Funny Men -Funny about Men My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. Tim Allen *** The more I know about men the more I like dogs. Gloria Allred *** Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. Jean Kerr *** Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson *** I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance --a sharp, vindictive glance. James Thurber *** Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes. Oscar Wilde *** Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. Oscar Wilde *** The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland *** On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. Bruce Willis *** Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! Kathy Lette *** Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. Kathy Lette *** Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of. Kathy Lette *** Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse. Will Rogers *** Man has will, but woman has her way. Oliver Wendell Holmes *** For everybody knows that it requires very little to satisfy the gentlemen, if a woman will only give her mind to it. Margaret Oliphant *** If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher *** If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Linda Ellerbee *** Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. Tim Allen *** Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella. Mae West *** A man in the house is worth two in the street. Mae West *** Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles. Roseanne Barr *** When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Elayne Boosler *** Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce *** I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV. Tracy Smith *** Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I'll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities. Charles Bukowski *** You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong *** My attitude toward men who mess around is simple: If you find 'em, kill 'em. Loretta Lynn *** There's nineteen men livin' in my neighborhood eighteen of them are fools and the one ain't no doggone good. Bessie Smith *** What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning, with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine? Karen Blixen *** Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obsessed about men? Barbra Streisand *** Men are generally more law-abiding than women. Women have the feeling that since they didn't make the rules, the rules have nothing to do with them. Diane Johnson *** Whether women are better than men I cannot say—but I can say they are certainly no worse. Golda Meir *** Always suspect any job men willingly vacate for women. Jill Tweedie *** A gentleman is simply a patient wolf. Lana Turner *** The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men. Lupe Velez *** Everyone knows that a man can always marry even if he reaches 102, is penniless, and has all his faculties gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him. Amy Vanderbilt *** There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink. Booth Tarkington *** Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he's in love with her. Agatha Christie *** All modern men are descended from a worm-like creature, but it shows more on some people. Will Cuppy *** Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. Tim Allen *** You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire -they're exactly alike. Dave Attell *** The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. Roseanne Barr *** A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego. Roseanne Barr *** There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. Helen Rowland *** It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him. Helen Rowland *** To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Helen Rowland *** Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. Helen Rowland *** Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. Helen Rowland *** The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity. Helen Rowland *** To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end. Helen Rowland