physchoward at Thomasville, but
after just STILL getting pumped with blood non-stop and plazma, and being
poked and checked again every 30 minutes, with STILL getting nothing done or
any descisions made, I was losing my faith in the almighty Mayo.

       The dailey/nightly calls to Alida were lifesavers! She really kept me going
and tryied to keep me positive. I missed her and love her sooo much!

                                     Day 17: Friday

        The Docs did a few X-Rays and a nuclear blood coading scan, and they
still cant find anything except for internal hemmroids. I have told them many
times that I have bled before from the internal hemmroids, and maybe NOW
since I have Cirrhosis, couldn‟t that be why I am bleeding so much more? And
they were giving me 3 doses of Lactulose a day ( which is supposed to stabilize
my Hepatic Encepholopathy BUT also makes you shit about 10-12 times a day,
where I would bleed everytime!) Could THAT maybe be the problem? Jesus
Christ! Stupid fuckin Doctors were all avoiding me and just saying, “His levels
are still low, give him more blood and plazma.” So they pump me up with more
FFP and blood and let me lie there with no treatment plan decided on! FUCK!

       I am slowly dying everyday in the hands of someone else. I would rather
just have them release me, take care of a few things, and just DIE at home with
my family and Alida at my side! My will to live is running thin!

                                    Day 18: Saturday

       I did nothing today but lay in bed, get more blood and plazma, and shit
blood inbetween! I have had approximately:
            30 bags of Frsh Frozen Plazma
            12-16 Units of blood
            6 IV‟s
            20 blood work-ups
            5 shots
            10 digitals ( finger up the ass )
            1 nuclear blood scan
            3 sets of X-rays
            ansd about 1000 blood pressure and temperature checks.
            And sleep…….?
                                      Day 19: Sunday

        Sunday, not much happened again. The doctors are still scratching their
heads on what to do with me. Hopefully a friend BC ( Head Anestisisist) at Mayo
Transplant will talk to the liver board today and alert them to the current
situation. Until then, it looks like more of the same. Wake up, vitals, questions,
and prep for 4 more bags of Plazma, take blood, vitals every half an hour, check
levels again, then 2 more bags of red blood before TRYING to go to bed!
        And that‟s exactctly what happened!

                                     Day 20: Monday

        Had a “main” doctor come in and try to figure out what to do with me. (
Nobody want to touch me because I am bleeding so bad and not clotting, so they
are scared to do surgery for fear of me bleeding to death.) SO? He still says my
levels are‟nt safe, and he needs to consult with with other doc‟s. Until then “keep
pumping.” So I wait for them to find 4-6 more fresh frozen plazma‟s. I get those
in 6 hours later, then go right to the bathroom again and piss half of it out my
ass. They will be giving me 2 more bags of blood, then check my levels again.
And the cycle goes on and on again with no improvement.

        I‟m getting real sick of being in this fucking bed hooked up to an IV ,
getting pricked and prodded, being pumped with blood and plazama, and
shitting blood out of my ass everytime I go to the bathroom. And doctors either
ignoring me or scratching their head!

       I‟ve been in the hospital 3 times now, and have been here at Mayo for
over a week now! I wish they would just quit wasting blood and plazma on me if
they are not going to DO anything and let me just bleed-out and die. I am really
losing my will to live when I feel like I am dying slowly everyday. ( tears ) I really
cant handle much more of this anymore.

        My parents have been driving 6 hours separately and taking shifts sitting
with me while I lye in bed, but there really isn‟t much they can do for me but
wait, then go back to a hotel. They are even amazed that the doctors havnt done
anything and are starting to get really pissed also. I am so weak and bloated that
they or a nurse has to help me out of bed to get to the bathroom.

       I really don‟t want Alida to see me like this! ( tears ) She is flying out
Christmas Day and I sure as hell don‟t want to spend it in this fucking bed. I
want to see her soo bad but NOT like this!

                                     Day 21: Tuesday

         Today was the first day I didn‟t get any plazma or blood. My levels are
still off, but I guess stable enough to not. I dunno, nothing happened today, like I
was abandoned. I just laid in bed and got up and shit blood 8-10 times! I guess
my levels will change dramatically again now.

                                    Day 22: Wednsday

       Was seen by a Dr. Cooper today in the morning and then consulted with
an Internal Medicine doctor, Dr. Chua later on. We discussed some things to
“fix” me if only temporarirly to stop the bleeding. So they came back like they
had made a descision and that I would have “something” done today. They put
me on no food/no drink diet and even shoved a nicesniper sized laxative bullet
up my ass. Fun!

        So I wait and wait for 6 hours for them to take me down to surgery, but
no word. They never came. Getting ansy and pissed now! Then a nurse gets a
call saying NO, sorry, they‟re not going to do anything today, with NO

        So what the fuck are they gonna do with me? They didn‟t even come back
and tell me why. So just let me lay in this fucking bed for another week? Who
cares. I am soo over this shit! I had called Alida and told her that they were
finally going to do something! Now? No clue

       THIS IS BULLSHIT! Just let me lay here and die!

        ( newsbreak) Late last night at 11:30 they decided to start me on 6 bags of
FFP and then 2 more bags of red blood. So no sleep for me. The last bag of blood
finished at 9:45 am the next morning.They are going to watch my levels and try
to stabilize me, if so, they are going to try a procedure to stop the blood. So we
will see what happens.

                                    Day 23: Thursday

       So in the morning I wait and wait somemore thinking they are going to
do something. Then I got the word, “ Maybe tomorrow.” Fucking great!
       This place is driving me nuts! I cant even talk on the phone without
bursting into tears! I am so depressed and emotional, and have been dealing
with so much anxiety! I‟m losin it!

                                      Day 24: Friday
        Dr. Chua woke me up at 8:00am and said they decided to try a basic
internal hemmerroid procedure to try and stop the bleeding at 10:30. I was
stoked they were finally going to DO something. So they started me on FFP.
They put in 3 then prepped me for the surgery. I laid there waiting in the prep
room for a few hours, they gave me a mild sedative to relax me a bit, then they
finally took me into they O.R. They put something in my IV, then put the mask
on me and I was OUT! The last thing I remember is laughing that they were
putting me up in stirrups like I was having a baby. They did their thing, HELL
they could have done anything and I wouldn‟t have known, because I woke up
all wasted and my ass was soar. They took me back to the room and I was lit, a
big black guy nurse had to help me into bed…I was looped! Then I was informed
that I couldn‟t eat for 2 days, just sips of water and hard candy. AND by then I
was hungry, uuuuggghhh. Fuck, guess the stitches need to heal for a few days.

                                    Day 25: Saturday

         Its my 11th day in the hospital, this sucks, BUT I have already had 5
watery and runny bowel movements, BUT with no blood. So that‟s good news.
And my blood levels are the best they‟ve been since I checked in. So tomorrow I
am hoping to get to eat and also maybe try and get released for Christmas!
         We shall see what the docs decide to do. I pray I don‟t bleed anymore so
they will let me the hell outta here! Alida is coming in 2 days, and I don‟t want to
still be laying in this damn bed. We shall see.

