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Scandal, indignity &
a general lack of pants
Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009. www.usuonline.com
The year that was:
STRIPPING
DOWN 2009
CYBORG CONTROL
to reunionite USU
READERS LASH OUT
WITH MAD COW DISEASE
BEAM ME
UP SPENCEY
Extraterrestrials in the Quad!
SURFING THE SINTERNET: THE WORST CLICKS IN TOWN
CREDITS TODAY'S TOP EDITOR’S NOTE
Editors
Robert Chiarella
STORIES We promised nudity. Or at least, partial nudity. Alas, despite our best interests
in bringing you a busty Page 3 girl, our saucy senorita suffered from stage-
Bridie Connellan Page 4 fright moments before being snapped in his mankini. Dare to visualize. In
Patrick Effeney The UFO’s have landed! All hail fluro.
Nick Kraegen new alien overlords!
Diana Tjoeng To stinge on the peepshow for our final edition for the year is a pretty major
thebull@usu.usyd.edu.au Page 6 faux pas and one we’re not prepared to own. But we do have UFOs. We’ve
Scoops! Exclusives! Imperative got Babar. We’ve got Jonathon Holmes. We’ve got Obama. From the latest
Contributors in breaking campus news, to a nostalgic wander down 2009 Boulevard, this
Alistair Stephenson exclamations!
week The Bull goes tabloid. But as we sift through the future rulings of the
Andrew Marriott USU and click on some ghastly sites we really regret, it’s time to put ourselves
Arghya Gupta Page 7
under the microscope and get reviewed, as this beefy publication gets a
Aristotle Claymore Our new president’s inaugural
delicious roasting. Meanwhile our faithful regulars are still up to no intrinsic
Callie Henderson address. End communication.
good, and it’s about time someone slapped at least one or all of them.
Darrell Darrellson
Lawrence Del Gigante Page 8 In the twilight of our Bullian publishing we may have questionable sources, we
Michael Burrell News, taboos and scandaloos may have outlandish claims, and above all we may come across as blatantly
Michael Falk to boot! untruthful. All we know is we believe in facts, and we know there’s a Code of
Dr. Nasty Ethics buried somewhere under the mountain of Zoo magazines decorating
Phillipe Maximillian-Smith Page 10 the desktops. Something about integrity…
Design BREAKING NEWS: 2009 But like sands through the hourglass, so the days of our editorial meanderings
Carl Ahearn almost over. Must reflect. Stat! force themselves through a glass tube and fight for supremacy atop a pile
Anjali Belani of grains. Or something along those lines. You asked, we delivered. You
Page 12 whinged, we smirked. You reported, we applauded. You read, we chewed
Communications Officer REVIEWS: Who the hell reads our cud. With a new cache of possibly better qualified and definitely more
Chris Beaumont this Bull thing anyway? well-kept Eds to take the reins for 2010, it’s time for us to bow out and have a
www.usuonline.com glass of port. Or sherry. Mulled wine? Whatever it is you kids scull to celebrate
Page 13 these days.
The views in this publication The internet: It’s a scary place.
are not necessarily the views Cheers to a flipping gangbusters year.
It’s also downright wrong.
of USU. And moo to you too.
The information contained
Page 14
within this edition of The Bull Robert, Nick, Diana, Pat & Bridie
YOUR SAY. And some of
was correct at the time of (Editors/Bovine Conservationists 2009)
ours too.
printing.
Page 16
What's On... ON A SERIOUS NOTE…
Despite the tabloidic outrageousness and questionable accuracy of our last
Page 18 edition for 2009, I would request that if anything, you loyal readers take this
All the Regulars. humble box seriously for just one moment.
It is with sadness and much disbelief that this semester ends with the untimely
This publication is brought passing of one of our own, second-year Arts student Jordan McClellan. At the
to you by the University This publication is unripened age of 19, Jordan passed away in the early hours of 16 October
of Sydney Union and The printed on environmentally due to an accident of unfair and unforeseen circumstance, mere hours after
University of Sydney. friendly paper.
an incredible performance at the Theatresports Grand Final.
Life is abominably unfair, taking those with so much potential before their
time. An accomplished actor, a burgeoning comedian, a downright genuine
human being, Jordan McClellan was a talent to boot. He amazed in SUDS, he
amused in Arts Revue and he absolutely astounded in his weekly rabbles at
Theatresports and Project 52. A soul who never looked happier constructing
a skit about God’s fusion of birds and crocodiles or a man with guns for
hands, Jordan had his own comedic style to simultaneously shock and
delight. Improvising seamlessly with his fellow players, his love of the stage
could only be surpassed by his love of those onstage beside him.
As those who knew him best somehow attempt to piece together their own
little memories of Jordan and those unique adventures had with this stand-up
individual, it becomes clear that this funny little guy meant something special to
everyone. He knew way too much, or just the right amount, about Star Wars.
He improvised an entire skit about cyanide flavoured ice-cream and basement
confinement. He freestyle-rapped about fornicating in Fisher Reserve. He was
one hell of a gun on Nintendo 64. Jordan was the type of guy who would
give his right arm for a friend, and his left foot as a down payment if the time
and place called for it. Even his Facebook read ‘Political Views: whatever
everyone else in the conversation agrees on’ and ‘Religious Views: something
that makes me friends’. Jordan you amazingly excellent noob.
We send our thoughts and wishes to Jordan’s family and girlfriend Courtney,
and while words can never console such a loss, we wish only the warmest
comforts in these days when ‘how are you?’ seems the silliest question
imaginable.
The halls of Manning, the stages of Hermann’s, and the very cobblestones of
Sydney Uni will never be the same without the laugh of this larrikin, nor will his
infectious enthusiasm for life ever fade from our hearts.
Jordan my friend, you will be missed, ridiculously much. Rest peacefully now,
we’re holding our beers ever so high.
Bridie Connellan
PAGE 03
ALIENS
INVADE!
STUDENTS GET DRUNK
Diana Tjoeng investigates the arrival of extra-terrestrials on campus.
Yesterday morning, a UFO land at Sydney University, the Vice- gave up and retracted their powerful
suddenly appeared above the Chancellor replied, “Well, of course mind-entering televisual beams.
Sydney University Quadrangle. Not they would select this fine institution Onlookers were disappointed that
that many people noticed. Due to begin their tirade of doom and they would not be able to use the
to misinformation about global destruction. What? You think they’d alien technology to watch Gossip
warming, many students sitting in ever settle for UTS? As you know, Girl all day.
the Quad at the time thought that we’ve been very pleased to move
Overnight, people pitched tents in
the enormous shadow cast by the up this year in the TIME magazine
the Quad and held a candle-lit vigil
UFO was actually the sun gasping university rankings. Granted, we’re
in honour of the extra-terrestrials.
and exploding in a fit of rage; this no Oxford University…but at least
Inevitably, it turned into a massive
had been expected for some while. we still have Harry Potter buildings.”
rager with thousands of people
However, students eventually noticed
As a large crowd of staff and spewing on the sacred sandstone.
the presence of the flying saucer
students gathered inside the Quad to Some drunk first-year boys were
when they heard the ominous beat of
marvel at the UFO, they were treated seen attempting to throw empty
‘Ice, ice baby’ reverberating through
to a special and rare attempt at beer bottles at the spacecraft.
the air with magnificent force. It
communication from the intergalactic Unconfirmed accounts said the boys
seems the aliens were pumping the
beings. Demonstrating their superior were zapped with an orange light
classic song out of their fully sick,
technological advancement, the and never seen again. The aliens’
modified spacecraft speakers.
aliens were able to project a visual anger was further aroused when a
The student body reacted in very image right into the minds of every group of rockers were heard loudly
different ways. Members of the onlooker. It was as if each individual criticising Vanilla Ice. The extra-
Socialist Alternative were seen to had a tiny television switched on terrestrials responded by pointing
throw their pamphlets into the air inside their heads. The first image thousands of laser beams at different
and shout: ‘The revolution has that flashed inside the minds of the parts of the Quadrangle. A weapon
finally come!’, while the Costume onlookers was tauntingly…an image assault is yet to occur but tension
Society was pleased that their alien of themselves standing there looking remains in the air.
outfits would finally come in handy. stupid. Then, some strange garbled The Vice-Chancellor has met today
Suspiciously, several of the Union noises echoed all around. Many with key University officials to discuss
Board Directors were not contactable bystanders assumed this was the pending negotiations with the space
right at the time of the invasion. aliens’ attempts to communicate invaders. An Australian Idol-style
This follows unconfirmed reports with them in a strange-sounding contest may be held to determine
throughout the year of an eerie green language. One can only imagine Sydney University’s ambassador to
light glowing under the doorframe of what the aliens were trying to say. the aliens; the program’s prototype
the Board Directors’ office. Experts suggest it may have been: name is currently Alien Sacrifice.
‘You humans really are as ugly-
However, Vice-Chancellor Michael looking as we expected.’
Spence was on hand to deal with
the situation. When asked why he After about two minutes of the
thought the aliens had chosen to garbled noises, the space invaders
PAGE 04 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
“When asked why he thought the aliens had chosen to land at Sydney University, the Vice-Chancellor replied, ‘Well, of course
they would select this fine institution to begin their tirade of doom and destruction. What? You think they’d ever settle for UTS?
