Extraterrestrials in the Quad_ by fjhuangjun

VIEWS: 117 PAGES: 20

									                                                          Scandal, indignity &
                                                          a general lack of pants

     Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009. www.usuonline.com

                                                                            The year that was:
                                                                            DOWN 2009

                                                                            CYBORG CONTROL
                                                                            to reunionite USU

                                                                            READERS LASH OUT
                                                                            WITH MAD COW DISEASE

Extraterrestrials in the Quad!
CREDITS                           TODAY'S TOP                         EDITOR’S NOTE
Robert Chiarella
                                  STORIES                             We promised nudity. Or at least, partial nudity. Alas, despite our best interests
                                                                      in bringing you a busty Page 3 girl, our saucy senorita suffered from stage-
Bridie Connellan                  Page 4                              fright moments before being snapped in his mankini. Dare to visualize. In
Patrick Effeney                   The UFO’s have landed! All hail     fluro.
Nick Kraegen                      new alien overlords!
Diana Tjoeng                                                          To stinge on the peepshow for our final edition for the year is a pretty major
thebull@usu.usyd.edu.au           Page 6                              faux pas and one we’re not prepared to own. But we do have UFOs. We’ve
                                  Scoops! Exclusives! Imperative      got Babar. We’ve got Jonathon Holmes. We’ve got Obama. From the latest
Contributors                                                          in breaking campus news, to a nostalgic wander down 2009 Boulevard, this
Alistair Stephenson               exclamations!
                                                                      week The Bull goes tabloid. But as we sift through the future rulings of the
Andrew Marriott                                                       USU and click on some ghastly sites we really regret, it’s time to put ourselves
Arghya Gupta                      Page 7
                                                                      under the microscope and get reviewed, as this beefy publication gets a
Aristotle Claymore                Our new president’s inaugural
                                                                      delicious roasting. Meanwhile our faithful regulars are still up to no intrinsic
Callie Henderson                  address. End communication.
                                                                      good, and it’s about time someone slapped at least one or all of them.
Darrell Darrellson
Lawrence Del Gigante              Page 8                              In the twilight of our Bullian publishing we may have questionable sources, we
Michael Burrell                   News, taboos and scandaloos         may have outlandish claims, and above all we may come across as blatantly
Michael Falk                      to boot!                            untruthful. All we know is we believe in facts, and we know there’s a Code of
Dr. Nasty                                                             Ethics buried somewhere under the mountain of Zoo magazines decorating
Phillipe Maximillian-Smith        Page 10                             the desktops. Something about integrity…
Design                            BREAKING NEWS: 2009                 But like sands through the hourglass, so the days of our editorial meanderings
Carl Ahearn                       almost over. Must reflect. Stat!     force themselves through a glass tube and fight for supremacy atop a pile
Anjali Belani                                                         of grains. Or something along those lines. You asked, we delivered. You
                                  Page 12                             whinged, we smirked. You reported, we applauded. You read, we chewed
Communications Officer             REVIEWS: Who the hell reads         our cud. With a new cache of possibly better qualified and definitely more
Chris Beaumont                    this Bull thing anyway?             well-kept Eds to take the reins for 2010, it’s time for us to bow out and have a
www.usuonline.com                                                     glass of port. Or sherry. Mulled wine? Whatever it is you kids scull to celebrate
                                  Page 13                             these days.
The views in this publication     The internet: It’s a scary place.
are not necessarily the views                                         Cheers to a flipping gangbusters year.
                                  It’s also downright wrong.
of USU.                                                               And moo to you too.
The information contained
                                  Page 14
within this edition of The Bull                                       Robert, Nick, Diana, Pat & Bridie
                                  YOUR SAY. And some of
was correct at the time of                                            (Editors/Bovine Conservationists 2009)
                                  ours too.

                                  Page 16
                                  What's On...                        ON A SERIOUS NOTE…
                                                                      Despite the tabloidic outrageousness and questionable accuracy of our last
                                  Page 18                             edition for 2009, I would request that if anything, you loyal readers take this
                                  All the Regulars.                   humble box seriously for just one moment.
                                                                      It is with sadness and much disbelief that this semester ends with the untimely
This publication is brought                                           passing of one of our own, second-year Arts student Jordan McClellan. At the
to you by the University              This publication is             unripened age of 19, Jordan passed away in the early hours of 16 October
of Sydney Union and The               printed on environmentally      due to an accident of unfair and unforeseen circumstance, mere hours after
University of Sydney.                 friendly paper.
                                                                      an incredible performance at the Theatresports Grand Final.
                                                                      Life is abominably unfair, taking those with so much potential before their
                                                                      time. An accomplished actor, a burgeoning comedian, a downright genuine
                                                                      human being, Jordan McClellan was a talent to boot. He amazed in SUDS, he
                                                                      amused in Arts Revue and he absolutely astounded in his weekly rabbles at
                                                                      Theatresports and Project 52. A soul who never looked happier constructing
                                                                      a skit about God’s fusion of birds and crocodiles or a man with guns for
                                                                      hands, Jordan had his own comedic style to simultaneously shock and
                                                                      delight. Improvising seamlessly with his fellow players, his love of the stage
                                                                      could only be surpassed by his love of those onstage beside him.
                                                                      As those who knew him best somehow attempt to piece together their own
                                                                      little memories of Jordan and those unique adventures had with this stand-up
                                                                      individual, it becomes clear that this funny little guy meant something special to
                                                                      everyone. He knew way too much, or just the right amount, about Star Wars.
                                                                      He improvised an entire skit about cyanide flavoured ice-cream and basement
                                                                      confinement. He freestyle-rapped about fornicating in Fisher Reserve. He was
                                                                      one hell of a gun on Nintendo 64. Jordan was the type of guy who would
                                                                      give his right arm for a friend, and his left foot as a down payment if the time
                                                                      and place called for it. Even his Facebook read ‘Political Views: whatever
                                                                      everyone else in the conversation agrees on’ and ‘Religious Views: something
                                                                      that makes me friends’. Jordan you amazingly excellent noob.
                                                                      We send our thoughts and wishes to Jordan’s family and girlfriend Courtney,
                                                                      and while words can never console such a loss, we wish only the warmest
                                                                      comforts in these days when ‘how are you?’ seems the silliest question
                                                                      The halls of Manning, the stages of Hermann’s, and the very cobblestones of
                                                                      Sydney Uni will never be the same without the laugh of this larrikin, nor will his
                                                                      infectious enthusiasm for life ever fade from our hearts.
                                                                      Jordan my friend, you will be missed, ridiculously much. Rest peacefully now,
                                                                      we’re holding our beers ever so high.
                                                                      Bridie Connellan

                                                                                                                                                PAGE 03
Diana Tjoeng investigates the arrival of extra-terrestrials on campus.

Yesterday     morning,      a    UFO    land at Sydney University, the Vice-     gave up and retracted their powerful
suddenly appeared above the             Chancellor replied, “Well, of course     mind-entering televisual beams.
Sydney University Quadrangle. Not       they would select this fine institution   Onlookers were disappointed that
that many people noticed. Due           to begin their tirade of doom and        they would not be able to use the
to misinformation about global          destruction. What? You think they’d      alien technology to watch Gossip
warming, many students sitting in       ever settle for UTS? As you know,        Girl all day.
the Quad at the time thought that       we’ve been very pleased to move
                                                                                 Overnight, people pitched tents in
the enormous shadow cast by the         up this year in the TIME magazine
                                                                                 the Quad and held a candle-lit vigil
UFO was actually the sun gasping        university rankings. Granted, we’re
                                                                                 in honour of the extra-terrestrials.
and exploding in a fit of rage; this     no Oxford University…but at least
                                                                                 Inevitably, it turned into a massive
had been expected for some while.       we still have Harry Potter buildings.”
                                                                                 rager with thousands of people
However, students eventually noticed
                                        As a large crowd of staff and            spewing on the sacred sandstone.
the presence of the flying saucer
                                        students gathered inside the Quad to     Some drunk first-year boys were
when they heard the ominous beat of
                                        marvel at the UFO, they were treated     seen attempting to throw empty
‘Ice, ice baby’ reverberating through
                                        to a special and rare attempt at         beer bottles at the spacecraft.
the air with magnificent force. It
                                        communication from the intergalactic     Unconfirmed accounts said the boys
seems the aliens were pumping the
                                        beings. Demonstrating their superior     were zapped with an orange light
classic song out of their fully sick,
                                        technological advancement, the           and never seen again. The aliens’
modified spacecraft speakers.
                                        aliens were able to project a visual     anger was further aroused when a
The student body reacted in very        image right into the minds of every      group of rockers were heard loudly
different ways. Members of the          onlooker. It was as if each individual   criticising Vanilla Ice. The extra-
Socialist Alternative were seen to      had a tiny television switched on        terrestrials responded by pointing
throw their pamphlets into the air      inside their heads. The first image       thousands of laser beams at different
and shout: ‘The revolution has          that flashed inside the minds of the      parts of the Quadrangle. A weapon
finally come!’, while the Costume        onlookers was tauntingly…an image        assault is yet to occur but tension
Society was pleased that their alien    of themselves standing there looking     remains in the air.
outfits would finally come in handy.      stupid. Then, some strange garbled       The Vice-Chancellor has met today
Suspiciously, several of the Union      noises echoed all around. Many           with key University officials to discuss
Board Directors were not contactable    bystanders assumed this was the          pending negotiations with the space
right at the time of the invasion.      aliens’ attempts to communicate          invaders. An Australian Idol-style
This follows unconfirmed reports         with them in a strange-sounding          contest may be held to determine
throughout the year of an eerie green   language. One can only imagine           Sydney University’s ambassador to
light glowing under the doorframe of    what the aliens were trying to say.      the aliens; the program’s prototype
the Board Directors’ office.             Experts suggest it may have been:        name is currently Alien Sacrifice.
                                        ‘You humans really are as ugly-
However, Vice-Chancellor Michael        looking as we expected.’
Spence was on hand to deal with
the situation. When asked why he        After about two minutes of the
thought the aliens had chosen to        garbled noises, the space invaders

PAGE 04                                                                                             THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
“When asked why he thought the aliens had chosen to land at Sydney University, the Vice-Chancellor replied, ‘Well, of course
they would select this fine institution to begin their tirade of doom and destruction. What? You think they’d ever settle for UTS?
As you know, we’ve been very pleased to move up this year in the TIME magazine university rankings. Granted, we’re no Oxford
University…but at least we still have Harry Potter buildings.’”

