saving a marriage by ray87989611


									This book goes against conventional marriage

Yet the author, Lee Baucom Ph.D has a much higher success rate using his own system
than he had when he was using the traditional methods he was trained in. Some of the
traditional methods seemed to make things worse, or at the very least accomplish nothing,
so what does a smart man do?
Find out what works and start using it!
This is a 159 page ebook, and with his conversational writing style and non academic
approach it is easy to follow his reasoning and see his points.

                 save your marriage right now

About Lee Baucom
The man who reinvented marriage counselling
The highly successful ebook "Save the Marriage" has, according to author Lee Baucom,
Ph.D helped over 41,000 people overcome their marital struggles.

His ideas are somewhat radical, and may appear to go against traditional marriage
counselingmethods. Although he is traditionally trained in marriage counselling, he just
didn´t get the results he was looking for.

He therefore set out to reinvent the profession.

5 years later he finally had something that worked. Not only has the success rate
drastically improved, but now he has a unique trick up his sleeve: Only one motivated
spouse is enough for his methods to work.

                save your marriage right now

A taste of Lee Baucoms wisdom
Let´s hear what the man has to say on marriage.

                    Words of Lee Baucom:

How is your marriage doing? Are you and your spouse where you want to be, or are you
wanting to improve upon your situation? Marital advice can be found many place, but true
help for your marriage can be rare.
This series of four articles is designed to give you advice from my years as a therapist.
Hopefully, you will find the advice practical for helpingyou save or improve your
relationship. I'll skip the theory and go straight to help.

Rule 1: Don't Take Everything Personally

Just yesterday, I was speaking to a couple that illustrated this point. The wife said that if
she walked in and said "the sky is certainly blue today," her husband would immediately
jump up and say "It's not my fault!"

Part of the difficulty with marriage is that we are in close proximity with the same person
for extended periods of time. We are well-acquainted with the idiosyncracies of that

And over time, we find shortcuts to communication -- some good and some destructive. In
fact, we do arguments by shortcut, and this generally involves taking things personally. I
remember working with a couple that showed this. They entered into my office in good
moods, but told me how arguments never get resolved. I asked for an example.
They looked at each other, and the woman turned to me and said "the lawnmower." With
two words, they launched into an angry response with each other! The tide turned sharply,
and I suddenly had two people furious with each other. They took the shortcut to their
conflict. And with it, they took the conflict personally.

My first rule of marriage is to not take everything personally. If a spouse is in a bad mood,
don't assume that it is your fault.

In fact, you are probably better off assuming it is not you. We all have some insecurity
over our spouse loving us, even in the best of marriages, so when the spouse seems
distant or angry, we tend to fear it is about us.

The problem is that when we assume it is personal, we tend to respond in defensive ways.
Back to my couple and the blue sky: since he took his wife's comments personally, he was
always responding with defensive anger. The problem with that is it triggered his wife's
anger because she took what he said personally. Suddenly, there was a communication
loop that was going back-and-forth between them, escalating the frustration and anger.

When that happened, nothing positive was possible. Rather, they began to assume the
worst about the other person and the relationship. Isn't it interesting that when they started
with taking things personally, it led to a loss of faith in the relationship?

Now, there is a corollary to this rule: "Take some things personally." Some pop-psychology
has gone to an extreme and said "take nothing personally." But sometimes, we need to
hear what our spouse has to say. When a spouse says something critical, harsh, or angry,
we can do several things.
First, we could ignore it. But over and over, I have heard spouses at the end of a marriage
say "why didn't you do something when I told you about this long ago?" In other words,
their spouse ignored some important feedback for so long, it destroyed the relationship (or
at least contributed). Many times, a spouse, at the very end, tries to make the necessary
changes, but it happens months or years too late. So, ignoring it won't work.

Second, we can respond to everything. This can be the epitome of taking everything
personally. When a spouse seems angry, this person would immediately try to find some
way of reducing the anger. If a spouse says something critical, this spouse would
immediately try to change it. Unfortunately, this creates an extremely destructive pattern
where one becomes responsible for the emotional state of the spouse, and therefore for
the future of the marriage.

Third, and the best option: we assume our spouse's emotional state is not as a result of us.
But, we assess whether what our spouse says has merit. In other words, we don't take
everything personally, but are open to consider that we may need to change.

Using the third option, we start with a less reactive posture. But we don't build a wall that
keeps out all suggestions. Instead, we consider the truth of suggestions or complaints
made by a spouse, and make changes where necessary. This could be thought of as a
proactive (rather than reactive) stance. We seek to change what we need to change, but
without assuming that everything needs to change.

When we choose to not take everything personally, we regain our own health, and help to
restore the help of the relationship. So, seek to not take everything personally, but don't
make the mistake of taking nothing personally.

                 save your marriage right now

As you can see, Lee Baucom has a refreshing approach to marriage counseling. You
won´t find this kind of radical thinking anywhere else.

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