VIEWS: 117 PAGES: 20 POSTED ON: 6/4/2010
Scandal, indignity & a general lack of pants Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009. www.usuonline.com The year that was: STRIPPING DOWN 2009 CYBORG CONTROL to reunionite USU READERS LASH OUT WITH MAD COW DISEASE BEAM ME UP SPENCEY Extraterrestrials in the Quad! SURFING THE SINTERNET: THE WORST CLICKS IN TOWN CREDITS TODAY'S TOP EDITOR’S NOTE Editors Robert Chiarella STORIES We promised nudity. Or at least, partial nudity. Alas, despite our best interests in bringing you a busty Page 3 girl, our saucy senorita suffered from stage- Bridie Connellan Page 4 fright moments before being snapped in his mankini. Dare to visualize. In Patrick Effeney The UFO’s have landed! All hail ﬂuro. Nick Kraegen new alien overlords! Diana Tjoeng To stinge on the peepshow for our ﬁnal edition for the year is a pretty major firstname.lastname@example.org Page 6 faux pas and one we’re not prepared to own. But we do have UFOs. We’ve Scoops! Exclusives! Imperative got Babar. We’ve got Jonathon Holmes. We’ve got Obama. From the latest Contributors in breaking campus news, to a nostalgic wander down 2009 Boulevard, this Alistair Stephenson exclamations! week The Bull goes tabloid. But as we sift through the future rulings of the Andrew Marriott USU and click on some ghastly sites we really regret, it’s time to put ourselves Arghya Gupta Page 7 under the microscope and get reviewed, as this beefy publication gets a Aristotle Claymore Our new president’s inaugural delicious roasting. Meanwhile our faithful regulars are still up to no intrinsic Callie Henderson address. End communication. good, and it’s about time someone slapped at least one or all of them. Darrell Darrellson Lawrence Del Gigante Page 8 In the twilight of our Bullian publishing we may have questionable sources, we Michael Burrell News, taboos and scandaloos may have outlandish claims, and above all we may come across as blatantly Michael Falk to boot! untruthful. All we know is we believe in facts, and we know there’s a Code of Dr. Nasty Ethics buried somewhere under the mountain of Zoo magazines decorating Phillipe Maximillian-Smith Page 10 the desktops. Something about integrity… Design BREAKING NEWS: 2009 But like sands through the hourglass, so the days of our editorial meanderings Carl Ahearn almost over. Must reﬂect. Stat! force themselves through a glass tube and ﬁght for supremacy atop a pile Anjali Belani of grains. Or something along those lines. You asked, we delivered. You Page 12 whinged, we smirked. You reported, we applauded. You read, we chewed Communications Ofﬁcer REVIEWS: Who the hell reads our cud. With a new cache of possibly better qualiﬁed and deﬁnitely more Chris Beaumont this Bull thing anyway? well-kept Eds to take the reins for 2010, it’s time for us to bow out and have a www.usuonline.com glass of port. Or sherry. Mulled wine? Whatever it is you kids scull to celebrate Page 13 these days. The views in this publication The internet: It’s a scary place. are not necessarily the views Cheers to a ﬂipping gangbusters year. It’s also downright wrong. of USU. And moo to you too. The information contained Page 14 within this edition of The Bull Robert, Nick, Diana, Pat & Bridie YOUR SAY. And some of was correct at the time of (Editors/Bovine Conservationists 2009) ours too. printing. Page 16 What's On... ON A SERIOUS NOTE… Despite the tabloidic outrageousness and questionable accuracy of our last Page 18 edition for 2009, I would request that if anything, you loyal readers take this All the Regulars. humble box seriously for just one moment. It is with sadness and much disbelief that this semester ends with the untimely This publication is brought passing of one of our own, second-year Arts student Jordan McClellan. At the to you by the University This publication is unripened age of 19, Jordan passed away in the early hours of 16 October of Sydney Union and The printed on environmentally due to an accident of unfair and unforeseen circumstance, mere hours after University of Sydney. friendly paper. an incredible performance at the Theatresports Grand Final. Life is abominably unfair, taking those with so much potential before their time. An accomplished actor, a burgeoning comedian, a downright genuine human being, Jordan McClellan was a talent to boot. He amazed in SUDS, he amused in Arts Revue and he absolutely astounded in his weekly rabbles at Theatresports and Project 52. A soul who never looked happier constructing a skit about God’s fusion of birds and crocodiles or a man with guns for hands, Jordan had his own comedic style to simultaneously shock and delight. Improvising seamlessly with his fellow players, his love of the stage could only be surpassed by his love of those onstage beside him. As those who knew him best somehow attempt to piece together their own little memories of Jordan and those unique adventures had with this stand-up individual, it becomes clear that this funny little guy meant something special to everyone. He knew way too much, or just the right amount, about Star Wars. He improvised an entire skit about cyanide ﬂavoured ice-cream and basement conﬁnement. He freestyle-rapped about fornicating in Fisher Reserve. He was one hell of a gun on Nintendo 64. Jordan was the type of guy who would give his right arm for a friend, and his left foot as a down payment if the time and place called for it. Even his Facebook read ‘Political Views: whatever everyone else in the conversation agrees on’ and ‘Religious Views: something that makes me friends’. Jordan you amazingly excellent noob. We send our thoughts and wishes to Jordan’s family and girlfriend Courtney, and while words can never console such a loss, we wish only the warmest comforts in these days when ‘how are you?’ seems the silliest question imaginable. The halls of Manning, the stages of Hermann’s, and the very cobblestones of Sydney Uni will never be the same without the laugh of this larrikin, nor will his infectious enthusiasm for life ever fade from our hearts. Jordan my friend, you will be missed, ridiculously much. Rest peacefully now, we’re holding our beers ever so high. Bridie Connellan PAGE 03 ALIENS INVADE! STUDENTS GET DRUNK Diana Tjoeng investigates the arrival of extra-terrestrials on campus. Yesterday morning, a UFO land at Sydney University, the Vice- gave up and retracted their powerful suddenly appeared above the Chancellor replied, “Well, of course mind-entering televisual beams. Sydney University Quadrangle. Not they would select this ﬁne institution Onlookers were disappointed that that many people noticed. Due to begin their tirade of doom and they would not be able to use the to misinformation about global destruction. What? You think they’d alien technology to watch Gossip warming, many students sitting in ever settle for UTS? As you know, Girl all day. the Quad at the time thought that we’ve been very pleased to move Overnight, people pitched tents in the enormous shadow cast by the up this year in the TIME magazine the Quad and held a candle-lit vigil UFO was actually the sun gasping university rankings. Granted, we’re in honour of the extra-terrestrials. and exploding in a ﬁt of rage; this no Oxford University…but at least Inevitably, it turned into a massive had been expected for some while. we still have Harry Potter buildings.” rager with thousands of people However, students eventually noticed As a large crowd of staff and spewing on the sacred sandstone. the presence of the ﬂying saucer students gathered inside the Quad to Some drunk ﬁrst-year boys were when they heard the ominous beat of marvel at the UFO, they were treated seen attempting to throw empty ‘Ice, ice baby’ reverberating through to a special and rare attempt at beer bottles at the spacecraft. the air with magniﬁcent force. It communication from the intergalactic Unconﬁrmed accounts said the boys seems the aliens were pumping the beings. Demonstrating their superior were zapped with an orange light classic song out of their fully sick, technological advancement, the and never seen again. The aliens’ modiﬁed spacecraft speakers. aliens were able to project a visual anger was further aroused when a The student body reacted in very image right into the minds of every group of rockers were heard loudly different ways. Members of the onlooker. It was as if each individual criticising Vanilla Ice. The extra- Socialist Alternative were seen to had a tiny television switched on terrestrials responded by pointing throw their pamphlets into the air inside their heads. The ﬁrst image thousands of laser beams at different and shout: ‘The revolution has that ﬂashed inside the minds of the parts of the Quadrangle. A weapon ﬁnally come!’, while the Costume onlookers was tauntingly…an image assault is yet to occur but tension Society was pleased that their alien of themselves standing there looking remains in the air. outﬁts would ﬁnally come in handy. stupid. Then, some strange garbled The Vice-Chancellor has met today Suspiciously, several of the Union noises echoed all around. Many with key University ofﬁcials to discuss Board Directors were not contactable bystanders assumed this was the pending negotiations with the space right at the time of the invasion. aliens’ attempts to communicate invaders. An Australian Idol-style This follows unconﬁrmed reports with them in a strange-sounding contest may be held to determine throughout the year of an eerie green language. One can only imagine Sydney University’s ambassador to light glowing under the doorframe of what the aliens were trying to say. the aliens; the program’s prototype the Board Directors’ ofﬁce. Experts suggest it may have been: name is currently Alien Sacriﬁce. ‘You humans really are as ugly- However, Vice-Chancellor Michael looking as we expected.’ Spence was on hand to deal with the situation. When asked why he After about two minutes of the thought the aliens had chosen to garbled noises, the space invaders PAGE 04 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 “When asked why he thought the aliens had chosen to land at Sydney University, the Vice-Chancellor replied, ‘Well, of course they would select this ﬁne institution to begin their tirade of doom and destruction. What? You think they’d ever settle for UTS? As you know, we’ve been very pleased to move up this year in the TIME magazine university rankings. Granted, we’re no Oxford University…but at least we still have Harry Potter buildings.’” 