                                 12-24-06 Christmas Eve
                                     Day 26: Sunday

        Alida is coming tomorrow! I‟m so excited she is coming and I wont be in
the hospital. My parents are getting us a hotel because the doctors wanted me to
stay close ( if they were gonna let me out ) ,so if anything “bad” happened I
would be close and could come back in quickly. That was fine with me.
        I woke up to Dr. Mufatsu at 7:30am. He said things were looking good
and would be back with the IMED team to make a descision. They ALL came
into the room around 9:30 and asked if I wanted to go home?
        I SAID “HELL YEAH!” Thank You! So me and Mom checked into a
hotel, and I get to go pick up Alida tomorrow. The docs wanted me to stay stay
close for a couple of days so I could come in for some blood tests on Tuesday
after Christmas so they could check my levels and make sure I was stable. I was
just soo stoked to be out of the hospital and have my own hotel bed without
anybody fucking with me, giving more blood, changing IV holes, etc. AND being
able to spend a few days with Alida, with some privacy. I cant wait to snuggle
with my baby! It is SOO good to be out of the hospital! Ahhhhhhh!
                                        Xmas Day

        Me and Mom checked into a HoJo‟s yesterday, and Dad and my sister
Susan were driving out so we could all( almost) be together for Christmas; in a
Howard Johnsons, hell, at least I was out of the hospital, I didn‟t care where we
were, just not that fuckin hospital bed with IV‟s sticking out of me! Anyway,
they showed up around 1 or 2pm and we opened some gifts, ate some candy and
spent some family-time together. Then a little later me and dad headed for the
airport to pick up Alida ( she proboboly wouldn‟t have come right at X-mas, but
her Mom who is a 20 year veterend nurse said if they couldn‟t stop my bleeding I
was going to die). So she came out as soon as she could, bless her beautiful heart!
God, I love her! So my Mom set us up with our own room, because they were all
leaving tomorrow, and I had to stay in town close to the hospital in case of and
emergency bleed.
        So I surprised Alida at the airport ( because she thought I might still be in
the hospital) and it was so great to see her, kiss her, hug her……
        So then we all ( get this) went to X-mas dinner at the Waffle House! It
was pretty classic, and Alida got to witness some Naile family shenanigans.
        We ate, drove back to the hotel all full and pretty much all went to bed.
        Merrry Christmas! Hahaha…I am just glad Alida and my family were all
there, except my brother, to enjoy X-mas OUT of the hospital.

                                     Day 28: Tuesday

         My parents and sister left in the morning around 10 and me and Alida
have a room to ourselves until she leaves on New Years Eve. I Love her more
than anything still, and I cant believe she sacrificed her Christmas to fly out and
be with me. I know she loves me, but I am realizing how much now, and
realizing how much really do love her…It took my dumbass long enough!
         I went back to the hospital that day for a blood test to check my levels to
see if they were still holding..and they were, so that is good news. Afterwards me
and Alida both went back to the hospital and dropped off some chocolates for a
few of the nurses who were really good to me, and then we went to the beach and
I showed Alida around Jax Beach a bit then we went to Waves Surfshop and
Alida bought me 3 T-shirts, because I only had like 2 in the hospital, along with
my nice hospital gown…I love those. So I got a couple of coll No Fear shirts and
a classic old school Tony Hawk shirt! Then we drove back and grabbed some
Chinese food to-go and went back to the room and chilled and snuggled. It was
so nice to have her next to me again. Watched a little TV then went to bed.

                                   Day 29: Wedsnday

        Tita, from Mayo called me in the morning and “popped” me with a
surprise blood/drug/alcohol test. I might still have a little THC in my blood, but
its been over a month since I smoked, but with my condition the doctors AND
my counselor Shirely, said since my liver isn‟t processing properly, that I could
test positive for a few months, but other than that I have been totally clean.
        So Tita said when can you come in ( cause if you say, “Uughhh, can I
come in in a few days?” You are pretty much busted, or it looks that way) so I
said I could come in RIGHT NOW! Alida was in the shower and I told her I had
to go in for a “pop” blood test and would be right back. I was back within about
45 minutes. I wasn‟t worried because I knew I hadn‟t used since before rehab.
        Then me and Alida for the first time since high school went
bowling…SOBER! We had a blast, but I guess I was still pretty weak from the
hospital and actually busted my ass a few times and even landed on one of those
kid guards that stick up out of the lane so the ball wouldn‟t go in the gutter. Man
that fuckin hurt, and I had a huge bruise on my ass and hip for weeks! But we
had a great time anyway, then we did a little shopping, shaved my nappy head,
checked the internet, then napped a bit. Then we got some Lasagne, salad, and a
piece of killer cheesecake, then kicked back, watched some TV and went to bed.
We were wiped out. It was a good day though!

                                   Day 30: Thursday

       We had a pretty mellow day today. We hung out, played some yatzee,
watched some TV, went and got a late lunch at TGIFridays, brought some food
back to the hotel and chilled.
       We played some more yatzee, watched a little TV, then went to bed…we
snuggled a bit and then we made some much needed love! It was nice ( about 6
months nice ) ahhhhh…I even gave her a much needed orgasm! Then we slept
real good.

                                     Day 31: Friday

       Woke up, got some breakfast in bed for Alida. ( Brought hr 2 coffees,
some froot loops, a muffin and a boiled egg…yuck for me in the morning, the
boiled egg) I had some teae and some froot loops..i was all good!
       We then headed for St. Augustine for a tourist day for Alida. She really
enjoyed it more than I thought she would. I was really happy she enjoyed it so
much, and we got some pretty cool pictures.
       We came back after a day of tourist stuff, but also both got great Rueben
Sandwiches in Old Towne St. A. We came back and watched some “Mind of
Mencia” on my little portable DVD player. HE is a funny-ass motherfucker! We
hen chilled, snuggled and went to bed.
                                    Day 32: Saturday

       We didn‟t do much on Saturday. It was a pretty mellow day and night.
Alida had to leave early the next morning and we were both pretty emotional. It
was a good stay, but I was sad to see her leave. She is soo good to me and I really
do love her so much. She is my world! I don‟t deserve her….

                                     Day 32: Sunday

        I dropped off Alida on Sunday morning at 6am at the airport and then
went back to the hotel and packed, cleaned up, and then headed back to
Pensacola for a quick 1 ½ days to take care of some things and just slept in and
take a break..
        I didn‟t go out or anything for the first time in many yers for New Years
Eve, and it was kinda weird, but I knew I had to go straight back to rehab and
they would drug test me as soon as I got there. I had urges to go out and get all
fucked up, but I knew I coulnt. Re-hab is a bithch. But at least I am out of the
hospital and can hopefully finish up re-hab and fucking go home. This shit is
killing me! I have so much depression and angst that I really almost had to lock
myself in my room with a movie, so I wouldn‟t go out and get stitfaced. I‟m very
stressed about my condition, and it is really hard to keep positive. It was great
seeing Alida and my family, but it really still doesn‟t help my END STAGE
CIRRHOSIS! There is really nothing I can do from the disease progressing
except taking mt pills and NOT drinking. But it is SOO hard when you are
waiting to get on “the list”.

                                  New Years Day 2007
                                   Day 33: Monday

       New Years Day. Big Deal! Slept in, caught up on some computer stuff,
played a little PS2, had a great dinner, then packed back up for Re-hab.

                   Chapter 14: Back to unknown re-hab hell!
                                   3 weeks
                                     Day1: Tuesday

       I drove my own car back to rehab to finish the rest of the 3 weeks that I
missed while being in the hospital. The place hadn‟t changed much except for
loosing the cool cook ( very cool motherly black woman ) and also the cool
cleaning girl ( another very cool black girl who cleaned ours rooms, did our
laundry, and just kept everything tidy without complaining) There should have
been 2 counselors who were Axed instead of those awesome women!
        There were 2 new people there. One is a girl who likes pills too much, and
the other guy has a bad coke problem and smokes a litte pot…woooooo! But he
is trying to save his marriage.
        I got there about half day, so I missed most of the classes, but we did go to
a SMART meeting that went well as possible. Then we got back , and I went
down to the “Movie Lounge” ( where they only have movies about drugs and
recovery and stuff) and I popped in “Philidelphia” and watched about half of it
then went to bed…I was tard!