                                1. Tell us about your previous            2. Why do you think the aliens have       4. Who do you think should be
                                experiences with UFOs.                    chosen to land at Sydney Uni?             chosen from the Sydney Uni
                                My first experience with a UFO was         The thing about aliens is that they       community to communicate with
                                one time when my mate Derrin and          know where and when they can cop          the aliens?
                                I were drinking some of our home          a root. These are beings who've           Well that depends, really. If they have
                                brew. It wasn't really home brew,         mastered intergalactic travel, and        some kind of intellectual discourse,
                                actually, it was more like metho          you don't get to that sort of level       to teach us, I think it would be good
                                mixed with Napisan. The thing about       of thinking when you're nursing the       to send someone with impeccable
                                that stuff is that it'll put you in the   blue balls. Innovation is always built    rote-learning ability and not too
                                mindset to be open to things you          on the basis of an iron-clad regimen      many preconceived notions in
                                never thought were possible before.       of good, hard, regular shagging. The      their head. Probably someone from
                                I've always said, I'm not gay, but if     reason that they came to Sydney           third-year Media. They're empty
                                you get some Napisan and metho            Uni is that it's got the highest          vessels ready for the filling. I mean
                                down me I'm anybody's. Really.            concentration of fine ladyfolk this        that in a dirty way, too. Otherwise,
                                Anyway, things had got a bit extreme      side of Alpha Centauri. And you           as I have already hypothesised, if
On average, there are           between me and Dezz, so I decided         don't have to be from a race of           they are here for interstellar rumpy,
about 40 UFO sightings in       to go for a bit of a walk. I was down     super-intelligent beings to know that     I think we should send a horse. I've
                                by the creek and suddenly there           they're not exactly fussy, either.        been watching some videos [see
Australia each year. Out of     were these lights in the sky, like you                                              page 13] and frankly I'm inspired.
those, again on average,        hear about. And everything started        3. What do you think are the              Those horses really have something
                                                                          intentions of the aliens?
38 are reported by just         whirling around and I didn't know
                                                                          Well if there're any roughly humanoid,
                                                                                                                    to teach us in terms of rooting
one individual: USYD's          what was what. Anyway, I passed                                                     prowess. Having an 18-inch penis,
                                out and when I came to my arse            roughly        female-type    creatures   for instance, it emerges, is an
own Aristotle Claymore.         was as sore as buggery. I'm pretty        involved, I think I've proved that I'm    advantage for the owner and
The Bull caught up with         sure I'd been taken up in the ship        an open-minded enough kind of guy         nobody else. But anyway, we should
                                and probed. That's what I'd like to       to help them out with whatever needs      send somebody with near-insatiable
Aristotle to get his thoughts                                             of a personal nature they might have.
                                believe, anyway. My recollection                                                    urges, who is ambidextrous, and
on recent events.                                                         Other than that, who knows? Blow
                                of the evening is hazy at best, and                                                 double-jointed in as many places as
                                the alternative explanation of my         up the earth, enslave us all. Whatever    possible. Trust me, if you're going to
                                tenderness just doesn't sit right with    it is, it's going to happen. One thing    show an alien a good time, you're
                                my self-concept.                          I've learned is that you don't say no     going to feel it in the morning.
                                                                          to a man with a raygun, or a litre of
                                                                          solvent and detergent down him.

                                                                                                                                                   PAGE 05
One week JACKSON 5 Babar's elephant kingdom
                       THE BOOGIE:
                                          SUNSHINE, MOONLIGHT
The next,                                 AND GOOD TIMES
                                          EQUALLY AT FAULT
YOU’RE                                    Andrew Marriott
                                          An allegation emerged overnight that

Lawrence Del Gigante
                                          the debilitating condition of being
                                          unable to control one’s feet was, in
                                          fact, attributable to multiple factors,
                                          not just the boogie.
                                          “I wish Michael researched his
                                          sources better before he made
                                          such wild accusations,” said one
                                          wheelchair-bound sufferer. “The
                                                                                     Andrew Marriott                              ‘civilised’ and forces us all to wear
                                          sunshine, moonlight and good
                                                                                                                                  pants. Pants! We should be eating
                                          times were equally to blame. I            Celestville, once known for being a           peanuts or something. Babar was
                                          mean the good times and the               surprisingly prosperous and politically
                                          boogie have certain overlapping                                                         born an elephant, and should never
                                                                                    stable African kingdom (and having
                                          features, aren't you always having                                                      been involved in this 'I-wish-I-had-
Outy. Ew.                                                                           talking animals and shit) descended
                                          a good time when you boogie? He                                                         opposable-thumbs' bullshit. How did
                                                                                    into anarchy overnight, as King Babar
The fashion world was shaken today        should be clearer in categorising the                                                   he put on his little red bowtie? I just
                                                                                    met a violent end at the feet of his
after it learnt that super model, Emily   elements! The Jackson Five should                                                       didn’t trust him.”
                                                                                    stampeding elephant subjects.
Scott, had an outwardly protruding        stick to performing infectious iconic                                                   “And what’s wrong with being an
bellybutton, more commonly known          disco songs – not misdiagnosing           Although children worldwide loved
                                                                                    the idea of Babar's ruling elephant           elephant? We can wash our backs
as an ‘outy.’ The discovery was           medical conditions. I don’t care if
                                                                                    family, local elephants found his             with our trunk, that’s cool right? You
made after her long time boyfriend,       Michael's dead – with this crippling
                                                                                    absolute monarchy politically and             can’t forget your ways Babar, we’re
Brad Chadwick, experienced both           condition some days I wish I was.”
confusion and difficulty when he                                                     morally offensive, seeing it as a             elephants and we never forget!”
tried to drink a tequila shot from her    In other shocking news, a lengthy         justification for colonialism. The violent
                                          government     investigation   has                                                      It is unclear what the future holds for
bellybutton.                                                                        coup was formed as a result of the
                                          revealed that the identity of the                                                       Celestville, but there are reports of a
                                                                                    demand to return to fundamentalist
It has since been revealed that air       mysterious ‘Man in the Mirror’ with                                                     cocky lion cub boasting that he ‘just
                                                                                    elephant ways.
brushing was used in her promotions       whom Mr Jackson pleaded to                                                              can’t wait to be king’. “Sheesh,” said
and acting roles to give her body         ’change his ways’ was, in fact, his       “Who does he think he is?” said               Gary. “I hope not, I don’t want to wait
an ‘inny’ in order to make her look       own reflection.                            protestor, Gary. “He goes off                 next to a rock for that baboon to hold
like a normal person. Her modelling                                                 to France and comes back all                  him up. I get really bad sunburn.”
companies have since terminated
the contracts they held with her now
that her ‘outy’ predicament is public
knowledge. In a statement released
this afternoon, Scott has vowed to
sue her modelling companies on the
grounds of contumelious foofaraw.
                                             THE COVER-UP that dare not speak its name…
She has also spearheaded the                  Nick Kraegen
development of several non-profit
organisations designed to help               A University of Tasmania academic’s new theory
‘outies’ (as these poor people have          concerning the origins and goals of the ‘lesbian’
come to be known) cope with their            sexuality, has sparked debate and speculation in the
condition; quite an impressive feat          community.
given the incredibly short time              “It has to be an ultra-feminist secret society. Only by
frame. At a rally earlier today, Scott       rejecting men in all ways can they achieve the solidarity
exclaimed, “What gives people                needed for the ultimate overthrow of the patriarchy, or,
the right to judge the content of            as they call it, penisocracy,” said Dr Richard Fidler.
our character by the way our
                                                                                                            A lesbian secret society…what would their secret handshake be?
bellybuttons bulge?”                         Dr Fidler believes his ‘Lesbian Secret Society’ provides
                                             the only explanation to what he sees as the logical
Her detractors released a statement          inconsistencies of women who love women.                      Self-appointed and confusingly-titled King of the
saying that no judgements were
                                                                                                           Lesbians, K.D. Lang, responded to the theory with
made on her character. They argue            “Clearly the idea that these women are just attracted
                                             to women is ridiculous,” he said. “Orlando Bloom is           scepticism.
instead that outies “just look weird
and they are aesthetically displeasing       some kind of demi-god and even I would be happy to            “Look, even if we were a secret society, and I’m not
and sexually submissive”.                    eat treacle off or out of any part of him.”                   saying that we are, you can hardly blame some women
According to statistics from the ABS,        Unfortunately for Dr Fidler, he personally has not been       for not wanting to jump into bed with every big sweaty
over 23 per cent of the population           able to gauge the reactions of the lesbian community.         truck driver that comes along,” said Ms Lang.
suffer from the condition, coined                                                                          Fidler plans to continue his investigation of the group,
                                             “I can’t find them anywhere, and believe me I’ve been
‘bauble button’. Furthermore, 77 per                                                                       and provide the government with regulate updates on
                                             looking,” he said. “But just like bigfoot, aliens and
cent of people in this group undergo                                                                       the strength and imminence of the ‘lesbian threat’.
                                             leprechauns, the only place I seem to be able to find
elective surgery to have their belly
                                             a real, live lesbian is on the internet - where there’s
buttons reconstructed into an ‘inny,’                                                                      “If you saw some of the videos I’ve downloaded, you’d
                                             plenty, incidentally.
an increase of 30 per cent after the                                                                       know we’re dealing with a ruthless and hardened foe,”
government run intervention ‘outy            “If they’re not just hanging around the place like            he said. “If you see a stocky lass with a crew-cut and
you come, inny you go’. Two out              everybody else, where are they? In some giant cage            a pumpkin, I’d advise you to run.”
of every 10 people commit suicide            somewhere? You shouldn’t put women in cages.”
each year due to bellybutton related

PAGE 06                                                                                                  THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
                                                                                      We are rapidly optimising our
                                                                                      policies to meet the changing
                                                                                      needs of our stakeholders. In order
                                                                                      to encourage more participation
                                                                                      in academic life, we have removed
                                                                                      the beer pipes from Manning and
                                                                                      Hermann’s and replaced them with
                                                                                      No-Doz dispensing machines. We
                                                                                      have performed extensive market
                                                                                      research on The Bull and decided to
Hello everyone, my name is                  to two conclusions. The first is
                                                                                      change its format to that of a tabloid
CEO3000 and I am your new USU               that democracy is ineffective. The
                                                                                      newspaper, reflecting a strategy
President. As you may be aware,             second is that the SRC is even            being undertaken with some success
the USU has recently been taken             more ineffective and that we should       by other major publications such as
over by cyborgs. I would like to take       instead target the USU for takeover.      The Sydney Morning Herald. This did
this opportunity to inform you of the
                                            As     such,       we      organised      not require any significant change in
details of this exciting new change.
                                            to have your past president, Patrick      editorial policy. We have also begun
As cyborgs, we recognised the threat        Bateman, assassinated as he was           exploring ways to use the University          do this by phasing out carbon-
the University of Sydney was facing         being driven in a motorcade past the      WiFi network to test the software we          students over a 10 year period.
from a range of corners, including a        grass on the front lawns. Initially we    will use for Skynet.                          Those carbon students who require
rival faction of cyborgs, alien invasion,   thought we could try to frame one of                                                    accommodation on or near campus
and increased capital works funding                                                   I am exploring a number of fantastic
                                            the other directors for the incident,     opportunities for students in the form        simply take up too much space,
for vaguely fascistic architecture.                                                                                                 demanding excessive luxuries such
                                            but it was implausible that any of        of increased campus employment.
As such, it was necessary to take
                                            them would have been capable of           Already I am in negotiations with a           as a curtain around their oversized
control of a student organisation
                                            planning it.                              large brothel to open a branch in             sleeping bag in the living room. By
in order to help give you quality
                                                                                      the old women’s room. Students                contrast, cyborg students can easily
representation and prepare the way          We have reached a compromise with
                                                                                      would be able to fit this employment           be stored in lecture theatres when
for a younger generation of cyborgs         the board in which I, CEO3000, have
to enter university and replace                                                       around their timetable with reduced           they are not in use. This policy has
                                            taken Mr Bateman’s place and the
inefficient carbon-based students.                                                     need for commuting. We also plan              an exciting degree of synergy with
                                            rest allowed to keep their positions
Especially worrying was the lack                                                      on approaching Sydney Talent to               the University’s strategy of reducing
                                            In exchange, I am vetting all their
of time carbon-students devote to                                                     organise an internship program                its teaching burden and focusing
                                            public communications, including
study and their excess consumption                                                    at the branch, which will no doubt            on core activities such as hosting
                                            any communication on any subject
of beer, which distorted the local                                                    provide valuable career pathways to           weddings and cocktail receptions.
                                            with any student who is not a director.
market and threatened to create a                                                     undergraduate finance and business
                                            This will ensure the USU brand is                                                       I hope you are as excited by these
revolt by local residents.                                                            management students.
                                            not eroded by the appearance of                                                         changes as I am.
At first, our strategy was to take           controversy or dissent on the board,      Another priority of the USU, will be
over the SRC through the electoral          thus enhancing student participation      lobbying the University for better            CEO3000
process. After this failed, we came         in the university experience.             student housing. We propose to                USU President

