ife W lot s wife student paper the downfall of by therza

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									Wife     lot’s wife student paper

       the downfall of monyx
      unhappy hens scandal
   free young liberals coaster
                St Patricks Day
                Saturday 17th March


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   Contents:
 5 Editorials
 6 Letters
 8 National Affairs
 9 Refoulement - Australian style
10 Free Young Liberals Coaster
12 Global Affairs
15 Global Policemen
16 Music
18 Songs that changed the world
20 Wom*n’s Page
21 Queer Page
22 Campus Life
23 Pete Steedman: ‘hoon,’ activist and former Lot’s Wife Editor
26 Where’s Johnny?
28 Happy Hens Scandal
29 Lifestyle
34 Arts & Theatre
35 Sideshow Alley
38 Science
41 Penis Enlargements
42 Cinema & Soap
43 Scopophilia
46 Creative Writing
47 The boning of Australian Journalism
50 The Lot’s Wife Family Tree
51 Sport
  Thanks
  Jason Leigh and Michael Keane for helping us with distribution, Newsprinters (especially the two Pauls), writers,
  sub editors, The Notting Hill, helpers, proof-readers, coffee makers, Kathryn McNally, Meg Byrne and Claire Wesson
  for proof-reading, Meg Byrne again for the chocolate and doing our dishes (we’re not always that gross), Gordo for
  thinking proof reading would help him climb the Lot’s Wife ladder, Mr. Conduit for the paper, our Respect Officer
  for keeping his clothes on, Twister (the board game not the club!), Krissy for being lovely, Lee Young Hoon, the hot
  guy in Dara’s class, Karen for being ever so cheery, Emily for drawing each Where’s Johnny character, flea bombs,
  Revellers Bar, jugs of beer and Damian Thomson for being a legend.

  No Thanks
  Teo for vandalising our Wikipedia page, the enviro kids for stealing our couch, people ranting about the O-Guide at
  us (the O Guide has nothing to do with Lot’s Wife), Chris Holmes, Tegan- (for so diligently reporting typos but not
  offering to do any proof reading), Precious Saxophonists, Berwick guy, The Wargamers Club, Haydn Steele, Lot (for
  what you did for your daughters), people who think Lot’s Wife is a propaganda machine for [insert club name/or-
  ganisation here], Jess Berndt, Bojangles’ fleas, people who put two spaces between sentences, people who think
  we’ll print their 1000 word letters to the editor – talk about fancying themselves – write us a damn article, Samuel
  H.M.A.S Kastelan (The MSA’s answer to Andrew Bolt), Socialist Alternative for sticking posters on our drop boxes,
  Damian Thomson for getting too comfortable in the office and turning into a smart ass (Naomi abstained from the
  motion [note - did not oppose]), Catholics on campus for putting pamphlets in our drop boxes, Cassie the slapper,
  and yes, we are getting bitter.

  ‘Writers meetings Monday 1pm. Lot’s Wife Office, Level 1
  Campus Centre’

  Lot’s Wife
  Level 1
  Building 10, Campus Centre
  Monash University
  Clayton 3800
  Ph (03) 9905 8174
  Fax (03) 9905 4185
  lotswife@adm.monash.edu.au
  www.msa.monash.edu.au/lotswife/

  Editors
  Naomi Snell and Dara Conduit
  lotswife@adm.monash.edu.au

  For the Lot’s Wife Podcast go to
  www.radiomonash.net

  Lot’s Wife acknowledges the Kulin Nations as the original and ongoing
  owners of the land upon which the paper is produced

  Editorial Policy:
  Lot’s Wife believes in giving all Monash students the opportunity to express themselves. Equally,
  we recognise the right of all students to read the paper without feeling threatened or offended
  by racist, sexist, militaristic, or homophobic material. The views reflected in this paper do not
  necessarily reflect the views of the editors or the MSA. Articles that are submitted are proof read and may be altered,
  chemically or otherwise.
Editorials:
For many, moving on from the spoon              To Kevin Andrews, MP
feeding and social confines of high school       Minister for Immigration,
to a tertiary institution can be a liberating
experience. My own journey at Monash            Last week my Dad asked me to write a letter supporting his
Clayton itself has taken some liberating        girlfriend Tomoko’s citizenship application. This was fine. Tomoko,
turns. On many occasions I have liberated       after all, is lovely, so I sat down to write a meaningful document
myself from the stress of university with       to convince your fine self that she would indeed be an asset to
copious amounts of cold beer from the           this country.
Notting Hill Hotel and back in first year, at
Halls Of Residence, I managed to liberate my    Upon reflection on her chances of being approved, and more
limbs from any sense of feeling through the     importantly the reasons that she wanted to become a citizen
use of illicit substances.                      (namely my dad’s questionable mateship), I came to realise
                                                that in fact I would gladly swap my citizenship with her. For the
In terms of liberation for others or the        following reasons, I wish to apply to swap citizenship with her
greater good, I gave the wom*n’s room a run     and take up her Japanese residency.
to free myself from the patriarchy and plot
revolution. I have even become a vegetarian     (1) The fact that Australia still manages to masquerade as a
and liberated some animals from being               tropical country. For too long has the rest of the world been
eaten by me for which they are undoubtedly          convinced that Australia is the land of sunshine. If I travel
grateful. And, for those in need of some            overseas once more where people complain that I’m not
kind of liberation, meals at Wholefoods are         tanned like an Australian, I will scream. I had a friend that
a great way of liberating at least one animal       was a Norwegian exchange student who came to Australia on
for the day, not to mention keeping scurvy at       the basis of all the sunshine. He got the impression that the
bay.                                                beach was a 5 minute walk from Monash Berwick campus. Talk
                                                    about false advertising.
I came up with some other ideas which may       (2) The quality of people’s English in this country. If I hear
be liberating but I am yet to experience,           one more foul mouthed, ute driving, pants falling down
(although I haven’t ruled them out) such as         bogan pronounce AUST-RAL-IA as Aus-tray-ya I might murder
a same sex pick up at an MSA function or            someone. Learn to pronounce our country’s name. I feel
staging a naked protest for which my cause          pretty comfortable stating that the everyday Japanese person
is as yet unclear. Most recently I sought           would have a better grasp on the English language than those
liberation through a (post Notting Hill)            fools.
scantily clad moonlight swim in the Vice        (3) The people at Future Music Festival. Fake tan and small
Chancellor’s pool. Liberating maybe not… but        dresses anyone?
the pool is heated and I enjoyed it all the     (4) Today Tonight: That television programs such as A Current
same.                                               Affair and Today Tonight parade under the banner of Current
                                                    Affairs Programs. The fact that these programs rate so highly
Something which I have found liberating             says something about the intelligence of our country as a
and quite empowering is the knowledge               whole, and certainly not a good thing.
that I have gained through my education         (5) Harajuku girls. They put our Supre divas to shame
at Monash University. But far and away
though, my greatest liberation on campus        And don’t even get me started on your party’s human rights
has come through writing and my freedom         record.
of expression, particularly through Lot’s
Wife. After this year I will never again have   I hope you take my application into account. I am a mere Arts
the opportunity to tell five thousand Monash     student with the earning capacity of a 10-year old child, and in
students that come the federal election they    comparison to Tomoko the merchant banker, would be nothing
need to Fuck Off Howard!                        but a burden on Australia’s welfare system.

Naomi Snell                                     Yours sincerely

                                                Dara Conduit
Political Activism On The Rise                          Sticking It To MSA                     MSC Accountability And
                                                        Executive!                             Wholefoods Inflation
Dear Lot’s,
                                                        Lot’s,                                 Dear Lot’s Wife,
We thoroughly enjoyed reading the first edition          I am currently employed by the
for 2007 particularly the article by Jonathan           Monash Student Association, at         Wholefoods’* prices may soon be
Burke which took a look at Labor’s new ‘dream           Wholefoods. I am also a student        rising by 20%. Not because they
team’ as we approach the next Federal election.         at Monash (currently studying full     have to because costs have risen
One interesting letter to the editor in the first        time). Wholefoods contracts are        by 20% and not because the Collec-
edition was that by Emily Laidlaw who expressed         based on an old – no longer exist-     tive (the body of Wholefoods made
her disappointment at the lack of political activ-      ing – hospitality award, which         up of students, staff and volun-
ism at Monash. She made the comparison between          classifies us as seasonal staff,        teers that has run Wholefoods
today’s relative apathy and the powerful Vietnam        and gives us dubious protections.      since it’s inception) wants to raise
War protests led by the Monash ALP Club in the          I choose to work at Wholefoods         the prices on already struggling
1960s and 70s.                                          (taking meal tickets more often        students, the threatened price
There is no doubt that universities are less politi-    than paid hours) because I love        raise is because Monash Student
cally active today than they were in the 1960s          Wholefoods, support student un-        Council (MSC) – or the majority on
and 70s. The actions of the conservative Federal        ionism, and think it’s a great place   MSC – wills it so. They claim that
Government have seen students’ time to par-             to work.                               10% off (an actual discount!) all
ticipate in activities such as political activism       The Wholefoods Collective doesn’t      meals at Wholefoods for Commu-
severely diminished. This has come about because        want to raise prices because it        nity Card holders isn’t enough of
of increased work commitments for students, re-         thinks Wholefoods should pro-          an incentive (beyond the intrinsic
sulting from highly inflated university fees, living     vide affordable food, and – with       political incentive of supporting
expenses and an increase in rent.                       that aim in mind – should charge       our student association) to encour-
Our local Federal member of Parliament for              students only what is necessary in     age Wholefoods customers to sign
Chisholm, Anna Burke MP, spoke on such issues           order to cover costs (as it says in    up to the Monash Community Card,
when she came to the Monash ALP Club stall dur-         the Wholefoods and MSA Constitu-       so they are attempting to force
ing O-week and noted the increase in parking fees       tions, for that matter).               Wholefoods to raise all prices by
which have been caused by Howard’s Voluntary            I, personally, have already bought     20%, and then give a 20% ‘dis-
Student Unionism.                                       the Community Card, as a matter        count’ on everything for all Com-
This year the Monash ALP club will be supporting        of principle. Now I’m wondering        munity Card holders.
the campaign for a Federal Labor Government and         if it will buy me stress-leave, the    That is, a coffee that now costs
we will focus on issues important to students such      years this whole debacle is tak-       $2.20 (the cheapest on campus)
as Global Warming, Industrial Relations, the Iraq       ing off my life. I also wonder if      could soon cost you $2.75 (one
War and Justice.                                        the Community Card will buy ‘my’       of the most expensive coffees on
We encourage anyone keen to be politically active       union a sense of responsibility, a     campus)… or $2.20 if you have a
on campus and kick Howard out of office this year.       conscience, or a clue.                 Community Card. Wow, what a
In solidarity,                                                                                 discount! In fact, if this happens,
                                                        -Anonymous Wholefoods                  the MSA will give me a whole…
Jake Clifton (President, Monash ALP Club)               Collective and staff member            zero cents off what I currently pay
                                                                                               for coffee, tea, or cake. Oh, wait…
Affirmative Action Necessary                                                                    That’s not a discount!
                                                                                               In fact, since I do have a Commu-
Dear Lot’s Wife,                                                                               nity Card, and therefore currently
                                                                                               get 10% off the base price of meals
(Re. ‘Emily’s List’ article published in Edition 1 of                                          at Wholefoods, my meals will actu-
Lot’s Wife)                                                                                    ally cost me 10% more under MSC
I was shocked to see a woman writing about the                                                 scheme. Wholefoods can afford to
challenges facing women in politics and then                                                   give 10% discounts on meals, but
dismissing quotas in the same article. I would not                                             cannot afford to lose customers.
expect such sexist dribble from anyone capable                                                 If you don’t like what MSC is trying
of being accepted into university. There are some                                              to force Wholefoods to do (Whole-
legitimate arguments against Affirmative Action,                                                foods – the Collective, paid staff
however Johanna Morris made none of them. Her                                                  and volunteers – are resisting so
argument is that quotas are ameritous and pro-                                                 far), please:
mote untalented people, people chosen on gender                                                Sign up to the Community Card
not skill. Her first flawed assumption is that 50%                                               Send an email to the President
of the population are not meritous. Johanna, even                                              (Zoe.Edwards@adm.monash.
if you don’t have faith in your own skills, the rest                                           edu.au) and Treasurer (Mathew.
of us are actually quite capable! The second flaw                                               hilakari@adm.monash.edu.au)
in her article is that it failed to recognise the                                              of the MSA and the Secretary
barriers women face in engaging in politics and                                                (Samual.Kastelan@adm.monash.
business. In the past and present people are pro-                                              edu.au) and tell them what you
moted because of gender. Men are consistently as-                                              – as one of their constituents
sumed more capable, responsible, talented, more                                                – think of their scheme to force
‘reliable’, less ‘emotional’ and better ‘suited’ to                                            Wholefoods (whose slogan is ‘Food
politics and the board room. Affirmative Action                                                 for People, Not Profit’) to raise
is a way to counter this culture, and promote                                                  prices by an extra 25%
talented women to positions of power so they may                                               Come up to Wholefoods and ask
begin to change this culture. With women earning                                               one of our friendly staff and volun-
only 66% of the average wage to men and consist-                                               teers what you can do to help out.
ently unrepresented in our parliament a solution                                               With hope for years of cheap food,
is needed!                                                                                     and participatory student services
                                                                                               to come,
Zoe                                                                                            Kellan Wakeman
Arts 3rd year                                                                                  (7th Year Arts(Hons)/Law / Grad-
                                                                                               DipEd … and 5th Year Wholefoods)
Letters to the Editor:

So Many Reasons To Be Proud                             Sorebottom’s Dillemma                      Prejudice In The
                                                        Dear Lots,
                                                                                                   Monash Diaries
Dear Lot’s Wife,
This letter is directed to Naomi. I would like to                Can you please make your pa-
                                                                                                   Dear Lot’s,
clarify my original response to ‘Tits out for the       per more absorbent. I am finding that
Boys.’ At no point did I say that sexism should not     it takes me at least 3 pages to clean
                                                                                                   Like many others I lined up
be prevented, but it must be remembered that            my behind. Can you consider making
                                                                                                   amongst the teeming hordes of
what is regarded as sexist depends entirely on          your paper softer and of double ply
                                                                                                   first years to collect my student
the individual/group it is directed at. Your article    thickness? It will increase the demand.
                                                                                                   diary for 2007. As I was casually
did not tackle sexism on campus; it directly and                         Regards, Joey Sorebot-
                                                                                                   flicking through the publication
incorrectly targeted Halls. Halls is not the central    tom, 3rd Yr Proctologist
                                                                                                   I could not help but notice the
hub for sexism on campus, it is merely an extension                                                inclusion of environmentalist
of the activities partaken in and around the main       Where’s Georges Beef?                      propaganda – encouraging people
campus. Although you had a negative experience                                                     to invest in Hessian shopping bags
of Halls, you are one of very few. The Howitt Hall      As I opened edition 1 of Lots Wife 2007    as opposed to reusable plastic
40th reunion last year had a great turn out from        ,I was looking forward to another year     ones (despite there being more
across the 40 years. Negative comments were             of hate-filled bigotry from the master      greenhouse gas expended and
directly related to room sizes and same-sex floors.      of prose known only as “George”. For       plants destroyed in the production
No matter where you go in your life, or what            most readers his satirical reflections      of Hessian Vs. LDPE).
you do, someone will always be offended by the          on the state of modern society were a      Even the Vice-Chancellor was
comments and activities of others. Although that        meta-narrative for the modern univer-      afforded the opportunity to rant
person has a right to speak up about this, they         sity student. He cast much deserved        a bit about something that was
have no right to wrongly target a small populace of     criticism on whatever got his goat,        improbably relevant and almost
people who are merely imitating the activities of       while at the same being the embodi-        certainly wouldn’t justify the hike
a larger group. Although Halls may be part of the       ment of all that is hateful and de-        in parking permit costs (I’d know
problem, it is not the cause of the problem, which I    serves criticism. By doing this he made    this for certain had I actually read
am sure you’re well aware of. Next time an article      us realise just how petty, stupid, and     it). Imagine my surprise when I
on sexism is published, make sure it looks at the       amusing our own prejudices are.            stumble across the ‘doodle space’
whole picture and includes all aspects of campus        Of course there also are those ignorant    provided in the back of the organ-
life, not just Halls.                                   fools who blindly followed his preach-     izer and not one bit of ‘vagina
On a brighter note, it’s nice to see you finally got     ing, showering hate on whatever            space’. What kind of women’s,
laid; you must be so much more pleasant to deal         George declared as “whipping boy of        womyn’s or wom*n’s collective
with these days.                                        the month”. These imbecilic sheep          could allow such an insult to pass
Proud ex-Howitt Resident                                should probably be shot in the knee-       unchallenged? However shouldn’t
                                                        cap, then forced to watch loops of         one of the vegetarians have no-
                                                        John Cleese’s “How to Irritate People”     ticed that their oppressed sisters
A Red Flag For Lot’s Wife Pinkos!                       until all they want to do is claw out      did not have their equally impres-
                                                        their bloodshot eyes and pierce their      sive genitalia afforded the space
Dear Lot’s,                                             eardrums with knitting needles. They       that they so rightfully deserve. I
I would like to complain about the radical left-wing    totally missed the point of the whole      was so enraged I had to shred, roll
bias of this paper. From the rabidly anti-Howard,       thing.                                     and smoke three Hessian shopping
anti-law student, anti-Zionist, anti-Capitalist, in     Finally, there are those who loved to      bags to calm myself down.
fact, anti-everything stance this paper takes on        hate George. His edgy topics pushed
every single issue, I can only assume that you are      the boundaries of the acceptable, and      In solidarity,
either stooges for the Chinese Communist Party          consistently threw the question “Why
or that Kerry O’Brien writes all your articles. You     is this unacceptable?” back in the         Frenzied Lord Champ (ARTS IV)
are so far past ‘leaning’ to the left, you’ve bloody    face of the political correctness-loving
well fallen on top of it and started humping it to      prudes that infect the student body.
death. Whether it be land rights for gay cub seals,     Occasionally he got a good answer (for
tree-planting in the basement of the law building       example see p.3, The Grey Edition,
or advocating an affirmative action plan to have         Lots Wife 2006); most of the time all
a minimum 50% representation of women in the            he received a incoherent blast of hate
Engineering faculty by 2008, this paper seldom          from those who didn’t like what he
hesitates to take up some hitherto insignificant and     was saying and were not articulate
irrelevant issue and beat us all around the head        enough to express why.
with it until we end up looking like Phillip Ruddock.   Whatever group you fall into, I feel
The great thing about VSU is that students like         that “George’s Beef” was a integral
myself no longer have to prop up your pinko             part of anyone’s Lot’s wife experi-
propaganda and can donate our money to more             ence, and the paper is a darker, more
worthy causes. God knows, the Exclusive Brethren        shadowy place without it. Bring back
need it.                                                the Beef! (Or bacon)

Jeremiah,                                               Chris Holmes
Science (Christian church of) III                       Law VI
                                                                                                                                                 LOT’S WIFE
8/                                                                                                                                               STUDENT NEWSPAPER

National Affairs                                                                                                                                 ISSUE 02/2007




                                                        the benefit of hindsight
The State of the Nation

                                                        Australia recently hosted United States Vice-        Howard’s electorate. Bennelong, the electorate
                                                        President Dick Cheney on a three-day stop-           has become marginal after demographic
                                                        over in Sydney. In the only press conference         changes and electoral re-distribution, with the
                                                        he gave during his visit, Cheney said that the       PM holding the seat by a slim 4%. The reason
                                                        US-Australian alliance was “rock solid”, and         behind McKew’s entry into the contest is two-
                                                        that it would not be altered if the Australian       fold, firstly to see whether she can actually
                                                        Government chose to withdraw its forces              take the seat from Howard, secondly, to distract
                                                        from Iraq. The latter response is particularly       the PM on the wider political scene and limit
                                                        important for federal Labor. The day before,         his campaigning in other marginal seats the
                                                        Cheney met Kevin Rudd in Sydney, where the           government has to hold to secure victory. Labor
                                                        opposition leader spelled out Labor’s position on    needs a national swing of 4% for them to gain a
                                                        Iraq: that Australia should withdraw its forces in   majority in the House of Representatives. Even
                                                        consultation with the other coalition partners.      if she loses, McKew appears to have found her
                                                        That makes Cheney’s remarks regarding                calling in life after the ABC; she is a welcome
                                                        the state of the alliance, and its prospects         injection of intelligence and media savvy into
                                                        of the ALP’s position on Iraq a big plus for         the federal ALP.
                                                        Rudd, who has insisted for months that Labor
                                                        would maintain a strong US alliance, despite         The Prime Minister can declare a victory of
                                                        disagreement over Iraq.                              sorts, in that all states except Victoria have
                                                                                                             agreed to sign up to his $10 Billion take-over
                                                        In other good news for the federal opposition,       of the Murray-Darling River system. Victorian
                                                        recent polls indicate that Kevin Rudd is more        Premier Steve Bracks said he would not sign
                                                        preferred as Prime Minister than John Howard,        the deal until Victoria received a larger share
                                                        and that Labor is ahead on seven out of ten          of the $10 Billion over 10 years. He said it
                                                        issues most important to Australians. These          was not a fair deal where those states, such
                                                        results should be viewed with caution, and by        as Queensland and NSW with comparatively
                                                        no means indicate that Labor is on the road to       poor water infrastructure were rewarded for
                                                        victory, but it is good news for Rudd.               their neglect, compared with Victoria which
                                                                                                             had invested heavily in its Murray-Darling
                                                        In other news, the high-profile and highly            infrastructure, and under the current proposal,
                                                        talented former ABC presenter and Bulletin           would have less money spent each year than is
                                                        journalist Maxine McKew has announced that           currently the case.
                                                        she will stand for Labor pre-selection in John


                                                        staying home tonight?                                twit of the edition*
      and the prize goes to...                          The federal government’s new Environment                 “as a result of his
                                                        Minister, Malcolm Turnbull has been forced            business and property
      • PAUL KEATING this week said that Peter          to defend his use of his parliamentary travel          ventures, Mr. Mokbel
      Costello is “all tip and no iceberg,” and that    allowance to pay $175 per night for his use of        is making a significant
      John Howard is a “desiccated old coconut ...      a Canberra townhouse owned by his wife. Mr              contribution to the
      araldited to the seat.”                           Turnbull, whose personal wealth is estimated              community and
                                                        to be around $125 million has had his actions        employing a substantial
      • TODAY TONIGHT - Who lead with a story           defended by both the Prime Minister and                 number of people”
      about an eighty-four year old woman chained       Opposition Leader, whose own private wealth
      to a cupboard in a nursing home. In fact, the     also run into the millions of dollars.                  -Kelvin Thomson
      chains were there to represent how she felt,
      but after a lack of communication in the TT
      newsroom, they went to air telling viewers
                                                        fantastic mr. burke                                  the runner-up
      about how the poor woman was chained to
      her cupboard. After horrified Government                                                                   “a vote for Rudd
                                                        Brian Burke has become the talk of the town
      officials visited the nursing home in reaction                                                             is a vote against
                                                        this month, ruining careers like they’re going
      to the story, it was established that, in fact                                                                  sleep”
                                                        out of fashion.
      the chains were a stunt. The following day,
      host Anna Coren was forced to retract the         Despite Howard and Costello going open slather
      statement, saying “we reported that Shirley       on Rudd for his meetings with Burke (Rudd                - Andrew Bolt
      was living chained to her room. In fact this is   probably could have handled the situation
      not the case. Today Tonight reporter Nicho-       better), it seems the scandal now might have         *The word twit has been used to substitute a far-more defamatory,
      las Boot took a chain with him at Shirley’s       come back to bite Howard on the arse.                   and in our minds appropriate word in fear of being sued for
      request to be filmed in her room.” Nice one!                                                                                       defamation

                                                        Howard was forced to sack Minister Ian
      •TONY ABBOTT - who went on Triple J’s HACK        Campbell when it was revealed that he had met
      program on February 16th to discuss safe sex.     with Brian Burke. It’s unfortunate for Campbell
      When the host, Kate O’Toole pushed him on         that he was used to make a political statement.                    At the date of printing,
      whether all he condoned was abstinence, he        However, no Sooner had Howard appointed                             David Hicks had been
      replied with a sleazy laugh and stated that,      Senator David Johnston as Justice Minister did it                      incarcerated for
      for a married man, he knew far too much
      about abstinence. I don’t know that he even
      deserves the dog house for that one
                                                        emerge that he had shares in Murchinson Metals
                                                        and Croesus Mining - both companies that                                   1930
                                                                                                                          days in Guantanamo Bay
                                                        employed Burke as a lobbyist and are now being
                                                        investigated by the WA Crime and Corruption
                                                        Commission. Oh dear.
9/
National Affairs




