MagicalMetaphors

Magical Communication Metaphors By Peter Murphy All rights reserved. You cannot give this report away free or sell it. You do not have resale rights to this report. This report may not be reproduced in any format without the expressed written permission of Peter Murphy. All violators will be prosecuted. While attempts have been made to verify information contained in this publication, neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, omissions, interpretation or usage of the subject matter herein. This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author and is intended for informational purposes only. The author and publisher shall in no event be held liable for any loss or other damages incurred from the usage of this publication. Use this information at your own risk. (C) Copyright 2003 by Peter Murphy Peter@workwealth.com Table of Contents 03 Introduction 04 Lady Twilight and The Mystic Twins 05 The Mirror Man 06 Small Steps and Golden Stones 08 Where You Want to Be 10 Future Self in The Magic Cave of Maro 11 Cats, Dogs and Telephones 13 Blue Boxes and Big Arguments 14 There is Always Only One 16 Talk to Me About You 17 The TV Within 19 Mismatching by The Pool 20 Lady Twilight Dives Deeper into Approval Introduction One of the simplest yet rarely used advanced communication technique is story telling. Everyone loves to hear a good story and good storytellers always enjoy the complete attention of those listening to their every word as the story unfolds. In How to Communicate with Unstoppable Confidence in 20 Days or Less we covered the importance of learning to use metaphors as a solution for misunderstandings. Well, metaphors are a special kind of story telling where we tell the story without directly pointing out the obvious, where we allow the listener to discover the hidden message on their own. For example to explain the ups and downs of the stock market you might tell a story about the incoming tide washing debris onto the beaches and the outgoing tide leaving the beach bare. With a metaphor this would suffice to explain the principle without then explaining in detail how to chart stock market highs and lows. In this special report I have for the first time compiled some of my favorite metaphors. I wrote each one to teach communication skills principles so not only will you see even more examples of well constructed metaphors you will also learn some new material you can take away and apply today in your life. In the material you are about to read I do spell out what the metaphor means so you can start to understand how to create your own metaphors. However in real life situations it is advisable to let the listeners connect the dots for themselves. That way the metaphor will have a far more powerful effect on them. I also give you guidelines for putting the principles into action right away. One final point. Notice how I create sensory rich stories that appeal to all the senses. Populate your metaphors with visual, auditory and feeling based words to really grab peoples attention and to create vivid word pictures that cause everyone listening to listen attentively to what you say. Have fun and learn lots! Peter@workwealth.com Peter Murphy Lady Twilight And The Mystic Twins Lady Twilight walked through the forest, quickly. Then as she approached the clearing at the top of the hill she began to feel tense and a little nervous. She stopped for a moment to catch her breath as she looked back down the trail she had just walked along. Everything was still, and there was hardly a sound to be heard except for one woodpecker in the distance, stubbornly pecking away without any concern for the world around him. Then she realized something for the very first time. She always felt nervous in this place, and not because of this place but because of where it took her - to the weekly gathering at the hilltop. Twilight really enjoyed meeting the forest people; only each time she visited there always seemed to be even more of them. Friends and travelers were forever popping by to stay for a day or a week. There were always strangers to meet. She did not like meeting strangers, that nervous feeling just got worse and she did not know what to say to these friendly people from outside her world. And one thing bothered here the most, those times when she got embarrassed and blushed redder than the sun setting over the hill itself. Twilight sat there feeling tense, looking at the trees and hearing only that lonely woodpecker somewhere in the distance tapping away. Then the strangest thing happened. She thought for a moment that she heard a word echo through the valley, a word formed from the tapping of the bird. Then she heard a string of words and this is what they said - *blush first so that you do not need to blush* She hurried along so as not to be late and before long she was in the clearing happily talking away to her friends. When all of a sudden one of the elders asked her if she had met the mystic twins yet. Feeling nervous Twilight admitted that she had not. He returned a few minutes later with the mystic twins, two tall and fierce creatures, one named blusher the other named barrassment, who nevertheless were kind and gentle among friends. Just then, Twilight remembered the message of the woodpecker ”blush first so that you do not need to blush!” Although it seemed silly, she tried with all her might to feel embarrassed and to blush redder than she had ever done before now. No matter how hard she tried she just could not seem to blush, not even a little bit. She even enjoyed meeting the mystic twins. Many years later Lady Twilight met me one evening in the clearing at the hilltop and she told me what I have told you today. And she told me how it works. Lady Twilight employs the principle of paradoxical