Rasmus P Nielsen
The Shadow
We all have a dark side—a shadow self much different from our “public self” or persona. Our dark side or Shadow is made up of those aspects of ourselves that we have repressed or rejected because we have come to believe that they are unacceptable to those around us. The concept of the dark side or Shadow was first brought to our attention by the famous psychoanalyst Carl Jung. Jung proposed that as humans, we all contain within ourselves a whole spectrum of urges and potential behavior, but society, religion, and our parents reinforce some behavior and discourage others. Our shadow usually begins to form early in childhood when we learn from our parents and other authority figures that certain emotions and behaviors are unacceptable. In order to avoid punishment and to gain approval, we learn to repress these emotions and avoid these behaviors. For example, girls often learn that the expression of anger is unacceptable; boys often learn that crying is unacceptable. Thus, anger and assertiveness often becomes part of a girl’s shadow and vulnerability and weakness become part of a boy’s shadow. These rejected or disowned qualities do not cease to exist simply because they have been denied direct expression. Instead, they live on within us—out of sight, out of mind, but nevertheless real—and form the secondary personality that psychology calls the Shadow. Those who feel they had to disown or repress many aspects of themselves in order to be accepted by their parents and/or society in general, will have a very large shadow. Our dark side is made up of forbidden thoughts and feelings, undesirable and thus rejected personality traits, and all the violent and sexual tendencies we consider evil, dangerous, or forbidden. Each of us contains both a Dr. Jekyll and a Mr. Hyde—a more pleasant persona for everyday wear and a hiding, nighttime self that remains hushed up most of the time. Negative emotions and behaviors—rage, jealousy, shame, resentment, lust, greed, suicidal and murderous tendencies—lie concealed just beneath the surface, masked by our more proper selves. Sometimes we are aware of our dark side, and out of fear of being propelled into acting in ways that we will regret, we consciously work on pushing down and controlling our more prurient or unacceptable urges. More often, though, we are entirely unaware of our dark side.
A Duplicity of Life In the classic Robert Louis Stevenson story, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, an upstanding, tee-totaling, philanthropic doctor turns into a womanizing, drinking, murderous scoundrel—seemingly overnight. In addition to this being an engaging tale, it is also much, much more. It is a metaphor for a phenomenon that is all too common—the fact that socalled “good” people often have a dark side, a part of themselves they keep hidden from themselves and others. In some cases, this dark side actually forms a distinct personality radically different from their public persona. Ironically, it is often those who stand out as the “most” moral, the most kind, and the most magnanimous who are the most likely to fall. It is, in fact, a rule of nature that the higher up on a pedestal we put ourselves or allow others to put us, the farther we have to fall. For those of you who haven’t read this story (and for those who read it a long time ago) here is the basic plot: Dr. Jekyll worried a little too much about how others perceived him. He had an investment in being viewed by others as a pillar of the community but secretly he had the desire to act out some of his darker urges. And so he concocted a brew that would allow him to venture into the dark side of human nature, experience its forbidden pleasures, and then return to his more “acceptable” self, seemingly unscathed. Most important, he didn’t have to take responsibility for what his darker self did during his excursions.
While many people are like the original Dr. Jekyll who completed his transformation in the darkness of night, with no one else witnessing his change, other people change their personality or experience their mood shifts in front of others. For example, a normally pleasant, amiable man can suddenly turn into an insulting, abusive monster devastating his wife with his sharp criticism of her, going on a rampage and destroying property, or even becoming physically abusive. A typically loving, patient mother can suddenly burst into a rage, calling her children horrible names, throwing objects across the room, even driving off without them to teach them a lesson. Sometimes a person’s duality shows up in the fact that they act radically different depending upon whom they are around. Many show one face to their friends and the public while showing another to their partner or family. And some people actually live double lives. They may be highly respected elected officials, philanthropists or even members of the clergy who hide a dark side to their personality that causes them to act in ways that would be shocking and hurtful to those who hold them in such high regard, or they may create dual identities so they can participate in activities that are unacceptable in normal society. We often see this occur with ministers who have affairs outside their marriage and politicians like Senator Craig who seem to go against everything they stand for.
How Do We Find Our Shadow? Women, in particular, often hide their dark side behind a mask of sweetness, innocence, and fragility. While looking honestly at your dark side may threaten you, it will also enlighten and empower you, as well as help you to recognize your own tendency to lie, dominate, control, and even abuse. You may, in fact, have the very same qualities that you find so unacceptable and repulsive in others. For example, your intolerance for the shallowness, self-centeredness, and manipulative qualities of someone in your life may be a signal that you have buried or rejected these very qualities within yourself. We find our shadow: ·In slips of the tongue. ·In our impulsive and inadvertent acts ·(“Oops, I didn’t mean to say that.”). ·In our humor, especially our sarcasm or dark humor. ·In our exaggerated feelings about others (“I ·just can’t believe he would do that!”). ·In our exaggerated anger about other people’s faults. ·In negative feedback from others who serve as mirrors. n those interactions in which we continually have the same troubling effect on several different people. In situations in which we are humiliated. In the story The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, we see the internal conflict between self and ideal self, the conflict between good and bad, and the conflict between ego and shadow. The reason Dr. Jekyll lead such a double life was that he had aimed too high. He wanted respect, honor, and distinction, and to be highly regarded in society. In order to gain (and maintain) this adulation, he believed he needed to hide any less-than-perfect aspects of himself. The truth is, had Dr. Jekyll understood that no human being can be perfect, that we all have a dark side, he might have been able to embrace his darker urges instead of disowning them. It was his shame at having his darker urges that intensified them and caused Dr. Hyde to be created. This was his evaluation of what happened to him.