1. Tell us about your previous 2. Why do you think the aliens have 4. Who do you think should be experiences with UFOs. chosen to land at Sydney Uni? chosen from the Sydney Uni My ﬁrst experience with a UFO was The thing about aliens is that they community to communicate with one time when my mate Derrin and know where and when they can cop the aliens? I were drinking some of our home a root. These are beings who've Well that depends, really. If they have brew. It wasn't really home brew, mastered intergalactic travel, and some kind of intellectual discourse, actually, it was more like metho you don't get to that sort of level to teach us, I think it would be good mixed with Napisan. The thing about of thinking when you're nursing the to send someone with impeccable that stuff is that it'll put you in the blue balls. Innovation is always built rote-learning ability and not too mindset to be open to things you on the basis of an iron-clad regimen many preconceived notions in never thought were possible before. of good, hard, regular shagging. The their head. Probably someone from I've always said, I'm not gay, but if reason that they came to Sydney third-year Media. They're empty you get some Napisan and metho Uni is that it's got the highest vessels ready for the ﬁlling. I mean down me I'm anybody's. Really. concentration of ﬁne ladyfolk this that in a dirty way, too. Otherwise, Anyway, things had got a bit extreme side of Alpha Centauri. And you as I have already hypothesised, if On average, there are between me and Dezz, so I decided don't have to be from a race of they are here for interstellar rumpy, about 40 UFO sightings in to go for a bit of a walk. I was down super-intelligent beings to know that I think we should send a horse. I've by the creek and suddenly there they're not exactly fussy, either. been watching some videos [see Australia each year. Out of were these lights in the sky, like you page 13] and frankly I'm inspired. those, again on average, hear about. And everything started 3. What do you think are the Those horses really have something intentions of the aliens? 38 are reported by just whirling around and I didn't know Well if there're any roughly humanoid, to teach us in terms of rooting one individual: USYD's what was what. Anyway, I passed prowess. Having an 18-inch penis, out and when I came to my arse roughly female-type creatures for instance, it emerges, is an own Aristotle Claymore. was as sore as buggery. I'm pretty involved, I think I've proved that I'm advantage for the owner and The Bull caught up with sure I'd been taken up in the ship an open-minded enough kind of guy nobody else. But anyway, we should and probed. That's what I'd like to to help them out with whatever needs send somebody with near-insatiable Aristotle to get his thoughts of a personal nature they might have. believe, anyway. My recollection urges, who is ambidextrous, and on recent events. Other than that, who knows? Blow of the evening is hazy at best, and double-jointed in as many places as the alternative explanation of my up the earth, enslave us all. Whatever possible. Trust me, if you're going to tenderness just doesn't sit right with it is, it's going to happen. One thing show an alien a good time, you're my self-concept. I've learned is that you don't say no going to feel it in the morning. to a man with a raygun, or a litre of solvent and detergent down him. PAGE 05 One week JACKSON 5 Babar's elephant kingdom you’re inny. WRONG ON LAY BLAME VIOLENTLY OVERTHROWN SOLELY TO THE BOOGIE: SUNSHINE, MOONLIGHT The next, AND GOOD TIMES EQUALLY AT FAULT YOU’RE Andrew Marriott An allegation emerged overnight that OUTY Lawrence Del Gigante the debilitating condition of being unable to control one’s feet was, in fact, attributable to multiple factors, not just the boogie. “I wish Michael researched his sources better before he made such wild accusations,” said one wheelchair-bound sufferer. “The Andrew Marriott ‘civilised’ and forces us all to wear sunshine, moonlight and good pants. Pants! We should be eating times were equally to blame. I Celestville, once known for being a peanuts or something. Babar was mean the good times and the surprisingly prosperous and politically boogie have certain overlapping born an elephant, and should never stable African kingdom (and having features, aren't you always having been involved in this 'I-wish-I-had- Outy. Ew. talking animals and shit) descended a good time when you boogie? He opposable-thumbs' bullshit. How did into anarchy overnight, as King Babar The fashion world was shaken today should be clearer in categorising the he put on his little red bowtie? I just met a violent end at the feet of his after it learnt that super model, Emily elements! The Jackson Five should didn’t trust him.” stampeding elephant subjects. Scott, had an outwardly protruding stick to performing infectious iconic “And what’s wrong with being an bellybutton, more commonly known disco songs – not misdiagnosing Although children worldwide loved the idea of Babar's ruling elephant elephant? We can wash our backs as an ‘outy.’ The discovery was medical conditions. I don’t care if family, local elephants found his with our trunk, that’s cool right? You made after her long time boyfriend, Michael's dead – with this crippling absolute monarchy politically and can’t forget your ways Babar, we’re Brad Chadwick, experienced both condition some days I wish I was.” confusion and difﬁculty when he morally offensive, seeing it as a elephants and we never forget!” tried to drink a tequila shot from her In other shocking news, a lengthy justiﬁcation for colonialism. The violent government investigation has It is unclear what the future holds for bellybutton. coup was formed as a result of the revealed that the identity of the Celestville, but there are reports of a demand to return to fundamentalist It has since been revealed that air mysterious ‘Man in the Mirror’ with cocky lion cub boasting that he ‘just elephant ways. brushing was used in her promotions whom Mr Jackson pleaded to can’t wait to be king’. “Sheesh,” said and acting roles to give her body ’change his ways’ was, in fact, his “Who does he think he is?” said Gary. “I hope not, I don’t want to wait an ‘inny’ in order to make her look own reﬂection. protestor, Gary. “He goes off next to a rock for that baboon to hold like a normal person. Her modelling to France and comes back all him up. I get really bad sunburn.” companies have since terminated the contracts they held with her now that her ‘outy’ predicament is public knowledge. In a statement released this afternoon, Scott has vowed to sue her modelling companies on the grounds of contumelious foofaraw. THE COVER-UP that dare not speak its name… She has also spearheaded the Nick Kraegen development of several non-proﬁt organisations designed to help A University of Tasmania academic’s new theory ‘outies’ (as these poor people have concerning the origins and goals of the ‘lesbian’ come to be known) cope with their sexuality, has sparked debate and speculation in the condition; quite an impressive feat community. given the incredibly short time “It has to be an ultra-feminist secret society. Only by frame. At a rally earlier today, Scott rejecting men in all ways can they achieve the solidarity exclaimed, “What gives people needed for the ultimate overthrow of the patriarchy, or, the right to judge the content of as they call it, penisocracy,” said Dr Richard Fidler. our character by the way our A lesbian secret society…what would their secret handshake be? bellybuttons bulge?” Dr Fidler believes his ‘Lesbian Secret Society’ provides the only explanation to what he sees as the logical Her detractors released a statement inconsistencies of women who love women. Self-appointed and confusingly-titled King of the saying that no judgements were Lesbians, K.D. Lang, responded to the theory with made on her character. They argue “Clearly the idea that these women are just attracted to women is ridiculous,” he said. “Orlando Bloom is scepticism. instead that outies “just look weird and they are aesthetically displeasing some kind of demi-god and even I would be happy to “Look, even if we were a secret society, and I’m not and sexually submissive”. eat treacle off or out of any part of him.” saying that we are, you can hardly blame some women According to statistics from the ABS, Unfortunately for Dr Fidler, he personally has not been for not wanting to jump into bed with every big sweaty over 23 per cent of the population able to gauge the reactions of the lesbian community. truck driver that comes along,” said Ms Lang. suffer from the condition, coined Fidler plans to continue his investigation of the group, “I can’t ﬁnd them anywhere, and believe me I’ve been ‘bauble button’. Furthermore, 77 per and provide the government with regulate updates on looking,” he said. “But just like bigfoot, aliens and cent of people in this group undergo the strength and imminence of the ‘lesbian threat’. leprechauns, the only place I seem to be able to ﬁnd elective surgery to have their belly a real, live lesbian is on the internet - where there’s buttons reconstructed into an ‘inny,’ “If you saw some of the videos I’ve downloaded, you’d plenty, incidentally. an increase of 30 per cent after the know we’re dealing with a ruthless and hardened foe,” government run intervention ‘outy “If they’re not just hanging around the place like he said. “If you see a stocky lass with a crew-cut and you come, inny you go’. Two out everybody else, where are they? In some giant cage a pumpkin, I’d advise you to run.” of every 10 people commit suicide somewhere? You shouldn’t put women in cages.” each year due to bellybutton related incidents. PAGE 06 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 We are rapidly optimising our policies to meet the changing needs of our stakeholders. In order to encourage more participation in academic life, we have removed the beer pipes from Manning and Hermann’s and replaced them with No-Doz dispensing machines. We have performed extensive market research on The Bull and decided to Hello everyone, my name is to two conclusions. The ﬁrst is change its format to that of a tabloid CEO3000 and I am your