                                    Day 2: Wedsnday

        Today, Shirley( the head counselor, lyer) did a piss test on me and
informed me after lunch that I had faileded ( positive for THC) which I hadn‟t
touched in over 2 months. I denied it, but she said that if I was lying to her, that
it was grounds for removal, failing me, and sending me home! Meaning a BAD
rehab report and almost definitely not getting on the transplant list.
        I asked Shirley, “Didn‟t you say that if I was a dailey smoker AND with
my liver not working right, that the THC could show up as long as 2 or more
months?” And she said , “No, It should be out of your system within about a
month!” hhmmmm…LIE
        I also showed “Backstabbing Tom and Squirrley Shirley” how much of
the SMART rehab manual assighnments that I had done while in the hospital,
and they didn‟t even seem impressed! They just said “That is more of Rhonda‟s
deal with the book…” SO WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY DO?
        I finally met Rhonda, who had Pnumonia while is was in rehad and then
in the hospital, and she was back, thank goodness, and was really cool to me, and
couldn‟t believe how much work I had accomplished in the workbook while in
the hospital. I told her what Tom and Shirley had said, and she said there were
many “issues” with this place ( that her step daughter, Amanda, the night girl
warned me about) and we would talk about that later!
        I was also told later that Shirley wasn‟t going tomake any special heating
adjustments just for me anymore now that there is someone else here and
another guy showing up! ( I have FUCKING Cirrhosis and my temperature
gauge doesn‟t work very well anymore, and I am colder than most people.)
        It was freezeing in those rooms, and me and my new cabinmate looked at
the “locked” temperature guage, and it was set at 65 degrees instead of at least
72. Its freaking January and 40 outside for Christssake!. So my new rommie
Hardy told her it was set at 65 and he was cold too…so she sets it at 72 so he can
be comfortable. Loooks like they are already trying to get rid of me, but they
don‟t want to give me/Dad a refund of about 9000.00$ so I guess they will try
and keep me around a little longer, with their hidden agenda! ( We‟ll get to
that!) This place is fuct!
Day 3: Thursday
        Had a long day, but a good day doing classes and going over assignments
with Rhonda, and am getting along good with Hardy ( the coke addict ) who is
really a very cool guy, and with Laura ( the pill popper) who has already been
very motherly to me since they found out about my situation and what I went
        And Rhonda is really cool and upbeat, and is shocked at how much of the
SMART manual I actually completed while in the hospital…she was very
impressed and said I was almost past what the new guys had done, so at least I
got a little validity on all the work I had done while lying in the hospital.
        Leter that night me and Amanda wched “The Omen” and she said I
coulnt puss out on her, because she HAD to have somebody wath it with her. It
was good. Amanda is a little skiddish though, but very cool and sweet! She‟s
really been a good friend from the beginning ( and warned me about Toms
backstabbing ways.)

       Side note” We are responsible for out own behavior. Be patient with
yourself, practice and be persistent. ( the 3 “P’s”) STOP and THINK before you

                   Try to catch yourself saying the evil “Absolutes”
                                     I cant stand…
                                        I should..
                                         I must…
                                        I have to..
                                     It‟s not fair…
                                        I always..
                                       I ought to..
                                         I cant…
                                    This is terrible
                                      This is awful
                                          I need
                                         Forever
                                           All
                                         Nothing

                          4 Focuses of SMART Recovery

      1: Enhance and maintain motivation to Abstain and/or change your
      2: Coping with urges
      3: Manage thoughts , feelings and behavior.
      4: Balance in life short term and long term satisfaction in life!

                                     Day4: Friday
        Today was a pretty good day. I got a lot more done, and had my “Anger
Mangement” assessment meeting today with Rhonda ( the cool, trustable
counselor) and she said that I got the best score out of the whole group. ( Even
though I was going through all this shit). She says I am doing great, especiallially
for my “condition/disease”
        Had dinner, then our Friday weekly SMART online chat meeting on
        I had called my beautiful Alida earlier in the day on the “jail phone” to
say hi, and was hoping to call her tonight, but Hardy was on the fuckin phone
with his wife for 40 minutes, so I didn‟t get to call because we cant call after
10:pm ( this place is driving me fucking crazy) . The learning is good, but the
counselors and the program and rules SUCK!
        I need to write Alida a letter, because there are so many personal things I
need to tell her, but I get so emotional, and its hard to say what I want to say on
the “jail phone” with soo many unwanting ears listening. It is so frustrating
having to call or be called only at certain times….no priviacy!
        I love her so much! She is my world, helping to try and keep me sane so I
don‟t “off‟ myself…so to speak.

                                        Day 5: Saturday
        Got to sleep in a bit today till 9am. I met Joni, a part time counselor who
works 1-2 weekends a month. She was nice, but it doesent do much good if you
NEED counseling dailey in this fuckin physcho ward! We had a pretty good
session, which was mostly her getting to know me and my “condition”. Then we
worked on one of my last official assignments from the SMART course manual. I
only have a few left. I am soo glad I took the book to the hospital with me,
because I really did get A LOT of the assignments done and am pretty much
ahead of schedule, with still 2 weeks to go. I am learning a lot, but still cant wait
to get the fuck out of here and move to the next step of hopefully getting on the
        I called my beautiful Alida today, and am so glad I glad I did. She was
having a bad emotional day, and she said she really needed to hear my voice, and
that she loved and missed me! And I felt the same. It made my day for her to say
that. I think after seeing each other after X-mas, we both started to really realize
how much we really do love and care about each other. And I am finally
realizing how hard this is for her too. And how much our being apart is really
affecting our lives and relationship.
        I feel so stuck here ( Re-hab) and will still afterwards after getting out
because we are still going to be so far away from each other still, and both
having no real timeframe as to when I can get on the list, and how long I will
have to wait even when/if I get on the list, and if/when I do get a liver that it will
be successful. And the reality if my body has that long to wait!
        I love her so much, but I feel like a “prisoner of wait”. And I‟m trying to
deal with the reality that there is a good chance that I wont make it through this.
       I know she loves me and is having a hard time coping with our love for
each other and trying to stay strong and supportive, but I know she is very
lonely and has her needs too. I hate to think of her dating someone else and even
being “intimate” and sexual with him. But no matter how hard it hurts me, I do
understand, and have to deal with that. I don‟t blame her because I just cant be
with her right now, and I don‟t know how long it will be till I can really BE with
her again. ( tears, tears, flowing tears) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ALIDA!

                                      Sunday: Day 6

        Goddamnit! I didn‟t get to call and say goodnight to Alida, or even start
my letter. BOTH of the “evil ones” are still here and Amanda is late. So it is too
late to use the “jail phone”. So I will just have to say it in my journal, “
Goodnight my love, YOU are my life! I Love You”. Today was a depressing day,
like most nowadays, but I really needed to hear HER voice tonight.

                        Chapter 15: “The Letter of Decline”

                                      Monday: Day 7

        I dint sleep real well last night, but things “seemed” like things were
going pretty well with class and stuff, but then during a break my dad calls and
tells me he got a letter from Mayo “declining” to put me on the list!
        I was freaked out! FUCK, I havnt even finsished rehab yet and they
already declined me? Something is fishy going on around here, which I already
was warned about. I was hoping it was just a formality because I was still in
rehab, but….Dad faxed over the letter, and it definitely looked like more than a
formality, but a formal letter of rejection to me. Dad said try to stay cool and call
Tita at Mayo in the morning to check it out…. So, aagain, I didn‟t sleep too well.
        I‟m here in a rehab prison trying to get on “the list” and they already
turned me down before I even got out! What the fuck?

                                       Tues: Day 8

       I called Tita, she finally gets back to me and says YES, it is official. ( The
Decline) And no, I wont be put on the list.! This really sucks and there is a lot of
bullshit going on around here at re-hab that just doesn‟t add up. We are going to
do some investigating and my Dad is going to talk to a lawyer , but first I will be
sending an official appeals letter to the medical director, because I definitely
think I am being treated unfairly and there is some shady shit going on here at
       The story goes way deeper than this and I will expound upon this later!.
But things are pretty fucked up right now, and I am pretty freaked out and
upset. I am sorry I didn‟t get to talk to my baby tonight, but I had a really bad
day, and had to call my Dad latenight tonight on the “Batphone” ( I snuck my
cellphone in to use latenight) and had to let him know what was going on!
        Sorry I didn‟t get to call you baby! I love you my queen!