As you know, we’ve been very pleased to move up this year in the TIME magazine university rankings. Granted, we’re no Oxford
University…but at least we still have Harry Potter buildings.’”
1. Tell us about your previous 2. Why do you think the aliens have 4. Who do you think should be
experiences with UFOs. chosen to land at Sydney Uni? chosen from the Sydney Uni
My first experience with a UFO was The thing about aliens is that they community to communicate with
one time when my mate Derrin and know where and when they can cop the aliens?
I were drinking some of our home a root. These are beings who've Well that depends, really. If they have
brew. It wasn't really home brew, mastered intergalactic travel, and some kind of intellectual discourse,
actually, it was more like metho you don't get to that sort of level to teach us, I think it would be good
mixed with Napisan. The thing about of thinking when you're nursing the to send someone with impeccable
that stuff is that it'll put you in the blue balls. Innovation is always built rote-learning ability and not too
mindset to be open to things you on the basis of an iron-clad regimen many preconceived notions in
never thought were possible before. of good, hard, regular shagging. The their head. Probably someone from
I've always said, I'm not gay, but if reason that they came to Sydney third-year Media. They're empty
you get some Napisan and metho Uni is that it's got the highest vessels ready for the filling. I mean
down me I'm anybody's. Really. concentration of fine ladyfolk this that in a dirty way, too. Otherwise,
Anyway, things had got a bit extreme side of Alpha Centauri. And you as I have already hypothesised, if
On average, there are between me and Dezz, so I decided don't have to be from a race of they are here for interstellar rumpy,
about 40 UFO sightings in to go for a bit of a walk. I was down super-intelligent beings to know that I think we should send a horse. I've
by the creek and suddenly there they're not exactly fussy, either. been watching some videos [see
Australia each year. Out of were these lights in the sky, like you page 13] and frankly I'm inspired.
those, again on average, hear about. And everything started 3. What do you think are the Those horses really have something
intentions of the aliens?
38 are reported by just whirling around and I didn't know
Well if there're any roughly humanoid,
to teach us in terms of rooting
one individual: USYD's what was what. Anyway, I passed prowess. Having an 18-inch penis,
out and when I came to my arse roughly female-type creatures for instance, it emerges, is an
own Aristotle Claymore. was as sore as buggery. I'm pretty involved, I think I've proved that I'm advantage for the owner and
The Bull caught up with sure I'd been taken up in the ship an open-minded enough kind of guy nobody else. But anyway, we should
and probed. That's what I'd like to to help them out with whatever needs send somebody with near-insatiable
Aristotle to get his thoughts of a personal nature they might have.
believe, anyway. My recollection urges, who is ambidextrous, and
on recent events. Other than that, who knows? Blow
of the evening is hazy at best, and double-jointed in as many places as
the alternative explanation of my up the earth, enslave us all. Whatever possible. Trust me, if you're going to
tenderness just doesn't sit right with it is, it's going to happen. One thing show an alien a good time, you're
my self-concept. I've learned is that you don't say no going to feel it in the morning.
to a man with a raygun, or a litre of
solvent and detergent down him.
PAGE 05
One week JACKSON 5 Babar's elephant kingdom
you’re inny. WRONG ON LAY BLAME VIOLENTLY OVERTHROWN
SOLELY
TO
THE BOOGIE:
SUNSHINE, MOONLIGHT
The next, AND GOOD TIMES
EQUALLY AT FAULT
YOU’RE Andrew Marriott
An allegation emerged overnight that
OUTY
Lawrence Del Gigante
the debilitating condition of being
unable to control one’s feet was, in
fact, attributable to multiple factors,
not just the boogie.
“I wish Michael researched his
sources better before he made
such wild accusations,” said one
wheelchair-bound sufferer. “The
Andrew Marriott ‘civilised’ and forces us all to wear
sunshine, moonlight and good
pants. Pants! We should be eating
times were equally to blame. I Celestville, once known for being a peanuts or something. Babar was
mean the good times and the surprisingly prosperous and politically
boogie have certain overlapping born an elephant, and should never
stable African kingdom (and having
features, aren't you always having been involved in this 'I-wish-I-had-
Outy. Ew. talking animals and shit) descended
a good time when you boogie? He opposable-thumbs' bullshit. How did
into anarchy overnight, as King Babar
The fashion world was shaken today should be clearer in categorising the he put on his little red bowtie? I just
met a violent end at the feet of his
after it learnt that super model, Emily elements! The Jackson Five should didn’t trust him.”
stampeding elephant subjects.
Scott, had an outwardly protruding stick to performing infectious iconic “And what’s wrong with being an
bellybutton, more commonly known disco songs – not misdiagnosing Although children worldwide loved
the idea of Babar's ruling elephant elephant? We can wash our backs
as an ‘outy.’ The discovery was medical conditions. I don’t care if
family, local elephants found his with our trunk, that’s cool right? You
made after her long time boyfriend, Michael's dead – with this crippling
absolute monarchy politically and can’t forget your ways Babar, we’re
Brad Chadwick, experienced both condition some days I wish I was.”
confusion and difficulty when he morally offensive, seeing it as a elephants and we never forget!”
tried to drink a tequila shot from her In other shocking news, a lengthy justification for colonialism. The violent
government investigation has It is unclear what the future holds for
bellybutton. coup was formed as a result of the
revealed that the identity of the Celestville, but there are reports of a
demand to return to fundamentalist
It has since been revealed that air mysterious ‘Man in the Mirror’ with cocky lion cub boasting that he ‘just
elephant ways.
brushing was used in her promotions whom Mr Jackson pleaded to can’t wait to be king’. “Sheesh,” said
and acting roles to give her body ’change his ways’ was, in fact, his “Who does he think he is?” said Gary. “I hope not, I don’t want to wait
an ‘inny’ in order to make her look own reflection. protestor, Gary. “He goes off next to a rock for that baboon to hold
like a normal person. Her modelling to France and comes back all him up. I get really bad sunburn.”
companies have since terminated
the contracts they held with her now
that her ‘outy’ predicament is public
knowledge. In a statement released
this afternoon, Scott has vowed to
sue her modelling companies on the
grounds of contumelious foofaraw.
THE COVER-UP that dare not speak its name…
She has also spearheaded the Nick Kraegen
development of several non-profit
organisations designed to help A University of Tasmania academic’s new theory
‘outies’ (as these poor people have concerning the origins and goals of the ‘lesbian’
come to be known) cope with their sexuality, has sparked debate and speculation in the
condition; quite an impressive feat community.
given the incredibly short time “It has to be an ultra-feminist secret society. Only by
frame. At a rally earlier today, Scott rejecting men in all ways can they achieve the solidarity
exclaimed, “What gives people needed for the ultimate overthrow of the patriarchy, or,
the right to judge the content of as they call it, penisocracy,” said Dr Richard Fidler.
our character by the way our
A lesbian secret society…what would their secret handshake be?
bellybuttons bulge?” Dr Fidler believes his ‘Lesbian Secret Society’ provides
the only explanation to what he sees as the logical
Her detractors released a statement inconsistencies of women who love women. Self-appointed and confusingly-titled King of the
saying that no judgements were
Lesbians, K.D. Lang, responded to the theory with
made on her character. They argue “Clearly the idea that these women are just attracted
to women is ridiculous,” he said. “Orlando Bloom is scepticism.
instead that outies “just look weird
and they are aesthetically displeasing some kind of demi-god and even I would be happy to “Look, even if we were a secret society, and I’m not
and sexually submissive”. eat treacle off or out of any part of him.” saying that we are, you can hardly blame some women
According to statistics from the ABS, Unfortunately for Dr Fidler, he personally has not been for not wanting to jump into bed with every big sweaty
over 23 per cent of the population able to gauge the reactions of the lesbian community. truck driver that comes along,” said Ms Lang.
suffer from the condition, coined Fidler plans to continue his investigation of the group,
“I can’t find them anywhere, and believe me I’ve been
‘bauble button’. Furthermore, 77 per and provide the government with regulate updates on
looking,” he said. “But just like bigfoot, aliens and
cent of people in this group undergo the strength and imminence of the ‘lesbian threat’.
leprechauns, the only place I seem to be able to find
elective surgery to have their belly
a real, live lesbian is on the internet - where there’s
buttons reconstructed into an ‘inny,’ “If you saw some of the videos I’ve downloaded, you’d
plenty, incidentally.
an increase of 30 per cent after the know we’re dealing with a ruthless and hardened foe,”
government run intervention ‘outy “If they’re not just hanging around the place like he said. “If you see a stocky lass with a crew-cut and
you come, inny you go’. Two out everybody else, where are they? In some giant cage a pumpkin, I’d advise you to run.”
of every 10 people commit suicide somewhere? You shouldn’t put women in cages.”
each year due to bellybutton related
incidents.
