1-24-05 Wow, that's weird. Here's the letter I got: Dear Chiefs Season Ticket Holder Born Every Minute: The obvious is that our 2004 football season was not what anyone, Chiefs' players, coaches, fans or President-GM-CEO-illustrious Potentate anticipated or desired. Losing means loss of momentum, loss of interest, loss of attendance, loss of revenue. A lot, a really really lot of revenue. As we all know, coming off of a 13-3 season in 2003, winning the AFC West Division and participating in the 2004 playoffs gave great expectations to all of us. Let me repeat that so that this year doesn't seem as disgusting as it actually was: As we all know, coming off of a 13-3 season in 2003, winning the AFC West Division and participating in the 2004 playoffs gave great expectations to all of us. When I say "participated" I mean everybody except our punt returner. Sorry about that. Our 2004, 7-9 season, although filled with many exciting games at Arrowhead and on the road, was most disappointing. Disappointing, disappointing, disappointing. It's tough to continue on our calculated program to raise ticket and parking prices, uh... I mean there are always many reasons for losing but no excuses in our business. Except we had some bad luck, such as Kris Wilson got hurt. And Mike Maslowski got hurt. And Priest Holmes got hurt. And John Welbourn got hurt. And Marc Boerigter got hurt. And Shawn Barber got hurt. And Vonnie Holliday got hurt. Besides that, there are no excuses. We are currently in the process of looking at all reasons for our lack of success in 2004, and will make every attempt to "get things right" in 2005. Don't get too excited. It's just an attempt. I'll also attempt to juggle six bottles of Jagermeister and shoot flaming, gaseous lightning out of my ass during the pre-game show on opening day. But I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.
Looking ahead to 2005 there is much to anticipate. We firmly believe that after one full year with Gunther’s defense, our defensive player personnel and coaches will be improved. We may go from being the 31st in the NFL in total defense to, say 29th or 28th in total defense. And Gunther has said he'll try to get by on only three hours of sleep a night instead of his usual four. As usual, we will look to free agency, the college draft, arena leagues, Shrine Temple Circuses and Medium Security Prisons to acquire, replace, wash, spin, rinse and replenish some of our players, both on the defensive and offensive sides of the football. We may use Heisman Trophy phenom Eric Crouch to replentish both the defensive and offensive side of the ball. That way I only have to negotiate one contract all winter. Hey, with my multiple titles, I'm a busy man. Somebody has to bust Volume Services balls over what they charge us for paper cups and liquid cheese for the nachos. And we all know nachos are more important to re-building our running game than ever before. Obviously, our 2004 league-leading offense was another outstanding accomplishment by our coaches and players. Especially that last game in San Diego. Whooo-eee! We do not anticipate losing any of our offensive starters from that 2004 offense, and hopefully can repeat being in the top echelon in the NFL in offense. Being in the top eshelon doesn't mean we'll win, we'll just be admired by those who like eshelons. The performance by many of our young offensive players (e.g., Larry Johnson, Samie Parker, and Kris Wilson), gives us added and exciting depth. It increases our balance, tone, volume, bass and treble. It allows us to cross fade from front to back. It's all very very exciting indeed. As Chiefs season-ticket holders, you can anticipate a very exciting and challenging home schedule. Of course, the real challenge will be coming up with four hundred bucks every four weeks to make your payment installments on time, just like last year. Besides the usual AFC West opponents, we host the New England Patriots, Philadelphia Eagles, and New York Jets (all division
winners) at Arrowhead in 2005. So we're like, oh and three right there... There is no place in the NFL comparable to Arrowhead Stadium to create noise and excitement, which presents a tremendously difficult environment for our Chiefs’ opponents. Especially when we fly that Stealth Bomber overhead. This year, we plan to do flyovers as the opponent is on offense. That ought to shake up their audibles and blitz pickup schemes! As a Chiefs season-ticket holder, you once again will have priority to purchase tickets to three exciting college football games at Arrowhead in 2005. Lamar and I are personally pleased that after many years of effort, we will now have for the first time in their school’s history both the University of Missouri and the University of Kansas visiting Arrowhead. The three games, Arkansas State University vs. the University of Missouri on September 3, Oklahoma University vs. the University of Kansas on October 15, and Northwest Missouri State University vs. Pittsburgh State University on October 29, will all display excellent, quality, and exciting college football. And we promise we'll check each and every team for potential cover corners. God knows we don't have any. Finally, as you know, we have made the decision not change ticket or parking prices for 2005 because we always want to be receptive to the needs of the greatest fans in all of pro football. And we'd like to keep our testicles, thank you very much. Again, we thank you for your continuing financial support. We like money, a really really really lot. We now have season ticket holders in 48 states, District of Columbia, Canada, Puerto Rico and several state and private institutions. We look forward to the 2005 football season at Arrowhead and seeing your check in the mail. You look forward to your next Visa statement. It'll be brutal.
Sincerely, your pal Carl D. Peterson President CEO GM Poop Does Not Stink Poobah