                                      Weds.: Day 9

        I am trying to work hard on my workbook asighnments to try and keep
my mind off of what “is or isn‟t” really going onhere. I am trying to stay
positive, but all the lying and backstabbing and bullshit going on, it is hard.
Everyone is saying how good I am doing and how well I am handling “the
rejection”, but they really have NO ideahow I really feel and whats really going
on with me.
        I‟m sick of it all; wearing a fake smile while still feeling like shit and
depressed as hell. I am sick of all the pills I have to take to keep my condition
stable, even though I am sober, I really don‟t know what it feels like to feel
healthy, clear minded and just plain normal anymore.

       “The important thing is to not ever stop questioning!” Albert Einstien

       “All tomorrows are for ours to shape!” Hal Borland

                                      Thurs: Day 10

        It took all I had today to write and send off some thank-you letters to
some really good people who care a lot about me without blowing up!
        Depression is kicking in hard and I feel like shit. Even though we have a
busy week and I have gotten a lot done SMART therapy wise, I am in pain and
anguish over the future and being already turned down for “the list”. I am
definitely having a hard time “dealing. I feel I am at the lowest point in my life
right now. I am so sick of being in this kind of pain and having to fake my real
feelings, because I cant trust my counselors knowing they have backstabbed me
and kept “certain” important information from me, because they didn‟t want me
to freak out and bail the program, so they wouldn‟t have to give my Dad a
4000.00$ refund on me leaving. FUCKS. Everyone knew about the letter of
rejection even before I checked back in to re-hab after I got out of the hospital!
They didn‟t even tell me till about 2 weeks later!…hows that?
        I guess some of the statements or info I told Mayo doctors didn‟t quite
coincide with prior info, so they think I purposely lied to them, so they made
their descision even before I completed re-hab!
        I guess they didn‟t take into consideration that I had lost half my blood,
have end stage Cirrhosis, and Hepatic Encephalopathy, and my memory isn‟t as
good as it used to be! I just wasn‟t “all there” and I‟m still not! Fuck Them!
                                      Friday:Day 11

        Today was another hard day! I am mentally and physically exhausted,
and I just don‟t feel well. I feel like my mind and my body are slowly
deteriorating and dying.
        I am depressed, stressed and in pain and anxiety. I guess I am not really
scared of death, but am more just tired of my quality of life..or lack of!
        I feel so alone, even though I know a lot of people care about me, but they
cant really know what I am going through emotionally and physically.
        Imiss Alida so much, she is the only thing that is keeping me alive and
helping me cope and making sure I get through rehab and life in genral. I feel
like she is seeing someone else and starting to care more about him and getting
attched, but I guess I don‟t blame her. I am fucking 3000 miles away, and she
has her needs..( tears ) It hurts soo much, but I have to deal with it, because I
know in my heart that she truly loves me.
        I wish I had realized how much I loved her when I had a chance. I was in
total denial and fucked up my life. She deserves much better. I am so sorry I
have put her through this. She should have dumped me a long time ago.
        I have learned that I cannot change the past, but “regret” is haunting and
killing my soul! ( tears )…..

                                       Sat:Day 12

Got a much needed sleep in today. Also got some news that I am getting out a
day early (Jan 23rd), along with Hardee, the other guythat is left here. He is 38
like me and a cool guy. Hardee had/has a Coke problem and his wife threatened
to leave him and take his 2 little kids with her. So he has done real well in the
program. Funny, the “evil ones” like him and he hasn‟t had any trouble with
them. I guess they just have a problem with me..? We will be graduating
together and I am taking him to the Tallahassee Airport on my way out ( if the
evil ones” will let me take him. They would actually have to bend the rules a bit,
but I would be saving both those assholes an hour drive to the airport. But since
I am taking their “pet” Hardee, I think they will do it.
        We didn‟t do much at all today. It was nice and much needed. Rhonda
pretty much let us blow off a couple of classes ( because the “evil ones” were
gone), Rhonda is the cool one that cares. So we had a lot of freetime today to just
nap or chill. It was a nice “de-strssor”!
        But I am still getting bombarded with advice and info, and suggestions
from everyone, and I don‟t know what to believe or what is true anymore. Too
much going on in my head and I am spinning. I wish everybody would just leave
me alone. Its driving me freaking crazy! And it sucks to have to try and make
calls in secrecy. Tom and Shirleykeep saying “NOW” after all the shit is starting
to go down and I told them my Dad was talking to a lawyer, , they say NOW
they are going to do everything they can do and give me a great report and try to
get me on the list! Fuckin lyers. They know they gave me a bad verbal report to
their buddy Richard Crossfield, the Mayo board psychologist, which they totally
deny, and it is against the rules and unethical!!!
        Whatever… I don‟t know who I can believe until I graduate and get all
the case notes and get the fuck out of this hell-hole. I am just trying to play it day
by day and keep putting my fake suit on while they lie to my face!
        My Dad sent me a good, well written draft for an appeal letter that I am
going to rewrite in my own words to send to Mayo right before I get “out”! We
still have a full work week coming up to finish up some final assighnments, my
future plan, and my good-bye letter to release me from my “addictions” out of
my life…yeah right!
        So hopefully this week will go by pretty quickly because my parents are
coming up to save me on Saturday and Sunday for my weekend pass. We are
just staying in a local hotel, but at least I will be able to get out of there for a few
        Then I will be released on Tuesday!!! God, I cant wait!
        I talked to Alida briefly in the early morning ( she said she just wanted to
hear my voice ),she woke me up, but it was great to hear her voice also. And I
also got to say goodnightto my love also! I don‟t know if she really knows how
much hope she is giving me, all along being in pain and “dealing” with my/our
love and relationship situation. It just kills me!

                                   Sunday: Day 13

        Today was aprety good day. We both got to sleep in, have a little brunch,
then I napped again till about 2 till our classes started at 3:00.
        I finished almost all/most of my thankyou-you notes, and finished 2 of my
final assighnments! Was good to get that extra rest, cause my mind was on
overload and I really needed part of a day to just relax and not think about
        We went to a Sunday AA meeting in the near-by town called Cairo (
pronounced K-Roh ) Some funny AA stuff was said at the meeting tonight!

       I guess the topic of the meeting was our regrets.
       One lady said “ My past is my greatest asset, and my ass is my best
gasket”! Another woman spoke up and asked an old AA fart “ So Tommy , hoe
do you feel about regrets?” and Tommmy says, “ Ohhhh grits, I love grits.
       That was some funny shit! In the bathroom there was was funnt shit too.
       There was a sign in there that said:
       We try to keep out bathrooms clean!
       So Guys, please stand closer…its shorter than you think!
       And Woman, please stay seated for the whole performance!

I made up a Jeff Foxworthy joke in my ming while I was there: here it go:
“ If you‟re the Moderator of am AA meeting and nobody in the room can
understand a wurd you say except for “Da Gum” at the end of your run on
sentence……Then you might be a Redneck!

Thought that was klinda funny throught the helll of having to go to AA also

                                 Monday: Dat 14

        Had another long day full of classes, but acuallly had a meditation
counselor ( virgin to the evils of this place) and she was really cool, and just nice
to have someone else around. I had some one on one therapy sessseins the Dr.
Tom/Mr.Hydyd and guess they went ok. I have to keep my mouth shut , or I willl
go kill him and burn the fucking place down….i just want to get outta here!
        We had an earlt SMART online session, so we thought we would be able
to kick back after that, but we barely got any freetime today in and we started
at 9:am and didt get finished till about 10PM that night,,and that was bulllshit!
        We bareley had any freetime work on some much needede final
assighnments. I managd to fit in a little time to start writing my “appeal” letter
in my own words, but with a lot of great help and structure from my dad.
Thanky you Dad!
        This place really sucks, but I will get throught it….and then we go from
there I guess……..