               REFOULEMENT
                  australian
     allen james
                       style
For many years, Australia welcomed refugees         treaties, and that it is unnecessary to provide
to its shores. Although Australia signed the        regulations for its own behavior. The converse
1951 Refugee Convention in 1954 and the 1967        argument put by the Law Council of Australia
Optional Protocol in 1973, its geographical         is that ‘there is no mechanism that is subject
isolation meant there was little pressure for a     to rule of law, which provides a safeguard
domestic refugee policy separate from general       against people being returned to countries in
immigration laws. The arrival of the first           circumstances which are contrary to Australia’s
Vietnamese and Cambodian boat people in the         obligations under treaties other than the
late 1970’s forced a review. Refugees became        Refugee Convention.’ Recommendation 2.2 of
scrutinised to levels not previously imposed by     the Senate Committee report proposed that the
Australia.                                          non-refoulement obligations of CAT and ICCPR
                                                    be incorporated explicitly into domestic law.
The rapid increase in onshore arrivals in           This has not happened.
the 1990’s led to the implementation of a
comprehensive refugee determination system          The problem with Australia’s approach is that
within the immigration portfolio. This included     Immigration officials and the RRT can only
initial assessment by immigration officials,         consider the Refugee Convention when dealing
access to a merits review by the Refugee Review     with cases. They are unable to consider the
Tribunal (RRT), and Federal Court access. The       merits of individual cases from ICCPR, CAT or
onshore arrivals programs have been under           CROC perspectives. Only the Minister can do
heated public debate and continual review to        that if a case is brought to their attention,        return to Somalia. It was content to argue on a
this day.                                           and then only if the discretion is used. This        technicality which, although legally correct it is
                                                    leaves a major risk that a refugee may not be        deplorable in terms of basic human rights and
The International Convention on Civil and           properly processed, which can lead directly          values.
Political Rights (ICCPR) and the Convention         to both injustice and violation of convention
on the Rights of the Child (CROC) entered           obligations. Finally, the Ministers decision is      In another case, a pregnant mother in late term
Australian law merely as attachments to             not reviewable in court, except on natural           and her 3-year old child were deported to China
the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity              justice grounds, which does not include matters      where she was forced to have an abortion, only
Commission (HREOC) Act. The Convention              of substance unless, in an unlikely event,           10 days before the baby was due. The Minister
against Torture (CAT) came into force in            the Minister can be shown to have made the           was not involved in this decision, but it was the
Australia in 1989, but there was no CAT specific     decision without reasoning.                          Department policy focused only on the Refugee
legislation.                                                                                             Convention that rejected her as a refugee and
                                                    The practical consequences of narrow                 enabled this to occur.
A core principle of the convention is ‘non-         interpretation of convention grounds are
refoulement,’ whereby a State should not            demonstrated in a number of cases. The               The brutal logic in Australia’s approach is
deport an asylum seeker to a place where there      Refugee Convention failed to protect Sadiq Shek      that the Government’s greatest concern may
is a risk that the person’s life or freedom would   Elmi from a deportation order, even though           well be the sovereign question. In addition to
be threatened. The Migration Act however,           Australian officials agreed it was likely he          Australia’s possible exposure to open-ended
uses the words ‘may be given a protection           would be subjected to torture, imprisonment          non-refoulement in situations where the nation
visa’, leaving some uncertainty as to the non-      and perhaps death on his return to Somalia.          or community may be at risk. The government
derogative nature of the non-refoulement            Australian officials explained in their rebuttal to   is clearly very reluctant to sign away these
principle.                                          the United Nations Committee Against Torture         discretions into law.
                                                    that one reason he didn’t qualify under CAT
Thus, the non-refoulement obligations in the        was because Article 1 requires that torture          Australia’s response to immigration and refugees
Migration Act pertain only to the obligation        be ‘committed by, or at the instigation of, or       has changed remarkably. It started with an
under the Refugee Convention. Ministerial           with the consent or acquiescence of a public         open welcome, assisted passage, free hostel
guidelines created by the Department                official or any other person acting in an official     accommodation and integration services in the
for guiding this discretion detail ‘public          capacity’. Sadiq Shek Elmi alleged that armed        1950s and 60s, and then began a steady decline.
interest’ criteria such as ‘unique and special      Somali clans will torture him. These clans           Today for onshore arrivals, it is detention first,
circumstances’ that would lead to consideration     are not ‘public officials’ and do not act in an       then scrutiny and the deportation of rejected
of the international Conventions ICCPR, CAT and     official capacity. Ironically, the fact that there    cases. On the other hand, if you are lucky
CROC.                                               has been no standing government in Somalia to        enough to be admitted, you will get a free bus
                                                    control those clans for many years is lost on the    ticket at the prison gate, $200 in your pocket
The current Government views that their             Australian officials and beside the point. The        and a ‘good luck mate.’ What happened to
obligations to non-refoulement only require         Australian Government did not care that Sadiq        Australia?
it to refrain in the circumstances specified in      Shek Elmi would most likely be tortured upon
 pauline                                              one of the highest rating shows on Australian TV,
                                                      the last thing this country needs is someone with
                                                                                                             now is; the intervening years have brought us
                                                                                                             Howard’s ‘khaki’ election victory and heightened


    hanson
 on the
                                                      little formal education to be a parliamentary
                                                      poster-girl for the present culture of fear that
                                                      exists in Australian society.
                                                                                                             fears of migration, not to mention the current
                                                                                                             conservative rubber-stamp Senate. All of this has
                                                                                                             led to a greater social acceptance of much of
                                                                                                             Hanson’s original rhetoric, albeit packaged so as
                                                      One need only look at the rise of blogging to          to allow people to distance themselves from the

comeback                                              understand the dangers of uninformed opinion.
                                                      Sure, everybody is entitled to their own opinion
                                                                                                             media-driven concept of ‘extremism’ with which
                                                                                                             Hanson was associated.

trail                                                 on any topic. We do live, after all, in ‘A free
                                                      country’. However, these avenues of expression         Second time around, the stakes are potentially
    damian thomson                                    which allow the average punter on the street to
                                                      propagate uninformed opinion clearly show how
                                                                                                             higher. With Labor doing well in opinion polls,
                                                                                                             there is always the possibility that the balance of
                                                      far people are willing to push the boundaries of       power in the Senate could fall to an independent
Yes, yes, you’ve heard it all before - another dose   free speech as it is. Of course, there is nothing      such as Hanson. For either a Labor or Liberal
of Hanson-bashing. However, it seems that while       wrong with free speech as an ideal. The problem        government, this could involve significant
the arguments for and against Pauline Hanson          comes when an uninformed opinion is offered up         concessions on social issues. And although, in
have been done to death, there is something           as gospel truth and accepted by those who do not       reality, neither party is that far removed from
slightly more sinister than usual about her latest    have the education to know any better.                 her in ideological terms, given the media beat-up
announcement. Hanson has now informed us that                                                                that would inevitably surround such a situation,
she will be standing as an independent candidate      This is precisely the kind of problem that arose       the damage caused may be far greater.
for a Queensland senate seat. The problem is not      the last time we encountered Pauline Hanson
necessarily so much about Hanson herself – her        in public life (let’s just pretend that Dancing        And with potentially eight or so months to work
own views are not always as extreme as the            with the Stars never happened). This time              out dodgy preference deals before the election,
media would have us believe – but more to do          however, there is even greater potential for           Pauline ‘we are in danger of being swamped by
with what she is seen to represent. In the wake       a harmful result. A decade ago, overt racism           Asians’ Hanson could yet play a significant role in
of the Cronulla riots, and with Border Security       was much more politically incorrect than it            our politics once again.




drought?                                              be child’s play to the restrictions that we should
                                                      actually be taking to preserve our supplies.
                                                                                                             that. There are even plans to buy water from
                                                                                                             farmers wanting to sell entitlements, but this
                                                                                                             too is a short-term solution.


   what                                               The first thing that comes to mind to the non-
                                                      water saving expert, would be to use less water.
                                                      Installing high pressure shower heads, allowing
                                                                                                             Water restrictions are not temporary, as
                                                                                                             Victorians will soon realise, and although the


drought?
inna tsyrlin
                                                      the water from your washing machine to run
                                                      into the garden, re-using the water from you
                                                      bath tub. Although our government is keen on
                                                      promoting water saving techniques, they aren’t
                                                                                                             government can not control weather patterns,
                                                                                                             it can encourage water recycling. Many other
                                                                                                             countries use recycled water and Victorians,
                                                                                                             with our no-end-in sight 10-year-drought, need
                                                      so keen on recycling water.                            to push for the development and building of
Drip, drip, drip. It’s late at night and I can hear                                                          water recycling plants. Even if the water that
                                                      Add this to our rapid population growth. Further
the tap dripping, because once again someone                                                                 will be pumped to households is recycled, it
                                                      solutions have included connecting regional
in my household - I won’t mention any names,                                                                 can still be used as drinking water: it may need
                                                      water supply systems to high value usage
has forgotten to turn the tap all the way off.                                                               to be filtered, but it won’t come out black.
                                                      areas like Melbourne, Geelong and Ballarat.
Yes, we are in a drought, no, we can’t take 20                                                               Our water, our future. The ads might seem like
                                                      Government plans to connect Ballarat to the
minute showers any more, and yet there is no                                                                 environmental propaganda, but they carry a
                                                      Cairn Curran Reservoir on the Loddon system
short-term solution for the fact that we are                                                                 very real and important message: What do we
                                                      could reduce losses in the Loddon and Goulburn
in the middle of one of the worst droughts in                                                                need to do today if we want to be able to put
                                                      irrigation systems, but realistically this is just a
history.                                                                                                     our taps on and see something, even slightly
                                                      quick-fix solution, and a very expensive one at
                                                                                                             resembling water, drip out.
At the time of writing this article, Melbourne
water storages are under 35% full. Unless we
receive massive rainfall or our creeks are
mysteriously filled up by an imaginary hose,
fresh water is running out. The drought is now
in its 10th year and the warning signs have
been very clear to government bodies to start            Lot’s Wife Edition 2
preparing for how low our reservoirs may get.
For those who may have been in denial about
                                                      brings you a very special
how much water was left, Melbourne is in stage          piece of Young Liberal
3 water restriction mode, while parts of Victoria       propaganda. Cut it out
are in stage 4.
                                                       and use it next time you
Stage 3 water restrictions mean no watering           have a drink. Guaranteed
of lawns, no filling up new spas and pools, and
sprinkler systems can only be used at certain
                                                        to make you even less
times. We can no longer use hand held hoses to        appealing to the opposite
wash vehicles, and can only use trigger nozzles                   sex
for garden hoses. People are encouraged to
report breaches of the restrictions by other
households (perfect opportunity to get those
annoying neighbours issued with a fine).
However, if you consider how low our water
levels really are, stage 3 restrictions appear to
11/
National Affairs




                                      Mori enraged at
                                        breakfast
                                                            james massola
David Hicks has been charged with Material            Act of 2006. Congress passed it in September         a number of stages, dating back to 1859. The
Support for Terrorism. Judge Susan Crawford,          [2006]. What was really odd was watching it on       third convention, relating to the treatment of
from the convening authority that refers              C-SPAN…here was Congress debating a law that         Prisoners of War particularly relates to the Hicks
cases to the Special Military Commission, has         had nothing to do with the trials in America. It     case. In total, 194 countries are signatories to
dismissed his charge of Attempted Murder.             was so surreal….they made it clear this would        the Geneva Convention.
                                                      not be used on Americans. It was to be used on
I recently attended a breakfast held by the           the ‘secret’ 14 detainees that were taken out        “One of the rules under the Military Commission
Victorian Law Foundation where Major Michael          of the CIA black sites and put in Guantanamo         Act is that it denies the Defence Counsel access
Mori was the guest of honour. Mori was scathing       (Khalid Sheikh Mohammed among them) …they            to some evidence, and allows prosecutors to
about the extraordinary steps taken to keep           had to import terror to Guantanamo to justify        basically smuggle in evidence that they have
Hicks behind bars. He singled out John Howard         this new law. The President signed it into law in    obtained under coercion. Prosecutors now have
and Philip Ruddock as particularly complicit in       October, and again, this new act, very much like     the power to not reveal sources, methods and
allowing Hicks to be kept for so long without         the old system, gave the power to the Secretary      activities by which evidence was obtained...
charges being laid.                                   of Defence to write the rules and regulations.       they don’t have to tell us how they obtained
                                                      ..It also stripped Habeas jurisdiction. What they    evidence,” Mori said.
Mori said, “Everyone knows that the old system        were trying to do was remove another Hamdi
was found to be illegal by the US Supreme             type case. ”                                         David Hicks is to be tried as an ‘Unlawful
Court in the Hamdi case…(Australia) is the only                                                            Combatant’ – a term that first entered into the
country in the world that has advocated putting       The practice of ‘importing’ terrorists is morally    American Department of Defence dictionary
its citizens through the military commission…         dubious. According to Mori, the importing            in 2004. At present, Hicks is facing charges
The British Attorney-General made it pretty           of terrorists from the so-called black-sites         retrospectively applied, and captive to a system
loud and clear when he announced to the               was motivated by a quest for legitimacy.             that is seemingly being made up as it goes
world that the commission system did not meet         The logic being that if ‘real’ terrorists are in     along. David Hicks is still truly trapped in a
international standards, yet Australian continues     Guantanamo, if the powers-that-be can point          labyrinthine legal system.
to support it.”                                       to Mohammed, for example, and say ‘there sits
                                                      a definite terrorist’ then, almost via osmosis,       As Mori said, “Not much has changed [from the
According to Mori, the reason why David Hicks         guilt-by-association will occur, and increase the    old Military Commission system to the New]...
will be ‘first cab off the rank’ for trial under the   ‘guilt’ of other inmates of Guantanamo.              All these people, the Convening Authority,
new Military Commission is not because John                                                                the Legal Adviser, [they] are picked by the
Howard has pushed Dick Cheney and George              Mori also questioned the terms of the Military       Secretary of Defence. The same people writing
Bush so hard – if it could ever be ‘expeditious’      Commission Act, and the underlying legal             the rules of this [new] system are picking
after 5 years of waiting. Rather, it is because       assumptions. He highlighted a number of              all the participants. There is absolutely no
the ‘real’ terrorists, such Khalid Sheikh             irregularities surrounding the Commission,           independence; it all goes back to the Secretary
Mohammed, the so-called architect of 9/11, are        saying,                                              of Defence…The judiciary will be created by an
also in Guantanamo Bay awaiting trial.                                                                     act of the prosecuting authority. That just can’t
                                                      “I really liked this part…the Military Commission    be acceptable. That does not even give the
The logic behind this is that if a relative nobody    Act declared that it complied with the Geneva        appearance of fairness.”
such as Hicks is tried, and the new system            Convention, and then they are so sure (of
collapses as it is found to be legally invalid (as    themselves) that (they) put this section in ‘No       ‘Looks like Gomer Pyle, pleads like Atticus
the old Military Commission was), then nothing        alien or unlawful enemy combatant subject to         Finch’ was the gist of Mori’s concluding speech.
major will have been lost. Generally speaking,        trial by this military commission in this chapter,   Just like Atticus Finch, Mori has put a number
a person cannot be tried for the same crime           may invoke the Geneva convention.’ Really,           of ‘important people’ offside with his forthright
twice, so Hicks would go before another court         the Military Commission Act was not written to       criticism of the military for whom he works.
(probably the US Supreme Court), and face a           comply with the US Supreme Court Decision…           Even with the threat of personal sanction
lesser charge, and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed             what it did was try to create a system by which      hanging over him, Mori pushes on. If David Hicks
would still have to face the more serious             they undermined the Supreme Court’s Decision,        is to have any chance of getting a fair trial, it
charges that are being lined up for him.              so that we [could no longer say that]… they          will be because of the efforts of this man, and
                                                      have to comply with the Geneva Convention.           his small but growing band of allies. He will
Mori argued that the circumstances surrounding        They declare it, so we are not allowed to cite       need all the powers of Atticus Finch and then
the establishment of the new Military                 it.”                                                 some to secure the release of hicks, as some
Commission were murky, saying;                                                                             seem to have forgotten that it is a sin to kill a
                                                      The exclusion of recourse to the Geneva              mockingbird.
“Following the findings in Hamdi, the response         Convention is a very serious matter. The
in the US was to create the Military Commissions      Geneva Convention has been implemented in
                                                                                                                                   LOT’S WIFE
12/                                                                                                                                STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Global Affairs                                                                                                                     ISSUE 02/2007




                                                                                                       ‘Despite Bainimarama’s claimed motivation
                                                                                                       of wanting to ‘clean up’ Fiji,’ writes Hyland,
                                                                                                       ‘Australian officials are convinced he grabbed
                                                                                                       power to head off a police investigation into
                                                                                                       his role in events surrounding an army mutiny
                                                                                                       in November 2000.’ Pretty handy way to halt
                                                                                                       a police investigation into possible murder
                                                                                                       charges, especially when the government being

                             Dirty politics                                                            ousted has inspired widespread dissatisfaction.
                                                                                                       Australian and New Zealand sanctions have
                                                                                                       targeted leaders and their collaborators rather
                           and the                                                                     than the ordinary people who, of course always


                                    people
                                      on
                                                                                                       suffer most from such upheavals, but this
                                                                                                       doesn’t quite equate to bums on seats in the
                                                                                                       resorts, and understandably so. Not only do the
                                                                                                       paranoid conservative consumers stop going in

                                   the street                                                          droves – ‘who knows, darling, those nasty army
                                                                                                       blighters might bomb the Hilton just as we’re
                                                                                                       finishing the hors d’oeuvres,’ but those of us
                                                                                                       who have no great love for violent arrogance
                                                                                                       will consider travelling elsewhere for our
                                                                                                       summer holidays also.

                                 geoff berry                                                           This issue troubled me after the coup was
                                                                                                       announced (I’d purchased my flight tickets
                                                                                                       before the troubles began). Should I still
                                                                                                       travel to a country run by thugs, where a
                                                                                                       democratically elected government had been
                                                                                                       shoved aside by the military? My political
                                                                                                       conscience pricked. But, out on the islands,
                                                                                                       I was glad I’d continued on with my travel
                                                                                                       plans – and so were the locals. With numbers
                                                                                                       down, many villagers were struggling to stay
                                                                                                       in work, and the tourist dollar outside of the
                                                                                                       major resorts goes directly to them in much
I returned from the newest military dictatorship    hawking) often encountered on Asian holidays.      greater proportions than in many other popular
on the block just in time to pen this article                                                          destinations. However, this doesn’t make the
before deadline. I’ve never toured Fiji before,     As such, it’s pretty easy to find out what the      current political situation in Fiji any less odious.
and looked forward to my time lazing away on        remote island people think of Fiji’s latest coup   Critics of the junta are being violently repressed
tropical beaches (cocktail in hand, of course),     - it sucks only because it stops foreigners from   (Hyland highlights the beatings meted out to
snorkelling across achingly beautiful reefs just    going there in the same weight of numbers          outspoken businesswoman Laisa Digitaki) and
a few steps from the white sandy beaches, and       as would usually be expected. On the other         dissent is targeted by those in power.
generally enjoying the relaxed lifestyle on ‘Fiji   hand, many people will openly admit that the
time’. And yup, even in the wake of General         coup might not be such a bad thing in political    The question for ordinary Fijians (of any cultural
Bainimarama’s bloodless, but still nasty little     terms, because the previous government was         background), is whether or not the General
coup, islanders enjoy taking their sweet time       so disastrously corrupt. The same ills that seem   will see sense and set dates for democratically
over every small detail of life. Relaxing, it       to beleaguer so many fledgling democracies,         held elections and a return to the rule of law,
seems, is what Fijians do best.                     such as unrelenting cronyism, were seen            and if so how long this will take. The longer
                                                    as a cancer that may be cut out by direct          everyone is forced to wait for peace to return
We’re a long way from Suva, the capital and         intervention in a way that just seems to take      to Fiji, the worse the situation on the ground
site of any likely breakout of military force.      too long in the conventional manner. I even        becomes. The coup may have removed a corrupt
Out here in the islands, there’s only one sign of   spoke with educated tourists who questioned        government, but it has done so at the cost
trouble, and it’s the only one the locals don’t     why a military takeover should necessarily be      of stability, freedom, and economic welfare
want to see. As in Bali, it’s the drop in tourist   considered wrong. My opinion is that it cannot     for the people. This is liberation in no-one’s
trade that really hurts the people who rely on      be otherwise, as without rule of law, we are       language: for Bainimarama it is power and an
it for their livelihoods. That doesn’t mean that    too soon at the mercy of force of arms (unless     escape from police attention, for the wider
anyone here is going to starve just because the     the human race has overnight become a whole        world it is yet another destabilised country
hotels are nearly empty - there’s always cassava    lot more trustworthy than I recall from history    unable to adapt to the challenges of democracy
in the ground, fruit on the trees, and fish in the   lessons and current affairs programs).             in a capitalist economic framework, and for
sea. It’s the drive toward a better life - basics                                                      the people it further distances both peace and
such as Western education and medicine as well      It was with this unease in mind that I read        prosperity. While true freedom may only really
as relative luxuries such as TV and reef sandals,   Tom Hyland’s report in the Sunday Age on the       be encapsulated in an attitude, it will never be
that stands to lose out. Tourists are welcome       flight home (February 4th), which reveals the       secured in an atmosphere of military force.
in Fiji, and the people are friendly and helpful,   sordid details behind the General’s personal
with few of the dramas (such as incessant           situation leading up to his military action.
13/
Global Affairs


Lot’s Watch: The race for the White House                                                      her party’s support. When discussing the current     This was interpreted by a large chunk of the
Sean Gleeson takes a look                                                                      Democratic candidates for the election, Rupert       electorate as being tantamount to an insult
                                                                                               Murdoch recently said of Hillary Clinton: “she’s     directed at stay-at-home mothers. The lingering
at Hillary Clinton and the                                                                     the best of the lot, but she’s unelectable”.         memory of incidents like these run the risk of
                                                                                               Murdoch’s own Fox News channel has been              alienating more conservative voters who may
Democratic Nomination                                                                          notorious for disparaging Clinton since she first     otherwise be willing to support a Democratic
battle                                                                                         ran for a New York senate seat in 2000.              candidate.

The next US presidential elections are just                                                    Clinton faces an uphill battle. By making New        Clinton may also suffer from the legacy of her
over a year and a half away, and barring the                                                   York her home state, Clinton faces the usual         husband. Bill Clinton’s failed public healthcare
imposition of martial law, the Democratic Party                                                pitfalls of being labeled an “east-coast liberal”.   reforms, inaction on the Rwandan genocide
look set to regain executive office purely by                                                   This stereotype has a pejorative association         and a pissweak Middle East peace plan leave
virtue of the public backlash from the Iraq                                                    in American political culture, that suggests an      Hillary at risk of transference. Furthermore,
War. While much of the world waits to give a                                                   air of elitism and condescension towards the         the current trend in neoconservative thought
collective sigh of relief at the coming end of                                                 “average” Americans. This tact is employed           blames Bill’s alleged unwillingness to dismantle
the Bush Administration, it is worth examining                                                 by John Howard when he denigrates anything           Al Qaeda before the September 11th attacks. A
the current front-runner for the Democratic                                                    he considers elitist as running contrary to the      Republican opponent sufficiently distant from
nomination and considering her chances.                                                        ideals of ‘middle’ Australians. This stereotype      the prosecution of the Iraq War who can make
                                                                                               has been used to great effect against past           this idea gain currency could offer a serious
Of all the announced candidates, Hillary                                                       Democratic nominees, most recently with John         challenge to Clinton in the election.
Clinton appears at first glance to be in the best                                               Kerry in 2004.
position to secure her party’s nomination. With                                                                                                     To be fair, the Democratic primaries are still a
financial backing that far surpasses the funds                                                  Clinton has been in the political spotlight          year away, and trying to call a winner for the
of her main rivals, and being associated with                                                  for an extended period of time on account            nomination is difficult at this early stage. As
a presidency much more competent than the                                                      of her husband’s presidency, and has made a          Hillary’s husband found in 1992, the competition
present one, Clinton’s camp would seem to have                                                 number of gaffes that could alienate potential       for the Democratic nomination can still produce
an advantage over the other relatively unknown                                                 voters. For instance: while campaigning for her      a dark horse candidate to sweep the field.
or inexperienced contenders in next year’s                                                     husband in 1992, Clinton made a remark about         Her success will be contingent on whether she
Democratic primaries.                                                                          renouncing the privileges of staying home and        manages to mitigate the above mentioned
                                                                                               making cookies in favour of starting a law firm.      drawbacks.
However, Clinton is far from guaranteed to win

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BTB_MATTER_120x165_potrait_v3.indd 1                                                                    1/02/2007 12:44:28 PM
                                                                                                                                   LOT’S WIFE
14/                                                                                                                                STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Global Affairs                                                                                                                     ISSUE 02/2007




      seige
        in sarajevo
                                         alissa harnath


For centuries, the Balkan region has been the       (Republika Srpska) which was to include the          In January 1993, work began on a tunnel to
centre of some of the world’s most violent          Bosnian territory.                                   link Sarajevo with the ‘outside world’. Bosnian
ethnic conflicts. Throughout this period, the                                                             citizens volunteered to work on the tunnel:
Serb, Croat and Slovene peoples have fought         On May 2nd 1992, the VRS blockaded Sarajevo,         two volunteers worked with a pick and a
tyranny, dictatorship and ethnic persecution.       preventing anyone from entering or leaving the       shovel, while others took the earth away in
In 1991, when the most recent Balkan conflict        city. All major roads leading into the city were     wheelbarrows. Creating the tunnel was an
erupted, no one predicted that it would last for    cut; trucks containing food and medical supplies     extremely delicate operation. A live electricity
ten years, and involve the longest siege in the     were prevented from entering the city, and           cable along one side of the tunnel and an oil
history of modern warfare.                          essential services such as water and electricity     pipeline on the other proved difficult neighbours
                                                    were cut off. The citizens of Sarajevo were          for the workers. Many volunteers worked in
After the creation of the Second Yugoslavia         stranded – they had no way to escape from the        eight-hour shifts for six months to complete
after WWII, the Yugoslav government kept a          isolated city, and no aid was allowed in to help     the 800 metre tunnel, which ran beneath the
watchful eye on nationalist movements amongst       them.                                                runway of the Sarajevo airport. In the end it
its many ethnic groups. After the tragedies of                                                           proved worthwhile as food, medical supplies,
two World Wars on the European continent in         For weeks the Bosnians and Serbs fought in and       and even arms were smuggled into the city,
thirty years, the memories were still fresh in      around the city. The Bosnians far outnumbered        while some people (usually only high-ranking
the minds of many and the government feared         the Serbs, but had inferior weapons and no           politicians or wealthy citizens) were able to get
such movements would lead to the eventual           supplies. As a result, instead of attempting to      out.
disintegration of the state, spreading chaos        capture Sarajevo directly, the Serbs shelled
across the Balkans.                                 the city from their surrounding mountain             It was not a pleasant trip though. The tunnel
                                                    stronghold. The Serbs destroyed most of the          was just 1.5 metres high, and around the same
Josep Bruz Tito became President of Yugoslavia      infrastructure in the city – more than 35,000        in width. It was often flooded – sometimes
in 1953, after a period as the Prime Minister       buildings were ruined - and most of what             intentionally by Serb forces who had tried to
and Minister of Foreign Affairs. Somehow, he        remained was badly damaged.                          build another tunnel underneath a lake, so that
was able to hold the nation together and there                                                           the tunnel would collapse and the Bosnians
was little internal conflict during the twenty-      For many weeks, the United Nations member            would again be trapped. This only further
seven years of his Presidency. When Tito died,      states looked on at Yugoslavia disintegrating        enhanced the danger posed by the electricity
many were concerned that his successors would       from within. Eventually the UN stepped in, but       cable. Some days there was too much water and
not be able to continue to hold the nation          only for Sarajevo and Bosnia - their primary         it was not safe for people to enter the tunnel.
together. Divisions between ethnic groups were      role was bringing aid to the citizens trapped        Despite this, some people were so desperate
mounting; Slobodan Milosevic emerged as the         in Sarajevo. Initially, the UN secured Sarajevo      they went ahead anyway. Ultimately the Serbs
leader of the Serbian people, reigniting tensions   airport for aid flights, but it became a gateway      were unsuccessful in their sabotage attempts
between Albanians and Serbs within Serbia, as       for journalists, NATO, and UN officials as well. In   though, and the tunnel remained open until the
well as between other ethnic groups throughout      fact, the UN did not actually have control of the    end of the siege, helping to ensure the city’s
Yugoslavia. Eventually, these tensions would        airport. The Serbs allowed the UN to use it on       survival.
escalate into the Yugoslav Wars of the 1990s.       the proviso that all flights, passengers and goods
                                                    must be approved by Serbian officials stationed       More than twelve thousand people died during
One of the most significant of these conflicts,       at the airport. While Serb officials approved         the siege of Sarajevo, and of those who
the siege of Sarajevo began on April 5th, 1992      many aid flights, Bosnian civilians had no chance     managed to escape, few returned. Sarajevo
and lasted until February 29th, 1996, after the     of escaping the conflict through the Sarajevo         was reduced almost to ruins: the population in
Bosnian government declared itself independent      airport. Serbian forces also continuously shelled    February 1996 was half of that in April 1992.
from Yugoslavia. For 1,426 days, the forces         the airport and shot at planes. In reality, the      The tunnel provided essential aid and food to
of the Yugoslav People’s Army (JNA) and the         airport was no safer under apparent UN control       the citizens of the city, and had it not been for
Bosnian Serb forces (VRS) united against the        than before they secured it. Bosnian citizens        the bravery and dedication of those who worked
Bosnian Government forces, seeking to destroy       needed a way out of the city – it seemed the         on it, many more would have perished.
the newly-independent state of Bosnia and           only way out was underground.
Herzegovina and instead create a Serbian state
15/
Global Affairs