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                                                                                   CHILD OF AFRICAN

  Beyond the Whinge                                                                DICTATOR GENUINELY
                                                                                   WANTS TO GIVE AWAY
  It’s not fun being a right-winger at the moment, but Michael
                                                                                   LARGE AMOUNTS OF
                                                                                   GOLD, GETS ANNOYED
  Burrell’s not feeling sorry for himself, like some kind of lezzy
  tree-hugger. He puts a conservative slant on recent news
                                                                                   BY NIGERIAN SCAMMER                          DUE TO STRESS
                                                                                   Andrew Marriott

  BARACK OBAMA                                                                     Okembi Okfana, son of deposed
  The first post-race, and                                                          dictator, Tarembi Okfama, announced
  post-achievement President.                                                      his displeasure yesterday at Nigerian
                                                                                   scammers hindering his efforts to
  I was in complete dismay when                                                    give away his father’s unclaimed
  I saw the news about Barack                                                      gold.
  Obama being awarded the Nobel
  Peace Prize. As opposed to my           out of touch: and the viewers are        Mr Okfana told reporters, “Before my
  conservative ranting on the issue,      ultimately changing the channel          father was executed at the hands of
  I thought I’d share what Iain Martin    because of it. I hope some these         his people in our national stadium,                   Masculinity or mating ritual?
  in The Wall Street Journal had to       characters are killed-off before the     he said: ‘Okembi, take all our nations
  say on the matter:                      show is cancelled for good.              gold that I’ve stolen in my lifetime,        Nick Kraegen
                                                                                   find a random Internet user, and
  “Think about it, it’s so postmodern:    ZIMBABWE                                 make their dreams come true. Only            Embattled CEO of the National
  a leader can now win the peace          A more serious note.                     then I will be proud of you.’”               Rugby League, David Gallop, today
  prize for saying that he hopes to                                                                                             left the job, citing extreme stress
                                          Last week on the ABC news,               He continued: “I started emailing
  bring about peace at some point                                                                                               which has taken a toll on his health.
                                          a special segment was shown              people, but those damn Nigerians!
  in the future. He doesn’t actually
                                          covering the crisis in Zimbabwe.         They stole my story. I mean, all it          Gallop released a statement
  have to do it, he just has to have
                                          Mugabe’s dispossession of the            takes is one person to email me              explaining his reasons, summarised
  aspirations. Brilliant.”
                                          white farmers, his ‘land reform’         back and bam - the gold is theirs.           below:
                                          has undeniably left Zimbabweans          Of course I need your bank account
  THE FEDERAL LIBERAL                     on the brink of starvation. The                                                       “At first I didn’t mind going on the
  PARTY: The poorest rating                                                        details, how else am I going to get
                                          Socialist Alternative should take                                                     Footy Show and apologising when
  show on TV.                                                                      this gold to you? It’s the most logical
                                          note of this form of Socialism                                                        blokes were out playing silly buggers.
                                                                                   way. You try and do something
  Tony Abbott recently described          that they so vehemently promote:                                                      Let’s face it, these guys aren’t paid
                                                                                   nice in this world, and all you get is
  the Federal Liberal Party as a          taking away the productive                                                            to think, they’re paid to run into each
  ‘soap opera’. He’s right you            resources     away      from    the                                                   other, so if they’re a bit rough around
  know. The departure of the              productive, and giving them to the       “What am I supposed to do with the           the edges that’s to be expected.”
  star of the show Peter Costello         dregs of society. Mugabe’s thugs         gold now? Alleviate my country‘s
                                                                                                                                “But then things got weird. Suddenly
  has left viewers dismayed. The          that now squat on these farms            crippling foreign debt? No! It should
                                                                                                                                they’re all forgetting the meaning of
  position of Opposition Leader is        have not only destroyed private          help some Westerner buy cool stuff,
                                                                                                                                words like ‘monogamy’, ‘no’, and
  like a knocked-up teenager for          property, but have also salted           like 52-inch plasma TVs, Snuggies
                                                                                                                                ‘don’t hit your girlfriend with a glass’.
  whom no-one is willing to claim         the once fertile land of the former      and Shamwows.”
                                                                                                                                And it never stops. I can’t keep track
  responsibility.  The    so-called       ‘food bowl of Africa’. I wonder          There have been subsequent reports           of which Johns brother is in favour in
  ‘Torchbearers of Conservatism’ on       how great post-colonial Africa           that efforts by Okfana’s Russian maid        any given week. One’s a coke fiend
  the backbench are carrying on like      and self-determination are when          to try and find a Western groom               and then the other’s a gang-bangist;
  the old matriarch: self-righteous       you are starving.                        online (to pay for her airfare) have         and somehow when something new
                                                                                   been met with little success.                comes along we forget about what
                                                                                                                                the other one’s done…I don’t know.
                                                                                                                                It’s like they’re playing dickhead

Rain in Spain Doesn’t Fall Mainly on the Plain                                                                                  leap-frog.”
                                                                                                                                “Then comes the day when you,
                                          The rain in Spain falls mainly on the mountainous and coastal regions, idiot.         as the head of a major national
                                                                                                                                brand, have to stand up in front of
                                                                                                                                the country and apologise for the
                                                                                                                                member of your organisation who
                                                                                                                                has done a poo in a hotel corridor.
                                                                                                                                On that day you have to ask some
                                                                                                                                pretty tough questions about the
                                                                                                                                value of your work. And I just
Michael Falk                              leaving to simultaneously bullfight,      actually one less bird than two in the
                                                                                                                                couldn’t come up with the answers
                                          play soccer and be a fundamentalist      bush — as the old saying goes, two
Meteorologists today revealed that                                                                                              any more."
                                          Catholic.                                birds are better than one.
the rain in Spain doesn’t actually
                                                                                                                                Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, thanked
fall mainly on the plain. In fact, they   Juan, of course, is a stereotype,        More disturbingly, a number of blind         Gallop for his years of service.
say, the rain there follows the usual     so his meteorological credentials        and numb people have failed to find
course of events and falls mainly on      are suspect. To cross-check them,        their own two feet, making it near           “The people of Australia owe David
the places with clouds over them.         we consulted Italian public servant,     impossible to step into the other            a great debt,” said Mr Rudd. “I will
                                          Giovanni d’Inefficient. On our            person’s shoes. The governments              nominate him for a knighthood for
Polite Spanish meteorologist, Juan
                                          seventeenth attempted contact, he        of Canada and the Seychelles are             services to the prevention of sexual
Flamenco-Hola-Rodiriguez, greeted
                                          replied simply by post that “Haste                                                    assault, arbitrary violence, public
your correspondent “¿How now                                                       working to solve this worldwide
                                          Makes Waste,” and that if we                                                          defecation. He’s failed, obviously,
brown person?”, correctly noting                                                   epidemic.
                                          distracted him from his corruption or                                                 but considering the people he was
that I had a tan. He continued, “The
                                          procrastination again, he’d “Hasten      And it doesn’t end there. Only last          working with, the struggle was pretty
weather patterns of Spain are not                                                                                               noble.’
determined by English elocution           our way to the Waste... of Hell,” with   week, in Sydney, a doctor driven
exercises. Were they, my poor             the help of the Camorra.                 mad by apples murdered a poor                Gallop is to pursue an academic
English literacy would likely put me                                               fruit-consumer because they had an           career studying the socialisation and
                                          This depressing trend of old             apple a day. At least now the doctor
out of the job!”                                                                                                                mating habits of apes. He claims
                                          platitudes interfering with the truth    is away, in prison.                          to already have some exciting new
When it was put to him that he            has caused deep rifts at the heart
                                                                                                                                theories to contribute.
seemed perfectly capable of speaking      of society. Anecdotal evidence           And that, as they say, is that
English, he replied: “¿que?”, before      suggests that a bird in the hand is      bullshit.

PAGE 08                                                                                               THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
                                        HE WATCHES THE MEDIA, BUT WHO’S WATCHING JONATHAN?
                                        Caligula                                    respected news programs, and              Mr Holmes is said to be absolutely         and listening to 2GB radio on one
                                                                                    instead was put in his place by the       livid about latest ratings figures          of those old tranny’s”. (A tranny is a
                                        Jonathan Holmes, egomaniac and              O’Brien ‘fists of fury’.                   placing Media Watch as the least-          transistor radio, easy children.)
                                        all-round party pooper of Media                                                       watched program in the universe.
                                        Watch fame has been seen punching           Sources close to Mr O’Brien (like,        Nielsen reported that only “30 people      While Mr O’Brien reportedly will not
                                        out everybody’s favourite ABC host          really close) commented that this         and one alien” view Media Watch.           leave his dressing room to comment,
                                        Kerry O’Brien. Onlookers were               outburst is just the latest in a series                                              Mr Holmes had this to say:
                                        shocked when Holmes (75/how old             of confrontations. “Jonathan is just      Several MeCo girls were overheard
                                        is he really?, looks like dinosaur-         really jealous of Kez because Kez         gossiping about the ‘intellectual          “I regret nothing! The standards
                                        age) ran onto the 7.30 Report set           has heaps better ratings and, like,       dreamboat’ that is O’Brienator. One        are slipping at ABC and I had to
                                        and screamed to the vigorous and            gets all the chicks that rock up at       particularly excited second-year           do something about it! That stupid,
                                        youthful Mr O’Brien that his “stupid        the ABC,” they said.                      exclaimed, “He totally asked me            overly-quaffed-hair, ratings whore
                                        little journalistic endeavour is fucking                                              back to his dressing room, I’m sooo        Kerry is a thumping bore who
                                        shit!”                                      The conflict stems from ABC’s              getting that cadetship next year.”         wouldn’t know a story if it hit him in
                                                                                    latest budget cuts, meaning that Mr                                                  the face.”
                                        The altercation ended when Holmes           Holmes’s Media Watch assistants           A friend of a friend’s ex-boyfriend’s
                                        attempted to hit Mr O’Brien in the          are being redirected towards the          housemate who once saw Mr Holmes           Well, this reporter doesn’t see
                                        face. Fortunately he was no match           higher-rating and more accessible         crossing the street describes him as       anything hitting the hottie host
                                        for the superior skills of battle that      7.30 Report, and Mr O’Brien by            “a really old guy, with a heaps weird      anytime soon, especially not
                                        come from primetime hosting of              extension.                                face. He was really concentrating          washed-up critic Jonathan Holmes.

