Wife lot’s wife student paper the downfall of monyx unhappy hens scandal free young liberals coaster St Patricks Day Saturday 17th March GR EEN DAYO UT Featuring Ad amm12 From 4:30p O YOY9:00pm From n and residen t DJ in betwee $5.00 Cover Charge from 5:00pm MUSIC, FUN, FRIVOLITY AND GIVEAWAYS MONASH HOTEL ~ P:9544 8011 2077 DANDENONG RD CLAYTON Contents: 5 Editorials 6 Letters 8 National Affairs 9 Refoulement - Australian style 10 Free Young Liberals Coaster 12 Global Affairs 15 Global Policemen 16 Music 18 Songs that changed the world 20 Wom*n’s Page 21 Queer Page 22 Campus Life 23 Pete Steedman: ‘hoon,’ activist and former Lot’s Wife Editor 26 Where’s Johnny? 28 Happy Hens Scandal 29 Lifestyle 34 Arts & Theatre 35 Sideshow Alley 38 Science 41 Penis Enlargements 42 Cinema & Soap 43 Scopophilia 46 Creative Writing 47 The boning of Australian Journalism 50 The Lot’s Wife Family Tree 51 Sport Thanks Jason Leigh and Michael Keane for helping us with distribution, Newsprinters (especially the two Pauls), writers, sub editors, The Notting Hill, helpers, proof-readers, coffee makers, Kathryn McNally, Meg Byrne and Claire Wesson for proof-reading, Meg Byrne again for the chocolate and doing our dishes (we’re not always that gross), Gordo for thinking proof reading would help him climb the Lot’s Wife ladder, Mr. Conduit for the paper, our Respect Ofﬁcer for keeping his clothes on, Twister (the board game not the club!), Krissy for being lovely, Lee Young Hoon, the hot guy in Dara’s class, Karen for being ever so cheery, Emily for drawing each Where’s Johnny character, ﬂea bombs, Revellers Bar, jugs of beer and Damian Thomson for being a legend. No Thanks Teo for vandalising our Wikipedia page, the enviro kids for stealing our couch, people ranting about the O-Guide at us (the O Guide has nothing to do with Lot’s Wife), Chris Holmes, Tegan- (for so diligently reporting typos but not offering to do any proof reading), Precious Saxophonists, Berwick guy, The Wargamers Club, Haydn Steele, Lot (for what you did for your daughters), people who think Lot’s Wife is a propaganda machine for [insert club name/or- ganisation here], Jess Berndt, Bojangles’ ﬂeas, people who put two spaces between sentences, people who think we’ll print their 1000 word letters to the editor – talk about fancying themselves – write us a damn article, Samuel H.M.A.S Kastelan (The MSA’s answer to Andrew Bolt), Socialist Alternative for sticking posters on our drop boxes, Damian Thomson for getting too comfortable in the ofﬁce and turning into a smart ass (Naomi abstained from the motion [note - did not oppose]), Catholics on campus for putting pamphlets in our drop boxes, Cassie the slapper, and yes, we are getting bitter. ‘Writers meetings Monday 1pm. Lot’s Wife Ofﬁce, Level 1 Campus Centre’ Lot’s Wife Level 1 Building 10, Campus Centre Monash University Clayton 3800 Ph (03) 9905 8174 Fax (03) 9905 4185 email@example.com www.msa.monash.edu.au/lotswife/ Editors Naomi Snell and Dara Conduit firstname.lastname@example.org For the Lot’s Wife Podcast go to www.radiomonash.net Lot’s Wife acknowledges the Kulin Nations as the original and ongoing owners of the land upon which the paper is produced Editorial Policy: Lot’s Wife believes in giving all Monash students the opportunity to express themselves. Equally, we recognise the right of all students to read the paper without feeling threatened or offended by racist, sexist, militaristic, or homophobic material. The views reﬂected in this paper do not necessarily reﬂect the views of the editors or the MSA. Articles that are submitted are proof read and may be altered, chemically or otherwise. Editorials: For many, moving on from the spoon To Kevin Andrews, MP feeding and social conﬁnes of high school Minister for Immigration, to a tertiary institution can be a liberating experience. My own journey at Monash Last week my Dad asked me to write a letter supporting his Clayton itself has taken some liberating girlfriend Tomoko’s citizenship application. This was ﬁne. Tomoko, turns. On many occasions I have liberated after all, is lovely, so I sat down to write a meaningful document myself from the stress of university with to convince your ﬁne self that she would indeed be an asset to copious amounts of cold beer from the this country. Notting Hill Hotel and back in ﬁrst year, at Halls Of Residence, I managed to liberate my Upon reﬂection on her chances of being approved, and more limbs from any sense of feeling through the importantly the reasons that she wanted to become a citizen use of illicit substances. (namely my dad’s questionable mateship), I came to realise that in fact I would gladly swap my citizenship with her. For the In terms of liberation for others or the following reasons, I wish to apply to swap citizenship with her greater good, I gave the wom*n’s room a run and take up her Japanese residency. to free myself from the patriarchy and plot revolution. I have even become a vegetarian (1) The fact that Australia still manages to masquerade as a and liberated some animals from being tropical country. For too long has the rest of the world been eaten by me for which they are undoubtedly convinced that Australia is the land of sunshine. If I travel grateful. And, for those in need of some overseas once more where people complain that I’m not kind of liberation, meals at Wholefoods are tanned like an Australian, I will scream. I had a friend that a great way of liberating at least one animal was a Norwegian exchange student who came to Australia on for the day, not to mention keeping scurvy at the basis of all the sunshine. He got the impression that the bay. beach was a 5 minute walk from Monash Berwick campus. Talk about false advertising. I came up with some other ideas which may (2) The quality of people’s English in this country. If I hear be liberating but I am yet to experience, one more foul mouthed, ute driving, pants falling down (although I haven’t ruled them out) such as bogan pronounce AUST-RAL-IA as Aus-tray-ya I might murder a same sex pick up at an MSA function or someone. Learn to pronounce our country’s name. I feel staging a naked protest for which my cause pretty comfortable stating that the everyday Japanese person is as yet unclear. Most recently I sought would have a better grasp on the English language than those liberation through a (post Notting Hill) fools. scantily clad moonlight swim in the Vice (3) The people at Future Music Festival. Fake tan and small Chancellor’s pool. Liberating maybe not… but dresses anyone? the pool is heated and I enjoyed it all the (4) Today Tonight: That television programs such as A Current same. Affair and Today Tonight parade under the banner of Current Affairs Programs. The fact that these programs rate so highly Something which I have found liberating says something about the intelligence of our country as a and quite empowering is the knowledge whole, and certainly not a good thing. that I have gained through my education (5) Harajuku girls. They put our Supre divas to shame at Monash University. But far and away though, my greatest liberation on campus And don’t even get me started on your party’s human rights has come through writing and my freedom record. of expression, particularly through Lot’s Wife. After this year I will never again have I hope you take my application into account. I am a mere Arts the opportunity to tell ﬁve thousand Monash student with the earning capacity of a 10-year old child, and in students that come the federal election they comparison to Tomoko the merchant banker, would be nothing need to Fuck Off Howard! but a burden on Australia’s welfare system. Naomi Snell Yours sincerely Dara Conduit Political Activism On The Rise Sticking It To MSA MSC Accountability And Executive! Wholefoods Inﬂation Dear Lot’s, Lot’s, Dear Lot’s Wife, We thoroughly enjoyed reading the ﬁrst edition I am currently employed by the for 2007 particularly the article by Jonathan Monash Student Association, at Wholefoods’* prices may soon be Burke which took a look at Labor’s new ‘dream Wholefoods. I am also a student rising by 20%. Not because they team’ as we approach the next Federal election. at Monash (currently studying full have to because costs have risen One interesting letter to the editor in the ﬁrst time). Wholefoods contracts are by 20% and not because the Collec- edition was that by Emily Laidlaw who expressed based on an old – no longer exist- tive (the body of Wholefoods made her disappointment at the lack of political activ- ing – hospitality award, which up of students, staff and volun- ism at Monash. She made the comparison between classiﬁes us as seasonal staff, teers that has run Wholefoods today’s relative apathy and the powerful Vietnam and gives us dubious protections. since it’s inception) wants to raise War protests led by the Monash ALP Club in the I choose to work at Wholefoods the prices on already struggling 1960s and 70s. (taking meal tickets more often students, the threatened price There is no doubt that universities are less politi- than paid hours) because I love raise is because Monash Student cally active today than they were in the 1960s Wholefoods, support student un- Council (MSC) – or the majority on and 70s. The actions of the conservative Federal ionism, and think it’s a great place MSC – wills it so. They claim that Government have seen students’ time to par- to work. 10% off (an actual discount!) all ticipate in activities such as political activism The Wholefoods Collective doesn’t meals at Wholefoods for Commu- severely diminished. This has come about because want to raise prices because it nity Card holders isn’t enough of of increased work commitments for students, re- thinks Wholefoods should pro- an incentive (beyond the intrinsic sulting from highly inﬂated university fees, living vide affordable food, and – with political incentive of supporting expenses and an increase in rent. that aim in mind – should charge our student association) to encour- Our local Federal member of Parliament for students only what is necessary in age Wholefoods customers to sign Chisholm, Anna Burke MP, spoke on such issues order to cover costs (as it says in up to the Monash Community Card, when she came to the Monash ALP Club stall dur- the Wholefoods and MSA Constitu- so they are attempting to force ing O-week and noted the increase in parking fees tions, for that matter). Wholefoods to raise all prices by which have been caused by Howard’s Voluntary I, personally, have already bought 20%, and then give a 20% ‘dis- Student Unionism. the Community Card, as a matter count’ on everything for all Com- This year the Monash ALP club will be supporting of principle. Now I’m wondering munity Card holders. the campaign for a Federal Labor Government and if it will buy me stress-leave, the That is, a coffee that now costs we will focus on issues important to students such years this whole debacle is tak- $2.20 (the cheapest on campus) as Global Warming, Industrial Relations, the Iraq ing off my life. I also wonder if could soon cost you $2.75 (one War and Justice. the Community Card will buy ‘my’ of the most expensive coffees on We encourage anyone keen to be politically active union a sense of responsibility, a campus)… or $2.20 if you have a on campus and kick Howard out of ofﬁce this year. conscience, or a clue. Community Card. Wow, what a In solidarity, discount! In fact, if this happens, -Anonymous Wholefoods the MSA will give me a whole… Jake Clifton (President, Monash ALP Club) Collective and staff member zero cents off what I currently pay for coffee, tea, or cake. Oh, wait… Afﬁrmative Action Necessary That’s not a discount! In fact, since I do have a Commu- Dear Lot’s Wife, nity Card, and therefore currently get 10% off the base price of meals (Re. ‘Emily’s List’ article published in Edition 1 of at Wholefoods, my meals will actu- Lot’s Wife) ally cost me 10% more under MSC I was shocked to see a woman writing about the scheme. Wholefoods can afford to challenges facing women in politics and then give 10% discounts on meals, but dismissing quotas in the same article. I would not cannot afford to lose customers. expect such sexist dribble from anyone capable If you don’t like what MSC is trying of being accepted into university. There are some to force Wholefoods to do (Whole- legitimate arguments against Afﬁrmative Action, foods – the Collective, paid staff however Johanna Morris made none of them. Her and volunteers – are resisting so argument is that quotas are ameritous and pro- far), please: mote untalented people, people chosen on gender Sign up to the Community Card not skill. Her ﬁrst ﬂawed assumption is that 50% Send an email to the President of the population are not meritous. Johanna, even (Zoe.Edwards@adm.monash. if you don’t have faith in your own skills, the rest edu.au) and Treasurer (Mathew. of us are actually quite capable! The second ﬂaw email@example.com) in her article is that it failed to recognise the of the MSA and the Secretary barriers women face in engaging in politics and (Samual.Kastelan@adm.monash. business. In the past and present people are pro- edu.au) and tell them what you moted because of gender. Men are consistently as- – as one of their constituents sumed more capable, responsible, talented, more – think of their scheme to force ‘reliable’, less ‘emotional’ and better ‘suited’ to Wholefoods (whose slogan is ‘Food politics and the board room. Afﬁrmative Action for People, Not Proﬁt’) to raise is a way to counter this culture, and promote prices by an extra 25% talented women to positions of power so they may Come up to Wholefoods and ask begin to change this culture. With women earning one of our friendly staff and volun- only 66% of the average wage to men and consist- teers what you can do to help out. ently unrepresented in our parliament a solution With hope for years of cheap food, is needed! and participatory student services to come, Zoe Kellan Wakeman Arts 3rd year (7th Year Arts(Hons)/Law / Grad- DipEd … and 5th Year Wholefoods) Letters to the Editor: So Many Reasons To Be Proud Sorebottom’s Dillemma Prejudice In The Dear Lots, Monash Diaries Dear Lot’s Wife, This letter is directed to Naomi. I would like to Can you please make your pa- Dear Lot’s, clarify my original response to ‘Tits out for the per more absorbent. I am ﬁnding that Boys.’ At no point did I say that sexism should not it takes me at least 3 pages to clean Like many others I lined up be prevented, but it must be remembered that my behind. Can you consider making amongst the teeming hordes of what is regarded as sexist depends entirely on your paper softer and of double ply ﬁrst years to collect my student the individual/group it is directed at. Your article thickness? It will increase the demand. diary for 2007. As I was casually did not tackle sexism on campus; it directly and Regards, Joey Sorebot- ﬂicking through the publication incorrectly targeted Halls. Halls is not the central tom, 3rd Yr Proctologist I could not help but notice the hub for sexism on campus, it is merely an extension inclusion of environmentalist of the activities partaken in and around the main Where’s Georges Beef? propaganda – encouraging people campus. Although you had a negative experience to invest in Hessian shopping bags of Halls, you are one of very few. The Howitt Hall As I opened edition 1 of Lots Wife 2007 as opposed to reusable plastic 40th reunion last year had a great turn out from ,I was looking forward to another year ones (despite there being more across the 40 years. Negative comments were of hate-ﬁlled bigotry from the master greenhouse gas expended and directly related to room sizes and same-sex ﬂoors. of prose known only as “George”. For plants destroyed in the production No matter where you go in your life, or what most readers his satirical reﬂections of Hessian Vs. LDPE). you do, someone will always be offended by the on the state of modern society were a Even the Vice-Chancellor was comments and activities of others. Although that meta-narrative for the modern univer- afforded the opportunity to rant person has a right to speak up about this, they sity student. He cast much deserved a bit about something that was have no right to wrongly target a small populace of criticism on whatever got his goat, improbably relevant and almost people who are merely imitating the activities of while at the same being the embodi- certainly wouldn’t justify the hike a larger group. Although Halls may be part of the ment of all that is hateful and de- in parking permit costs (I’d know problem, it is not the cause of the problem, which I serves criticism. By doing this he made this for certain had I actually read am sure you’re well aware of. Next time an article us realise just how petty, stupid, and it). Imagine my surprise when I on sexism is published, make sure it looks at the amusing our own prejudices are. stumble across the ‘doodle space’ whole picture and includes all aspects of campus Of course there also are those ignorant provided in the back of the organ- life, not just Halls. fools who blindly followed his preach- izer and not one bit of ‘vagina On a brighter note, it’s nice to see you ﬁnally got ing, showering hate on whatever space’. What kind of women’s, laid; you must be so much more pleasant to deal George declared as “whipping boy of womyn’s or wom*n’s collective with these days. the month”. These imbecilic sheep could allow such an insult to pass Proud ex-Howitt Resident should probably be shot in the knee- unchallenged? However shouldn’t cap, then forced to watch loops of one of the vegetarians have no- John Cleese’s “How to Irritate People” ticed that their oppressed sisters A Red Flag For Lot’s Wife Pinkos! until all they want to do is claw out did not have their equally impres- their bloodshot eyes and pierce their sive genitalia afforded the space Dear Lot’s, eardrums with knitting needles. They that they so rightfully deserve. I I would like to complain about the radical left-wing totally missed the point of the whole was so enraged I had to shred, roll bias of this paper. From the rabidly anti-Howard, thing. and smoke three Hessian shopping anti-law student, anti-Zionist, anti-Capitalist, in Finally, there are those who loved to bags to calm myself down. fact, anti-everything stance this paper takes on hate George. His edgy topics pushed every single issue, I can only assume that you are the boundaries of the acceptable, and In solidarity, either stooges for the Chinese Communist Party consistently threw the question “Why or that Kerry O’Brien writes all your articles. You is this unacceptable?” back in the Frenzied Lord Champ (ARTS IV) are so far past ‘leaning’ to the left, you’ve bloody face of the political correctness-loving well fallen on top of it and started humping it to prudes that infect the student body. death. Whether it be land rights for gay cub seals, Occasionally he got a good answer (for tree-planting in the basement of the law building example see p.3, The Grey Edition, or advocating an afﬁrmative action plan to have Lots Wife 2006); most of the time all a minimum 50% representation of women in the he received a incoherent blast of hate Engineering faculty by 2008, this paper seldom from those who didn’t like what he hesitates to take up some hitherto insigniﬁcant and was saying and were not articulate irrelevant issue and beat us all around the head enough to express why. with it until we end up looking like Phillip Ruddock. Whatever group you fall into, I feel The great thing about VSU is that students like that “George’s Beef” was a integral myself no longer have to prop up your pinko part of anyone’s Lot’s wife experi- propaganda and can donate our money to more ence, and the paper is a darker, more worthy causes. God knows, the Exclusive Brethren shadowy place without it. Bring back need it. the Beef! (Or bacon) Jeremiah, Chris Holmes Science (Christian church of) III Law VI LOT’S WIFE 8/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER National Affairs ISSUE 02/2007 the beneﬁt of hindsight The State of the Nation Australia recently hosted United States Vice- Howard’s electorate. Bennelong, the electorate President Dick Cheney on a three-day stop- has become marginal after demographic over in Sydney. In the only press conference changes and electoral re-distribution, with the he gave during his visit, Cheney said that the PM holding the seat by a slim 4%. The reason US-Australian alliance was “rock solid”, and behind McKew’s entry into the contest is two- that it would not be altered if the Australian fold, ﬁrstly to see whether she can actually Government chose to withdraw its forces take the seat from Howard, secondly, to distract from Iraq. The latter response is particularly the PM on the wider political scene and limit important for federal Labor. The day before, his campaigning in other marginal seats the Cheney met Kevin Rudd in Sydney, where the government has to hold to secure victory. Labor opposition leader spelled out Labor’s position on needs a national swing of 4% for them to gain a Iraq: that Australia should withdraw its forces in majority in the House of Representatives. Even consultation with the other coalition partners. if she loses, McKew appears to have found her That makes Cheney’s remarks regarding calling in life after the ABC; she is a welcome the state of the alliance, and its prospects injection of intelligence and media savvy into of the ALP’s position on Iraq a big plus for the federal ALP. Rudd, who has insisted for months that Labor would maintain a strong US alliance, despite The Prime Minister can declare a victory of disagreement over Iraq. sorts, in that all states except Victoria have agreed to sign up to his $10 Billion take-over In other good news for the federal opposition, of the Murray-Darling River system. Victorian recent polls indicate that Kevin Rudd is more Premier Steve Bracks said he would not sign preferred as Prime Minister than John Howard, the deal until Victoria received a larger share and that Labor is ahead on seven out of ten of the $10 Billion over 10 years. He said it issues most important to Australians. These was not a fair deal where those states, such results should be viewed with caution, and by as Queensland and NSW with comparatively no means indicate that Labor is on the road to poor water infrastructure were rewarded for victory, but it is good news for Rudd. their neglect, compared with Victoria which had invested heavily in its Murray-Darling In other news, the high-proﬁle and highly infrastructure, and under the current proposal, talented former ABC presenter and Bulletin would have less money spent each year than is journalist Maxine McKew has announced that currently the case. she will stand for Labor pre-selection in John staying home tonight? twit of the edition* and the prize goes to... The federal government’s new Environment “as a result of his Minister, Malcolm Turnbull has been forced business and property • PAUL KEATING this week said that Peter to defend his use of his parliamentary travel ventures, Mr. Mokbel Costello is “all tip and no iceberg,” and that allowance to pay $175 per night for his use of is making a signiﬁcant John Howard is a “desiccated old coconut ... a Canberra townhouse owned by his wife. Mr contribution to the araldited to the seat.” Turnbull, whose personal wealth is estimated community and to be around $125 million has had his actions employing a substantial • TODAY TONIGHT - Who lead with a story defended by both the Prime Minister and number of people” about an eighty-four year old woman chained Opposition Leader, whose own private wealth to a cupboard in a nursing home. In fact, the also run into the millions of dollars. -Kelvin Thomson chains were there to represent how she felt, but after a lack of communication in the TT newsroom, they went to air telling viewers fantastic mr. burke the runner-up about how the poor woman was chained to her cupboard. After horriﬁed Government “a vote for Rudd Brian Burke has become the talk of the town ofﬁcials visited the nursing home in reaction is a vote against this month, ruining careers like they’re going to the story, it was established that, in fact sleep” out of fashion. the chains were a stunt. The following day, host Anna Coren was forced to retract the Despite Howard and Costello going open slather statement, saying “we reported that Shirley on Rudd for his meetings with Burke (Rudd - Andrew Bolt was living chained to her room. In fact this is probably could have handled the situation not the case. Today Tonight reporter Nicho- better), it seems the scandal now might have *The word twit has been used to substitute a far-more defamatory, las Boot took a chain with him at Shirley’s come back to bite Howard on the arse. and in our minds appropriate word in fear of being sued for request to be ﬁlmed in her room.” Nice one! defamation Howard was forced to sack Minister Ian •TONY ABBOTT - who went on Triple J’s HACK Campbell when it was revealed that he had met program on February 16th to discuss safe sex. with Brian Burke. It’s unfortunate for Campbell When the host, Kate O’Toole pushed him on that he was used to make a political statement. At the date of printing, whether all he condoned was abstinence, he However, no Sooner had Howard appointed David Hicks had been replied with a sleazy laugh and stated that, Senator David Johnston as Justice Minister did it incarcerated for for a married man, he knew far too much about abstinence. I don’t know that he even deserves the dog house for that one emerge that he had shares in Murchinson Metals and Croesus Mining - both companies that 1930 days in Guantanamo Bay employed Burke as a lobbyist and are now being investigated by the WA Crime and Corruption Commission. Oh dear. 9/ National Affairs REFOULEMENT australian allen james style For many years, Australia welcomed refugees treaties, and that it is unnecessary to provide to its shores. Although Australia signed the regulations for its own behavior. The converse 1951 Refugee Convention in 1954 and the 1967 argument put by the Law Council of Australia Optional Protocol in 1973, its geographical is that ‘there is no mechanism that is subject isolation meant there was little pressure for a to rule of law, which provides a safeguard domestic refugee policy separate from general against people being returned to countries in immigration laws. The arrival of the ﬁrst circumstances which are contrary to Australia’s Vietnamese and Cambodian boat people in the obligations under treaties other than the late 1970’s forced a review. Refugees became Refugee Convention.’ Recommendation 2.2 of scrutinised to levels not previously imposed by the Senate Committee report proposed that the Australia. non-refoulement obligations of CAT and ICCPR be incorporated explicitly into domestic law. The rapid increase in onshore arrivals in This has not happened. the 1990’s led to the implementation of a comprehensive refugee determination system The problem with Australia’s approach is that within the immigration portfolio. This included Immigration ofﬁcials and the RRT can only initial assessment by immigration ofﬁcials, consider the Refugee Convention when dealing access to a merits review by the Refugee Review with cases. They are unable to consider the Tribunal (RRT), and Federal Court access. The merits of individual cases from ICCPR, CAT or onshore arrivals programs have been under CROC perspectives. Only the Minister can do heated public debate and continual review to that if a case is brought to their attention, return to Somalia. It was content to argue on a this day. and then only if the discretion is used. This technicality which, although legally correct it is leaves a major risk that a refugee may not be deplorable in terms of basic human rights and The International Convention on Civil and properly processed, which can lead directly values. Political Rights (ICCPR) and the Convention to both injustice and violation of convention on the Rights of the Child (CROC) entered obligations. Finally, the Ministers decision is In another case, a pregnant mother in late term Australian law merely as attachments to not reviewable in court, except on natural and her 3-year old child were deported to China the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity justice grounds, which does not include matters where she was forced to have an abortion, only Commission (HREOC) Act. The Convention of substance unless, in an unlikely event, 10 days before the baby was due. The Minister against Torture (CAT) came into force in the Minister can be shown to have made the was not involved in this decision, but it was the Australia in 1989, but there was no CAT speciﬁc decision without reasoning. Department policy focused only on the Refugee legislation. Convention that rejected her as a refugee and The practical consequences of narrow enabled this to occur. A core principle of the convention is ‘non- interpretation of convention grounds are refoulement,’ whereby a State should not demonstrated in a number of cases. The The brutal logic in Australia’s approach is deport an asylum seeker to a place where there Refugee Convention failed to protect Sadiq Shek that the Government’s greatest concern may is a risk that the person’s life or freedom would Elmi from a deportation order, even though well be the sovereign question. In addition to be threatened. The Migration Act however, Australian ofﬁcials agreed it was likely he Australia’s possible exposure to open-ended uses the words ‘may be given a protection would be subjected to torture, imprisonment non-refoulement in situations where the nation visa’, leaving some uncertainty as to the non- and perhaps death on his return to Somalia. or community may be at risk. The government derogative nature of the non-refoulement Australian ofﬁcials explained in their rebuttal to is clearly very reluctant to sign away these principle. the United Nations Committee Against Torture discretions into law. that one reason he didn’t qualify under CAT Thus, the non-refoulement obligations in the was because Article 1 requires that torture Australia’s response to immigration and refugees Migration Act pertain only to the obligation be ‘committed by, or at the instigation of, or has changed remarkably. It started with an under the Refugee Convention. Ministerial with the consent or acquiescence of a public open welcome, assisted passage, free hostel guidelines created by the Department ofﬁcial or any other person acting in an ofﬁcial accommodation and integration services in the for guiding this discretion detail ‘public capacity’. Sadiq Shek Elmi alleged that armed 1950s and 60s, and then began a steady decline. interest’ criteria such as ‘unique and special Somali clans will torture him. These clans Today for onshore arrivals, it is detention ﬁrst, circumstances’ that would lead to consideration are not ‘public ofﬁcials’ and do not act in an then scrutiny and the deportation of rejected of the international Conventions ICCPR, CAT and ofﬁcial capacity. Ironically, the fact that there cases. On the other hand, if you are lucky CROC. has been no standing government in Somalia to enough to be admitted, you will get a free bus control those clans for many years is lost on the ticket at the prison gate, $200 in your pocket The current Government views that their Australian ofﬁcials and beside the point. The and a ‘good luck mate.’ What happened to obligations to non-refoulement only require Australian Government did not care that Sadiq Australia? it to refrain in the circumstances speciﬁed in Shek Elmi would most likely be tortured upon pauline one of the highest rating shows on Australian TV, the last thing this country needs is someone with now is; the intervening years have brought us Howard’s ‘khaki’ election victory and heightened hanson on the little formal education to be a parliamentary poster-girl for the present culture of fear that exists in Australian society. fears of migration, not to mention the current conservative rubber-stamp Senate. All of this has led to a greater social acceptance of much of Hanson’s original rhetoric, albeit packaged so as One need only look at the rise of blogging to to allow people to distance themselves from the comeback understand the dangers of uninformed opinion. Sure, everybody is entitled to their own opinion media-driven concept of ‘extremism’ with which Hanson was associated. trail on any topic. We do live, after all, in ‘A free country’. However, these avenues of expression Second time around, the stakes are potentially damian thomson which allow the average punter on the street to propagate uninformed opinion clearly show how higher. With Labor doing well in opinion polls, there is always the possibility that the balance of far people are willing to push the boundaries of power in the Senate could fall to an independent Yes, yes, you’ve heard it all before - another dose free speech as it is. Of course, there is nothing such as Hanson. For either a Labor or Liberal of Hanson-bashing. However, it seems that while wrong with free speech as an ideal. The problem government, this could involve signiﬁcant the arguments for and against Pauline Hanson comes when an uninformed opinion is offered up concessions on social issues. And although, in have been done to death, there is something as gospel truth and accepted by those who do not reality, neither party is that far removed from slightly more sinister than usual about her latest have the education to know any better. her in ideological terms, given the media beat-up announcement. Hanson has now informed us that that would inevitably surround such a situation, she will be standing as an independent candidate This is precisely the kind of problem that arose the damage caused may be far greater. for a Queensland senate seat. The problem is not the last time we encountered Pauline Hanson necessarily so much about Hanson herself – her in public life (let’s just pretend that Dancing And with potentially eight or so months to work own views are not always as extreme as the with the Stars never happened). This time out dodgy preference deals before the election, media would have us believe – but more to do however, there is even greater potential for Pauline ‘we are in danger of being swamped by with what she is seen to represent. In the wake a harmful result. A decade ago, overt racism Asians’ Hanson could yet play a signiﬁcant role in of the Cronulla riots, and with Border Security was much more politically incorrect than it our politics once again. drought? be child’s play to the restrictions that we should actually be taking to preserve our supplies. that. There are even plans to buy water from farmers wanting to sell entitlements, but this too is a short-term solution. what The ﬁrst thing that comes to mind to the non- water saving expert, would be to use less water. Installing high pressure shower heads, allowing Water restrictions are not temporary, as Victorians will soon realise, and although the drought? inna tsyrlin the water from your washing machine to run into the garden, re-using the water from you bath tub. Although our government is keen on promoting water saving techniques, they aren’t government can not control weather patterns, it can encourage water recycling. Many other countries use recycled water and Victorians, with our no-end-in sight 10-year-drought, need so keen on recycling water. to push for the development and building of Drip, drip, drip. It’s late at night and I can hear water recycling plants. Even if the water that Add this to our rapid population growth. Further the tap dripping, because once again someone will be pumped to households is recycled, it solutions have included connecting regional in my household - I won’t mention any names, can still be used as drinking water: it may need water supply systems to high value usage has forgotten to turn the tap all the way off. to be ﬁltered, but it won’t come out black. areas like Melbourne, Geelong and Ballarat. Yes, we are in a drought, no, we can’t take 20 Our water, our future. The ads might seem like Government plans to connect Ballarat to the minute showers any more, and yet there is no environmental propaganda, but they carry a Cairn Curran Reservoir on the Loddon system short-term solution for the fact that we are very real and important message: What do we could reduce losses in the Loddon and Goulburn in the middle of one of the worst droughts in need to do today if we want to be able to put irrigation systems, but realistically this is just a history. our taps on and see something, even slightly quick-ﬁx solution, and a very expensive one at resembling water, drip out. At the time of writing this article, Melbourne water storages are under 35% full. Unless we receive massive rainfall or our creeks are mysteriously ﬁlled up by an imaginary hose, fresh water is running out. The drought is now in its 10th year and the warning signs have been very clear to government bodies to start Lot’s Wife Edition 2 preparing for how low our reservoirs may get. For those who may have been in denial about brings you a very special how much water was left, Melbourne is in stage piece of Young Liberal 3 water restriction mode, while parts of Victoria propaganda. Cut it out are in stage 4. and use it next time you Stage 3 water restrictions mean no watering have a drink. Guaranteed of lawns, no ﬁlling up new spas and pools, and sprinkler systems can only be used at certain to make you even less times. We can no longer use hand held hoses to appealing to the opposite wash vehicles, and can only use trigger nozzles sex for garden hoses. People are encouraged to report breaches of the restrictions by other households (perfect opportunity to get those annoying neighbours issued with a ﬁne). However, if you consider how low our water levels really are, stage 3 restrictions appear to 11/ National Affairs Mori enraged at breakfast james massola David Hicks has been charged with Material Act of 2006. Congress passed it in September a number of stages, dating back to 1859. The Support for Terrorism. Judge Susan Crawford, . What was really odd was watching it on third convention, relating to the treatment of from the convening authority that refers C-SPAN…here was Congress debating a law that Prisoners of War particularly relates to the Hicks cases to the Special Military Commission, has had nothing to do with the trials in America. It case. In total, 194 countries are signatories to dismissed his charge of Attempted Murder. was so surreal….they made it clear this would the Geneva Convention. not be used on Americans. It was to be used on I recently attended a breakfast held by the the ‘secret’ 14 detainees that were taken out “One of the rules under the Military Commission Victorian Law Foundation where Major Michael of the CIA black sites and put in Guantanamo Act is that it denies the Defence Counsel access Mori was the guest of honour. Mori was scathing (Khalid Sheikh Mohammed among them) …they to some evidence, and allows prosecutors to about the extraordinary steps taken to keep had to import terror to Guantanamo to justify basically smuggle in evidence that they have Hicks behind bars. He singled out John Howard this new law. The President signed it into law in obtained under coercion. Prosecutors now have and Philip Ruddock as particularly complicit in October, and again, this new act, very much like the power to not reveal sources, methods and allowing Hicks to be kept for so long without the old system, gave the power to the Secretary activities by which evidence was obtained... charges being laid. of Defence to write the rules and regulations. they don’t have to tell us how they obtained ..It also stripped Habeas jurisdiction. What they evidence,” Mori said. Mori said, “Everyone knows that the old system were trying to do was remove another Hamdi was found to be illegal by the US Supreme type case. ” David Hicks is to be tried as an ‘Unlawful Court in the Hamdi case…(Australia) is the only Combatant’ – a term that ﬁrst entered into the country in the world that has advocated putting The practice of ‘importing’ terrorists is morally American Department of Defence dictionary its citizens through the military commission… dubious. According to Mori, the importing in 2004. At present, Hicks is facing charges The British Attorney-General made it pretty of terrorists from the so-called black-sites retrospectively applied, and captive to a system loud and clear when he announced to the was motivated by a quest for legitimacy. that is seemingly being made up as it goes world that the commission system did not meet The logic being that if ‘real’ terrorists are in along. David Hicks is still truly trapped in a international standards, yet Australian continues Guantanamo, if the powers-that-be can point labyrinthine legal system. to support it.” to Mohammed, for example, and say ‘there sits a deﬁnite terrorist’ then, almost via osmosis, As Mori said, “Not much has changed [from the According to Mori, the reason why David Hicks guilt-by-association will occur, and increase the old Military Commission system to the New]... will be ‘ﬁrst cab off the rank’ for trial under the ‘guilt’ of other inmates of Guantanamo. All these people, the Convening Authority, new Military Commission is not because John the Legal Adviser, [they] are picked by the Howard has pushed Dick Cheney and George Mori also questioned the terms of the Military Secretary of Defence. The same people writing Bush so hard – if it could ever be ‘expeditious’ Commission Act, and the underlying legal the rules of this [new] system are picking after 5 years of waiting. Rather, it is because assumptions. He highlighted a number of all the participants. There is absolutely no the ‘real’ terrorists, such Khalid Sheikh irregularities surrounding the Commission, independence; it all goes back to the Secretary Mohammed, the so-called architect of 9/11, are saying, of Defence…The judiciary will be created by an also in Guantanamo Bay awaiting trial. act of the prosecuting authority. That just can’t “I really liked this part…the Military Commission be acceptable. That does not even give the The logic behind this is that if a relative nobody Act declared that it complied with the Geneva appearance of fairness.” such as Hicks is tried, and the new system Convention, and then they are so sure (of collapses as it is found to be legally invalid (as themselves) that (they) put this section in ‘No ‘Looks like Gomer Pyle, pleads like Atticus the old Military Commission was), then nothing alien or unlawful enemy combatant subject to Finch’ was the gist of Mori’s concluding speech. major will have been lost. Generally speaking, trial by this military commission in this chapter, Just like Atticus Finch, Mori has put a number a person cannot be tried for the same crime may invoke the Geneva convention.’ Really, of ‘important people’ offside with his forthright twice, so Hicks would go before another court the Military Commission Act was not written to criticism of the military for whom he works. (probably the US Supreme Court), and face a comply with the US Supreme Court Decision… Even with the threat of personal sanction lesser charge, and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed what it did was try to create a system by which hanging over him, Mori pushes on. If David Hicks would still have to face the more serious they undermined the Supreme Court’s Decision, is to have any chance of getting a fair trial, it charges that are being lined up for him. so that we [could no longer say that]… they will be because of the efforts of this man, and have to comply with the Geneva Convention. his small but growing band of allies. He will Mori argued that the circumstances surrounding They declare it, so we are not allowed to cite need all the powers of Atticus Finch and then the establishment of the new Military it.” some to secure the release of hicks, as some Commission were murky, saying; seem to have forgotten that it is a sin to kill a The exclusion of recourse to the Geneva mockingbird. “Following the ﬁndings in Hamdi, the response Convention is a very serious matter. The in the US was to create the Military Commissions Geneva Convention has been implemented in LOT’S WIFE 12/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Global Affairs ISSUE 02/2007 ‘Despite Bainimarama’s claimed motivation of wanting to ‘clean up’ Fiji,’ writes Hyland, ‘Australian ofﬁcials are convinced he grabbed power to head off a police investigation into his role in events surrounding an army mutiny in November 2000.’ Pretty handy way to halt a police investigation into possible murder charges, especially when the government being Dirty politics ousted has inspired widespread dissatisfaction. Australian and New Zealand sanctions have targeted leaders and their collaborators rather and the than the ordinary people who, of course always people on suffer most from such upheavals, but this doesn’t quite equate to bums on seats in the resorts, and understandably so. Not only do the paranoid conservative consumers stop going in the street droves – ‘who knows, darling, those nasty army blighters might bomb the Hilton just as we’re ﬁnishing the hors d’oeuvres,’ but those of us who have no great love for violent arrogance will consider travelling elsewhere for our summer holidays also. geoff berry This issue troubled me after the coup was announced (I’d purchased my ﬂight tickets before the troubles began). Should I still travel to a country run by thugs, where a democratically elected government had been shoved aside by the military? My political conscience pricked. But, out on the islands, I was glad I’d continued on with my travel plans – and so were the locals. With numbers down, many villagers were struggling to stay in work, and the tourist dollar outside of the major resorts goes directly to them in much I returned from the newest military dictatorship hawking) often encountered on Asian holidays. greater proportions than in many other popular on the block just in time to pen this article destinations. However, this doesn’t make the before deadline. I’ve never toured Fiji before, As such, it’s pretty easy to ﬁnd out what the current political situation in Fiji any less odious. and looked forward to my time lazing away on remote island people think of Fiji’s latest coup Critics of the junta are being violently repressed tropical beaches (cocktail in hand, of course), - it sucks only because it stops foreigners from (Hyland highlights the beatings meted out to snorkelling across achingly beautiful reefs just going there in the same weight of numbers outspoken businesswoman Laisa Digitaki) and a few steps from the white sandy beaches, and as would usually be expected. On the other dissent is targeted by those in power. generally enjoying the relaxed lifestyle on ‘Fiji hand, many people will openly admit that the time’. And yup, even in the wake of General coup might not be such a bad thing in political The question for ordinary Fijians (of any cultural Bainimarama’s bloodless, but still nasty little terms, because the previous government was background), is whether or not the General coup, islanders enjoy taking their sweet time so disastrously corrupt. The same ills that seem will see sense and set dates for democratically over every small detail of life. Relaxing, it to beleaguer so many ﬂedgling democracies, held elections and a return to the rule of law, seems, is what Fijians do best. such as unrelenting cronyism, were seen and if so how long this will take. The longer as a cancer that may be cut out by direct everyone is forced to wait for peace to return We’re a long way from Suva, the capital and intervention in a way that just seems to take to Fiji, the worse the situation on the ground site of any likely breakout of military force. too long in the conventional manner. I even becomes. The coup may have removed a corrupt Out here in the islands, there’s only one sign of spoke with educated tourists who questioned government, but it has done so at the cost trouble, and it’s the only one the locals don’t why a military takeover should necessarily be of stability, freedom, and economic welfare want to see. As in Bali, it’s the drop in tourist considered wrong. My opinion is that it cannot for the people. This is liberation in no-one’s trade that really hurts the people who rely on be otherwise, as without rule of law, we are language: for Bainimarama it is power and an it for their livelihoods. That doesn’t mean that too soon at the mercy of force of arms (unless escape from police attention, for the wider anyone here is going to starve just because the the human race has overnight become a whole world it is yet another destabilised country hotels are nearly empty - there’s always cassava lot more trustworthy than I recall from history unable to adapt to the challenges of democracy in the ground, fruit on the trees, and ﬁsh in the lessons and current affairs programs). in a capitalist economic framework, and for sea. It’s the drive toward a better life - basics the people it further distances both peace and such as Western education and medicine as well It was with this unease in mind that I read prosperity. While true freedom may only really as relative luxuries such as TV and reef sandals, Tom Hyland’s report in the Sunday Age on the be encapsulated in an attitude, it will never be that stands to lose out. Tourists are welcome ﬂight home (February 4th), which reveals the secured in an atmosphere of military force. in Fiji, and the people are friendly and helpful, sordid details behind the General’s personal with few of the dramas (such as incessant situation leading up to his military action. 13/ Global Affairs Lot’s Watch: The race for the White House her party’s support. When discussing the current This was interpreted by a large chunk of the Sean Gleeson takes a look Democratic candidates for the election, Rupert electorate as being tantamount to an insult Murdoch recently said of Hillary Clinton: “she’s directed at stay-at-home mothers. The lingering at Hillary Clinton and the the best of the lot, but she’s unelectable”. memory of incidents like these run the risk of Murdoch’s own Fox News channel has been alienating more conservative voters who may Democratic Nomination notorious for disparaging Clinton since she ﬁrst otherwise be willing to support a Democratic battle ran for a New York senate seat in 2000. candidate. The next US presidential elections are just Clinton faces an uphill battle. By making New Clinton may also suffer from the legacy of her over a year and a half away, and barring the York her home state, Clinton faces the usual husband. Bill Clinton’s failed public healthcare imposition of martial law, the Democratic Party pitfalls of being labeled an “east-coast liberal”. reforms, inaction on the Rwandan genocide look set to regain executive ofﬁce purely by This stereotype has a pejorative association and a pissweak Middle East peace plan leave virtue of the public backlash from the Iraq in American political culture, that suggests an Hillary at risk of transference. Furthermore, War. While much of the world waits to give a air of elitism and condescension towards the the current trend in neoconservative thought collective sigh of relief at the coming end of “average” Americans. This tact is employed blames Bill’s alleged unwillingness to dismantle the Bush Administration, it is worth examining by John Howard when he denigrates anything Al Qaeda before the September 11th attacks. A the current front-runner for the Democratic he considers elitist as running contrary to the Republican opponent sufﬁciently distant from nomination and considering her chances. ideals of ‘middle’ Australians. This stereotype the prosecution of the Iraq War who can make has been used to great effect against past this idea gain currency could offer a serious Of all the announced candidates, Hillary Democratic nominees, most recently with John challenge to Clinton in the election. Clinton appears at ﬁrst glance to be in the best Kerry in 2004. position to secure her party’s nomination. With To be fair, the Democratic primaries are still a ﬁnancial backing that far surpasses the funds Clinton has been in the political spotlight year away, and trying to call a winner for the of her main rivals, and being associated with for an extended period of time on account nomination is difﬁcult at this early stage. As a presidency much more competent than the of her husband’s presidency, and has made a Hillary’s husband found in 1992, the competition present one, Clinton’s camp would seem to have number of gaffes that could alienate potential for the Democratic nomination can still produce an advantage over the other relatively unknown voters. For instance: while campaigning for her a dark horse candidate to sweep the ﬁeld. or inexperienced contenders in next year’s husband in 1992, Clinton made a remark about Her success will be contingent on whether she Democratic primaries. renouncing the privileges of staying home and manages to mitigate the above mentioned making cookies in favour of starting a law ﬁrm. drawbacks. However, Clinton is far from guaranteed to win Learn Something Different Courses in everything from hip-hop dancing to computing, business, languages, music, pottery, art, massage, writing, cooking & hospitality training. Great discounts for Community Card holders! Monash Short Courses Benjamin Armstrong, Conﬂict 2003-5 (detail), Monash University Collection ph. 9905 3180 Donated by Peter Fay through the Australian Government’s Cultural Gifts Program, 2005 www.shortcourses.monash.edu.au Before the Body – Matter HANY ARMANIOUS | BENJAMIN ARMSTRONG | DONNA BAILEY | LAUREN BERKOWITZ | PAT BRASSINGTON | CHRISTIAN CAPURRO | DALE FRANK MIRA GOJAK | BRENT HARRIS | JOHN MEADE | VERA MÖLLER | SUSAN NORRIE | MIKE PARR |TI PARKS | SIMONE SLEE | JUDY WATSON Curator: Geraldine Barlow 30 November - 15 December 2006 1 February - 24 March 2007 Before the Body – Matter considers the body, form and matter, bringing works from the 1990s into dialogue with recent artistic practice, to explore ways in which our material and conceptual consideration of the body has evolved over the past decade. Monash University Museum of Art | MUMA Ground Floor, Building 55 Monash University, Clayton Campus Wellington Road, Clayton VIC 3800 T: 61 3 9905 4217 E: firstname.lastname@example.org www.monash.edu.au/muma BTB_MATTER_120x165_potrait_v3.indd 1 1/02/2007 12:44:28 PM LOT’S WIFE 14/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Global Affairs ISSUE 02/2007 seige in sarajevo alissa harnath For centuries, the Balkan region has been the (Republika Srpska) which was to include the In January 1993, work began on a tunnel to centre of some of the world’s most violent Bosnian territory. link Sarajevo with the ‘outside world’. Bosnian ethnic conﬂicts. Throughout this period, the citizens volunteered to work on the tunnel: Serb, Croat and Slovene peoples have fought On May 2nd 1992, the VRS blockaded Sarajevo, two volunteers worked with a pick and a tyranny, dictatorship and ethnic persecution. preventing anyone from entering or leaving the shovel, while others took the earth away in In 1991, when the most recent Balkan conﬂict city. All major roads leading into the city were wheelbarrows. Creating the tunnel was an erupted, no one predicted that it would last for cut; trucks containing food and medical supplies extremely delicate operation. A live electricity ten years, and involve the longest siege in the were prevented from entering the city, and cable along one side of the tunnel and an oil history of modern warfare. essential services such as water and electricity pipeline on the other proved difﬁcult neighbours were cut off. The citizens of Sarajevo were for the workers. Many volunteers worked in After the creation of the Second Yugoslavia stranded – they had no way to escape from the eight-hour shifts for six months to complete after WWII, the Yugoslav government kept a isolated city, and no aid was allowed in to help the 800 metre tunnel, which ran beneath the watchful eye on nationalist movements amongst them. runway of the Sarajevo airport. In the end it its many ethnic groups. After the tragedies of proved worthwhile as food, medical supplies, two World Wars on the European continent in For weeks the Bosnians and Serbs fought in and and even arms were smuggled into the city, thirty years, the memories were still fresh in around the city. The Bosnians far outnumbered while some people (usually only high-ranking the minds of many and the government feared the Serbs, but had inferior weapons and no politicians or wealthy citizens) were able to get such movements would lead to the eventual supplies. As a result, instead of attempting to out. disintegration of the state, spreading chaos capture Sarajevo directly, the Serbs shelled across the Balkans. the city from their surrounding mountain It was not a pleasant trip though. The tunnel stronghold. The Serbs destroyed most of the was just 1.5 metres high, and around the same Josep Bruz Tito became President of Yugoslavia infrastructure in the city – more than 35,000 in width. It was often ﬂooded – sometimes in 1953, after a period as the Prime Minister buildings were ruined - and most of what intentionally by Serb forces who had tried to and Minister of Foreign Affairs. Somehow, he remained was badly damaged. build another tunnel underneath a lake, so that was able to hold the nation together and there the tunnel would collapse and the Bosnians was little internal conﬂict during the twenty- For many weeks, the United