                                   Tues: Day 15

        Today was a pretty mellow class day, so I got to work on my appeal letter
more. Then I got a UPS mail from my Dad with a bunch of Social Security and
medical shit I had to fill out and make sure I got it in the mail the next day. But
after lunch I started feeling sick and had diarrhea and constipation for the rest
of the day, so I didn‟t even go aet dinner. I still felt loust, and going to be at
2:30am last night sure didn‟t help either.
        So now, “literally” I am sick and tired or going to bed…for the first
time…My body is all fucked up and I really don‟t know what it feels like to
“feel” normal…even being sober!

                                   Weds: Day 16

       Finished and sent off some vey important paperwork in the mail today
for SSI and Medicare. And after that I got to finish my Future Plan, which I
shared with the class on wrote on the board. Hardy and Tom said it was a great
looking like a great plan.
Then Laura, the new counselor went and showed us some mediation techniques,
and I told her I would probably be more into the Hindu/Bhuddist technighques,
because I was more into the Indonesian type lifestyle.. Which was cool with
her…she dug it!
       I also finished my appeal letter which was cool, then woked on my
“Goodbye Letter” which I will prob finsish tomorrow.
       Tom keeps saying how graet I am doing and that he is going to write an
excellent final review and completion letter for me, and that him and Doc Rich
are going to do everything in their “power” to help with the appeal and to try
and get the Committee to re-consisider their descison. We will see how my final
report turns out.
       Not sure who I can actually trust here anymore, except for Amanda. She
has been very kind , caring, supportive, but also reminding me of all the shit that
is going on with this place….its crazy…I just have to keep my head straight and
get outta here.

                                  Thurs: Day 17

My appeal letter was supposed to go out today but for some reason it didn‟t!
Which I‟m actually glad it didn‟t because I havnt fully completed my re-hab. So
I got the letter back and had to rewrite some dates and that I would be
completing on the 23rd. Which would be the day that I actually got out. So I
finished that and will now send it on the actual day I get out of this hell-hole.
I am really looking forward to my parents coming to save me and get me out of
here this weekend. I am so sick of getting up at 7:am and sick of all the “country
cookin”. The food here is pretty good overall, but I am looking forward to some
real food, without Shirly telling me I can have salt or medium rare food, etc…..

                                  Friday: Day 18

Watched a fucked up movie last night and had some bad using/urge dreames,
forgot to st the alarm, missed breakfeast, and just got off to a bad start. The rest
of the day wasn‟t too bad with classes. We did some meditation techniquies with
Laura, the new counselor, then we had clueless Tom and reviewed the whole
book pretty much. Because he has no clue to whats going on, other than what he
teaches, lectures, videos, or what fuckin song he wants to share with us that he
wrote..he‟s a fuckin freak!
        Then a new guy checked in, and he didn‟t look too happy nor did his wife.
But at least I got some time to finish my “Goodbye” letter, and now I am pretty
much done with all my assighnments to get the hell outta hee!
        I get to sleep n tomorrow, and Mom and Dad are going to pick me up
around 1:pm for my “weekend pass”!
        Oh yeah…I still failed ANOTHER thc drug test tonight! I havnt smoked
in at least 2 months so fuck them…I don‟t care anymore….I already got turned
down for the list anyway…..
                                    Sat: Day 19

Parents came for my weekend passs, and Islept in till about, then took a
shower and checked out a few things..
My parents came around 12 and we were off too Abblebes‟s for some real food.
AHHHHH….Then we checeked into the Quality Inn. I took a nice nap on a
comfy bed, watched a little TV, talked to my love, ten we went back out to
dinner again at Ruby Tuesdayes….hen came back to to the hotel sfuufed,
watched some TV and webt to be in a huge comfy bed….ahhhh..
       Will get to sleep in a bit ,b ut will have to be back in rehabab around 6,
cuase the parents wnt to drive home and keave before I wantd too be beac in reb
hab , but it was nice to get me out of jail faor a day and a half.
       Me and Hardy willl be released on Tuesesday morning and sooo looking
fowrwarn to getting out and home!

                                 Sunday: Day 20

       So the parents dropped me off early after checkng out of the hotel, but
Rhonda was there and got to talk to my parents 1 on 1, so I think It helped my
Dad to see what was REALLLY going on even more.
       We went over my paperworkwith Rhonda, then she gave us some
freetime, so I napped until dinner, then we went over some more “paperwork”,
then we went to our last AA meeting in Cairo. I opened up a bit tonight at the
meeting about my condition and got some good encouragement.
       We went back to the facility and me an Hardy started to watch Memento,
but I had a headache and wasn‟t feeling well, so I turned in early.

                                     Monday:Day 21

       Today is me and Hardy‟s last “real” day here at re-hab, and we are both
itchen to get the fuck outta here! We had a few last classes, then they let us check
our stuff out early and pack my car, cause we had to be up at like 5:am to get
Hardy to the airport. After we said our goodbyes, it was nice to jump back on
the I-10 and head the hell home! Thank God that is over and I made it through,
although it was actually just a first start.

       I love you Alida! Thank you for helping me get through that!

              16: The next few months: A blur and another story

      The last few months have been a blur of pain, anxiety, mental anquish,
depression, and a big feeling of hopelessness. My parents, Alida, and friends
have been very suporrtive, but know-one can fathom what I am really going
through, and it has been hard for me to stay positive and “keep my head” with
this barrage a shit going on in my body and my mind…I‟m really feeling like I
am losing it! My Mom has my checkbook by the balls, and Dad keeps preesing
me to go to AA meetings which are driving me crazy, just to get on a fuckin liver
list I will probably never get on because I have fucked up and had I few “slips”
        I have to put on a fake suit everyday and just deal with the boaredom of
not having a job, being on Disability, living at home, and being totally in love
with the woman of my dreams who is 3000 miles away, and knowing we are
slowing falling apart, and she is seeing another guy!

         I just don‟t know how much more I can handle the lack of quality in my
life.!!!! I am utterly depreseed and really don‟t care anymore.
         Life is about living for yourself, and I don‟t have one anymore!

                                      2:29 am
                                 Monday: April 16 2007

       Not much has changed, except I found out the “real” truth of Alida!

       I love you more than the world, but thank you for being honest!

                Chapter 17: Checking in, Almost Checking out
                            Wedsnday: April 19, 2007

         My parents went out of town, and by now I was feeling so utterly
depressed, lonely, and hopeless about my life and situation, that for the first
“real” time was feeling suicidal and was gonna end it all.
         I wrote notes to my family and Alida and even drew up a will. I was
REALLY thinking about doing this. I loaded some stuff in my carryon bag,
including my loaded 9mm and headed off to the beaech . I checked into a room
at the Best Western, went to the liquor store and bought a Fifth of Smirrnoff and
some mixers, then went and had a nice “last supper”. I was craving King Crab
legs for some reason, so I went and got me some. It was strange! I was calm and
cool as if I had really decided to do this, almost felt a sense of relief. I ate my
dinner, had a Long Beach Iced Tea, tipped the waitress very well, then went
back to the room and proceeded to make a few Nailehead Cocktails and rolled a
         After a few more drinks, THEN it kicked in. WHAT THE FUCK AM I
DOING? Many thoughts and emotions started running through my head ( I
guess the Rational side started kicking in.) and I started to think of what I would
lose if I really did this! My family, friends, all my belonging, my art, my music,
books, surfboards, classic photos, and most of all Alida! ( It would just kill her,
even though we are really not “together”) By this time, I had had a few more
cocktails and was stressing and pacing the room and realized that it just wasn‟t
worth it. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? So I mentally decided to
scratch the plan, watch a little TV, go to bed, then go home the next day.
        Nope, not gonna happen!
        I am nearly passed out, had already made the decision not to go with “the
plan”, and next thing I know, my friend Scott comes to the room, my sister had
already called the cops because I wasn‟t home and was worried. So before I
know it, Scott, my sister, 3 cops and 2 paramedics are in my room. I was
hammered by then and they said I was going to the ER, AND the cops found my
gun! I said I wasn‟t going to do anything to harm myself, I just got drunk
instead. But Florida they a law called the Baker Act, which requires them to take
me to the ER, then escort me into the Behavioral Phsyc Ward on suicide watch
for at least 72 hours.
        When at the ER they said my blood alcohol level was a .47, and said if I
had gone to sleep I probably would have died anyway!! So they gave me IV
fluids and some shots to sober me up, and I was on constant watch ( even had a
guard outside the door to make sure I didn‟t run for it. ( What a blur all of that
was ) Scotts dad showed up to check on me, and before I know it, my Mom and
Dad are there looking at me sad but discustedly. I was really bummed by then
realizing the mistake and mess I got myself into. It was too late then! I just
wanted to go home, but I was Baker Act‟d.

