Basic Human Needs - PowerPoint

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					   Relationships


         Bernadeta Cansdell


Momentum in Relationships
Relationship - Communication
 “Once a human being has arrived on this
  earth, communication is the largest single
  factor determining what kinds of
  relationship he/she makes with others and
  what happens to him/her in the world about
  him/her”
Virginia Satir
Overview
   Sexuality is what brings us together yet at the same time tears us
    apart with 52-4% of marriages ending in divorce.
   We now know that men and women process information
    differently formulating different perceptions and
    behaviours. However, we have difficulty in our
    acceptance of this and eventually causing both sexes,
    frustration, misunderstanding, anger and blame
   Both men and women report the cause of their marital
    breakdown with consistent differences in that there is a
    view of two versions of any one marriage ( His and Hers)
    (cited in Wolcott & Hughes 1999)

   Spouses define certain behaviours as problems only when
    they have already given up on their marriages and are
    about to break up anyway ( Amato & Rogers 1996:13)
Marital problems perceived
by Men and Women - cause of divorce
     Poor communication,
     Basic unhappiness
     Loss of love and incompatibility
     Infidelity
     mental or emotional problems
     Conflict over men and women’s roles
     Spouses personality traits
     (Burns 1984 Cleek& Pearson 1985; Gigy & Kelly 1992; Noller et al 1997 Wolcott 1992 –cited in
      Wolcott & Hughes 1999)

     Communication, sex,money, Infidelity,values, resentment
      and anger
(Toby Green 2007)
Marriage breakdowns
   Communication problems was the most commonly cited
    cause - Loss of love, trust and changed values with
    lifestyles demands:
   “There was a lack of love we grew apart emotionally”
   “We had completely different ideas on our way of life and
    the way we lived”
   “We changed differently and grew separately”
   “Just two people growing apart”
   Only 2% of men and women specifically mentioned
    sexual incompatibility for the main reason for divorce
    (Wolcott & Hughes 1999)
    A relationship is a dance
   A Relationship is not one controlling the other to
    what they can, be, do or say it can be viewed as a
    dance so if you change what you are doing - it is
    more likely that they are not able to respond as
    before
   Remember if you think “ if only the other person
    would change then everything would be fine – you
    can be sure that the other person thinks the same
    of you”
All about you
   Who you are speaks louder than anything
    you say

   What are you projecting?

   Ask yourself -What is it like to be with me
    – would you be with you- would you
    marry you?
How do we evaluate our partners
   What made you realize that your partner
    was the one was it the look, your heart
    pounding, the feeling, the sound or smell

   we measure by one or all, through sight,
    hearing and feeling or Internal dialogue
    (assessment)
How do we Communicate?
   Language 7% - words, ( more likely to remember
    metaphors signs or symbols and story line)
   Body Language 55% ( it‟s the look, the stand)
   Tonality 38% ( its‟ not what you say it‟s how you say it)
Eg- different ways men and women use tonality - discuss
(University of Pensylvania 1970 Kinesics and communication R. Birdwhistle)

 15-45 seconds to build rapport be respectful
 Remember every “action” is a form or
  communication ( even no action is a form of
  communication)
Left and Right Brain Functions
                        Right side
                         Intuitive
                        spontaneous
                        Thinks in visual
                        Feelings
                        Holistic

                        Left Side Verbal
                         logical
                        Analytical
                        Thinks in words
                        facts
Who is important?
   For most, sexual and intimate relationship gives us
    the greatest pleasure and can give us the greatest
    pain. Influence by biology, instinct, beliefs,
    values, attitudes social and cultural upbringing
    added with your partners influences of biology,
    instinct, social and cultural upbringing……….
   In most cases we only think of how we can fulfill
    our own needs.
   What are the chances of two people coming
    together both with unscathed pasts???
What do we fear?
   The fear of being alone is worse than the
    state of being alone