            Liberating the World
                     is the
             US a rightful global
                policeman or is
            there more at stake?
                                                        Johanna Morris

                 September 11, 2001 launched the world into a        Afghanistan and Iraq. What has to be asked is
                 new era. What has become known as the ‘Bush         why he would pour so much into wars that are
                 Doctrine’ emerged after these attacks; a policy     so unpopular and would do so at the expense
                 aimed at combating terrorism by ‘liberating’        of his country’s education, health care and
                 the countries that breed terrorist networks. Yet    children’s needs? The answer may be that
                 as the years go on and we continue to fight an       this war is not about stopping terrorism and
                 undefined enemy for unclear reasons, we have         liberating the world as much as it is about
                 to wonder as to the validity of the US cause. Are   putting money into the war machine.
                 they helping make the world safer or is there
                 something more at stake? Is this new war really     President Bush clearly wants his country
                 about fighting terrorism or is it more about         to prosper and he knows that war is very
                 future economic gains?                              profitable. He will likely see returns on this
                                                                     money as more jobs are created to fulfil
                 The public rationale behind this doctrine has       contracts made to build more weapons, ships,
                 always been that to stop terrorism the US needs     planes and electronic systems. It is a widely
                 to neutralise threats before they emerge. This      known fact that war boosts the economy and
                 is to be done by changing the cultures that         it could be the reason why the US continues to
                 breed hatred and fanaticism. It has become          pursue such an unpopular agenda. While the
                 clear though that there is more to the problem      country is currently running a financial deficit,
                 than this. The US has used the 9/11 attacks as a    Bush has suggested that after he leaves office,
                 basis for carrying out an agenda, one that gives    the country will be in surplus. Previous wars
                 them the supposed right to act as the global        have shown that while it may take a lot of
                 policeman ‘saving’ the ‘backward’ states from       money to fund the initial war effort, industry
                 themselves and instilling democracy. They have      can be the big winner as the economy booms,
                 given themselves the right to start wars.           and this is perhaps what the President is
                                                                     counting on.
                 Originally, this was something that garnered
                 great support. After the outrage that Americans     So whether the US has the right to ‘liberate’
                 felt towards the events of 9/11, the decision to    the world or not, and they do seem to believe
                 hit terrorism hard and take pre-emptive action      9/11 has given them this mandate, it becomes
                 was widely supported. As the years drag on and      clearer as the years go by that it’s not just
                 the casualties of the Iraq war stack up, public     about winning the war. If their goal was really
                 opinion is changing and bi-partisan support has     to spread the principles of liberty, individual
                 dissolved. Yet, while US citizens are protesting    freedoms and the rule of law, surely they would
                 in their droves and America’s allies are backing    use means that would be more likely to deliver
                 off, the Bush Administration fights on.              that outcome. It appears that this self made
                                                                     global policeman has in fact become a little
                 Recently President Bush announced a further         corrupt.
                 21,500 troops would be sent to Iraq and his
                 new budget plans to put US$245 billion into
   MySpace              darrell hawkins

   the beast consuming our
   generation
I knew that MySpace had the capacity to be          friends’ profiles (and those of their friends’        will be. But what would you value more; two
harmful to my mental health when I started          friends) for hours that there really is no content   or three close friends or a hundred people who
comparing where my friends had ranked me in         on the site of any value. It stands apart from       just want to add your name to a list?
comparison to where I had ranked them. The          the other ‘revolutionary’ new sites in that it       As I felt the pain of not being ranked a ‘Top
whole premise of ranking friends can only result    offers nothing of any benefit to society. YouTube     Friend’ by one of my friends, I woke up to the
in pain, jealousy and pride. I just couldn’t help   brings entertainment; a cleverly made video          destructive game I was playing. I could choose
but feel robbed by people I had ranked as ‘Top      helps us to love the world in which we live a        one of two directions. I could have continued
Friends’ treating me like a meaningless scrap       little more. Wikipedia allows us to learn more       on my pursuit for MySpace recognition, posting
in a pile of hundreds of people; I was merely a     about whatever our heart desires, without            obsequious comments everywhere I could,
number to add to their totals.                      blocking us out with pretentious academic            searching for hours for victims to add to my
                                                    words.                                               tally of ‘friends’ and doing all I could to work
MySpace is nothing about what it claims to                                                               my way up the ladders, or I could walk away
be: it is not a social networking site; rather,     I think C.S. Lewis sums up the MySpace school        and leave behind the force that I could see
it is an altar of self-worship where individuals    of thought when he writes of pride, ‘It is the       consuming me emotionally and leaving me an
can reassure themselves that they are in fact       comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure        insecure shadow of my former self.
‘popular’. People add complete strangers to         of being above the rest. Once the element of
their Friends list just to show their peers that    competition has gone, pride has gone.’ MySpace       I could not even leave the site with dignity;
they are socially superior. Instead of privately    is a way to say to the world, ‘Look at me! I’m       the sense of self-importance it fosters had
communicating via email or phone, people post       here and I’m better than you! And 145 people         infiltrated me too far already in a few short
weekend plans on other friends’ spaces in order     agree with me!’                                      months. As I cancelled my account, I couldn’t
to show the world how many engagements they                                                              help but wonder if people would notice I was
have (and of course to receive the customary        MySpace lovers may read this and simply say          gone.
reply which adds value to their own space).         that I am whingeing because I am not popular.
I am sure people know that as they browse           I’ve never been popular and I probably never




                                                           cartoon by Belinda Wiliams
                                                                                                                   LOT’S WIFE
17/                                                                                                                STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Music                                                                                                              ISSUE 02/2007




                                                                                                                     management
        Digital Rights Management has been the talk of the town ever since
        Steve Jobs suggested that it be scrapped. Sarah Jackson takes a look
        at what all the fuss is about

        What is Digital Rights Management                   quality of those tracks is protected. This is
                                                            because record companies are more likely to
        (DRM) and why does it exist?




                                                                                                                 digital rights
                                                            offer a greater number of artists/tracks for
                                                            download if they’ve been guaranteed some form
        Digital Rights Management refers to the hidden      of protection against peer to peer file sharing.
        encoding in songs downloaded from online music
        stores such as Apple iTunes. DRM acts as a form     DRM also protects record companies by forcing
        of copy protection enabling companies to limit      people to buy an artists album if they wish to
        the use of a track once it has been purchased.      have full control over their music purchases,
        Encoded tracks can only be played on devices        thereby safe guarding against falling record
        that are equipped to handle the specific DRM         sales.
        of the company from which the track has been
        purchased. To be precise, Apple iTunes tracks,      The biggest criticism of DRM comes from
        which are protected by Apple’s ‘Fairplay DRM’,      consumers, who say that DRM affects the
        are restricted to play only on Apple iPods.         interoperability between downloaded songs
        Microsoft Zune tracks can only operate on Zune      and the devices used to play them. Consumers
        players.                                            feel that they’re being tricked or forced
                                                            into purchasing songs and products from one
        DRM exists because the worlds four biggest          company, in order to play songs which they
        record companies EMI, Sony BMG, Universal           believe they should have a right to play on
        and Warner, who control 70 percent of the           whatever device they choose.
        worlds music, agreed to license the rights to
        their catalogues to stores like iTunes, on the
        condition that DRM be included on each track.       The future of online music
        With tracks wrapped by DRM, it was suggested        downloads
        that online piracy of music would be more
        readily controlled and the record companies         Jobs raises the possibility of Apple licensing out
        catalogues easily protected.                        its Fairplay DRM to other online music sites,
                                                            making it possible for iTunes tracks to be played
        Why is it relevant?                                 on Zune players and the like. However, one
                                                            stipulation of Apple’s licensing agreement with
        Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, caused a major stir       the 4 record companies is that any problems
        at the beginning of February, when he posted a      with its software must be repaired in a short
        letter online titled ‘Thoughts on Music’. In what   space of time. Therefore, if Apple were to
        was seen by many consumers of online music as       license out is Fairplay system, it would not
        a giant leap forward in the freedom of digital      be able to guarantee the delivery of a quickly
        downloads, Jobs called for the scrapping of DRM     repaired system if anyone were to crack its
        on all digital tracks.                              DRM encoding. The record companies would
                                                            therefore more than likely deny Apple the
        The article states that 90% of music sold           licensing rights to their massive catalogue of
        worldwide (through CDs) is DRM free.                songs.
        Consequently, online downloads account for
        only 10% of business for the world’s four major     The easiest way to overcome consumer
        record labels. Jobs’ justification for DRM           confusion over DRM interoperability is to scrap
        removal was that it hasn’t, as was initially        it all together. Were DRM to be abandoned,
        foreseen, had any effect on music piracy, as        it would likely see an increase in the amount
        90% of music purchases can already be readily       of people downloading songs from stores like
        purchased and pirated from CDs.                     iTunes. As a result, record companies could
                                                            surely increase their licensing fee and continue
        Jobs goes on to highlight research which shows      to make a packet from music lover’s world
        that on average only 22 of a possible 1000          wide.
        songs on every iPod have been downloaded
        from online sites. Thus, DRM does not affect a      In short, Steve Jobs, Apple and the record
        consumer’s ability to fill their iPod with tracks    companies are set to make a ton of cash if DRM
        from a variety of sources, as has previously        is shown the door. Jobs’ concern about DRM is
        been argued.                                        not due to an anomalous compassion for music
                                                            lovers, but a desire to continue to feed his hip
                                                            pocket. Nevertheless, consumers will benefit
        The pros and cons of DRM and who                    from DRM-free tracks by being able to transfer
        it affects                                          their songs between devices, as well as by
                                                            gaining access to a growing catalogue of songs
        The main benefit of DRM (according to record         which should remain at reasonable prices.
        companies) is that it increases the available
        catalogue of downloadable songs and that the
    the songs that
    changed the
    world
For a long time, musicians have                    the Queen, She ain’t no human being, There’s         The song reached its peak of international
                                                   no future, In England’s dreaming”                    popularity after a wave of protests across
used their position to fight for                                                                         Europe in reaction to the US deployment of
what they believe in through their                 Though claiming the song wasn’t written              missiles in West Germany in January, 1984.
                                                   specifically for the Queen’s Jubilee, the band
songs. Cathy Thwaites takes a                      intended to play the song on the day of the
look at the major events of recent                                                                      and now…
                                                   ceremony, from a barge on the River Thames,
decades, and the hit songs that                    just outside Westminster Palace. However,            Major events in recent history have garnered
                                                   members of the band were arrested due to a
were inspired from them.                           fight occurring before the launch. ‘God Save
                                                                                                        similar attention from artists around the world.
                                                                                                        A wash of anti-Bush opinion is demonstrated via
                                                   The queen’ was released to controversy, with         songs such as Green Day’s ‘American Idiot’, Neil
the sixties                                        the BBC banning airplay and some record stores       Young’s ‘Lets Impeach The President’, and Pink’s
                                                   refusing to stock the single. It reached number      ‘Dr. Mr. President’. Meanwhile, protests against
The US involvement in the Vietnam War during       2 in the UK charts, with rumours remaining that      the effects of globalisation and corporatisation
the sixties saw heavy opposition from the          there was interference preventing the song           can been heard in The Gorillaz ‘Feel Good Inc’,
artistic community. John Lennon was the figure-     from reaching number one.                            and Radiohead’s ‘Fitter, Happier’.
head of this opposition, with his infamous
anti-war anthem, ‘Give Peace A Chance’ being       the eighties                                         It’s difficult to verify what real effect a song
recorded in 1969 during his ‘Bed-In’ with Yoko                                                          can have on public opinion. At the very least,
Ono in Montreal, Canada. The song reached          99 Red Balloons by German singer Nena was a          these songs provided a soundtrack for a moment
number 14 on the US Billboard charts and           huge hit worldwide in 1983, topping the US and       in history. They may have even inspired greater
number 2 in the UK. It has remained hugely         UK charts. It’s a sprightly little tune you might    action from those people who would generally
popular in the subsequent 30 years, and has        have noticed Drew Barrymore singing along to         be apathetic towards politics. Even if that
been re-released twice with a cast of numerous     in ‘The Wedding Singer’. The track has been          inspiration is only due to upping the credibility
artists it on the behest of Yoko Ono, first in      covered countless times, most recently on the        of a cause by attaching a celebrity, it can hardly
1991 against the Gulf war, and again after the     part of ‘Me First and the Gimme Gimmes’.             be seen as a negative. Bob Geldolf was quoted
September 11 attacks.                              Despite its sunny overtones, the original German     recently in relation to his Live 8 concerts,
                                                   version, ‘99 Luft Balloons’, was a comment on        saying that “guys with guitars and keyboards
the seventies                                      the Cold War, describing a nuclear war triggered     can now help to write world policy,” and in
                                                   as an overreaction to the sight of red balloons in   an age where the line between celebrity and
The British Punk era in the late seventies saw a   the sky.                                             politics is increasingly blurred, it’s more than
wave of anti-establishment and anti-monarchist                                                          likely that he is correct.
sentiment, which was reflected in the music of      “99 red balloons, floating in the summer sky.
seminal punk bands including the Sex Pistols and   Panic bells, it’s red alert. There’s something
The Clash. ‘God Save The Queen’ was recorded       here from somewhere else. The war machine
by the Sex Pistols in 1977.                        springs to life. Opens up one eager eye.
                                                   Focusing it on the sky. Where 99 red balloons go
“God save the Queen, Her fascist regime, They      by.”
made you a moron, Potential h-bomb, God save
                                  review
                          the
                            cd
Klaxons – Myths of the Near
Future
                                                                     Bloc Party – A Weekend In The
(Modular: 2007)
                                                                     City
                                                                     (2007: V2/Shock)
How can I summarise this
album’s brilliance in so                                             It was always going to be a little
few words? Well, it’s like                                           difficult for Bloc Party. After
this: with Myths of the Near                                         releasing a debut album that was
Future, the Klaxons have                                             both commercially and critically
                                 Dead Frenchmen –
                                                                     salivated upon, the stakes were
issued a manifesto for music     Wonderland                          high. There have been many bands        Of Montreal – Hissing Fauna,
in the 21st century, offering    (2007: Timberyard Records) in recent years that were hugely                 Are You The Destroyer?
an album so singular that it                                         hyped after their first album, only      (Popfrenzy, 2007)
contains the materials and       I’m pleased to announce that Dead to release a disappointing album
                                 Frenchmen are more than just a      after. Bloc Party haven’t done this.
ideas for transforming pop                                                                                   Of Montreal have made a break-up
                                 really cool name. They’re a great They’ve released a good album, it’s
itself. “We can find things                                                                                   album of great emotional weight
                                 band, that’s just released a really just not great.
in the future, in the mythic,                                                                                from the lightest elements – synth-
                                 cohesive debut album.               On A Weekend In The City, Bloc          pop, funk bass-lines, candy beats
schizoid and eclectic,” say                                          Party (AWITC), with the help of star    and dreamy melodies. At first this
the Klaxons, “and we can still   When I say ‘cohesive’ I mean that producer Jacknife Lee (U2, Snow
                                                                                                             incongruity hits you as a terrible
                                 Wonderland is an album that isn’t Patrol, Kasabian) decided the only
make them palatable. We                                                                                      mistake: an unresolved tension
                                 rough around the edges; it sounds way to go from their debut was
can tear out pop melody and                                                                                  that constantly frustrates with
                                 streets ahead of what you’d expect bigger, brighter and bolder. From
perfection from the murkiest                                                                                 its fruitiness. After a few listens
                                 from a debut album, in its song     listening to the album however,         however, this ‘mistake’ melts
and most surprising places,      writing, production, and how well- it seems that all three of those
                                                                                                             into an amazing conceit and you
from swathes of darkness.”       rehearsed the band sound. From      goals were attempted through the        realise the genius of the band
                                 listening to Wonderland, you’d      mixing desk, rather than through
Musically, the album itself                                                                                  – everything makes sense because,
                                 easily be mistaken in thinking this the band members themselves.
builds on deceptively simple                                                                                 rather than have singer Kevin
                                 was the second or third effort from As a consequence, while the first
song structures and motifs,                                                                                  Barnes (who recently split with
                                 the band.                           four tracks on the album, including     his wife) mope into his acoustic
progressively layering them                                          the lead single ‘The Prayer’ have       guitar for a whole album, the band
into intense and expansive       Together with drummer Greg          great riffs and pulsing drums           have found a way to musically
                                 Doig, and bassist Toby Dundas,      that are now iconic of the ‘Bloc
pop songs. They run through                                                                                  manifest the gamut of conflicting
                                 the band exhibits none of the       Party sound’, they lack any of the
dance,     shimmering     pop,                                                                               emotions one experiences after
                                 NY pretentiousness, and instead     conviction that made their first
rave, post-punk and more,                                                                                    the catastrophe of love-loss. So at
                                 exudes a genuine intensity that     album so endearing. Instead, the        one pole you have Heimdalsgate
juxtaposing sounds and adding    only comes from a band loving what songs on AWITC sound decidedly
                                                                                                             Like a Promethean Curse, a
their own unique element into    they do. The trio have managed      hollow, which is also partially a       restless and bouncy song about
                                 many great moments on the album, result of so many of the tracks
the mix to form an arresting                                                                                 the release drugs seem to offer,
                                 with songs like ‘Passenger’ and     having long-winded openings or
tapestry. Lyrically, it is a                                                                                 and at the other end you’ve got
                                 ‘Out Of Phase’ sounding fantastic. breaks devoted to lead singer Kele
fantasy record: an escape into                                                                               the amazing 12-minute epic The
                                 However, one criticism is that at   Okereke hurting my ears with his        Past is a Grotesque Animal (great
surreal territory replete with   times it seems that the album lacks falsetto.
                                                                                                             title, hey?), in which unrelenting
highbrow literary references.    variation, with some tracks tending While there are some great songs
                                                                                                             bass-lines and drum-beat wash
                                 to sound a little too much like     on the album that will surely find
The unrelenting and driving                                                                                  over Barnes’ now desperate vocals
                                 the previous one, partly because    their way onto indie dance floors
rhythms of their Xan Valleys                                                                                 touch the depths of personal
                                 the levels of the instruments on    around the world (Song for Clay,
EP remain, especially on                                                                                     despair, or “my own disaster” as
                                 each track sound exactly the same Hunting for Witches), in trying to
                                                                                                             Barnes puts it. Between these
tracks like the re-recorded      throughout the album.               be the jack of all trades, Bloc Party   extremes there’s a sense of
Atlantis to Interzone and the                                        simply come off as the master of        entropy, melancholy, giddiness,
                                 Wonderland is a great album as far none.
hypnotic mantra-chant of                                                                                     even suggestions of violence both
                                 as debut albums go, and hopefully, At time of going to press, Bloc
Magick, but they sit beside                                                                                  musically and lyrically, often
                                 if the band tries some new things Party have announced they will
bristling pop numbers like                                                                                   conflicting within the one song. If
                                 with their song writing, their      be playing this year at Splendour       you can grasp their concept, Of
opener Two Receivers, a          sophomore effort will be something In The Grass, plus a Melbourne
                                                                                                             Montreal propel you through an
clean and voluptuous track       to eagerly anticipate.              sideshow.                               overwhelming span of emotions.
of techno strings and soaring    Michael Kalenderian                 Michael Kalenderian                     Lawson Fletcher
                                                                                                                                LOT’S WIFE
20/                                                                                                                             STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Wom*n’s                                                                                                                         ISSUE 02/2007




State - sponsored violence
against women          monique wicks
State-sponsored violence against women occurs      state-sponsored violence against women.            happen to you. Physical violence - being chased,
frequently in Australia, without question. This                                                       beaten, kicked.
was only emphasised by the police violence         It is not the job of police to assault members
against women at the G20 protests in               of the community. Under any circumstances. It      I have heard too many stories of women who
Melbourne.                                         is the role of the police to protect individuals   have been assaulted at the hands of the State.
                                                   from harm. Under every circumstance. (Yes,         This violence is not isolated to the convergence
I was assaulted by four men on the weekend.        even when big business comes to town).             against G20 (when we are supposed to have
One grabbed my arm and pulled me to the                                                               expected it). Women at environmental rallies
ground. One placed both hands on my chest          I will share with you two particular examples of   who without warning have been charged by
and pushed, and pushed until I fell back. One      this state-sponsored violence against women.       baton-wielding police. Women demonstrators
punched me in the face. And One struck me          One night a pink Cadillac, freshly painted,        named “Slut”. “Cunt”. “Whore”. Women
repeatedly with a long pole.                       planted with seedlings of endangered species       incarcerated and beaten by their jailor.
                                                   and equipped with a solar-powered sound            Separated from friends. Taunted.
I was assaulted by four men on the weekend,        system, parked itself outside Parliament House.
and now I walk the streets afraid. I can’t walk    Two women locked-on. The police forbade            International Law directs the State to
alone. I can’t be in crowds. I begin to shake      moving the car beyond this point. And so, for 5    protect women from violence and the threat
when I see men who look like my attackers.         hours the car and its chaperones celebrated in     of violence. In 1993 the UN adopted the
                                                   the streets - much dancing was had. Until the      Declaration on the Elimination of Violence
I was assaulted by four men on the weekend,        police returned, wielding batons and throwing      against Women, which addresses violence
and now I receive looks of pity in response to     people away from the car. One woman was            against women as a human rights violation.
my injuries: Right cheek: swelling, tenderness,    pushed to the ground by four male police           Women’s right to be free from violence is
slight discoloring; Left Upper Arm: Large          officers, kicked in the ribs and beaten with        also set out in General Recommendation No.
swelling, bruising - 28x17cms; Left Upper Ribs:    batons. She suffered (among other things)          19 of the Committee on the Elimination of
tenderness, bruising - 13x8 cms. I went to the     a heavy concussion. Another police officer          Discrimination against Women.
hospital to X-ray my ribs and was asked: “did      removed his badge before punching me in the
you take a bit of a fall?”                         face, threatening to “clean me up”.                The International community demands that:
                                                                                                      1. States must respect rights. Government
I was assaulted by four men on the weekend,        The next day a small group of musicians (mainly    officials, or those acting with the authorization
but its okay. Because they were police. And just   students, and again mainly women) congregated      of the state, must not commit acts of violence
Doing Their Job.                                   outside the Melbourne Museum to greet G20-         against women.
                                                   delegates on their day trip. The women played      2. States must protect women’s rights. The
I have a number of complaints about events         their music and danced in the doorways of          state and its agents must take effective
during and beyond the G20 protests in              the museum, until, without prior notice, the       measures to prevent other individuals or groups
Melbourne. That the property damage caused by      police charged. One woman fell to the ground,      (including private enterprises and corporations)
a small contingent of protesters was somehow       convulsing, and had to be carried away as the      from violating the human rights of women.
more devastating than the real violence            police still chased with batons. Reinforcements    3. States must also fulfill women’s rights. States
enacted by police. That the protesters have        were called - our small group of women was         must ensure the appropriate infrastructure to
been vilified, described variously as being         soon met with a force of approx 100 police, and    support laws, policies and practices to eliminate
from interstate, and being from overseas. A        250 riot police. We left once the ambulance had    violence against women. States are expected to
highly trained violent guerilla army, a group of   arrived (which the police had refused to call)     report on the progress of such laws and policies
individuals acting to suit their own agendas.      and were marched blocks away.                      and to modify features that are ineffective.
Anarchists, socialists, individualists. So many    Is this what a police state looks like?
labels, so much sensationalism from all angles.                                                       Eliminating State-Sponsored Violence Against
Right-wing corporate media publishing photos of    Community groups and governments alike run         Women is clearly yet another expectation from
peaceful protesters and a dial-a-thug hotline.     public campaigns to Stop Violence Against          the International community that Australia has
Left-wing groups putting out calls for the “real   Women. Yet no one seems to acknowledge the         chosen to disregard.
left” to isolate these demonstrators. And not a    violence that women often meet at the hands
skerrick of truth or perspective amongst them.     of the State. Violence that occurs when roups      My body is my own - I will not lose it to the
                                                   of men come to break up a protest, action,         state.
At the end of the day, police used extreme force   or blockade held by women. Violence that is        I was assaulted by four men on the weekend,
to threaten and injure peaceful protesters.        perpetrated against women held in custody (be      and it is not okay.
Large groups of predominately male police          it short term or long). Psychological Violence
against small groups of predominately female       - the threat of aggression, the fear to walk
community members. This is nothing more than       the streets, the uncertainty over what could
21/
Queer




