Best of Craigs List Funny postings

Best of Craig’s Lists Older Women seeking Younger Man Date: 2003-09-09, 3:32PM PDT SWF-society matron, 79 years young,, thrice-dvorced, financially comfortable, enjoys winding amongst the lush gables of the La Jolla coast, sipping champagne to the earthen rays of sunrise and daily colonics.. Looking for a SWM , 29 or under, with gluteus hollows so deep you may hold the morning Sevruga without it running off the curves of your graded haunches. As my passion and respirator is unleashed, you will take my convulsive nakedness to a bath of nasal-clearing eucalyptus and primrose, where you, of stout member and liver function, may partake in oil of wormwood, a forbidden potion of desire that will leave you sentient for me and temporarily blinded for you. That's the last time I drink vodka out of a watermellon Date: 2003-03-28, 4:44PM PST I woke up in the tub. My bed was covered with guacamole (I hope). There was a pair of panties in the microwave and my dog won't look me in the face. If someone can jog my memory I may find some peace. Mr. "probably going staight to hell" I know ye all to well – Grunting Man in Gym Date: 2005-03-29, 11:58AM PST Every morning you walk in I practically cringe at the sight of you Wearing the t-shirt you‟ve worn since your sophomore year in high school You‟ve clearly out-grown this tattered faded blue upper garment Riddled with holes and permanent sweat stains You cling to it, like its fabric clings to your pregnant belly Your shorts, oh dear Lord your shorts Too damn short for your own good My eyes, my eyes, shield them These brown daisy duke disasters, they leave nothing to the imagination And yet you were them every fucking day! Constant reminders to me that, yes you are a man My you have grown I can see your nuts and the outline of your penis If I had the nerve I would gouge out my own eyes You begin… Strutting in the direction of the free weights 40 pounds over weight, your gut leads the way and your ass jiggles with glee I can‟t help but watch Like one of those horrible car accidents on the side of the freeway I am mesmerize Sure I have seen it before, but damn you and your gripping jiggling, it pulls me in You begin… A bench press – the horror ensues. You press a meager 50 pounds But you grunt, groan, scream and hurl profanities “Shit, fuck, oh damn, arrghh, yeah fuck, whew!” This continues for the duration of an ENTIRE SET! Each exercise is the same A series of reps accompanied by a slur of obscenities and then it happens The horrid moment everyone at the gym dreads We can‟t look away We know the moment is coming And you never let us down – God bless your chubby ass You bend over for the stretch The infamous „end of routine‟ stretch The back of your shorts drenched in ass sweat Your nuts proudly hanging from your shorts (that are way too fuckin‟ short) And you rip one – you rip a loud one A loud obnoxious, angry, from the bowels of hell… F A R T! And then you take your leave As I and other patrons are left, once again stunned, bewildered Shaking our heads in utter disbelief We are left mere shells of our former selves We silently curse you – fat bastard – fat bastard who comes in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday We will meet again. this is in or around Northpark PostingID: 66003743 Dear Jolly Ranchers Date: 2007-03-28, 10:05AM PDT Dear Makers of Jolly Ranchers, I just thought you should know that nobody (NOBODY) ever eats any of the blue raspberry flavored Jolly Ranchers from the candy dish on our reception counter in our office. EVER. When it's time to re-fill the candy dish, there are always those ugly nonappetizing blue raspberry fuckers all abandoned at the bottom of the dish. I have my opinions on why this phenomenon occurs. For one, that color should not be associated with food. It was really a bad idea. That flavor just screws up the whole assorted flavors bag and I was just wondering if perhaps there is a group of blue raspberry advocates somewhere that have convinced you to continue to make these? I have been the candy bitch here for going on two years and I am just at a loss. What do I do with all these neglected, disgusting, blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers? I almost want to send them back to you, so that you can send them on to the blue raspberry fan club. I used to gather them up sadly from the bottom of the dish and put them aside in this other cup. I don't like to be wasteful. Now I simply throw them away as soon as they come tumbling out of the bag into the candy dish. Quite frankly, I have never even tasted one of these things. They could taste awesome! Aside from the fact that nobody has ever HEARD of a blue raspberry, I'm sure they taste quite good. I just can't bring myself to put that radioactive nuclear flourescent unnatural color into my mouth. I'm pretty sure my teeth and gums would probably be stained blue. I think at the very least, you should consider changing the color of the blue raspberry Jolly Rancher. Maybe just eliminate the blue part altogether. By the way, what's wrong with good ole plain raspberry? Now that's a good flavor. I know you already have cherry and watermelon flavors hogging up the red category, but surely you could come up with something. To be honest, the bright neon blue color really fucks up the feng shui of my candy dish, with its appetizing array of purple, green, red and red Jolly Ranchers, co-mingling with the ever-popular Reese's PB cups, Hershey's miniatures and Hershey's Nut Lovers miniatures. The Twix and the M&Ms hardly ever stay in the dish long enough to look pretty, but that is to be expected. Fed Ex delivery folks and office visitors of all ilk pounce on those like they are hundred dollar bills. On a completely unrelated note, perhaps it's time for me to start looking for a more exciting job. Thank you for your time. And remember, nobody wants to eat flourescent blue candy. Sincerely, The Receptionist   Location: The Candy Dish it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 301953698