M005 Dealing With Difficult People Handout by vev19514


									                                        AYSO CONFLICT RESOLUTION
                    Conflicts are a normal and healthy part of everyone’s life, and specifically
                    when you are a member of an AYSO regional board. Since conflicts will occur,
                    what is important is how we, as volunteers, understand, resolve, and learn
                    from them. Some conflicts can be avoided entirely or kept from escalating.
                    The more we understand our own style and attitude about conflict, the fewer
                    the occasions when conflicts may occur. Some conflicts are minor and should
                    be resolved after the critical ones.
Conflicts can occur with another member of the regional board, a volunteer, parent, coach or referee.
There does not have to be a loser in a conflict. There are techniques that can be used to work
through a conflict successfully so everyone is a winner. We can and must learn from our conflicts.
How do you deal with conflict in a positive manner? Try the following ideas:
COMMUNICATATE: Numerous problems in a typical regional conflict are                   Listen
brought on by a lack of communication or a miscommunication.                          Clarify
LISTEN: Good communication starts with hearing what the other person is             Summarize
saying, not just waiting until he/she stops speaking.
CLARIFY: Ask questions and attempt to see the issue from the other person’s point of view. Viewing
both sides can help you from a clearer picture of the information.
SUMMARIZE: When an individual finishes telling you his/her side of the situation, tell that individual
what you understand to be the facts of the issues.
Together, these techniques can get you starting to understanding and resolving the conflict.

         CONFLICT RESOLUTION TECHNIQUES – On and Off the Field
                                    Staying Cool in the Clutch

Through simulations, you can imagine your way to success and make the unfamiliar, familiar.

      Focus on what you can control; how you play the game rather than winning        Getting
      or losing.                                                                    Comfortable
      Write down one to three goals that you want to accomplish that will increase     Being
      your chance of success, process not outcome related, specific, controllable, Uncomfortable
      Share them with someone as you commit to your goals.
      Put the paper inside your shoes, pockets, or somewhere close.
      When the game or task is over, read your goal and know you held to your commitment.

           Cooling Off Hotheads – When Other AYSO Parents And Volunteers Are Around

      Stand or sit calmly. Listen attentively and do not interrupt.                    Be aware of
      Be polite and listen attentively, let them vent. Call your backup person         threatening
      or security.                                                                    situations and
      Acknowledge how important the issue is and reflect it to them “Here’s            plan how to
      what I heard you say…is that correct?” Then offer choices “Here’s what           handle irate
      we can do…”                                                                       individuals.
      Re-explain what you will do with a follow-up time and place as you escort
      them to the door or the appropriate person for help.
      End the conversation politely.
      Report and document the event.
                                 MEDIATING AYSO CONFLICT
                         We   agree   to   attack the problem not each other.
      The                We   agree   to   focus on things we can do.
    Conflict             We   agree   to   not place blame.
                         We   agree   to   collect the facts.
   Resolution            We   agree   to   own our problems.
   Covenant              We   agree   to   listen to understand.
                         We   agree   to   take the time we need.
                         We   agree   to   encourage and respect each other and our ideas.

Prepare by gathering the facts. Be careful to remain neutral and relate the problem to the task. Start
by stating the problem as a mutual one to be solved, not a win-lose struggle. Get an agreement on
this before continuing from all parties involved.

      Ask each person to share his version of the problem, stating only the facts.
      Ask each person to state the other person’s viewpoint.
      Ask each person to confirm the accuracy of the restatement.
      Ask each person to suggest a solution…negotiate.
      Ask each person to restate their agreement.
      Schedule a follow-up meeting.

                                                 Tough Love

 Helping     Personal Problems: Let the volunteer vent. Just be a sounding board for them to say
  Fellow     what they need to say. Beware that too much time here will enable a victim mentality.
Volunteers   Let them say what they need to say, then it’s back to the task on hand.
   Cope        Performance Problems: Listen, collect date, ask for solutions and offer resources. When
work is not getting done, you need to understand why. Listen to what they have to say, identify the
level of performance and any roadblocks they may be experiencing. Then you can effectively start to
look for solutions.
                            Maintain The Three R’s of Good Management
  Resist            Resist the urge to offer advice right away. Help them grow through discovery.
 Resources          Build knowledge and skills through training and development opportunities.
   Refer            Use other and better sources of help and support.

                                                                  Inhibitors To Listening
     Improve Your Listening Skills                            People don’t always say what they
      Develop an active listening posture.                    mean.
      Eliminate annoying habits                               People don’t always understand their
      Keep your emotions in check.                            own feelings.
      Ask questions.                                          It’s sometimes difficult to put into
      Don’t jump to conclusions.                              words.
      Try to stay focused.                                    The same words have different
                                                              meanings for different people.
                                                              We sometimes hear only what we
                                                              want to hear.
                                                              People are thinking about what they
                                                              are going to say next.
                               Dealing with Difficult People
                                   Conflict Resolution
Someone wants something that you cannot give to them:

   1.   Parents want their two sons ages 10 and 14 on the same team

   2.   Parent demands that child be able to play with newly pierced earrings

   3.   Parent demands that child be registered to play without showing birth certificate

   4.   Parent wants to coach but refuses to provide the Social Security Number on the
        volunteer registration form

   5.   Referee will not let a player on field with new baseball cleats

Someone is talking to the wrong person or taking issue up with wrong person:

   1.   Coach calls the AD because he/she is not happy with referee at last game

   2.   Parent calls NSTC for daughter’s team assignment

   3.   Parent complains to referee about her son’s coach

   4.   Parent calls RC to find out child’s game time

   5.   Parent demands refund from NSTC

Someone refuses to listen:

   1.   Coach will not stay in technical area in spite of referee requests

   2.   Volunteer demands expense refund from National President for missing NAGM vote

   3.   Parent is asked on the sidelines of a game to stop yelling at the referee, but it

Someone wants something you won’t give them

   1.   Coach wants to keep the entire team together the next season

   2.   Player demands a full refund during second week of season;

Someone makes threats and is disruptive and/or abusive:

   1.   Referee tells player to get out of her face or she will kick his butt

   2.   Parent challenges referee to meet in parking lot after the game

   3.   Player tells another player, “If you do that again, I will hurt you”

   4.   U-8 parent threatens to punch a referee due to call at game
    5.   Coach instructs his player to take out opposing goal keeper

    6.   Coach instructs goal keeper to let in goal for more advantageous seeding in

Someone violates AYSO governing rules or commits an illegal act

    1.   Pre-signed checks

    2.   CVPA reviewed interesting arrest stories from some volunteer applications

    3.   Coach added new player without a signed registration form

    4.   Concession stand director takes cash box home every Saturday to buy supplies for
         following week

    5.   RC appoints wife to be treasurer

    6.   Board members pick own team at player distribution

    7.   Spectator refuses to observe Kid Zone agreement on field

    8.   Coach gave a beer to a U-19 player

    9.   Coach tells player to remove cast before arriving at field

    10. Coach leaves with player to not have to wait for parent

    11. Female coach takes U-19 boys team to out of state tournament without appropriate
        male supervision

    12. Registrar accepts player registration form without birth certificate

    13. Registrar modifies birth date on player registration form to allow player to play down

    14. RCA only pays referees $10/game

    15. Regional commissioner accepts two tickets to Paul McCartney concert from uniform

    16. Safety director submits safety incident report a month late;
Someone wants something
  you CAN’T give them
Someone wants something
  you WON’T give them
Someone refuses to listen
Someone makes threats;
Is disruptive & abusive
Someone violates AYSO
  governing rules or
commits an illegal act
Someone takes a problem to
   the wrong individual

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