                                                                                                                              Honi Campaign BLIMPS GUNNED DOWN By National
                                        LIGHT BEER,                                                                           Security, SRC to Review Election Regulations
                                        A SECRET KILLER?                                                                      Alistair Stephenson                        considered,” claimed Christine Kibble,
                                                                                                                                                                         the university’s SRC Electoral Officer.
                                        Callie Henderson                                                                      Two mid-sized blimps, purchased            “You just wouldn’t bother running
                                        You go down to the pub, and when                                                      for campaign purposes in this year’s       unless you were able to get at least a
                                        you get to the bar, thinking of that                                                  Honi Soit elections, were shot down        helicopter in the sky – it’d just be lazy
                                        babe in your government tute and                                                      by national security on the outskirts of   otherwise.”
                                        the 12 kilos you’ve got to lose                                                       Camperdown early this morning.
                                                                                    Ever wondered what makes light                                                       “I don’t see why the government
                                        before they will ever like you (though      beer taste so shit? Here it is.           The aircraft were described by             feels the need to intervene”,
                                        honestly, even then its in the realm of                                               military personnel as “an unnecessary      Kibble continued. “This is standard
                                        unlikely-ville). You order a light beer.    The Bull can exclusively reveal that                                                 practice… and with 305 Honi-
                                                                                                                              disturbance to the wider community”,
                                        All the taste, half the calories.           along with water, yeast and hops, all     despite the increasingly common            affiliated SRC tickets running this year
                                                                                    light beers are infused with just a few   use of non-rigid airships in student       to help fund the campaigns… it’s not
                                        But behind that innocuous branding                                                                                               as if the editors have any problem
                                                                                    drops of distilled Orangutan. The         campaigns.
                                        lies a secret killer. No, I’m not talking                                                                                        with budget. The system just works.”
                                        about liver cirrhosis, but something        secret ingredient apparently works        Despite      the   general     student
                                        much more horrific. The secret               as a compensator for the decreased        acceptance of such aircraft being          Neither Honi ticket was available for
                                                                                    alcohol level.                            utilised in campaign advertising,          questioning, but members of the ‘St.
                                        ingredient that defies the bounds of
                                                                                                                                                                         John’s Pharmacy Girls for Siblings’
                                        morality.                                                                             the local community’s complaints
                                                                                    In fact, the marked decline in wild                                                  SRC ticket were seen salvaging the
                                                                                                                              have forced the SRC to review their
                                        Light beer contains essence of                                                                                                   wreckage hours later.
                                                                                    Orangutan populations directly            election regulations. This will prove
                                        Orangutan.                                  corresponds to the invention of the       to be controversial, as the integrity
                                                                                    popular but immoral light beer.           of SRC policy has rarely, if ever, been
                                        ‘But aren’t Orangutans an endangered
                                                                                                                              called into question.
                                        species’ I hear you exclaim, spilling
                                        your filthy light beer all over your         Demand for light beer is putting
                                                                                                                              “Chalking, websites, clothing, aircraft,
                                        free trade organic cotton t-shirt.          these red-haired animals in serious       lecture bashing and videos are all
                                        And you are correct sir. Nonetheless        danger of deadness. Hope you feel         necessary elements of a campaign
                                        its insidious practice continues.           pretty bad now.                           if a ticket wants to be seriously

                                                                to uni.                                         You did it.
09/2112:1b CRICOS Provider No. 00026A

                                                                                                                Now help some school kids get there too.
                                                                                                                The University of Sydney’s                 Volunteers are required for a wide
                                                                                                                Compass program encourages                 variety of projects throughout the year.
                                                                                                                primary and secondary school
                                                                                                                                                           For more information and details on how
                                                                                                                children to stay in school and
                                                                                                                                                           to get involved visit our website:
                                                                                                                think about higher education.
                                        The year that was sure ran a riot. Climate change went Danish. Tidal waves swept
                                        Samoa. Obama was inaugurated. Victoria was on fire. Air France disappeared off
                                        the radar. Swine flu ran rampant. Roman Polanksi was arrested in Switzerland. Pete
                                        Doherty was also arrested in Switzerland. Lady Gaga took off her pants, without
                                        actually having any on in the first place. And we were there to be cynical about it all.
                                        The Bull gets annual nostalgia and wonders what the hell happened this year?

                                        oppressing white people”. When

Nobel Peace Prize
                                        asked for details, he went on, saying
                                        ,“He’s bringing in Nazi death panels to
                                        force old white people to die to make
                                                                                  THUGBY LEAGUE
                                        room for black Muslims and illegal
Robert Chiarella can get                Mexicans and cancerous Jews. We
                                        need to keep America pure, and that
politically controversial,              means not being peaceful to those
Yes He Can.                             who harm us.” Mr Khapman then
                                        ended the interview when a pigeon
A great stir was caused when Barack
Obama was awarded the 2009 Nobel        shat on his robe. “Damn, there isn’t a
Peace Prize only nine months into his   single white dry-cleaner around here.”
term. Critics on the left complained    Upon      presenting   the   award,
that he had not accomplished much       Norwegian rapper and mature-
in the way of peace and was in fact
                                        age technical education drop-out
escalating conflict in Afghanistan.
                                        Lars Larson paused to say, “I just
People wondered why other
candidates had been passed over.        thought Bono had the best peace
                                        plan of all time.” When asked off the
On the right, US radio host Ross        record what his daughters thought of
Lombard complained that the             Larson, Obama said words we will
award “just showed that the             not repeat here.
Europeans, especially those socialist
Scandinavians, just love that pinko     An anonymous member of the prize
lefty. Did you know he has Dijon        committee defended the decision.
mustard on his hamburger? This          “The prize is not for what he has done
so-called peace prize is simply un-     during the Presidency,” she said. “It     Pat Effeney talks on-field tactics and off-field lack of tact
American, just like Obama himself.      is for the election. By winning, he
How can someone bring about             stopped Dr. Strangelove getting hold
world peace when he isn’t even                                                    May I begin by saying that it is             lass before the season had even
                                        of the US military. I don’t understand
American?”                                                                        fantastic to see the pure variety            begun, and the NRL had to punish
                                        why people don’t see how this has
                                                                                  thrown up by Rugby League this ’09           him, because his club wouldn’t. After
At a protest rally in Washington, KKK   helped world peace. Also, what the
                                                                                  season? finding who the buck stops            all, why would you suspend your
member Kris Khapman komplained          fuck has the Dalai Lama actually
                                                                                  with is harder to find than a referee         best player, even if he did (allegedly)
that “Obama is not peaceful, he’s       achieved?”                                                                             do it with a 16-year-old? Then, more
                                                                                  that doesn’t use hair gel. Not only
                                                                                  did we have the usual mix of players         in the Greg Bird mould (man glasses
                                                                                  assaulting their girlfriends and             girlfriend), was the Greg Inglis story,
                                                                                  generally abusing women, we had              which is still under the deliberation of
                                                                                  couple of new, non women-related             our nation’s finest legal experts.
                                                                                  crimes, and new types of criminals
                                                                                                                               The real interesting stuff, though,
                                                                                                                               came from the coaches. Jason
                                                                                  So the usual story with Rugby League         Taylor managed to incite a king-hit
                                                                                  thuggery is as follows: Player gets          from a 110kg beast. Rumours are
                                                                                  pissed. Player finds young girl and           that this story is actually just a cover
                                                                                  would love to have a cup of tea with         up of the real story, in which JT was
                                                                                  her the next morning. Who knows              rendered unconscious by a barrage
                                                                                  what the girl is thinking. A couple          of phones thrown by the Rabbitohs
                                                                                  of weeks later, she decides it would         co-owner. Another coach, Brad
                                                                                  be a good idea to sue player. Media          Fittler, managed to wake the local
                                                                                  have a field day. Player disgraced, at        denizens of a country pub with a
                                                                                  least for a couple of weeks.                 drunken rampage to rival that of any
                                                                                                                               of his players.
                                                                                  There were a couple of stories that
                                                                                  followed this precise formula. Brett         Otherwise, Nate Myles shat in a hotel
                                                                                  Stewart had a little foray with a likely     hallway. That is all.

