SPC III: Sympathy Notes or Notes of Condolence
Sympathy notes are another of the conventionalized forms of writing we all will need to do in our professional-personal-social lives unfortunately. This is clearly a case where it’s the thought that counts. It is not so much exactly what one says that matters as the fact that one has taken the time to send a personal, well-worded, hand-written note. It tells someone that you care and that he or she has your support during a very sad time. Good writers include certain things and avoid certain things in notes of condolence. Here are some suggestions and observations: 1) The stationery: a) should be rather formal. (It definitely should not be three-hole punched, lined, or for general writing purposes.) The preferred stationery is a card that has “In Sympathy” (or some such sentiment) on the outside. Unlined note paper or cards with subdued tones and few embellishments (no bright colors, “cheery” illustrations, or scenery) are generally considered okay. b) is usually folded once height-wise to be about 4” x 6”. The note is frequently (and most “properly”) written only on the bottom half of the inside. c) should include an envelope that is matched in color and size to the note paper or card. 2) The salutation or opening: a) should be written “Dear Orville”. “Dear” is the conventional greeting (even in more business-like forms). b) should use first names and no titles -- not “Dear Mr. Condol” or even “Dear Orville Condol” -- whenever one is on a first-name basis with the person he/she is writing . If you want to include the bereaved children or others, you could write “Dear Orville and Family”. c) should end with a comma -- not a colon or semicolon. 3) The body of the note: a) can be short but should not be so brief that seems merely perfunctory, which sends the message “I am doing this because I feel it is expected – not because I care”. It is not necessary to write much however. A few well-worded and heartfelt sentences are best. b) does not need to start with a phrase like “I am writing to express...”, “I would like to extend...”, etc. Most of those words are superfluous, and one is certainly not doing something that one “likes” to do in this case. Besides, it is generally better to start any letter or note with “You”, rather than with “I”. c) should not use the phrase “your wife, Thana”. Unless Orville had more than one wife (or more than one Thana has died recently), you won’t need to indicate which wife (or which Thana) is being considered. This is facetious, of course, but it is improper, incorrect, or at least superfluous to write “your wife, Thana”. Within any sentence, just refer to the deceased as Thana or “your wife”. (This same rule applies to any situation where one is writing to someone about spouse, children, boss, or whatever. One generally can/should identify the person spoken of by name or title/role but not both.) d) does not need to make any reference to the cause of the death (and should not substitute causes for “death”, as in “I was so sorry to hear of your wife’s accident, illness, murder, suicide, car crash, etc.”). The recipient will be all-too-painfully aware of the particulars of the beloved one’s death. By the way, it is generally better to use “death” than to use stilted words like “expiring”, “departure”, or “leaving this world”. (Our society seems to avoid the “d” word.) e) will convey sympathy but should not try to relate too closely to the experience that the bereaved ones are having. Don’t say “I know just how you feel” or anything that seems to imply that. Even if we do (and we often don’t), it is not a great consolation. By the way, don’t dwell on your grief, but on the grief or loss of the bereaved ones.
f) should say something nice about the deceased. There is no need to take space to say “I didn’t know her very well, but...” Just say something that is genuine and kind. “Thana was such a lovely, giving person.” “Thana was so highly respected by all who knew her.” “I remember how Thana was so kind to...” “She was such a wonderful mother and community member...” g) should not make specific offers to help the bereaved through their bereavement. Unless one is a licensed counselor, he/she should probably do little more than offer sympathy and make generic offers like “If there is anything that I can do, please do not hesitate to call on me.” h) if one feels so moved and knows that the recipient is religious, make appropriate comments about spiritual/religious matters. Be careful about using words that would be appropriate only in a Christian context if the recipient might be Jewish, Muslim, or even atheist. In most cases, comments like “I will be praying for you and your family” would be very much appreciated by (or, at worst, be inoffensive to) persons of any (or no) religious persuasion. 4) The closing: a) can be “Sincerely”, “With sympathy”, “Thinking of you”, etc. Don’t make it either too informal or too “gushy”. The closing has a comma, and then your signature. b) should be signed with your first and last name. Orville may be getting notes from more than one person with the same first name as yours. (This is different than the thankyou note, where the particulars of the note will usually make perfectly clear to the addressee who is writing.) 5) Penmanship (such notes are always hand-written): a) should be cursive. (Cursive is much more correct or “proper” than printing in a sympathy note.) b) should be neat. Write slowly (if necessary) and clearly. This is a “gift” to the recipient. You want its appearance to be representative of your genuinely sympathetic feelings. It says something else if the note is sloppy, smudged, illegible, or has misspellings, crossthroughs, and write-overs. Remember: Notes of sympathy say “you matter” and “I care” without actually saying it. They should always say (in some way or other) “your loss is great” and “the deceased will be missed”. A generic offer of help to more-or-less casual acquaintances or colleagues is okay, but not expected. It’s the thought that counts.