How Do We Deal With Our Shadow? How do we manage our Shadow so it doesn’t burst out of us and cause havoc in our lives and the lives of others? Here are some practical suggestions: 1 - Stop trying to be perfect or “all good.” No one can live up to this unreasonable standard and by trying you end up stuffing down aspects of yourself that make you a real, compassionate, human being. 2 - Allow yourself to feel and express your less than “happy” feelings, such as anger and sadness. No one is happy all the time, we all experience anger, fear, sadness and guilt from time to time. By repressing or suppressing these so-called “negative” feelings, we not only lose touch with ourselves but can set up a situation where these feelings can burst out of us at unexpected times.
3 - Stop pretending that everything is wonderful in your life. All too often in our attempts to be spiritually “enlightened,” we feel we need to push down so-called
negative feelings, especially in front of others. No one can be an authentic human being and be cheerful and happy all the time. 4 - Identify your shadow aspects and find safe, creative ways of allowing it to be acted out. Painting, sculpting, and writing are all wonderful avenues for expressing our dark side without hurting anyone. 5 - Use the opportunity that Halloween and costume balls affords you by dressing up as a villain or witch—let your dark side out to howl!
Exercise: Identifying Your Shadow 1 - List all the qualities you do not like in other people (e.g. conceit, selfishness, short temper, greed, bad manners). 2 - Take a look at your list and note which of these characteristics you find most offensive in others—those qualities that you not only dislike but despise, hate or loathe. Circle these items. The items you have circled is a fairly accurate picture of your own personal Shadow. For example, if you circled selfishness as one of those traits that you simply cannot stand, and you tend to adamantly criticize others for this quality, you would do well to examine your own behavior to see if perhaps you too tend to be selfish. Dr. Carl Jung explained that when we feel repulsed by a quality or characteristic of another, it is because we are confronting something in ourselves that we find objectionable, something with which we ourselves struggle. Not all criticisms of others are projections of our own undesirable Shadow traits. But any time our response to another person involves excessive emotions or overreaction, we can be sure that something unconscious has been activated. If your partner is sometimes selfish, for example, there is a certain degree of reasonableness about your being offended by his behavior. But in true Shadow projection, your condemnation of him will far exceed his demonstration of the fault. We also often judge and are critical of those who are doing what we secretly wish we could do. Only by finding and redeeming those wishes and traits that we chronically deny in ourselves can we move toward wholeness and healing. The Lessons of Our Dark Side or Shadow There are many lessons for us all in the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The primary lesson is that we need to re-define the concept of “good.” For example, instead of thinking of being good as always being polite, caring, selfless, following all the rules and always thinking of others, I offer the following healthier concepts of “goodness”: ·It’s good to express our emotions ·It’s good to be ourselves. ·It’s good to admit our imperfections. ·It’s good to give up the goal of “goodness” for the goal of “wholeness.” There are many other lessons in learning to own our shadow, including: 1 - There is no such thing as an “all good” person. By coming to understand that no one is “all good,” we can begin to put less pressure on ourselves to be “perfect.” When we come to understand that we are all capable of committing selfish or cruel acts, we can begin to be less judgmental of ourselves when we make mistakes or behave in uncharacteristic ways. We will also be more compassionate and less judgmental of others for not being perfect. 2 - A rich vitality lies bottled up beneath our “acceptable” personality and only by finding and redeeming those wishes and traits that we chronically deny in ourselves can we move toward wholeness and healing.
Exploring and owning our dark side makes us whole, transforming us not into monsters but into more empathetic, less judgmental “human” beings. 3 - When we are detached from our dark side we are also detached from the wonderful things the dark side offers us—passion, depth, creativity, sensuous pleasures, and a sense of humor. Our dark side is a goldmine of depth, richness, substance, knowledge, creativity, insight,and power. As Carl Jung said, the dark side is 90% gold. As Connie Zweig and Jerimiah Abrams explained in Meeting the Shadow, a right relationship with the Shadow offers us a great gift—it leads us back to our buried potential. By becoming involved in Shadow work, a term they coined to refer to the continuing effort to develop a creative relationship with the Shadow, we can: - Achieve a more genuine self-acceptance based on a more completeknowledge of who we are. - Defuse the negative emotions that erupt unexpectedly in our daily lives. - Feel more free of the guilt and shame associated with our negative feelings and actions. - Recognize the projections that color our opinion of others - Heal our relationships through more honest self-examination and direct communication. - Use the creative imagination via dreams, drawing, writing and rituals to own the disowned self.
I have presented just a taste of what shadow-work can do in this article. I encourage you to continue exploring this powerful tool by reading more books on the Shadow such as Meeting the Shadow.