********************************* The LOCO AND DISSENT Calendar Sunday, May 27, 2007 10:00 a.m. *********************************
HB 56 by Talton Relating to…it doesn't matter what it relates to, because there's a point of order in the bill analysis in violation of Rule 4, Section 32 of the House Rules HB ??? by Guillen, I think Relating to…uh, something having to do with….something that changes something somewhere…it's probably a pretty good bill though HB 1836 by Perry Relating to the sale of the Alamo back to Mexico to fund pet projects HR 1 by Thompson Relating to vacating…I’m just kidding…I had you scared though, didn’t I? HB 1837 by Kolkhorst Prohibiting the sale of the Alamo and creating a commission to study the sale of the Alamo HB 154 by Pickett Relating to the abolition of the office of State Dictator and replacing it with a Governor elected by the people…wait, we don't have a state dictator? Someone better tell Goodhair. SB 457 by Patrick, Dan Relating to the exemption of human babies from sales and use taxes during the tax free holiday weekend and other times HB 45 by Krusee Relating to allowing members to vote from out of the country via Blackberry until they are excused. HB 1 by Misterspeakermembers Relating to this new member who all members apparently address at the front mike. HB 234 by Driver Relating to an appropriation for research on amnesia so that members don’t forget to excuse their colleagues when they are out of the country. HR 1 by Talton Relating to vacating…any chance I had to pass a bill this session because I’m making everyone mad with all my points of order. HB 263 by Woolley Relating to declaring herself Bodyguard to The Speaker and Defender of His Character HB 157 by Burnam Relating to the exemption of…hold on; did I just say Burnam? How did this happen? Are you sure it's not Berman? Who do I need to fire? This just isn't right. Maybe it really is a kinder, gentler Craddick… HB 666 by Burnam Relating to the requirement that the temperature in Hell remain under 32 degrees because he got a bill to the floor; amendment by Turner will ensure TXU doesn't cut off the power in this extreme temperature to comply with provisions of the bill 1
HB $$$ by Isett Relating to a limit on the maximum annual increase of an individual or business' income to prevent "income creep" on federal income taxes HB .08 by Dutton Relating to…see, I told you we should let hotel bars serve to guests 24 hours…I could have been asleep my room rather than driving down 6th Street. HB VO5 by Dunnam Relating to an appropriation to fix his hair. HR 1623 by Chavez Recognizing Paul Methusala…I mean, Moreno…on his 5651st birthday. HR 1 by Geren Relating to a votion to macate…*hiccup*…I mean cotion to vamate…I mean…ZZZZZZZZZZZ… HB T2 by The Taltonator Relating to You may have overruled my point of order, but I'll Be Back! Hasta la vista, HB! HB 2541 by Hill Relating to the severance of ties between the State of Texas and Harris County, so that Harris County can do whatever the heck it wants and leave everybody else alone! HB 453 by Thompson Relating to…I’m calling a point of order on Tuffy Hamilton’s bill because he didn’t send me a pie. HB 10 by Burnam Relating to the number of minutes I can talk about any subject, provided it’s a day with Local & Consent bills. HB 9 by Crownover Relating to the banning of eating donuts in a place of employment for the prevention of secondhand obesity. HB 2010 by Dewhurst Relating to can I be Governor yet? I’m tired of dealing with this Senate crap. I promise I won’t vaccinate your kids or sell the state to Spain. Please get me out of here!! SB 791 by Williams (Eiland) Relating to changing the caption of this bill to declare oysters an inherently DELICIOUS product for personal consumption. HB 2 by Martinez Fischer | Pickett | Kolkhorst Relating to the creation of the office of the road fairy…because we need to build roads, yet have turned down indexing the gas tax and toll roads while eliminating the only revenue source for roads for the summer. HB 23 by Woolley Relating to me being the one who sets the House calendars…no, really, it’s not the Speaker. I’m serious. Stop laughing! HB 1400 by Harold “Abraham Lincoln” Dutton Relating to requiring a person to show identification so they cannot vote or pose as a dead president (and what, exactly, is at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue? Maybe they moved the White House a couple blocks since Honest Abe’s term)
