ife W lot s wife student paper the downfall of

ife W lot’s wife student paper the downfall of monyx unhappy hens scandal free young liberals coaster EEN GR UT YO DA Featuring St Patricks Day Saturday 17th March amm12 Ad rom 4:30p F O YOY9:00pm From n t DJ in betwee and residen $5.00 Cover Charge from 5:00pm MUSIC, FUN, FRIVOLITY AND GIVEAWAYS MONASH HOTEL ~ P:9544 8011 2077 DANDENONG RD CLAYTON Contents: 5 Editorials 6 Letters 8 National Affairs 9 Refoulement - Australian style 10 Free Young Liberals Coaster 12 Global Affairs 15 Global Policemen 16 Music 18 Songs that changed the world 20 Wom*n’s Page 21 Queer Page 22 Campus Life 23 Pete Steedman: ‘hoon,’ activist and former Lot’s Wife Editor 26 Where’s Johnny? 28 Happy Hens Scandal 29 Lifestyle 34 Arts & Theatre 35 Sideshow Alley 38 Science 41 Penis Enlargements 42 Cinema & Soap 43 Scopophilia 46 Creative Writing 47 The boning of Australian Journalism 50 The Lot’s Wife Family Tree 51 Sport Thanks Jason Leigh and Michael Keane for helping us with distribution, Newsprinters (especially the two Pauls), writers, sub editors, The Notting Hill, helpers, proof-readers, coffee makers, Kathryn McNally, Meg Byrne and Claire Wesson for proof-reading, Meg Byrne again for the chocolate and doing our dishes (we’re not always that gross), Gordo for thinking proof reading would help him climb the Lot’s Wife ladder, Mr. Conduit for the paper, our Respect Officer for keeping his clothes on, Twister (the board game not the club!), Krissy for being lovely, Lee Young Hoon, the hot guy in Dara’s class, Karen for being ever so cheery, Emily for drawing each Where’s Johnny character, flea bombs, Revellers Bar, jugs of beer and Damian Thomson for being a legend. No Thanks Teo for vandalising our Wikipedia page, the enviro kids for stealing our couch, people ranting about the O-Guide at us (the O Guide has nothing to do with Lot’s Wife), Chris Holmes, Tegan- (for so diligently reporting typos but not offering to do any proof reading), Precious Saxophonists, Berwick guy, The Wargamers Club, Haydn Steele, Lot (for what you did for your daughters), people who think Lot’s Wife is a propaganda machine for [insert club name/organisation here], Jess Berndt, Bojangles’ fleas, people who put two spaces between sentences, people who think we’ll print their 1000 word letters to the editor – talk about fancying themselves – write us a damn article, Samuel H.M.A.S Kastelan (The MSA’s answer to Andrew Bolt), Socialist Alternative for sticking posters on our drop boxes, Damian Thomson for getting too comfortable in the office and turning into a smart ass (Naomi abstained from the motion [note - did not oppose]), Catholics on campus for putting pamphlets in our drop boxes, Cassie the slapper, and yes, we are getting bitter. ‘Writers meetings Monday 1pm. Lot’s Wife Office, Level 1 Campus Centre’ Lot’s Wife Level 1 Building 10, Campus Centre Monash University Clayton 3800 Ph (03) 9905 8174 Fax (03) 9905 4185 lotswife@adm.monash.edu.au www.msa.monash.edu.au/lotswife/ Editors Naomi Snell and Dara Conduit lotswife@adm.monash.edu.au For the Lot’s Wife Podcast go to www.radiomonash.net Lot’s Wife acknowledges the Kulin Nations as the original and ongoing owners of the land upon which the paper is produced Editorial Policy: Lot’s Wife believes in giving all Monash students the opportunity to express themselves. Equally, we recognise the right of all students to read the paper without feeling threatened or offended by racist, sexist, militaristic, or homophobic material. The views reflected in this paper do not necessarily reflect the views of the editors or the MSA. Articles that are submitted are proof read and may be altered, chemically or otherwise. Editorials: For many, moving on from the spoon feeding and social confines of high school to a tertiary institution can be a liberating experience. My own journey at Monash Clayton itself has taken some liberating turns. On many occasions I have liberated myself from the stress of university with copious amounts of cold beer from the Notting Hill Hotel and back in first year, at Halls Of Residence, I managed to liberate my limbs from any sense of feeling through the use of illicit substances. In terms of liberation for others or the greater good, I gave the wom*n’s room a run to free myself from the patriarchy and plot revolution. I have even become a vegetarian and liberated some animals from being eaten by me for which they are undoubtedly grateful. And, for those in need of some kind of liberation, meals at Wholefoods are a great way of liberating at least one animal for the day, not to mention keeping scurvy at bay. I came up with some other ideas which may be liberating but I am yet to experience, (although I haven’t ruled them out) such as a same sex pick up at an MSA function or staging a naked protest for which my cause is as yet unclear. Most recently I sought liberation through a (post Notting Hill) scantily clad moonlight swim in the Vice Chancellor’s pool. Liberating maybe not… but the pool is heated and I enjoyed it all the same. Something which I have found liberating and quite empowering is the knowledge that I have gained through my education at Monash University. But far and away though, my greatest liberation on campus has come through writing and my freedom of expression, particularly through Lot’s Wife. After this year I will never again have the opportunity to tell five thousand Monash students that come the federal election they need to Fuck Off Howard! Naomi Snell To Kevin Andrews, MP Minister for Immigration, Last week my Dad asked me to write a letter supporting his girlfriend Tomoko’s citizenship application. This was fine. Tomoko, after all, is lovely, so I sat down to write a meaningful document to convince your fine self that she would indeed be an asset to this country. Upon reflection on her chances of being approved, and more importantly the reasons that she wanted to become a citizen (namely my dad’s questionable mateship), I came to realise that in fact I would gladly swap my citizenship with her. For the following reasons, I wish to apply to swap citizenship with her and take up her Japanese residency. (1) The fact that Australia still manages to masquerade as a tropical country. For too long has the rest of the world been convinced that Australia is the land of sunshine. If I travel overseas once more where people complain that I’m not tanned like an Australian, I will scream. I had a friend that was a Norwegian exchange student who came to Australia on the basis of all the sunshine. He got the impression that the beach was a 5 minute walk from Monash Berwick campus. Talk about false advertising. (2) The quality of people’s English in this country. If I hear one more foul mouthed, ute driving, pants falling down bogan pronounce AUST-RAL-IA as Aus-tray-ya I might murder someone. Learn to pronounce our country’s name. I feel pretty comfortable stating that the everyday Japanese person would have a better grasp on the English language than those fools. (3) The people at Future Music Festival. Fake tan and small dresses anyone? (4) Today Tonight: That television programs such as A Current Affair and Today Tonight parade under the banner of Current Affairs Programs. The fact that these programs rate so highly says something about the intelligence of our country as a whole, and certainly not a good thing. (5) Harajuku girls. They put our Supre divas to shame And don’t even get me started on your party’s human rights record. I hope you take my application into account. I am a mere Arts student with the earning capacity of a 10-year old child, and in comparison to Tomoko the merchant banker, would be nothing but a burden on Australia’s welfare system. Yours sincerely Dara Conduit Political Activism On The Rise Dear Lot’s, We thoroughly enjoyed reading the first edition for 2007 particularly the article by Jonathan Burke which took a look at Labor’s new ‘dream team’ as we approach the next Federal election. One interesting letter to the editor in the first edition was that by Emily Laidlaw who expressed her disappointment at the lack of political activism at Monash. She made the comparison between today’s relative apathy and the powerful Vietnam War protests led by the Monash ALP Club in the 1960s and 70s. There is no doubt that universities are less politically active today than they were in the 1960s and 70s. The actions of the conservative Federal Government have seen students’ time to participate in activities such as political activism severely diminished. This has come about because of increased work commitments for students, resulting from highly inflated university fees, living expenses and an increase in rent. Our local Federal member of Parliament for Chisholm, Anna Burke MP, spoke on such issues when she came to the Monash ALP Club stall during O-week and noted the increase in parking fees which have been caused by Howard’s Voluntary Student Unionism. This year the Monash ALP club will be supporting the campaign for a Federal Labor Government and we will focus on issues important to students such as Global Warming, Industrial Relations, the Iraq War and Justice. We encourage anyone keen to be politically active on campus and kick Howard out of office this year. In solidarity, Jake Clifton (President, Monash ALP Club) Sticking It To MSA Executive! Lot’s, I am currently employed by the Monash Student Association, at Wholefoods. I am also a student at Monash (currently studying full time). Wholefoods contracts are based on an old – no longer existing – hospitality award, which classifies us as seasonal staff, and gives us dubious protections. I choose to work at Wholefoods (taking meal tickets more often than paid hours) because I love Wholefoods, support student unionism, and think it’s a great place to work. The Wholefoods Collective doesn’t want to raise prices because it thinks Wholefoods should provide affordable food, and – with that aim in mind – should charge students only what is necessary in order to cover costs (as it says in the Wholefoods and MSA Constitutions, for that matter). I, personally, have already bought the Community Card, as a matter of principle. Now I’m wondering if it will buy me stress-leave, the years this whole debacle is taking off my life. I also wonder if the Community Card will buy ‘my’ union a sense of responsibility, a conscience, or a clue. -Anonymous Wholefoods Collective and staff member MSC Accountability And Wholefoods Inflation Dear Lot’s Wife, Wholefoods’* prices may soon be rising by 20%. Not because they have to because costs have risen by 20% and not because the Collective (the body of Wholefoods made up of students, staff and volunteers that has run Wholefoods since it’s inception) wants to raise the prices on already struggling students, the threatened price raise is because Monash Student Council (MSC) – or the majority on MSC – wills it so. They claim that 10% off (an actual discount!) all meals at Wholefoods for Community Card holders isn’t enough of an incentive (beyond the intrinsic political incentive of supporting our student association) to encourage Wholefoods customers to sign up to the Monash Community Card, so they are attempting to force Wholefoods to raise all prices by 20%, and then give a 20% ‘discount’ on everything for all Community Card holders. That is, a coffee that now costs $2.20 (the cheapest on campus) could soon cost you $2.75 (one of the most expensive coffees on campus)… or $2.20 if you have a Community Card. Wow, what a discount! In fact, if this happens, the MSA will give me a whole… zero cents off what I currently pay for coffee, tea, or cake. Oh, wait… That’s not a discount! In fact, since I do have a Community Card, and therefore currently get 10% off the base price of meals at Wholefoods, my meals will actually cost me 10% more under MSC scheme. Wholefoods can afford to give 10% discounts on meals, but cannot afford to lose customers. If you don’t like what MSC is trying to force Wholefoods to do (Wholefoods – the Collective, paid staff and volunteers – are resisting so far), please: Sign up to the Community Card Send an email to the President (Zoe.Edwards@adm.monash. edu.au) and Treasurer (Mathew. hilakari@adm.monash.edu.au) of the MSA and the Secretary (Samual.Kastelan@adm.monash. edu.au) and tell them what you – as one of their constituents – think of their scheme to force Wholefoods (whose slogan is ‘Food for People, Not Profit’) to raise prices by an extra 25% Come up to Wholefoods and ask one of our friendly staff and volunteers what you can do to help out. With hope for years of cheap food, and participatory student services to come, Kellan Wakeman (7th Year Arts(Hons)/Law / GradDipEd … and 5th Year Wholefoods) Affirmative Action Necessary Dear Lot’s Wife, (Re. ‘Emily’s List’ article published in Edition 1 of Lot’s Wife) I was shocked to see a woman writing about the challenges facing women in politics and then dismissing quotas in the same article. I would not expect such sexist dribble from anyone capable of being accepted into university. There are some legitimate arguments against Affirmative Action, however Johanna Morris made none of them. Her argument is that quotas are ameritous and promote untalented people, people chosen on gender not skill. Her first flawed assumption is that 50% of the population are not meritous. Johanna, even if you don’t have faith in your own skills, the rest of us are actually quite capable! The second flaw in her article is that it failed to recognise the barriers women face in engaging in politics and business. In the past and present people are promoted because of gender. Men are consistently assumed more capable, responsible, talented, more ‘reliable’, less ‘emotional’ and better ‘suited’ to politics and the board room. Affirmative Action is a way to counter this culture, and promote talented women to positions of power so they may begin to change this culture. With women earning only 66% of the average wage to men and consistently unrepresented in our parliament a solution is needed! Zoe Arts 3rd year Letters to the Editor: So Many Reasons To Be Proud Dear Lot’s Wife, This letter is directed to Naomi. I would like to clarify my original response to ‘Tits out for the Boys.’ At no point did I say that sexism should not be prevented, but it must be remembered that what is regarded as sexist depends entirely on the individual/group it is directed at. Your article did not tackle sexism on campus; it directly and incorrectly targeted Halls. Halls is not the central hub for sexism on campus, it is merely an extension of the activities partaken in and around the main campus. Although you had a negative experience of Halls, you are one of very few. The Howitt Hall 40th reunion last year had a great turn out from across the 40 years. Negative comments were directly related to room sizes and same-sex floors. No matter where you go in your life, or what you do, someone will always be offended by the comments and activities of others. Although that person has a right to speak up about this, they have no right to wrongly target a small populace of people who are merely imitating the activities of a larger group. Although Halls may be part of the problem, it is not the cause of the problem, which I am sure you’re well aware of. Next time an article on sexism is published, make sure it looks at the whole picture and includes all aspects of campus life, not just Halls. On a brighter note, it’s nice to see you finally got laid; you must be so much more pleasant to deal with these days. Proud ex-Howitt Resident Sorebottom’s Dillemma Dear Lots, Can you please make your paper more absorbent. I am finding that it takes me at least 3 pages to clean my behind. Can you consider making your paper softer and of double ply thickness? It will increase the demand. Regards, Joey Sorebottom, 3rd Yr Proctologist Prejudice In The Monash Diaries Dear Lot’s, Like many others I lined up amongst the teeming hordes of first years to collect my student diary for 2007. As I was casually flicking through the publication I could not help but notice the inclusion of environmentalist propaganda – encouraging people to invest in Hessian shopping bags as opposed to reusable plastic ones (despite there being more greenhouse gas expended and plants destroyed in the production of Hessian Vs. LDPE). Even the Vice-Chancellor was afforded the opportunity to rant a bit about something that was improbably relevant and almost certainly wouldn’t justify the hike in parking permit costs (I’d know this for certain had I actually read it). Imagine my surprise when I stumble across the ‘doodle space’ provided in the back of the organizer and not one bit of ‘vagina space’. What kind of women’s, womyn’s or wom*n’s collective could allow such an insult to pass unchallenged? However shouldn’t one of the vegetarians have noticed that their oppressed sisters did not have their equally impressive genitalia afforded the space that they so rightfully deserve. I was so enraged I had to shred, roll and smoke three Hessian shopping bags to calm myself down. In solidarity, Frenzied Lord Champ (ARTS IV) Where’s Georges Beef? As I opened edition 1 of Lots Wife 2007 ,I was looking forward to another year of hate-filled bigotry from the master of prose known only as “George”. For most readers his satirical reflections on the state of modern society were a meta-narrative for the modern university student. He cast much deserved criticism on whatever got his goat, while at the same being the embodiment of all that is hateful and deserves criticism. By doing this he made us realise just how petty, stupid, and amusing our own prejudices are. Of course there also are those ignorant fools who blindly followed his preaching, showering hate on whatever George declared as “whipping boy of the month”. These imbecilic sheep should probably be shot in the kneecap, then forced to watch loops of John Cleese’s “How to Irritate People” until all they want to do is claw out their bloodshot eyes and pierce their eardrums with knitting needles. They totally missed the point of the whole thing. Finally, there are those who loved to hate George. His edgy topics pushed the boundaries of the acceptable, and consistently threw the question “Why is this unacceptable?” back in the face of the political correctness-loving prudes that infect the student body. Occasionally he got a good answer (for example see p.3, The Grey Edition, Lots Wife 2006); most of the time all he received a incoherent blast of hate from those who didn’t like what he was saying and were not articulate enough to express why. Whatever group you fall into, I feel that “George’s Beef” was a integral part of anyone’s Lot’s wife experience, and the paper is a darker, more shadowy place without it. Bring back the Beef! (Or bacon) Chris Holmes Law VI A Red Flag For Lot’s Wife Pinkos! Dear Lot’s, I would like to complain about the radical left-wing bias of this paper. From the rabidly anti-Howard, anti-law student, anti-Zionist, anti-Capitalist, in fact, anti-everything stance this paper takes on every single issue, I can only assume that you are either stooges for the Chinese Communist Party or that Kerry O’Brien writes all your articles. You are so far past ‘leaning’ to the left, you’ve bloody well fallen on top of it and started humping it to death. Whether it be land rights for gay cub seals, tree-planting in the basement of the law building or advocating an affirmative action plan to have a minimum 50% representation of women in the Engineering faculty by 2008, this paper seldom hesitates to take up some hitherto insignificant and irrelevant issue and beat us all around the head with it until we end up looking like Phillip Ruddock. The great thing about VSU is that students like myself no longer have to prop up your pinko propaganda and can donate our money to more worthy causes. God knows, the Exclusive Brethren need it. Jeremiah, Science (Christian church of) III 8/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 National Affairs The State of the Nation the benefit of hindsight Australia recently hosted United States VicePresident Dick Cheney on a three-day stopover in Sydney. In the only press conference he gave during his visit, Cheney said that the US-Australian alliance was “rock solid”, and that it would not be altered if the Australian Government chose to withdraw its forces from Iraq. The latter response is particularly important for federal Labor. The day before, Cheney met Kevin Rudd in Sydney, where the opposition leader spelled out Labor’s position on Iraq: that Australia should withdraw its forces in consultation with the other coalition partners. That makes Cheney’s remarks regarding the state of the alliance, and its prospects of the ALP’s position on Iraq a big plus for Rudd, who has insisted for months that Labor would maintain a strong US alliance, despite disagreement over Iraq. In other good news for the federal opposition, recent polls indicate that Kevin Rudd is more preferred as Prime Minister than John Howard, and that Labor is ahead on seven out of ten issues most important to Australians. These results should be viewed with caution, and by no means indicate that Labor is on the road to victory, but it is good news for Rudd. In other news, the high-profile and highly talented former ABC presenter and Bulletin journalist Maxine McKew has announced that she will stand for Labor pre-selection in John Howard’s electorate. Bennelong, the electorate has become marginal after demographic changes and electoral re-distribution, with the PM holding the seat by a slim 4%. The reason behind McKew’s entry into the contest is twofold, firstly to see whether she can actually take the seat from Howard, secondly, to distract the PM on the wider political scene and limit his campaigning in other marginal seats the government has to hold to secure victory. Labor needs a national swing of 4% for them to gain a majority in the House of Representatives. Even if she loses, McKew appears to have found her calling in life after the ABC; she is a welcome injection of intelligence and media savvy into the federal ALP. The Prime Minister can declare a victory of sorts, in that all states except Victoria have agreed to sign up to his $10 Billion take-over of the Murray-Darling River system. Victorian Premier Steve Bracks said he would not sign the deal until Victoria received a larger share of the $10 Billion over 10 years. He said it was not a fair deal where those states, such as Queensland and NSW with comparatively poor water infrastructure were rewarded for their neglect, compared with Victoria which had invested heavily in its Murray-Darling infrastructure, and under the current proposal, would have less money spent each year than is currently the case. staying home tonight? and the prize goes to... • PAUL KEATING this week said that Peter Costello is “all tip and no iceberg,” and that John Howard is a “desiccated old coconut ... araldited to the seat.” • TODAY TONIGHT - Who lead with a story about an eighty-four year old woman chained to a cupboard in a nursing home. In fact, the chains were there to represent how she felt, but after a lack of communication in the TT newsroom, they went to air telling viewers about how the poor woman was chained to her cupboard. After horrified Government officials visited the nursing home in reaction to the story, it was established that, in fact the chains were a stunt. The following day, host Anna Coren was forced to retract the statement, saying “we reported that Shirley was living chained to her room. In fact this is not the case. Today Tonight reporter Nicholas Boot took a chain with him at Shirley’s request to be filmed in her room.” Nice one! •TONY ABBOTT - who went on Triple J’s HACK program on February 16th to discuss safe sex. When the host, Kate O’Toole pushed him on whether all he condoned was abstinence, he replied with a sleazy laugh and stated that, for a married man, he knew far too much about abstinence. I don’t know that he even deserves the dog house for that one The federal government’s new Environment Minister, Malcolm Turnbull has been forced to defend his use of his parliamentary travel allowance to pay $175 per night for his use of a Canberra townhouse owned by his wife. Mr Turnbull, whose personal wealth is estimated to be around $125 million has had his actions defended by both the Prime Minister and Opposition Leader, whose own private wealth also run into the millions of dollars. twit of the edition* “as a result of his business and property ventures, Mr. Mokbel is making a significant contribution to the community and employing a substantial number of people” -Kelvin Thomson fantastic mr. burke Brian Burke has become the talk of the town this month, ruining careers like they’re going out of fashion. Despite Howard and Costello going open slather on Rudd for his meetings with Burke (Rudd probably could have handled the situation better), it seems the scandal now might have come back to bite Howard on the arse. Howard was forced to sack Minister Ian Campbell when it was revealed that he had met with Brian Burke. It’s unfortunate for Campbell that he was used to make a political statement. However, no Sooner had Howard appointed Senator David Johnston as Justice Minister did it emerge that he had shares in Murchinson Metals and Croesus Mining - both companies that employed Burke as a lobbyist and are now being investigated by the WA Crime and Corruption Commission. Oh dear. the runner-up “a vote for Rudd is a vote against sleep” - Andrew Bolt *The word twit has been used to substitute a far-more defamatory, and in our minds appropriate word in fear of being sued for defamation At the date of printing, David Hicks had been incarcerated for days in Guantanamo Bay 1930 9/ National Affairs REFOULEMENT australian style allen james For many years, Australia welcomed refugees to its shores. Although Australia signed the 1951 Refugee Convention in 1954 and the 1967 Optional Protocol in 1973, its geographical isolation meant there was little pressure for a domestic refugee policy separate from general immigration laws. The arrival of the first Vietnamese and Cambodian boat people in the late 1970’s forced a review. Refugees became scrutinised to levels not previously imposed by Australia. The rapid increase in onshore arrivals in the 1990’s led to the implementation of a comprehensive refugee determination system within the immigration portfolio. This included initial assessment by immigration officials, access to a merits review by the Refugee Review Tribunal (RRT), and Federal Court access. The onshore arrivals programs have been under heated public debate and continual review to this day. The International Convention on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR) and the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CROC) entered Australian law merely as attachments to the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission (HREOC) Act. The Convention against Torture (CAT) came into force in Australia in 1989, but there was no CAT specific legislation. A core principle of the convention is ‘nonrefoulement,’ whereby a State should not deport an asylum seeker to a place where there is a risk that the person’s life or freedom would be threatened. The Migration Act however, uses the words ‘may be given a protection visa’, leaving some uncertainty as to the nonderogative nature of the non-refoulement principle. Thus, the non-refoulement obligations in the Migration Act pertain only to the obligation under the Refugee Convention. Ministerial guidelines created by the Department for guiding this discretion detail ‘public interest’ criteria such as ‘unique and special circumstances’ that would lead to consideration of the international Conventions ICCPR, CAT and CROC. The current Government views that their obligations to non-refoulement only require it to refrain in the circumstances specified in treaties, and that it is unnecessary to provide regulations for its own behavior. The converse argument put by the Law Council of Australia is that ‘there is no mechanism that is subject to rule of law, which provides a safeguard against people being returned to countries in circumstances which are contrary to Australia’s obligations under treaties other than the Refugee Convention.’ Recommendation 2.2 of the Senate Committee report proposed that the non-refoulement obligations of CAT and ICCPR be incorporated explicitly into domestic law. This has not happened. The problem with Australia’s approach is that Immigration officials and the RRT can only consider the Refugee Convention when dealing with cases. They are unable to consider the merits of individual cases from ICCPR, CAT or CROC perspectives. Only the Minister can do that if a case is brought to their attention, and then only if the discretion is used. This leaves a major risk that a refugee may not be properly processed, which can lead directly to both injustice and violation of convention obligations. Finally, the Ministers decision is not reviewable in court, except on natural justice grounds, which does not include matters of substance unless, in an unlikely event, the Minister can be shown to have made the decision without reasoning. The practical consequences of narrow interpretation of convention grounds are demonstrated in a number of cases. The Refugee Convention failed to protect Sadiq Shek Elmi from a deportation order, even though Australian officials agreed it was likely he would be subjected to torture, imprisonment and perhaps death on his return to Somalia. Australian officials explained in their rebuttal to the United Nations Committee Against Torture that one reason he didn’t qualify under CAT was because Article 1 requires that torture be ‘committed by, or at the instigation of, or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or any other person acting in an official capacity’. Sadiq Shek Elmi alleged that armed Somali clans will torture him. These clans are not ‘public officials’ and do not act in an official capacity. Ironically, the fact that there has been no standing government in Somalia to control those clans for many years is lost on the Australian officials and beside the point. The Australian Government did not care that Sadiq Shek Elmi would most likely be tortured upon return to Somalia. It was content to argue on a technicality which, although legally correct it is deplorable in terms of basic human rights and values. In another case, a pregnant mother in late term and her 3-year old child were deported to China where she was forced to have an abortion, only 10 days before the baby was due. The Minister was not involved in this decision, but it was the Department policy focused only on the Refugee Convention that rejected her as a refugee and enabled this to occur. The brutal logic in Australia’s approach is that the Government’s greatest concern may well be the sovereign question. In addition to Australia’s possible exposure to open-ended non-refoulement in situations where the nation or community may be at risk. The government is clearly very reluctant to sign away these discretions into law. Australia’s response to immigration and refugees has changed remarkably. It started with an open welcome, assisted passage, free hostel accommodation and integration services in the 1950s and 60s, and then began a steady decline. Today for onshore arrivals, it is detention first, then scrutiny and the deportation of rejected cases. On the other hand, if you are lucky enough to be admitted, you will get a free bus ticket at the prison gate, $200 in your pocket and a ‘good luck mate.’ What happened to Australia? comeback trail pauline hanson on the damian thomson one of the highest rating shows on Australian TV, the last thing this country needs is someone with little formal education to be a parliamentary poster-girl for the present culture of fear that exists in Australian society. One need only look at the rise of blogging to understand the dangers of uninformed opinion. Sure, everybody is entitled to their own opinion on any topic. We do live, after all, in ‘A free country’. However, these avenues of expression which allow the average punter on the street to propagate uninformed opinion clearly show how far people are willing to push the boundaries of free speech as it is. Of course, there is nothing wrong with free speech as an ideal. The problem comes when an uninformed opinion is offered up as gospel truth and accepted by those who do not have the education to know any better. This is precisely the kind of problem that arose the last time we encountered Pauline Hanson in public life (let’s just pretend that Dancing with the Stars never happened). This time however, there is even greater potential for a harmful result. A decade ago, overt racism was much more politically incorrect than it now is; the intervening years have brought us Howard’s ‘khaki’ election victory and heightened fears of migration, not to mention the current conservative rubber-stamp Senate. All of this has led to a greater social acceptance of much of Hanson’s original rhetoric, albeit packaged so as to allow people to distance themselves from the media-driven concept of ‘extremism’ with which Hanson was associated. Second time around, the stakes are potentially higher. With Labor doing well in opinion polls, there is always the possibility that the balance of power in the Senate could fall to an independent such as Hanson. For either a Labor or Liberal government, this could involve significant concessions on social issues. And although, in reality, neither party is that far removed from her in ideological terms, given the media beat-up that would inevitably surround such a situation, the damage caused may be far greater. And with potentially eight or so months to work out dodgy preference deals before the election, Pauline ‘we are in danger of being swamped by Asians’ Hanson could yet play a significant role in our politics once again. Yes, yes, you’ve heard it all before - another dose of Hanson-bashing. However, it seems that while the arguments for and against Pauline Hanson have been done to death, there is something slightly more sinister than usual about her latest announcement. Hanson has now informed us that she will be standing as an independent candidate for a Queensland senate seat. The problem is not necessarily so much about Hanson herself – her own views are not always as extreme as the media would have us believe – but more to do with what she is seen to represent. In the wake of the Cronulla riots, and with Border Security drought? what drought? inna tsyrlin Drip, drip, drip. It’s late at night and I can hear the tap dripping, because once again someone in my household - I won’t mention any names, has forgotten to turn the tap all the way off. Yes, we are in a drought, no, we can’t take 20 minute showers any more, and yet there is no short-term solution for the fact that we are in the middle of one of the worst droughts in history. At the time of writing this article, Melbourne water storages are under 35% full. Unless we receive massive rainfall or our creeks are mysteriously filled up by an imaginary hose, fresh water is running out. The drought is now in its 10th year and the warning signs have been very clear to government bodies to start preparing for how low our reservoirs may get. For those who may have been in denial about how much water was left, Melbourne is in stage 3 water restriction mode, while parts of Victoria are in stage 4. Stage 3 water restrictions mean no watering of lawns, no filling up new spas and pools, and sprinkler systems can only be used at certain times. We can no longer use hand held hoses to wash vehicles, and can only use trigger nozzles for garden hoses. People are encouraged to report breaches of the restrictions by other households (perfect opportunity to get those annoying neighbours issued with a fine). However, if you consider how low our water levels really are, stage 3 restrictions appear to be child’s play to the restrictions that we should actually be taking to preserve our supplies. The first thing that comes to mind to the nonwater saving expert, would be to use less water. Installing high pressure shower heads, allowing the water from your washing machine to run into the garden, re-using the water from you bath tub. Although our government is keen on promoting water saving techniques, they aren’t so keen on recycling water. Add this to our rapid population growth. Further solutions have included connecting regional water supply systems to high value usage areas like Melbourne, Geelong and Ballarat. Government plans to connect Ballarat to the Cairn Curran Reservoir on the Loddon system could reduce losses in the Loddon and Goulburn irrigation systems, but realistically this is just a quick-fix solution, and a very expensive one at that. There are even plans to buy water from farmers wanting to sell entitlements, but this too is a short-term solution. Water restrictions are not temporary, as Victorians will soon realise, and although the government can not control weather patterns, it can encourage water recycling. Many other countries use recycled water and Victorians, with our no-end-in sight 10-year-drought, need to push for the development and building of water recycling plants. Even if the water that will be pumped to households is recycled, it can still be used as drinking water: it may need to be filtered, but it won’t come out black. Our water, our future. The ads might seem like environmental propaganda, but they carry a very real and important message: What do we need to do today if we want to be able to put our taps on and see something, even slightly resembling water, drip out. Lot’s Wife Edition 2 brings you a very special piece of Young Liberal propaganda. Cut it out and use it next time you have a drink. Guaranteed to make you even less appealing to the opposite sex 11/ National Affairs Mori enraged at breakfast james massola David Hicks has been charged with Material Support for Terrorism. Judge Susan Crawford, from the convening authority that refers cases to the Special Military Commission, has dismissed his charge of Attempted Murder. I recently attended a breakfast held by the Victorian Law Foundation where Major Michael Mori was the guest of honour. Mori was scathing about the extraordinary steps taken to keep Hicks behind bars. He singled out John Howard and Philip Ruddock as particularly complicit in allowing Hicks to be kept for so long without charges being laid. Mori said, “Everyone knows that the old system was found to be illegal by the US Supreme Court in the Hamdi case…(Australia) is the only country in the world that has advocated putting its citizens through the military commission… The British Attorney-General made it pretty loud and clear when he announced to the world that the commission system did not meet international standards, yet Australian continues to support it.” According to Mori, the reason why David Hicks will be ‘first cab off the rank’ for trial under the new Military Commission is not because John Howard has pushed Dick Cheney and George Bush so hard – if it could ever be ‘expeditious’ after 5 years of waiting. Rather, it is because the ‘real’ terrorists, such Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the so-called architect of 9/11, are also in Guantanamo Bay awaiting trial. The logic behind this is that if a relative nobody such as Hicks is tried, and the new system collapses as it is found to be legally invalid (as the old Military Commission was), then nothing major will have been lost. Generally speaking, a person cannot be tried for the same crime twice, so Hicks would go before another court (probably the US Supreme Court), and face a lesser charge, and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would still have to face the more serious charges that are being lined up for him. Mori argued that the circumstances surrounding the establishment of the new Military Commission were murky, saying; “Following the findings in Hamdi, the response in the US was to create the Military Commissions Act of 2006. Congress passed it in September [2006]. What was really odd was watching it on C-SPAN…here was Congress debating a law that had nothing to do with the trials in America. It was so surreal….they made it clear this would not be used on Americans. It was to be used on the ‘secret’ 14 detainees that were taken out of the CIA black sites and put in Guantanamo (Khalid Sheikh Mohammed among them) …they had to import terror to Guantanamo to justify this new law. The President signed it into law in October, and again, this new act, very much like the old system, gave the power to the Secretary of Defence to write the rules and regulations. ..It also stripped Habeas jurisdiction. What they were trying to do was remove another Hamdi type case. ” The practice of ‘importing’ terrorists is morally dubious. According to Mori, the importing of terrorists from the so-called black-sites was motivated by a quest for legitimacy. The logic being that if ‘real’ terrorists are in Guantanamo, if the powers-that-be can point to Mohammed, for example, and say ‘there sits a definite terrorist’ then, almost via osmosis, guilt-by-association will occur, and increase the ‘guilt’ of other inmates of Guantanamo. Mori also questioned the terms of the Military Commission Act, and the underlying legal assumptions. He highlighted a number of irregularities surrounding the Commission, saying, “I really liked this part…the Military Commission Act declared that it complied with the Geneva Convention, and then they are so sure (of themselves) that (they) put this section in ‘No alien or unlawful enemy combatant subject to trial by this military commission in this chapter, may invoke the Geneva convention.’ Really, the Military Commission Act was not written to comply with the US Supreme Court Decision… what it did was try to create a system by which they undermined the Supreme Court’s Decision, so that we [could no longer say that]… they have to comply with the Geneva Convention. They declare it, so we are not allowed to cite it.” The exclusion of recourse to the Geneva Convention is a very serious matter. The Geneva Convention has been implemented in a number of stages, dating back to 1859. The third convention, relating to the treatment of Prisoners of War particularly relates to the Hicks case. In total, 194 countries are signatories to the Geneva Convention. “One of the rules under the Military Commission Act is that it denies the Defence Counsel access to some evidence, and allows prosecutors to basically smuggle in evidence that they have obtained under coercion. Prosecutors now have the power to not reveal sources, methods and activities by which evidence was obtained... they don’t have to tell us how they obtained evidence,” Mori said. David Hicks is to be tried as an ‘Unlawful Combatant’ – a term that first entered into the American Department of Defence dictionary in 2004. At present, Hicks is facing charges retrospectively applied, and captive to a system that is seemingly being made up as it goes along. David Hicks is still truly trapped in a labyrinthine legal system. As Mori said, “Not much has changed [from the old Military Commission system to the New]... All these people, the Convening Authority, the Legal Adviser, [they] are picked by the Secretary of Defence. The same people writing the rules of this [new] system are picking all the participants. There is absolutely no independence; it all goes back to the Secretary of Defence…The judiciary will be created by an act of the prosecuting authority. That just can’t be acceptable. That does not even give the appearance of fairness.” ‘Looks like Gomer Pyle, pleads like Atticus Finch’ was the gist of Mori’s concluding speech. Just like Atticus Finch, Mori has put a number of ‘important people’ offside with his forthright criticism of the military for whom he works. Even with the threat of personal sanction hanging over him, Mori pushes on. If David Hicks is to have any chance of getting a fair trial, it will be because of the efforts of this man, and his small but growing band of allies. He will need all the powers of Atticus Finch and then some to secure the release of hicks, as some seem to have forgotten that it is a sin to kill a mockingbird. 12/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Global Affairs and the Dirty politics the street geoff berry people on ‘Despite Bainimarama’s claimed motivation of wanting to ‘clean up’ Fiji,’ writes Hyland, ‘Australian officials are convinced he grabbed power to head off a police investigation into his role in events surrounding an army mutiny in November 2000.’ Pretty handy way to halt a police investigation into possible murder charges, especially when the government being ousted has inspired widespread dissatisfaction. Australian and New Zealand sanctions have targeted leaders and their collaborators rather than the ordinary people who, of course always suffer most from such upheavals, but this doesn’t quite equate to bums on seats in the resorts, and understandably so. Not only do the paranoid conservative consumers stop going in droves – ‘who knows, darling, those nasty army blighters might bomb the Hilton just as we’re finishing the hors d’oeuvres,’ but those of us who have no great love for violent arrogance will consider travelling elsewhere for our summer holidays also. This issue troubled me after the coup was announced (I’d purchased my flight tickets before the troubles began). Should I still travel to a country run by thugs, where a democratically elected government had been shoved aside by the military? My political conscience pricked. But, out on the islands, I was glad I’d continued on with my travel plans – and so were the locals. With numbers down, many villagers were struggling to stay in work, and the tourist dollar outside of the major resorts goes directly to them in much greater proportions than in many other popular destinations. However, this doesn’t make the current political situation in Fiji any less odious. Critics of the junta are being violently repressed (Hyland highlights the beatings meted out to outspoken businesswoman Laisa Digitaki) and dissent is targeted by those in power. The question for ordinary Fijians (of any cultural background), is whether or not the General will see sense and set dates for democratically held elections and a return to the rule of law, and if so how long this will take. The longer everyone is forced to wait for peace to return to Fiji, the worse the situation on the ground becomes. The coup may have removed a corrupt government, but it has done so at the cost of stability, freedom, and economic welfare for the people. This is liberation in no-one’s language: for Bainimarama it is power and an escape from police attention, for the wider world it is yet another destabilised country unable to adapt to the challenges of democracy in a capitalist economic framework, and for the people it further distances both peace and prosperity. While true freedom may only really be encapsulated in an attitude, it will never be secured in an atmosphere of military force. I returned from the newest military dictatorship on the block just in time to pen this article before deadline. I’ve never toured Fiji before, and looked forward to my time lazing away on tropical beaches (cocktail in hand, of course), snorkelling across achingly beautiful reefs just a few steps from the white sandy beaches, and generally enjoying the relaxed lifestyle on ‘Fiji time’. And yup, even in the wake of General Bainimarama’s bloodless, but still nasty little coup, islanders enjoy taking their sweet time over every small detail of life. Relaxing, it seems, is what Fijians do best. We’re a long way from Suva, the capital and site of any likely breakout of military force. Out here in the islands, there’s only one sign of trouble, and it’s the only one the locals don’t want to see. As in Bali, it’s the drop in tourist trade that really hurts the people who rely on it for their livelihoods. That doesn’t mean that anyone here is going to starve just because the hotels are nearly empty - there’s always cassava in the ground, fruit on the trees, and fish in the sea. It’s the drive toward a better life - basics such as Western education and medicine as well as relative luxuries such as TV and reef sandals, that stands to lose out. Tourists are welcome in Fiji, and the people are friendly and helpful, with few of the dramas (such as incessant hawking) often encountered on Asian holidays. As such, it’s pretty easy to find out what the remote island people think of Fiji’s latest coup - it sucks only because it stops foreigners from going there in the same weight of numbers as would usually be expected. On the other hand, many people will openly admit that the coup might not be such a bad thing in political terms, because the previous government was so disastrously corrupt. The same ills that seem to beleaguer so many fledgling democracies, such as unrelenting cronyism, were seen as a cancer that may be cut out by direct intervention in a way that just seems to take too long in the conventional manner. I even spoke with educated tourists who questioned why a military takeover should necessarily be considered wrong. My opinion is that it cannot be otherwise, as without rule of law, we are too soon at the mercy of force of arms (unless the human race has overnight become a whole lot more trustworthy than I recall from history lessons and current affairs programs). It was with this unease in mind that I read Tom Hyland’s report in the Sunday Age on the flight home (February 4th), which reveals the sordid details behind the General’s personal situation leading up to his military action. 13/ Global Affairs Lot’s Watch: The race for the White House Sean Gleeson takes a look at Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Nomination battle The next US presidential elections are just over a year and a half away, and barring the imposition of martial law, the Democratic Party look set to regain executive office purely by virtue of the public backlash from the Iraq War. While much of the world waits to give a collective sigh of relief at the coming end of the Bush Administration, it is worth examining the current front-runner for the Democratic nomination and considering her chances. Of all the announced candidates, Hillary Clinton appears at first glance to be in the best position to secure her party’s nomination. With financial backing that far surpasses the funds of her main rivals, and being associated with a presidency much more competent than the present one, Clinton’s camp would seem to have an advantage over the other relatively unknown or inexperienced contenders in next year’s Democratic primaries. However, Clinton is far from guaranteed to win her party’s support. When discussing the current Democratic candidates for the election, Rupert Murdoch recently said of Hillary Clinton: “she’s the best of the lot, but she’s unelectable”. Murdoch’s own Fox News channel has been notorious for disparaging Clinton since she first ran for a New York senate seat in 2000. Clinton faces an uphill battle. By making New York her home state, Clinton faces the usual pitfalls of being labeled an “east-coast liberal”. This stereotype has a pejorative association in American political culture, that suggests an air of elitism and condescension towards the “average” Americans. This tact is employed by John Howard when he denigrates anything he considers elitist as running contrary to the ideals of ‘middle’ Australians. This stereotype has been used to great effect against past Democratic nominees, most recently with John Kerry in 2004. Clinton has been in the political spotlight for an extended period of time on account of her husband’s presidency, and has made a number of gaffes that could alienate potential voters. For instance: while campaigning for her husband in 1992, Clinton made a remark about renouncing the privileges of staying home and making cookies in favour of starting a law firm. This was interpreted by a large chunk of the electorate as being tantamount to an insult directed at stay-at-home mothers. The lingering memory of incidents like these run the risk of alienating more conservative voters who may otherwise be willing to support a Democratic candidate. Clinton may also suffer from the legacy of her husband. Bill Clinton’s failed public healthcare reforms, inaction on the Rwandan genocide and a pissweak Middle East peace plan leave Hillary at risk of transference. Furthermore, the current trend in neoconservative thought blames Bill’s alleged unwillingness to dismantle Al Qaeda before the September 11th attacks. A Republican opponent sufficiently distant from the prosecution of the Iraq War who can make this idea gain currency could offer a serious challenge to Clinton in the election. To be fair, the Democratic primaries are still a year away, and trying to call a winner for the nomination is difficult at this early stage. As Hillary’s husband found in 1992, the competition for the Democratic nomination can still produce a dark horse candidate to sweep the field. Her success will be contingent on whether she manages to mitigate the above mentioned drawbacks. Learn Something Different Courses in everything from hip-hop dancing to computing, business, languages, music, pottery, art, massage, writing, cooking & hospitality training. Great discounts for Community Card holders! Monash Short Courses Benjamin Armstrong, Conflict 2003-5 (detail), Monash University Collection Donated by Peter Fay through the Australian Government’s Cultural Gifts Program, 2005 Before the Body – Matter HANY ARMANIOUS | BENJAMIN ARMSTRONG | DONNA BAILEY | LAUREN BERKOWITZ | PAT BRASSINGTON | CHRISTIAN CAPURRO | DALE FRANK MIRA GOJAK | BRENT HARRIS | JOHN MEADE | VERA MÖLLER | SUSAN NORRIE | MIKE PARR |TI PARKS | SIMONE SLEE | JUDY WATSON ph. 9905 3180 www.shortcourses.monash.edu.au Curator: Geraldine Barlow 30 November - 15 December 2006 1 February - 24 March 2007 Before the Body – Matter considers the body, form and matter, bringing works from the 1990s into dialogue with recent artistic practice, to explore ways in which our material and conceptual consideration of the body has evolved over the past decade. Monash University Museum of Art | MUMA Ground Floor, Building 55 Monash University, Clayton Campus Wellington Road, Clayton VIC 3800 T: 61 3 9905 4217 E: muma@adm.monash.edu.au www.monash.edu.au/muma BTB_MATTER_120x165_potrait_v3.indd 1 1/02/2007 12:44:28 PM 14/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Global Affairs seige in sarajevo alissa harnath For centuries, the Balkan region has been the centre of some of the world’s most violent ethnic conflicts. Throughout this period, the Serb, Croat and Slovene peoples have fought tyranny, dictatorship and ethnic persecution. In 1991, when the most recent Balkan conflict erupted, no one predicted that it would last for ten years, and involve the longest siege in the history of modern warfare. After the creation of the Second Yugoslavia after WWII, the Yugoslav government kept a watchful eye on nationalist movements amongst its many ethnic groups. After the tragedies of two World Wars on the European continent in thirty years, the memories were still fresh in the minds of many and the government feared such movements would lead to the eventual disintegration of the state, spreading chaos across the Balkans. Josep Bruz Tito became President of Yugoslavia in 1953, after a period as the Prime Minister and Minister of Foreign Affairs. Somehow, he was able to hold the nation together and there was little internal conflict during the twentyseven years of his Presidency. When Tito died, many were concerned that his successors would not be able to continue to hold the nation together. Divisions between ethnic groups were mounting; Slobodan Milosevic emerged as the leader of the Serbian people, reigniting tensions between Albanians and Serbs within Serbia, as well as between other ethnic groups throughout Yugoslavia. Eventually, these tensions would escalate into the Yugoslav Wars of the 1990s. One of the most significant of these conflicts, the siege of Sarajevo began on April 5th, 1992 and lasted until February 29th, 1996, after the Bosnian government declared itself independent from Yugoslavia. For 1,426 days, the forces of the Yugoslav People’s Army (JNA) and the Bosnian Serb forces (VRS) united against the Bosnian Government forces, seeking to destroy the newly-independent state of Bosnia and Herzegovina and instead create a Serbian state (Republika Srpska) which was to include the Bosnian territory. On May 2nd 1992, the VRS blockaded Sarajevo, preventing anyone from entering or leaving the city. All major roads leading into the city were cut; trucks containing food and medical supplies were prevented from entering the city, and essential services such as water and electricity were cut off. The citizens of Sarajevo were stranded – they had no way to escape from the isolated city, and no aid was allowed in to help them. For weeks the Bosnians and Serbs fought in and around the city. The Bosnians far outnumbered the Serbs, but had inferior weapons and no supplies. As a result, instead of attempting to capture Sarajevo directly, the Serbs shelled the city from their surrounding mountain stronghold. The Serbs destroyed most of the infrastructure in the city – more than 35,000 buildings were ruined - and most of what remained was badly damaged. For many weeks, the United Nations member states looked on at Yugoslavia disintegrating from within. Eventually the UN stepped in, but only for Sarajevo and Bosnia - their primary role was bringing aid to the citizens trapped in Sarajevo. Initially, the UN secured Sarajevo airport for aid flights, but it became a gateway for journalists, NATO, and UN officials as well. In fact, the UN did not actually have control of the airport. The Serbs allowed the UN to use it on the proviso that all flights, passengers and goods must be approved by Serbian officials stationed at the airport. While Serb officials approved many aid flights, Bosnian civilians had no chance of escaping the conflict through the Sarajevo airport. Serbian forces also continuously shelled the airport and shot at planes. In reality, the airport was no safer under apparent UN control than before they secured it. Bosnian citizens needed a way out of the city – it seemed the only way out was underground. In January 1993, work began on a tunnel to link Sarajevo with the ‘outside world’. Bosnian citizens volunteered to work on the tunnel: two volunteers worked with a pick and a shovel, while others took the earth away in wheelbarrows. Creating the tunnel was an extremely delicate operation. A live electricity cable along one side of the tunnel and an oil pipeline on the other proved difficult neighbours for the workers. Many volunteers worked in eight-hour shifts for six months to complete the 800 metre tunnel, which ran beneath the runway of the Sarajevo airport. In the end it proved worthwhile as food, medical supplies, and even arms were smuggled into the city, while some people (usually only high-ranking politicians or wealthy citizens) were able to get out. It was not a pleasant trip though. The tunnel was just 1.5 metres high, and around the same in width. It was often flooded – sometimes intentionally by Serb forces who had tried to build another tunnel underneath a lake, so that the tunnel would collapse and the Bosnians would again be trapped. This only further enhanced the danger posed by the electricity cable. Some days there was too much water and it was not safe for people to enter the tunnel. Despite this, some people were so desperate they went ahead anyway. Ultimately the Serbs were unsuccessful in their sabotage attempts though, and the tunnel remained open until the end of the siege, helping to ensure the city’s survival. More than twelve thousand people died during the siege of Sarajevo, and of those who managed to escape, few returned. Sarajevo was reduced almost to ruins: the population in February 1996 was half of that in April 1992. The tunnel provided essential aid and food to the citizens of the city, and had it not been for the bravery and dedication of those who worked on it, many more would have perished. 