Nations member would again be trapped. This only further seven years of his Presidency. When Tito died, states looked on at Yugoslavia disintegrating enhanced the danger posed by the electricity many were concerned that his successors would from within. Eventually the UN stepped in, but cable. Some days there was too much water and not be able to continue to hold the nation only for Sarajevo and Bosnia - their primary it was not safe for people to enter the tunnel. together. Divisions between ethnic groups were role was bringing aid to the citizens trapped Despite this, some people were so desperate mounting; Slobodan Milosevic emerged as the in Sarajevo. Initially, the UN secured Sarajevo they went ahead anyway. Ultimately the Serbs leader of the Serbian people, reigniting tensions airport for aid ﬂights, but it became a gateway were unsuccessful in their sabotage attempts between Albanians and Serbs within Serbia, as for journalists, NATO, and UN ofﬁcials as well. In though, and the tunnel remained open until the well as between other ethnic groups throughout fact, the UN did not actually have control of the end of the siege, helping to ensure the city’s Yugoslavia. Eventually, these tensions would airport. The Serbs allowed the UN to use it on survival. escalate into the Yugoslav Wars of the 1990s. the proviso that all ﬂights, passengers and goods must be approved by Serbian ofﬁcials stationed More than twelve thousand people died during One of the most signiﬁcant of these conﬂicts, at the airport. While Serb ofﬁcials approved the siege of Sarajevo, and of those who the siege of Sarajevo began on April 5th, 1992 many aid ﬂights, Bosnian civilians had no chance managed to escape, few returned. Sarajevo and lasted until February 29th, 1996, after the of escaping the conﬂict through the Sarajevo was reduced almost to ruins: the population in Bosnian government declared itself independent airport. Serbian forces also continuously shelled February 1996 was half of that in April 1992. from Yugoslavia. For 1,426 days, the forces the airport and shot at planes. In reality, the The tunnel provided essential aid and food to of the Yugoslav People’s Army (JNA) and the airport was no safer under apparent UN control the citizens of the city, and had it not been for Bosnian Serb forces (VRS) united against the than before they secured it. Bosnian citizens the bravery and dedication of those who worked Bosnian Government forces, seeking to destroy needed a way out of the city – it seemed the on it, many more would have perished. the newly-independent state of Bosnia and only way out was underground. Herzegovina and instead create a Serbian state 15/ Global Affairs Liberating the World is the US a rightful global policeman or is there more at stake? Johanna Morris September 11, 2001 launched the world into a Afghanistan and Iraq. What has to be asked is new era. What has become known as the ‘Bush why he would pour so much into wars that are Doctrine’ emerged after these attacks; a policy so unpopular and would do so at the expense aimed at combating terrorism by ‘liberating’ of his country’s education, health care and the countries that breed terrorist networks. Yet children’s needs? The answer may be that as the years go on and we continue to ﬁght an this war is not about stopping terrorism and undeﬁned enemy for unclear reasons, we have liberating the world as much as it is about to wonder as to the validity of the US cause. Are putting money into the war machine. they helping make the world safer or is there something more at stake? Is this new war really President Bush clearly wants his country about ﬁghting terrorism or is it more about to prosper and he knows that war is very future economic gains? proﬁtable. He will likely see returns on this money as more jobs are created to fulﬁl The public rationale behind this doctrine has contracts made to build more weapons, ships, always been that to stop terrorism the US needs planes and electronic systems. It is a widely to neutralise threats before they emerge. This known fact that war boosts the economy and is to be done by changing the cultures that it could be the reason why the US continues to breed hatred and fanaticism. It has become pursue such an unpopular agenda. While the clear though that there is more to the problem country is currently running a ﬁnancial deﬁcit, than this. The US has used the 9/11 attacks as a Bush has suggested that after he leaves ofﬁce, basis for carrying out an agenda, one that gives the country will be in surplus. Previous wars them the supposed right to act as the global have shown that while it may take a lot of policeman ‘saving’ the ‘backward’ states from money to fund the initial war effort, industry themselves and instilling democracy. They have can be the big winner as the economy booms, given themselves the right to start wars. and this is perhaps what the President is counting on. Originally, this was something that garnered great support. After the outrage that Americans So whether the US has the right to ‘liberate’ felt towards the events of 9/11, the decision to the world or not, and they do seem to believe hit terrorism hard and take pre-emptive action 9/11 has given them this mandate, it becomes was widely supported. As the years drag on and clearer as the years go by that it’s not just the casualties of the Iraq war stack up, public about winning the war. If their goal was really opinion is changing and bi-partisan support has to spread the principles of liberty, individual dissolved. Yet, while US citizens are protesting freedoms and the rule of law, surely they would in their droves and America’s allies are backing use means that would be more likely to deliver off, the Bush Administration ﬁghts on. that outcome. It appears that this self made global policeman has in fact become a little Recently President Bush announced a further corrupt. 21,500 troops would be sent to Iraq and his new budget plans to put US$245 billion into MySpace darrell hawkins the beast consuming our generation I knew that MySpace had the capacity to be friends’ proﬁles (and those of their friends’ will be. But what would you value more; two harmful to my mental health when I started friends) for hours that there really is no content or three close friends or a hundred people who comparing where my friends had ranked me in on the site of any value. It stands apart from just want to add your name to a list? comparison to where I had ranked them. The the other ‘revolutionary’ new sites in that it As I felt the pain of not being ranked a ‘Top whole premise of ranking friends can only result offers nothing of any beneﬁt to society. YouTube Friend’ by one of my friends, I woke up to the in pain, jealousy and pride. I just couldn’t help brings entertainment; a cleverly made video destructive game I was playing. I could choose but feel robbed by people I had ranked as ‘Top helps us to love the world in which we live a one of two directions. I could have continued Friends’ treating me like a meaningless scrap little more. Wikipedia allows us to learn more on my pursuit for MySpace recognition, posting in a pile of hundreds of people; I was merely a about whatever our heart desires, without obsequious comments everywhere I could, number to add to their totals. blocking us out with pretentious academic searching for hours for victims to add to my words. tally of ‘friends’ and doing all I could to work MySpace is nothing about what it claims to my way up the ladders, or I could walk away be: it is not a social networking site; rather, I think C.S. Lewis sums up the MySpace school and leave behind the force that I could see it is an altar of self-worship where individuals of thought when he writes of pride, ‘It is the consuming me emotionally and leaving me an can reassure themselves that they are in fact comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure insecure shadow of my former self. ‘popular’. People add complete strangers to of being above the rest. Once the element of their Friends list just to show their peers that competition has gone, pride has gone.’ MySpace I could not even leave the site with dignity; they are socially superior. Instead of privately is a way to say to the world, ‘Look at me! I’m the sense of self-importance it fosters had communicating via email or phone, people post here and I’m better than you! And 145 people inﬁltrated me too far already in a few short weekend plans on other friends’ spaces in order agree with me!’ months. As I cancelled my account, I couldn’t to show the world how many engagements they help but wonder if people would notice I was have (and of course to receive the customary MySpace lovers may read this and simply say gone. reply which adds value to their own space). that I am whingeing because I am not popular. I am sure people know that as they browse I’ve never been popular and I probably never cartoon by Belinda Wiliams LOT’S WIFE 17/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Music ISSUE 02/2007 management Digital Rights Management has been the talk of the town ever since Steve Jobs suggested that it be scrapped. Sarah Jackson takes a look at what all the fuss is about What is Digital Rights Management quality of those tracks is protected. This is because record companies are more likely to (DRM) and why does it exist? digital rights offer a greater number of artists/tracks for download if they’ve been guaranteed some form Digital Rights Management refers to the hidden of protection against peer to peer ﬁle sharing. encoding in songs downloaded from online music stores such as Apple iTunes. DRM acts as a form DRM also protects record companies by forcing of copy protection enabling companies to limit people to buy an artists album if they wish to the use of a track once it has been purchased. have full control over their music purchases, Encoded tracks can only be played on devices thereby safe guarding against falling record that are equipped to handle the speciﬁc DRM sales. of the company from which the track has been purchased. To be precise, Apple iTunes tracks, The biggest criticism of DRM comes from which are protected by Apple’s ‘Fairplay DRM’, consumers, who say that DRM affects the are restricted to play only on Apple iPods. interoperability between downloaded songs Microsoft Zune tracks can only operate on Zune and the devices used to play them. Consumers players. feel that they’re being tricked or forced into purchasing songs and products from one DRM exists because the worlds four biggest company, in order to play songs which they record companies EMI, Sony BMG, Universal believe they should have a right to play on and Warner, who control 70 percent of the whatever device they choose. worlds music, agreed to license the rights to their catalogues to stores like iTunes, on the condition that DRM be included on each track. The future of online music With tracks wrapped by DRM, it was suggested downloads that online piracy of music would be more readily controlled and the record companies Jobs raises the possibility of Apple licensing out catalogues easily protected. its Fairplay DRM to other online music sites, making it possible for iTunes tracks to be played Why is it relevant? on Zune players and the like. However, one stipulation of Apple’s licensing agreement with Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, caused a major stir the 4 record companies is that any problems at the beginning of February, when he posted a with its software must be repaired in a short letter online titled ‘Thoughts on Music’. In what space of time. Therefore, if Apple were to was seen by many consumers of online music as license out is Fairplay system, it would not a giant leap forward in the freedom of digital be able to guarantee the delivery of a quickly downloads, Jobs called for the scrapping of DRM repaired system if anyone were to crack its on all digital tracks. DRM encoding. The record companies would therefore more than likely deny Apple the The article states that 90% of music sold licensing rights to their massive catalogue of worldwide (through CDs) is DRM free. songs. Consequently, online downloads account for only 10% of business for the world’s four major The easiest way to overcome consumer record labels. Jobs’ justiﬁcation for DRM confusion over DRM interoperability is to scrap removal was that it hasn’t, as was initially it all together. Were DRM to be abandoned, foreseen, had any effect on music piracy, as it would likely see an increase in the amount 90% of music purchases can already be readily of people downloading songs from stores like purchased and pirated from CDs. iTunes. As a result, record companies could surely increase their licensing fee and continue Jobs goes on to highlight research which shows to make a packet from music lover’s world that on average only 22 of a possible 1000 wide. songs on every iPod have been downloaded from online sites. Thus, DRM does not affect a In short, Steve Jobs, Apple and the record consumer’s ability to ﬁll their iPod with tracks companies are set to make a ton of cash if DRM from a variety of sources, as has previously is shown the door. Jobs’ concern about DRM is been argued. not due to an anomalous compassion for music lovers, but a desire to continue to feed his hip pocket. Nevertheless, consumers will beneﬁt The pros and cons of DRM and who from DRM-free tracks by being able to transfer it affects their songs between devices, as well as by gaining access to a growing catalogue of songs The main beneﬁt of DRM (according to record which should remain at reasonable prices. companies) is that it increases the available catalogue of downloadable songs and that the the songs that changed the world For a long time, musicians have the Queen, She ain’t no human being, There’s The song reached its peak of international no future, In England’s dreaming” popularity after a wave of protests across used their position to ﬁght for Europe in reaction to the US deployment of what they believe in through their Though claiming the song wasn’t written missiles in West Germany in January, 1984. speciﬁcally for the Queen’s Jubilee, the band songs. Cathy Thwaites takes a intended to play the song on the day of the look at the major events of recent and now… ceremony, from a barge on the River Thames, decades, and the hit songs that just outside Westminster Palace. However, Major events in recent history have garnered members of the band were arrested due to a were inspired from them. ﬁght occurring before the launch. ‘God Save similar attention from artists around the world. A wash of anti-Bush opinion is demonstrated via The queen’ was released to controversy, with songs such as Green Day’s ‘American Idiot’, Neil the sixties the BBC banning airplay and some record stores Young’s ‘Lets Impeach The President’, and Pink’s refusing to stock the single. It reached number ‘Dr. Mr. President’. Meanwhile, protests against The US involvement in the Vietnam War during 2 in the UK charts, with rumours remaining that the effects of globalisation and corporatisation the sixties saw heavy opposition from the there was interference preventing the song can been heard in The Gorillaz ‘Feel Good Inc’, artistic community. John Lennon was the ﬁgure- from reaching number one. and Radiohead’s ‘Fitter, Happier’. head of this opposition, with his infamous anti-war anthem, ‘Give Peace A Chance’ being the eighties It’s difﬁcult to verify what real effect a song recorded in 1969 during his ‘Bed-In’ with Yoko can have on public opinion. At the very least, Ono in Montreal, Canada. The song reached 99 Red Balloons by German singer Nena was a these songs provided a soundtrack for a moment number 14 on the US Billboard charts and huge hit worldwide in 1983, topping the US and in history. They may have even inspired greater number 2 in the UK. It has remained hugely UK charts. It’s a sprightly little tune you might action from those people who would generally popular in the subsequent 30 years, and has have noticed Drew Barrymore singing along to be apathetic towards politics. Even if that been re-released twice with a cast of numerous in ‘The Wedding Singer’. The track has been inspiration is only due to upping the credibility artists it on the behest of Yoko Ono, ﬁrst in covered countless times, most recently on the of a cause by attaching a celebrity, it can hardly 1991 against the Gulf war, and again after the part of ‘Me First and the Gimme Gimmes’. be seen as a negative. Bob Geldolf was quoted September 11 attacks. Despite its sunny overtones, the original German recently in relation to his Live 8 concerts, version, ‘99 Luft Balloons’, was a comment on saying that “guys with guitars and keyboards the seventies the Cold War, describing a nuclear war triggered can now help to write world policy,” and in as an overreaction to the sight of red balloons in an age where the line between celebrity and The British Punk era in the late seventies saw a the sky. politics is increasingly blurred, it’s more than wave of anti-establishment and anti-monarchist likely that he is correct. sentiment, which was reﬂected in the music of “99 red balloons, ﬂoating in the summer sky. seminal punk bands including the Sex Pistols and Panic bells, it’s red alert. There’s something The Clash. ‘God Save The Queen’ was recorded here from somewhere else. The war machine by the Sex Pistols in 1977. springs to life. Opens up one eager eye. Focusing it on the sky. Where 99 red balloons go “God save the Queen, Her fascist regime, They by.” made you a moron, Potential h-bomb, God save review the cd Klaxons – Myths of the Near Future Bloc Party – A Weekend In The (Modular: 2007) City (2007: V2/Shock) How can I summarise this album’s brilliance in so It was always going to be a little few words? Well, it’s like difﬁcult for Bloc Party. After this: with Myths of the Near releasing a debut album that was Future, the Klaxons have both commercially and critically Dead Frenchmen – salivated upon, the stakes were issued a manifesto for music Wonderland high. There have been many bands Of Montreal – Hissing Fauna, in the 21st century, offering (2007: Timberyard Records) in recent years that were hugely Are You The Destroyer? an album so singular that it hyped after their ﬁrst album, only (Popfrenzy, 2007) contains the materials and I’m pleased to announce that Dead to release a disappointing album Frenchmen are more than just a after. Bloc Party haven’t done this. ideas for transforming pop Of Montreal have made a break-up really cool name. They’re a great They’ve released a good album, it’s itself. “We can ﬁnd things album of great emotional weight band, that’s just released a really just not great. in the future, in the mythic, from the lightest elements – synth- cohesive debut album. On A Weekend In The City, Bloc pop, funk bass-lines, candy beats schizoid and eclectic,” say Party (AWITC), with the help of star and dreamy melodies. At ﬁrst this the Klaxons, “and we can still When I say ‘cohesive’ I mean that producer Jacknife Lee (U2, Snow incongruity hits you as a terrible Wonderland is an album that isn’t Patrol, Kasabian) decided the only make them palatable. We mistake: an unresolved tension rough around the edges; it sounds way to go from their debut was can tear out pop melody and that constantly frustrates with streets ahead of what you’d expect bigger, brighter and bolder. From perfection from the murkiest its fruitiness. After a few listens from a debut album, in its song listening to the album however, however, this ‘mistake’ melts and most surprising places, writing, production, and how well- it seems that all three of those into an amazing conceit and you from swathes of darkness.” rehearsed the band sound. From goals were attempted through the realise the genius of the band listening to Wonderland, you’d mixing desk, rather than through Musically, the album itself – everything makes sense because, easily be mistaken in thinking this the band members themselves. builds on deceptively simple rather than have singer Kevin was the second or third effort from As a consequence, while the ﬁrst song structures and motifs, Barnes (who recently split with the band. four tracks on the album, including his wife) mope into his acoustic progressively layering them the lead single ‘The Prayer’ have guitar for a whole album, the band into intense and expansive Together with drummer Greg great riffs and pulsing drums have found a way to musically Doig, and bassist Toby Dundas, that are now iconic of the ‘Bloc pop songs. They run through manifest the gamut of conﬂicting the band exhibits none of the Party sound’, they lack any of the dance, shimmering pop, emotions one experiences after NY pretentiousness, and instead conviction that made their ﬁrst rave, post-punk and more, the catastrophe of love-loss. So at exudes a genuine intensity that album so endearing. Instead, the one pole you have Heimdalsgate juxtaposing sounds and adding only comes from a band loving what songs on AWITC sound decidedly Like a Promethean Curse, a their own unique element into they do. The trio have managed hollow, which is also partially a restless and bouncy song about many great moments on the album, result of so many of the tracks the mix to form an arresting the release drugs seem to offer, with songs like ‘Passenger’ and having long-winded openings or tapestry. Lyrically, it is a and at the other end you’ve got ‘Out Of Phase’ sounding fantastic. breaks devoted to lead singer Kele fantasy record: an escape into the amazing 12-minute epic The However, one criticism is that at Okereke hurting my ears with his Past is a Grotesque Animal (great surreal territory replete with times it seems that the album lacks falsetto. title, hey?), in which unrelenting highbrow literary references. variation, with some tracks tending While there are some great songs bass-lines and drum-beat wash to sound a little too much like on the album that will surely ﬁnd The unrelenting and driving over Barnes’ now desperate vocals the previous one, partly because their way onto indie dance ﬂoors rhythms of their Xan Valleys touch the depths of personal the levels of the instruments on around the world (Song for Clay, EP remain, especially on despair, or “my own disaster” as each track sound exactly the same Hunting for Witches), in trying to Barnes puts it. Between these tracks like the re-recorded throughout the album. be the jack of all trades, Bloc Party extremes there’s a sense of Atlantis to Interzone and the simply come off as the master of entropy, melancholy, giddiness, Wonderland is a great album as far none. hypnotic mantra-chant of even suggestions of violence both as debut albums go, and hopefully, At time of going to press, Bloc Magick, but they sit beside musically and lyrically, often if the band tries some new things Party have announced they will bristling pop numbers like conﬂicting within the one song. If with their song writing, their be playing this year at Splendour you can grasp their concept, Of opener Two Receivers, a sophomore effort will be something In The Grass, plus a Melbourne Montreal propel you through an clean and voluptuous track to eagerly anticipate. sideshow. overwhelming span of emotions. of techno strings and soaring Michael Kalenderian Michael Kalenderian Lawson Fletcher LOT’S WIFE 20/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Wom*n’s ISSUE 02/2007 State - sponsored violence against women monique wicks State-sponsored violence against women occurs state-sponsored violence against women. happen to you. Physical violence - being chased, frequently in Australia, without question. This beaten, kicked. was only emphasised by the police violence It is not the job of police to assault members against women at the G20 protests in of the community. Under any circumstances. It I have heard too many stories of women who Melbourne. is the role of the police to protect individuals have been assaulted at the hands of the State. from harm. Under every circumstance. (Yes, This violence is not isolated to the convergence I was assaulted by four men on the weekend. even when big business comes to town). against G20 (when we are supposed to have One grabbed my arm and pulled me to the expected it). Women at environmental rallies ground. One placed both hands on my chest I will share with you two particular examples of who without warning have been charged by and pushed, and pushed until I fell back. One this state-sponsored violence against women. baton-wielding police. Women demonstrators punched me in the face. And One struck me One night a pink Cadillac, freshly painted, named “Slut”. “Cunt”. “Whore”. Women repeatedly with a long pole. planted with seedlings of endangered species incarcerated and beaten by their jailor. and equipped with a solar-powered sound Separated from friends. Taunted. I was assaulted by four men on the weekend, system, parked itself outside Parliament House. and now I walk the streets afraid. I can’t walk Two women locked-on. The police forbade International Law directs the State to alone. I can’t be in crowds. I begin to shake moving the car beyond this point. And so, for 5 protect women from violence and the threat when I see men who look like my attackers. hours the car and its chaperones celebrated in of violence. In 1993 the UN adopted the the streets - much dancing was had. Until the Declaration on the Elimination of Violence I was assaulted by four men on the weekend, police returned, wielding batons and throwing against Women, which addresses violence and now I receive looks of pity in response to people away from the car. One woman was against women as a human rights violation. my injuries: Right cheek: swelling, tenderness, pushed to the ground by four male police Women’s right to be free from violence is slight discoloring; Left Upper Arm: Large ofﬁcers, kicked in the ribs and beaten with also set out in General Recommendation No. swelling, bruising - 28x17cms; Left Upper Ribs: batons. She suffered (among other things) 19 of the Committee on the Elimination of tenderness, bruising - 13x8 cms. I went to the a heavy concussion. Another police ofﬁcer Discrimination against Women. hospital to X-ray my ribs and was asked: “did removed his badge before punching me in the you take a bit of a fall?” face, threatening to “clean me up”. The International community demands that: 1. States must respect rights. Government I was assaulted by four men on the weekend, The next day a small group of musicians (mainly ofﬁcials, or those acting with the authorization but its okay. Because they were police. And just students, and again mainly women) congregated of the state, must not commit acts of violence Doing Their Job. outside the Melbourne Museum to greet G20- against women. delegates on their day trip. The women played 2. States must protect women’s rights. The I have a number of complaints about events their music and danced in the doorways of state and its agents must take effective during and beyond the G20 protests in the museum, until, without prior notice, the measures to prevent other individuals or groups Melbourne. That the property damage caused by police charged. One woman fell to the ground, (including private enterprises and corporations) a small contingent of protesters was somehow convulsing, and had to be carried away as the from violating the human rights of women. more devastating than the real violence police still chased with batons. Reinforcements 3. States must also fulﬁll women’s rights. States enacted by police. That the protesters have were called - our small group of women was must ensure the appropriate infrastructure to been viliﬁed, described variously as being soon met with a force of approx 100 police, and support laws, policies and practices to eliminate from interstate, and being from overseas. A 250 riot police. We left once the ambulance had violence against women. States are expected to highly trained violent guerilla army, a group of arrived (which the police had refused to call) report on the progress of such laws and policies individuals acting to suit their own agendas. and were marched blocks away. and to modify features that are ineffective. Anarchists, socialists, individualists. So many Is this what a police state looks like? labels, so much sensationalism from all angles. Eliminating State-Sponsored Violence Against Right-wing corporate media publishing photos of Community groups and governments alike run Women is clearly yet another expectation from peaceful protesters and a dial-a-thug hotline. public campaigns to Stop Violence Against the International community that Australia has Left-wing groups putting out calls for the “real Women. Yet no one seems to acknowledge the chosen to disregard. left” to isolate these demonstrators. And not a violence that women often meet at the hands skerrick of truth or perspective amongst them. of the State. Violence that occurs when roups My body is my own - I will not lose it to the of men come to break up a protest, action, state. At the end of the day, police used extreme force or blockade held by women. Violence that is I was assaulted by four men on the weekend, to threaten and injure peaceful protesters. perpetrated against women held in custody (be and it is not okay. Large groups of predominately male police it short term or long). Psychological Violence against small groups of predominately female - the threat of aggression, the fear to walk community members. This is nothing more than the streets, the uncertainty over what could 21/ Queer Liberation Now Accounts of the ‘swinging 60s’ presented to much solace in the company of other queers, society that could be challenged. Through us in the media make us think that the period where for the ﬁrst time in their lives they this process of challenging society’s was a broiling melting pot of sexual activity, could relax and enjoy each others company assumptions about the roles men and wom*n freedom and a breaking down of the social without constant stress and fear about their should play, or indeed the concept of gender order of the day and the liberation of ‘free sexuality. The queer space here functions in a itself, one could achieve self transformation love’. However in Australia and much of the very similar way today still. and overcome their own in-built oppression. world the period was quite a conservative Radical student activism of the 1970s also Gay Liberationists in Australia seized on a time where social restrictions and regulations had a profound effect in helping change document printed by their counterparts in were still in much force dictating how society’s opinions and also ﬁghting for America relating the causes of sexual and people should lead their lives, with severe the rights of queer students who were gender oppression. The author, Allen Young, punishment for those whose ideas fell outside discriminated against on campus (at that deﬁned sexism as ‘a belief or practice that of the ‘norm’. Many of us radicals would point of time it was still legal to discriminate the sex or sexual orientation of human beings argue that the same still happens today. against someone on the basis of their sexual gives to some the right to certain privileges, Take queer people for example. Conservative orientation). The ‘mysterious’ drowning in powers, or roles, while denying to others society in the 1960s was very oppressive the River Torrens of a gay lecturer at Adelaide their full potential… primarily manifested for queer people, who were “researched” Uni saw the formation of a CAMP group there through male supremacy and heterosexual pathologically by the medical profession in 1972. Students who were suspected of chauvinism.’ and were dismissed as evil deviants by the being gay suffered at the hands of university However the gay men within Gay Lib. conservative Christian right. administrations; in 1973 a gay student was couldn’t quite junk their own sexism as In the mid 1960s the Australian Law Journal banned from Macquarie University’s Robert easily as they believed, with many wom*n conducted a study into public attitudes Menzies College. In 1974 another Macquarie becoming frustrated and leaving the group on law reform issues surrounding abortion student was declared ‘medically unﬁt to after much male dominance of meetings and male homosexuality (but no inclusion teach’ after she published a poem in her and normalisation of male gay experience of female homosexuality not surprisingly). local student newspaper about making at the expense of wom*n. Out of this a new The prospects of the results were not good love to another woman. Her scholarship group was formed; The Radicalesbians, who for gay men. Only 22% of the respondents was cancelled and she was called in for a printed their own manifesto and held their thought that male homosexual acts in psychiatric assessment by the university own conference in Sorrento in 1973, during private should no longer be considered an department. Over 1000 students and staff the time which Radical feminist thought was offence, with 64% disagreeing. . Further attended a mass meeting and demanded that gaining popularity. more, many participants reported saying that she be reinstated. In 1976, the Queensland Towards the 1990s a new movement was homosexuals should be ‘whipped severely, education department refused to employ a gaining force: the Queer movement. This while more ‘kind’ suggestions included long student with above average grades because aimed to unite all queers regardless of term prison sentences! The authors concluded he had been a member of the gay and lesbian their own personal sexuality in opposition that ‘Australians were more likely to think group on campus. The education minister to detrimental and compulsory hetero- that the homosexual was a mysterious later told the parliament; “Student teachers normativity (the belief in traditional sex- non-human aberration from outer space. who participated in homosexual or lesbian roles and heterosexuality being the only (See From camp to queer: remaking of the groups should not assume that they would be acceptable form of relations within society). Australian Homosexual by Robert Reynolds). employed by the education department on The aim was to liberate all people from The 1960s was a period of time where graduation.” In Victoria today it is still illegal their proscribed sex/gender roles (these consensual sex between two adult men could to be a teacher and be openly gay within are two different concepts - don’t confuse land you a 10 year jail term. Hardly ‘free school. them!) and to move towards a post-gender love’. In 1972, a group of radical gay activists society, where people stop relating to each In this conservative climate, the ﬁrst openly within CAMP split off and ofﬁcially formed other based on un-important things such as homosexual political organisation CAMP Australia’s ﬁrst Gay Liberation group in physical sexual organs, and instead upon (Citizens Against Moral Persecution) was set Sydney. The split occurred after CAMP more important things (like that we’re up in Sydney to be lead by queers in actively became more cautious and conservative in all sentient beings, for example). This is de-stigmatizing homos and reframing them an attempt to gain respectability from the unpopular with the present system, as it in the notion of being open and proud, a new public, and tried to distance it self from the would mean the destruction of current sex concept in Australia at the time. One of the confrontational policies that the younger roles and identities, which capitalism thrives main functions of CAMP was to change the university activists were advocating, as the off. It would however, mean an end to public’s opinion about queers by asserting gay liberationists were more interested in the sexism, queerphobia, and other oppression. the fact that queers were essentially just pursuit of questioning what society should It would mean the end of wom*n and men, normal people who had done nothing wrong be on a much grander scale instead of just which might be confusing at ﬁrst, but would and deserved to be able to lead open lives. wanting furthered rights within the existing lead for more time being devoted to more They asserted the fact that queers where system. One woman within Gay liberation important things in our existence. It is that everywhere in society. One of their platforms argued; “…a revolution in attitudes towards ﬁght that we continue for today, as well to changing societal opinion was coming out. sex and sexual preference is needed”. as the more important returning struggle Their other main aim was to empower queers A key platform of Gay Liberation’s new set to assert that we have a right to exist at to realise that there was nothing wrong of beliefs included transcendence; that is all, with disappointingly many people still with their sexuality; it was not unnatural or the belief that societal restrictions such as dehumanizing us and treating us like shit. But depraved. The massive closeted majority of gender and sex could be overcome as they that’s just life when you’re queer. queers who found their way into CAMP found are not natural but rather a construct of 22/ Campus Life The Downfall Of Monyx Monash University’s commercial services be vastly improved. Had those millions of students lose paid employment at any of the company, ‘Monyx’ was established in 2001. dollars been spent on creating better buildings company’s outlets this will come to have serious The company controlled many of the food with working escalators and proper ventilation implications on their ﬁnancial situations. It and beverage outlets, sports and recreation without leaking plumbing, the same can be said. would also be in the University’s best interests facilities, retail outlets and other support to maintain the continuity of current staff services on campus. Monash University has just The reality of the situation is that Monash is in what is otherwise a time of complete recommended that the company be wound up a public institution that receives government uncertainty. and it is set to close on March 31st. According to funding, and as such has an obligation to spend David Taft, (MSA President, 2006) “The advent it wisely, keeping in mind that students are It would appear likely that students employed of VSU saw signiﬁcant scrutiny of Monyx’s their ﬁrst priority. In the past, and apparently at ‘Juice Baby’ will be without employment operations by the University”. This prompted a the present, this is a concept the university in the very near future as the business looks report by consultants PhillipsKPA to analyse the has struggled to come to terms with. In the unlikely to continue after routinely running budget and management of Monyx. This report commercial world, directors and executives at a substantial loss. ‘Juice Baby’ alone has found that the unreliability of the company are held to account for failings of corporate employed around ﬁfteen Monash Clayton to remain solvent, combined with a history of governance, when it leads to the detriment students in the past twelve months and indiscretions in relation to ﬁnancial matters, of the public and shareholders. Following this currently serves as part-time employment meant the University should have diminished lead, it is about time our University, took their for at least six. Juice Baby is only one of a conﬁdence in ﬁnancial information that they own governance responsibility seriously and number of Monyx run businesses. After the received from Monyx. avoided major Administrative stuff ups. Had entire mismanagement debacle one can the appropriate checks and balances been only hope that once the university takes Monyx is currently several million dollars in implemented by Monash years ago, students control of the services, they act responsibly debt, an amount for which the university will would be several million dollars better off. and compassionately in regard to student be covering the cost. This is the kind of debt employment and welfare. It seems like the time that cannot occur overnight, or even over Currently the university is in negotiations with has come for the University to do something months for that matter and is a testament to student unions across the campuses as to how about Monyx, however students must be the University’s poor governance perhaps over the companies services will be taken over, concerned about the possibility of future many years. To understand the seriousness of but the bulk will fall under the University’s failings if the University does not govern more this issue we must look directly at what several management. It has also been alleged that effectively than it has in this instance. Thus, million dollars could do for students across the University intends to sack staff at the students require reassurance that our unions the Monash campuses. Had that money been various outlets and rehire in the takeover, and services will not bear the burden for such dispersed amongst student unions or, dare I in which case students employed on campus Administration losses. We demand a better say, put into creating sufﬁcient and affordable by Monyx could potentially face losing their performance from our University in the future. parking spaces on campus, student life could part-time employment. Needless to say, if The What’s On Calendar If you would like to publish your next uni event in Lot’s Wife please email the details to email@example.com 17th Of MARCH 30TH OF MARCH WEEKLY STUFF Stop War Coalition’s Protest To Take Troops Out The Monash Uni Soccer Club have now began The Society for Video Game Appreciation (SVGA) Of Iraq and Afghanistan. their pre-season. New members are welcome holds weekly meetings 12pm @ The State Library (Corner of Swanston to come down and try out with the club. Pre- through out the semester on Wednesday nights. St & LaTrobe St) season training times and venues are outlined Members bring in equipment on the club’s website. The club’s ﬁrst social (laptops/consoles/games/etc) which are played 18th OF MARCH event for 2007 will be the “Season Launch” for the night. The Baseball Club’s ‘Rookie Day’ dinner to be held on Friday 30th of March. Building 33, Room G02 Have you ever wanted to try out baseball but Tickets are for this event are available from the 6pm - 9pm never had the chance? Come down to the main club. The season will start on the 14th of April. diamond (behind Oval 1) on Sun March 18th @ The club would like to see the massive crowds The Baha’i society will be running weekly prayer 10am sharp and have a go! Have a throw, swing for their home games continue in 2007, with and worship sessions in the a bat and enjoy a free BBQ afterwards. For everyone enjoying the carnival atmosphere religious centre on Mondays at 12-1pm. more info, call Benny (club secretary) on 0403 and supporting the mighty Sky Blues. Further All religions are welcome! 800 868 or email secretary@monashbaseball. information regarding joining the club, com attending any of their functions or games is International Navigators are holding weekly available on our website : meetings on Fridays at the Monash Religious 29TH OF MARCH www.monashunisoccer.org Centre Small Chapel from 7-10pm starting from The Society of Arts Students Ball!!! March 9 2007 Circus theme, crazy times. Get your tickets 5TH OF APRIL soon as the ball will sell out. MSA Activities BBQ, 12:30pm Menzies Lawn. Could be a bbq, could be a petting zoo, who English Conversational Group on Thursdays 12- Monash Engineering Students Society Ball!! knows? Just mark it in the diary and catch the 2pm at the Conference Room Massive, huge, will also sell out fast. bus that day, because booze is the only certain in the Campus Centre for people to learn & thing. practise their conversational Pete Steedman “The thing about my so called radical editorship,” Steedman tells me as we sit in showed just how dangerous he was. According to Steedman “Only two universities in Australia his home ofﬁce ﬂicking through photos, “…is had the majority of student in Australia against The ‘hoon’ that the papers I did covered everything. They weren’t aimed at, well I was nearly going to say the war in Vietnam, and that was ANU with 55% against the war, and Monash with nearly 80%. that liberated that they weren’t aimed at destroying people, that’s a lie. But everybody got a say, including That was put down to the inﬂuence of Lot’s Wife, so I suppose people were reading it.” Lot’s Wife and the Jock strappers and the religious freaks and was nearly everybody else.” Steedman ﬁres 100 words a minute as he keeps ﬂipping through photographs, his deep raspy done for Pete Steedman was a whirlwind revolution contained within one man, he pissed off more voice occasionally betraying his excitement at feeling relevant again. I’m shown pictures of blasphemy people in his time at Monash than most do in a lifetime. Under his leadership between 1965- him riding motorbikes and looking the spitting image of James Dean, pictures of him beside by jason leigh 66 Lot’s Wife was rescued from mediocrity and became the number one student newspaper in the country (before editing Melbourne’s Farrago Paul Keating and Bob Hawke, and the ﬂicking is eventually drawn to a halt as we stumble across a few black and white pictures of gorgeous nude and making that number one). He wasn’t afraid girls. His gaze rests on one for a second before of the powers that be and was one of the best becoming embarrassed and closing the book. practitioners of offset tabloid newspapers in “She looked upset, I think she’d left me. I was the country. Steedman was the ﬁrst student to cheating on her.” ever be disciplined at Monash, charged with ‘using language unbecoming of a student to an I ask him about his reputation as an outrageous executive ofﬁcer’. In 1961 telling the Head of ladies man. The ﬁrst I heard of him was from a Security to ‘go and get fucked’ was a pretty friend’s Dad, who would gaze across campus as big thing. He was again nearly booted from Steedman sat on his motorbike in the middle the University for blasphemy, for publishing a of the University (everyone else parked in the photograph of a man (face covered) pretending car park) surrounded by girls. “Admittedly I was to nail someone to a cruciﬁx. The star of the motivated by sex for a majority of the time, shot was the late prominent journalist Richard but what male in his twenties isn’t?” Steedman Carleton, who was then editor of the University quips. He claims that at parties girls would all of NSW student newspaper. “I put it in because be warned to stay away from him, due to his he was too gutless to use it, then all of a bad boy image, but they never did. sudden there was a debate about whether I was blasphemous or not??” According to Steedman, a The former Federal Labor MP has often claimed meeting was held on campus to decide his fate “…the only things that aren’t boring in life are at the University, the ﬁrst two rows occupied sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll”, so I ask him why by nuns. “I was two votes away from being he bothered with Lot’s Wife. “I loved Lot’s Wife kicked out, the vote went 222-220 in my favour because it gave me a voice,” says Steedman. I think”. Why use your voice for political issues and social justice, I ask, after having spent the last hour At one point Steedman was vice president of being lectured on the fact that all Steedman the then extremely conservative SRC (this was cared about was booze and sex. “Well what else quite controversial at the time), was strongly is there to use it for??” He sounds exasperated connected with Oz magazine (through ‘mutual that I would even ask, “You’ve got to change sexual relations’ he explains, the same reason the world don’t you!?”. I press on, you could he is allegedly connected with Harold Holt) have just stuck to boozing and chasing girls… “I and according to a Lot’s Wife at the time ‘has don’t know. Something went wrong and I started the distinction of failing more courses than any caring about things.” other member of the University’. He admits he spent more time at the Notting hill Hotel than I ask Steedman for a picture of Monash in the at classes, and would blackmail his tutors into 1960’s, “Mud…” is all I get. He stayed here for (Above) This is the photo that nearly got Steed- keeping their mouths shut, as he knew exactly 8 years, why did he love it so much? “I was a man booted for blasphemy, starring Richard which tutors were having affairs with students. young bloke coming from a repressed situation, Carleton Steedman supplemented his modest Lots Wife a repressed period of time, that suddenly found income by being involved in a contraceptive freedom and went mad.”…“I could get away pill racket, dealing them at low prices to with anything I wanted to do, and I did, I could students, who would normally have to be over turn up in a leather jacket and a motorbike and When asked about his time as a 21 and married to get them. He ﬁrst employed it was just amazing.” Federal Labor MP, Steedman, in his the services of Michael Leunig who was living usual colourful language, provided next door to him, once stole a couch from a What about Universities today, what did he me with the following insights on Melbourne University professor so he could think of our generation? “Modern Universities fornicate in the Farrago ofﬁce and admits are fucked.” he complains. He got into Monash current politics that I’d be a fool not to once have had sex with two older women with terrible grades (after being expelled form to publish. in order to secure advertising for one of his Wesley due to his blatant disregard of authority, papers. running his own gambling ring at the age of 13) “I think Howard is starting to look older and After spending 8 years at University Steedman and doesn’t agree with the current ﬁxation on starting to falter. What people mustn’t forget never ﬁnished his undergraduate degree, he academic standards, and how little importance is that man lies in his fucking sleep!” explained (somewhat jokingly), “If you’re going is placed upon life experience. “You’ve all “Kim Carr is a fucking Neo Stalinist” to be a fair dinkum radical, part of the game been hyped up at school, you’ve never done “Steven Conroy is an evil little chunk of shit was that you didn’t get your degree, otherwise anything, all you do is study,” he moans, “Then and he should be put down.” you’re sucking up to the system.” you get sent out and become a boring little “You’d have to remove them (Carr and asshole like the rest of society, with no fun Conroy) and a few of their accolades and According to the Age, Steedman was one of the at all, rather than what you should be doing we’d have a chance of bringing democracy government’s most feared anti-Vietnam war at University which is drinking, taking drugs, back to the Labor party.” protestors, to the point where he was singled rooting and working out where you’re going to “The Greens are fucking liars.” out for observation and a serious candidate for ﬁt into society at a later date…Education is a arrest. Research into activism surrounding the secondary thing.” Vietnam war on Australian Universities in 1967 24/ Campus Life 10 Things That Get Our Goat 1/ The fact that all the employees become a minority and get spat at, or food to stay alive, you dickhead! at Wholefoods are so skinny. It’s like, insulted just for the sake of their race, employ some fat people you prejudiced just so they know what being offended 8/ The fact that asking someone who wankers. is all about. they voted for in an election is taboo. We don’t live in Mussolini’s Italy, people 2/ The Christians on campus who are 5/ People asking: “What natio are you”? should be proud of who they voted for, parading around under the banner of What the hell does it matter to you? and ready to explain (or defend) their ‘Student Life’. Worst of luck to the And when did this question become so decisions. ﬁrst years who got sucked in. Come important that ‘nationality’ had to be up to the Lot’s Wife ofﬁce and we will abbreviated? 9/ The longer you stay on the telephone make you blueberry pancakes, without ﬁghting a phone bill the more condemning sexual promiscuity! 6/ The fact that the coke machines in discount they give you. the campus centre say on them insert It’s a waste of everyone’s friggin’ time. 3/ People who think Ipods are more ‘dimes, nickels or quarters here’. Um, And why are they encouraging rudeness? than a long playing $400 walkman. or dollars and cents maybe? Why have Plus, if Telstra buggers up the phone Alongside this goes the assumption that these machines not been deported for lines, why do we have to spend money in all cases ‘digital’ is synonymous with being unaustralian? on a mobile call when phoning them to the word ‘best’. ﬁx it? It makes me sick! 7/ When people comment that you must 4/ Customers at Coles who tell me it be hungry because of the amount of 10/ Guys who say “Listen here girlie!” offends them when I eat grapes in the food on your plate. Standard reply: Fuck off! supermarket. Offends them, what do It’s like yeah that’s right, I am hungry, they care? My goodness! They ought to and thank god for that because I need The Ofﬁcial Monash Guide To Beers! Arranged for your drinking pleasure... SKID MARK OF St. George, 5/10. THE CAMPUS One of the latest offerings from Boags and Sons, although way over the top. The tastes of light St. George certainly adds to their repertoire, citrus are brief and its ‘premium’ tag belies though what it adds I am unsure. It is an its lack of depth. (Premium seemingly being attempt to move away from the more bitter industry talk for adding a $1 to each beer.) varieties and into a lighter-hopped beer which, as the bottle suggests, has citrus ﬂavorings. This beer will not sway the VB crowd, who want it bitter and cheap, and those who seek more In many ways this beer reﬂects the than just the intoxicating frenzies will ﬁnd it’s extraordinary change in beer drinking habits taste lacklustre. over the last decade, with boutique beers on the rise, and draught and bitter varieties on Sold in four packs. the decline. Boag’s St. George, however, is Drink with: Morrocan cous-cous, light curries no dragon slayer. It seeks to be everything to and heavy salads. everyone, and falls somewhere inbetween white Drink: on a cool summers day/evening or at beers such as Höegaarden and Mexican style home alone in the dark. Above (Right): cerveza’s like Corona. Samuel Kastelan - Mat Hilikari St George lacks the summer refresher (Secretary of the MSA) qualities of Corona or the depth of Höegaarden, a citrus-hopped comparison, perfect for “I like the patriarchy. It autumn. The foam is neither thick nor luscious, serves my interests!” with the bubbles being of a similar disposition, Photos compliments of Andre Tan If your face is circled, come up to the Lot’s Ofﬁce to collect a free 6-pack Be the first person to circle the following items in the Where’s Johnny puzzle and come up to the Lot’s Office to pick up a Lot’s Wife gift pack! Wizard Whitebeard Wally John Howard (twice) Pauline Hanson Brian Burke (he’s everywhere! Find each one!) Peter Costello A number to prank call (9822 4422) A stoned bird A pregnant Tony Abbott CK REVE LLERS THE WOODSTO E TO EARD CAM D WHITEB THE WIZAR THINGS NNY AND D DRUGS, THEN JOH SIC, SEX AN E LA ND OF MU HNNY CK, TO TH RE. AND JO WOODSTO SEEN BEFO JOHNNY HAD EVER PLAY, NO LITTLE HENDRIX W JIMMY HEN HE OF HIS LIFE - HE SA TT. AND W THE TIME AND ABBO HAD OSTELLO BURKEY, C ON HIS IS MATES ONTINUE P WITH H AVE AND C CAUGHT U AS TIME TO LE , AND IT W O RIPPED. E SCROLL D THAT H E WAS TO FOUND TH NNY FOUN LE JOH POOR LITT JOURNEY, LOT’S WIFE 30/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Lifestyle ISSUE 02/2007 Cooking With Schapelle There are many beneﬁts to getting stoned by eating, rather than smoking. It eliminates some health risks, and it is more discrete to munch on a cake than rip a bong in the middle of a party. Theoretically, you are probably less likely to get done for possession if your weed is packed neatly into a loaf, rather than spilling out of a mix bowl. However, the key to ingesting weed safely is patience because once you’ve punched a whole pile of hash cookies into your face, there is no going back so try to avoid messing yourself up. Unless of course, seeing green dragons and laying in the fetal position on a bathroom ﬂoor for a few hours is your idea of a good time. Now hippies, it’s time to save the world, but before we do, let’s take some time out to get ripped and play a bit of frisbee. After all, university is about fun, experimentation and experience. So, here are some great recipes: Recipe 2: Vodka that’s ripped Recipe 3: Stoner’s Spaghetti (Here is a recipe that even a ‘dope’ could Sauce follow!) (This recipe is rumoured to be a wonderful hangover cure, presumably due to the anti nausea properties in marijuana. It’s little Ingredients wonder this amazing drug is used for medicinal purposes!) 1 bottle of vodka (around 750ml) 1 to 2 grams on chopped Marijuana, stems and Ingredients all ½ a cup of chopped weed Instructions 2 table spoons of olive oil 1 can of tomato paste 1. Consume a few shots of vodka (for fun 2 chopped tomatoes and to avoid overﬂowing the bottle ½ a chopped onion later). 1 pinch of pepper Recipe 1: The Bob Brownies 2. Funnel your chopped (or ground) weed (These babies have been tarted up a little since 1 can of water into the vodka bottle. 1 clove of minced garlic Grandma’s originals!) 3. Replace lid and store bottle in a cool 1 bay leaf dark place (like a pantry), for a 1 pinch of thyme (optional) Ingredients minimum of 3 weeks. ½ a teaspoon of salt 4. Strain the weed out of the vodka and 1 gram of ground weed replace vodka into the bottle. Instructions 200g butter (margarine won’t work) 5. Pour half a shot into a glass and add a 200g unsweetened chocolate mixer. 