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SB 1 by The Whole Senate Relating to how we’re glad the Senate carpet is green so all the Christmas trees we made in there in the last few days of the session aren’t as noticeable. HB 21-0 by The Freshman Class Relating to Yes, Ms. Truitt…we know the score of the football game! HB 10W-40 by Eiland Relating to how he keeps his hair from moving while playing basketball for two hours. HB K-9 by The Whole House Relating to those dog noises made every time a dog bill comes up on the floor. We understand that being a legislator is a “ruff” job, but they really “tick” us off, making us want to “flea” the floor. Next time they start, we will head to the “worm”-er climate of Mexico or the Caribbean. This is annoying us from “Bark”-er County in North Texas all the way to Jim “Dogg” County. HB 254 by Woolley – Floor Amendment Relating to the amendment being acceptable to the Arthur…I mean wautha…I mean awwthug…I mean…aw, heck, the person who wrote the bill. HB 78 by Craddick Relating to I would adopt this bill but I can’t tell whether the clerk needs to “Read the Bell” or “Ring the Bill.” SB 3 by The House (most of it) Relating to SCREW YOU NORTH TEXAS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HB 125 by the House Relating to an emergency appropriation to buy Dennis Bonnen a razor. HB $0.99 by Thompson | Hamilton Relating to the price of their cover of “Ebony and Ivory” on iTunes; if you buy now, you will get their new single “Coffee and Cream” absolutely free. SB %#$%^#%$ by Whitmire Relating to…will somebody please tell the Dean of the Senate that the Senate floor is supposed to be more laid back than the House? I mean really… SB 0 by Patrick, Dan Relating to the number of friends this guy is making in the Senate…well short of 2/3. HB 2 by Allen | Alonzo | Anchia | Anderson | Aycock | Bailey | Berman | Bohac | Bolton | Bonnen | Branch | Brown, Betty | Brown, Fred | Burnam | Callegari | Castro | Chavez | Chisum | Christian | Cohen | Coleman | Cook, Byron | Cook, Robby | Corte | Crabb | Craddick | Creighton | Crownover | Darby | Davis, John | Davis, Yvonne | Delisi | Deshotel | Driver | Dukes | Dunnam | Dutton | Eiland | Eissler | Elkins | England | Escobar | Farabee | Farias | Farrar | Flores | Flynn | Frost | Gallego | Garcia | Gattis | Geren | Giddings | Gonzales | Gonzales Toureilles | Goolsby | Guillen | Haggerty | Hamilton | Hancock | Hardcastle | Harless | Harper-Brown | Hartnett | Heflin | Hernandez | Herrero | Hilderbran | Hill | Hochberg | Hodge | Homer | Hopson | Howard, Charlie | Howard, Donna | Hughes | Isett | Jackson | Jones | Keffer | King, Phil | King, Susan | King, Tracy | Kolkhorst | Krusee | Kuempel | Latham | Laubenberg | Leibowitz | Lucio | Macias | Madden | Mallory Caraway | Martinez | Martinez Fischer | McCall | McClendon | McReynolds | Menendez | Merritt | Miles | Miller | Moreno | Morrison | Mowery | Murphy | Naishtat | Noriega | O’Day | Oliveira | Olivo | Orr | Ortiz | Otto | Parker | Patrick | Paxton | Peña | Phillips | Pickett | Pierson | Pitts | Puente | Quintanilla | Raymond | Riddle | Ritter | Rodriguez | Rose | Smith, Todd | Smith, Wayne | Smithee | Solomons | Strama | Straus | Swinford | Talton | Taylor | Thompson | Truitt | Turner | Van Arsdale | Vaught | Veasey | Villarreal | Vo | West | Woolley | Zedler | Zerwas 3
Relating to the people who want to be Speaker, in the event that the chair is vacated. HB 100 by Cook, Byron Relating to the percentage chance that his political career is done if the Speaker stays in power… HB 21 by Riddle Relating to appointing me the judge of all bills to come to the House floor, since I can tell which the worst bill EVER is… HB 98752 by Dunnam | Coleman | Gallego | et al. Relating to the creation of the Dead Bill Railroad…chub-a chub-a chub-a chub-a…chub-a chub-a chub-a chub-a…CHOO CHOO!! HB 32 by Howard, Charlie Relating to I’ll get you the Local & Consent Calendar when it’s ready, Mr. Burnam! HB 32 by Dukes | Kolkhorst | Harless | Gonzales | Mallory Caraway | King, Susan Relating to creating the House Committee on Hotness…they can sustain my point of order any day! SB 1256 by John “Godfather” Carona Relating to the allowance of toy horse slaughter to send your enemy a fake horse head.
*Note: The Speaker wanted more bills to be added to this calendar, but his decision was overruled. The bills in question weren’t loco enough and shouldn’t have been on this calendar anyway. Additionally, we tried to deliver additional bills from the calendar to the Governor for his approval, but his clerk was sick so we’ll have to wait. As you might imagine, many bills looked like they'd pass quickly but were inexplicably detained for a long time in committee in the non-originating house. Still no official word on why so many bills just sat around for weeks with no action taken... Additionally, several of the major Loco and Dissent tax bills were ready to be set on the calendar, but the Comptroller's fiscal note kept changing on us, so we finally had to drop them. I'm sure many of you can relate...Oh, and you should have seen the 25 "lost" bills we decided not to publish/pass out of committee due to potential threats of political payback!! All the remaining bills were killed by hyper-technical points of order. Have all voted? Is there objection? Admit the messenger, ring the bell, the gentlelady's time has expired, Mr. Speaker, parliamentary inquiry, are you aware…?, oh how we will miss it when the session ends!!
(c) 2007, The Friendly Capitol Cockroach
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