   “We are trained to believe that we
    are insufficient”
For women
   They are looking for someone to sweep them
    away “: Prince Charming –
   This Sweeps you away from you - this is not
    reality – “Remember you are not for sale”
   It is important first to fill yourself up with who
    you are for you to distinguish dreams from
    reality develop a circle of love for yourself first
Romantic Love
   “Romantic Love is just an illusion
   Love is what you cultivate
   Nothing is random
   illusion is who you think that person is – parts of
    yourself what you are projecting – Areas that you
    are looking for
   Self esteem
   Self love
   Security Gary Zurka
Fall in Love
   First fall in love with yourself
   What is it like to be with yourself
   “What is one thing about yourself that you
    like?”

“Turn to the person next to you and tell them
  what you like about yourself. ”
When women are dating they
need to ask good questions
   Most women are afraid to ask good questions as
    they are in the comfort zone
   Ask -What are your fun qualities.
   What are the biggest commitments you have
    made.
   What strikes you about me
   What are you looking for in a woman
   What are your successes
   Remember 80% of all questions are statements in
    disguise
Exercise
   Break into groups of two and talk to each
    other as if you on your first date –
   What is the outcome?

   1.“Treat your client like with a first date
    mentality” (Bruce Sullivan)
   2 Fact of life -it is the outcome not time
    and effort.
Deep love strategy

   Do you remember when you were deeply in love
   How do you know that you are deeply in love
   Imagine that you are deeply in love\
    What is the strategy for you to do a good job
    Most people hallucinate what each other want
   Set up rules
Postnatal
Role/hormone changes?
   Many aspects have been debated but which one is
    right?
   There are many aspects hormones, our beliefs,
    roles changes, communication traits, social
    demands, cultural, financial pressure.
   Role impact has a big part of how you bring
    up your child. How were you brought up in
    comparison to your partner “conflict arises”
Marriage – for some
   When you were married what did you expect from your
    spouse to do to fulfil your relationship.
   What did you want/need? What did he want?
   How did you communicate this
   Whose needs were being met in this relationship?
    Physical touch – withdrawal is to stay away from the
    pain – rejected unwanted unloved
   How do I consciously express my love to my spouse
   What does your spouse do or fails to do that hurts you
    most deeply No love – empty- ness
The Wedding
   Most women approx 90% start to feel
    depressed or have some doubt within one
    year after the wedding.
   How much time are you spending in your
    relationship now in comparison to
    preparing for the wedding?
“Keeping the
excitement”
Men and Women
   Men are motivated and empowered when they
    feel needed
   Women are motivated and empowered when they
    are cherished
   “Not to be needed is a slow death for a man"
   It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when
    she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels
    like a failure.
   Men and women use the same language but with
    different meanings. (What is love for men is different
    for women)
Women
   A woman’s brain is wired up for emotion
    and when she feels warm, wanted and
    adored she is an attachment stage she is in
    love.
   A man confuses lust and infatuation with
    love and only after many years recognises
    that he was in love ( p 263 Brain sex Anne Moir)
   For men Love is “ SEX”
What does your spouse do or
fail to do that hurts you most deeply?

“Resolving conflict by finding out the origins of the
conflict, identifying the dependencies, and letting go of
the past, addressing childhood issues… re-discovering a
relationship that is about wanting to be together but not
needing to be together” (Toby Green Relationship Consultant)

No love – emptiness
Love Language                  (Gary Chapman)

 Words of Affirmation
 Quality Time
 Receiving Gifts (its often the little things that count)
 Acts of Service
 Physical touch
 “Ask yourself how do I consciously express my
  love to my spouse”
“What is your love language?”
     Focus on Primary Love
   Once you focus on primary love – hate and anger is
    abated positive increases while negative – reduces

   If you feel loved then sexual intimacy increases

   If you do not feel loved you are likely to feel used within
    the sexual context