15/ Global Affairs Liberating the World is the US a rightful global policeman or is there more at stake? Johanna Morris September 11, 2001 launched the world into a new era. What has become known as the ‘Bush Doctrine’ emerged after these attacks; a policy aimed at combating terrorism by ‘liberating’ the countries that breed terrorist networks. Yet as the years go on and we continue to fight an undefined enemy for unclear reasons, we have to wonder as to the validity of the US cause. Are they helping make the world safer or is there something more at stake? Is this new war really about fighting terrorism or is it more about future economic gains? The public rationale behind this doctrine has always been that to stop terrorism the US needs to neutralise threats before they emerge. This is to be done by changing the cultures that breed hatred and fanaticism. It has become clear though that there is more to the problem than this. The US has used the 9/11 attacks as a basis for carrying out an agenda, one that gives them the supposed right to act as the global policeman ‘saving’ the ‘backward’ states from themselves and instilling democracy. They have given themselves the right to start wars. Originally, this was something that garnered great support. After the outrage that Americans felt towards the events of 9/11, the decision to hit terrorism hard and take pre-emptive action was widely supported. As the years drag on and the casualties of the Iraq war stack up, public opinion is changing and bi-partisan support has dissolved. Yet, while US citizens are protesting in their droves and America’s allies are backing off, the Bush Administration fights on. Recently President Bush announced a further 21,500 troops would be sent to Iraq and his new budget plans to put US$245 billion into Afghanistan and Iraq. What has to be asked is why he would pour so much into wars that are so unpopular and would do so at the expense of his country’s education, health care and children’s needs? The answer may be that this war is not about stopping terrorism and liberating the world as much as it is about putting money into the war machine. President Bush clearly wants his country to prosper and he knows that war is very profitable. He will likely see returns on this money as more jobs are created to fulfil contracts made to build more weapons, ships, planes and electronic systems. It is a widely known fact that war boosts the economy and it could be the reason why the US continues to pursue such an unpopular agenda. While the country is currently running a financial deficit, Bush has suggested that after he leaves office, the country will be in surplus. Previous wars have shown that while it may take a lot of money to fund the initial war effort, industry can be the big winner as the economy booms, and this is perhaps what the President is counting on. So whether the US has the right to ‘liberate’ the world or not, and they do seem to believe 9/11 has given them this mandate, it becomes clearer as the years go by that it’s not just about winning the war. If their goal was really to spread the principles of liberty, individual freedoms and the rule of law, surely they would use means that would be more likely to deliver that outcome. It appears that this self made global policeman has in fact become a little corrupt. darrell hawkins MySpace the beast consuming our generation I knew that MySpace had the capacity to be harmful to my mental health when I started comparing where my friends had ranked me in comparison to where I had ranked them. The whole premise of ranking friends can only result in pain, jealousy and pride. I just couldn’t help but feel robbed by people I had ranked as ‘Top Friends’ treating me like a meaningless scrap in a pile of hundreds of people; I was merely a number to add to their totals. MySpace is nothing about what it claims to be: it is not a social networking site; rather, it is an altar of self-worship where individuals can reassure themselves that they are in fact ‘popular’. People add complete strangers to their Friends list just to show their peers that they are socially superior. Instead of privately communicating via email or phone, people post weekend plans on other friends’ spaces in order to show the world how many engagements they have (and of course to receive the customary reply which adds value to their own space). I am sure people know that as they browse friends’ profiles (and those of their friends’ friends) for hours that there really is no content on the site of any value. It stands apart from the other ‘revolutionary’ new sites in that it offers nothing of any benefit to society. YouTube brings entertainment; a cleverly made video helps us to love the world in which we live a little more. Wikipedia allows us to learn more about whatever our heart desires, without blocking us out with pretentious academic words. I think C.S. Lewis sums up the MySpace school of thought when he writes of pride, ‘It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.’ MySpace is a way to say to the world, ‘Look at me! I’m here and I’m better than you! And 145 people agree with me!’ MySpace lovers may read this and simply say that I am whingeing because I am not popular. I’ve never been popular and I probably never will be. But what would you value more; two or three close friends or a hundred people who just want to add your name to a list? As I felt the pain of not being ranked a ‘Top Friend’ by one of my friends, I woke up to the destructive game I was playing. I could choose one of two directions. I could have continued on my pursuit for MySpace recognition, posting obsequious comments everywhere I could, searching for hours for victims to add to my tally of ‘friends’ and doing all I could to work my way up the ladders, or I could walk away and leave behind the force that I could see consuming me emotionally and leaving me an insecure shadow of my former self. I could not even leave the site with dignity; the sense of self-importance it fosters had infiltrated me too far already in a few short months. As I cancelled my account, I couldn’t help but wonder if people would notice I was gone. cartoon by Belinda Wiliams 17/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Music Digital Rights Management has been the talk of the town ever since Steve Jobs suggested that it be scrapped. Sarah Jackson takes a look at what all the fuss is about What is Digital Rights Management (DRM) and why does it exist? Digital Rights Management refers to the hidden encoding in songs downloaded from online music stores such as Apple iTunes. DRM acts as a form of copy protection enabling companies to limit the use of a track once it has been purchased. Encoded tracks can only be played on devices that are equipped to handle the specific DRM of the company from which the track has been purchased. To be precise, Apple iTunes tracks, which are protected by Apple’s ‘Fairplay DRM’, are restricted to play only on Apple iPods. Microsoft Zune tracks can only operate on Zune players. DRM exists because the worlds four biggest record companies EMI, Sony BMG, Universal and Warner, who control 70 percent of the worlds music, agreed to license the rights to their catalogues to stores like iTunes, on the condition that DRM be included on each track. With tracks wrapped by DRM, it was suggested that online piracy of music would be more readily controlled and the record companies catalogues easily protected. quality of those tracks is protected. This is because record companies are more likely to offer a greater number of artists/tracks for download if they’ve been guaranteed some form of protection against peer to peer file sharing. DRM also protects record companies by forcing people to buy an artists album if they wish to have full control over their music purchases, thereby safe guarding against falling record sales. The biggest criticism of DRM comes from consumers, who say that DRM affects the interoperability between downloaded songs and the devices used to play them. Consumers feel that they’re being tricked or forced into purchasing songs and products from one company, in order to play songs which they believe they should have a right to play on whatever device they choose. The future of online music downloads Jobs raises the possibility of Apple licensing out its Fairplay DRM to other online music sites, making it possible for iTunes tracks to be played on Zune players and the like. However, one stipulation of Apple’s licensing agreement with the 4 record companies is that any problems with its software must be repaired in a short space of time. Therefore, if Apple were to license out is Fairplay system, it would not be able to guarantee the delivery of a quickly repaired system if anyone were to crack its DRM encoding. The record companies would therefore more than likely deny Apple the licensing rights to their massive catalogue of songs. The easiest way to overcome consumer confusion over DRM interoperability is to scrap it all together. Were DRM to be abandoned, it would likely see an increase in the amount of people downloading songs from stores like iTunes. As a result, record companies could surely increase their licensing fee and continue to make a packet from music lover’s world wide. In short, Steve Jobs, Apple and the record companies are set to make a ton of cash if DRM is shown the door. Jobs’ concern about DRM is not due to an anomalous compassion for music lovers, but a desire to continue to feed his hip pocket. Nevertheless, consumers will benefit from DRM-free tracks by being able to transfer their songs between devices, as well as by gaining access to a growing catalogue of songs which should remain at reasonable prices. Why is it relevant? Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, caused a major stir at the beginning of February, when he posted a letter online titled ‘Thoughts on Music’. In what was seen by many consumers of online music as a giant leap forward in the freedom of digital downloads, Jobs called for the scrapping of DRM on all digital tracks. The article states that 90% of music sold worldwide (through CDs) is DRM free. Consequently, online downloads account for only 10% of business for the world’s four major record labels. Jobs’ justification for DRM removal was that it hasn’t, as was initially foreseen, had any effect on music piracy, as 90% of music purchases can already be readily purchased and pirated from CDs. Jobs goes on to highlight research which shows that on average only 22 of a possible 1000 songs on every iPod have been downloaded from online sites. Thus, DRM does not affect a consumer’s ability to fill their iPod with tracks from a variety of sources, as has previously been argued. The pros and cons of DRM and who it affects The main benefit of DRM (according to record companies) is that it increases the available catalogue of downloadable songs and that the digital rights management the songs that changed the world For a long time, musicians have used their position to fight for what they believe in through their songs. Cathy Thwaites takes a look at the major events of recent decades, and the hit songs that were inspired from them. the sixties The US involvement in the Vietnam War during the sixties saw heavy opposition from the artistic community. John Lennon was the figurehead of this opposition, with his infamous anti-war anthem, ‘Give Peace A Chance’ being recorded in 1969 during his ‘Bed-In’ with Yoko Ono in Montreal, Canada. The song reached number 14 on the US Billboard charts and number 2 in the UK. It has remained hugely popular in the subsequent 30 years, and has been re-released twice with a cast of numerous artists it on the behest of Yoko Ono, first in 1991 against the Gulf war, and again after the September 11 attacks. the Queen, She ain’t no human being, There’s no future, In England’s dreaming” Though claiming the song wasn’t written specifically for the Queen’s Jubilee, the band intended to play the song on the day of the ceremony, from a barge on the River Thames, just outside Westminster Palace. However, members of the band were arrested due to a fight occurring before the launch. ‘God Save The queen’ was released to controversy, with the BBC banning airplay and some record stores refusing to stock the single. It reached number 2 in the UK charts, with rumours remaining that there was interference preventing the song from reaching number one. The song reached its peak of international popularity after a wave of protests across Europe in reaction to the US deployment of missiles in West Germany in January, 1984. and now… Major events in recent history have garnered similar attention from artists around the world. A wash of anti-Bush opinion is demonstrated via songs such as Green Day’s ‘American Idiot’, Neil Young’s ‘Lets Impeach The President’, and Pink’s ‘Dr. Mr. President’. Meanwhile, protests against the effects of globalisation and corporatisation can been heard in The Gorillaz ‘Feel Good Inc’, and Radiohead’s ‘Fitter, Happier’. It’s difficult to verify what real effect a song can have on public opinion. At the very least, these songs provided a soundtrack for a moment in history. They may have even inspired greater action from those people who would generally be apathetic towards politics. Even if that inspiration is only due to upping the credibility of a cause by attaching a celebrity, it can hardly be seen as a negative. Bob Geldolf was quoted recently in relation to his Live 8 concerts, saying that “guys with guitars and keyboards can now help to write world policy,” and in an age where the line between celebrity and politics is increasingly blurred, it’s more than likely that he is correct. the eighties 99 Red Balloons by German singer Nena was a huge hit worldwide in 1983, topping the US and UK charts. It’s a sprightly little tune you might have noticed Drew Barrymore singing along to in ‘The Wedding Singer’. The track has been covered countless times, most recently on the part of ‘Me First and the Gimme Gimmes’. Despite its sunny overtones, the original German version, ‘99 Luft Balloons’, was a comment on the Cold War, describing a nuclear war triggered as an overreaction to the sight of red balloons in the sky. “99 red balloons, floating in the summer sky. Panic bells, it’s red alert. There’s something here from somewhere else. The war machine springs to life. Opens up one eager eye. Focusing it on the sky. Where 99 red balloons go by.” the seventies The British Punk era in the late seventies saw a wave of anti-establishment and anti-monarchist sentiment, which was reflected in the music of seminal punk bands including the Sex Pistols and The Clash. ‘God Save The Queen’ was recorded by the Sex Pistols in 1977. “God save the Queen, Her fascist regime, They made you a moron, Potential h-bomb, God save Klaxons – Myths of the Near Future (Modular: 2007) How can I summarise this album’s brilliance in so few words? Well, it’s like this: with Myths of the Near Future, the Klaxons have issued a manifesto for music in the 21st century, offering an album so singular that it contains the materials and ideas for transforming pop itself. “We can find things in the future, in the mythic, schizoid and eclectic,” say the Klaxons, “and we can still make them palatable. We can tear out pop melody and perfection from the murkiest and most surprising places, from swathes of darkness.” Musically, the album itself builds on deceptively simple song structures and motifs, progressively layering them into intense and expansive pop songs. They run through dance, shimmering pop, rave, post-punk and more, juxtaposing sounds and adding their own unique element into the mix to form an arresting tapestry. Lyrically, it is a fantasy record: an escape into surreal territory replete with highbrow literary references. The unrelenting and driving rhythms of their Xan Valleys EP remain, especially on tracks like the re-recorded Atlantis to Interzone and the hypnotic mantra-chant of Magick, but they sit beside bristling pop numbers like opener Two Receivers, a clean and voluptuous track of techno strings and soaring cd the review Bloc Party – A Weekend In The City (2007: V2/Shock) It was always going to be a little difficult for Bloc Party. After releasing a debut album that was both commercially and critically Dead Frenchmen – salivated upon, the stakes were Wonderland high. There have been many bands (2007: Timberyard Records) in recent years that were hugely hyped after their first album, only I’m pleased to announce that Dead to release a disappointing album Frenchmen are more than just a after. Bloc Party haven’t done this. really cool name. They’re a great They’ve released a good album, it’s band, that’s just released a really just not great. cohesive debut album. On A Weekend In The City, Bloc Party (AWITC), with the help of star When I say ‘cohesive’ I mean that producer Jacknife Lee (U2, Snow Wonderland is an album that isn’t Patrol, Kasabian) decided the only rough around the edges; it sounds way to go from their debut was streets ahead of what you’d expect bigger, brighter and bolder. From from a debut album, in its song listening to the album however, writing, production, and how well- it seems that all three of those rehearsed the band sound. From goals were attempted through the listening to Wonderland, you’d mixing desk, rather than through easily be mistaken in thinking this the band members themselves. was the second or third effort from As a consequence, while the first the band. four tracks on the album, including the lead single ‘The Prayer’ have Together with drummer Greg great riffs and pulsing drums Doig, and bassist Toby Dundas, that are now iconic of the ‘Bloc the band exhibits none of the Party sound’, they lack any of the NY pretentiousness, and instead conviction that made their first exudes a genuine intensity that album so endearing. Instead, the only comes from a band loving what songs on AWITC sound decidedly they do. The trio have managed hollow, which is also partially a many great moments on the album, result of so many of the tracks with songs like ‘Passenger’ and having long-winded openings or ‘Out Of Phase’ sounding fantastic. breaks devoted to lead singer Kele However, one criticism is that at Okereke hurting my ears with his times it seems that the album lacks falsetto. variation, with some tracks tending While there are some great songs to sound a little too much like on the album that will surely find the previous one, partly because their way onto indie dance floors the levels of the instruments on around the world (Song for Clay, each track sound exactly the same Hunting for Witches), in trying to throughout the album. be the jack of all trades, Bloc Party simply come off as the master of Wonderland is a great album as far none. as debut albums go, and hopefully, At time of going to press, Bloc if the band tries some new things Party have announced they will with their song writing, their be playing this year at Splendour sophomore effort will be something In The Grass, plus a Melbourne to eagerly anticipate. sideshow. Of Montreal – Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer? (Popfrenzy, 2007) Of Montreal have made a break-up album of great emotional weight from the lightest elements – synthpop, funk bass-lines, candy beats and dreamy melodies. At first this incongruity hits you as a terrible mistake: an unresolved tension that constantly frustrates with its fruitiness. After a few listens however, this ‘mistake’ melts into an amazing conceit and you realise the genius of the band – everything makes sense because, rather than have singer Kevin Barnes (who recently split with his wife) mope into his acoustic guitar for a whole album, the band have found a way to musically manifest the gamut of conflicting emotions one experiences after the catastrophe of love-loss. So at one pole you have Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse, a restless and bouncy song about the release drugs seem to offer, and at the other end you’ve got the amazing 12-minute epic The Past is a Grotesque Animal (great title, hey?), in which unrelenting bass-lines and drum-beat wash over Barnes’ now desperate vocals touch the depths of personal despair, or “my own disaster” as Barnes puts it. Between these extremes there’s a sense of entropy, melancholy, giddiness, even suggestions of violence both musically and lyrically, often conflicting within the one song. If you can grasp their concept, Of Montreal propel you through an overwhelming span of emotions. Michael Kalenderian Michael Kalenderian Lawson Fletcher 20/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Wom*n’s State - sponsored violence monique wicks against women State-sponsored violence against women occurs frequently in Australia, without question. This was only emphasised by the police violence against women at the G20 protests in Melbourne. I was assaulted by four men on the weekend. One grabbed my arm and pulled me to the ground. One placed both hands on my chest and pushed, and pushed until I fell back. One punched me in the face. And One struck me repeatedly with a long pole. I was assaulted by four men on the weekend, and now I walk the streets afraid. I can’t walk alone. I can’t be in crowds. I begin to shake when I see men who look like my attackers. I was assaulted by four men on the weekend, and now I receive looks of pity in response to my injuries: Right cheek: swelling, tenderness, slight discoloring; Left Upper Arm: Large swelling, bruising - 28x17cms; Left Upper Ribs: tenderness, bruising - 13x8 cms. I went to the hospital to X-ray my ribs and was asked: “did you take a bit of a fall?” I was assaulted by four men on the weekend, but its okay. Because they were police. And just Doing Their Job. I have a number of complaints about events during and beyond the G20 protests in Melbourne. That the property damage caused by a small contingent of protesters was somehow more devastating than the real violence enacted by police. That the protesters have been vilified, described variously as being from interstate, and being from overseas. A highly trained violent guerilla army, a group of individuals acting to suit their own agendas. Anarchists, socialists, individualists. So many labels, so much sensationalism from all angles. Right-wing corporate media publishing photos of peaceful protesters and a dial-a-thug hotline. Left-wing groups putting out calls for the “real left” to isolate these demonstrators. And not a skerrick of truth or perspective amongst them. At the end of the day, police used extreme force to threaten and injure peaceful protesters. Large groups of predominately male police against small groups of predominately female community members. This is nothing more than state-sponsored violence against women. It is not the job of police to assault members of the community. Under any circumstances. It is the role of the police to protect individuals from harm. Under every circumstance. (Yes, even when big business comes to town). I will share with you two particular examples of this state-sponsored violence against women. One night a pink Cadillac, freshly painted, planted with seedlings of endangered species and equipped with a solar-powered sound system, parked itself outside Parliament House. Two women locked-on. The police forbade moving the car beyond this point. And so, for 5 hours the car and its chaperones celebrated in the streets - much dancing was had. Until the police returned, wielding batons and throwing people away from the car. One woman was pushed to the ground by four male police officers, kicked in the ribs and beaten with batons. She suffered (among other things) a heavy concussion. Another police officer removed his badge before punching me in the face, threatening to “clean me up”. The next day a small group of musicians (mainly students, and again mainly women) congregated outside the Melbourne Museum to greet G20delegates on their day trip. The women played their music and danced in the doorways of the museum, until, without prior notice, the police charged. One woman fell to the ground, convulsing, and had to be carried away as the police still chased with batons. Reinforcements were called - our small group of women was soon met with a force of approx 100 police, and 250 riot police. We left once the ambulance had arrived (which the police had refused to call) and were marched blocks away. Is this what a police state looks like? Community groups and governments alike run public campaigns to Stop Violence Against Women. Yet no one seems to acknowledge the violence that women often meet at the hands of the State. Violence that occurs when roups of men come to break up a protest, action, or blockade held by women. Violence that is perpetrated against women held in custody (be it short term or long). Psychological Violence - the threat of aggression, the fear to walk the streets, the uncertainty over what could happen to you. Physical violence - being chased, beaten, kicked. I have heard too many stories of women who have been assaulted at the hands of the State. This violence is not isolated to the convergence against G20 (when we are supposed to have expected it). Women at environmental rallies who without warning have been charged by baton-wielding police. Women demonstrators named “Slut”. “Cunt”. “Whore”. Women incarcerated and beaten by their jailor. Separated from friends. Taunted. International Law directs the State to protect women from violence and the threat of violence. In 1993 the UN adopted the Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women, which addresses violence against women as a human rights violation. Women’s right to be free from violence is also set out in General Recommendation No. 19 of the Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women. The International community demands that: 1. States must respect rights. Government officials, or those acting with the authorization of the state, must not commit acts of violence against women. 2. States must protect women’s rights. The state and its agents must take effective measures to prevent other individuals or groups (including private enterprises and corporations) from violating the human rights of women. 