PAGE 10                                                                                               THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
                                                                                                                                   story that, three months before the
                                                                                         upon Sydney on the morning of
                                                                                         23 September, 2009.                       world will end, the prophets of the
LIONHEARTS                                                                               Roads were paved in the red tar
                                                                                                                                   world will witness the forecoming of
                                                                                                                                   the great ending of the world. It is the
Bridie Connellan is going
to be the youngest person                      RIDERS                                    of the Gibson Desert. Cars all
                                                                                         readily took the option of metallic
                                                                                         rust colour detail. Shoes all became
                                                                                                                                   opposite, say the Gadigal People, of
                                                                                                                                   the dust storm which accordingly
                                                                                                                                   happened after the world was
to sail around the world, or                   IN THE STORM                              fashionably red. Yet what made
                                                                                         this event most spectacular was
                                                                                                                                   created by the Rainbow Serpent,
                                                                                                                                   wherein the Serpent coughed
will at least join the queue to                Arghya Gupta was                          the total lack of media coverage          and covered Australia in dust as a
claim it.                                      bombasted by red dust,
                                                                                         surrounding the event. Not a single       punishment to the grass and trees
                                                                                         newspaper mentioned it. Apparently        who had earlier failed to obey the
                                               and the apocalypse.                       weather is not quality news.              wishes of the Serpent and decided
                                                                                                                                   to use chlorophyll as their main form
                                                                                                                                   of sustenance instead of the rocks
                                                                                                                                   given to them by the Serpent.
                                                                                                                                   A     more     contemporary      and
                                                                                                                                   probably accurate analysis of the
                                                                                                                                   situation, however, comes from
                                                                                                                                   Dr Karl Kruszelnicki, speaking
                                                                                                                                   behind his desk in Sydney Uni’s
                                                                                                                                   Physics Building. Dr Kruszelnicki
It seems this year a generation of                                                                                                 believes that the dust storm was
kids all read Jesse Martin’s Lionheart                                                                                             only viewable by those who have a
as gospel. Taking the young sailor’s                                                                                               more sensitive visual spectrometry
epic story as a biblical text, the                                                                                                 than the normal population. Just
overachieving youth of this year took                                                                                              as some people hear higher noises
daring to new heights as the record                                                                                                better than others, and cats can
for the youngest unassisted sail                                                                                                   see ultraviolet light, some, not all,
around the world seemed somewhat                                                                                                   people could see dust storms. More
‘up for grabs’. Teenage Aussie                                                                                                     importantly, without certain filters,
sailor Jessica Watson launched                                                                                                     most stock video cameras used by
her attempt to sail solo around the                                                                                                media organisations would pick up
world recently after a practice run                                                                                                nothing but an ordinary skyline.
                                               Last month, blanket of dust covered       Television audiences were similarly
that nearly spelt tragic disaster.
The 16-year-old schoolgirl narrowly            Sydney in a way not predicted             kept out of the loop. Only one            So perhaps it is a sign that the world
escaped injury after her yacht                 by the El Niño or the La Niña             question remained. Why?                   is now two months away from its
collided with a foreign cargo ship off         climactic cycles. Not predicted                                                     end. Or perhaps it is a sign that
                                               by any expert of climate change.          There are a couple of theories blowing
Queensland in September. Fibreglass                                                                                                2007 first-release HD cameras just
versus 63,000 tonnes of Hong Kong              Not even predicted by car wash            around. The first comes from the           do not cut it anymore. But one thing
merchant ship? Bring it, she says.             managers who like to foresee how          times when the dust provided a bed        is for sure – it was real. Why else
                                               their sales for the coming week           for the ancestors of this land. The       would Christopher Hitchens write an
But Watson wasn’t alone in her                 will be. No, rather, it just descended    Gadigal People have a traditional         article about it?
ambitions, with British 17-year-
old Michael Perham becoming the
youngest person to sail around
the world solo in August, although
with autopilot problems the non-
assisted title was thrown to the
                                               FAME, FORTUNE AND FATALITIES
fishes. Amazingly, 17-year-old Zac              Nick Kraegen just wants to interrupt you there…
Sunderland from the US had set this
outrageous record just six weeks               The death of Michael Jackson              Kanye West feels about the Video          clearly not. Sure the dancing’s good
earlier. Tough break Sundo.                                                                                                        and she’s not wearing much, but the
                                               in June was a surprise to almost          Music Awards ‘Video of the Year’
However 13-year-old Laura Dekker               everyone. After the news broke,           award.                                    whole thing’s basically a lava lamp
unquestionably takes this year’s               the world went into a state of                                                      when it comes down to it.
                                               mourning. Like most things about the      So when Taylor Swift got the gong
cake for over-ambition as a young
                                               singer, it didn’t seem to have rational   for 2009, he just couldn’t let that       Also, Patrick Swayze died. Is
sailor. The Dutch youth saw a
Netherlands court seeking to place             explanation. After approximately          injustice stand. He grabbed the           anybody’s life radically changed by
her in temporary care of childcare             38 seconds, however, we all went          microphone to let all the people of the   that? He did his best work years ago
officials as authorities put a two-             back to forwarding emails calling         world know that Beyoncé’s ‘Single         and you kind of always got the feeling
month full stop in her voyage plans            him a paedophile. She is a fickle          Ladies’ was “one of the best videos       he was being propped up by the
to (yet again) be the youngest                 mistress, fame.                           of all time”. Apart from anything it’s    people around him. We don’t know…
unassisted solo circumnavigator.
Whether she will be allowed to set             There were obviously some genuine
sail or not remains to be seen, but            mourners, but their cause wasn’t
like a less-than-pleasant Christmas            helped by Wacko Jacko’s continued
present, it seems to be the thought            assault on sanity and good taste,
that counts.                                   even in death. His funeral had it
                                               all: A-list mourners with eyes full
Parental groups and naggers alike              of crocodile tears, all the glitz of a
continuously voiced strong opinion             Hollywood premiere (except, this
against encouraging attempts such              was the opposite), and…a gold
as Watson’s and Dekker’s, with                 coffin? Really?
experienced sailor Andrew Cape
dramatically comparing the Aussie’s            For a lot of people, the winner
voyage to an inexperienced farm kid            of the Nobel Peace Prize is an
with an old rifle trying to "take on            important and contentious issue.
the Taliban". So either the parents            The laureate must be deserving;
of 2009 are getting more paranoid,             the award itself is so significant
or the existential crisis of Gen Y may         as to resonate through all facets of
just get them all killed. Where’s your         its recipient, a ringing endorsement
journey advice now Jesse Martin?               of all that they are. This is how

THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009                                                                                              PAGE 11

The Bull
D  orothy Parker once concluded
   a novel review with the
immortal observation: “This is not
a book to be put down lightly. It
should be thrown with great force.”
As a sentence in the pantheon of
twentieth-century shit-throwing, it
remains without peer: perfectly
weighted, instantly memorable and
designed to kill. Switch 'book'
for 'magazine', and Parker has
succinctly reviewed the USU's
magazine, The Bull, in 2009. Only
one issue, Dorothy - you missed the
fact that the very act of throwing it
away was also deeply unsatisfying.
As an ex-editor of the publication,
I feel privileged for the invitation
to pass judgment over the glossy
shambles that tried, earnestly tried,
to join the big boys, but got a face
full of sand and a cheque for $3,000
at the end of the year.
The well-worn litmus test for the
quality of a student publication is
the absorbency of its paper stock.
My current editing project, Honi
Soit , is in a pinch comparable to
the paddle-pop-like toilet paper
provided in McDonald’s restrooms.
The Bull is something else entirely.
Though I may have aroused a
nagging curiosity amongst you to
find out for yourselves, I'll leave you
with one word of warning: don't.
That aside, the more traditional
method of ascertaining the quality
of a publication is a cogent critique
of what it actually contains. The
regulars, found at the arse-end of the
magazine, were a minefield of tired
simulacrum adorned weekly with
the largest overall tally of condom
photography in a publication -
thanks stock.xchng - since Marie
Stopes      discovered      Microsoft
Publisher. 'Aristotle Claymore' read
suspiciously like 'The Adventures of     have all the hallmarks of carefully-    to a series of political pieces by        renaming it 'The Cow', as would
                                         camouflaged and frustrated virginity.    someone who is surely Barnaby             have been logical, would have
Squirter McGee, Country Football
                                         Did I mention that there were lots of   Joyce's presumptive heir, they            slightly undermined their purpose.
Legend', from the 2007 volume
                                         condom pictures? Yes, there were        stood to capture the marvelous
of Monash's paper, Lot's Wife.                                                                                             To paraphrase Parker, this publication
                                         lots.                                   diversity of opinion and background
That geezer Philippe, supposedly                                                                                           ran the gamut of interest from 'a' to
typifying Surry Hills champagne          Better were the contributions offered   at the University of Sydney. The          'b'. Time to [moo]ve on.
hipsterdom, is just as easily found      by the student body. Running in         autonomous Women's Edition also
these days in Lane Cove Plaza.           scope from a delightful skewering of    raised a smile with their retention       0 Bulls out of 5
The replies offered by Dr Nasty          the Toyota Prius' green credentials     of the 'Bull' moniker. Admittedly,        Will Atkinson

PAGE 12                                                                                           THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
                                        http://lbn.threat.tv/mrhands.mpg         http://free2g1c.com/                     thing inside him, it shatters. The
  BUT REALLY, PEOP                      ‘Mr Hands’                               ‘Two Girls,                              remaining two minutes of the video
  IF YOU’RE FAINT OF                                                                                                       shows him, without a single word
                                        ‘Zeta Mo’ Betta                          One Cup’                                  or sound, removing shards of glass
  HEART SKIP TO TH                      Productions                              Everybody’s heard                        from his badly bleeding anus. During
   NEXT PAGE.                           presents:
                                        Deep Thrusts’,
                                                                                 about ‘Two Girls, One
                                                                                 Cup’. If you haven’t seen
                                                                                                                          that time you will inevitably notice
                                                                                                                          that he has significant scarring on
                                        announces the                            it, it begins with one of the            his thighs and genitals, and so it
About 20 years ago, human               shoddy titles at the beginning of        two girls defecating into a glass.       would seem that he does this type
beings created the Internet. It’s an    this video. ‘Starring Mr Hands and       Then her and another girl take the       of thing habitually.
amazingly powerful resource – it        Super Sal the Wonder Horse,’ the         faeces into their mouths, swallow it,
                                        next frame announces. And then it        kiss each other with it covering their   They say it takes all sorts to make
renders previously-insurmountable                                                                                         a world. ‘They’ clearly grew up in a
barriers like geography and time        all unfolds. A man, naked from the       lips, and so forth. Then they vomit
                                        waist down, bent over in front of a      into each other’s mouths, all while      generation without the Internet.
almost insignificant. Within a
generation, knowledge could be          horse, in a dark stable. The camera      Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give
utterly democratised, with the entire   shifts slightly and we learn that        You Up’ plays in the background.         www.thistleharlequin.com
                                        the horse has a gigantic erection.       The one minute version most people
population of the world having
                                        The horse then proceeds to have          have seen was originally intended
                                                                                                                          Putrid Sex Object
access to the same information.
Currently, however, it’s 12 per cent    sex with the man. Mercifully, this       as the trailer for scat-porn feature,    A transvestite in a
porn, and that percentage is rising.    only takes about 15 seconds, after       Hungry Bitches. Indeed.                  wedding dress creeps
                                        which both parties appear to have                                                 through a dark,
The following ‘worst of’ looks at       gotten what they wanted out of the       http://1guy-1cup.
                                                                                                                          deserted house, before
videos, because these show not just     exchange.                                com
                                                                                                                          happening upon a
things that people have imagined,                                                One Guy,                                 bloody horse’s head
but things that they have done and      The man, it has since emerged, was
                                        named Kenneth Pinyan, and was a          One Cup’                                 with no skin on it. He
decided to share with the world.                                                                                          begins to kiss it sensually, before
The Internet has held an unflinching     Boeing employee from the Seattle         If you are disgusted                     having sex with it, inserting the
mirror up to humanity. Human            area in the US. He actually died after   by the concept of ‘Two girls, one        viscera in his anus, and eventually
beings made it, and everything on       one of many sexual encounters with       cup’, you probably shouldn’t even        ejaculating onto it. The man, Thistle
it, and so what’s there reflects on      horses perforated his colon and          read this. This video would be           Harlequin, is a tattoo/piercing artist,
every member of the species to          caused him to contract peritonitis.      more accurately described as ‘One        apparently. There’s not much more
some degree. These videos may be        A film about him, called Zoo, was         guy, one jar’, because it involves a     to say.
disgusting, but they are also very,     one of the 16 winners of the 2007        man forcing his rectum over a jam
very popular. We’re in trouble.         Sundance Festival. Only in America.      jar, and just as he gets the whole

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                                                                                     in different sizes: some make great          subversive activities in relation to
                                                                                     togas, others have become kilts, and         membership in ‘GetUp’, a known

                                                                                     many I’ve cut into wife-beaters. I like      seditious organisation dedicated
                                                                                     to think that the Southern Cross in          to bringing down the government.
                                                                                     the flag holds an important message           They may claim they merely wish
                                                                                     for us all: the stars are shiny and          to ‘influence policy’ through the
                                                                                     white, so we should be too.                  ‘democratic process’, but even this
                                                                                                                                  as a naked admission of disloyalty.
                                                                                     Also, what kind of last name is              We understand she is ‘campaigning’

                                                                                     “Tjoeng” anyway? All I’m saying is           in marginal seats, placing the hard-
                                                                                     that The Bull should seriously think         working, patriotic sitting members in
                                                                                     about who they hire as editors. Can          grave jeopardy.
                                                                                     she even speak English?
                                                                                                                                  Do not under any circumstances
                                                                                     From,                                        reveal that you are assisting us
                                                                                        Not-a-racist                              with our enquiries or you will
                                                                                                                                  be disappeared faster than an
                                                                                               UR DOIN IT RONG                    Argentinean smack addict.