intention to take charge of her feelings of embarrassment when she meets new people. That means that she consciously tries to produce an unwanted feeling in her body before her unconscious does it first. Ironically that can block the unpleasant feeling happening at all. Blushing is an automatic process, when we try to blush we can seldom do it because it is a function of our unconscious mind. Try to feel stressed, try to feel nervous or try to feel embarrassed and you will be hard pressed to produce the feelings. The Mirror Man Lady Twilight felt angry. It was one of those days when she was doing her best to be nice to everyone but nobody was being nice to her. What if people could be friendlier she thought to herself as she wandered through the open-air market. It was a warm, sunny day so there was no use blaming the weather. In that case it must mean that people just do not like me, she decided. The chatter of voices was all around while she sat at a table by the side of the shopping crowd. She sipped a glass of green juice and felt very alone despite all the shoppers rushing about the street. Just then she spotted a young man and the newspaper headline on his paper... Lead And They Will Follow. Twilight finished her drink and wandered along the street, feeling heavy, tired and still a little angry at this world full of unfriendly people. She turned to the left and walked right past the mirror man, he was there every week selling mirrors of all shapes and sizes. He was singing away to himself until he spotted Twilight, then the sparkle left his eyes and his face froze into a stern harsh expression. She glared at him and out of the corner of her eye she caught her reflection in a mirror. She looked so angry and so bad tempered that she even surprised herself. So shocked was she by her look of rage that she burst out laughing. The mirror man started laughing too and the two of them laughed until it hurt. With a sore belly, Twilight bade farewell to her friend and skipped along through the market with an inner happiness and a smile for everyone she met. Something weird happened though. At this end of the market everyone wanted to talk to her, and most people seemed pleased to see her. People went out of their way to help her and it was a pleasure dealing with these nice people up this end of the street. She walked past a newsstand and there was that headline again... Lead And They Will Follow. Something clicked - so that is how it works. Smile and people will smile back, give first and then you will receive. The world is like a mirror and people reflect back to you what you give out. Although not everyone will be nice back the odds certainly are in your favor if you take the risk and give first. Lead and let others follow your example. People want to be liked, let them know that you like them and they will feel safer with you and the quality of communication will improve dramatically. Lady Twilight smiled and the world smiled back. Small Steps And Golden Stones It was a long walk but someone had to do it. And today it was up to Tori to carry the water from the river, through the fields and across the valley, back to the camp. He set out early before sunrise so that he could do his work before the heat of the day became too much. Very soon he was standing by the side of the river. He knelt down and cupped the flowing water into his hands. It felt great. So refreshing, cool and alive as it flowed through his outstretched hands. He drank some of the revitalizing waters before filling the two large urns with this clear, fresh water. Holding one urn to his chest with each hand, Tori started the long walk back to the distant camp. Even though the sun was now rising he could still not even make out the outline of the tents. They were there somewhere on the other side of these fields, and across the wooded valley. He walked on, taking care to stay clear of the high grass that tried to brush against him as he made his way along the path through the field. He also took care to keep his balance as he walked along the dirt track otherwise he would spill water all along his route. Tori walked quickly and before long, even before he noticed, he was on the outskirts of the camp. The sun was a golden orange as he stopped to rest. He put the urns down on the ground and at that moment Kuma, the old wise man of the village, walked out to greet him. Kuma had a smile on his old face as he looked down at the dew drenched trousers worn by Tori. He giggled as he waved his walking stick in the air and explained to the confused Tori why he was laughing so hard. Here is what he said: “when you focus on what you want to avoid those little monsters grow even bigger, and faster than you expect. Instead put your attention only on what you want and where you want to go! Today as you walked through the field you wanted to avoid getting wet and hot. Nor did you want to lose any water from those two full urns. But you got soaked by the wet grass and you slipped from time to time on the damp track and lost a little water each time. And all the worry made you sweat. If instead you had paid attention to what you wanted - to be cool and dry as you carried the urns you might have noticed the other pathway through the field. The one in the shadow of the forest. You can walk along that trail of perfectly level golden stones at anytime of the day without being bothered by the heat of the sun. One step and one golden stone at a time would have brought you home very dry indeed with two urns full to the brim.” And so it is for us all. Know what you want and you just might get it otherwise you are doomed to get what you worry about - that which you do not want. The best communicators and the most persuasive presenters know exactly what they want to say and how they want