                     Chapter 18: 4th Floor Lockdown
                                 April 19, 2007

In the morning I was escorted from the ER straight across the street to the 4th
floor “suicide watch phych ward” in just a hospital gown, and the damn place
was as cold as a meat locker, it was freezing in there, and because of my
condition I get cold easily because my body thermometer is broken. My mom
had to bring me long johns, pants, t-shirts, 2 sweatshirts and a jacket for me to
finally warm up….looked like I was going snowboarding or skiing or something.
I stayed in bed a lot under 3 covers just because I was freezing! We had a few
“meetings” a day and 3 terribly bad meals each day too, which I could barely
choke down. I had to save and stash my fruit from breakfast just to get some
food in my stomach. If I didn‟t eat anything at all all the pills I was having to
take normally totally upset my stomach, and I could barely eat anything in
there. So I had a bad upset stomach most of the time and barely slept. So I had
plenty of time to think about the fucking mess I had gotten myself into, and it
was a real “eye opener”. So I was on my best behavior I could stand and just
wanted to get the hell out of this koo-koo‟s nest. Every morning they took a
blood sample because I was bleeding again out my ass, and my levels were low,
so they were monitoring me pretty closely. And almost the whole floor was full
and there were some real wackoo‟s in there, it was almost scary. A lot of these
        people REALLY needed to stay in there for a long time. There were some
real nutcaeses in there. It really sucked, and I never want to go back. I was
finally let out on Monday, but right before I got out they said I needed to go
back to the hospital and get and infusion of 2 bags of blood because my levels
were so low. But I was just so happy to be released I didn‟t care about getting
the blood that took 5 hours to do because I knew I could finally go home
afterwards to freedom. My bed and room, and house never looked so good! I had
about 23 messages from various friends and family that I had to catch up on,
and it was sad to think that I went as far as I did, and got to the point that I did
of wanting to kill myself. I was really depressed, lonely and felt hopelessly alone
in my situation. Nobody can really understand what I have been through and am
going through daily, mentally and physically, and it gets so frustrating and
became unbearable. I guess this was my final big call for help! I just wish I could
talk to people who understand or have been through, or are going through what
I am…even total strangers. Even at AA it just seems like people are talking
about their disease of drinking: Alcoholism, but no-one ever adrresses Cirrhosis.
It is so damn frustrating: “Oh poor you! Let God take care of your alcohol
problem!” Bullshit!
Anyway, got home, nice and stinky ( had been wearing and sleeping in the same
clothes for 3 days, again, because the fuckin place was an ice cooler) took a much
needed hot shower, and climbed in my big comfy bed, and was OUT!

          Chapter 19: Alida comes to Check in and Check out!
        The next day, my love, Alida flew out from California ( pretty much to be
mad at me, kick my ass for what I had done, but also to support and make sure I
was OK) we‟ve been getting along ok, but it has mostly been a “cold”, non
attractive, non sexual or intimate visit. I guess mainly due to the fact that she is
now dating someone else in Cal, and I guess it is pretty serious. I already knew
about this, and told her I didn‟t expect her to wait for me, but it still hurts soo
bad knowing she is dating someone else, being intimate and having sex with
another guy. She says I am still the “love of her life” but we just cant be together
right now. Her “timeclock” is ticking and she really wants to have a baby and
someone who can help support her and mutually take care of it. And that is
something I cant even do right now, even if I wanted to, which I do, because I
love her very much! This sucks, and hurts soo bad! But I am stuck here with my
health/liver issues, and will shortly be seeing a phychologist and a phychiatrist
probably weekly.
        She says I need to focus on myself and my own happiness, and to start
letting her go. She has been my main information and support system and still
loves me very much. I know she does, but I cant ask her to wait for me and the
“unknown” future bestowed on me. I have to let her go! But she is one of the
main reasons I wanted to “end it all”. She has been one of the only people that
cares about me that I can talk too, and I have been feeling soo alone, and knew
she was slipping away from me. She needs to be happy too, she just cant use all
of her energy and resources on me. Its not fair to her. We had a long talk while
she was herre and it hurt but it made sence. She just cant drop everything
everytime I have a depressive, hopeless, lonely thought or mood. I know now
that those probably arnt going to go away, even with the fucking depression
medicine ( Lexepro) they have me on!
         It amazes me that doctors think they can fix depression with a fuckin pill!
Just turn us all into behavioral zombies who cant think clearly or make us feel
more fucked up than we started, and we are cured. It‟s bullshit! I have a real
problem with anti-depressants. I was on Prozac years ago because I told my
doctor I was feeling a little depressed and overwhelmed, and if you say the “D”
word to a doctor,…right on anti depressants you go. That shit messed me up
some much worse than I even thought I was depressed. I had every side effect
you could think of, and when it really kicked in , it turned me into a couch
potatoe zombie. I threw that shit in the trash after 3 weeks and never took it
again. In a sence it actually cured me and made me realize, “I don‟t need this
shit to make me happy!” I was just having a hard time at the time with work,
life, and ex-girlfriend, and I was “situationally depressed”, and I got over it with
a little help from some friends and a bag of mushrooms and 5 hours of much
needed gut-wrenching laughing. I was cured! I went on with my life and hadn‟t
had to take anything since, until I got locked up in the Phych Ward on the evil
4th floor. So now they think this shit is gonna “help” me again? Cure my anxiety,
depression, and lonlyness? I think NOT. I am gonna have to do this shit on my
own again, but this time I am REALLY in a more fucked up situation than I
ever expected.
         So pretty much I felt like Alida treated me more like a caring friend than
“the man of her dreams” who she still loves soo much. We got along Ok, but
everytime it was time for bed, we would kiss a few times, say we loved each other
and then snuggle till we went to sleep. I cried half the time, I‟ll admit, because it
just hurt soo bad that she was there and that I couldn‟t actually “be” with her. I
have only had sex once with her within the last year, and have been totally
faithful to her the whole time. I know we are 3000 miles away, but I guess I just
keep holding on hoping, but I have to realize we cant be together right now, and
I just have to let her go. Things will work out with us if they are supposed to. I
know she loves me and I love her, but things are just not to be right now, and
there is nothing I can do to change that because of my condition, unless a miracle
happens real quick, its gonna be a long time before I can get a new liver ( even if
I make it that long!) Fate will play the cards. I feel like I have no control over my
dreams, and wants and needs. I have no idea how it feels to “feel” normal
anymore. I can tell you its not a good feeling, but I deal with it dailey.

                                 Monday: 4-30-07

       I dropped off Alida at the airport this morning, she said she loved me, I
said the same, she waited then went through security, waved goodbye,
“mouthed” I love you…and she was gone.