new USU that democracy is ineffective. The newspaper, reﬂecting a strategy President. As you may be aware, second is that the SRC is even being undertaken with some success the USU has recently been taken more ineffective and that we should by other major publications such as over by cyborgs. I would like to take instead target the USU for takeover. The Sydney Morning Herald. This did this opportunity to inform you of the As such, we organised not require any signiﬁcant change in details of this exciting new change. to have your past president, Patrick editorial policy. We have also begun As cyborgs, we recognised the threat Bateman, assassinated as he was exploring ways to use the University do this by phasing out carbon- the University of Sydney was facing being driven in a motorcade past the WiFi network to test the software we students over a 10 year period. from a range of corners, including a grass on the front lawns. Initially we will use for Skynet. Those carbon students who require rival faction of cyborgs, alien invasion, thought we could try to frame one of accommodation on or near campus and increased capital works funding I am exploring a number of fantastic the other directors for the incident, opportunities for students in the form simply take up too much space, for vaguely fascistic architecture. demanding excessive luxuries such but it was implausible that any of of increased campus employment. As such, it was necessary to take them would have been capable of Already I am in negotiations with a as a curtain around their oversized control of a student organisation planning it. large brothel to open a branch in sleeping bag in the living room. By in order to help give you quality the old women’s room. Students contrast, cyborg students can easily representation and prepare the way We have reached a compromise with would be able to ﬁt this employment be stored in lecture theatres when for a younger generation of cyborgs the board in which I, CEO3000, have to enter university and replace around their timetable with reduced they are not in use. This policy has taken Mr Bateman’s place and the inefﬁcient carbon-based students. need for commuting. We also plan an exciting degree of synergy with rest allowed to keep their positions Especially worrying was the lack on approaching Sydney Talent to the University’s strategy of reducing In exchange, I am vetting all their of time carbon-students devote to organise an internship program its teaching burden and focusing public communications, including study and their excess consumption at the branch, which will no doubt on core activities such as hosting any communication on any subject of beer, which distorted the local provide valuable career pathways to weddings and cocktail receptions. with any student who is not a director. market and threatened to create a undergraduate ﬁnance and business This will ensure the USU brand is I hope you are as excited by these revolt by local residents. management students. not eroded by the appearance of changes as I am. At ﬁrst, our strategy was to take controversy or dissent on the board, Another priority of the USU, will be over the SRC through the electoral thus enhancing student participation lobbying the University for better CEO3000 process. After this failed, we came in the university experience. student housing. We propose to USU President NO-DOZ PLUS TABLETS INCREASE ALERTNESS an iPhone 3GS TO HELP YOU STUDY LONGER. Or 1 of 14 NO-DOZ PLUS CONTAINS iPod Shufﬂes! CAFFEINE WHICH CAN: The ﬁrst music – relieve mental fatigue player that you. y talks to you – increase the capacity to accomplish more – improve speed and accuracy of abstract reasoning Enter now at – help you stay alert and nodoz.com.au wide awake iPhone 3GS 32GB. iPod Shufﬂe 4GB. Apple is not a participant in or a sponsor of this promotion. Key Pharmaceuticals: No-Doz Plus Competition 2009. Full terms and conditions available at keypharm.com.au. Terms and Conditions: Competition closes 30/11/2009. Minor prizes valued at $129 each. Major prizes valued at $1,040 each. Entry form available online at nodoz.com.au. Authorised under NSW permit no. LTPS/09/06818, ACT permit no. TP 09/03033. amba1012-1bul Always read the label. Use only as directed. If symptoms persist see your healthcare professional. ASMI/16758-0709 CHILD OF AFRICAN Beyond the Whinge DICTATOR GENUINELY WANTS TO GIVE AWAY GALLOP It’s not fun being a right-winger at the moment, but Michael LARGE AMOUNTS OF GOLD, GETS ANNOYED RETIRES Burrell’s not feeling sorry for himself, like some kind of lezzy tree-hugger. He puts a conservative slant on recent news BY NIGERIAN SCAMMER DUE TO STRESS Andrew Marriott BARACK OBAMA Okembi Okfana, son of deposed The ﬁrst post-race, and dictator, Tarembi Okfama, announced post-achievement President. his displeasure yesterday at Nigerian scammers hindering his efforts to I was in complete dismay when give away his father’s unclaimed I saw the news about Barack gold. Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. As opposed to my out of touch: and the viewers are Mr Okfana told reporters, “Before my conservative ranting on the issue, ultimately changing the channel father was executed at the hands of I thought I’d share what Iain Martin because of it. I hope some these his people in our national stadium, Masculinity or mating ritual? in The Wall Street Journal had to characters are killed-off before the he said: ‘Okembi, take all our nations say on the matter: show is cancelled for good. gold that I’ve stolen in my lifetime, Nick Kraegen ﬁnd a random Internet user, and “Think about it, it’s so postmodern: ZIMBABWE make their dreams come true. Only Embattled CEO of the National a leader can now win the peace A more serious note. then I will be proud of you.’” Rugby League, David Gallop, today prize for saying that he hopes to left the job, citing extreme stress Last week on the ABC news, He continued: “I started emailing bring about peace at some point which has taken a toll on his health. a special segment was shown people, but those damn Nigerians! in the future. He doesn’t actually covering the crisis in Zimbabwe. They stole my story. I mean, all it Gallop released a statement have to do it, he just has to have Mugabe’s dispossession of the takes is one person to email me explaining his reasons, summarised aspirations. Brilliant.” white farmers, his ‘land reform’ back and bam - the gold is theirs. below: has undeniably left Zimbabweans Of course I need your bank account THE FEDERAL LIBERAL on the brink of starvation. The “At ﬁrst I didn’t mind going on the PARTY: The poorest rating details, how else am I going to get Socialist Alternative should take Footy Show and apologising when show on TV. this gold to you? It’s the most logical note of this form of Socialism blokes were out playing silly buggers. way. You try and do something Tony Abbott recently described that they so vehemently promote: Let’s face it, these guys aren’t paid nice in this world, and all you get is the Federal Liberal Party as a taking away the productive to think, they’re paid to run into each skepticism.” ‘soap opera’. He’s right you resources away from the other, so if they’re a bit rough around know. The departure of the productive, and giving them to the “What am I supposed to do with the the edges that’s to be expected.” star of the show Peter Costello dregs of society. Mugabe’s thugs gold now? Alleviate my country‘s “But then things got weird. Suddenly has left viewers dismayed. The that now squat on these farms crippling foreign debt? No! It should they’re all forgetting the meaning of position of Opposition Leader is have not only destroyed private help some Westerner buy cool stuff, words like ‘monogamy’, ‘no’, and like a knocked-up teenager for property, but have also salted like 52-inch plasma TVs, Snuggies ‘don’t hit your girlfriend with a glass’. whom no-one is willing to claim the once fertile land of the former and Shamwows.” And it never stops. I can’t keep track responsibility. The so-called ‘food bowl of Africa’. I wonder There have been subsequent reports of which Johns brother is in favour in ‘Torchbearers of Conservatism’ on how great post-colonial Africa that efforts by Okfana’s Russian maid any given week. One’s a coke ﬁend the backbench are carrying on like and self-determination are when to try and ﬁnd a Western groom and then the other’s a gang-bangist; the old matriarch: self-righteous you are starving. online (to pay for her airfare) have and somehow when something new been met with little success. comes along we forget about what the other one’s done…I don’t know. It’s like they’re playing dickhead Rain in Spain Doesn’t Fall Mainly on the Plain leap-frog.” “Then comes the day when you, The rain in Spain falls mainly on the mountainous and coastal regions, idiot. as the head of a major national brand, have to stand up in front of the country and apologise for the member of your organisation who has done a poo in a hotel corridor. On that day you have to ask some pretty tough questions about the value of your work. And I just Michael Falk leaving to simultaneously bullﬁght, actually one less bird than two in the couldn’t come up with the answers play soccer and be a fundamentalist bush — as the old saying goes, two Meteorologists today revealed that any more." Catholic. birds are better than one. the rain in Spain doesn’t actually Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, thanked fall mainly on the plain. In fact, they Juan, of course, is a stereotype, More disturbingly, a number of blind Gallop for his years of service. say, the rain there follows the usual so his meteorological credentials and numb people have failed to ﬁnd course of events and falls mainly on are suspect. To cross-check them, their own two feet, making it near “The people of Australia owe David the places with clouds over them. we consulted Italian public servant, impossible to step into the other a great debt,” said Mr Rudd. “I will Giovanni d’Inefﬁcient. On our person’s shoes. The governments nominate him for a knighthood for Polite Spanish meteorologist, Juan seventeenth attempted contact, he of Canada and the Seychelles are services to the prevention of sexual Flamenco-Hola-Rodiriguez, greeted replied simply by post that “Haste assault, arbitrary violence, public your correspondent “¿How now working to solve this worldwide Makes Waste,” and that if we defecation. He’s failed, obviously, brown person?”, correctly noting epidemic. distracted him from his corruption or but considering the people he was that I had a tan. He continued, “The procrastination again, he’d “Hasten And it doesn’t end there. Only last working with, the struggle was pretty weather patterns of Spain are not noble.’ determined by English elocution our way to the Waste... of Hell,” with week, in Sydney, a doctor driven exercises. Were they, my poor the help of the Camorra. mad by apples murdered a poor Gallop is to pursue an academic English literacy would likely put me fruit-consumer because they had an career studying the socialisation and This depressing trend of old apple a day. At least now the doctor out of the job!” mating habits of apes. He claims platitudes interfering with the truth is away, in prison. to already have some exciting new When it was put to him that he has caused deep rifts at the heart theories to contribute. seemed perfectly capable of speaking of society. Anecdotal evidence And that, as they say, is that English, he replied: “¿que?”, before suggests that a bird in the hand is bullshit. PAGE 08 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 HE WATCHES THE MEDIA, BUT WHO’S WATCHING JONATHAN? Caligula respected news programs, and Mr Holmes is said to be absolutely and listening to 2GB radio on one instead was put in his place by the livid about latest ratings ﬁgures of those old tranny’s”. (A tranny is a Jonathan Holmes, egomaniac and O’Brien ‘ﬁsts of fury’. placing Media Watch as the least- transistor radio, easy children.) all-round party pooper of Media watched program in the universe. Watch fame has been seen punching Sources close to Mr O’Brien (like, Nielsen reported that only “30 people While Mr O’Brien reportedly will not out everybody’s favourite ABC host really close) commented that this and one alien” view Media Watch. leave his dressing room to comment, Kerry O’Brien. Onlookers were outburst is just the latest in a series Mr Holmes had this to say: shocked when Holmes (75/how old of confrontations. “Jonathan is just Several MeCo girls were overheard is he really?, looks like dinosaur- really jealous of Kez because Kez gossiping about the ‘intellectual “I regret nothing! The standards age) ran onto the 7.30 Report set has heaps better ratings and, like, dreamboat’ that is O’Brienator. One are slipping at ABC and I had to and screamed to the vigorous and gets all the chicks that rock up at particularly excited second-year do something about it! That stupid, youthful Mr O’Brien that his “stupid the ABC,” they said. exclaimed, “He totally asked me overly-quaffed-hair, ratings whore little journalistic endeavour is fucking back to his dressing room, I’m sooo Kerry is a thumping bore who shit!” The conﬂict stems from ABC’s getting that cadetship next year.” wouldn’t know a story if it hit him in latest budget cuts, meaning that Mr the face.” The altercation ended when Holmes Holmes’s Media Watch assistants A friend of a friend’s ex-boyfriend’s attempted to hit Mr O’Brien in the are being redirected towards the housemate who once saw Mr Holmes Well, this reporter doesn’t see face. Fortunately he was no match higher-rating and more accessible crossing the street describes him as anything hitting the hottie host for the superior skills of battle that 7.30 Report, and Mr O’Brien by “a really old guy, with a heaps weird anytime soon, especially not come from primetime hosting of extension. face. He was really concentrating washed-up critic Jonathan Holmes. Honi Campaign BLIMPS GUNNED DOWN By National LIGHT BEER, Security, SRC to Review Election Regulations A SECRET KILLER? Alistair Stephenson considered,” claimed Christine Kibble, the university’s SRC Electoral Ofﬁcer. Callie Henderson Two mid-sized blimps, purchased “You just wouldn’t bother running You go down to the pub, and when for campaign purposes in this year’s unless you were able to get at least a you get to the bar, thinking of that Honi Soit elections, were shot down helicopter in the sky – it’d just be lazy babe in your government tute and by national security on the outskirts of otherwise.” the 12 kilos you’ve got to lose Camperdown early this morning. Ever wondered what makes light “I don’t see why the government before they will ever like you (though beer taste so shit? Here it is. The aircraft were described by feels the need to intervene”, honestly, even then its in the realm of military personnel as “an unnecessary Kibble continued. “This is standard unlikely-ville). You order a light beer. The Bull can exclusively reveal that practice… and with 305 Honi- disturbance to the wider community”, All the taste, half the calories. along with water, yeast and hops, all despite the increasingly common afﬁliated SRC tickets running this year light beers are infused with just a few use of non-rigid airships in student to help fund the campaigns… it’s not But behind that innocuous branding as if the editors have any problem drops of distilled Orangutan. The campaigns. lies a secret killer. No, I’m not talking with budget. The system just works.” about liver cirrhosis, but something secret ingredient apparently works Despite the general student much more horriﬁc. The secret as a compensator for the decreased acceptance of such aircraft being Neither Honi ticket was available for alcohol level. utilised in campaign advertising, questioning, but members of the ‘St. ingredient that deﬁes the bounds of John’s Pharmacy Girls for Siblings’ morality. the local community’s complaints In fact, the marked decline in wild SRC ticket were seen salvaging the have forced the SRC to review their Light beer contains essence of wreckage hours later. Orangutan populations directly election regulations. This will prove Orangutan. corresponds to the invention of the to be controversial, as the integrity popular but immoral light beer. of SRC policy has rarely, if ever, been ‘But aren’t Orangutans an endangered called into question. species’ I hear you exclaim, spilling your ﬁlthy light beer all over your Demand for light beer is putting “Chalking, websites, clothing, aircraft, free trade organic cotton t-shirt. these red-haired animals in serious lecture bashing and videos are all And you are correct sir. Nonetheless danger of deadness. Hope you feel necessary elements of a campaign its insidious practice continues. pretty bad now. if a ticket wants to be seriously From school to uni. You did it. 09/2112:1b CRICOS Provider No. 00026A Now help some school kids get there too. The University of Sydney’s Volunteers are required for a wide Compass program encourages variety of projects throughout the year. primary and secondary school For more information and details on how children to stay in school and to get involved visit our website: think about higher education. www.usyd.edu.au/compass/volunteer THE YEAR IN REVIEW UNDRESSING 2009, SLOWLY & SEDUCTIVELY The year that was sure ran a riot. Climate change went Danish. Tidal waves swept Samoa. Obama was inaugurated. Victoria was on ﬁre. Air France disappeared off the radar. Swine ﬂu ran rampant. Roman Polanksi was arrested in Switzerland. Pete Doherty was also arrested in Switzerland. Lady Gaga took off her pants, without actually having any on in the ﬁrst place. And we were there to be cynical about it all. The Bull gets annual nostalgia and wonders what the hell happened this year? oppressing white people”. When OBAMA’S Nobel Peace Prize asked for details, he went on, saying ,“He’s bringing in Nazi death panels to force old white people to die to make THUGBY LEAGUE room for black Muslims and illegal Robert Chiarella can get Mexicans and cancerous Jews. We need to keep America pure, and that politically controversial, means not being peaceful to those Yes He Can. who harm us.” Mr Khapman then ended the interview when a pigeon A great stir was caused when Barack Obama was awarded the 2009 Nobel shat on his robe. “Damn, there isn’t a Peace Prize only nine months into his single white dry-cleaner around here.” term. Critics on the left complained Upon presenting the award, that he had not accomplished much Norwegian rapper and mature- in the way of peace and was in fact age technical education drop-out escalating conﬂict in Afghanistan. Lars Larson paused to say, “I just People wondered why other candidates had been passed over. thought Bono had the best peace plan of all time.” When asked off the On the right, US radio host Ross record what his daughters thought of Lombard complained that the Larson, Obama said words we will award “just showed that the not repeat here. Europeans, especially those socialist Scandinavians, just love that pinko An anonymous member of the prize lefty. Did you know he has Dijon committee defended the decision. mustard on his hamburger? This “The prize is not for what he has done so-called peace prize is simply un- during the Presidency,” she said. “It Pat Effeney talks on-ﬁeld tactics and off-ﬁeld lack of tact American, just like Obama himself. is for the election. By winning, he How can someone bring about stopped Dr. Strangelove getting hold world peace when he isn’t even May I begin by saying that it is lass before the season had even of the US military. I don’t understand American?” fantastic to see the pure variety begun, and the NRL had to punish why people don’t see how this has thrown up by Rugby League this ’09 him, because his club wouldn’t. After At a protest rally in Washington, KKK helped world peace. Also, what the season? ﬁnding who the buck stops all, why would you suspend your member Kris Khapman komplained fuck has the Dalai Lama actually with is harder to ﬁnd than a referee best player, even if he did (allegedly) that “Obama is not peaceful, he’s achieved?” do it with a 16-year-old? Then, more that doesn’t use hair gel. Not only did we have the usual mix of players in the Greg Bird mould (man glasses assaulting their girlfriends and girlfriend), was the Greg Inglis story, generally abusing women, we had which is still under the deliberation of couple of new, non women-related our nation’s ﬁnest legal experts. crimes, and new types of criminals The real interesting stuff, though, too. came from the coaches. Jason So the usual story with Rugby League Taylor managed to incite a king-hit thuggery