  Liberation Now
      Accounts of the ‘swinging 60s’ presented to      much solace in the company of other queers,          society that could be challenged. Through
      us in the media make us think that the period    where for the first time in their lives they          this process of challenging society’s
      was a broiling melting pot of sexual activity,   could relax and enjoy each others company            assumptions about the roles men and wom*n
      freedom and a breaking down of the social        without constant stress and fear about their         should play, or indeed the concept of gender
      order of the day and the liberation of ‘free     sexuality. The queer space here functions in a       itself, one could achieve self transformation
      love’. However in Australia and much of the      very similar way today still.                        and overcome their own in-built oppression.
      world the period was quite a conservative        Radical student activism of the 1970s also           Gay Liberationists in Australia seized on a
      time where social restrictions and regulations   had a profound effect in helping change              document printed by their counterparts in
      were still in much force dictating how           society’s opinions and also fighting for              America relating the causes of sexual and
      people should lead their lives, with severe      the rights of queer students who were                gender oppression. The author, Allen Young,
      punishment for those whose ideas fell outside    discriminated against on campus (at that             defined sexism as ‘a belief or practice that
      of the ‘norm’. Many of us radicals would         point of time it was still legal to discriminate     the sex or sexual orientation of human beings
      argue that the same still happens today.         against someone on the basis of their sexual         gives to some the right to certain privileges,
      Take queer people for example. Conservative      orientation). The ‘mysterious’ drowning in           powers, or roles, while denying to others
      society in the 1960s was very oppressive         the River Torrens of a gay lecturer at Adelaide      their full potential… primarily manifested
      for queer people, who were “researched”          Uni saw the formation of a CAMP group there          through male supremacy and heterosexual
      pathologically by the medical profession         in 1972. Students who were suspected of              chauvinism.’
      and were dismissed as evil deviants by the       being gay suffered at the hands of university        However the gay men within Gay Lib.
      conservative Christian right.                    administrations; in 1973 a gay student was           couldn’t quite junk their own sexism as
      In the mid 1960s the Australian Law Journal      banned from Macquarie University’s Robert            easily as they believed, with many wom*n
      conducted a study into public attitudes          Menzies College. In 1974 another Macquarie           becoming frustrated and leaving the group
      on law reform issues surrounding abortion        student was declared ‘medically unfit to              after much male dominance of meetings
      and male homosexuality (but no inclusion         teach’ after she published a poem in her             and normalisation of male gay experience
      of female homosexuality not surprisingly).       local student newspaper about making                 at the expense of wom*n. Out of this a new
      The prospects of the results were not good       love to another woman. Her scholarship               group was formed; The Radicalesbians, who
      for gay men. Only 22% of the respondents         was cancelled and she was called in for a            printed their own manifesto and held their
      thought that male homosexual acts in             psychiatric assessment by the university             own conference in Sorrento in 1973, during
      private should no longer be considered an        department. Over 1000 students and staff             the time which Radical feminist thought was
      offence, with 64% disagreeing. . Further         attended a mass meeting and demanded that            gaining popularity.
      more, many participants reported saying that     she be reinstated. In 1976, the Queensland           Towards the 1990s a new movement was
      homosexuals should be ‘whipped severely,         education department refused to employ a             gaining force: the Queer movement. This
      while more ‘kind’ suggestions included long      student with above average grades because            aimed to unite all queers regardless of
      term prison sentences! The authors concluded     he had been a member of the gay and lesbian          their own personal sexuality in opposition
      that ‘Australians were more likely to think      group on campus. The education minister              to detrimental and compulsory hetero-
      that the homosexual was a mysterious             later told the parliament; “Student teachers         normativity (the belief in traditional sex-
      non-human aberration from outer space.           who participated in homosexual or lesbian            roles and heterosexuality being the only
      (See From camp to queer: remaking of the         groups should not assume that they would be          acceptable form of relations within society).
      Australian Homosexual by Robert Reynolds).       employed by the education department on              The aim was to liberate all people from
      The 1960s was a period of time where             graduation.” In Victoria today it is still illegal   their proscribed sex/gender roles (these
      consensual sex between two adult men could       to be a teacher and be openly gay within             are two different concepts - don’t confuse
      land you a 10 year jail term. Hardly ‘free       school.                                              them!) and to move towards a post-gender
      love’.                                           In 1972, a group of radical gay activists            society, where people stop relating to each
      In this conservative climate, the first openly    within CAMP split off and officially formed           other based on un-important things such as
      homosexual political organisation CAMP           Australia’s first Gay Liberation group in             physical sexual organs, and instead upon
      (Citizens Against Moral Persecution) was set     Sydney. The split occurred after CAMP                more important things (like that we’re
      up in Sydney to be lead by queers in actively    became more cautious and conservative in             all sentient beings, for example). This is
      de-stigmatizing homos and reframing them         an attempt to gain respectability from the           unpopular with the present system, as it
      in the notion of being open and proud, a new     public, and tried to distance it self from the       would mean the destruction of current sex
      concept in Australia at the time. One of the     confrontational policies that the younger            roles and identities, which capitalism thrives
      main functions of CAMP was to change the         university activists were advocating, as the         off. It would however, mean an end to
      public’s opinion about queers by asserting       gay liberationists were more interested in the       sexism, queerphobia, and other oppression.
      the fact that queers were essentially just       pursuit of questioning what society should           It would mean the end of wom*n and men,
      normal people who had done nothing wrong         be on a much grander scale instead of just           which might be confusing at first, but would
      and deserved to be able to lead open lives.      wanting furthered rights within the existing         lead for more time being devoted to more
      They asserted the fact that queers where         system. One woman within Gay liberation              important things in our existence. It is that
      everywhere in society. One of their platforms    argued; “…a revolution in attitudes towards          fight that we continue for today, as well
      to changing societal opinion was coming out.     sex and sexual preference is needed”.                as the more important returning struggle
      Their other main aim was to empower queers       A key platform of Gay Liberation’s new set           to assert that we have a right to exist at
      to realise that there was nothing wrong          of beliefs included transcendence; that is           all, with disappointingly many people still
      with their sexuality; it was not unnatural or    the belief that societal restrictions such as        dehumanizing us and treating us like shit. But
      depraved. The massive closeted majority of       gender and sex could be overcome as they             that’s just life when you’re queer.
      queers who found their way into CAMP found       are not natural but rather a construct of
22/
Campus Life




The Downfall Of Monyx
Monash University’s commercial services              be vastly improved. Had those millions of           students lose paid employment at any of the
company, ‘Monyx’ was established in 2001.            dollars been spent on creating better buildings     company’s outlets this will come to have serious
The company controlled many of the food              with working escalators and proper ventilation      implications on their financial situations. It
and beverage outlets, sports and recreation          without leaking plumbing, the same can be said.     would also be in the University’s best interests
facilities, retail outlets and other support                                                             to maintain the continuity of current staff
services on campus. Monash University has just       The reality of the situation is that Monash is      in what is otherwise a time of complete
recommended that the company be wound up             a public institution that receives government       uncertainty.
and it is set to close on March 31st. According to   funding, and as such has an obligation to spend
David Taft, (MSA President, 2006) “The advent        it wisely, keeping in mind that students are        It would appear likely that students employed
of VSU saw significant scrutiny of Monyx’s            their first priority. In the past, and apparently    at ‘Juice Baby’ will be without employment
operations by the University”. This prompted a       the present, this is a concept the university       in the very near future as the business looks
report by consultants PhillipsKPA to analyse the     has struggled to come to terms with. In the         unlikely to continue after routinely running
budget and management of Monyx. This report          commercial world, directors and executives          at a substantial loss. ‘Juice Baby’ alone has
found that the unreliability of the company          are held to account for failings of corporate       employed around fifteen Monash Clayton
to remain solvent, combined with a history of        governance, when it leads to the detriment          students in the past twelve months and
indiscretions in relation to financial matters,       of the public and shareholders. Following this      currently serves as part-time employment
meant the University should have diminished          lead, it is about time our University, took their   for at least six. Juice Baby is only one of a
confidence in financial information that they          own governance responsibility seriously and         number of Monyx run businesses. After the
received from Monyx.                                 avoided major Administrative stuff ups. Had         entire mismanagement debacle one can
                                                     the appropriate checks and balances been            only hope that once the university takes
Monyx is currently several million dollars in        implemented by Monash years ago, students           control of the services, they act responsibly
debt, an amount for which the university will        would be several million dollars better off.        and compassionately in regard to student
be covering the cost. This is the kind of debt                                                           employment and welfare. It seems like the time
that cannot occur overnight, or even over            Currently the university is in negotiations with    has come for the University to do something
months for that matter and is a testament to         student unions across the campuses as to how        about Monyx, however students must be
the University’s poor governance perhaps over        the companies services will be taken over,          concerned about the possibility of future
many years. To understand the seriousness of         but the bulk will fall under the University’s       failings if the University does not govern more
this issue we must look directly at what several     management. It has also been alleged that           effectively than it has in this instance. Thus,
million dollars could do for students across         the University intends to sack staff at the         students require reassurance that our unions
the Monash campuses. Had that money been             various outlets and rehire in the takeover,         and services will not bear the burden for such
dispersed amongst student unions or, dare I          in which case students employed on campus           Administration losses. We demand a better
say, put into creating sufficient and affordable      by Monyx could potentially face losing their        performance from our University in the future.
parking spaces on campus, student life could         part-time employment. Needless to say, if




             The What’s On Calendar
        If you would like to publish your next uni event in Lot’s Wife please email the details to jason.leigh@adm.monash.edu.au
 17th Of MARCH                                       30TH OF MARCH                                       WEEKLY STUFF
 Stop War Coalition’s Protest To Take Troops Out     The Monash Uni Soccer Club have now began           The Society for Video Game Appreciation (SVGA)
 Of Iraq and Afghanistan.                            their pre-season. New members are welcome           holds weekly meetings
 12pm @ The State Library (Corner of Swanston        to come down and try out with the club. Pre-        through out the semester on Wednesday nights.
 St & LaTrobe St)                                    season training times and venues are outlined       Members bring in equipment
                                                     on the club’s website. The club’s first social       (laptops/consoles/games/etc) which are played
 18th OF MARCH                                       event for 2007 will be the “Season Launch”          for the night.
 The Baseball Club’s ‘Rookie Day’                    dinner to be held on Friday 30th of March.          Building 33, Room G02
 Have you ever wanted to try out baseball but        Tickets are for this event are available from the   6pm - 9pm
 never had the chance? Come down to the main         club. The season will start on the 14th of April.
 diamond (behind Oval 1) on Sun March 18th @         The club would like to see the massive crowds       The Baha’i society will be running weekly prayer
 10am sharp and have a go! Have a throw, swing       for their home games continue in 2007, with         and worship sessions in the
 a bat and enjoy a free BBQ afterwards. For          everyone enjoying the carnival atmosphere           religious centre on Mondays at 12-1pm.
 more info, call Benny (club secretary) on 0403      and supporting the mighty Sky Blues. Further        All religions are welcome!
 800 868 or email secretary@monashbaseball.          information regarding joining the club,
 com                                                 attending any of their functions or games is        International Navigators are holding weekly
                                                     available on our website :                          meetings on Fridays at the Monash Religious
 29TH OF MARCH                                       www.monashunisoccer.org                             Centre Small Chapel from 7-10pm starting from
 The Society of Arts Students Ball!!!                                                                    March 9 2007
 Circus theme, crazy times. Get your tickets         5TH OF APRIL
 soon as the ball will sell out.                     MSA Activities BBQ, 12:30pm Menzies Lawn.
                                                     Could be a bbq, could be a petting zoo, who         English Conversational Group on Thursdays 12-
 Monash Engineering Students Society Ball!!          knows? Just mark it in the diary and catch the      2pm at the Conference Room
 Massive, huge, will also sell out fast.             bus that day, because booze is the only certain     in the Campus Centre for people to learn &
                                                     thing.                                              practise their conversational
Pete Steedman                                      “The thing about my so called radical
                                                   editorship,” Steedman tells me as we sit in
                                                                                                      showed just how dangerous he was. According
                                                                                                      to Steedman “Only two universities in Australia
                                                   his home office flicking through photos, “…is        had the majority of student in Australia against

               The ‘hoon’                          that the papers I did covered everything. They
                                                   weren’t aimed at, well I was nearly going to say
                                                                                                      the war in Vietnam, and that was ANU with 55%
                                                                                                      against the war, and Monash with nearly 80%.
            that liberated                         that they weren’t aimed at destroying people,
                                                   that’s a lie. But everybody got a say, including
                                                                                                      That was put down to the influence of Lot’s
                                                                                                      Wife, so I suppose people were reading it.”
            Lot’s Wife and                         the Jock strappers and the religious freaks and

                was nearly                         everybody else.”                                   Steedman fires 100 words a minute as he keeps
                                                                                                      flipping through photographs, his deep raspy

                  done for                         Pete Steedman was a whirlwind revolution
                                                   contained within one man, he pissed off more
                                                                                                      voice occasionally betraying his excitement at
                                                                                                      feeling relevant again. I’m shown pictures of
                blasphemy                          people in his time at Monash than most do in a
                                                   lifetime. Under his leadership between 1965-
                                                                                                      him riding motorbikes and looking the spitting
                                                                                                      image of James Dean, pictures of him beside

                by jason leigh                     66 Lot’s Wife was rescued from mediocrity and
                                                   became the number one student newspaper in
                                                   the country (before editing Melbourne’s Farrago
                                                                                                      Paul Keating and Bob Hawke, and the flicking is
                                                                                                      eventually drawn to a halt as we stumble across
                                                                                                      a few black and white pictures of gorgeous nude
                                                   and making that number one). He wasn’t afraid      girls. His gaze rests on one for a second before
                                                   of the powers that be and was one of the best      becoming embarrassed and closing the book.
                                                   practitioners of offset tabloid newspapers in      “She looked upset, I think she’d left me. I was
                                                   the country. Steedman was the first student to      cheating on her.”
                                                   ever be disciplined at Monash, charged with
                                                   ‘using language unbecoming of a student to an      I ask him about his reputation as an outrageous
                                                   executive officer’. In 1961 telling the Head of     ladies man. The first I heard of him was from a
                                                   Security to ‘go and get fucked’ was a pretty       friend’s Dad, who would gaze across campus as
                                                   big thing. He was again nearly booted from         Steedman sat on his motorbike in the middle
                                                   the University for blasphemy, for publishing a     of the University (everyone else parked in the
                                                   photograph of a man (face covered) pretending      car park) surrounded by girls. “Admittedly I was
                                                   to nail someone to a crucifix. The star of the      motivated by sex for a majority of the time,
                                                   shot was the late prominent journalist Richard     but what male in his twenties isn’t?” Steedman
                                                   Carleton, who was then editor of the University    quips. He claims that at parties girls would all
                                                   of NSW student newspaper. “I put it in because     be warned to stay away from him, due to his
                                                   he was too gutless to use it, then all of a        bad boy image, but they never did.
                                                   sudden there was a debate about whether I was
                                                   blasphemous or not??” According to Steedman, a     The former Federal Labor MP has often claimed
                                                   meeting was held on campus to decide his fate      “…the only things that aren’t boring in life are
                                                   at the University, the first two rows occupied      sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll”, so I ask him why
                                                   by nuns. “I was two votes away from being          he bothered with Lot’s Wife. “I loved Lot’s Wife
                                                   kicked out, the vote went 222-220 in my favour     because it gave me a voice,” says Steedman.
                                                   I think”.                                          Why use your voice for political issues and social
                                                                                                      justice, I ask, after having spent the last hour
                                                   At one point Steedman was vice president of        being lectured on the fact that all Steedman
                                                   the then extremely conservative SRC (this was      cared about was booze and sex. “Well what else
                                                   quite controversial at the time), was strongly     is there to use it for??” He sounds exasperated
                                                   connected with Oz magazine (through ‘mutual        that I would even ask, “You’ve got to change
                                                   sexual relations’ he explains, the same reason     the world don’t you!?”. I press on, you could
                                                   he is allegedly connected with Harold Holt)        have just stuck to boozing and chasing girls… “I
                                                   and according to a Lot’s Wife at the time ‘has     don’t know. Something went wrong and I started
                                                   the distinction of failing more courses than any   caring about things.”
                                                   other member of the University’. He admits he
                                                   spent more time at the Notting hill Hotel than     I ask Steedman for a picture of Monash in the
                                                   at classes, and would blackmail his tutors into    1960’s, “Mud…” is all I get. He stayed here for
(Above) This is the photo that nearly got Steed-   keeping their mouths shut, as he knew exactly      8 years, why did he love it so much? “I was a
man booted for blasphemy, starring Richard         which tutors were having affairs with students.    young bloke coming from a repressed situation,
Carleton                                           Steedman supplemented his modest Lots Wife         a repressed period of time, that suddenly found
                                                   income by being involved in a contraceptive        freedom and went mad.”…“I could get away
                                                   pill racket, dealing them at low prices to         with anything I wanted to do, and I did, I could
                                                   students, who would normally have to be over       turn up in a leather jacket and a motorbike and
 When asked about his time as a                    21 and married to get them. He first employed       it was just amazing.”
 Federal Labor MP, Steedman, in his                the services of Michael Leunig who was living
 usual colourful language, provided                next door to him, once stole a couch from a        What about Universities today, what did he
 me with the following insights on                 Melbourne University professor so he could         think of our generation? “Modern Universities
                                                   fornicate in the Farrago office and admits          are fucked.” he complains. He got into Monash
 current politics that I’d be a fool not
                                                   to once have had sex with two older women          with terrible grades (after being expelled form
 to publish.                                       in order to secure advertising for one of his      Wesley due to his blatant disregard of authority,
                                                   papers.                                            running his own gambling ring at the age of 13)
 “I think Howard is starting to look older and     After spending 8 years at University Steedman      and doesn’t agree with the current fixation on
 starting to falter. What people mustn’t forget    never finished his undergraduate degree, he         academic standards, and how little importance
 is that man lies in his fucking sleep!”           explained (somewhat jokingly), “If you’re going    is placed upon life experience. “You’ve all
  “Kim Carr is a fucking Neo Stalinist”            to be a fair dinkum radical, part of the game      been hyped up at school, you’ve never done
 “Steven Conroy is an evil little chunk of shit    was that you didn’t get your degree, otherwise     anything, all you do is study,” he moans, “Then
 and he should be put down.”                       you’re sucking up to the system.”                  you get sent out and become a boring little
 “You’d have to remove them (Carr and                                                                 asshole like the rest of society, with no fun
 Conroy) and a few of their accolades and          According to the Age, Steedman was one of the      at all, rather than what you should be doing
 we’d have a chance of bringing democracy          government’s most feared anti-Vietnam war          at University which is drinking, taking drugs,
 back to the Labor party.”                         protestors, to the point where he was singled      rooting and working out where you’re going to
 “The Greens are fucking liars.”                   out for observation and a serious candidate for    fit into society at a later date…Education is a
                                                   arrest. Research into activism surrounding the     secondary thing.”
                                                   Vietnam war on Australian Universities in 1967
24/
Campus Life




      10 Things That
          Get Our Goat
1/ The fact that all the employees                 become a minority and get spat at, or               food to stay alive, you dickhead!
at Wholefoods are so skinny. It’s like,            insulted just for the sake of their race,
employ some fat people you prejudiced              just so they know what being offended               8/ The fact that asking someone who
wankers.                                           is all about.                                       they voted for in an election is taboo.
                                                                                                       We don’t live in Mussolini’s Italy, people
2/ The Christians on campus who are                5/ People asking: “What natio are you”?             should be proud of who they voted for,
parading around under the banner of                What the hell does it matter to you?                and ready to explain (or defend) their
‘Student Life’. Worst of luck to the               And when did this question become so                decisions.
first years who got sucked in. Come                 important that ‘nationality’ had to be
up to the Lot’s Wife office and we will             abbreviated?                                        9/ The longer you stay on the telephone
make you blueberry pancakes, without                                                                   fighting a phone bill the more
condemning sexual promiscuity!                     6/ The fact that the coke machines in               discount they give you.
                                                   the campus centre say on them insert                It’s a waste of everyone’s friggin’ time.
3/ People who think Ipods are more                 ‘dimes, nickels or quarters here’. Um,              And why are they encouraging rudeness?
than a long playing $400 walkman.                  or dollars and cents maybe? Why have                Plus, if Telstra buggers up the phone
Alongside this goes the assumption that            these machines not been deported for                lines, why do we have to spend money
in all cases ‘digital’ is synonymous with          being unaustralian?                                 on a mobile call when phoning them to
the word ‘best’.                                                                                       fix it? It makes me sick!
                                                   7/ When people comment that you must
4/ Customers at Coles who tell me it               be hungry because of the amount of                  10/ Guys who say “Listen here girlie!”
offends them when I eat grapes in the              food on your plate.                                 Standard reply: Fuck off!
supermarket. Offends them, what do                 It’s like yeah that’s right, I am hungry,
they care? My goodness! They ought to              and thank god for that because I need


The Official Monash Guide To Beers!
Arranged for your drinking pleasure...
                                                                                                       SKID MARK OF
St. George, 5/10.                                                                                      THE CAMPUS
One of the latest offerings from Boags and Sons,   although way over the top. The tastes of light
St. George certainly adds to their repertoire,     citrus are brief and its ‘premium’ tag belies
though what it adds I am unsure. It is an          its lack of depth. (Premium seemingly being
attempt to move away from the more bitter          industry talk for adding a $1 to each beer.)
varieties and into a lighter-hopped beer which,
as the bottle suggests, has citrus flavorings.      This beer will not sway the VB crowd, who want
                                                   it bitter and cheap, and those who seek more
In many ways this beer reflects the                 than just the intoxicating frenzies will find it’s
extraordinary change in beer drinking habits       taste lacklustre.
over the last decade, with boutique beers on
the rise, and draught and bitter varieties on      Sold in four packs.
the decline. Boag’s St. George, however, is        Drink with: Morrocan cous-cous, light curries
no dragon slayer. It seeks to be everything to     and heavy salads.
everyone, and falls somewhere inbetween white      Drink: on a cool summers day/evening or at
beers such as Höegaarden and Mexican style         home alone in the dark.
                                                                                                       Above (Right):
cerveza’s like Corona.                                                                                 Samuel Kastelan
                                                                           - Mat Hilikari
St George lacks the summer refresher                                                                   (Secretary of the MSA)
qualities of Corona or the depth of Höegaarden,
a citrus-hopped comparison, perfect for
                                                                                                       “I like the patriarchy. It
autumn. The foam is neither thick nor luscious,                                                        serves my interests!”
with the bubbles being of a similar disposition,
Photos compliments of Andre Tan




If your face is circled, come up to
 the Lot’s Office to collect a free
               6-pack
Be the first person to circle the following items in the
  Where’s Johnny puzzle and come up to the Lot’s
       Office to pick up a Lot’s Wife gift pack!

   Wizard Whitebeard
   Wally
   John Howard (twice)
   Pauline Hanson
   Brian Burke (he’s everywhere! Find each one!)
   Peter Costello
   A number to prank call (9822 4422)
   A stoned bird
   A pregnant Tony Abbott
            CK REVE                          LLERS
THE WOODSTO                                      E TO
                                       EARD CAM
                             D WHITEB
                  THE WIZAR                            THINGS
         NNY AND                             D DRUGS,
THEN JOH                         SIC, SEX AN
                   E LA ND OF MU                    HNNY
         CK, TO TH                      RE. AND JO
WOODSTO                       SEEN BEFO
           JOHNNY  HAD EVER                          PLAY,
 NO LITTLE                                 HENDRIX
                                   W JIMMY                            HEN HE
               OF HIS LIFE - HE SA                          TT. AND W
      THE TIME                                    AND ABBO
 HAD                                    OSTELLO
                              BURKEY, C                           ON HIS
                    IS MATES                            ONTINUE
            P WITH H                          AVE AND C
  CAUGHT U                      AS TIME TO LE
                     , AND IT W                            O RIPPED.
            E SCROLL                    D THAT H
                                                  E WAS TO
  FOUND TH                    NNY FOUN
                       LE JOH
             POOR LITT
   JOURNEY,
                                                                                                                                LOT’S WIFE
30/                                                                                                                             STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Lifestyle                                                                                                                       ISSUE 02/2007




               Cooking With Schapelle
There are many benefits to getting stoned by eating, rather than smoking. It eliminates some health risks, and it
is more discrete to munch on a cake than rip a bong in the middle of a party. Theoretically, you are probably less
likely to get done for possession if your weed is packed neatly into a loaf, rather than spilling out of a mix bowl.
However, the key to ingesting weed safely is patience because once you’ve punched a whole pile of hash cookies
into your face, there is no going back so try to avoid messing yourself up. Unless of course, seeing green dragons
and laying in the fetal position on a bathroom floor for a few hours is your idea of a good time. Now hippies, it’s
time to save the world, but before we do, let’s take some time out to get ripped and play a bit of frisbee. After
all, university is about fun, experimentation and experience. So, here are some great recipes:


                                                   Recipe 2: Vodka that’s ripped                     Recipe 3: Stoner’s Spaghetti
                                                   (Here is a recipe that even a ‘dope’ could        Sauce
                                                   follow!)                                          (This recipe is rumoured to be a wonderful
                                                                                                     hangover cure, presumably due to the anti
                                                                                                     nausea properties in marijuana. It’s little
                                                   Ingredients                                       wonder this amazing drug is used for medicinal
                                                                                                     purposes!)
                                                   1 bottle of vodka (around 750ml)
                                                   1 to 2 grams on chopped Marijuana, stems and      Ingredients
                                                   all
                                                                                                     ½ a cup of chopped weed
                                                   Instructions                                      2 table spoons of olive oil
                                                                                                     1 can of tomato paste
                                                   1.      Consume a few shots of vodka (for fun     2 chopped tomatoes
                                                           and to avoid overflowing the bottle        ½ a chopped onion
                                                           later).                                   1 pinch of pepper
Recipe 1: The Bob Brownies                         2.      Funnel your chopped (or ground) weed
(These babies have been tarted up a little since                                                     1 can of water
                                                           into the vodka bottle.                    1 clove of minced garlic
Grandma’s originals!)
                                                   3.      Replace lid and store bottle in a cool    1 bay leaf
                                                           dark place (like a pantry), for a         1 pinch of thyme (optional)
Ingredients                                                minimum of 3 weeks.                       ½ a teaspoon of salt
                                                   4.      Strain the weed out of the vodka and
1 gram of ground weed                                      replace vodka into the bottle.            Instructions
200g butter (margarine won’t work)                 5.      Pour half a shot into a glass and add a
200g unsweetened chocolate                                 mixer.                                    1.      Heat oil in a large pot and add chopped
250g sugar                                         6.      Effects will be felt as soon as 5-10              onion.
4 eggs                                                     minutes.                                  2.      When onions are browned add the
200g flour                                                                                                    remainder of the ingredients, adding
a splash of vanilla essence                        Note: Don’t go to town on this mixture too                the water slowly and the salt last.
100g dark chocolate                                quickly. A friend of mine had too much and        3.      Cover the mixture and it to simmer for
                                                   became paranoid and confused. She said she                two hours. Then serve it over spaghetti.
Instructions                                       couldn’t tell if she had to pee or she was just           Buon Appetite!
                                                   cold. It can get messy….
1.      Melt butter in saucepan over a low heat                                                      I hope that these recipes are enjoyed by
2.      Once butter has begun bubbling, mix in                                                       students throughout the year, particularly first
        the ground up weed and stir it for at                                                        years who may be just beginning to dabble in
        least 10 minutes. Avoid letting the                                                          illicits. The only other advice I can offer you is
        mixture steam too much.                                                                      that when they say that smoking pot makes you
3.      Melt the chocolate into the butter,                                                          unmotivated- they’re wrong! You can still do
        stirring constantly.                                                                         everything you would straight, you just realise
4.      Once all the chocolate has melted add                                                        it’s not worth the fucking effort. And next time
        the vanilla essence.                                                                         someone tells you that smoking pot is wrong,
5.      Remove mixture from heat and stir in                                                         tell them that a great man (Willie Nelson) once
        sugar, little by little.                                                                     said that Marijuana is not a drug. It’s but a
6.      Beat the eggs and mix them in                                                                herb or a flower that God put here. And God
7.      Stir the flour into the mixture.                                                              put it here because he wants it to grow. So
8.      Use an electric mixer on low to get all                                                      what gives the government the right to fuck it
        the lumps out of the mixture.                                                                all up?
9.      Break the dark chocolate into individual
        pieces and stir in.
10.     Pour the mix into a shallow pan and
        bake in the oven on a medium heat for
        around 40 minutes. Test them with a
        toothpick when you think they are done
        and happy munching!!
29/
Lifestyle




                     hi ng
                  at
                Lo ’s
            a nd ald
          ng cDon
        ki M
      Pu in                                                                 - Lawson Fletcher