to impact their audience. If they want you to laugh they tell a good joke, if they want you to listen up they might speak more softly or even pause and use silence to capture your attention. And if they want to feel relaxed and confident for a big event they prepare diligently in advance of the big day. Be highly specific about your intentions and you will find the steps to take you where you want to go. Your steps to success are out there - go find your gold. Where You Want To Be Barry was on the phone in his office, speaking with confidence, energy and passion. In his office were a number of removal men working quickly moving furniture out the door to the van parked outside. Before long the office was bare except for some old files, a cracked picture frame and a parched plant. Just then a tall man in a dark suit entered the building with a swagger. He found Barry still on the phone, standing in a corner of the empty office. His voice echoed around the empty room as he finished his conversation and hung up and placed the phone back on the floor. Barry reached into his pocket to find his keys; he selected the car key and reluctantly handed it over. The man in the suit grabbed it before walking outside and driving off at high speed in the car. John walked in to see Barry just as all of this was happening. He was surprised at how relaxed and confident Barry was given the circumstances. You see, Barry had just lost his business and the removal men had arrived to repossess his furniture while the car leasing company had taken back the Rolls Royce because the payments had fallen into arrears. John was here for the same reason - to collect an unpaid debt. Although it was clear now that there was little chance of getting any money. So John and Barry did a deal. If Barry would teach him how he could be so cool in the face of pressure than the debt would be regarded as paid. This is what Barry said to him: ”The big secret in life is to train your mind to think only about what you want to happen and to keep your thoughts off of what you do not want. Despite the fact that I have just lost my business, my car, and my office I just got off the phone, before it gets disconnected, after negotiating what could be one of my biggest deals ever. Always keep your mind picturing what you really want and THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU WANT TO BE and not where you are. Stress is what happens when you put your attention on the wrong things.” And now over to you! Most people live life in a trance without noticing the thoughts that are flying around inside their heads all day long. Spend more time each day spotting what you think about, you will likely find that you often run through all the things that could go wrong as well as seeing situations working out as being only o.k. Next, review a recent event where the pressure was on and you froze. How did you manage to put yourself in such an unresourceful state? What thoughts were going through your mind? More than likely you created big pictures in your mind of things going wrong. Get into the habit of expecting things to work out and you will find yourself picturing life running more smoothly. You will then feel more confident, people will respond to you differently and you will get better results. Before long you will see that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Expect more, do more and get more whether that be money, love, happiness or peace of mind. Expect the best. Future Self In The Magic Cave Of Maro The Moon was almost full when Grace set off on foot through the seaside village. She walked slowly for there was no hurry and her destination; the caves of Maro were only a short way up the coast. She looked down the coast and smiled to herself as she watched the moonlight playing on the waves and lighting up the shoreline with a brilliant shine that made everything so magical. It was a special night and she knew that better than anyone else. Before long Grace was standing at the entrance to the caves, she lit a pure white candle and with a rush of excitement she walked into the underground world where her special night was only beginning. Once inside she turned right and walked down the long passage that opened out into a vast room populated only by bats and the birds that flew in through a big opening in the high ceiling. Already the Moon was starting to peek in through the opening. Grace sat down in front of the two deep blue pools and waited. The candle flickered gently and before long the Moon had traveled far enough across the night sky to fill the cavern with its brilliant light. Grace shivered and feeling only a little apprehensive she began. First of all she gazed into the darkness of the pool on her left. Slowly she could make out her reflection and gradually the life she had lived began to be played out in the images in the deep, cold water. She watched and saw how she was and is, how she talks and walks, and how she interacts with other people. She proceeded to watch the images of her identity and took it all in. For the first time she noticed that so much of who she is, was on automatic and out of date. Maybe it made sense being shy, timid and fearful when she was a child. Now as a grown up she did not need to be that way any longer. The images in the pool faded away into the blackness and the pool bubbled furiously. Grace felt like a part of her had left to live somewhere else. A cold breeze touched her cheek. She turned her attention to the other pool, the one on the right. This pool had a different color to it, a rich blue, and it seemed warmer. The images were big, bright and really close as she watched the drama unfold. It was then that Grace realized that she was looking into her future. Her future identity was unfolding before her and she got