is as follows: Player gets from a 110kg beast. Rumours are pissed. Player ﬁnds young girl and that this story is actually just a cover would love to have a cup of tea with up of the real story, in which JT was her the next morning. Who knows rendered unconscious by a barrage what the girl is thinking. A couple of phones thrown by the Rabbitohs of weeks later, she decides it would co-owner. Another coach, Brad be a good idea to sue player. Media Fittler, managed to wake the local have a ﬁeld day. Player disgraced, at denizens of a country pub with a least for a couple of weeks. drunken rampage to rival that of any of his players. There were a couple of stories that followed this precise formula. Brett Otherwise, Nate Myles shat in a hotel Stewart had a little foray with a likely hallway. That is all. PAGE 10 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 story that, three months before the A PLETHORA OF DUST- upon Sydney on the morning of 23 September, 2009. world will end, the prophets of the LIONHEARTS Roads were paved in the red tar world will witness the forecoming of the great ending of the world. It is the Bridie Connellan is going to be the youngest person RIDERS of the Gibson Desert. Cars all readily took the option of metallic rust colour detail. Shoes all became opposite, say the Gadigal People, of the dust storm which accordingly happened after the world was to sail around the world, or IN THE STORM fashionably red. Yet what made this event most spectacular was created by the Rainbow Serpent, wherein the Serpent coughed will at least join the queue to Arghya Gupta was the total lack of media coverage and covered Australia in dust as a claim it. bombasted by red dust, surrounding the event. Not a single punishment to the grass and trees newspaper mentioned it. Apparently who had earlier failed to obey the and the apocalypse. weather is not quality news. wishes of the Serpent and decided to use chlorophyll as their main form of sustenance instead of the rocks given to them by the Serpent. A more contemporary and probably accurate analysis of the situation, however, comes from Dr Karl Kruszelnicki, speaking behind his desk in Sydney Uni’s Physics Building. Dr Kruszelnicki It seems this year a generation of believes that the dust storm was kids all read Jesse Martin’s Lionheart only viewable by those who have a as gospel. Taking the young sailor’s more sensitive visual spectrometry epic story as a biblical text, the than the normal population. Just overachieving youth of this year took as some people hear higher noises daring to new heights as the record better than others, and cats can for the youngest unassisted sail see ultraviolet light, some, not all, around the world seemed somewhat people could see dust storms. More ‘up for grabs’. Teenage Aussie importantly, without certain ﬁlters, sailor Jessica Watson launched most stock video cameras used by her attempt to sail solo around the media organisations would pick up world recently after a practice run nothing but an ordinary skyline. Last month, blanket of dust covered Television audiences were similarly that nearly spelt tragic disaster. The 16-year-old schoolgirl narrowly Sydney in a way not predicted kept out of the loop. Only one So perhaps it is a sign that the world escaped injury after her yacht by the El Niño or the La Niña question remained. Why? is now two months away from its collided with a foreign cargo ship off climactic cycles. Not predicted end. Or perhaps it is a sign that by any expert of climate change. There are a couple of theories blowing Queensland in September. Fibreglass 2007 ﬁrst-release HD cameras just versus 63,000 tonnes of Hong Kong Not even predicted by car wash around. The ﬁrst comes from the do not cut it anymore. But one thing merchant ship? Bring it, she says. managers who like to foresee how times when the dust provided a bed is for sure – it was real. Why else their sales for the coming week for the ancestors of this land. The would Christopher Hitchens write an But Watson wasn’t alone in her will be. No, rather, it just descended Gadigal People have a traditional article about it? ambitions, with British 17-year- old Michael Perham becoming the youngest person to sail around the world solo in August, although with autopilot problems the non- assisted title was thrown to the FAME, FORTUNE AND FATALITIES ﬁshes. Amazingly, 17-year-old Zac Nick Kraegen just wants to interrupt you there… Sunderland from the US had set this outrageous record just six weeks The death of Michael Jackson Kanye West feels about the Video clearly not. Sure the dancing’s good earlier. Tough break Sundo. and she’s not wearing much, but the in June was a surprise to almost Music Awards ‘Video of the Year’ However 13-year-old Laura Dekker everyone. After the news broke, award. whole thing’s basically a lava lamp unquestionably takes this year’s the world went into a state of when it comes down to it. mourning. Like most things about the So when Taylor Swift got the gong cake for over-ambition as a young singer, it didn’t seem to have rational for 2009, he just couldn’t let that Also, Patrick Swayze died. Is sailor. The Dutch youth saw a Netherlands court seeking to place explanation. After approximately injustice stand. He grabbed the anybody’s life radically changed by her in temporary care of childcare 38 seconds, however, we all went microphone to let all the people of the that? He did his best work years ago ofﬁcials as authorities put a two- back to forwarding emails calling world know that Beyoncé’s ‘Single and you kind of always got the feeling month full stop in her voyage plans him a paedophile. She is a ﬁckle Ladies’ was “one of the best videos he was being propped up by the to (yet again) be the youngest mistress, fame. of all time”. Apart from anything it’s people around him. We don’t know… unassisted solo circumnavigator. Whether she will be allowed to set There were obviously some genuine sail or not remains to be seen, but mourners, but their cause wasn’t like a less-than-pleasant Christmas helped by Wacko Jacko’s continued present, it seems to be the thought assault on sanity and good taste, that counts. even in death. His funeral had it all: A-list mourners with eyes full Parental groups and naggers alike of crocodile tears, all the glitz of a continuously voiced strong opinion Hollywood premiere (except, this against encouraging attempts such was the opposite), and…a gold as Watson’s and Dekker’s, with cofﬁn? Really? experienced sailor Andrew Cape dramatically comparing the Aussie’s For a lot of people, the winner voyage to an inexperienced farm kid of the Nobel Peace Prize is an with an old riﬂe trying to "take on important and contentious issue. the Taliban". So either the parents The laureate must be deserving; of 2009 are getting more paranoid, the award itself is so signiﬁcant or the existential crisis of Gen Y may as to resonate through all facets of just get them all killed. Where’s your its recipient, a ringing endorsement journey advice now Jesse Martin? of all that they are. This is how THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 PAGE 11 REVIEWS The Bull read… THE BULL D orothy Parker once concluded a novel review with the immortal observation: “This is not a book to be put down lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” As a sentence in the pantheon of twentieth-century shit-throwing, it remains without peer: perfectly weighted, instantly memorable and designed to kill. Switch 'book' for 'magazine', and Parker has succinctly reviewed the USU's magazine, The Bull, in 2009. Only one issue, Dorothy - you missed the fact that the very act of throwing it away was also deeply unsatisfying. As an ex-editor of the publication, I feel privileged for the invitation to pass judgment over the glossy shambles that tried, earnestly tried, to join the big boys, but got a face full of sand and a cheque for $3,000 at the end of the year. The well-worn litmus test for the quality of a student publication is the absorbency of its paper stock. My current editing project, Honi Soit , is in a pinch comparable to the paddle-pop-like toilet paper provided in McDonald’s restrooms. The Bull is something else entirely. Though I may have aroused a nagging curiosity amongst you to ﬁnd out for yourselves, I'll leave you with one word of warning: don't. That aside, the more traditional method of ascertaining the quality of a publication is a cogent critique of what it actually contains. The regulars, found at the arse-end of the magazine, were a mineﬁeld of tired simulacrum adorned weekly with the largest overall tally of condom photography in a publication - thanks stock.xchng - since Marie Stopes discovered Microsoft Publisher. 'Aristotle Claymore' read suspiciously like 'The Adventures of have all the hallmarks of carefully- to a series of political pieces by renaming it 'The Cow', as would camouﬂaged and frustrated virginity. someone who is surely Barnaby have been logical, would have Squirter McGee, Country Football Did I mention that there were lots of Joyce's presumptive heir, they slightly undermined their purpose. Legend', from the 2007 volume condom pictures? Yes, there were stood to capture the marvelous of Monash's paper, Lot's Wife. To paraphrase Parker, this publication lots. diversity of opinion and background That geezer Philippe, supposedly ran the gamut of interest from 'a' to typifying Surry Hills champagne Better were the contributions offered at the University of Sydney. The 'b'. Time to [moo]ve on. hipsterdom, is just as easily found by the student body. Running in autonomous Women's Edition also these days in Lane Cove Plaza. scope from a delightful skewering of raised a smile with their retention 0 Bulls out of 5 The replies offered by Dr Nasty the Toyota Prius' green credentials of the 'Bull' moniker. Admittedly, Will Atkinson PAGE 12 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 THE WORST OF THE INTERNET http://lbn.threat.tv/mrhands.mpg http://free2g1c.com/ thing inside him, it shatters. The LE, BUT REALLY, PEOP ‘Mr Hands’ ‘Two Girls, remaining two minutes of the video IF YOU’RE FAINT OF shows him, without a single word ‘Zeta Mo’ Betta One Cup’ or sound, removing shards of glass E HEART SKIP TO TH Productions Everybody’s heard from his badly bleeding anus. During NEXT PAGE. presents: Deep Thrusts’, about ‘Two Girls, One Cup’. If you haven’t seen that time you will inevitably notice that he has signiﬁcant scarring on announces the it, it begins with one of the his thighs and genitals, and so it About 20 years ago, human shoddy titles at the beginning of two girls defecating into a glass. would seem that he does this type beings created the Internet. It’s an this video. ‘Starring Mr Hands and Then her and another girl take the of thing habitually. amazingly powerful resource – it Super Sal the Wonder Horse,’ the faeces into their mouths, swallow it, next frame announces. And then it kiss each other with it covering their They say it takes all sorts to make renders previously-insurmountable a world. ‘They’ clearly grew up in a barriers like geography and time all unfolds. A man, naked from the lips, and so forth. Then they vomit waist down, bent over in front of a into each other’s mouths, all while generation without the Internet. almost insigniﬁcant. Within a generation, knowledge could be horse, in a dark stable. The camera Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give utterly democratised, with the entire shifts slightly and we learn that You Up’ plays in the background. www.thistleharlequin.com the horse has a gigantic erection. The one minute version most people population of the world having The horse then proceeds to have have seen was originally intended Putrid Sex Object access to the same information. Currently, however, it’s 12 per cent sex with the man. Mercifully, this as the trailer for scat-porn feature, A transvestite in a porn, and that percentage is rising. only takes about 15 seconds, after Hungry Bitches. Indeed. wedding dress creeps which both parties appear to have through a dark, The following ‘worst of’ looks at gotten what they wanted out of the http://1guy-1cup. deserted house, before videos, because these show not just exchange. com happening upon a things that people have imagined, One Guy, bloody horse’s head but things that they have done and The man, it has since emerged, was named Kenneth Pinyan, and was a One Cup’ with no skin on it. He decided to share with the world. begins to kiss it sensually, before The Internet has held an unﬂinching Boeing employee from the Seattle If you are disgusted having sex with it, inserting the mirror up to humanity. Human area in the US. He actually died after by the concept of ‘Two girls, one viscera in his anus, and eventually beings made it, and everything on one of many sexual encounters with cup’, you probably shouldn’t even ejaculating onto it. The man, Thistle it, and so what’s there reﬂects on horses perforated his colon and read this. This video would be Harlequin, is a tattoo/piercing artist, every member of the species to caused him to contract peritonitis. more accurately described as ‘One apparently. There’s not much more some degree. These videos may be A ﬁlm about him, called Zoo, was guy, one jar’, because it involves a to say. disgusting, but they are also very, one of the 16 winners of the 2007 man forcing his rectum over a jam very popular. We’re in trouble. Sundance Festival. Only in America. jar, and just as he gets the whole Make pay while the sun shines. Summer is a great time for extra earning, and SydneyTalent is working hard to source new opportunities for student employment over the vacation break. Obviously you’ll need some time for the sun – and with SydneyTalent you can have it. Our work placements are flexible and pay market rates, while our learning and development offer means an investment in your summer is also an important investment in yourself. So register at www.sydneytalent.com.au or call us on (02) 8627 8000 and explore a cool option for the warmer months. in different sizes: some make great subversive activities in relation to togas, others have become kilts, and membership in ‘GetUp’, a known YOUR many I’ve cut into wife-beaters. I like seditious organisation dedicated to think that the Southern Cross in to bringing down the government. the ﬂag holds an important message They may claim they merely wish for us all: the stars are shiny and to ‘inﬂuence policy’ through the white, so we should be too. ‘democratic process’, but even this as a naked admission of disloyalty. Also, what kind of last name is We understand she is ‘campaigning’ SAY “Tjoeng” anyway? All I’m saying is in marginal seats, placing the hard- that The Bull should seriously think working, patriotic sitting members in about who they hire as editors. Can grave jeopardy. she even speak English? Do not under any circumstances From, reveal that you are assisting us Not-a-racist with our enquiries or you will be disappeared faster than an UR DOIN IT RONG Argentinean smack addict. Dear Bull, Love, STUDENT HOUSING HONI ELECTIONS 2 ASIO Why are their always typo’s in your Sir or Madam, Dear Bull, magazine? You need to recuit some new editors. WE PROMISE TO COVER Here in Sydney, a very famous It was disappointing to read that the THIS STORY Australian Poet, mooted as a future Ace team were refusing to release Angry, Nobelist, lived in Fisher for a time in the text of their response to your Dear Bull, the 1960s. publication – and ironic, given that Peter Edward Antik I write to you because your they wish to be journalists who try to This was before he was able to gain THIS MAGAZINE WHICH crusading, quality journalism is the get behind this kind of secrecy. lodging in a local old-style pub. A I REGULARLY AND AVIDLY only thing that will get THE TRUTH popular choice for male students in Regards, READ IS FILTH! out to your large base of readers, at the 60s and 70s. least more than the 12 of my e-list. The Vox Team Dear Editors, You see, there is a CONSPIRACY Regards, to control AUSTRALIA and maybe GET OFF MY LAWN I was sickened and disgusted by NEW ZEALAND (my sources are not A. Herber your oeuvre over the course of this clear on the last one) by a secretive Dear Bull, year. Every edition contained some cabal of GOLD merchants. They YOU’VE EXPOSED US… kind of debauched ﬁlth passing itself Kids these days. I mean with all the have secretly taken the supplies of as humour. Toothbrushes as dildos, Fort Knox under cover of the CIA Dearest Editors, rock’n’roll and ‘hoola hoops’ and endless sex with animals, selling bodily and are using it to secretly ﬂood worse, ‘pashing’, what’s come of May I say, ﬁrst of all, that those of you ﬂuids for money. That’s not clever, the market and discourage people society? Your paper should run a who have edited this ﬁne publication OK? It’s not sharply observed satire, moving from unsound currency to campaign to improve their morals. for the entire year have done an it’s just saying what other people are gold by manipulating this price!!!!!!! absolutely outstanding job. On this Regards, too digniﬁed to say. You should all note may I comment on my absolute have a good, hard look at yourselves. BARACK OBAMA IS IN ON THIS! disgust in you letting some rookie A. Carr Mudgeon, esq. So are the Nobel Committee and Hufﬁly, the British Royal Family who have scum replace a vibrant, intelligent and talented editor such as Sara DON’T CALL US RACIST! Cecily Bonobo already shown their abilities to hide Haghdoosti. Not only did you replace their ﬂooding of the drug markets Oi! the editor, but you also replaced my Dear Cecily, behind the veil of prohibition which love of this publication with a sheer The article on neo-Nazis written by BIG TOBACCO wants. And THE hatred. I only read the last editions Diana Tjoeng made me full of boiling You write like a chick with rockin’ MEDIA is in on it too, whenever I of The Bull to laugh at the inane crap bloody rage. All you newspaper-y titties. We’d love to have a ‘good, write they come back with things that said editor produces. Cricket? people ever do is take a good Aussie hard’ look at you. How about it? like ‘sources’ and ‘libel risk’ to Music? Fucking fake skepticism hero and give them a hard time. Take Bull ;) silence me, they are just part of the articles? And if you expect me to that Dr Jim Saleam, for example, conspiracy to control your MINDS think some northern beaches pill- seems like a top bloke to me. He’s why can’t people see??!!??!!! HAVE YOU SEEN SARA? head is funny in his crudeness, you're just saying what everyone’s thinking: Because the education system has losing your touch. He's clearly just funny coloured people just don’t ﬁt in Dear Editors, been perverted by the TEACHER copying his best mate's idea who here. We are writing to ask if you know UNIONS who are secretly controlled probably lifted him onto the editorial I’m not a racist, but. I’m a patriot. anything about the whereabouts of by the ZIONISTS and by HUGO panel anyway. That’s why my wardrobe is only Sara Haghdoosti, former editor of CHAVEZ working in concert (under I have no respect for this new editor made up of Aussie ﬂags. I have ﬂags this publication. She is wanted for the cover of tense diplomatic rows) and look forward to the days when to turn young minds into SLAVES he is rotting in a casket. of the new world order. WE MUST STOP THIS! Sincerely, DEAR BULL PLEASE PUBLISH THIS Patrice Evraney NOW and investigate if you need you can contact me but I can’t tell you HONI ELECTIONS where because they’ll track me, this is worrying but if I can I will help you Dear Bull, with the full story and uncover the It was disappointing to read that the truth and stop the conspiracy in its Vox team were refusing to release tracks but WE NEED PEOPLE TO the text of their complaint to your KNOW. publication – and ironic, given that URGENTLY, they wish to be journalists who try to get behind this kind of secrecy. The TRUTH SEEKER Regards, The Ace Team PAGE 14 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 OPINION POLLS 35 100 30 80 25 20 60 % % 15 40 10 20 5 0 0 A B C A B C D WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR IN TO THE TAMIL ASYLUM THE SULS ELECTIONS? SEEKERS? A. Forte. A. KEEP THEM OUT B. Jump. B. Let them in, but punish them C. I exercised my legal and PETA COMPLAIN ABOUT THE humane way (i.e. placing it in a regal by making them perform on democratic right to vote below BULL. BUT IT’S OK BECAUSE forefront position in her own portrait), the Hey Hey, It’s Saturday the line. WE’RE BOVINE! perhaps it’s time you Bullies saw the reunion. error of your exploitative ways and D. What the fuck is SULS? Dear Bull, C. What’s