PAGE 06 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
We are rapidly optimising our
policies to meet the changing
needs of our stakeholders. In order
to encourage more participation
in academic life, we have removed
the beer pipes from Manning and
Hermann’s and replaced them with
No-Doz dispensing machines. We
have performed extensive market
research on The Bull and decided to
Hello everyone, my name is to two conclusions. The first is
change its format to that of a tabloid
CEO3000 and I am your new USU that democracy is ineffective. The
newspaper, reflecting a strategy
President. As you may be aware, second is that the SRC is even being undertaken with some success
the USU has recently been taken more ineffective and that we should by other major publications such as
over by cyborgs. I would like to take instead target the USU for takeover. The Sydney Morning Herald. This did
this opportunity to inform you of the
As such, we organised not require any significant change in
details of this exciting new change.
to have your past president, Patrick editorial policy. We have also begun
As cyborgs, we recognised the threat Bateman, assassinated as he was exploring ways to use the University do this by phasing out carbon-
the University of Sydney was facing being driven in a motorcade past the WiFi network to test the software we students over a 10 year period.
from a range of corners, including a grass on the front lawns. Initially we will use for Skynet. Those carbon students who require
rival faction of cyborgs, alien invasion, thought we could try to frame one of accommodation on or near campus
and increased capital works funding I am exploring a number of fantastic
the other directors for the incident, opportunities for students in the form simply take up too much space,
for vaguely fascistic architecture. demanding excessive luxuries such
but it was implausible that any of of increased campus employment.
As such, it was necessary to take
them would have been capable of Already I am in negotiations with a as a curtain around their oversized
control of a student organisation
planning it. large brothel to open a branch in sleeping bag in the living room. By
in order to help give you quality
the old women’s room. Students contrast, cyborg students can easily
representation and prepare the way We have reached a compromise with
would be able to fit this employment be stored in lecture theatres when
for a younger generation of cyborgs the board in which I, CEO3000, have
to enter university and replace around their timetable with reduced they are not in use. This policy has
taken Mr Bateman’s place and the
inefficient carbon-based students. need for commuting. We also plan an exciting degree of synergy with
rest allowed to keep their positions
Especially worrying was the lack on approaching Sydney Talent to the University’s strategy of reducing
In exchange, I am vetting all their
of time carbon-students devote to organise an internship program its teaching burden and focusing
public communications, including
study and their excess consumption at the branch, which will no doubt on core activities such as hosting
any communication on any subject
of beer, which distorted the local provide valuable career pathways to weddings and cocktail receptions.
with any student who is not a director.
market and threatened to create a undergraduate finance and business
This will ensure the USU brand is I hope you are as excited by these
revolt by local residents. management students.
not eroded by the appearance of changes as I am.
At first, our strategy was to take controversy or dissent on the board, Another priority of the USU, will be
over the SRC through the electoral thus enhancing student participation lobbying the University for better CEO3000
process. After this failed, we came in the university experience. student housing. We propose to USU President
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CHILD OF AFRICAN
Beyond the Whinge DICTATOR GENUINELY
WANTS TO GIVE AWAY
GALLOP
It’s not fun being a right-winger at the moment, but Michael
LARGE AMOUNTS OF
GOLD, GETS ANNOYED
RETIRES
Burrell’s not feeling sorry for himself, like some kind of lezzy
tree-hugger. He puts a conservative slant on recent news
BY NIGERIAN SCAMMER DUE TO STRESS
Andrew Marriott
BARACK OBAMA Okembi Okfana, son of deposed
The first post-race, and dictator, Tarembi Okfama, announced
post-achievement President. his displeasure yesterday at Nigerian
scammers hindering his efforts to
I was in complete dismay when give away his father’s unclaimed
I saw the news about Barack gold.
Obama being awarded the Nobel
Peace Prize. As opposed to my out of touch: and the viewers are Mr Okfana told reporters, “Before my
conservative ranting on the issue, ultimately changing the channel father was executed at the hands of
I thought I’d share what Iain Martin because of it. I hope some these his people in our national stadium, Masculinity or mating ritual?
in The Wall Street Journal had to characters are killed-off before the he said: ‘Okembi, take all our nations
say on the matter: show is cancelled for good. gold that I’ve stolen in my lifetime, Nick Kraegen
find a random Internet user, and
“Think about it, it’s so postmodern: ZIMBABWE make their dreams come true. Only Embattled CEO of the National
a leader can now win the peace A more serious note. then I will be proud of you.’” Rugby League, David Gallop, today
prize for saying that he hopes to left the job, citing extreme stress
Last week on the ABC news, He continued: “I started emailing
bring about peace at some point which has taken a toll on his health.
a special segment was shown people, but those damn Nigerians!
in the future. He doesn’t actually
covering the crisis in Zimbabwe. They stole my story. I mean, all it Gallop released a statement
have to do it, he just has to have
Mugabe’s dispossession of the takes is one person to email me explaining his reasons, summarised
aspirations. Brilliant.”
white farmers, his ‘land reform’ back and bam - the gold is theirs. below:
has undeniably left Zimbabweans Of course I need your bank account
THE FEDERAL LIBERAL on the brink of starvation. The “At first I didn’t mind going on the
PARTY: The poorest rating details, how else am I going to get
Socialist Alternative should take Footy Show and apologising when
show on TV. this gold to you? It’s the most logical
note of this form of Socialism blokes were out playing silly buggers.
way. You try and do something
Tony Abbott recently described that they so vehemently promote: Let’s face it, these guys aren’t paid
nice in this world, and all you get is
the Federal Liberal Party as a taking away the productive to think, they’re paid to run into each
skepticism.”
‘soap opera’. He’s right you resources away from the other, so if they’re a bit rough around
know. The departure of the productive, and giving them to the “What am I supposed to do with the the edges that’s to be expected.”
star of the show Peter Costello dregs of society. Mugabe’s thugs gold now? Alleviate my country‘s
“But then things got weird. Suddenly
has left viewers dismayed. The that now squat on these farms crippling foreign debt? No! It should
they’re all forgetting the meaning of
position of Opposition Leader is have not only destroyed private help some Westerner buy cool stuff,
words like ‘monogamy’, ‘no’, and
like a knocked-up teenager for property, but have also salted like 52-inch plasma TVs, Snuggies
‘don’t hit your girlfriend with a glass’.
whom no-one is willing to claim the once fertile land of the former and Shamwows.”
And it never stops. I can’t keep track
responsibility. The so-called ‘food bowl of Africa’. I wonder There have been subsequent reports of which Johns brother is in favour in
‘Torchbearers of Conservatism’ on how great post-colonial Africa that efforts by Okfana’s Russian maid any given week. One’s a coke fiend
the backbench are carrying on like and self-determination are when to try and find a Western groom and then the other’s a gang-bangist;
the old matriarch: self-righteous you are starving. online (to pay for her airfare) have and somehow when something new
been met with little success. comes along we forget about what
the other one’s done…I don’t know.
It’s like they’re playing dickhead
Rain in Spain Doesn’t Fall Mainly on the Plain leap-frog.”
“Then comes the day when you,
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the mountainous and coastal regions, idiot. as the head of a major national
brand, have to stand up in front of
the country and apologise for the
member of your organisation who
has done a poo in a hotel corridor.
On that day you have to ask some
pretty tough questions about the
value of your work. And I just
Michael Falk leaving to simultaneously bullfight, actually one less bird than two in the
couldn’t come up with the answers
play soccer and be a fundamentalist bush — as the old saying goes, two
Meteorologists today revealed that any more."
Catholic. birds are better than one.
the rain in Spain doesn’t actually
Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, thanked
fall mainly on the plain. In fact, they Juan, of course, is a stereotype, More disturbingly, a number of blind Gallop for his years of service.
say, the rain there follows the usual so his meteorological credentials and numb people have failed to find
course of events and falls mainly on are suspect. To cross-check them, their own two feet, making it near “The people of Australia owe David
the places with clouds over them. we consulted Italian public servant, impossible to step into the other a great debt,” said Mr Rudd. “I will
Giovanni d’Inefficient. On our person’s shoes. The governments nominate him for a knighthood for
Polite Spanish meteorologist, Juan
seventeenth attempted contact, he of Canada and the Seychelles are services to the prevention of sexual
Flamenco-Hola-Rodiriguez, greeted
replied simply by post that “Haste assault, arbitrary violence, public
your correspondent “¿How now working to solve this worldwide
Makes Waste,” and that if we defecation. He’s failed, obviously,
brown person?”, correctly noting epidemic.
distracted him from his corruption or but considering the people he was
that I had a tan. He continued, “The
procrastination again, he’d “Hasten And it doesn’t end there. Only last working with, the struggle was pretty
weather patterns of Spain are not noble.’
determined by English elocution our way to the Waste... of Hell,” with week, in Sydney, a doctor driven
exercises. Were they, my poor the help of the Camorra. mad by apples murdered a poor Gallop is to pursue an academic
English literacy would likely put me fruit-consumer because they had an career studying the socialisation and
This depressing trend of old apple a day. At least now the doctor
out of the job!” mating habits of apes. He claims
platitudes interfering with the truth is away, in prison. to already have some exciting new
When it was put to him that he has caused deep rifts at the heart
theories to contribute.
seemed perfectly capable of speaking of society. Anecdotal evidence And that, as they say, is that
English, he replied: “¿que?”, before suggests that a bird in the hand is bullshit.