to choose just how good she made it. She could see herself smiling and laughing, easily making conversation with all sorts of people and loving every minute of it. Grace felt at peace with all parts of herself as she watched a blue mist rise up from the pool and completely surround her. And she felt a loving warm glow inside. She stood up in the moonlit cave and could feel energy pulsing through her body. She felt energized yet absolutely relaxed and at peace. Grace knew that things would never again be the same. Over to you! Your identity is your personally created sense of self yet many of us neglect to decide WHO we really want to be. Take a moment now to daydream and to write down who you would like to become. And I am talking now about who you want to be rather than what you want to do or have. Describe how you would look and sound to an observer. Pay attention to how you would talk to other people. I like to use words like persuasive, charming, great listener, confident. Now, take time each day to picture your desired identity and go to work to create it by developing, one at a time, the missing skills you need to become your expanded self. Cats, Dogs And Telephones Karen stared at the wall and mumbled into the phone. Sitting in her office cubicle she felt tired with nothing other than the flickering fluorescent light there to brighten up her day. Another day, another round of people ringing her, and each time she is so supposed to be so friendly and so helpful. How unfair she thought to herself for she had become just another hamster in a cage. Walking home after work Karen walked past a pet store and spotted a puppy jumping about and wagging his tail, enthusiastically greeting everyone who walked by in front of his window. While in another cage sat a black kitten all curled up and staring at a blank wall. Karen walked on and made it home before the dark skies poured down on her. Later in the evening Lisa rang. Karen had not spoken to her for weeks and was full of energy and excitement as they spoke and laughed together about all that had been happening. They talked until late into the evening and afterwards Karen felt relaxed and only a little tired, all thoughts of work were far, far away. The next day, Karen dragged herself into the office and reluctantly made her way back to her cage. The phone started ringing almost immediately and another day at work had commenced. As she stared at the wall and listened to the phone in her hand she remembered the kitten in the pet store and realized that she was no different to that little ball of fur. Then as she recalled what the playful puppy looked like she had a breakthrough. If the kitten did what the puppy did then maybe the kitten would be livelier and happier – “look at the people not the wall!” The phone rang again and Karen decided to be a playful puppy for once in her life. She decided to look at the person not the wall, she imagined what the person looked like, how old they were, and where they were. Then she listened more closely to how the person spoke. Much to here surprise she spotted lots of nuances she had previously been completely unaware of. She found she could hear different accents, voice tones, volumes and pace. Suddenly talking on the phone had become fascinating. And not only that, Karen was full of energy and getting on better than ever with the people who phoned her. Being a playful puppy was fun and it meant she could do her job better than before and enjoy the work too. And now over to you! Speaking and listening on the telephone is sometimes hard work especially if you use the phone a lot. Instead of staring at a blank wall or into space you can use your imagination to create the image of that real person at the other end of the line. Pay more attention to how people speak and not just what they say and you will find phone talk has limitless possibilities for entertainment. Remember you are talking to a person not to a piece of plastic and a phone network. This awareness will help you to be friendlier and this will be reflected back to you from the person at the other end. Blue Boxes And Big Arguments Paul worked hard all morning stacking the boxes in the warehouse. He was careful to only move the blue boxes just like his boss had directed him. The warehouse was full of boxes. Green ones, blue ones, red ones and orange ones. And three quarters of these boxes were blue. It would take Paul most of the day to pick out the blue boxes from the rainbow of boxes stacked the length of the wall that led out to the car park. Once he was finished he could go home and enjoy the weekend, two days free of boxes. He was nearly finished by late afternoon when Josh, his boss pulled into the car park outside. Josh walked in and stared in disbelief at what Paul had done. Then the argument commenced. For almost ten minutes the two men shouted and screamed at each other. You see Josh wanted the boxes tidied up alright but not the blue ones. And he had made this clear to Paul who obviously had not listened to him. Meanwhile Paul was convinced that he had done exactly what he had been told to do - stack up only the blue boxes. This was not the first time they had had a misunderstanding. In fact it happened at least twice a week. The two men tired from arguing turned back to the boxes and worked together to get the job done properly before the warehouse shut for the weekend. Paul got home exhausted with very negative feelings towards boxes of all colors. Never again he promised himself, never again. There must be a solution to these constant misunderstandings. Later that night while watching a movie he got the answer to his problem. In the movie a flight was about to take off and the scene in the cockpit was a familiar one with the pilots checking everything before take off