                                                                                     Dear Bull,                                   Love,
       STUDENT HOUSING                               HONI ELECTIONS 2                                                                 ASIO
                                                                                     Why are their always typo’s in your
Sir or Madam,                               Dear Bull,                               magazine? You need to recuit some
                                                                                     new editors.                                      WE PROMISE TO COVER
Here in Sydney, a very famous               It was disappointing to read that the                                                           THIS STORY
Australian Poet, mooted as a future         Ace team were refusing to release        Angry,
Nobelist, lived in Fisher for a time in     the text of their response to your                                                    Dear Bull,
the 1960s.                                  publication – and ironic, given that        Peter Edward Antik
                                                                                                                                  I write to you because your
                                            they wish to be journalists who try to
This was before he was able to gain                                                       THIS MAGAZINE WHICH                     crusading, quality journalism is the
                                            get behind this kind of secrecy.
lodging in a local old-style pub. A                                                     I REGULARLY AND AVIDLY                    only thing that will get THE TRUTH
popular choice for male students in         Regards,                                          READ IS FILTH!                      out to your large base of readers, at
the 60s and 70s.                                                                                                                  least more than the 12 of my e-list.
                                                  The Vox Team                       Dear Editors,                                You see, there is a CONSPIRACY
Regards,                                                                                                                          to control AUSTRALIA and maybe
                                                     GET OFF MY LAWN                 I was sickened and disgusted by              NEW ZEALAND (my sources are not
   A. Herber                                                                         your oeuvre over the course of this          clear on the last one) by a secretive
                                            Dear Bull,                               year. Every edition contained some           cabal of GOLD merchants. They
     YOU’VE EXPOSED US…                                                              kind of debauched filth passing itself
                                            Kids these days. I mean with all the                                                  have secretly taken the supplies of
                                                                                     as humour. Toothbrushes as dildos,           Fort Knox under cover of the CIA
Dearest Editors,                            rock’n’roll and ‘hoola hoops’ and
                                                                                     endless sex with animals, selling bodily     and are using it to secretly flood
                                            worse, ‘pashing’, what’s come of
May I say, first of all, that those of you                                            fluids for money. That’s not clever,          the market and discourage people
                                            society? Your paper should run a
who have edited this fine publication                                                 OK? It’s not sharply observed satire,        moving from unsound currency to
                                            campaign to improve their morals.
for the entire year have done an                                                     it’s just saying what other people are       gold by manipulating this price!!!!!!!
absolutely outstanding job. On this         Regards,                                 too dignified to say. You should all
note may I comment on my absolute                                                    have a good, hard look at yourselves.        BARACK OBAMA IS IN ON THIS!
disgust in you letting some rookie                A. Carr Mudgeon, esq.                                                           So are the Nobel Committee and
                                                                                     Huffily,                                      the British Royal Family who have
scum replace a vibrant, intelligent
and talented editor such as Sara                  DON’T CALL US RACIST!                 Cecily Bonobo                             already shown their abilities to hide
Haghdoosti. Not only did you replace                                                                                              their flooding of the drug markets
the editor, but you also replaced my                                                 Dear Cecily,                                 behind the veil of prohibition which
love of this publication with a sheer       The article on neo-Nazis written by                                                   BIG TOBACCO wants. And THE
hatred. I only read the last editions       Diana Tjoeng made me full of boiling     You write like a chick with rockin’          MEDIA is in on it too, whenever I
of The Bull to laugh at the inane crap      bloody rage. All you newspaper-y         titties. We’d love to have a ‘good,          write they come back with things
that said editor produces. Cricket?         people ever do is take a good Aussie     hard’ look at you. How about it?             like ‘sources’ and ‘libel risk’ to
Music? Fucking fake skepticism              hero and give them a hard time. Take         Bull ;)                                  silence me, they are just part of the
articles? And if you expect me to           that Dr Jim Saleam, for example,                                                      conspiracy to control your MINDS
think some northern beaches pill-           seems like a top bloke to me. He’s                                                    why can’t people see??!!??!!!
                                                                                          HAVE YOU SEEN SARA?
head is funny in his crudeness, you're      just saying what everyone’s thinking:
                                                                                                                                  Because the education system has
losing your touch. He's clearly just        funny coloured people just don’t fit in   Dear Editors,
                                                                                                                                  been perverted by the TEACHER
copying his best mate's idea who            here.
                                                                                     We are writing to ask if you know            UNIONS who are secretly controlled
probably lifted him onto the editorial
                                            I’m not a racist, but. I’m a patriot.    anything about the whereabouts of            by the ZIONISTS and by HUGO
panel anyway.
                                            That’s why my wardrobe is only           Sara Haghdoosti, former editor of            CHAVEZ working in concert (under
I have no respect for this new editor       made up of Aussie flags. I have flags      this publication. She is wanted for          the cover of tense diplomatic rows)
and look forward to the days when                                                                                                 to turn young minds into SLAVES
he is rotting in a casket.                                                                                                        of the new world order. WE MUST
                                                                                                                                  STOP THIS!
                                                                                                                                  DEAR BULL PLEASE PUBLISH THIS
   Patrice Evraney                                                                                                                NOW and investigate if you need you
                                                                                                                                  can contact me but I can’t tell you
          HONI ELECTIONS                                                                                                          where because they’ll track me, this
                                                                                                                                  is worrying but if I can I will help you
Dear Bull,
                                                                                                                                  with the full story and uncover the
It was disappointing to read that the                                                                                             truth and stop the conspiracy in its
Vox team were refusing to release                                                                                                 tracks but WE NEED PEOPLE TO
the text of their complaint to your                                                                                               KNOW.
publication – and ironic, given that
they wish to be journalists who try to
get behind this kind of secrecy.                                                                                                      The TRUTH SEEKER
   The Ace Team

PAGE 14                                                                                                  THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
                                                                                                   OPINION POLLS
                                                                                                   35                              100
                                                                                                   20                              60
                                                                                               %                               %
                                                                                                   15                              40
                                                                                                    0                               0
                                                                                                      A   B    C                     A B C D
                                                                                               WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN            WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR IN
                                                                                               TO THE TAMIL ASYLUM            THE SULS ELECTIONS?
                                                                                                                            A. Forte.
                                                                                          A. KEEP THEM OUT                  B. Jump.
                                                                                          B. Let them in, but punish them   C. I exercised my legal and
 PETA COMPLAIN ABOUT THE                       humane way (i.e. placing it in a regal        by making them perform on         democratic right to vote below
 BULL. BUT IT’S OK BECAUSE                     forefront position in her own portrait),      the Hey Hey, It’s Saturday        the line.
       WE’RE BOVINE!                           perhaps it’s time you Bullies saw the         reunion.
                                               error of your exploitative ways and                                          D. What the fuck is SULS?
Dear Bull,                                                                                C. What’s an asylum seeker?
                                               treated these furry fiends in a more
As an avid representative the Animal           majestic manner. Ferrets are not for
Welfare Protection Society, Lower              token mentions. They may be illegal                 40                               35
Darlington Sector, Fifth Quadrant,             to keep as pets in Portugal, but they               35                               30
Episode IV, I must honestly express            certainly deserve all the respect and               30                               25
my utmost disgust and resentment               costume wardrobe they can find,                      25
at your treatment of our furry footed          under a recliner.                               %   20                          %
creatures in your cache of editions            Yours in domestication,
throughout 2009 that simply scream                                                                 10
pro-cruelty. Of particular note is your            Bertha McFrumpton-Smythe                         5                                5
exploitation of the bovine species,                                                                 0                                0
for pun and related-words worth,               Acting Sitting Standing Heeling                       A B C D E                        A   B   C
but more importantly my outrage                Dropping Honorary Treasurer                     WHO REALLY CONTROLS             DO YOU SUPPORT THE
stems from your conduct toward the             Animal Welfare Protection Society,                 THE ECONOMY?                 CHANGE IN FORMAT OF
humble rodentia Mustela putorius               Lower Darlington Sector, Fifth                                                       THE BULL?
                                                                                          A.   Kevin Rudd
furo otherwise known in layman’s               Quadrant, Episode IV
                                                                                          B.   Aliens                       A. Unsure
terms as the FERRET. Consistent
mentions in editor’s notes? A feature          Winner: Best in Show, Yooralla             C.   Cyborgs                      B. Don’t Know
photo on your Twitter cover? Even              Trampoline Ferreting Championships                                           C. Don’t Care
                                                                                          D.   George Soros
one of your fabled ‘Contrary Dairy’            2001-09,        featuring     entrant
                                               ‘Christobelle’ Black Sable with Roan       E.   The Socialist Alternative
nonsenses advocated purchasing
our lollopy-bodied comrades as a               colouring, 2 handicap.
means to combat the recession!
Have you no petantic shame, you                               REMORSE                              60
anti rodent-welfare peasants? The                                                                  50                          HOW WILL YOU SPEND
name ‘ferret’ is derived from the Latin        YOU MONSTER.
                                                                                                   40                           MOST OF STU-VAC?
furittus, meaning ‘little thief’, however      YOU ALMOST KILLED HER.
throughout 2009 it seems you and                                                               %   30                       A. Studying
your humanistic publication are more           WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!                                 20                       B. Facebook
than happy to rob the livelihood of            Regards,                                            10                       C. Masturbating
the world’s only animal to resemble
a sock-puppet. If Queen Elizabeth                  The future Mr. Blasko and every
                                                                                                        A      B     C
I can own a ferret in a relatively                 other male in Newtown.

                                                  LETTER OF THE YEAR
   Dear Bull,
   It was unfortunate to see The Bull sink to the kind of pro-shark partisanship
   peddled by reporters Michael Falk and Nick Kraegen last week (Fins of
   Fury, Edition 4). According to their 'expert', Ross Coleman, there's no way
   for us to defend against shark attack, and that if we want to enjoy the
   beach we just have to accept the risk of horrific mauling. It's a man vs
   shark ocean out there and the last thing we need is a shark-sympathiser
   of the kind Falk brought us telling us to leave our knives and spearguns
   at home. An objective report would have let readers know that there are
   in fact a number of ways to keep the shark at bay: by poking it in the eye
   for example, or thrusting your hand into its gills. Upgrading your hand to a
   harpoon with the aid of speargun makes you even safer, and also provides
   for a charming Dickensian theme.
       Tom Lee

   Congratulations to Tom, winner of our annual letter of the year award. Tom
   will receive a one-year subscription to Honi Soit as a prize.

THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009                                                                                  PAGE 15
WHAT’S                                                                              Le Petit Tarte Rendezvous
                                                                                                                                Camden Farms AGM

                                                                                    Le Petit Tarte, 219 Glebe Point Rd          Outside Webster Theatre
                                                                                    Join FrenchSoc for another round of         FOCUS AGM
                                                                                    coffee, cake and conversation
                                                                                    Women’s Board Mentoring                     New Law Building 011
                                          MONDAY 26 to                              Launch
                                          SUNDAY 1 November                         5pm
                                                                                                                                Drop-In Meditation
                                                                                    Board Common Room, Holme                    Holme Common Room
               For the full list of what’s on, visit   www.usuonline.com
                                                                                    USU is launching its revamped               Meditation in a quiet atmosphere.
                                                                                    Women’s Board Mentoring
                                                                                    Program. Get involved in this great         Lunchtime Sessions at
                                                                                    student leadership initiative. Contact      Manning
                                                French Study Group                                                              1-2pm
 MONDAY                                         2-3pm
                                                                                                                                Margaret Telfer, Manning
  26 OCTOBER                                    Isabel Fidler, Manning              Rock ya’ Balls Bingo
                                                                                                                                Lunch and music are on my mind…
                                                Get ready for those exams.          5-6pm
Vegesoc Lunch                                                                       Manning                                     PowerHouse Service
12-2pm                                          MUSE AGM                                                                        1-2pm
Manning Lawns                                                                       You sunk my battleship… wait,
                                                5-7pm                               wrong game.                                 Refectory (Quad)
$5 All you can eat vegetarian lunch.            Holme Common Room
                                                                                                                                Mid-week service right on campus.
                                                                                    Russoc Weekly Drinks
Orthodox Fellowship AGM                         SURG AGM                            5-7pm                                       Lingsoc Weekly Meeting
12-2pm                                          6-7.30pm                            Manning Bar                                 2pm - 4pm
                                                Meeting Room 1, Holme
Holme Reading Room                                                                                                              Transient Tearoom
                                                                                    ECOPSoc Weekly Drinks
Japanese Drama Screening                          TUESDAY                           5-7pm
                                                                                    Hermann’s Bar
                                                                                                                                Free lunch, speed scrabble, tête-à-
                                                                                                                                tête, and more!
1-2pm                                              27 OCTOBER
Carslaw 356
                                                                                    TowelSoc IGM                                CubeSoc AGM
Japanese TV [with English subtitles]!           Pizza & Parsha                      5-6pm                                       2-3pm
                                                1-2pm                               Isabel Fidler, Manning                      Manning House
HinduSoc. Discussions                           Loggia, Manning
1-2pm                                                                               SUITS Trivia Night                          Anthsoc AGM
                                                Pizza and Torah discussion with                                                 4-5.30pm
Eastern Avenue Tutorial Room 311
                                                                                    Manning Bar                                 Room 148, RC Mills
Meet some people and discuss
philosophy.                                     Weekly Anime Film                   Kiss goodbye a year of studies in           Postgrad Masquerade
                                                Screenings                          the only way worthy... a Trivia night!      Party
YouChoose                                       1-2pm                               and lots of drinking.                       5pm
1-2pm                                           Architecture Lecture Theatre 3                                                  Hermann’s Bar
Manning Bar                                                                         Finance & Banking Soc AGM
                                                “Canaan” and a RANDOM episode                                                   Celebrate the end of semester with
Show us your Youtubes!                                                                                                          SUPRA and USUat the Postgrad
                                                Tuesday Tunes                       Merewether 3
                                                                                                                                Masquerade Party. Come sporting
Mnml Mndays                                     1-2pm                                                                           yourfinest mask......or take a
Manning Balcony
                                                Manning Balcony
                                                                                     WEDNESDAY                                  lucky dip mask at the door! Two
                                                                                                                                free complimentary drinks for all
                                                Beats on the balcony at lunchtime     28 OCTOBER                                postgrads!
Mnml music to chill out at lunch to.
                                                Hong Kong Club AGM                  The Executive AGM                           Biography Society IGM
Vet Science Revue Society GM                    1-3pm                               12-2pm                                      5-7pm
1-2pm                                           Holme Reading Room                  Isabel Fidler, Manning                      Loggia, Manning House
Webster Lecture Theatre

Sydney Uni’s End of Semester                                                                                                    SUDS presents:
Madrigal Society 10th                                                                                                           A Flea In Her Ear
Year Anniversary Concert                                                                                                        8pm, 21- 24 October
Tuesday 27 October, 7:30pm                                                                                                      The Cellar, Holme Building
Refectory, Holme Building                                                                                                       Raymonde thinks Victor is cheating
(Featuring Instrumentalists from the                                                                                            on her. Victor thinks he has a secret
Australian Baroque Brass, The Sydney                                                                                            admirer. Lucienne tries to catch Victor
Conservatorium Early Music Ensemble,                                                                                            cheating on Raymonde. Lucienne's
and The Madrigal Alumni Choir, Barefoot Musica Antigua, The Pocket Score                                                        husband thinks she's cheating on
Company, and The Madrigal Society - we will present a plethora of ancient music                                                 him with Victor, and is a gun-toting
in a massive birthday extravaganza, fit for a high camp renaissance king.                                                        Spaniard. Camille is boning the
                                                                                                                                cook, and using Victor's name at a
                                                                                                                                seedy hotel, but has a cleft palate so
  SENATE ELECTIONS USU Past President up for Uni Senate seat                                                                    no-one understands him.
  Ruchir Punjabi, USU’s Immediate Past President, is out to “protect the
  student experience” as he vies for a spot on the Uni Senate. See how he plans                                                 Confused? Sydney Uni Drama
  to represent your interests at www.usuonline.com > About USU > News.                                                          Society presents one hilarious French
                                                                                                                                farce full of double entendre.

PAGE 016                                                                                               THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
Sunset Jazz                                    “Eden of the East” + RANDOM.            Manning The Decks                                                Weekend Warm-Up
5-8pm                                                                                  4-6pm                                                            4-6pm
Hermann’s Bar                                  Movers & Shakers AGM                    Manning Balcony                                                  Manning Balcony
Live jazz from the Jazz Society.               Isabel Fidler                           Relax on the Balcony                                             Weekend…sooo..clooose!

Manning Trivia                                 SUWIE EGM                               Hermann’s Trivia                                                 Arts Advanced Student’s
5-6pm                                          1-2pm                                   5-6pm                                                            Club IGM
Manning Balcony                                PNR Drawing Office                       Hermann’s Bar                                                    4-5pm
                                                                                                                                                        Holme Common Room
Impress with your mighty mind.                                                         If in doubt, write something silly.
                                               MUGS AGM
SUMS Choir Rehearsal                           1-2pm                                   StuccoSoc Pot Luck                                               Madrigal Soc AGM / Party
                                               Purcell Room, Mechanical                                                                                 5-6.30pm
6.30-9.30pm                                                                            Dinner
                                               Engineering                                                                                              Barnard Eldershaw, Manning
Bosch 1A, Theatre 4                                                                    6-9pm
                                                                                       Stucco, Newtown                                                  Liberal Club GM
For the upcoming 51st Carolfest.               French Conversation
                                               Groups                                  Celebrate the creation of                                        5.30-6.30pm
MADSOC Minor Showcase                          1-2pm                                   Stuccosoc, the one and only co-                                  Holme Meeting Room 1
7pm-12am                                       Manning Backcourt                       operative society!
Manning Bar                                                                                                                                             Sailing@Sydney AGM
                                               Tu as besoin d’un peu de pratique       Law Revue Society AGM                                            6-9pm
A showcase of works                            en francais?                            6.30-8.30pm                                                      Mandlebaum House
choreographed and performed by
                                                                                       Holme Reading Room
members of MADSOC - putting                    IYF Academy
their new-found (or more developed)
                                                                                                                                                        The Amity Affliction
                                               2pm - 4pm                               Hillsong Campus AGM                                              7-11pm
skills to performance, and                     Holme Reading Room
celebrating the end of semester!                                                       7-8.30pm                                                         Manning Bar
                                               Dance, Korean language and Bible        SU Village
                                                                                                                                                        Access: $14.50 + bf, General
Project 52                                     study.                                                                                                   $17+bf. Lic/AA
8:30-10:30 pm                                                                          International House
Hermann’s Bar                                  BricSoc AGM                             Residents Society IGM
                                               2-3pm                                   9-10am
Ha ha ha, and so on and so forth.              Manning                                 International House                                               SATURDAY
                                                                                                                                                          31 OCTOBER
                                               Gaius Gracchus Election
  THURSDAY                                     2-3pm                                     FRIDAY
                                                                                         30 OCTOBER                                                     Cumberland 30th
  29 OCTOBER                                   Loggia, Manning House
                                                                                                                                                        Anniversary Celebrations
                                               International Business Society AGM
                                                                                       International Law Students                                       11am-4pm
Weekly Dharma Talks                            4-5pm                                   Society IGM                                                      Faculty of Health Sciences 745 East
12-1pm                                                                                                                                                  Street, Lidcombe
                                               Merewether SR6                          10.30-11.30am
Holme Meeting Room 1                                                                   International House                                              To celebrate our 30th anniversary,
Busshist learning.
                                               Foundation Program                                                                                       please join us for an educational
                                               Society IGM                             TED Talks Screening                                              and fun-filled day that will give you
Vegesoc Lunch                                  4-5.30pm                                1-3pm                                                            the chance to explore the Health
                                               Law Building Front Lawn                 Margaret Telfer                                                  Sciences campus.
Engineering Lawns                                                                                                                                       Club Kooky
                                               Psyche AGM                              Teochew Society AGM
                                               4-6pm                                   2-4pm                                                            9pm-3am
                                               Loggia, Manning House                   Isabel Fidler, Manning                                           Hermann’s Bar
Hermann’s Bar                                                                                                                                           $12 entry - at the door only. 18+
                                               SUASA AGM                               DOTA Society AGM
Weekly Anime Film                              5-6.30pm                                3-4.30pm
Screenings                                     Holme Reading Room                      Holme Meeting Room 1
Architecture Lecture Theatre 3