3. States must also fulfill women’s rights. States must ensure the appropriate infrastructure to support laws, policies and practices to eliminate violence against women. States are expected to report on the progress of such laws and policies and to modify features that are ineffective. Eliminating State-Sponsored Violence Against Women is clearly yet another expectation from the International community that Australia has chosen to disregard. My body is my own - I will not lose it to the state. I was assaulted by four men on the weekend, and it is not okay. 21/ Queer Liberation Now Accounts of the ‘swinging 60s’ presented to us in the media make us think that the period was a broiling melting pot of sexual activity, freedom and a breaking down of the social order of the day and the liberation of ‘free love’. However in Australia and much of the world the period was quite a conservative time where social restrictions and regulations were still in much force dictating how people should lead their lives, with severe punishment for those whose ideas fell outside of the ‘norm’. Many of us radicals would argue that the same still happens today. Take queer people for example. Conservative society in the 1960s was very oppressive for queer people, who were “researched” pathologically by the medical profession and were dismissed as evil deviants by the conservative Christian right. In the mid 1960s the Australian Law Journal conducted a study into public attitudes on law reform issues surrounding abortion and male homosexuality (but no inclusion of female homosexuality not surprisingly). The prospects of the results were not good for gay men. Only 22% of the respondents thought that male homosexual acts in private should no longer be considered an offence, with 64% disagreeing. . Further more, many participants reported saying that homosexuals should be ‘whipped severely, while more ‘kind’ suggestions included long term prison sentences! The authors concluded that ‘Australians were more likely to think that the homosexual was a mysterious non-human aberration from outer space. (See From camp to queer: remaking of the Australian Homosexual by Robert Reynolds). The 1960s was a period of time where consensual sex between two adult men could land you a 10 year jail term. Hardly ‘free love’. In this conservative climate, the first openly homosexual political organisation CAMP (Citizens Against Moral Persecution) was set up in Sydney to be lead by queers in actively de-stigmatizing homos and reframing them in the notion of being open and proud, a new concept in Australia at the time. One of the main functions of CAMP was to change the public’s opinion about queers by asserting the fact that queers were essentially just normal people who had done nothing wrong and deserved to be able to lead open lives. They asserted the fact that queers where everywhere in society. One of their platforms to changing societal opinion was coming out. Their other main aim was to empower queers to realise that there was nothing wrong with their sexuality; it was not unnatural or depraved. The massive closeted majority of queers who found their way into CAMP found much solace in the company of other queers, where for the first time in their lives they could relax and enjoy each others company without constant stress and fear about their sexuality. The queer space here functions in a very similar way today still. Radical student activism of the 1970s also had a profound effect in helping change society’s opinions and also fighting for the rights of queer students who were discriminated against on campus (at that point of time it was still legal to discriminate against someone on the basis of their sexual orientation). The ‘mysterious’ drowning in the River Torrens of a gay lecturer at Adelaide Uni saw the formation of a CAMP group there in 1972. Students who were suspected of being gay suffered at the hands of university administrations; in 1973 a gay student was banned from Macquarie University’s Robert Menzies College. In 1974 another Macquarie student was declared ‘medically unfit to teach’ after she published a poem in her local student newspaper about making love to another woman. Her scholarship was cancelled and she was called in for a psychiatric assessment by the university department. Over 1000 students and staff attended a mass meeting and demanded that she be reinstated. In 1976, the Queensland education department refused to employ a student with above average grades because he had been a member of the gay and lesbian group on campus. The education minister later told the parliament; “Student teachers who participated in homosexual or lesbian groups should not assume that they would be employed by the education department on graduation.” In Victoria today it is still illegal to be a teacher and be openly gay within school. In 1972, a group of radical gay activists within CAMP split off and officially formed Australia’s first Gay Liberation group in Sydney. The split occurred after CAMP became more cautious and conservative in an attempt to gain respectability from the public, and tried to distance it self from the confrontational policies that the younger university activists were advocating, as the gay liberationists were more interested in the pursuit of questioning what society should be on a much grander scale instead of just wanting furthered rights within the existing system. One woman within Gay liberation argued; “…a revolution in attitudes towards sex and sexual preference is needed”. A key platform of Gay Liberation’s new set of beliefs included transcendence; that is the belief that societal restrictions such as gender and sex could be overcome as they are not natural but rather a construct of society that could be challenged. Through this process of challenging society’s assumptions about the roles men and wom*n should play, or indeed the concept of gender itself, one could achieve self transformation and overcome their own in-built oppression. Gay Liberationists in Australia seized on a document printed by their counterparts in America relating the causes of sexual and gender oppression. The author, Allen Young, defined sexism as ‘a belief or practice that the sex or sexual orientation of human beings gives to some the right to certain privileges, powers, or roles, while denying to others their full potential… primarily manifested through male supremacy and heterosexual chauvinism.’ However the gay men within Gay Lib. couldn’t quite junk their own sexism as easily as they believed, with many wom*n becoming frustrated and leaving the group after much male dominance of meetings and normalisation of male gay experience at the expense of wom*n. Out of this a new group was formed; The Radicalesbians, who printed their own manifesto and held their own conference in Sorrento in 1973, during the time which Radical feminist thought was gaining popularity. Towards the 1990s a new movement was gaining force: the Queer movement. This aimed to unite all queers regardless of their own personal sexuality in opposition to detrimental and compulsory heteronormativity (the belief in traditional sexroles and heterosexuality being the only acceptable form of relations within society). The aim was to liberate all people from their proscribed sex/gender roles (these are two different concepts - don’t confuse them!) and to move towards a post-gender society, where people stop relating to each other based on un-important things such as physical sexual organs, and instead upon more important things (like that we’re all sentient beings, for example). This is unpopular with the present system, as it would mean the destruction of current sex roles and identities, which capitalism thrives off. It would however, mean an end to sexism, queerphobia, and other oppression. It would mean the end of wom*n and men, which might be confusing at first, but would lead for more time being devoted to more important things in our existence. It is that fight that we continue for today, as well as the more important returning struggle to assert that we have a right to exist at all, with disappointingly many people still dehumanizing us and treating us like shit. But that’s just life when you’re queer. 22/ Campus Life The Downfall Of Monyx Monash University’s commercial services company, ‘Monyx’ was established in 2001. The company controlled many of the food and beverage outlets, sports and recreation facilities, retail outlets and other support services on campus. Monash University has just recommended that the company be wound up and it is set to close on March 31st. According to David Taft, (MSA President, 2006) “The advent of VSU saw significant scrutiny of Monyx’s operations by the University”. This prompted a report by consultants PhillipsKPA to analyse the budget and management of Monyx. This report found that the unreliability of the company to remain solvent, combined with a history of indiscretions in relation to financial matters, meant the University should have diminished confidence in financial information that they received from Monyx. Monyx is currently several million dollars in debt, an amount for which the university will be covering the cost. This is the kind of debt that cannot occur overnight, or even over months for that matter and is a testament to the University’s poor governance perhaps over many years. To understand the seriousness of this issue we must look directly at what several million dollars could do for students across the Monash campuses. Had that money been dispersed amongst student unions or, dare I say, put into creating sufficient and affordable parking spaces on campus, student life could be vastly improved. Had those millions of dollars been spent on creating better buildings with working escalators and proper ventilation without leaking plumbing, the same can be said. The reality of the situation is that Monash is a public institution that receives government funding, and as such has an obligation to spend it wisely, keeping in mind that students are their first priority. In the past, and apparently the present, this is a concept the university has struggled to come to terms with. In the commercial world, directors and executives are held to account for failings of corporate governance, when it leads to the detriment of the public and shareholders. Following this lead, it is about time our University, took their own governance responsibility seriously and avoided major Administrative stuff ups. Had the appropriate checks and balances been implemented by Monash years ago, students would be several million dollars better off. Currently the university is in negotiations with student unions across the campuses as to how the companies services will be taken over, but the bulk will fall under the University’s management. It has also been alleged that the University intends to sack staff at the various outlets and rehire in the takeover, in which case students employed on campus by Monyx could potentially face losing their part-time employment. Needless to say, if students lose paid employment at any of the company’s outlets this will come to have serious implications on their financial situations. It would also be in the University’s best interests to maintain the continuity of current staff in what is otherwise a time of complete uncertainty. It would appear likely that students employed at ‘Juice Baby’ will be without employment in the very near future as the business looks unlikely to continue after routinely running at a substantial loss. ‘Juice Baby’ alone has employed around fifteen Monash Clayton students in the past twelve months and currently serves as part-time employment for at least six. Juice Baby is only one of a number of Monyx run businesses. After the entire mismanagement debacle one can only hope that once the university takes control of the services, they act responsibly and compassionately in regard to student employment and welfare. It seems like the time has come for the University to do something about Monyx, however students must be concerned about the possibility of future failings if the University does not govern more effectively than it has in this instance. Thus, students require reassurance that our unions and services will not bear the burden for such Administration losses. We demand a better performance from our University in the future. The What’s On Calendar If you would like to publish your next uni event in Lot’s Wife please email the details to jason.leigh@adm.monash.edu.au 17th Of MARCH Stop War Coalition’s Protest To Take Troops Out Of Iraq and Afghanistan. 12pm @ The State Library (Corner of Swanston St & LaTrobe St) 18th OF MARCH The Baseball Club’s ‘Rookie Day’ Have you ever wanted to try out baseball but never had the chance? Come down to the main diamond (behind Oval 1) on Sun March 18th @ 10am sharp and have a go! Have a throw, swing a bat and enjoy a free BBQ afterwards. For more info, call Benny (club secretary) on 0403 800 868 or email secretary@monashbaseball. com 29TH OF MARCH The Society of Arts Students Ball!!! Circus theme, crazy times. Get your tickets soon as the ball will sell out. Monash Engineering Students Society Ball!! Massive, huge, will also sell out fast. 30TH OF MARCH The Monash Uni Soccer Club have now began their pre-season. New members are welcome to come down and try out with the club. Preseason training times and venues are outlined on the club’s website. The club’s first social event for 2007 will be the “Season Launch” dinner to be held on Friday 30th of March. Tickets are for this event are available from the club. The season will start on the 14th of April. The club would like to see the massive crowds for their home games continue in 2007, with everyone enjoying the carnival atmosphere and supporting the mighty Sky Blues. Further information regarding joining the club, attending any of their functions or games is available on our website : www.monashunisoccer.org 5TH OF APRIL MSA Activities BBQ, 12:30pm Menzies Lawn. Could be a bbq, could be a petting zoo, who knows? Just mark it in the diary and catch the bus that day, because booze is the only certain thing. WEEKLY STUFF The Society for Video Game Appreciation (SVGA) holds weekly meetings through out the semester on Wednesday nights. Members bring in equipment (laptops/consoles/games/etc) which are played for the night. Building 33, Room G02 6pm - 9pm The Baha’i society will be running weekly prayer and worship sessions in the religious centre on Mondays at 12-1pm. All religions are welcome! International Navigators are holding weekly meetings on Fridays at the Monash Religious Centre Small Chapel from 7-10pm starting from March 9 2007 English Conversational Group on Thursdays 122pm at the Conference Room in the Campus Centre for people to learn & practise their conversational Pete Steedman The ‘hoon’ that liberated Lot’s Wife and was nearly done for blasphemy “The thing about my so called radical editorship,” Steedman tells me as we sit in his home office flicking through photos, “…is that the papers I did covered everything. They weren’t aimed at, well I was nearly going to say that they weren’t aimed at destroying people, that’s a lie. But everybody got a say, including the Jock strappers and the religious freaks and everybody else.” Pete Steedman was a whirlwind revolution contained within one man, he pissed off more people in his time at Monash than most do in a lifetime. Under his leadership between 196566 Lot’s Wife was rescued from mediocrity and became the number one student newspaper in the country (before editing Melbourne’s Farrago and making that number one). He wasn’t afraid of the powers that be and was one of the best practitioners of offset tabloid newspapers in the country. Steedman was the first student to ever be disciplined at Monash, charged with ‘using language unbecoming of a student to an executive officer’. In 1961 telling the Head of Security to ‘go and get fucked’ was a pretty big thing. He was again nearly booted from the University for blasphemy, for publishing a photograph of a man (face covered) pretending to nail someone to a crucifix. The star of the shot was the late prominent journalist Richard Carleton, who was then editor of the University of NSW student newspaper. “I put it in because he was too gutless to use it, then all of a sudden there was a debate about whether I was blasphemous or not??” According to Steedman, a meeting was held on campus to decide his fate at the University, the first two rows occupied by nuns. “I was two votes away from being kicked out, the vote went 222-220 in my favour I think”. At one point Steedman was vice president of the then extremely conservative SRC (this was quite controversial at the time), was strongly connected with Oz magazine (through ‘mutual sexual relations’ he explains, the same reason he is allegedly connected with Harold Holt) and according to a Lot’s Wife at the time ‘has the distinction of failing more courses than any other member of the University’. He admits he spent more time at the Notting hill Hotel than at classes, and would blackmail his tutors into keeping their mouths shut, as he knew exactly which tutors were having affairs with students. Steedman supplemented his modest Lots Wife income by being involved in a contraceptive pill racket, dealing them at low prices to students, who would normally have to be over 21 and married to get them. He first employed the services of Michael Leunig who was living next door to him, once stole a couch from a Melbourne University professor so he could fornicate in the Farrago office and admits to once have had sex with two older women in order to secure advertising for one of his papers. After spending 8 years at University Steedman never finished his undergraduate degree, he explained (somewhat jokingly), “If you’re going to be a fair dinkum radical, part of the game was that you didn’t get your degree, otherwise you’re sucking up to the system.” According to the Age, Steedman was one of the government’s most feared anti-Vietnam war protestors, to the point where he was singled out for observation and a serious candidate for arrest. Research into activism surrounding the Vietnam war on Australian Universities in 1967 showed just how dangerous he was. According to Steedman “Only two universities in Australia had the majority of student in Australia against the war in Vietnam, and that was ANU with 55% against the war, and Monash with nearly 80%. That was put down to the influence of Lot’s Wife, so I suppose people were reading it.” Steedman fires 100 words a minute as he keeps flipping through photographs, his deep raspy voice occasionally betraying his excitement at feeling relevant again. I’m shown pictures of him riding motorbikes and looking the spitting image of James Dean, pictures of him beside Paul Keating and Bob Hawke, and the flicking is eventually drawn to a halt as we stumble across a few black and white pictures of gorgeous nude girls. His gaze rests on one for a second before becoming embarrassed and closing the book. “She looked upset, I think she’d left me. I was cheating on her.” I ask him about his reputation as an outrageous ladies man. The first I heard of him was from a friend’s Dad, who would gaze across campus as Steedman sat on his motorbike in the middle of the University (everyone else parked in the car park) surrounded by girls. “Admittedly I was motivated by sex for a majority of the time, but what male in his twenties isn’t?” Steedman quips. He claims that at parties girls would all be warned to stay away from him, due to his bad boy image, but they never did. The former Federal Labor MP has often claimed “…the only things that aren’t boring in life are sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll”, so I ask him why he bothered with Lot’s Wife. “I loved Lot’s Wife because it gave me a voice,” says Steedman. Why use your voice for political issues and social justice, I ask, after having spent the last hour being lectured on the fact that all Steedman cared about was booze and sex. “Well what else is there to use it for??” He sounds exasperated that I would even ask, “You’ve got to change the world don’t you!?”. I press on, you could have just stuck to boozing and chasing girls… “I don’t know. Something went wrong and I started caring about things.” I ask Steedman for a picture of Monash in the 1960’s, “Mud…” is all I get. He stayed here for 8 years, why did he love it so much? “I was a young bloke coming from a repressed situation, a repressed period of time, that suddenly found freedom and went mad.”…“I could get away with anything I wanted to do, and I did, I could turn up in a leather jacket and a motorbike and it was just amazing.” What about Universities today, what did he think of our generation? “Modern Universities are fucked.” he complains. He got into Monash with terrible grades (after being expelled form Wesley due to his blatant disregard of authority, running his own gambling ring at the age of 13) and doesn’t agree with the current fixation on academic standards, and how little importance is placed upon life experience. “You’ve all been hyped up at school, you’ve never done anything, all you do is study,” he moans, “Then you get sent out and become a boring little asshole like the rest of society, with no fun at all, rather than what you should be doing at University which is drinking, taking drugs, rooting and working out where you’re going to fit into society at a later date…Education is a secondary thing.” by jason leigh (Above) This is the photo that nearly got Steedman booted for blasphemy, starring Richard Carleton When asked about his time as a Federal Labor MP, Steedman, in his usual colourful language, provided me with the following insights on current politics that I’d be a fool not to publish. “I think Howard is starting to look older and starting to falter. What people mustn’t forget is that man lies in his fucking sleep!” “Kim Carr is a fucking Neo Stalinist” “Steven Conroy is an evil little chunk of shit and he should be put down.” “You’d have to remove them (Carr and Conroy) and a few of their accolades and we’d have a chance of bringing democracy back to the Labor party.” “The Greens are fucking liars.” 24/ Campus Life 10 Things That Get Our Goat 1/ The fact that all the employees at Wholefoods are so skinny. It’s like, employ some fat people you prejudiced wankers. 2/ The Christians on campus who are parading around under the banner of ‘Student Life’. Worst of luck to the first years who got sucked in. Come up to the Lot’s Wife office and we will make you blueberry pancakes, without condemning sexual promiscuity! 3/ People who think Ipods are more than a long playing $400 walkman. Alongside this goes the assumption that in all cases ‘digital’ is synonymous with the word ‘best’. 4/ Customers at Coles who tell me it offends them when I eat grapes in the supermarket. Offends them, what do they care? My goodness! They ought to become a minority and get spat at, or insulted just for the sake of their race, just so they know what being offended is all about. 5/ People asking: “What natio are you”? What the hell does it matter to you? And when did this question become so important that ‘nationality’ had to be abbreviated? 6/ The fact that the coke machines in the campus centre say on them insert ‘dimes, nickels or quarters here’. Um, or dollars and cents maybe? Why have these machines not been deported for being unaustralian? 7/ When people comment that you must be hungry because of the amount of food on your plate. It’s like yeah that’s right, I am hungry, and thank god for that because I need food to stay alive, you dickhead! 8/ The fact that asking someone who they voted for in an election is taboo. We don’t live in Mussolini’s Italy, people should be proud of who they voted for, and ready to explain (or defend) their decisions. 9/ The longer you stay on the telephone fighting a phone bill the more discount they give you. It’s a waste of everyone’s friggin’ time. And why are they encouraging rudeness? Plus, if Telstra buggers up the phone lines, why do we have to spend money on a mobile call when phoning them to fix it? It makes me sick! 10/ Guys who say “Listen here girlie!” Standard reply: Fuck off! The Official Monash Guide To Beers! Arranged for your drinking pleasure... St. George, 5/10. One of the latest offerings from Boags and Sons, St. George certainly adds to their repertoire, though what it adds I am unsure. It is an attempt to move away from the more bitter varieties and into a lighter-hopped beer which, as the bottle suggests, has citrus flavorings. In many ways this beer reflects the extraordinary change in beer drinking habits over the last decade, with boutique beers on the rise, and draught and bitter varieties on the decline. Boag’s St. George, however, is no dragon slayer. It seeks to be everything to everyone, and falls somewhere inbetween white beers such as Höegaarden and Mexican style cerveza’s like Corona. St George lacks the summer refresher qualities of Corona or the depth of Höegaarden, a citrus-hopped comparison, perfect for autumn. The foam is neither thick nor luscious, with the bubbles being of a similar disposition, although way over the top. The tastes of light citrus are brief and its ‘premium’ tag belies its lack of depth. (Premium seemingly being industry talk for adding a $1 to each beer.) This beer will not sway the VB crowd, who want it bitter and cheap, and those who seek more than just the intoxicating frenzies will find it’s taste lacklustre. Sold in four packs. Drink with: Morrocan cous-cous, light curries and heavy salads. Drink: on a cool summers day/evening or at home alone in the dark. - Mat Hilikari SKID MARK OF THE CAMPUS Above (Right): Samuel Kastelan (Secretary of the MSA) “I like the patriarchy. It serves my interests!” Photos compliments of Andre Tan If your face is circled, come up to the Lot’s Office to collect a free 6-pack Be the first person to circle the following items in the Where’s Johnny puzzle and come up to the Lot’s Office to pick up a Lot’s Wife gift pack! Wizard Whitebeard Wally John Howard (twice) Pauline Hanson Brian Burke (he’s everywhere! Find each one!) Peter Costello A number to prank call (9822 4422) A stoned bird A pregnant Tony Abbott CK REVE WOODSTO THE LLERS E TO EARD CAM D WHITEB THE WIZAR THINGS NNY AND D DRUGS, THEN JOH SIC, SEX AN ND OF MU E LA HNNY CK, TO TH RE. AND JO WOODSTO SEEN BEFO HAD EVER PLAY, JOHNNY HENDRIX NO LITTLE W JIMMY HEN HE FE - HE SA TT. AND W OF HIS LI AND ABBO THE TIME OSTELLO HAD BURKEY, C ON HIS IS MATES ONTINUE P WITH H AVE AND C CAUGHT U TIME TO LE AS O RIPPED. , AND IT W E WAS TO E SCROLL D THAT H FOUND TH NNY FOUN LE JOH POOR LITT JOURNEY, 30/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Lifestyle Cooking With Schapelle There are many benefits to getting stoned by eating, rather than smoking. It eliminates some health risks, and it is more discrete to munch on a cake than rip a bong in the middle of a party. Theoretically, you are probably less likely to get done for possession if your weed is packed neatly into a loaf, rather than spilling out of a mix bowl. However, the key to ingesting weed safely is patience because once you’ve punched a whole pile of hash cookies into your face, there is no going back so try to avoid messing yourself up. Unless of course, seeing green dragons and laying in the fetal position on a bathroom floor for a few hours is your idea of a good time. Now hippies, it’s time to save the world, but before we do, let’s take some time out to get ripped and play a bit of frisbee. After all, university is about fun, experimentation and experience. So, here are some great recipes: Recipe 2: Vodka that’s ripped (Here is a recipe that even a ‘dope’ could follow!) Recipe 3: Stoner’s Spaghetti Sauce (This recipe is rumoured to be a wonderful hangover cure, presumably due to the anti nausea properties in marijuana. It’s little wonder this amazing drug is used for medicinal purposes!) Ingredients 1 bottle of vodka (around 750ml) 1 to 2 grams on chopped Marijuana, stems and all Ingredients ½ a cup of chopped weed 2 table spoons of olive oil 1 can of tomato paste 2 chopped tomatoes ½ a chopped onion 1 pinch of pepper 1 can of water 1 clove of minced garlic 1 bay leaf 1 pinch of thyme (optional) ½ a teaspoon of salt Instructions 1. Consume a few shots of vodka (for fun and to avoid overflowing the bottle later). Funnel your chopped (or ground) weed into the vodka bottle. Replace lid and store bottle in a cool dark place (like a pantry), for a minimum of 3 weeks. Strain the weed out of the vodka and replace vodka into the bottle. Pour half a shot into a glass and add a mixer. Effects will be felt as soon as 5-10 minutes. Recipe 1: The Bob Brownies (These babies have been tarted up a little since Grandma’s originals!) 2. 3. Ingredients 4. 1 gram of ground weed 200g butter (margarine won’t work) 200g unsweetened chocolate 250g sugar 4 eggs 200g flour a splash of vanilla essence 100g dark chocolate 5. 