PAGE 08 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
HE WATCHES THE MEDIA, BUT WHO’S WATCHING JONATHAN?
Caligula respected news programs, and Mr Holmes is said to be absolutely and listening to 2GB radio on one
instead was put in his place by the livid about latest ratings figures of those old tranny’s”. (A tranny is a
Jonathan Holmes, egomaniac and O’Brien ‘fists of fury’. placing Media Watch as the least- transistor radio, easy children.)
all-round party pooper of Media watched program in the universe.
Watch fame has been seen punching Sources close to Mr O’Brien (like, Nielsen reported that only “30 people While Mr O’Brien reportedly will not
out everybody’s favourite ABC host really close) commented that this and one alien” view Media Watch. leave his dressing room to comment,
Kerry O’Brien. Onlookers were outburst is just the latest in a series Mr Holmes had this to say:
shocked when Holmes (75/how old of confrontations. “Jonathan is just Several MeCo girls were overheard
is he really?, looks like dinosaur- really jealous of Kez because Kez gossiping about the ‘intellectual “I regret nothing! The standards
age) ran onto the 7.30 Report set has heaps better ratings and, like, dreamboat’ that is O’Brienator. One are slipping at ABC and I had to
and screamed to the vigorous and gets all the chicks that rock up at particularly excited second-year do something about it! That stupid,
youthful Mr O’Brien that his “stupid the ABC,” they said. exclaimed, “He totally asked me overly-quaffed-hair, ratings whore
little journalistic endeavour is fucking back to his dressing room, I’m sooo Kerry is a thumping bore who
shit!” The conflict stems from ABC’s getting that cadetship next year.” wouldn’t know a story if it hit him in
latest budget cuts, meaning that Mr the face.”
The altercation ended when Holmes Holmes’s Media Watch assistants A friend of a friend’s ex-boyfriend’s
attempted to hit Mr O’Brien in the are being redirected towards the housemate who once saw Mr Holmes Well, this reporter doesn’t see
face. Fortunately he was no match higher-rating and more accessible crossing the street describes him as anything hitting the hottie host
for the superior skills of battle that 7.30 Report, and Mr O’Brien by “a really old guy, with a heaps weird anytime soon, especially not
come from primetime hosting of extension. face. He was really concentrating washed-up critic Jonathan Holmes.
Honi Campaign BLIMPS GUNNED DOWN By National
LIGHT BEER, Security, SRC to Review Election Regulations
A SECRET KILLER? Alistair Stephenson considered,” claimed Christine Kibble,
the university’s SRC Electoral Officer.
Callie Henderson Two mid-sized blimps, purchased “You just wouldn’t bother running
You go down to the pub, and when for campaign purposes in this year’s unless you were able to get at least a
you get to the bar, thinking of that Honi Soit elections, were shot down helicopter in the sky – it’d just be lazy
babe in your government tute and by national security on the outskirts of otherwise.”
the 12 kilos you’ve got to lose Camperdown early this morning.
Ever wondered what makes light “I don’t see why the government
before they will ever like you (though beer taste so shit? Here it is. The aircraft were described by feels the need to intervene”,
honestly, even then its in the realm of military personnel as “an unnecessary Kibble continued. “This is standard
unlikely-ville). You order a light beer. The Bull can exclusively reveal that practice… and with 305 Honi-
disturbance to the wider community”,
All the taste, half the calories. along with water, yeast and hops, all despite the increasingly common affiliated SRC tickets running this year
light beers are infused with just a few use of non-rigid airships in student to help fund the campaigns… it’s not
But behind that innocuous branding as if the editors have any problem
drops of distilled Orangutan. The campaigns.
lies a secret killer. No, I’m not talking with budget. The system just works.”
about liver cirrhosis, but something secret ingredient apparently works Despite the general student
much more horrific. The secret as a compensator for the decreased acceptance of such aircraft being Neither Honi ticket was available for
alcohol level. utilised in campaign advertising, questioning, but members of the ‘St.
ingredient that defies the bounds of
John’s Pharmacy Girls for Siblings’
morality. the local community’s complaints
In fact, the marked decline in wild SRC ticket were seen salvaging the
have forced the SRC to review their
Light beer contains essence of wreckage hours later.
Orangutan populations directly election regulations. This will prove
Orangutan. corresponds to the invention of the to be controversial, as the integrity
popular but immoral light beer. of SRC policy has rarely, if ever, been
‘But aren’t Orangutans an endangered
called into question.
species’ I hear you exclaim, spilling
your filthy light beer all over your Demand for light beer is putting
“Chalking, websites, clothing, aircraft,
free trade organic cotton t-shirt. these red-haired animals in serious lecture bashing and videos are all
And you are correct sir. Nonetheless danger of deadness. Hope you feel necessary elements of a campaign
its insidious practice continues. pretty bad now. if a ticket wants to be seriously
From
school
to uni. You did it.
09/2112:1b CRICOS Provider No. 00026A
Now help some school kids get there too.
The University of Sydney’s Volunteers are required for a wide
Compass program encourages variety of projects throughout the year.
primary and secondary school
For more information and details on how
children to stay in school and
to get involved visit our website:
think about higher education.
www.usyd.edu.au/compass/volunteer
THE YEAR IN REVIEW
UNDRESSING 2009, SLOWLY & SEDUCTIVELY
The year that was sure ran a riot. Climate change went Danish. Tidal waves swept
Samoa. Obama was inaugurated. Victoria was on fire. Air France disappeared off
the radar. Swine flu ran rampant. Roman Polanksi was arrested in Switzerland. Pete
Doherty was also arrested in Switzerland. Lady Gaga took off her pants, without
actually having any on in the first place. And we were there to be cynical about it all.
The Bull gets annual nostalgia and wonders what the hell happened this year?
oppressing white people”. When
OBAMA’S
Nobel Peace Prize
asked for details, he went on, saying
,“He’s bringing in Nazi death panels to
force old white people to die to make
THUGBY LEAGUE
room for black Muslims and illegal
Robert Chiarella can get Mexicans and cancerous Jews. We
need to keep America pure, and that
politically controversial, means not being peaceful to those
Yes He Can. who harm us.” Mr Khapman then
ended the interview when a pigeon
A great stir was caused when Barack
Obama was awarded the 2009 Nobel shat on his robe. “Damn, there isn’t a
Peace Prize only nine months into his single white dry-cleaner around here.”
term. Critics on the left complained Upon presenting the award,
that he had not accomplished much Norwegian rapper and mature-
in the way of peace and was in fact
age technical education drop-out
escalating conflict in Afghanistan.
Lars Larson paused to say, “I just
People wondered why other
candidates had been passed over. thought Bono had the best peace
plan of all time.” When asked off the
On the right, US radio host Ross record what his daughters thought of
Lombard complained that the Larson, Obama said words we will
award “just showed that the not repeat here.
Europeans, especially those socialist
Scandinavians, just love that pinko An anonymous member of the prize
lefty. Did you know he has Dijon committee defended the decision.
mustard on his hamburger? This “The prize is not for what he has done
so-called peace prize is simply un- during the Presidency,” she said. “It Pat Effeney talks on-field tactics and off-field lack of tact
American, just like Obama himself. is for the election. By winning, he
How can someone bring about stopped Dr. Strangelove getting hold
world peace when he isn’t even May I begin by saying that it is lass before the season had even
of the US military. I don’t understand
American?” fantastic to see the pure variety begun, and the NRL had to punish
why people don’t see how this has
thrown up by Rugby League this ’09 him, because his club wouldn’t. After
At a protest rally in Washington, KKK helped world peace. Also, what the
season? finding who the buck stops all, why would you suspend your
member Kris Khapman komplained fuck has the Dalai Lama actually
with is harder to find than a referee best player, even if he did (allegedly)
that “Obama is not peaceful, he’s achieved?” do it with a 16-year-old? Then, more
that doesn’t use hair gel. Not only
did we have the usual mix of players in the Greg Bird mould (man glasses
assaulting their girlfriends and girlfriend), was the Greg Inglis story,
generally abusing women, we had which is still under the deliberation of
couple of new, non women-related our nation’s finest legal experts.
crimes, and new types of criminals
The real interesting stuff, though,
too.
came from the coaches. Jason
So the usual story with Rugby League Taylor managed to incite a king-hit
thuggery is as follows: Player gets from a 110kg beast. Rumours are
pissed. Player finds young girl and that this story is actually just a cover
would love to have a cup of tea with up of the real story, in which JT was
her the next morning. Who knows rendered unconscious by a barrage
what the girl is thinking. A couple of phones thrown by the Rabbitohs
of weeks later, she decides it would co-owner. Another coach, Brad
be a good idea to sue player. Media Fittler, managed to wake the local
have a field day. Player disgraced, at denizens of a country pub with a
least for a couple of weeks. drunken rampage to rival that of any
of his players.
There were a couple of stories that
followed this precise formula. Brett Otherwise, Nate Myles shat in a hotel
Stewart had a little foray with a likely hallway. That is all.