                                                                                                          since been and hopefully will always be my last
                                                                                                          McDonalds meal. Everything seemed as normal
                                                     seat – as there was no franchise close to Monash
                                                                                                          and innocuous as any other time, as we stood
                                                     Clayton I was fortunately forced to eat at The
                                                                                                          in line and then ordered a small cheeseburger
Sometimes the skinniest of people can                Den, and various other more respectable dining
                                                                                                          meal each. But upon sitting down amongst the
live so ‘fat’. I am one of these people.             institutions that litter the campus. Yet this was
                                                                                                          revellers, the tragic man shaking over a bottle
Since some point in the gaping hole of               only lunch for three days of the week. I’d still
                                                                                                          of wine and the glassy-eyed student staff, I
a holiday between finishing Year 12 and               find myself gulping down a Quarter Pounder
                                                                                                          ingested the most feral meal I’ve ever eaten.
beginning uni I developed an addiction               meal on the way to work, or forgoing cooking
                                                                                                          Don’t get me wrong – there wasn’t a hair or
to eating McDonalds. I’d always liked                some pasta for an easy trip to the drive-thru
                                                                                                          some other disgusting foreign object lodged
the stuff, but it was in that summer                 when at home alone. Then uni stopped and I
                                                                                                          in the burger, in fact the quality of the meal
of 2005/6, when the golden arches                    was off again, consuming the shit almost once
                                                                                                          would have likely passed as fine on a normal
had firmly solidified their standing in                every day for weeks straight.
                                                                                                          day at McDonalds. Yet everything about it
the quaint coastal town I called home                                                                     was off-putting: the chips - cold, over-salted,
(despite fiery stickers emblazoned over               Nothing made sense about it. I’d come up with
                                                                                                          so saturated in cooking oil that finding bits
many residents cars declaring “Keep                  justifications for why I ate it. The taste - yes
                                                                                                          of ‘potato’ was like striking gold; the burger
Torquay Mac Free”), that I started eating            that’s a big one but I’d honestly go a well-made
                                                                                                          – tepid, slapped together, with cheese unmelted
it like it was going out of fashion.                 sandwich over a greasy Big Mac any day. The
                                                                                                          yet somehow the patty massively over-cooked,
                                                     speed and affordability – in a way, it’s easy, but
                                                                                                          and a film of grease across the bun that almost
Having not much to do until uni started, I’d find     at some point I started adding a cheeseburger
                                                                                                          shone a reflection; the drink – of course, it was
myself rising at 12 or later and hopping in the      to my large McValue meal and along with their
                                                                                                          flat. I felt so unwell after eating this, and as I
car for a trip to the drive-thru for a breaky-       incessant and sneaky price increases of 15
                                                                                                          walked back to the car with Leanne I sat there
lunch from Maccas. I started to learn the names                                                           thinking to myself, “I don’t feel like eating this
of the drive-thru cashiers, and was thoroughly               ‘If I was in the mood for                    ever again”. I made a silent pact with myself to
embarrassed by this; however it certainly                                                                 not eat the stuff for as long as I could.
didn’t stop me. I knew I shouldn’t have been
                                                      intellectualising, I’d probably suggest
eating it that often (I’d seen Super Size Me), I      that this sort of thing is symptomatic
                                                                                                          It’s around a month since that night (probably
knew McDonalds were the symbol for all that             of our feeding-tube attachment to                 more by the time this goes to print) and at the
is despicable about capitalism (I’d read Fast        American culture that has been on the                time of writing I haven’t eaten a scrap of food
Food Nation), I knew there was better, healthier     rise since Britain lost its parent culture           from that grease warehouse. I have gloated
food in the fridge – but none of this stopped             role somewhere amidst WW2.’                     unnecessarily about giving it up only days into
me. That’s the thing about McDonalds, it’s the                                                            my hiatus – as if kicking McDonalds was either a)
modern culinary doublethink that I’m sure so                                                              about as hard as getting off the junk, or b) an
many of its customers go through. Something          cents every six months or so, my cheap lunch
                                                                                                          amazing act of human brilliance that somehow
like “I know this is shit for me, I know             was now clocking in at $8.50 a meal. As for
                                                                                                          made me a better person. It doesn’t, of course
McDonalds exploits every person that comes           speed, I would wilfully sit in the drive-thru
                                                                                                          – McDonalds will continue to fuck the world, and
under its midst, I know I’m eating something         line for upwards of ten minutes when on a
                                                                                                          everyone’s stomachs, whatever I choose to eat,
that barely classifies as food, but hey it’s tasty    lunch break at work (which only lasts half an
                                                                                                          and my reasons for giving up (I had a bad meal, I
and what the fuck I’ll eat it anyway!”               hour) – meaning I’d get maybe five minutes to
                                                                                                          don’t want to have a gut) weren’t that altruistic
                                                     guzzle it down in the car on my way back to the
                                                                                                          at all. But that fucker is gone. I’ve also been
If I was in the mood for intellectualising, I’d      grind. Despite all this, all of the ideological,
                                                                                                          substituting it somewhat, eating at Grill’d and
probably suggest that this sort of thing is          economical, political, temporal and above-all
                                                                                                          souvlaki places more than I used to, but lately
symptomatic of our feeding-tube attachment to        health problems of engaging with this monolith,
                                                                                                          I’ve been weaning myself off these venues
American culture that has been on the rise since     I continued on.
                                                                                                          as well, and can honestly say that dropping
Britain lost its parent culture role somewhere                                                            Maccas is the first step to a healthy lifestyle. I
amidst WW2. Eating and therefore supporting          Until one fateful night when coming back late
                                                                                                          feel free, happy, energetic, and I’m starting to
McDonalds means you are: selfish, lazy, duped,        from the Espy with my girlfriend (Leanne), we
                                                                                                          see muscles, rather than blobs, appear on my
‘doing anything as long as it feels (tastes) good’   both decided we were peckish, and so stopped
                                                                                                          stomach again.
– in short, you are an American. But I’m not in      by the 24-hour McDonalds on Swanston Street,
the mood for intellectualising.                      the one just down from Flinders St Station. And
                                                                                                          So this is a call to all those out there under
                                                     it was here, in this shiny, McDonalds version
                                                                                                          the sway of the golden arches. Give it up – it’s
As uni began, my habits took a bit of a back         of modern decor, that I consumed what has
                                                                                                          not that hard, you already know you should
                                                                                                          – liberate your intestines.
                                                                                                                                   LOT’S WIFE
28/                                                                                                                                STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Lifestyle                                                                                                                          ISSUE 02/2007




                                                                                                                                 - Naomi Snell

Animal Rescue Raid                                                           Exposes
Unhappy Hens
                                               Photographs
                                               from the
                                               raid taken on
                                               February 21st,
                                               2007




The name ‘Happy Hens Egg World’ conjures up         will continue and has urged anyone against ani-     This is where the plot thickens, as the stance
images of carefree hens roaming free in green       mal cruelty to get involved in the fight.            of the RSPCA on battery farms is somewhat
pastures, living a blissful life with not a worry                                                       ambiguous. The RSPCA have a long standing
in the world. Unfortunately nothing could be        The Monash Clayton campus produced its own          connection with PACEFARMS, who are the larg-
further from the truth.                             rescuer in first year Arts student, Callum Bryant.   est producer of battery eggs in Australia. The
                                                    Bryant took on the rescue mission, choosing not     RSPCA endorse PACEFARMS barn laid eggs and
On February 21st Animal Liberation Victoria’s       to conceal his identity, and whilst this leaves     PACEFARMS have donated a significant amount
(ALV) rescue team conducted its twenty-third        him and fellow rescuers open to prosecution,        of money to the RSPCA. Frank Pace (who runs
raid on the euphemistically named farm which,       the group are willing to face the consequences      PACEFARMS) is also a close personal friend of
in a tragic irony, happens to be the largest bat-   for their cause. Bryant stated, “I’d love to do     Hugh Wirth who has been the President of the
tery hen factory in Victoria.                       jail time. Jail’s got some real prospects”. He      RSPCA for over 30 years, as well as a close per-
                                                    also noted that whilst conducting the raid, he      sonal friend and business associate of Guido and
In order to gain entry to the farm, the rescue      kept wondering, “which ones are the happy           Vince Colla, the two brothers who own Happy
team had to squeeze through an electrified           hens?”                                              Hens Egg World. And, back in 1994, when res-
fence, while evading guard dogs and security                                                            cues began at Happy Hens, Hugh Wirth advised
lights on their way to the sheds. The conditions    Bryant began volunteering with ALV eight            the Colla brothers to “up their security,” which
confronting them upon entry were shocking and       months ago because he believed that the rights      they did. At present the RSPCA has declined to
astoundingly barbaric, yet regrettably far from     of animals needed protecting and he states that     comment this claim.
surprising. The hens were kept in cruel and         the rescues are about “going into places where
filthy cages, so small and overcrowded that the      animals are suffering, exposing and recording       ALV is currently planning to increase pressure
birds were barely able to stand up. Additionally,   conditions, and getting the animals out.”           on battery egg producers and since the raid at
many of the birds had been cannibalised.                                                                Happy Hens has vowed to increase future res-
                                                    Whilst ALV has taken on this issue and presented    cue efforts. The rule of law will not deter the
Serial activist and founder of ALV, Patty Mark,     the RSPCA with evidence of the mistreatment         animal rights activists like Byrant, who said, “I
described the scene. “[T]he birds are scream-       of hens, the RSPCA is not tackling the issue. In    won’t feel any remorse if prosecuted, however
ing, dead bodies are rotting in cages, bins of      a letter to Patty Mark, Greg Boland (the Inspec-    I would feel remorse, if I was to stand back and
dead bodies are left in the sheds and sick and      torate Services Manager of the RSPCA) stated,       do nothing as the dignity of an entire species is
exhausted animals are left to fend for them-        “You would be aware that we currently have 14       stamped out”.
selves in tiny cages with nowhere to move”. Ms      Inspectors to investigate cruelty issues across
Mark said that the sheds themselves were filthy      the State. The drought has impacted severely        The birds taken from the rescue mission at
and had an overpowering smell.                      on the whole State, with increased complaints       Happy Hens Egg World are now being cared for
                                                    coming through to the RSPCA. This has resulted      as pets in and around Melbourne.
All up, the rescue team recovered 18 malnour-       in a much heavier and increased work load for
ished and balding birds, that being as many as      inspectors. The Department of Primary Industry
they could care for. And while with each raid       is the most appropriate to investigate these
the rescue team face possible trespass charges,     matters. As such, I have forwarded your email
Ms Mark has vowed that such rescue missions         through to them to investigate further.”
31/
Lifestyle




                   ‘COCKBURGER’,
  AND OTHER SUCH THINGS TO EXPERIENCE!




Most larger-breasted women (and perhaps some        in front of you while you enjoy your moments of       eval accent and describe your proposed sexual
men) know the incredibly liberating experience      exposure to the world. Don’t forget to shout out      activities in innuendo. For example, “Thou art
of removing a tight bra after a long, hard day.     something loud and obscene to attract more at-        bent over in defeat, yielding the duel, and I
The sensation that your assets have been freed      tention to yourself, such as ‘Cock Burger’. After     thrust ye in the back with my lance, which pen-
into the world almost makes it feel like they’re    all, it’s no fun if people aren’t looking.            etrates through thy..”, and so on and so forth.
expanding like balloons. In the same way, every                                                           The person on the other end of the line will be
guy must remember when he was 14, the tingly        Another way to liberate yourself is to visit an       sure to love it, I promise you.
feeling received when his parents were out and      adult superstore, such as Sexyland. Oh the
he put his dad’s porn tape into the video player    wonderful contraptions that can be found!             It is important to experience these moments
to have a look. The excitement was overwhelm-       Especially if shopping for a friend or significant     of liberation in life, as it gives you something
ing! The oohs and aahs always sounded too loud,     other. One particular item that caught my eye         to talk about when you’re older. The first time
so it was turned down to the lowest it could        was ‘The Great American Challenge’. It’s a dildo      you discover that you have pubic hairs, doing
go, but alas the volume difference between          the size of an average thigh, hooked up with          a nudie run or impersonating a medieval Sean
the muted TV and the lowest volume seemed           flashing lights, seven different modes of vibra-       Connery over a sex line are all steps in your life
enormous. Or perhaps it was that first time you      tion and a consumer health warning (batteries         essential to growing into a responsible, ma-
had cyber sex, with that hot brunette from the      not included). Being the testosterone charged         ture adult. The sex line may cost you a small
United States, its slow going, only typing with     competitive young men my friends are, we dis-         fortune, and the great American challenge is
one hand. It was a pity six years later, when you   cussed which of us could handle the challenge,        a whopping seventy bucks, but there are some
discovered you had lost your cyber virginity to a   but have yet to try. If you plan to break up with     things in life that money can’t buy, and they
man.                                                your girlfriend, give her this gift as a going away   are these liberating moments. Oh, and if you’re
                                                    present. It is sure to make a statement, whilst       having trouble finding that raunchy hotline to
For all those people looking for equally liberat-   lifting your levels of liberation (and perhaps        call up, tune in to The Power Rangers, on chan-
ing moments, look no further, for Lots Wife can     hers as well!).                                       nel 7 at 1:30am for inspiration.
help you experience these wonderful moments
in life once more.                                  Another option is to phone a sex hotline, just
                                                    to see what all the fuss is about. When you’re                                    - Robin Huang
The first thing you must experience - if you have    asked what you’re wearing, be sure to put on
not yet done so - is a nudie run. Whether it’s      your sexiest, most seductive voice and describe
through your house, through a party, at camp or     in detail that you’re covered head to toe in
on campus, you are sure to feel liberated while     stainless steel armour. Now don’t be stingy,
doing it. Even if it does get you arrested. There   detailed descriptions really turn up the heat
is no greater feeling than having all your dangly   during phone sex. Don’t hesitate to name every
bits wobble around in the wind as you make          piece of armour you’re wearing. Gorget, paul-
your way through crowds of laughing (or dis-        drons, cuisses, vambraces, breastplate, tassets
turbed) people. If you do plan on doing a nudie     and so on. Make sure you describe their lustre
run, make sure to do it with style. Wear appro-     properties and whether they have leather ar-
priate footwear, because little twigs, stones and   ticulation or hand articulation. If this hasn’t yet
other sharp objects may be on the ground, and       compelled the girl ‘on call’ to have a frenzied
you do not want to be watching out for what’s       orgasm, put on your most ridiculous, medi-
                                                                                                                                  LOT’S WIFE
32/                                                                                                                               STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Lifestyle                                                                                                                         ISSUE 02/2007




      5 People From Whom Society
         Needs to be Liberated
 In society there are occasionally people that you look at and think that if
you had a bullet and guaranteed amnesty, taking them out would definitely
   be a good option. Josh Brough examines 5 of his favourite contenders.

5. Brad Pitt and his blanching bride, Angelina      rippling: “Order, order! Kevin Federline, you       If that isn’t a big enough hint, the fact that
Jolie.                                                                                                  Cruise is a vehement Scientologist is. Anyone
Following the modern trend to merge two words       are charged with a most grievous transgression;     who believes in a pseudo-religion developed by
into a spurious amalgamation to save brain          daring to thrust your genetic offspring upon the
power and time – both of which are lacking in       world!” The crowd gasps. At least Brangelina        an eccentric science fiction writer has got to
the mass media – we have the personification of      adopts, K-Fed multiplies. Like a cancerous lung     have a few screws loose. Any semi-sane person
our body image issues: Brangelina.                  tumour.                                             with a shred of rationality cannot possibly
They are one being, joined at the hip, I don’t      Perpetuating his genetic material in                believe that an intergalactic warlord named
doubt literally as well as figuratively. I’m sure    combination with Britney Spears’ is the single      Xenu brought trillions of people to earth in a
even their sex is perfect.                          most potentially dangerous mixture since Hitler     spacecraft and placed them strategically around
They are so flawlessly attractive, so ideal and      met Stalin. Imagine a being with the ability to     volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen
faultless, so sublime in every way. If they were    annoy of both multiplied, the wealth to release     bombs. (Narrative is adapted from Hercules:
one iota more perfect, they would be ridiculed      over produced studio albums every two years         the Legendary Journeys and may not be
as freaks, burnt at the stake for being too         and an inferiority complex that can’t be beaten.    representative of the story of Scientology).
damn hot. Instead, we just um and ah at their       It’s a nightmare that wakes me almost every
existence enviously, wondering, will I have abs     night.                                              1. George Dubya Bush.
like that at forty? Or why can’t my curvaceous                                                          Young Shrub and his collection of warmongering,
body cause a thirty car pile up?                    3. Crazy Frog.                                      kitten drowning cronies, count as one individual
                                                    The first time you hear the Crazy Frog ring tone     because they possess the collective IQ of a
Brangelina spent Christmas Day 2006 handing         you chuckle or maybe even laugh if you’re high      single, albeit mildly retarded, human being.
out presents to Colombian war refugees in           or watching late night TV. But the six hundred      Corroborating evidence: Shrub possesses
Costa Rica. I spent Christmas mildly inebriated,    and eighty-fourth time your brain is bombarded      the most panache, the most raw, unbridled
arguing over who received the best presents and     by a grey frog cackling manically like a two        presidential material out of the lot. A man
drank the most egg nog. Which camp do you fall      speed moped, you wonder what the world has          who has the public speaking ability of a turnip.
into? Brangelina are the Twenty First Century’s     come to. Yet you continue to be greeted by the      A man who enjoys the verbal and linguistic
equivalent of Mother Teresa and Ghandi. The         horrific racket you thought was a product of         faculties of a damp dish rag. A man who has as
only difference being, they are infinitely sexier;   your delusional mind.                               much political savvy as Mark Latham.
because really, who would listen to an ugly                                                             Evidence to the contrary: nil.
person in this day and age? Their good deeds are    The Frog becomes a repetitive techno remix          You know you’re not doing well collectively,
the mother of all guilt trips; somewhat akin to     and, subsequently, a number one hit in the UK,      as a planet, when the single most powerful
picture perfect Princess Peach from Nintendo’s      Australia, New Zealand and most of Europe.          individual would, anywhere other than his
Mario. Tubby Mario works so hard to get her the     It becomes a line of toys, two commercially         current office, be legally classed as a vegetable.
cake but does she even put out? I don’t think so.   successful albums, a video game and a TV series     Not even an intelligent vegetable; a squash or
We work so hard to appear more like them, to        and you wonder, tearing your hair out in tufts      maybe a radish if he were lucky.
do good deeds like them, but we inevitably fall     of balding frustration… “How many variations
short. You don’t look like Brangelina or Princess   does this frog have!? What is it, Pavarotti on
Peach if you eat cake. Maybe that’s where we        ecstasy laced helium?” I say we do what the
go wrong.                                           Queenslander’s do; run the fucker over. The
                                                    Frog won’t laugh when you’re scraping it off
4. K-Fed.                                           your tyre with a spade.
Aka Kevin Federline, the no-talent, white
trash, discount Eminem. Back up dancer, model       2.Tom Cruise.
(hah!), chronic malingerer, rapper, professional    Risky Business, Top Gun, and “You can’t handle
moocher, actor and most significantly, Britney       the truth!”, you know and love him as the
Spears’ parasitical husband until dumped via a      Mission Impossible guy and the man who ruined
text message; yes, K-Fed, not even your wife        Oprah’s expensive couch. But there are things
respects you.                                       about Tom Cruise that his publicist didn’t tell
K-Fed is living proof of the need for enforced      you. First of all, our good ol’ Aussie come
sterilisation. If he were being tried for crimes    good, Nicole Kidman left him for Keith Urban
against humanity in The Hague (and let’s face       - an alcoholic country and western singer. That
it, it’s looking increasingly likely with a new     would be a step down the proverbial ladder, if it
album looming) one of the crimes listed would       wasn’t Tom Cruise we were talking about.
be reproduction. The judge warbles, jowls
33/
Lifestyle



      Milk sucks, but you don’t have to.
If you wouldn’t drink the milk from a cat,          Resources Audit, reveal that dairy is the highest     facts public knowledge. Alongside Freda, a
a dog or a monkey, what makes cow’s milk            user of irrigation water in Australia. It takes a     life-size realistic looking synthetic cow, she has
any different? Lots Wife investigates Animal        massive 4, 000 glasses of water to produce a          launched the MILK SUCKS anti-dairy campaign.
Liberation Victoria’s campaign against dairy.       single glass of milk. Deforestation to create land    To demonstrate just how unnatural the ALV
                                                    for grazing has reduced our natural habitat and       believe it is for humans to drink cow’s milk, the
Milk and other dairy products are substances        contributes to global warming.                        campaign involves the shock value of different
that many of us consume daily without a                                                                   members positioning themselves underneath
second thought from where they come from.           Vegan enthusiasts argue that the claim that           the cow and suckling at her teats throughout
According to Animal Liberation Victoria (ALV)       dairy is good for you is false. A pioneering health   regular intervals. The ALV plans to target every
spokespeople, the Australian public is unaware      study conducted by Harvard University followed        major Dairy Industry event until their voices are
of the sinister truth that lurks beneath the milk   the calcium intake of 78, 000 women for 12            heard.
pale.                                               years. It revealed that those who fulfilled their
                                                    calcium intake via dairy broke more bones than
Cows are placid creatures renowned for their        those who rarely drank milk at all. Proponents
maternal bonds. Despite this, calves are            of the vegan lifestyle say the best source of
repeatedly torn from their mothers, who then        calcium is from green leafy vegetables.
grieve for days. Mothers are constantly milked
at a rate ten times higher than what they           ALV President, Patty Mark, urges consumers to
would naturally produce in the wild; while their    look at the bigger picture. “It’s time for us to
newborn babies are slaughtered for veal.            look dairy straight in the eye for what it is- food
                                                    for calves”. Though-out history, no other animal
In addition to chronic mastitis, dairy cows are     has ever consumed the milk of another species
also subjected to having their horns and tails      aside from humans. This is what leads the ALV
cut off without anaesthetic. This has been          to their conclusion that it is simply not natural.
known to cause bleeding for up to 12 hours.         This claim is backed up the American Academy
According to the ALV, the average cow lives five     of Paediatrics who recommend that infants
years, despite a natural lifespan of 25.            under one year old avoid cow’s milk.

Figures released by the National Land and Water     Mark is passionate about making these startling




                  Fashion Liberation
                                                    Fashion has long been more than merely the            thing as external as fashion cannot be accom-
                                                    clothes on your back, more than a random              plished in one’s bedroom. One must proudly
                                                    composition of incidentally-existent gar-             display the garment, in a public statement of
                                                    ments. Fashion has been consistently used,            ownership and self-definition. So I wore it to
                                                    both individually and collectively, as a means        school.
                                                    of self-expression. Be it to express a political
                                                    affiliation, to look the same as your friends, to      However, your fashion liberation need not be
                                                    look different from your enemies (or as some          so publicly humiliating. It may have already
                                                    call them, “the mainstream”), to convey class,        happened that day you wore a ribbon as a belt,
                                                    taste, social status, sexual desirability, or just    or giant wooden parrot earrings, or something
                                                    the fact that you like purple lycra, your clothes     as small as going without makeup and a blow
                                                    say something about you.                              dry for a day. But if you haven’t experienced
                                                                                                          the thrilling, tingling, exhilarating rush of your
                                                    For the early part of our lives, most of us are       own fashion liberation, I urge you: live beyond
                                                    forcibly clad in a variety of generally identi-       directly copying the fashion spreads in Cosmo,
                                                    cal terry-toweling onesies, followed by school        live beyond Sportsgirl; live beyond what your
                                                    uniforms and parental-approved outfits. And to         best friend wore last week. Whether you are
                                                    an extent, we follow their lead. We wear the          currently supporting or rejecting the notion of
                                                    colours our Dad compliments us on, or the dress       “fashion”, I beg of you – look deep inside and
                                                    shape out Mum says suits us best. But if you’re       step out of what you would normally wear. If
                                                    lucky, there will come a moment – a break-            your look is goth/emo but something about fluro
                                                    through – in which your inner style is liberated.     green excites you, go for it! If you’re a label
                                                                                                          queen but you hear a market stall necklace
                                                    My moment came when, after inheriting two             calling your name, listen! Break free of your
                                                    closets full of my grandmother’s linen, I sat         fashion rut – burn your bra, wear a corset, dress
                                                    down at my sewing machine and made a skirt.           like a punk – but be yourself.
                                                    While never a high performer in home-ec, I
                                                    somehow managed to create an ankle-length             Your clothes say something about you. Let them
             - Michelle Esnouf                      A-line skirt from some purple and blue original       speak the truth.
                                                    1970s towels. However, this was not my mo-
                                                    ment of couture freedom. Liberation of some
                                                                                                                                                     LOT’S WIFE
34/                                                                                                                                                  STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Arts &Theatre                                                                                                                                        ISSUE 02/2007




                                          avi lipski
                    the spook
      theatre review


                                                       Director Tom Healey’, in his notes in The Spook’s   cast give mostly solid performances, particularly
                                                       program, describes the play’s protagonist,          the delightful Alison Bell. Bell shines as Martin’s
                                                       Martin Porter, as ‘our fantasy Australian: young,   wife Annette, and steals the scene as the
                                                       innocent, with the best of intentions and a         nervous Party member Jean and in her cameo
                                                       heart of gold.’ Indeed, playwright Melissa          appearance as a fierce, butch policewoman.
                                                       Reeves has created a truly likeable leading         Tony Nikolakopoulos is hilarious as George
                                                       character, a man who is approached by ASIO in       Tosakis, a Greek immigrant with a shady
                                                       the mid-1960s and naïvely agrees to spy on the      background. Maria Theodorakis takes a while to
                                                       Bendigo division of the Australian Communist        warm into her role as George’s wife Ellie, she
                                                       Party. In fact, Reeves has shaped a play that       ultimately gives a powerful performance in the
                                                       is immensely likeable, full of bursts of clever     play’s second act. Luke Ryan brings charm and
                                                       humour and enough twists and turns to maintain      affability to his performance as Martin Porter,
                                                       that integral ingredient of all good spy stories:   and for the most part, the actors’ character
                                                       suspense. Martin’s foray into the realm of          transformations are smooth.
                                                       communist party politics is simultaneously
                                                       fascinating and terrifying. As he finds himself      Reeves’ script serves the actors well, and
                                                       being drawn further and further into the party’s    though it could probably do with a bit of
                                                       inner turmoil, his reports to ASIO of his findings   tightening, the writing manages to capture the
      Merlyn Theatre, Malthouse Theatre
           The Spook By Melissa Reeves.


