Dating As A Single Parent
After sixteen years of marriage, I was thrust into the unknown world of single parenting. It’s been four years since the breakup of my marriage and the allure of a healthy, committed relationship beckons to me. Inevitably, this requires me to accept the fact that at the age of 44, with 3 children, I am dating. I’ve done the personal work, recognizing that a healthy me is going to attract a healthy partner, and a dysfunctional me...well, you do the math. I’ve reflected on the past and evolved to a place of contentment, confidence and independence. Still, the balance between my own needs and that of my children is not always clear or easy to attain. Children see your dating through a unique lens. Their perceptions and emotions are colored by the past, as well as what is currently happening in their bodies, social surroundings, home, etc. Some children hold to the hope that Mom and Dad will get back together. Dating becomes a harsh reminder that this is not likely to happen. Children may also worry about acquiring a stepparent, fret over perceived loss of parental attention or affection, feel jealousy, imagine competition, etc. Often, kids don’t know what they are feeling or why they are reacting. Up against such a challenge, how do single parents negotiate between their own needs and those of their children? Following are some basic rules that I believe are essential:
1. Develop your personal foundation so you attract only healthy relationships into your life. If you seek a partner to “fix” or “complete” you, take care of you, enable you (to continue addictive or dangerous behavior), or otherwise feed unhealthy needs, you will ultimately hurt yourself AND your children. Without addressing your own issues, you will attract turmoil, dissatisfaction and unhappiness into your life. A healthy environment with a healthy parent will provide your children with the model, guidance and nurturing they require. While your dating will likely still raise issues for your children, they will be more secure, supportive and communicative.
2. Honestly address kids’ concerns and why it is important for you to date. Let kids know that you are seeking an adult relationship that in NO WAY reduces the importance or nature of your relationship with them. Also, let them know that Mom and Dad will always be Mom and Dad, you are not seeking to replace anyone.
3. Keep private issues private. Kids today know a lot more about life and relationships than we might have at their age. There is an abundance of information and MISinformation children gather through television, radio, magazines, and advertisements. Kids are curious. They will wonder and often ask. I do not believe your intimate life is a child’s or anyone’s business. And remember, you are a role model. You can anticipate that if you model inappropriate behavior, your children will eagerly reflect that behavior back to you. 4. Only introduce a date to your children once you’ve established this as significant relationship. In my opinion, it is extremely detrimental to have a parade of dates coming into your children’s lives. Consider the level of anxiety produced with each new meeting. In addition, should your children become attached to your date, the loss can be devastating if it doesn’t work out. 5. Respond, don’t react. Easier said than done at times, but well worth the effort. This requires that you handle the issues that trigger you to react, also known as your “buttons” (“she pushed my button”). Again, strengthen your personal foundation. Children will always find ways to challenge you. It’s their job! When you react, i.e. personalize an attack or disagreement; you will increase stress and frustration. You will also miss the opportunity to explore what is really going on with your child.
6. Allow your kids to dislike this part of your life. Certainly we want our children to be happy for and with us as we seek to add adult relationship to our lives. But children have their own “stuff” going on. Accept and acknowledge that they don’t like you dating right now.
Don’t try to convince them why it is a good idea. By honoring their feelings, you will open the channels for good communication.
Providing a safe, loving and healthy environment is paramount in raising secure, emotionally healthy children. There are no guarantees that children will support your choice to date, even when you do all the “right” things. What works for one family may not work for another. Let instinct guide you. If it seems wrong, it probably is wrong. Remember, children learn as much from what is unspoken (modeled) as what is spoken. Be sure to model behaviors that are based upon strong personal foundation. Your children will learn to embrace your happiness and support your choices as you do theirs.
Judi Turkheimer is a personal success coach and founder of Color Your Rainbow Coaching. Judi specializes in divorce transition. To explore how coaching can benefit you, please call Judi at 732-821-2996 and schedule a complimentary 30 minute coaching session. “It’s your rainbow...choose your colors”