PAGE 10 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
story that, three months before the
A PLETHORA OF
DUST-
upon Sydney on the morning of
23 September, 2009. world will end, the prophets of the
LIONHEARTS Roads were paved in the red tar
world will witness the forecoming of
the great ending of the world. It is the
Bridie Connellan is going
to be the youngest person RIDERS of the Gibson Desert. Cars all
readily took the option of metallic
rust colour detail. Shoes all became
opposite, say the Gadigal People, of
the dust storm which accordingly
happened after the world was
to sail around the world, or IN THE STORM fashionably red. Yet what made
this event most spectacular was
created by the Rainbow Serpent,
wherein the Serpent coughed
will at least join the queue to Arghya Gupta was the total lack of media coverage and covered Australia in dust as a
claim it. bombasted by red dust,
surrounding the event. Not a single punishment to the grass and trees
newspaper mentioned it. Apparently who had earlier failed to obey the
and the apocalypse. weather is not quality news. wishes of the Serpent and decided
to use chlorophyll as their main form
of sustenance instead of the rocks
given to them by the Serpent.
A more contemporary and
probably accurate analysis of the
situation, however, comes from
Dr Karl Kruszelnicki, speaking
behind his desk in Sydney Uni’s
Physics Building. Dr Kruszelnicki
It seems this year a generation of believes that the dust storm was
kids all read Jesse Martin’s Lionheart only viewable by those who have a
as gospel. Taking the young sailor’s more sensitive visual spectrometry
epic story as a biblical text, the than the normal population. Just
overachieving youth of this year took as some people hear higher noises
daring to new heights as the record better than others, and cats can
for the youngest unassisted sail see ultraviolet light, some, not all,
around the world seemed somewhat people could see dust storms. More
‘up for grabs’. Teenage Aussie importantly, without certain filters,
sailor Jessica Watson launched most stock video cameras used by
her attempt to sail solo around the media organisations would pick up
world recently after a practice run nothing but an ordinary skyline.
Last month, blanket of dust covered Television audiences were similarly
that nearly spelt tragic disaster.
The 16-year-old schoolgirl narrowly Sydney in a way not predicted kept out of the loop. Only one So perhaps it is a sign that the world
escaped injury after her yacht by the El Niño or the La Niña question remained. Why? is now two months away from its
collided with a foreign cargo ship off climactic cycles. Not predicted end. Or perhaps it is a sign that
by any expert of climate change. There are a couple of theories blowing
Queensland in September. Fibreglass 2007 first-release HD cameras just
versus 63,000 tonnes of Hong Kong Not even predicted by car wash around. The first comes from the do not cut it anymore. But one thing
merchant ship? Bring it, she says. managers who like to foresee how times when the dust provided a bed is for sure – it was real. Why else
their sales for the coming week for the ancestors of this land. The would Christopher Hitchens write an
But Watson wasn’t alone in her will be. No, rather, it just descended Gadigal People have a traditional article about it?
ambitions, with British 17-year-
old Michael Perham becoming the
youngest person to sail around
the world solo in August, although
with autopilot problems the non-
assisted title was thrown to the
FAME, FORTUNE AND FATALITIES
fishes. Amazingly, 17-year-old Zac Nick Kraegen just wants to interrupt you there…
Sunderland from the US had set this
outrageous record just six weeks The death of Michael Jackson Kanye West feels about the Video clearly not. Sure the dancing’s good
earlier. Tough break Sundo. and she’s not wearing much, but the
in June was a surprise to almost Music Awards ‘Video of the Year’
However 13-year-old Laura Dekker everyone. After the news broke, award. whole thing’s basically a lava lamp
unquestionably takes this year’s the world went into a state of when it comes down to it.
mourning. Like most things about the So when Taylor Swift got the gong
cake for over-ambition as a young
singer, it didn’t seem to have rational for 2009, he just couldn’t let that Also, Patrick Swayze died. Is
sailor. The Dutch youth saw a
Netherlands court seeking to place explanation. After approximately injustice stand. He grabbed the anybody’s life radically changed by
her in temporary care of childcare 38 seconds, however, we all went microphone to let all the people of the that? He did his best work years ago
officials as authorities put a two- back to forwarding emails calling world know that Beyoncé’s ‘Single and you kind of always got the feeling
month full stop in her voyage plans him a paedophile. She is a fickle Ladies’ was “one of the best videos he was being propped up by the
to (yet again) be the youngest mistress, fame. of all time”. Apart from anything it’s people around him. We don’t know…
unassisted solo circumnavigator.
Whether she will be allowed to set There were obviously some genuine
sail or not remains to be seen, but mourners, but their cause wasn’t
like a less-than-pleasant Christmas helped by Wacko Jacko’s continued
present, it seems to be the thought assault on sanity and good taste,
that counts. even in death. His funeral had it
all: A-list mourners with eyes full
Parental groups and naggers alike of crocodile tears, all the glitz of a
continuously voiced strong opinion Hollywood premiere (except, this
against encouraging attempts such was the opposite), and…a gold
as Watson’s and Dekker’s, with coffin? Really?
experienced sailor Andrew Cape
dramatically comparing the Aussie’s For a lot of people, the winner
voyage to an inexperienced farm kid of the Nobel Peace Prize is an
with an old rifle trying to "take on important and contentious issue.
the Taliban". So either the parents The laureate must be deserving;
of 2009 are getting more paranoid, the award itself is so significant
or the existential crisis of Gen Y may as to resonate through all facets of
just get them all killed. Where’s your its recipient, a ringing endorsement
journey advice now Jesse Martin? of all that they are. This is how
THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 PAGE 11
REVIEWS
The Bull
read…
THE BULL
D orothy Parker once concluded
a novel review with the
immortal observation: “This is not
a book to be put down lightly. It
should be thrown with great force.”
As a sentence in the pantheon of
twentieth-century shit-throwing, it
remains without peer: perfectly
weighted, instantly memorable and
designed to kill. Switch 'book'
for 'magazine', and Parker has
succinctly reviewed the USU's
magazine, The Bull, in 2009. Only
one issue, Dorothy - you missed the
fact that the very act of throwing it
away was also deeply unsatisfying.
As an ex-editor of the publication,
I feel privileged for the invitation
to pass judgment over the glossy
shambles that tried, earnestly tried,
to join the big boys, but got a face
full of sand and a cheque for $3,000
at the end of the year.
The well-worn litmus test for the
quality of a student publication is
the absorbency of its paper stock.
My current editing project, Honi
Soit , is in a pinch comparable to
the paddle-pop-like toilet paper
provided in McDonald’s restrooms.
The Bull is something else entirely.
Though I may have aroused a
nagging curiosity amongst you to
find out for yourselves, I'll leave you
with one word of warning: don't.
That aside, the more traditional
method of ascertaining the quality
of a publication is a cogent critique
of what it actually contains. The
regulars, found at the arse-end of the
magazine, were a minefield of tired
simulacrum adorned weekly with
the largest overall tally of condom
photography in a publication -
thanks stock.xchng - since Marie
Stopes discovered Microsoft
Publisher. 'Aristotle Claymore' read
suspiciously like 'The Adventures of have all the hallmarks of carefully- to a series of political pieces by renaming it 'The Cow', as would
camouflaged and frustrated virginity. someone who is surely Barnaby have been logical, would have
Squirter McGee, Country Football
Did I mention that there were lots of Joyce's presumptive heir, they slightly undermined their purpose.
Legend', from the 2007 volume
condom pictures? Yes, there were stood to capture the marvelous
of Monash's paper, Lot's Wife. To paraphrase Parker, this publication
lots. diversity of opinion and background
That geezer Philippe, supposedly ran the gamut of interest from 'a' to
typifying Surry Hills champagne Better were the contributions offered at the University of Sydney. The 'b'. Time to [moo]ve on.
hipsterdom, is just as easily found by the student body. Running in autonomous Women's Edition also
these days in Lane Cove Plaza. scope from a delightful skewering of raised a smile with their retention 0 Bulls out of 5
The replies offered by Dr Nasty the Toyota Prius' green credentials of the 'Bull' moniker. Admittedly, Will Atkinson
PAGE 12 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
THE WORST OF THE INTERNET
http://lbn.threat.tv/mrhands.mpg http://free2g1c.com/ thing inside him, it shatters. The
LE,
BUT REALLY, PEOP ‘Mr Hands’ ‘Two Girls, remaining two minutes of the video
IF YOU’RE FAINT OF shows him, without a single word
‘Zeta Mo’ Betta One Cup’ or sound, removing shards of glass
E
HEART SKIP TO TH Productions Everybody’s heard from his badly bleeding anus. During
NEXT PAGE. presents:
Deep Thrusts’,
about ‘Two Girls, One
Cup’. If you haven’t seen
that time you will inevitably notice
that he has significant scarring on
announces the it, it begins with one of the his thighs and genitals, and so it
About 20 years ago, human shoddy titles at the beginning of two girls defecating into a glass. would seem that he does this type
beings created the Internet. It’s an this video. ‘Starring Mr Hands and Then her and another girl take the of thing habitually.
amazingly powerful resource – it Super Sal the Wonder Horse,’ the faeces into their mouths, swallow it,
next frame announces. And then it kiss each other with it covering their They say it takes all sorts to make
renders previously-insurmountable a world. ‘They’ clearly grew up in a
barriers like geography and time all unfolds. A man, naked from the lips, and so forth. Then they vomit
waist down, bent over in front of a into each other’s mouths, all while generation without the Internet.
almost insignificant. Within a
generation, knowledge could be horse, in a dark stable. The camera Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give
utterly democratised, with the entire shifts slightly and we learn that You Up’ plays in the background. www.thistleharlequin.com
the horse has a gigantic erection. The one minute version most people
population of the world having
The horse then proceeds to have have seen was originally intended
Putrid Sex Object
access to the same information.