            February 16 – March 10 2007
                 Directed by Tom Healey




                                                       become increasingly frenzied, and Martin’s          essence of country life in conservative 1960’s
                                                       desperation and anxiety grow. It doesn’t help       Australia. Though the plot is fictional – and
                                                       that his well-intentioned young wife, Annette       sometimes quite improbable – the story is based
                                                       (Alison Bell), is concerned and frustrated by       loosely on true events, and this fact gives the
                                                       his absence, and his conservative mother Trixie     script added buoyancy. At times elements of
                                                       (Margaret Mills) has suffered a stroke. As the      the story bare striking resemblance to current
                                                       play progresses, we become more and more            governmental approaches to surveillance: The
                                                       embroiled in the complex web of affairs that        Spook explores a time where the promotion
                                                       surround the Party and watch, enraptured, as        of fear and mistrust were the predominant
                                                       its members duck and weave their way through        tactics used by the government of the day. It is
                                                       the various crises in which they find themselves.    easy to see why the play is relevant now, forty
                                                                                                           years later, and even though the ‘threat’ of
                                                       The Spook is, for the most part, a thoroughly       Communism is no longer present, this play gives
                                                       enjoyable production, masterfully directed by       the opportunity to pause and reflect on our
                                                       Tom Healey with a colourful, fabulously mod         country’s political history.
                                                       set and costume design by Anna Borghesi. The




coming up at the comedy festival...
Andy Zaltzman Detonates 60                                            The Observer calls him ‘a genius in the making’    decides to seek asylum in another country.
                                                                      and Time Out London declares him ‘The best         The show addresses current debates about
Minutes of Unbridled Evening                                          political comedian in the business.’               national identity at a time when Australian
5 – 29 April
                                                                                                                         flags are selling in record numbers and David
Melbourne Town Hall                                                   Lot’s Wife has four double passes to see Andy      Hicks battles Paris Hilton for newspaper space.
                                                                      Zaltzman on Saturday April 7th at 8.30pm. The      Featuring an official apology from the guy who
Leaving no political hot potato untouched, Andy                       first four people to email Avi at aclip@student.    wrote the Australian anthem, For We Are Young
Zaltzman unleashes his unique and super-sharp                         monash.edu.au will receive a double passto the     And Free imagines a world where Paris Hilton
brand of riotous logic on Australian audiences                        show, so get in quick!                             reads Bertrand Russell, Dancing With The Stars
for the first time in 2007.                                                                                               has some actual stars on it (Jackson Pollock
                                                                                                                         and Frida Kahlo do the Samba), and Australian
Witness elaborate conspiracy theories                                                                                    democracy is held accountable.
constructed from mere nuggets of information.
He is mind-boggingly good, despite that he is                                                                            Lot’s Wife is offering four double passes to see
English, loves cricket, and more than slightly                        For We Are Young and Free                          For We Are Young and Free on Wednesday 4th
resembles Ronald McDonald.                                                                                               or Thursday 5th April. The first four people to
                                                                      Fortyfivedownstairs, 45 Flinders Lane               email Rita at info@forweareyoungandfree.com.
Andy has swiftly established himself in the                                                                              au will receive two tickets to either show.
                                                                      4 – 21 April
vanguard of British stand-up with his unique
brand of political comedy. He recently teamed                         Tuesday – Saturday 7pm
up with fellow comedians John Oliver and Chris
Addison to write, record and co-star in the                           For We Are Young And Free is a play about a girl
comedy show The Department for BBC Radio.                             who gets so sick of Australian politics that she
Sideshow Alley:
The show that didn’t
happen
The day before this issue’s article deadline        workshop production to the value of $30,000.
I conducted a phone interview with Alex             Matthew Robinson’s Metro Street won the prize
Rathgeber, a cast member of a new Australian        in 2004, and in 2006 the judges decided to
musical called Sideshow Alley. The show was         commission two of the prize’s six finalists to
due to make its way down to Melbourne in            create new musicals rather than awarding the
March after premiering at Brisbane’s QPAC           prize to one winner alone.
theatre. The interview went brilliantly – Alex
was a lively and enthusiastic subject, full of      The news that Sideshow Alley would receive
excitement and optimism about a project he          a commercial production was a big deal.
felt passionately about. Come deadline day          Everything about the show was new, and it was
and I am madly typing up the interview when         a huge encouragement to the industry that
the news reaches me: Sideshow Alley’s tour has      producers would be willing to take a risk on
been cancelled. It is not coming to Melbourne.
It is not coming anywhere. It will continue its
                                                    a new Australian work that didn’t centre on
                                                    a known story or the songs of an established
                                                                                                                     Avi Lipski
Brisbane run, close, and never be heard of          artist like Dusty or Priscilla. The show received
again.                                              a number of workshop productions – the first of      2007 and 2008 are already lining up to be
                                                    which directed by the acclaimed Gale Edwards,       stellar years for music theatre in Australia.
This news is immensely sad – not just for the       before being scheduled for a full production        Coming to our shores in the very near future
show’s cast, crew and creative team who             in Brisbane with plans to bring the show down       are Miss Saigon, Phantom, Guys and Dolls,
have poured their hearts and souls into a           to Melbourne’s Crown Palladium and then to          Billy Elliot, Spamalot and Respect, all of which
new Australian work they truly believe in. It       tour around the country. Evidently, this was        have been phenomenally successful either
is sad for the audience members around the          not meant to be, and whether it was the bad         overseas or previously in Australia. Add to
country who will be denied the opportunity          publicity or poor ticket sales, the producers       this the musicals being produced by the new
to see something new and different from the         announced that the show was not financially          national music theatre company, Kookaburra in
usual glitzy musical theatre fare. And it is sad    viable enough to tour.                              Sydney this year: Pippin, Company and Floyd
for the next generations of musical writers                                                             Collins. The Production Company will produce
and composers in this country, who face even        Australia’s music theatre industry is a fickle       three musicals here in Melbourne, which goes
slimmer chances than before of seeing their         one. For the most part, the shows that do           some way to demonstrate that musicals as a
work come to fruition in a full production at       terrifically are international imports – Broadway    theatrical form are well and truly thriving. In
a real theatre. It is clear that producers are      hits like The Producers, or West End smashes        terms of Australians producing our own work,
hesitant about taking risks on new Australian       like Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of           however, we still have a long way to go, and
work.                                               the Opera, which will see a return season           the failure of Sideshow Alley is testament
                                                    in Melbourne later this year. But original          to this. So for the five people still reading
First, a brief history: Sideshow Alley is a         Australian musicals do not have a particularly      this article, and for the two of the five that
musical by Gary Young and Paul Keelan which         high success rate, and no-one really knows          actually like music theatre, I beg you – please
won the inaugural Pratt Prize for a New             exactly why this is. Are we ashamed of seeing       support new Australian work. If you hear
Musical Theatre Work in 2002. The Pratt Prize       our own lives reflected on the musical stage?        something’s on, and it vaguely interests you,
is the only award in Australia aimed at the         Or is it just that no-one so far has managed        just buy a ticket. You never know: you may
development and production of new Australian        to write an Australian musical that captures        just save a show from being axed, and you
musical works, and awards $80,000 every two         commercial audiences? If we knew the answer         will be supporting an industry that has made
years to an original work of musical theatre,       to these questions then our industry would be       an incredible impact on Australia’s cultural
comprising of a cash prize of $50,000 and a         in a very different place to where it is now.       landscape.




For more about musicals
www.theproductioncompany.com.au                     www.theatrepeople.com.au                            www.broadwayatbedtime.com

Melbourne’s The Production Company puts on          A guide to what’s going on in Melbourne’s           The website supplement to the weekly radio
three shows a year. The company is also home        amateur musical theatre scene.                      segment on Joy 94.9FM which airs every Sunday
to the Pratt Prize.                                                                                     night between 9-11pm. The show is a fabulous
                                                    www.kookaburra.org.au                               insight into what’s happening in the industry
www.aussietheatre.com                                                                                   right now.
                                                    Australia’s new ‘national’ music theatre
An extremely comprehensive guide to what’s          company, headed by veteran Peter Cousens, will
happening in professional musical (and legit)       premiere three musicals this year and also aims
theatre all over Australia. An invaluable source.   to develop new Australian work in their creative
                                                    development wing called “The Nest”.
          coffee with..                                                                                      At the aptly titled “Big Mouth Café”
                                                                                                             in St Kilda, Avi Lipski sits down for a


          Yvonne
                                                                                                         chat with Monash Uni Student Theatre’s
                                                                                                          (MUST) Artistic Director, Yvonne Virsik,
                                                                                                            to talk about what she does and how
                                                                                                                you can be a part of MUST’s 2007
                                                                                                                                             season.



Hi Yvonne. Tell me, what do you do?                  the year so that students are able to learn         of opportunities for young people [to express
Well, I’m officially the Artistic Director of         different things about performance making.          themselves artistically]. An enormous number of
Monash Uni Student Theatre. An Artistic                                                                  people in the arts in Melbourne have had some
Director helps guide the artistic direction and      How do you think Voluntary Student                  experience in student theatre. I guess the thing
projects of a company – and we really are a                                                              about Student Theatre – though this may change
                                                     Unionism will affect what happens at                – is that we’re not as trapped by the pressure of
company. So there’s deciding what will be
in that season, making sure it’s artistically        Student Theatre?                                    income, so there’s an encouragement towards
interesting and diverse, marrying people with        Okay, we’re guessing a little bit – what we         experimentation. It’s also about learning,
the right projects, directing a certain number       know is that the poor [MSA] Office Bearers who       and one of the things that [I’m proud of] is
of pieces myself, and overseeing various events      got voted in this year – the employees of the       the number of people that we’re able to help
and projects within the company that aren’t          organisation – had to make a lot of decisions       get professional work [as a result of working
actually plays – things like the National Open       about what services to retain within the            with Student Theatre]…giving them the skills
Playwrights Competition, various workshops,          organisation because of the limited funding.        to create their own work. And also learning
development programs, events, and being a            And they decided that Student Theatre was           [things like] how to manage a theatrical
mentor to everyone involved. In this company         an integral service to students and performs        team, learning to schedule, to think ahead,
I guess I’m also the General Manager, which          very well (haha!). The subsidy that the MSA         negotiation, problem-solving skills, maybe
means keeping an eye on the budget, looking          provides to us has been cut, which means that       learning to manage budgets…all of these skills
for alternative sources of income, keeping an        obviously we need to keep making more money         can be applied to another kind of career and
eye on all organisational processes, overseeing      from our shows and spend less. We had a big         I believe an employer will see these as quite
the technical side of things, running the theatre    student theatre committee meeting last year         valuable. It’s also a great way to meet people,
we’ve got in the Campus Centre, overseeing           and brainstormed ways of doing this…[I guess]       especially in first year where it is very easy to
the PR programs, and liaising with the Monash        we’re going to try to increase the culture of,      get a bit lost. One of the things we don’t value
Student Association (MSA), who provide the bulk      “Do we really need to buy that prop?” We’ll         enough in this country… is developing student
of our funding.                                      also be looking for alternative incomes such as     work at this level, and if universities provide
                                                     sponsorship – which is hard for us, but hopefully   this hub of intense learning and discussion then
                                                     the MSA is looking at trying to increase            they’re going to provide an environment where
What’s happening in Student Theatre                  sponsorship for all departments. So hopefully       people can make commentary on each other’s
this year?                                           we can continue to develop with alternative         work and push each other in the right way. So
This year we had so many student submissions         incomes.                                            a tremendous breeding ground for our future
that I’ve tried something quite different, and
                                                                                                         culture as well.
we’re being a bit ambitious in terms of student
                                                     Can you tell me a bit about why you
created work, which is really encouraging
because what I’ve seen over the few years I’ve       think Student Theatre is so important to            How can students get involved in MUST
been there [at MUST] is the student interest in      the culture of the University, and to the           this year?
creating their own work and watching it grow,        students themselves?                                It’s pretty damn easy! The best thing that you
and I’ve seen the work inspire other students to     Well in general, I think in order for us to         can do if you’re reading this article is to come
maybe create their own pieces. I’ve accepted         examine what the hell it is to be human             and see us. Pop into the office, have a chat
six student submissions this year, and I will also   beings, and to relate [to one another] within       and get on our email lists. It’s really good if we
be directing a piece in first semester. [MUST         the complex structures that we create, art is       know who you are – if you come in and let us
Technical Manager] Jason Lehane is also a really     really important… it creates a forum to bring       know what you’re interested in. If you want to
accomplished theatre maker, so I’ve asked him        people together to have a common experience;        learn something, don’t be afraid to ask. It does
if he’d like to direct something this year as        giving them something to think about and            help to be quite realistic about how much time
well. And we don’t just do plays – we’re also        marvelling at what we as humans are capable         you can put into something, because it can be a
looking at having weekly directors forums,           of doing. Student Theatres specifically are so       big commitment. In terms of acting, most of our
dramaturgy sessions and workshops throughout         important here in Australia because of the lack     shows have auditions – but they’re very open
                                                                                                         and very relaxed. Just jump in and come see us!

So what’s on at MUST this year?
Semester 1                                                                                               Urinetown
The O Show created by Tom Pitts and Alex de la       …plus plays directed by Yvonne Virsik and Jason     Presented by Monash University Musical
Rambelje                                             Lehane, the Dog’s Breakfast development             Company (MUMCo)
                                                     program, various directing forums and
How I Learned to Drive by Paula Vogel                dramaturgy workshops                                Home
Directed by Dominique Bongiovanni                                                                        Written, devised and directed by Steph Speirs
                                                     Semester 2
R&J – adapted from William Shakespeare’s                                                                 Captain Baghands and the Age of Cardboard
Romeo and Juliet                                     Stolen Footsteps by Daniel Lammin                   Devised and directed by Zack Pretlove & Ben
Adapted and directed by Sean Mulcahy for the         Directed by Jenny McAdam                            Mitchell
Monash Shakespeare Society                           (Joint Monash Student Winner 2005 National
                                                                                                         The Real Inspector Hound by Tom Stoppard
Contemporary Dance Piece created by Pat Hill         Open Playwrights’ Competition)                      Directed by Danny Delahunty as part of the
and Eryn Skinner                                                                                         Melbourne Fringe Festival
This page was proudly brought to you by the Liberal Government’s passing of
                   Voluntary Student Union legislation...
                                                                                                                           LOT’S WIFE
38/                                                                                                                        STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Science                                                                                                                    ISSUE 02/2007




the Lot’s Wife science quiz
                                          are you a brainiac?
We all think we know a little bit about how our
bodies work – how muscles contract to help us
bend our knee, how the stomach produces acids
to break down food – but what about all that
mush inside our skull? That giant sponge con-
trols almost every aspect of our lives, from our
breathing, to our emotions. You might think you
know a bit about the brain, but you can’t be
sure until you’ve done the ultimate Lot’s Wife
Quiz. It’s time to pick your brain, and find out if
you really are a brainiac.

(1) What is white matter?
a) a collection of central nervous system axons
b) important discussion points at KKK meetings
c) the specks that appear when you stare at
bright light

(2) What does STS stand for?
a) sexually transmitted supervisors
b) side tract syndrome
c) sagittal temporal sulcus

(3) When would “mirror neurons” fire?
a) when you observe another person grasping an                                                  and the winner is...
object
b) when you look at your reflection                                                              Between 0-7
c) when you say the word “mirror”                    (9) What is neurogenesis?
                                                     a) the theory that God is a giant Brain    So neuroscience really isn’t your thing. You
                                                     b) the process of growing new neurons      whip out the word bipolar in reference to global
(4) What is the corpus callosum?                     c) the most famous neuroscience textbook
a) the brain function of an unconscious person                                                  warming, and think a neurotransmitter is part of
                                                     – published in over 200 languages          your new Siemens F65-4000. This time, you have
b) the Latin phrase for mind/ body/ soul
c) a central structure in your brain                                                            been sprung! So have a read, and learn some
                                                     (10) Which animal has the largest brain?   stuff, and if you don’t want to, that’s fine too.
                                                     a) Porpoise                                I’m sure you’re good at other things; like scull-
(5) What causes Parkinson’s disease?                 b) Wolf                                    ing yard glasses, running with your dog, or just
a) Damage to a group of cells in the midbrain
                                                     c) Baboon                                  spending mummy’s money.
b) Making too many ‘Back to the Future’ movies
c) Damage to myelinated fibres
                                                                                                Between 8-15
(6) How do dolphins sleep?
                                                                                                You’re almost there! You passed biology in
a) They float in a secluded part of the ocean
                                                                                                school with flying colours, and remember that
b) By continuing to swim and turning off half of     Calculate your results                     the nervous system isn’t just active when you
their brain at a time
                                                                                                have to speak in public. But unfortunately
c) Like humans, except on a ‘posturepedic’ mat-
                                                                   a       b        c           you’re hardly a brainiac. You still think a den-
tress for better arch support
                                                         1         2       0        1           drite is a small insect that feeds on wood (when
                                                                                                it is really a type of neuron), and that the spinal
(7) The insular cortex of the brain is                   2         0       1        2
                                                                                                cord is a band from The Simpsons. There’s a big
most likely activated both when                          3         2       1        0           brainiac world out there – so get involved, stop
a) you smell something disgusting, and see an            4         1       0        2           watching the Gabba and start reading about
expression of disgust in someone                                                                GABA.
                                                         5         2       0        1
b) you eat a really good cake, and watch some-
one cooking a cake                                       6         0       1        2
                                                                                                Between 16-20
c) you smell something disgusting and see Brit-          7         2       1        0
ney Spears shaving her hair                              8         1       0        2           You really are a brainiac! You know everything
                                                         9         0       2        1           from psychology, to psychiatry, from pneumo-
(8) What is the function of the somato-                                                         nia, to pseudonyms. And I’ll even bet that you
                                                        10         2       0        1
sensory cortex?                                                                                 know why a silent ‘p’ sits at the front of them
a) Allows us to cry                                                                             all! You’re fascinated by all that mush in your
b) Allows us to understand why Britney “I did                                                   head, and like Pinky’s better-half, Brain, you
not shave for a cure” Spears is still in magazines                                              are secretly plotting to take over the world- one
c) Allows us to understand touch sensations                                                     neuron at a time. If only you could get your
                                                                                                head out of those books for five minutes, and
                                                                                                watch some cartoons, you might have under-
                                                                                                stood that joke.
                                                                                                                                   LOT’S WIFE
39/                                                                                                                                STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Science                                                                                                                            ISSUE 02/2007




Survival in the melting Arctic                                                                            wendy zukerman
Polar bears in the north of Alaska may be           (WWF) climate change expert claimed that
turning to cannibalism to survive. Climate          “if we don’t act immediately the Arctic will
change is shrinking polar ice caps, changing the    soon become unrecognisable…polar bears will
living environment of the bears, and restricting    be consigned to history, something that our
their access to their natural food.                 grandchildren can only read about in books.”

Polar bears in the southern Beaufort Sea usually    Currently, the area covered by summer sea ice
eat ringed seals, but now there are reports that    in the Arctic is decreasing by 9.2 percent per      is comparable to the behaviour of polar bears
a growing number of polar bears are preying on      decade and “will disappear entirely by the end      when they prey on the ringed seal (here polar
their own species. In the past, polar bears have    of the century” unless the situation changes,       bears collapse the snow over the seal’s lair).
been known to kill each other for dominance         WWF said.                                           After killing the female the polar bear dragged
and reproductive advantage, but killing for                                                             her 245 feet away, and ate part of the carcass.
survival was rare.                                  In February 2005 activists petitioned to list
                                                    polar bears as threatened under the federal         Adding further concern to the cannibalistic
Scientists examined three cases of polar bears      Endangered Species Act in the USA. This move        behaviour is the wider implication for polar
preying on each other during a three month          (so far unsuccessful) has only been necessary       bear populations. Females are about half the
period in the north of Alaska. “During 24 years     due to the growing understanding and affect of      size of males, suggesting if future attacks were
of research on polar bears in… [this] region, we    global warming. Kassie Siegal, lead author on       to occur, females would be the victims more
have not seen other incidents of polar bears        the petition highlighted the importance of the      often than not. In the two deaths studied, the
stalking, killing, and eating other polar bears,”   new findings. “It shows in a really graphic way      females that died had cubs with them. When
the researchers said.                               how severe the problem of global warming is for     the den collapsed, two cubs were buried, and
                                                    polar bears,” she said.                             suffocated in the snow rubble.
The change in polar bear behaviour is a
                                                    Researchers found the first kill in January 2004.    Currently, the diminishing polar bear population
surprising indicator of how global warming is
                                                    By examining the outer wall of a polar bear den,    is primarily linked to ice caps melting. If a trend
leading to the endangerment of many Arctic
                                                    the scientists concluded that a male bear had       in cannibalism continues to grow due to climate
animals.
                                                    pounced on the den’s roof to collapse it, and       change, by the end of the century, these
Tonje Folkestad, a World Wildlife Foundation        kill the female inside. This method of attack       creatures may be history.




Bloodsuckers on Campus                                                                                             felicity edward
Mozzies, gnats, musketas, les moucherons,           in the mosquito.                                    student who’s just had a long day at uni (we’re
stechmucken, mygs, konopus, ‘those fucking          The saliva entering the body triggers an immune     all doomed!)
little bloodsuckers’, or whatever you call them,    response. Histamine is released in the area of
there is little doubt that mosquitoes know how      the bite, causing the nearby blood vessels to       When a little bloodsucker does get you,
to make their presence felt. There are over         enlarge. On many people, a hive (a red, swollen     remember scratching is the worst thing to do.
2500 known species worldwide, with over 400 of      area) forms, and histamine irritates nerve          It increases the itch and may cause infection.
these calling our sunburned country home.           endings in the skin, causing the familiar itch.     Try to keep the infected area clean and dry
                                                    The more frequently you’re bitten, the more         until the irritation abates. There’re many
Mosquitoes are insects belonging to the order       severe the allergic reaction becomes. Some          remedies circulating. Make your own mind up
Diptera, the True Flies, and are in the genus       people seem to be targeted by mozzies more          about what’s best for you. Stingose is always
Anopheles – which incidentally means being          than others, and some people are not at all. It’s   handy. Putting ice wrapped in cloth or applying
‘hurtful’ or ‘prejudicial’ in Greek. Although       the luck of the draw.                               a baking soda paste directly on the bite site
very small and squashable, mozzies are proven                                                           relieves irritation. I find my own saliva works
adversaries to humans. Over 1.5 million people      Prevention against mozzie bites is the best         well too: spit for a cause. If the swelling is
die from malaria each year, mostly in Africa.       cure. If possible, avoid mozzie-infested areas,     bothering you a lot, use an anti-inflammatory
Mozzies act as vectors, or carriers, for a number   especially at dawn and dusk when they’re            drug such as ibuprofen or aspirin. Anti-
of well-known diseases in both the human and        most active. Cover as much skin as possible.        histamines can be used in severe cases, but if
animal populations, including Ross River fever,     Wear long pants and a long-sleeved top.             problems persist, see your doctor.
yellow fever, dengue, Barmah Forest virus,          Apply mozzie-repellent to exposed areas of
kunjin and some kinds of encephalitis.              skin, reapplying regularly. If you’re out trying    Keep enjoying the outdoors kids, but just
                                                    to enjoy a BBQ or have a campfire going,             remember, they’re out to get you!
The female mosquito possesses a fine, piercing,      remember mozzies hate smoke. Use citronella
sucking mouthpart called a proboscis. Two           candles, or put a load of wet leaves on the fire.
canals run up the proboscis - one that sucks        Sure, it’ll irritate the crap out of your eyes,
your blood while the other injects the mozzie’s     but mozzies hate smoke. Amuse yourselves by
saliva directly into your capillary. This saliva    making smoke signals or something.
contains anticoagulants to stop your blood
from clotting, allowing the mozzie to have an       Mosquitoes are attracted to the smell of beer,
unfettered drink of blood. Although mozzies         and love people wearing perfume. Scientists
move freely from host to host there is no           have also found mozzies to be attracted to
evidence of disease transmission like when using    smelly cheeses, which could explain the affinity
a dirty syringe. There are two separate canals,     of some mozzies for human feet. So watch out
and viruses like AIDS or hepatitis cannot survive   if you’re a beer-swilling, deodorant-wearing
                                                                                                                                      LOT’S WIFE
40/                                                                                                                                   STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Science                                                                                                                               ISSUE 02/2007




cyril the scot takes a
                                                                                              hanging over
                                                      My exposure to many drunk and hungover people        prove my housemate wrong about the effect
                                                      has taught me that people respond to alcohol         of the different kinds of alcohol. Apparently
look at the disease that                              differently and that their next-day response is      some forms of alcohol are more likely to give
haunts Monash every                                   necessarily varied. We all know the standard         you a brain-crushing, toilet-hugging hangover
                                                      symptoms: those mentioned above, plus                than others. There are by-products of the
Friday morning                                        dehydration, the runs, the sweats and inability      fermentation process used to make alcohols such
                                                      to read that bleeding constitutional law text.       as brandy, wine, tequila, whiskey. These spirits
I have had the complete range of hangovers. I                                                              are commonly called congeners, which heighten
have thrown up and I have been incapable of           The first thing that I discovered about the           the effects of the hangover. Clear liquors, such as
moving for fear of throwing up. However, I have       hangover was its medical name: Veisalgia, which      rum, gin and vodka, are distilled, not fermented,
never doubted why I have a hangover. My wallet        sounds more like something that might get            and are less likely to cause severe hangovers than
is lighter; my shirt smells of beer and cigarettes,   stuck in your throat, like a chunk of last night’s   their fermented cousins.
and I have the phone number of Bonnie lass (or        souvlaki.
maybe it was just a lassie named Bonnie) on a                                                              Of course I went on to consider what I may do
metcard in my pocket.                                 Although there are several contributors to           to reduce the impact of the death hangover. It
                                                      post-drinking pain, it appears that the big bad      appears that most of the ‘white-coats’ promote
When I first started drinking I feared the             boss of causes is ethanol. Ethanol promotes          little more than water consumption to combat
hangover. I knew that I would feel sick, eat lots     dehydration, which makes the brain shrivel away      dehydration before and after boozing. I personally
of junkfood and the day would be lost to dvds in      from the skull. This goes some way to explaining     prefer and often practice my great grandmother’s
the dark. As I have grown older I have learnt to      the hangover headache. Also, the increased           famous remedy: three fingers of whisky taken at
respect and sometimes enjoy the throbbing buzz        presence of acetaldehyde, a mild toxin and a by-     regular intervals through out the day.
in my brain and the excuse to wear a butt shaped      product of the body’s efforts to dispose of the
indent into my sofa. Although I have become one       ethanol, is likely to exacerbate the symptoms of     So next time your best friend is holding your hair
with the experience of the hangover, my native        the hangover.                                        out of the path of your projectile vomiting, you
Scottish curiosity insists that I look further into                                                        can close your eyes just as I did this morning, and
the phenomenon that is the hangover.                  Through this research, I was happily able to         marvel at the magnificent chemical reactions
                                                                                                           taking place within your belly and your brain.