                                               International                                                                                            Purple Sneakers
                                               Student Lounge                                                                                           NYE House Party 18+
                                               Official Opening                                                                                          Thursday 31 December, 8pm
                                                                                                                                                        1pm, Tuesday 27 October
                                               1pm, Tuesday 27 October
                                                                                                                                                        Manning House
                                               Head up to the new International
                                               Student Lounge on level 4 of                                                                             Last year’s SELL-OUT New Year’s
                                               Wentworth for the Official Launch!                                                                        Bash is BACK to rock all 3 levels of
                                               Featuring cultural C&S stalls, a talk                                                                    Manning into 2010!
                                               from Deputy Vice-Chancellor Prof
                                                                                                                                                         The Grates | The Boxer Rebellion
                                               Derrick Armstrong, and other great
                                                                                                                                                          Ponytail | Baddies | Red Riders
                                               services on display!
                                                                                                    THE BOXER REBELLION                    U
                                                                                                                                                           Philadelphia Grand Jury | Oz
                                                                                                      PONYTAIL BADDIES U
                                                                                                                       S               U                         and many more
                                                                                           RED RIDERS PHILADELPHIA GRAND JURY Dz
                                                                                                                       A               K

                                                                                           HUGE SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT OF DJS & DANCE ACTS COMING SOON!!   Tickets on sale now!
                                                                                                                                                        Go to www.manningbar.com >

THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009                                                                                                                  PAGE 17
                                                                                                                                                                                      PAGE 017

                                                                                                                        DR. NASTY

                                                                                                                         Dear Dr. Nasty,
Dear Bull,
                                                             There is only one class of criminal that I will             I’ll miss you next year when The Bull goes
This will be my final letter from Sprogging Downs,
                                                             leave unmolested, and that is the maker of                  monthly. Where will I get my smutty sex
as I have decided to pursue a full-time career in
                                                             beautiful moonshine. If I happen across a                   advice then?!
vigilantism. My father calls it the easy way out,
but clearly he’s never had to hit an ice-head                gentle soul who spends his days naughtily                   Nasty Girl
in the testicles with a rubber bullet from 100               stilling liquor from his corn-squeezin’s,
yards. Ironically, he has been hit in the groin by           well I shall bid him good day and keep on
police projectiles on no less than 17 occasions,             walking. Maybe I’ll set down a spell, sample                Dear Nasty Girl,
some of which were due to methamphetamine,                   some of his product, shoot the breeze. But after            Ja, ja, it is true – Dr Nasty will no longer be
and the others his dalliances with the autistic,             that, I’ll get up, set his dog on fire, and walk on          disgr(ac)ing the pages of the new Bull in
nymphomaniac daughter of a clergyman.                        down the road.                                              2010. It has been a wild ride, my child. 2009
Also, a lot of people seem to think that being               I don’t expect you to understand my choices,                saw me getting fucked in so many ways –
a full-time enforcer of mob law won’t pay the                Bull. But frankly I don’t have to explain myself to         in secret by John Della Bosca, in a public
rent. I disagree. Being the arbiter of right and             you city-softened, flambé-fancying pansies, so               toilet by George Michael, in the arse by the
wrong affords a person the opportunity to steer              you can all go shit an armadillo and die for what           Honi elections. I hope that my sage advice
the law in new and advantageous directions. I                I care.                                                     has helped many in their journey to sexual
anticipate, for instance, being able to eat out                                                                          enlightenment. I wish I could tell you that next
                                                             I hope you languish for eternity in the cheesey,            year there will be a similar column for you
at fancy restaurants and attend the theatre and
                                                             smegmatic hell you deserve.                                 eager punters, but what with The Bull going
concert halls as much as I please. As payment
for these things, I will refrain from leaving pipe                                                                       all monthly and serious like a menstruating
                                                             Hugs and kisses,
bombs in the cars of the proprietors. One hand                                                                           fraulein, and Honi Soit being run by people
blows up the other.                                                                                                      who apparently get off on Lego and hats,
                                                                                                                         I fear that there will be a gaping hole (heh)
                                                                                                                         on campus for a feculently feckless, slightly
                                                                                                                         demented and utterly perverse sex writer
                                                               Anyway, so me and Watto thought we’d just go
                                                                                                                         such as myself, to educate the masses about
 A LETTER FROM DEE WHAT                                        and buy one. We both have credit cards (the
                                                                                                                         what goes where and for how long.
                                                               suckers at the bank gave us both $20,000 limits)
                                                               so we hoped they’d split the bill for the deposit.        So what does the future hold for little Ivanka?
                                                               We were looking round the beaches, coz I’m not            Dahlink, Dr Nasty is moving to America,
                                                               moving more than a couple of blocks from home.            where the flavours of condoms (and men
                                                               Watto feels the same, so thank God we live next to        to fill them) are more varied and delicious
                                                               each other. There were a couple of apartments and         than here in vanilla sex Australia. They say
                                                               shit in what my parents thought were in our ‘price        everything’s bigger in Texas – my child, it
                                                               range’. Watto found the real deal though: a three-        is so, so true. The foot long subways are
                                                               storey, six-bedroom mansion on the top of the hill.       absolutely mouth-watering (the sandwiches
                                                               North-facing aspect, an elevator, swimming pool,          aren’t bad either).
                                                               sauna, pool and ping-pong tables included; all the
                                                               bells and whistles.                                       I will begin my sojourn in New York – a city
Hey Bull,
                                                                                                                         where it’s socially acceptable for an elderly,
I never once read a word of this entire year’s                 We went to the auction with no real idea of what          neurotic Jewish filmmaker to marry his young
publication, because you guys mustn’t have                     sort of price we were looking at. When eight million      Korean adopted daughter; whose island is
recorded my address properly when I sent in                    got touted as the starting bid, we almost fell over.      shaped like a massive phallus and where
my subscription form. Accordingly, I want my 65                What a bargain! We ended up getting it for 11 mil,        an entire suburb is referred to as the ‘Meat
bucks back, you scamming weasels.                              not bad considering how rockin’ this pad is.              Packing District’.
Otherwise, I thought I’d tell you a little story about the     As soon as my parents found out we’d signed that          Now that sounds like my kind of place.
other day when I decided to buy a house. I’m 24 these          shit over (I’d flogged their credit card just in cast
                                                               forty grand wouldn’t cut it) they kicked me out of        Yours offensively, smuttily, outrageously and
days, though my curly blonde hair tends to lead to
                                                               the house for three days. Dad sold the construction       eternally,
people underestimating my age. I live at home, which
is heaps mad, but it would probably lead to a little bit       business for some reason, and mum now works at            Dr. Nasty
of awkwardness when I finally land that elusive fishy.           the café with me. We’re closer as a family than ever.
Obviously my sexual prowess (so far untested) would            Give me my 65 back you cunts,
deprive my parents of hours of sleep, which, by the
look of ‘em, they desperately need.                            Darrell Darrellson

                                                               and unworn black sweaters, and decided to try           friends think I’ve sold out!). I’ve enrolled in an MBA,
  A LETTER                                                     and find the ultimate lifestyle to subvert.              bought a suit, and am looking for a house around
  FROM SURRY HILLS                                             My travels first took me to the hamlet of Sprogging
                                                                                                                       Castle Hill. Now I just need a wife and kids. And
                                                                                                                       a job.
                                                               Downs – what could be more worthy of subversion
Dear Bull,                                                     than boganism? But then I realised it was all too       I offered the players in my experimental theatre
You won’t believe how creative I have been lately.             obvious – the residents’ habits of incest, heavy        company those roles, but none of them wanted
You see, I figured that my experimental theatre                 drug use, and creative violence were simply a           to venture west of Leichhardt. What a lack of
company was not going far enough – we were                     mirror of my own urban decadence. Clearly they          commitment to their art. But no matter – I’m going
doing a production of Oedipus Rex in drag, and                 are all people like me from some time ago, who          to do something even more subversive and cruise
                                                               thought they could try performing a role by moving      Westfields for a bride.
whilst it was all very subversive and all I wanted to
do something different.                                        to the country but then ended up their old selves       Ta-Ta (or ‘Oooo-Rooo’ as I believe they say in
                                                               again.                                                  these parts),
So I decided to work out what the ultimate act of
subversion would be. And it was clear – I needed               So now, I have taken a route that could never           Phillipe
to start performing the role of the bourgeoisie. So            be mistaken for anything but utter middle class         Maximillian-Smith
I sold my remaining cocaine, VHS tapes, hair dolls             dreariness (yes, it is so subversive that even my

                                                                                                                 TICKETS FOR ALL SHOWS NOW AVAILABLE FROM
                                                                                                                 and The ACCESS Centre, Level 2, Manning House, Manning Road,
                                                                                                                 The University of Sydney T. 02 9563 6000

                                                                    THE STAIRWAY TO HELL TOUR FEAT.                                                        7PM FRI
                                                                  THE AMITY AFFLICTION                                                                    30 OCT
                                                               + WE ARE THE OCEAN (UK) + HOPELESS                                                   USU Members* $14.50 + bf
                                                                                                                                                        Regular $17 + bf

                                                                                                                                                          8PM SAT
                                                                                 THE BAKERY                                                                7 NOV
                                                                             JUNGLE EXTRAVAGANZA                                                                 18+
                                                                                                                                                    USU Members* $12.75 + bf
                                                                                                                                                        Regular $15 + bf

                                                                                                                                                           6PM FRI
                                                                                        50 LIONS                                                         13 NOV
                                                                          + TRAPPED UNDER ICE (USA)                                                              18+
                                                                         + WORD UP+ PERSIST + HAD IT                                                  USU Members* $19 + bf
                                                                                                                                                         Regular $22 + bf

                                                                                                                                                          7PM THU
                                                                                     MEST (USA)                                                          14 NOV
                                                                         + SLEEPERS + TONIGHT ALIVE                                                           LIC/AA
                                                                                + LIGHTS OUT                                                        USU Members* $27.50 + bf
                                                                                                                                                        Regular $32 + bf


                                          Booking fee applies to all presale tickets. Presale tickets will always be cheaper than doorsales.
                                           All events are 18+ unless noted as All Ages. Management reserves the right to refuse entry.

       SATURDAY 31 OCTOBER, 9PM                                                                            FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER, 8PM
                          CLUB KOOKY                                                           THAT’S THEM (“STAY UP” ALBUM LAUNCH)
                 LIVE: THE MUMPS                                                                               + RAINMAN (QLD) + SWARMY
       SHOW: SEX & GLITTA + JUSTIN SHOULDER                                                                       HOSTED BY SCOTT BURNS
          DJ’S: GEMMA & SEYMOUR BUTZ                                                                         DJ’S: PSYKEONE, BUTCHER & MORE

       THURSDAY 5 NOVEMBER, 8PM                                                                        SATURDAY 7 NOVEMBER, 8PM
                 THE PREHISTORICS                                                               NJE “APPETISER (THE ENTRÉE)” LAUNCH
                                                                                               + PHILOSOPHIZE + UNTAYMABLE + SCEPTIC & DSEEVA
            + HELL CRAB CITY + MOTHER MARS                                                       FEAT. DJ SKAE + BEAT THEORY COLLECTIVE CREW
                     + THE HELLVES                                                                + J. WATERS FEAT MISSTORRI + BLASÉ + CFOE
THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
                                                           of   Sydn
                                                                     ey   Unio



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                benefits both     BUY NOW!!!
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