1. Heat oil in a large pot and add chopped 250g sugar 6. Effects will be felt as soon as 5-10 onion. 4 eggs minutes. 2. When onions are browned add the 200g ﬂour remainder of the ingredients, adding a splash of vanilla essence Note: Don’t go to town on this mixture too the water slowly and the salt last. 100g dark chocolate quickly. A friend of mine had too much and 3. Cover the mixture and it to simmer for became paranoid and confused. She said she two hours. Then serve it over spaghetti. Instructions couldn’t tell if she had to pee or she was just Buon Appetite! cold. It can get messy…. 1. Melt butter in saucepan over a low heat I hope that these recipes are enjoyed by 2. Once butter has begun bubbling, mix in students throughout the year, particularly ﬁrst the ground up weed and stir it for at years who may be just beginning to dabble in least 10 minutes. Avoid letting the illicits. The only other advice I can offer you is mixture steam too much. that when they say that smoking pot makes you 3. Melt the chocolate into the butter, unmotivated- they’re wrong! You can still do stirring constantly. everything you would straight, you just realise 4. Once all the chocolate has melted add it’s not worth the fucking effort. And next time the vanilla essence. someone tells you that smoking pot is wrong, 5. Remove mixture from heat and stir in tell them that a great man (Willie Nelson) once sugar, little by little. said that Marijuana is not a drug. It’s but a 6. Beat the eggs and mix them in herb or a ﬂower that God put here. And God 7. Stir the ﬂour into the mixture. put it here because he wants it to grow. So 8. Use an electric mixer on low to get all what gives the government the right to fuck it the lumps out of the mixture. all up? 9. Break the dark chocolate into individual pieces and stir in. 10. Pour the mix into a shallow pan and bake in the oven on a medium heat for around 40 minutes. Test them with a toothpick when you think they are done and happy munching!! 29/ Lifestyle hi ng at Lo ’s a nd ald ng cDon ki M Pu in - Lawson Fletcher since been and hopefully will always be my last McDonalds meal. Everything seemed as normal seat – as there was no franchise close to Monash and innocuous as any other time, as we stood Clayton I was fortunately forced to eat at The in line and then ordered a small cheeseburger Sometimes the skinniest of people can Den, and various other more respectable dining meal each. But upon sitting down amongst the live so ‘fat’. I am one of these people. institutions that litter the campus. Yet this was revellers, the tragic man shaking over a bottle Since some point in the gaping hole of only lunch for three days of the week. I’d still of wine and the glassy-eyed student staff, I a holiday between ﬁnishing Year 12 and ﬁnd myself gulping down a Quarter Pounder ingested the most feral meal I’ve ever eaten. beginning uni I developed an addiction meal on the way to work, or forgoing cooking Don’t get me wrong – there wasn’t a hair or to eating McDonalds. I’d always liked some pasta for an easy trip to the drive-thru some other disgusting foreign object lodged the stuff, but it was in that summer when at home alone. Then uni stopped and I in the burger, in fact the quality of the meal of 2005/6, when the golden arches was off again, consuming the shit almost once would have likely passed as ﬁne on a normal had ﬁrmly solidiﬁed their standing in every day for weeks straight. day at McDonalds. Yet everything about it the quaint coastal town I called home was off-putting: the chips - cold, over-salted, (despite ﬁery stickers emblazoned over Nothing made sense about it. I’d come up with so saturated in cooking oil that ﬁnding bits many residents cars declaring “Keep justiﬁcations for why I ate it. The taste - yes of ‘potato’ was like striking gold; the burger Torquay Mac Free”), that I started eating that’s a big one but I’d honestly go a well-made – tepid, slapped together, with cheese unmelted it like it was going out of fashion. sandwich over a greasy Big Mac any day. The yet somehow the patty massively over-cooked, speed and affordability – in a way, it’s easy, but and a ﬁlm of grease across the bun that almost Having not much to do until uni started, I’d ﬁnd at some point I started adding a cheeseburger shone a reﬂection; the drink – of course, it was myself rising at 12 or later and hopping in the to my large McValue meal and along with their ﬂat. I felt so unwell after eating this, and as I car for a trip to the drive-thru for a breaky- incessant and sneaky price increases of 15 walked back to the car with Leanne I sat there lunch from Maccas. I started to learn the names thinking to myself, “I don’t feel like eating this of the drive-thru cashiers, and was thoroughly ‘If I was in the mood for ever again”. I made a silent pact with myself to embarrassed by this; however it certainly not eat the stuff for as long as I could. didn’t stop me. I knew I shouldn’t have been intellectualising, I’d probably suggest eating it that often (I’d seen Super Size Me), I that this sort of thing is symptomatic It’s around a month since that night (probably knew McDonalds were the symbol for all that of our feeding-tube attachment to more by the time this goes to print) and at the is despicable about capitalism (I’d read Fast American culture that has been on the time of writing I haven’t eaten a scrap of food Food Nation), I knew there was better, healthier rise since Britain lost its parent culture from that grease warehouse. I have gloated food in the fridge – but none of this stopped role somewhere amidst WW2.’ unnecessarily about giving it up only days into me. That’s the thing about McDonalds, it’s the my hiatus – as if kicking McDonalds was either a) modern culinary doublethink that I’m sure so about as hard as getting off the junk, or b) an many of its customers go through. Something cents every six months or so, my cheap lunch amazing act of human brilliance that somehow like “I know this is shit for me, I know was now clocking in at $8.50 a meal. As for made me a better person. It doesn’t, of course McDonalds exploits every person that comes speed, I would wilfully sit in the drive-thru – McDonalds will continue to fuck the world, and under its midst, I know I’m eating something line for upwards of ten minutes when on a everyone’s stomachs, whatever I choose to eat, that barely classiﬁes as food, but hey it’s tasty lunch break at work (which only lasts half an and my reasons for giving up (I had a bad meal, I and what the fuck I’ll eat it anyway!” hour) – meaning I’d get maybe ﬁve minutes to don’t want to have a gut) weren’t that altruistic guzzle it down in the car on my way back to the at all. But that fucker is gone. I’ve also been If I was in the mood for intellectualising, I’d grind. Despite all this, all of the ideological, substituting it somewhat, eating at Grill’d and probably suggest that this sort of thing is economical, political, temporal and above-all souvlaki places more than I used to, but lately symptomatic of our feeding-tube attachment to health problems of engaging with this monolith, I’ve been weaning myself off these venues American culture that has been on the rise since I continued on. as well, and can honestly say that dropping Britain lost its parent culture role somewhere Maccas is the ﬁrst step to a healthy lifestyle. I amidst WW2. Eating and therefore supporting Until one fateful night when coming back late feel free, happy, energetic, and I’m starting to McDonalds means you are: selﬁsh, lazy, duped, from the Espy with my girlfriend (Leanne), we see muscles, rather than blobs, appear on my ‘doing anything as long as it feels (tastes) good’ both decided we were peckish, and so stopped stomach again. – in short, you are an American. But I’m not in by the 24-hour McDonalds on Swanston Street, the mood for intellectualising. the one just down from Flinders St Station. And So this is a call to all those out there under it was here, in this shiny, McDonalds version the sway of the golden arches. Give it up – it’s As uni began, my habits took a bit of a back of modern decor, that I consumed what has not that hard, you already know you should – liberate your intestines. LOT’S WIFE 28/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Lifestyle ISSUE 02/2007 - Naomi Snell Animal Rescue Raid Exposes Unhappy Hens Photographs from the raid taken on February 21st, 2007 The name ‘Happy Hens Egg World’ conjures up will continue and has urged anyone against ani- This is where the plot thickens, as the stance images of carefree hens roaming free in green mal cruelty to get involved in the ﬁght. of the RSPCA on battery farms is somewhat pastures, living a blissful life with not a worry ambiguous. The RSPCA have a long standing in the world. Unfortunately nothing could be The Monash Clayton campus produced its own connection with PACEFARMS, who are the larg- further from the truth. rescuer in ﬁrst year Arts student, Callum Bryant. est producer of battery eggs in Australia. The Bryant took on the rescue mission, choosing not RSPCA endorse PACEFARMS barn laid eggs and On February 21st Animal Liberation Victoria’s to conceal his identity, and whilst this leaves PACEFARMS have donated a signiﬁcant amount (ALV) rescue team conducted its twenty-third him and fellow rescuers open to prosecution, of money to the RSPCA. Frank Pace (who runs raid on the euphemistically named farm which, the group are willing to face the consequences PACEFARMS) is also a close personal friend of in a tragic irony, happens to be the largest bat- for their cause. Bryant stated, “I’d love to do Hugh Wirth who has been the President of the tery hen factory in Victoria. jail time. Jail’s got some real prospects”. He RSPCA for over 30 years, as well as a close per- also noted that whilst conducting the raid, he sonal friend and business associate of Guido and In order to gain entry to the farm, the rescue kept wondering, “which ones are the happy Vince Colla, the two brothers who own Happy team had to squeeze through an electriﬁed hens?” Hens Egg World. And, back in 1994, when res- fence, while evading guard dogs and security cues began at Happy Hens, Hugh Wirth advised lights on their way to the sheds. The conditions Bryant began volunteering with ALV eight the Colla brothers to “up their security,” which confronting them upon entry were shocking and months ago because he believed that the rights they did. At present the RSPCA has declined to astoundingly barbaric, yet regrettably far from of animals needed protecting and he states that comment this claim. surprising. The hens were kept in cruel and the rescues are about “going into places where ﬁlthy cages, so small and overcrowded that the animals are suffering, exposing and recording ALV is currently planning to increase pressure birds were barely able to stand up. Additionally, conditions, and getting the animals out.” on battery egg producers and since the raid at many of the birds had been cannibalised. Happy Hens has vowed to increase future res- Whilst ALV has taken on this issue and presented cue efforts. The rule of law will not deter the Serial activist and founder of ALV, Patty Mark, the RSPCA with evidence of the mistreatment animal rights activists like Byrant, who said, “I described the scene. “[T]he birds are scream- of hens, the RSPCA is not tackling the issue. In won’t feel any remorse if prosecuted, however ing, dead bodies are rotting in cages, bins of a letter to Patty Mark, Greg Boland (the Inspec- I would feel remorse, if I was to stand back and dead bodies are left in the sheds and sick and torate Services Manager of the RSPCA) stated, do nothing as the dignity of an entire species is exhausted animals are left to fend for them- “You would be aware that we currently have 14 stamped out”. selves in tiny cages with nowhere to move”. Ms Inspectors to investigate cruelty issues across Mark said that the sheds themselves were ﬁlthy the State. The drought has impacted severely The birds taken from the rescue mission at and had an overpowering smell. on the whole State, with increased complaints Happy Hens Egg World are now being cared for coming through to the RSPCA. This has resulted as pets in and around Melbourne. All up, the rescue team recovered 18 malnour- in a much heavier and increased work load for ished and balding birds, that being as many as inspectors. The Department of Primary Industry they could care for. And while with each raid is the most appropriate to investigate these the rescue team face possible trespass charges, matters. As such, I have forwarded your email Ms Mark has vowed that such rescue missions through to them to investigate further.” 31/ Lifestyle ‘COCKBURGER’, AND OTHER SUCH THINGS TO EXPERIENCE! Most larger-breasted women (and perhaps some in front of you while you enjoy your moments of eval accent and describe your proposed sexual men) know the incredibly liberating experience exposure to the world. Don’t forget to shout out activities in innuendo. For example, “Thou art of removing a tight bra after a long, hard day. something loud and obscene to attract more at- bent over in defeat, yielding the duel, and I The sensation that your assets have been freed tention to yourself, such as ‘Cock Burger’. After thrust ye in the back with my lance, which pen- into the world almost makes it feel like they’re all, it’s no fun if people aren’t looking. etrates through thy..”, and so on and so forth. expanding like balloons. In the same way, every The person on the other end of the line will be guy must remember when he was 14, the tingly Another way to liberate yourself is to visit an sure to love it, I promise you. feeling received when his parents were out and adult superstore, such as Sexyland. Oh the he put his dad’s porn tape into the video player wonderful contraptions that can be found! It is important to experience these moments to have a look. The excitement was overwhelm- Especially if shopping for a friend or signiﬁcant of liberation in life, as it gives you something ing! The oohs and aahs always sounded too loud, other. One particular item that caught my eye to talk about when you’re older. The ﬁrst time so it was turned down to the lowest it could was ‘The Great American Challenge’. It’s a dildo you discover that you have pubic hairs, doing go, but alas the volume difference between the size of an average thigh, hooked up with a nudie run or impersonating a medieval Sean the muted TV and the lowest volume seemed ﬂashing lights, seven different modes of vibra- Connery over a sex line are all steps in your life enormous. Or perhaps it was that ﬁrst time you tion and a consumer health warning (batteries essential to growing into a responsible, ma- had cyber sex, with that hot brunette from the not included). Being the testosterone charged ture adult. The sex line may cost you a small United States, its slow going, only typing with competitive young men my friends are, we dis- fortune, and the great American challenge is one hand. It was a pity six years later, when you cussed which of us could handle the challenge, a whopping seventy bucks, but there are some discovered you had lost your cyber virginity to a but have yet to try. If you plan to break up with things in life that money can’t buy, and they man. your girlfriend, give her this gift as a going away are these liberating moments. Oh, and if you’re present. It is sure to make a statement, whilst having trouble ﬁnding that raunchy hotline to For all those people looking for equally liberat- lifting your levels of liberation (and perhaps call up, tune in to The Power Rangers, on chan- ing moments, look no further, for Lots Wife can hers as well!). nel 7 at 1:30am for inspiration. help you experience these wonderful moments in life once more. Another option is to phone a sex hotline, just to see what all the fuss is about. When you’re - Robin Huang The ﬁrst thing you must experience - if you have asked what you’re wearing, be sure to put on not yet done so - is a nudie run. Whether it’s your sexiest, most seductive voice and describe through your house, through a party, at camp or in detail that you’re covered head to toe in on campus, you are sure to feel liberated while stainless steel armour. Now don’t be stingy, doing it. Even if it does get you arrested. There detailed descriptions really turn up the heat is no greater feeling than having all your dangly during phone sex. Don’t hesitate to name every bits wobble around in the wind as you make piece of armour you’re wearing. Gorget, paul- your way through crowds of laughing (or dis- drons, cuisses, vambraces, breastplate, tassets turbed) people. If you do plan on doing a nudie and so on. Make sure you describe their lustre run, make sure to do it with style. Wear appro- properties and whether they have leather ar- priate footwear, because little twigs, stones and ticulation or hand articulation. If this hasn’t yet other sharp objects may be on the ground, and compelled the girl ‘on call’ to have a frenzied you do not want to be watching out for what’s orgasm, put on your most ridiculous, medi- LOT’S WIFE 32/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Lifestyle ISSUE 02/2007 5 People From Whom Society Needs to be Liberated In society there are occasionally people that you look at and think that if you had a bullet and guaranteed amnesty, taking them out would deﬁnitely be a good option. Josh Brough examines 5 of his favourite contenders. 5. Brad Pitt and his blanching bride, Angelina rippling: “Order, order! Kevin Federline, you If that isn’t a big enough hint, the fact that Jolie. Cruise is a vehement Scientologist is. Anyone Following the modern trend to merge two words are charged with a most grievous transgression; who believes in a pseudo-religion developed by into a spurious amalgamation to save brain daring to thrust your genetic offspring upon the power and time – both of which are lacking in world!” The crowd gasps. At least Brangelina an eccentric science ﬁction writer has got to the mass media – we have the personiﬁcation of adopts, K-Fed multiplies. Like a cancerous lung have a few screws loose. Any semi-sane person our body image issues: Brangelina. tumour. with a shred of rationality cannot possibly They are one being, joined at the hip, I don’t Perpetuating his genetic material in believe that an intergalactic warlord named doubt literally as well as ﬁguratively. I’m sure combination with Britney Spears’ is the single Xenu brought trillions of people to earth in a even their sex is perfect. most potentially dangerous mixture since Hitler spacecraft and placed them strategically around They are so ﬂawlessly attractive, so ideal and met Stalin. Imagine a being with the ability to volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen faultless, so sublime in every way. If they were annoy of both multiplied, the wealth to release bombs. (Narrative is adapted from Hercules: one iota more perfect, they would be ridiculed over produced studio albums every two years the Legendary Journeys and may not be as freaks, burnt at the stake for being too and an inferiority complex that can’t be beaten. representative of the story of Scientology). damn hot. Instead, we just um and ah at their It’s a nightmare that wakes me almost every existence enviously, wondering, will I have abs night. 1. George Dubya Bush. like that at forty? Or why can’t my curvaceous Young Shrub and his collection of warmongering, body cause a thirty car pile up? 3. Crazy Frog. kitten drowning cronies, count as one individual The ﬁrst time you hear the Crazy Frog ring tone because they possess the collective IQ of a Brangelina spent Christmas Day 2006 handing you chuckle or maybe even laugh if you’re high single, albeit mildly retarded, human being. out presents to Colombian war refugees in or watching late night TV. But the six hundred Corroborating evidence: Shrub possesses Costa Rica. I spent Christmas mildly inebriated, and eighty-fourth time your brain is bombarded the most panache, the most raw, unbridled arguing over who received the best presents and by a grey frog cackling manically like a two presidential material out of the lot. A man drank the most egg nog. Which camp do you fall speed moped, you wonder what the world has who has the public speaking ability of a turnip. into? Brangelina are the Twenty First Century’s come to. Yet you continue to be greeted by the A man who enjoys the verbal and linguistic equivalent of Mother Teresa and Ghandi. The horriﬁc racket you thought was a product of faculties of a damp dish rag. A man who has as only difference being, they are inﬁnitely sexier; your delusional mind. much political savvy as Mark Latham. because really, who would listen to an ugly Evidence to the contrary: nil. person in this day and age? Their good deeds are The Frog becomes a repetitive techno remix You know you’re not doing well collectively, the mother of all guilt trips; somewhat akin to and, subsequently, a number one hit in the UK, as a planet, when the single most powerful picture perfect Princess Peach from Nintendo’s Australia, New Zealand and most of Europe. individual would, anywhere other than his Mario. Tubby Mario works so hard to get her the It becomes a line of toys, two commercially current ofﬁce, be legally classed as a vegetable. cake but does she even put out? I don’t think so. successful albums, a video game and a TV series Not even an intelligent vegetable; a squash or We work so hard to appear more like them, to and you wonder, tearing your hair out in tufts maybe a radish if he were lucky. do good deeds like them, but we inevitably fall of balding frustration… “How many variations short. You don’t look like Brangelina or Princess does this frog have!? What is it, Pavarotti on Peach if you eat cake. Maybe that’s where we ecstasy laced helium?” I say we do what the go wrong. Queenslander’s do; run the fucker over. The Frog won’t laugh when you’re scraping it off 4. K-Fed. your tyre with a spade. Aka Kevin Federline, the no-talent, white trash, discount Eminem. Back up dancer, model 2.Tom Cruise. (hah!), chronic malingerer, rapper, professional Risky Business, Top Gun, and “You can’t handle moocher, actor and most signiﬁcantly, Britney the truth!”, you know and love him as the Spears’ parasitical husband until dumped via a Mission Impossible guy and the man who ruined text message; yes, K-Fed, not even your wife Oprah’s expensive couch. But there are things respects you. about Tom Cruise that his publicist didn’t tell K-Fed is living proof of the need for enforced you. First of all, our good ol’ Aussie come sterilisation. If he were being tried for crimes good, Nicole Kidman left him for Keith Urban against humanity in The Hague (and let’s face - an alcoholic country and western singer. That it, it’s looking increasingly likely with a new would be a step down the proverbial ladder, if it album looming) one of the crimes listed would wasn’t Tom Cruise we were talking about. be reproduction. The judge warbles, jowls 33/ Lifestyle Milk sucks, but you don’t have to. If you wouldn’t drink the milk from a cat, Resources Audit, reveal that dairy is the highest facts public knowledge. Alongside Freda, a a dog or a monkey, what makes cow’s milk user of irrigation water in Australia. It takes a life-size realistic looking synthetic cow, she has any different? Lots Wife investigates Animal massive 4, 000 glasses of water to produce a launched the MILK SUCKS anti-dairy campaign. Liberation Victoria’s campaign against dairy. single glass of milk. Deforestation to create land To demonstrate just how unnatural the ALV for grazing has reduced our natural habitat and believe it is for humans to drink cow’s milk, the Milk and other dairy products are substances contributes to global warming. campaign involves the shock value of different that many of us consume daily without a members positioning themselves underneath second thought from where they come from. Vegan enthusiasts argue that the claim that the cow and suckling at her teats throughout According to Animal Liberation Victoria (ALV) dairy is good for you is false. A pioneering health regular intervals. The ALV plans to target every spokespeople, the Australian public is unaware study conducted by Harvard University followed major Dairy Industry event until their voices are of the sinister truth that lurks beneath the milk the calcium intake of 78, 000 women for 12 heard. pale. years. It revealed that those who fulﬁlled their calcium intake via dairy broke more bones than Cows are placid creatures renowned for their those who rarely drank milk at all. Proponents maternal bonds. Despite this, calves are of the vegan lifestyle say the best source of repeatedly torn from their mothers, who then calcium is from green leafy vegetables. grieve for days. Mothers are constantly milked at a rate ten times higher than what they ALV President, Patty Mark, urges consumers to would naturally produce in the wild; while their look at the bigger picture. “It’s time for us to newborn babies are slaughtered for veal. look dairy straight in the eye for what it is- food for calves”. Though-out history, no other animal In addition to chronic mastitis, dairy cows are has ever consumed the milk of another species also subjected to having their horns and tails aside from humans. This is what leads the ALV cut off without anaesthetic. This has been to their conclusion that it is simply not natural. known to cause bleeding for up to 12 hours. This claim is backed up the American Academy According to the ALV, the average cow lives ﬁve of Paediatrics who recommend that infants years, despite a natural lifespan of 25. under one year old avoid cow’s milk. Figures released by the National Land and Water Mark is passionate about making these startling Fashion Liberation Fashion has long been more than merely the thing as external as fashion cannot be accom- clothes on your back, more than a random plished in one’s bedroom. One must proudly composition of incidentally-existent gar- display the garment, in a public statement of ments. Fashion has been consistently used, ownership and self-deﬁnition. So I wore it to both individually and collectively, as a means school. of self-expression. Be it to express a political afﬁliation, to look the same as your friends, to However, your fashion liberation need not be look different from your enemies (or as some so publicly humiliating. It may have already call them, “the mainstream”), to convey class, happened that day you wore a ribbon as a belt, taste, social status, sexual desirability, or just or giant wooden parrot earrings, or something the fact that you like purple lycra, your clothes as small as going without makeup and a blow say something about you. dry for a day. But if you haven’t experienced the thrilling, tingling, exhilarating rush of your For the early part of our lives, most of us are own fashion liberation, I urge you: live beyond forcibly clad in a variety of generally identi- directly copying the fashion spreads in Cosmo, cal terry-toweling onesies, followed by school live beyond Sportsgirl; live beyond what your uniforms and parental-approved outﬁts. And to best friend wore last week. Whether you are an extent, we follow their lead. We wear the currently supporting or rejecting the notion of colours our Dad compliments us on, or the dress “fashion”, I beg of you – look deep inside and shape out Mum says suits us best. But if you’re step out of what you would normally wear. If lucky, there will come a moment – a break- your look is goth/emo but something about ﬂuro through – in which your inner style is liberated. green excites you, go for it! If you’re a label queen but you hear a market stall necklace My moment came when, after inheriting two calling your name, listen! Break free of your closets full of my grandmother’s linen, I sat fashion rut – burn your bra, wear a corset, dress down at my sewing machine and made a skirt. like a punk – but be yourself. While never a high performer in home-ec, I somehow managed to create an ankle-length Your clothes say something about you. Let them - Michelle Esnouf A-line skirt from some purple and blue original speak the truth. 1970s towels. However, this was not my mo- ment of couture freedom. Liberation of some LOT’S WIFE 34/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Arts &Theatre ISSUE 02/2007 avi lipski the spook theatre review Director Tom Healey’, in his notes in The Spook’s cast give mostly solid performances, particularly program, describes the play’s protagonist, the delightful Alison Bell. Bell shines as Martin’s Martin Porter, as ‘our fantasy Australian: young, wife Annette, and steals the scene as the innocent, with the best of intentions and a nervous Party member Jean and in her cameo heart of gold.’ Indeed, playwright Melissa appearance as a ﬁerce, butch policewoman. Reeves has created a truly likeable leading Tony Nikolakopoulos is hilarious as George character, a man who is approached by ASIO in Tosakis, a Greek immigrant with a shady the mid-1960s and naïvely agrees to spy on the background. Maria Theodorakis takes a while to Bendigo division of the Australian Communist warm into her role as George’s wife Ellie, she Party. In fact, Reeves has shaped a play that ultimately gives a powerful performance in the is immensely likeable, full of bursts of clever play’s second act. Luke Ryan brings charm and humour and enough twists and turns to maintain affability to his performance as Martin Porter, that integral ingredient of all good spy stories: and for the most part, the actors’ character suspense. Martin’s foray into the realm of transformations are smooth. communist party politics is simultaneously fascinating and terrifying. As he ﬁnds himself Reeves’ script serves the actors well, and being drawn further and further into the party’s though it could probably do with a bit of inner turmoil, his reports to ASIO of his ﬁndings tightening, the writing manages to capture the Merlyn Theatre, Malthouse Theatre The Spook By Melissa Reeves. February 16 – March 10 2007 Directed by Tom Healey become increasingly frenzied, and Martin’s essence of country life in conservative 1960’s desperation and anxiety grow. It doesn’t help Australia. Though the plot is ﬁctional – and that his well-intentioned young wife, Annette sometimes quite improbable – the story is based (Alison Bell), is concerned and frustrated by loosely on true events, and this fact gives the his absence, and his conservative mother Trixie script added buoyancy. At times elements of (Margaret Mills) has suffered a stroke. As the the story bare striking resemblance to current play progresses, we become more and more governmental approaches to surveillance: The embroiled in the complex web of affairs that Spook explores a time where the promotion surround the Party and watch, enraptured, as of fear and mistrust were the predominant its members duck and weave their way through tactics used by the government of the day. It is the various crises in which they ﬁnd themselves. easy to see why the play is relevant now, forty years later, and even though the ‘threat’ of The Spook is, for the most part, a thoroughly Communism is no longer present, this play gives enjoyable production, masterfully directed by the opportunity to pause and reﬂect on our Tom Healey with a colourful, fabulously mod country’s political history. set and costume design by Anna Borghesi. The coming up at the comedy festival... Andy Zaltzman Detonates 60 The Observer calls him ‘a genius in the making’ decides to seek asylum in another country. and Time Out London declares him ‘The best The show addresses current debates about Minutes of Unbridled Evening political comedian in the business.’ national identity at a time when Australian 5 – 29 April ﬂags are selling in record numbers and David Melbourne Town Hall Lot’s Wife has four double passes to see Andy Hicks battles Paris Hilton for newspaper space. Zaltzman on Saturday April 7th at 8.30pm. The Featuring an ofﬁcial apology from the guy who Leaving no political hot potato untouched, Andy ﬁrst four people to email Avi at aclip@student. wrote the Australian anthem, For We Are Young Zaltzman unleashes his unique and super-sharp monash.edu.au will receive a double passto the And Free imagines a world where Paris Hilton brand of riotous logic on Australian audiences show, so get in quick! reads Bertrand Russell, Dancing With The Stars for the ﬁrst time in 2007. has some actual stars on it (Jackson Pollock and Frida Kahlo do the Samba), and Australian Witness elaborate conspiracy theories democracy is held accountable. constructed from mere nuggets of information. He is mind-boggingly good, despite that he is Lot’s Wife is offering four double passes to see English, loves cricket, and more than slightly For We Are Young and Free For We Are Young and Free on Wednesday 4th resembles Ronald McDonald. or Thursday 5th April. The ﬁrst four people to Fortyﬁvedownstairs, 45 Flinders Lane email Rita at firstname.lastname@example.org. Andy has swiftly established himself in the au will receive two tickets to either show. 4 – 21 April vanguard of British stand-up with his unique brand of political comedy. He recently teamed Tuesday – Saturday 7pm up with fellow comedians John Oliver and Chris Addison to write, record and co-star in the For We Are Young And Free is a play about a girl comedy show The Department for BBC Radio. who gets so sick of Australian politics that she Sideshow Alley: The show that didn’t happen The day before this issue’s article deadline workshop production to the value of $30,000. I conducted a phone interview with Alex Matthew Robinson’s Metro Street won the prize Rathgeber, a cast member of a new Australian in 2004, and in 2006 the judges decided to musical called Sideshow Alley. The show was commission two of the prize’s six ﬁnalists to due to make its way down to Melbourne in create new musicals rather than awarding the March after premiering at Brisbane’s QPAC prize to one winner alone. theatre. The interview went brilliantly – Alex was a lively and enthusiastic subject, full of The news that Sideshow Alley would receive excitement and optimism about a project he a commercial production was a big deal. felt passionately about. Come deadline day Everything about the show was new, and it was and I am madly typing up the interview when a huge encouragement to the industry that the news reaches me: Sideshow Alley’s tour has producers would be willing to take a risk on been cancelled. It is not coming to Melbourne. It is not coming anywhere. It will continue its a new Australian work that didn’t centre on a known story or the songs of an established Avi Lipski Brisbane run, close, and never be heard of artist like Dusty or Priscilla. The show received again. a number of workshop productions – the ﬁrst of 2007 and 2008 are already lining up to be which directed by the acclaimed Gale Edwards, stellar years for music theatre in Australia. This news is immensely sad – not just for the before being scheduled for a full production Coming to our shores in the very near future show’s cast, crew and creative team who in Brisbane with plans to bring the show down are Miss Saigon, Phantom, Guys and Dolls, have poured their hearts and souls into a to Melbourne’s Crown Palladium and then to Billy Elliot, Spamalot and Respect, all of which new Australian work they truly believe in. It tour around the country. Evidently, this was have been phenomenally successful either is sad for the audience members around the not meant to be, and whether it was the bad overseas or previously in Australia. Add to country who will be denied the opportunity publicity or poor ticket sales, the producers this the musicals being produced by the new to see something new and different from the announced that the show was not ﬁnancially national music theatre company, Kookaburra in usual glitzy musical theatre fare. And it is sad viable enough to tour. Sydney this year: Pippin, Company and Floyd for the next generations of musical writers Collins. The Production Company will produce and composers in this country, who face even Australia’s music theatre industry is a ﬁckle three musicals here in Melbourne, which goes slimmer chances than before of seeing their one. For the most part, the shows that do some way to demonstrate that musicals as a work come to fruition in a full production at terriﬁcally are international imports – Broadway theatrical form are well and truly thriving. In a real theatre. It is clear that producers are hits like The Producers, or West End smashes terms of Australians producing our own work, hesitant about taking risks on new Australian like Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of however, we still have a long way to go, and work. the Opera, which will see a return season the failure of Sideshow Alley is testament in Melbourne later this year. But original to this. So for the ﬁve people still reading First, a brief history: Sideshow Alley is a Australian musicals do not have a particularly this article, and for the two of the ﬁve that musical by Gary Young and Paul Keelan which high success rate, and no-one really knows actually like music theatre, I beg you – please won the inaugural Pratt Prize for a New exactly why this is. Are we ashamed of seeing support new Australian work. If you hear Musical Theatre Work in 2002. The Pratt Prize our own lives reﬂected on the musical stage? something’s on, and it vaguely interests you, is the only award in Australia aimed at the Or is it just that no-one so far has managed just buy a ticket. You never know: you may development and production of new Australian to write an Australian musical that captures just save a show from being axed, and you musical works, and awards $80,000 every two commercial audiences? If we knew the answer will be supporting an industry that has made years to an original work of musical theatre, to these questions then our industry would be an incredible impact on Australia’s cultural comprising of a cash prize of $50,000 and a in a very different place to where it is now. landscape. For more about musicals www.theproductioncompany.com.au www.theatrepeople.com.au www.broadwayatbedtime.com Melbourne’s The Production Company puts on A guide to what’s going on in Melbourne’s The website supplement to the weekly radio three shows a year. The company is also home amateur musical theatre scene. segment on Joy 94.9FM which airs every Sunday to the Pratt Prize. night between 9-11pm. The show is a fabulous www.kookaburra.org.au insight into what’s happening in the industry www.aussietheatre.com right now. Australia’s new ‘national’ music theatre An extremely comprehensive guide to what’s company, headed by veteran Peter Cousens, will happening in professional musical (and legit) premiere three musicals this year and also aims theatre all over Australia. An invaluable source. to develop new Australian work in their creative development wing called “The Nest”. coffee with.. At the aptly titled “Big Mouth Café” in St Kilda, Avi Lipski sits down for a Yvonne chat with Monash Uni Student Theatre’s (MUST) Artistic Director, Yvonne Virsik, to talk about what she does and how you can be a part of MUST’s 2007 season. Hi Yvonne. Tell me, what do you do? the year so that students are able to learn of opportunities for young people [to express Well, I’m ofﬁcially the Artistic Director of different things about performance making. themselves artistically]. An enormous number of Monash Uni Student Theatre. An Artistic people in the arts in Melbourne have had some Director helps guide the artistic direction and How do you think Voluntary Student experience in student theatre. I guess the thing projects of a company – and we really are a about Student Theatre – though this may change Unionism will affect what happens at – is that we’re not as trapped by the pressure of company. So there’s deciding what will be in that season, making sure it’s artistically Student Theatre? income, so there’s an encouragement towards interesting and diverse, marrying people with Okay, we’re guessing a little bit – what we experimentation. It’s also about learning, the right projects, directing a certain number know is that the poor [MSA] Ofﬁce Bearers who and one of the things that [I’m proud of] is of pieces myself, and overseeing various events got voted in this year – the employees of the the number of people that we’re able to help and projects within the company that aren’t organisation – had to make a lot of decisions get professional work [as a result of working actually plays – things like the National Open about what services to retain within the with Student Theatre]…giving them the skills Playwrights Competition, various workshops, organisation because of the limited funding. to create their own work. And also learning development programs, events, and being a And they decided that Student Theatre was [things like] how to manage a theatrical mentor to everyone involved. In this company an integral service to students and performs team, learning to schedule, to think ahead, I guess I’m also the General Manager, which very well (haha!). The subsidy that the MSA negotiation, problem-solving skills, maybe means keeping an eye on the budget, looking provides to us has been cut, which means that learning to manage budgets…all of these skills for alternative sources of income, keeping an obviously we need to keep making more money can be applied to another kind of career and eye on all organisational processes, overseeing from our shows and spend less. We had a big I believe an employer will see these as quite the technical side of things, running the theatre student theatre committee meeting last year valuable. It’s also a great way to meet people, we’ve got in the Campus Centre, overseeing and brainstormed ways of doing this…[I guess] especially in ﬁrst year where it is very easy to the PR programs, and liaising with the Monash we’re going to try to increase the culture of, get a bit lost. One of the things we don’t value Student Association (MSA), who provide the bulk “Do we really need to buy that prop?” We’ll enough in this country… is developing student of our funding. also be looking for alternative incomes such as work at this level, and if universities provide sponsorship – which is hard for us, but hopefully this hub of intense learning and discussion then the MSA is looking at trying to increase they’re going to provide an environment where What’s happening in Student Theatre sponsorship for all departments. So hopefully people can make commentary on each other’s this year? we can continue to develop with alternative work and push each other in the right way. So This year we had so many student submissions incomes. a tremendous breeding ground for our future that I’ve tried something quite different, and culture as well. we’re being a bit ambitious in terms of student Can you tell me a bit about why you created work, which is really encouraging because what I’ve seen over the few years I’ve think Student Theatre is so important to How can students get involved in MUST been there [at MUST] is the student interest in the culture of the University, and to the this year? creating their own work and watching it grow, students themselves? It’s pretty damn easy! The best thing that you and I’ve seen the work inspire other students to Well in general, I think in order for us to can do if you’re reading this article is to come maybe create their own pieces. I’ve accepted examine what the hell it is to be human and see us. Pop into the ofﬁce, have a chat six student submissions this year, and I will also beings, and to relate [to one another] within and get on our email lists. It’s really good if we be directing a piece in ﬁrst semester. [MUST the complex structures that we create, art is know who you are – if you come in and let us Technical Manager] Jason Lehane is also a really really important… it creates a forum to bring know what you’re interested in. If you want to accomplished theatre maker, so I’ve asked him people together to have a common experience; learn something, don’t be afraid to ask. It does if he’d like to direct something this year as giving them something to think about and help to be quite realistic about how much time well. And we don’t just do plays – we’re also marvelling at what we as humans are capable you can put into something, because it can be a looking at having weekly directors forums, of doing. Student Theatres speciﬁcally are so big commitment. In terms of acting, most of our dramaturgy sessions and workshops throughout important here in Australia because of the lack shows have auditions – but they’re very open and very relaxed. Just jump in and come see us! So what’s on at MUST this year? Semester 1 Urinetown The O Show created by Tom Pitts and Alex de la …plus plays directed by Yvonne Virsik and Jason Presented by Monash University Musical Rambelje Lehane, the Dog’s Breakfast development Company (MUMCo) program, various directing forums and How I Learned to Drive by Paula Vogel dramaturgy workshops Home Directed by Dominique Bongiovanni Written, devised and directed by Steph Speirs Semester 2 R&J – adapted from William Shakespeare’s Captain Baghands and the Age of Cardboard Romeo and Juliet Stolen Footsteps by Daniel Lammin Devised and directed by Zack Pretlove & Ben Adapted and directed by Sean Mulcahy for the Directed by Jenny McAdam Mitchell Monash Shakespeare Society (Joint Monash Student Winner 2005 National The Real Inspector Hound by Tom Stoppard Contemporary Dance Piece created by Pat Hill Open Playwrights’ Competition) Directed by Danny Delahunty as part of the and Eryn Skinner Melbourne Fringe Festival This page was proudly brought to you by the Liberal Government’s passing of Voluntary Student Union legislation... LOT’S WIFE 38/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Science ISSUE 02/2007 the Lot’s Wife science quiz are you a brainiac? We all think we know a little bit about how our bodies work – how muscles contract to help us bend our knee, how the stomach produces acids to break down food – but what about all that mush inside our skull? That giant sponge con- trols almost every aspect of our lives, from our breathing, to our emotions. You might think you know a bit about the brain, but you can’t be sure until you’ve done the ultimate Lot’s Wife Quiz. It’s time to pick your brain, and ﬁnd out if you really are a brainiac. (1) What is white matter? a) a collection of central nervous system axons b) important discussion points at KKK meetings c) the specks that appear when you stare at bright light (2) What does STS stand for? a) sexually transmitted supervisors b) side tract syndrome c) sagittal temporal sulcus (3) When would “mirror neurons” ﬁre? a) when you observe another person grasping an and the winner is... object b) when you look at your reﬂection Between 0-7 c) when you say the word “mirror” (9) What is neurogenesis? a) the theory that God is a giant Brain So neuroscience really isn’t your thing. You b) the process of growing new neurons whip out the word bipolar in reference to global (4) What is the corpus callosum? c) the most famous neuroscience textbook a) the brain function of an unconscious person warming, and think a neurotransmitter is part of – published in over 200 languages your new Siemens F65-4000. This time, you have b) the Latin phrase for mind/ body/ soul c) a central structure in your brain been sprung! So have a read, and learn some (10) Which animal has the largest brain? stuff, and if you don’t want to, that’s ﬁne too. a) Porpoise I’m sure you’re good at other things; like scull- (5) What causes Parkinson’s disease? b) Wolf ing yard glasses, running with your dog, or just a) Damage to a group of cells in the midbrain c) Baboon spending mummy’s money. b) Making too many ‘Back to the Future’ movies c) Damage to myelinated ﬁbres Between 8-15 (6) How do dolphins sleep? You’re almost there! You passed biology in a) They ﬂoat in a secluded part of the ocean school with ﬂying colours, and remember that b) By continuing to swim and turning off half of Calculate your results the nervous system isn’t just active when you their brain at a time have to speak in public. But unfortunately c) Like humans, except on a ‘posturepedic’ mat- a b c you’re hardly a brainiac. You still think a den- tress for better arch support 1 2 0 1 drite is a small insect that feeds on wood (when it is really a type of neuron), and that the spinal (7) The insular cortex of the brain is 2 0 1 2 cord is a band from The Simpsons. There’s a big most likely activated both when 3 2 1 0 brainiac world out there – so get involved, stop a) you smell something disgusting, and see an 4 1 0 2 watching the Gabba and start reading about expression of disgust in someone GABA. 5 2 0 1 b) you eat a really good cake, and watch some- one cooking a cake 6 0 1 2 Between 16-20 c) you smell something disgusting and see Brit- 7 2 1 0 ney Spears shaving her hair 8 1 0 2 You really are a brainiac! You know everything 9 0 2 1 from psychology, to psychiatry, from pneumo- (8) What is the function of the somato- nia, to pseudonyms. And I’ll even bet that you 10 2 0 1 sensory cortex? know why a silent ‘p’ sits at the front of them a) Allows us to cry all! You’re fascinated by all that mush in your b) Allows us to understand why Britney “I did head, and like Pinky’s better-half, Brain, you not shave for a cure” Spears is still in magazines are secretly plotting to take over the world- one c) Allows us to understand touch sensations neuron at a time. If only you could get your head out of those books for ﬁve minutes, and watch some cartoons, you might have under- stood that joke. LOT’S WIFE 39/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Science ISSUE 02/2007 Survival in the melting Arctic wendy zukerman Polar bears in the north of Alaska may be (WWF) climate change expert claimed that turning to cannibalism to survive. Climate “if we don’t act immediately the Arctic will change is shrinking polar ice caps, changing the soon become unrecognisable…polar bears will living environment of the bears, and restricting be consigned to history, something that our their access to their natural food. grandchildren can only read about in books.” Polar bears in the southern Beaufort Sea usually Currently, the area covered by summer sea ice eat ringed seals, but now there are reports that in the Arctic is decreasing by 9.2 percent per is comparable to the behaviour of polar bears a growing number of polar bears are preying on decade and “will disappear entirely by the end when they prey on the ringed seal (here polar their own species. In the past, polar bears have of the century” unless the situation changes, bears collapse the snow over the seal’s lair). been known to kill each other for dominance WWF said. After killing the female the polar bear dragged and reproductive advantage, but killing for her 245 feet away, and ate part of the carcass. survival was rare. In February 2005 activists petitioned to list polar bears as threatened under the federal Adding further concern to the cannibalistic Scientists examined three cases of polar bears Endangered Species Act in the USA. This move behaviour is the wider implication for polar preying on each other during a three month (so far unsuccessful) has only been necessary bear populations. Females are about half the period in the north of Alaska. “During 24 years due to the growing understanding and affect of size of males, suggesting if future attacks were of research on polar bears in… [this] region, we global warming. Kassie Siegal, lead author on to occur, females would be the victims more have not seen other incidents of polar bears the petition highlighted the importance of the often than not. In the two deaths studied, the stalking, killing, and eating other polar bears,” new ﬁndings. “It shows in a really graphic way females that died had cubs with them. When the researchers said. how severe the problem of global warming is for the den collapsed, two cubs were buried, and polar bears,” she said. suffocated in the snow rubble. The change in polar bear behaviour is a Researchers found the ﬁrst kill in January 2004. Currently, the diminishing polar bear population surprising indicator of how global warming is By examining the outer wall of a polar bear den, is primarily linked to ice caps melting. If a trend leading to the endangerment of many Arctic the scientists concluded that a male bear had in cannibalism continues to grow due to climate animals. pounced on the den’s roof to collapse it, and change, by the end of the century, these Tonje Folkestad, a World Wildlife Foundation kill the female inside. This method of attack creatures may be history. Bloodsuckers on Campus felicity edward Mozzies, gnats, musketas, les moucherons, in the mosquito. student who’s just had a long day at uni (we’re stechmucken, mygs, konopus, ‘those fucking The saliva entering the body triggers an immune all doomed!) little bloodsuckers’, or whatever you call them, response. Histamine is released in the area of there is little doubt that mosquitoes know how the bite, causing the nearby blood vessels to When a little bloodsucker does get you, to make their presence felt. There are over enlarge. On many people, a hive (a red, swollen remember scratching is the worst thing to do. 2500 known species worldwide, with over 400 of area) forms, and histamine irritates nerve It increases the itch and may cause infection. these calling our sunburned country home. endings in the skin, causing the familiar itch. Try to keep the infected area clean and dry The more frequently you’re bitten, the more until the irritation abates. There’re many Mosquitoes are insects belonging to the order severe the allergic reaction becomes. Some remedies circulating. Make your own mind up Diptera, the True Flies, and are in the genus people seem to be targeted by mozzies more about what’s best for you. Stingose is always Anopheles – which incidentally means being than others, and some people are not at all. It’s handy. Putting ice wrapped in cloth or applying ‘hurtful’ or ‘prejudicial’ in Greek. Although the luck of the draw. a baking soda paste directly on the bite site very small and squashable, mozzies are proven relieves irritation. I ﬁnd my own saliva works adversaries to humans. Over 1.5 million people Prevention against mozzie bites is the best well too: spit for a cause. If the swelling is die from malaria each year, mostly in Africa. cure. If possible, avoid mozzie-infested areas, bothering you a lot, use an anti-inﬂammatory Mozzies act as vectors, or carriers, for a number especially at dawn and dusk when they’re drug such as ibuprofen or aspirin. Anti- of well-known diseases in both the human and most active. Cover as much skin as possible. histamines can be used in severe cases, but if animal populations, including Ross River fever, Wear long pants and a long-sleeved top. problems persist, see your doctor. yellow fever, dengue, Barmah Forest virus, Apply mozzie-repellent to exposed areas of kunjin and some kinds of encephalitis. skin, reapplying regularly. If you’re out trying Keep enjoying the outdoors kids, but just to enjoy a BBQ or have a campﬁre going, remember, they’re out to get you! The female mosquito possesses a ﬁne, piercing, remember mozzies hate smoke. Use citronella sucking mouthpart called a proboscis. Two candles, or put a load of wet leaves on the ﬁre. canals run up the proboscis - one that sucks Sure, it’ll irritate the crap out of your eyes, your blood while the other injects the mozzie’s but mozzies hate smoke. Amuse yourselves by saliva directly into your capillary. This saliva making smoke signals or something. contains anticoagulants to stop your blood from clotting, allowing the mozzie to have an Mosquitoes are attracted to the smell of beer, unfettered drink of blood. Although mozzies and love people wearing perfume. Scientists move freely from host to host there is no have also found mozzies to be attracted to evidence of disease transmission like when using smelly cheeses, which could explain the afﬁnity a dirty syringe. There are two separate canals, of some mozzies for human feet. So watch out and viruses like AIDS or hepatitis cannot survive if you’re a beer-swilling, deodorant-wearing LOT’S WIFE 40/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Science ISSUE 02/2007 cyril the scot takes a hanging over My exposure to many drunk and hungover people prove my housemate wrong about the effect has taught me that people respond to alcohol of the different kinds of alcohol. Apparently look at the disease that differently and that their next-day response is some forms of alcohol are more likely to give haunts Monash every necessarily varied. We all know the standard you a brain-crushing, toilet-hugging hangover symptoms: those mentioned above, plus than others. There are by-products of the Friday morning dehydration, the runs, the sweats and inability fermentation process used to make alcohols such to read that bleeding constitutional law text. as brandy, wine, tequila, whiskey. These spirits I have had the complete range of hangovers. I are commonly called congeners, which heighten have thrown up and I have been incapable of The ﬁrst thing that I discovered about the the effects of the hangover. Clear liquors, such as moving for fear of throwing up. However, I have hangover was its medical name: Veisalgia, which rum, gin and vodka, are distilled, not fermented, never doubted why I have a