and confirming progress with one another before going onto the next step. Paul resolved to check and confirm in future before starting any new projects for his boss. Back at work on Monday Josh liked the idea and they joked about it each day - over and out. The best thing about it all was they started to work better together because they knew the other person was really listening - asking questions to check and confirm was a help not a hindrance. And now over to you! Like most people you may often assume what someone means when it would be worthwhile to check and confirm that you are on the same wavelength. Asking questions is a great way to show that you are paying attention to the other person. Allow yourself to have even greater rapport and greater clarity in your conversations. Consider where in your life you have misunderstandings and resolve to check and confirm your way back to consensus. There is always only one When I was a student I had a summer job working for a hardware store in London, England. For two months I worked with the other employees to turn an empty warehouse into a full stocked and ready for business retail outlet. There was a tremendous amount of work to be done and lots of overtime. This was great for me as I was saving up for another year at college. I remember the opening day. There was a line of people waiting outside for the doors to open and you could almost see the greed in their eyes as they waited impatiently to get their hands on the special offers. When we did open the store was very busy all day. And we were also visited by the men in suits. Executives from head office turned up and tried to look important and knowledgeable although they seemed to be careful to avoid doing any work. I decided to get a job like that one day. Although I did not want to. I was one of the staff selected to use the electric industrial saw that was used to cut customer timber down to size. I had been trained to use it and had practiced with it once or twice. I hated using it because it was dangerous - you even had to wear a protective mask when operating it. On the opening day I was working the saw and to my dismay there was a long line of people waiting to have wood cut to their specifications. There was no escape - I had to do it. As I stood there sweating I started cutting wood to the loud whirring noise of steel against laminated wood. And every time I finished a piece I could see that long line stretching away into infinity. I tried to work faster and faster. It was then that I started making mistakes and that made me feel even more stressed and so I started to sweat a little more. At this point one of the executives from head office wandered by, obviously passing the time by going for a walk around the store. I thought to myself it must be hard keeping yourself occupied all day if you have nothing to do. He spotted the growing crowd waiting with their measurements for my attention. And he came over to talk to me. I waited for some pointless directive about working more quickly. Instead he gave me excellent advice that I still remember and use today. Here is what he said: ”It does not matter how many people are standing waiting for you. You ALWAYS only have one customer - the one standing in front of you, the one you are dealing with. The rest can wait.” And you know what. That change in perspective worked wonders for me. I could not handle a crowd of people with demands but I could easily handle one - one at a time could even be fun. The rest of the day was easy all of a sudden and I almost enjoyed sawing all that wood. Think about your life. Think about when the pressure is on and you must deliver. It can be like pumping up a balloon - you try to do numerous things at once and the pressure builds and builds until you can hardly concentrate. Would it help if you took that project or activity and broke it down into manageable steps? What if you then took it one step at a time and gave your complete attention to only that step? For example, how about speaking to a crowd. Instead of speaking to all of the people, how about picking out the friendly faces and looking at each one in turn as if you are talking one to one? Give your complete attention to the one activity or task you are engaged in for the present moment and let the pressure deflate like a flat tire. Talk To Me About You Karl shut the door of his pick up truck taking care not to smudge the paintwork with his fingers. He straightened the red baseball cap that covered his bare head and made his way up the steps into the bar. He felt good. Work had gone well today, he had finished early as he usually did on a Friday, and he had gone for a swim in the ocean at a quite beach on the outskirts of Hyannis. He loved the way swimming made him feel so refreshed and healthy. And with the sun shining it was just a perfect day. Tonight should be fun he thought to himself as the music pumped out of the open bar door. He walked in and his buddies were all standing by the TV catching the closing minutes of yet another soccer match. Karl did not really care much for sport apart from swimming but this was a sports bar so he just smiled and joined his friends. They talked for hours about which team was the best, which was the most valuable player, and why their opinion was correct and the team manager was wrong. Karl did not know much about soccer so he joined in as best he could and was happy to hang out with his friends. He had learned a long time ago a very simple principle that had served him very well over the years. It made common sense to apply this principle but so few people did. He had even tried to explain it to a relative during the holidays that could not see the point of it. * Be more interested in the other person than in yourself. * Karl had proved to himself