an asylum seeker? treated these furry ﬁends in a more As an avid representative the Animal majestic manner. Ferrets are not for Welfare Protection Society, Lower token mentions. They may be illegal 40 35 Darlington Sector, Fifth Quadrant, to keep as pets in Portugal, but they 35 30 Episode IV, I must honestly express certainly deserve all the respect and 30 25 my utmost disgust and resentment costume wardrobe they can ﬁnd, 25 20 at your treatment of our furry footed under a recliner. % 20 % 15 creatures in your cache of editions Yours in domestication, 15 10 throughout 2009 that simply scream 10 pro-cruelty. Of particular note is your Bertha McFrumpton-Smythe 5 5 exploitation of the bovine species, 0 0 for pun and related-words worth, Acting Sitting Standing Heeling A B C D E A B C but more importantly my outrage Dropping Honorary Treasurer WHO REALLY CONTROLS DO YOU SUPPORT THE stems from your conduct toward the Animal Welfare Protection Society, THE ECONOMY? CHANGE IN FORMAT OF humble rodentia Mustela putorius Lower Darlington Sector, Fifth THE BULL? A. Kevin Rudd furo otherwise known in layman’s Quadrant, Episode IV B. Aliens A. Unsure terms as the FERRET. Consistent mentions in editor’s notes? A feature Winner: Best in Show, Yooralla C. Cyborgs B. Don’t Know photo on your Twitter cover? Even Trampoline Ferreting Championships C. Don’t Care D. George Soros one of your fabled ‘Contrary Dairy’ 2001-09, featuring entrant ‘Christobelle’ Black Sable with Roan E. The Socialist Alternative nonsenses advocated purchasing our lollopy-bodied comrades as a colouring, 2 handicap. means to combat the recession! Have you no petantic shame, you REMORSE 60 anti rodent-welfare peasants? The 50 HOW WILL YOU SPEND name ‘ferret’ is derived from the Latin YOU MONSTER. 40 MOST OF STU-VAC? furittus, meaning ‘little thief’, however YOU ALMOST KILLED HER. throughout 2009 it seems you and % 30 A. Studying your humanistic publication are more WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! 20 B. Facebook than happy to rob the livelihood of Regards, 10 C. Masturbating the world’s only animal to resemble 0 a sock-puppet. If Queen Elizabeth The future Mr. Blasko and every A B C I can own a ferret in a relatively other male in Newtown. LETTER OF THE YEAR Dear Bull, It was unfortunate to see The Bull sink to the kind of pro-shark partisanship peddled by reporters Michael Falk and Nick Kraegen last week (Fins of Fury, Edition 4). According to their 'expert', Ross Coleman, there's no way for us to defend against shark attack, and that if we want to enjoy the beach we just have to accept the risk of horriﬁc mauling. It's a man vs shark ocean out there and the last thing we need is a shark-sympathiser of the kind Falk brought us telling us to leave our knives and spearguns at home. An objective report would have let readers know that there are in fact a number of ways to keep the shark at bay: by poking it in the eye for example, or thrusting your hand into its gills. Upgrading your hand to a harpoon with the aid of speargun makes you even safer, and also provides for a charming Dickensian theme. Tom Lee Congratulations to Tom, winner of our annual letter of the year award. Tom will receive a one-year subscription to Honi Soit as a prize. THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 PAGE 15 WHAT’S Le Petit Tarte Rendezvous 4-6pm Camden Farms AGM 1-2pm ON Le Petit Tarte, 219 Glebe Point Rd Outside Webster Theatre Join FrenchSoc for another round of FOCUS AGM coffee, cake and conversation 1-2pm Women’s Board Mentoring New Law Building 011 MONDAY 26 to Launch SUNDAY 1 November 5pm Drop-In Meditation 1-2pm Board Common Room, Holme Holme Common Room For the full list of what’s on, visit www.usuonline.com USU is launching its revamped Meditation in a quiet atmosphere. Women’s Board Mentoring Program. Get involved in this great Lunchtime Sessions at student leadership initiative. Contact Manning French Study Group 1-2pm MONDAY 2-3pm email@example.com Margaret Telfer, Manning 26 OCTOBER Isabel Fidler, Manning Rock ya’ Balls Bingo Lunch and music are on my mind… Get ready for those exams. 5-6pm Vegesoc Lunch Manning PowerHouse Service 12-2pm MUSE AGM 1-2pm Manning Lawns You sunk my battleship… wait, 5-7pm wrong game. Refectory (Quad) $5 All you can eat vegetarian lunch. Holme Common Room Mid-week service right on campus. Russoc Weekly Drinks Orthodox Fellowship AGM SURG AGM 5-7pm Lingsoc Weekly Meeting 12-2pm 6-7.30pm Manning Bar 2pm - 4pm Meeting Room 1, Holme Holme Reading Room Transient Tearoom ECOPSoc Weekly Drinks Japanese Drama Screening TUESDAY 5-7pm Hermann’s Bar Free lunch, speed scrabble, tête-à- tête, and more! 1-2pm 27 OCTOBER Carslaw 356 TowelSoc IGM CubeSoc AGM Japanese TV [with English subtitles]! Pizza & Parsha 5-6pm 2-3pm 1-2pm Isabel Fidler, Manning Manning House HinduSoc. Discussions Loggia, Manning 1-2pm SUITS Trivia Night Anthsoc AGM Pizza and Torah discussion with 4-5.30pm Eastern Avenue Tutorial Room 311 AUJS. 5-10pm Manning Bar Room 148, RC Mills Meet some people and discuss philosophy. Weekly Anime Film Kiss goodbye a year of studies in Postgrad Masquerade Screenings the only way worthy... a Trivia night! Party YouChoose 1-2pm and lots of drinking. 5pm 1-2pm Architecture Lecture Theatre 3 Hermann’s Bar Manning Bar Finance & Banking Soc AGM “Canaan” and a RANDOM episode Celebrate the end of semester with 6-7.30pm Show us your Youtubes! SUPRA and USUat the Postgrad Tuesday Tunes Merewether 3 Masquerade Party. Come sporting Mnml Mndays 1-2pm yourﬁnest mask......or take a 1-2pm Manning Balcony Manning Balcony WEDNESDAY lucky dip mask at the door! Two free complimentary drinks for all Beats on the balcony at lunchtime 28 OCTOBER postgrads! Mnml music to chill out at lunch to. Hong Kong Club AGM The Executive AGM Biography Society IGM Vet Science Revue Society GM 1-3pm 12-2pm 5-7pm 1-2pm Holme Reading Room Isabel Fidler, Manning Loggia, Manning House Webster Lecture Theatre Sydney Uni’s End of Semester SUDS presents: Madrigal Society 10th A Flea In Her Ear Year Anniversary Concert 8pm, 21- 24 October Tuesday 27 October, 7:30pm The Cellar, Holme Building Refectory, Holme Building Raymonde thinks Victor is cheating (Featuring Instrumentalists from the on her. Victor thinks he has a secret Australian Baroque Brass, The Sydney admirer. Lucienne tries to catch Victor Conservatorium Early Music Ensemble, cheating on Raymonde. Lucienne's and The Madrigal Alumni Choir, Barefoot Musica Antigua, The Pocket Score husband thinks she's cheating on Company, and The Madrigal Society - we will present a plethora of ancient music him with Victor, and is a gun-toting in a massive birthday extravaganza, ﬁt for a high camp renaissance king. Spaniard. Camille is boning the cook, and using Victor's name at a seedy hotel, but has a cleft palate so SENATE ELECTIONS USU Past President up for Uni Senate seat no-one understands him. Ruchir Punjabi, USU’s Immediate Past President, is out to “protect the student experience” as he vies for a spot on the Uni Senate. See how he plans Confused? Sydney Uni Drama to represent your interests at www.usuonline.com > About USU > News. Society presents one hilarious French farce full of double entendre. 16 PAGE 016 THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 Sunset Jazz “Eden of the East” + RANDOM. Manning The Decks Weekend Warm-Up 5-8pm 4-6pm 4-6pm Hermann’s Bar Movers & Shakers AGM Manning Balcony Manning Balcony 1-2pm Live jazz from the Jazz Society. Isabel Fidler Relax on the Balcony Weekend…sooo..clooose! Manning Trivia SUWIE EGM Hermann’s Trivia Arts Advanced Student’s 5-6pm 1-2pm 5-6pm Club IGM Manning Balcony PNR Drawing Ofﬁce Hermann’s Bar 4-5pm Holme Common Room Impress with your mighty mind. If in doubt, write something silly. MUGS AGM SUMS Choir Rehearsal 1-2pm StuccoSoc Pot Luck Madrigal Soc AGM / Party Purcell Room, Mechanical 5-6.30pm 6.30-9.30pm Dinner Engineering Barnard Eldershaw, Manning Bosch 1A, Theatre 4 6-9pm Stucco, Newtown Liberal Club GM For the upcoming 51st Carolfest. French Conversation Groups Celebrate the creation of 5.30-6.30pm MADSOC Minor Showcase 1-2pm Stuccosoc, the one and only co- Holme Meeting Room 1 7pm-12am Manning Backcourt operative society! Manning Bar Sailing@Sydney AGM Tu as besoin d’un peu de pratique Law Revue Society AGM 6-9pm A showcase of works en francais? 6.30-8.30pm Mandlebaum House choreographed and performed by Holme Reading Room members of MADSOC - putting IYF Academy their new-found (or more developed) The Amity Afﬂiction 2pm - 4pm Hillsong Campus AGM 7-11pm skills to performance, and Holme Reading Room celebrating the end of semester! 7-8.30pm Manning Bar Dance, Korean language and Bible SU Village Access: $14.50 + bf, General Project 52 study. $17+bf. Lic/AA 8:30-10:30 pm International House Hermann’s Bar BricSoc AGM Residents Society IGM 2-3pm 9-10am Ha ha ha, and so on and so forth. Manning International House SATURDAY 31 OCTOBER Gaius Gracchus Election THURSDAY 2-3pm FRIDAY 30 OCTOBER Cumberland 30th 29 OCTOBER Loggia, Manning House Anniversary Celebrations International Business Society AGM International Law Students 11am-4pm Weekly Dharma Talks 4-5pm Society IGM Faculty of Health Sciences 745 East 12-1pm Street, Lidcombe Merewether SR6 10.30-11.30am Holme Meeting Room 1 International House To celebrate our 30th anniversary, Busshist learning. Foundation Program please join us for an educational Society IGM TED Talks Screening and fun-ﬁlled day that will give you Vegesoc Lunch 4-5.30pm 1-3pm the chance to explore the Health Law Building Front Lawn Margaret Telfer Sciences campus. 