why there is no IQ
in GAMSAT wendy zukerman
The GAMSAT stands for Graduate Australian
Medical School Admissions Test. As the                However, my beef with the GAMSAT does not
name suggests it is a test for people who             end here (eating Bessy the Cow would not end
want to study medicine post-grad. It is the           my beef with the GAMSAT). There is a section
“unstudyable” test, designed for students to          on the GAMSAT specifically for “language
rock up on the day and have their intelligence        and English”, with multiple choice questions
tested. It could be considered the IQ test of all     designed to analyse poetry and short stories.
IQ tests, to decide who will join the rank and        How clever these examiners must be to put
file of Australia’s elite and become… a doctor!        poetry into a four choice option! Picture it:
*insert awe filled silence*.
                                                      “When Sylvia Plath wrote. ‘You do not do, you
Rather than being “unstudyable” (yes, I               do not do/ Any more, black shoe’ in her poem
understand that I may have invented that word,        Daddy, what does the shoe represent? a) Power
pretending that it is real, but considering the       b) Strength c) Conservatism d) Out of season
GAMSAT organisers invented the concept, I             style?”
think we can all deal with it…) doctors and
‘entrepreneurs’ are charging thousands for            Next time they should ask students to draw
willing students to pay for GAMSAT training           up a poem on the “J. Evans Pritchard Scale”,
(on top of the cost of the GAMSAT entry fee           a la Dead Poets Society. Thank goodness that
of $286). These students receive a book full          Australia has a test to weed out the unpoetic;
of practice questions, and guides on how to           otherwise we might dampen the prestigious
answer the questions, with training sessions          medical profession with the undeserving poor.
promising better scores on the GAMSAT or              Grrr…..!
your money back. This is utterly ridiculous. It
ultimately means that students, who can afford        PS: To all my friends doing the GAMSAT this
the training sessions, will receive a “heads up”      year, good luck! I know you would all be
not enjoyed by those who cannot, thus ensuring        fabulous doctors, and if the Australian medical
that the medical profession remains, as it has        association doesn’t recognise that, then we can
for centuries, in the hands of the upper-middle       all move to Iceland.
class.
                                  wendy zukerman explores the world of penis
                                    enlargements and whether they are all
                                           they’re cracked up to be

All through our lives we are exposed to           penile sensation and erectile dysfunction.        in the International Journal of Impotence
jokes about “size”. Anytime someone whips         Furthermore, according to LiveScience’s Bad       Research in 2002. They reported that most
out a comment as innocent as “I have a            Medicine Columnist, Christopher Wanjek            men seeking penis enhancement were within
long surfboard” or “That banana is huge”          “there is no safe way to enlarge one’s penis;     the normal size range, but they greatly
someone else will inevitably snigger to           and for the vast majority of men, there is no     overestimated the size of an average penis.
themselves. But metaphors aside, this time        reason to do so.”
I’m actually talking about penises, and their                                                       Men thought that the average flaccid size was
                                                  After interviewing Dr. Karen Boyle, director
size. With breast enhancement surgery being                                                         about 5 inches, with some venturing as high
                                                  of Reproductive Medicine and Surgery at
a relatively safe and (unfortunately) a well                                                        as 6.5 inches. In fact, according to the Italian
                                                  Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Wanjek
accepted phenomenon, penis enlargement                                                              study, a 7-inch erect penis would place you in
                                                  concludes that the risk of penis enlargement
surgery comes up rather short, that is, if                                                          the 99th percentile.
                                                  surgery is very high, claiming “there’s a very
anyone cums up at all.
                                                  good chance a man will lose sensation or the
                                                                                                    Not surprisingly, these studies are hidden
                                                  ability to have an erection”.
Penis enlargement surgery, also called                                                              away from Dr. Whitehead’s website which
phalloplasty, includes a wide range of surgical                                                     claims that penile enlargement surgery can
                                                  Dr. Boyle strongly discouraged all patients
procedures including penis lengthening                                                              improve self-esteem and quality of life. It
                                                  with normal, functional penises getting penis
surgery, penis widening surgery in the flaccid                                                       goes even further to state, “With respect to
                                                  enlargements surgery, stating they “…do not
and erect state and glanular enhancement.                                                           feelings of penile inadequacy…even if it is
                                                  work and... shouldn’t be performed.”
Dr. E. Douglas Whitehead (his real name, I                                                          normal, the results of such surgery frequently
kid you not) is an associate Clinical Professor                                                     will improve his sexual and machismo image
                                                  Penile surgery is encouraged only for men
of Urology at the Albert Einstein College of                                                        and positively affect his interactions with
                                                  born with a congenital abnormality, who
Medicine in New York who specialises in male                                                        sexual partners, co-workers and professional
                                                  have suffered an injury, or who have severe
genital surgery, and according to his web site,                                                     associates.”
                                                  erectile dysfunction. In this situation, men
approximately 95% of his practice involves
                                                  start with a non-functioning penis for sexual
phalloplasty.                                                                                       It all just makes me wonder what we are
                                                  purposes, so benefits from the surgery
                                                                                                    all doing with our degrees at Monash – if Dr.
Penis lengthening surgery is performed using      outweigh the possible risks.
                                                                                                    Whitehead is right, and interactions with
several methods including fat implants to add
                                                                                                    co-workers and professional associates are
girth. However, Dr. Whitehead uses a more         The irony of the whole surgery is that, for the
                                                                                                    coupled with the size of penises I am going
specialised method that he deems a safe           most part, size doesn’t matter. Penis sizes
                                                                                                    to be in big trouble. And before all you boys
approach to penis enhancement. This method        do differ, but the biggest difference is in the
                                                                                                    whip out the sock and start stuffing, I’d avoid
involves cutting two ligaments (the fundiform     flaccid penis (which fluctuates between 1
                                                                                                    taking any advice from a man who’s name is
and suspensory ligament) that attach the          and 4 inches for most men). This variation
                                                                                                    Whitehead – and went in the business of penis
erectile bodies to the pubic bone. This           is usually made up when the penis is erect,
                                                                                                    enlargements. A little bit of self awareness,
incision releases the penis from the bone,        where it reaches an average size of between
                                                                                                    goes a long way (pun intended)!
allowing it to extend beyond its original size.   5 and 6 inches. So one of the great myth-
                                                  conceptions of our time that flaccid length
The suspensory ligament usually makes the         predicts erect length, is a farce.
penis arch under the pubic bone, by cutting
it, the penis extends on a straighter path        Furthermore, according to Wanjek, in vaginal
giving a longer physical appearance. The          sex any erect penis 4 inches or longer, is
incisions made are approximately 1” to 1½”,       enough to stimulate the erogenous tissue
and according to Dr. Whitehead’s web site,        in the vagina, and “a penis longer than 8
this is a relatively minor procedure, with a      inches can ram into the cervix and cause
low risk.                                         discomfort”. (NB: Ram, his words, not mine).

Despite this claim, the site does list several    One of the largest studies on penis size (so
risks including shortening of the penis,          sometimes size does matter), involving 3,000
bruising, bleeding, infection, reduction in       men, was published by Italian researchers
                                                                                                                      LOT’S WIFE
42/                                                                                                                   STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Cinema & Soap                                                                                                         ISSUE 02/2007




                                      it’s all in the clues
                                      jeremy splitter
                                      Many TV watchers complain that the cluster          CSI
                                      of crime shows in recent years has produced         Focusing more on the forensics and the minutiae
                                      dozens of carbon-copies: identical and indistinct   of crime scenes, this is the crime show for
                                      shows about crime solvers and the crimes they       science buffs and anyone more interested in
                                      solve. Many search desperately for the features     the clues and crimes than the characters. CSI,
                                      of these shows that distinguish them from all       unusually, tries to be more artsy and special-
                                      the others. Here’s why you don’t need to be a       effectsy than other crime shows.
                                      detective to tell them apart.
                                                                                          CSI: Miami
                                      Law and Order                                       It’s just like CSI, except in Miami!
                                      The granddaddy of them all. Law and Order
                                      started the trend of archetypal characters in
                                      crime shows. The blue print begins with the         CSI: NY
                                      crusty older cop and his younger, by-the-book       You wouldn’t believe what this one’s about.
                                      partner and continues with the well-meaning
                                      Judge who is more often than not bound by           Veronica Mars
                                      some clause of the law and unable to help           Typically for a younger crowd, Veronica Mars
                                      “without more evidence”. Particularly when          deals with longer, sometimes season-long
                                      the suspect is very clearly guilty. A solid if      mysteries. The show’s clever, funny dialogue
                                      conservative and formulaic show if you don’t        and pop-culture wit make it stand out as a
                                      want too much complication and surprise.            darker, smarter OC (that just happens to be
                                                                                          about solving mysteries). Mars doesn’t follow
                                                                                          the usual template of crime shows, as the
                                      Law and Order: SVU                                  mysteries are much closer to the characters’
                                      SVU has some similar characters to its              homes and the show cares much more about its
                                      predecessor, but the leading characters get         cast than its cases.
                                      more attention and importance. The mysteries
                                      are always to do with sex or children – “SVU”
                                      stands for “Special Victims Unit” – and bonus       NCIS
                                      points for both! Not good for a light hearted       Deals with higher profile cases, and does it
                                      romp through fairy land. Watch out for every        well. Much more focused on characters and
                                      second episode, where Elliot “dramatically loses    their development, NCIS adds some much-
                                      control”!                                           needed personality to the otherwise pretty
                                                                                          stale world of crime shows. NCIS is more like a
                                                                                          medical show (eg. House), where the mystery
                                      Law and Order: Criminal Intent                      is secondary to the characters. Unless, you
                                      Detective Goren makes this one more fun than        know, the case involves one of the characters
                                      the others, because you can mentally race him       (see: Abby gets a stalker; Ziva kills a man; the
                                      to the investigation’s finish line. Unlike the       Director gets kidnapped; Gibbs gets shot).
                                      other two, the case-breaker in CI is typically an
                                      intuitive guess of Goren’s. If you like watching
                                      really smart guys do their thing, Criminal Intent   Magnum, PI
                                      is the show for you. Ignore his partner; she’s      It’s an older crime show, to be sure, but it’s
                                      boring.                                             great fun to see what adventures Tom Selleck’s
                                                                                          giant, manly moustache gets into.
                                                                                                                               ‘smokin’ aces’
                                                                                                                                film review:


                Guy Ritchie, anyone? The phenomena that is           say that ‘Smokin’ Aces’ is simply a rip off of
                                                                                                                                  hayley ricketson




                ‘Tightass Tuesday’ led me to Joe Carnahan’s          any other Guy Ritchie film or a cheap imitation.
                hard-hitting, ‘Gangsta’ crime/drama/thriller         Instead, the impression given is a man who is
                that is ‘Smokin’ Aces’, and however enthralling      brave enough to admit to his influences so as to
                and entertaining, it clearly derives its roots       create a specific atmosphere within the film.
                from a very specific source. The film’s plot           He then ads a personal touch that sets his film
                revolves around wannabe mobster and                  aside from Snatch and all the others. His film
                subsequent snitch Buddy ‘Aces’ Israel, who has       has, for lack of a better word, heart. Not in the
                made the one enemy you don’t want to make            most cliched sense of the word, but in a more
                in the underground world of the Mafia: Primo          painful and dramatic one. Instead of throwing
                Sparazza. The result is a well-crafted and           all the violence away as a punch line, Carnahan
                edited film with all the signature visual effects     digs a little deeper and pulls out a meaning.
                of any Guy Ritchie film that moves at a quick         All in all, I found Smokin Aces a well made film
                pace which doesn’t slacken, and a sharp script       with a cast full of big names, who don’t show up
                full of wit that, while mostly fresh and original,   any other fellow actors but put in their part to
                will occasionally remind you of Snatch or Lock,      create a true ensemble work.
                Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. This is not to
phil rouse                                             a dummies guide to scopophilia
Rather than another rant for the editorial         mis-en-scene etc), to increase and accentuate         exploits the female body image into something
section of the cinema, I decided that this time    the idea that the woman on screen is the              that is non-threatening and fairly inept beyond
round I would give some rough outlines that        spectacle. According to Mulvey the camera             a sexual object.
you will hopefully find interesting (if nothing     acts as the male spectator-ship, and thus all
else it’s impressive party banter!). Basically,    witnesses of the cinema will have the male            Mulvey points out another way in which cinema
this article is a rough outline on the way         point of view (hence the obvious problem for          overcomes the threat to its male viewers, and
feminism is studied and used as a theoretical      feminist equality). Mulvey dubbed this the            that is the idea of exploration and ultimately
background for the study of cinema. From the       ‘“masculinisation” of the spectators position’,       punishment or redemption of the guilty party,
outset, I DON’T CLAIM ANY EXPERTISE in this        which means that it does not matter on the            in this case the female. This can be viewed
subject. For an in-depth understanding of the      gender of the person who is watching the film,         in countless films from the past 60 years and
ins and outs of feminism refer to another one      they will automatically be subjected to the           particularly in the genre of film noir, where
of the lovely Lot’s Wife sub-editors for such      male point of view.                                   the entirety of the crazy filmed world is made
information. What I do know however is how the                                                           stable by being able to pin the blame on the
fundamental principles of feminism are applied     This point of view argument is nothing new to         femme fatal. This is generally known as the
to cinema and how films are sexist, patriarchal     critical feminist studies, and most studies of        voyeuristic-sadistic film, where by the audience
or misrepresentative according to that theory.     literature will argue that there is a predominant     are voyeurs but are witnesses of some form
So without further ado, let the lesson begin:      lack of female perspective. Film however              of power over the female party. Once again
                                                   imposes a whole host of new and interesting           the feminist stand on this would be fairly
The watershed of feminist film theory was           problems, due to the fact that it introduces the      predictable.
Laura Mulvey, with her article ‘Visual Pleasure    actual image of the female body to be ‘looked
and Narrative Cinema’. This was a large and        at’. Once again going back to Freud, this             This is only a very basic outlining of how
extensive article and the centre of much           being ‘looked at’ points out sexual difference        feminist theories are applied within the critical
academia both for and against it in later years.   and invokes within a male psyche the fear of          cinematic world, for those who want a much
Mulvey’s first principle was the idea that Freud    castration. This fear is contained by neutralising    more in-depth understanding of such things
developed of Scopophilia – namely the pleasure     the threat with the use of highly stylised            there are literally hundreds of books in the
of looking. As this suggests, along with one of    imagery (think the ridiculous over the top body       various libraries around Monash and abroad to
her headings: ‘woman as image/man as bearer        shots of women in Baywatch), this causes the          fill you in. For the rest of you, commit as much
of the look’, the key to this kind of feminist     male viewer to forget the threat of castration        of this to memory as possible, it will make you
theory (the psychoanalytic theory), is that men    by making the image unbelievable. This stylised       sound intelligent at parties and people will
gain a level of sexual pleasure and satisfaction   image is a fetish-like state that stands in for the   be impressed not only by your understanding
by watching women on film.                          missing penis of a woman, and thus disavows           of feminist theory but also your detailed
                                                   the knowledge of castration with the male             knowledge of modern cinema. Use with caution
This is the basic idea, which is then theorised    viewers new belief in the power of the fetish         though... don’t get branded a wanker!!!
by Mulvey to describe how cinema shapes it’s       (the fetish being the compensatory object). The
formal aspects (like lighting, camera angles,      feminist problem with this is fairly obvious, as it
                                                                                                                                      LOT’S WIFE
44/                                                                                                                                   STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Cinema and Soap                                                                                                                       ISSUE 02/2007




Putting Your                                                                                                 Kathryn McNally looks at
                                                                                                             the debate surrounding

 Family First...                                                                                              violence on television


Usually, the call for removing excess violence                                                             the passion and outrage that might have been
from TV is the appeal of political parties like                                                            observed in the sixties or seventies, we’re
Family First, or concerned parental groups                                                                 muttering under our breaths, shrugging off
who want to feed their children fluffy lies and                                                             events which ‘someone should do something
happiness for the rest of their lives – both of                                                            about’.
whom I personally dislike. So it might come
as a surprise that someone who thinks the                                                                  Since 9/11, and the coalition troop deployment
message in Fight Club is a positive one,                                                                   into Iraq (whether you consider it an invasion or
would be writing about the excess of and                                                                   a mission) there have been increasing instances
desensitization to violence both on television                                                             of footage shown on both television and the
and in movies.                                                                                             internet depicting torture or kidnap victims
                                                                                                           held at gunpoint to speak to a camera. Imagine
Of course, we all know that television and                                                                 being one of those people; in fear of your life,
movies are, for the most part, unreal. They                                                                with a gun held to your head in a strange place,
skew and portray, edit and touch up reality to                                                             not knowing what is going to happen. Perhaps
the point that it’s not really real at all. And this     ‘Of course, we all know                           watching others shot dead in front of you:
is the main reason many of us watch it, because                                                            have you ever seen a real dead body? We see
who would really like to sit around and watch          that television and movies                          such footage on television and at the movies
normal people do normal things like eating and                                                             every day. We think we know the reality of the
sleeping, 24-7? (Big Brother fans, I have nothing         are, for the most part,                          situation because of the representations we see
to say to you.) We know that just because                                                                  on screen, but all of us have admitted at one
something is seen as realistic on the screen
                                                          unreal. They skew and                            time or another that they’re not real images,
doesn’t mean it can or will happen, and anyone
who has even been forced to sit through
                                                         portray, edit and touch                           they’re only actors who, once the scene is shot,
                                                                                                           will get up and have a nice warm shower to
the incredibly unrealistic special effects of             up reality to the point                          wash of the fake blood, then jump into their
Charlie’s Angels can testify to that. However, it                                                          landcruiser and drive home to their mansions,
doesn’t necessarily mean that we aren’t                that it’s not really real at                        where they can sleep in peace.
acclimatizing ourselves to it.
                                                         all. And this is the main                         I don’t think violence should be banned from
For example, any number of movies these days                                                               our screens – it’s a free world, and as inane
include torture or violence to some extent, and
                                                        reason many of us watch                            as such scenes can get, they can still be an
within the context of the movies we watch and
enjoy the story, the show, the performance.
                                                          it, because who would                            educational tool to some degree. Whilst we
                                                                                                           know that much of the violence that we see is
We play video games that involve rewards                 really like to sit around                         not real, we should also consider that the things
for killing, and we enjoy good, realistic fight                                                             portrayed to us as reflections of real events
scenes. Still, we know that it’s all fiction,            and watch normal people                            are things that most of us are lucky enough to
because we wouldn’t really run around LA                                                                   escape in our relatively safe lives. For others
shooting police, or emotionlessly watch a girl             do normal things like                           that endure such events, they are harsh, sick
getting raped. Nor do we stare in idolising awe                                                            and stark realities. So whilst television isn’t
at how well someone is punching someone else’s
                                                       eating and sleeping, 24-7?                          real, there is a whole world out there full of
head in. Yet in today’s day and age, where the
whole world is becoming more accessible at
                                                        (Big Brother fans, I have                          things far worse than what they would ever be
                                                                                                           allowed to show on it.
the simple click of a button, people appear to           nothing to say to you.)’
be densitised to such acts. Instead of feeling                                                             Kathryn McNally



SCRUBS: Season 6 Reviewed
With only 5 confirmed episodes left in what is          anywhere to progress since most are expecting
most likely the final season, it would appear           children after a ludicrous spate of pregnancies.
that NBC’s medical comedy Scrubs is about to           Some comic relief is still injected by Neil Flynn
flatline for the last time. Scrubs has been a           as the laconic Janitor, but on the whole it
consistently funny drama for a full 5 seasons          appears that the writers are attempting to tie
but due to a lack of room for character                up loose ends in preparation for a likely ending.   or converted. Try seasons 1-4 on DVD if you’re
development, even the most hardened of fans            Mid-season, however, saw an all-singing, all-       not yet initiated. For those of us who want to
would have most likely found the most recent           dancing Broadway musical episode which proved       see an end to this classic comedy it appears
episodes to be fairly sub par. The inventive           that there was still originality somewhere down     we’ll have to endure long, wistful camera shots,
fantasy sequences and witticisms have been             near the bottom of the writer’s barrel. Those       half-arsed jokes and a newborn baby every 15
done away with in favour of mediocre one-              who are staunch advocates of this show will be      seconds before we get there.
liners. The plot has become dry and lifeless           enticed to watch until the end of the season
and the characters themselves no longer have           but anyone new to the show will not be amused       J.Cole
45/
Cinema and Soap



                                      Television producers, friends or foe?
                                                                                                                                     - Zev Zinokurov


Television is like a dinosaur. It’s big. It’s bulky.   letting the writers wreak havoc without caring        them. Then it will become only a question
It’s incapable of anything but the shakiest, most      about such things as people breaking up or            of time — how long until the pretentious,
awkward movements. Yet unlike our extinct,             losing touch. But Lost is a slave to Television       underpaid acting masses succeed in rising up
reptilian brethren, the television remains alive       and Television will brook no character                and destroying their better paid rivals.
and well in the habitats of our living rooms. To       development within its unhallowed halls. Much
spend hours of my time watching television,            like a prisoner tortured on the rack, Lost is         Well no, not really. But what’s already
as so many others do, seems like an enormous           stretched out until whatever weak form it once        happening is that fans are making their
waste of time. Television is the enemy.                had is destroyed. Rarely, if ever, has a television   allegiances to various shows known via the
Television is addictive. Television is the terror      show gone gracefully into the night, and shows        internet. Through online petitions, television
that creeps in the night, ready to steal away          such as Lost are no exception. Exchanging cheap       executives have come to realise that the
our innocence without warning. It is repugnant,        thrills for storyline may work for a while, but       cancellation of quality shows is a bad idea. And
awful and evil.                                        eventually the show will become a victim of its       maybe—just maybe, someday in the future—
                                                       own plot holes.                                       we’ll be watching whatever we want, whenever
Today’s television shows range from cheap                                                                    we want it, without regard for expected profits
melodramas to overblown thrillers, with very           It is a sad reality that Television simply has no     or focus groups. At the very least the prospect
little inbetween. Occupying the first pole are          future as a medium if it continues in its             of home-made or low budget shows available
shows such as Desperate Housewives or Grey’s           short-sighted attempts at money-grabbing.             for general consumption online could rile up the
Anatomy. The former is desperate only to grab          Networks would do well to remember that               big players and make them churn out quality
the viewer’s attention; the latter is a tired          melodrama might temporarily sustain their             instead of the usual drivel they serve up. Since
visitation of the standard character based             profits, but far fewer people will purchase a          time immemorial, TV execs have made it their
hospital drama. All of which seems to suggest          DVD when the show features an increasingly            business to piss into the wind. With a little help
that people lead more interesting lives when           improbable series of appearances by the bomb          from the disenfranchised masses (that is, us)
they spend part of their time cutting bodies           squad. Shows that initially seem to lie outside       maybe they can adjust their aim.
open and the other part humping like mad.              the stereotype find themselves dragging on
Suspension of disbelief becomes particularly           without any conceivable end as they struggle to
difficult when they do both in quick succession.        adhere to their slavish taskmasters’ demands.
                                                       Eventually they too must fall to the wild beast
Then there’s Lost. Imagine yourself stuck on an        that is shortsightedness in TV execs.
island with a bunch of people who have nothing
in common with you. There you are forced to            This is why the internet could well become our
interact and develop relationships with people         saviour. As the cost of amateur shows decreases,
you would otherwise never meet. There are              the unemployed and disgruntled actors and
countless opportunities for conflict and drama.         writers of the world will join together in a spirit
And best of all, everyone’s stuck on an island         of collaboration, rebellion and outright greed in
and can’t leave if they hate each other—thereby        their quest to subvert the media that rejected



       The Top 5                                       1. Born on the fourth of July
                                                       (1990, Oliver Stone)
                                                                                                             3. Full Metal Jacket (1987,
                                                                                                             Stanley Kubrick)

      Vietnam War
                                                       This list was very easy to compile but very           This film is just dead set fuckin’ funny. The
                                                       hard to order. I gave this film pride of place         dialogue is among the best comedy dialogue
                                                       over the other masterful works within this list       in cinema history, and yet the film shows the
                                                       because it shows, more than the other films,           dissention and ill-discipline that is rife in the

          Films                                        both the madness in the war and the anxiety
                                                       and heartbreak upon the veterans return.
                                                       The drunken scene of Ron Kovic (Tom Cruise)
                                                                                                             American military and causes extremely un-
                                                                                                             necessary loss of life, both allied and civilian.