Currently, however, it’s 12 per cent sex with the man. Mercifully, this as the trailer for scat-porn feature, A transvestite in a
porn, and that percentage is rising. only takes about 15 seconds, after Hungry Bitches. Indeed. wedding dress creeps
which both parties appear to have through a dark,
The following ‘worst of’ looks at gotten what they wanted out of the http://1guy-1cup.
deserted house, before
videos, because these show not just exchange. com
happening upon a
things that people have imagined, One Guy, bloody horse’s head
but things that they have done and The man, it has since emerged, was
named Kenneth Pinyan, and was a One Cup’ with no skin on it. He
decided to share with the world. begins to kiss it sensually, before
The Internet has held an unflinching Boeing employee from the Seattle If you are disgusted having sex with it, inserting the
mirror up to humanity. Human area in the US. He actually died after by the concept of ‘Two girls, one viscera in his anus, and eventually
beings made it, and everything on one of many sexual encounters with cup’, you probably shouldn’t even ejaculating onto it. The man, Thistle
it, and so what’s there reflects on horses perforated his colon and read this. This video would be Harlequin, is a tattoo/piercing artist,
every member of the species to caused him to contract peritonitis. more accurately described as ‘One apparently. There’s not much more
some degree. These videos may be A film about him, called Zoo, was guy, one jar’, because it involves a to say.
disgusting, but they are also very, one of the 16 winners of the 2007 man forcing his rectum over a jam
very popular. We’re in trouble. Sundance Festival. Only in America. jar, and just as he gets the whole
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in different sizes: some make great subversive activities in relation to
togas, others have become kilts, and membership in ‘GetUp’, a known
YOUR
many I’ve cut into wife-beaters. I like seditious organisation dedicated
to think that the Southern Cross in to bringing down the government.
the flag holds an important message They may claim they merely wish
for us all: the stars are shiny and to ‘influence policy’ through the
white, so we should be too. ‘democratic process’, but even this
as a naked admission of disloyalty.
Also, what kind of last name is We understand she is ‘campaigning’
SAY
“Tjoeng” anyway? All I’m saying is in marginal seats, placing the hard-
that The Bull should seriously think working, patriotic sitting members in
about who they hire as editors. Can grave jeopardy.
she even speak English?
Do not under any circumstances
From, reveal that you are assisting us
Not-a-racist with our enquiries or you will
be disappeared faster than an
UR DOIN IT RONG Argentinean smack addict.
Dear Bull, Love,
STUDENT HOUSING HONI ELECTIONS 2 ASIO
Why are their always typo’s in your
Sir or Madam, Dear Bull, magazine? You need to recuit some
new editors. WE PROMISE TO COVER
Here in Sydney, a very famous It was disappointing to read that the THIS STORY
Australian Poet, mooted as a future Ace team were refusing to release Angry,
Nobelist, lived in Fisher for a time in the text of their response to your Dear Bull,
the 1960s. publication – and ironic, given that Peter Edward Antik
I write to you because your
they wish to be journalists who try to
This was before he was able to gain THIS MAGAZINE WHICH crusading, quality journalism is the
get behind this kind of secrecy.
lodging in a local old-style pub. A I REGULARLY AND AVIDLY only thing that will get THE TRUTH
popular choice for male students in Regards, READ IS FILTH! out to your large base of readers, at
the 60s and 70s. least more than the 12 of my e-list.
The Vox Team Dear Editors, You see, there is a CONSPIRACY
Regards, to control AUSTRALIA and maybe
GET OFF MY LAWN I was sickened and disgusted by NEW ZEALAND (my sources are not
A. Herber your oeuvre over the course of this clear on the last one) by a secretive
Dear Bull, year. Every edition contained some cabal of GOLD merchants. They
YOU’VE EXPOSED US… kind of debauched filth passing itself
Kids these days. I mean with all the have secretly taken the supplies of
as humour. Toothbrushes as dildos, Fort Knox under cover of the CIA
Dearest Editors, rock’n’roll and ‘hoola hoops’ and
endless sex with animals, selling bodily and are using it to secretly flood
worse, ‘pashing’, what’s come of
May I say, first of all, that those of you fluids for money. That’s not clever, the market and discourage people
society? Your paper should run a
who have edited this fine publication OK? It’s not sharply observed satire, moving from unsound currency to
campaign to improve their morals.
for the entire year have done an it’s just saying what other people are gold by manipulating this price!!!!!!!
absolutely outstanding job. On this Regards, too dignified to say. You should all
note may I comment on my absolute have a good, hard look at yourselves. BARACK OBAMA IS IN ON THIS!
disgust in you letting some rookie A. Carr Mudgeon, esq. So are the Nobel Committee and
Huffily, the British Royal Family who have
scum replace a vibrant, intelligent
and talented editor such as Sara DON’T CALL US RACIST! Cecily Bonobo already shown their abilities to hide
Haghdoosti. Not only did you replace their flooding of the drug markets
Oi!
the editor, but you also replaced my Dear Cecily, behind the veil of prohibition which
love of this publication with a sheer The article on neo-Nazis written by BIG TOBACCO wants. And THE
hatred. I only read the last editions Diana Tjoeng made me full of boiling You write like a chick with rockin’ MEDIA is in on it too, whenever I
of The Bull to laugh at the inane crap bloody rage. All you newspaper-y titties. We’d love to have a ‘good, write they come back with things
that said editor produces. Cricket? people ever do is take a good Aussie hard’ look at you. How about it? like ‘sources’ and ‘libel risk’ to
Music? Fucking fake skepticism hero and give them a hard time. Take Bull ;) silence me, they are just part of the
articles? And if you expect me to that Dr Jim Saleam, for example, conspiracy to control your MINDS
think some northern beaches pill- seems like a top bloke to me. He’s why can’t people see??!!??!!!
HAVE YOU SEEN SARA?
head is funny in his crudeness, you're just saying what everyone’s thinking:
Because the education system has
losing your touch. He's clearly just funny coloured people just don’t fit in Dear Editors,
been perverted by the TEACHER
copying his best mate's idea who here.
We are writing to ask if you know UNIONS who are secretly controlled
probably lifted him onto the editorial
I’m not a racist, but. I’m a patriot. anything about the whereabouts of by the ZIONISTS and by HUGO
panel anyway.
That’s why my wardrobe is only Sara Haghdoosti, former editor of CHAVEZ working in concert (under
I have no respect for this new editor made up of Aussie flags. I have flags this publication. She is wanted for the cover of tense diplomatic rows)
and look forward to the days when to turn young minds into SLAVES
he is rotting in a casket. of the new world order. WE MUST
STOP THIS!
Sincerely,
DEAR BULL PLEASE PUBLISH THIS
Patrice Evraney NOW and investigate if you need you
can contact me but I can’t tell you
HONI ELECTIONS where because they’ll track me, this
is worrying but if I can I will help you
Dear Bull,
with the full story and uncover the
It was disappointing to read that the truth and stop the conspiracy in its
Vox team were refusing to release tracks but WE NEED PEOPLE TO
the text of their complaint to your KNOW.
publication – and ironic, given that
URGENTLY,
they wish to be journalists who try to
get behind this kind of secrecy. The TRUTH SEEKER
Regards,
The Ace Team
PAGE 14 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
OPINION POLLS
35 100
30
80
25
20 60
% %
15 40
10
20
5
0 0
A B C A B C D
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR IN
TO THE TAMIL ASYLUM THE SULS ELECTIONS?
SEEKERS?
A. Forte.
A. KEEP THEM OUT B. Jump.
B. Let them in, but punish them C. I exercised my legal and
PETA COMPLAIN ABOUT THE humane way (i.e. placing it in a regal by making them perform on democratic right to vote below
BULL. BUT IT’S OK BECAUSE forefront position in her own portrait), the Hey Hey, It’s Saturday the line.
WE’RE BOVINE! perhaps it’s time you Bullies saw the reunion.
error of your exploitative ways and D. What the fuck is SULS?
Dear Bull, C. What’s an asylum seeker?
treated these furry fiends in a more
As an avid representative the Animal majestic manner. Ferrets are not for
Welfare Protection Society, Lower token mentions. They may be illegal 40 35
Darlington Sector, Fifth Quadrant, to keep as pets in Portugal, but they 35 30
Episode IV, I must honestly express certainly deserve all the respect and 30 25
my utmost disgust and resentment costume wardrobe they can find, 25
20
at your treatment of our furry footed under a recliner. % 20 %
15
creatures in your cache of editions Yours in domestication,
15
10
throughout 2009 that simply scream 10
pro-cruelty. Of particular note is your Bertha McFrumpton-Smythe 5 5
exploitation of the bovine species, 0 0
for pun and related-words worth, Acting Sitting Standing Heeling A B C D E A B C
but more importantly my outrage Dropping Honorary Treasurer WHO REALLY CONTROLS DO YOU SUPPORT THE
stems from your conduct toward the Animal Welfare Protection Society, THE ECONOMY? CHANGE IN FORMAT OF
humble rodentia Mustela putorius Lower Darlington Sector, Fifth THE BULL?