6. Instructions 1. 2. Heat oil in a large pot and add chopped onion. When onions are browned add the remainder of the ingredients, adding the water slowly and the salt last. Cover the mixture and it to simmer for two hours. Then serve it over spaghetti. Buon Appetite! Instructions 1. 2. Melt butter in saucepan over a low heat Once butter has begun bubbling, mix in the ground up weed and stir it for at least 10 minutes. Avoid letting the mixture steam too much. Melt the chocolate into the butter, stirring constantly. Once all the chocolate has melted add the vanilla essence. Remove mixture from heat and stir in sugar, little by little. Beat the eggs and mix them in Stir the flour into the mixture. Use an electric mixer on low to get all the lumps out of the mixture. Break the dark chocolate into individual pieces and stir in. Pour the mix into a shallow pan and bake in the oven on a medium heat for around 40 minutes. Test them with a toothpick when you think they are done and happy munching!! Note: Don’t go to town on this mixture too quickly. A friend of mine had too much and became paranoid and confused. She said she couldn’t tell if she had to pee or she was just cold. It can get messy…. 3. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. I hope that these recipes are enjoyed by students throughout the year, particularly first years who may be just beginning to dabble in illicits. The only other advice I can offer you is that when they say that smoking pot makes you unmotivated- they’re wrong! You can still do everything you would straight, you just realise it’s not worth the fucking effort. And next time someone tells you that smoking pot is wrong, tell them that a great man (Willie Nelson) once said that Marijuana is not a drug. It’s but a herb or a flower that God put here. And God put it here because he wants it to grow. So what gives the government the right to fuck it all up? 29/ Lifestyle ng hi at Lo ’s nd ald a ng cDon ki M Pu in - Lawson Fletcher Sometimes the skinniest of people can live so ‘fat’. I am one of these people. Since some point in the gaping hole of a holiday between finishing Year 12 and beginning uni I developed an addiction to eating McDonalds. I’d always liked the stuff, but it was in that summer of 2005/6, when the golden arches had firmly solidified their standing in the quaint coastal town I called home (despite fiery stickers emblazoned over many residents cars declaring “Keep Torquay Mac Free”), that I started eating it like it was going out of fashion. Having not much to do until uni started, I’d find myself rising at 12 or later and hopping in the car for a trip to the drive-thru for a breakylunch from Maccas. I started to learn the names of the drive-thru cashiers, and was thoroughly embarrassed by this; however it certainly didn’t stop me. I knew I shouldn’t have been eating it that often (I’d seen Super Size Me), I knew McDonalds were the symbol for all that is despicable about capitalism (I’d read Fast Food Nation), I knew there was better, healthier food in the fridge – but none of this stopped me. That’s the thing about McDonalds, it’s the modern culinary doublethink that I’m sure so many of its customers go through. Something like “I know this is shit for me, I know McDonalds exploits every person that comes under its midst, I know I’m eating something that barely classifies as food, but hey it’s tasty and what the fuck I’ll eat it anyway!” If I was in the mood for intellectualising, I’d probably suggest that this sort of thing is symptomatic of our feeding-tube attachment to American culture that has been on the rise since Britain lost its parent culture role somewhere amidst WW2. Eating and therefore supporting McDonalds means you are: selfish, lazy, duped, ‘doing anything as long as it feels (tastes) good’ – in short, you are an American. But I’m not in the mood for intellectualising. As uni began, my habits took a bit of a back seat – as there was no franchise close to Monash Clayton I was fortunately forced to eat at The Den, and various other more respectable dining institutions that litter the campus. Yet this was only lunch for three days of the week. I’d still find myself gulping down a Quarter Pounder meal on the way to work, or forgoing cooking some pasta for an easy trip to the drive-thru when at home alone. Then uni stopped and I was off again, consuming the shit almost once every day for weeks straight. Nothing made sense about it. I’d come up with justifications for why I ate it. The taste - yes that’s a big one but I’d honestly go a well-made sandwich over a greasy Big Mac any day. The speed and affordability – in a way, it’s easy, but at some point I started adding a cheeseburger to my large McValue meal and along with their incessant and sneaky price increases of 15 ‘If I was in the mood for intellectualising, I’d probably suggest that this sort of thing is symptomatic of our feeding-tube attachment to American culture that has been on the rise since Britain lost its parent culture role somewhere amidst WW2.’ cents every six months or so, my cheap lunch was now clocking in at $8.50 a meal. As for speed, I would wilfully sit in the drive-thru line for upwards of ten minutes when on a lunch break at work (which only lasts half an hour) – meaning I’d get maybe five minutes to guzzle it down in the car on my way back to the grind. Despite all this, all of the ideological, economical, political, temporal and above-all health problems of engaging with this monolith, I continued on. Until one fateful night when coming back late from the Espy with my girlfriend (Leanne), we both decided we were peckish, and so stopped by the 24-hour McDonalds on Swanston Street, the one just down from Flinders St Station. And it was here, in this shiny, McDonalds version of modern decor, that I consumed what has since been and hopefully will always be my last McDonalds meal. Everything seemed as normal and innocuous as any other time, as we stood in line and then ordered a small cheeseburger meal each. But upon sitting down amongst the revellers, the tragic man shaking over a bottle of wine and the glassy-eyed student staff, I ingested the most feral meal I’ve ever eaten. Don’t get me wrong – there wasn’t a hair or some other disgusting foreign object lodged in the burger, in fact the quality of the meal would have likely passed as fine on a normal day at McDonalds. Yet everything about it was off-putting: the chips - cold, over-salted, so saturated in cooking oil that finding bits of ‘potato’ was like striking gold; the burger – tepid, slapped together, with cheese unmelted yet somehow the patty massively over-cooked, and a film of grease across the bun that almost shone a reflection; the drink – of course, it was flat. I felt so unwell after eating this, and as I walked back to the car with Leanne I sat there thinking to myself, “I don’t feel like eating this ever again”. I made a silent pact with myself to not eat the stuff for as long as I could. It’s around a month since that night (probably more by the time this goes to print) and at the time of writing I haven’t eaten a scrap of food from that grease warehouse. I have gloated unnecessarily about giving it up only days into my hiatus – as if kicking McDonalds was either a) about as hard as getting off the junk, or b) an amazing act of human brilliance that somehow made me a better person. It doesn’t, of course – McDonalds will continue to fuck the world, and everyone’s stomachs, whatever I choose to eat, and my reasons for giving up (I had a bad meal, I don’t want to have a gut) weren’t that altruistic at all. But that fucker is gone. I’ve also been substituting it somewhat, eating at Grill’d and souvlaki places more than I used to, but lately I’ve been weaning myself off these venues as well, and can honestly say that dropping Maccas is the first step to a healthy lifestyle. I feel free, happy, energetic, and I’m starting to see muscles, rather than blobs, appear on my stomach again. So this is a call to all those out there under the sway of the golden arches. Give it up – it’s not that hard, you already know you should – liberate your intestines. 28/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Lifestyle - Naomi Snell Animal Rescue Raid Exposes Unhappy Hens Photographs from the raid taken on February 21st, 2007 The name ‘Happy Hens Egg World’ conjures up images of carefree hens roaming free in green pastures, living a blissful life with not a worry in the world. Unfortunately nothing could be further from the truth. On February 21st Animal Liberation Victoria’s (ALV) rescue team conducted its twenty-third raid on the euphemistically named farm which, in a tragic irony, happens to be the largest battery hen factory in Victoria. In order to gain entry to the farm, the rescue team had to squeeze through an electrified fence, while evading guard dogs and security lights on their way to the sheds. The conditions confronting them upon entry were shocking and astoundingly barbaric, yet regrettably far from surprising. The hens were kept in cruel and filthy cages, so small and overcrowded that the birds were barely able to stand up. Additionally, many of the birds had been cannibalised. Serial activist and founder of ALV, Patty Mark, described the scene. “[T]he birds are screaming, dead bodies are rotting in cages, bins of dead bodies are left in the sheds and sick and exhausted animals are left to fend for themselves in tiny cages with nowhere to move”. Ms Mark said that the sheds themselves were filthy and had an overpowering smell. All up, the rescue team recovered 18 malnourished and balding birds, that being as many as they could care for. And while with each raid the rescue team face possible trespass charges, Ms Mark has vowed that such rescue missions will continue and has urged anyone against animal cruelty to get involved in the fight. The Monash Clayton campus produced its own rescuer in first year Arts student, Callum Bryant. Bryant took on the rescue mission, choosing not to conceal his identity, and whilst this leaves him and fellow rescuers open to prosecution, the group are willing to face the consequences for their cause. Bryant stated, “I’d love to do jail time. Jail’s got some real prospects”. He also noted that whilst conducting the raid, he kept wondering, “which ones are the happy hens?” Bryant began volunteering with ALV eight months ago because he believed that the rights of animals needed protecting and he states that the rescues are about “going into places where animals are suffering, exposing and recording conditions, and getting the animals out.” Whilst ALV has taken on this issue and presented the RSPCA with evidence of the mistreatment of hens, the RSPCA is not tackling the issue. In a letter to Patty Mark, Greg Boland (the Inspectorate Services Manager of the RSPCA) stated, “You would be aware that we currently have 14 Inspectors to investigate cruelty issues across the State. The drought has impacted severely on the whole State, with increased complaints coming through to the RSPCA. This has resulted in a much heavier and increased work load for inspectors. The Department of Primary Industry is the most appropriate to investigate these matters. As such, I have forwarded your email through to them to investigate further.” This is where the plot thickens, as the stance of the RSPCA on battery farms is somewhat ambiguous. The RSPCA have a long standing connection with PACEFARMS, who are the largest producer of battery eggs in Australia. The RSPCA endorse PACEFARMS barn laid eggs and PACEFARMS have donated a significant amount of money to the RSPCA. Frank Pace (who runs PACEFARMS) is also a close personal friend of Hugh Wirth who has been the President of the RSPCA for over 30 years, as well as a close personal friend and business associate of Guido and Vince Colla, the two brothers who own Happy Hens Egg World. And, back in 1994, when rescues began at Happy Hens, Hugh Wirth advised the Colla brothers to “up their security,” which they did. At present the RSPCA has declined to comment this claim. ALV is currently planning to increase pressure on battery egg producers and since the raid at Happy Hens has vowed to increase future rescue efforts. The rule of law will not deter the animal rights activists like Byrant, who said, “I won’t feel any remorse if prosecuted, however I would feel remorse, if I was to stand back and do nothing as the dignity of an entire species is stamped out”. The birds taken from the rescue mission at Happy Hens Egg World are now being cared for as pets in and around Melbourne. 31/ Lifestyle ‘COCKBURGER’, AND OTHER SUCH THINGS TO EXPERIENCE! Most larger-breasted women (and perhaps some men) know the incredibly liberating experience of removing a tight bra after a long, hard day. The sensation that your assets have been freed into the world almost makes it feel like they’re expanding like balloons. In the same way, every guy must remember when he was 14, the tingly feeling received when his parents were out and he put his dad’s porn tape into the video player to have a look. The excitement was overwhelming! The oohs and aahs always sounded too loud, so it was turned down to the lowest it could go, but alas the volume difference between the muted TV and the lowest volume seemed enormous. Or perhaps it was that first time you had cyber sex, with that hot brunette from the United States, its slow going, only typing with one hand. It was a pity six years later, when you discovered you had lost your cyber virginity to a man. For all those people looking for equally liberating moments, look no further, for Lots Wife can help you experience these wonderful moments in life once more. The first thing you must experience - if you have not yet done so - is a nudie run. Whether it’s through your house, through a party, at camp or on campus, you are sure to feel liberated while doing it. Even if it does get you arrested. There is no greater feeling than having all your dangly bits wobble around in the wind as you make your way through crowds of laughing (or disturbed) people. If you do plan on doing a nudie run, make sure to do it with style. Wear appropriate footwear, because little twigs, stones and other sharp objects may be on the ground, and you do not want to be watching out for what’s in front of you while you enjoy your moments of exposure to the world. Don’t forget to shout out something loud and obscene to attract more attention to yourself, such as ‘Cock Burger’. After all, it’s no fun if people aren’t looking. Another way to liberate yourself is to visit an adult superstore, such as Sexyland. Oh the wonderful contraptions that can be found! Especially if shopping for a friend or significant other. One particular item that caught my eye was ‘The Great American Challenge’. It’s a dildo the size of an average thigh, hooked up with flashing lights, seven different modes of vibration and a consumer health warning (batteries not included). Being the testosterone charged competitive young men my friends are, we discussed which of us could handle the challenge, but have yet to try. If you plan to break up with your girlfriend, give her this gift as a going away present. It is sure to make a statement, whilst lifting your levels of liberation (and perhaps hers as well!). Another option is to phone a sex hotline, just to see what all the fuss is about. When you’re asked what you’re wearing, be sure to put on your sexiest, most seductive voice and describe in detail that you’re covered head to toe in stainless steel armour. Now don’t be stingy, detailed descriptions really turn up the heat during phone sex. Don’t hesitate to name every piece of armour you’re wearing. Gorget, pauldrons, cuisses, vambraces, breastplate, tassets and so on. Make sure you describe their lustre properties and whether they have leather articulation or hand articulation. If this hasn’t yet compelled the girl ‘on call’ to have a frenzied orgasm, put on your most ridiculous, medi- eval accent and describe your proposed sexual activities in innuendo. For example, “Thou art bent over in defeat, yielding the duel, and I thrust ye in the back with my lance, which penetrates through thy..”, and so on and so forth. The person on the other end of the line will be sure to love it, I promise you. It is important to experience these moments of liberation in life, as it gives you something to talk about when you’re older. The first time you discover that you have pubic hairs, doing a nudie run or impersonating a medieval Sean Connery over a sex line are all steps in your life essential to growing into a responsible, mature adult. The sex line may cost you a small fortune, and the great American challenge is a whopping seventy bucks, but there are some things in life that money can’t buy, and they are these liberating moments. Oh, and if you’re having trouble finding that raunchy hotline to call up, tune in to The Power Rangers, on channel 7 at 1:30am for inspiration. - Robin Huang 32/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Lifestyle 5 People From Whom Society Needs to be Liberated In society there are occasionally people that you look at and think that if you had a bullet and guaranteed amnesty, taking them out would definitely be a good option. Josh Brough examines 5 of his favourite contenders. 5. Brad Pitt and his blanching bride, Angelina Jolie. Following the modern trend to merge two words into a spurious amalgamation to save brain power and time – both of which are lacking in the mass media – we have the personification of our body image issues: Brangelina. They are one being, joined at the hip, I don’t doubt literally as well as figuratively. I’m sure even their sex is perfect. They are so flawlessly attractive, so ideal and faultless, so sublime in every way. If they were one iota more perfect, they would be ridiculed as freaks, burnt at the stake for being too damn hot. Instead, we just um and ah at their existence enviously, wondering, will I have abs like that at forty? Or why can’t my curvaceous body cause a thirty car pile up? Brangelina spent Christmas Day 2006 handing out presents to Colombian war refugees in Costa Rica. I spent Christmas mildly inebriated, arguing over who received the best presents and drank the most egg nog. Which camp do you fall into? Brangelina are the Twenty First Century’s equivalent of Mother Teresa and Ghandi. The only difference being, they are infinitely sexier; because really, who would listen to an ugly person in this day and age? Their good deeds are the mother of all guilt trips; somewhat akin to picture perfect Princess Peach from Nintendo’s Mario. Tubby Mario works so hard to get her the cake but does she even put out? I don’t think so. We work so hard to appear more like them, to do good deeds like them, but we inevitably fall short. You don’t look like Brangelina or Princess Peach if you eat cake. Maybe that’s where we go wrong. 4. K-Fed. Aka Kevin Federline, the no-talent, white trash, discount Eminem. Back up dancer, model (hah!), chronic malingerer, rapper, professional moocher, actor and most significantly, Britney Spears’ parasitical husband until dumped via a text message; yes, K-Fed, not even your wife respects you. K-Fed is living proof of the need for enforced sterilisation. If he were being tried for crimes against humanity in The Hague (and let’s face it, it’s looking increasingly likely with a new album looming) one of the crimes listed would be reproduction. The judge warbles, jowls rippling: “Order, order! Kevin Federline, you are charged with a most grievous transgression; daring to thrust your genetic offspring upon the world!” The crowd gasps. At least Brangelina adopts, K-Fed multiplies. Like a cancerous lung tumour. Perpetuating his genetic material in combination with Britney Spears’ is the single most potentially dangerous mixture since Hitler met Stalin. Imagine a being with the ability to annoy of both multiplied, the wealth to release over produced studio albums every two years and an inferiority complex that can’t be beaten. It’s a nightmare that wakes me almost every night. 3. Crazy Frog. The first time you hear the Crazy Frog ring tone you chuckle or maybe even laugh if you’re high or watching late night TV. But the six hundred and eighty-fourth time your brain is bombarded by a grey frog cackling manically like a two speed moped, you wonder what the world has come to. Yet you continue to be greeted by the horrific racket you thought was a product of your delusional mind. The Frog becomes a repetitive techno remix and, subsequently, a number one hit in the UK, Australia, New Zealand and most of Europe. It becomes a line of toys, two commercially successful albums, a video game and a TV series and you wonder, tearing your hair out in tufts of balding frustration… “How many variations does this frog have!? What is it, Pavarotti on ecstasy laced helium?” I say we do what the Queenslander’s do; run the fucker over. The Frog won’t laugh when you’re scraping it off your tyre with a spade. 2.Tom Cruise. Risky Business, Top Gun, and “You can’t handle the truth!”, you know and love him as the Mission Impossible guy and the man who ruined Oprah’s expensive couch. But there are things about Tom Cruise that his publicist didn’t tell you. First of all, our good ol’ Aussie come good, Nicole Kidman left him for Keith Urban - an alcoholic country and western singer. That would be a step down the proverbial ladder, if it wasn’t Tom Cruise we were talking about. If that isn’t a big enough hint, the fact that Cruise is a vehement Scientologist is. Anyone who believes in a pseudo-religion developed by an eccentric science fiction writer has got to have a few screws loose. Any semi-sane person with a shred of rationality cannot possibly believe that an intergalactic warlord named Xenu brought trillions of people to earth in a spacecraft and placed them strategically around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. (Narrative is adapted from Hercules: the Legendary Journeys and may not be representative of the story of Scientology). 1. George Dubya Bush. Young Shrub and his collection of warmongering, kitten drowning cronies, count as one individual because they possess the collective IQ of a single, albeit mildly retarded, human being. Corroborating evidence: Shrub possesses the most panache, the most raw, unbridled presidential material out of the lot. A man who has the public speaking ability of a turnip. A man who enjoys the verbal and linguistic faculties of a damp dish rag. A man who has as much political savvy as Mark Latham. Evidence to the contrary: nil. You know you’re not doing well collectively, as a planet, when the single most powerful individual would, anywhere other than his current office, be legally classed as a vegetable. Not even an intelligent vegetable; a squash or maybe a radish if he were lucky. 33/ Lifestyle Milk sucks, but you don’t have to. If you wouldn’t drink the milk from a cat, a dog or a monkey, what makes cow’s milk any different? Lots Wife investigates Animal Liberation Victoria’s campaign against dairy. Milk and other dairy products are substances that many of us consume daily without a second thought from where they come from. According to Animal Liberation Victoria (ALV) spokespeople, the Australian public is unaware of the sinister truth that lurks beneath the milk pale. Cows are placid creatures renowned for their maternal bonds. Despite this, calves are repeatedly torn from their mothers, who then grieve for days. Mothers are constantly milked at a rate ten times higher than what they would naturally produce in the wild; while their newborn babies are slaughtered for veal. In addition to chronic mastitis, dairy cows are also subjected to having their horns and tails cut off without anaesthetic. This has been known to cause bleeding for up to 12 hours. According to the ALV, the average cow lives five years, despite a natural lifespan of 25. Figures released by the National Land and Water Resources Audit, reveal that dairy is the highest user of irrigation water in Australia. It takes a massive 4, 000 glasses of water to produce a single glass of milk. Deforestation to create land for grazing has reduced our natural habitat and contributes to global warming. Vegan enthusiasts argue that the claim that dairy is good for you is false. A pioneering health study conducted by Harvard University followed the calcium intake of 78, 000 women for 12 years. It revealed that those who fulfilled their calcium intake via dairy broke more bones than those who rarely drank milk at all. Proponents of the vegan lifestyle say the best source of calcium is from green leafy vegetables. ALV President, Patty Mark, urges consumers to look at the bigger picture. “It’s time for us to look dairy straight in the eye for what it is- food for calves”. Though-out history, no other animal has ever consumed the milk of another species aside from humans. This is what leads the ALV to their conclusion that it is simply not natural. This claim is backed up the American Academy of Paediatrics who recommend that infants under one year old avoid cow’s milk. Mark is passionate about making these startling facts public knowledge. Alongside Freda, a life-size realistic looking synthetic cow, she has launched the MILK SUCKS anti-dairy campaign. To demonstrate just how unnatural the ALV believe it is for humans to drink cow’s milk, the campaign involves the shock value of different members positioning themselves underneath the cow and suckling at her teats throughout regular intervals. The ALV plans to target every major Dairy Industry event until their voices are heard. Fashion Liberation Fashion has long been more than merely the clothes on your back, more than a random composition of incidentally-existent garments. Fashion has been consistently used, both individually and collectively, as a means of self-expression. Be it to express a political affiliation, to look the same as your friends, to look different from your enemies (or as some call them, “the mainstream”), to convey class, taste, social status, sexual desirability, or just the fact that you like purple lycra, your clothes say something about you. For the early part of our lives, most of us are forcibly clad in a variety of generally identical terry-toweling onesies, followed by school uniforms and parental-approved outfits. And to an extent, we follow their lead. We wear the colours our Dad compliments us on, or the dress shape out Mum says suits us best. But if you’re lucky, there will come a moment – a breakthrough – in which your inner style is liberated. My moment came when, after inheriting two closets full of my grandmother’s linen, I sat down at my sewing machine and made a skirt. While never a high performer in home-ec, I somehow managed to create an ankle-length A-line skirt from some purple and blue original 1970s towels. However, this was not my moment of couture freedom. Liberation of some thing as external as fashion cannot be accomplished in one’s bedroom. One must proudly display the garment, in a public statement of ownership and self-definition. So I wore it to school. However, your fashion liberation need not be so publicly humiliating. It may have already happened that day you wore a ribbon as a belt, or giant wooden parrot earrings, or something as small as going without makeup and a blow dry for a day. But if you haven’t experienced the thrilling, tingling, exhilarating rush of your own fashion liberation, I urge you: live beyond directly copying the fashion spreads in Cosmo, live beyond Sportsgirl; live beyond what your best friend wore last week. Whether you are currently supporting or rejecting the notion of “fashion”, I beg of you – look deep inside and step out of what you would normally wear. If your look is goth/emo but something about fluro green excites you, go for it! If you’re a label queen but you hear a market stall necklace calling your name, listen! Break free of your fashion rut – burn your bra, wear a corset, dress like a punk – but be yourself. Your clothes say something about you. Let them speak the truth. - Michelle Esnouf 34/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Arts &Theatre theatre review the spook avi lipski The Spook By Melissa Reeves. Directed by Tom Healey Merlyn Theatre, Malthouse Theatre February 16 – March 10 2007 Director Tom Healey’, in his notes in The Spook’s program, describes the play’s protagonist, Martin Porter, as ‘our fantasy Australian: young, innocent, with the best of intentions and a heart of gold.’ Indeed, playwright Melissa Reeves has created a truly likeable leading character, a man who is approached by ASIO in the mid-1960s and naïvely agrees to spy on the Bendigo division of the Australian Communist Party. In fact, Reeves has shaped a play that is immensely likeable, full of bursts of clever humour and enough twists and turns to maintain that integral ingredient of all good spy stories: suspense. Martin’s foray into the realm of communist party politics is simultaneously fascinating and terrifying. As he finds himself being drawn further and further into the party’s inner turmoil, his reports to ASIO of his findings become increasingly frenzied, and Martin’s desperation and anxiety grow. It doesn’t help that his well-intentioned young wife, Annette (Alison Bell), is concerned and frustrated by his absence, and his conservative mother Trixie (Margaret Mills) has suffered a stroke. As the play progresses, we become more and more embroiled in the complex web of affairs that surround the Party and watch, enraptured, as its members duck and weave their way through the various crises in which they find themselves. The Spook is, for the most part, a thoroughly enjoyable production, masterfully directed by Tom Healey with a colourful, fabulously mod set and costume design by Anna Borghesi. The cast give mostly solid performances, particularly the delightful Alison Bell. Bell shines as Martin’s wife Annette, and steals the scene as the nervous Party member Jean and in her cameo appearance as a fierce, butch policewoman. Tony Nikolakopoulos is hilarious as George Tosakis, a Greek immigrant with a shady background. Maria Theodorakis takes a while to warm into her role as George’s wife Ellie, she ultimately gives a powerful performance in the play’s second act. Luke Ryan brings charm and affability to his performance as Martin Porter, and for the most part, the actors’ character transformations are smooth. Reeves’ script serves the actors well, and though it could probably do with a bit of tightening, the writing manages to capture the essence of country life in conservative 1960’s Australia. Though the plot is fictional – and sometimes quite improbable – the story is based loosely on true events, and this fact gives the script added buoyancy. At times elements of the story bare striking resemblance to current governmental approaches to surveillance: The Spook explores a time where the promotion of fear and mistrust were the predominant tactics used by the government of the day. It is easy to see why the play is relevant now, forty years later, and even though the ‘threat’ of Communism is no longer present, this play gives the opportunity to pause and reflect on our country’s political history. coming up at the comedy festival... Andy Zaltzman Detonates 60 Minutes of Unbridled Evening 5 – 29 April Melbourne Town Hall Leaving no political hot potato untouched, Andy Zaltzman unleashes his unique and super-sharp brand of riotous logic on Australian audiences for the first time in 2007. Witness elaborate conspiracy theories constructed from mere nuggets of information. He is mind-boggingly good, despite that he is English, loves cricket, and more than slightly resembles Ronald McDonald. Andy has swiftly established himself in the vanguard of British stand-up with his unique brand of political comedy. He recently teamed up with fellow comedians John Oliver and Chris Addison to write, record and co-star in the comedy show The Department for BBC Radio. The Observer calls him ‘a genius in the making’ and Time Out London declares him ‘The best political comedian in the business.’ Lot’s Wife has four double passes to see Andy Zaltzman on Saturday April 7th at 8.30pm. The first four people to email Avi at aclip@student. monash.edu.au will receive a double passto the show, so get in quick! decides to seek asylum in another country. The show addresses current debates about national identity at a time when Australian flags are selling in record numbers and David Hicks battles Paris Hilton for newspaper space. Featuring an official apology from the guy who wrote the Australian anthem, For We Are Young And Free imagines a world where Paris Hilton reads Bertrand Russell, Dancing With The Stars has some actual stars on it (Jackson Pollock and Frida Kahlo do the Samba), and Australian democracy is held accountable. Lot’s Wife is offering four double passes to see For We Are Young and Free on Wednesday 4th or Thursday 5th April. The first four people to email Rita at info@forweareyoungandfree.com. au will receive two tickets to either show. For We Are Young and Free Fortyfivedownstairs, 45 Flinders Lane 4 – 21 April Tuesday – Saturday 7pm For We Are Young And Free is a play about a girl who gets so sick of Australian politics that she Sideshow Alley: The show that didn’t happen The day before this issue’s article deadline I conducted a phone interview with Alex Rathgeber, a cast member of a new Australian musical called Sideshow Alley. The show was due to make its way down to Melbourne in March after premiering at Brisbane’s QPAC theatre. The interview went brilliantly – Alex was a lively and enthusiastic subject, full of excitement and optimism about a project he felt passionately about. Come deadline day and I am madly typing up the interview when the news reaches me: Sideshow Alley’s tour has been cancelled. It is not coming to Melbourne. It is not coming anywhere. It will continue its Brisbane run, close, and never be heard of again. This news is immensely sad – not just for the show’s cast, crew and creative team who have poured their hearts and souls into a new Australian work they truly believe in. It is sad for the audience members around the country who will be denied the opportunity to see something new and different from the usual glitzy musical theatre fare. And it is sad for the next generations of musical writers and composers in this country, who face even slimmer chances than before of seeing their work come to fruition in a full production at a real theatre. It is clear that producers are hesitant about taking risks on new Australian work. First, a brief history: Sideshow Alley is a musical by Gary Young and Paul Keelan which won the inaugural Pratt Prize for a New Musical Theatre Work in 2002. The Pratt Prize is the only award in Australia aimed at the development and production of new Australian musical works, and awards $80,000 every two years to an original work of musical theatre, comprising of a cash prize of $50,000 and a workshop production to the value of $30,000. Matthew Robinson’s Metro Street won the prize in 2004, and in 2006 the judges decided to commission two of the prize’s six finalists to create new musicals rather than awarding the prize to one winner alone. The news that Sideshow Alley would receive a commercial production was a big deal. Everything about the show was new, and it was a huge encouragement to the industry that producers would be willing to take a risk on a new Australian work that didn’t centre on a known story or the songs of an established artist like Dusty or Priscilla. The show received a number of workshop productions – the first of which directed by the acclaimed Gale Edwards, before being scheduled for a full production in Brisbane with plans to bring the show down to Melbourne’s Crown Palladium and then to tour around the country. Evidently, this was not meant to be, and whether it was the bad publicity or poor ticket sales, the producers announced that the show was not financially viable enough to tour. Australia’s music theatre industry is a fickle one. For the most part, the shows that do terrifically are international imports – Broadway hits like The Producers, or West End smashes like Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera, which will see a return season in Melbourne later this year. But original Australian musicals do not have a particularly high success rate, and no-one really knows exactly why this is. Are we ashamed of seeing our own lives reflected on the musical stage? Or is it just that no-one so far has managed to write an Australian musical that captures commercial audiences? If we knew the answer to these questions then our industry would be in a very different place to where it is now. Avi Lipski 2007 and 2008 are already lining up to be stellar years for music theatre in Australia. Coming to our shores in the very near future are Miss Saigon, Phantom, Guys and Dolls, Billy Elliot, Spamalot and Respect, all of which have been phenomenally successful either overseas or previously in Australia. Add to this the musicals being produced by the new national music theatre company, Kookaburra in Sydney this year: Pippin, Company and Floyd Collins. The Production Company will produce three musicals here in Melbourne, which goes some way to demonstrate that musicals as a theatrical form are well and truly thriving. In terms of Australians producing our own work, however, we still have a long way to go, and the failure of Sideshow Alley is testament to this. So for the five people still reading this article, and for the two of the five that actually like music theatre, I beg you – please support new Australian work. If you hear something’s on, and it vaguely interests you, just buy a ticket. You never know: you may just save a show from being axed, and you will be supporting an industry that has made an incredible impact on Australia’s cultural landscape. For more about musicals www.theproductioncompany.com.au Melbourne’s The Production Company puts on three shows a year. The company is also home to the Pratt Prize. www.aussietheatre.com An extremely comprehensive guide to what’s happening in professional musical (and legit) theatre all over Australia. An invaluable source. Australia’s new ‘national’ music theatre company, headed by veteran Peter Cousens, will premiere three musicals this year and also aims to develop new Australian work in their creative development wing called “The Nest”. www.theatrepeople.com.au A guide to what’s going on in Melbourne’s amateur musical theatre scene. www.kookaburra.org.au www.broadwayatbedtime.com The website supplement to the weekly radio segment on Joy 94.9FM which airs every Sunday night between 9-11pm. The show is a fabulous insight into what’s happening in the industry right now. coffee with.. Yvonne Hi Yvonne. Tell me, what do you do? Well, I’m officially the Artistic Director of Monash Uni Student Theatre. An Artistic Director helps guide the artistic direction and projects of a company – and we really are a company. So there’s deciding what will be in that season, making sure it’s artistically interesting and diverse, marrying people with the right projects, directing a certain number of pieces myself, and overseeing various events and projects within the company that aren’t actually plays – things like the National Open Playwrights Competition, various workshops, development programs, events, and being a mentor to everyone involved. In this company I guess I’m also the General Manager, which means keeping an eye on the budget, looking for alternative sources of income, keeping an eye on all organisational processes, overseeing the technical side of things, running the theatre we’ve got in the Campus Centre, overseeing the PR programs, and liaising with the Monash Student Association (MSA), who provide the bulk of our funding. the year so that students are able to learn different things about performance making. At the aptly titled “Big Mouth Café” in St Kilda, Avi Lipski sits down for a chat with Monash Uni Student Theatre’s (MUST) Artistic Director, Yvonne Virsik, to talk about what she does and how you can be a part of MUST’s 2007 season. How do you think Voluntary Student Unionism will affect what happens at Student Theatre? Okay, we’re guessing a little bit – what we know is that the poor [MSA] Office Bearers who got voted in this year – the employees of the organisation – had to make a lot of decisions about what services to retain within the organisation because of the limited funding. And they decided that Student Theatre was an integral service to students and performs very well (haha!). The subsidy that the MSA provides to us has been cut, which means that obviously we need to keep making more money from our shows and spend less. We had a big student theatre committee meeting last year and brainstormed ways of doing this…[I guess] we’re going to try to increase the culture of, “Do we really need to buy that prop?” We’ll also be looking for alternative incomes such as sponsorship – which is hard for us, but hopefully the MSA is looking at trying to increase sponsorship for all departments. So hopefully we can continue to develop with alternative incomes. What’s happening in Student Theatre this year? This year we had so many student submissions that I’ve tried something quite different, and we’re being a bit ambitious in terms of student created work, which is really encouraging because what I’ve seen over the few years I’ve been there [at MUST] is the student interest in creating their own work and watching it grow, and I’ve seen the work inspire other students to maybe create their own pieces. I’ve accepted six student submissions this year, and I will also be directing a piece in first semester. [MUST Technical Manager] Jason Lehane is also a really accomplished theatre maker, so I’ve asked him if he’d like to direct something this year as well. And we don’t just do plays – we’re also looking at having weekly directors forums, dramaturgy sessions and workshops throughout of opportunities for young people [to express themselves artistically]. An enormous number of people in the arts in Melbourne have had some experience in student theatre. I guess the thing about Student Theatre – though this may change – is that we’re not as trapped by the pressure of income, so there’s an encouragement towards experimentation. It’s also about learning, and one of the things that [I’m proud of] is the number of people that we’re able to help get professional work [as a result of working with Student Theatre]…giving them the skills to create their own work. And also learning [things like] how to manage a theatrical team, learning to schedule, to think ahead, negotiation, problem-solving skills, maybe learning to manage budgets…all of these skills can be applied to another kind of career and I believe an employer will see these as quite valuable. It’s also a great way to meet people, especially in first year where it is very easy to get a bit lost. One of the things we don’t value enough in this country… is developing student work at this level, and if universities provide this hub of intense learning and discussion then they’re going to provide an environment where people can make commentary on each other’s work and push each other in the right way. So a tremendous breeding ground for our future culture as well. Can you tell me a bit about why you think Student Theatre is so important to the culture of the University, and to the students themselves? Well in general, I think in order for us to examine what the hell it is to be human beings, and to relate [to one another] within the complex structures that we create, art is really important… it creates a forum to bring people together to have a common experience; giving them something to think about and marvelling at what we as humans are capable of doing. Student Theatres specifically are so important here in Australia because of the lack How can students get involved in MUST this year? It’s pretty damn easy! The best thing that you can do if you’re reading this article is to come and see us. Pop into the office, have a chat and get on our email lists. It’s really good if we know who you are – if you come in and let us know what you’re interested in. If you want to learn something, don’t be afraid to ask. It does help to be quite realistic about how much time you can put into something, because it can be a big commitment. In terms of acting, most of our shows have auditions – but they’re very open and very relaxed. Just jump in and come see us! So what’s on at MUST this year? Semester 1 The O Show created by Tom Pitts and Alex de la Rambelje How I Learned to Drive by Paula Vogel Directed by Dominique Bongiovanni R&J – adapted from William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet Adapted and directed by Sean Mulcahy for the Monash Shakespeare Society Contemporary Dance Piece created by Pat Hill and Eryn Skinner …plus plays directed by Yvonne Virsik and Jason Lehane, the Dog’s Breakfast development program, various directing forums and dramaturgy workshops Semester 2 Stolen Footsteps by Daniel Lammin Directed by Jenny McAdam (Joint Monash Student Winner 2005 National Open Playwrights’ Competition) Captain Baghands and the Age of Cardboard Devised and directed by Zack Pretlove & Ben Mitchell The Real Inspector Hound by Tom Stoppard Directed by Danny Delahunty as part of the Melbourne Fringe Festival Urinetown Presented by Monash University Musical Company (MUMCo) Home Written, devised and directed by Steph Speirs This page was proudly brought to you by the Liberal Government’s passing of Voluntary Student Union legislation... 38/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Science the Lot’s Wife science quiz We all think we know a little bit about how our bodies work – how muscles contract to help us bend our knee, how the stomach produces acids to break down food – but what about all that mush inside our skull? That giant sponge controls almost every aspect of our lives, from our breathing, to our emotions. You might think you know a bit about the brain, but you can’t be sure until you’ve done the ultimate Lot’s Wife Quiz. It’s time to pick your brain, and find out if you really are a brainiac. are you a brainiac? (1) What is white matter? a) a collection of central nervous system axons b) important discussion points at KKK meetings c) the specks that appear when you stare at bright light (2) What does STS stand for? a) sexually transmitted supervisors b) side tract syndrome c) sagittal temporal sulcus (3) When would “mirror neurons” fire? a) when you observe another person grasping an object b) when you look at your reflection c) when you say the word “mirror” and the winner is... (9) What is neurogenesis? a) the theory that God is a giant Brain b) the process of growing new neurons c) the most famous neuroscience textbook – published in over 200 languages Between 0-7 So neuroscience really isn’t your thing. You whip out the word bipolar in reference to global warming, and think a neurotransmitter is part of your new Siemens F65-4000. This time, you have been sprung! So have a read, and learn some stuff, and if you don’t want to, that’s fine too. I’m sure you’re good at other things; like sculling yard glasses, running with your dog, or just spending mummy’s money. (4) What is the corpus callosum? a) the brain function of an unconscious person b) the Latin phrase for mind/ body/ soul c) a central structure in your brain (10) Which animal has the largest brain? a) Porpoise b) Wolf c) Baboon (5) What causes Parkinson’s disease? a) Damage to a group of cells in the midbrain b) Making too many ‘Back to the Future’ movies c) Damage to myelinated fibres Between 8-15 (6) How do dolphins sleep? a) They float in a secluded part of the ocean b) By continuing to swim and turning off half of their brain at a time c) Like humans, except on a ‘posturepedic’ mattress for better arch support (7) The insular cortex of the brain is most likely activated both when a) you smell something disgusting, and see an expression of disgust in someone b) you eat a really good cake, and watch someone cooking a cake c) you smell something disgusting and see Britney Spears shaving her hair Calculate your results a 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 2 0 2 1 2 0 2 1 0 2 b 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 2 0 c 1 2 0 2 1 2 0 2 1 1 You’re almost there! You passed biology in school with flying colours, and remember that the nervous system isn’t just active when you have to speak in public. But unfortunately you’re hardly a brainiac. You still think a dendrite is a small insect that feeds on wood (when it is really a type of neuron), and that the spinal cord is a band from The Simpsons. There’s a big brainiac world out there – so get involved, stop watching the Gabba and start reading about GABA. Between 16-20 You really are a brainiac! You know everything from psychology, to psychiatry, from pneumonia, to pseudonyms. And I’ll even bet that you know why a silent ‘p’ sits at the front of them all! You’re fascinated by all that mush in your head, and like Pinky’s better-half, Brain, you are secretly plotting to take over the world- one neuron at a time. If only you could get your head out of those books for five minutes, and watch some cartoons, you might have understood that joke. (8) What is the function of the somatosensory cortex? a) Allows us to cry b) Allows us to understand why Britney “I did not shave for a cure” Spears is still in magazines c) Allows us to understand touch sensations 39/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Science Survival in the melting Arctic Polar bears in the north of Alaska may be turning to cannibalism to survive. Climate change is shrinking polar ice caps, changing the living environment of the bears, and restricting their access to their natural food. Polar bears in the southern Beaufort Sea usually eat ringed seals, but now there are reports that a growing number of polar bears are preying on their own species. In the past, polar bears have been known to kill each other for dominance and reproductive advantage, but killing for survival was rare. Scientists examined three cases of polar bears preying on each other during a three month period in the north of Alaska. “During 24 years of research on polar bears in… [this] region, we have not seen other incidents of polar bears stalking, killing, and eating other polar bears,” the researchers said. The change in polar bear behaviour is a surprising indicator of how global warming is leading to the endangerment of many Arctic animals. Tonje Folkestad, a World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) climate change expert claimed that “if we don’t act immediately the Arctic will soon become unrecognisable…polar bears will be consigned to history, something that our grandchildren can only read about in books.” Currently, the area covered by summer sea ice in the Arctic is decreasing by 9.2 percent per decade and “will disappear entirely by the end of the century” unless the situation changes, WWF said. In February 2005 activists petitioned to list polar bears as threatened under the federal Endangered Species Act in the USA. This move (so far unsuccessful) has only been necessary due to the growing understanding and affect of global warming. Kassie Siegal, lead author on the petition highlighted the importance of the new findings. “It shows in a really graphic way how severe the problem of global warming is for polar bears,” she said. Researchers found the first kill in January 2004. By examining the outer wall of a polar bear den, the scientists concluded that a male bear had pounced on the den’s roof to collapse it, and kill the female inside. This method of attack wendy zukerman is comparable to the behaviour of polar bears when they prey on the ringed seal (here polar bears collapse the snow over the seal’s lair). After killing the female the polar bear dragged her 245 feet away, and ate part of the carcass. Adding further concern to the cannibalistic behaviour is the wider implication for polar bear populations. Females are about half the size of males, suggesting if future attacks were to occur, females would be the victims more often than not. In the two deaths studied, the females that died had cubs with them. When the den collapsed, two cubs were buried, and suffocated in the snow rubble. Currently, the diminishing polar bear population is primarily linked to ice caps melting. If a trend in cannibalism continues to grow due to climate change, by the end of the century, these creatures may be history. Bloodsuckers on Campus Mozzies, gnats, musketas, les moucherons, stechmucken, mygs, konopus, ‘those fucking little bloodsuckers’, or whatever you call them, there is little doubt that mosquitoes know how to make their presence felt. There are over 2500 known species worldwide, with over 400 of these calling our sunburned country home. Mosquitoes are insects belonging to the order Diptera, the True Flies, and are in the genus Anopheles – which incidentally means being ‘hurtful’ or ‘prejudicial’ in Greek. Although very small and squashable, mozzies are proven adversaries to humans. Over 1.5 million people die from malaria each year, mostly in Africa. Mozzies act as vectors, or carriers, for a number of well-known diseases in both the human and animal populations, including Ross River fever, yellow fever, dengue, Barmah Forest virus, kunjin and some kinds of encephalitis. The female mosquito possesses a fine, piercing, sucking mouthpart called a proboscis. Two canals run up the proboscis - one that sucks your blood while the other injects the mozzie’s saliva directly into your capillary. This saliva contains anticoagulants to stop your blood from clotting, allowing the mozzie to have an unfettered drink of blood. Although mozzies move freely from host to host there is no evidence of disease transmission like when using a dirty syringe. There are two separate canals, and viruses like AIDS or hepatitis cannot survive in the mosquito. The saliva entering the body triggers an immune response. Histamine is released in the area of the bite, causing the nearby blood vessels to enlarge. On many people, a hive (a red, swollen area) forms, and histamine irritates nerve endings in the skin, causing the familiar itch. The more frequently you’re bitten, the more severe the allergic reaction becomes. Some people seem to be targeted by mozzies more than others, and some people are not at all. It’s the luck of the draw. Prevention against mozzie bites is the best cure. If possible, avoid mozzie-infested areas, especially at dawn and dusk when they’re most active. Cover as much skin as possible. Wear long pants and a long-sleeved top. Apply mozzie-repellent to exposed areas of skin, reapplying regularly. If you’re out trying to enjoy a BBQ or have a campfire going, remember mozzies hate smoke. Use citronella candles, or put a load of wet leaves on the fire. Sure, it’ll irritate the crap out of your eyes, but mozzies hate smoke. Amuse yourselves by making smoke signals or something. Mosquitoes are attracted to the smell of beer, and love people wearing perfume. Scientists have also found mozzies to be attracted to smelly cheeses, which could explain the affinity of some mozzies for human feet. So watch out if you’re a beer-swilling, deodorant-wearing felicity edward student who’s just had a long day at uni (we’re all doomed!) When a little bloodsucker does get you, remember scratching is the worst thing to do. It increases the itch and may cause infection. Try to keep the infected area clean and dry until the irritation abates. There’re many remedies circulating. Make your own mind up about what’s best for you. Stingose is always handy. Putting ice wrapped in cloth or applying a baking soda paste directly on the bite site relieves irritation. I find my own saliva works well too: spit for a cause. If the swelling is bothering you a lot, use an anti-inflammatory drug such as ibuprofen or aspirin. Antihistamines can be used in severe cases, but if problems persist, see your doctor. Keep enjoying the outdoors kids, but just remember, they’re out to get you! 40/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Science look at the disease that haunts Monash every Friday morning cyril the scot takes a I have had the complete range of hangovers. I have thrown up and I have been incapable of moving for fear of throwing up. However, I have never doubted why I have a hangover. My wallet is lighter; my shirt smells of beer and cigarettes, and I have the phone number of Bonnie lass (or maybe it was just a lassie named Bonnie) on a metcard in my pocket. When I first started drinking I feared the hangover. I knew that I would feel sick, eat lots of junkfood and the day would be lost to dvds in the dark. As I have grown older I have learnt to respect and sometimes enjoy the throbbing buzz in my brain and the excuse to wear a butt shaped indent into my sofa. Although I have become one with the experience of the hangover, my native Scottish curiosity insists that I look further into the phenomenon that is the hangover. hanging over My exposure to many drunk and hungover people has taught me that people respond to alcohol differently and that their next-day response is necessarily varied. We all know the standard symptoms: those mentioned above, plus dehydration, the runs, the sweats and inability to read that bleeding constitutional law text. The first thing that I discovered about the hangover was its medical name: Veisalgia, which sounds more like something that might get stuck in your throat, like a chunk of last night’s souvlaki. Although there are several contributors to post-drinking pain, it appears that the big bad