                                                       confronting his uber-conservative parents
                                                       screaming ‘penis’ at the top of his voice still       4. Platoon (1986, Oliver Stone)
                - Phil Rouse                           sends chills down my spine.                           Stone was a Vietnam vet himself, and never is
                                                                                                             this more evident than in his graphic depictions
                                                                                                             of the conflicts both with the enemy and within
                                                       2. Apocalypse Now Redux                               the platoon itself. We follow the unfortunate
                                                       (1979, Francis Ford Coppola)                          de-humanisation of Pvt. Chris Taylor (Charlie
                                                       You can pick your moment from this movie to           Sheen) and how it is less due to the enemy and
                                                       talk about, it is nothing short of astounding         more his fellow soldiers.
                                                       every step of the way. Adapted and twisted
                                                       from Joseph Conrad’s novella ‘hearts of               5. The Odd Angry Shot
                                                       darkness’, we are slowly driven mad as on our
                                                       own psyche journeys up the Danang river with          (1979, Tom Jeffery)
                                                       Capt. Willard (Martin Sheen) on his way to            This may seem like an odd choice, but I have a
                                                       execute the formidable Colonel Kurtz (Marlon          soft spot for Australian cinema. It’s low budget
                                                       Brando).                                              production aside, this film does hit home with
                                                                                                             some truths and insights on the Australian male
                                                                                                             psyche and depcits a very Australian attitude
                                                                                                             towards war.
                                                                                                                                     LOT’S WIFE
46/                                                                                                                                  STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Creative Writing                                                                                                                     ISSUE 02/2007




                                                      I Didn’t Do Anything…                               Review of The Female Eunuch by
                                                                                                          Germaine Greer by Lisa Ritchie
                                                      They turned their backs on the refugees,
                                                      I’m not a refugee, so I didn’t say anything.        First published in 1971, this radical and
                                                      They started a war in Iraq, based on lies and       controversial book begins with a stroll
                                                      deception.                                          though the female anatomy, outlining how
                                                      I don’t live in Iraq and I’m not a soldier, so I    the stereotypical ‘female form’ has both
                                                      didn’t do anything.                                 defined and limited women. Greer condemns a
                                                      They went after the working class with the          perceived disdain for women within the medical
                                                      new IR laws,                                        and psychological professions. The second half
                                                      They haven’t affected me yet, so I haven’t          of the book covers the topics of ‘Love’ and
                                                      really thought about it.                            ‘Hate.’ In the former, Greer blasts the ideal
                                                      The Federal Health Minister campaigned              of love and the ‘middle class myth of love
                                                      against abortions,                                  and marriage’, arguing that both have failed
  I wish I was a Young Liberal                        I’ve never had an unwanted pregnancy so I           women. In the section named ‘Hate,’ Greer’s
                                                      didn’t see it as a big problem.                     words seem to seethe with anger as she details
  I wish I was a Young Lib,                           They tried to smash student unions and              the many crimes committed against women at
  I think that would be cool                          introduced VSU,                                     the hands of men. It is a wonder that a female
  I’d look at pics of Johnny H.                       I started to get pissed off but didn’t speak        reader, who takes to heart Greer’s sentiments in
  And maybe have a (cold beer)                        out.                                                the chapter titled ‘Loathing and Disgust’, could
  pull yourself together,                             They allowed David Hicks to be persecuted,          ever be intimate with a male again.
  if you’ve ever voted Labor,                         I didn’t know him so I stayed quiet.
  come and join the Young Libs                        They came for me and there was no one left          In The Female Eunuch, Greer paints a bleak
  and start rattling your sabre.                      to help me fight.                                    picture of what life would be like if we
                                                      We have to fight and vote together.                  were born half a century earlier. Despite the
  I wish I was a Young Lib,                                                                               occasional bout of wordiness, which can make
  Not an EMO, nerd or jock                            (Written with inspiration from Pastor               the book stagnate at times, the passion and
  I have dreams of Phillip Ruddock                    Niemöller)                                          anger with which it was written compel the
  with his hand upon my (shoulder)                                                                        reader to trudge on. It is a confronting read,
  cock your guns and let’s take aim                                                                       forcing the reader to focus on things they’d
  at gays and refugees                                                                                    rather not acknowledge; double standards,
  let’s party on for VSU                                                                                  society’s use of derogatory language (such as
  and higher parking fees                                                                                 ‘slut’ or ‘scrubber’), and the still prevalent
                                                                                                          issue of domestic abuse, to name a few.
  I wish I was a young Lib,
  I’d play it hard, I’d play it tough.                                                                    Despite a publication date of over 30 years ago,
  I’d lend a hand to Abbott,                                                                              many points driven home in this book still ring
  ‘cause he doesn’t get enough.                                                                           true, highlighting the unfortunate fact that
  So lube me up and count me in,                                                                          the material is still relevant today. A necessary
  There’s blue blood in my veins.                                                                         read for anyone who wishes to increase their
  I’m not a Young Lib yet                                                                                 understanding of the mechanics of gender and
  but I’m a loser all the same.                                                                           history of women’s place within them.



Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
Patrick Süskind opens his alluring novel by           The novel is beautifully written and the literary
describing 18th Century Paris as a stinking, and      historic horror style is truly gripping and
reeking city. There, in a fish market, under a         haunting. Despite the chilling murders that take
table on the dirty pavement, Jean-Baptiste            place, the methodology used to capture odors
Grenouille is born. Süskind describes Grenouille      off the victims dead bodies leave you intrigued
as one of the most gifted personages of his           by the complexity of the art of perfumery. With
time, for Grenouille poses an exceptional sense       a completely unexpected ending, this novel
of smell. So great are his abilities that with very   is captivating from the beginning till the end.
little effort, Grenouille is able to reproduce        When you find your sense of smell suddenly
and create the sweetest, most sought after and        awakened during the reading of the novel, it
most popular perfumes of the time. His mind           will surely be a sign that sometimes the longest
holds with in it all the smells of the earth and      lasting and most powerful impressions about
all the combination of scents possible to make.       people and things are all contained in their
                                                      perfumes.
As great as his talent is, and as perfect as his
skills are for capturing and storing scents,          - Inna Tsyrlin
soon Grenouille comes to a very disturbing and
frightening realisation, that he himself has no
odor of his own. Obsessed with procuring a
smell for himself, Grenouille believes that is it
only by capturing the fragrances of beautiful
women that he can make a perfume for himself,
which will be a recreation of the very scent
of his first victim, making him and his life
complete.
47/
Creative Writing


      The ‘Boning’ of Australian Journalism
Courtney McLennan investigates the alarming trend of ousting
female journalists seemingly on the basis of age and gender




The skilled journalist reads the news bulletin        Rather, it is the age of those female                what the public really wants?
with the precision and composure of an                newsreaders who the television networks
expert, gazing levelly into the camera with the       present to the Australian public which is under      The networks would seemingly argue that the
rehearsed manner afforded by keen intellect           contestation. Former Ten newsreader, Jennifer        public ratings are what dictate the boning of
and vast experience. And yet, the future of the       Hansen agrees, informing ABC radio that              particular television personalities. Maguire’s
journalist is perilous. Despite experience and        ‘Women, …once they reach a certain age have          comments on boning Rowe emerged when her
diligence, the journalist lacks one crucial asset:    an expiry date.’ To Mark Ryan from the Media         popularity margins were very narrow, with
she is not male. In suit coat and professional        Entertainment and Arts Alliance, the reasoning       rival Seven’s Sunrise surging in the ratings, and
attire (save an incident of Naomi Robson’s khaki      of the sacking is clear, stating on ABC radio that   with Rowe named as television’s most hated
shirt and additional lizard), the corset is absent    the network, ‘sacked her, by not renewing her        celebrity. However, Maguire’s alleged malicious
from female television journalists’ wardrobes.        contract because she’s of a certain age, and         comments on potentially sacking Rowe were
However, are female journalists truly liberated?      of a certain family situation, [which] is just       met with public outrage, as many clamoured to
Are the constraining factors of age and gender        appalling.’                                          the television host’s defence.
the “corset” of contemporary Australian
journalism?                                           Unaffected by this expiry date male presenters,      It is unclear whether network executives have
                                                      such as Ten’s Mal Walden, are able to continue       misjudged the public’s sentiments, or Australian
While the gender imbalance in Australian              their career in front of the camera, seemingly       viewers have suddenly developed a moral
journalism, both in print and television              immune to the struggles of their female              conscience in regards to protecting our female
capacities, is not a recent occurrence, the           counterparts. Indeed, the controversy which          media personalities. But with Naomi Robson’s
departures of Tracy Spicer and Naomi Robson,          surrounded Nine Network director, Eddie              upcoming appearance on Dancing with the
Jana Wendt, and Jessica Rowe, highlight               Maguire’s alleged use of the word ‘boning’           Stars, Jana Wendt’s addition to the ABC news
an alarming shift in not only what has been           (sacking) in regards to Today show co-host,          team, and Tracey Spicer’s current reporting
described as discrimination based on gender,          Jessica Rowe, is yet another example of the          on Sky News, it appears that the careers of
but also seemingly ageist undertones.                 discourtesy displayed towards ‘mature’, female       these experienced journalists will continue
                                                      journalists. Whether or not Maguire intended         into the future. Just how long until they, and
The firing of Ten News reporter, Tracey Spicer,        to bone Rowe is irrelevant. The fact that such       other experienced female journalists, are
aged 39, is a particularly clear indication of this   a climate of hostility enveloped Maguire’s           considered in need of boning, seemingly due
startling trend. Allegedly informed by the Ten        comments, is indicative of society’s general         to age and gender, remains uncertain. And if
network via email that her contract would not         intolerance of the networks’ practices and views     the careers of some of our peak female media
be renewed, Spicer had not only just returned         in regards to its female reporters.                  personalities are uncertain, what will be next
to work from maternity leave, but had dutifully                                                            - the reintroduction of the corset?
served the network for 14 years. Clearly, the         A proportion of viewers would have been
method of effectively ‘sacking’ Spicer was            contented with Naomi Robson’s decision to
offensive and entirely impersonal after such an       resign from the anchor position at Today
extensive time with the network.                      Tonight. However, her replacement by youthful
                                                      Anna Coren, is ominously resonant of a stark
                                                      trend in network’s recruiting choices towards
However, claims have emerged that the Ten             younger, fresher faces for high profile and top
Network founded this supposed ‘restructuring,’        public exposure positions such as program
on the basis of age and gender. The Ten Network       hosts, television newsreaders and television
staunchly states that they ‘do not discriminate       personalities. Indeed, when in early January
on the basis of age, [or] gender,’ and in fact        2007, decidedly younger Leila McKinnon was
‘employs more female news presenters than             seated in the host seat of Nine’s A Current Affair
any other Australian commercial television            program, it appeared that another ‘boning’ of
network.’                                             Australian journalism had occurred. However,
                                                      Tracy Grimshaw’s return from a period of
However, the number of female journalists             vacation leave stemmed this tide of reshuffling
is not directly under dispute in this instance.       within television networks. Nonetheless, is this
                                                                                                                                   LOT’S WIFE
49/                                                                                                                                STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Creative Writing                                                                                                                   ISSUE 02/2007




  Our Crazy Families and
How They Shape Our Lives.
Families. Whether they’re weird, wacky or            driveway as he cycles on his merry way to work.     friends who are brave enough to venture to my
members of a secret cult, we tend to be more                                                             house, “drive, just drive. Wind up the window,
or less stuck with them. Psychologists attest        Despite this, my father is the eternal optimist.    they wont even notice.” And true to form they
that the bonds we form with our immediate            The highlights of our latest holiday included the   usually don’t.
family, especially our parents, stay with us         three of us living inside the nutshell of a boat
for the rest of our lives and even continue to       (that was illegally docked) for days while we       Come to think of it, I’ve been surrounded by
influence us as we become fully functional            worked like little minions to fix an unexpectedly    strange people my entire life, like my creepy
members of the adult world. This concerns me         busted boat motor. We were towed across the         neighbour who borrows our bike pump at 10pm
greatly. And if you met my family, you’d know        channel by kind strangers when the motor            and enjoys cracking whips in the middle of the
exactly why.                                         wouldn’t start, nearly run over by arrogant         street after sunset. Or, the strange man who
                                                     speed boats, bitten, bumped, bruised,               claimed he had a snake in his backpack and
While normal parents experiencing a middle           drenched, frozen, seasick and subjected to          befriended my family on holidays. But despite
aged crisis are buying Beamers and getting           winds over 100km an hour. Yet Dad kept his          this I feel like I’ve turned out kind of ok.
breast implants, my dad was deciding to invest       spirits up the entire two weeks. What I would
in a boat, a sail boat no less! This in itself is    consider a travesty of a holiday into the rim       Dad did threaten to use tear gas, that he bought
not a problem; it’s the obsession that bothers       of hell and back, he describes as having ‘just      off e-bay, on my boyfriend, and Mum sometimes
me. I’ve never met anyone so skilled at steering     enough disaster to keep it interesting’. What a     forgets how to spell my name (despite the fact
every conversation topic from the mundane to         guy!                                                that she chose it). But, at the end of the day
the obscene, back onto his ‘darling dinghy’.                                                             I know they have made me the tolerant albeit
                                                     Often when one partner in a relationship is         scarred individual I am today. Despite their
We used to have visitors, but after six months       rather zany, the other is often a calm balancing    eccentricities, I am grateful for that.
of Dad regaling them with tales of his glorious      influence. This is not the case with my mother.
expeditions over the seven seas (ie. a trip          While I acknowledge that everyone needs a
around the Gippsland coast line), they stopped       hobby, (especially once you get too old to          - C.J
calling in.                                          continue having sex) Mum takes her gardening
                                                     to the extreme. Come rain, hail or shine, (even
When my father first realised his dream with          day or night come to think of it) she’ll don her
the purchase of the 21 foot Harley Sailboat, he      Big W gardening gloves and venture out into the
was required to drive out to some inconvenient       wilderness that is my front yard.
obscure location to retrieve her from the water
and ‘bring her home’. While driving home             Unfortunately like all people who are
along the highway the boat started to fishtail        passionate about something inane, she tends
wildly (like in the movies). The car swung           to operate under the illusion that everyone
uncontrollably between the oncoming traffic on        else is as gung ho about plants as she is. I have
one side of the road and the grassy knoll verge      learnt through much trial and error that it is
on the other. Dad thought he could accelerate        best (and safest) to appear busy at all costs
the car and ‘his baby’ out of this mess. He          around this lady. A single moment of idleness
thought wrong.                                       results in an afternoon of hard labour lugging

The car and boat rolled several times; the
trailer came off the car; the boat came off
                                                     chopped wood from one end of the yard to the
                                                     other. Yesterday, one of my good friends also
                                                     discovered this when lingering a little too long
                                                                                                          Wholefoods
the trailer. Our one and only family car was a       in our doorway.                                                  Vegan*Vegetarian
write off and the newly purchased and as yet
uninsured boat was quite trashed. Funds were         If Stalin was both a woman and a garden
spent on the cleaning up of the on-site carnage      enthusiast he would have been an early 19th                                 Ce
                                                                                                          Up
                                                                                                                            s




                                                                                                                                      ntr
                                                                                                                          pu




and to towing of the trailer, the boat, the car      century version of my mother.
                                                                                                            sta                           e
                                                                                                                       m




and my dad back home. As it turns out these
                                                                                                                   irs
                                                                                                                     Ca




accidents tend to happen when you use a tiny         Despite my parent’s obvious eccentricities, the
matchbox car to tow a monstrous sail boat.           older I get the more I appreciate them. Yes,

Amazingly no one was injured and my dad
                                                     my friends do think it’s weird that when ever I
                                                     leave the house Mum and Dad insist on coming
                                                                                                           Student-run
became a local celebrity after appearing in the
Whitehorse Gazette for all the wrong reasons.
                                                     out into the driveway and waving me off with
                                                     cries of ‘bon voyage’ and ‘take a pineapple
                                                                                                                   Restaurant*Cafe
                                                     with you’. However, I wouldn’t have them any                  Grocery*Functions
I wish I could say this was my father’s first brush   other way. Sometimes in order to actually leave       www.msa.monash.edu.au/wholefoods/
with death. He is not adverse to being collected     my property it’s necessary to cut them off mid
by more than one Toyota Hilux backing out of a                                                             wholefoods.html
                                                     sentence. I can often be heard instructing the
49/
Creative Writing




      Choose
- Jason Leigh
                                       Frankie’s Adventure
                                                     before a reassuring hand lifted him to his feet,     watched. Mark the Engineering student had
                                                     and he was greeted by a friendly face beaming        recently regained consciousness and appeared
                                                     understanding.                                       at his right side with a beer in his hand,
                                                                                                          seemingly ready to pour it down the front of
                                                     “What the hell have I done!?” exclaimed              his fresh shirt. “Hey Frankie, time to christen
                                                     Frankie.                                             the threads...” Mark murmured, obviously
                                                     “It’s alright my friend,” answered the attractive    struggling to stand. One of the beautiful
                                                     twenty-something looking man, “…the man you          Commerce Society students emerged on his left,
                                                     just killed was a Young Liberal. People flip out      also wearing a purple shirt. “Hey bro, put the
                                                     and kill them all the time. No one even cares.       collar up and come sip premium beers with us”.
                                                     Hell, the police don’t even bother showing up to     “Or…” chirped up the bubbly girl that handed
                                                     these things anymore.”                               him the T Shirt, “…you could come with me and
                                                     “So what should I do now?” Frankie asked,            volunteer at Wholefoods, my shift is about to
                                                     unsure of whether he should at least apologise       start, I just hung out with the Commerce kids
                                                     to this young man’s friends. “Um…” replied           for a dare.”
                                                     the man. He shuffled his feet for a while,
                                                     clearly unsure of what to do, before screeching      Frankie was overcome with options for the
                                                     “high five!” and running away after the               second time that day. The idea of being a crazy
                                                     aforementioned high five was executed.                drunk Uni student really appealed to him, and
                                                                                                          the way Mark was fumbling with his beer it
                                                     After this extremely odd experience Frankie          seemed as if he was going to spill it all over his
                                                     decided to never mention it again, and to return     shirt whether he like it or not. But the offer
                                                     to the SAS tent to retrieve his pants. On his        of hanging out with the beautiful pretentious
                                                     way back to the tent he stopped in at the MSA        people was flattering, Frankie had never been
                                                     Activities marquee to buy a ticket to the Monash     part of an exclusive club before, apart from the
                                                     Ho Down, because it was plain to see that is         Philharmonic group at high school, and that was
Last episode of Choose Frankie’s Adventure,          was going to be a freaking sweet event. Upon         only because all the other students’ voices had
we followed Frankie on his first day at Monash.       his return to the SAS tent Frankie was met with      already broken.
Frankie, a young and naïve 1st year, struggled       disappointment, as Jessica had already left for      But maybe he should volunteer at Wholefoods?
to meet people and to wedge himself in a group       her Library tour, and Mark had passed out on the     Frankie had often pictured himself an activist,
of friends. He found himself at uni twenty-two       pathway outside the tent.                            and his personal hygiene was questionable at
minutes before beer was allowed to be served,                                                             the best of times.
and having to choose between three groups            With his two friends out of the picture, Frankie
of friends and one completely stupid option          had landed firmly in the middle of a crossroads.      What will Frankie do? YOU decide… will he
(d always is). You chose for Frankie to follow       For the first time in his university experience       a) Let Mark spill beer all over his fresh shirt and
the stupid option: d) take his pants off and         Frankie could be the master of his own destiny,      go get really trashed, ensuring his Uni career as
fight someone to the death, anyone, whoever’s         liberated from the past and free to choose           a drunkard…OR will he
closest.                                             which direction he wanted the next few years
                                                     to take. He savoured this moment of freedom,         b) Take up the Commerce kid’s offer and hang
So, right there in the middle of the SAS tent,       continuing his soul-searching as he meandered        out with beautiful pretentious wankers for
surrounded by strangers and friends alike,           through O Week stalls, soaking up the vibrant        the rest of the day, most likely climbing their
Frankie found himself overwhelmed and just           campus atmosphere.                                   hierarchy to nightclub door lists and good looks
completely flipped out. For reasons unknown           The Frankie that would graduate from Monash          OR
to anyone, even him, Frankie promptly ripped         University was still three years away, and could
off his pants and ran outside. With nowhere to       be any person he wanted. His dreams of the           c) Go with the bubbly girl and volunteer at
go, nothing to do and no pants, Frankie kept         future, however, were cut short by a polo shirt.     Wholefoods, becoming really pissed off at
flipping out until he finally grabbed the person       The shirt, which was thrust into his hands by a      Capitalism and anyone on campus with material
nearest to him and proceeded to fight him.            young lady wearing an identical one, was purple      desires OR
                                                     and had quite a stiff collar. As soon as Frankie’s
Frankie’s surprised opponent was quite a lean        bony little hands clutched the shirt he felt as      d) Go and join the Young Liberal club
and nerdy looking young fellow with rodent-          if something important had happened, and in a
like facial features, and it was clear that he       way, it had.                                         You can email your choice to choose_frankies_
was no stranger to a tussle. He dodged and                                                                adventure@hotmail.com
weaved Frankie’s clumsy blows, waiting for           “Hey have a free shirt from the Commerce
lulls in which he could sneak in for a bite and      Society!” commanded the bubbly young lady.
the odd hair pull. Frankie, in his completely        “Wow thanks,” replied Frankie, pretty happy
uncharacteristic and almost frustratingly            with himself. He wanted to put the shirt on
random wave of aggression, finally gained the         immediately, to show his gratitude, but became
upper hand after managing to shatter his foe’s       immediately unsure of how to wear it. All
spectacles and then Chinese burn him to death.       the beautiful students seemed to be wearing
                                                     their collars upright, while all the crazy drunk
As the bloodlust drained from Frankie’s vision, it   (Engineering) students seemed to have beer
became horribly clear that he had just killed a      stains down the front of their polos, with the
man with his bare hands. He began retching and       collars firmly planted down.
crying and also sneezing all at the same time,
pausing only to scream “Nooooooo” toward an
apathetic, cloud-free sky.                           As he tugged the shirt down over his chest
Frankie’s tantrum lasted for all of six seconds,     Frankie immediately felt as if he was being
   the Lot’s Wife family tree
                                     Julian Burnside QC
                                                                   Russell Skelton

                                                                                                 Michael Leunig




                                           Jon Faine                          Remy Davison

                                                                                                      Rachel Griffiths


                 Pete Steedman
                                                                          Darryl Dellora

                                                                                                        Anthony Lowenstein

                                                   Stephanie Bunbury

             Jeann
                  ie Rae
                                                                                     Damian Broderick

                                                                                                                             Emily Howie

                                                                   John Sinclair


                                     Simon Marginson
                                                                                                    Nick Economou


Kathy Bail




                                                                                           Ross Fitzgerald




                 Pete
                      r   Cost
                              ello




                             All of the above people, plus many more
             have contributed/edited/worked for/hung around Lot’s Wife over the years
51/
Sport




                                          The ‘Squirter’ McGee
                                          Diaries.
                                          Confessions of a country football legend...
Monday: So, my first day back in my home              though you can sorta tell I was blind too when I     below A grade this year. Unless I don’t pull
town. Straight back from playing footy in the        took it:                                             for like 3 weeks in a row or like unless I’m so
big leagues, you would have thought that there                                                            blind I’m delirious. I reckon I’ll have a crack
would be some kind of welcome party, maybe                                                                at Casey Evans soon. She’s got big cannons and
at least a bit of a shindig for the prodigal son,                                                         I’ve heard she’s easy for a hot bird. Plus when I
but instead all I got was an ‘oh, you’re back,                                                            came home a few months back I reckon she was
mate!’ and a ‘g’day, Bigknob’. I mean, I am                                                               flirting with me. I went around to her joint to
hung like the proverbial stallion, but it’s not as                                                        have a beer with her old man and here she was
if I go splashing the fact all over town. Except                                                          walkn around in this little skirt flicken her hair
sometimes when I’m pissed.                                                                                round and shit.

I caught up with the boys for training later                                                              Anyway her old man cooks a mean barbie. Top
in the evening. Coach was happy to see me.                                                                rissoles… I call ‘em arseholes to be funny. Took
Reckons I’ll carve em up this year. Thinks we                                                             a picture of ‘em on me camera phone they’re so
might win the flag, even. With me back there’s                                                             good.
a new confidence about the place, he reckons. I       I’m tellin ya, the bloke’s a stainer from way
was stoked.                                          back. Bloody got us locked up for the night too.
                                                     I hate the cops on Satdays.
Good to catch up with all the boys. What about
Chuckles MacPherson though, I mean how’s his         I remember when I got locked up that other
form… I’ve only been back one day and he says,       time. It was the weekend of the Valley grand
“good to see ya Squirter. Look bloke, I hope ya      final. I was off my tits and the cops chucked me
don’t mind, but I’ve been rootin ya sister while     in the back of the van. As they were putting me
yer away”. I punched him out, the low bastard.       in, I thought I’d put on a bit of a show for the
Can’t blame him, she loves it my sister. Looser      boys. Punched the air, did a victory dance, the
than the bloody hinges on a barn door.               whole bit. Then I looked like a bit of a goose cos
                                                     I whacked my head on the van door and knocked
It was good to see Chuckles anyway. I hadn’t         myself out. It was worth it, but. Then later on
seen him since we lost the premiership with          when I woke up at the cop shop, I found they’d
Yippoon under 12’s. We were down by one point        taken me bloody shoelaces out. I dunno why but
and he marked in the goalsquare with 5 seconds       they always do it. I didn’t even get a blanket
left. We were home for sure, but he choked,          that nite.. froze me pecker off. Lucky there         Anyway, her old man sure knows how to make
the jack fucker! I couldn’t believe it, I was        were no sheilas around! The worst bit was in         fine meat! Get it? Ha, wouldn’t mind getting a
shattered. So I punched him.                         the morning, the dickheads had lost me laces so      bit of pre season in with her if you know what I
                                                     I had to walk 3 k’s home with me shoes falling       mean....
Geez we got pissed after training! I must have       off. I reckon it was deliberate…
smashed about 18 cans, not to mention the                                                                 Not that I need to get any fitter, I’m pretty
longnecks. ‘King Browns’, I call em. Wazza was       I still can’t believe I didn’t get B&F that year.    ripped at the moment. Like me muscles have
in a bloody bad way too. I had to pull him out       I was only 15, but I reckon I would have got         really taken off recently and I’m not just sayen
of the gutter, where he was spewin and taking a      BOG in at least half the games. And half the         that. I’m pretty much of a tank. I’m thinken of
piss at the same time.                               time I was still so pissed from the night before     tryna get the boys to start callen me Thomas.
I got some evidence to show the boys on me           I could hardly see the ball until the 3rd quarter.   Hope it catches on. Reckon it probably will.
camera phone. Look, here’s the spew:                 At presentation when they called out Simmo’s
                                                     name, I couldn’t believe it! Shattered. Bloody       Oh yeah and Craigo got a new ute:
                                                     Simmo, of all people! I mean he’s a good bloke
                                                     and all, but the way he tries to take a grab,
                                                     you’d think it was made of friggen soap. And
                                                     what made it worse was the fact that I’d had a
                                                     crack at his little sister just a couple of weeks
                                                     earlier and she knocked me back. Plus he was
                                                     talken it up in the showers at training how he
                                                     gets 150 bucks a game. Geez he’s full of shit…

                                                     Oh, how’s some of the netballers form? They          We’re goen to do doughies out the road. So
                                                     told Johnno the other night at training that         catch ya later.
                                                     they don’t rate me and shit. Said I try n look
Yeah look and now here’s one of him. You can         up their skirts and that, which I do but yeah..      To Be Continued...
pretty much tell how blind he is and that. Even      and? I decided I’m not going any netballer
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