that this was the secret to having lots of friends, which was one thing he was never short of. Unlike his relative who was a very difficult person to like because he always talked about himself. Instead Karl encouraged other people to talk to him about what was important to them. And people really enjoyed talking to Karl because he was such a good listener. He actively asked his friends to tell him what they were most excited about, what they were doing that really mattered to them and what their goals for the future were. Not only that. Karl gave his friends his complete attention when they spoke to him and he never criticized them even when he did not agree with their ideas. Karl and his friends left the bar and walked out into the balmy night laughing about some silly joke that was not even funny. And now over to you! In your life what if there is a person that you know but you rarely show any interest in him or her. Maybe you have become a little lazy because after all you have known him for so long. But do you really know him that well. What if you got up to date with him and found out what his concerns, interests and worries are TODAY. Maybe you would discover a new depth to your friendship. And what if you could even have fun getting to know this person all over again. Hmmmmm! The TV Within Mark just did not get it. He had in front of him a detailed description of how he wanted to be. And still he had not become that person. If goal setting was supposed to work then why was he not becoming a great communicator? Why did he still find it hard to get rapport with some people, and why did he still lack charisma? He slumped down a little lower in his chair and picked up the TV remote. After selecting a movie channel he struggled to concentrate on the plot as it unfolded on the screen. Even with his state of the art TV the picture was terrible. Mark decided to adjust the picture. He changed the brightness, contrast and colors. And then he sat up in his chair before turning the volume up. The picture was now perfect and the dialogue came alive now that the sound was up nice and high. Mark got engrossed in the film and hardly noticed the time pass. Before long the evening was over, the movie had finished and it was time to sleep. He crawled into bed and slept a deep sleep until 4 A.M. when he awoke all of sudden with the answer to his question. He now knew why goal setting was not working for him. He had figured out why his communication skills did not seem to be getting better. The problem was not what he wanted but the way he was thinking about what he wanted. Just like the movie on TV the inner picture of his goal needed some fine-tuning. He sat up in bed and thought about his goal to be a great conversationalist. He got a fuzzy dark picture in his mind of what it would be like to be that person. It was a black and white picture and he could barely make out the contents of the picture. Next, Mark checked the sounds; there was little if any sound. He could not hear the version of himself in the picture speaking. And there were no feelings associated with the picture. Mark decided to have some fun. He imagined the picture of himself having achieved his goal of being a great conversationalist. Then he started to tune up the picture. He made it colorful and very bright. He imagined the picture as being much, much larger and he brought it closer to him in his mind. Already he felt more inspired and more motivated. Then he turned up the volume and played with the sounds until he could hear himself speaking with authority, power and a pervasive confidence. After that, he introduced strong feelings. He created feelings of warmth, comfort and certainty. By the end of this process the picture, sound and feelings seemed so real that Mark felt as if he could almost reach out and touch the new him. He knew his work was done. And now over to you! The way you represent your goals to yourself inside your head has a massive impact on your ability to achieve your goals. If you feel overwhelmed, depressed, hopeless or just stuck when you think about your goals it is for one reason. The way you think about your goals. If you have a goal that you really want and you are not taking action to make it happen it is time to change the way you represent the goal to yourself. Until the goal seems almost real in your minds eye you have not given yourself a fighting chance of employing your mind to help you attain the goal. Your unconscious mind will continually search for solutions to help you if and only if you give it a precise clear feeling picture of what you want. Would you watch a TV that has not been tuned in properly? Why not tune in your brain and let your whole mind work with you to become even more? Mismatching By The Pool Susan drove slowly in the afternoon traffic with the window rolled down to let the humid summer air rush through her hair. The houses on the left and on the right all looked the same. Freshly painted, gleaming white in the sun and each one with a proud garden of neatly arranged lawns and flower beds. With sprinklers hidden from view the magic of piped water was nowhere to be seen. Susan pulled into the driveway of number 15 and yanked on the handbrake as she turned the engine off. She got out of the car and walked around to the back of the house where Kurt her younger brother was enjoying his new pool. Kurt had always been hard to get on with and he did not often get visitors so he was pleased to see his sister had decided to call around out of the blue. He just found most people never agreed with him so he preferred to spend most of his free time fixing up the house. Susan and Kurt sipped ice tea and soaked in the cool water of the pool while talking about this and that. Then Susan started to spot the language patterns