Side note: My friend, Scrott that found me in the hotel room, right before the cops
and EMT’s showed up, told me the other night that he had talked to the cops and
one of the cops said I had the “wrong” bullets in my gun anyway! He said I had
“practice bullets” in the gun, and would have had to shoot myself multiple times to
actually do the job! What a dumb-ass I am. I couldn’t even get the bullets right!
That’s how much I know about guns. Duhhh! Man that would have hurt……

                              Tuesday: May 1, 2007

        I pretty much cried myself to sleep last night. I have been so emotional it
doent take much. I miss Alida already and I miss our closeness and intimacy we
used to have. I don‟t know if still talking to her everyday ( after she officially
broke up with me while she was here ) is helping me or just hurting me more. I
know I have to let her go for now until I get “better” which means getting a new
fucking liver, which may never happen now after all my relapses and topping it
all off with my last .47 suicide attempt phycho-ward stunt. Doctors are gonna
say “fuck him, we‟re not wasting a liver on a guy with a track record like that!”
I guess I don‟t blame them. But I am human and I have problems, and just
dealing with Cirrhosis itself is mentally killing me and my soul and my will. I am
in physical and mental anguish. I am in pain everyday and am miserably
depressed and lonely. I am sick of taking 11 different pills everyday, which give
me stomach aches, mood swings, and insomnia.
        I went to an AA meeting tonight, and the topic was joy and happiness. I
havnt been happy in a very long time, and if the phych doctors think a little
mind altering Lexepro pill is going to cure my depression and unhappiness,
THEY need to be on the shit and try it out themselves. I don‟t even know how it
feels to be “normal” anymore. I am trying to fight this but the disease if getting
the best of me, and when there is little chance I will live long enough to get on the
transplant list, let alone actually get a new liver when the doctor tells you you
have less than a year to live, its kinda hard to keep positive. It just makes me
wanna say fuckit, deal with the card I have been dealt, and just go get fucked up
and just get it over with! ( tears) I have many friends and loved ones that really
care about me, but they cant possibly understand what I am really going
through. I feel utterly alone.

  Chapter 20: A look Back at some Good Times & Some Good Life

        Let me step back and change the pace and attitude here. Things wernt
always as bad as they are now, and I wanted to share some good memories and
life experiences with you. Most of this covers my most memorable last 10 years.
But some other good things come to mind before also when I first moved to San
Diego, almost right out of high school. I moved to California mainly to surf and
hoped to become pro one day. I guess my aspirations were a little big at that
time, and I lost in many contests. But that definitely didn‟t keep me from surfing
almost everyday, and surfing well. I also started snowboarding, which I fell in
love with, and had already been skating ramps for a few years. But out in Cal, I
was introduced to the big boys, big ramps with spines, channels, hips, and full on
pool curves. For “entrance” into this guys ramp, which was an hour or so away
inland in Fontana, we had to bring a case of Coors Light and weed if we had it,
which we usually did. It was like Disneyland for skateboarding. Everything you
could want in a ramp in one big back yard. It was a great time. My main “run”
was to drop in on the 12‟ side, kickturn or sess slide on the 13‟ side and then
pump, get more speed, and catch frontside air over this huge gap. The guys
were saying I was getting 6‟ out sometimes, and I was landing about half of
them…the other half… you could here my pain in the crowd watching! Owwww.
       Other than that I surfed all the time everywhere in San Diego. I had a
bunch of good surfer party friends and had a good job ( for the time ) at La
Costa Resort and Spa doing banquets. By then we had a house ( more like the
boyz party/fun house that we partied at after we got off work till all hours of the
morning ( the girlfriends weren‟t real stoked on that) but check it out. We used
to have like bar Olympics! We had a pool table in the garage, a ping pong table
and foos ball table in the empty dining room, and two dart boards in the living
room. And a big old chalkboard saying who was next on what, and who won on
what. And the beer, pot, coke and meth just seemed to flow through the night. If
my girlfriend stayed over, I tried to make it into bed before her 6:00am alarm
went off. She partied too, but not like us. “we” were the 2pm-10pm shift, so we
could party all night then sleep in. That was a fun, but “abusive time”.
       During /inbetween that time I went skydiving 5 times, went and surfed
and partied in Rosarita, Baja many times, and even made it out of the country to
Vancouver/Banff, Canada to go snowboarding. God, what a beautiful place
Western Canada is. And also made may trips up to the local mountains to go
boarding. Also took a small Winnabego with loud tires and 5 other guys who
were totally funny and fun guys to Mammoth Mtn. for 4 days. The only problem
was that I broke a few ribs the very first morning of the trip and had to stick it
out. And these fuckers kept making me laugh and were just killing me. So
everytime I laughed, or coughed, or sneezed, it felt like my rib cage was going to
explode….but it was good fun!

     21: Surf adventures: Puert Rico, Panama, Costa Rica, BALI!
        I‟m glad to say I have taken may surf trips and a few to some tropical,
exotic countries I‟ve always wanted to surf, but have many more on my list (
especially if I make it through all this ) I went to Puerto Rico once while in art
school in Sarasota, FL and me and some buddies from the Chart House where
we worked caught great waves almost all 10 days we were there. That was a
great trip and a beautiful country. Then a few years later after moving back to
California, me and some old surf buddies from the Gulf Coast and California (
about 18 of us ) all re-united in Panama and went to a private island surf camp
called Morro Negrito and caught epic waves for a week solid. One day was 15-18
foot faces at this gnarly reef break, and I was scared as shit. But the place had 2
good reef breaks, a point break, a cobblestone beach break, a killer rivermouth
sand break, and a few sandy beachbreaks. So 18 of us had the whole camp to
ourselves because they would only book up to 20 people to accomadate per
week….that was a great trip! Me and a buddy, Brian went back the next year
only about 3 days after 9/11 and caught decent waves, but kinda got skunked on
that trip, so we left a few days early from the island and headed back to Panama
City for some real cocktails, some good coke, and a hotel with nice beds and hot
showers, which the island did not have.
         The next year at my birthday I met my love Alida, and a few months later
we went to Costa Rica, where I have always wanted to go. We caught decent
waves, stayed in pretty nice hotels and did some touristy things too, like
horseback riding through the jungle, zip-lining, and stayed at the Lake Arenal
Volcano. It was a nice couples trip, but I personanally didn‟t get enough
surftime in, but that was Ok. We went back to Costa Rica again the next year
and a girlfriend of Alida‟s, Sue, came with us. They and we bickered and fought
a bit, but this time I caught some pretty damn good waves and we stayed at some
cool places. That was a cool trip except for the girls being “girls”!
         Then the next year during a break/breakup between me and Alida, me
and my crazy-ass best friend, Hamster, went back to Costa Rica with the main
intent on going to the famed surf break Pavones down in southern Costa Rica,
almost at the tip. We rented a Land Cruiser and immediately Hamster wanted to
go to San Jose downtown and score some coke. So we did, very easily. Hamster
speaks pretty good Spanish…so we scored, and the “lines” and “wrist rockets”
and “key bumps” began..and didn‟t seem to stop the whole trip….shit most of
the time I just wanted to score some weed! I knew my way around Costa Rica a
little bit now, but was always warned about driving at night, but me and
Hamster were so jacked up that we said fuck it and started driving south. A few
hours into the 6 hour+ trip we were starting to round a corner when I saw some
big lights coming at us. I thought, “Oh he‟s just coming around the corner, so
that‟s why it looks like the lights are coming right at us.” But NO, in a split
second I had to pull off the road almost into a 4 foot ditch to let a psycho Costa
Rican bus driver pass by us in OUR lane! I watched his side view mirror miss us
by inches! If I hadn‟t pulled over, he would have hit us pretty much head-on.
Now I know why we wern‟t supposed to drive at night. FUCK! We were pretty
shaken up and Hamster said, “My friend, you just saved our lives!….wanna
bump?” Yep, and we kept driving on South towards Golfito where we were to
take the little river ferry across, and onto a road toward Pavones. Well we are
jacked and tired at the same time, and we see a little road sign that says Golfita,
so I get off on it, we pass a few little houses and cabina‟s, and then! Full on 4
wheel drive dirt, mud, sketchy river passes with broken bridges…we are
tripping, AND it was dark, almost sunrise. But we made it backwards into town.
And were lost but new we were at least in Golfito, but man, that was an
adventure all in itself. So we finally get decent directions on how the get to the
ferry paaing, and finally make it there too early. The ferry wasn‟t running for
another 2 hours, and we knew we were close and were ancy, but tired…so we
both did a few wrist rockets and started to “wait”. But then Hamster befriends a
little Catholic school girl and tells her wher we are going, and she says she can
show us the other way, and that she will be late for Escuela . But if we gave her a
ride to school, which was on the way, she would show/tell us how to get to
Pavones from there. She was really sweet, and cute, but only about 14, but
Hamster was rapping to her in coked out Spanish while I drove, and she just
told me left or right…I was a mess by then. Hung over, tired, and jacked
up…fun! I just wanted to get there. We had been driving for about 6-7 hours,
which in California would have taken us 3, but the roads were so bad most of the
trip, and it was slow going. No cruising to work at 80 mph. We finally got to her
school, and dropped her off and she was very thankful, and told us how to get
the rest of the way. Her little school girlfriends were pointing and giggling, like
“Damn, Chica, you took a ride from some loco gringo surfers!?” She waved and
smiled and ran off to school. On we pressed per her directions and a few
signs.When we thought we were totally lost, we finally dropped in from a hillside
and started to see water, and the final road into the tiny little town of Pavones.
We pulled up next to the famous Cantina at about 7 in the mornig and it was
reeling, head high to a few feet over head. But we were so tired and bunrt out
that all we both wanted was to find a cheap cabina with AC, unload our gear,
and take a much needed nap! EVEN Hamster wanted to sleep! And the surf was
clean and going off.
        We found a cool little place that had 2 beds, a bathroom and shower,
AND A/C for 10 $ a night…were were like “We‟l take it.” We wearily unloaded
all of our bags and surfboards, locked the door and crashed till about Noon!
Upon awakings I here Hamster putting on fins to boards, and waxin up with the
Tropical Sticky Bumps. You could kinda see the surf from our places through
the palms, and it already looked like the swell had dropped. FUCK! It was one of
those scenariors that was like” Bro, you should have been here last week! It was
double overhead, breaking for 400 yards and perfect!” FUCK! My luck again.
But we woke up and went out anyway, and there was still some really fun, long
waves coming through!