A. Kevin Rudd
furo otherwise known in layman’s Quadrant, Episode IV
B. Aliens A. Unsure
terms as the FERRET. Consistent
mentions in editor’s notes? A feature Winner: Best in Show, Yooralla C. Cyborgs B. Don’t Know
photo on your Twitter cover? Even Trampoline Ferreting Championships C. Don’t Care
D. George Soros
one of your fabled ‘Contrary Dairy’ 2001-09, featuring entrant
‘Christobelle’ Black Sable with Roan E. The Socialist Alternative
nonsenses advocated purchasing
our lollopy-bodied comrades as a colouring, 2 handicap.
means to combat the recession!
Have you no petantic shame, you REMORSE 60
anti rodent-welfare peasants? The 50 HOW WILL YOU SPEND
name ‘ferret’ is derived from the Latin YOU MONSTER.
40 MOST OF STU-VAC?
furittus, meaning ‘little thief’, however YOU ALMOST KILLED HER.
throughout 2009 it seems you and % 30 A. Studying
your humanistic publication are more WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! 20 B. Facebook
than happy to rob the livelihood of Regards, 10 C. Masturbating
the world’s only animal to resemble
0
a sock-puppet. If Queen Elizabeth The future Mr. Blasko and every
A B C
I can own a ferret in a relatively other male in Newtown.
LETTER OF THE YEAR
Dear Bull,
It was unfortunate to see The Bull sink to the kind of pro-shark partisanship
peddled by reporters Michael Falk and Nick Kraegen last week (Fins of
Fury, Edition 4). According to their 'expert', Ross Coleman, there's no way
for us to defend against shark attack, and that if we want to enjoy the
beach we just have to accept the risk of horrific mauling. It's a man vs
shark ocean out there and the last thing we need is a shark-sympathiser
of the kind Falk brought us telling us to leave our knives and spearguns
at home. An objective report would have let readers know that there are
in fact a number of ways to keep the shark at bay: by poking it in the eye
for example, or thrusting your hand into its gills. Upgrading your hand to a
harpoon with the aid of speargun makes you even safer, and also provides
for a charming Dickensian theme.
Tom Lee
Congratulations to Tom, winner of our annual letter of the year award. Tom
will receive a one-year subscription to Honi Soit as a prize.
THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 PAGE 15
WHAT’S Le Petit Tarte Rendezvous
4-6pm
Camden Farms AGM
1-2pm
ON
Le Petit Tarte, 219 Glebe Point Rd Outside Webster Theatre
Join FrenchSoc for another round of FOCUS AGM
coffee, cake and conversation
1-2pm
Women’s Board Mentoring New Law Building 011
MONDAY 26 to Launch
SUNDAY 1 November 5pm
Drop-In Meditation
1-2pm
Board Common Room, Holme Holme Common Room
For the full list of what’s on, visit www.usuonline.com
USU is launching its revamped Meditation in a quiet atmosphere.
Women’s Board Mentoring
Program. Get involved in this great Lunchtime Sessions at
student leadership initiative. Contact Manning
French Study Group 1-2pm
MONDAY 2-3pm
m.brooks@usu.usyd.edu.au
Margaret Telfer, Manning
26 OCTOBER Isabel Fidler, Manning Rock ya’ Balls Bingo
Lunch and music are on my mind…
Get ready for those exams. 5-6pm
Vegesoc Lunch Manning PowerHouse Service
12-2pm MUSE AGM 1-2pm
Manning Lawns You sunk my battleship… wait,
5-7pm wrong game. Refectory (Quad)
$5 All you can eat vegetarian lunch. Holme Common Room
Mid-week service right on campus.
Russoc Weekly Drinks
Orthodox Fellowship AGM SURG AGM 5-7pm Lingsoc Weekly Meeting
12-2pm 6-7.30pm Manning Bar 2pm - 4pm
Meeting Room 1, Holme
Holme Reading Room Transient Tearoom
ECOPSoc Weekly Drinks
Japanese Drama Screening TUESDAY 5-7pm
Hermann’s Bar
Free lunch, speed scrabble, tête-à-
tête, and more!
1-2pm 27 OCTOBER
Carslaw 356
TowelSoc IGM CubeSoc AGM
Japanese TV [with English subtitles]! Pizza & Parsha 5-6pm 2-3pm
1-2pm Isabel Fidler, Manning Manning House
HinduSoc. Discussions Loggia, Manning
1-2pm SUITS Trivia Night Anthsoc AGM
Pizza and Torah discussion with 4-5.30pm
Eastern Avenue Tutorial Room 311
AUJS.
5-10pm
Manning Bar Room 148, RC Mills
Meet some people and discuss
philosophy. Weekly Anime Film Kiss goodbye a year of studies in Postgrad Masquerade
Screenings the only way worthy... a Trivia night! Party
YouChoose 1-2pm and lots of drinking. 5pm
1-2pm Architecture Lecture Theatre 3 Hermann’s Bar
Manning Bar Finance & Banking Soc AGM
“Canaan” and a RANDOM episode Celebrate the end of semester with
6-7.30pm
Show us your Youtubes! SUPRA and USUat the Postgrad
Tuesday Tunes Merewether 3
Masquerade Party. Come sporting
Mnml Mndays 1-2pm yourfinest mask......or take a
1-2pm
Manning Balcony
Manning Balcony
WEDNESDAY lucky dip mask at the door! Two
free complimentary drinks for all
Beats on the balcony at lunchtime 28 OCTOBER postgrads!
Mnml music to chill out at lunch to.
Hong Kong Club AGM The Executive AGM Biography Society IGM
Vet Science Revue Society GM 1-3pm 12-2pm 5-7pm
1-2pm Holme Reading Room Isabel Fidler, Manning Loggia, Manning House
Webster Lecture Theatre
Sydney Uni’s End of Semester SUDS presents:
Madrigal Society 10th A Flea In Her Ear
Year Anniversary Concert 8pm, 21- 24 October
Tuesday 27 October, 7:30pm The Cellar, Holme Building
Refectory, Holme Building Raymonde thinks Victor is cheating
(Featuring Instrumentalists from the on her. Victor thinks he has a secret
Australian Baroque Brass, The Sydney admirer. Lucienne tries to catch Victor
Conservatorium Early Music Ensemble, cheating on Raymonde. Lucienne's
and The Madrigal Alumni Choir, Barefoot Musica Antigua, The Pocket Score husband thinks she's cheating on
Company, and The Madrigal Society - we will present a plethora of ancient music him with Victor, and is a gun-toting
in a massive birthday extravaganza, fit for a high camp renaissance king. Spaniard. Camille is boning the
cook, and using Victor's name at a
seedy hotel, but has a cleft palate so
SENATE ELECTIONS USU Past President up for Uni Senate seat no-one understands him.
Ruchir Punjabi, USU’s Immediate Past President, is out to “protect the
student experience” as he vies for a spot on the Uni Senate. See how he plans Confused? Sydney Uni Drama
to represent your interests at www.usuonline.com > About USU > News. Society presents one hilarious French
farce full of double entendre.
16
PAGE 016 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
Sunset Jazz “Eden of the East” + RANDOM. Manning The Decks Weekend Warm-Up
5-8pm 4-6pm 4-6pm
Hermann’s Bar Movers & Shakers AGM Manning Balcony Manning Balcony
1-2pm
Live jazz from the Jazz Society. Isabel Fidler Relax on the Balcony Weekend…sooo..clooose!
Manning Trivia SUWIE EGM Hermann’s Trivia Arts Advanced Student’s
5-6pm 1-2pm 5-6pm Club IGM
Manning Balcony PNR Drawing Office Hermann’s Bar 4-5pm
Holme Common Room
Impress with your mighty mind. If in doubt, write something silly.
MUGS AGM
SUMS Choir Rehearsal 1-2pm StuccoSoc Pot Luck Madrigal Soc AGM / Party
Purcell Room, Mechanical 5-6.30pm
6.30-9.30pm Dinner
Engineering Barnard Eldershaw, Manning
Bosch 1A, Theatre 4 6-9pm
Stucco, Newtown Liberal Club GM
For the upcoming 51st Carolfest. French Conversation
Groups Celebrate the creation of 5.30-6.30pm
MADSOC Minor Showcase 1-2pm Stuccosoc, the one and only co- Holme Meeting Room 1
7pm-12am Manning Backcourt operative society!