that she had read about only yesterday. You see Kurt is a mismatcher, which means he tends to look for the opposing view in any discussion. If you see black, he looks for white. If you say up, he says down. And if you explain a concept in terms of going inwards, Kurt is already thinking about the implications of going outwards. And this is why people find Kurt so argumentative because it seems that he just disagrees with whatever you say to him. Susan decided to reveal to him that he is a mismatcher. When she mentioned it, he disagreed immediately before going quite for a few minutes. He realized that his sister was correct, he had never noticed that he mismatched other people so much. In fact he really thought he was being helpful by pointing out the existence of a different viewpoint. Then they decided to play a game. Susan would make a statement and then Kurt would respond by finding some way to agree with what she said. At first he found this game excruciating as he could only find points of disagreement. However by late afternoon he was starting to get the hang of it much to the surprise of his sister. Later that week Susan got a call from her mother who was worried about Kurt. She had just got off the phone with her son and for the first time in years they had not argued. And now over to you! Talking to mismatchers can be hard work. However once you recognize the pattern you have choices. If you want a mismatcher to consider a particular polarity just suggest that they favor its opposite. For example, recommend leaving early for a day trip if you want the mismatcher to actually consider a late start. If you tend to be a mismatcher yourself you may be getting out of rapport with people when you do not mean to be. Play the exercise that Susan and Kurt used above to develop the habit of finding agreement where you sometimes see no scope for common ground. And finally, if you must mismatch, pace before you mismatch. For example instead of just presenting your unique perspective you could agree with the overall intent of the other person AND then make your point. e.g. If Susan says that driving with the window down feels great, Kurt could agree that it is nice to have a cool breeze although air conditioning is even better especially when the air is humid. Lady Twilight dives deeper into approval She stood by the side of the pool and stared into the deep blue water below. The sun sparkled back at her as she dived into the water. At first it felt cold then cool and then refreshing and revitalizing. She resurfaced for air, and laughed and giggled with the sheer delight of playing in the water. Her friends got ready to join her while Lady Twilight took a deep breath and dived under. Deeper and deeper she went until she could touch the bottom. She paused at the pool floor and felt her body easing upwards until she let go and slowly made her way back to the surface. It had been a perfect day thought Lady Twilight to herself as she lay down to sleep later that evening. As her mind wandered she looked ahead to tomorrow. She took a deep breath and wished she could spend the day at the pool playing with her friends. She started to dream and this is what she dreamed of. The pool was even brighter and bigger than normal and an unusual light blue color as she dived in and swam to the bottom. She touched the tiles on the floor as usual only this time a doorway opened and she swam through into a chamber. In this chamber there was a small lake from which she surfaced into a candlelit cave. At that moment she felt a hand on her left shoulder. She turned to look into the kind eyes of Kuma the wise one. Without saying a word he passed on his ancient wisdom until Lady Twilight felt sleepy enough to close her eyes. She reopened her eyes to find Kuma was nowhere to be seen. Feeling happy and warm inside she stepped into the lake and swam into its depths chasing the blue light in front of her. Before long she was sliding through the opening back into the swimming pool. Feeling lighter and lighter she gently made her way higher and higher to the surface. Her face broke through the water into the air and everything seemed different in the world. Lady Twilight awoke and she reviewed what Kuma had taught her. Here is what he said: We all want the same things at a deep level. We all want to be loved and appreciated by the important people in our lives but sometimes this desire for approval gets out of control and we start to crave this approval. We may even start to need this acceptance from complete strangers. There is a better way. If you can take charge of your feelings you can let go of wanting approval. Very few people know that when you dive into the core of your feelings you can let them go and free yourself from their bondage. In the same way that you dive into a pool you can dive into that feeling of wanting approval. Take a moment to recall a recent situation when you wanted the approval of someone. Now allow yourself to feel that feeling again, and imagine that you are diving into the feeling itself. Notice how this feels. And allow the feeling to expand and extend throughout your body until it washes right over you. At this point ask yourself: could you let go of wanting approval? You will then feel the release, a sense of feeling lighter and free, more at peace and more relaxed. And now over to you! Dive deeper and deeper into your feelings before you let them go and you will be amazed at the peace and serenity you will find at the core of your being. Like many good things the more you play with this process the easier and better it becomes. And as you let go of wanting approval you will find yourself expressing your true personality, and so your communication with others will start to flow more naturally. Is it time you went swimming with Kuma?