boss of causes is ethanol. Ethanol promotes dehydration, which makes the brain shrivel away from the skull. This goes some way to explaining the hangover headache. Also, the increased presence of acetaldehyde, a mild toxin and a byproduct of the body’s efforts to dispose of the ethanol, is likely to exacerbate the symptoms of the hangover. Through this research, I was happily able to prove my housemate wrong about the effect of the different kinds of alcohol. Apparently some forms of alcohol are more likely to give you a brain-crushing, toilet-hugging hangover than others. There are by-products of the fermentation process used to make alcohols such as brandy, wine, tequila, whiskey. These spirits are commonly called congeners, which heighten the effects of the hangover. Clear liquors, such as rum, gin and vodka, are distilled, not fermented, and are less likely to cause severe hangovers than their fermented cousins. Of course I went on to consider what I may do to reduce the impact of the death hangover. It appears that most of the ‘white-coats’ promote little more than water consumption to combat dehydration before and after boozing. I personally prefer and often practice my great grandmother’s famous remedy: three fingers of whisky taken at regular intervals through out the day. So next time your best friend is holding your hair out of the path of your projectile vomiting, you can close your eyes just as I did this morning, and marvel at the magnificent chemical reactions taking place within your belly and your brain. why there is no IQ in GAMSAT wendy zukerman The GAMSAT stands for Graduate Australian Medical School Admissions Test. As the name suggests it is a test for people who want to study medicine post-grad. It is the “unstudyable” test, designed for students to rock up on the day and have their intelligence tested. It could be considered the IQ test of all IQ tests, to decide who will join the rank and file of Australia’s elite and become… a doctor! *insert awe filled silence*. However, my beef with the GAMSAT does not end here (eating Bessy the Cow would not end my beef with the GAMSAT). There is a section on the GAMSAT specifically for “language and English”, with multiple choice questions designed to analyse poetry and short stories. How clever these examiners must be to put poetry into a four choice option! Picture it: “When Sylvia Plath wrote. ‘You do not do, you do not do/ Any more, black shoe’ in her poem Daddy, what does the shoe represent? a) Power b) Strength c) Conservatism d) Out of season style?” Next time they should ask students to draw up a poem on the “J. Evans Pritchard Scale”, a la Dead Poets Society. Thank goodness that Australia has a test to weed out the unpoetic; otherwise we might dampen the prestigious medical profession with the undeserving poor. Grrr…..! PS: To all my friends doing the GAMSAT this year, good luck! I know you would all be fabulous doctors, and if the Australian medical association doesn’t recognise that, then we can all move to Iceland. Rather than being “unstudyable” (yes, I understand that I may have invented that word, pretending that it is real, but considering the GAMSAT organisers invented the concept, I think we can all deal with it…) doctors and ‘entrepreneurs’ are charging thousands for willing students to pay for GAMSAT training (on top of the cost of the GAMSAT entry fee of $286). These students receive a book full of practice questions, and guides on how to answer the questions, with training sessions promising better scores on the GAMSAT or your money back. This is utterly ridiculous. It ultimately means that students, who can afford the training sessions, will receive a “heads up” not enjoyed by those who cannot, thus ensuring that the medical profession remains, as it has for centuries, in the hands of the upper-middle class. wendy zukerman explores the world of penis enlargements and whether they are all they’re cracked up to be All through our lives we are exposed to jokes about “size”. Anytime someone whips out a comment as innocent as “I have a long surfboard” or “That banana is huge” someone else will inevitably snigger to themselves. But metaphors aside, this time I’m actually talking about penises, and their size. With breast enhancement surgery being a relatively safe and (unfortunately) a well accepted phenomenon, penis enlargement surgery comes up rather short, that is, if anyone cums up at all. Penis enlargement surgery, also called phalloplasty, includes a wide range of surgical procedures including penis lengthening surgery, penis widening surgery in the flaccid and erect state and glanular enhancement. Dr. E. Douglas Whitehead (his real name, I kid you not) is an associate Clinical Professor of Urology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York who specialises in male genital surgery, and according to his web site, approximately 95% of his practice involves phalloplasty. Penis lengthening surgery is performed using several methods including fat implants to add girth. However, Dr. Whitehead uses a more specialised method that he deems a safe approach to penis enhancement. This method involves cutting two ligaments (the fundiform and suspensory ligament) that attach the erectile bodies to the pubic bone. This incision releases the penis from the bone, allowing it to extend beyond its original size. The suspensory ligament usually makes the penis arch under the pubic bone, by cutting it, the penis extends on a straighter path giving a longer physical appearance. The incisions made are approximately 1” to 1½”, and according to Dr. Whitehead’s web site, this is a relatively minor procedure, with a low risk. Despite this claim, the site does list several risks including shortening of the penis, bruising, bleeding, infection, reduction in penile sensation and erectile dysfunction. Furthermore, according to LiveScience’s Bad Medicine Columnist, Christopher Wanjek “there is no safe way to enlarge one’s penis; and for the vast majority of men, there is no reason to do so.” After interviewing Dr. Karen Boyle, director of Reproductive Medicine and Surgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Wanjek concludes that the risk of penis enlargement surgery is very high, claiming “there’s a very good chance a man will lose sensation or the ability to have an erection”. Dr. Boyle strongly discouraged all patients with normal, functional penises getting penis enlargements surgery, stating they “…do not work and... shouldn’t be performed.” Penile surgery is encouraged only for men born with a congenital abnormality, who have suffered an injury, or who have severe erectile dysfunction. In this situation, men start with a non-functioning penis for sexual purposes, so benefits from the surgery outweigh the possible risks. The irony of the whole surgery is that, for the most part, size doesn’t matter. Penis sizes do differ, but the biggest difference is in the flaccid penis (which fluctuates between 1 and 4 inches for most men). This variation is usually made up when the penis is erect, where it reaches an average size of between 5 and 6 inches. So one of the great mythconceptions of our time that flaccid length predicts erect length, is a farce. Furthermore, according to Wanjek, in vaginal sex any erect penis 4 inches or longer, is enough to stimulate the erogenous tissue in the vagina, and “a penis longer than 8 inches can ram into the cervix and cause discomfort”. (NB: Ram, his words, not mine). One of the largest studies on penis size (so sometimes size does matter), involving 3,000 men, was published by Italian researchers in the International Journal of Impotence Research in 2002. They reported that most men seeking penis enhancement were within the normal size range, but they greatly overestimated the size of an average penis. Men thought that the average flaccid size was about 5 inches, with some venturing as high as 6.5 inches. In fact, according to the Italian study, a 7-inch erect penis would place you in the 99th percentile. Not surprisingly, these studies are hidden away from Dr. Whitehead’s website which claims that penile enlargement surgery can improve self-esteem and quality of life. It goes even further to state, “With respect to feelings of penile inadequacy…even if it is normal, the results of such surgery frequently will improve his sexual and machismo image and positively affect his interactions with sexual partners, co-workers and professional associates.” It all just makes me wonder what we are all doing with our degrees at Monash – if Dr. Whitehead is right, and interactions with co-workers and professional associates are coupled with the size of penises I am going to be in big trouble. And before all you boys whip out the sock and start stuffing, I’d avoid taking any advice from a man who’s name is Whitehead – and went in the business of penis enlargements. A little bit of self awareness, goes a long way (pun intended)! 42/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Cinema & Soap it’s all in the clues jeremy splitter Many TV watchers complain that the cluster of crime shows in recent years has produced dozens of carbon-copies: identical and indistinct shows about crime solvers and the crimes they solve. Many search desperately for the features of these shows that distinguish them from all the others. Here’s why you don’t need to be a detective to tell them apart. CSI Focusing more on the forensics and the minutiae of crime scenes, this is the crime show for science buffs and anyone more interested in the clues and crimes than the characters. CSI, unusually, tries to be more artsy and specialeffectsy than other crime shows. Law and Order The granddaddy of them all. Law and Order started the trend of archetypal characters in crime shows. The blue print begins with the crusty older cop and his younger, by-the-book partner and continues with the well-meaning Judge who is more often than not bound by some clause of the law and unable to help “without more evidence”. Particularly when the suspect is very clearly guilty. A solid if conservative and formulaic show if you don’t want too much complication and surprise. CSI: Miami It’s just like CSI, except in Miami! CSI: NY You wouldn’t believe what this one’s about. Veronica Mars Typically for a younger crowd, Veronica Mars deals with longer, sometimes season-long mysteries. The show’s clever, funny dialogue and pop-culture wit make it stand out as a darker, smarter OC (that just happens to be about solving mysteries). Mars doesn’t follow the usual template of crime shows, as the mysteries are much closer to the characters’ homes and the show cares much more about its cast than its cases. Law and Order: SVU SVU has some similar characters to its predecessor, but the leading characters get more attention and importance. The mysteries are always to do with sex or children – “SVU” stands for “Special Victims Unit” – and bonus points for both! Not good for a light hearted romp through fairy land. Watch out for every second episode, where Elliot “dramatically loses control”! NCIS Deals with higher profile cases, and does it well. Much more focused on characters and their development, NCIS adds some muchneeded personality to the otherwise pretty stale world of crime shows. NCIS is more like a medical show (eg. House), where the mystery is secondary to the characters. Unless, you know, the case involves one of the characters (see: Abby gets a stalker; Ziva kills a man; the Director gets kidnapped; Gibbs gets shot). Law and Order: Criminal Intent Detective Goren makes this one more fun than the others, because you can mentally race him to the investigation’s finish line. Unlike the other two, the case-breaker in CI is typically an intuitive guess of Goren’s. If you like watching really smart guys do their thing, Criminal Intent is the show for you. Ignore his partner; she’s boring. Magnum, PI It’s an older crime show, to be sure, but it’s great fun to see what adventures Tom Selleck’s giant, manly moustache gets into. film review: ‘smokin’ aces’ hayley ricketson Guy Ritchie, anyone? The phenomena that is ‘Tightass Tuesday’ led me to Joe Carnahan’s hard-hitting, ‘Gangsta’ crime/drama/thriller that is ‘Smokin’ Aces’, and however enthralling and entertaining, it clearly derives its roots from a very specific source. The film’s plot revolves around wannabe mobster and subsequent snitch Buddy ‘Aces’ Israel, who has made the one enemy you don’t want to make in the underground world of the Mafia: Primo Sparazza. The result is a well-crafted and edited film with all the signature visual effects of any Guy Ritchie film that moves at a quick pace which doesn’t slacken, and a sharp script full of wit that, while mostly fresh and original, will occasionally remind you of Snatch or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. This is not to say that ‘Smokin’ Aces’ is simply a rip off of any other Guy Ritchie film or a cheap imitation. Instead, the impression given is a man who is brave enough to admit to his influences so as to create a specific atmosphere within the film. He then ads a personal touch that sets his film aside from Snatch and all the others. His film has, for lack of a better word, heart. Not in the most cliched sense of the word, but in a more painful and dramatic one. Instead of throwing all the violence away as a punch line, Carnahan digs a little deeper and pulls out a meaning. All in all, I found Smokin Aces a well made film with a cast full of big names, who don’t show up any other fellow actors but put in their part to create a true ensemble work. phil rouse Rather than another rant for the editorial section of the cinema, I decided that this time round I would give some rough outlines that you will hopefully find interesting (if nothing else it’s impressive party banter!). Basically, this article is a rough outline on the way feminism is studied and used as a theoretical background for the study of cinema. From the outset, I DON’T CLAIM ANY EXPERTISE in this subject. For an in-depth understanding of the ins and outs of feminism refer to another one of the lovely Lot’s Wife sub-editors for such information. What I do know however is how the fundamental principles of feminism are applied to cinema and how films are sexist, patriarchal or misrepresentative according to that theory. So without further ado, let the lesson begin: The watershed of feminist film theory was Laura Mulvey, with her article ‘Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema’. This was a large and extensive article and the centre of much academia both for and against it in later years. Mulvey’s first principle was the idea that Freud developed of Scopophilia – namely the pleasure of looking. As this suggests, along with one of her headings: ‘woman as image/man as bearer of the look’, the key to this kind of feminist theory (the psychoanalytic theory), is that men gain a level of sexual pleasure and satisfaction by watching women on film. This is the basic idea, which is then theorised by Mulvey to describe how cinema shapes it’s formal aspects (like lighting, camera angles, a dummies guide to scopophilia mis-en-scene etc), to increase and accentuate the idea that the woman on screen is the spectacle. According to Mulvey the camera acts as the male spectator-ship, and thus all witnesses of the cinema will have the male point of view (hence the obvious problem for feminist equality). Mulvey dubbed this the ‘“masculinisation” of the spectators position’, which means that it does not matter on the gender of the person who is watching the film, they will automatically be subjected to the male point of view. This point of view argument is nothing new to critical feminist studies, and most studies of literature will argue that there is a predominant lack of female perspective. Film however imposes a whole host of new and interesting problems, due to the fact that it introduces the actual image of the female body to be ‘looked at’. Once again going back to Freud, this being ‘looked at’ points out sexual difference and invokes within a male psyche the fear of castration. This fear is contained by neutralising the threat with the use of highly stylised imagery (think the ridiculous over the top body shots of women in Baywatch), this causes the male viewer to forget the threat of castration by making the image unbelievable. This stylised image is a fetish-like state that stands in for the missing penis of a woman, and thus disavows the knowledge of castration with the male viewers new belief in the power of the fetish (the fetish being the compensatory object). The feminist problem with this is fairly obvious, as it exploits the female body image into something that is non-threatening and fairly inept beyond a sexual object. Mulvey points out another way in which cinema overcomes the threat to its male viewers, and that is the idea of exploration and ultimately punishment or redemption of the guilty party, in this case the female. This can be viewed in countless films from the past 60 years and particularly in the genre of film noir, where the entirety of the crazy filmed world is made stable by being able to pin the blame on the femme fatal. This is generally known as the voyeuristic-sadistic film, where by the audience are voyeurs but are witnesses of some form of power over the female party. Once again the feminist stand on this would be fairly predictable. This is only a very basic outlining of how feminist theories are applied within the critical cinematic world, for those who want a much more in-depth understanding of such things there are literally hundreds of books in the various libraries around Monash and abroad to fill you in. For the rest of you, commit as much of this to memory as possible, it will make you sound intelligent at parties and people will be impressed not only by your understanding of feminist theory but also your detailed knowledge of modern cinema. Use with caution though... don’t get branded a wanker!!! 44/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Cinema and Soap Putting Your Family First... Usually, the call for removing excess violence from TV is the appeal of political parties like Family First, or concerned parental groups who want to feed their children fluffy lies and happiness for the rest of their lives – both of whom I personally dislike. So it might come as a surprise that someone who thinks the message in Fight Club is a positive one, would be writing about the excess of and desensitization to violence both on television and in movies. Of course, we all know that television and movies are, for the most part, unreal. They skew and portray, edit and touch up reality to the point that it’s not really real at all. And this is the main reason many of us watch it, because who would really like to sit around and watch normal people do normal things like eating and sleeping, 24-7? (Big Brother fans, I have nothing to say to you.) We know that just because something is seen as realistic on the screen doesn’t mean it can or will happen, and anyone who has even been forced to sit through the incredibly unrealistic special effects of Charlie’s Angels can testify to that. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we aren’t acclimatizing ourselves to it. For example, any number of movies these days include torture or violence to some extent, and within the context of the movies we watch and enjoy the story, the show, the performance. We play video games that involve rewards for killing, and we enjoy good, realistic fight scenes. Still, we know that it’s all fiction, because we wouldn’t really run around LA shooting police, or emotionlessly watch a girl getting raped. Nor do we stare in idolising awe at how well someone is punching someone else’s head in. Yet in today’s day and age, where the whole world is becoming more accessible at the simple click of a button, people appear to be densitised to such acts. Instead of feeling Kathryn McNally looks at the debate surrounding violence on television the passion and outrage that might have been observed in the sixties or seventies, we’re muttering under our breaths, shrugging off events which ‘someone should do something about’. Since 9/11, and the coalition troop deployment into Iraq (whether you consider it an invasion or a mission) there have been increasing instances of footage shown on both television and the internet depicting torture or kidnap victims held at gunpoint to speak to a camera. Imagine being one of those people; in fear of your life, with a gun held to your head in a strange place, not knowing what is going to happen. Perhaps watching others shot dead in front of you: have you ever seen a real dead body? We see such footage on television and at the movies every day. We think we know the reality of the situation because of the representations we see on screen, but all of us have admitted at one time or another that they’re not real images, they’re only actors who, once the scene is shot, will get up and have a nice warm shower to wash of the fake blood, then jump into their landcruiser and drive home to their mansions, where they can sleep in peace. I don’t think violence should be banned from our screens – it’s a free world, and as inane as such scenes can get, they can still be an educational tool to some degree. Whilst we know that much of the violence that we see is not real, we should also consider that the things portrayed to us as reflections of real events are things that most of us are lucky enough to escape in our relatively safe lives. For others that endure such events, they are harsh, sick and stark realities. So whilst television isn’t real, there is a whole world out there full of things far worse than what they would ever be allowed to show on it. Kathryn McNally ‘Of course, we all know that television and movies are, for the most part, unreal. They skew and portray, edit and touch up reality to the point that it’s not really real at all. And this is the main reason many of us watch it, because who would really like to sit around and watch normal people do normal things like eating and sleeping, 24-7? (Big Brother fans, I have nothing to say to you.)’ SCRUBS: Season 6 Reviewed With only 5 confirmed episodes left in what is most likely the final season, it would appear that NBC’s medical comedy Scrubs is about to flatline for the last time. Scrubs has been a consistently funny drama for a full 5 seasons but due to a lack of room for character development, even the most hardened of fans would have most likely found the most recent episodes to be fairly sub par. The inventive fantasy sequences and witticisms have been done away with in favour of mediocre oneliners. The plot has become dry and lifeless and the characters themselves no longer have anywhere to progress since most are expecting children after a ludicrous spate of pregnancies. Some comic relief is still injected by Neil Flynn as the laconic Janitor, but on the whole it appears that the writers are attempting to tie up loose ends in preparation for a likely ending. Mid-season, however, saw an all-singing, alldancing Broadway musical episode which proved that there was still originality somewhere down near the bottom of the writer’s barrel. Those who are staunch advocates of this show will be enticed to watch until the end of the season but anyone new to the show will not be amused or converted. Try seasons 1-4 on DVD if you’re not yet initiated. For those of us who want to see an end to this classic comedy it appears we’ll have to endure long, wistful camera shots, half-arsed jokes and a newborn baby every 15 seconds before we get there. J.Cole 45/ Cinema and Soap Television producers, friends or foe? - Zev Zinokurov Television is like a dinosaur. It’s big. It’s bulky. It’s incapable of anything but the shakiest, most awkward movements. Yet unlike our extinct, reptilian brethren, the television remains alive and well in the habitats of our living rooms. To spend hours of my time watching television, as so many others do, seems like an enormous waste of time. Television is the enemy. Television is addictive. Television is the terror that creeps in the night, ready to steal away our innocence without warning. It is repugnant, awful and evil. Today’s television shows range from cheap melodramas to overblown thrillers, with very little inbetween. Occupying the first pole are shows such as Desperate Housewives or Grey’s Anatomy. The former is desperate only to grab the viewer’s attention; the latter is a tired visitation of the standard character based hospital drama. All of which seems to suggest that people lead more interesting lives when they spend part of their time cutting bodies open and the other part humping like mad. Suspension of disbelief becomes particularly difficult when they do both in quick succession. Then there’s Lost. Imagine yourself stuck on an island with a bunch of people who have nothing in common with you. There you are forced to interact and develop relationships with people you would otherwise never meet. There are countless opportunities for conflict and drama. And best of all, everyone’s stuck on an island and can’t leave if they hate each other—thereby letting the writers wreak havoc without caring about such things as people breaking up or losing touch. But Lost is a slave to Television and Television will brook no character development within its unhallowed halls. Much like a prisoner tortured on the rack, Lost is stretched out until whatever weak form it once had is destroyed. Rarely, if ever, has a television show gone gracefully into the night, and shows such as Lost are no exception. Exchanging cheap thrills for storyline may work for a while, but eventually the show will become a victim of its own plot holes. It is a sad reality that Television simply has no future as a medium if it continues in its short-sighted attempts at money-grabbing. Networks would do well to remember that melodrama might temporarily sustain their profits, but far fewer people will purchase a DVD when the show features an increasingly improbable series of appearances by the bomb squad. Shows that initially seem to lie outside the stereotype find themselves dragging on without any conceivable end as they struggle to adhere to their slavish taskmasters’ demands. Eventually they too must fall to the wild beast that is shortsightedness in TV execs. This is why the internet could well become our saviour. As the cost of amateur shows decreases, the unemployed and disgruntled actors and writers of the world will join together in a spirit of collaboration, rebellion and outright greed in their quest to subvert the media that rejected them. Then it will become only a question of time — how long until the pretentious, underpaid acting masses succeed in rising up and destroying their better paid rivals. Well no, not really. But what’s already happening is that fans are making their allegiances to various shows known via the internet. Through online petitions, television executives have come to realise that the cancellation of quality shows is a bad idea. And maybe—just maybe, someday in the future— we’ll be watching whatever we want, whenever we want it, without regard for expected profits or focus groups. At the very least the prospect of home-made or low budget shows available for general consumption online could rile up the big players and make them churn out quality instead of the usual drivel they serve up. Since time immemorial, TV execs have made it their business to piss into the wind. With a little help from the disenfranchised masses (that is, us) maybe they can adjust their aim. The Top 5 Vietnam War Films - Phil Rouse 1. Born on the fourth of July (1990, Oliver Stone) This list was very easy to compile but very hard to order. I gave this film pride of place over the other masterful works within this list because it shows, more than the other films, both the madness in the war and the anxiety and heartbreak upon the veterans return. The drunken scene of Ron Kovic (Tom Cruise) confronting his uber-conservative parents screaming ‘penis’ at the top of his voice still sends chills down my spine. 3. Full Metal Jacket (1987, Stanley Kubrick) This film is just dead set fuckin’ funny. The dialogue is among the best comedy dialogue in cinema history, and yet the film shows the dissention and ill-discipline that is rife in the American military and causes extremely unnecessary loss of life, both allied and civilian. 4. Platoon (1986, Oliver Stone) Stone was a Vietnam vet himself, and never is this more evident than in his graphic depictions of the conflicts both with the enemy and within the platoon itself. We follow the unfortunate de-humanisation of Pvt. Chris Taylor (Charlie Sheen) and how it is less due to the enemy and more his fellow soldiers. 