12-2pm Engineering Lawns Club Kooky Psyche AGM Teochew Society AGM 4-6pm 2-4pm 9pm-3am FLAIRsoc AGM Loggia, Manning House Isabel Fidler, Manning Hermann’s Bar 12pm Hermann’s Bar $12 entry - at the door only. 18+ SUASA AGM DOTA Society AGM Weekly Anime Film 5-6.30pm 3-4.30pm Screenings Holme Reading Room Holme Meeting Room 1 1-2pm Architecture Lecture Theatre 3 International Purple Sneakers Student Lounge NYE House Party 18+ Ofﬁcial Opening Thursday 31 December, 8pm 1pm, Tuesday 27 October 1pm, Tuesday 27 October Manning House Head up to the new International Student Lounge on level 4 of Last year’s SELL-OUT New Year’s Wentworth for the Ofﬁcial Launch! Bash is BACK to rock all 3 levels of Featuring cultural C&S stalls, a talk Manning into 2010! from Deputy Vice-Chancellor Prof The Grates | The Boxer Rebellion Derrick Armstrong, and other great Ponytail | Baddies | Red Riders services on display! THE BOXER REBELLION U K Philadelphia Grand Jury | Oz PONYTAIL BADDIES U S U and many more RED RIDERS PHILADELPHIA GRAND JURY Dz A K HUGE SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT OF DJS & DANCE ACTS COMING SOON!! Tickets on sale now! Go to www.manningbar.com > Tickets THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 PAGE 17 PAGE 017 A FAREWELL TO REGULARITY DR. NASTY Dear Dr. Nasty, Dear Bull, There is only one class of criminal that I will I’ll miss you next year when The Bull goes This will be my ﬁnal letter from Sprogging Downs, leave unmolested, and that is the maker of monthly. Where will I get my smutty sex as I have decided to pursue a full-time career in beautiful moonshine. If I happen across a advice then?! vigilantism. My father calls it the easy way out, but clearly he’s never had to hit an ice-head gentle soul who spends his days naughtily Nasty Girl in the testicles with a rubber bullet from 100 stilling liquor from his corn-squeezin’s, yards. Ironically, he has been hit in the groin by well I shall bid him good day and keep on police projectiles on no less than 17 occasions, walking. Maybe I’ll set down a spell, sample Dear Nasty Girl, some of which were due to methamphetamine, some of his product, shoot the breeze. But after Ja, ja, it is true – Dr Nasty will no longer be and the others his dalliances with the autistic, that, I’ll get up, set his dog on ﬁre, and walk on disgr(ac)ing the pages of the new Bull in nymphomaniac daughter of a clergyman. down the road. 2010. It has been a wild ride, my child. 2009 Also, a lot of people seem to think that being I don’t expect you to understand my choices, saw me getting fucked in so many ways – a full-time enforcer of mob law won’t pay the Bull. But frankly I don’t have to explain myself to in secret by John Della Bosca, in a public rent. I disagree. Being the arbiter of right and you city-softened, ﬂambé-fancying pansies, so toilet by George Michael, in the arse by the wrong affords a person the opportunity to steer you can all go shit an armadillo and die for what Honi elections. I hope that my sage advice the law in new and advantageous directions. I I care. has helped many in their journey to sexual anticipate, for instance, being able to eat out enlightenment. I wish I could tell you that next I hope you languish for eternity in the cheesey, year there will be a similar column for you at fancy restaurants and attend the theatre and smegmatic hell you deserve. eager punters, but what with The Bull going concert halls as much as I please. As payment for these things, I will refrain from leaving pipe all monthly and serious like a menstruating Hugs and kisses, bombs in the cars of the proprietors. One hand fraulein, and Honi Soit being run by people blows up the other. who apparently get off on Lego and hats, I fear that there will be a gaping hole (heh) on campus for a feculently feckless, slightly demented and utterly perverse sex writer Anyway, so me and Watto thought we’d just go such as myself, to educate the masses about A LETTER FROM DEE WHAT and buy one. We both have credit cards (the what goes where and for how long. suckers at the bank gave us both $20,000 limits) so we hoped they’d split the bill for the deposit. So what does the future hold for little Ivanka? We were looking round the beaches, coz I’m not Dahlink, Dr Nasty is moving to America, moving more than a couple of blocks from home. where the ﬂavours of condoms (and men Watto feels the same, so thank God we live next to to ﬁll them) are more varied and delicious each other. There were a couple of apartments and than here in vanilla sex Australia. They say shit in what my parents thought were in our ‘price everything’s bigger in Texas – my child, it range’. Watto found the real deal though: a three- is so, so true. The foot long subways are storey, six-bedroom mansion on the top of the hill. absolutely mouth-watering (the sandwiches North-facing aspect, an elevator, swimming pool, aren’t bad either). sauna, pool and ping-pong tables included; all the bells and whistles. I will begin my sojourn in New York – a city Hey Bull, where it’s socially acceptable for an elderly, I never once read a word of this entire year’s We went to the auction with no real idea of what neurotic Jewish ﬁlmmaker to marry his young publication, because you guys mustn’t have sort of price we were looking at. When eight million Korean adopted daughter; whose island is recorded my address properly when I sent in got touted as the starting bid, we almost fell over. shaped like a massive phallus and where my subscription form. Accordingly, I want my 65 What a bargain! We ended up getting it for 11 mil, an entire suburb is referred to as the ‘Meat bucks back, you scamming weasels. not bad considering how rockin’ this pad is. Packing District’. Otherwise, I thought I’d tell you a little story about the As soon as my parents found out we’d signed that Now that sounds like my kind of place. other day when I decided to buy a house. I’m 24 these shit over (I’d ﬂogged their credit card just in cast forty grand wouldn’t cut it) they kicked me out of Yours offensively, smuttily, outrageously and days, though my curly blonde hair tends to lead to the house for three days. Dad sold the construction eternally, people underestimating my age. I live at home, which is heaps mad, but it would probably lead to a little bit business for some reason, and mum now works at Dr. Nasty of awkwardness when I ﬁnally land that elusive ﬁshy. the café with me. We’re closer as a family than ever. Obviously my sexual prowess (so far untested) would Give me my 65 back you cunts, deprive my parents of hours of sleep, which, by the look of ‘em, they desperately need. Darrell Darrellson DR NASTY and unworn black sweaters, and decided to try friends think I’ve sold out!). I’ve enrolled in an MBA, A LETTER and ﬁnd the ultimate lifestyle to subvert. bought a suit, and am looking for a house around FROM SURRY HILLS My travels ﬁrst took me to the hamlet of Sprogging Castle Hill. Now I just need a wife and kids. And a job. Downs – what could be more worthy of subversion Dear Bull, than boganism? But then I realised it was all too I offered the players in my experimental theatre You won’t believe how creative I have been lately. obvious – the residents’ habits of incest, heavy company those roles, but none of them wanted You see, I ﬁgured that my experimental theatre drug use, and creative violence were simply a to venture west of Leichhardt. What a lack of company was not going far enough – we were mirror of my own urban decadence. Clearly they commitment to their art. But no matter – I’m going doing a production of Oedipus Rex in drag, and are all people like me from some time ago, who to do something even more subversive and cruise thought they could try performing a role by moving Westﬁelds for a bride. whilst it was all very subversive and all I wanted to do something different. to the country but then ended up their old selves Ta-Ta (or ‘Oooo-Rooo’ as I believe they say in again. these parts), So I decided to work out what the ultimate act of subversion would be. And it was clear – I needed So now, I have taken a route that could never Phillipe to start performing the role of the bourgeoisie. So be mistaken for anything but utter middle class Maximillian-Smith an-Smith I sold my remaining cocaine, VHS tapes, hair dolls dreariness (yes, it is so subversive that even my PAGE 18 TICKETS FOR ALL SHOWS NOW AVAILABLE FROM www.manningbar.com and The ACCESS Centre, Level 2, Manning House, Manning Road, The University of Sydney T. 02 9563 6000 THE STAIRWAY TO HELL TOUR FEAT. 7PM FRI THE AMITY AFFLICTION 30 OCT LIC/AA + WE ARE THE OCEAN (UK) + HOPELESS USU Members* $14.50 + bf Regular $17 + bf 8PM SAT THE BAKERY 7 NOV JUNGLE EXTRAVAGANZA 18+ USU Members* $12.75 + bf Regular $15 + bf 6PM FRI 50 LIONS 13 NOV + TRAPPED UNDER ICE (USA) 18+ + WORD UP+ PERSIST + HAD IT USU Members* $19 + bf Regular $22 + bf 7PM THU MEST (USA) 14 NOV + SLEEPERS + TONIGHT ALIVE LIC/AA + LIGHTS OUT USU Members* $27.50 + bf Regular $32 + bf COMING UP... NOV 20 – OBITUARY (USA) // NOV 21 – LIGHTNING BOLT (USA) + PRIMITIVE CALCULATORS + GREY DATURAS + NAKED ON THE VAGUE //NOV 28 – DNBBQ FEAT. JACKY MURDA (CHOPSTICK DUBPLATE) (USA) + ATLANTIC CONNECTIONS (WESTBAY MUSIC, SOUL:R, CREATIVE SOURCE) (USA) + INNA RIDDIM + VICTIM + FOREIGNDUB + SWEET AZ SOUNDSYSTEM + SELTAY + FLAVA DAVE + DJ ABILITY + FREEDOM SOUNDS + B.HOPPS // DEC 5 – MONO (JAPAN) + LAURA // DEC 10 – KITTY, DAISY & LEWIS (UK) // DEC 12 – NOCHE DE FUEGO // DEC 13 – HEAVY TRASH (USA) // DEC 19 – DOPE (USA) & SOIL (USA) + OUR LAST ENEMY // DEC 21 – BRUTAL TRUTH (USA) + BLOOD DUSTER + CAPTAIN CLEANOFF + EBOLIE + BEYOND TERROR BEYOND GRACE // DEC 31 – PURPLE SNEAKERS NYE HOUSE PARTY FEAT THE GRATES, THE BOXER REBELLION (UK), PONYTAIL (USA), BADDIES (UK) & MANY MORE // DEC 31 – PURPLE SNEAKERS NYE HOUSE PARTY FEAT THE GRATES, THE BOXER REBELLION (UK), PONYTAIL (USA), BADDIES (UK) & MANY MORE // JAN 7 – CHAIRLIFT (USA) + THE PHENOMENAL HANDCLAP BAND (USA) //JAN 17 – BOYS OF SUMMER 2010 FEAT. EVERYTIME I DIE (USA), 50 LIONS, TRAP THEM, MARY JANE KELLY Booking fee applies to all presale tickets. Presale tickets will always be cheaper than doorsales. All events are 18+ unless noted as All Ages. Management reserves the right to refuse entry. SATURDAY 31 OCTOBER, 9PM FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER, 8PM CLUB KOOKY THAT’S THEM (“STAY UP” ALBUM LAUNCH) LIVE: THE MUMPS + RAINMAN (QLD) + SWARMY SHOW: SEX & GLITTA + JUSTIN SHOULDER HOSTED BY SCOTT BURNS DJ’S: GEMMA & SEYMOUR BUTZ DJ’S: PSYKEONE, BUTCHER & MORE THURSDAY 5 NOVEMBER, 8PM SATURDAY 7 NOVEMBER, 8PM THE PREHISTORICS NJE “APPETISER (THE ENTRÉE)” LAUNCH + PHILOSOPHIZE + UNTAYMABLE + SCEPTIC & DSEEVA + HELL CRAB CITY + MOTHER MARS FEAT. DJ SKAE + BEAT THEORY COLLECTIVE CREW + THE HELLVES + J. WATERS FEAT MISSTORRI + BLASÉ + CFOE THE BULL Edition 26, Week 13 Semester 2. 26 October – 1 November 2009 Unive rsity of Sydn ey Unio nM embe rship 09 000 000 001 234 5 Ran dy Har per Just $99 bucks and the Heaps of benefits both BUY NOW!!! savings keep Go to www. coming. on and off campus... accessbenefits. com.au
"Extraterrestrials in the Quad_"