   This is why loving someone who is not loving you is
    extremely difficult.
    Past Incidents
 The brightest future will always be based on a
  forgotten past, you can‟t proceed well in life until
  you let go of your past failures and heartaches
  Women are often bringing up past events ,they keep
  a wonderful diary or memory of all the things that
  men did wrong- the adrenaline hit)
 “Keep a praise diary”
 Your enjoyment of life has every to do with being
               “in the moment”
      Sexuality for women
    For women - Sex is emotional
    Women’s sex drive is affected by events in
     their lives eg menstruation, pregnancy, menopause
    The love centre needs to be activated before
     her sex centre.
    Women want – attention, praise, caress, pamper, massage,
     touched,empathise, serenade compliment, support, ignore fat
     bits, feed, soothe, tantalise humour, stimulate, charm,
     romantic books, movies, be worshiped, idolise, spoil.hug,
     excite, talk, chocolate……………..
    A relationship is a dance
   We marry our unconscious mind ( Carl Jung)
   A Relationship is not one controlling the other to
    what they can be do or say it can be viewed as a
    dance so if you change what you are doing it is
    more likely that they are not able to respond the
    same as before
   Remember if you think “ if only the other person
    would change then everything would be fine – you
    can be sure that the other person thinks the same
    of you”
Think about
   What type of person are you now or becoming –
    in your relationship, your job, or your
    community? What is the influence of the people
    around you that has an affect on you + or –
   How did you say
   “Good Morning” to your partner when you
    woke up within the first FOUR minutes predicts
    the rest of the day
Think about ?
   When you were dating what convinced you that he/she
    really loved you what made him/her different?
   What are you doing to show that you love your
    partner ? (both sides)
   Remember “criticism” is a plea for love
   Pattern: Complaining & criticizing  contempt 
    defensiveness  listener withdrawal (Gottman (1994:110)
   Character assassination predicts the demise of a marriage above
    everything else.
   Ask yourself how is your relationship working out, write a list
    and do something different !
   If you want different - do different
     Self Sacrifice - it is a choice
   This area is one of the biggest areas in that we expect
    a reward of what we did for you “ but I gave up so
    much for you” „or”I gave you the best years of
    my life for you”and they say “but its not want I
    wanted/ needed” Who’s choice was it to self
    sacrifice?
   What are the messages that we send out to our
    partner or children?
    Stop and think of what you are saying
   Remember
   “Words create powerful images”
        Words create powerful images
        Words create powerful images

     (word exercise)
In conclusion – “Remember”
   There is no benefit to blame others for interpersonal
    situations that are uncomfortable for you - be 100%
    responsible for your communication and take care of
    your own life.
   “If you always do what you always done, you‟ll always
    get what you always got” - If you change - people will
    change automatically around you.
   Listen to what you are saying
   How are you going to say good morning?
Remember
   Keep your thoughts positive because your
    thoughts become your words
   Keep your words positive because your word
    become your actions
   Keep your actions positive because your actions
    become your habits
   Keep your habits positive because your habits
    become your values
   Keep your values positive because your values
    becomes your destiny
    Mahatma Gandhi
References
   Evans Patricia 1996 The verbally Abusive relationship
   Bolton Robert “People Skills”
   Daniel Goleman 1995 “ Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ”
   Lillian Glass “She says He says”
   Jeffers Susan ” Feel the fear and do it anyway”
   Moir Anne and Jessel David “ Brain Sex” Mandarin paperback London
   Segal’s Jeanne 1997.
   Allan and Barbara Pease “ Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps”
   Deborah Tannen “You Just don’t understand”
   Deborah Tannen “ I heard what you didn’t say” 2001
   Willard.F. Harley. Jr 2002 “The one A field guide to relationships that last”
   Wolcott Hene & Hughes Jody 1999 Towards understanding the reasons for divorce
   http;//www.aifs.gov.au/institute/pubs/WP20.html
   Gary Zuka

				
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