                                ( To be continued)

                     Chaper 22: The Cali boys cometh!
                               Friday: May 4, 2007

         Had some good ol‟ work friends from my old company I worked at come
out for the weekend to see me just for a few days. I was touched because they
only spent the weekend then had to get back.
         The Crew:
         Eddie ( way cool muthfucker, mellow, but teaches a Navy Seal type fight
class to kill or incompassitate. One of the best artist/drawers ( out of his head)
that I have ever met! Great guy.
         Antonio: great “real” friend that I befriended at Red Zone along with
the rest of these clowns. Very serious about his beliefs and anal the same way,
but that is how he is , and it makes him the “real” friend that he is. He is a punk
though, and always fucked with me, in his way, but I introduced him to his love
of his life and now wife Dana! So he doesn‟t fuck with me so much anymore…he
owes me one…hahahaha
         Dana-dane ( she is the only one who will let me call her that) Antonio‟s
wife, my old neighbor. I hooked them up…and the rest is history. She is an
awesome girl, and they have a great marriage. She is a sweetheart and I am so
happy for them.
        Denny( The Crackmaster) We used to wrk to gether too. Funny mellow
guy always goin with the flow. We call him the crack master because he is a whiz
ar cracking and pirating many different expensive softwares. He is the man you
go see when you “need” something.
        Fish (Jason) He was a pretty new guy to join our team but fit right in to
our chaos and shit talking. We called him fish because he was new AND was a
vegetarian and all he at was seafood and veggies,
        Everybody had to have a nickname at out work. It was great! We would
all fuck with each other abd draw each other on the whiteboards, and do our
work, but it was a fun place to work until Sony took over.
        Their stay out her was very short, but at least they all came and saw me. I
showed them around for a could of days, mainly the beach and some good
restaraunts, we gorge ourselves on Satursay night at “Crabs”. We had 3 orders
of peel and eat shimp, 2-3 dozen raw oysres ( which I couldn‟t partake) and then
most of us ordered the King Crab legs or Crab Combo. Along with some Red
Stripes and Corona for the crew, I introduced them to Pensacola‟s infamous
“Bushwaker” ( contains: vodaka, rum, kalua, dard cream de cocoa, icemilk or
icecreme (Vanilla) and toped with a shot of 151.) they were a hit but snuck up on
everybody and they all got pretty lit by he end of dinner.
        The weather was beautiful on Saturday, so before dinner we pretty hung
out all day on the beach, and caught up, and rehashed over some funny-ass work
and party stories.
        They all left on Sunday afternoon, and it was great to see them all, even
        Then the next day my friend Renee, from Sarasota drops by on her way
bak to NYE York/Brooklyn to take a rest and see me for a few days. That was
nice, cause she had heard of all the shit I have been going hrough, but didn‟t just
me. So It was very therapeutic to talk to her and really let her know and try to
understand what I am feeling and going through. She was very receptive and
understaning, but also very touched and hurt to realize what my daily life is
like….it was good to talk to her and ge it out.
        After dinner we wached some “Mind of Mencia” which she hadn‟t even
seen befoe, so she really got a crack out of that. Then we just chilled…shared
some IPOD songs, and eventually went to bed.
        Had a small breakfast (which I usually do ) so before she left I tokk her to
some good ol‟ local BBQ Billy Bobs; she loved it, we sid good bye, she left and
went to an interview at the Pensacola Beach Hilton Garden Inn for banquets, It
seemed to go pretty well, but still no call back yet. The story of my life!

                             ( Continued Costa Rica Story)
       So me and Hamster stayed there a few day. We were actually trying to
track down the writer, Alen Weisbecker to say hello, and possibly talk about
some real estate down there, but unfortunately he was in the US dealing with his
own book problems. So we stayed at the litlle cabina for about 4-5 days, surfed
some not-so Pavones waves, but met some cool locals and some tourists, Billy-
Boy and Chris the Thief. I also was out taking pictures, and ther was a beautiful
mural on one wall that I recognized that art style next to a surf shop. So I asked
the owner if Alex Lanua did this one, and he said, “Yeah, yer standing right next
to him!” So that was an honor to meet him out of the blue at the end of the road.
He was the original artist who did a huge mural in Dominical, CR and also was
from San Diego and did the famed mural on the side of the Thrusters bar in
Pacific Beach.
        We talked for awhile and said “See you around!” Cool guy.
        We were driving further south to see if we could find some surf, cause
Pavones‟s take almost a direct South to break perfectly and wrap around into
the bay. So me , Hamster, Billy-boy, and Chris the thief were heading down the
dirt road full of puddles, potholes, little rivers, etc. when we see 2 american
looking tourist girs walking down the road in the middle of no-where. So We
stoped, asked them if they need I lift and they sid great! One was American, the
other a Kiwi. They explained to us that they were down there to help save the
new baby offspring turtles, and were with about 5 other people doing the same,
we thought cool, what a nice feeling to know all these hippie freaks were down
here to save the turtles. But they showed us there garden of nests, and really
knew what they were doing, so that was very cool.
        Then they said, “Would you like to go see the secret waterfall for a swim
before you go surf? And we were like hell yeah. So the whole house crew ( about
5 guys and 4 girls and us freaks) went on a 1 mile trek through the jungle, and
came across a beautiful waterfall. It was so nice, cool, and refreshing!
        We walked back and they said there was a party at a local bar that night
in the little town, and asked if we‟d like to come. We said sure, then went for a
much needed surf in some head-2-3 over surf right by the turtle farm. Then
went back, stopped at our local bar by then, ordered some carnitas asada soupa
and a bottle of rum. Where we had befriended the big owner who called himself
“El Grande Perro! The Big Dog.” He was an awesome guy and totally hooked us
up….i tipped him well everytime to make sure.

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