hangover. My wallet sounds more like something that might get and are less likely to cause severe hangovers than is lighter; my shirt smells of beer and cigarettes, stuck in your throat, like a chunk of last night’s their fermented cousins. and I have the phone number of Bonnie lass (or souvlaki. maybe it was just a lassie named Bonnie) on a Of course I went on to consider what I may do metcard in my pocket. Although there are several contributors to to reduce the impact of the death hangover. It post-drinking pain, it appears that the big bad appears that most of the ‘white-coats’ promote When I ﬁrst started drinking I feared the boss of causes is ethanol. Ethanol promotes little more than water consumption to combat hangover. I knew that I would feel sick, eat lots dehydration, which makes the brain shrivel away dehydration before and after boozing. I personally of junkfood and the day would be lost to dvds in from the skull. This goes some way to explaining prefer and often practice my great grandmother’s the dark. As I have grown older I have learnt to the hangover headache. Also, the increased famous remedy: three ﬁngers of whisky taken at respect and sometimes enjoy the throbbing buzz presence of acetaldehyde, a mild toxin and a by- regular intervals through out the day. in my brain and the excuse to wear a butt shaped product of the body’s efforts to dispose of the indent into my sofa. Although I have become one ethanol, is likely to exacerbate the symptoms of So next time your best friend is holding your hair with the experience of the hangover, my native the hangover. out of the path of your projectile vomiting, you Scottish curiosity insists that I look further into can close your eyes just as I did this morning, and the phenomenon that is the hangover. Through this research, I was happily able to marvel at the magniﬁcent chemical reactions taking place within your belly and your brain. why there is no IQ in GAMSAT wendy zukerman The GAMSAT stands for Graduate Australian Medical School Admissions Test. As the However, my beef with the GAMSAT does not name suggests it is a test for people who end here (eating Bessy the Cow would not end want to study medicine post-grad. It is the my beef with the GAMSAT). There is a section “unstudyable” test, designed for students to on the GAMSAT speciﬁcally for “language rock up on the day and have their intelligence and English”, with multiple choice questions tested. It could be considered the IQ test of all designed to analyse poetry and short stories. IQ tests, to decide who will join the rank and How clever these examiners must be to put ﬁle of Australia’s elite and become… a doctor! poetry into a four choice option! Picture it: *insert awe ﬁlled silence*. “When Sylvia Plath wrote. ‘You do not do, you Rather than being “unstudyable” (yes, I do not do/ Any more, black shoe’ in her poem understand that I may have invented that word, Daddy, what does the shoe represent? a) Power pretending that it is real, but considering the b) Strength c) Conservatism d) Out of season GAMSAT organisers invented the concept, I style?” think we can all deal with it…) doctors and ‘entrepreneurs’ are charging thousands for Next time they should ask students to draw willing students to pay for GAMSAT training up a poem on the “J. Evans Pritchard Scale”, (on top of the cost of the GAMSAT entry fee a la Dead Poets Society. Thank goodness that of $286). These students receive a book full Australia has a test to weed out the unpoetic; of practice questions, and guides on how to otherwise we might dampen the prestigious answer the questions, with training sessions medical profession with the undeserving poor. promising better scores on the GAMSAT or Grrr…..! your money back. This is utterly ridiculous. It ultimately means that students, who can afford PS: To all my friends doing the GAMSAT this the training sessions, will receive a “heads up” year, good luck! I know you would all be not enjoyed by those who cannot, thus ensuring fabulous doctors, and if the Australian medical that the medical profession remains, as it has association doesn’t recognise that, then we can for centuries, in the hands of the upper-middle all move to Iceland. class. wendy zukerman explores the world of penis enlargements and whether they are all they’re cracked up to be All through our lives we are exposed to penile sensation and erectile dysfunction. in the International Journal of Impotence jokes about “size”. Anytime someone whips Furthermore, according to LiveScience’s Bad Research in 2002. They reported that most out a comment as innocent as “I have a Medicine Columnist, Christopher Wanjek men seeking penis enhancement were within long surfboard” or “That banana is huge” “there is no safe way to enlarge one’s penis; the normal size range, but they greatly someone else will inevitably snigger to and for the vast majority of men, there is no overestimated the size of an average penis. themselves. But metaphors aside, this time reason to do so.” I’m actually talking about penises, and their Men thought that the average ﬂaccid size was After interviewing Dr. Karen Boyle, director size. With breast enhancement surgery being about 5 inches, with some venturing as high of Reproductive Medicine and Surgery at a relatively safe and (unfortunately) a well as 6.5 inches. In fact, according to the Italian Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Wanjek accepted phenomenon, penis enlargement study, a 7-inch erect penis would place you in concludes that the risk of penis enlargement surgery comes up rather short, that is, if the 99th percentile. surgery is very high, claiming “there’s a very anyone cums up at all. good chance a man will lose sensation or the Not surprisingly, these studies are hidden ability to have an erection”. Penis enlargement surgery, also called away from Dr. Whitehead’s website which phalloplasty, includes a wide range of surgical claims that penile enlargement surgery can Dr. Boyle strongly discouraged all patients procedures including penis lengthening improve self-esteem and quality of life. It with normal, functional penises getting penis surgery, penis widening surgery in the ﬂaccid goes even further to state, “With respect to enlargements surgery, stating they “…do not and erect state and glanular enhancement. feelings of penile inadequacy…even if it is work and... shouldn’t be performed.” Dr. E. Douglas Whitehead (his real name, I normal, the results of such surgery frequently kid you not) is an associate Clinical Professor will improve his sexual and machismo image Penile surgery is encouraged only for men of Urology at the Albert Einstein College of and positively affect his interactions with born with a congenital abnormality, who Medicine in New York who specialises in male sexual partners, co-workers and professional have suffered an injury, or who have severe genital surgery, and according to his web site, associates.” erectile dysfunction. In this situation, men approximately 95% of his practice involves start with a non-functioning penis for sexual phalloplasty. It all just makes me wonder what we are purposes, so beneﬁts from the surgery all doing with our degrees at Monash – if Dr. Penis lengthening surgery is performed using outweigh the possible risks. Whitehead is right, and interactions with several methods including fat implants to add co-workers and professional associates are girth. However, Dr. Whitehead uses a more The irony of the whole surgery is that, for the coupled with the size of penises I am going specialised method that he deems a safe most part, size doesn’t matter. Penis sizes to be in big trouble. And before all you boys approach to penis enhancement. This method do differ, but the biggest difference is in the whip out the sock and start stufﬁng, I’d avoid involves cutting two ligaments (the fundiform ﬂaccid penis (which ﬂuctuates between 1 taking any advice from a man who’s name is and suspensory ligament) that attach the and 4 inches for most men). This variation Whitehead – and went in the business of penis erectile bodies to the pubic bone. This is usually made up when the penis is erect, enlargements. A little bit of self awareness, incision releases the penis from the bone, where it reaches an average size of between goes a long way (pun intended)! allowing it to extend beyond its original size. 5 and 6 inches. So one of the great myth- conceptions of our time that ﬂaccid length The suspensory ligament usually makes the predicts erect length, is a farce. penis arch under the pubic bone, by cutting it, the penis extends on a straighter path Furthermore, according to Wanjek, in vaginal giving a longer physical appearance. The sex any erect penis 4 inches or longer, is incisions made are approximately 1” to 1½”, enough to stimulate the erogenous tissue and according to Dr. Whitehead’s web site, in the vagina, and “a penis longer than 8 this is a relatively minor procedure, with a inches can ram into the cervix and cause low risk. discomfort”. (NB: Ram, his words, not mine). Despite this claim, the site does list several One of the largest studies on penis size (so risks including shortening of the penis, sometimes size does matter), involving 3,000 bruising, bleeding, infection, reduction in men, was published by Italian researchers LOT’S WIFE 42/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Cinema & Soap ISSUE 02/2007 it’s all in the clues jeremy splitter Many TV watchers complain that the cluster CSI of crime shows in recent years has produced Focusing more on the forensics and the minutiae dozens of carbon-copies: identical and indistinct of crime scenes, this is the crime show for shows about crime solvers and the crimes they science buffs and anyone more interested in solve. Many search desperately for the features the clues and crimes than the characters. CSI, of these shows that distinguish them from all unusually, tries to be more artsy and special- the others. Here’s why you don’t need to be a effectsy than other crime shows. detective to tell them apart. CSI: Miami Law and Order It’s just like CSI, except in Miami! The granddaddy of them all. Law and Order started the trend of archetypal characters in crime shows. The blue print begins with the CSI: NY crusty older cop and his younger, by-the-book You wouldn’t believe what this one’s about. partner and continues with the well-meaning Judge who is more often than not bound by Veronica Mars some clause of the law and unable to help Typically for a younger crowd, Veronica Mars “without more evidence”. Particularly when deals with longer, sometimes season-long the suspect is very clearly guilty. A solid if mysteries. The show’s clever, funny dialogue conservative and formulaic show if you don’t and pop-culture wit make it stand out as a want too much complication and surprise. darker, smarter OC (that just happens to be about solving mysteries). Mars doesn’t follow the usual template of crime shows, as the Law and Order: SVU mysteries are much closer to the characters’ SVU has some similar characters to its homes and the show cares much more about its predecessor, but the leading characters get cast than its cases. more attention and importance. The mysteries are always to do with sex or children – “SVU” stands for “Special Victims Unit” – and bonus NCIS points for both! Not good for a light hearted Deals with higher proﬁle cases, and does it romp through fairy land. Watch out for every well. Much more focused on characters and second episode, where Elliot “dramatically loses their development, NCIS adds some much- control”! needed personality to the otherwise pretty stale world of crime shows. NCIS is more like a medical show (eg. House), where the mystery Law and Order: Criminal Intent is secondary to the characters. Unless, you Detective Goren makes this one more fun than know, the case involves one of the characters the others, because you can mentally race him (see: Abby gets a stalker; Ziva kills a man; the to the investigation’s ﬁnish line. Unlike the Director gets kidnapped; Gibbs gets shot). other two, the case-breaker in CI is typically an intuitive guess of Goren’s. If you like watching really smart guys do their thing, Criminal Intent Magnum, PI is the show for you. Ignore his partner; she’s It’s an older crime show, to be sure, but it’s boring. great fun to see what adventures Tom Selleck’s giant, manly moustache gets into. ‘smokin’ aces’ ﬁlm review: Guy Ritchie, anyone? The phenomena that is say that ‘Smokin’ Aces’ is simply a rip off of hayley ricketson ‘Tightass Tuesday’ led me to Joe Carnahan’s any other Guy Ritchie ﬁlm or a cheap imitation. hard-hitting, ‘Gangsta’ crime/drama/thriller Instead, the impression given is a man who is that is ‘Smokin’ Aces’, and however enthralling brave enough to admit to his inﬂuences so as to and entertaining, it clearly derives its roots create a speciﬁc atmosphere within the ﬁlm. from a very speciﬁc source. The ﬁlm’s plot He then ads a personal touch that sets his ﬁlm revolves around wannabe mobster and aside from Snatch and all the others. His ﬁlm subsequent snitch Buddy ‘Aces’ Israel, who has has, for lack of a better word, heart. Not in the made the one enemy you don’t want to make most cliched sense of the word, but in a more in the underground world of the Maﬁa: Primo painful and dramatic one. Instead of throwing Sparazza. The result is a well-crafted and all the violence away as a punch line, Carnahan edited ﬁlm with all the signature visual effects digs a little deeper and pulls out a meaning. of any Guy Ritchie ﬁlm that moves at a quick All in all, I found Smokin Aces a well made ﬁlm pace which doesn’t slacken, and a sharp script with a cast full of big names, who don’t show up full of wit that, while mostly fresh and original, any other fellow actors but put in their part to will occasionally remind you of Snatch or Lock, create a true ensemble work. Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. This is not to phil rouse a dummies guide to scopophilia Rather than another rant for the editorial mis-en-scene etc), to increase and accentuate exploits the female body image into something section of the cinema, I decided that this time the idea that the woman on screen is the that is non-threatening and fairly inept beyond round I would give some rough outlines that spectacle. According to Mulvey the camera a sexual object. you will hopefully ﬁnd interesting (if nothing acts as the male spectator-ship, and thus all else it’s impressive party banter!). Basically, witnesses of the cinema will have the male Mulvey points out another way in which cinema this article is a rough outline on the way point of view (hence the obvious problem for overcomes the threat to its male viewers, and feminism is studied and used as a theoretical feminist equality). Mulvey dubbed this the that is the idea of exploration and ultimately background for the study of cinema. From the ‘“masculinisation” of the spectators position’, punishment or redemption of the guilty party, outset, I DON’T CLAIM ANY EXPERTISE in this which means that it does not matter on the in this case the female. This can be viewed subject. For an in-depth understanding of the gender of the person who is watching the ﬁlm, in countless ﬁlms from the past 60 years and ins and outs of feminism refer to another one they will automatically be subjected to the particularly in the genre of ﬁlm noir, where of the lovely Lot’s Wife sub-editors for such male point of view. the entirety of the crazy ﬁlmed world is made information. What I do know however is how the stable by being able to pin the blame on the fundamental principles of feminism are applied This point of view argument is nothing new to femme fatal. This is generally known as the to cinema and how ﬁlms are sexist, patriarchal critical feminist studies, and most studies of voyeuristic-sadistic ﬁlm, where by the audience or misrepresentative according to that theory. literature will argue that there is a predominant are voyeurs but are witnesses of some form So without further ado, let the lesson begin: lack of female perspective. Film however of power over the female party. Once again imposes a whole host of new and interesting the feminist stand on this would be fairly The watershed of feminist ﬁlm theory was problems, due to the fact that it introduces the predictable. Laura Mulvey, with her article ‘Visual Pleasure actual image of the female body to be ‘looked and Narrative Cinema’. This was a large and at’. Once again going back to Freud, this This is only a very basic outlining of how extensive article and the centre of much being ‘looked at’ points out sexual difference feminist theories are applied within the critical academia both for and against it in later years. and invokes within a male psyche the fear of cinematic world, for those who want a much Mulvey’s ﬁrst principle was the idea that Freud castration. This fear is contained by neutralising more in-depth understanding of such things developed of Scopophilia – namely the pleasure the threat with the use of highly stylised there are literally hundreds of books in the of looking. As this suggests, along with one of imagery (think the ridiculous over the top body various libraries around Monash and abroad to her headings: ‘woman as image/man as bearer shots of women in Baywatch), this causes the ﬁll you in. For the rest of you, commit as much of the look’, the key to this kind of feminist male viewer to forget the threat of castration of this to memory as possible, it will make you theory (the psychoanalytic theory), is that men by making the image unbelievable. This stylised sound intelligent at parties and people will gain a level of sexual pleasure and satisfaction image is a fetish-like state that stands in for the be impressed not only by your understanding by watching women on ﬁlm. missing penis of a woman, and thus disavows of feminist theory but also your detailed the knowledge of castration with the male knowledge of modern cinema. Use with caution This is the basic idea, which is then theorised viewers new belief in the power of the fetish though... don’t get branded a wanker!!! by Mulvey to describe how cinema shapes it’s (the fetish being the compensatory object). The formal aspects (like lighting, camera angles, feminist problem with this is fairly obvious, as it LOT’S WIFE 44/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Cinema and Soap ISSUE 02/2007 Putting Your Kathryn McNally looks at the debate surrounding Family First... violence on television Usually, the call for removing excess violence the passion and outrage that might have been from TV is the appeal of political parties like observed in the sixties or seventies, we’re Family First, or concerned parental groups muttering under our breaths, shrugging off who want to feed their children ﬂuffy lies and events which ‘someone should do something happiness for the rest of their lives – both of about’. whom I personally dislike. So it might come as a surprise that someone who thinks the Since 9/11, and the coalition troop deployment message in Fight Club is a positive one, into Iraq (whether you consider it an invasion or would be writing about the excess of and a mission) there have been increasing instances desensitization to violence both on television of footage shown on both television and the and in movies. internet depicting torture or kidnap victims held at gunpoint to speak to a camera. Imagine Of course, we all know that television and being one of those people; in fear of your life, movies are, for the most part, unreal. They with a gun held to your head in a strange place, skew and portray, edit and touch up reality to not knowing what is going to happen. Perhaps the point that it’s not really real at all. And this ‘Of course, we all know watching others shot dead in front of you: is the main reason many of us watch it, because have you ever seen a real dead body? We see who would really like to sit around and watch that television and movies such footage on television and at the movies normal people do normal things like eating and every day. We think we know the reality of the sleeping, 24-7? (Big Brother fans, I have nothing are, for the most part, situation because of the representations we see to say to you.) We know that just because on screen, but all of us have admitted at one something is seen as realistic on the screen unreal. They skew and time or another that they’re not real images, doesn’t mean it can or will happen, and anyone who has even been forced to sit through portray, edit and touch they’re only actors who, once the scene is shot, will get up and have a nice warm shower to the incredibly unrealistic special effects of up reality to the point wash of the fake blood, then jump into their Charlie’s Angels can testify to that. However, it landcruiser and drive home to their mansions, doesn’t necessarily mean that we aren’t that it’s not really real at where they can sleep in peace. acclimatizing ourselves to it. all. And this is the main I don’t think violence should be banned from For example, any number of movies these days our screens – it’s a free world, and as inane include torture or violence to some extent, and reason many of us watch as such scenes can get, they can still be an within the context of the movies we watch and enjoy the story, the show, the performance. it, because who would educational tool to some degree. Whilst we know that much of the violence that we see is We play video games that involve rewards really like to sit around not real, we should also consider that the things for killing, and we enjoy good, realistic ﬁght portrayed to us as reﬂections of real events scenes. Still, we know that it’s all ﬁction, and watch normal people are things that most of us are lucky enough to because we wouldn’t really run around LA escape in our relatively safe lives. For others shooting police, or emotionlessly watch a girl do normal things like that endure such events, they are harsh, sick getting raped. Nor do we stare in idolising awe and stark realities. So whilst television isn’t at how well someone is punching someone else’s eating and sleeping, 24-7? real, there is a whole world out there full of head in. Yet in today’s day and age, where the whole world is becoming more accessible at (Big Brother fans, I have things far worse than what they would ever be allowed to show on it. the simple click of a button, people appear to nothing to say to you.)’ be densitised to such acts. Instead of feeling Kathryn McNally SCRUBS: Season 6 Reviewed With only 5 conﬁrmed episodes left in what is anywhere to progress since most are expecting most likely the ﬁnal season, it would appear children after a ludicrous spate of pregnancies. that NBC’s medical comedy Scrubs is about to Some comic relief is still injected by Neil Flynn ﬂatline for the last time. Scrubs has been a as the laconic Janitor, but on the whole it consistently funny drama for a full 5 seasons appears that the writers are attempting to tie but due to a lack of room for character up loose ends in preparation for a likely ending. or converted. Try seasons 1-4 on DVD if you’re development, even the most hardened of fans Mid-season, however, saw an all-singing, all- not yet initiated. For those of us who want to would have most likely found the most recent dancing Broadway musical episode which proved see an end to this classic comedy it appears episodes to be fairly sub par. The inventive that there was still originality somewhere down we’ll have to endure long, wistful camera shots, fantasy sequences and witticisms have been near the bottom of the writer’s barrel. Those half-arsed jokes and a newborn baby every 15 done away with in favour of mediocre one- who are staunch advocates of this show will be seconds before we get there. liners. The plot has become dry and lifeless enticed to watch until the end of the season and the characters themselves no longer have but anyone new to the show will not be amused J.Cole 45/ Cinema and Soap Television producers, friends or foe? - Zev Zinokurov Television is like a dinosaur. It’s big. It’s bulky. letting the writers wreak havoc without caring them. Then it will become only a question It’s incapable of anything but the shakiest, most about such things as people breaking up or of time — how long until the pretentious, awkward movements. Yet unlike our extinct, losing touch. But Lost is a slave to Television underpaid acting masses succeed in rising up reptilian brethren, the television remains alive and Television will brook no character and destroying their better paid rivals. and well in the habitats of our living rooms. To development within its unhallowed halls. Much spend hours of my time watching television, like a prisoner tortured on the rack, Lost is Well no, not really. But what’s already as so many others do, seems like an enormous stretched out until whatever weak form it once happening is that fans are making their waste of time. Television is the enemy. had is destroyed. Rarely, if ever, has a television allegiances to various shows known via the Television is addictive. Television is the terror show gone gracefully into the night, and shows internet. Through online petitions, television that creeps in the night, ready to steal away such as Lost are no exception. Exchanging cheap executives have come to realise that the our innocence without warning. It is repugnant, thrills for storyline may work for a while, but cancellation of quality shows is a bad idea. And awful and evil. eventually the show will become a victim of its maybe—just maybe, someday in the future— own plot holes. we’ll be watching whatever we want, whenever Today’s television shows range from cheap we want it, without regard for expected proﬁts melodramas to overblown thrillers, with very It is a sad reality that Television simply has no or focus groups. At the very least the prospect little inbetween. Occupying the ﬁrst pole are future as a medium if it continues in its of home-made or low budget shows available shows such as Desperate Housewives or Grey’s short-sighted attempts at money-grabbing. for general consumption online could rile up the Anatomy. The former is desperate only to grab Networks would do well to remember that big players and make them churn out quality the viewer’s attention; the latter is a tired melodrama might temporarily sustain their instead of the usual drivel they serve up. Since visitation of the standard character based proﬁts, but far fewer people will purchase a time immemorial, TV execs have made it their hospital drama. All of which seems to suggest DVD when the show features an increasingly business to piss into the wind. With a little help that people lead more interesting lives when improbable series of appearances by the bomb from the disenfranchised masses (that is, us) they spend part of their time cutting bodies squad. Shows that initially seem to lie outside maybe they can adjust their aim. open and the other part humping like mad. the stereotype ﬁnd themselves dragging on Suspension of disbelief becomes particularly without any conceivable end as they struggle to difﬁcult when they do both in quick succession. adhere to their slavish taskmasters’ demands. Eventually they too must fall to the wild beast Then there’s Lost. Imagine yourself stuck on an that is shortsightedness in TV execs. island with a bunch of people who have nothing in common with you. There you are forced to This is why the internet could well become our interact and develop relationships with people saviour. As the cost of amateur shows decreases, you would otherwise never meet. There are the unemployed and disgruntled actors and countless opportunities for conﬂict and drama. writers of the world will join together in a spirit And best of all, everyone’s stuck on an island of collaboration, rebellion and outright greed in and can’t leave if they hate each other—thereby their quest to subvert the media that rejected The Top 5 1. Born on the fourth of July (1990, Oliver Stone) 3. Full Metal Jacket (1987, Stanley Kubrick) Vietnam War This list was very easy to compile but very This ﬁlm is just dead set fuckin’ funny. The hard to order. I gave this ﬁlm pride of place dialogue is among the best comedy dialogue over the other masterful works within this list in cinema history, and yet the ﬁlm shows the because it shows, more than the other ﬁlms, dissention and ill-discipline that is rife in the Films both the madness in the war and the anxiety and heartbreak upon the veterans return. The drunken scene of Ron Kovic (Tom Cruise) American military and causes extremely un- necessary loss of life, both allied and civilian. confronting his uber-conservative parents screaming ‘penis’ at the top of his voice still 4. Platoon (1986, Oliver Stone) - Phil Rouse sends chills down my spine. Stone was a Vietnam vet himself, and never is this more evident than in his graphic depictions of the conﬂicts both with the enemy and within 2. Apocalypse Now Redux the platoon itself. We follow the unfortunate (1979, Francis Ford Coppola) de-humanisation of Pvt. Chris Taylor (Charlie You can pick your moment from this movie to Sheen) and how it is less due to the enemy and talk about, it is nothing short of astounding more his fellow soldiers. every step of the way. Adapted and twisted from Joseph Conrad’s novella ‘hearts of 5. The Odd Angry Shot darkness’, we are slowly driven mad as on our own psyche journeys up the Danang river with (1979, Tom Jeffery) Capt. Willard (Martin Sheen) on his way to This may seem like an odd choice, but I have a execute the formidable Colonel Kurtz (Marlon soft spot for Australian cinema. It’s low budget Brando). production aside, this ﬁlm does hit home with some truths and insights on the Australian male psyche and depcits a very Australian attitude towards war. LOT’S WIFE 46/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Creative Writing ISSUE 02/2007 I Didn’t Do Anything… Review of The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer by Lisa Ritchie They turned their backs on the refugees, I’m not a refugee, so I didn’t say anything. First published in 1971, this radical and They started a war in Iraq, based on lies and controversial book begins with a stroll deception. though the female anatomy, outlining how I don’t live in Iraq and I’m not a soldier, so I the stereotypical ‘female form’ has both didn’t do anything. deﬁned and limited women. Greer condemns a They went after the working class with the perceived disdain for women within the medical new IR laws, and psychological professions. The second half They haven’t affected me yet, so I haven’t of the book covers the topics of ‘Love’ and really thought about it. ‘Hate.’ In the former, Greer blasts the ideal The Federal Health Minister campaigned of love and the ‘middle class myth of love against abortions, and marriage’, arguing that both have failed I wish I was a Young Liberal I’ve never had an unwanted pregnancy so I women. In the section named ‘Hate,’ Greer’s didn’t see it as a big problem. words seem to seethe with anger as she details I wish I was a Young Lib, They tried to smash student unions and the many crimes committed against women at I think that would be cool introduced VSU, the hands of men. It is a wonder that a female I’d look at pics of Johnny H. I started to get pissed off but didn’t speak reader, who takes to heart Greer’s sentiments in And maybe have a (cold beer) out. the chapter titled ‘Loathing and Disgust’, could pull yourself together, They allowed David Hicks to be persecuted, ever be intimate with a male again. if you’ve ever voted Labor, I didn’t know him so I stayed quiet. come and join the Young Libs They came for me and there was no one left In The Female Eunuch, Greer paints a bleak and start rattling your sabre. to help me ﬁght. picture of what life would be like if we We have to ﬁght and vote together. were born half a century earlier. Despite the I wish I was a Young Lib, occasional bout of wordiness, which can make Not an EMO, nerd or jock (Written with inspiration from Pastor the book stagnate at times, the passion and I have dreams of Phillip Ruddock Niemöller) anger with which it was written compel the with his hand upon my (shoulder) reader to trudge on. It is a confronting read, cock your guns and let’s take aim forcing the reader to focus on things they’d at gays and refugees rather not acknowledge; double standards, let’s party on for VSU society’s use of derogatory language (such as and higher parking fees ‘slut’ or ‘scrubber’), and the still prevalent issue of domestic abuse, to name a few. I wish I was a young Lib, I’d play it hard, I’d play it tough. Despite a publication date of over 30 years ago, I’d lend a hand to Abbott, many points driven home in this book still ring ‘cause he doesn’t get enough. true, highlighting the unfortunate fact that So lube me up and count me in, the material is still relevant today. A necessary There’s blue blood in my veins. read for anyone who wishes to increase their I’m not a Young Lib yet understanding of the mechanics of gender and but I’m a loser all the same. history of women’s place within them. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer Patrick Süskind opens his alluring novel by The novel is beautifully written and the literary describing 18th Century Paris as a stinking, and historic horror style is truly gripping and reeking city. There, in a ﬁsh market, under a haunting. Despite the chilling murders that take table on the dirty pavement, Jean-Baptiste place, the methodology used to capture odors Grenouille is born. Süskind describes Grenouille off the victims dead bodies leave you intrigued as one of the most gifted personages of his by the complexity of the art of perfumery. With time, for Grenouille poses an exceptional sense a completely unexpected ending, this novel of smell. So great are his abilities that with very is captivating from the beginning till the end. little effort, Grenouille is able to reproduce When you ﬁnd your sense of smell suddenly and create the sweetest, most sought after and awakened during the reading of the novel, it most popular perfumes of the time. His mind will surely be a sign that sometimes the longest holds with in it all the smells of the earth and lasting and most powerful impressions about all the combination of scents possible to make. people and things are all contained in their perfumes. As great as his talent is, and as perfect as his skills are for capturing and storing scents, - Inna Tsyrlin soon Grenouille comes to a very disturbing and frightening realisation, that he himself has no odor of his own. Obsessed with procuring a smell for himself, Grenouille believes that is it only by capturing the fragrances of beautiful women that he can make a perfume for himself, which will be a recreation of the very scent of his ﬁrst victim, making him and his life complete. 47/ Creative Writing The ‘Boning’ of Australian Journalism Courtney McLennan investigates the alarming trend of ousting female journalists seemingly on the basis of age and gender The skilled journalist reads the news bulletin Rather, it is the age of those female what the public really wants? with the precision and composure of an newsreaders who the television networks expert, gazing levelly into the camera with the present to the Australian public which is under The networks would seemingly argue that the rehearsed manner afforded by keen intellect contestation. Former Ten newsreader, Jennifer public ratings are what dictate the boning of and vast experience. And yet, the future of the Hansen agrees, informing ABC radio that particular television personalities. Maguire’s journalist is perilous. Despite experience and ‘Women, …once they reach a certain age have comments on boning Rowe emerged when her diligence, the journalist lacks one crucial asset: an expiry date.’ To Mark Ryan from the Media popularity margins were very narrow, with she is not male. In suit coat and professional Entertainment and Arts Alliance, the reasoning rival Seven’s Sunrise surging in the ratings, and attire (save an incident of Naomi Robson’s khaki of the sacking is clear, stating on ABC radio that with Rowe named as television’s most hated shirt and additional lizard), the corset is absent the network, ‘sacked her, by not renewing her celebrity. However, Maguire’s alleged malicious from female television journalists’ wardrobes. contract because she’s of a certain age, and comments on potentially sacking Rowe were However, are female journalists truly liberated? of a certain family situation, [which] is just met with public outrage, as many clamoured to Are the constraining factors of age and gender appalling.’ the television host’s defence. the “corset” of contemporary Australian journalism? Unaffected by this expiry date male presenters, It is unclear whether network executives have such as Ten’s Mal Walden, are able to continue misjudged the public’s sentiments, or Australian While the gender imbalance in Australian their career in front of the camera, seemingly viewers have suddenly developed a moral journalism, both in print and television immune to the struggles of their female conscience in regards to protecting our female capacities, is not a recent occurrence, the counterparts. Indeed, the controversy which media personalities. But with Naomi Robson’s departures of Tracy Spicer and Naomi Robson, surrounded Nine Network director, Eddie upcoming appearance on Dancing with the Jana Wendt, and Jessica Rowe, highlight Maguire’s alleged use of the word ‘boning’ Stars, Jana Wendt’s addition to the ABC news an alarming shift in not only what has been (sacking) in regards to Today show co-host, team, and Tracey Spicer’s current reporting described as discrimination based on gender, Jessica Rowe, is yet another example of the on Sky News, it appears that the careers of but also seemingly ageist undertones. discourtesy displayed towards ‘mature’, female these experienced journalists will continue journalists. Whether or not Maguire intended into the future. Just how long until they, and The ﬁring of Ten News reporter, Tracey Spicer, to bone Rowe is irrelevant. The fact that such other experienced female journalists, are aged 39, is a particularly clear indication of this a climate of hostility enveloped Maguire’s considered in need of boning, seemingly due startling trend. Allegedly informed by the Ten comments, is indicative of society’s general to age and gender, remains uncertain. And if network via email that her contract would not intolerance of the networks’ practices and views the careers of some of our peak female media be renewed, Spicer had not only just returned in regards to its female reporters. personalities are uncertain, what will be next to work from maternity leave, but had dutifully - the reintroduction of the corset? served the network for 14 years. Clearly, the A proportion of viewers would have been method of effectively ‘sacking’ Spicer was contented with Naomi Robson’s decision to offensive and entirely impersonal after such an resign from the anchor position at Today extensive time with the network. Tonight. However, her replacement by youthful Anna Coren, is ominously resonant of a stark trend in network’s recruiting choices towards However, claims have emerged that the Ten younger, fresher faces for high proﬁle and top Network founded this supposed ‘restructuring,’ public exposure positions such as program on the basis of age and gender. The Ten Network hosts, television newsreaders and television staunchly states that they ‘do not discriminate personalities. Indeed, when in early January on the basis of age, [or] gender,’ and in fact 2007, decidedly younger Leila McKinnon was ‘employs more female news presenters than seated in the host seat of Nine’s A Current Affair any other Australian commercial television program, it appeared that another ‘boning’ of network.’ Australian journalism had occurred. However, Tracy Grimshaw’s return from a period of However, the number of female journalists vacation leave stemmed this tide of reshufﬂing is not directly under dispute in this instance. within television networks. Nonetheless, is this LOT’S WIFE 49/ STUDENT NEWSPAPER Creative Writing ISSUE 02/2007 Our Crazy Families and How They Shape Our Lives. Families. Whether they’re weird, wacky or driveway as he cycles on his merry way to work. friends who are brave enough to venture to my members of a secret cult, we tend to be more house, “drive, just drive. Wind up the window, or less stuck with them. Psychologists attest Despite this, my father is the eternal optimist. they wont even notice.” And true to form they that the bonds we form with our immediate The highlights of our latest holiday included the usually don’t. family, especially our parents, stay with us three of us living inside the nutshell of a boat for the rest of our lives and even continue to (that was illegally docked) for days while we Come to think of it, I’ve been surrounded by inﬂuence us as we become fully functional worked like little minions to ﬁx an unexpectedly strange people my entire life, like my creepy members of the adult world. This concerns me busted boat motor. We were towed across the neighbour who borrows our bike pump at 10pm greatly. And if you met my family, you’d know channel by kind strangers when the motor and enjoys cracking whips in the middle of the exactly why. wouldn’t start, nearly run over by arrogant street after sunset. Or, the strange man who speed boats, bitten, bumped, bruised, claimed he had a snake in his backpack and While normal parents experiencing a middle drenched, frozen, seasick and subjected to befriended my family on holidays. But despite aged crisis are buying Beamers and getting winds over 100km an hour. Yet Dad kept his this I feel like I’ve turned out kind of ok. breast implants, my dad was deciding to invest spirits up the entire two weeks. What I would in a boat, a sail boat no less! This in itself is consider a travesty of a holiday into the rim Dad did threaten to use tear gas, that he bought not a problem; it’s the obsession that bothers of hell and back, he describes as having ‘just off e-bay, on my boyfriend, and Mum sometimes me. I’ve never met anyone so skilled at steering enough disaster to keep it interesting’. What a forgets how to spell my name (despite the fact every conversation topic from the mundane to guy! that she chose it). But, at the end of the day the obscene, back onto his ‘darling dinghy’. I know they have made me the tolerant albeit Often when one partner in a relationship is scarred individual I am today. Despite their We used to have visitors, but after six months rather zany, the other is often a calm balancing eccentricities, I am grateful for that. of Dad regaling them with tales of his glorious inﬂuence. This is not the case with my mother. expeditions over the seven seas (ie. a trip While I acknowledge that everyone needs a around the Gippsland coast line), they stopped hobby, (especially once you get too old to - C.J calling in. continue having sex) Mum takes her gardening to the extreme. Come rain, hail or shine, (even When my father ﬁrst realised his dream with day or night come to think of it) she’ll don her the purchase of the 21 foot Harley Sailboat, he Big W gardening gloves and venture out into the was required to drive out to some inconvenient wilderness that is my front yard. obscure location to retrieve her from the water and ‘bring her home’. While driving home Unfortunately like all people who are along the highway the boat started to ﬁshtail passionate about something inane, she tends wildly (like in the movies). The car swung to operate under the illusion that everyone uncontrollably between the oncoming trafﬁc on else is as gung ho about plants as she is. I have one side of the road and the grassy knoll verge learnt through much trial and error that it is on the other. Dad thought he could accelerate best (and safest) to appear busy at all costs the car and ‘his baby’ out of this mess. He around this lady. A single moment of idleness thought wrong. results in an afternoon of hard labour lugging The car and boat rolled several times; the trailer came off the car; the boat came off chopped wood from one end of the yard to the other. Yesterday, one of my good friends also discovered this when lingering a little too long Wholefoods the trailer. Our one and only family car was a in our doorway. Vegan*Vegetarian write off and the newly purchased and as yet uninsured boat was quite trashed. Funds were If Stalin was both a woman and a garden spent on the cleaning up of the on-site carnage enthusiast he would have been an early 19th Ce Up s ntr pu and to towing of the trailer, the boat, the car century version of my mother. sta e m and my dad back home. As it turns out these irs Ca accidents tend to happen when you use a tiny Despite my parent’s obvious eccentricities, the matchbox car to tow a monstrous sail boat. older I get the more I appreciate them. Yes, Amazingly no one was injured and my dad my friends do think it’s weird that when ever I leave the house Mum and Dad insist on coming Student-run became a local celebrity after appearing in the Whitehorse Gazette for all the wrong reasons. out into the driveway and waving me off with cries of ‘bon voyage’ and ‘take a pineapple Restaurant*Cafe with you’. However, I wouldn’t have them any Grocery*Functions I wish I could say this was my father’s ﬁrst brush other way. Sometimes in order to actually leave www.msa.monash.edu.au/wholefoods/ with death. He is not adverse to being collected my property it’s necessary to cut them off mid by more than one Toyota Hilux backing out of a wholefoods.html sentence. I can often be heard instructing the 49/ Creative Writing Choose - Jason Leigh Frankie’s Adventure before a reassuring hand lifted him to his feet, watched. Mark the Engineering student had and he was greeted by a friendly face beaming recently regained consciousness and appeared understanding. at his right side with a beer in his hand, seemingly ready to pour it down the front of “What the hell have I done!?” exclaimed his fresh shirt. “Hey Frankie, time to christen Frankie. the threads...” Mark murmured, obviously “It’s alright my friend,” answered the attractive struggling to stand. One of the beautiful twenty-something looking man, “…the man you Commerce Society students emerged on his left, just killed was a Young Liberal. People ﬂip out also wearing a purple shirt. “Hey bro, put the and kill them all the time. No one even cares. collar up and come sip premium beers with us”. Hell, the police don’t even bother showing up to “Or…” chirped up the bubbly girl that handed these things anymore.” him the T Shirt, “…you could come with me and “So what should I do now?” Frankie asked, volunteer at Wholefoods, my shift is about to unsure of whether he should at least apologise start, I just hung out with the Commerce kids to this young man’s friends. “Um…” replied for a dare.” the man. He shufﬂed his feet for a while, clearly unsure of what to do, before screeching Frankie was overcome with options for the “high ﬁve!” and running away after the second time that day. The idea of being a crazy aforementioned high ﬁve was executed. drunk Uni student really appealed to him, and the way Mark was fumbling with his beer it After this extremely odd experience Frankie seemed as if he was going to spill it all over his decided to never mention it again, and to return shirt whether he like it or not. But the offer to the SAS tent to retrieve his pants. On his of hanging out with the beautiful pretentious way back to the tent he stopped in at the MSA people was ﬂattering, Frankie had never been Activities marquee to buy a ticket to the Monash part of an exclusive club before, apart from the Ho Down, because it was plain to see that is Philharmonic group at high school, and that was Last episode of Choose Frankie’s Adventure, was going to be a freaking sweet event. Upon only because all the other students’ voices had we followed Frankie on his ﬁrst day at Monash. his return to the SAS tent Frankie was met with already broken. Frankie, a young and naïve 1st year, struggled disappointment, as Jessica had already left for But maybe he should volunteer at Wholefoods? to meet people and to wedge himself in a group her Library tour, and Mark had passed out on the Frankie had often pictured himself an activist, of friends. He found himself at uni twenty-two pathway outside the tent. and his personal hygiene was questionable at minutes before beer was allowed to be served, the best of times. and having to choose between three groups With his two friends out of the picture, Frankie of friends and one completely stupid option had landed ﬁrmly in the middle of a crossroads. What will Frankie do? YOU decide… will he (d always is). You chose for Frankie to follow For the ﬁrst time in his university experience a) Let Mark spill beer all over his fresh shirt and the stupid option: d) take his pants off and Frankie could be the master of his own destiny, go get really trashed, ensuring his Uni career as ﬁght someone to the death, anyone, whoever’s liberated from the past and free to choose a drunkard…OR will he closest. which direction he wanted the next few years to take. He savoured this moment of freedom, b) Take up the Commerce kid’s offer and hang So, right there in the middle of the SAS tent, continuing his soul-searching as he meandered out with beautiful pretentious wankers for surrounded by strangers and friends alike, through O Week stalls, soaking up the vibrant the rest of the day, most likely climbing their Frankie found himself overwhelmed and just campus atmosphere. hierarchy to nightclub door lists and good looks completely ﬂipped out. For reasons unknown The Frankie that would graduate from Monash OR to anyone, even him, Frankie promptly ripped University was still three years away, and could off his pants and ran outside. With nowhere to be any person he wanted. His dreams of the c) Go with the bubbly girl and volunteer at go, nothing to do and no pants, Frankie kept future, however, were cut short by a polo shirt. Wholefoods, becoming really pissed off at ﬂipping out until he ﬁnally grabbed the person The shirt, which was thrust into his hands by a Capitalism and anyone on campus with material nearest to him and proceeded to ﬁght him. young lady wearing an identical one, was purple desires OR and had quite a stiff collar. As soon as Frankie’s Frankie’s surprised opponent was quite a lean bony little hands clutched the shirt he felt as d) Go and join the Young Liberal club and nerdy looking young fellow with rodent- if something important had happened, and in a like facial features, and it was clear that he way, it had. You can email your choice to choose_frankies_ was no stranger to a tussle. He dodged and email@example.com weaved Frankie’s clumsy blows, waiting for “Hey have a free shirt from the Commerce lulls in which he could sneak in for a bite and Society!” commanded the bubbly young lady. the odd hair pull. Frankie, in his completely “Wow thanks,” replied Frankie, pretty happy uncharacteristic and almost frustratingly with himself. He wanted to put the shirt on random wave of aggression, ﬁnally gained the immediately, to show his gratitude, but became upper hand after managing to shatter his foe’s immediately unsure of how to wear it. All spectacles and then Chinese burn him to death. the beautiful students seemed to be wearing their collars upright, while all the crazy drunk As the bloodlust drained from Frankie’s vision, it (Engineering) students seemed to have beer became horribly clear that he had just killed a stains down the front of their polos, with the man with his bare hands. He began retching and collars ﬁrmly planted down. crying and also sneezing all at the same time, pausing only to scream “Nooooooo” toward an apathetic, cloud-free sky. As he tugged the shirt down over his chest Frankie’s tantrum lasted for all of six seconds, Frankie immediately felt as if he was being the Lot’s Wife family tree Julian Burnside QC Russell Skelton Michael Leunig Jon Faine Remy Davison Rachel Grifﬁths Pete Steedman Darryl Dellora Anthony Lowenstein Stephanie Bunbury Jeann ie Rae Damian Broderick Emily Howie John Sinclair Simon Marginson Nick Economou Kathy Bail Ross Fitzgerald Pete r Cost ello All of the above people, plus many more have contributed/edited/worked for/hung around Lot’s Wife over the years 51/ Sport The ‘Squirter’ McGee Diaries. Confessions of a country football legend... Monday: So, my ﬁrst day back in my home though you can sorta tell I was blind too when I below A grade this year. Unless I don’t pull town. Straight back from playing footy in the took it: for like 3 weeks in a row or like unless I’m so big leagues, you would have thought that there blind I’m delirious. I reckon I’ll have a crack would be some kind of welcome party, maybe at Casey Evans soon. She’s got big cannons and at least a bit of a shindig for the prodigal son, I’ve heard she’s easy for a hot bird. Plus when I but instead all I got was an ‘oh, you’re back, came home a few months back I reckon she was mate!’ and a ‘g’day, Bigknob’. I mean, I am ﬂirting with me. I went around to her joint to hung like the proverbial stallion, but it’s not as have a beer with her old man and here she was if I go splashing the fact all over town. Except walkn around in this little skirt ﬂicken her hair sometimes when I’m pissed. round and shit. I caught up with the boys for training later Anyway her old man cooks a mean barbie. Top in the evening. Coach was happy to see me. rissoles… I call ‘em arseholes to be funny. Took Reckons I’ll carve em up this year. Thinks we a picture of ‘em on me camera phone they’re so might win the ﬂag, even. With me back there’s good. a new conﬁdence about the place, he reckons. I I’m tellin ya, the bloke’s a stainer from way was stoked. back. Bloody got us locked up for the night too. I hate the cops on Satdays. Good to catch up with all the boys. What about Chuckles MacPherson though, I mean how’s his I remember when I got locked up that other form… I’ve only been back one day and he says, time. It was the weekend of the Valley grand “good to see ya Squirter. Look bloke, I hope ya ﬁnal. I was off my tits and the cops chucked me don’t mind, but I’ve been rootin ya sister while in the back of the van. As they were putting me yer away”. I punched him out, the low bastard. in, I thought I’d put on a bit of a show for the Can’t blame him, she loves it my sister. Looser boys. Punched the air, did a victory dance, the than the bloody hinges on a barn door. whole bit. Then I looked like a bit of a goose cos I whacked my head on the van door and knocked It was good to see Chuckles anyway. I hadn’t myself out. It was worth it, but. Then later on seen him since we lost the premiership with when I woke up at the cop shop, I found they’d Yippoon under 12’s. We were down by one point taken me bloody shoelaces out. I dunno why but and he marked in the goalsquare with 5 seconds they always do it. I didn’t even get a blanket left. We were home for sure, but he choked, that nite.. froze me pecker off. Lucky there Anyway, her old man sure knows how to make the jack fucker! I couldn’t believe it, I was were no sheilas around! The worst bit was in ﬁne meat! Get it? Ha, wouldn’t mind getting a shattered. So I punched him. the morning, the dickheads had lost me laces so bit of pre season in with her if you know what I I had to walk 3 k’s home with me shoes falling mean.... Geez we got pissed after training! I must have off. I reckon it was deliberate… smashed about 18 cans, not to mention the Not that I need to get any ﬁtter, I’m pretty longnecks. ‘King Browns’, I call em. Wazza was I still can’t believe I didn’t get B&F that year. ripped at the moment. Like me muscles have in a bloody bad way too. I had to pull him out I was only 15, but I reckon I would have got really taken off recently and I’m not just sayen of the gutter, where he was spewin and taking a BOG in at least half the games. And half the that. I’m pretty much of a tank. I’m thinken of piss at the same time. time I was still so pissed from the night before tryna get the boys to start callen me Thomas. I got some evidence to show the boys on me I could hardly see the ball until the 3rd quarter. Hope it catches on. Reckon it probably will. camera phone. Look, here’s the spew: At presentation when they called out Simmo’s name, I couldn’t believe it! Shattered. Bloody Oh yeah and Craigo got a new ute: Simmo, of all people! I mean he’s a good bloke and all, but the way he tries to take a grab, you’d think it was made of friggen soap. And what made it worse was the fact that I’d had a crack at his little sister just a couple of weeks earlier and she knocked me back. Plus he was talken it up in the showers at training how he gets 150 bucks a game. Geez he’s full of shit… Oh, how’s some of the netballers form? They We’re goen to do doughies out the road. So told Johnno the other night at training that catch ya later. they don’t rate me and shit. Said I try n look Yeah look and now here’s one of him. You can up their skirts and that, which I do but yeah.. To Be Continued... pretty much tell how blind he is and that. Even and? I decided I’m not going any netballer Make life easy. BPAY is the faster, more efﬁcient way to make payments for everything from uni fees to your mobile phone bill. You can choose the account you wish to pay from, like your savings or debit card account, and even schedule payments in advance. And it all happens securely through your phone or internet banking service. 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