Manning Bar Sailing@Sydney AGM
Tu as besoin d’un peu de pratique Law Revue Society AGM 6-9pm
A showcase of works en francais? 6.30-8.30pm Mandlebaum House
choreographed and performed by
Holme Reading Room
members of MADSOC - putting IYF Academy
their new-found (or more developed)
The Amity Affliction
2pm - 4pm Hillsong Campus AGM 7-11pm
skills to performance, and Holme Reading Room
celebrating the end of semester! 7-8.30pm Manning Bar
Dance, Korean language and Bible SU Village
Access: $14.50 + bf, General
Project 52 study. $17+bf. Lic/AA
8:30-10:30 pm International House
Hermann’s Bar BricSoc AGM Residents Society IGM
2-3pm 9-10am
Ha ha ha, and so on and so forth. Manning International House SATURDAY
31 OCTOBER
Gaius Gracchus Election
THURSDAY 2-3pm FRIDAY
30 OCTOBER Cumberland 30th
29 OCTOBER Loggia, Manning House
Anniversary Celebrations
International Business Society AGM
International Law Students 11am-4pm
Weekly Dharma Talks 4-5pm Society IGM Faculty of Health Sciences 745 East
12-1pm Street, Lidcombe
Merewether SR6 10.30-11.30am
Holme Meeting Room 1 International House To celebrate our 30th anniversary,
Busshist learning.
Foundation Program please join us for an educational
Society IGM TED Talks Screening and fun-filled day that will give you
Vegesoc Lunch 4-5.30pm 1-3pm the chance to explore the Health
Law Building Front Lawn Margaret Telfer Sciences campus.
12-2pm
Engineering Lawns Club Kooky
Psyche AGM Teochew Society AGM
4-6pm 2-4pm 9pm-3am
FLAIRsoc AGM
Loggia, Manning House Isabel Fidler, Manning Hermann’s Bar
12pm
Hermann’s Bar $12 entry - at the door only. 18+
SUASA AGM DOTA Society AGM
Weekly Anime Film 5-6.30pm 3-4.30pm
Screenings Holme Reading Room Holme Meeting Room 1
1-2pm
Architecture Lecture Theatre 3
International Purple Sneakers
Student Lounge NYE House Party 18+
Official Opening Thursday 31 December, 8pm
1pm, Tuesday 27 October
1pm, Tuesday 27 October
Manning House
Head up to the new International
Student Lounge on level 4 of Last year’s SELL-OUT New Year’s
Wentworth for the Official Launch! Bash is BACK to rock all 3 levels of
Featuring cultural C&S stalls, a talk Manning into 2010!
from Deputy Vice-Chancellor Prof
The Grates | The Boxer Rebellion
Derrick Armstrong, and other great
Ponytail | Baddies | Red Riders
services on display!
THE BOXER REBELLION U
K
Philadelphia Grand Jury | Oz
PONYTAIL BADDIES U
S U and many more
RED RIDERS PHILADELPHIA GRAND JURY Dz
A K
HUGE SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT OF DJS & DANCE ACTS COMING SOON!! Tickets on sale now!
Go to www.manningbar.com >
Tickets
THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 PAGE 17
PAGE 017
A FAREWELL TO REGULARITY
DR. NASTY
Dear Dr. Nasty,
Dear Bull,
There is only one class of criminal that I will I’ll miss you next year when The Bull goes
This will be my final letter from Sprogging Downs,
leave unmolested, and that is the maker of monthly. Where will I get my smutty sex
as I have decided to pursue a full-time career in
beautiful moonshine. If I happen across a advice then?!
vigilantism. My father calls it the easy way out,
but clearly he’s never had to hit an ice-head gentle soul who spends his days naughtily Nasty Girl
in the testicles with a rubber bullet from 100 stilling liquor from his corn-squeezin’s,
yards. Ironically, he has been hit in the groin by well I shall bid him good day and keep on
police projectiles on no less than 17 occasions, walking. Maybe I’ll set down a spell, sample Dear Nasty Girl,
some of which were due to methamphetamine, some of his product, shoot the breeze. But after Ja, ja, it is true – Dr Nasty will no longer be
and the others his dalliances with the autistic, that, I’ll get up, set his dog on fire, and walk on disgr(ac)ing the pages of the new Bull in
nymphomaniac daughter of a clergyman. down the road. 2010. It has been a wild ride, my child. 2009
Also, a lot of people seem to think that being I don’t expect you to understand my choices, saw me getting fucked in so many ways –
a full-time enforcer of mob law won’t pay the Bull. But frankly I don’t have to explain myself to in secret by John Della Bosca, in a public
rent. I disagree. Being the arbiter of right and you city-softened, flambé-fancying pansies, so toilet by George Michael, in the arse by the
wrong affords a person the opportunity to steer you can all go shit an armadillo and die for what Honi elections. I hope that my sage advice
the law in new and advantageous directions. I I care. has helped many in their journey to sexual
anticipate, for instance, being able to eat out enlightenment. I wish I could tell you that next
I hope you languish for eternity in the cheesey, year there will be a similar column for you
at fancy restaurants and attend the theatre and
smegmatic hell you deserve. eager punters, but what with The Bull going
concert halls as much as I please. As payment
for these things, I will refrain from leaving pipe all monthly and serious like a menstruating
Hugs and kisses,
bombs in the cars of the proprietors. One hand fraulein, and Honi Soit being run by people
blows up the other. who apparently get off on Lego and hats,
I fear that there will be a gaping hole (heh)
on campus for a feculently feckless, slightly
demented and utterly perverse sex writer
Anyway, so me and Watto thought we’d just go
such as myself, to educate the masses about
A LETTER FROM DEE WHAT and buy one. We both have credit cards (the
what goes where and for how long.
suckers at the bank gave us both $20,000 limits)
so we hoped they’d split the bill for the deposit. So what does the future hold for little Ivanka?
We were looking round the beaches, coz I’m not Dahlink, Dr Nasty is moving to America,
moving more than a couple of blocks from home. where the flavours of condoms (and men
Watto feels the same, so thank God we live next to to fill them) are more varied and delicious
each other. There were a couple of apartments and than here in vanilla sex Australia. They say
shit in what my parents thought were in our ‘price everything’s bigger in Texas – my child, it
range’. Watto found the real deal though: a three- is so, so true. The foot long subways are
storey, six-bedroom mansion on the top of the hill. absolutely mouth-watering (the sandwiches
North-facing aspect, an elevator, swimming pool, aren’t bad either).
sauna, pool and ping-pong tables included; all the
bells and whistles. I will begin my sojourn in New York – a city
Hey Bull,
where it’s socially acceptable for an elderly,
I never once read a word of this entire year’s We went to the auction with no real idea of what neurotic Jewish filmmaker to marry his young
publication, because you guys mustn’t have sort of price we were looking at. When eight million Korean adopted daughter; whose island is
recorded my address properly when I sent in got touted as the starting bid, we almost fell over. shaped like a massive phallus and where
my subscription form. Accordingly, I want my 65 What a bargain! We ended up getting it for 11 mil, an entire suburb is referred to as the ‘Meat
bucks back, you scamming weasels. not bad considering how rockin’ this pad is. Packing District’.
Otherwise, I thought I’d tell you a little story about the As soon as my parents found out we’d signed that Now that sounds like my kind of place.
other day when I decided to buy a house. I’m 24 these shit over (I’d flogged their credit card just in cast
forty grand wouldn’t cut it) they kicked me out of Yours offensively, smuttily, outrageously and
days, though my curly blonde hair tends to lead to
the house for three days. Dad sold the construction eternally,
people underestimating my age. I live at home, which
is heaps mad, but it would probably lead to a little bit business for some reason, and mum now works at Dr. Nasty
of awkwardness when I finally land that elusive fishy. the café with me. We’re closer as a family than ever.
Obviously my sexual prowess (so far untested) would Give me my 65 back you cunts,
deprive my parents of hours of sleep, which, by the
look of ‘em, they desperately need. Darrell Darrellson
DR NASTY
and unworn black sweaters, and decided to try friends think I’ve sold out!). I’ve enrolled in an MBA,
A LETTER and find the ultimate lifestyle to subvert. bought a suit, and am looking for a house around
FROM SURRY HILLS My travels first took me to the hamlet of Sprogging
Castle Hill. Now I just need a wife and kids. And
a job.
Downs – what could be more worthy of subversion
Dear Bull, than boganism? But then I realised it was all too I offered the players in my experimental theatre
You won’t believe how creative I have been lately. obvious – the residents’ habits of incest, heavy company those roles, but none of them wanted
You see, I figured that my experimental theatre drug use, and creative violence were simply a to venture west of Leichhardt. What a lack of
company was not going far enough – we were mirror of my own urban decadence. Clearly they commitment to their art. But no matter – I’m going
doing a production of Oedipus Rex in drag, and are all people like me from some time ago, who to do something even more subversive and cruise
thought they could try performing a role by moving Westfields for a bride.
whilst it was all very subversive and all I wanted to
do something different. to the country but then ended up their old selves Ta-Ta (or ‘Oooo-Rooo’ as I believe they say in
again. these parts),
So I decided to work out what the ultimate act of
subversion would be. And it was clear – I needed So now, I have taken a route that could never Phillipe
to start performing the role of the bourgeoisie. So be mistaken for anything but utter middle class Maximillian-Smith
an-Smith
I sold my remaining cocaine, VHS tapes, hair dolls dreariness (yes, it is so subversive that even my
PAGE 18
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THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009
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