2. Apocalypse Now Redux (1979, Francis Ford Coppola) You can pick your moment from this movie to talk about, it is nothing short of astounding every step of the way. Adapted and twisted from Joseph Conrad’s novella ‘hearts of darkness’, we are slowly driven mad as on our own psyche journeys up the Danang river with Capt. Willard (Martin Sheen) on his way to execute the formidable Colonel Kurtz (Marlon Brando). 5. The Odd Angry Shot (1979, Tom Jeffery) This may seem like an odd choice, but I have a soft spot for Australian cinema. It’s low budget production aside, this film does hit home with some truths and insights on the Australian male psyche and depcits a very Australian attitude towards war. 46/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Creative Writing I Didn’t Do Anything… They turned their backs on the refugees, I’m not a refugee, so I didn’t say anything. They started a war in Iraq, based on lies and deception. I don’t live in Iraq and I’m not a soldier, so I didn’t do anything. They went after the working class with the new IR laws, They haven’t affected me yet, so I haven’t really thought about it. The Federal Health Minister campaigned against abortions, I’ve never had an unwanted pregnancy so I didn’t see it as a big problem. They tried to smash student unions and introduced VSU, I started to get pissed off but didn’t speak out. They allowed David Hicks to be persecuted, I didn’t know him so I stayed quiet. They came for me and there was no one left to help me fight. We have to fight and vote together. (Written with inspiration from Pastor Niemöller) Review of The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer by Lisa Ritchie First published in 1971, this radical and controversial book begins with a stroll though the female anatomy, outlining how the stereotypical ‘female form’ has both defined and limited women. Greer condemns a perceived disdain for women within the medical and psychological professions. The second half of the book covers the topics of ‘Love’ and ‘Hate.’ In the former, Greer blasts the ideal of love and the ‘middle class myth of love and marriage’, arguing that both have failed women. In the section named ‘Hate,’ Greer’s words seem to seethe with anger as she details the many crimes committed against women at the hands of men. It is a wonder that a female reader, who takes to heart Greer’s sentiments in the chapter titled ‘Loathing and Disgust’, could ever be intimate with a male again. In The Female Eunuch, Greer paints a bleak picture of what life would be like if we were born half a century earlier. Despite the occasional bout of wordiness, which can make the book stagnate at times, the passion and anger with which it was written compel the reader to trudge on. It is a confronting read, forcing the reader to focus on things they’d rather not acknowledge; double standards, society’s use of derogatory language (such as ‘slut’ or ‘scrubber’), and the still prevalent issue of domestic abuse, to name a few. Despite a publication date of over 30 years ago, many points driven home in this book still ring true, highlighting the unfortunate fact that the material is still relevant today. A necessary read for anyone who wishes to increase their understanding of the mechanics of gender and history of women’s place within them. I wish I was a Young Liberal I wish I was a Young Lib, I think that would be cool I’d look at pics of Johnny H. And maybe have a (cold beer) pull yourself together, if you’ve ever voted Labor, come and join the Young Libs and start rattling your sabre. I wish I was a Young Lib, Not an EMO, nerd or jock I have dreams of Phillip Ruddock with his hand upon my (shoulder) cock your guns and let’s take aim at gays and refugees let’s party on for VSU and higher parking fees I wish I was a young Lib, I’d play it hard, I’d play it tough. I’d lend a hand to Abbott, ‘cause he doesn’t get enough. So lube me up and count me in, There’s blue blood in my veins. I’m not a Young Lib yet but I’m a loser all the same. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer Patrick Süskind opens his alluring novel by describing 18th Century Paris as a stinking, and reeking city. There, in a fish market, under a table on the dirty pavement, Jean-Baptiste Grenouille is born. Süskind describes Grenouille as one of the most gifted personages of his time, for Grenouille poses an exceptional sense of smell. So great are his abilities that with very little effort, Grenouille is able to reproduce and create the sweetest, most sought after and most popular perfumes of the time. His mind holds with in it all the smells of the earth and all the combination of scents possible to make. As great as his talent is, and as perfect as his skills are for capturing and storing scents, soon Grenouille comes to a very disturbing and frightening realisation, that he himself has no odor of his own. Obsessed with procuring a smell for himself, Grenouille believes that is it only by capturing the fragrances of beautiful women that he can make a perfume for himself, which will be a recreation of the very scent of his first victim, making him and his life complete. The novel is beautifully written and the literary historic horror style is truly gripping and haunting. Despite the chilling murders that take place, the methodology used to capture odors off the victims dead bodies leave you intrigued by the complexity of the art of perfumery. With a completely unexpected ending, this novel is captivating from the beginning till the end. When you find your sense of smell suddenly awakened during the reading of the novel, it will surely be a sign that sometimes the longest lasting and most powerful impressions about people and things are all contained in their perfumes. - Inna Tsyrlin 47/ Creative Writing The ‘Boning’ of Australian Journalism Courtney McLennan investigates the alarming trend of ousting female journalists seemingly on the basis of age and gender The skilled journalist reads the news bulletin with the precision and composure of an expert, gazing levelly into the camera with the rehearsed manner afforded by keen intellect and vast experience. And yet, the future of the journalist is perilous. Despite experience and diligence, the journalist lacks one crucial asset: she is not male. In suit coat and professional attire (save an incident of Naomi Robson’s khaki shirt and additional lizard), the corset is absent from female television journalists’ wardrobes. However, are female journalists truly liberated? Are the constraining factors of age and gender the “corset” of contemporary Australian journalism? While the gender imbalance in Australian journalism, both in print and television capacities, is not a recent occurrence, the departures of Tracy Spicer and Naomi Robson, Jana Wendt, and Jessica Rowe, highlight an alarming shift in not only what has been described as discrimination based on gender, but also seemingly ageist undertones. The firing of Ten News reporter, Tracey Spicer, aged 39, is a particularly clear indication of this startling trend. Allegedly informed by the Ten network via email that her contract would not be renewed, Spicer had not only just returned to work from maternity leave, but had dutifully served the network for 14 years. Clearly, the method of effectively ‘sacking’ Spicer was offensive and entirely impersonal after such an extensive time with the network. Rather, it is the age of those female newsreaders who the television networks present to the Australian public which is under contestation. Former Ten newsreader, Jennifer Hansen agrees, informing ABC radio that ‘Women, …once they reach a certain age have an expiry date.’ To Mark Ryan from the Media Entertainment and Arts Alliance, the reasoning of the sacking is clear, stating on ABC radio that the network, ‘sacked her, by not renewing her contract because she’s of a certain age, and of a certain family situation, [which] is just appalling.’ Unaffected by this expiry date male presenters, such as Ten’s Mal Walden, are able to continue their career in front of the camera, seemingly immune to the struggles of their female counterparts. Indeed, the controversy which surrounded Nine Network director, Eddie Maguire’s alleged use of the word ‘boning’ (sacking) in regards to Today show co-host, Jessica Rowe, is yet another example of the discourtesy displayed towards ‘mature’, female journalists. Whether or not Maguire intended to bone Rowe is irrelevant. The fact that such a climate of hostility enveloped Maguire’s comments, is indicative of society’s general intolerance of the networks’ practices and views in regards to its female reporters. A proportion of viewers would have been contented with Naomi Robson’s decision to resign from the anchor position at Today Tonight. However, her replacement by youthful Anna Coren, is ominously resonant of a stark trend in network’s recruiting choices towards younger, fresher faces for high profile and top public exposure positions such as program hosts, television newsreaders and television personalities. Indeed, when in early January 2007, decidedly younger Leila McKinnon was seated in the host seat of Nine’s A Current Affair program, it appeared that another ‘boning’ of Australian journalism had occurred. However, Tracy Grimshaw’s return from a period of vacation leave stemmed this tide of reshuffling within television networks. Nonetheless, is this what the public really wants? The networks would seemingly argue that the public ratings are what dictate the boning of particular television personalities. Maguire’s comments on boning Rowe emerged when her popularity margins were very narrow, with rival Seven’s Sunrise surging in the ratings, and with Rowe named as television’s most hated celebrity. However, Maguire’s alleged malicious comments on potentially sacking Rowe were met with public outrage, as many clamoured to the television host’s defence. It is unclear whether network executives have misjudged the public’s sentiments, or Australian viewers have suddenly developed a moral conscience in regards to protecting our female media personalities. But with Naomi Robson’s upcoming appearance on Dancing with the Stars, Jana Wendt’s addition to the ABC news team, and Tracey Spicer’s current reporting on Sky News, it appears that the careers of these experienced journalists will continue into the future. Just how long until they, and other experienced female journalists, are considered in need of boning, seemingly due to age and gender, remains uncertain. And if the careers of some of our peak female media personalities are uncertain, what will be next - the reintroduction of the corset? However, claims have emerged that the Ten Network founded this supposed ‘restructuring,’ on the basis of age and gender. The Ten Network staunchly states that they ‘do not discriminate on the basis of age, [or] gender,’ and in fact ‘employs more female news presenters than any other Australian commercial television network.’ However, the number of female journalists is not directly under dispute in this instance. 49/ LOT’S WIFE STUDENT NEWSPAPER ISSUE 02/2007 Creative Writing How They Shape Our Lives. Families. Whether they’re weird, wacky or members of a secret cult, we tend to be more or less stuck with them. Psychologists attest that the bonds we form with our immediate family, especially our parents, stay with us for the rest of our lives and even continue to influence us as we become fully functional members of the adult world. This concerns me greatly. And if you met my family, you’d know exactly why. While normal parents experiencing a middle aged crisis are buying Beamers and getting breast implants, my dad was deciding to invest in a boat, a sail boat no less! This in itself is not a problem; it’s the obsession that bothers me. I’ve never met anyone so skilled at steering every conversation topic from the mundane to the obscene, back onto his ‘darling dinghy’. We used to have visitors, but after six months of Dad regaling them with tales of his glorious expeditions over the seven seas (ie. a trip around the Gippsland coast line), they stopped calling in. When my father first realised his dream with the purchase of the 21 foot Harley Sailboat, he was required to drive out to some inconvenient obscure location to retrieve her from the water and ‘bring her home’. While driving home along the highway the boat started to fishtail wildly (like in the movies). The car swung uncontrollably between the oncoming traffic on one side of the road and the grassy knoll verge on the other. Dad thought he could accelerate the car and ‘his baby’ out of this mess. He thought wrong. The car and boat rolled several times; the trailer came off the car; the boat came off the trailer. Our one and only family car was a write off and the newly purchased and as yet uninsured boat was quite trashed. Funds were spent on the cleaning up of the on-site carnage and to towing of the trailer, the boat, the car and my dad back home. As it turns out these accidents tend to happen when you use a tiny matchbox car to tow a monstrous sail boat. Amazingly no one was injured and my dad became a local celebrity after appearing in the Whitehorse Gazette for all the wrong reasons. I wish I could say this was my father’s first brush with death. He is not adverse to being collected by more than one Toyota Hilux backing out of a driveway as he cycles on his merry way to work. Despite this, my father is the eternal optimist. The highlights of our latest holiday included the three of us living inside the nutshell of a boat (that was illegally docked) for days while we worked like little minions to fix an unexpectedly busted boat motor. We were towed across the channel by kind strangers when the motor wouldn’t start, nearly run over by arrogant speed boats, bitten, bumped, bruised, drenched, frozen, seasick and subjected to winds over 100km an hour. Yet Dad kept his spirits up the entire two weeks. What I would consider a travesty of a holiday into the rim of hell and back, he describes as having ‘just enough disaster to keep it interesting’. What a guy! Often when one partner in a relationship is rather zany, the other is often a calm balancing influence. This is not the case with my mother. While I acknowledge that everyone needs a hobby, (especially once you get too old to continue having sex) Mum takes her gardening to the extreme. Come rain, hail or shine, (even day or night come to think of it) she’ll don her Big W gardening gloves and venture out into the wilderness that is my front yard. Unfortunately like all people who are passionate about something inane, she tends to operate under the illusion that everyone else is as gung ho about plants as she is. I have learnt through much trial and error that it is best (and safest) to appear busy at all costs around this lady. A single moment of idleness results in an afternoon of hard labour lugging chopped wood from one end of the yard to the other. Yesterday, one of my good friends also discovered this when lingering a little too long in our doorway. If Stalin was both a woman and a garden enthusiast he would have been an early 19th century version of my mother. Despite my parent’s obvious eccentricities, the older I get the more I appreciate them. Yes, my friends do think it’s weird that when ever I leave the house Mum and Dad insist on coming out into the driveway and waving me off with cries of ‘bon voyage’ and ‘take a pineapple with you’. However, I wouldn’t have them any other way. Sometimes in order to actually leave my property it’s necessary to cut them off mid sentence. I can often be heard instructing the zy Families and Our Cra friends who are brave enough to venture to my house, “drive, just drive. Wind up the window, they wont even notice.” And true to form they usually don’t. Come to think of it, I’ve been surrounded by strange people my entire life, like my creepy neighbour who borrows our bike pump at 10pm and enjoys cracking whips in the middle of the street after sunset. Or, the strange man who claimed he had a snake in his backpack and befriended my family on holidays. But despite this I feel like I’ve turned out kind of ok. Dad did threaten to use tear gas, that he bought off e-bay, on my boyfriend, and Mum sometimes forgets how to spell my name (despite the fact that she chose it). But, at the end of the day I know they have made me the tolerant albeit scarred individual I am today. Despite their eccentricities, I am grateful for that. - C.J Wholefoods Vegan*Vegetarian Up sta pu s Ce irs Student-run Restaurant*Cafe Grocery*Functions www.msa.monash.edu.au/wholefoods/ wholefoods.html Ca m ntr e 49/ Creative Writing Choose - Jason Leigh Frankie’s Adventure before a reassuring hand lifted him to his feet, and he was greeted by a friendly face beaming understanding. “What the hell have I done!?” exclaimed Frankie. “It’s alright my friend,” answered the attractive twenty-something looking man, “…the man you just killed was a Young Liberal. People flip out and kill them all the time. No one even cares. Hell, the police don’t even bother showing up to these things anymore.” “So what should I do now?” Frankie asked, unsure of whether he should at least apologise to this young man’s friends. “Um…” replied the man. He shuffled his feet for a while, clearly unsure of what to do, before screeching “high five!” and running away after the aforementioned high five was executed. After this extremely odd experience Frankie decided to never mention it again, and to return to the SAS tent to retrieve his pants. On his way back to the tent he stopped in at the MSA Activities marquee to buy a ticket to the Monash Ho Down, because it was plain to see that is was going to be a freaking sweet event. Upon his return to the SAS tent Frankie was met with disappointment, as Jessica had already left for her Library tour, and Mark had passed out on the pathway outside the tent. With his two friends out of the picture, Frankie had landed firmly in the middle of a crossroads. For the first time in his university experience Frankie could be the master of his own destiny, liberated from the past and free to choose which direction he wanted the next few years to take. He savoured this moment of freedom, continuing his soul-searching as he meandered through O Week stalls, soaking up the vibrant campus atmosphere. The Frankie that would graduate from Monash University was still three years away, and could be any person he wanted. His dreams of the future, however, were cut short by a polo shirt. The shirt, which was thrust into his hands by a young lady wearing an identical one, was purple and had quite a stiff collar. As soon as Frankie’s bony little hands clutched the shirt he felt as if something important had happened, and in a way, it had. “Hey have a free shirt from the Commerce Society!” commanded the bubbly young lady. “Wow thanks,” replied Frankie, pretty happy with himself. He wanted to put the shirt on immediately, to show his gratitude, but became immediately unsure of how to wear it. All the beautiful students seemed to be wearing their collars upright, while all the crazy drunk (Engineering) students seemed to have beer stains down the front of their polos, with the collars firmly planted down. watched. Mark the Engineering student had recently regained consciousness and appeared at his right side with a beer in his hand, seemingly ready to pour it down the front of his fresh shirt. “Hey Frankie, time to christen the threads...” Mark murmured, obviously struggling to stand. One of the beautiful Commerce Society students emerged on his left, also wearing a purple shirt. “Hey bro, put the collar up and come sip premium beers with us”. “Or…” chirped up the bubbly girl that handed him the T Shirt, “…you could come with me and volunteer at Wholefoods, my shift is about to start, I just hung out with the Commerce kids for a dare.” Frankie was overcome with options for the second time that day. The idea of being a crazy drunk Uni student really appealed to him, and the way Mark was fumbling with his beer it seemed as if he was going to spill it all over his shirt whether he like it or not. But the offer of hanging out with the beautiful pretentious people was flattering, Frankie had never been part of an exclusive club before, apart from the Philharmonic group at high school, and that was only because all the other students’ voices had already broken. But maybe he should volunteer at Wholefoods? Frankie had often pictured himself an activist, and his personal hygiene was questionable at the best of times. What will Frankie do? YOU decide… will he a) Let Mark spill beer all over his fresh shirt and go get really trashed, ensuring his Uni career as a drunkard…OR will he b) Take up the Commerce kid’s offer and hang out with beautiful pretentious wankers for the rest of the day, most likely climbing their hierarchy to nightclub door lists and good looks OR c) Go with the bubbly girl and volunteer at Wholefoods, becoming really pissed off at Capitalism and anyone on campus with material desires OR d) Go and join the Young Liberal club You can email your choice to choose_frankies_ adventure@hotmail.com Last episode of Choose Frankie’s Adventure, we followed Frankie on his first day at Monash. Frankie, a young and naïve 1st year, struggled to meet people and to wedge himself in a group of friends. He found himself at uni twenty-two minutes before beer was allowed to be served, and having to choose between three groups of friends and one completely stupid option (d always is). You chose for Frankie to follow the stupid option: d) take his pants off and fight someone to the death, anyone, whoever’s closest. So, right there in the middle of the SAS tent, surrounded by strangers and friends alike, Frankie found himself overwhelmed and just completely flipped out. For reasons unknown to anyone, even him, Frankie promptly ripped off his pants and ran outside. With nowhere to go, nothing to do and no pants, Frankie kept flipping out until he finally grabbed the person nearest to him and proceeded to fight him. Frankie’s surprised opponent was quite a lean and nerdy looking young fellow with rodentlike facial features, and it was clear that he was no stranger to a tussle. He dodged and weaved Frankie’s clumsy blows, waiting for lulls in which he could sneak in for a bite and the odd hair pull. Frankie, in his completely uncharacteristic and almost frustratingly random wave of aggression, finally gained the upper hand after managing to shatter his foe’s spectacles and then Chinese burn him to death. As the bloodlust drained from Frankie’s vision, it became horribly clear that he had just killed a man with his bare hands. He began retching and crying and also sneezing all at the same time, pausing only to scream “Nooooooo” toward an apathetic, cloud-free sky. Frankie’s tantrum lasted for all of six seconds, As he tugged the shirt down over his chest Frankie immediately felt as if he was being the Lot’s Wife family tree Julian Burnside QC Russell Skelton Michael Leunig Jon Faine Remy Davison Rachel Griffiths Pete Steedman Darryl Dellora Anthony Lowenstein Stephanie Bunbury Jeann ie Rae Damian Broderick Emily Howie John Sinclair Simon Marginson Nick Economou Kathy Bail Ross Fitzgerald Pete r Cost ello All of the above people, plus many more have contributed/edited/worked for/hung around Lot’s Wife over the years 51/ Sport The ‘Squirter’ McGee Diaries. Confessions of a country football legend... Monday: So, my first day back in my home town. Straight back from playing footy in the big leagues, you would have thought that there would be some kind of welcome party, maybe at least a bit of a shindig for the prodigal son, but instead all I got was an ‘oh, you’re back, mate!’ and a ‘g’day, Bigknob’. I mean, I am hung like the proverbial stallion, but it’s not as if I go splashing the fact all over town. Except sometimes when I’m pissed. I caught up with the boys for training later in the evening. Coach was happy to see me. Reckons I’ll carve em up this year. Thinks we might win the flag, even. With me back there’s a new confidence about the place, he reckons. I was stoked. Good to catch up with all the boys. What about Chuckles MacPherson though, I mean how’s his form… I’ve only been back one day and he says, “good to see ya Squirter. Look bloke, I hope ya don’t mind, but I’ve been rootin ya sister while yer away”. I punched him out, the low bastard. Can’t blame him, she loves it my sister. Looser than the bloody hinges on a barn door. It was good to see Chuckles anyway. I hadn’t seen him since we lost the premiership with Yippoon under 12’s. We were down by one point and he marked in the goalsquare with 5 seconds left. We were home for sure, but he choked, the jack fucker! I couldn’t believe it, I was shattered. So I punched him. Geez we got pissed after training! I must have smashed about 18 cans, not to mention the longnecks. ‘King Browns’, I call em. Wazza was in a bloody bad way too. I had to pull him out of the gutter, where he was spewin and taking a piss at the same time. I got some evidence to show the boys on me camera phone. Look, here’s the spew: though you can sorta tell I was blind too when I took it: below A grade this year. Unless I don’t pull for like 3 weeks in a row or like unless I’m so blind I’m delirious. I reckon I’ll have a crack at Casey Evans soon. She’s got big cannons and I’ve heard she’s easy for a hot bird. Plus when I came home a few months back I reckon she was flirting with me. I went around to her joint to have a beer with her old man and here she was walkn around in this little skirt flicken her hair round and shit. Anyway her old man cooks a mean barbie. Top rissoles… I call ‘em arseholes to be funny. Took a picture of ‘em on me camera phone they’re so good. I’m tellin ya, the bloke’s a stainer from way back. Bloody got us locked up for the night too. I hate the cops on Satdays. I remember when I got locked up that other time. It was the weekend of the Valley grand final. I was off my tits and the cops chucked me in the back of the van. As they were putting me in, I thought I’d put on a bit of a show for the boys. Punched the air, did a victory dance, the whole bit. Then I looked like a bit of a goose cos I whacked my head on the van door and knocked myself out. It was worth it, but. Then later on when I woke up at the cop shop, I found they’d taken me bloody shoelaces out. I dunno why but they always do it. I didn’t even get a blanket that nite.. froze me pecker off. Lucky there were no sheilas around! The worst bit was in the morning, the dickheads had lost me laces so I had to walk 3 k’s home with me shoes falling off. I reckon it was deliberate… I still can’t believe I didn’t get B&F that year. I was only 15, but I reckon I would have got BOG in at least half the games. And half the time I was still so pissed from the night before I could hardly see the ball until the 3rd quarter. At presentation when they called out Simmo’s name, I couldn’t believe it! Shattered. Bloody Simmo, of all people! I mean he’s a good bloke and all, but the way he tries to take a grab, you’d think it was made of friggen soap. And what made it worse was the fact that I’d had a crack at his little sister just a couple of weeks earlier and she knocked me back. Plus he was talken it up in the showers at training how he gets 150 bucks a game. Geez he’s full of shit… Oh, how’s some of the netballers form? They told Johnno the other night at training that they don’t rate me and shit. Said I try n look up their skirts and that, which I do but yeah.. and? I decided I’m not going any netballer Anyway, her old man sure knows how to make fine meat! Get it? Ha, wouldn’t mind getting a bit of pre season in with her if you know what I mean.... Not that I need to get any fitter, I’m pretty ripped at the moment. Like me muscles have really taken off recently and I’m not just sayen that. I’m pretty much of a tank. I’m thinken of tryna get the boys to start callen me Thomas. Hope it catches on. Reckon it probably will. Oh yeah and Craigo got a new ute: We’re goen to do doughies out the road. So catch ya later. To Be Continued... Yeah look and now here’s one of him. You can pretty much tell how blind he is and that. Even Make life easy. BPAY is the faster, more efficient way to make payments for everything from uni fees to your mobile phone bill. You can choose the account you wish to pay from, like your savings or debit card account, and even schedule payments in advance. And it all happens securely through your phone or internet banking service. Easy as can B_ www.bpay.com.au Published by BPAY Pty Limited ABN 69 079 137 518 on behalf of St. George Bank Limited ABN 92 055 513 070. BPAY is offered by 163 financial institutions. Contact your financial institution to see if it offers BPAY and to get the terms and conditions, or Product Disclosure Statement (PDS). This is general advice – before using BPAY please review the PDS and consider whether BPAY is suitable for your personal circumstances. BPAY® and BPAY View® are trademarks of BPAY Pty Ltd ABN 69 079 137 518.